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I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/motherofpete posting in r/Mommit Editor's note: SAHM means stay-at-home mom ——————————————— [Original | January 30th, 2025] Seriously considering quitting my six figure corporate job to be SAHM - seeking opinions I am a FTM (Editor's note: first-time mother) of a 9 month old boy. For a long time I struggled with the decision of whether or not to have children; at the top of my mind was that I derive a lot of my self worth from my career. Looking back, I think what I was truly trying to grapple with was subconsciously knowing that having children would completely shift my priorities and worldview and I would inevitably be faced with the dilemma of choosing between my children and my career, and knowing in my bones that my children would come first. Before I get into my situation - I know that there are TONS of moms out there that can do it all and that it’s absolutely possible to be an amazing successful working mother. I think what I am coming to terms with is that the mother I am while I am working is not the type of mother that I want to be. Some background - I come from a lower middle class family. My dad was self-employed while I was growing up and my mom stayed home to take care of my siblings and I. There were a lot of material things we did not have, but we never went without anything we needed and had abundant love. We were on government assistance for a bit, but I didn’t know that until I became an adult. I started working when I was 15 and since then I have always been able to buy what I want, when I want. I worked really hard in school and got a full scholarship to college. I moved out at 18 and worked while in school and had a ton of amazing opportunities in college. After I graduated I started my career in the finance/accounting world, and I have been at a company for the past 8 years where I now make 6 figures in a flexible WFH job where I am very comfortable and love my coworkers and the company I work for. I would say I derive the most satisfaction out of being good at my job and making good money, and not really the actual work that I do. I’m not passionate about accounting and when I try to envision my career 5-10 years down the line, I couldn’t really tell you what my aspirations are because I’m not particularly excited about what I do. I do, however, love that I never have to worry about strict budgeting and not being able to afford things I want to buy (nothing crazy, just like if I want to go out to eat with friends or buy a luxury skincare product or something I know I don’t have to worry about not having the money for it). I also look at my parents financial situation and they were not able to save for retirement, so that is really a source of stress for everyone and I’m fearful of ending up in that situation one day. I have been with my husband for 12 years and together we have a 9 month old son, our first child. Ever since I got pregnant I have really struggled with what to do in terms of childcare. I really put it off until after he was born and made a huge pro/con list of our different options. What I ultimately landed on that I could stomach was hiring a nanny that would take care of him while my husband and I both work from home. So we are now living in that reality of the nanny taking care of him during the day while we’re squirreled away in our offices working. I get the opportunity to see him throughout the day, but literally multiple times a day I hear him cry or see things she does that I would do differently and I just have this instinctual desire to do it myself. I just want to be home with him as his full time caretaker. I want to be the one teaching him things, taking him to the park, watching him develop. I know I have it so good in my current situation but most days it just feels like it’s not enough. I feel like I sit at my desk for 8 hours a day, soak up the few hours I have with him before and after working, and then have little time to do anything else. I can’t stop thinking about being a SAHM and being able to clean my house, get in a workout, grocery shop and meal prep during the week, bake things, run errands & actually leave the house, go to the library and play groups, and just be with my son. My husband and I have an incredibly solid relationship; he has a very tight handle on our finances and budget (in an uber responsible way, not like in a controlling way). He has all our finances mapped out and projections for the future and everything. On his income and our savings we can afford to live a modest life and have sufficient retirement savings. We’ll have to reel things in a bit but they’re doable. And the trade off would be me getting to take care of my son full time. What I really struggle with when grappling with the decision on whether to be a SAHM is that I worked hard to get to where I am today in my career, and I have a promising career ahead of me. I have probably the most flexible situation I could ask for that allows me to see my son during the week. Am I stupid for giving that up? Am I selfish for giving that up? What happens when my child/future children go back to school and I am completely set back in my career/have to start over? My job has given me great opportunities and I’m currently taking on some new tasks; am I letting them down if I decide to leave? Am I letting my nanny down if we decided to let her go? On the other hand – if I have the ability and desire to be my son’s full time