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Bloons TD 6 v55.0 - Update Notes!
Fabulous Secret Powers Available now for most platforms, please restart your storefront or be patient if it does not appear for you, these updates can take some time to be rolled out to every region due to how the storefronts are set up. Update Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Uweu4vFds New Awesome New Hero & Skin Introduction As the final piece of our collaboration with Mattel, we are excited to welcome the newest Hero - He-Man, the most powerful man (err, Monkey) in the universe! As all well-versed Masters of the Universe fans know, He-Man is the alter ego of the noble Adam, Prince of Eternia. While He-Man is the eponymous hero, Prince Adam plays a huge role in the classic and more recent cartoons, so we went above and beyond to create 2 heroes in one with distinct attacks and abilities and the ability to transform between them! Prince Adam is always the deployed hero, who attacks quickly as a large melee style sword wielder and is immune to negative effects like Stuns from Bloons or Bosses. But you don’t have to wait long (or at all with the right Knowledge), as the real magic happens at level 3 when he unlocks his iconic Transformation ability, allowing him to hold aloft his magic sword and swap to his super-powered alter ego who trades the attack speed for sheer devastating damage, by the power of Grayskull! Now as many of you know from community discussions on She-Ra and Skeletor, the Mattel items must be presented as in-app purchases (IAPs) to fulfill our license obligations and do justice to this awesome, long-standing He-Man universe. We feel this full hero does that justice, and brings fun and exciting new mechanics that we want to make sure can be fairly used in all of our events and competitive modes. After much discussion, we made the only logical and (in)sane conclusion - instead of doing 2 heroes in 1, let’s do 4 heroes in 1! So we’re also introducing the noble Monkey of the Court, Dan D’Monke, and his secret identity, The Masqued Macaque! Technically identical for game balance but with entirely different 3d models, animations, descriptions, and voiceovers, Dan D’Monke fills the base Hero position on which the He-Man skin is applied, just as Adora and Obyn provide the base for She-Ra and Skeletor. To support the release of the major motion picture release of He-Man, we are presenting the He-Man and Dan D’Monke bundle pack exclusively for 2 weeks only upon release of v55. After two weeks, Dan D’Monke will become available for Monkey Money purchase like any other Hero. Until Dan D’Monke is available for Monkey Money unlock, he will not be enabled in any events or competitive modes. The Hero & Abilities Level 3 Transformation - Activation will blast nearby Bloons with crackling lightning and leave a short lingering attack speed bonus while swapping him back and forth between a quick supportive base form and a solo wrecking ball with alternate attacks and abilities. Level 7 Strategically allows another target tower to be teleported to another location. But when he’s transformed, he takes matters into his own hands and leaps across the battlefield to smash down at the target location himself in a devastating, stunning impact. Level 10 Ability rallies nearby towers, inspires them to shrug off negative Bloon effects and deal increased damage for a short time (at the cost of a slower attack speed) and the cry even activates the effects of passive abilities in radius as if a life were just lost. While transformed however he unleashes a Berserk Warcry that sends him into a hyper-speed frenzy, dashing wildly between Bloons across a huge range, shredding them into confetti (that you definitely shouldn’t let your cats play with). Hero Ultimate Survival Kit While certain attacks and effects are limited to one form or the other, this hero is tough as nails built to survive the densest Bloon rushes. Some of the mechanics that make this work are: the Net Trap catches and slows small groups of Bloons, the Magic Barrier where escaping Bloons cause a magical shield to burst out from the exit to reduce lives lost while shoving the Bloons back and stunning them, Taunt & Stomp to distract and reduce the damage of Bloons or confuse and scatter them, the Quick Thinking (pensive cooldown) clutch mechanic distracts Bloons on the verge of escape backwards, and First Aid will completely heal any damage from a leaked Bloon (assuming you survive the hit!) but only at a rate of 1 life healed per second for only one Bloon at a time - so try not to get hurt again until the healing is done! At the highest levels Mana Shield is generated just from popping Bloons, and his damage scales up the tougher the Bloon threat and the further they are through the track! As noted before, He-Man & Dan D’Monke can be obtained from the He-Man Booster Pack, He-Man Prestige Pack or the new Masters of the Universe Mega Pack which contains the entire set of the Mattel collab items. He-man comes with his own absolute secret Banner & Avatar ඞ Not to be forgotten, this bundle will also give a New Power - The Sword of Power. Throw the Sword of Power into the ground where it pulses periodically, generating Mana Shield and dealing damage while sending Bloons backwards. For the Power’s duration, both He-Man & She-Ra attack faster New Beginner Map - Skull Tweak The Iconic Skull from the legendary Skull Peak in Bloons TD5 makes a triumphant return, though slightly tweaked, who would’ve guessed it hadn’t yet reached its true peak? Originally a community made winning submission by Adriano Rossi released in 2014, this fan-favourite battlefield retains its classic layout, complete with rocky cliffside walls, deep fissures and Tim. Seeing this classic map come to life in a modern Bloons 3D setting is super rad! New Quests Another Path on the Park - A normal game of Bloons on Park Path. Except there’s another path for the Bloons to follow! Middle of the Wild West - Middle of the Road against some wild, rampagin’ Bloons. Join a Posse of Monkeys and try to win with reduced income Primary Power Pairs - Use Primary Monkeys to beat Underground with the Tier 5 limit increased by 1 for all paths! He-Man Has the Power! - Help He-Man and She-Ra save the day New Trophy Store Items Monkeys: OG Wind Up Dart Monkey pet for the Dart Monkey Game & UI: Classic Ninja Avatar, Classic Dart Monkey Avatar, Classic Monkey Ace Avatar, Wistful Quincy profile banner New CT Team Store items Building Props: JuiceBar Base Props: Sandcastle, Icecream monkey, Beach Umbrella, Volleyball Net, Monkey Drinking Coconut Water Props: Lifeboat, Swimming Monkey, Shark… Flying Props: Paragliding Monkey, Seagull Team Banners: PArty Hands banner Icons: Snoozing Cat icon, Fortified Castle icon Frames: New Scroll frame Social Seasons Social Season #2 is coming up, aiming for late June-early July, and we’re excited about the changes that we’ve made based on our own play experiences and community feedback. Right off the bat, we agree there were too many ‘win games’ goals for the first season. We had already done a significant pare back of target numbers and repeat tasks, but the goals released in Season #1 were still more of a time investment than intended, especially for players who were not setting up their games to make progress on 2 or more goals at the same time. Season #2’s goals have been designed to reduce the time investment overall and also to help players make progress on multiple goals at once. Our hope for Social Seasons continues to be that we’re providing fun, themed events with cool Perk and Global rewards that also provide reasons to mix up your normal play and try new builds. More details: For any ‘Win Games’ goal no single tier asks for more than 5-10 game wins Season #2 goals list has a more varied tasks and more tasks that can be mixed together with others for those who like to plan out simultaneous task clearing with the fewest games possible An indicator will now display when you have hit your daily contribution to global goals Season #2 has 7 new Perks, including Global Jungle Drums & a Monkey Super Star Of course, a new exclusive to Social Seasons Banner & Pet have been created for the Global rewards Theme hint: moustache Bug Fixes & General Changes A number of localization & ui fixes Resolved a number of minor analytic mis-counts found from Social Seasons Odyssey Completion screen should now show the icon for the difficulty you beat Resolved an issue with round budget generation in Apopaylpse / Freeplay rounds Resolved issues with some towers double dipping certain Monkey Knowledge points The ‘session token is invalid’ error popup now offers a "Logout" option to work around Review Map should no longer hide the Social Seasons button from the end-game screen Resolved a Dev build issue where if Quincy was level 7 at the start of round 25 - BOOM [Co-op] Moved the Home button on the Rejoining screen to prevent accidents [Powers] Hype Boost Monkey accuracy bonus no longer buffs 360° attacks [Powers] Tech Bot Primes with Abilities can now be targeted by other Techbots [Powers] xx3 Tech Bot Prime ability radius now increases with increases to tower range [Powers] Tech Bot & Prime’s Link or Unlink abilities no longer count as abilities used [Powers] Resolved a crash that would occur when placing a xx3 Techbot Prime, and then placing the other T3 Techbot Primes Event changes [Social Season] Resolved a conflict between multiple Social Season Medals [Social Season] The global progress bar now swaps to display Team progress when full [Boss Rush] Bloonarius should properly Bleed Bloons in Rush. If it bleeds we can pop it. [Boss Event] The projectile clear on Boss Spawn & End of Round should now properly destroy projectiles rather than expiring them, which will prevent Sub-Projectile spawns [Diamondback] Resolved a game crash that would occur in any game upon losing the first life of the game while using an ambidextrous 052 Boomerange monkey [Diamondback] No longer completely blocks abilities with ‘max pierce’ [Lych] Corrected the Boss Roundset within Boss Challenge mode [Lych] Skull damage thresholds should now work again Map Specific changes [Dark Castle] Removables should properly restore on map restart [Adora’s Temple] Should no longer layer track items inside the temple in some areas [Infernal] Resolved a visual issue with the background assets [Figgens Creek] Hasn’t been found. Still doesn’t exist. Legends changes [Frontier] Temporary Traits 'remaining rounds' countdown should now live update [Frontier] Frontier Bloons now list below all others in Sandbox & only after being seen [Frontier] Temporary Traits boosting Bananite now work on Bannite Clusters & Chests [Frontier] When already at full stamina, fishing will no longer play ‘Stamina Recovering’ [Rogue] Power Nexus and Master of All Trades artifacts should apply correctly together [Rogue] The Slipped on the Peel Artifact no longer slows Bloons on Zebra Bloon Tiles [Rogue] Resolved an issue with some Artifact produced projectiles not scaling in size [Rogue] Bloons on Zebra Bloon Tiles now benefit from Freeplay Speed modifiers [Rogue] The Tit for Tat Artifact will now speed up Bloons on Zebra Bloon Tiles [Rogue] Bargaining Chip no longer costs more to purchase from merchants [Rogue] All bosses should use their Elite Appearance in late stages [Rogue] Optimizations made to legends save files Tower Specific Fixes Desperado - A weapon swap bug that no longer matters as weapon swap was changed Super Monkey - Resolved an issue with temple not saving its full discount buff Super Monkey - Resolved a visual placement issue with the temple’s creation animation Ninja Monkey - Resolved an issue where x5x Grand Sabotage ability could be buffed Alchemist - Resolved an issue with some transformed towers losing Camo