Birthday Cards For Men

... made this for you. Happy birthday, Dad." Dad fell silent....down. In an instant, men became a relic of the...this world, where honest men are forced to kill themselves... once shared pills and played cards. At that moment, something...dust in a world where men had become third-class citizens.... calculation. "Did you think men didn't mean anything anymore?" he..., or the fact that men "can't" control nuclei. If ...

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... three words it held. Happy birthday, Tanya. Love, Masha and Vera... this would serve as a birthday present, even if it was... 'Tanya's' birthday and not Tatyana's. "A battlefield ... speaking. In a rather unorthodox birthday present, the Principality of Dacia... raise. If he played his cards right, all he'd have to... meant killing potentially thousands of men whose lives just started. Dacia ...

... as small as a birthday candle. Ida's face in the...locomotion charge, and now the birthday charge landing on top of ...when it opens. Post-war: wild cards. Reserve charges for opportunities he ... back wall with two men from the rail yards whose .... The two rail yard men exchange a look that's mostly ... On American veterans. On the men who fought in the war. ... to the rail yard men. The room begins to breathe ...

... divorced couple in their child's birthday party." Luke leaned back away... from balloons to giant playing cards behind and close to him... similar style to the playing cards behind the Joker. The white... or lost. Poker chips, playing cards, drinks, snacks, and other objects... journey to find out the men who shot her and get...

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...mother's face in your 6th birthday party where she baked ...And maybe you remember those men, leering and looking at ... she knew that those men would also take her to...remember struggling, fighting against the men that held you by stepping...upon a card- And cards started to spin inside his ...he could hold about 5 cards without straining his mind, but...He didn't even use his cards, because he couldn't help but...

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... small scale the officers and men of the new Corps were... Club issues its 1st credit cards 1950 First-ever race of the... Video of the Day: Happy birthday to Ritchie Valens (1941): And...

... progress version. (The custom of men wearing white wigs still makes ... or nature cards. Speaking of birthdays, today is Anne Harmon's birthday! Happy birthday, Anne...

.../ "This weekend I attended the birthday party of one of the ... Vulcans very funny, but to men and women who recall when .... Prepare for breakfast clubs, ID cards and reversing Brexit, the latter ..., suggests Rayner; more devolution; more men called Andy in Parliament. Can ...

... I am home, I play cards with her every week. She..., except for one of the men. He and I went out ... together with friends to play cards and went to dinner with ... month shy of her 104th birthday. We made the decision to ...

... in 1876) and America’s 250th birthday, with MLB events like the... in 1876) and America’s 250th birthday, with MLB events like the... against extra-base hits, helped by cards they keep in their back... plunder, and 120 different Event Cards that can help or hinder... of the brave U.S. military men and women who gave their...

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... almost the right price to men. Now I come to the... needs including gift shops with birthday and greeting card items, decorative... household essentials, fashion items, greeting cards, small presents, milk, curd and...

... of spring mix. 😭Gift cards are WAY better and I... to admit that if naked men ran up to me with... remember it was my mom's birthday yesterday and spend some time...

... looking for funny birthday greetings cards for men, dad birthday cards or 41st birthday card for women... Law. Cousin 41st birthday card, birthday cards for brother, rude birthday cards for men, 41st birthday card sister, Friend... 41st birthday card. Customer Reviews...

... from a long line of men with terrible writing . It's weird... have identical, pretty handwriting. The men I know it's all over ... year old to write in birthday cards as their handwriting is better! ...

... Thirst + Wind Waker Fill Hatsune's birthday went wonderfully right up to... streamer is not in the cards. Nor biking through the city ...: Browncoat Spoiler: Firefly Fill Three men and a woman walk onto ...

... - <Fair Warning> • 40 The Birthday Party - <Prayers on Fire> • ... Oates - <Private Eyes> • 49 Men At Work - <Business As ... - <Music for Nine Post Cards> • 13 Charly García - <Pubis... <案山子> • 37 The Birthday Party - <Junkyard> • 38 Diamanda ...

...with the visitors enjoying more cards games and even playing catch ... very long when some men left the restaurant portion of ... agents opened fire. The men inside the car were not ... gang. They were three men who happened to dine at ...money and more guns. The men in the gang all escaped ... The Shining; A Few Good Men), born in Neptune City, New ...Video of the Day: Happy birthday to Glen Campbell (1936): And ...

... by everyone he shares his birthday with.) 420 doesn’t seem like... attacks present much differently than men. Arm and shoulder pain shouldn’t... don’t have full skeins or cards and I have no plans...