caretaker, am I letting him down by not doing that? I change my mind about every five minutes on this. My husband is fully supportive of whatever I want to do. I don’t have many SAHMs in my circle so I feel like I’m missing a lot of that perspective. I would love to hear opinions/thoughts on this; does anyone out there have a similar experience? Edit: Thank you all so much for your feedback! You’ve given me a lot to consider & I appreciate hearing everyone’s experiences Relevant & Top Comments Commenter 1: We're virtually in the same exact situation. I am 36, I work full time from home in a pretty lax job, I am good at what I do and make pretty good money at week (6 figs also if that matters). Except I have 2 kids (4 and 2) and my first year of motherhood I had to spend juggling work and my baby (covid luck downs so no daycare, couldn't trust nannies). Here is how I decided to keep working. I don't love my job or what I do, but I do love my financial freedom and my ability to buy my kids anything they want, any treats, toys, trips. I try to balance my wfh style by not letting myself get sucked into a crazy 9 hours straight schedule. I used to schedule play time breaks during lunch and the afternoon when kids were home. As they get older they learn you can come play and then say goodbye when you have to go. I still do laundry while on calls. We don't want to just retire. If possible, we want to retire early and travel. That's not something we can do on just 1 income. I decided we can also use some of the extra income to "buy back" our time. So instead of spending my weekends cleaning, I do a light tidy up at the end of the day and we have a cleaning angel come every 2 weeks to actually clean. It works for us. We kept each kid home with a nanny until they were about 2yo, when they started itching for socialization and learning in a setting I couldn't give them. It was time for daycare then anyway. Never make a huge decision for you and your family based on how the company or the nanny would feel. Those are financial relationships only. Do what's best for you and your family. Using a nanny, daycare or even just asking Grandparents to babysit, remember: if you leave your child with them, you need to relinquish some control. They will never do it like you would, they can't. But you have to trust them to do their best and keep your child safe and happy as much s they can. You will never find someone who is a mom to your baby as well as you are. I decided I wasn't ready to give up all the pros my job and career afford me for 1 year at home with my first and 2 with my second. I love them more than I can say and miss them when they're at daycare, but they're thriving and making friends. Commenter 2: You are romanticizing being a SAHM, many of the things you list are not realistic until preK, and even then not really until full time school. My kids are now both school aged and your list is NOW my list. But I spent 7 years drowning in tantrums and play dough to get here. Now I can meal prep, get in a workout, clean my home and not be 6 loads of laundry behind. But the stage of parenting you are at is VERY hands on and mentally draining. It doesn’t mean it’s not rewarding, it certainly is! But it’s not the dream people like to picture it as. Reducing your hours and taking a pay cut would give you the best of both worlds. I’d explore that option first and if you find it’s still not enough, then you’ll have your answer and know what to do! ——————————————— [Update | November 19th, 2025 | 10 Months Later] Almost quit corporate job to be SAHM - Update I posted here early this year when my son was 9 months old when I was struggling hard with whether I should quit my job and become a SAHM. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and constantly torn between wanting to be with my baby and wanting to keep the career I had worked so hard for. I wanted to come back and give an update because my entire perspective has changed in a really good way. First, I’m so glad I didn’t quit my job. Looking back, so much of my inner turmoil came down to two things I didn’t fully understand at the time: I hated our nanny. I didn’t realize just how much that was affecting everything. Her style didn’t mesh with mine at all, and hearing or seeing things that bothered me made me feel like I needed to be the one doing everything. When we eventually replaced her, it was like night and day. Our new nanny is AMAZING - warm, aligned with how we parent, genuinely loves my son, and I trust her completely. That one change relieved about 80% of the stress I was feeling. I was deep in postpartum & anxiety without realizing it. Once I got farther out of the newborn trenches, my anxiety improved significantly. I can see now how raw and vulnerable that stage made me. It felt impossible at the time to separate my instincts from my fear, and a lot of my “maybe I should quit” thoughts were driven by panic, not actual desire to be a SAHM. Now my son is so active, social, and busy that I honestly can’t imagine being home full time with him right now. He thrives with structure and stimulation, and I’m grateful he gets that every day. And on my end: I got new opportunities at work, I was promoted, I feel good at what I do, and I’m genuinely relieved I didn’t walk away from everything I’d built. I still love being a hands-on mom but I no longer feel like I have to choose between that and my career. Keeping my job has given my family better financial security and has given me a sense of personal accomplishment. If