detection Alchemist - Alchemist Popssum pet can now be muted Druid - Projectile spread can now be buffed by Accuracy improvements Druid - Paragon should no longer consume cash while in Review Mode Druid - Should no longer be able to count. Themselves for Poplust buff during placement Mermonkey - xx5 Final Harmonic should no longer sometimes lose its hero buff Monkey Village - Resolved a minor verbal dispute with Striker Jones Beast Handler - Can no longer give a Merge button to Pro Farmers Hero Specific Fixes Quincy - just lost the game Gwendolin - No longer loses her extra projectiles after being buffed after loading a save Striker Jones - Should no longer cause x4x Bomb Shooters to not get the cooldown buff from 4xx Monkey Villages Geraldo - Glue is no longer invisible if placed at the top of a map Corvus - Resolved an issue where Camo Detection did not apply to the Repel Spell Platform Specific fixes [Netflix] Resolved a crash that could occur when loading Cloud Save mid-game Balance Changes Boomerang Monkey With 052 Permacharge much preferred due to the ease of obtaining pierce externally, we have moved the ability’s extra damage bonus from crosspath into the base upgrade so that 250 can be more competitive x5x Permacharge ability damage bonus increased 8 > 10 052 Permacharge ability damage bonus remains 10 Bomb Shooter Bomb Paragon is in a spot it seems to perform well, but it still doesn’t see a good spotlight in boss events so we’ve scaled up the Boss Bonuses with a bump in price. Main attack boss damage 2500 > 3500 Primary Cluster boss damage 1000 > 1250 Recursive Cluster boss damage 500 > 600 Paragon upgrade price 600k > 650k Glue Gunner With the 240 crosspath now providing MOAB Layer soaking, Glue Strike’s base ability will last through more layers before wearing off, but with a slower cooldown to match the T5 which already sits at a 40s cooldown. x4x Glue Strike layers glued by ability 3 > 5 x4x Glue Strike ability cooldown 30s > 40s Desperado Mid-path desperado’s pistol was intended to be a soft ‘minimum range’, but implementation was confusing and frustrating to use, somehow again right after Wolfy’s recent struggles (fun videos those), we decided to work on improving the first timer's desperado experience for this path. The Rifle weapon will now always take priority and shoot first over the pistol if there are targets within Rifle radius, HOWEVER, pistol range is now a true deadzone that the rifle cannot target within. TLDR; The pistol now attacks when there are only Bloons within the pistol radius and nothing in the rifle radius. x3x Rifle takes priority on attacks but cannot target Bloons inside pistol radius x3x Pistol range is now capped and will not scale with range buffs x3x Pistol range increased from 28 > 40 Monkey Buccaneer Buccaneer’s Merchantmen path will now gain a damage bonus based on how much spare cash you have on-hand. This introduces a fun trade-off where you can choose to hold onto cash for a combat boost at the cost of losing advantage from immediately snowballing into more economy. It’s kinda neat xx3 Merchantman with cash above $10,000 damage +100% xx4 Favoured Trades with cash above $10,000 damage +100% xx4 Favoured Trades with cash above $50,000 damage +200% Monkey Ace Spectre was making the save-up into into a Flying Fortress too effortless so it’s single target power has been lowered with a raised upgrade cost, enough to make this not quite so easy xx4 Spectre Frontal Bombs bonus to Ceramic reduced 5 > 4 xx4 Spectre Frontal darts damage reduced 8 > 6 xx5 Flying Fortress Frontal darts damage reduced 8 > 6 xx5 Flying Fortress price increased $85,000 > $90,000 Wizard Monkey The Wizard Paragon's Metamorph form bonus Boss damage from the main flamethrower attack has been reduced as it overperforms even without overclocking Flamethrower Boss bonus damage reduced from 1000 > 800 Druid The Monarch’s Superstorm re-hitting has felt like a success though it over-buffed single target performance while over-nerfing the blowback due to rapid pierce consumption, so we are scaling back the damage but reducing pierce penalties to balance this out. Additionally, to reduce game lag from attack speed double-dipping, the Druid Paragon's Vinenado cooldown has been increased, while its economy has been buffed with higher base income and a stronger Boss Skull multiplier - though we don’t want to quickly jump into making this easily self-sustaining the Boss Skulls in particular should now grant 5x the cash they did previously. Monarch of Storms 5xx storm damage 150 > 100 5xx Superstorm attack MOAB Penalty 4 > 2 5xx Superstorm attack BFB Penalty 14 > 8 5xx Superstorm attack DDT Penalty 7 > 6 5xx Superstorm attack ZOMG Penalty 44 > 32 (Paragon) Vinenado attack cooldown 6s > 18s (Paragon) Base Cash Generation 120 > 240 (Paragon) Bonus Cash Generation from farm tiers doubled (Paragon) Bonus Cash Generation from T5 farms doubled again (Paragon) Cash Generation multiplier for Boss Skulls 2x > 2.5x (total 5x) Spike Factory It was a day like any other. Waiting behind the front lines, ready for an attack, sat a lone "Long Life Spikes" factory. Sitting there, alone, the tower thought to itself "Is this all I have? Is this all I am? A machine meant to destroy these floating fools if they break through our defenses? Is my purpose only to sit here as backup? I want glory. I want power!" Alas, this was something it had thought about many times, though not once had it ever even seen a Bloon. This was the life given to those who defended the Monkey Meadows. As time went on, the lone factory grew older. One day, while minding its own business, it noticed something coming along the road… There it was, a single floating red Bloon. The Long Life Spikes instinctively prepared its spikes and finally claimed its first pop. While overjoyed by the accomplishment, that joy soon turned to dread at the sight of countless more Bloons following in the rounds ahead. "What is happening on the front lines?" it muttered to itself. "Was Ryan AFK? No matter, I must stand my ground!" And so countless rounds went by as the factory popped more and more Bloons… No longer just red, but innumerable variations of blue, green, yellow, and even pink. After some time, the small factory realised it could not keep up spike production at this pace, it needed more power, but felt totally helpless. Just as its last spikes were being destroyed and the end seemed near, it happened. Something shifted inside. "Long Life Spikes" blinked for the last time, and when its eyes reopened, "Deadly Spikes" was born. With ruthless efficiency, it tore through the incoming wave with ease. After a few more rounds of chaos, it seemed the situation on the front lines had stabilized. For the first time since its awakening, it was able to cover the area with a pile of iron, 30 feet high! "I will stand my ground till the very end.” it vowed. “I will not let a single Bloon pass." Many, many more rounds passed. Every now and then the Bloons would return, and every time Deadly Spikes stood proud and victorious. No longer fighting mere Bloons, it now faced off against massive MOABs with pride. Despite its newfound strength, feelings of dread began to grow as the rounds progressed. Its defences became increasingly easy for the Bloons to break through. Deadly Spikes knew something was coming… something big, something B.A.D. It began preparing for the worst, modifying itself into the ultimate machine. Amidst the constant onslaught, a transformation occurred. With beautiful gleaming yellow paint and spikes sparkling with raw power, "Perma-Spike" was born. Empowered and fearless, all its past worries faded into a distant memory; this was its duty, and the Bloons were nothing but fodder against it now. It waited, bolstering its defences, and waited more. After an uncomfortably small number of rounds, it arrived: A monstrous abomination of purple rubber, something akin to an eldritch horror. Yet, despite the abomination slowly floating forward, Perma-Spike knew. Thinking back to the question it had asked itself as a lowly "Long Life Spikes," it finally understood: "This... this is the reason I was created. This is my purpose, and I will not back down." And that is exactly what it did. Despite the ruthless assault from the Big Airship of Doom, Perma-Spike stood strong, eliminating every layer. After popping the very last red Bloon from the now-deflated B.A.D., the entire world fell silent. Standing there, looking down at the fields of rubber, "Perma-Spike" looked towards the sky. xx5 Permaspike Unyielding. xx5 Permaspike Undefeated. xx5 Permaspike unchanged Engineer Oh yea we have one more tower balance change. As the Engineer paragon moves to a more supportive role, we are toning down the direct boss damage and attack speed but also lowering the upgrade cost. Main attack Boss Damage: 300 > 100 Main attack rate: 1.5s > 2s Upgrade cost reduced: 650k > 600k Hero Balance Captain Churchill For additional synergy potential, Churchill’s long list for damage bonuses will now include Stunned Bloons! Lv15 Now Canonically deals bonus damage to Stunned Bloons +4 Lv15 Machine Gun bonus damage to Stunned as well +2 Pat Fusty To smooth out Pat’s levelling progression, we’ve increased range earlier, added an extra mid-game damage step for Rallying Roar, increased his late-game pierce, and at Level 20 the Big Squeeze hug also hits the surrounding area with a powerful stun to provide leeway during Pat’s crush downtime. Lv1 tower range 24 > 27 Lv9 tower range 27 > 30 Lv16 tower range 29 > 30 Lv9 increases Rallying Roar damage buff 1 > 2 Lv15 Also increases base attack pierce 20 > 30 Lv18 pierce increase 30 > 40 Lv20 Big Squeeze also deals a stun AoE to the area when used 5s Adora Since Adora’s final form was hurt by recent Overclock changes, we’ve buffed her Lv20 Ball of Light damage and just fun further boosted her True Adora form. Adora 20 ball of light damage 15 > 20 Adora 20 ball of light fortified damage +15 > +20 True Adora Form damage boost 8 > 24 True Adora Form BoL damage boost 72 > 180 Powers Hype Monkey Boost monkey money cost 400 > 300 Hype Monkey Boost buff radius 30 > 45 Tech Bot Prime monkey money cost 100 > 150 xx3 Super Monkey Beacon permanent increase per use 10% > 25% xx3 Super Monkey Beacon damage max increase stacks 100x > 150x xx1 Banana Farmer Pro also reduces upgrade cost of T1-3 Farms by per stack by 2% Sword of Protection grants He-Man and She-Ra faster ability cooldown while active Bosses Diamondback Tail HP > 12.5% > 10% [Boss Rush] Diamondback Tail HP 125 > 150 [Boss Rush] Blastapopoulos starting cash $2000 > 2500 [Boss Rush] Lych starting cash $2000 > 2500 Lych Undead MOAB: Leak Damage 200 > 70 Lych Undead MOAB: Base speed 25 > 20 Lych Soul Tier 1: Health 1000 > 750 Lych Soul Tier 1: Speed 18 > 17 Lych Soul Tier 1: Lych Souls 3 > 2 Lych Soul Elite Tier 1: Health 1600 > 1400 Lych Soul Elite Tier 1: Speed 23 > 21 [Boss Rush] Lych Tombstone Starting Health: 100 > 50 [Boss Rush] Lych Undead Moab starting health: 50 > 40 [Boss Rush] Lych Undead BFB starting health: 100 > 90 [Boss Rush] Lych Undead ZOMG starting health: 150 > 130 [Boss Rush] Lych Soul Starting health: 150 > 140 Rogue Rogue Artifact: Charismatic Leader allows for additional recruitments at every campfire New Rogue Boosts: Sword of Protection, Hype Boost Monkey, Techbot Pro Map category thresholds have been tweaked by stage to push Expert maps further back Stage 2 Beginner 45% > 50% Stage 2 Expert 5% > 0% Stage 3 Beginner 25% > 30% Stage 3 Expert 15% > 10% Stage 4+ unchanged submitted by /u/rohan_spibo to r/btd6 [link] [comments]
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r/btd6 |
rohan_spibo |
Jun 3, 2026 |
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I'm a 45yo who hasn't watched rated R horror movies until this month. I watched one a day and ranked them.