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP) OOP: u/missdelululand Published on: r/AITAH Story is: ONGOING Story timeline Main Post: February 01, 2025 Update 1: February 16, 2025 Update 2: February 18, 2025 Comment Update 1: February 25, 2025 Comment Update 2: March 01, 2025 Main Post February 01, 2025 AITA for refusing to spend another dime on stepkids and step grands I (38 F) and husband (50 m) have been married for 10 years and have a 1 yr old daughter together , he has a Son (30 m) and daughter (28 F) from a previous marriage. Since my husband and I have been together, I have always bought his children birthday presents, Christmas presents and gifts/ cards every holiday. They have always made snood comments about me being “too festive”. But my love language is gift giving. Well they both have children now , his son has 3 children under the age of 5, and his daughter has twin 2yr old daughters. This past Christmas his daughter and her husband hosted our family Christmas party. During the gift exchange each house hold exchange the gift they bought for the other house holds. (For context his children have never bought Christmas presents for me which I am fine with. I have always been the one to purchase the gifts for my step children and my step grandchildren, my husband gives the adult kids gift cards. ) So while the gift were being passed out , it quickly became apparent that this year they not only didn’t buy anything for me but not his for my 1 year old daughter ( their half sister). So everyone at the party had gifts to open, my husband, my stepson and his wife their 3 sons, my stepdaughter her husband and twin daughters, had All bought for each other and I had bought for all of them , and not one person bought anything for their baby sister. I gathered my things and my daughter and we left. Afterwards, I told my husband that I had never been made feel like apart of the family and that’s one thing but for them to exclude their own half sister who is part of their blood is a complete different thing. I told him I will never spend a dime on HIS family because they are NOT MINE. Also they decided to do a “family photo shoot” and didn’t include my daughter. AITA??   COMMENTS Alarming_Paper_8357 No more gifts. You tried, but you're done with them. After 10 years, you'd think they'd get a clue. Just curious: Were you the reason your husband broke up with his ex-wife? If so, that may be why they are so hostile. And, honestly, I'd write them both a letter and explain that you have been handling gifts for your husband's family for 10 years, but will no longer be doing so after the way they treated their half-sister during the holidays. Any gift requests, etc., should be directed to your husband. And your husband is an ass for letting them get away with this B.S. for 10 years. Let him know that he's on his own from now on for birthdays and holidays, you're done with them. OOP No, he and their mother divorced when his son(30 m) was seven and daughter (28 F) was five. He and I started dating when they were 16 and 18. Suitable-Park184 NTA. For stopping gifts. They obviously have some feelings about you but it’s cruel to take it out on an innocent baby. But I also feel there is a lot of context behind this that might explain their indifference to you and your daughter. OOP Yes, I have often did self evaluation to try to understand what I may have said or done to cause their feelings towards me. I have spoken with my husband at lengths to see if he could shed some light. As far as I can tell , I am “the one who stayed”. Apparently, other women he dated would try to give ultimatums and I just overlooked their behavior. I myself came from a broken home and know that it can have a negative effect on many children. BUT I would never be so disrespectful to my step parents or siblings from 2nd marriages. HonestlyTheOne Your husband never said anything to you never getting gifts from them? What was your husband’s reaction to your child getting no gifts? What was his reaction to what you told him? Your husband is as much a problem it seems. OOP No my husband never commented on them never getting anything for me. But he did say he was upset with how they treated the baby. But not to them, he hasn’t brought it up to his adult children. Yes, he is part of the problem, he has never set boundaries with his children nor advocated for equal respect. Expert-Bus9720 NTA, but why are you going around them when clearly they don’t like you. 1. You don’t have to buy gifts for them and I am not sure why you continued to do it, while receiving nothing. 2. They don’t have to accept you and your child. 3. Your husband can have a relationship with his kids outside of you and your kid. 4 Due to the age when you met their dad, you are more likely seen as dad’s wife and not a step mother I am curious to find out where their mom was while they were hosting their dad and his wife. Also, what hey grew up in a broken home while your kid has her two parents together and that alone is traumatic. OOP Their mother was present at the Christmas party this past year, (and yes I bought her a gift too it wasn’t much just a bath bomb gift set ). To a long comment Thank you for this comment, I’ve never stepped back and thought that maybe they didn’t want the gifts from me, because they want them from their dad. The “too festive “ comment was because even though they’re adults I still would buy them chocolate hearts for Valentine’s Day… I think after reading so many comments they probably have a huge problem with the age gap between their dad and I. And it probably comes across as obnoxious for someone close to their age to treat them like stepchildren . Idk. I just give up on trying to be a part of their family. bobp929 NTA I wouldn't even bother talking to any of them. If your husband doesn't like it, then that's a him problem. How did your husband react to what you said? I'm curious if he did the typical "try to downplay it and say you're overreacting" or if he actually understood your feelings. Because that is a telling sign about your relationship & entire marriage OOP He told me he completely understands my decision. And he apologized said that he never realized just how bad his children’s behavior towards me was until they completely disregarded their sister (our daughter). He said that is what “opened his eyes”. I told him that my daughter nor I would go to any more of their family events , because his children have made it clear we are not family. He didn’t say anything to that comment, but at the time I was very upset. So, he probably thinks by the time there is another family gathering I’ll be over it. But I do want me or my daughter to be apart of anything to do with that part of his family anymore, and that’s the part I feel like I may be TAH about. FreeAttempt7769 Holy Shit! These are ignorant, selfish children, who need to grow up. Do they show loving behaviour in any other ways? OOP Not so much to the son because he’s always been distant towards me, but the daughter use to ask me for advice when she was around 21-23… and I helped her get into her career field (because I had connections due to my career). Update 1 - after 15 days February 16, 2025 UPDATE: AITA for refusing to spend another dime on stepkids and grands Well, I had a long talk with my husband again… after reading all the responses I got. His opinion is that his children have no opinion of our age difference however they just don’t consider me part of their family and he doesn’t think that they look at our daughter as their sister. Which I will completely respect because they are entitled to their own opinions as well as their own feelings. With me respecting their feelings comes, they’re no longer part of my family. I will act accordingly as JUST their father’s wife. As for my daughter, she is just that, MY daughter. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and I did not get a thing for HIS children or grandchildren. I splurged on my daughter. And it felt really great. I did remind him a week before Valentine’s Day that it was coming up and that his grandkids would probably be expecting something. He neither bought anything for his children nor his grandchildren , nor our daughter, and he didn’t buy anything for me as well. He made a comment about feeling some type of way of the separation between me and his family on almost as though it was my own decision. And I quickly reminded him that I am just respecting the wishes of his family and that they belong to him and they are nothing to me. In short, this marriage, most likely will not last for multiple reasons not just the issues of this post. Also, I failed to leave out a key detail . He was married to another woman between his children’s mother and mine and his marriage. And according to him that woman treated his children very very poorly. I don’t know her so I can’t speak about her. I only know what he told me and that story is completely one-sided. he also thinks that may be the reason why his children treat me the way they do is due to past traumas from his second wife. OOP ADDED SMALL CONTEXT IN THE COMMENTS After reading a lot of the comments, I realize I had been vague about the dynamics of my husband’s relationship with his children and grandchildren. He is VERY active in their lives. He puts a lot into them (just not gift form), but he pays their car insurance, phone bills , some times mortgage payments etc. Any time they call he comes to aid. Some of the red flags are seen in the beginning much he invested in his adult children, which would sometimes be neglectful of our household. For example, when I was pregnant, I had a high risk pregnancy, and was out of work for a good bit of my pregnancy. Only getting short-term disability payments, which was a significant amount lower than my average income. The mattress we had was horrible hurt to sleep, especially being pregnant. I asked him if we could buy a new mattress and he said that they were really expensive . But that he would look into it. He never bought that mattress however, his adult daughter was re-decorating her guest room. And called him and said that she wanted a new mattress for the guest bed. Which is the exact same size as our mattress a queen. He promptly went out and purchased her a new mattress for her guest bedroom.   COMMENTS notAugustbutordinary Do people in the US really buy Valentines gifts for people who are not romantic partners? OOP I can’t speak for all , but my family always did… even small things for co-workers. SuluSpeaks I want to correct one thing you said about his kids and his 2nd wife. Grown up kids like you describe don't normally get "trauma" because their stepmother doesn't like them. Leave that word for people who experience real trauma. Thank you. OOP I’m sorry if my phrasing was triggering to anyone, I was quoting my husband’s response. He said his children were “traumatized “ by his 2nd wife’s behavior towards them. And for clarification they weren’t adults when he and she were married. They pre-adolescents. BurritoBowlw_guac Maybe his second wife was a lovely individual that was treated like crap from him and his children and grandchildren. Have you considered that? NTA Mindtaker There isn't a world where the Father didn't bring a piece of shit home and not give a fuck how it affected his family. Not a fucking chance anything else happened. This guys a douchebag, and either wealthy enough to keep scoring women despite his personality, or really fucking good looking but completely dead behind the eyes. OOP has bad taste in men. OOP He is wealthy, he and I both make upper middle class incomes. He presents himself as an amazing man in the beginning, everyone who knows him speaks about “what a great guy he is”, I did too. About 2 years into our marriage I began to see some “red flags”, and I was already in love so ignored them. But now that I have my own child to think about , I cannot ignore them anymore. Fit_Knowledge_2943 Did his children say anything about not receiving any gifts this past Valentine’s Day? OOP I don’t know, if they have said anything to him he hasn’t mentioned it. I have not heard from them since Christmas, though I do know he has been over to visit his daughter and his twin granddaughters a few times since Christmas. Which is the norm, and I support that completely. I just do not accompany him anymore and I keep my daughter home with me. jam7789 He wants everything to be perfect but doesn't want to put any work in to make his kids treat you decently. Although it seems like he doesn't treat you or your daughter very well either so maybe he's just a jerk. OOP He is actually great with our daughter, the only time he ever got upset with the way his adult children behave is when it affected our daughter. Almost like he sees no fault with his children, Unless it’s affecting one of his children. If that makes sense. It’s hard for me to explain. I could give you an example if you would like. melmoore82 I would also inform hubby that you will not be bringing or allowing your daughter to attend another Christmas gathering unless he knows they got something for daughter, or there will be no gift exchange whatsoever. This year your daughter was young enough that she probably didn’t notice. The following years will be a different story….. OOP I have already set that boundary… that if they don’t consider their half sister family, that he is not allowed to take my daughter to their homes. Update 2 - after 17 days (after 2 days from last post) February 18, 2025 UPDATE 2: AITA for refusing to spend another dime on step kids and step grands So I FB messenger called his 2nd ex wife last night. I wasn’t sure if she would even want to talk with me, beings that I’m the new wife. But she did and we had a pleasant conversation. She disclosed that she and his son (adolescent at the time) never had any issues. But that his daughter (also adolescent at the time) was a bit difficult. Think, princess mentality. She told me stories where my husband had blatantly disregarded her feelings, when it came to his daughter treating her poorly. She said his daughter always made it clear that she was the queen of her Daddy’s castle. She eventually separated herself from interacting with his kids, which took a toll on their marriage. She also disclosed that she, had found out that in the beginning of his and my relationship that he was spicy sleeping with his supervisor. This lead me to confront my husband and after hours of denial he finally admitted. For Context: Last summer, I caught him sxting his supervisor, I told him to leave but we had a new baby. We started going to marriage counseling for the infidelity and he swore he disclosed everything to me. But he never told me they had previously been sxually involved(even during the first few months of our relationship). Now, I’m suppose to believe that after 9years just out of the blue they started s*xting at random but nothing has continued to go on between all this time we’ve been married…. Needless to say I contacted a Divorce attorney this morning. I’ll keep you guys updated on the progress if my attorney feels like it will not have an impact on my case.   COMMENTS SweetMaam Wow. Sad. Kudos for contacting the ex. Maybe you should the supervisor too!? OOP I am still debating on that… I don’t want there to be any retaliation for him though. And my reasoning for that might make me TA , but if he loses his job that would impact the child support he will be ordered to pay. INFP4life Could a kind soul please explain what “spicy sleeping” means? Google isn’t helping :( OOP S*xual intercourse beststript Damn, you really cracked open Pandora’s box with that FB call 💀. That ex-wife basically handed you the full documentary series on your husband’s past drama, and the plot twists just kept coming. Honestly, the ‘spicy sleeping’ revelation on top of the s*xting? Yeah, that’s a hard pass. Good on you for lawyering up—sounds like this dude fumbled a whole marriage TWICE with the same playbook. Wishing you a smooth exit and a future free of princess tantrums and workplace scandals OOP Actually fumbled 3 marriage .. because according to his 2nd wife, she was his AP during his first marriage… the man is a habitual cheating narcissist… and I am left thinking “Who the F*CK did I marry”??? DeviceStrange6473 Is there a HR DEPT? A supervisor involved with a employee they are in charge of, is grounds for being terminated! Supervisor and husband need to be reported these two deserve it! 10yrs of cheating hope karma comes soon! Also get tested for STD &STI ! UPDATEME OOP Took off work to go to clinic this morning and to meet with attorney… they drew blood so I should have the results back in a few days. DeviceStrange6473 Hopefully fine! Been thinking I think I would dig up info like is this supervisor married? If so I would let their spouse know what you found out about them. At least they'd have the info to make their own decision too? OOP Oh she is definitely married, I use to work with her. I still don’t know if it’s my place to let her husband know. I considered it , but for the time being I have decided not to. That might be an AH move on my part, but right now I want to focus on getting this divorce. I fear that if I focus on anything else, I will become emotionally charged and get caught up in petty revenge. Hot-Might9300 NTA, obviously. It seems like your STBX cares about his 'really great guy image' more than anything else, so use that to your advantage to get what you need/ want out of this divorce. Threaten to out him & his AP to HR & everyone you know if he doesn't settle with you quietly & quickly. Now that you know there's definitely something going on, see if you can find evidence on his phone or laptop & screenshot it. The courts might not care much about cheating if you live in a no-fault divorce state, but he might care about his reputation. Take him for all you can get, he deserves it. OOP Yes.. we do live in a No-fault state. But I do have an entire text thread of what he and her have done and want to do to each other in very explicit details and photos too. OOP MADE TWO SMALL UPDATES IN THE COMMENTS COMMENT Update 1: after 24 days (after a week from last post) February 25, 2025 Mini Update: in comments We have discussed, him moving out and staying with his daughter. He texted me this morning, asking what can he do for me to consider working on our marriage. I told him , I do not believe there is any coming back from this. I told him instead of worrying about “working on our marriage” he should be working on himself. He then told me he was going to sign up for Individual counseling. I replied with a thumbs up. COMMENT Update 2: after 28 days (after 4 days from last post) Match 01, 2025 Mini Update: in comments We are officially separated… meaning I filed the legal separation papers this past Wednesday. With him agreeing that I would have primary custody of our daughter until the divorce proceedings begin, then we will discuss things further… he has been vocal about wanting 50/50 custody… but I want primary custody and not because of the child support issue, I will agree to go 50/50 on our daughter’s expenses. But I don’t want her to be subjected to any mistreatment by his other children, especially without me there to protect her. And by “mistreatment” , I mean treating her like she not as important as others. I know they would never “physically” mistreat her. But the thought of my baby being emotionally damaged and neglected and I wouldn’t be able to protect her , seriously breaks my heart .   This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP) Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading. Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved. submitted by /u/BigONerd to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not the OOP, the OOP has since deleted their account. This was posted on r/relationships. Mood spoiler: starts of infuriating, ends bleak and sad 1st post: Me [38F] discovered my husband [46M] of 9 years has children! News to ME! (JAN/2014) I can't even wrap my head around what is happening right now! I'm going to try and be as rational as possible. The Background: We met 13 years ago and feel madly in love. We still are what everyone calls the perfect couple, and up until the other night I believed it! We talk openly and honestly (I thought) about everything. We are best friends, have amazing sex, travel twice a year and have made an amazing home together. We don't have any children, something we decided before getting married for various reasons. We were both happy with the decision because we have such a great life, just us, the 3 cats and the dog. I've been nothing but thrilled with our relationship and the life we've built. When we met I knew that he had a ex-wife. He didn't like talking about her, but I know she was pretty awful. Emotionally abusive, controlling, and I think even a bit physically abusive too. She had an affair leading up to there divorce. She really did a number on him and he was single a long time until he started dating again (which was me). I've always sense there was something he couldn't quite tell me. He is always a cheerful guy around people and even with me, but once I heard him crying in the shower and sometimes I'll come into a room and he'll just be staring at a wall, looking absolutely depressed. When I talk to him, he'll say something sweet, like he was thinking about what his life would be if he never met me or if he lost me. I thought it was weird because I don't think like that, but I believed him, because why wouldn't I? The Truth comes out: Last weekend we were at his families house for a big get together (they do this all the time). He usually drinks when he's with his brother but this time he was really putting them back. Normally, he is a really happy friendly drunk, this time he was argumentative and standoffish. I let him be and was hanging out with my SIL for ages. When I went looking for him he was in the basement with his brother. The steps down are behind the couch that they were sitting. I heard them talking as I was going down, and my husband was saying things like "18, man, FUCK!" and stuff about missing so much. His brother was confronting him. When I made my presence known (I wasn't even down the stairs yet not trying to ease drop) my husband got mad like I've never seen him. He was telling me to go back upstairs and leave him alone. I was really hurt having never been talked to like that. I did go back up for a while until my BIL said that he was going to sleep it off there and he'll see me in the morning. My finally comes home after 11am very unwell and is apologetic, saying he need to have a serious talk. I'd been up all last night freaking out. I know it seems weird but we've never been apart at night. I think he's having an affair, wants a divorce, etc. He tell me that he had two children with his ex-wife (WHAT?!). The son was 5 and daughter was 2 when they got divorced. When the ex-wife decided to marry the guy she was having an affair with she asked that my husband give up his rights and let her new husband adopt them (is that even legal?!). He said she threatened and manipulated him until he agreed. The story was really long but that's the idea. We talked the whole day, but I just can't understand. The children are not children anymore. The girl just turned 18. It was her birthday that night he got so drunk. The son is 21. He wants to contact them now that they are grown and can get in touch with them without having to go through the mother. I don't know if that's even a good idea. How could he give up his children? How could he allow someone so unstable to raise them? How could he lie to me for 13 years?! It might be selfish, but I'm most upset about that. He's family obviously knew and I'm super close with them! I don't know if I can trust him. To lie about something so big for so long. He said it's because he was deeply ashamed. I don't think that's good enough. What now? tl;dr: Husband has been keeping children a secret for 13 years. They are now adults and he wants to contact them. I'm feeling so betrayed and confused about who this man is I thought I knew so well... Some comments: u/Kay_Elle: I'm so sorry. This sounds so very much like my mom's story. Long story short, my mom didn't know my dad had a child from a previous marriage until after I was born, several years into the marriage. Very similar story: dad and first wife split when my halfsister was a toddler, my dad gave up parental rights and the girl was raised by her mom and stephdad. I didn't know she existed until I was a teen, because my mom & her family were (understandably) so angry they went on pretending she didn't exist. Safe to say, my halfsister is the biggest loser in this. Never, to this day, have I been able to understand how people can lie about things like that. Anyway, that's not advice. I'd say: allow yourself to be angry. You have every right to be (even though he might have had his reasons). In any case, only you can decide whether or not you want to continue your marriage after this breach of trust. I'd say give it time to sink in, talk to him, then go from there. Have all my internet hugs. and u/kam0706: Here's my hypothetical: The expiration of his first marriage was not all about her being a crazy bitch. I bet a good share of the issues were him. No-one woudl give up their rights to custody of their children with a mother they believed to be unstable. I'd bet he thought at the time, he was doing the best thing for them, letting them all be a family with the new husband. And he just focussed on moving on. And while its going to take you a LONG time to come to grips with this, I think you should absolutely encourage him to make contact with them. 2nd post: Update: Me [38F] discovered my husband [46M] of 9 years has children! News to ME! (FEB/2014, a week later) It's been a pretty crazy week and a half and I just wanted to share with those of you that read my story. I've been dealing with my anger towards this situation. I can't say I'm over it, but really, it's only been about a week and a half. We've talked and talked, and while I still don't agree with his decision of keeping me in the dark, I'm trying to accept it. The whole giving up his kids thing makes me uncomfortable, and I haven't gotten much more explanation, but I can't even begin to put myself in that situation so I take his word that he did what he had to. I talked to his family as well. They didn't know too much about the situation because him and the wife lived on the other side of the country. The wife didn't really like visiting them and they were only invited over once after the children were born (5 years!). It wasn't a pleasant holiday and all the family felt very uncomfortable. Apparently they were not made to feel welcome (by her). After my finding out about my husbands children he's felt like now he can make real efforts into trying to find them. The one main thing holding him back was not wanting to do something like this behind my back and being so afraid of telling me. So he did some proper searching on facebook, not just in the area that he left them, but the whole country. He had to weed through lots of people, even contact a few that weren't right, but he found the girl and she replied. They spoke on the phone. They talked a long time and here's what he learned: His son is in prison on drug related charges. He is 1 year in on a 3 year sentence. She has a two year old and is pregnant(at 18!). Neither babies' father are in the picture. She didn't finish high school She doesn't even remember the guy that her mom married after my husband because he left them early on The mom was a single mother with men in and out all the time. Real losers. The kids where always told that their daddy didn't want them. When they would be bad, the mom would say "see, this is daddy left you" Her mom and her live together, neither work. The mom is a drunk and sounds like a mean one Husband is really depressed about how things worked out for them. He wonders what would have happened if he fought for them. He offered to meet with the daughter. She wasn't too eager but didn't say she was against it. More of a "yeah, one day maybe" kind of thing. She did ask for money though. He sent her $5k a few days ago. Yesterday she called looking for more, saying she had to pay off her debt and now needs money for the baby. He feels so bad about everything so he's going to send the same again. I have a feeling it's never going to stop. We are successful people and have the money, but I feel he'll be taken advantage of. It'll always be "for the baby" and I don't see him ever being able to say no. When he's son is out is he going to expect the same thing? Is this something he should be doing to make up for his mistakes? I don't want to be a horrible person here, but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I didn't sign up for kids and grandkids and now our money is going to them. tl;dr: Husband found kids. One is in jail and the other a teen mom. Daughter is asking for money and lots of it and husband is giving it. Not sure if this is right. some comments: u/emptyhunter: After reading the original post and now this update I felt bad for your husband (and also for you, this was more than a white lie to hide from your wife of 9 years), but then you say he sent them 5 grand. What on earth is this man doing? You don't send $5k to someone you haven't even met. You just don't. He probably can't make up for his mistakes, but that doesn't mean he should throw money at people he doesn't really know. What he can do is try and form a relationship with his grown children that is based on something other than money. This situation is just bizarre. Getting to know his kids is one thing but throwing vast amounts of money at people he barely knows is another. Can you (or someone else) put some sense into him?Reply by OOP: Thank you. I just really didn't know what to feel about this. I mean, I didn't like it, but I felt so bad telling my husband that is feeling so depressed "no, you can't send our money that we'd most likely be saving to your poor daughter with a baby". I'm afraid of coming out a monster in this situation. He just can't seem to say "no". I've talked to his brother, who he is very close to. They are getting together night and hopefully he can talk some sense into him. 2rd update: Update 2: Me [38F] discovered my husband [46M] of 9 years has children... and it keeps getting worse (FEB/2014, 2 weeks after end post) Things have spiralled out of control. I can't believe how fast this is all happening. I mentioned in some comments last time about how I convinced my husband to not send any more money to his daughter without even meeting her, that there were better means of handling the situation. He agreed (not easily though as she was really was saying how desperate she was) and told his daughter. I was around while he was on the phone with her and did hear parts of the conversation. He actually blamed me for the change of plan and I could tell he was desperately trying to be the good guy (which, after everything, I can understand). She got angry, yelled at him and cried for a long time. When things calmed down he said that he was happy to go see her as soon as possible, take her shopping, stock her up on nappies, formula, food for her, whatever she needed. She said that it would be a lot easier to just transfer the money again and she'd go get that. Thankfully he stood his ground. She eventually relented and he booked a flight out last weekend. He went on his own which I thought was the right thing to do. I barely heard anything until he got back (checked in via text a couple of times). That was a bit odd because we are always in contact, even just during working hours. He got home on Sunday night (he was there from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening staying at a hotel). That night it was like prying teeth to try and get anything out of him. He was in a horrible mood. The next day I found out the whole story. His daughter and ex are living in squalor. They have a tiny basement flat where the daughter and baby sleep in the one bedroom and the mom sleeps on the couch. The place is filthy, tiles missing in the ceilings, paint coming off the walls, etc. The mother looks extremely unwell (her skin is like she's in her 60s, skeleton thin, yellowed eyes, etc). The daughter is morbidly obese (knew she was overweight from pictures on facebook) and he gets the impression she lays about the house all day. The ex was surprisingly indifferent towards him. He said it was all the fight had gone out of her and she's given up. She was constantly drinking and smoking, even around the baby. He didn't think they daughter was smoking or drinking while pregnant or at least not while he was there. He wanted to know what the money had gone to. She explained about back rent, bills, credit cards, etc. He didn't ask to see anything, I think I would have. He took her shopping as promised. There wasn't much room for stocking up but he got her enough to get her through a fortnight or so. He hired a cleaning service to go there this week. He got her a mattress as her's was mouldy, a better crib, linens, all kinds of things to make the place more liveable. As for his getting to know her, I felt like it didn't go well but he didn't want to speak badly of his own daughter. He seems so conflicted. He wasn't able to visit the son yet. So Monday I learn the whole story, and Tuesday he drops this bomb shell on me. He wants to get her out of that situation and away from the mother. He wants her to come live with us. We have a beautiful flat above the garage. It's fully self contained and we have guests stay there. It's a decent size and a big step up from what he described. He wants to keep her close rather then renting her an apartment to keep an eye on her. He wants to help her get healthy, go to school, work, all that good stuff. I think it's a really nice thing that he's trying to do. He wants to start moving on it right away, so she can settle in before the baby is born. After "sleeping on it" he really wants an answer for me. Yeah, I'm going to need a bit more time! It may be selfish, but I've asked him what my rule in this will be. He assures me that my life isn't going to change much, that she will be his responsibility and that he just might not have as much time to devote to me. We've always been the kind of couple that really enjoys each others company. I would be willing to accept some less time from him, but I don't want to play grandma. What do you guys think? Is there anyway this situation can work? The more I think about it, I honestly can't see life without my husband, he really is my other half. I'm still mad at him for the deceit, but I don't think I could actually ever leave him. Taking on a mother/grandmother role though is something I really don't want for myself. I mean, if it possible to have them living on the same property as me, having a relationship with my husband but me? Would that even work? Or do I just need to suck it up expand my family? TL;DR: Husband's daughter is living in squalor and he wants to move her into the flat on our property. Not sure what to do. some comments: u/regular_gonzalez: Bleh, what a nightmare situation. One thing that especially concerns me is how he wants to be the "good guy" and make you out to be the mean harpy. Especially coming after all the deception about the kids, that's concerning and it's not how good marriages work. Marriage is a partnership -- it's not (imo anyway) two people who like each other cohabitating and going about their lives; in a way, it's like a new, 3rd entity that is created when you say you're going to spend the rest of your life with that person. There's you, him, and 'us', and the us is the most important person in the relationship. Your marriage should be the strongest and most important relationship in your life. If his gut reaction is to say "Daughter, it's cool w/ me but the wife says no so, sorry" your marriage is already in huge trouble. His first reaction should have been to talk to you before committing one way or the other and the two of you reach a mutual decision, which is then presented to his daughter as something the two of you are in agreement on. When you get married, you in effect have said to your spouse, "Of every single person I've ever known, you are the person I most want to spend my time alive with". I know marriage is deprecated these days, but in my mind it's the ultimate commitment -- you're going to spend 70-80 years on this world, and you've decided to spend the vast majority of them with one specific person. That's a huge commitment and should be treated with all due respect and seriousness. You'll almost surely outlive your parents. You'll see your siblings and relatives a couple times a year. You and your spouse will be together almost daily for, god willing, 40-50 years. They are the most important person in your life, full stop. If he doesn't feel that way about you, there's absolutely no reason to marry. Shack up and have good times until you get tired of each other. But if he makes that kind of commitment, he should be prepared to follow through. And yet he clearly didn't when he married you under deceptive and false pretenses. I really can't offer specific advise about your scenario because it's something I've never been in and can't even begin to imagine how I would react. But your husband's behavior towards and about you is a different matter, and one that is hugely concerning. I would probably talk to him and say something like "You lied to me about your children. We can possibly work through that, but only if we have complete honesty and unity in all things going forward -- not just re: the daughter situation, but everything. If there are more omissions, if there are more lies, we're done. We have to be of one mind on the situation -- not necessarily in complete agreement between ourselves, but common agreement on our actions regarding the situation. You have to start trusting me and respecting my views, not selling me as the bad guy. If we're not together on this, we're not together." He has to trust in you implicitly, as you do him, for a successful partnership. No betrayals of word or deed, which the omission about children and the undermining of you as his wife w/r/t his daughter have both been. Reply by OOP: I agree with your views on marriage 100% and thought that's what we had. He is so desperately trying to make up 18 years in a space of a few weeks. A huge personality flaw of his is that he can't stand if someone thinks badly of him. I think that's why he made me out to be the bad guy. We probably would have been horrible parents together because he would spoil the kids rotten and I'd have to the one saying no. 3rd update: Update 3: Me [38F] discovered my husband [46M] of 9 years has children... likely the final update (MAR/2014, 1 month after last post) So it's been about a month now. We're going to counseling twice a week and were fighting 100x more in the last couple of months then in the rest of our 13 years together combined. I was quite firm with him about not letting her move in with us and not sending cash. I thought we should help in other ways, like helping with baby supplies, tuition, and counseling. He was pretty adamant on getting her close by. We finally agreement that she and the baby could come visit for a week. He wouldn't mention living her to her yet and it would be a time to time of get a feel of if it could work. He used the whole getting her flat cleaned and painted as a reason, so pregnant her and the baby didn't have to be around chemicals and paint fumes. She was reluctant and insisted she'd be fine, but agreed. The mother stayed with her boyfriend. The flat was all set up for her. We borrowed his brother's old baby stuff and baby proofed the space. I made it a point to be open-minded and not judgmental because I know this girl had a rough up-bringing. She arrived on the Saturday (a week before the one past). Husband picked her up from the airport. They came to the main house first, husband carrying the baby and suitcase. She hardly mumbled a "hi" when I greeted her and didn't even look at me. She was looking all over the house with almost a sneer. I was showing her around and while in the kitchen, before I had a chance to offer something she opens the fridge. I thought that was strange, but let it go. She asked "where's the coke?" and when I told her we didn't have any she let out a huge sigh. My husband told her he wanted to take her shopping to stock her fridge where she is staying and she said she was tired and she'll give him a list. After this she goes to the flat to rest. Husband runs off to get the list of junk food she's given him. He gets to come for dinner hours later. I made dinner for us that night. I didn't cook like I would for my husband and myself, because we typically eat very healthy and I know it's not to everyone's tastes. I figure you can't go wrong with meat and three veg. I was wrong. She looked at the food like I put roadkill on the table. After much prying about what she prefers (there was a lot of "doesn't matter" and whatevers) she listed off things like Maccas, sausage rolls, pies, fish and chips (only take-away foods) husband offered to get her something which she accepted. As soon as he left she said she was going back to her space. I was ok with this. The rest of the week was mostly her being in the flat. Here are some things that happened. I'm trying my best the just list the fact unbiased, but it probably won't come out that way: Screaming baby most nights (husband went once to see if he could help and she had headphones on laying on bed and baby was in the crib with a spoiled nappy) On two occasions the motion lights went on so I looked outside. A guys went going up to her flat (how does she even know anyone here?!"). It wasn't the same guy the two times. Husband gets takeaway for her every meal (I tried again to make something she might like (fried chicken and chips). She eat it but said KFC was better Husband sat down with her to have a serious talk about her future and how he'd help with schooling and work. She laughed and said "I'm a MOTHER, that is a job and school isn't going to help me do that". She firmly believes that she has no duty to make a living to support her family, that it's perfectly acceptable to live off the dole. She didn't clean up after herself at all. When he went over to check on her food containers were everywhere and it stunk of baby poo. She turned down every attempt to go out and do anything. It was her first time in this city that people come from all over the world to see. She left a hamper of dirty clothes outside my front door (the only thing she didn't have in her flat was a laundry. I didn't think she'd need it for a week, but she could have asked to use it). I put them back in front of her door unwashed. Never heard more about it. refused meeting husbands family so her grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins (they were really keen to meet her and the baby). insulted me twice (about my lifestyle) in the very limited interactions we had along with snide remarks and not understand things because I'm not a mother Found husband crying one night after bringing her food. Well she went home this past weekend. She knows there's an open offer to help her get her life on track with schooling, counseling, finding work etc. She doesn't want any of it. He was most pushing for counseling hoping the rest will follow. She thinks it's absolutely ridiculous and won't consider it. She definitely won't be living with us. I'm really happy we did this because at least we're of one mind about it now. She went home to a clean house, not that it'll stay that way. He told her to contact him if she needs anything but that he's not going to send cash, he will order the things online and have them sent to her. He had a great time cleaning the flat. A weeks worth of dirty nappies. We've had a good week. I think we can finally move past this with the help of the therapist. We have such a great life and I was afraid that would come crumbling down. It seems more manageable now. I know there will be more drama to come though. The son is refusing communication. I know a lot of people think I shouldn't forgive the lies but I've decided to not let the one (although huge) mistake he made outweigh all the wonderful things he does every day. Thanks again to everyone that followed me through this. When she did something really rude, it helped me not get too angry by thinking "what will reddit think of this one..". EDIT: Alright, it's time for me to close up this throwaway account. There were a lot of kind supportive comment and a lot of harsh but needed advice, but the mean comments on my character are getting to me. I honestly did things to the best of my ability and I don't see the point of lying and saying it was a lovely visit. I believe my actions were good even if perhaps my words here weren't, however what I said here didn't has any impact on anyone involved in the situation. I guess I don't have think enough skin for the internet, but lesson learned. Cheers! tl;dr: Daughter stayed a week, it was a nightmare. Doesn't want help to improve herself. We're doing good now. I am not the OOP, the OPP has since deleted their account. This is a repost. submitted by /u/onkel-enzo to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Intrepid_Cut337 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for spending Christmas/New Year with my ex in-laws because my family invited my ex over for Christmas? Trigger Warnings: homophobia, possible favoritism, betrayal Mood Spoilers: sad, disgusting and disappointing Original Post: January 3, 2026 Basically we split after age came out as a lesbian at the start of 2025. We're both 42 now and we're together for nearly 17 years. I wanted no contact with her. Which I've been able to avoid her relatively well - my family had a relationship with her which I can't avoid (their excuse is that she's been in their lives so long she's part of the family herself) but it hasn't affected me up until now. My ex and her own family always got along and I had a great relationship with them myself. Particularly her mum. When she came out, they all fell out and they disowned her (they're from a Caribbean background so there's an element of homophobia there). The original plan for Christmas/New Year was that I was going to spend the time at my folk's. It would have been nice after the year I've had. But at the start of December, my mum told me she spoke to my ex and she had no one to spend Christmas with so she invited her to have dinner with us. I wasn't happy with that at all and my mum basically said she hates the thought of someone having no one at Christmas. So I said I don't think I want to go and I'd rather spend Christmas on my own. She thought I was being dramatic. I not long Fter that received a Xmas card from my ex in-laws so I rang them and thanked them. It was lovely to catch up and my ex mil asked me what I'm doing for Christmas. I said about my situation and I don't think I am going to my folk's and she invited me to spend Christmas with them and said I'm always welcome. I said why not and I'd go and stay with them. I told my mum s few days before I'm definitely not going and she was gutted, saying I should reconsider. I went to my ex's family and I had a great time. They made proper Caribbean food (curry goat) and I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed it so much that I stayed until new year. I'm definitely going to stay in contact. I even reconnected with my ex Sister In Law while I was there. I dare say there was a bit of flirtation there but I didn't act on it (although I still might, the years young yet - she did give me her number and said we can go out anytime). When I got back home yesterday, my mum was angry with me. She said I ruined Christmas and I was a bad person for spending time with people like my ex in-laws. Apparently loads of people in my family aren't happy with me too. AITAH for spending time with my ex in-laws over my own family because they invited my ex? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and ESHs Editor's note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am posting the common questions asked and comments Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: Ok this is probably going to get me fussed at, however I want to preface this statement with I am a member of the LGBTIA+ community. I do not like homophobes or homophobia in general and think we can all agree that the exs families’ beliefs are skewed wrong. And yes they should be held accountable, disagreed with, shouted down, and disliked by the majority of the world. However this whole situation has a caveat I don't believe a lot of commenters have really thought to deeply on. The ex strung this person along for 17 years to hide themselves. She lied to OP an innumerable number of times throughout that 17 years. She should have dated around never getting serious with anyone if she was trying to hide. Thus not causing too much hurt to anyone except herself. I will agree the she was probably terrified of losing her family, however she caused real trauma and pain to someone she "loved" for 17 years by not being truthful to herself or him. We also don't know if there was any infidelity from her, which might be a question in the back of OP's brain, because obviously he can't trust anything she says. I know that it was her families fault, to a degree, that she hid her true self. And what her family has done is completely wrong. She had other options but choose the worst one that would cause an innocent person to be hurt for years, and carry that pain for the rest of OP's life. She was a hundred percent wrong, and the fact that his family thought they could bully him into being with someone who hurt him so much ON CHRISTMAS, is even more wrong to him. The fact that she apparently mentioned to his mother how she would be alone, probably to get an invite. And the mother did invite her because she "shouldn't be alone" but op should or be uncomfortable. The plain fact is someone who would do that should be alone at least for a bit, they should face consequences of their actions. I say all this to say op was traumatized by his ex with 17 years of lies. He lost a good portion of his life to someone who was too cowardly to at least be honest with him. His response to hang out with bigots afters being hurt by someone of the hated group is sort of human and understandable right now. It is a family that loves him and is nice to him. Everyone on here is talking about hating bigots, which I agree with I didn't come out till late in life because of the bigots in my life. But I also never drug some poor unknowing person down the path I choose, crushing their heart after 17 years. Right now I'm willing to give OP grace he was hurt deeply first by the women he loved for 17 years then by the family he loved his whole life. This is a trauma response, I refuse to believe with no evidence that OP had always been homophobic, which I agreed would make him a bad guy. What I read this as, including the flirting with the ex's sister, is someone who is hurt and reacting in a way to hurt the person who hurt them. I could be wrong and OP could be everything everyone is accusing him of, however I read a story written by a very hurt man who is yes reacting poorly, but is honestly just being human. It could take many years of therapy for OP to even understand fully what he is feeling, which by the way OP I would really look into for yourself. Im not saying you are wrong to be hurt, or there is anything wrong with you. But therapy would help you process this all in a healthier way, a way in which in the end you don't become a hateful person who hurts others, or hides in his hate. OP I knowing your hurting you have every right to hurt, you have every right to be mad at your ex and your family. However if you continue down this path of hate, I hope you weren't on before all of this, when you come to the end of the path you will probably dislike yourself for the choices you have made. Right now in this choice of where you spent christmas I understand why you choose to be with a family that wanted to include you with out pain, however going further with this will permanently change you for the worse. I give you grace now because the pain is fresh and hard however if you continue or date the sister you will be setting yourself up to become what we need less of in this world, hatefully bigoted. Work hard on yourself, understanding the hurt you've been through and don't let it change you into something your not. And know not everyone in the community acts as she did and do not paint us all with the same brush as her, if you do it will allow you to hate indiscriminately and hurt other who are innocent. Sorry for the long response, and remember my opinion is only of one person and obviously not indicative of a whole group of people. Just get yourself someone knowledgeable to talk to and help you work through this pain she and your family caused. It would also give you the words to use to express yourself clearly and openly and might even help you explain in a way your family gets why you were hurt. OOP responds to multiple comments about being alone for Christmas and if it was a deal breaking for a family that ostracize their child for being gay OOP: No it's not a deal breaker because they actually like me and didn't want me to be alone on Christmas. Whereas my own family didn't care if I was alone. That's the difference. My family showed me they didn't care if their son was alone just because someone else would be. Whereas those people welcomed me and loved me despite not being blood related. I do have friends, but no one invited me. And I'm not rude enough to go "I'm alone on Christmas, can I come to your house?" It may be sad to you, but I felt the least alone I've felt all year. Downvoted Commenter: Wow, what a self-centered narcissist, or at least that's how you are presenting yourself. Wasted 17 years - were they good years? Did you love her and enjoy your time together? Then they weren't wasted, they were good years and now it's over. Happens all the time, whether she came out, or just fell out of love. You are expressing zero concern for her as a person. I am very LC with my former girlfriend because her verbal abuse, narcissism and mental illness drained me over 13 years and I just can't. If there was abuse then I get your emotions but you're coming off as a man who is furious that his partner prefers women over HIM! OOP: Most of them were good. The last few weren't and the break up was awful. She hurt me bad. I found out that she was never attracted to me or my body, had to fake enthusiasm for sex, imagined women just to get off - the works. Then had the audacity to ask if we could be friends! OOP explains that spending Christmas with friends isn't the same as with family Commenter 2: Well, it wasn’t your family was it? And why didn’t you spend Christmas with your child? OOP: They have been for 17 years. My child is at Uni and not in the same city as me. So it wasn't an option. Why didn't OOP invite a couple friends over? OOP: I didn't want to invite anyone over? Didn't think to, because I didn't want anyone to know I'd be alone. Commenter 3: ESH Your parents shouldn’t have invited your ex for Christmas Your ex shouldn’t have accepted Your ex’s family shouldn’t have invited you You shouldn’t have accepted Her sister shouldn’t have flirted with you You shouldn’t be thinking of taking that further There’s billions of people on the planet absolutely no need for you two to get together, please don’t do it. OOP: I mean why not? She's an attractive woman who likes me, and it'll be nice to experience the feeling of someone who's actually attracted to me rather than pretends to be. Commenter 4: Genuine question, and I do mean genuine. Is it possible that your mom is trying to get you and your ex to get back together? Like does she possibly not believe that your ex is actually a lesbian? OOP: No, I really do doubt it. Commenter 4: Second question. Did your mom invite your ex, or did your ex ask your mom to come? And did your ex bring a girlfriend if that’s possible for you to know? Because it seems wild and incredibly painful for you. I’m sure that your mom shows your ex over you. And I’m sorry that everyone is dog piling on you, I genuinely don’t believe you deserve it. At all. OOP: My mum did invite her first, I don't believe she asked my mum if she could come. No idea if she brought anyone though, I haven't asked. Commenter 5: YTA for spending the holidays with bigots and “reconnecting” with them. Period. It seems this isn’t really about your ex but more about you enjoying time with like-minded individuals which your birth family absolutely does not have to welcome into their lives. OOP: So I should have been on my own then?   Update: January 9, 2026 (six days later) UPDATE AITAH for spending Christmas/New Year with my ex in-laws because my family invited my ex over for Christmas? This week, I had some missed calls from my cousin's daughter's number (second cousin? Not sure of the technical term. Her and my mum are close, and she was like a little sister to me as a teenager as she looked after her for her mum when she went to work). So I rang her back and she went off her head at me, calling me every piece of shit under the sun. I tried to give her my side, she wasn't having any of it so I basically told her to fuck off. She blabbed to her own mum who then sends me message after message on her social media about how I spoke to her daughter (a fucking 30 year old woman no less) and how I'm treating my mum. I just blocked her. I'll probably hear about it soon enough - she's a narcissist who lies to make herself look better so will no doubt spin it to my uncle, other cousins and everyone who'll listen. I don't care, if anyone else says shit I'll block them and cut them off and all. It's obvious there my mum's been talking shit about it so I basically rang her and confronted her. She admitted it, that she told people because she was "hurt". I said basically she has no idea of the word and she, my dad and ex hurt me more than anything I could do to them. I told her I don't want to talk anymore and don't bother ringing me, I won't bother ringing her. I got some texts later on from her, really long ones and I just deleted them without reading and blocked her number for now. Since I haven't been speaking to her (not just this week but since Christmas) regularly I've been so much less stressed. It's made me realise how much I'm leeched off by her. For all my adult life, she's rang me twice a day and we speak for at least half an hour each time. Well I say "we" speak it's usually a case of her talking and me listening. And it's all trauma dumping too - the past few years it's been worrying about my dad, worrying about her health, worrying about the dog, crying about certain cousins who died, even talking about how she thinks she's going to die. Fucking twice a day I've had it for years - ironically my ex used to say I deserve a medal for putting up with it for so long (and now she's up their arses, how does that work?!). Despite this situation being shit, I feel like a Burden's been lifted. I heard from my ex MIL. I wished her happy new year and she messaged me back and we've been texting back and forth. It feels like a genuine conversation, like someone who actually cares about what I have to say. She said I'm invited to her birthday do in March and I am going to go. I know that won't be popular of you who say I shouldn't be in touch with bigots or the like but they're the only people on earth at the moment who cares about me and I dare say love me so I'm not about to give that up and be on my own. I've also messaged ex SIL back too. We've spoke a bit and she's not looking for anything serious as she's just got out of a bad relationship herself so it'll be a casual/FWB thing more likely. Suits me as that's where I am too. We might hook up soon actually - not gonna lie, very excited by the prospect. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: You’re trying to sleep with your SIL and think you’re a victim? You’re even hanging out with her family but making a huge fuss about her hanging out with your family? Her family disowned her and your family are there for her what’s your problem? You sound like an idiot. No wander your relatives think you’re a jerk. OOP: More that people have a problem with me being close with her family yet think it's ok for her to steal mine. My problem is that my family weren't there for me yet there for someone who ruined my life essentially. If I'm a "jerk", it's because I've been raised by "jerks." Did OOP's ex tell him that she never loved him? OOP: She said she loved me but it was never romantic love - loved me but wasn't in love with me. OOP responds to a downvoted comment about losing one person because of the way he wrote about his own family OOP: Do you really think I just lost one person? I've had to move, sell most of my belongings, lose my pet. I lost 17 years. Had to endure a year of fuck all sympathy and even laughter while I watch people cheer her on and support her. Now I've lost my family. She's gained my family, loads of new friends, our cat and even a new community and their allies. Commenter 2: Op admitted in his latest post he's a homophobe himself & thinks wife lied to him. Truth is comphet is a thing & there are people who come out as lesbians in their 60s (& gay men as well) because they genuinely thought they're not meant to enjoy sex that much & everyone was pretending. Or that a genuine romantic connection doesn't really happen & they have to make the choice accepted by society. Especially here since the ex wife has such a homophobic family. I'm personally acquainted with a situation like that as my ex bf came out as gay & my family & I stayed friendly with him. He wasn't abusive or anything & I'm very proud that my family aren't bigots & found it's important to be a safe space for a gay man. Even if OP's ex wouldn't have come out, I'd say she did good for splitting, as it's never a good idea to be married to someone who'd down to fuck your sister. Op is a pos. OOP: She did lie to me! She admitted she chose me because I was a nice guy and not like her abusive ex and not that she was attracted to me. She also admitted she secretly didn't enjoy sex, wasn't attracted to my body and had to imagine women to get off. That every orgasm that wasn't faked wasn't to do with me at all. She never was in love but loved me like a friend/family member. And expects me to remain friends? Lol. So now I've got to start over again middle aged, with all this baggage. No money. Older and not as attractive. You say it's important to be a "safe space" for them but they never think about us and how they can just fuck us over and we just have to accept it and still be nice to them and ask for more. You and your family might be ok with being walked over, doesn't mean I have to. Commenter 3: 1) Don’t hook up with ex-SIL. That’s not a good idea 2) the ex-in-laws are not good people 3) your family sucks too 4) point blank tell your mom as long as your ex is in her life or the lives of anyone in your family, you’ll be zero contact with them 5) you need therapy 6) make new friends (preferably non-bigoted people) OOP: 1) Maybe not but it's happening regardless. 2) Maybe not but as everyone has pointed out, neither am I so at least we're all going to hell together. 3) Ah well, so I'll be no worse off trading a shitty family for another one. At least this one actually seems to care about me. 4) She now knows this. Isn't stopping her sicking my family on me. 5) Tried it, not really my cup of tea. 6) I have friends. Commenter 4: You wrote a post that tries to imply your ex was evil, but didn't mention your ex stole your cat...? OOP: I don't want to talk about it really. Too painful.   Editor’s note: marking this inconclusive because OOP has deleted his account   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Funny_Leather_5540. She posted in r/AITAH Paragraph breaks added for readability. Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This has not been posted in this sub before. Mood Spoiler: some good but still a LOT unresolved and frustrating Original Post: January 4, 2026 I only have four days to make a decision. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I should cancel my husbands birthday reservations I made for him at this really cool indoor golf place followed by reservations for dinner. He's always commented on wanting to try both and I thought it would make a nice gift. His birthday is only a few days after mine. For Christmas he legit took the time to buy and wrap me a box of diapers for our daughter in the next size up and presented it to me as my gift. I'm still angry about that. No, gag gifts for Christmas has never been a thing between us. Last year he got me a spatula and I thought this year he would do better after the falling out we had over the spatula. A little bit of Background info: Our daughter is now two months old and we have been working on replacing the floor and painting our home since before she was born with the goal of having it done before she can crawl. Over the summer he did the nursery floor and in the fall, a week before she was born, he did the flooring in our older son's room. Mind you, the flooring was given to us for free from my dad, and my dad bought my husband his own miter saw for Christmas to get the job done so we would no longer have to borrow his. I do all the painting. This past week as we have been clearing things out of our bedroom for me to do the painting and him the flooring he brought up my birthday. He said, "wow, all this work for your birthday gift." I said "Excuse me, what gift? He said "All the work of putting the flooring in our bedroom, but don't worry I'll still do a dinner for you and we can invite your mom and my family, what do you want me to cook?" I said "I would like to just have a quiet birthday dinner, you, me and the kids at Longhorn Steak House, come home and watch a movie together. Also, the flooring is not my gift. This is something we've been planning now for a year. And with the house torn up, I don't want to host anyone in our home especially after having hosted for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Besides we don't even have a place for people to sit. We have all the bedroom furniture, and our clothing in the living room. I'm currently sleeping on the mattress on the floor in here. Plus, I'm not a fan of your brother coming over so you two can sit and just drink beer all evening while I watch our and his kids." He said no, I'm going to cook at home, just tell me what you want me to cook. I said "Ok, I want to do steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans." (But there is a problem here, he can't make mashed potatoes to save his life and only likes green beans if their boiled. I like fresh green beans slowly sautéed with olive oil, garlic and herbs. So if I want it cooked this way, I will have to do it.) He said "no, we're not doing steak, it will cost to much if the family comes over. I'll just do a chicken." I lost it. I said again, "For MY birthday... I DO NOT want people over." He kept arguing the issue and I said "fine, do what you want for my birthday." Side note: Last year, he ordered the traditional tres leches cake but he ordered it with peaches. I hate peaches, he likes peaches. I like strawberries. Plus, my name was spelled wrong on the birthday cake, he thought it was hilarious. I am now seriously considering cancelling his b-day golf outing & dinner reservations, leaving home if he invites his family for my birthday, buying him a box of diaper wipes and presenting it with a card that says "Happy birthday. I painted the house for you." Would I be the Asshole? OOP's only comment: To a longer comment: Thank you. This is the first post I've read that basically wasn't calling me an asshole for not divorcing him over Christmas and birthday this year. And yea, about 2 weeks after Christmas last year, when I had time relax, I asked him for a genuine answer about the spatula as a gift and what the hell he was thinking. He said that he was at the store and saw that it was blue, the type of blue I like and and he thought of me and thought that it would match the utensil holder and our blue microwave that I found in the store one day and geeked over. He said he thought I would like it because of the pretty blue color. That's about as deep as the thought went. He said that he never thought the gift would be sexist, or imply that I had to do more cooking for him. To make up for the spatula though he did go out and buy me the KitchenAid stand up mixer I had my eye on for over 2 years. I was really happy about it...Until he said "So when are you going to make me some homemade bead?" We had the talk about never, ever buying kitchen appliances for someone as a gift unless directly asked for. That kitchen things used by the whole family is not a gift for one person. When I am no longer angry about the diapers, I'll be able to calmly ask him "after the 2024 Christmas spatula debacle, what the hell were you thinking gifting me diapers 2025." I mean hell, I'm thinking if this is how its gonna be, we might just make it a pact to buy each other practical gifts for the home. No more disappointment that way. Update (Same Post): Later that day Update: Birthday plans: I have since logged in and cancelled his birthday golf outing and dinner reservations for next week. Tomorrow is my birthday and his day off work so he will be watching baby as I have also booked myself for a 90 minute massage. After that I will be stopping by Starbuck for my favorite drink and one hour of un-interrupted time with my new book that my son got me for Christmas. Then I will be picking him up from school and taking him to go see a movie. I will round off the day by coming home, taking a long hot bubble bath, ordering DoorDash and ending my day holding baby girl. That sounds like an amazing birthday to me. For him, I will just be getting him a card that reads "Happy Birthday, I painted the house for you." The bag will contain a case of diaper wipes. If he looks disappointed, I will just tell him "I cancelled the Golf outing and dinner reservations and instead go this bulk pack of wipes; the perfect gift to accompany the box of diapers you got me for Christmas." He will get the message. Divorce: As for the people advocating for divorce, kicking him to the curb, leaving with the kids in the middle of the night, claiming that he isn't a good husband to me and father to our baby, please know that you only got one little glimpse into our life. He is a loving and caring father to our children. We struggled with infertility for a very long time so this baby was a surprise but a welcomed blessing. Every day I prayed to not miscarry and even feared death during labor as my pregnancy was high-risk. He took a month off of work to care for me as I recovered from 3 degree tearing and a bruised tailbone. Every night he does the night time routine: Bath, pajamas, story time, and rocks baby girl to sleep. While he does that, I do the house reset: dishes, garbage, sweep. He wakes with me for all her feedings and prioritizes my sleep over his to make sure that I am rested enough to care for our daughter during the day. This is the same man who, during pregnancy, cooked me breakfast every morning and massaged my feet every night. Before he leaves for work every day he will make sure I have time to self-care (shower, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and pump) before handing me the baby (if she's awake). Then he will make sure I am happy on the couch with baby girl and anything I could need before he leaves-blanket, remote, water cup, my phone, phone charger, a clean binky and bottle for baby. As soon as he get's home from work, he will take her and give me 30 minutes to myself before we start talking dinner plans. We make a good team when it comes to daily life. I don't have to make him lists of things to do. I like that when were low on milk, he will just pick it up on his way home without having to be asked and he doesn't wait for a "thank you" like he did me some big favor the way I have seen other men seek gratitude for doing basic tasks. He sucks at gift giving and this year and last year, so yes! I will be doing nothing for him for his birthday. Despite the shitty thoughtless gift and non-birthday birthday plans, I will be holding off on kicking him out and just matching his energy for his birthday. For Christmas 2026, I think I will get him an IKEA toddler bed to assemble for our daughter and call it a day. Update 2 (Same Post): January 6, 2026 (Next Day) Birthday update: Yesterday was my birthday. Hubby surprised me with breakfast out at my favorite local spot and we did a Home Depot run for more flooring. After that, I did go for my massage, It was wonderful, and I did stop at Starbuck for my free birthday drink. I didn't have time to sit and read before I had to pick my boy from school, but that's ok. Instead of going to see a movie at the theater we came home and began a Harry Potter Movie marathon. I LOVE Harry Potter. However, my son, without my knowing, had texted my dad and my best friend to come over and surprise me with a visit. He didn't know that I had already had my best friend and her niece scheduled to come over to look through a pile of clothes before I took a large haul to donate at the Salvation Army. It was so much fun watching her niece try on dresses. We wrapped up the night with some pizza and cheesy bread. Hubby surprised me with a little gift: two new books, a pack of my favorite cookies, and a squishy niffler that I can add to my Harry Potter book shelf. Overall, I had a great day. :) OOP's Comments: OOP comments a stand alone comment and is downvoted: I am disappointed that an AITA post became a dumping ground for people advocating for divorce... He does not deserve to lose his family. I don't deserve to become a single mother, and my children don't deserve to have their family torn apart over this. I was only looking to see if I would be an ASS for matching his energy when it comes to gift giving, not throw the whole marriage away. However, because of all the negative comments, calling me an asshole if I don't leave him, telling me that I have no self-worth. I have decided that I am going to still make the original birthday plans I had for him happen. I'm going to do it not because he didn't do something for me, I'm going to do it because I want my kids to see him happy. I want him to be happy. I want my son to see me do the right thing and not be petty. Despite how I felt on Christmas/birthday he is such a good father & husband in other ways and that is something I don't need to justify here on Reddit to make other people feel good. My original idea to be petty and match his energy died when I read all the hateful comments here on Reddit. So thank you Reddit readers, all the hate made me see how small this really was in comparison. He sucks at gift giving but is still worthy of love and respect for all the rest that he does for me and this family the other 363 days in a year. Marriage takes work, time and a whole lot of patience. No relationship lives in perpetual happiness because we are human and we make mistakes. CatPerson88: My husband wasn't quite this bad, but he did get me a vacuum during one of our first Christmases together. He got a lecture about what giving a woman household appliances says, especially when your wife also works full time... I learned to send him a list of specific items in a wide price range. He still occasionally screws up, but he's much better. We're still married 30+ yrs. Set ground rules. If he's a poor gift giver, I recommend doing what I do- when it's time to get you a gift, offer him a specific list, with site links, sizes, and colors. Any home repairs in lieu of gifts is to be discussed openly, not assumed, and both parties need to agree. It will get better. OOP: (downvoted) Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm thinking that next year I will be making him an Amazon wish list and sending it to him. He can pick something off that list and it will still be a surprise as to what he chose. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/whatdoIdo by user No_Penalty9836. I'm not the original poster. Status: Ongoing Content Note: Harry Potter Editor's Note: I added paragraph breaks Original January 5, 2026 I only have four days to make a decision. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I should cancel my husbands birthday reservations I made for him at this really cool indoor golf place followed by reservations for dinner. He's always commented on wanting to try both and I thought it would make a nice gift. His birthday is only a few days after mine. For Christmas he legit took the time to buy and wrap me a box of diapers for our daughter in the next size up and presented it to me as my gift. I'm still angry about that. No, gag gifts for Christmas has never been a thing between us. Last year he got me a spatula and I thought this year he would do better after the falling out we had over the spatula. A little bit of Background info: Our daughter is now two months old and we have been working on replacing the floor and painting our home since before she was born with the goal of having it done before she can crawl. Over the summer he did the nursery floor and in the fall, a week before she was born, he did the flooring in our older son's room. Mind you, the flooring was given to us for free from my dad, and my dad bought my husband his own miter saw for Christmas to get the job done so we would no longer have to borrow his. I do all the painting. This past week as we have been clearing things out of our bedroom for me to do the painting and him the flooring he brought up my birthday. He said, "wow, all this work for your birthday gift." I said "Excuse me, what gift? He said "All the work of putting the flooring in our bedroom, but don't worry I'll still do a dinner for you and we can invite your mom and my family, what do you want me to cook?" I said "I would like to just have a quiet birthday dinner, you, me and the kids at Longhorn Steak House, come home and watch a movie together. Also, the flooring is not my gift. This is something we've been planning now for a year. And with the house torn up, I don't want to host anyone in our home especially after having hosted for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Besides we don't even have a place for people to sit. We have all the bedroom furniture, and our clothing in the living room. I'm currently sleeping on the mattress on the floor in here. Plus, I'm not a fan of your brother coming over so you two can sit and just drink beer all evening while I watch our and his kids." He said no, I'm going to cook at home, just tell me what you want me to cook. I said "Ok, I want to do steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans." (But there is a problem here, he can't make mashed potatoes to save his life and only likes green beans if their boiled. I like fresh green beans slowly sautéed with olive oil, garlic and herbs. So if I want it cooked this way, I will have to do it.) He said "no, we're not doing steak, it will cost to much if the family comes over. I'll just do a chicken." I lost it. I said again, "For MY birthday... I DO NOT want people over." He kept arguing the issue and I said "fine, do what you want for my birthday." Side note: Last year, he ordered the traditional tres leches cake but he ordered it with peaches. I hate peaches, he likes peaches. I like strawberries. Plus, my name was spelled wrong on the birthday cake, he thought it was hilarious. I am now seriously considering cancelling his b-day golf outing & dinner reservations, leaving home if he invites his family for my birthday, buying him a box of diaper wipes and presenting it with a card that says "Happy birthday. I painted the house for you." Would I be the Asshole? Consensus: Not the asshole for cancelling, but people tell her she is an asshole for staying with someone who clearly doesn't like her or cares about her Comment by OOP: About 2 weeks after Christmas last year, when I had time relax, I asked him for a genuine answer about the spatula as a gift and what the hell he was thinking. He said that he was at the store and saw that it was blue, the type of blue I like and and he thought of me and thought that it would match the utensil holder and our blue microwave that I found in the store one day and geeked over. He said he thought I would like it because of the pretty blue color. That's about as deep as the thought went. He said that he never thought the gift would be sexist, or imply that I had to do more cooking for him. To make up for the spatula though he did go out and buy me the KitchenAid stand up mixer I had my eye on for over 2 years. I was really happy about it...Until he said "So when are you going to make me some homemade bead?" We had the talk about never, ever buying kitchen appliances for someone as a gift unless directly asked for. That kitchen things used by the whole family is not a gift for one person. When I am no longer angry about the diapers, I'll be able to calmly ask him "after the 2024 Christmas spatula debacle, what the hell were you thinking gifting me diapers 2025." I mean hell, I'm thinking if this is how its gonna be, we might just make it a pact to buy each other practical gifts for the home. No more disappointment that way. Update January 5, 2026, same day later Birthday plans: I have since logged in and cancelled his birthday golf outing and dinner reservations for next week. Tomorrow is my birthday and his day off work so he will be watching baby as I have also booked myself for a 90 minute massage. After that I will be stopping by Starbuck for my favorite drink and one hour of un-interrupted time with my new book that my son got me for Christmas. Then I will be picking him up from school and taking him to go see a movie. I will round off the day by coming home, taking a long hot bubble bath, ordering DoorDash and ending my day holding baby girl. That sounds like an amazing birthday to me. For him, I will just be getting him a card that reads "Happy Birthday, I painted the house for you." The bag will contain a case of diaper wipes. If he looks disappointed, I will just tell him "I cancelled the Golf outing and dinner reservations and instead go this bulk pack of wipes; the perfect gift to accompany the box of diapers you got me for Christmas." He will get the message. Divorce: As for the people advocating for divorce, kicking him to the curb, leaving with the kids in the middle of the night, claiming that he isn't a good husband to me and father to our baby, please know that you only got one little glimpse into our life. He is a loving and caring father to our children. We struggled with infertility for a very long time so this baby was a surprise but a welcomed blessing. Every day I prayed to not miscarry and even feared death during labor as my pregnancy was high-risk. He took a month off of work to care for me as I recovered from 3 degree tearing and a bruised tailbone. Every night he does the night time routine: Bath, pajamas, story time, and rocks baby girl to sleep. While he does that, I do the house reset: dishes, garbage, sweep. He wakes with me for all her feedings and prioritizes my sleep over his to make sure that I am rested enough to care for our daughter during the day. This is the same man who, during pregnancy, cooked me breakfast every morning and massaged my feet every night. Before he leaves for work every day he will make sure I have time to self-care (shower, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and pump) before handing me the baby (if she's awake). Then he will make sure I am happy on the couch with baby girl and anything I could need before he leaves-blanket, remote, water cup, my phone, phone charger, a clean binky and bottle for baby. As soon as he get's home from work, he will take her and give me 30 minutes to myself before we start talking dinner plans. We make a good team when it comes to daily life. I don't have to make him lists of things to do. I like that when were low on milk, he will just pick it up on his way home without having to be asked and he doesn't wait for a "thank you" like he did me some big favor the way I have seen other men seek gratitude for doing basic tasks. He sucks at gift giving and this year and last year, so yes! I will be doing nothing for him for his birthday. Despite the shitty thoughtless gift and non-birthday birthday plans, I will be holding off on kicking him out and just matching his energy for his birthday. For Christmas 2026, I think I will get him an IKEA toddler bed to assemble for our daughter and call it a day. Update 2 January 6, 2026, 1 day later Birthday update: Yesterday was my birthday. Hubby surprised me with breakfast out at my favorite local spot and we did a Home Depot run for more flooring. After that, I did go for my massage, It was wonderful, and I did stop at Starbuck for my free birthday drink. I didn't have time to sit and read before I had to pick my boy from school, but that's ok. Instead of going to see a movie at the theater we came home and began a Harry Potter Movie marathon. I LOVE Harry Potter. However, my son, without my knowing, had texted my dad and my best friend to come over and surprise me with a visit. He didn't know that I had already had my best friend and her niece scheduled to come over to look through a pile of clothes before I took a large haul to donate at the Salvation Army. It was so much fun watching her niece try on dresses. We wrapped up the night with some pizza and cheesy bread. Hubby surprised me with a little gift: two new books, a pack of my favorite cookies, and a squishy niffler that I can add to my Harry Potter book shelf. Overall, I had a great day. :) ___ *I'm not the original poster* submitted by /u/Schattenspringer to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]