you’re in the thick of that decision right now, please know you’re not alone. Sometimes the problem isn’t work vs. motherhood but it’s the support system around you, the stage you’re in, or the fact that postpartum hormones make you feel like every decision is life-altering and irreversible. I’m grateful I waited & I’m grateful things changed for the better (and I am so aware of how LUCKY and privileged I am to be able to have a nanny for my son and the luxury of even having this choice on the table) Happy to answer questions for anyone in the same place I was last year. Relevant & Top Comments Commenter 1: Glad you figured out the nanny situation was the real problem. Amazing how one bad caregiver can make you question everything about your life choices. Commenter 2: Im working through this exact situation except with daycare! I think all of these points are totally valid and a helpful reminder! I’m glad this worked out for you. I learned i dont care about my career and haven’t for a long time. I want nothing to do with corporate. It feels like a breath of fresh air for ME to quit and pivot to a new career, all while staying home with my baby while I work through it. I can always go back to what I did, maybe at less pay but I’m okay with that. I had a lot of pressure in my job and it made my PPA lead to extreme burnout and paranoia, all while people are being laid off left and right. OOP: I wish I had the clarity you seem to have!! And literally so valid to quit your job if you can swing it financially and it’s not fulfilling you anymore. Life’s too short to be unhappy Commenter 3: I’m also going through the same thing right now but with daycare. I am in a weird situation with work but essentially I had to choose to get my job back or get a few more months at home and try to find a daycare spot. I immediately wanted to quit and be with my baby, but realistically my career would be over if I made that choice and I enjoy the financial freedom that my job gives me. I worked really hard to get here and it would be awful to give it all up knowing I could likely never get it back. Plus I know if I put in the time I would have plenty of opportunities to grow. I sure will miss her every day when she goes into daycare and I’m sure our days will be very hectic with drop off/pick up’s etc, but I also feel like our interactions will be more quality and she would benefit from the kind of stimulation daycare will provide, especially at 9 months old. Being a mom is so hard and there never seems to be a ‘right’ thing to do, just something that is right for you OOP: I feel for you!!! It’s so hard no matter what you do, it feels like you have no choice but to sacrifice something. I will say I do feel like it’s gotten a lot easier as he’s gotten older and more independent so it doesn’t feel so hard forever ——————————————— THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS submitted by /u/Awwndrei to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/scifisquirrel posting in r/tifu Previous BoRU missing latest updates can be found here ——————————————— [Original | August 4th, 2022] TIFU I thought a cute guy was ghosting me....only to find out I was actually ghosting him. I was at a party two weeks ago, where I only knew two people. when in walks this guy who immediately gave me this really big smile and I thought he was so gorgeous. We ended up talking in the same circle and he introduces himself. We start chatting and quickly find the circle around us has disappeared and it is just us. He is so smart, his smile is outrageously cute, and I love how he seems laser focused on me instead of one of the many attractive women that have now joined the party and are talking about their cool Raya dates. As the night wore on, I found myself talking to various different groups, but, each time this guy would appear again and we'd end up just talking to each other again. Someone who neither of us knew came up and said we made an attractive couple, and I realized somehow in the span of two hours we were already acting like a couple. It wasn't just being sexually attracted to him, I felt so comfortable around him and he was so attentive to my needs. I told him offhand I had allergies to the dog at the party. Hours later when I started sneezing he immediately knew why and moved us outside. His smile was the thing that immediately caught my attention but it was the thoughtfulness that made it so at the end of the night, we catch an Uber home together and end up kissing. Before the Uber drops him off I give him my number. Sunday comes, don't hear from him. Ok, ok, I get it, we both got home at 4am and I too just want to sleep the day away. Monday comes. Silence. Tuesday, even more silence. I know I've read how it is "uncool" to text a girl immediately because you want to seem super cool and wanted, but we're both in our mid-thirties and, I hoped, realized these mind games are bullshit. If you like someone, text them when you can. Life is too short to be with people half-interested in you. Wednesday comes and I'm a mixture of angry and over it and insecure all at the same time. How dare he lead me on like this! ...Well, I guess I'm glad I only wasted one night on this asshole....was I not pretty enough? All these thoughts raced through my head and coalesced into me typing his name and work place into Google to see if I can find him. Turns out, he was incredibly easy to find. I was planning on just looking at him because I missed his face, but I accidentally clicked the link that brought me to his LinkedIn page. Yikes! Now he'll know that I stalked him which made me feel even worse. >.