I'm 45 and have watched almost no rated R horror movies before (with a few exceptions, like Silence of the Lambs and Alien/Aliens). For most of my life I've been too afraid to watch horror movies generally, and the idea of R rated level violence and scares have kept me away. This month I decided to change that, and for a Halloween challenge I've watched one horror movie for each day in October (I wasn't exact, some days I missed and others I watched a couple, but for the most part I kept my schedule). I tried to pick culturally significant horror movies. After watching each one, I reviewed and ranked them. I decided to give a one to ten number rating each movie's scare value (S), how disturbing (disgusting or revolting imagery, actions or themes) the movie is (D), and how fun the movie is to watch (F). Lastly, I ranked them in order of my least to most favorite movie overall. I considered overall quality and not necessarily the S, D and F ratings to make my final rankings at the bottom of the post. I'm interested in feedback and would love to see others rank these movies as well! Minor spoilers in the reviews. Oct 1st: Halloween 2018. Solid soundtrack, Jamie Lee Curtis forever! I enjoyed the revenge plot and the cat and mouse play. Entertaining, but a bit ridiculous. I had a great time, but this isn't high minded stuff. I realize now that I probably should have watched the original first. S 3, D 4, F 8. Oct 2nd: The Blair Witch Project. I feel like this was only a hit because it pulled off the hand held faux docu-movie in a way that fooled the public because it was relatively unique at the time. I was bored, and not scared. Maybe it would have been different if I'd watched it in 1999 and thought it was an actual documentary. S 2, D 1, F 1. Oct 3rd: The Witch. Eggers clearly has a style (I've seen The Northman). This was creepy and engaging, and had some real gross and memorable scenes, especially involving children and an infant. I feel like the ending didn't pack as much of a wallop as the build-up seemed to promise, although it still hit well enough with a memorable closing shot. Eggers clearly was going for arthouse horror and succeeded. Also, thank you for bringing us Anya Taylor-Joy. S 6, D 8, F 4. Oct 4th: Nightmare on Elm Street. Eighties camp, here we are. Disco electronica soundtrack, Johnny Depp's massive blood volume, and a memorable but not that scary villain. Didn't age incredibly well, but fun for what it is. S 3, D 4, F 6. Oct 5th: Friday the 13th. This one was kinda dumb. Maybe the sequels are better, since I suppose they have more Jason. But I did get to see Kevin Bacon get an arrow slow-pushed through his cricoid, so there's that. S 2, D 3, F 2. Oct 6th: Hereditary. Jeesh. This is peak disturbing, especially that scene, taken together with the characters' upsetting responses. Ari Aster clearly knows how to upset his audience. I wish there was more exposition around the mythology and story in a way that made the movie's plot and ending more immediately accessible. Still, Toni Collette was incredible and this movie seems deserving of its modern horror classic designation. S 9, D 10, F 2. Oct 7th: Midsommar. Two Ari Asters in a row. This time he nails disturbing with crazy memorable images in the opening, middle, and closing sections. I didn't know a movie could be so upsetting without resorting to dark rooms and hallways. Also, Florence Pugh's closing expression, yikes. S 6, D 10, F 5. Oct 8th: Psycho. This is a pretty excellent movie. I've never seen Hitchcock before this month. I recognize why he's one of the greats after watching this. The plot twist is great. The lead up and execution of the famous shower scene is great. The script and acting are great. Bravo. S 6, D 5, F 4. Oct 9th: The Birds. This Hitchcock didn't do it for me. Birds ultimately just aren't that scary. I couldn't buy into the plot device or the romance at the center. But filming all the birds must have been pretty tricky! S 3, D 3, F 2. Oct 10th: The Shining. Peak horror. Nicholson at his best. The story, the style, the imagery, the scares are all spot on and memorable in the best ways. It feels like a work of art. I wish Kubrick had done more straight horror. That said, he could have helped Shelley Duvall with her "scared running" technique a little. S 8, D 6, F 8. Oct 11th: The Exorcist. I've grown up hearing that this is the scariest movie ever. After watching, I get it. That possessed girl is not cool. Ellen Burstyn is fantastic. Some of those scenes are absolutely unforgettable. How was this made in 1973? Deserved its best picture nom. Horrifying. Do not recommend. S 10, D 9, F 3. Oct 12th: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is just fine movie making. I can see how this influenced so many horror movies to come. Incredible dinner table scene, and the closing shot is clearly iconic. This movie has aged almost perfectly, with the chase scene being the only exception (could have done with a few less clips of him running after her through the trees). S 5, D 8, F 3. Oct 13th: Rosemary's Baby. So, she was raped by Satan? Ok then. Honestly, this is obviously elite direction, writing, character development and acting. The movie was clearly way ahead of its time for horror. The ending is disturbing and effective. I imagine this movie is even more upsetting to those who've experienced pregnancy, especially as Rosemary is being manipulated by her husband and doctors. I know I can never show this one to my wife. I'm no movie historian, but I understand why this is on a lot of all-time best movie lists. S 3, D 8, F 6. Oct 14th: The Mist. Pretty standard, kinda fun and scary creature flick until that ending. I'm sure the ending has been talked about ad nauseum because it is so impactful and shocking. Let me just say this: it made me feel physically ill. It's burned in my head forever now. I'm not sure I'm happy about it. And isn't that what a good horror is supposed to do? S 5, D 10, F 5. Oct 15th: It (2017). I haven't seen the original, but I thought this movie was really solid. Steven King knows how to weave a yarn. Seems to me this movie is the reason that Stranger Things exists, and it did the "80s kids on bikes who outshine and outsmart the adults" thing as well as it can be done. Real solid scares too, that clown is creep town. Some of the scare set pieces felt a little forced, though. S 8, D 6, F 8. Oct 16th: Get Out. I think the social commentary delivery by this movie is pitch perfect. The plot is well done with an engaging cast, and there are some nice shocking reveals. The movie built suspense well, is perfectly directed, and kept me engaged throughout. This is a solid horror. However, I may have expected more than I got given all the awards and recognition hype. S 6, D 6, F 6. Oct 17th: Paranormal Activity. Really freaked me out for some reason. The nanny cam view capturing spooky stuff at night messing with oblivious people sleeping in their bed captures one of my unreasonable fears by violating my primary safe space, my room. I don't like it. Other than the scare device, though, there's not much to this movie. S 9, D 2, F1. Oct 18th: Nope. Unpopular opinion alert: This is my pick between the two Jordan Peele movies I watched. I love this movie so much. It is riotously funny in parts and pretty atmospheric and frightening in others. I can't take my eyes off of Daniel Kaluuya, he's so intense. I love the juxtaposing stories all driving home the message that non-human intelligent beings (whether chimps, horses, or aliens) don't exist just to be gawked at by a paying human public. They just might get their revenge. What a ride. S 7, D 5, F 9. Oct 19th: It Follows. The best premise to a horror flick I've ever seen or heard of. Of course there should be a movie about a horror STD. And it happens to be expertly executed. The movie managed to get under my skin by exploiting my fear of being followed. It crafts a sense of dread because the bad guy can always be anyone and it never stops walking toward you unless you have sex to pass the scourge onto someone you might really care about. Talk about moral dilemmas. If any horror movie deserves a sequel, it's this one. C'mon David Robert Mitchell, give us "It Still Follows," we would all watch it. S 8, D 7, F 6. Oct 20th: Talk To Me. From the jump, this flick knows how to shock and build suspense. It has a couple of pretty memorable frightening moments and manages to stay creepy, with a solid ending. I'm learning that people getting possessed is a really scary thing for me to watch, and this movie has that in spades. This is a lesser known horror gem IMO. S 9, D 8, F 3. Oct 21st: Scream. The opening was destined to become a classic moment in horror. This is meant to be a fun self-aware movie, with clever horror genre references throughout and a twist for the reveal. And lots and lots of stabbing. I definitely had a good time. Not very scary though. S 3, D 3, F 8. Oct 22nd: The Thing. Yes! Inject this into my veins. Would make a perfect double feature with Alien. Everything was just right: Kurt Russell's paranoia, John Carpenter's direction, Rob Bottin's creature work, the suspicion created by the genius plot device, the chill-to-the-bone setting, and the perfectly ambiguous ending. I love this movie. S 6, D 8, F 10. Oct 23rd: Saw. This is where the Escape Rooms trend came from? My kids thank you, Saw. This was a fun ride with a clever ending. Also, why don't people with one leg ever stand and hop in the movies? Dragging themselves around smh. S 6, D 7, F 8. Oct 24th: Barbarian. What the? I honestly didn't find it terribly scary, but it's high on the disturbing scale. Props working in a "me too" theme. The kill at the end was definitely a gruesome shocker. But c'mon, that last set piece defies physics in too many ways to give it a pass. S 4, D 8, F 2. Oct 25th: Pearl. Mia Goth's acting deserves a shout out for that closing credits clip alone. Not sure about the southern girl accent despite her being raised in relative isolation by her German speaking mother. It feels a bit over the line manipulative, although I suppose that is partly the point, to feel ridiculously, sarcastically manipulated - but not fooled - by Pearl. Such an interesting movie. Lots of buildup to a pretty upsetting conclusion. I admire the risks it takes and the artistry it shows. Felt like pre-tornado Wizard of Oz with a Return to Oz below-the-surface creepiness. S 4, D 8, F 5. Oct 26th: Sinister. I read a study that tried to scientifically prove which horror movie is the scariest based on the heart rate increase of the audience. Sinister was officially named by the study authors as the Most Scary Movie. So I watched it. And, yes, it's pretty high up on the list for me. The soundtrack is pulsating, the family snuff videos awful, and the darkness prevalent. The movie is almost all in the dark. Ethan Hawke is always excellent. The end reveal is mostly predictable, but this movie definitely delivers the scares. Edit: This movie ended up freaking me out so bad I had trouble sleeping and had to watch some SNL at 1am to settle down. S 10, D 7, F 2. Oct 27th: Hellraiser (1987). It tried to be an interesting "how far would you go to get what you most want" movie, which is more theme than most of the other 80's horror I watched this month. Most of the runtime I was thinking "dang, the makeup and creature effects are really good for '87" and then the special effects at the end made me want to take it all back. Overall pretty disturbing and gruesome, and fairly well done without being very scary. But the ending was a dud in almost every way. S 3, D 8, F 3. Oct 28th: Candyman (1992). I went in with low expectations after being burned by Hellraiser, and the movie beat them comfortably. I thought it was really solid. I loved the soundtrack, the villain was memorable, and the plot was tightly wound and appropriately suspenseful. It even mostly stuck the landing. S 6, D 6, F 7. Oct 29th: The Descent. I saw this one mentioned a lot so I gave it a go and I'm glad I did. It's like A Quiet Place but dialed up to 11 with its pitch black cave setting, claustrophobia, and bloody violent (and quite upsetting) kills. The action in this movie is breathtaking in spots. A plot choice made at the end really upset me, which makes the film all the more memorable. S 