I only have four days to make a decision. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I should cancel my husbands birthday reservations I made for him at this really cool indoor golf place followed by reservations for dinner. He's always commented on wanting to try both and I thought it would make a nice gift. His birthday is only a few days after mine. For Christmas he legit took the time to buy and wrap me a box of diapers for our daughter in the next size up and presented it to me as my gift. I'm still angry about that. No, gag gifts for Christmas has never been a thing between us. Last year he got me a spatula and I thought this year he would do better after the falling out we had over the spatula. A little bit of Background info: Our daughter is now two months old and we have been working on replacing the floor and painting our home since before she was born with the goal of having it done before she can crawl. Over the summer he did the nursery floor and in the fall, a week before she was born, he did the flooring in our older son's room. Mind you, the flooring was given to us for free from my dad, and my dad bought my husband his own miter saw for Christmas to get the job done so we would no longer have to borrow his. I do all the painting. This past week as we have been clearing things out of our bedroom for me to do the painting and him the flooring he brought up my birthday. He said, "wow, all this work for your birthday gift." I said "Excuse me, what gift? He said "All the work of putting the flooring in our bedroom, but don't worry I'll still do a dinner for you and we can invite your mom and my family, what do you want me to cook?" I said "I would like to just have a quiet birthday dinner, you, me and the kids at Longhorn Steak House, come home and watch a movie together. Also, the flooring is not my gift. This is something we've been planning now for a year. And with the house torn up, I don't want to host anyone in our home especially after having hosted for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Besides we don't even have a place for people to sit. We have all the bedroom furniture, and our clothing in the living room. I'm currently sleeping on the mattress on the floor in here. Plus, I'm not a fan of your brother coming over so you two can sit and just drink beer all evening while I watch our and his kids." He said no, I'm going to cook at home, just tell me what you want me to cook. I said "Ok, I want to do steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans." (But there is a problem here, he can't make mashed potatoes to save his life and only likes green beans if their boiled. I like fresh green beans slowly sautéed with olive oil, garlic and herbs. So if I want it cooked this way, I will have to do it.) He said "no, we're not doing steak, it will cost to much if the family comes over. I'll just do a chicken." I lost it. I said again, "For MY birthday... I DO NOT want people over." He kept arguing the issue and I said "fine, do what you want for my birthday." Side note: Last year, he ordered the traditional tres leches cake but he ordered it with peaches. I hate peaches, he likes peaches. I like strawberries. Plus, my name was spelled wrong on the birthday cake, he thought it was hilarious. I am now seriously considering cancelling his b-day golf outing & dinner reservations, leaving home if he invites his family for my birthday, buying him a box of diaper wipes and presenting it with a card that says "Happy birthday. I painted the house for you." Would I be the Asshole? Update: Birthday plans: I have since logged in and cancelled his birthday golf outing and dinner reservations for next week. Tomorrow is my birthday and his day off work so he will be watching baby as I have also booked myself for a 90 minute massage. After that I will be stopping by Starbuck for my favorite drink and one hour of un-interrupted time with my new book that my son got me for Christmas. Then I will be picking him up from school and taking him to go see a movie. I will round off the day by coming home, taking a long hot bubble bath, ordering DoorDash and ending my day holding baby girl. That sounds like an amazing birthday to me. For him, I will just be getting him a card that reads "Happy Birthday, I painted the house for you." The bag will contain a case of diaper wipes. If he looks disappointed, I will just tell him "I cancelled the Golf outing and dinner reservations and instead go this bulk pack of wipes; the perfect gift to accompany the box of diapers you got me for Christmas." He will get the message. Divorce: As for the people advocating for divorce, kicking him to the curb, leaving with the kids in the middle of the night, claiming that he isn't a good husband to me and father to our baby, please know that you only got one little glimpse into our life. He is a loving and caring father to our children. We struggled with infertility for a very long time so this baby was a surprise but a welcomed blessing. Every day I prayed to not miscarry and even feared death during labor as my pregnancy was high-risk. He took a month off of work to care for me as I recovered from 3 degree tearing and a bruised tailbone. Every night he does the night time routine: Bath, pajamas, story time, and rocks baby girl to sleep. While he does that, I do the house reset: dishes, garbage, sweep. He wakes with me for all her feedings and prioritizes my sleep over his to make sure that I am rested enough to care for our daughter during the day. This is the same man who, during pregnancy, cooked me breakfast every morning and massaged my feet every night. Before he leaves for work every day he will make sure I have time to self-care (shower, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and pump) before handing me the baby (if she's awake). Then he will make sure I am happy on the couch with baby girl and anything I could need before he leaves-blanket, remote, water cup, my phone, phone charger, a clean binky and bottle for baby. As soon as he get's home from work, he will take her and give me 30 minutes to myself before we start talking dinner plans. We make a good team when it comes to daily life. I don't have to make him lists of things to do. I like that when were low on milk, he will just pick it up on his way home without having to be asked and he doesn't wait for a "thank you" like he did me some big favor the way I have seen other men seek gratitude for doing basic tasks. He sucks at gift giving and this year and last year, so yes! I will be doing nothing for him for his birthday. Despite the shitty thoughtless gift and non-birthday birthday plans, I will be holding off on kicking him out and just matching his energy for his birthday. For Christmas 2026, I think I will get him an IKEA toddler bed to assemble for our daughter and call it a day. Birthday update: Yesterday was my birthday. Hubby surprised me with breakfast out at my favorite local spot and we did a Home Depot run for more flooring. After that, I did go for my massage, It was wonderful, and I did stop at Starbuck for my free birthday drink. I didn't have time to sit and read before I had to pick my boy from school, but that's ok. Instead of going to see a movie at the theater we came home and began a Harry Potter Movie marathon. I LOVE Harry Potter. However, my son, without my knowing, had texted my dad and my best friend to come over and surprise me with a visit. He didn't know that I had already had my best friend and her niece scheduled to come over to look through a pile of clothes before I took a large haul to donate at the Salvation Army. It was so much fun watching her niece try on dresses. We wrapped up the night with some pizza and cheesy bread. Hubby surprised me with a little gift: two new books, a pack of my favorite cookies, and a squishy niffler that I can add to my Harry Potter book shelf. Overall, I had a great day. :) submitted by /u/Funny_Leather_5540 to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

I have explicity told my sister twice on two seperate occasions (one being the wedding rehearsal yesterday) that she can not invite people to my wedding behind my back and that her best friend is not coming. But she wouldn't be my sister if she respected me, and didn't try and center everything around herself. She knew about our wedding date before her baby was even conceived. He is welcome to be there or not. Her drinking buddy is not. It makes no sense to have a babysitter if the baby being sat is going to be at the wedding because then my sister can take care of him. This is just an excuse to have someone she wants to drink with there (and someone I have met maybe twice in my life). We are having a small wedding and frankly just the disrespect of first 'inviting' someone and then asking me if it is okay (when I had already heard from others she had) is bad enough. But then when I said no, telling me yesterday at the wedding rehearsal that her friend will need a seat at the back of the chapel was a real 'are you fucking serious?!?!' Moment. Honestly I bet she will try to ignore me again and have her friend there. There isn't much I can do except preempt a few people to kick bestie out on my behalf if it comes to it. This is just so....expected? Typical? Unsuprising. And I really wish it wasn't. That my sister would respect me on my day and not put herself first. All she has to do is be there, with baby or without. Baby being dropped off after the ceremony. Fine, easy, dandy. But no I am not having someone who does not know MY family be there without being invited. I will update with what happens. Either way it will be my happy day. Family be family-ing. Update: First off, thank you for all the well wishes and congratulations. The wedding was perfect. From the moment hubby (ehh!) and I locked eyes from across the ceremony we were in tears and never stopped smiling. Our little toddler wild card brought so many laughs and the day was all about love and family. Everything was stunning and went smoothly and I wish every moment lasted a lifetime. Now, the drama. For those that wanted me to kick my sister or her friend out, sorry that didn't happen. I owe a lot of people $50. For those that wanted me to go low/no contact. You got your wish. What she did was worse. Near the end of the reception where there was drinking, dancing, and good laughs. I joined in my cousins and they had a few tidbits to tell me about having to keep my sister in check and away from non-family. My new BIL(good bloke) came over joined in the laughing and asked if this was about him and the other groomsmen. He whisked me away to let me know. In the light of the next day it is really sinking in that my sister tried to woe married/coupled men at my wedding by cornering them, feeling them up, and having her tits out. I am angry with myself for not thinking of kicking her out then and there. I honestly didn't think about that option and everyone was downplaying it by making her the butt of the joke and telling me they would keep her in line. Suffice to say I do not want to see her anytime soon. I will not be spending Christmas, my kids birthday, or any other time with her. I have told my Now husband (ehh!) and he says if she plays dumb or whines to the family everyone will have my back and a simple "so how many men saw your tits' at my wedding?" Should shut her up. I do feel so much disappointment. I knew she was a lose canon and 'main character' but I didn't think she would be a wanabe homewrecker. It is weird growing up with someone, knowing them forever and still not seeing how bad they are. We are polar opposites. I don't want to involve my Mum with this. She will be heartbroken too. I think I will leave it until Christmas plans are discussed to let that ball drop. submitted by /u/Worldly_Might_3183 to r/weddingshaming [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/amethystpeony Originally posted to r/JustNoSO & r/relationship_advice My husband won't speak to me after finding out I'm pregnant. Trigger Warnings: neglect, mental health issues, emotional abuse/manipulation, suicidal ideation, mentions of abortion, severe depression Mood Spoilers: dark, sad, and frustrating Original Post: February 28, 2024 This was a very much planned pregnancy after dealing with infertility for a long time. However, despite dealing with "unexplained" infertility for so long, he always refused to get tested. He remained optimistic that we would get pregnant eventually. The thought of doing a semen analysis repulsed him so much it sent him into a downward spiral of self hatred and insecurity. Then, surprise! I got pregnant unassisted. This should be a really exciting time for us, but all of a sudden he doesn't want to be a dad. He says he wants a divorce so I can start over with someone else. He's already found a new place to live and is in the process of moving out. He won't speak to me. He won't answer any of my questions. I'm completely and utterly confused and heartbroken. Now, I know a lot of you will say he never wanted to be a dad. It sure seems that way. But he desperately wanted us to get pregnant when we were struggling. It was just the thought that something might be wrong with him that sent him into a spiral. I love my husband but he very clearly has some undiagnosed mental issues. He is not thinking/seeing clearly and some of the things he's been saying seem genuinely delusional. But he won't get help. He's stubborn as hell. You'd think he would know better because he's a doctor, but nope. He says he knows something is wrong with him but he doesn't care. He wants to disappear. I really, really want this baby. We're in our 30s and have been trying for so long. I'm afraid the stress of this will cause me to miscarry. That's probably what he wants. I don't understand why this is happening. How can you force someone to get help when he doesn't want to get better? How am I supposed to raise a child without him? I'm financially dependent on him because that was what we planned for. tl;dr My husband has gone off the deep end after finding out I'm pregnant and I don't know how to bring him back to reality and make him sane again. EDIT: After talking this through in the comments, it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that my husband is not mentally well. I didn't include his entire history in this post because I thought it best to keep it relevant to this specific situation. But he has had "episodes" like this before. I'm shocked it wasn't so obvious to me that something was wrong with him. I've suggested therapy in the past but he has had bad experiences and refuses to try again. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Is there any one is his family or maybe a friend that he listens to? OOP: Maybe his mom? He talks to his dad the most but I don't think they ever touch on anything deep or emotional... I don't think he'll talk to anyone about this. When I asked how he will explain our divorce to his family and friends, he simply said that he just won't tell them because it is none of their business and they don't need to know. ??? He genuinely seems borderline delusional if he believes he can just quietly divorce me without anyone knowing. Commenter 2: Is it possible he thinks you cheated? I’m absolutely, 100% not saying you did, but I have seen it happen to couples who fall pregnant after having long term fertility trouble that don’t go the IVF route. OOP: I honestly don't even think the thought crossed his mind. He definitely would have accused me/asked me if he thought I cheated. Now that you bring it up, I'm actually surprised he doesn't think this. It would fit perfectly with the thought patterns he does share with me. Was OOP's husband diagnosed as sterile? Counseling might be helpful for him to deal with his health issues OOP: No he was never diagnosed as anything because he refused to get a semen analysis. We've had a chemical pregnancy before, so he knows he can get me pregnant. Throughout our entire infertility process, he was always extremely confident and optimistic that it would happen eventually. He thought it was unnecessary that we do any testing. I would love for him to go to counseling. He needs it. But he's been mistreated by the mental health industry before so he no longer trusts therapists.   My husband won't speak to me after finding out I'm pregnant.: March 3, 2024 (three days later) Most of the comments on my last post were so helpful. They helped me see things about my husband and marriage that I didn't see before but were so obvious. Some people suggested that his behavior was abusive. It's not. I now know that he's severely mentally ill. After that post, a few days later he came to me and told me he wanted to kill himself. He made sure I knew that he had no plans to actually kill himself, just that he really wanted to die. The next day I reported his behavior to his employer. I really wish I had done it anonymously because I felt that they didn't take me seriously at all. I got the impression that they thought I was a scorned ex trying to enact revenge? Anyway, I have no idea what came of it, but at least I did my duty in reporting it. Now that my eyes have been opened, I've noticed a lot more erratic behavior coming from him, and it's true that he should not be treating patients in his state of mind. Some of you suggested that he never truly wanted a baby. This couldn't be further from the truth. The majority of the time, he is such a normal, kind, husband and he would speak so fondly of our future family. I truly believe that that is the real and true him, and that the man spiraling out in front of me is not who my husband really is. Anyway, not much has changed. He's actually still living with me but sleeping on the couch. Actually, I don't think he's doing much sleeping. I hear him up at all hours of the night. One night he came into bed with me and just held me. But the next morning it was like it had never happened. He's still adamant about the divorce but somehow thinks we can do it without telling anyone or involving lawyers. He also wants to create a dating profile for me and set me up with someone else so that I "can see that I'd be much better off with someone other than him." I of course told him no. He will not listen to me when I tell him I want to be with him. He brushes me off and says I'm not thinking clearly. He refuses therapy or medication. He says he doesn't want to feel better. He doesn't care that he's irrational and depressed. He simply doesn't care. He just doesn't want to get better. I'm still pregnant, and he still wants nothing to do with it. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose this pregnancy due to stress. I'm currently 5w2d. The chances that I will miscarry are still high and I'm dreading the day I find out that I've lost everything, my husband and my baby. I don't know what I would do. EDIT: I am getting so god damn frustrated with people in the comments who are telling me I'm not doing enough because I'm unable to get my husband involuntarily committed to a hospital. I HAVE ZERO CONTROL OVER THIS. I have spoken to a police officer as well as someone from the suicide hotline. A person can not be committed unless they are an immediate threat to themselves or others. And it does not matter what I tell them. He has only told me that he wants to kill himself, not that he plans on doing it. And I will not lie to the police. Additionally, even if I did lie, they will still speak to him and take his statement into account. And if they do not believe he is an immediate threat, they cannot do anything. If you're just going to chastise me for "not doing enough" aka not involuntarily committing my husband to a hospital, then please don't comment because, and I cannot stress this enough: There aren't any scenarios where a wife has the authority to commit their spouse involuntarily to the hospital. I fucking checked. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I think he is past the point of being able to make healthy decisions for himself, and needs to be seen by a doctor even if it is against his will. OOP: Unfortunately no one can be forced to see a doctor against their will unless they are actively a danger to themselves or others. He's allowed to have thoughts of wanting to kill himself. Intervention can only happen if he has given any indication that he will hurt himself. This is information given to me per the suicide hotline I chatted with the night he told me he wanted to kill himself. Commenter 2: OP, he really sounds like someone who is experiencing mania or psychosis. While these folks are generally not a danger to others, the fact that he wants to be dead and is erratic in his behavior tells me that it is possible he may attempt to harm himself in a moment of impulsivity. If his work won’t do anything, you may be able to call in a wellness check. Write down a list of the things you have heard him say and do. OOP: I spoke to the suicide hotline the night he told me he wanted to kill himself. I was told that technically anyone can call in a wellness check, but nothing can really be done unless he's an active threat to himself or others. If someone were to come do a wellness check on him, he knows exactly what to say to get them to back off. Commenter 3: Surely, there is a licensing board in your state you can report his behavior to? OOP: I guess I could do that. I'm not sure what I'd say. When I told his employer, they didn't really see the issue. They kind of made it seem like I shouldn't be airing out his dirty laundry, and told me that many doctors suffer from depression and that it's not a reason to keep them from practicing. When I tried to describe the unusual behavior, I think they interpreted it more as "marriage troubles." Commenter 4: Is it possible he had convinced himself he's infertile and thinks you cheated? Because this all spiraled with the pregnancy news. He is in a really bad place. OOP: No he's been spiraling somewhat prior to this. But not as severe and not for as long. This is just the worst episode. It was always short-lived and mild enough that I just wrote it off. He definitely doesn't think I cheated or else he would be talking about. Commenter 5: Any possibility of help from his family or friends? I know you told me his mom can be dismissive but he’s not sleeping and having suicidal thoughts. You can’t reason with him and doubt you can have him committed. I hope you are seeking outside support for yourself. OOP: I ended up calling his mom and telling her. (Not about the pregnancy though) She called him to see how he was doing and then texted me to tell me that "he seems fine."   Update on my husband who is in a mental health crisis: March 11, 2024 (eight days later) I hope it's okay for me to keep posting here. I don't really like any of the other relationship subreddits. I posted a couple weeks ago about my husband not speaking to me after finding out we were pregnant. This is very much a wanted, planned pregnancy. But the positive test results sent him into a mental health spiral of sorts. I wish I could say I have good updates, but I don't. Also, not much has changed. We're still living together in the same house. However, he has converted his office to his new bedroom. He mostly doesn't speak to me, but he has had moments of clarity where he acts normal and excited about the baby. However, it never lasts long because when I try to talk to him about getting help he just shuts down and goes back to his weird delusions. Sometimes he talks to me about how he wants me to move out. He wants me to go on dates and find someone else to be the father of our baby. He also suggested I get an abortion. He continues to tell me he wants to die, and thinks daily about killing himself. I've spoken to someone at the suicide hotline twice now, and have been told there's nothing I can do to force him to get help. The hospital/police will not commit him involuntarily just because he says he wants to kill himself. He has to have an actual plan to kill himself. I've seen glimpses of him in a normal state, so I know my husband is still in there. But he absolutely refuses to get help. He says he'd rather die than talk to a therapist. Says he doesn't deserve to feel better and that he just wants to fade away and disappear. My MIL won't help. I think she thinks I'm overreacting. I already contacted his employer and the medical board. No one seems to think there's an issue, and I'm starting to question whether I'm the insane one. I've looked into places I can stay and there's really no options other than staying in my home. If I leave, I may potentially forfeit the right to the house in the event of a divorce. I had my first prenatal appointment and everything looks fine. But it's still so early and with all the stress I'm under there's still a chance I'll miscarry. I really don't want to but I'm bracing for the worst. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Have you seen a divorce attorney? I really think you should so you understand the process and what you can and cannot expect to get once divorced. I'm a facts based person, and I believe you can't go wrong knowing more about any situation. OOP: No, but I guess that might be my next step. Commenter 2: At this point, you need to put yourself first. This doesn't sound like a good or stable situation. I wouldn't even keep the baby if I were in your shoes. Good luck. OOP: This was a very wanted, and planned pregnancy. I am very pro-choice, but I can't justify myself getting an abortion for a baby that we tried for for literally years. Commenter 3: Any chance that your husband is faking it? It sounds like he’s not exhibiting this behavior at work, or with other people—just with you. Now, I have no idea his reason. Maybe he’s got a girlfriend and wants to drive you out? Of course I could be wrong, but my spider senses are tingling with this one. In any event, see a lawyer ASAP to make sure you know your rights and what you’re legally entitled to. Don’t believe anything your husband says in this (or any) regard. OOP: He's not. He admitted to me that he wishes he would get fired so he wouldn't have to quit. And apparently he has cut off contact with his family and friends. I was not aware of that before. Any chance that OOP's husband is in psychosis? OOP: I've never referred to him as being in a psychosis. I've called him delusional because the things he says about himself are delusional. He talks about how everyone hates him, he doesn't deserve to live, he's a worthless human being, etc. He wants to set me up with other men so that I can "see" how terrible and awful he is and how I can apparently do so much better. This kind of talk is delusional. He's also been recalling memories incorrectly. We had a happy marriage up until this point. He knows I love him and that I think he's more than good enough for me. But he's adamant that he's a piece of garbage and deserves to suffer. He says all of this as if it were fact, not his opinion. And when I try to say anything to counter it, he shuts it down. He cannot comprehend the fact that he is worth something. He is so sure that he is the worst human being on the planet. In reality, he has a loving wife, a fantastic fulfilling job, a supportive family, friends, hobbies, etc. We have no major life concerns such as illness, (unless you count this mental illness), debt, etc. He has every reason to believe that he is worth something and is very much loved, but he fully cannot even comprehend it. And something is different in his eyes when he speaks like this. I can't explain it, but it's not my husband.   Update on husband who became suicidal when I got pregnant: June 2, 2024 (almost three months later) Check my post history for the whole story. A lot has changed but at the same time, I feel like I'm in the same position as I was two months ago. I was never able to get my husband involuntarily committed for a psych evaluation. However, he eventually hit rock bottom and decided he needed help on his own. It happened shortly after the last time I posted, because he has been on medication for about two months now. We even found a therapist that he really likes, however, his schedule makes it literally impossible to go therapy on a regular basis. So he's only seen this therapist twice. I was literally so proud of him. He was proactive and committed. However, things really haven't gotten much better. He continues to be suicidal. In fact, he mentions killing himself a lot more frequently. The psychiatrist recently took him off the first medication and now he's trying a new one. I know it's a process to get the right combination/dose of medication before it really starts to work. I am exhausted. And not because of the pregnancy. But because I've become his caretaker and punching bag. Not literally. He's never been physically abusive and he has never really called me names. But sometimes when he is spiraling, he will push me away (figuratively) by saying things that he knows hurt me. He'll tell me to go be with someone else, to find a new dad for the baby. He'll accuse me of never loving him, and only using him so I could have a baby. He tries so hard to convince me to leave him, and I'm just so tired of it. It sounds selfish, but I can't take it. He has not stopped threatening to kill himself. I don't know what to do anymore. I know the baby feels everything that I feel, and that kills me. I am giving this poor child the worst start to its life. I should be experiencing joy and relaxation. Instead I am constantly in fight or flight mode. Anyway, I've made a plan in case I need it. I need him to be better before the baby comes. I have already met with a lawyer in case I decide I've had enough. I was able to get legal advice and now I have a lawyer on standby who already has all the information. But I feel like we're racing against the clock. I told him if he's not significantly better by the time the baby comes, I'm going to go visit my family and give birth there. Does that seem fair? I feel guilty about it because technically he is trying to get better and it could take awhile. He's doing everything he should be doing I guess. But I have to protect myself and I have to protect my baby, and having the baby in another state (and staying there, getting a job, etc) will make it much more difficult for him to get custody if it comes to that. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Go to your family now. Tell him it’s not permanent, but he needs space to get better and you need to be off the emotional roller coaster because it isn’t good for the pregnancy. If he gets himself help, sees the therapist regularly, gets the meds dosed right, etc, you can always return to him once the baby is here. OOP: I can't. Going to my family in another state is like a very last last resort. I have pets here and I can't leave them. And I also can't bring them. I wouldn't have a room at my family's house. OOP's husband needs to seek inpatient treatment OOP: Inpatient treatment wouldn't work with his work schedule, and he can't take time off. I wish he would, because I agree it would probably be the best thing for him and could help get him stabilized. But he would have to completely redo a year of residency if he took that much time off of work. If he takes FMLA, he'll have to completely redo a year of his residency. He found a therapist he wants to work with so he's trying to figure out a way to make it work with his schedule but it's not going well. And yes his job is indeed that inflexible. And no, it is not good for his mental health. Medical residency is kinda infamous for that.   [AZ] I'm 8 months pregnant. What is the best/safest way to separate from my mentally ill husband?: September 16, 2024 (3.5 months later) Feel free to comb through my post history, but the gist of it is that my happy, stable, marriage fell apart when I got pregnant. Even though it was a very planned pregnancy, my husband had a complete personality change and has been struggling with his mental health. My ideal situation does not involve leaving him. I would much rather he get the help he needs. I have spent the past 8 months dedicating everything I have to helping him get better. He does see a psychiatrist on a semi-regular basis and has been prescribed anti-depressants. To my knowledge, he does take them. However, he remains passively suicidal and is adamant that I should leave him because he will be a bad father. He has never been physically violent other than one time where he cornered me in a room and wouldn't let me out while he screamed at me. I don't have proof of that, but I do have many, many texts of his emotional abuse and mental instability. Like I said, ideally I would like for him to get better but unless there is a legal way to force him to get help, I don't see that happening. He refuses therapy and repeatedly says he does not want to get better. So it seems my only option is to separate for the sake of my child. I need to raise my baby in a stable environment and I can't do that with him. He has stated that if I choose to leave him, he will still provide financially for the baby. BUT... I'm concerned that once he sees how much he will owe in child support and alimony, he will try to get 50/50 custody to avoid paying CS. And if he has custody, then it kind of defeats the whole purpose of me leaving him. My state defaults to 50/50 custody, and I have heard too many stories of women having to share custody with their abusive exes despite having proof of abuse, and sometimes even when their ex has been convicted of DV. I am extremely fearful that he will be able to convince the courts that he is stable. He has a good job (pediatrician) and a fantastic reputation in the community. People adore him. *I* adored him. But he isn't the same man I married and I'm scared. Legally, what would you recommend to a women in my situation? I have no local family or friends. I'd prefer not to move out of our home due to the fact that I'm 8 months pregnant, I have pets, and the nursery is already set up. I think I may be able to convince him to move out but after that, I'm not sure what my next step is. Relevant Comments OOP needs to consider the divorce and get full custody of her child OOP: I don't even want to divorce my husband, let alone take his child from him. What I want is for him to be mentally well enough to parent so that we can be a happy family. Separating him from the baby is a last resort and it has nothing to do with being "my side" of the story. His "side" of the story is him pretty much saying the same thing, and if you read my post thoroughly you'd see that. He has stated over and over (in text, so I have proof) that he is an unfit father, doesn't want the baby, and also doesn't want to get better mentally. My concern is that since he is not fully stable, he will suddenly change his mind (about wanting the baby) but still refuse to get treated for his mental illness. OOP responds to a comment regarding her husband putting the controls on their marriage OOP: You hesitate and have the child where you are, you are putting all the power in your unstable wealthy and from the sounds of it, emotionally abusive selfish and vindictive husbands hands. You have to rely on asking him to pretty please move out, pay child support, have no custody and get help. If he hasn't been willing to do that to save your marriage, he probably won't be doing it to ease your divorce. Ugh. You're so completely right. I hate this. But you worded this to be the exact wake up call I needed. Yes, my family lives in a good state for supporting mothers. But I'm too pregnant to fly there and it's on the other coast so road tripping would take probably over a week. I guess that's my only option though.   Update: July 13, 2025 (nearly 10 months later from the last update) 1 year update on husband 32M who became suicidal when I 31F got pregnant. What's next? I started using this account over 2 years ago to post about infertility. Eventually, my husband and I got pregnant after 2 years of trying. Unfortunately, immediately upon getting pregnant, he fell into a deep mental health spiral. Check my post history for details and context. There's a lot. Anyway, it's been many months since my baby was born and I've been doing a lot of reflecting. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was planning on leaving my husband. It was clear he was severely mentally ill and dangerous to himself. I was trying to figure out a way to get out of the state so I could give birth far away. Unfortunately, I gave birth almost a month early unexpectedly. After my baby was born, my husband appeared to do a 180. It was like the bad stuff never even happened, and he hasn't had a single mental health episode since. It's like he just snapped out of it. He's been (mostly) the perfect dad ever since. And even though that was the best outcome I could have hoped for, this isn't a happy update. Being a mother, I now know what unconditional love is, and my husband never deserved mine. Even though he's "better" now, and that's all I thought I wanted, I cannot let go of my resentment. Every day I feel like I hate him more and more. What he put me through was abuse, plain and simple. And at the end, he got rewarded with the most perfect baby in the world. And now I'm just here, expected to be a perfect wife and mother like nothing ever happened. But it did happen. Even though I sometimes question whether the whole thing was some weird pregnancy-induced fever dream. (It wasn't. There's no plot twist here.) He's aware of my resentment towards him but he thinks it will go away in time. However, I've only found that it's gotten worse over time. Of course, he still refuses therapy. Couples therapy included. So I see no resolution here. I feel like I'm stuck. And yes, I know I only have myself to blame for not getting out in time, but alas, here we are. The way I see it, I have several options. I can divorce him. And most days, this is what I feel like I want. But then I really think about what divorce would mean, and it would mean my husband gets automatic 50/50 custody of our child. And that thought truly makes me sick to my stomach. I've met with a lawyer. Despite everything my husband put me through while I was pregnant, none of it is "enough" to take custody from him. In the state that I live in, even domestic abusers get automatic 50/50 custody unless there was abuse done to their children. Or I could stay. And try to stick it out for my son by trying to let go of my anger and resentment. But I don't know how to do that. How can I forgive a man who doesn't think he's done anything that needs to be forgiven? I've been doing therapy for myself, but my therapist keeps pushing my husband and I to do couples counseling which he refuses. I guess I just need help talking through my options with some neutral third party POVs. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give. tl;dr my husband became mentally ill and suicidal when I got pregnant. After I gave birth, he "snapped out of it" but I cannot let go of the resentment I feel towards him, and he doesn't seem to care about making amends. Relevant Comments OOP responds to a longer comment regarding the 50/50 custody in her state and marriage counseling OOP: My lawyer says we're in a very father friendly custody state. It's not just a starting point. He was trying to prepare me for what the eventual outcome would likely be. I did mention marriage counseling. I'm open to it but my husband refuses. Commenter 1: I wouldn’t leave my kid alone with a guy who is mentally ill and suicidal. Also he refuses therapy. OOP: Right. I don't want to. But the general consensus seems to be that I need to divorce him. I can't divorce him without conceding some amount of custody of my child to him. Commenter 2: I find it hard to believe that Dad would get 50-50 for a newborn. OOP: We're out of the newborn stage. We're closer to his first birthday. OOP on having another child with her husband OOP: I'm one and done. No more. Commenter 3: Is there any documentation of your husband's mental health struggles? Doctor's visits? Hospitalizations? Maybe even your dated reddit posts could serve as evidence. It's worth asking your lawyer. I'm not saying this because I think it would get you full custody, but it could maybe get you a custody evaluation, where a professional would take a closer look (my husband and his ex has an eval, and they both got full psych screenings) and maybe make therapy a requirement for 50-50 custody. Anyone who would refuse therapy after that kind of struggle is a selfish prick OOP: Just text messages and some voice memos I took of him while he was suicidal. My lawyer went through everything. He said it was damning evidence that my husband is a POS but not the kind of POS that a court would deny access to his child. Commenter 4: So, this shady (and not sure it will work), but can you visit family in a state you want to live and have support, and get a Driver’s license there with their address and maybe put a utility (internet bill) into your name to establish “residency”. Maybe even get a WFH job while there. Go back to your current residence, and get an exit plan in place. You purge stuff you don’t need, if possible get a storage unit and start putting stuff you don’t need currently in there, family treasures, etc. Just doing some decluttering and “Spring” cleaning, if questions are asked. Don’t forget your important personal documents (marriage certificate, birth certificates, SS cards). And when the opportunity presents itself, you haul ass out of there. Just an idea. Good luck. OOP: Per my lawyer, I can't do this as it would be considered kidnapping. I was advised to do it before the baby came, which was my plan but I was thwarted by his premature arrival.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/jaht_ouze.** Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault, Incest, Accusations of Infidelity. I think my husband is having an affair with his step-sister, July 12th, 2024. Just what the title says. I believe my (24f) husband (24m) and his step-sister (23f) are having an affair, my head is spinning and I don’t know what to do. My husband’s parents got divorced when he was 15 and his dad remarried when he was 17. His step-mom has one daughter, let’s call her Jess, who was 16 at the time of the marriage. They all lived together for about a year and a half before he left for college which is where him and I met freshman year. Our sophomore year Jess began going to the same school as us, he introduced her to our friend group and she quickly became a part of it. They always seemed more like friends than siblings because obviously their parents didn’t marry till they were older, but they’d sometimes refer to each other as bro and sis. Back then I sometimes got the vibe that she was flirting with him, but he never returned it and I just brushed it off as her personality and that I was being crazy bc no way that would happen. Fast forward to now, we all still live in our hometown and see each other pretty often. Jess is single and hasn’t had a boyfriend in several years, her and my husband are still very close. When we are all hanging out together (including their parents) if we’re sitting on the couch she will sit right up against him, sometimes even put her head on his shoulder if he’s showing her videos on his phone. I have always found it odd but again have brushed it off. Of course they aren’t actually related but it would still be too taboo and weird, so I’ve never fully let myself have the suspicions. However over the last 6 months things have been getting weirder. Both my husband and I’s birthdays are in April and only a week apart so over the last couple years we’ve kind of just combined them and celebrated both at the same time. We had friends and family over, and normally we also receive joint gifts but this year Jess got my husband something specific to him (fairly expensive gaming headphones and a watch) but nothing for me, and she also got him a card and wrote a decent amount in it. I didn’t get to read it when we were opening things and then later on I couldn’t find it, when I asked my husband where it was he brushed it off saying oh he must’ve accidentally thrown it out with its envelope, but the envelope was still with everything else on the counter. They’ve been texting a lot more and she’s also been talking to me less (remember her and I have been friends for the last 5 years). Sometimes I’ll see texts from her pop up on his phone screen and there will be 🤍 💕 😍 emojis. This will be while he’s holding it and he’ll unlock it pretty fast so I’ve never really been able to see what they say. If I ask her to meet up or hangout with just me, she’s always busy. But if it’s her coming over our home to see the both of us she never says no. He also has been going to see her more often (which is kind of a complicated detail bc she still lives at home with her mom and his dad so he just tells me he’s going to hangout with his dad for a bit), but I have a feeling it’s for her. Him and I have also been less intimate lately. Neither of us have ever had super high sex drives but we have always averaged at least twice a week, and now it’s about 2-3 times a month. What’s pushed me over the edge is when we all got together this passed July 4th. We were at my FIL’s house for a big cookout/pool party. While in the pool she kept hanging on him from behind (picture him giving her a piggy back ride in the water), splashing him, being overly playful, etc. I kept thinking in my head I was crazy because maybe after all these years they really do have a sibling-like dynamic and she’s just messing around. But I also caught her staring at me when my husband and I were being close and she looked angry. Now, cut to the worst of it all. We all were done in the pool and went inside to change. I was with my husband in his room and right in the middle of us changing she came in without knocking randomly asking if she could borrow my hair brush. My husband didn’t have any clothes on. I was horrified and said something like omg you need to knock first, she seemed unphased and lazily covered her eyes saying oh whatever he’s basically like my brother. My husband seemed kind of embarrassed but also not as much as you’d expect. She left like it was nothing. Since then she has barely spoken to me at all and I am absolutely spiraling at the thought of this. Am I being crazy? I haven’t said anything to him yet about this because I’m so scared to be wrong and then I’m just accusing him of sleeping with his step-sister. I need others to tell me if they agree with what I’ve been seeing or not. Small update: thank you to everyone who has responded. When I made this post I was hoping for validation of my worries but also scared of that at the same time. I’m trying to keep it together and act normal around him the best I can. Tomorrow he’s going over his dad’s (so he says), so I plan to show up there and see what’s going on. Another slight update because I know you guys are invested: an update but not really, yes I did go to his dad’s house Saturday. A lot has happened since then and I haven’t been on my phone much. When I get time later tonight I will post a full update of what’s gone on. I will most likely make a new post about it because it’s been hard keeping up with the comments on this one. Bare with me as I get my head sorted out Updating to say I created a new post to give a full update on what’s happened Relevant Comments: u/acnh_evergreen: Have they always been more touchy-feely with each other (sitting close on the couch, playing in the pool etc) or has this all started recently too?? If they ARE up to something, she isn’t trying at all to hide it which is crazy to me. Unless they both think it’s so outlandish that no one would really expect it. I honestly think you could be right, but maybe only partially. It sounds to me like she has a thing for him and is becoming more brazen about it, possibly leading herself up to making a move on him, but I don’t think think everything you’ve said also leads to him cheating on you. All these years has he ever been weird toward her in return? Maybe he’s just oblivious to how strange she’s acting because he doesn’t think that way toward her at all. But no, you aren’t crazy. Her, or both of them, aren’t acting right.. OP: They’ve always been kind of playful with each other which is why I said even back in college I sometimes got the feeling she was flirting with him, but the physical closeness was never really a thing (not frequently anyway) until about 6 months ago. I’ve thought this too that maybe it’s one-sided on her end but him going over the house more often and us not having sex as much has me really worried that it’s a mutual thing u/acnh_evergreen: Yeah that’s definitely strange that he’s going to his dad’s more often. Have you ever verified that when he goes, the parents are even actually home? Maybe next time he says he’s heading over there you could: A- ask to come too B- follow him there C- wait about an hour and then call or text your FIL saying you want to talk to your husband but your texts to him won’t deliver (or something like that) and see if he confirms they’re together OP: Thank you so much for this suggestion, he actually told me the other day he plans to go there this Saturday. I may do a combination of your B and C suggestions and follow him there to even see if his dad’s car is in the driveway/if anything weird is going on. If the car is missing I’ll call my FIL and ask to talk to my husband   u/Appropriate_Put_7963: Truthfully, I don’t know any brother/sister duo that acts like that. I know siblings can be close, but not that close.. Maybe try to investigate more before springing any accusations on your husband? Seems a little odd to me though… Yikes. OP: This is what I haven’t been sure of because I have siblings but two sisters, no brothers. Also with step siblings I have no idea if it’s a different dynamic especially since they didn’t live together for very long since they were older. I definitely think I need to actually dig into this to see if I can find legitimate evidence but I’m honestly scared   Deleted Account: If I were in your shoes, I’d ask to look through his text messages. Together with him sitting right next to you, if he’d prefer. Don’t explain why. You could offer for him to look through your texts at the same time, if he’d like to. He SHOULDN’T have anything to hide, and he should hand it right over to you. He will have questions, and I’d suggest you answer them all honestly, but only after you see his texts. But, his reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. If he’s angry or tries to say that you’re crazy, something is up. If he disappears somewhere with his phone - he’s deleting things before he shows you. OP: I’m worried to do it this way because if their texts are totally innocent/I find nothing, I’ll have to tell him why I wanted to see it and I’ll seem nuts. He’s got an iPhone and a MacBook where his texts are synced up, so I might try to get a hold of his MacBook and read them on my own first. He uses his laptop for work mostly though and has a password on it so I’ll have to come up with some excuse about needing to borrow it u/LostGirl1976: You were with your husband in his room? You don't share a bedroom? Maybe that's why she thought it was fine to walk in. She figured you wouldn't be there. OP: We were in “his room” at his dad’s house during the party. I just call it that out of habit. At our own house we share a room of course u/Bbehm424: So let me get this straight, you were at your in laws house... Where she lives... yet she went into his room (without knocking, knowing you were both changing) asking to borrow YOUR hairbrush?.. instead of you know.. going into her own bedroom... and using her own hairbrush? OP: Yes. Obviously my worry from this is she used it as an excuse to barge in   u/AccomplishedMap4275: Wow. I’m sorry you even have to think about that. Did you ask him why she didn’t get you a birthday present? Also why didn’t you call him out on the envelope thing. I would get to the bottom this quickly. OP: I mentioned the gifts and said wow she really spoiled you, must be nice and he just kind of laughed and said yeah wow I was surprised. I didn’t say anything about the envelope but I wish I did. This was at the start of some of the more obvious signs and I was feeling so confused/nervous that I didn’t want to push it Deleted Account: That card is SAVED somewhere in your home~ in his office? In his closet? In his drawers? Business suitcase? In his tackle box? SOMEWHERE he believes you WONT be getting into usually~ I’d search EVERYWHERE while he’s out under the guise of “spring cleaning” Updateme! Remindme! 1 week OP: I have looked EVERYWHERE for the card! Believe me I’ve tried to find it. If its hidden somewhere it’s not in our house   u/winninwiggs5: Why tf did she ask for your hair brush when this is the house she lives in?! If this isn't fake, that should have been both of your immediate reactions OP: Her full statement was “hey can I borrow your hair brush? I can’t find mine”. Unfortunately this is real u/Subject_Ad_4561: Yeah something is off. Even if he’s not having an affair with her I bet they’ve had sex before. OP: Back when we were in college, one of our friends asked him about that not long after he introduced her to us. He seemed genuinely grossed out by the question and said no. At the time him and I were still just friends so I don’t think he had a reason to lie about it. I do think something is going on but I don’t think it stems that far back I think my husband and his step-sister are having an affair: UPDATE, Posted July 31st, 2024. Hey everyone. Sorry that it’s been so long since I made my original post about this (if you haven’t seen it you can find it on my profile). To say that our family has totally imploded since I last posted would be an understatement. So much has happened that I never expected or was prepared for so I apologize that I kind of ghosted all of you, but this has been really hard. Just an FYI, I’ll be mentioning text messages a fair amount and it’ll be paraphrasing. Leaving off from my last update, I did go to his dad’s house that weekend that my husband told me he was going to see him. When I got there, only my husband’s car was in the driveway. I wasn’t sure what to do, if I should try calling his dad, calling my husband or what. I decided to just go in because I didn’t want to play games. I walk in and hear his and Jess’ voices coming from the kitchen and it sounded like they were yelling. Even now I couldn’t tell you what they were saying, I was so full of adrenaline as I approached them it was like I was watching them on mute or something and not actually hearing what was happening. He spotted me and looked like a deer in the headlights, and all I could muster up was to say what’s going on?? I stared at them for a couple seconds and then my fight or flight kicked in, I’m very non confrontational so my instinct was to turn around and run. He chased after me and pulled me into a guest room to talk. Again I asked what was going on, that he’s been acting so weird and so has Jess, and point blank asked if he was cheating on me. He seemed shocked at the question but then out of nowhere started bawling his eyes out. I’ve never seen my husband cry before. He said that no he’s not cheating but has something to tell me but couldn’t do it there and needed to leave/for us to go back to our house. At first I protested and said no I needed to know right then and there but he still was having a breakdown begging me so I agreed. We left his car there and drove home together in mine but I sat in silence the whole ride as he cried and was trying to collect himself. When we got home we sat in the living room and I once again asked him what the fuck was happening and my patience had run thin. Then out came his word vomit. He told me that in college, our junior/Jess’ sophomore year, after him and a bunch of our friends had gone to a party (we were dating by this time but I wasn’t there that night, I’d come home for the weekend to hangout with family that was in town) and he got really drunk, our guy friends kind of ditched him to go hookup so Jess offered him to crash on her couch for the night (our school had on-campus apartments and she had a single bc she was an RA). He said he woke up at some point after that, with his pants down and her on top of him, having sex. He told me at the time he felt out of it and didn’t really get what was happening and that’s all he remembers was waking up and feeling it/seeing her. He then woke up again a couple hours later and she was asleep in her own bed, so he left and went back to his own dorm. He never told anyone. It took him a long time to even fully understand what had happened and he felt like he couldn’t tell anybody because 1- he felt ashamed and embarrassed 2- he didn’t think anyone would believe him 3- he didn’t want to be known as the guy that slept with his step-sister 4- he was afraid of losing me and 5- he was worried about his dad and if he found out that it could affect or ruin his new marriage and that his dad is so happy with his step-mom. He told me he basically just acted like nothing happened, even around Jess when we all hung out together. He said him and her never spoke about it or said anything until a couple years later, when him and I got engaged after graduation. She sent him a text essentially saying she loved him and thought about “that night” all the time and that why did their parents have to meet and get married, they could be together otherwise, etc. Essentially she is obsessed with him. Shamefully I will admit when he first told me all of this I wasn’t sure what to think or believe, until I saw their text messages. I questioned him saying if this was the case why are they always talking, why wouldn’t he distance himself now that we’re married and out of school. He told me it started up again with her, about 6 months ago like I said on my original post, when him and I told our families that we decided we wanted to try for a baby. He had a screenshot of the text she sent him the next day ranting about how he shouldn’t do this, marriages aren’t permanent until a baby comes into the mix, there’s still a chance for them to “be honest with their family” and for him to leave me, she still loves him after all this time, etc. He replied saying he loved me and wanted to start a family with me and that he didn’t love her in that way, and he never wanted her to bring this up to him ever again. That’s when her demeanor changed and she said if he didn’t love her, why did he f*ck her and what would their family think, essentially blackmailing him. I read through as many of their texts as I could handle and it was always her saying things like she was thinking about him, she wants to see him, she’d even send texts while we were all together telling him he looks good in that outfit. Sometimes he wouldn’t reply and others he’d be trying to have a normal convo/steer it in a different direction, and sometimes just telling her to stop it. The days he’s told me he’s going to hangout with his dad, it’s her begging him to go over there so she can see him or “she will tell her mom everything”. So he’d agree to go but he swears nothing has ever happened, that one of their parents would be there a majority of the time and it would just be all of them on the patio or in the living room. That that day, he went there to tell her he was sick of it and couldn’t do it anymore, she could tell people whatever she wants but he was done, and that’s why they were yelling. I sat there taking it all in and honestly was speechless as I did not expect any of this. I asked him about our sudden lack of intimacy (essentially only during my fertile window since we’re trying for a baby but never any other time), and he said all of this being brought up for him mentally has made him shut down about sex. He was only doing it for me bc I want a baby. That it’s taken him so long to realize/come to terms with the fact that she assaulted him. And how this harassment. I cried. I felt betrayed by her and then a heavy, deep empathy for him. I just hugged him and cried and he cried too. I told him he really needs to tell his dad because we can no longer associate with her in any way, and how can we manage that when she lives with him. At first he said no, he couldn’t because he’s worried they won’t believe him and also doesn’t want to ruin his dad’s life because how could the marriage with his step mom survive this. I told him I don’t have an answer for that, he has to trust that his dad will believe him and I was also worried about her panicking after their argument and doing something crazy. He agreed to tell his dad and said he wanted to do it alone. The following weekend he met up with dad and told him everything, showed the texts to him, etc. His dad believed him and like me was caught off guard and speechless. This led to him telling his wife and saying he was kicking Jess out, however his wife did not believe it. She claims my husband must have edited the texts somehow (actual texts in the message app that you can scroll through, and it’s Jess’ number attached to the contact). Jess freaked out, saying none of it was true and he was the one who’d been harassing her. Thats when my husband threatened to take it all to the police for an order of protection against her if she did not tell the truth, and she finally admitted to everything in an insane meltdown. His step mom is horrified, his dad doesn’t know if he can get passed her not believing my husband and accusing him. We are currently in this weird limbo phase of the whole family on edge. Jess is still living there, his dad has demanded she leave and has given her two weeks instead of kicking her out on the spot in an attempt to try and salvage the situation with his wife. My husband and I are having lots of talks, trying to regroup. We’ve put trying for a baby on hold as he seeks therapy for this. He still is considering going to the police for the harassment. My heart is broken for him and also trying to come to terms with the truth, that Jess who I’ve known for years would do something like this. I was prepared to uncover an affair but never this. I’m not sure if there will be any more updates after this, maybe if my husband decides to pursue legal action. I want to say thanks to everybody who pushed for me to dig into my suspicions otherwise this could’ve gone even further. I don’t like to think of what could’ve happened. I probably left things out so if people have questions I’ll try my best to reply to comments Relevant Comments: u/Ok-Lunch-2852: Oh wow. Thats so intense. How are you doing with all of this? Way to be there for your husband. And also I’m glad that the truth came out. OP: I’m really hurt and overwhelmed. Her and I were close friends for so long, so I’m really battling how she betrayed him but me too. And I also feel guilty for having this back-thought of feeling lied to by him, when I know this wasn’t his fault. He was assaulted and essentially stalked by her, so I in no way blame him, just trying to shake the feeling and hoping it fades   u/abbasegede77: Hello you should push your husband to go the legal route this is messed up OP: I’ve told him that he should because she’s unstable. It scares me because she seems so totally normal, like this is the biggest shock of my life learning her true behavior. And someone like that is totally unpredictable. He knows he needs to but is trying to mentally prepare, and I’m trying to not push him too hard because this has been a lot DELETED COMMENT. OP: Looking back I do realize/see the signs of him being uncomfortable. There were a few times he seemed awkward or looked at me kind of weirdly, but I always assumed it was because of the PDA happening right in front of me and that he was embarrassed   u/DaddysPrincess26: First of All, What she did, is called RAPE. Not Assault. Second, He needs to get a Restraining Order, ASAP, Third, He needs to Peruse this Legally and HARD because she is a danger to all Men, PERIOD. OP: Yes I know that’s what it’s called and what happened. I myself was R in high school and I don’t like using the word, it’s very triggering to me. He’s still considering taking legal action but I can’t force him to **Reminder - I am not OP.