9, D 7, F 6. Oct 30th: The Wicker Man (1973). Not sure what I was expecting with this one, but it wasn't the cross between a hyper-sexualized The Sound of Music and Midsommar that I got. Overall a bit slow and unscary but turns the corner in the last 20 minutes with an incredibly impactful ending that really delves into questions of the ethics of religious piety and perspective. And it was super cool to watch a Christopher Lee masterclass from his younger days. S 1, D6, F2. Oct 31st (watched it yesterday): The Evil Dead (1981). Oh wow. Ok. Well, Sam Raimi certainly did some stuff here! Nice use of fog and camera perspective work, and the creature makeup is crazy. This movie has some hilariously messed up images and kills. I didn't know whether to laugh or freak out or throw up through most of it. And the gore. Oh, the gore. It was often hard to distinguish whether it's high camp or high art, and maybe it's both. This movie obviously birthed a lot of horror tropes. I can't believe what I just watched. And I can't believe I almost didn't watch it, being the last film on the list. S 7, D 10, F 7. Overall Rankings: 31: Friday the 13th 30: The Blair Witch Project 29: The Birds 28: Nightmare on Elm Street 27: Hellraiser 26: Paranormal Activity 25: Barbarian 24: Halloween (2018) 23: Scream 22: The Wicker Man (1973) 21: The Mist 20: It (2017) 19: The Witch 18: Sinister 17: Pearl 16: Saw 15: Candyman (1992) 14: Talk to Me 13: Midsommar 12: Get Out 11: The Evil Dead (1981) 10: Hereditary 9: Psycho 8: The Descent 7: The Exorcist 6: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 5: It Follows 4: Nope 3: Rosemary's Baby 2: The Thing 1: The Shining What did I get right or wrong? What horror classics did I miss? Give me your rankings! Also, as a new fan of horror, tell me what I need to watch next! submitted by /u/justinp79 to r/movies [link] [comments]
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r/movies |
justinp79 |
Oct 31, 2024 |
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AndrewMoMoney Used My DD In A Live Stream Ft. Shill Sniffing Dog And Deleted My Comment, So I Analyzed His Channel
Edit: I can't believe...I spent all weekend writing this... only for you guys... to react... the way I expected you to! How exciting!! pulls up soap box So alright y'all, now that you're all here, let me make a brief comment before I go to bed and I'll see you later if the mods allow it. I see red flag, I investigate, I report my findings. You can agree, disagree, or anything in between and I will not lose a wink of sleep. What I DO care about is some sweet little chimp has more resources to make their own decisions regarding the media they buy into during arguably the most important event in their life via a case study. If you think this is just about Andrew, you're missing the point but I still love you very much. Sound fair? Edit2: oops; sorry guys. Had to come back and ask y'all to try to keep your comments fairly respectful. At the end of the day, he's just a content creator. Like me. Like you. In this post I give him credit where credit is due and I don't hate him whatsoever, I talk about things that are trendy OUTSIDE of him, and I also make some suggestions on how he can remedy most of your concerns! Also if you think I'm losing sleep over a comment... have you ever...had a toddler? Anywho.Happy reading. This goes without saying, but y’all really need to do your own research and take everything you read, watch, or listen to with a grain of salt. I don’t care who the source is and how much you trust them. So, let me give you some friendly advice using my research to back me up: Stay away from AndrewMoMoney during the squeeze. Edit3: you ask for an alternative, here it is. Andrewmomoney has been trying to leave a comment, but can't because of karma. You can find a response copy pastes below. I'll be in contact later. Disclaimer: I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been working in the design and marketing field for many years. As such, there are often things I’ll talk about as if they’re common knowledge or I’ll explain them as if we were good ol’ friends sitting around the campfire. That said, I’ll do my best to provide every single resource. If I’m missing something critical for your understanding, just let me know and I’ll do my best to provide. Moving on. https://www.noxinfluencer.com/youtube/channel/UC23emuGbNM7twofQIrEgPBQ Have you tried to start a youtube channel? Or a business? Yeah? Almost everyone I know has too. A majority of the people I know have gotten as far as making a cover photo, a banner, the about, and maybe ONE video. Then poof. It’s gone. They lose motivation. This tends to be the case for a lot of people and the easiest way to combat this is by having a plan. You sit down and figure out who you are and what you look like, what you do, who your audience is, why you’re better than everyone else, and how you’re going to deliver the goods. You’ll create some things like a business canvas, a marketing strategy (which will include your voice and tone), and a content calendar among many other things. Here are some quick reads before I dive deeper: Creating a business plan Creating a business canvas Content calendar General tools Tone and Voice Got some knowledge under your belt? Great. Too busy eating crayons, great. I’ll explain in layman’s terms anyways. I like to check out some analytics and watch content periodically throughout the channel’s history so I have a better understanding of the initial strategy, how its evolved, as well as if there are any catalysts, etc, etc. Andrew’s channel was created April 7th, 2020 and formerly titled Data Leap. His bio: “As a 26-year-old cryptocurrency data scientist in Silicon Valley that built 9 streams of passive income in 2020, I want to help you find your own path to 6 figures in 6 months. Subscribe to keep up with weekly uploads, cool kids are all doing it. Let's leap together.” Since it’s important enough to be in his bio, I think it’s critical for me to understand what a data scientist is. I did some research, I liked these videos (Joma Tech and Ken Jee. Check out the description box of the latter for some key points), but I still found it to be unclear. However, I think it’s fair to say that there will be a lot of CODING on this channel. This is obvious in his earlier videos. I’ll give you a few examples. https://preview.redd.it/3ai6k3t5dgv61.png?width=1094&format=png&auto=webp&s=666c9695a160e60744c33c886ad9e5a2fccd06ab Pretty on point with what we can deduce from the bio. His tone is pretty casual, yet sophisticated. He wants to entertain you while putting some wrinkles on that brain. I'd say I nailed this because Andrew says the same thing in a later video. Now I take a look at how often he posts. Here are the dates from his first couple months: June 22 June 26 June 29 July 7 July 13 July 16 July 22 Aug 3 Aug 8 Aug 10 Aug 14 Aug 17 Aug 24 Now, this might be my low blood sugar talking, but man, this tight production schedule is making me queasy. That’s a lot of videos in a short amount of time and you’ll notice they’re often just a few days apart. One of the most common questions someone will ask is what they can do to grow their channel. Usually you turn to them and ask how much they’re posting, what they're posting, and when. Rule of thumb, quality over quantity, but consistency is key. You put out one really awesome video every other 6 months, you get buried by the algorithm. You put out 20 videos of garbage and you get buried by the algorithm. Most end up putting out 1-2 videos a week, but that won’t guarantee a bunch of subscribers or a ton of views. Generally, you give them something of value and consistently provide that same value to incentivize them to come back to your channel. For example, I’d like a new kitchen table and the current trend is just my type, but I’m unwilling or unable to pay such a high price for someone to build it for me. I’m willing to learn how to DIY and can buy entry level tools to do the job myself. I turn to youtube and find a channel dedicated to simple DIY builds with minimal tools. They explain the process start to finish very well and my table turns out awesome. Turns out they have more videos! I decide to stick around and subscribe. Thousands of people out there end up subscribing for the same reason.. https://preview.redd.it/2v41gaf2egv61.png?width=1148&format=png&auto=webp&s=a0f614c1423c947ea04e152ba82fe4fa9ab74ed5 It’s not always like that though. You ever seen the video of the lady making nachos with her bare hands? What about the potato chip mashed potatoes? That person who thought they were a chicken nugget? Some things are so silly or stupid you HAVE to watch it and tell your friends or leave a comment letting everyone know how stupid they are. You may or may not subscribe, but you still hang around to see what other silly thing they’re up to. Some people become successful by being controversial. https://preview.redd.it/k9895hr9egv61.png?width=576&format=png&auto=webp&s=d73baaaf2391894a3e2088b57f48bc3064da2637 And even then, it’s not always like that! What about the videos about stray puppies and kittens that find their forever home? Military coming home videos? Helping the homeless? Y’know, the things that pull at your heart strings? https://preview.redd.it/i8c3bcpgegv61.png?width=986&format=png&auto=webp&s=d30dd5ee969b4c9e607ee2e395fcf7eba92e47bd See what I’m saying? Multiple ways to skin a cat. Just be consistent. Andrew uploaded fairly consistently and did the usual tips and tricks with thumbnail art, titles, etc (being click baity, but hey, I think everyone does that from time to time), but I noticed he still had very low viewership and engagement. Why is that? Ultimately, a combination of things. Check out his bio again, check out all the banners and video descriptions (I have to speculate just a LITTLE here and assume he didn’t change anything recently), what do you see mentioned everywhere? “Your guide to 6 figures in 6 months” https://preview.redd.it/re52l6hnegv61.png?width=950&format=png&auto=webp&s=7842232cdd95f185672ccafa3b7bc29e2b97d975 Rapid fire answer. Do you think his channel matches that sentiment? Here's mine: not really. I’ll give you an example of a channel I found from searching “6 figures in 6 months” : https://preview.redd.it/ugflhivregv61.png?width=1202&format=png&auto=webp&s=2d44bdea196301e0e124735c70d3ddf4af46da9a Seems to mesh better with that idea, doesn’t it? One thing Andrew mentions in this video is that starting a business can help you make 6 figures, but doesn't provide resources for running that business on his channel. Sure, Andrew has more subscribers. I’ll give you that for now (come see me later though. We’ll talk). So then you start looking at the content and figuring out what it's actually about. Andrew starts making videos centered around Python. There’s a few random videos in there, but he sticks to the code in the beginning and I applaud him for not jumping with random videos when his channel didn’t pop off immediately (and that production schedule is just crazy). Some hit better than others--it’s fairly obvious when an influencer has found something that hit right because they’ll keep doing it. Then bang. The channel evolves and we start hitting the clickbait. https://preview.redd.it/k4q34ff7ggv61.png?width=992&format=png&auto=webp&s=9aad68c5749f871c307416f355b2c693b6f0bcb0 3.9k views on this video. Pretty damn solid. Then you'll notice we start sliding back down to 100-500 views per video immediately after until we hit another (what I like to call) viral video and that’s where you’ll see a key difference between Andrew’s channel and Nate’s. Nate’s lowest viewership is 4k. Nate generally has more substantial comments on his videos. Do you see where I’m going with this? More subscribers isn’t always the best indication of success. Thanks Nate, you can go now. https://preview.redd.it/ly4vl8bofgv61.png?width=1189&format=png&auto=webp&s=40c74ce394d2570b3e47da6524e1181855fac0c9 So it seems like Andrew’s channel is more so centered around how you could land a 6 figure job or increase your income to 6 figures… but likely not in 6 months and maybe not 6 figures. The content just isn’t there... there isn’t a clear set of reasonable directions for the audience regarding how they can do that in SIX months in his channel.. Consistently. Yes, emphasis on consistently. I’ll give you credit for some of these earlier "on-target" videos although I CANNOT confirm how filling they are in relation to the channel proposition: How to be a Millionaire by 30: Build one of THESE in 2021 My Very First Job Offer was $100K+ (and so can yours) How I Built 9 Income Sources at Age 25 (and you can too) $100K in Passive Income in 2021 - Making Six Figures on Autopilot By the way, y’all ever heard of Dr. Quarters? https://preview.redd.it/5pmtr2p8hgv61.jpg?width=480&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=97aa58581b681e022d0e9065ffe87c042fef8ddb I’ll keep it simple. This episode of King of The Hill is based on a real guy and a real trend that was more popular (or perhaps, just popular in a different form) when I was kid. These people sold the idea you could get rich quick with minimal effort (essentially click bait). Needless to say, it backfires and Kahn is stuck in a bad situation, still working at a job he hates. He got off pretty easy in the show. People in real life? Eh. I’m not calling Andrew a get-rich-quick scam artist. I think he has some interesting videos of value, but I do think his content is a little off kilter and he’s not delivering what he claims he can do for you. Normally, a channel will fall off the radar because of this.. But then, there was a catalyst: Gamestop. Remember how I mentioned you can see his videos hang out around relatively low views and once he creates something people like, he keeps doing it? This is a fairly common practice so don’t come with your pitchforks ready. Think about it like this: Miley Cyrus has pivoted multiple times throughout her career. Madonna. Gwen Stefani. Taylor Swift. Katy Perry. Kanye West. Pink. Y’all know 'Hot in here' by Nelly? What about his other hit 'Over and Over' with Tim McGraw? Nothing new here. This has been happening since before you were born. never forgetti mom's spaghetti There are a few problems with this pivot though. Andrew was missing his proposition value to his viewers already and he’s further pivoting from it--this can affect how trustworthy and consistent he seems. I’d say this is relatively minor and easy to fix. This becomes a much larger problem when you examine how the content has evolved from the first GME post. I have a specific word I’d like to use, but I’m going to abstain. Let me just talk about the video and see if you see what I see. https://preview.redd.it/5op9u4l6jgv61.png?width=946&format=png&auto=webp&s=25ecb51fbc276664fee6f7a3cd9bad3bbfaafbba The first video was published February 1st, 2021. This is post January baby squeeze. It gives you a nice, simple explanation of the Reddit vs. Wall Street situation, and basic trading concepts. This is an entry level video. This is not for the folks already in the game. In my expert opinion, I’d describe this video as targeting the FOMO crowd who saw the news, said “fuck, I want in” and searched for a video from a trusted source (and the use of his job title in the video is very intentional. His channel name has changed by now too) who could explain in 10 minutes or less. Good results. Can he do it again? https://preview.redd.it/4fecb7nfjgv61.png?width=958&format=png&auto=webp&s=5cf9ab03d65312c4f4d2cb566b7afe01e05c25c9 Yes. He goes deeper into his explanation of the situation and the market as a whole and drops more resources for beginners like links to trading apps like Webull or Robinhood. Yes, Robinhood. Even after it had been put out there they had halted trading. He removes this in later videos but it can still be found in the description and pinned comments of older videos. Do you think he isn't getting something from that? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8AJNOYKkqc https://preview.redd.it/0cptbbozsgv61.png?width=887&format=png&auto=webp&s=770a20bc41a180446ff4ca024c143ecbd7506753 Within a week or so of posting, he hits 5k subscribers. By March, he hits 20k. By April, 70k. That’s some aggressive growth. Of the 100+ videos that have come out since the OG video, I’ve counted ONE that caters to his original audience. That’s fine, people are allowed to change, but you have to update your brand. He hasn’t though. Nothing besides *looks at notecard* editing his original video descriptions and pinned comments to include affiliate links to anything pertaining to GME, language such “tendies”, “apes”, “moon”, “moon platoon”, and “space upgrades”. Even his first video that came out a year ago. So pretty much everything to make money. (And I have to throw in another disclaimer, I don’t know Andrew personally and he seems like a pretty cool dude. This isn’t an attack on him for playing the marketing game. This post is just for you guys to remember there are good shills and bad shills and everything in between. The human brain is more fragile than you think and very susceptible to manipulation especially when emotions are running high. I remember when I started investing I listened to every account out there instead of doing my research. Within 5 minutes I bought a stock, read something, sold that stock, and bought another like a true crayon muncher.) The videos become more click baity as time goes on. Remember that one video I mentioned in the last paragraph? You’ll notice a significant dip in viewership. When I talk to my friends about being an influencer, I tell them that while it might seem like a great idea to hop on a hype train to collect some followers, it winds up being very difficult to keep those followers. Why? Because they followed you for x, not y and you can see that here. Increase in views. Increase in engagement. Increase in subscribers. Nice. Back to business. Uh oh. Didn’t do so well. Back to Gamestop. https://preview.redd.it/aj5hjntltgv61.png?width=1120&format=png&auto=webp&s=fd646e4fceb2d3a3747a57f17e725ab30315d7aa So now you’re stuck in a cycle of HAVING to keep making videos about this topic if you want to maintain. That’s how we wind up with videos like “Should I sell Gamestop?” (multiple times), thumbnails with words like “crash”, “you lose”, or “game over”. Again, I stress that the target was the FOMO crowd, the baby chimps. They don’t know any better. They need someone who doesn’t hurt their brain, keeps it short, and funny. Do you see how all the above is dangerous for them as we move forward? Put it this way. Using a recent video at 68k views (and every single one of them is a new viewer). If all of those people are holding 100 shares that’s 6,800,000 shares total. Imagine he uploads a video mid squeeze with a title of “$GME PEAKS AT $5,000??” with a thumbnail with something like “highest it can go?” or “game over?” Everyone is emotional, they’ve never seen this much money before. They freak the hell out. They don’t want to lose that money. They paperhand at $5k. $GME briefly dips before skyrocketing to $20k. Dangerous for stockholders. Dangerous for him and the future of his channel. Let’s go back to trust. He’s not currently fulfilling his value proposition. He creates click bait videos. Doesn’t give credit to the folks who provide him video content (links to atobitt's biz, but not the artist of this or Pixel's Endgame DD). Half-rebranding to make it seem like he’s a fellow ape... https://preview.redd.it/ed7d604xtgv61.png?width=1440&format=png&auto=webp&s=25fee894f682a7b8565a49536cb90b5f78f8585c Honestly, he might be an ape.. The problem is he doesn’t come across genuine because of the above--what are you willing to compromise for views and $$? Quite a few people have made comments mentioning he doesn’t appear genuine. Some people have jumped to his defense that he’s accepted feedback and is changing some things because of it (no idea what though, but then again I don't watch his channel regularly... then again... I'm a pretty good guesser) which brings me to my next point. He’s not changing. The clickbait is still there. I mean, how long have we known options were a no no? Recent video with a title that suggests options are some secret ticket to tendies (because options traders know something we don’t?). He is still missing his value proposition. He is not giving written credit to folks providing him with information. https://preview.redd.it/4a1hno7augv61.png?width=217&format=png&auto=webp&s=16117ccbe99d565bfaf35668d757850aef2eb8d9 I also found out he used my DD in a video, which was pretty cool. I didn’t know a lot about him besides watching people bicker about him on the sub, but I never personally watched. Decided to check it out. that me Honestly, I was so disappointed. Not only in him, but shill dog as well. What I emphasize to EVERYONE is that we better be about our shit. You know you’re doing an interview? Brush up on your public speaking skills. You are making history and you never know when the camera is rolling. If you ho-hum, seem unsure, or lie, the audience will know. The media will eat you alive and you destroy the credibility of the sub. You never know what opportunities will come from this either. Be like DFV. No excuses. My inbox is always open if you need help preparing for these things. Anyways. It bothers me how big of a joke this came off. It bothers me how suspicious I was of Shill dog because of how they handled the interview--what a massive platform to be on and...woof. It bothered me when I read a comment that said NEITHER of the people talking in this video seemed genuine. My name is attached to this. That’s my research. My integrity is everything so I felt a need to reach out to Andrew. Maybe I could come on and discuss in a way that would make people feel more at ease. I messaged on twitter, radio silence. I expected that though, no big deal. Next step, bring out my old youtube channel. Check privacy settings. I leave a comment and go to bed. I wake up the next day expecting a comment or a like based upon how recently he interacted with other commenters. My comment is gone. I wondered if I just hadn’t actually submitted it, but I was so sure I had. Immediately became sus, but I don’t make claims without proof. I painstakingly type up the same comment. Gone within 10 minutes. go see if it's there I log onto another channel. I leave a comment praising him. Still up to this moment. I won't screenshot that one. Just take a guess. That tells me everything I need to know. Bonus: I found the reveal of his offer to shill odd. Many people were skeptical as well, asking why he blurred the information out the way he did, why talk so briefly about it, why not put the company out there, etc. So I’m gonna pull a Warden on you guys: It’s either fake, it’s real and he didn’t take an offer, or it’s real and he took an offer. It was a live video. Often you don’t have yourself as put together as a scripted video you can reshoot and watch and edit and tweak and so on, but I want you to notice he never said he wouldn’t take an offer. There was just a funky transition that he would have shill dog in the live stream to keep him straight. If I'm just being a skeptic and he gets upset by this because it's not true, that's on him for allowing his viewers to doubt how honest of a content creator he is. TLDR: A majority of you will say you don't care about Andrew and never have and this is all stuff you already figured out, but there are some apes out there who still view him as their first source of information and you are only as strong as your weakest link. Through a brief analysis, I've shown the foundation or lack thereof behind this channel and how AndrewMoMoney's channel is positioned for maximizing earnings through sensationalism. Sensationalism is a cheap way to grow your channel, but you will lose it all unless you adjust your marketing strategy and value proposition. This type of channel is potentially damaging for the squeeze. I strongly urge you to consider what media you will surround yourself with when this lifts off. While I have you here Andrew, might I make some suggestions? I don't like plain criticism. We do constructive feedback around here: Interview the people who write the DD you discuss. All of them. Not just the "celebrities". Use these interviews to supplement what you don't know instead of reading straight DD. Make a video for your OG subscribers on how they can use GME as a catalyst for their careers--even if that's just having the extra tendies to go back to school or coast while they figure out their life. Make a video that helps apes manage their tendies--like "how to find a CPA", "how to pick a lawyer". You don't even need to pitch it as original. Give credit to the person who posted first, say it's a video adaptation, boom. Stop deleting negative comments and use them to your advantage. Cut back on the click bait titles. You can optimize your title for the algorithm AND give your viewers a clear understanding of what the video is about. Write what the video is about in the description. Get back to engaging with your subscribers like you did in the beginning. Think about the social and economic repercussions of the content you're publishing. Wait don't take these, they're actually pretty good I might use them Please excuse typos or grammar as my eyes are burning submitted by /u/itsdaynotdave to r/Superstonk [link] [comments]