** submitted by /u/Sebastianlim to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Free_River_3388 Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3. #4, #5, #6, #7 [New Updates]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ---- Trigger Warnings: stalking/harassment, infidelity, past abuse, mention of abortion, deadbeat father, coercion, weaponization of legal system, financial threats Mood Spoilers: infuriating Editor’s Note: Due to the lengths of prior posts altogether, they have exceeded the character limit. I have put a TL;DR for each of OOP’s posts prior to the latest update. This is in order to fit all posts in the latest BoRU here. For the full text bodies of older posts and relevant comments, please see the previous BoRUs linked above. RECAP / TL;DRs Original Post: January 28, 2024 OOP, 26F, had an affair with a married man, 42M, a few years prior. She learned he was married a month after they got together. It was when she looked him up on social media and saw his photos of his kids and nothing of his wife. OOP got pregnant about a year into the relationship with him. She thought she was in love with him. OOP told him she was pregnant, and he told her that she could not keep the baby which was expected for her to hear from him. He didn't want any more kids and he was trying to pretend to be happily married with his wife to the world. OOP agreed to do what he wanted but backed out and hid from him. She said she won't contact him or go after child support if he would leave OOP alone. His plan didn't go the way he wanted. The child is now 2 years old, OOP did not name the father or requested for child support. The ex-wife has reached out and asked to talk with OOP. The couple divorced six months ago. The ex-wife wants her children to know their sibling. OOP has not responded back to the ex-wife yet.   Update #1: February 18, 2024 (three weeks later) Three weeks later from the last update. OOP moved back to where her family is, 12 hours away from her son's father and his family. The ex-wife has reached out to OOP to see if her children could get to know OOP's child. OOP finally made a decision to respond back to the ex-wife who told her how she found out about the affair by seeing communications between her ex-husband and OOP. The ex-wife told OOP that she wasn't the only one who had an affair with him. There was another woman that the ex-wife knew about before he met OOP. When the ex-wife found out about OOP's child, it was the final straw for her and the divorce happened. The ex-wife's children knew about OOP and her son. The children are very angry at their father for the affair. OOP informed the ex-wife that her son is still little, so they are not ready for the children to meet each other yet. OOP was informed of the ex-husband's accident, he's recovering, but not allowed to resume his normal activities yet. It shook him up and he had been expressing his regrets about not being there for his son with OOP.   Update #2: April 30, 2024 (two months later) OOP received a handwritten letter from her son's father. He has expressed on how he wants to get to know and be a father to their son. The father said he wants to provide financially and visit the child as well on a basis since he lives states away. He wanted to get a paternity test done to confirm the child is his. OOP refused because she already knew he is her son's father. OOP has decided at this point to have communications through lawyers. With a court order for paternity in place, OOP has to present her son and is prepared to take the next steps as needed.   Update #3: June 15, 2024 (two months later) In the last update, OOP explained about the court order paternity. It took around five weeks to find out what OOP already knew all along, but things were being stalled for the next steps to take place in the court process. OOP did not respond to the letter she received from her son's father. All communications were through lawyers. Out of the blue, he shows up at OOP's home one weekend. He did not want to wait another six weeks for the next step from the court. It was making OOP uncomfortable, and he just wanted to talk to OOP about their son. He wanted to know why OOP can't talk with him about how he would like to get involved with their son's life. OOP is struggling with having trust in him, but knows she will have to make a decision on the court agreement especially the visitation and possible custody. OOP wants her son to have a father, but still having a hard time with the fact that she can't keep him away from their son.   Update #4: July 30, 2024 (1.5 months later) OOP's son is now 3 years old who was conceived with an affair she had with the married man. From the last update, the court process has taken place regarding visitation and possible custody of the child after the ex was proved to be the father. OOP and the ex recently had a meditation session and he has met the child twice. Supervised visitations with OOP present between the father and son. Because the father lives states away, he is required to come to OOP's state to have his visitations with the child. After a year, there will be another meditation session to determine the further steps with the goals for both sides regarding the child visiting his father's home and state. Child support has been decided and OOP will be receiving them for their son. He wrote OOP a large check which she was hesistant to accept. The meetings between the father and son went pretty much as OOP thought they would because the son hasn't gotten used to see his father on a regular basis. OOP is trying to get used to a new normal and reality that the ex is in their son's life now.   Update #5: August 20, 2024 (three weeks later) OOP shares another update since the last one. She regrets putting herself in a position on having an affair with a married man. OOP has a lawyer where she makes appropriate decisions for her son. She knew she cannot stop her ex from having access to their son. OOP and the ex are supposed to use a parenting app in order to make the best decisions for their son. He has reached OOP outside of the app and wanted her and their son to visit him in his state. OOP doesn't want to because they needed to focus on their son, not her. The ex has tried to make personal conversations with OOP, but she has shut them down and re-direct him back to their parenting app. And that check? OOP sent it back because she did not want to accept it. She knew he had a plan to butter her up for something that she is not having trusts about. OOP doesn't want to fall for him all over again.   Update #6: October 17, 2024 (two months later) It has been two months since the last update. OOP shared that her son's father sending her messages about the child and everything else. Desprite the parenting app, he didn't want to stick to the plan. He would send text messages to OOP outside the app to see how she was doing. OOP knew he was up to something and not falling for this. He sent packages for their son as in the way to prove OOP he is trying to be thoughtful and be a father. OOP has the biggest challenge she has been dealing with: finding balance. She is trying to acknowledge the good things her son's father has done for her and the child. OOP wants to protect her son from getting hurt if the father decides he no longer wants to visit? Per the lawyer, she is following their advice to document everything as needed. The father thinks it's unfair that OOP isn't letting him spend more time with the child during the holidays because she won't go to his state. He once again tries to bribe OOP with money again because he wanted to help her in some ways, but OOP isn't comfortable with that idea especially when he wants to change the child's last name from OOP's to his.   Editor's note: below is the update where we were left off from the previous BoRU End of Year Update + Everything is OK: December 22, 2024 (two months later from the last update) I’m just posting a quick update because several people have reached out and expressed concern for me and my safety. I’m fine. My son is fine. I appreciate that people were concerned. There just hasn’t been much change or reason to post an update since my last one, until very recently. We continue to follow the same visitation schedule with my son’s father traveling here to visit. He hasn’t missed a visit, pays child support as ordered, and other than his pushiness things are going ok. My son is a lot more comfortable with him now and doesn’t hide behind me or stay silent the entire time, but I think it’s hard for him to grasp the concept of this guy being his dad. He’s just a nice guy who plays with him and brings him toys a few times a month. Last weekend was one of his visitation weekends and he bought tickets for a Polar Express train ride. I had planned to do that when my son was maybe 4 or 5. I think 3 is a little young, but of course he’d already bought the tickets. The 3 of us went. I don’t really feel threatened by him but I also don’t feel comfortable letting him take my son somewhere alone yet. I didn’t have the best attitude going into it. I felt like I was kind of going against my will. We stayed in a nice hotel that was decked out for Christmas and part of a Poker Express package. I was worried he’d expect us all to share a room, but he got us separate rooms. The train ride was fun and my son enjoyed it. I don’t know that he cared about Santa, but he liked the cocoa, the jingle bell, and the pancake breakfast the next morning. He got cranky towards the end of the train ride but overall it was ok and I got a ton of really great pictures I’ll treasure forever. Everything was going fine. It was a totally tolerable experience being there with my son’s father. I wasn’t focused on him. I was sort of able to ignore his presence to a degree. Then after we got back from the train ride he said he loved me and he’d give anything to be sleeping in the same bed as me that night. I told him I didn’t want to talk about that, that it’d ruin the entire weekend, and that we wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed. He said he doesn’t understand why I’m so resistant to him. I guess he thinks I can just easily forget the way he treated me and our son when I told him I wasn’t going to get an abortion. I told him I can’t get over what he said and did to me and he said “I didn’t mean it, that was years ago!” I refused to talk about it anymore, but I couldn’t resist asking him why he’s doing all of this. I still don’t understand why he decided to re-enter our lives. I do t buy that he suddenly had a totally non-selfish change of heart after he was in his accident. He said he just wants to be there for his son and I should be happy for our son to have a father. He also said he can give him so much and I selfishly want to prevent that because of my pride. He thinks the reason I won’t be with him again is because just because I’m stubborn and insist on resisting everything he could do to make my life better and happier. So, the whole thing just ended in a sour note. We won’t see him again until January. He has really tried to talk to me since then. He has short, scheduled video calls with my son and he usually tries to get me to talk to him but he basically ignored me. I may just have my dad take my son for the next few visits. I know my dad won’t want to spend any time with my ex and my ex definitely won’t want to spend time with my dad, but I think it’d probably be for the best and would send a clear message.   ----NEW UPDATES---- Editor's note: OOP made three new updates into the new year. They have not been posted to the sub I’m dating somebody new and my son’s father somehow found out + unsupervised visitation started: February 9, 2025 (1.5 months later) This is the first time I’ve dated anyone since my relationship with my son’s father. I intentionally haven’t dated. Not because I’m still in love with him, but because it didn’t feel like a responsible thing to do. After the mess that was that relationship and the bad decisions I made, I decided that I needed to dedicate myself to being a good mother to my son. I needed to figure out how to stand on my own two feet and support my son, and that left no room for dating. I also felt like I had to prove to those who knew the true story of my son’s conception (not many people), that I could be a good, caring, responsible mom. I felt like I had to prove something and dating other men or jumping into a new relationship just wouldn’t look good. In reality, I ended being too busy and too tired to date, even if I’d wanted to. Plus, it was hard for me to picture introducing any man to my child. I knew from the start that I would never parade different men in and out of his life. I was scared to take the chance on anyone and have me and my son get hurt. I dreamed of finding somebody who could be a dad to my son one day but at the same time it was hard to imagine ever finding a man I liked enough to let into our lives. I actually went out with this guy for the first time about a year ago. We went on 2 dates. Never slept together. I was being cautious. Then all of this stuff started to happen with my son’s father and I got spooked, I guess. I felt overwhelmed with all of that and not in a good place to start a new relationship. I wasn’t going to really be fully present in a new relationship with this other drama happening in my life. We kept in touch and just sort of stayed friends. It’s not like we hung out together, but we’d check in with each other a few times a month. Then a few months ago he basically told me he knows I’m dealing with all this other stuff but I shouldn’t let it get in the way of me living my life. We went out on a few casual dates and I still felt attracted to him. He’s so much different from my son’s father. For starters, he age appropriate for me. But his personality is so different. He’s genuine, not walking around constantly in bs salesman act mode. He’s not a narcissistic control freak. He doesn’t rush me when I’m talking and turn every conversation around to be about himself. He’s confident but not a braggart. He’s super fun to be around and I feel so much more relaxed around him than I ever have or do around my son’s father. I don’t want to drag him into everything that I’m dealing with, but he knows enough about what’s happening. I was honest with him about that relationship - that I knowingly slept with and carried on a relationship with a married man. I’ve been really worried that when any man I was interested in found out that I was involved in an affair and about how my son came about, he’d think I was trash and not want anything to do with me. He said he thinks people can make mistakes that don’t have to define them and he’s more interested in current me, not whoever I was back then when I made that decision. He doesn’t think the version of me he knows would make the same decision. He told me he thinks I’m a good person and I’m a good mom and that actually attracted him to me more, not in a weird way though. He says seeing how much I love my son and the way I talk about him and stuff is endearing and it was my sweetness that he liked, but he’s never dated anyone with kids before. He has nieces and nephews. He feels fine about kids but dating somebody with a kid is new for him. He won’t be meeting my son for quite a while, if we make it that long. He’s totally fine with that and he understands that my schedule as far as any time we spend together has to be worked around my son and that my son comes first. The weird thing is that my ex found out I was dating. He’s either spying on me directly or he’s having somebody do it for him. He said something like “So you’ve got a new man now?” at the last visitation. And “don’t look so surprised, your son told me.” First off, my son doesn’t even know that my boyfriend exists. I haven’t mentioned him to my son and they’ve never met. Plus, my son has no concept of what dating is or even boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t post on social media anymore. So how else would he know? I think he has somebody checking on me or he might just be following me when he comes here for his visitation. January’s visitation was the last supervised visitation. Starting this month (this weekend) he has unsupervised visitation. It’s only for a few hours on Saturday and again on Sunday. No overnights. Overnights are supposed to start in 6 months. Im sure he’ll start asking for them sooner though. I was a wreck. I didn’t think he’d hurt our son. I kind of worried he’d run back to his home state with him, but I don’t think he’s dumb enough to do that on his first unsupervised visit. I mainly just worried that my son would be scared and think I left him. I talked to him, explained he’d be spending a few hours with his dad and then I’d be back to get him. His dad even told me I could call at any time. I made it through without calling, but it nearly killed me not to call. All I could think about was my son sobbing and thinking I’d abandoned him. When I got there to pick him up, he seemed fine, happy, he’d eaten lunch, told me all about what he and his dad did, fell asleep almost as soon as we got home because he didn’t have a nap. I’m happy he didn’t freak out but this is so hard for me. Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: Oh that would have been so hard, but I’m so glad your little boy didn’t suffer. As for your ex, that’s scary that he knows so much about your dating life, hopefully someone maybe saw you out and reported back, a coincidence rather than stalking. You’re such a great mother, I’m so hoping things work out well for you both ❤️ OOP: As far as I’m aware, he doesn’t have any friends or acquaintances here. He lives in Albert state, so the chances of somebody he knows just happening to see me out somewhere are slime. But thank you for the compliment. Commenter 2: If he gave your son gifts, like a stuffed animal, perhaps he put in some sorta recording device/camera? Commenter 3: If it’s possible and if you have the money, I’d definitely hire a private investigator to look into your ex. Maybe find out if he has any ulterior motives and definitely find out if he’s watching you somehow. You may also have them follow the unsupervised visits to make sure everything’s copacetic. On the other hand, don’t let him intimidate you. You have absolute control and power over your life. You’ve done a really good job so far making sure your son is safe and healthy. I understand the lack of supervision is worrisome and terrifying. Definitely make sure you keep yourself a safety net for you and your son as time progresses. As you know, this is the grooming period. Commenter 4: Make sure you keep your lawyer informed of everything he has said-the Christmas trip and that he apparently has someone following you. Let your lawyer handle it. You are doing a great job! Your son is lucky to have you.   I gave into my ex and I’m so happy: April 15, 2025 (two months later) I gave into my ex this weekend. Well, o started to give into earlier than that, but physically it happened this weekend. I was dating this really great guy. I posted about him previously. I liked him a lot but our relationship was pretty casual. He hadn’t met my son yet. For me, it was just nice having a grown up to occasionally go out and do stuff with. It was also sort of nice having those feeling about a guy again, just the excitement and all of those good new relationship feelings. He got a job about 2 hours away from where we live. His degree and training are pretty specific. You can’t just go anywhere and get a job in this field. Many of these jobs are on college campuses. He’s been working in this field, but in an assistant role here at a college in our city. A higher level position opened up at a university about 2 hours away. He didn’t think he’d actually get it. He’s still pretty new to the field and there are many people with considerably more experience than him. But he got offered the job. He has a great personality and I feel like he probably won them over in his multiple interviews. We decided to not commit ie any sort of romantic relationship. We’re not interested in dating somebody we live hours apart from. My life and schedule doesn’t really lend itself to me dating somebody who lives 2 hours away - my time is already limited. I know 2 hours isn’t far but you know he’s going to be in a bigger city, a new exciting place. He’ll have so many opportunities to meet people. I was sad about it, still am a little, but it’s not like I was heartbroken - our relationship wasn’t that deep. So in the meantime, my son’s visitations with his dad have been going well. He has unsupervised visitation now. He travel here and stays overnight in a rental on these weekends. My son doesn’t stay overnight with him - he spends all day Saturday and half the day Sunday with his dad. He calls him daddy now. He’s comfortable with him. Soon, we have to go back to mediation. It’s what we agreed upon with our initial agreement. The next steps will probably be overnight visits here in my city. There’s really no reason for me to argue against it since my son is adapting well to the progressive visitations we’ve been doing. I’ve been talking to him outside of the parenting app. Before,he was contacting me outside of it but we weren’t having conversations. I was doing my best to shut him down. Now I’m actually talking to him. After he told me that he found out about this guy I was seeing, he backed off for a while. He wasn’t really reaching out outside the app, he was actually doing what he was supposed to be doing. On his last visit, it was my birthday weekend. He told me he could keep our son overnight if I was going out with this guy to celebrate my birthday. He said he wasn’t trying to pressure me to allow an overnight and he totally jnderstoood if I wanted to stick to no overnights yet, but wanted me to know he could do it if I wanted to go on the night of my birthday. It seemed so genuine and I didn’t feel pressured by him to say yes - and he has a way of pressuring you to say yes if he really wants you to. I told him no, we broke up and I wasn’t planning to stay out late on my birthday. I wanted to see my son on my birthday. He was fine with it. My birthday came and I received a big flower arrangement and a card from him. He’s been sending flowers every week since then. He got my car detailed for me as a gift (my son had decided to “paint” stripes down the sides of it with a rock last fall). He asked if he could just have 5 minutes on the phone with me and if I told him not to ever mention it again, he would respect that. He told me he was sorry for everything he’s done - involving me in his cheating in his wife, threatening me about the pregnancy, not being involved with our son. He said he’s committed to being a father to our son and he wouldn’t still be paying for plane flights out here twice a month if he was doing it for ulterior motives. He’s changed his will to include our son and ensure he’s provided for. He’s making a bedroom for him in his house right now for the day I say our som can finally visit there. He confessed that he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to be with me, that he wasn’t still attracted to me and in a “totally different way” now that we have a child together. He wants me to give him a chance to prove he really cares about me and had changed. And I don’t have to promise anything right now, but what if things work out and we can be together as a family, not having to split our time with our son. I didn’t want to resist it any longer. I don’t know if it was because I’m still so scared of the day where I’ll have to send my son off to go stay states away at his dad’s house or what. Nobody else gives me the same feelings he does. Im still so attracted to him and I’ve never felt so good with a man before or after him. I feel like I’m resisting it because I’m “supposed to,” but I don’t want to anymore. There’s nothing wrong about us being together now. I slept with him on Saturday night. I hadn’t really planned to, but I wanted to and fully consented to it. It happened with me on a washing machine in an air bnb so nothing romantic in the least bit,, but I can’t describe how good it make me feel physically, emotionally. I don’t really know where this is going to go from here. I’m going to be careful. I’m going to try to be smart. I’m going to keep my son as the priority. We’re going to stick to the custody plan, this doesn’t change any of that. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I'd bet soon enough he convinces you to move to where he lives...with no job and no one to rely on but him. Did you forget he's likely got someone watching you? How do you think this will go down with his ex and other kids....his extended family? You need to be doing what's best for your son, do you think this is really best? Look at what he did to the woman he was with for how long? And his other children? Once he has you locked down and unable to leave...do you really think you'll be different? OOP: What would prevent me from getting a job there again? Granted, the rent aren’t many year-round full time jobs that pay much of anything there. I don’t think it matter how his ex wife feels now; since she’s his ex wife. His kids, well I doubt they’ll be happy but they have lives of their own now. Only one of them still lives at home and he won’t for much longer. Commenter 2: I thought you might be able to reconnect. My only worry has always been if you move back with him you will not be able to leave his state if you break up. Please make him sign a legal document that you will be allowed to move from his state with the child…. BEFORE you ever move back there. That you need proof/him to sign the document drawn up by your attorney and that this reconnection and getting you to move back to his state isn’t to change/manipulate legal situs. Good luck. OOP: I told him I’m not moving back there. His whole life is there. He’s established there, so I can’t see him moving away. So, I don’t know how that would work long term. I just don’t want to be far away from my family now that I have my son. He told me I should just enjoy right now and not worry about stuff that could be years down the line. Commenter 3: I'm sure he was. It's hard not being the focus when your wife has to work and raise kids. It's really hard to deal with not always being top priority as an adult man. I'm sure it was so difficult he had to lie to you. I'm sure his kids would agree, and that's why they don't talk to him. Girl he lied to you for how long...how can you believe a word he says. OOP: His wife wasn’t left alone to take care of the kids. He was the one at all of their activities - she was rarely ever there (and that comes from the mouths of other people, not just him). Who said his kids don’t talk to him? He talks to all of his teenage children. He literally just took his older son on a trip over spring break, just the 2 of them. OOP explains how her son's father knew about her dating a guy and how the relationship ended OOP: I don’t know how he would have known that the other relationship ended unless he had hacked into my phone or had listening devices in my house. He’s never even been inside my home. My son wants him to come over. He wants to show his dad his room and all his stuff. I’ve still said no. Up to now I’ve still refused. OOP's thoughts on getting back with her son's father and having a relationship OOP: Well we’re not even officially in a relationship yet. I haven’t committed to anything. I’m nowhere near ready to do that. I do know I’ll give up some control of my life if I’m actually with him. I can’t even imagine moving to where he lives. I obviously lived there before, but that was under totally different circumstances and before I had a child. I don’t want to live far away from my family now. Then again, I can’t imagine sending my son off to go live with him there for stretches at a time. I can’t stand the idea of being apart from my son for so long and having him so far away. It’s not something that’s going to happen right now, but it will eventually. I feel like as much as I’ve tried to hold my ground and keep control of the situation, I’ve already lost control of me and my son’s lives once he came back into the picture.   Update: I gave into my ex, but I’ve decided that’s where it ends: May 31, 2025 (1.5 months later) I posted about how I slept with my the father of my son. I was definitely got raked over the coals after my last post and didn’t expect the comments to be quite that bad. Idk what I was even looking for when I made my last update. Maybe I was hoping people would tell me how stupid I was being, but I think I already knew it was stupid and was hoping I’d receive more encouragement so I could rationalize what I was doing. I let myself feel close to him again. It felt safe, in a way. Familiar. Even though nothing about our history has been safe or easy. Lately, he’s been trying hard to show up. For our son. For me. He’s been flying in twice a month, doing everything he’s supposed to. He’s been saying all the right things, trying to prove he’s changed. And for a little while, I let myself believe it. I wondered if maybe we could build something new from the mess we initially created. But after really sitting with everything, I made a decision. And I told him clearly that we’re not getting back together. I told him that when he’s here, he’s here to see our son, not me. That I’m not going to try and maintain a long-distance relationship. That I won’t move away from my family and support system ever again. That whatever chemistry or feelings still exist between us aren’t enough anymore. He didn’t argue. He just nodded and said “Okay.” That was it. No follow-up. No flowers this week. No dramatic text message. Thankfully no showing up at my house. Just silence. And honestly, that silence has been harder to sit with than I expected. Not because I regret the decision, but because part of me wanted proof that what we had meant something to him, too. That it wasn’t just about chasing redemption or easing guilt or having control. Now, he’s told me he wants to bring his older son to meet our son on his next visit. I guess he’s trying to build some kind of bridge between their worlds. But part of me worries this might be his way of trying to shut me out now. I’m starting to worry about how he might try “get back” at me. His silence is just very uncharacteristic. Still, I stand by what I said. He is our son’s father. That’s his role. And I hope he continues to show up in that capacity. But for me? I’m done waiting to see if he becomes the man I needed back then. I’m not going to let a few good weeks erase years of damage. I’m not going to romanticize being someone’s second (or 3rd, 4th, 5th??) chance at figuring out how to love properly. Top Comment Commenter: The silent treatment is the warm up act to what he's planning and it will be hateful and cruel. The only way he has to punish you now is via your son. Keep your house CPS-level clean. Do not allow him or anyone else even a moment of access to your unlocked car or home (to prevent drug planting). If you use a diaper bag, search it thoroughly before taking it back from him. If he was ever inside your new home or car, search them now for planted items. Go so far as to look in air vents. Print out all texts from him and put them somewhere safe, and keep another copy on the cloud. Most of all, save every penny you can for the upcoming legal battle. He will do what it takes to make you move to his city and that starts with him getting custody. To do that, he'll have to make you look horrible in court.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-6512 I (32F) purposefully ignored what my husband (34M) told me he wanted for father's day, he's now ignoring me and won't accept my apologies. What can I do to make it up to him? Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/TwoXChromosomes Thanks to u/twoweeeeks for help with the comments Original Post June 20, 2023 Me and my husband have been together for the past 9 years, we have two kids, a 8 year old and a 6 year old. For mothers day all I wanted was a free day, I wanted my husband to take the kids out somewhere for the day so I could be home alone and relax. Instead he got me and the kids tickets to have a fun day out. And it was fun, and me and the kids had a good time but it irked me that he gave me the exact opposite of what I'd asked for. For father's day my husband also wanted a free day so he could stay home and game all day. He games all the time with his friends, he'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids before going up to his office to game for a few hours with friends. Instead, I got him and the kids cards for an arcade an hour away with a ton of tokens. I gave him the cards during dinner on Saturday so he and the kids could leave early and spend all day playing with them. I got my free day and he and the kids got to make a lot of memories together. He and I got into a fight when the kids went to bed, he was angry that I ignored what he wanted for Father's day, I was angry he didn't see that he'd done the same thing to me on mother's day. He's been ignoring me since and won't accept my apologies. TLDR: I ignored my husband's wish to have a "Free day" of fathers day and got him and the kids a day out because he did the same thing to me on mother's day and now he won't stop ignoring me or accept my apologies. Edit: Some people are thinking that me, my husband and our kids went out for Mother's Day. We didn't, I took the kids for a day out while he played video games all day with his friends. Edit: I can't believe I have to say this: I do not hate, resent or in any other way dislike my children. My point was not that going on a day out with them is terrible and I hate it. My point was that it really sucks asking for on thing and being given the opposite RELEVANT COMMENTS Hoebaloeb_ That’s hilarious. I wouldn’t apologize at all. Tell him to come talk to you when he’s done being a piss baby OOP I really don't feel sorry and I feel like I was justified, I just want him to stop ignoring me ~ bad-acid There is no way he didn't know what he was doing when he set up a day with you and the kids on Mother's Day without him around. Or, I guess maybe he's legitimately INSANE. I feel crazy reading these comments accusing you of resenting your kids or being a bad wife for getting petty. Like yeah. It was petty. People get petty when they're mistreated and taken advantage of. And now he's lying to you and saying it's not the same and not what he was trying to do? Please. Any husband with half a brain knows that Mother's Day is a holiday the father/husband participates in actively. Not just planning, or buying. But is present. With you, with the kids, trying to give you time off. It's what he wanted for father's day, he knew it's what you wanted for mother's day. Yeah it was petty. I would be petty, too, if my partner got me an obligation and got themselves a day of rest. You two need to talk it out, but he needs to own up to what he did. OOP I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids. On both days the kids had so much fun, when they came back from the arcade they wouldn't stop telling me how much fun they had and showing me the prizes they'd helped won. When we had our fight it was AFTER they where in bed, they've picked up on him ignoring me but I've not told them why, just that he's busy with work and is cranky because of it. Fat_Man_Slim Some of the people responding to this are teenagers. There's no age limit. I'm not surprised you're getting dumb responses like accusations of hating your kids. OOP there are many accusations of me hating my kids, and calling me selfish for wanting to have a day to myself instead of spending it with my kids as if I have an infinite amount of energy and time in the day to cook, clean, take care of the kids and have time for myself when I don't Update Oct 12, 2023 (4 months later) tldr for my last post: My husband didn't get me what I asked for for Mother's day (a day to myself to relax) so on Father's day when he also asked for a day to relax I gave him what he'd given me for mother's day. We had a big fight over it which ended with him ignoring me for days. People keep asking me for an update so here you go: we're in the process of getting a divorce. Now please stop asking for an update. I didn't know that my post would get so popular and people would decide to repost it to other platforms and if I had known that I wouldn't have made that post at all. RELEVANT COMMENTS Corfiz74 Thank you for updating us, and I'm sorry you have to go through this! Did he ever see reason about the Mother's equals Father's Day gift, or did he remain willfully obtuse to the end? OOP He hasn't and still says that when he did it to me was different when I did the same thing to him. ~ Leoka I'm sorry. I hope you're able to heal and find someone you won't have to 'an eye for an eye' in order to ger them to understand what you need. OOP I'm just hoping to find someone with basic empathy, I did all that and he still doesn't understand why I was upset with my "gift" MissionBreadfruit9 Atleast now you can relax when he has the kiddos OOP I'll relax when they're at my parents house since he doesn't want custody of them ~ One_Welcome_5046 I would eat my own tongue before I apologize to him you make nothing up to him did he make mother's Day up to you? Please these are all grown ass men who manage their lives in every other aspect this is just laziness. OOP no, he never apologized for Mother's Day One_Welcome_5046 Throw the whole husband away my ex forgot Christmas's mother's Day's birthdays he actually said he was planning it doesn't get better it only gets worse I promise you there's freedom on the other side. OOP That's the plan Why don't they get marriage counseling? OOP He refused to go, many times, until he told me he wanted a divorce and all of a sudden it was "we don't have to go that far, what happened to 'til death do us part?' Why don't we go talk to some one, for the kids." That ship sailed long ago Mothers day is infinitely better now that I'm single then it was when I was married May 14, 2024 (7 months after 1st update & 1 year after OG post) I didn't wake up to a messy kitchen that I was excpected to clean after eating a sub par breakfast, I didn't have to fight with anyone over what "gift" I was given. I didjn't have to cook dinner after an exhusting day where I got no help or thanks from my ex. I didn't have to do anything else that I came to expect with Mother's Day. I didn't feel the stress I have felt every other Mother's Day. I got to have a lazy morning in bed with my kids, we made pancakes for brunch. They gave me cards they'd made in school. And we watched movies on the couch all day and ordered pizza for dinner and it was wonderful. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/aitathrowaway462 AITA for severing from my friends over someone's autistic behavior? Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole TRIGGER WARNING: sexual harassment, stalking, obsessive behavior, threats of self harm, victim blaming, misogyny MOOD SPOILER: Horrifying and infuriating Original Post May 16, 2020 I am 27F. I moved to a new town last year for a new job, and after a few months found a social group in the new town that I get along very well with and we have similar interests and hobbies. However, one part of this group is 'Sam.' Sam is autistic, functional but he doesn't really get social interaction for the most part, and his brother 'Nate' brings him to everything we do. While I find him a little offputting (he has a habit of laughing at inappropriate moments and will ramble for hours about some subjects if someone mentions them), I get that it's not his fault and have always made an effort to be polite and considerate to him. Over the last four or five months, Sam has developed a very unsubtle crush on me - from what Nate has said, I get the impression I'm the nicest any girl around his age has ever been to him. He constantly goes out of his way to buy things for me, even when I insist that I can pay for it myself, obsessively follows me on social media, asks if we can hang out just the two of us, which I always say no to, and has repeatedly asked me if I have a boyfriend, which I don't. I don't because I'm gay, though I'm not open about it to everyone. And even if I was interested in men, Sam is not my type between his mental difficulties and us simply not having any interests in common. I have not told Sam that I'm gay, but I have repeatedly and firmly told him that I am not interested in him. Sam has not been taking the hint, and my friends, including Nate, have told me they think it's cute that Sam is interested in me and encourage me to not take him seriously. Last week, things escalated. My birthday was last week, and due to quarantine measures a few of my friends sent me gifts in the mail - a starbucks gift card, a gift over Steam, things like that. Sam, however, sent me a box of very expensive lingerie, easily hundreds of dollars' worth (even weirder, it fits me so he somehow knows my size), and a long letter confessing how much he's in love with me and wants to see me wearing it 'but not for too long! =.=' I know where Sam lives, with his and Nate's parents, called their parents on the phone, and drove over to their house to return the lingerie. The parents were very weirded out but promised to talk with Sam. A couple of days ago, Sam sent me the lingerie in the mail again, with another long letter that this time said how he understands how surprised I must have been but he can't wait to see me in it. I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore, and will not be meeting up with them in the future if Sam is there. When my friends blew up at me for hating Sam because he's different and 'leading him on,' I shut down my social media account and blocked all of them. Now that I've had a day or two to calm down, I'm wondering if that was an overreaction. VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE RELEVANT COMMENTS downvoted commenter INFO - Did you directly respond to Sam when you returned the lingerie? This sounds like you've told everyone except Sam that you're not interested in Sam. You're not leading him on, but I'm not clear on why you didn't communicate clearly and directly with him when the problems started. OOP I did tell him. The first time he asked if I had a boyfriend, I told him "No, and I'm not looking for one." I have, on several occasions before the lingerie, told him to his face "I'm flattered that you like me, but I don't feel the same way, do not want to spend time with you without the rest of the group, and would appreciate it if you'd stop buying things for me and asking if I have a boyfriend." ~ takatori INFO: I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore. Does this mean you told them about the lingerie and letters? OOP I told them about the letters, not the lingerie beyond that it was a very expensive gift (my guess is that it's at least a couple hundred dollars' worth) and did stress that the letters specifically included sexual comments. Update May 18, 2020 (2 days later) Thank you everyone for your support, and I learned a lot from reading the comments to this thread! Particularly that I was wrong to ascribe Sam's behavior to his autism, it's just him being a creepy stalker with no boundaries. I took some of the thread's advice and confronted Sam's parents and Nate about this directly. Per the thread's advice, I went accompanied by a [male] cousin of mine who lives in the area who I trust after I explained the situation, plus the mace I habitually carry in my purse. In short, Sam's stalking extends beyond what I was aware of, that's how he knew my size for the lingerie, and in fact that was only one of several gift boxes he'd bought for me on a schedule he'd written up about how our relationship would go in his mind - he'd spent, no joke, more than a thousand dollars on me. The parents confirmed that it was all Sam's own money from his job, but that part of his cognitive problems is a total inability to grasp money. Also, Nate specifically encouraged Sam's crush on me behind my back. I am, apparently, by far the nicest and most considerate any woman has been to Sam, and both Nate and Sam thought I was attracted to Sam, to the point of Nate and Sam telling their parents that Sam had found a girlfriend. Nate has his reasons that I don't want to get into (I'm not saying I agree with his reasons, because I don't), but I told Nate, Sam, and their parents that I am not and never will be interested in Sam. It's not because Sam is autistic, or because he's white and I'm not. I did not tell them it's because I'm gay, just that I am simply not interested, never will be interested, and find his behavior extremely creepy. I concluded with telling them that I am willing to not contact the police or start legal measures about a restraining order if I never see Sam again, but that I have begun documenting his behavior, including making copies of Sam's letters, in the event that I need to. I told Nate and his parents that Sam needs serious help before his behavior does escalate to legal and criminal consequences. I hope Sam can get the help he needs, my impression is that he genuinely thought he was being romantic and acting like people do in the movies and TV shows he watches, and no one was telling him that's not how real life works. Their parents, at least, seemed to take this seriously, but as I left to get in my car Nate shoved the box of lingerie into my arms and told me to keep it and maybe I should 'stop being such a frigid bitch.' I've made sure my apartment manager knows what Sam and Nate look like and what their phone numbers are, and to not let them into the complex or give them any information about me, and have laid out steps to change my routine in case Sam tries to resume his previous behavior. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway_81457 Aita for barely eating any of the cake my girlfriend made for my birthday and refusing to eat anything else she bakes until she apologizes? Originally posted to r/AITAH Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU TRIGGER WARNING: possible rape, possible child abuse, domestic abuse, blackmail, physical violence Original Post Jan 31, 2025 I've been with my current girlfriend for almost three years and we pretty much get along for most things except when it comes to my mother. My mother is mentally slow (I don't know what else to call since she grew up pretty rough was never formally diagnosed) and had me at 13, her being physically and emotionally younger made her a fun mom just not very responsible. In any case this is one of the main reasons my girlfriend feels uncomfortable around my mom because she says she has no manners and can be rude both of which can be true at times but my mom doesn't do things intentionally it's just how she was raised and it's hard to teach her new things. ​ The second reason is that I spend a lot of money for my mom to live in an expensive facility/community so she can be independent but still have some help. She thinks it's a waste of money especially since she wants to be able to buy a big house in the future and I refused to pay her medical insurance despite having the money (she's currently on a plan that she can't afford) which she brings up a lot in arguments. She's not my wife so I don't want to commit to something like that yet since I'm not sure how that would work if she ever decided to end the relationship or if it increased to something I'd rather not pay. I won't lie I love my girlfriend but she's not my wife therefore not a priority and I've tried proposing twice and been turned down each time. Anyways I feel like I derailed for a second, but I felt some context was important. This year she decided to make me a cake for my birthday I was happy because she's a great baker and even better at decorating, so I asked for a chocolate sheet cake with canned frosting and rainbow sprinkles. She said it was fine but kept suggesting I have something special and less cheap this year (my mom has made me this birthday cake every year since I was a child but of course this year she couldn't and I told her) but I told her I was sure that's what I wanted no presents and no people over. ​ When I woke up the morning of my birthday, she had me eat breakfast in the living room because the dining room and kitchen were a mess (I'm not sure if I believe that now) and got me up and out of the house after lunch telling me it still wasn't ready, and I couldn't see it because she also had a "really small surprise" as well. I come back and hour later as she'd asked and when I open the door to pretty much everyone we know and even don't know well, except my mom (her parents are there) leap out and with those blow things. I tried to act happy but to be honest I didn't want anyone there at all, if it had just been our families maybe it would have been nice, but I was secretly annoyed. ​ Then when I saw the cake, it wasn't anything like what I asked for it was three round lemon creme cakes, the naked fancy kind with flowers and berries it looked incredible, and I could tell it must have taken ages but It's not what I wanted, and I'm pretty neutral about lemon desserts. Everyone brought gifts and I tried to pretend that I liked them and I did but in the moment I just didn't feel like opening and reacting to gifts so I feel like my reactions were underwhelming. Then when it was time to cut the cake she gave me a big piece and I didn't even finish half of it I wasn't in the mood. I just lied and said I was too full from eating all of her favorite foods (I'll admit that was a bit too blunt especially since there was company, and she was a little short with me the rest of the party). Finally my mom comes just after everyone finished and according to my girlfriend, she accidentally told her the wrong time... She brought me a single cupcake just how I like it, as a gift because she couldn't make the cake this year I was happy and I couldn't hide it. My girlfriend noticed and kind of gave my mom the stink eye which is fine as long as she wasn't being rude but then she took it a step further and just outright made a bad joke about how the cupcake was unique like my mom (she still likes dresses and two ponytails) and a few people even laughed. Fast forward to later I'm eating my cupcake in bed hoping to end the day on a good note, I didn't complain at all outside of that one comment because I didn't want to seem too ungrateful but then says under her breath that of course I'd rather eat something that looks like it was made by toddler than actual quality. ​ That was the last straw for me we got into a heated argument, so I ended up sleeping on the couch on my own birthday. The next morning, I made it clear that I wasn't going to eat any of her desserts until she apologizes. It's been three days she told everyone that I hated the party and now everyone is calling me ungrateful plus her family found out I don't pay her insurance, and right now things are on and off tense and not tense between us. Am I the asshole here? Edit: Not an update just wanted to say that I read all the comments and now I'm strongly considering just biting the bullet an saying I don't care especially since she only knows of both because I told her not due to actual evidence it's just not something I wanted to be outed for (metaphorically and literally) but in any case I guess the statute of limitations in my state would have already passed for me funnily right when we started dating so at least if things go south I can finally get the plastic surgery I've always wanted and a new name... Trying to make myself feel angry and not funny though, but it's hard because she always makes me feel sad and then happy again after but I'm going to tell her we aren't twin flames or anything close anymore and probably update when I feel better if things get intense. ​ Fortunately, my mom is happy as always and we talk every day for those wondering, she's so nice she doesn't always notice when people are being mean so I won't and would never tell her how my (ex?) girlfriend truly felt about her if she asks why things are going wrong. Second another thing that I just wanted to add is that my mom fortunately was not an SA victim the comments thinking that made me irrationally sad for some reason, my father was the same age I don't know if he had a disability but he was pretty strange in a good way didn't talk much but he liked drawing the same types of birds and flowers and they got along well and she was loved. I just didn't mention him because well he's dead... Anyway sorry I have a tendency to get long winded and over explain but I'm going to sleep now. RELEVANT COMMENTS kittyrouge Why are you with this woman? She refused your proposal twice, doesn’t listen to what you want, and she’s disrespectful towards your mother. OOP In short it's partially because she's good at being loving when she wants to and she has something that she said she'd use against me but that's a longer story and mostly my fault. BoredMama Those aren’t good enough reasons, I’m sorry. Is what she has against you so god awful that it’s worth spending any more time with this creature? The fact she has even said that makes her despicable. She doesn’t even want to marry you, which is actually a good thing for you. Good luck, dude. OOP It is unfortunately; I used make adult videos and scam people to pay for school It's not something I'm proud of or can completely get rid of... I'm a changed person but that doesn't change the past or what my job would think since I work with private school children... m1smatched_s0cks If shes blackmailing you, she doesnt love you. Update Feb 2, 2025 Added context because the edit in my original post wasn't clear I added it in the comments but In case it's still confusing it's also here: Since the post is already long I guess I'll comment instead. Maybe I'm a just a terrible writer when I'm tired but writing this a few hours ago felt like it would make sense, so sorry. To make it make sense I used to make adult videos mostly with other men, so I don't want anyone to know. Second, I used to scam dates by using their credit card information online to buy textbooks and personal items because I could only really afford food it but it was still bad and sometimes, I wonder if they didn't eat so I could and it makes me paranoid even if I can't go to jail now, I can still be socially ostracized. And plastic surgery is just that if my social life is ruined, I can buy a new face and name (I was half joking). Also, for those wondering I didn't mention the reason why my girlfriend rejected my marriage proposal twice is because it sounds really bad to people who don't understand what it's like to live with someone disabled. I love my mother dearly but, in all honesty, I would not want to have children like her (they won't have any easy life) and that's the reason basically she thinks I might pass on "bad" genes. I'd like to try to have at least one child anyway because I don't have any disabilities so I'm hoping my child would be healthy as well. But I don't think not wanting to adopt or take a chance is a bad reason to reject someone. In any case I decided to take the cowards way out and leave for work excessively early to avoid her and I put a breakup note in her lunch back. I'm expecting to feel awful later so I think I'll update again when I'm not sad which takes me a while. And again I'm sorry for rambling. Another thing I also saw mentioned while reading replies is that "twin soul" is controversial and I'm sorry and I wasn't intentionally being misogynistic. I've just seen it used and thought it meant some of the same things as soul mate Actual update: She read the note and wasn't mad she just said she wanted to talk things over, but when I get there she's pretty mad and because apparently her coworker saw the note and how pathetic leaving a note is (in hindsight I wasn't thinking and agree). The rest is just a blur we get into a physical fight which we've gotten into before but never this bad and I ended up breaking my forearm, she was throwing things as a was walking away and I was crying so I slipped. Then the ride to the ER was probably the worst I've felt in my life I was still crying while they were trying to ask me questions and then they either gave me something or I passed out either way when I woke up she apologized but I could tell she was still a little mad because she got food and didn't offer me any. ​ After I get discharged, we get home get into another argument and I get mad and tell her she can leave, her sister lives less than an hour away so she'd be fine. Eventually she agrees to leave but she left most of her things here. She told me I have three days to pack up her stuff so her parents can come get it which is fair I guess. I'm wondering if I should pack the ring in with her stuff because looking at it now is humiliating. Surprisingly she only made two post about it on social media and it's only very vaguely exposing things I've done, it's not as bad as I thought it would be and all most of my friends felt bad but a few (her friends first) have blocked me or left me angry texts. ​ Her mom sent a voicemail crying and saying how disappointed they were in me and honestly I do feel a little bad for them because that's their daughter it must feel sad but I really just want to leave her stuff outside without talking to them. I haven't told my mom anything yet because I know she'll worry. I don't have an appetite right now because there's still leftover cake in the fridge and looking at it just makes me tired. I think I'm going to take a break from dating for a while and work on being happy alone because right now all I want to do is call and apologize. RELEVANT COMMENTS a-mullins214 If this is true are you pressing charges? OOP No since I technically broke my own arm plus it would be beyond mortifying to file a police report a-mullins214 What about a protective order since you said there was a physical fight? OOP She's strong but not violent so I doubt I have to worry about her trying to fight me ever again UncleNedisDead She threw things at you. She’s abusive. I’m glad you’re getting out of an abusive relationship where you had to walk on eggshells out of fear of how she would react. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAbfgonemad2021 My (28F) BF (30M) is having some kind of meltdown after finding out my friend's (36F) age Originally posted to r/relationship_advice TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny Original Post Feb 5, 2021 I've been dating my boyfriend Mike (fake name) for about four months and everything has been great up until now. This post is gonna make Mike sound kind of crazy but up til now he's been the nicest, most laidback guy I've ever dated. About a week ago I was on a Zoom call with two of my friends, who we will call Annie and Sarah. Sarah is 27, Annie is 36. I was talking to Annie and Sarah and Mike leaned over my shoulder to say hello. Because of the pandemic he hasn't met either of them in person yet and it was his first time actually meeting Annie at all. I wanted him to get to know my friends a bit so I invited him to sit next to me and stick around. Sarah was talking about her dating woes and how the pandemic has made it harder to date than ever. Mike made this weird joke about how Sarah needs to find a guy quick because at 30 she's gonna hit the wall and no man will want her anymore. He said it in this joking voice, but both Annie and Sarah looked weirded out. I was too to be honest, Mike's never said anything like that before. I guess Mike picked up on the awkwardness because he started trying to explain himself and started saying all this stuff about how women age like milk and it's not the same for guys and men tend to date younger because after 30 they hold all the cards and can pick and choose. Annie said "I haven't had any trouble meeting men" and Mike said "Just wait until you hit 30 and lose your looks, it's all downhill from there." Annie just kind of laughed and I had to tell Mike that she's 36. And obviously hasn't lost her looks if he's mistaking her for a twenty something. I said it kind of jokingly but Mike just went silent and then walked off into my bedroom and slammed the door. That night and ever since then he's been very moody and short with me, and keeps making passive-aggressive comments about how I'm "always" against him and never have his back. We've never even had an argument before this so I don't know where that's coming from. I've tried to bring up the Annie thing several times and he either clams up and refuses to talk about it or turns it back into me, Annie and Sarah ganging up on him and bullying him, which I don't think any of us did. The rest of the time he's just very short with me and keeps picking fights over tiny stupid things like my tone of voice being wrong. What do I do here? I really want to talk about what happened and about his views on women and men and ageing because that's kinda concerning. I don't understand why my sweet, cool boyfriend has suddenly transformed into this weirdo because he got politely corrected once. How should I solve this? TLDR: Boyfriend started talking about how my friend would be washed up when she hits 30. I told him she's 36 and he's been in a bad mood ever since. What do I do? RELEVANT COMMENTS Kdfailshot123 WTF? Sounds likes your bf is a shallow pos. I mean, he was seriously looking for you to back up him that older woman always fall apart... if thats what he really thinks, then your relationship is over in 2 years anyways. Smack up upside the head, tell him to grow up, and yall can move on from this. This the dumbest non issue I've ever heard in my life. Your boyfriend is being a bitch and he sounds like the type of person that is loaded up with double standards. OOP That went through my mind too and is part of why I want to talk to him about this because if he really thinks women are washed up after 30 then what does that mean for our relationship? ~ spo0om Lol he sounds like a sexist dumbass and that he’s upset he got proven wrong OOP What's weird is he's never shown any hint of being sexist before this. If you'd asked me before all this I would have told you he was a very modern and progressive guy, and it's not like we've never discussed things where he could have shown these kind of views before. We discussed stuff like abortion and women's reproductive rights early on and he was all about a woman's right to choose, for example. This just seems like it came from nowhere. ~ TastyUnits How is this loser even attractive to you ? I hope you talked to Annie and apologized for his behavior. If I were Annie, I would be incredibly disappointed in you. OOP I stayed on the Zoom call with Annie after he stormed off so we already talked about it and I basically said the truth, which is that he's never ever said anything like that before and I wouldn't date him if he had. Annie seemed to find him saying all that stuff then getting her age wrong incredibly funny actually but yeah I did apologize for what Mike said to both her and Sarah. ~ [deleted] Once I heard the phrase “when people show you who they really are, believe them”, it changed my life. Listen to who he is showing you he is OP! Edit: to give credit, it’s a Maya Angelou quote - thanks to everyone that told me! OOP I think I'm going to take your advice. It makes me sad because he really seemed so great up until now but I guess this is a lesson to me that you can't always trust the first impression you get of someone. I texted him that I want to talk so I guess either he can respond and we can have an actual adult breakup in person or he can keep ignoring me and get dumped by text tomorrow. Update Feb 8, 2021 (3 days later) First of all I want to say thank you. I didn't expect my post to get such a big reaction, but seeing everyone basically unanimously tell me Mike was bad news was the wake-up call I needed. As a matter of fact it was actually Sarah who told me to make the post, she didn't like Mike at all after that Zoom call and I had been kind of pushing back when she suggested I end the relationship. She didn't sound surprised at all when I told her Reddit unanimously said he was bad news, I think she was probably thinking "I told you so." I also called my dad after the Reddit post and something he said basically cemented my decision to end it with Mike. He and my mom are the same age and have been happily married for 30 years. He said "If you stay with this man then on your 30th birthday you're going to be worrying he'll never find you beautiful again instead of celebrating the milestone. Don't waste your time with someone like that. Every time your mom has her birthday I feel happy that she's choosing to spend another year growing older with me." And basically, that's what I want. And obviously I wasn't going to have that with Mike. Anyway, long story short I did break up with Mike. I texted him asking to meet up and talk and when he asked what about I told him we needed to discuss the Zoom call and how he'd been acting this week. I got more of the same stuff about how I'm a bully and ganging up on him and HE wants an apology from ME and even though I had wanted to do the break-up in person I realized he was going to keep trying to turn it around into being my fault, so I just told him over text that I didn't want to see him anymore. He sent back "Whatever. Grow up." and hasn't contacted me since. So that's that! Not a very interesting update, I know. But even though a big explosive argument might have been a more interesting update I'm kind of glad to have avoided it. TLDR: I broke up with Mike. RELEVANT COMMENTS TheowRA-4545 Good thing done. Now for her to reconcile with her friend and tell her dad what great support they both are. OOP Sarah's not mad at me fortunately! We actually had a call just before I made this update, but I can tell she was holding back the urge to say she told me so. And to be fair, she did tell me so! ~ Pooky582 I'm sorry it had to happen, but I am relieved this is the outcome. I hope you find someone a million times better. Also, I love your dad. He sounds like a great husband and a great father. OOP My dad's amazing and he and my mom are still so crazy about each other. They've always been marriage goals for me. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/luvthyf_ingneighbor Originally posted to r/EntitledKarens My Neighbor Demands I Marry His Son Trigger Warnings: homophobia, cancer, destruction of property Original Post: August 22, 2024 This is a weird one, and I don't reddit normally, so sorry. My GF told me to post here, lol Okay, so I "Zennia" F35, inherited my Pop's (my grandfather) house. Well, technically, me and mom did. Mom is a college professor and remarried to a technical writer/engineer who makes a ridiculous amount of money and a big Ole mansion of a house (to me) in the well-off part of town. So she said Pops house is mine. I was grateful and am still. This was about a year ago. I need to sort of set the stage here. Pop was a popular man. He helped everyone. The kids all called him Uncle or Pops, and his peers called him the Sultan of 2nd Street (never knew why they went with Sultan, other than illeration, since he was black lol). He donated and loaned and gave money to whomever needed it. He was a Vietnam War vet, and despite the stigma of it at the time and that of being a black man, he made something of himself as boxer and boxing instructor. He opened his own place and eventually opened more. When mom was small, he bought that house, and when mom got pregnant with me and my father flaked out, Pops became that father figure. My childhood bedroom is in this house (it's now my study) and so everyone here knows us. Pop passed, and I got the house. All caught up? Okay, so there is a neighbor to my immediate right, who we call Sugah Mama or Sugah. Everyone knew that she had it bad for Pops but see after he left Mama (my grandmother) or more likely . She left him, he chose the bachelor/Playa life. Yeah, he got around. It's still debatable if the woman who owns the house is on the 3rd, if her son is my uncle. Anyway, Sugah has a son "Miles" (M50-something) who also has a son “James”. James is my age, and we get on well. We used to be joined at the hip in grade school, and even though we glowed into different cliques in middle and high school, we were friendly. Sugah and some of the other older folks would joke about us. Soulmates. We even share a birthday with a strange coincidence, I will admit, but then they keep adding AT THE SAME HOSPITAL! well, yeah, because back then, there was only one good one nearby. Lol Now, to be clear, I am bisexual with a strong preference if my dating history has any sway for nonbinary people or women. No shame in my game. I can talk about the absolute bullshit of homophobia in the black community, but you're not here for that. So I meet my now GF "Dinah" who is also my age and she is absolutely a dream. She's smart and hot and sweet and thoughtful and kind and a million other things. I have to stop there, or this post will be all about how out of my league she is. I started having her around the house, and Mr. Miles was around and offered his and James' help in getting stuff from the truck into the house. At one point, James pulled me aside as he knew she was my GF and said I shouldn't mention it to his dad, but it was too late. Mile had asked her if the two of us were college buddies, and she replied that we're dating. Mr. Miles pulls me aside after and asks if it's true, and I said yes. Enter the homophobia and what would Pop think? Lol, I told him, Pop knew I was bi for years. I came out to him in high school, and he was a-okay with it. That shut him up for a bit, and we got me moved in. Well, now about a week ago, Mr. Miles came by. I WFM, but the fiscal year is coming about, and it's a busy time, so I made Mr. Miles had some tea and sat with him but made him aware I was calling this my lunch hour and couldn't entertain long as I was still working. He said "well I will cut to the chase then," and said so matter of factly, "you need to leave that woman." I laughed as my GF and I have been together now for over a year and are happy, so... no. why the hell would he even come here with this? He said Sugah is sick (which I knew. She sadly got uterine and breast cancer in March) and she needs to see her boys married. He said he prefers I marry James, but IT WOULD BE OKAY with him if I marry his older brothers Daniel (36) or Paul (37). I told him yeah no. I won't be marrying any of his sons. I said I already have a ring for Dinah and am planning to propose to and marry her. I said I know he doesn't agree with gay marriage, and he frankly doesn't have to. It's my life, and while I love and respect him like a real uncle, he will not tell me who to love or marry. He yelled at me and said some awful things, and I wanted to say I was a badass and stared him down like Gayle King did to R Kelly in the meme but...I cried. A lot. I just asked him to please leave. He did but ripped my pride flag from my pole at the door, calling me slur. I got a new one the next day, and it went missing, so my GF bought me a door cam and a new flag. Sure enough, he came that night and ripped that one down, too. I texted him the video and said I would not press charges if he stopped all this. He said to go ahead, "call the police on another black man," and if he's killed, it's on me and my "sins." It's night here and I was cuddled up to my boo after a movie date night and were playing Mass Effect (video game) - ASIDE but can you beleive this woman has never HEARD of this game!? - and there is knock at my door. It's Paul. He asks to speak with me outside, so I tell Dinah to keep playing, and I will be back. I don't see Paul often, so I thought something happened - maybe Sugah got worse or something happened to his dad. Paul explained that he was here to ask me out. He had flowers and a stuffed unicorn (I like unicorns don't read into it lol), and I, of course, told him ummmmm, I am in a relationship." He said he knew I had a GF but that wasn't a real relationship as a relationship is between a man and a woman and he knows I date men as I've dated a male mutual friend in my 20s. I just said my relationship is both real and none of his business and to leave. He then said he guessed I liked feminine men since my GF is trans - which OK bud she's not, but even if she was, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HOTTIE. So I just laughed it off snd said he was jealous he couldn't pull a hottie like mine and said I have cameras with audio so if he can please fuck all the way off and not force me and my GF to call the cops, it would be appreciated. I told Dinah, who howled in laughter and paused the game to watch the doorcam footage, laughed more, and then told me to post here. So here we are. Sorry? You're welcome? Idk. Relevant Comments OOP needs to take extra precautions for herself and her partner OOP: My mom agrees with you. She's pushing for us to stay with her for a spell. Dad said he bought extra cameras and lights on Amazon and can sinatll them tonight. They are acting like a cross is burning on the lawn and my GF doesn't think they are overreacting at all. This is the South in the USA and GF is a retired Marine so...she's got her 2nd amendment right and the papers for it so I feel okay as long as she is with me... That said if she were hurt I would hate myself for not listening so we're in her care right now going to my parents and daddy is on his way to my house to put in the cameras and lights. Sadly I am used to folk telling me they can "fix" me somehow or that sleeping with a man will "fix" me etc. Mr. Miles ain't the first bigot but he damn well is the most dedicated. Mom talked with Sugah and Sugah is horrified and said she will put up a rainbow flag at her house and see if "that boy got the balls to rip it down from my damn house" Gotta love her.   Update #1: August 27, 2024 Howdy. Y'all might not remember but I'm that bi chick madly I'm love with my smokin brilliant GF and living beside my homophobic neighbor. Heres the post I'm updating - https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledKarens/s/67P8SoK3Ao So a few days ago I shared about Mr. Miles losing his ever-loving mind about me having a GF and basically put his son up to come over, demean my relationship, and ask me out cuz that's suuuuuuuuuch a great plan /s For safety, given Mr. Miles losing all the sense the good lord gave him, GF and I stayed up at my folks and just got back yesterday evening. My dad double checked all the new lights and cameras and then walked over to "have a friendly chat" with Mr. Miles. Not sure what he said but it had to be good because Mr. Miles didn't even sit on his porch to smoke his nightly cigar. And if you knew that man the way I do you know that's not in character. I asked Daddy what he said to the poor man and he laughed and said "Oh, Baby, definitely nothing that would remind him of our good and mighty God or offering to send him to Him." Sooooooooo Sorry I digress. So I expected everything to be okay - because I'm stupid - and thus went back to life per usual. I ran my GF's bath, jumped her bones, and woke up to make her breakfast thinking my life is some kind of wonderful. Only to hear a knock at the door. Today is Monday. Everyone who works is off to work and everyone who doesn't knows I WFH on weekdays. Something didn't feel right so I woke my Love up and told her to get dressed just in case something was about to happen. I'm no warrior but I did have my bat and opened the door and made eye contact with a cop. We stare at each other. He looks down at my bat, then back to my face, then turns showing the cop behind him and looks at her. And I am here thinking well SHIT this is what I get for assuming this all would blow over. I will admit, I am not everyone's cup of tea so I use humor to compensate for being...well a weirdo lol don't know how else to put it. So I grin at the cops and ignore my heart racing and place the bat down and just say "Sorry I thought you were someone else. Coffee?" They...weren't amused and apparently didn't want coffee either. Who was I expecting and why a bat? I just said I wasn't sure, but we're two women alone in a house with someone at the door at the ass Crack of dawn so.... They asked for me by name and I confirmed I was who I was, even showed my ID. They asked me for my GF as they got a call. GF comes out and shows her ID. They ask to speak to us separately and I was getting upset. "Whats this about, sir?" The cop looked at me really annoyed, then looked at my GF and asked if she felt safe with me, to which she said she did. He said he needs to investigate a call. I ask what call. He says he's the one asking questions and all I could think was greeeeeat he's that type of cop. He tried to step inside but we were speaking through a screen door which I locked last night and it was then he actually asked if he could come in. I said no, sir. My GF said she will step out with him to answer any questions and she does and the female cop takes her a distance away and talk. The male cop opens the now unlocked door and peers in my house asking if he can have a look around. I ask again what all this is about. He asks me questions. All centering around why anyone might think I am holding my GF here against her will. I was like what do you mean against her will? He says her BF called and said I took her forcefully and kept her here overnight. To which I reply, what fucking BF? She's a lesbian and gay as the day is long. At this point GF and female cop come back and GF looks mad. She points at Sugah's house and asks if thats where the call came from and outline everything that's basically in my last post. GF then goes, "show them the videos", so I hand over my phone with the ring app pulled up with the footage of Mr. Miles yanking our pride flag down and using slurs. The cops were looking at one another and then back at Sugah/Mr. Miles' house. Mystery solved, I'm thinking. I'm not good in tense situations so I just Crack "Sure you don't want a coffee?" And GF whacked my arm. We did the whole song and dance, sending files, getting their cards, filing a complaint for the damage of my property on Mr. Miles' part, and then my GF said she wants to pressed harassment charges too. The male cop snorted "based on what?" And the female cop took over. She said without solid and consistent proof, they can't press charges of that nature. We ask about hate crimes and they said taking down a pride flag isn't a hate crime, it's destruction of property. Suddenly I can hear the guy cop saying "Sir, stay inside" and who else could it have been but dear old Mr. Miles - look at this old rooster up this early! Fuck. The old sour raisin is yelling for them to ask about me throwing around my GF last night. Cops aren't even listening to him, just telling him to go inside and he keeps repeating that i was brutilizing her last night (Which the creepy bits aside about him knowing anything about last night, I want to take as one HELLUVA compliment). The cops yell for him to go inside or he will be in cuffs. He does and the female cop turns to me and I just blurted "If 'throwing around' is what we're calling sex now..." And my GF gave me a look like shut 👏 the FUCK 👏 up so I did. (It did get a laugh from the lady cop though). They told us to stay inside and we did but you better believe we minded everything but our business at that point. We watched through my study window as they went and spoke to Mr. Miles. There was a back and forth and I heard the cop say "turn around" and Mr. Miles was saying like "why are you hassling me, man? I didn't do nothing." So the cop got louder and said "Either turn around and I take you in or you go back in the house, sir." Mr. Miles was saying this ain't right but he went inside. The cops stayed on the porch for a few minutes more. Then they departed. Happy Monday. Relevant Comments Commenter: Wow. If you can afford it, I suggest consulting an attorney. Give them all the info and evidence of things to date, so they’ll be ready to help if this escalates. for example if you end up needing a restraining order or want to pursue that harassment charge that the cops didn’t want to deal with.   Update #2: August 31, 2024 This is slowly just becoming my little hobby of sharing what Mr. Miles and his family have been doing. After the police incident it was pretty quiet this week. Dinah, my GF, and I also have just been living quietly in general hoping the storm passed over. I can be such a damn fool sometimes. I thought it was all going to be fine. We have cameras, lights, Dinah made a (rainbow - cuz of course) no trespassing sign. She got mini pride flags and staked them in the front garden. Did I mention she gardens? She's literally a dream girl. Mr. Miles sort of went back to normal. He smoked his nightly cigars, washed his car, all the usual shit. Enter the HOA. I live in a community that, how can I say this? It's not the hood, but it ain't fancy. Lots of the people here are people of color and generational owners meaning their grandparents or great grandparents bought the house way back in the day and the owners inherited it. Nobody minds their business, but we let each other be as far as how we use the lawns and shit like that. It's very much a "stay in yo lane" situation. Guy shows up at the door. I'm not home, but Dinah is so this is what she described happened but I admit I "Zennia'd" some details for that extra oomf - Dinah has coined that phrase as according to her I allegedly add a flair to retellings. She opens the door with the chain on and this pleasant looking man is smiling at her so she assumes he is a salesman. She just asks if our no soliciting sign is there and is about to close the door at that but he said he's not selling anything, he's an officer with the HOA. Dinah hears the word officer and is cussing in every tongue she knows internally and just asks what he wants. He hands her a notice. Apparently we are in some sort of violation. Dinah's no pushover so she's rather unimpressed at this point and he is trying to explain "we noticed some violations-" and she asks point blank if what he's about to say is in the papers he gave her. He says yes, and she looks it over again. Hmmm...our rainbow shit? A violation. Oh no it's 7. 7 violations all related to our rainbow shit. Now Dinah's got a main suspect in who is behind all this and she is laughing in this man's face. He says he really doesn't want to fine us since they prefer to laid back. But this is causing complaints. So I get home and she's out back painting...nothing off about that. She likes creative DIY stuff so I just let her know I'm home and there's a box. I assumed it was for her because she freaking LOVES Amazon. She comes in and shows me what she's working on. Rocks, signs, a set of garden pots you name it, she has rainbowed it and I just sigh and go "What did that man do now?" And she tells me about HOA. I was like "we have an HOA?" And she hands me the papers. I called the number and the voicemail prompt checks out that it is an HOA. I've been the owner of the house for over a year. So its news to me. But I'm also first-time homeowner and I've been wrong before. I had and have a million questions. Like dont we get billed for it or something if we're part of HOA housing?? Then I noted that all the issues they are threatening to fine are accompanied by grainy photos of said items and they are all our rainbow stuff. I realize that Dinah is two steps off scorched earth (it takes a lot to get her there but baby look OUT when she arrives at that destination) the sign being that she is about to rainbow the whole damn house. I asked her her intentions and she just shrugs and says "Oh I thought they didn't get the asthetic so I'm helping complete your vision" (HOW IS THIS MY FAULT NOW!???? lol) and I'm like oooooh sweet baby Jesus, I don't have the financials to say fuck you if they fine me to oblivion. We had something of a tiff about it (a tiff is a small little argument, but "argument" makes it sounds far more dire than it is) as she was camped in "F them especially" territory and I'm thinking of the possible consequences. I finally calm her down and she's starting to see my side of it. Guys, I fought the good fight, I really did, she was coming around, I was so close. So close to squashing this issue, calling it a night, play video games with my boo and go back to normal. BUT FUCKING NO because the goddamn box. The box wasn't addressed. It was just a box with a note that said it's a gift. They were flags. Not pride flags but like various sizes of the American flag. Dinah saw this and FLIPPED the fuck out. She's walking around the house cussing in more than one language. And I'm there in F my life mode knowing damn well we're a step closer to scorched earth. That was last night. She was still creating her DIY rainbow stuff when I went to bed. I'm not even going to try and sound like I want to attempt to think it's anyone else up to this bullsshittery for obvious reasons - gestures broadly - but also because Mr. Miles smoked his nightly cigar and I don't know what he said to Dinah, who happened to be out there (yeah right, Baby, since when do you even like sitting outside at night...ALONE) and she is swearing up and down he all but admitted it BUT EVEN IF HE HADN'T she checked our camera and Mr. Miles's son seems to be taking photos of our home from the sidewalk. So now we know at least Paul has something to do with this too. Dinah's not back from work yet, and I WFH so I'm basically just waiting for the other show to drop because now my GF has gone full gollum and God help anyone who tries to stop whatever it is she is thinking about doing. It's like trying to stick your foot out to stop a bullet train. Not gonna happen and damn painful. I'll update when the other shoe drops. PS: Our complaint to the police after my last update is still being "investigated" and not to be any sort of way but I don't expect much from it. Fingers crossed though. Pray for me y'all. PPS: Also sorry for all the cussing. This has put us both in a STATE and I have a pretty foul mouth. Edit: Just called my mom because she generally knows all lol she said that while she isn't 100% about the now as it's hard to recall so randomly while she's working, she knows for a fact there wasn't one when Pop owned the house. I'm going through the paperwork now because I can't let his go. Relevant Comments OOP should had the documents regarding this suspecting HOA OOP: I don't remember any mention of it, but also at the time I was not in the best state mentally for various reasons, including the death of my grandfather - which is why I inherited the house. I do remember a LOT of paperwork, that said. I will ask my mom if she recalls anything as she was there helping me. + I'll have to go through them. The phone number checked out because the voicemail prompt sounded legit, but the email is a generic one (think like yahoo or something). I can't even wrap my brain around how he would even be able to fake this, but after all the shit happening thus far, I am not far off believing it possible.   Update #3: September 1, 2024 This shit is going to make me into some gossip columnist or something because what I am about to share is fucking WILD. HOUSECLEANING FIRST since my last post had so much going on. The police, after many calls from my GF Dinah, have basically said that our case doesn't constitute harassment and there is no evidence of anything more (ummm video??) but only destruction of property. They said its largely a civil matter and thus should be handled I'm civil court rather than criminal. Best beleive Dinah is not about to let this go. As for the HOA. We. Dont. Have. One. And by "we," I mean my street. Miles lives on the corner house, so he's on a technically different street. We checked and double-checked, and Dinah helped me sort through some paperwork for good measure. Nope. My street never had one and never signed on for one. Dinah was DELIGHTED by this. I mean, that hot hellion put all her rainbow projects out and then started talking about rainbowing the HOUSE. Like, the whole damn house. She wants to make it a project and for all to call our queer pals together and rainbow paint the exterior, including the garage doors and driveway lol. I...said we should start small, and we agreed that she can paint our front and back porches first and she found cute lights to shine on the house that can project rainbows so we have to check with our other neighbors but I said if they are fine with it, fine, hun. And now ladies, gentlemen, nonbinary monarchs and all, I present to you, the fuckery. Mr. Miles saw me washing my Love's car for her. It was just a thing I wanted to do for her. Not a normal thing I do at all. But she's been stressed, so I was going for the "hot girl washing cars" thing in part to be cute and silly and was in swimwear. She was calling to me from the upstairs window, whistling and stuff. I laughed. My other neighbors laughed. Mr. Miles came out with a mug of whatever the fuck evil drinks (blood of the innocent? Puppy broth? Who knows. Maybe just shitty coffee) and was glaring at us, scoffing when she would come out on our porch with her tea to "enjoy the show" - let me be clear, we were not being lewd or anything. She was saying shit like "What are your rates? My car has never been so beautiful. I'll pay you double" it's cheesy shit couples around here say all the time. Maybe the worst thing she said that maybe was less for public consumption was admittably my favorite thing: "Hey good looking, what am I cookin? I WILL MAME IT HOT for you" implying she will make dinner. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Dinah is the BEST cook but generally doesn't take that on regularly, so her offering was heaven for me. Mr. Miles would ahem loudly, shake his head, do that indignant laugh older folks do, everything so we knew he disapproved and was in the audience. So we ignored him. And I definitely didn't defiantly stay out longer, flirting with my woman to piss him off...solely. Anyway, Mr. Miles was too much of a coward, so sent Paul again. I was done with the car and Dinah made me a cool cocktail (where we live outdoor shit in the summer is done nice and early before the sun gets too high, so it was hotter than Satan's ass out) and we sat near the fan enjoying just chatting. Mr. Miles had long gone inside anyway, and this is our home. Fuck him. We're going to enjoy it. Paul waved as he walked towards us and Dinah said her favorite curses under her breath. He made some small talk with us but Dinah was frosty with him, so I did most of the answers but even I was short. But this is the South, so politeness is a bitch. Hard to explain. He said he was concerned about our cameras because it looks like they cover the yards of others and there are kids here and "you know what that can look like". I will blame the cocktail but I was feeling like fucking with him, so I acting dumb. "What will it look like?" And he was all "you know what I mean" and I was like "nah what do you mean, Mr. Paul?" And that went on for a bit and he just stared at me and did a condescending chuckle and shook his head "well we'll see about what everyone thinks- just trying to be helpful given.." And he gestures at nothing in particular. I smile as sweet as pie and thank him for coming by but the cameras don't seem to bother anyone but I wil ask around. He told me to do that and walked off. We had been putting it off but this spurred Dinah to look into Mr. HOA. He's legit. An officer of the HOA on the street the other end of Mr. Miles's/Sugah's house. But Sugah has been in the hospital for surgery and won't be back for at least a few days. She has a daughter I keep tabs with who has been in town to help care for her. When I talked to my own mother, she sounded annoyed about the situation as a whole and ask if I would mind if she herself had a discussion with Miles. She grew up with him so I said that was up to her. She said "Great!" In that way that I knew she would be calling him. This morning, Daniel, the other son, caught me as I brought out the trashcans. I was surprised because he doesn't live there, so I don't often see him. Small talk blah blah blah, and then he gets close and says that he's sorry about the whole thing with his dad, but I should be warned that he got into quite mood after talking with my parents (I assume mom) and to tread lightly. I thanked him and went back in to tell Dinah. Dinah was in the nook (like a half room bay window situation where Pop used to smoke) and she had gift stuff out like gift bags and ribbon. I was trying to figure if I had forgotten a birthday or something and she just giggled and told me to come here. Rainbow flags. A lot of mini ones. Stuffed in a bright gift bag. I just looked at her like "Baby nooooooo" and she just shrugged saying she was the newbie here and wanted to be a good neihbor. To her credit there are more than one gift bags and she is dropping them off as I write to every house on the street but I know my GF. This is an F you too to Miles. She said to ask my internet friends (you and a Facebook group I've been sharing this with) for ideas of how to "spruce up the place" now that we know there are no HOA restrictions while she's out. So this is an update and also a plea, for the love of God please don't give her too many crazy ideas. Give us some fun ones - I am all for painting rocks and patios and shit, but I still gotta live here ya know? Anways, have a good long weekend if you're in the states. I still have a BBQ to plan. Edit: I just spoke to my mother video chat. Mom and Dinah have now sync'd energies. Help. Me. Mom said she talked to Daddy and they are wanting to pay for at least 2,000 USD to "spruce up the place" - Dinah is over the moon, has taken the device and is still talking with Mom now. God help us all lol   Update #4: September 7, 2024 Well the Mr. Miles saga continues so to pick up from my last post, the BBQ happened. It was fun. Had my parents and chosen family over (open invite to my community so some neighbors too) and Dinah's twin even came and by twin I mean they're not actually twins (image THAT much hotness doubled. Lawd.) But siblings born on the same day a few years apart. For this I will call him David (M30s...? Idk I never remember). David is also as gay as the day is long and has heard of all the shit Mr. Miles has been putting on. Actually ever single person at the BBQ knew. It was a topic I couldn't escape. Dinah was serving vodka mixed drinks and you can image what 3 queerdos can come up with after a few dranks. David loudly announced "PAINTING PARTYYYYYY" as Dinah went and found every bit of paint we own. Before I could even work through my vodka-indused brain fog, people were painting...EVERYTHING. the porch, my chairs, damn near every rock around my trees and all the raised garden beds. Now my backyard looks like a gay unicorn had projectile diaherea and shat rainbows. I like it. We played Lily Allen "Fuck You" and other gay ass songs, sang along, there are rainbow flags inside and outside my home at every window, in the garden, between my pumpkins (THEY PAINTED HALF MY PUMPKINS) - this is not a euphemism, both cars have those mini flags that stay when you close the window. It was insanity. Aaaaand the police arrived. They got a call about a disturbance from a neighbor and we all knew damn well which (my whole street of neighborswere literally right there except him). A quick aside here but it's not illegal to play loud music during thr day here. Just after like 8 or 9 or something. So no laws were being broken. The cops even admitted that. But they suggested we "just keep it down" - we thanked them, and didn't. It was a fun evening. My mom waited until everyone else left and she and Daddy were drinking my best wine, just LOVING this chaos, singing Dinah's praises, gushing over how she's designed the interior of this old house (she did really well I have to admit). It's updated in here and just brighter and fresher. There was a knock on the door and Mom got it. Mr. Miles stepped in with Paul and Daniel in tow. My southern-politeness brain shit the bed, so I audibly groaned at the sight of him. Dinah came back from the kitchen, saw him, crossed through the whole ass room and planted a kiss right on my lips as she handed me a fresh drink and sat right on my lap like a housewife. Mr. Miles asked for a drink. Dinah told him everything is out and in the kitchen basically to say "fuck you get your own" in Nice. His sons went to make him a drink and I politely asked what he needed. He said he wanted to have a take with me, alone. Mom said "And what do you need with my daughter, Miles?" And he said that that was between him and me. I said I was drunk and tired so it will have to wait until morning. He had his drink, made some passive aggressive comments, wished us a good evening, and said he will come by later. Mom walked him out. He did. The very next day. And sure enough I was alone. Sugah isn't doing well. She's not responding to treatment. They're planning for the worst. I was devestated to hear this. She's like our neighborhood mom. I've known her all my life - she's practically family. So I started to cry. He was being so nice to me, handing me a napkin, speaking to me softly, rubbing my back and telling me to let it all out. So I did. And then right when I was able to catch my breath and calm down he said he wanted to tell me in person. I told him that was appreciated and I was so sorry for his family. He said "I know. Thanks. Thats another reason I wanted us to chat like adults. I know that woman you live with doesn't like me much." And I laughed without meaning to. Not like him? She would piss on his grave and stomp the dirt down to the tune of "hit the road jack" should the chance arrive. And if she weren't fit for prison, she'd give herself that chance with her own bare hands. Mr. Miles is still being nice and says that he knows I am the reasonable one. And that we had our fun but this tantrum of ours needs to end. Sugah will be coming home to live out her time and he doesn't want her to see our "mess" of a yard. He said it would upset her and he knows I don't want to ever upset her. I will be honest, I was so in my feelings over the news that he almost sounded reasonable to me. Then he offered to have Paul come over snd "help me" make my home presentable again and my brain kicked back in. I stared at this man, who just used the worst possible news a child could share about a parent as a tactic, and the spirit of Dinah came upon me. I very coldly told him to leave, as I have decorating to do. I think he thought I meant to tear everything down, because he left without a fuss. I told Dinah the moment she got home. At this point, her patience was up. She stormed out of the house and for a moment I was like "oh God honey don't do it, I don't even know where the jail is." And she came back in with bags. She had been shopping apparently and THIS PART IS ENTIRELY YALLS FAULT. She found SO MANY items. INCLUDING colorful windchimes. She just held up a few things and asked me to help her unload the rest and I was like "REST!?" So we spent the whole night decorating the front porch. I will fucking marry this crazy ass woman lol This past Wednesday, Sugah got home. I rushed out to hug her and she hugged me back. It was one of those "mama" hugs that make you want to laugh and cry and let everything out. She held my hand tight and looked at our porch. Then she laughed and said "Damn girl, you really leaned in huh?" Then said something was missing. I asked her what and she said my flag. The big one I had in the front. I told her what Miles did to it and a storm went over her whole face. She got quiet and asked me to explain I said she should rest and it's a long story. She turned to tell her daughter (who drove her) to make some lemonade and that she was going to sit with me on my porch a while. So I told her everything basically in all my posts including Miles' recent visit. She kept her expression steely the whole time. She asked a lot of questions. Then asked me if she ever told me about her first love. I thought she meant Mr. Richard, Miles' late father, and she laughed. She told me a story about how when she was young, before Richard ever asked her out, there was a woman her age who always dressed in suits, which for the time was not considered okay or normal. People hated her but Sugah fell for her almost instantly. She said Dinah reminds her of her and that I seem really happy now that Dinah has moved in. Then she looked at me so serious and said "So are you?" And I went inside to show her the ring I had long bought and that I am going to marry that woman if she'll have me. She smiled and patted my cheek, kissed my hand and went home. Yesterday my Daddy called and said "Heya what's this about a wedding?" And I was like what? And he said that he's not supposed to be telling me this so don't tell Mom but she and Sugah had a long phone call and Sugah wanted to pay for my wedding. Not some of it. The whole damn thing. This is already long sorry, I swear I am skipping a lot here but I was obviously floored. There's paperwork involved and mom is working with Sugah on it and Daddy said "Well, I guess you gotta ask that woman to marry you." And I said I intended to. So I am writing this antsy as fuck, ring in pocket, dressed up, waiting for Dinah to come home from the salon so we can have date night. Mr. Miles is about to have a complete caniption. Wish me luck. Edit/update: Hey guys- so I'm sad to say she said no. It was a lot to- I'm fucking with you. She said yes! Y'all I am going to marry the most amazing, smart, strong, hilarious, crazy, loving, beautiful woman in this GODDAMN world and I cannot fucking stand to keep it to myself!!! We had such an incredible time. She came home and was already dressed, so we went out. It was my turn to plan date night, so I was at an advantage. I took her to a place that was like the restaurant pur first date was in (sadly, the original is no more) and we shared stories about that date (I was nervous and word vomited like an overfed baby - she found me charming), we then retraced a walk we had when I first told her I loved her. She had claimed up at it and skirted saying it back, but now she tells me every fucking day multiple times a day even when she's pissed at me. We then ended at our city aquarium - hey quick trivia, I was once a "professional mermiad" there. You read that right. Chloe eat your heart out) - where she "stalked me" just to ask if we are real (not just a fun summer fling) and to go steady. I took her to our favorite bar for karaoke, got down on my knee, and she stared at me and just went "shut the FUCK up are you proposing to me?" And before I even knew it, she pulled out a ring and we just laughed and kissed. We wanted to update you the good news. I'm up to sing "At Last" for karaoke so gotta be on my toes to serenade my fiance. Fuck me you guys I just said fiance. I have a fucking fiance. Me! With her! I'm so fucking dumb happy right now. Sorry. Rambling. Love you all so much. I love everything right now.   EDITOR'S NOTE: It has been brought to my attention regarding this BoRU not formatting correctly with the missing letters at each paragraph. I have cleared the possible issue with the moderators of the sub. Many of you might be dealing with glitches. I posted this from desktop and wasn't missing anything. My apologies to all. Thank you.