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r/Superstonk |
itsdaynotdave |
Apr 26, 2021 |
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Teemo Appreciation Thread
TL;DR: I think Teemo's okay. Around 2008, Riot decided they needed a lighter end to their spectrum of champions. A race, so to speak, of creatures that were more jovial in portrayal than the dark kind they had been pouring their resources into. Led by a Rioter known only as 'Ezreal,' they developed Him in the still Indie-company-sized studio of Riot Games. Him. Genesis. From Him, a new race would come to be. From the hairless and often explosive females to the oft-dramatic males for and against Bandle's safety, all with their own undertakings. Most won't remember Him as the lawless origin to the race called Yordles. To many, too many, He is but an image in the Mind's eye, of a moppish-yet-sturdy smile. For others, the image is a scope in the hands of He, capable explorer and scout. For me, it was the story of a log, a paw, and a vaulting motion towards the player--invitation, demonstration and warning all in one. When I was in the last year of high school, my friends introduced me to League of Legends. I don't have the wherewithal to remember what season I joined. What do I remember in those first few games among friends? We were in a skype call. After some, if I may admit it, boring matches, I fled to the store to find someone more entertaining than Annie and Warwick to play. I saw Him. And spoke words my friends couldn't hear for they were whispered between the creature before me, and my quivering lips. "Oh my god, Teemo." "I thought you hated the game," my friends teased in the days afterward. I'd laugh off the question and say, "Top, please!" Then lock in Teemo, the Swift Scout. A smile pressed across my lips as I previewed my several skins, admiring the way they changed the context of this... this thing, rapidly encroaching on my impressionable young mind. What was it about Him that made me so eager to play League? Soon enough, as my friends either stagnated or stopped playing altogether. The introduced became the tenured, though my advice wasn't useful to new players. All I knew how to do was play Him. Q. Blinding dart. The force of those lungs. W. Move Quick. The work of His legs. E. Toxic Shot. His ingenuity. R. Noxious Trap. A calling card. I dreamt of walking down a road one day and spotting one in my path. Returning it to him and receiving a thank you for my time. But even in this domain I was left lacking, because the part of League that captivated me most was champ select... peering upon Teemo's splash, trying to capture the same feeling I had that first, blinding moment in high school. What had enamored me? I could see bits and pieces, yet a recollection of the entire artwork eluded me, and I began to grow frustrated and toxic. I risked being banned--after a two week warning, I realized I must go on a pilgrimage. On a road to discovery, to study Teemo and discover why this Yordle made me so passionate. And here I am today. Join me as we dissect what it means to be Teemo. Part one: a glimpse of his body. Imagine, if you will, the lush jungle of Kumungu. A buzzing, hot place full of danger at every step, yet rewarding travelers with constant doses of serenity and fae beauty. It is hard to imagine every single wonder this jungle can provide, nor their extent. Already its tall palms, the gromps that hop in massive packs to avoid predators, the rolling stones called Krugs, all assault your ability to separate fact from fiction. Wiping sweat off your brow, you stumble through the brush to emerge on a small clearing. The Kumungu hushes itself and you grow cautious, afraid of whatever laid in store in this sunny, almost picturesque relief. A campsite. You walk closer, setting down your things to inspect it. There is a small campfire, snuffed before dawn, and a swirl of broken twigs where a small body sat. As your surroundings continue to swirl about you as if the scene has trapped you in the reverie of another person, the true remnants of this campsite are revealed. The safety of it all, the confidence of a settler to sleep alone in the Kumungu. You imagine the quiet happiness of a creature who has had the honor to tame the jungle, breathing breath and circulating the blood of an adventurer through his diminutive and constantly-aware body. You imagine its leavings, a bundle of tinder, a rock utilized as a pestle. It sleeps in its own, victorious body. It survives with the intellect of its own mind. You glance back at your bag of man-made tools--and feel nothing but the worst scorn imaginable! What shame the scene drives in you, to be ever-reliant on the success of other men! You wish to lie prostrate right there in the middle of the clearing and plead, nay, pray for the same insight. Standing up from your journey into the mind of this legend, a noise breaks the spell. The bout of madness is over. You twist around to see what made the rustling. A chipper laugh. "HAHEEUHEAU." Gone. But all of that shameful energy has turned into determination. Leaving your pack on the ground, you deign to live as the animals do. Part two: to be a maid in his home. "Excuse me, maid," Teemo calls from the back room of his humble home in Bandle City, "I will be leaving again soon. Please leave my shoes outside my door." Your heart skips a beat. The Yordle, he, oh god, he just arrived home mere minutes ago. When accepting this job out of the classifieds, taking it for granted, an opportunity to travel, you never accounted for such a creature like the Swift Scout. Like Jane Eyre on her walk outside Thornfield, simply delivering mail and resuming her telltale boredom at a casual pace, your first sight of Teemo exploded the monotony decades hence. Rushing inside, covered in dust. Bootprints trailing on the sandalwood floors--"don't worry," you remember mumbling, "I can clean it up." "That's your job, right?" Teemo asked. You wouldn't know, but you caught him in a jovial, rather than murderous, mood. "I forgot, I haven't been home. Let's share a drink." The two of you sat across from one another. Teemo poured Bandle bourbon into two glasses. The large pitcher sloshed forward and you caught him catching it... tendons underneath his furred arm tensing. You weren't going to be able to keep this job, you surmise. Teemo carried the conversation on, while you imagined how the aftertaste of bourbon must feel on the back of his little throat. To think such a small, pernicious thing could knock more drinks down than you... And at this trying time, where you almost lost it all, he hadn't asked you to move his shoes. You near the boots of swiftness, breathing heavy. It takes a moment's preparation to reach down and grab them. Your fingers slip into them, and are greeted by warm air. The heat hasn't yet left the boots. Oh, Christ above!! They are still hot from use! From pounding, over, over, and over, over, and over, on the dirt ground underneath Teemo's feet!! Teemo shoots out of his bath, throwing a towel over himself. "Is everything okay?" He cries. "Did you slip?" All his visage does is earn another howl from your addled mind, yet so much panic forces you into a cooled state. Everything slows down while Teemo awaits an answer, you on the floor, he dripping wet with a head full of shampoo-bubbles. An offer begins to form on your lips. But then the scene ends. Part Three: His Fingers. Dear Riot, I heard you were changing the champion portraits. I have something to ask. Can you please make it so we can choose what part of the skin becomes the portrait? I really want my portrait to be Omega Squad Teemo's fingers. There is something about the singular makeup of his furred digits that inspires me to play better. My breathing becomes heavy, as if I am running a marathon at record pace, and my reaction times turn frenzied--almost as good as a scripter! When I imagine Omega Squad Teemo's fingers curled around my, sorry, his dart gun, I position better, I am more positive in games towards my fellow summoners. Can we do an AMA with the League artist who designed Teemo's fingers? I want to know why they chose that enticing groove, the perfect length of each follicle, the same-colored claws! Jesus Christ, I can imagine the thin veins running beneath those killer points, almost as much as I can smell Teemo's fingers curling under my chins mere moments before he SNAPS. MY. NECK. But then there is something else. The rotating game mode... Zigg's fingers are right out in the open, naked but for the pen in the clutch of his paws. Oh god, who draws these Yordles and their fingers? Have I said fingers a lot? Sorry. Imagine finding one of their perfect strands on your pillowcase, or floating in the broth of your chicken Campbell soup. You pick it up, holding it against a fluorescent light, and see its golden integrity in full. I want to have this moment happen forever and ever. If only you would give me the CHANCE. PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE ME JUST A GLIMPSE OF OMEGA SQUAD TEEMO'S RESPLENDANT DIGITS! I CANT HOLD BACK ANYMORE!!! Every time I am in school, at dinner, alone in my room, those fingers crawl under my clothing and pull me down into the fiery throes of passion. Please, please, please give me this feature or I don't know what will happen to me next. Part Four: A doughy dream. You are eating pancakes at mom's. There is a television on the kitchen counter, where she catches up on the latest news. The nonstop coverage of some political debate finally shuts up for commercials. Still groggy, the popping colors and loud noises of these ads entertain you. That is, until a cereal ad breaks away into a scene for Pillsbury biscuits. Your mind snaps out of half-sleep, so sudden your mom gives a peripheral glance to see what's the matter. It was like any other commercial from Pillsbury, involving a mascot selling some new brand of processed dough. Yet, and yet... the Pillsbury Doughboy had been replaced by Teemo. You spit out your mouthful of cereal back into your bowl, lean in, start to go off-kilter with fascination. "Press my belly again!" Teemo pleads. The stay-at-home mom in the commercial complies, a skeptical smile on her face as she presses in the scout's stomach. "Hoh-oh! Hee hee hee!" Sliiiide. Crack. Did your hand just act on its own, breaking your mom's expensive, favorite ceramic bowl? She says something and rushes off to fetch the broom. Now she has left you alone with Pillsbury Teemo. As you thought, the sly creature had been waiting for such a distraction. That the two of you met here was no matter of circumstance--Teemo immediately breaks away from the T.V mom, then gestures for you to come closer. "Would YOU like to press my tummy?" Teemo asks. You stand up, still with enough sense to avoid the broken ceramic. Teemo, the T.V mom, both wave you on like you're a marathon runner finishing the last leg of the race. Five fingers battle for which will do the honor, until you are sure the anticipation will break your hand. Then. Fizz. That was the static of the television prickling the fur on your index finger. Smiling, dumb, you press Teemo's exposed belly. "Hee hee hee, come with meee!" You are sucked inside the commercial! The other boys, real jocks and always needed a snack after their big game, stand aside for Teemo's honored guest. "Make me small like you," you beg. Teemo waves an arm and you start to notice the counter grow in size. "Yes, yes, yes!" Oh man, it is the best time, the greatest time, an excursion so pleasurable you think it might throw you into an aneurism. Thank you, god! Thank you, Pillsbury! Thank you, thank you--your feet makes small impressions in the dough as you and Teemo play tag, giggling like schoolgirls, while all the other members of your new family urge you on. Teemo tugs you down into the dough and the two of you snuggle together. "Are you ready to be together forever?" He asks. You give a muted nod, somehow knowing what comes next. T.V mom lifts up the tray of biscuits, telling the kids whoever behaves the best gets the 'specialest' biscuit. As the tray enters the oven, the scorching heat melting the skin on your backside, you wake up. Real mom is crossing her arms, angry. You fell face-first into your bowl of cereal again. The Pillsbury Doughboy, no longer Teemo, dances away on the screen. Mom turns to get a napkin. The Doughboy winks at you. Part Five: Playing against other Yordles. When I play against other Yordles, my blood runs hot. Teemo is the true owner of the top lane. Kled is a reject, someone better of driving him and his stupid lizard off of a cliff! And Lulu, that perennial little brat has no place anywhere, let alone in the Rift's proudest lane. Tristana can rocket-jump straight into a wood-chipper. Rumble is a college drop-out, and Corki doesn't even look like a Yordle. One day I went Teemo top against Kled. It was supposed to be an easy game, considering I was a gold III smurfing in Silver II. I got into a one-on-one with Kled, the battle going my way until the freak jumped off his mount at the right time, dodging a blinding dart. I became blinded by tears as my screen turned grey. Then again. And again. Teemo, my animus, was dying and it was my fault. The game ended at fifteen minute and I knew, not for the last time, I failed Him. My eyes went to my personal shrine to the scout, and I swore my framed picture of his face frowned with dissatisfaction. My heart palpitated. Right away I rushed to the pet store and bought myself two things: a rat and a lizard. My mind was a haze of fury and upset, yet the pet store owner let me get them anyway, and even smiled at me on my way out. Almost knowingly... I rushed back into my home, plopping my new pets in front of the shrine. I brandished a small letter-opener, then lifted the lizard over my portrait of a Teemo. "You love Skarl so much," I whispered, slipping my letter-opener under the beast's throat. "You love him, Kled. Well, I-I.. I..." I fell to the ground, sobbing. "I can't do it anymore!" I yelled, sobbing. "No more sacrifices, Teemo!" The truth was, I loved all Yordles. Teemo shouldn't ever ask me to harm what was made from His flesh, His blood. "Quite right," agreed a voice from behind me. I whirled around to find the pet-shop owner. "Finally, you understand." The rat and lizard scurried under the couch in fright, as their handler shrank before my very eyes! It was He! Devil Teemo! I fell prostrate, bowing to my Lord, crying tears of joy and penance. Devil Teemo gently took my blade away. "You've done well to learn the value of all life," he admitted. "I've paid close attention to your journey, first thinking to punish you... then to watch and see if you changed. And, bless the 'Shroom, you did." "T-Te-ee-mo!" I wailed. The devil smiled devilishly. "Say, did your really build AD last game? For that... I think I'll make you my personal servant for life." I offered my hands to him, and he put me in shackles made of silver. They were loose enough to not hurt me weak, brittle wrists. He dragged me into a portal, and my days on the Rift, rather than watching over it, were over. Part Six: My VR Teemo experience. The year is 2026. Oculus and everybody got their business together and figured out true Virtual Reality. The games published can now be called, unironically, triple A. Funnily enough, all they needed to do was provide a way for the game console to 'plug' into the player. The bridged, LAN connection of sorts allows the player to experience a much more visceral and fast experience. Of course, this comes with dangers. Games are now labelled 'rated M, male, 20-45' or 'T, for females aged 16-32.' This is because the bridged connection provides unique, situational sensations that certain biologies are unable to comprehend. Rule-breakers report a few... strange occurrences not available to the public. You know the risks of what you are about to do. Yet you have already stolen your sister's VR device, as well as her host of games on the Steam cloud. You went through the trouble of piecing her password together from her diary, so you can access the 'family unfriendly' portion of her library. It started that day you peeked inside her headset. That single image plagued the back of your lids until you preferred to be blind than... than to see it again without having the capability to interact. Too hungry to put it off anymore, you lift the VR helmet onto your head and plug the USB 7.0 jack into your armpit. By using brainwaves you enter your sister's password and access your chosen game in a nanosecond: Miracle Simulator--Yordle DLC. Right away the neuraltransmitters indicate a squeezing force on your left hand. You swivel to the left, and right away your breath is stolen. "Ow," Teemo says, laughing through a grimace. "Not so hard, honey." You look down and see the sky-blue hospital sheets. The constant beep of a heartbeat monitor bumps in your ears. A virtual doctor towers above your body, and you quickly get into bed to better complete the experience. This is definitely the game your sister was playing. "We're going to be a family?" You whisper into the mic, braving the voice features. Teemo loads a response. "Yes. A girl, remember?" You frown. "VR, load up situation change. Boy." "A b-b-boy, remember?" Teemo crackles, changing his response. "I'm retiring from scouting, getting a seat on the Bandle counsel. We'll never be apart, promise." The Yordle breaks composure, resting his head on you to weep. "I'm so proud of you, of us." The VR presses forward a spongy substance to soak up your tears. They flow freely. "Me too. I'm so happy to be here with you." The doctor finally has his own voice line. "Okay, here we go. Get ready to push--" A fierce disturbance coaxes a howl of pain from you! The hospital room flashes red as the sensation the game wants to deliver, your body is frankly unable to answer. Teemo's distorted, pixelated face gives you a concerned look. "I-Is p-p-p-play one okay?" "Yes!" You shriek to the heavens. "But exit, exit game!" In the last moment, the AI grins and waves you off. You fall out of your bed hyperventilating. The ribbons of your conscience ravel back into their rightful places. That experience almost killed you! "I'm okay," you breathe, "I'm okay, I'm alive." It was worth it, though. You rest a hand on your stomach, and feel a little kick. It was worth it--in more ways than anyone will ever know. Part seven: Dating Profile Single and ready to mingle! Teemo, the Swift Scout. I'm a scout who lives in Bandle City, and am looking for a light, honest-to-heart relationship. Applicants ought to know right away that to get to me, you have to get through my BFF Tristana. We're thicker than thieves, on the job and outside of it! Likes: long walks in the jungle, my work, sharing a drink with friends. Dislikes: burst damage, hard CC, people who can't take a joke, drama. One thing to know about me: I'm a Yordle. You might have guessed it from my profile image, lol. That means I'm shorter, and more emotional than some human or cat-person or Zaunite project. I break down at sad movies and want to beat up the villains in my favorite action flicks (John Wick 2 and Shaolin Soccer, bee-tee-dubs :) ) What I want most in a partner: honesty and commitment. Someone who doesn't underestimate this scout's code. My passion: microbrewing, believe it or not. A quirk: I go to work shirtless ;) So if you think I am a fit, let me know ASAP: a stud like me can't be on the market long, right? Part Eight: a reply to Teemo's dating profile. Dear Teemo, Your body is so chiseled--gah, let me restart this missive xD I can tell from your eyes you have suffered a great hurt in your past, and I cannot help but desire to mend you. A little bit about me: I am a budding warrior from Demacia, known for dispensing justice. Yet no one, not even my own sister, ever asks me to dispense sound advice. There's something so isolating to living in a bubble, you know? I want to make mistakes with someone, get cuffed and put into the backseat of a police car with someone. I read that you're passionate, oftentimes in the wrong way, and I see potential. Potential for the two of us to grow and flourish; live our lives together in imperfection. Will you hold me at night and whisper "it's okay" after I give you a tearful rendition of how I killed a six-year-old Noxian child? How I surprised here from inside a bush and drove my blade through her chest, and into her stuffed animal? People see me as larger than life, but I am so much smaller than a Yordle. Please, deliver me from this constant grief and my devotion is yours to do with as you please. Hope to hear from you soon, xD Garen. Part Nine: Teemo's reply to Garen. Hello Garen of Demacia, You sound brave enough to me. Hope you're man enough for some extreme hiking in the Kumungu HAHEUAHAUAH hope 2 see u soon, Teemo Part Ten: Teemo sacrifices himself in a hostage crisis I regret to inform Bandle City that, at 1:25 PM Saturday, Teemo the swift scout succumbed to injuries endured while protecting the Yordle people. Captain Teemo, even on days off, was on duty. It was no different that fateful morning at the Bandle Mint, our largest bank. When Veigar broke through the glass windows and demanded hostages, it was Teemo who withdrew his concealed firearm, a blowgun, and saved the lives of countless citizens. We cannot guess as to what went through his head in the fight that ensued. But we hope that we, the people, were grateful enough to the scout that he had nothing but gratitude in his valorous last moments. The shard of dark magic that took his life has done the world the greatest disservice. Even its thrower, Veigar, has begged Bandle's forgiveness for removing this brave warrior from our charge. Teemo is survived by his maid, as well as his close friend Garen. As denoted in his will, Poppy will lay him to rest in the Grove Cemetary tomorrow evening, after a procession befitting his brave soul. To everyone grieving, remember that Teemo did everything in life for the betterment of your day. That he would not want to see tears, but smiles on the childrens' faces while they go towards, again, a promising and bright future. Thank you, Captain Teemo, for your duty. Your loss is gonna sting. Part Eleven: Teemo's valiant return to life. Urgot knew he was going to need even more power to fight the chem barons. More than his weaknesses permitted. There was but one option, gleaned by him from a lab report never meant to cross his eyes. A scout named Teemo had been shipped to Zaun for containment. While his kind weeped, Teemo was merely put into an unstoppable rest by Veigar's curse. The dreadnought knew how to break such spells. Crawling forward on crablike legs, he peered over the Yordle. Such surprisingly toned arms, and a stomach taut with muscle... Urgot never considered the ultimate life form would exist without outside... construction. Not able to resist the urge, he pounded the 'awake' button to Teemo. Lightning pierced the pollution clouds above Zaun, went on to strike the antenna-tower! Urgot laughed joyously as Teemo's body flailed, receiving enough electricity to light all of Piltover for a week straight. Alive, Teemo was becoming alive! The Yordle gasped, shooting up on his stone bed. He immediately tugged loose the IV's in his arm and stared at the dreadnought, trying to figure out what was going on. Urgot found it unbefitting of the ultimate life-form to be so surprised. Then Teemo softly grinned. "Thanks for that, big guy," he said. "Wow... look at those arms..." The mechanical man wiggled in embarrassment. "Oh, t-these old things? Weak, the pinnacle of human weakness, you know hard it can be to find good augments around here." "No, no! I bet you could break a watermelon with these cannons." In the hours that came, Urgot forgot all about killing the chembarons and taking over Zaun. Instead, history changed. Teemo saved the world by having a long discussion about thick arms with Urgot. Part Twelve: Teemo eats a poptart Male Yordles have slightly protruded muzzles that make their mouths into tunnels of tiny, adorable, razor sharp teeth. Of course, Teemo isn't thinking about his incredible body, especially not with the aroma of a s'mores poptart right under his pink nose. You, his maid, quit dusting his trophy shelves, distracted to an exxtreme. You risk a glance over--the scout is preparing to take a bite, just setting down the Bandle tribune. "You know," Teemo says, delaying the poptart. "I had a dream about baked goods. I was stuck in some magic box, with giant humans..." 