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ThrowRA_wifekiss. He posted in r/relationship_advice and his own page. Previous BORU is here. New Updates marked with *****. I had to remove some of the relevant comments for word count. Thanks to u/Creepy_Addict for letting me know about the updates. Do NOT COMMENT on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This is a LONG post. Trigger Warnings: abuse; infidelity; child abandonment Original Post: March 19, 2024 Sorry if the title doesn’t make much sense I didn’t know how to word it. Also on throwaway as I don’t want this on my main. Bit of context. We’ve been together since we were 18. Never had a great sex lift after the first year. Maybe once or twice a year at most since then but at the minute it’s going on three years and although it bothers me I love her and I love our kids so I’m not going to make a big deal out of it. I know plenty of friends in the same situation. Another bit of context is that I’ve always been mildly overweight but always fit as I played a lot of sports until about ten years ago when I got really ill and a mixtures of meds and comfort eating made me balloon up to nearly 300 pounds. Well two years ago I decided to do something about, I’m now around 200 which at 6’2 is the lightest I’ve been as an adult and I’ve actually enjoyed using weights and for the first time in my life have a bit of abs and some muscle. My wife having always been far hotter is pretty obvious insecure about the fact that for the first time we’ve been together women are starting to look at me and message me on my baking pages on social media. For the record I’ve never even looked at another woman in that way. On to the night in question. My wife went out with some friends, a mix of single and in a relationship. She looked stunning and I told her so, I even updated my phone homescreen to that picture of her lol. One of the friends she was out with messaged me about three months and the gist was she knows I get no sex, my wife doesn’t realise how lucky she is and basically do I want to hook up. I obviously instantly take a screenshot and send it to my wife. Around 4am my wife gets home and she wakes me up as she gets in to bed. I’m half awake but can tell something is wrong and ask what the matter is. She doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and as I go to grab her hand she pulls away. I ask if she wants me to get her a drink and she says no. Then she just blurts it out and says “I met a guy tonight he kissed me. I didn’t kiss back at first then I did. Then for the next half hour we were dancing and constantly kissing”. She kept saying sorry and begging me not to leave her. My honest first reaction was “so what it’s only kissing and dancing” I didn’t say that I just hugged her and tried to calm her down. An hour or so later once I got the right words in my head I said “I know you feel really guilty but please don’t I’m not going to leave you and break up our family over some kissing and dancing and I don’t love you any less than I did yesterday and this isn’t something that’s going to grow and cause and resentment”. More or less right on cue my phone goes off and it’s that friend of hers with a picture and a video of what my wife was doing. This set my wife off again but my feelings still haven’t changed and a month later that remains the case. In that month since then my wife has accused me of not loving her because I didn’t care, she’s accused me of kissing other people and more which is why I didn’t care as I was covering up my own indiscretions and she’s accused me of being gay multiple times which doesn’t make sense. She keeps asking me why I haven’t initiated anything with her even though in the past she’s told me she hates being touched and not to ever try it on with her which I have respected. She’s basically projecting and it’s annoying me as it’s putting a strain on us which she is 100% causing. How do I get through to her that she needs to stop feeling guilty and just move on because I have as it’s not a big deal? I was genuinely more annoyed when she broke my baking bowl and tried to blame it on the cat lol. Tldr: wife kissed another man. I don’t care and now she’s causing problems because she’s guilty and projecting. How do I stop this? Edit: hi all just wanted to say thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me I really do appreciate it and I’m overwhelmed you all took the time. I keep getting asked a few questions so thought I’d address them here. Over the years we have been to a few different couples counsellors and sex therapist the latest being last September for both. My wife always feels like she’s being victimised by them and we stop going. Nearly all have said though they think she is asexual and two even saying she is displaying a lot of signs of being a closeted lesbian which I have brought up to her before and she is adamant she’s not. On that note I’ve had a lot of messages saying she wants to feel wanted and for me to be more forward with her. This is not true. In all our sessions she said she doesn’t want me trying it on with her she doesn’t even want me to initiate hugs and just bringing up sex makes her feel under pressure. She let me, and our therapists, know that if she ever sex without her initiating it will be no more than pity sex. As for people saying I don’t love her. I buy her flowers every Friday on the way home from work, I bake her her favourite cookies or cupcakes every weekend, i send her voice notes of songs I’m listening to that remind me of her, I tell her I love her everyday, I run her a bath every night. This isn’t me showing off this is how I was brought up to show love for those saying I must’ve been brought up in an unloving home. People have said that I’d I don’t get jealous I don’t love her. If she told me she was having an emotional affair, she spent hours on the phone with someone else laughing and joking, she snuggled on a sofa eating chocolates and watching tv with someone, etc I’d be devastated. A dance and a kiss isn’t a big deal to me and not even close to divorce. Thank you all again for reading xx Second edit: sorry for these. It’s 7am in the morning here now the day after I posted this. Been talking to my wife since 6 and said she’s got a week to agree to go back to couples counselling and she’s got to stick it out this time and not just accuse them of taking sides and refuse to go back. She said no. She said they all bully her and make her out to be the bad guy. She said I went back on my word that I forgive her and won’t resent her. I said this isn’t about the kiss it’s about her reaction since the kiss and that it feels like she’s purposely trying to drive me away and make me leave her. She just got up and stormed out the room. She then got dressed and said she’s going out until I go to work. Relevant Comments: Commenter: She's trying to sabotage the relationship and she's getting mad that you won't let her OOP: That’s the conclusions I’m heartbreakingly coming to. This hurts infinitely more than seeing her kiss someone else. Commenter: Did it ever occur to you that she wants you to be jealous and to fight for her. Blowing it off and being nonchalant about it makes feel like you don't care about other men hitting on her. All she wants of for you to get jealous about what happened because of you don't it's gong to escalate from kissing to an affair, just to get your attention and reaction. OOP: Well if she’s playing them sort of games then I will leave her. That’s what teenagers do not adults in their 40s Commenter: Others have said the same: but you both need to have a grown up conversation to understand what is really going on here. Is the relationship working, do you both remain committed, and do you see a future together. If so, couples counselling is the only way to go. You can't fix it here. If not, then divorce - do it as kindly as possible - but do it quickly. No point dragging something out which is destined to fail. OOP: I’m happy to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her and my kids and the life we have. Would I like more sex? Yes but we’ve been to the doctors, we’ve been to sex counsellors and they’ve found mo problems it’s just who she is and I’m happy to live with that if it means I get to be with her and the kids. Commenter: First, Her friend who has the hots for you is in her ear.Second, maybe you need to take a look at your relationship and rekindle the romance. Maybe that’s what she needs. I mean why would her ‘friend’ know about it? You guys are maybe acting like old married couples? And you are too young for that OOP: I try and be romantic. I buy her flowers every Friday on my way home from work, I bake her favourite snacks every weekend, even stupid little things like giving her the dinner that looks most presentable on the plate, on cold mornings I’ll get out of bed early to warm her car up and defrost it before she drives to work. On the physical side I always tell her how beautiful she is, how hot she looks because she fucking is, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I wouldn’t change anything at all about her, she couldn’t be more perfect to me.I just don’t know what more I can do and this is what her friend said to me. The message she sent me was so long and it seems like she knows an awful lot and she also sees it herself. There was one bit I keep thinking back to when she said she was round ours and I’d made my wife a homemade card and wrote a poem in it and when I left the room she said my wife made a gagging face to her friend and started laughing. I can remember hearing a noise and then laughter and I thought she’d just choked on her drink. That hurts me infinitely more than a kiss and a dance. If she's not attracted to men: I have asked her this numerous times throughout the marriage and even suggested if she wanted to explore that side of herself then she could to try and find herself and be who she really is. She’s always batted it away and said she’s not a lesbian she just has a low sex drive. This has always been my thought over the years and I have brought it up to her privately, in couples counselling and in sex therapy. The sex therapist also said she’s giving a lot of signs of being a closeted lesbian as well. How did you have kids if you have sex once a year? Both times we tried for kids she got pregnant pretty much instantly, first one within a month second one within two months. We’d have sex everyday but no foreplay or anything unfortunately. Update Post: March 31, 2024 (12 days later) Bit of an update to my previous post here https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/jdFCfUhFT4. It’s been nearly two weeks since I made the post and the short update is that we are getting divorced. I said in my last post I told her I wanted us to go back to couples counselling and sex therapy. She said no to both as we went before and she felt bullied. She said at sex therapy that unless she initiates touching, not just sex any touching like hugs or hand holding, it will be against her will and will be forced/pity affection from her. The sex therapist said that’s very unreasonable and that’s why she felt bullied there. I tried to ask her a few questions too: Are you a lesbian or at least bi? Don’t be stupid. Are you asexual? I’m not a teenager with a stupid label What did he have I don’t? Nothing I just wanted to do it. Why don’t you ever want to do that with me? Don’t know What can I do to make you want to do that to me? Don’t know Do you want me to take the initiative and try it on with you more? Fuck no I’ll tell you when I want it don’t guess. So she refused the therapy and gave me no straight answers, she has also said I’ve gone back on my word about not letting the kiss split us up because now it is. I said it’s not the kiss it’s your behaviour since then that has caused me to want to divorce. She said as it’s my decision to divorce and it’s all my fault then I should be the one to tell out kids and she will have no part of it. That was hard. As soon as they were told my wife left for her sisters and in the three days since I haven’t heard anything from her. I’ve tried speaking to her about the kids as they miss her but she reads my messages and ignores me. A lot of people asked about the friend and why they still talk after she tried it on with me. How I understand it is my wife tried to get the friend group to cut the friend out but they all pretty much refused and so my wife just chose to ignore her in group settings. On the night in question the friend approached my wife and told her if she didn’t tell me she would send me the video. So my wife didn’t tell me because she felt guilty but because she was forced. I’ve also spoke to a couple of other friends in the group and asked what’s been going on I’m not privy too. Apparently my wife was sexting her friends boyfriend a couple of years ago. My wife has also been boasting about how she has me under the thumb and she gets away with giving me nothing and I’m too scared to ask. The friend apparently saw me out shopping one day and decided I was now “more fuckable” and thought she’d try and exact some revenge on my wife. So she didn’t really want me i was just a pawn in this weird friend groups one of many internal beefs with each other which I’ve found out about in the last few days. Basically they all seem to hate each other and mess with each other’s partners. I’ll be honest now and I feel incredibly guilty about it but when she left my body and soul seemed to take a massive sigh of relief. It was like a black cloud that was dripping eggshells on the floor for me to constantly avoid has gone. I feel terrible for feeling this way but I feel like I’m my 6’2 height now rather a brow beaten 3 foot who was scared to even say anything for fear of being told I’m wrong or insulted or ridiculed. It’s like the blinkers have been taken off. Spent the day today baking with my kids, eating easter eggs and watching cartoons and I haven’t stopped smiling all day. I haven’t winced or broke out in a sweat worrying I’m about to be told off about being too noisy or watching the wrong thing on tv or there’s a wrapper on the floor etc. Thank you everyone for your support on my last post. I appreciate you all xx Tldr: we are divorcing. Relevant Comments: Commenter: You sound like a good person who just wanted to save your marriage. Glad you now realise no woman is worth being treated like you've been treated. It will be a rough time for a while but you're gonna come out of this stronger. And never date or marry cold, basic women again! OOP: It is rough and I do feel like a failure for not being enough for her but at the same time I genuinely feel two foot taller and 100 pounds lighter since she left it’s a really weird feeling. I now know I’d rather live alone under a bridge than in a household like that again. Commenter: You didn't fail her, you failed yourself by believing all this toxic, abusive shit she was feeding you. And that's understandable, abuse creeps up on you until it's under your skin. It sounds like she had you convinced you could do nothing right. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and honesty. These things cost absolutely nothing, they're baseline standards for human interaction... at least if you're dealing with decent people. OOP: That’s exactly how it was, I was scared to even offer an opinion on something and I still am now, my kids asked yesterday what film I wanted to watch and I found myself scared to give an answer thinking whatever I chose would be rejected and I’d be ridiculed. Commenter: She doesn’t want to take responsibility and is trying to manipulate you into the bad guy. You want to improve the situation and improve yourself from outside help. She wants the status quo to remain and is blaming the medical professionals for making her confront the way she treats you. Covert narcissists. Look it up so you don’t fall into that trap again. It may suck now, but your sanity should come back to you. You’ve been living in her mind games for a long time. OOP: She is 100% making me the bad guy. I’m not on social media but keep hearing about posts saying things like “you give your life to someone only for them to drop you when your halo slips a bit” whatever lol. Commenter: Dude. Look up covert narcissistic. She caused all the problems, you tried to fix them but it was never enough or correct for her. OOP: That’s what I’ve been thinking about the last few days, that everything wrong in her life has been traced back to me and is my fault. From big things like I don’t earn enough money for her to live in the house she wants to little things like. She knocked her glass over and it’s my fault as I talked to her while she was watching something. If the kids are old enough, tell them she cheated: They are too young for that. I just told them that mummy and daddy have decided it’s best we don’t live together anymore and it’s something a lot of grown ups do but it’s not the kids faults and they are still loved and cherished by both of us. Post the video/proof: I’ve got that video and all the screenshots of her sexting her friends boyfriends and also there some screenshot of a WhatsApp group chat where she has been posting pics for strangers to comment on but it’s blatantly her as she has a tattoo under her boob which is unique to her. There also some other videos and pics of nights out which her friend group have sent me. Keep records- UK courts probably won't care as much about the cheating so much as the abandonment: Yeah agreed the courts don’t care it’s more for my own sake if she tries to twist it on me and say I left her for no reason and she did nothing wrong. I’m keeping a record of her not answering the phone to me or my eldest son and also how long it’s been since she left and that she left of her own accord and has chosen to not come back. Commenter: Update us when she realises the grass ain't greener. OOP: She’s been out nearly every night since she went to her sisters. I genuinely hope she does find some nice green grass and be happy. *****Mini Update Post 1: April 8, 2024 (1 week later)****\* Sorry for updating here, I’m only allowed to make one update on RA. Also want to thank everyone again for their concern and kindness they’ve shown me on my two posts and also thank you to everyone on BORU who made some lovely comments after my post was shared on there. Unfortunately the post was locked before I found out so I couldn’t thank you all personally. After my last update a lot of people commented and messaged me to say that am I sure my kids are mine. This thought never entered my head until I read what people said. Last Thursday I ordered a paternity test, sent it Friday and awaiting the results. At this point I don’t really care it won’t change my love for them but I’m terrified if they come back as not biologically mine I’ll lose them. Id discussed this with my lawyer last week who said if they aren’t mine it will be much much harder to get even any kind of custody. I told him if it comes to that then I’ll keep fighting until the end. Blood or no they are my boys. Speaking of the boys my stbx has seen them a couple of times with her mum, who is genuinely a nice person, and the kids have been fine. I can’t say the same about my baking equipment though. She came in to the house on Friday last week when she knew I was out and took a lot of it and purposely broke some bits she knew had sentimental value to me that came from my grandma and my mum. I can’t prove she did anything and she brought the stuff back on Sunday and said she just borrowed the items but I love baking and she is slowly ruining it for me. I’d already deleted my Instagram page because she was insecure about the women who followed me and this time she must’ve remembered I was making a cake for my nieces birthday and tried to sabotage it. I’ve made notes and screenshots of everything. As a lot of you rightly predicted she had also been cheating on me a lot although no evidence of it being physical yet from what I can tell. Her friend who is also in this WhatsApp group where women basically just post nudes and men comment (I still need to get the details of this group so I can finally get to see some boobs again lol) sent me a lot more screenshots of photos she’s taken, all round our house, blatantly her bedroom in some of them and one even stood against my car! Also a few of these friends are single and when they hook up with someone my wife will add the guy on Facebook and has basically been offering herself to them. One of the friends messaged one of the guys who still had the chats in his Facebook dms and sent the friend a load of screenshots to send to me. All in all I must have over 100 screenshots of stuff she’s been saying and sending to people and all of that is within the last couple of years so it probably goes on further. As for the divorce still in the early stages. One day I want to fight the next I just want to give her everything (materially, not the kids) and walk away and start again so I can get this finished and done. If you got any questions I’ll try to answer. It’s nearly midnight here but I’ll try to stay up lol Relevant Comment: OOP: I’ve already started recording our phone calls and on the couple of occasions I’ve seen her I’ve made sure there’s a witness. Feels so sad it’s come to this. Makes me want to just give her everything in a quick divorce and walk away. Mini Update Post 2: April 9, 2024 (Next Day) Title: Update: got the dna results and my sons are mine. Thank you for your support everyone x Mini Update Post 3: April 12, 2024 (3 days later) Title: It’s 6am nearly here. My ex wife has the kids last night and I’m drunk and lonely. First night I’ve had to myself in maybe 20 odd years and I didn’t know what to do. I thought about getting someone round so I could finally have some physical interaction. Instead I just sat on my own and drank for the first time in years too. Sorry for the boring post I’m just lonely and wanted some affection. Relevant Comments: Next Day: Thank you. My kids came back at 6 last night and they were pretty much in bed and asleep by 7. Got a day planned at a fair today and then an early night ready for school tomorrow. I just instantly feel better when they are back. Update Post 2: June 3, 2024 (about 2 months later, 2.5 from OG post) I have moved back to my hometown and given my ex the house. I know people won’t be happy with that but I just wanted a clean break and no ties to her or that city. The kids are with me and see their mum at weekends (provided I make the five hour round trip to drop them off on a Saturday morning and then make the same trip Sunday afternoon to pick them up 🙄). I know again people will say I’m doing what she wants but if it makes my kids happy it makes me happy. She seems ok with this arrangement although she has flaked twice already. Once the kids say they no longer want to go I won’t take them. The divorce is still going through but won’t be done for a few more months yet according to my lawyer. I’m baking a lot more now and loving it! Thank you everyone who has thought about me you are all so great xx Relevant Comment: I am therapy. It’s been a great help in making me realise my worth. Update Post 3: July 18, 2024 (1.5 months later, 4 from OG post) Title: My (41m) ex (41f) messaged me yesterday saying she no longer wants to see our two kids and is happy to “give them away” in our divorce. How to navigate mixed emotions of this? I posted on here a few months ago if you want to look at my profile send read them about my wife kissing another man on a night out despite not having had sex with me for years. I wasn’t bothered and was willing to ignore it and carry on but she kept making issues over it and eventually we split up. I moved back to my home city about two hours away and the kids came with me. My ex wife said it was too far for her to travel to have them at weekends so every Saturday morning I’ve been driving them up to her and then picking them back up Sunday evening so they got to see their mum. We’d make fun trips out of it and would take snacks, play audiobooks, have singalongs etc but I’d noticed they always seemed happier to be picked up than taken there. I just always assumed it was because all their stuff and their main home was with me. My ex has started to cancel these weekends a bit recently, 3 of the last 5 she’s cancelled. She started to say things like “they don’t like me anyway” and “you’ve poisoned them” which is not true I have NEVER said a bad about their mum to them or in front of them and never would. Plus I make two four hour round trips every weekend so she can see them and they can see her. I’ll be honest every Saturday after I drop them off I cry all the way home. I miss them so much. They are my little best mates. Every night after dinner we will all do our chores and do a different activity, sometimes it’s a walk in the woods behind my house, or we bake, or have movie nights, or read books together. I’m quite good with my hands and love making and fixing things whether it’s baking, cooking, diy or car repairs and they have started to take an interest too so we have a couple of projects on the go like building a kind of Wendy house for them but it will have games consoles, a fridge for their drinks and snacks etc plus we are also building a couple of petrol go karts from scratch for them to race at a nearby track when they are done which they are designing themselves and we are building together. Basically my life is taken up with them in the week and then at the weekends I feel like a lost zombie until it’s time to go get them. Then yesterday I received a short text from her saying she no longer wants to see them, all they do is ask for me anyway, they don’t have fun there and they basically get in the way. I was absolutely heartbroken for my boys and I rang her straight away. I’ll be honest I started crying as I felt so bad for them and she genuinely acted like I was annoying her for wanting to get to the bottom of it. She then said “sounds like you don’t want them either and are just trying to palm them off et the weekends” and hung up on me. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell them this. Do I just say she’s cancelled for a few weeks and see how it goes? Do I tell them the truth? How do I say it in a way that kids will understand and won’t absolutely crush them? Then I’ve got the conflicted selfish emotion of pure joy that I’ll have the whole weekends with them! It’s so selfish of me I know as they are going to be sad while I’m happy. Has anyone been in a simile situation from my side or the kids side? How do I handle this? Tldr: ex wife said she no longer wants to see the kids. I’m sad for them and happy for me. How do i handle this? Relevant Comments: Are kids in therapy? I got them in therapy as soon as we split up because everyone in their life is attached to this one way or another and they need an outside voice to help them understand it and someone they can be truly honest with without fear of hurting feelings. Have her give up her parental rights/talk to a lawyer: I spoke to a lawyer today and shown him everything which was then emailed over to him and he’s sent a letter to her divorce lawyer saying what I want sole custody. Commenter: Don’t forget - child support. I hope you’re receiving and get it adjusted based on new custody agreement. OOP: I don’t need her money I make enough to look after us as is. If I ever was to receive anything it would go in to savings for them. To a longer comment accusing him of making everything up: So men can’t be abused and made to feel worthless and unloved? She can keep the house. It’s worth about £140k so £70k is a small price to pay to be rid of her. We don’t have alimony here in the uk. Once you are divorced you are done. We pay child support but that goes to the main parent which is me and she can keep her £25 a week I don’t need it. I’ve got plenty of anger and resentment towards her trust me mate. If she was on fire I wouldn’t piss on her. But I’m not going to show that anger and resentment in front of the kids am I because I’m not a fucking psycho? Why would you walk away from the 70K? It’s just going to drag on forever and frustrate the fuck out of me I know it’s not worth it. She’s going to wreck the house to lower the value. She’ll refuse to let people view it. She’ll miss all meetings. She’ll refuse to sign anything. She’s going to make this unbearable and I’ll be driving 4 hour round trips hundreds of times for no reason. It genuinely isn’t worth it. She will make my life a living hell and would rather walk away with nothing than me walk away with something. Update Post 4: August 13, 2024 (Almost 1 month later) Quick recap. Split up with my wife a few months ago after she cheated on me on a night out. I was willing to stay but she got upset I wasn’t more upset and I had enough and left. I moved two hours away to my home town and let her have the house. Our two sons came with me. I drive them to and from her house every weekend to see them but she started cancelling and then one day text me saying she no longer wants to see them and is happy to “give them up” in the divorce. So as far as her giving up her rights as parent it’s a lot harder than I thought. Both my lawyer and hers have told me that it’s hard to do this in the UK and neither of them have seen a judge allow it unless there is a physical or sexual chance of harm to the children. However they have both also said they’ve never presented a case like this to a judge where both parties agree to it fully. They’ve drafted an agreement where we both agree to my ex wife no longer have responsibilities towards my children including financially. Let’s see what happens with that just waiting now to get a court date but they said that can be months away. On to the hardest part, telling my kids. I’ll be honest I haven’t. The first couple of weeks I just said mum had cancelled again when they asked and the eldest in particular seemed pretty relieved at this both times and last weekend they didn’t even ask, it’s been over a month now since they’ve seen her. The eldest has also told me that he doesn’t like going there anyway as all she does is sleep and shout. He also told me the other day he prefers his new house and he feels more relaxed. I feel terrible as I was obviously missing signs before that he wasn’t fully happy when we were together as a family. At least he’s more comfortable now. I had a bit of a wobble last night with my youngest though. He was watching Land Before Time and then he started saying he misses his mum and then started crying. It was full blown tears and breaking down and it was awful to see. While I was holding him I started crying but I made sure he couldn’t see. I didn’t say anything bad about his mum or tell him she doesn’t want to see him anymore I just hugged him and stroked his hair and told him I’ll always be here for him and he can always come to me if he’s upset, happy or just wants to be silly and I’ll never push him away. Once they were in bed I was in pieces. Blaming myself for leaving their mum. Questioning why I couldn’t be stronger and live with it for a few more years until they were adults. It was me who left. It’s me who’s made them drive up and down the country every weekend. Unsettled them. Uprooted their lives. At 2am this morning I drafted a text to my wife asking her to get back together and to be a mum again. Luckily I didn’t send it. I had about three hours sleep but feel better this morning. None of her family have been in touch either to try and maintain a relationship with the boys. It’s horrible to be honest but they are the ones missing out on these two amazing kids. One of her cousins messages me every so often but she asks more about me than kids so that either feels like ulterior motive or a trap which I’m not falling in to. As for my divorce mg lawyer has said it should hopefully be finalised before Christmas. Not that it’ll make much difference. I don’t wear my ring and she has a new 20 year old boyfriend (not the guy she cheated with). Will be nice though to finally be able to say ex wife and it be official. Tldr: not much success with kids mum dropping responsibilities officially. Kids seem a bit happier. Relevant Comments: Commenter: Why not just say no to her being absolved of all responsibilities? Tell her it's fine that they're not going to come visit anymore but she still needs to pay child support. Then put it in the bank for your children's future. OOP: She barely works. I means tested it and she’d pay around £20 a month. Rather go without. (to another): She works 15 hours a week. When I did an online means tester it was about £20 a month. Small price to pay to be rid of her. (to another) I have five figure savings accounts for both of them, plus my garage which is a successful business and I own the land it’s built on. £20 a month is £240 a year. I can make that in a morning on a side job on a car. I’d rather do that once a year than have to ever have a reason to talk to her again. Don't worry about them seeing you cry: They’ve seen me cry before I just didn’t want him to think it was his fault I was crying. Commenter: We're there signs she was like this? Is it possible this is a mental health issue? Or was she always like this and dismissive? OOP: Looking back she was always dismissive of me. Can count on my hands how many times we’ve had sex in the last 15 years and in the end she banned me from any sort of touching like holding hands or hugging. She was a good mum until a couple of years ago and then within a few months over half her friend group became single and that’s when she started to change towards the kids too. Commenter: You’re getting a lot of advice here but I would stay away from land before time. It’s traumatising enough as a movie alone - let alone someone who’s mothers abandoned them! Always check the movies you let them watch from now on!! OOP: He said he was going to watch the dinosaur movie and that normally means “Denver the Last Dinosaur” on YouTube. I had no idea he’d picked that one! Commenter: If she doesn't want them now, she didn't then either. So please don't try to get back together... You don't know what kind of damage she was doing to them. OOP: I never would. It was a momentary lapse. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/HollyCupcakez. She posted in r/stories and r/NoStupidQuestions. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The latest update is 7 days old. Trigger Warnings: pretty graphic details around bodily functions, so if you have a weak stomach sit this one out Mood Spoiler: love prevails? First cry for help: July 1, 2024 I went on vacation for 3 weeks with some friends and left my husband at home because he didn't want to go and he had to watch our dog. I came home yesterday and found out that he bought some honeycombs from our friend's father and has been sitting in the living room just eating the honeycomb, like the whole thing with all the beeswax and bits in it. I told him it wasn't healthy, but he says the wax is edible and he's eaten like 6 of them. Relevant Comment: Commenter: Honey wax is edible, just it might cause a lot of gas if you eat a lot of honeycombs. OOP: Oh goody! More gas. I think I'm gonna ask my friend if I can move in with him back in Korea while my husband de-gasses himself because he also ate an entire 15lbs bag of red lentils and DoorDash'd Taco Hell for the past 3 weeks. Original Post: July 1, 2024 (40 minutes later) So, about 3 weeks ago I flew to South Korea for a vacation with friends who live there. My husband didn't want to go and said he'd be fine staying home and watching the house and dog. I trusted him because he's a 40 year old adult man and assumed he'd be able to feed himself like a sane person despite him possessing the cooking ability of a cactus. I was wrong. I should've dragged him and the dog along with me to another country. What my husband decided to do during his 3 weeks without me was absurd. I would've been happier if he'd cheated on me instead. Because what he did was: order nothing but Taco Bell through DoorDash after he: somehow broke my stove by: cooking an entire 15lbs bag of red lentils all at once. Then he didn't bother to get a bowl for his lentils, he just ate them straight from the pot and stuffed the pot into the fridge and broke one of the shelves inside it. Now realizing his mistake, he decided to order nothing but terrible tacos for the remaining 2 weeks while getting high on medical marijuana. Also for some reason he bought a bunch of honeycombs from one of our friend's fathers and decided those made a good snack and has eaten nothing but beeswax and honey for the last few days because he's some kind of weird alien in a human disguise. Apparently honeycombs give you gas. And lentils give you gas. And Taco Bell gives you gas. So now it's today and I'm awoken by what sounds like someone revving a motorcycle in my bedroom followed by the stench of the fiery pits of hell itself. It's 5:30 in the morning. He gets up and goes to use the toilet as I'm opening the windows in a poor attempt to ventilate the house but it's too late. He doesn't even have a solid poop, it's just 10 minutes of gas. Like 20 seconds of nonstop farts followed by a huge gasp of air and then another 20 seconds of gas. By this time, the dog has hidden under my couch because it doesn't know what those loud honking noises are and fears for its safety. I consider joining it, but continue to open every window in my house. It's 62 degrees out and windy. The wind just blows the fart smell around the house. My husband has left the bathroom and has walked upstairs. It sounds like there's a small 2-stroke engine in his pants. I can't take it anymore and scream that I'm going to get breakfast at the diner and leave him. I bring the dog with me because the dog follows me out of the house because it also doesn't want to be here right now. So now I'm at the diner waiting for my husband to de-gas himself while the dog sits underneath the table next to me wearing a pink leash-kid harness that my friends bought for me as a gag gift that has my name and "Emotional Support Human" on it that the waitress thought was some kind of in-joke. This is the start of my morning. I hope it's not as stinky as yours. Relevant Comment: Commenter: Have you considered calling the military? They may be able to wraponize your husband for later use! OOP: I think that violates the Geneva Convention somehow. Update Comment 1: 1 hour later Update: It's 9:00 and my husband texted me to tell me to rent a carpet cleaner from the Dollar General because he "trusted a fart" and shat all over the living room floor. It's gonna be one of those day... Comments: Commenter: How people behave when they are on their own reveals their fundamental values and beliefs. OOP: At least he mowed the lawn even though I think he did it while high and tried to mow his name into our yard. Commenter: omg i have tears in my eyes, that was some funny shit. no pun intended! OOP: I've drawn a picture of myself in MS Paint to illustrate how my day is going. (image) Commenter (downvoted): Divorce him because he sounds worthless. OOP: I would but short guys are hard to find. He's 5'2" and takes it with pride, even when my friends bought him a Powerwheels Corvette for his 40th birthday. Update Comment 2: About 1.5 hours later UPDATE It's 10:23 and I've returned home after a lovely day of walking my dog around the park, getting coffee, renting a carpet cleaner, and tuning my motorcycle to a house that smells like Febreeze and Lysol. I took so long screwing around that my husband had time to harass our neighbors and 'borrow' a SpotBot carpet cleaner that didn't clean our carpet! I gave him the instructions for the carpet cleaner I rented for stupid amount of money from the Dollar General and I'm now locked in our bedroom. He's allowed in when the house is fixed and he's no longer filled with more gas than the Hindenburg. Relevant Comments: Commenter: "I trusted him because he's a 40 year old adult man." oxymoron? OOP: You'd think after being married for 10 years and knowing each-other intimately we'd know how smart we were. Apparently not. Apparently when you turn 40 you have a midlife crisis and suddenly turn into a 4 year old. Who can drive. And buy things. Lots of random things. Like a 45lbs bag of lentils or 550 poptarts, or 1360 Luigi's Italian Ice cups. And then even though you haven't had any children, you become a mother to a man-child. Commenter: I turn 50 this year and this post makes me proud and happy about what I have achieved as an adult, partner and father compared to the slow motion car crash you describe here. I still fart. But I also eat (and make) salad. Good lord. OOP: We're a disgrace to our generation, but life is still fun. Commenter: I really need to understand the decision behind making and trying to eat 15lbs of red lentils all at once. That just seems like the start of many bad decisions, which were clearly made. The only thing that would have made that worse would have been deciding sprouts were a good idea. OOP: I think he was high and decided to make aaaaallllll the food in case he was still hungry. Commenter: He is a grown ass man and can not cook.. damn. Like cooking is not that hard, there are simple yet healthy recipes like Google and YouTube exist 😭😭 OOP: Once upon a bar mitzvah, he tried to cook stew in a pressure cooker and caused a Chernobyl-level explosion that did $20k worth of damage to my parents' house. He hasn't been allowed to cook anything again. But he did and my kitchen suffered. Update Comment 3: over 1 hour later Possibly Final Update If I Don't Survive: It's 11:40. I can't hear the carpet cleaner anymore, but I can still hear the Horns of Jericho as my husband continues to fart. He's smoking too, and the pot smoke and farts are leeching into the bedroom where I'm (un)safely locked inside. Oh yay. Update Comment 4: 6+ hours later (10 hours from OG post) Update Again: I survived the gas attack. I fell asleep and woke up to a bajillion comments on this post, a dog that also shat on the floor, and a husband that is now gas-free but had been on the toilet for so long his legs went to sleep so he fell off the toilet and ripped the towel rack off the wall. He did try to put the towel rack back, but now I need to buy drywall anchors because if you look at it funny it just falls off again. He says "I'm never doing that again!" but he'll probably do something similar in 6 months because apparently I'm on the Truman Show or something. Relevant Comments: How he broke the stove: He didn't use a big enough pot and molten lentils spilled all over the stove and went into the burners and turned into charcoal that now immediately catches on fire as soon as you light it up. He also just shoved the red-hot pot into the fridge and shattered a glass shelf with it. Commenter: Bad news. This isn't gonna be over soon . A 15 LB BAG OF LENTILS?????? That's insane behavior. He is gonna fart forever . OOP: He stopped a few hours ago while I was unconscious. It was like the 1812 Overture saving all the big cannon shots for the end. Commenter: What kind of psycho path just eats red lentils? No rice? No other veggies. No proteins. Just lentils. This is part of the story that seems like it can’t be written. So I’m forced to take your word for it. I’d seriously watch out for that dude. OOP: The kind of idiot that "accidentally" ordered a 45lbs bag of them last year and did so again and tried to cover up his mistake by consuming the whole bag like some kind of human black-hole. Commenter: LMAO I can't. I gotta ask, was he like this when you met? Or was he still Barney Rubble OOP: No, he was a normal sane short-guy with an unreliable car and a struggling small business. A decade and one medical marijuana card later and it's The Goofy Movie. He uses the medical marijuana for sciatica issues. Commenter: you know, i frequently read stories like this on here and i just can’t help but to wonder how men like this get into relationships… like how do these men manage to dupe a woman into marrying him? into having sex with him? how does this happen? OOP: You know he didn't start out like this right? We've been together for almost a decade and we're comfortable with each other and our weird escapades. He's done dumber stuff like getting an airpod lodged so far up his nose it had to be removed with forceps at the ER like that scene from Total Recall. Update Comment 5: 4 hours later (14 hours from OG post) Maybe Final Update Before I Go To Sleep: My husband can actually take care of himself, he just can't cook even though he says he can and his family thinks cooking is using the magical microwave box for everything that's not toast. My husband has tried to make toast in the microwave but obviously that didn't work. He also wasn't like this when we met, he was just a normal awkward nerdy guy from a kinda poor family. He did take out the trash, do the laundry, feed the dog his special dogfood because my dog is diabetic, mow the lawn and buy some groceries. Unfortunately, he blew some fuse trying to use the Keurig, Toaster Oven, and Microwave all at the same time and gave up on trying to zap food for himself and resigned to using DoorDash and UberEats for everything after he also broke my stove. I think the beeswax is what did him in because he said he was fine until he ate like 7 honeycombs in a row. Relevant Comment: OOP's background: I'm not Korean. I'm Polish. My friends are Korean and British-Korean and moved to Korea 6 months ago. Commenter: [...] Your husband is a complete fucking idiot OOP: I know, but he's my idiot. Every village has at least one. Update Comment 6: 1 hour later He's still alive, but he lives in the bathroom with a big garage fan running while he's inside. It sounds like there's a small biplane in there. Relevant Comment: Commenter: I was not prepared to read this post. I had a hunch it was going to be about farting gas but I did not expect such an eloquently written post. OP, are you a writer by profession? You have a finesse about your descriptive details of the bathroom situation that I can clearly picture the scene step by step. I don’t have anything else to say but I wouldn’t blame you for wanting out of the relationship. I was married to a man child once and him cheating on me was the best thing because we divorced and I have never been happier. OOP: I write stories for our DnD games and also questionable fanfiction. My husband's cooking skills are atrocious, but his other skills make up for that. Commenter: How does this man have a wife OOP: I don't really know either. When I met him he was 30 and still living with his parents, but for a legitimate reason; they're a lot older and need living assistance, he still fetches his father's medication every week or so. Commenter: Wait, this trip to Korea was to visit a friend you used to want to bone? You better bring that howitzer ass home a bag of taco bell tonight sis, you got a man who isnt crippled by insecurity OOP: No, it's because I have a severe FOMO and I've never been to Korea. My Korean friend is 6'7" and he broke it off with me because I'm 2ft shorter than he is and he said it was too awkward for him. I also got mistaken for his daughter. Update Comment 7: July 2, 2024 (next day) Morning Update: So apparently you can't digest beeswax so my husband has turned into a Human Shotgun that's entirely powered by gas. He says it comes in waves, so it's gas and then beeswax and then gas followed by more beeswax. I think he ate the entire beehive. Also, as hard as it is to believe, my husband can cook, but he can only cook stuff on a BBQ because "He can't tell when it's done" if he tries to use the stove. And the key to our BBQ cover got lost somewhere so now I have to break the lock off or cut the cover. Relevant Comment: Commenter: So how was South Korea? 🤣🤣 OOP: I offended my friend's mom, wrecked an electric scooter, got brutalized by an old Korean lady on a massage table and melted my GI tract with kimchi. Commenter (deleted): Sugar coat it however you want, but he's a grown man who doesn't know basic life skills, like how to feed himself, and he makes terrible health decisions, and sits around getting high. Not to mention bad hygiene, which I think this qualifies as. Horrid diet resulting in terrible body odor is a hygiene issue. Slob. OOP: My Korean friend told me he once ate an entire dinner that consisted of nothing but celery once. Why? Because he had celery and didn't want to waste it. Update Comment 8: July 3, 2024 (Next day, 2 days from OG post) Final Update: My husband gave himself food poisoning from all of the raw honeycomb. He finally came to his senses after I sent him on a Fridge Shelf Replacement Adventure by himself and told him he can't come back until he finds one. It took him 13 hours and he had to go out of state because we have a weird Samsung smart-fridge. So, he got the shelf and hopped back into his car, that he had been farting in all day long, in 90 degree heat, and almost vommed from the smell. Then he had to drive 6 hours with all the windows down, had to stop to buy Depends because he still had food poisoning, and finally made it home to apologize for eating like a 14 year old boy and breaking my kitchen and trust. He also found a replacement BBQ cover and anchors for the towel bar he destroyed. PS: The whole microwave-toaster oven-coffee make debacle involved him tripping the little mini breaker on the outlet itself and not knowing how to reset it. It had a button that said "reset" and pushing it turned all the appliances on again. The outlet was hidden behind the microwave, so maybe he's not a total dumbass because it took me a while to find it. PPS: It's 7:30pm and he's started a 14 hour brisket roast for the 4th. It smells amazing. I still don't know how he can cook like a BBQ pitmaster, but lacks the ability with a regular stove. He's like Superman if Clark Kent was a drooling idiot instead of a reporter. I honestly would've been less annoyed if he broke the lock on our grill cover and ate nothing but BBQ for 3 weeks, at least if the grill got stolen then that's all his money lost. Editor's note: OOP has a story from the 4th of July about shenanigans that went down at the BBQ, but they aren't really relevant to the story. Editor's note 2: OOP has a tangentially related post (posted yesterday) about her husband now being diagnosed with IBS here. Sort of an update, but as a lot of OOP's posts are somewhat connected, it also could be a stand alone. So I'm going to leave the link here but not add it to this post! I have mods permission for that. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Trigger warning: infidelity, some suicidal thoughts ORIGINAL: Ex-wife (38F) married my (37M) best friend (35M). It's killing me and destroyed my marriage by u/sowingseason-yeah on r/relationship_advice February 2024. I (37M) have been with my wife (26F) for 5 years and married 4 years. We have 3 kids from her previous relationships (2 boys and 1 girl between the ages of 5 and 8). I really love her and her kids. Things were perfect until 3 or 4 months ago. I've had 3 big promotions in 5 years. We bought a house last year. She stays home with the kids and is trying to make a social media career happen. I have always been on the fence about having kids but she really wanted us to have one together so I agreed to try to have my vasectomy reversed. She's is 7 months pregnant now. We were so fucking happy. My ex-wife (38F) divorced me in 2019 and moved about 2 hours away a few months into the pandemic. Our divorce was amicable but once it was finalized, I never heard from her again even when I would wish her well on birthdays and holidays. I even sent her a graduation gift when I heard that she finished her PhD program. Other people in our social circle including my parents and sister-in-law who sent her a gift received handwritten thank you cards. I didn't get so much as a text. My ex-wife is a really kind and thoughtful person and the woman I knew would've at least sent a thank you text if her worst enemy sent her a gift. Even though we broke up I didn't think she hated me. My best friend (35M) and I were best friends since college. He's the best person I know and at least 10 people think he's their best friend, but he said that I was his always. We kind of lost touch during the pandemic. We live 2 hours apart and he is a lawyer and teaches classes at a university so he is really busy. I have a really busy career and a new wife and three kids. I didn't really realize that the texts between us were fewer and that the last time he finally replied to me was in late 2021. He also falls off the face of the earth when he gets with a new girl and then when things cool off, we all hear from him more. We have always been the kind of friends that could go an extended period of time without communicating and then pick up right where we left off. I kept saying that I would eventually call him when things were less busy. My wife and I went to visit the city he and my ex-wife live in last summer for a week and I tried calling him a couple of times to meet up but he never answered. I was sad but just figured he was busy with work or obsessed with a new girlfriend. I have other friends there so I got to see them. Then I went to the city again by myself in October for a Halloween party. I figured he'd be at this party and I was psyched that I'd get to see him then. He was there. When I went to say hi and hug him, he looked a little surprised and gave me a weak hug. I told him that I was there during the summer and that I tried calling him so we could hang out. He just said "Yeah, I was on my honeymoon that week. Sorry, I didn't get back to you." I was really shocked to hear that he'd gotten married and a little hurt that my best friend got married without me even knowing he had a serious girlfriend, but still happy for him. Like I said he was a great guy and girls love him. I spit out a rush of questions, like who is she, where is she, what's her name, what's she like, where'd you meet her, how long have you been together. He paused for a moment and then just bluntly said, "It's (Ex-Wife's name)." My ex-wife doesn't have a unique name or anything, but it isn't the most common name either and instantly I knew that it was her. I can't describe how it felt to hear those two words come out of his mouth. I felt sick to my stomach and I immediately wanted to die. I have never felt like that before. I just said "What the fuck." He told me that I didn't get to be mad because I broke her heart and they didn't start dating until 2 years after we got divorced and that I chose to be with some waitress anyway. I drank the rest of the weekend because it was the only way I was able to sleep. I feel betrayed by both of them. My best friend since I was 20 years old married my ex-wife behind my fucking back. I was married to her for 6 years and they were never even friends and now they are in love with each other. I also found out that he talked shit about my current wife and me behind my back and never liked her. I went back home and I know that I was distant with my wife and the kids because I was just hurting so much. After a couple of weeks, we had a big fight and she called me out on being distant and accused me of cheating. I finally came clean and told her about my ex and my best friend which she scoffed about and said she'd known about them for a long time now because of social media. I flew into a rage and we fought for hours. She betrayed me by not telling me the entire time she knew. She didn't say anything when I mentioned my best friend not returning my calls or messages. I didn't get to sleep before going to work and after work I just stayed with my parents for a few days. When I finally went back home we got into another fight where she accused me of still being in love with my ex and said that I wouldn't care if I wasn't. I called her stupid and said that she wouldn't understand because she doesn't have any friends. I wouldn't care if my ex-wife got married to anyone else if it wasn't my best friend. I don't see what is so hard to understand about that. We made up eventually but I feel sick to my stomach everyday and things aren't the same in our relationship. I love my wife but I've come to realize it's not the same way I loved my ex-wife. My wife doesn't love me the same way my ex-wife did either. I have started to regret the things that led to our divorce because we were really happy until the moment she left me. I don't even have my best friend to call because he's too busy fucking my ex-wife to care about me anymore. Everything feels empty and like a lie now. A lot of friends agree that they both betrayed me but think I need to move on. Even my dad and brother told me to get over it. My sister-in-law yelled at me and my mom tries to comfort me but I know she's over hearing about my problems. I have to pretend I'm okay but I'm not. No one gives a shit about mental health when it comes to men. I bought up couples therapy to my wife but she said that she thinks we are okay since we worked through things. Guess I have to pretend for the rest of my life now because divorce is not on the table. I need advice on what to do and how to get closure. I am thinking of driving to their city to just show up and force them to talk to me so I can move on. Is that too much to ask? How do I get my wife to see that it is hard to trust her after knowing she kept a big secret from me for a long time? TLDR: The three people I loved the most outside of my blood family ripped my heart out. My wife knew about my best friend being in a relationship with my ex-wife and didn't tell me. Best friend ghosted me around the time he started dating my ex-wife. Ex-wife is still friendly with my family and mutual friends, but not me. Update: The overwhelming consensus here is that I am a piece of shit which is true. The other consensus is that I need therapy. I asked my brother to help me but neither of us even know where to begin to find a therapist. He said he would ask his wife to help us and she texted me this morning and said she was only helping because of my brother. I guess that’s fair. OOP confirms he cheated on his ex-wife with his current wife: My ex-wife found out about me sleeping with my current wife. I broke up with my current wife for my ex-wife so we could work things out. She decided she wanted a divorce a couple of months later even though I begged her to try with me. Out of respect, I tried to make sure the divorce was as easy as possible. I got back together with my current wife while we were separated. OOP keeps repeating he knows he fucked up and he misses his ex-wife and best friend, but also says he doesn't want to hurt his current wife: I do really wish that I found out that day and felt happy for them or at least felt nothing. I buried a lot of feelings down when I married my current wife and they all came flooding out. I miss my best friend. I miss my ex-wife. I am so sorry I hurt her. I love her and never stopped loving her and that scares me because I don't want to hurt my wife. I know I fucked up. OOP says he and his ex-wife didn't want children and says his step-children's father's aren't in their lives: My ex-wife and I didn’t want children. Birth control made her sick and we both hated condoms so a vasectomy made sense at the time. The fathers are not in the picture and the last one was not a good man. I think I thought I was saving her in some fucked up way. OOP confirms that his current wife's last pregnancy isn't his baby when he was still married to his ex-wife: The ex was abusive and I thought I was saving her. The child is not biologically mine. We had the baby tested. OOP wants to do therapy for himself. His sister-in-law recommends inpatient therapy: I know I have a lot to think about. My wife and my kids most importantly. But everything going on in my brain is so overwhelming right now. How do I prioritize therapy without taking away time and energy from my wife and kids or the new baby who will be here soon? A lot of people have been messaging me and telling me to kill myself because my family would be better off without me. Believe me, it crosses my mind so much that it scares me. It would certainly be easier for me, but I think it would traumatize everyone involved even more. One month later, OOP comes back and says he is in therapy and it's difficult, but he is doing better: Therapy is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but I think it might be working. I’m okay. My wife is almost due and she’s healthy but tired of being pregnant. She’s doing okay too. The kids