'Eat it,' your mind begs. 'Please, for the love of everyone, take a bite out of your poptart.' After the great scare that was his 'death,' and subsequent resurrection in Zaun, you needed this. "You look famished," you comment. "Eat your food, m'lord." Oh, and how sly you think you are! Teemo grins, knowing full-well that you have a penchant for noticing the little things. He turns his chair over to you. Stuck against the shelves there is nowhere to look other than at him. Teemo lifts the poptart to his mouth. He bites it. You watch as his cute incisors tear apart the cracked outside of the poptart. Then the gooey marshmallow comes: a strand sticks between his right canine and far, top-right molar. How far will it stretch? Mmm... how far, darn it?! Unable to stand alone, you swing back to clutch one of Teemo's trophies--a statue of him leaping over a log, a Nature's Friend award for saving the Kumungu jungle. Glomp, crick, glomp. Chew, chew, chew. You think you've fared the worst of it. Then he stops with his mouth open to breathe, making a show of it just to brutalize your poor, poor sensibilities! A crumb escapes and crawls away on the wooden floor, broken. "Ah, it's so good," he mumbles through the mouthful. "As a good scout, I ought to finish this piece of my rations, and continue to the next. But this.. this bite is more scrumptious, somehow?" "Stop!" You yell. "No more, I yield, I yield!" Just then, Garen breaks into the room. He is unhappy. "What are you doing, dear?" Garen asks. "Don't tell me..." Teemo leans back and swallows. You watch the poptart mush go down into his gullet and the spell breaks, thank the Mothership. "Merely entertaining our maid." If anyone else sat where Teemo did, Garen might have lectured them. Yet the devil is far too charming. The Demacian warrior takes a seat. "Well," he says, "we have a long hike today. Eat your food." Your clutch your own head in consternation. Not another bite... Part thirteen: Leemo NOTE: this section is not about Teemo, but his brother I created, Leemo. Although related by blood, they are dangerous and devilish in different ways. Leemo was born in darkness, which is thought to be the reason for his dark velvet coat. Unlike the light-son Teemo, Leemo was cast away by his parents to live in the Deathcage Orphanage, an orphanage where even infants must fight to survive. Fight he did. His first kill was upon two snakes, who attacked him in hopes of poisoning his strong body. Then two bulls, who attacked him in hopes of poisoning his strong mind. Then two horses, who attacked him in hopes of poisoning his strong resolve. Leemo went on to become a freelance assassin. He has wavy purple fur that creates a human-like part over his brow. He never looks happy except in private when he finds a picture of his beloved, Jasmine, who perished in the HexTech wars. Unlike Teemo, Leemo is dangerous both on and off the battlefield. Say one thing wrong against him, like try to bully him, and he will beat you up. He likes to drink blood for breakfast, eat baby deer for dinner. Sometimes you can find the purple Yordle pondering the meaningless existence of life atop a stone gargoyle, or photoshopped onto the front cover of my Shadow the Hedgehog Videogame. It is foretold that the two brothers Teemo and Leemo will meet one day. Even so Leemo is my original character and I love him devoutly, I know Teemo will kill his brother in cold blood. The true 'original' characters is too pure, too powerful for any foolish iteration to improve upon. I cry knowing my precious and brooding Leemo is destined for the slaughterhouse. Teemo, if you are reading this, please spare Leemo. The sweetest wine is but one flavor, and Leemo is the flavor I partake in when you are busy. Sorry. So sorry. Big sorry. Part fourteen: Team Liquid gets new management. "Gimme back my bobblehead!" Piglet yelled, jumping up and down with his arms outstretched. Dardoch tittered, continued his mean game. The Teemo bobblehead, a precious heirloom to the marksman, shook its head 'no' in disappointment. "You will never get it back. I hate you, you play to lose." Locodoco, their coach, did nothing to alleviate the situation--instead, his grating laughter made it all the worse. "Fools, stop fighting, you guys are idiots who won't listen to me." "Idiots!" Cried Team Liquid's manager from the doorway. "Listen up. You are all very naughty so we have gotten the best to coach you. I had to sign a contract in my own blood." All the toxic players in the room cocked their head to the side, confused. So basically everyone except TL's support cocked their head to the side, confused. "Ay ay ay," the manager groaned. "Look down." Down by their manager's knees was none other than Devil Teemo! Piglet's eyes lit up with sardonic glee. At last, justice would be served to this naughty jungler. Teemo leaned on the doorway and smiled, knocking fear and titillation into the hearts of the young team. Locodoco perked up in his seat. "You are no Tristana, though," the coach whispered, unable to argue against his heart. "And yet, so striking..." "Trust me," Devil Teemo said in his demonic voice, "I get that a lot." "No way!" Dardoch cried. "We just teamed with Disney. this makes no sense." "You think the devil himself and Disney aren't close friends?" The way his long, pointed claws carved itno the door forced Dardoch to shut up. "You have been a sinner, Dardoch. Some might call you the Michael Jordan of League of Legends, switching teams so often, except you haven't actually won a tournament." The jungler flinched. "I wonder what your true 'breaking point' is. Consider yourself replaced." Teemo lifted out a single finger and flicked it up. A trap door opened beneath Dardoch, dragging the Team Liquid player into the fiery depths of League of Legends elo hell. Piglet cried with such joy that his voice cracked. Dardoch's last gesture was to drag his nails across the carpet before being sucked into infinite torture. Out from the flames rose a new jungler. A gaunt and humble student of Teemo. TheRainMan. "TheRainMan?!" Shouted Piglet. "No, it cannot be, he was made irrelevant years ago." "I used to live a quiet life, being toxic in games and sacrificing small animals to my Lord," TheRainMan explained. "One day, I found the strength to stop. Teemo has helped me remain strong ever since." Devil Teemo nodded. "Prove yourself to them, my servant." Nearby, Reignover was losing a game of League as per usual. TheRainMan pointed a single digit, which by dark magics became furred, long. A yellow bolt shot forth from his fingernail, hitting Reignover's screen. In an instant the camera broke away from the player's champion, panning towards the enemy nexus. It exploded. Team Liquid's manager gave a toothy grin. Disney had given him the power to change the fabric of league itself. Part Fifteen: A bit of his blood You sit there, reminiscing on your school paper assignment. This dissertation will decide whether or not you become the Bandle scientist your parents want you to be. The subject of your study is a simple one, yet intrinsically deep by its execution: is Teemo's scarf a part of his body, or a part of his outfit? Pencil in hand, you ponder the question. There is but seventy-two hours left to write, seventy-two hours to do an assignment said to take several weeks. Once again you drift to those long, red strands. If it was so simple as reaching forward and touching the beautiful silk pictured in your memory! The great Yordle, Teemo, is yars away, looking through books without a clue you're studying him. Sighing, you resign yourself to abject failure, putting away your papers. When, in the corner of your eye, you spot a strange substance by the shelves. The allure of the red liquid brings you closer to Teemo than ever before. Close enough to hear the Yordle curse under his breath and say four syllables that set your heart to floundering. "Ow," Teemo cries, "papercut!" The Yordle walks away without another word. The blood rests on the paper of the book. The book's title? Who cares... This is the blood of Teemo. A deep, red marker of the vivacious creature's existence. In the quiet, unoccupied annals of the Bandle library, Teemo unwittingly left it in your charge. What will you do with it? Touch it. There is enough there to get a full drop to form on the end of your pinky finger. It glistens red, and feels thicker in content than your, or anyone else's blood. You almost smell the scout's outdoorsy lifestyle in its formation. Not giving it a second thought you pop your pinky into your mouth. Lights of the entire rainbow hit you! In a second you find yourself strapped into a seat, pen let free! The euphoria of Teemo's blood gives you a lust for learning, a lust for all things in life. A mere drop grants you the rarest insight into the Yordle's scarf. It is both a part of him and a part of his outfit. An identity and a disguise, a mark of how he kills enemies then drinks with friends. Line after line after line--by the time you start to come down from the high, your dissertation is done. But Teemo has found you panting at one of the tables. He frowns, concerned. "You drank my blood, didn't you?" Teemo inspected his own finger, still bleeding from the papercut. "The addiction is so great, if we don't wean you off, you might die." You nod. That is fine. It was worth ultimate bliss. But the Yordle has no plans to let an innocent die due to his perfection. He hold out his arm. "I want you to pace yourself. It's okay..." Your memory begins to blacken and fade out just as you eagerly lift his hand towards your mouth. You see many things in your sleep. A tray of biscuits, a strange machine with many cords, a missive to Riot about fingers. You see a devilish him, a purple him, a him that coaches Team Liquid. You see floating poptarts and hot shoes. You realize how Teemo is an inter-dimensional gift sent to those who need someone to love. An animus. An inspirer. The genesis. As reality rips you away from this endless paradise, Teemo drags you towards his world for one last thing. Your lips finally meet. It is too indescribable, to inexplicable. When you awake, Teemo has left you to your own devices. You stand up and quietly, pleasantly, resume your day, content to put away all that has happened. I finish these words with the greatest joy. Finally my love has been explained, to both myself and to the world. Some will comment accusations like 'have you no shame,' to which I answer that I have plenty of shame, but only for holding back this long. Teemo, if you ever come before me, I adore you. You are my everything, my alpha and omega squad. If it comes to be that we ever can hold hands, know that nothing will ever separate us. Know that, even in the meanest thunderstorm, I will bury my face in your neck-scarf and expect safety, as you expect loyalty from me. We will be together, we will be... complete. Thank you Riot 'Ezreal' for designing the champion. Thank you Riot Games for allowing him in your game, League of Legends. Thank you to the community that plays, whose collective thoughts and desires coagulated into this post. On my lips I summarize all my love: Oh my god... Teemo. Phew! Glad that's over. Now that Teemo's out of the way, let me tell you guys how much I love Twitch... submitted by /u/Papaya_Dreaming to r/leagueoflegends [link] [comments]
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r/leagueoflegends |
Papaya_Dreaming |
Jul 30, 2017 |
United States