are doing well. It was my daughter’s birthday recently and it was the first really good day I have had in forever. I love being their dad. A lot is still going on, but I am alive and that’s the first step. UPDATE: My (37M) wife (27F) had the baby and she isn't mine. by u/ThrowRAsowingseason OOP posted this update from his original account and from a throwaway account. April 17, 2024. This is kind of an update to my last post a few months ago and I am also hoping for advice on how to best navigate this. I have tried a couple of times to write this update, but I get stressed trying to make it all make sense so I will just dump it all here and hope it comes out okay. When I tried to post with my original account, the mods deleted my post and said I needed to add ThrowRA. I guess I should start by saying that I had/have a lot more issues than my original post addressed or than I even recognized at the time. Therapy is helping me uncover a lot of it and it’s really uncomfortable on the good days and crushing on the bad days. So many people talk about how they feel so much better after going to therapy, but I feel worse. I’m still going to go though because for as much as it sucks, it is helping me learn better ways of dealing with things. It is also helping me explain myself to me a little better. Like I am a shitty person, but I wasn’t always a shitty person and I am starting to see where it all went wrong. I feel like understanding that is the only way I can address those things and then become a better person. I did inpatient therapy then after my release, I see a therapist in her office once a week and meet virtually once a week. I also see a psychiatrist once every two weeks and started on some medications. It’s weird how I can kind of see them helping parts of my brain but dulling other parts and making my body not feel the best. I try to explain it to the doctor but he just tells me it is going to take some time for them to fully work and that eventually I will get used to it. My wife had the baby, but while I was away she told me about the possibility of the baby not being mine. I grieved that so much, but I decided it wasn’t not much good in dwelling on it too much right now until we knew for sure once she is born. The results came back last week and she isn’t mine. We haven’t made any decisions right now about our relationship, but are living together for the sake of the kids and her recovery from having the baby. She said that if I didn’t want to be with her anymore, she’d go back to her home state with her mom and step-dad. She also mentioned that she knew she wouldn’t get alimony or child support because of our state, but I told her I would help her get back home and on her feet if that’s what ended up happening. Since I got back home, I have stepped up more and been more active as a dad which has been really good for me. Being a responsible and present father helps me forget about all of the other stuff in the moment, but it would be a lie for me to say that I don’t worry about how much it’ll hurt to lose them if we break up since they are not biologically or legally mine. I also just worry about them a lot and think they deserve to have a safe and stable, happy childhood. I’m really sad that the baby isn’t mine. I wanted her to be mine more than anything in the world. But I find it really hard to be angry with my wife, for some reason. I cheated on my first wife with her so it’s kind of karma in a way. And what could I really expect when our relationship started the way that it did. Plus, there’s this other part of me that understands that she is a deeply damaged person like me. I don’t really want to go into a lot of details, but we both lived through some similar shit happening to us when we were kids that bonded us. Neither of us really dealt with it, but I thought that I was okay because I grew up privileged and she didn’t, so I always had more opportunities than she did. I also thought that since I didn’t think about it as much, I was okay. She thought about it all the time and she wasn’t okay. My ex-wife is an amazing woman and she deserves to be happy. I sent her an email and just kind of poured my heart out about how sorry I am for hurting her. I would rip my heart out to give to her if it helped her heal from the heartbreak I caused her. I said in the email that I didn’t expect a reply and that I would never attempt contact with her again after that. She got in contact with my brother a few times to check on me and she’s called me twice and we talked for a few hours about everything. She’s really happy and she’s doing well. I’m proud of her and she deserves to be happy. I am really lucky that I had the years that I had with her, but now it is time to accept how I screwed up and try my best to do better going forward. I don’t think I will ever contact her again, but would be happy to hear from her if she ever reaches out again. It still hurts a little, but I understand now that that door is fully closed. The door with my friend is closed too. We haven’t spoken and we probably never will, but that’s okay. I found out from other friends that he was always in love with my ex-wife and that he was the person who convinced her to move to where they live now after our divorce. I think knowing helps because the story I created in my head was far worse. I also understand now why no one wanted to tell me. My brother and I got so close again which his wife isn’t the happiest about. I am not sure where I would be right now if it wasn’t for him. We invited them over during the weekend and at one point, she and I were in a room alone for a few minutes and I told her that I was sorry and she just hugged me and told me that I was stupid, but that she knows I am trying. I also have two really good friends who have been there for me through everything, even though they have been clear from the very beginning that they have not agreed with my actions. All of them are more than I deserve. My relationship with my parents isn’t in the best place right now. They are both really mad at me because my brother confronted them about what I told him related to the thing that happened when I was a kid. They feel like his is blaming them and that they did the best they could for me. I think that they are really embarrassed too. I get it and I don’t really blame them, I don’t think they knew what to do. But I am not going to apologize to them either so until I do, they don’t really want to be around me. I’m not sure that this is the update that anyone wanted to read, but it’s all I’ve got. My life is still very much in limbo, maybe even shambles. But I am doing my best to fix it and to fix some of the hurts I have caused others. I would recommend therapy as much as everyone recommended it to me, but I would caution to add that it requires a lot of honesty to work and that sometimes that kind of honesty reopens old wounds. But those wounds are dirty and infected so you’ve gotta clean them up and treat them to get better, which is going to hurt but I am not sure there is any other way. TLDR: My wife had someone else’s baby while we were already having a lot of relationship problems. She and my step-children are still living with me until we make a decision about our relationship. I don’t really know what to do. How do I make the best decision for the kids and for myself? Should I try to work things out with my wife or would it be the best to make a clean break? OOP is asked about the newest baby's father: The baby’s father is a man she had a three or so week fling with. Neither of us were listed on the birth certificate. The way it was explained to me was that I would have had to file some sort of acknowledgement form or get a court order once we established paternity since she only put her name on the birth certificate, but there was a lot of questions about it since we are legally married. It’s too soon to tell if I am fucked as far as that’s concerned. Who is the fling? It's a guy she met at the gym. She said that they had a fling and that he ghosted her. OOP is unsure on what to do regarding his current family: I think I am still shell shocked, to be honest. I can feel it in my stomach, almost literally. Like my stomach is so full of knots all the time that I can barely eat. But the feeling hasn't made it to my brain yet. But I am constantly thinking about and worrying about the kids. I have no legal rights to them so if we break up and she moves away, I'll probably never get to see them again which is a selfish thought. The older kids aren't mine either, they are my step-children technically. So in theory, yes I would be willing to raise a child that isn't mine, but it is different this time because this child was conceived during our marriage. I just feel like I would be fucking the kids over because I support the family financially and they deserve to have a good life. OOP acknowledges that karma came back full-circle: I mean, I cheated on my ex-wife with my current wife. My current wife cheated on me and had someone else's kid. It's not hard to see how fucked up things are. OOP's current plans: Therapy and trying to making amends is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is the only way forward if I want to keep living. I really love those kids, they are so amazing and they deserve better adults in their lives than the ones they were given (me included). I think I'm going to be okay eventually, I just have to keep getting through the hard parts. She said she was sorry for hurting me. She said it was over and that they had sex over a three week period and that he ghosted her. When I asked her about therapy before she said no, but when I brought it up again more recently she said she'd think about it and maybe start once she's a few weeks post-partum. She said staying married was up to me, but I told her that she also needs to want it. If we break up, she plans on moving back to her hometown which is in another state but if it is possible in anyway and she's okay with it, I will try to find a way to stay in their lives. submitted by /u/red_earaches to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwaway970012390. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole, r/Advice, r/TrueOffMyChest and his own profile. A reminder this sub has a 7 day waiting period, meaning the newest update is 7 days old. Please read the trigger warnings and mood spoiler. Trigger Warning: drug use; suicide attempt; addiction; misandry; infidelity; overdose; death Mood Spoiler: genuinely fucking sad Original Post: April 20, 2023 My wife is usually an angel of a woman, but has recently gotten into a friendship with a woman whom I personally believe is a bad influence on her, not in a patronizing way, more of a "lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" type of situation. I never said anything about her childishness or her very radical misandry, because frankly it doesn't effect me. Until it did. A few months ago my wife began pressuring me to do more around the house. Before I get an instant YTA. We already split chores and child care, admittedly, she had a bigger cut than I because she is a SAHM, but I do most of the cooking, breakfasts and Dinners, Lunch is her responsibility for her and the boys. I take out the garbage and I do laundry, and I deep clean the bathrooms once a week. I do also help with our boys homework and such. She insists that I am not doing enough and that I should be doing more around the house. I tried having discussions with her asking what she expected from me (namely all chores and child rearing should be my duty it seems) and for months it seemed to be going no where. She used the D word more than once when speaking on this which felt manipulative. It boiled over when we were out with friends one night, and she began talking about how I never helped out and how I use her as a house slave (her words). I will admit I saw red. This next part is where I may be the asshole. I didn't say anything that night but the next day I asked my boss to be given reduced hours for the next little bit, due to stress. And I took over everything in the house. I cooked Breakfast, and made lunch for the boys before I drove them to school, I cleaned the house top to bottom, I did every dish we had twice and so on. My wife was blindingly happy, and bragged to her friend that she finally had me "worn in". She Didn't lift a finger for around a month. Then she began asking why we never went on dates anymore and Complaining that she wanted to get her nails done as they were growing in. I explained that I had to take that out of our budget so we could continue to afford everything else, but we could absolutely have a movie night in, and I could paint her nails for her. She was unhappy with that solution, So I asked her if she would want to get a part time job to pay for either luxury's. You would have thought I asked if she wanted to join a cult. She then asked if I could Just pick up more shifts at work to cover her other expenses, and used the phrase "be a man". Which I found more than a little insulting. I then asked her if she would be willing to go back to splitting the chores and such? Which is when she began to catch on that the two were related. She yelled at me that I was being a manipulative asshole for doing this and even claimed it was financial "a word". I stood strong for a while but now I am questioning my methods, because even I feel what I did was a bit underhanded. so AITA? Relevant Comments: Why are you still with her when she treats you like that? "I love her. With everything I got. She’s an excellent mother, and honestly before she met this friend we were both blissfully happy to the best of my knowledge." How did she suddenly notice that she wasn't getting her nails done or going out on dates? Did you block the credit card from everything but the grocery store? "No, for one she has her own card, though we do only have one bank account. I set her nail and hair appointments, because she hates making phone calls, and she asked why I didn't take her out anymore. She could have spent from the card without saying anything I suppose but upon budgeting we would have been in trouble if 300+ was gone from a night out with friends." More about his wife and their relationship: "She had always wanted to be a SAHM before we got together, I try not to say this part because while her two boys are not mine biologically, they are my sons, but being a single mother was incredibly taxing for her, because working in the public was too much. I had a bit of experience with being a single father myself, I have a son of my own, but I was looking to advance my career, and was more than happy to take over the bills for a lessened load at home." You're paying to raise another man's children: "I do not like this comment. Those are my kids. No one else’s, and regardless of what happens with their mother ever, I hope those boys know that." More about how things have changed: "Oh god, I can tell you but it may be a bit mundane. When we first got married, she would give me shoulder and back massages everyday after work, and have my favorite music playing when I opened the door, even though she hates bluegrass. She would make my coffee while I was getting dressed. She made sure to pick up extra crunchy peanut butter from the store even though I’m the only person who likes it. We would have movie night twice a week with the kids and a date night to ourselves once a week. I have always had trouble sleeping, and I don’t want to take pills for it, so she always had the bed ready for me, a heating pad already turned on, and my pajamas on the bed. She would run her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep, and would wake me up herself instead of the alarm because she knew it put me in a better mood. None of which I asked for. She’s a good wife and wanted to because she knew that that’s what I liked, and she did it. She hasn’t done a 180, some of this is still true, af least it was until I cut down my hours, that was really when she stopped doing anything at all. And right now she’s pissed so I’m on the couch. Awake and regretful. Personally I think she’s stubborn. I don’t think she even really wants it. She just wants to prove that I would do it if she asks. She has a troubled history with men, and that’s why I tend to be forgiving when things do happen." Troubled history with men? "It’s not something I’m comfortable talking about. But believe me when I say. What happened, was not her fault." OOP is voted NTA Update Post: April 26, 2023 (6 days later) Title: How do I (38M) explain to/help my sons to understand their mother (30F) is going to Rehab. I have never been in a situation like this. I am a former addict myself, but I didn't have children then. See my last post for more clarification, (editor's note- I tried several different engines and search tactics, but couldn't find any other "last post" besides the AITA one) but the gist of it is that my wife and I recently had a blowout argument where she admitted to using two substances for several months, and has agreed to get checked into rehab, which we are currently setting up now. How the HELL do I bring this up to them, without them being judgmental or hateful to their mother? Or worse, falling into the same mental space I am in? I don't want to lie to them, which is what my wife wants, but I am failing to see an alternative that won't destroy them or the respect they have for their mother. I am swimming blind here, and I have barely slept since this all came out. Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance. Relevant Comments: I think it depends. What was she taking? "klonopin and adipex that she was buying from her friend. She also admitted to having tried coke and several other prescription narcotics, but those were the only two she did often." Was this the friend that turned her on to radical misandry? "Yes. Though it’s come to light that it wasn’t misandry she was being taught but flagrant drug usage. I have told her that she goes no contact with this friend or else she will be facing divorce along with everything else." How old are the kids? 9, 12, and 14. Update Post 2: April 30, 2023 (10 days from OG post) Title: I Yelled at my wife See my profile for details. But I was driving my wife to the rehabilitation center we decided on. On the way she was screaming at me. About how she can’t believe I’m humiliating her like this (explaining what was happening to the boys, and making her message her dealer/friend that they would not be hanging out or using together anymore) About how she doesn’t want to go, and that I am a controlling monster, and how threatening her with divorce and taking primary custody of the boys was too far and I was insane, and I just took it, and took it and took it, until I just couldn’t. And I screamed at her. I screamed that the woman I met would have rather died than had a pillhead junkie around her sons, and how she disgusted me, and that I don’t know if she knew how much I was considering leaving her not because of the addiction but the way she was fucking acting, like she hadn’t brought drugs into our home. Around me, a former addict myself, and around OUR BOYS. That I am beginning to hate her for doing that. That she was becoming exactly what she always cried about her mother being, and that she was lucky I was here to see it before what happened to her happened to her goddamned sons. It makes me sick to say but watching it sink in just how far she had spiraled felt good. Watching her realize that her actions have consequences was nice. She yelled a few more times, that I was an abusive asshole, or whatever, but she was still crying so I felt her heart wasn’t in it. I plan on speaking to a lawyer. I don’t want to divorce her, but I don’t know how healthy our relationship could possibly be after this. I know yelling like that was wrong, but I don’t feel bad. And that is the part that makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t be married to her anymore. For her sake and my own. I don’t know what else to do, and I’m so pissed that she detonated c-4 in every bit of our life. Relevant Comments: "I believe I’m going to have to divorce her. And it’s. Wrecking me. I don’t want to. I still love her, but I don’t know if I trust myself around her, and also not to use myself. I have been closer to relapsing this week than I ever have been." Update Post 3: May 12, 2023 (12 days from last post, 3 weeks from first post) Title: She was cheating Before you read, please know this is a vent post. I normally would never be like this but I am beyond okay and need to get this poison out of my head before I go anywhere else with it. She was fucking cheating. The drug dealing friend sent me fucking videos of her dancing and grinding on this ugly hick looking bastard. I am goddamned destroyed. The boys are staying with my mother for a few days, and I’m taking the next week off work. I am so done. I have never been so angry in my goddamned life. She was so goddamned smug sending it, “in case you don’t realize you’re replaceable to her.” well the free ride stops here. I hope she can get on Medicaid for her suboxone LMFAO. I'm done. I save the video immediately and I’m going to see a lawyer asap. I can’t tell anyone yet because I want to do this shit right. Thankful as FUCK my parents insisted on a prenup with what I at the time thought was an inhumane cheating clause. Never been cheated on before and I feel like tearing my goddamned hair out. I genuinely never thought she would turn out to be such a scummy piece of shit. I can not handle this. I am not physically able to handle this. I haven't been able to keep food down and I drank for the first time in over a decade last night. Then I woke up and had to pour the rest down the drain because I am about to spiral, and my boys don't need both mom and dad in rehab right now. I am so close to losing my goddamned mind. Also, believe what you want, but stop sending me private messages about how I should take down the posts or that posting about my personal relationship with my wife is wrong- please. Leave me be it will not work. This is the only place I can talk about this shit. Editor's note: OOP clarifies the kid situation/who is related to who "Two of my three sons are stepsons, but I adopted them, (they never had a father due to their bio dad being an absolute piece of shit) My biological son is the youngest and was born to a girlfriend who is not in the picture and doesn’t want to be. My sons are 9, 12, and 14. She had two jobs when I met her, though though were both shit jobs, and I had been looking into finding her a better one. When it comes to the dealer, she was getting the drugs from her friend who is a woman, and a few of the men who she cheated with." Update Post 4: July 19, 2023 (3 months from OG post) Title: My Soon to be ex-wife is in the hospital after a suicide attempt, and I feel like a monster. You can read my other posts for more context on what happened to get here, if you like, but the short of it is, I was blind to my wife’s addiction until she admitted it, and went to rehab, while she was in rehab, I was sent evidence that she had been cheating, often, and with more than one person. I have been working on filing for divorce, while she’s in rehab, not just for the cheating, but because with that on top of everything else, and myself nearly sinking back into my own addiction due to the stress of the situation, I couldn’t stand to even think of her anymore, and there’s no healthy relationship that has room for that mind set. I honestly didn’t want to be in a room with her again, to try mediation or counseling due to the fact that the last time I was alone with her I raised my voice, and at the time even felt she deserved it. (I of course now know that me doing that was terrible, and could be considered abuse, yet another reason I should not be in a relationship with this woman.) I moved all of her belongings to our guest room, minus the pills I found hidden in her beside table. I took pictures of those in their hiding spot then flushed them. I also removed her from my Bank account and credit cards. I spoke to my boys, explaining the situation without demonizing their mother to the best of my ability, and they seemed to understand I have no intention of abandoning them, and blood or not, they were my sons. Then she came home. The boys were, and still are away at camp, a birthday present paid for by my mother. She was quiet. Eyes on the ground after the moment I picked her up at the facility all the way home. Once we got home, I led her to the guest room silently, and she didn’t take it well, crying before she could even take the first step. Throughout the next couple weeks, I let her get settled, and though I stayed carefully neutral, I know she could tell something was coming, but I wanted to do be as fair as possible, and try to let her get used to being out before I said anything, as that was one thing I myself hated about when I left rehab, everything was flying at me so fast, I didn’t have time to breathe. Finally, I asked her to sit on the couch and I began explaining to her that I do not believe I can continue being married to her, and that I wanted divorce. I should have known her reaction was all wrong, she didn’t say anything at all, she only nodded, and cried quietly as I spoke, I explained that I did not intend to hurt her, but I could not be married to her anymore, and that maybe both of us should focus on being the best parents we can be. I told her I had no intentions of kicking her out, and that because of our prenup the divorce should be cut and dry, and she should be safe to begin looking for employment now, and once she has a job I will help her find an apartment. At this, she stood and walked to her room. I let her, because I thought she must have been overwhelmed, and this talk could wait. She didn’t come out at dinner time, and I weighed whether I should leave her alone or not. Eventually, I decided to knock on the door, and ask if she was hungry. Long story short. She had smuggled pills into my house somehow (or she had a stash I was unaware of), and had an overdose, and was dead for several minutes in the ambulance, and she’s in a medically induced coma, because the doctors aren’t sure exactly how much damage she’s done to her brain, from what they’ve said. I feel like an absolute monster. Like I am the scum of the earth. Like I should have just said nothing. Like I should have just dealt with it. Just. Held it in, and stayed. I am responsible for this and it kills me. I may not have the same love for her as I did, but I do feel so very sorry for everything she’s been through. It’s killing me. I haven’t told my sons yet, and I am debating waiting until they’re back from camp, so they can have a little more time without this on their minds on top of everything else. I am sorry for the grammar and such, I don’t have the energy to edit this, but wanted to get this off my chest. Relevant Comments: Where's her family? "Not my story to tell but she doesn’t have much family alive, and the ones who are she’s no contact with. She has other friends, but I don’t know which ones were enabling. They all know what’s going on, I messaged all her friends, except the dealer, though she knows now I know from messages she sent me. She hasn’t shown up to the hospital though, possibly because she thinks I would throw her out, which I would be tempted to do, to be entirely honest. A couple of her other friends visit all the time." "Yes, she’s no contact with her mother ironically because of her mothers addiction, and bad treatment of her. The rest constantly insisted she should see her mother, and two times even took her boys to her mothers house without her permission" One more clarification on the kids: "Yes, because all of our children are from previous relationships. I have adopted the two eldest, who aren’t mine biologically." Why he did it at that point: "I wanted to do it while she’s in rehab, but my therapist told me to reconsider so I did. I was so angry when I found out about the cheating I wanted to take her belongings to her dealers house and leave them there, but I knew that was wrong. I knew that once my anger wore off I would regret it. So now all I want to get the divorce started and overwith as soon as possible, so that I can begin trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. On top of that? I didn’t want to lead her on, and I could tell that she knew something was coming because I can’t even stand her touching me anymore, it makes me physically ill. If I had known she was going to kill herself I could have closed my eyes and grit my teeth, and let her do whatever, but honestly even now, after what she did, I know that isn’t feasible for me. I still found myself wanting to start fights, to yell, and I know that I am not a strong enough person to be in a relationship with someone who hurt me that much, who disrespected me, my home, and my children that much, who took my own past experiences with drugs into account so little that she brought them into my home, directly under the nose of myself and my children (pun intended). This is as much kindness as I can afford to extend to her anymore for my own mental healths sake." OOP's comments on July 24 (5 days later) "Not awake yet, I took the advice of some of the commenters, and went to go get my boys, to see if they wanted to see their mother, I explained the situation to the best of my ability, age-appropriate, and asked if they wanted to see her, they all agreed to see her eventually, but the eldest only wanted to go to support his brothers. I'm concerned about the anger he is building towards his mother, and I do intend to talk to him about it, but I also don't want to tell him how to feel, or tell him that his feelings are bad and wrong, I was already working to get them into therapy, but I'm going to expedite that." Cheating: "There have been multiple pictures/videos of her dancing on/being inappropriate with men since that post. I haven’t blocked the friend because she sent me a large amount of proof of infidelity, for the divorce. And in that post the hick she was dancing on was a man, perhaps you are confused because her woman friend sent the video? Perhaps my wording was bad, I apologize. And yes. I do know that trauma is the gateway to addiction, as I am an addict and my own CSA from my uncle and general abuse from both my parents (we went to counseling during my rehab and our relationship is much better now, but growing up was very bad). I cant say I know what made her start using, but I can say I know she had a rough childhood and even worse teen years. Editing to add; regardless of sexual identity if I found out my wife was engaging in sexual acts with women I would also consider it cheating?" "She was doing other sexually inappropriate things. But no, I didn't get any straight up sex tapes. I would rather not go into it further, but I think you can get my drift." *****Final Update Post: February 13, 2024 (7 months later)****\* Title: My Wife Is Dead My wife is dead. I haven't updated in a while, and I'm sorry. But, I'm sure you can guess why I wasn't feeling up to it. I know that everyone said that she was manipulating me or trying to make me stay with her, but honestly, even if that was the case, it didn't matter, because the moment she woke up we both started crying, and talking, and we didn't stop for days. She went back into rehab for a little while, came out and we did both Couples and solo therapy for both of us. She seemed happy. She seemed better, and I had hoped that the crazy was over, that we would just be happy again. I didn't update then because frankly, I was scared how everyone would react, I don't do well at getting yelled at. She promised me that if anything happened, if there was *anything* she needed to talk to me about she wouldn't hesitate. Everything was going well, and now when I ask myself if there were signs she would go back or that she never stopped the answer is NO. Nothing except the fact that she had an overdose at her friend's house while I was working and died on her couch. The friend didn't even want to call an ambulance, her boyfriend had to convince her to. I don't think either of them were arrested that day, but I know from the paper she was picked up a couple of months ago for selling. Everyone kept telling me to go to the police, and frankly, maybe I should have, but frankly, with the way the police act, it wouldn't do much good. Since then, I have been drifting terribly. I took up smoking again, something I quit before I got married because she hated the smell. I hate it now too, the smell, I mean, but the hand-to-mouth is nice. My sons are in therapy and are taking the loss as well as they could be expected to. The younger two talk about her a lot, but the eldest is mostly angry. I'm thankful he doesn't seem to want to say things to his brothers about it, but I always let him tell me anything he's thinking, even when it breaks my heart. I know that maybe everyone here has an idea of who my wife was, but one thing that you could never deny was how much she loved our boys. They were her pride and joy, absolutely everything to her. I miss her. I miss her so much it feels like a death rattle to breathe. There's never music when I get home anymore and I hate it. I hate the quiet so much that some days before I go inside I sit in the car and just cry because I know she won't be there. I haven't even been able to clean out her side of the bathroom yet, it hurts too much to think about getting rid of her perfume, or her toothbrush. I haven't felt like writing for obvious reasons but there's something that feels important now so I will. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. On the way home from work recently, I caught myself calculating flower prices, before I remembered that I have no one to give them to unless I put them on her grave. I remember being pissed off at how expensive roses were getting, and now that seems so silly. I just wanted to say, if you have someone you love, please cherish them. Do something extra nice for the person you love tomorrow, for my sake. Nothing crazy, but maybe you can dance around the living room to your song, or read to each other? Something soft, or good, to let them know you're real, and really, really there. I know that's so cliche and corny and if Alex were here now she would actively bully me, haha. But sadly, the old bastards were always right. Life *is* short. Isn't that a kick in the ass? Relevant Comments: Smoking: I know I should quit smoking, I don't do it in the house, because the smell really does make me sick after a while. I only really do it at night, or in the early mornings. I'm considering getting one of those "flavored air" ones that are going around, with no smoke or whatever, so I can keep the hand-to-mouth thing, which I like a lot, and missed. Not the best compromise, but it's something. Try widow support on reddit: I might, honestly, thank you. Any kind of emotional support right now is gonna be welcome. It's hard for me to be emotional around my boys because I hate to make them feel like they're ever in a position where *they* need to take care of *me*, (Poor kids have been through enough without me losing it) but I've been such a mess that they've caught me crying in my car more often than I'd like. Not to imply that I refuse to cry around them at all, just. I hate them seeing exactly how much of a wreck I am. Are you in therapy? I'm in therapy, but it's a long process, especially considering I'm a former addict myself. The entire situation has aged me a decade in a year. As someone who's dad went through similar shit: cry in front of them. It's ok. I can try. It just always makes me feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I always just think to myself "What are you doing? You're meant to be taking care of them, not the other way around." I hate to think that they ever feel the need to walk on eggshells around me because I'm too much of a wreck to handle something. I know that's a bad answer, but it's true. It just always comes around to the face that those are my boys and I am their dad. I am supposed to be stronger than this for them. And I don't mean to imply that crying is weak or wrong, I just don't know how to turn "Its okay to cry," into "It's okay *for me* to cry" in my head. Then of course I mostly mean now, after everything. At the funeral, there was no helping it, and for the first few days after that I was such a mess my parents came to stay with us because they were concerned I wasn't sleeping. This exchange (OOP and the commenter who wrote the above statement about crying:) Commenter: Yeah. You can’t help your feelings. But I am sure your little dude has feelings and when he sees you not exhibiting those same feelings he may think that those feelings are wrong. But that could be my own baggage. Do what you need to for yourself my dude. But that just stood out to me. OOP: Thank you, genuinely. I will keep that in mind. I hadn't fully considered that, if I'm being honest, but I can work on it. One last thought from OOP: Not defending her is so hard for me, but that was the first thing my therapist told me, when I asked about my sons. That defending her to them wasn't going to help, and that all I could do was let them talk. My eldest is the only one who really rages about it, but the younger two will eventually, I'm sure. I am also angry, in this helpless kind of way that hurts so bad I can't stand to think about it, because if she had just *talked to me* I could have helped her, and she would still be here. I am a former addict myself, and I know I made so many mistakes with my wife, but I swear it was like everything was so good again. We slept in the same bed again, and had dates. Everything in my mind just wants to scream and beg to know why she would do this and I can't. I hate it so much because I tried so very hard not to love her anymore when she was alive, and it didn't work then. I don't see myself doing any better now that she's gone. And it hurts even worse because when other people are mad, or say negative things *I still* want to defend her, to explain every little reason she had, and why it wasn't all her fault but in the end it doesn't even matter if I do because she is gone. She won't be here to reap the benefits of that defense, or even to care that I changed minds. She won't be here to be respected, or disrespected. It feels pointless, but I *still* want to and it makes me feel like a fucking moron. Editor's note: Most comments have been fine- thanks for that. But Jesus Christ some of you need to remember to keep it civil in the comments. OOP may read these, but beyond that I FUCKING READ THESE as do many others. No need to be fucking rejoicing that a woman is dead or telling him he's an idiot or deserved this for having an addiction previously. Or that addicts are the scum of the earth and deserve death. Wtf is wrong with you? And some of those comments are fucking upvoted? submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not OOP. This was originally posted by u/sillygooseiguess on r/TwoHotTakes. -- AITA for hating my husband's Mother's Day gift when I haven't received it yet? - 13 May, 2023 The day I'm writing this is the day before Mother's Day. I have spent the whole day (or week, more accurately) in and out of tears. I started reminding my husband about Mother's Day a month ago. I told him exactly what I wanted: one of those viral book bouquets with a couple of books from my wish list. I sent him screenshots of my TBR, and then again two weeks later as a way to remind him. The reason why I even reminded him so early is because he has a tendency to put things off until he forgets about them completely-- and unfortunately I think this is the case for a lot of heterosexual men. For my last birthday, we did absolutely nothing. He blamed it on the fact we were flying out to head home the next day-- but that was not for my birthday. That was for Christmas. And I didn't even want to fly home, HE did. The birthday before that, he wasn't even in town. He was on a dirt biking trip with his brothers. He didn't do anything with my reminders, my screenshots of my wish list. Did not buy any books. Has not bought anything at all, period. And it's the day before Mother's Day. To give him credit, he did talk to me a few nights ago about this "spa" that he found in our area I could choose a couple services from as his gift to me. The services offered were a couple of facials, brow treatments, or waxing options-- none of which I need or even remotely hinted at wanting to get done. I politely told him, "I'm sorry but don't think I need any of this." And he just kind of shrugged his shoulders and is now back at square one. Since he never bought me any books, I bought some for myself. The package came today, and when he asked what it was I told him it was my Mother's Day gift to myself since he never got them for me. He went into our bedroom and pouted, said nothing. I am so angry and so hurt. I have told him from the very beginning of our relationship that I refuse to end up in a marriage like my parent's, and that's exactly where we are headed. I wanted to avoid the cliché last-minute purchased flowers and candy so badly. And I would still try to appreciate them, if he even got them at this point. I was asking him if he had plans to go to the store some time today and he said he didn't. He's currently sitting on the couch beside me watching YouTube videos on his phone. I told him exactly what to do, exactly what I wanted, and he ignored it. I do not understand why. Why do I have to work so hard to get someone to show they care about me? To show they LIKE me? I truly am so confused, so heartbroken. All I know is, I WILL be keeping the same energy for Father's Day.So, AITA for hating my Mother's Day gift even when I have yet to receive it? EDIT: For those asking, we have a one-year-old son. Also for those stating my husband shouldn't need to get me anything or do anything for me since I'm not his mom, what's our one-year-old supposed to do? Shit in my hand? There is absolutely wrong with a husband showing appreciation towards the woman that's working hard to raise his kids. EDIT #2: For the people who clearly see the underlying message here, thank you. Despite the literal title of my post, at the end of the day, this is NOT about materialistic gifts. It's about effort and showing gratitude. Sorry for those of you who do not see that in this post. I understand not everyone reads through the comments, so I will add this here as well: I would love anything— breakfast in bed, crumbl cookies, a clean house, a day to myself, a homemade card, whatever. The only reason why I’m “upset” over a “gift” is because I thought getting me a gift would be the easiest thing for him to do in our situation. (Since our kid is so young and we don't have any family/help around since we moved away.) I laid it out for him completely and he still did nothing. Granted, there is still time. He could pull something out last minute. I’m just really in my feelings right now. Made a post out of anger. EDIT #3: A few more things: I’m so sorry there are so many of you that can relate. There are quite a few people getting hung up on his spa attempt. Maybe I should go into more detail. He had not booked anything yet. If he had gone ahead and did it, I would have gone and been totally fine with it. But when he told me he was thinking about doing something like that, he was asking what I would want to get done at that particular place. I told him my honest opinion, that I didn’t want any of it. I really didn’t think so many people would get hung up on that shred of detail, but you’re clearly missing the bigger picture here, in my opinion. You’re really just picking and choosing what you want to read. It was a last-minute offer. It wasn’t thoughtful, it was a quick google search. Why would I want him to spend hundreds of dollars on something I didn’t want in the first place? Especially when a couple of stupid books are 10x cheaper. The heterosexual men comment was sexist and I apologize for hurting anybody’s feelings with that take. I should clarify that is the norm for the men in my life to be forgetful and to not be grateful for the women in their lives. My husband did not start out this way. While we were dating/engaged he was very thoughtful in so many ways. Maybe becoming parents is what flipped the switch.I will post an update tomorrow but my hopes are not high. I’m thinking of turning off comments because this has gotten bigger than I expected and it’s getting a little overwhelming, but for those of you that have been kind regardless of your stance, thank you. Truly. -- UPDATE - 14 May, 2023 For those of you that said I’d feel stupid the next day, you were right. I do feel stupid. I feel stupid for ever thinking that my husband would try to give me the same treatment that I give to him on his special holidays. I feel stupid for laying out a step-by-step process for him to take the pressure off of finding me a gift, and then have him completely disregard it. I feel stupid for begging someone to show me they appreciate my efforts to raise our child, manage a household, and devote 100% of my time and energy into our family. The only thing different about today was that he put up our window blinds— something that I’d been asking him to do since we moved into our new house four months ago. Guess that counts for something. There were a lot of people concerned about what I do for him on Father’s Day & birthdays. For Father’s Day last year I planned a 2-day camping trip at his favorite cabin site and rented jet skis and prepped all of his favorite camp meals. For his birthdays I make him a dessert and a dinner from scratch every year unless he wants to go out, and we do everything else he wants. I’ve get him tools he’s been talking about wanting, I’ve gotten him new clothing items and shoes that he wants replaced, I get him things that go along with the hobbies he’s taking interest in. Bottom line, I put in too much effort to receive less than the bare minimum in return. I don’t give a shit if that makes me a “narcissist” or “materialistic” or “selfish” or “self absorbed” as a lot of you have called me in my messages. I deserve a partner that fucking cares. I deserve a partner that takes note of my interests and makes me feel listened to and respected. I deserve a partner that shows me through their actions how much I matter to them. Not with some what-if bullshit about fucking spa treatments. My kid deserves a better role model than that. Better yet, my kids future SPOUSE deserves a better role model than that. I think it’s funny how there were comments saying “just wait for tomorrow, maybe he’ll surprise you” as if I didn’t know this would be the outcome. As if I hadn’t been reminding him for a month in advance to avoid this. As if the pattern of him dismissing my days to feel special wasn’t a common pattern. And no, I didn’t marry him and trap him with a baby because I thought he’d suddenly change. He did change, but only because he used to be so thoughtful and sweet before. While we were dating and engaged, he always did so much for me and made me feel so loved. I don’t know why that has changed. Maybe parenting has taken a larger toll on our relationship than I thought. I really don’t know. For the others that have gone through this same situation, thank you for your kindness and support and your love. I appreciate it all so much. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, if that’s applicable to you. ❤️ As for me, I’m spending my Mother’s Day having a very long conversation about what we should do next. EDIT: Already adding an edit because I can already see these kinds of comments coming— I am not demanding or expecting my husband to go all out for me in return of what I do for him. What I DO expect is some real, genuine effort. EDIT #2: Just one final blurb before I go. I can’t help but notice how the majority of the people who are tearing apart what I’ve said word for word, name-calling, sending me vile hate messages and threats, critiquing how I reacted, or telling me I don’t deserve to be treated well are predominantly male. The irony is hysterical. -- REMINDER: I am not OOP submitted by /u/rickysayshey to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not the OOP. OOP is u/Throwaway-hurt-wife. Special shoutout to u/orphan_izzy for linking this in this month's Looking for a Post? post! "Letter to my husband. I hope you read this." posted June 20th, 2021 Throw away account for obvious reasons. You’ve posted several times in this sub complaining that I don’t fuck you enough. You post that I shrink away from your touch and you just DoNt KnOw WhAt To Do AnYmOrE? Instead of complaining to internet strangers and making me seem like a frigid bitch who “might have some childhood trauma regarding sex”, (which isn’t even true??? What is wrong with you?!) maybe you should try looking inward. Do you think it’s maybe because you refuse to help me clean? Do you think it’s maybe because of the fact that whenever I ask for your help you tell me “well you do it better than me” or “maybe later”? Or the fact that at least once a month you yell at me for not making the food correctly? Do you think it’s due to the fact that you never once woke up at night for the babies and would yell at me when one of them woke you up crying? Or because of the fact that across 3 kids you’ve changed MAYBE 5 diapers total? Do you think it’s because you refuse to spend any time at all with me and the kids? I can’t even remember the last time you took me on a date night. I stopped asking 2 years ago when you didn’t even get me a card for my birthday. YOU actually woke ME up on my birthday to yell at me that our son had thrown up all over his bed and I didn’t clean it? IF YOU WERE AWAKE AND I WASNT MAYBE JUST DO IT YOURSELF??!!! Do you think it’s because the only time you try to fuck me is after I’m already asleep? Do you think it’s because of the fact that over the last 3 years you haven’t even TRIED to make me cum? Or that you threw away my vibrator because I “shouldn’t have anything except my husband inside of me”? Or maybe because you keep asking me for certain sex acts you know make me extremely uncomfortable? Do you think maybe it’s the fact that after the last 3 times we had sex you’ve made rude comments about my “extra flab” and stretch marks? Or maybe was it the time that I bought lingerie and you laughed and said I should’ve gotten a larger size? Or maybe last year for Christmas when I said it would be fun to go to a cabin in the snow just us for my birthday you instead got me personal training sessions and told me “this will help with my attraction”? Do you think it’s because of the fact you constantly talk about how hot your new coworker is? Or the fact that you go to a strip club almost ever Friday after work instead of spending time with your wives and kids? Please explain to me why I would WANT to have sex with you. WHY. When the only times we do have sex it lasts 3 minutes and afterwards you just roll over and tell me to get myself off. HOW CAN I WHEN YOU THROW AWAY MY VIBRATORS?! Maybe instead of coming to Reddit and making me seem like the bad guy, FIX YOURSELF FIRST. FUCK YOU. Words don’t describe the contempt I feel for you after finding your multiple posts across different subs about how I hate sex and am “possibly asexual”. I love sex. I used to have good sex. I miss it. I don’t miss you anymore. I hope you fucking read this. Don’t believe everything you read here people. There’s always another side. And to all the men complaining here that their wives don’t fuck them enough, maybe stop to consider the fact that YOU might be the issue. Rant over. Edit: a few people have messaged me about the cleaning portion of this post. We both work full time jobs so it’s not like I’m home all day and should be taking care of it. "Letter to my husband. I hope you read this. Update" posted July 10th, 2021 He read the post. He disagreed with everything I said and we have been living apart since he screen shot my post and asked if it was about him. The gust of it is that He thinks that I don’t put enough effort into being physically attractive to him so in his mind it’s okay to not put effort into sex and want to cheat. “Men are visual creatures.” He thinks that he should be able to experience everything he wants sexually even if I don’t want it because I’m his wife and it’s my obligation to keep him happy. That was shocking to hear. This is not the man I married. We are going through with divorce and I couldn’t be happier. My life is infinitely easier without him in it. Sorry if this is anti-climatic, I don’t really have the energy to type out everything that happened. Maybe I will someday. I’m currently getting ready for a custody battle because he said he would get full custody and never let me see the kids. I truly didn’t think my post would get as much attention as it did, I wrote it out of anger. Thank you to everyone who commented and reached out privately. You gave me the confidence to go through with the divorce. "Letter to my husband. I hope you see this. Update 1 year later." posted Oct 30th, 2022 Sorry if this is not a great update. We divorced. He gets the kids weekends only which has left me with a lot of free time. I have been going on dates and met a lovely man who is incredible in bed. I feel so sexy again. :) My ex has asked to reconcile a few times and I heard through the grapevine of mutual friends that he has been complaining about single life. Lol. Just wanted to say life gets better. This will probably be my last update on the matter. Hope you all are well and thank you again for all the kind words and support while I was at my lowest. Once more: I am not the OOP! Edit: OOP has made several comments in this thread! Hey thanks everyone :) I’m still super happy and the kids have adjusted great! I happened to randomly scroll on Reddit today and saw my own username on this subreddit! Lol u/JimmyJonJackson420 This was an amazing update OOP I hope your thriving girl OOP: I am 😊 u/magical_elf Good for her. Although sometimes I wonder why you'd have another 2 kids with someone when they don't help with the first. He's not magically going to start helping. Unless they were triplets of course. OOP: I was delusional honestly. I thought I was being the perfect wife and mother by taking care of everything. That was how it was with a lot of the women I grew up around. I guess resentment and reality just start to set in after awhile. The sex wasn’t always bad with him. At the beginning it was good and we both got off. I can’t exactly pinpoint when he decided to give up u/Corfiz74 I really wish we could dig up the husband's posts, and ask him how the single life is treating him. 😂😂 OOP: He tried to ask the hot coworker out lol she didn’t know we were divorcing so she sent me a screenshot on Facebook where she turned him down and basically said “ew I would never date someone like you” lol submitted by /u/EllieDai to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

submitted by /u/avocaline to r/pointlesslygendered [link] [comments]