< I probably looked crazy. Welp, since I was already on his page I guess I'd look at where he had worked. Maybe he wasn't really interesting and I'd feel better about him ghosting me. Nope, turns out he is not only very smart but also humble because his resume listed a dozen different cool jobs, impressive schools he's attended, things he's worked on. Great, I probably wasn't impressive enough for him. -_- Not thirty minutes later he friends me on LinkedIn, but seems surprised that I was reaching out. He had evidently texted me that night, and again the next day, only to not hear anything back. I had ghosted him. And this is how we found out my fuck up. When I gave him my number, turns out I was off by a digit. Turns out, tipsy me isn't so great at typing or proofreading. If I hadn't been a creepy LinkedIn stalker, it could have been months, if ever, before we would have seen each other again. Right now we're laughing about it and setting up our first real date. Wish me luck Reddit! TL;DR Thought a cute guy was ghosting me. Turns out, I gave him the wrong number. Fixed my fuck up by using my cyber stalking skills, and now we're going on a date! Relevant & Top Comments Commenter 1: Can’t believe sliding into someone’s linkedin DMs actually worked Commenter 2: This story is straight up wholesome. Hope it works out. If it does you're going to have an amazing story to tell down the road. OOP: Thank you so much! I hope it does! He’s so cute and so sweet. Thanks for the award! Commenter 3: My wife and I met at a bar. We got to talking and lost track of time and everyone else. Hours went by and as her friends finally came to drag her away she wrote her phone number on my hand. My dumb ass didn’t think to write it down somewhere else so the next morning when I looked at the palm of my hand the numbers had smeared enough where I could only make out four of the seven clearly. So I got to dialing. Took me a while but I finally got her. It took me long enough that she didn’t think I was going to call. It all worked out though. We’ve been together now for 31 years and married for 29. ——————————————— [Update 1 | August 17th, 2023 | 1 Year Later] TIFUpdate a year ago I gave a guy the wrong number and then stalked him on LinkedIn A year ago I met a cute guy at a party, accidentally gave him the wrong number, and then found him again on LinkedIn. The last post stopped at the point where I had now given him my correct phone number. We decided for our first date to walk around a park near the city and then grab a drink. I was anxious as soon as the date was set. Besides the normal first date jitters, I also carried the secret that I had posted the story of how I reconnected with him on reddit. Some thirty-five thousand people had upvoted it. Thousands more had seen it. I needed to tell him about the reddit post but I was scared of how he would react. He probably already thought I was weird for looking him up on LinkedIn. I had no idea if he would see me posting our story to Reddit as a breach of his privacy, or attention seeking, or just plain weird. The day of our date I waited for him by a park fountain. When I saw him walking towards me my heart skipped. I got made fun of in my last post for how much I complimented this guy’s smile and I don’t even care. Seeing him smile made me immediately happier. It also made me even more worried that I had messed up even the possibility of us becoming a thing by posting our story for the world to see. We walked around the park and sat to talk under a pair of trees. It was a beautiful late summer day. I found myself holding his hand. Slowly we headed to the nearby bar, and by this time I was shaking. When I got my drink in hand, I took a few sips and the words tumbled out. I thought our reconnection story was funny so I posted it to Reddit. I had gotten maybe twenty upvotes on anything I had ever posted before this, so I expected much the same. Then I started to get dozens of notifications from hundreds of people commenting on the post. A friend sent me the post because they thought I’d enjoy it. My sister called and asked if I had written it because she recognized my writing style. A newspaper wrote an article about it. The post had taken on a life of its own. Then I showed him the reddit post. He read it quietly. When he was done, he stood up, came over, and gave me a kiss. With that I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. I learned he himself uses reddit and thought the post was sweet. The rest of the date we read the comments together and laughed about the whole thing. Later that week he came over to my apartment and we cooked dinner together and talked more. Our conversation turned to the fact that neither of us liked casually dating multiple people at the same time. We didn’t know exactly what this was yet, but we knew we already liked each other. With that, it seemed we were dating. The first few weeks of dating sped by, filled with apple picking, hiking, and many soup dumplings. I learned at late night karaoke that he has a beautiful singing voice, and he learned that I definitely did not, lol. I told a friend later that we were dating and she asked yes, but is he your Boyfriend? Evidently in this new world of constant casualness you could be monogamously dating just for the fun of it but becoming a boyfriend or girlfriend meant you saw this person as someone really important. In previous relationships I had felt like I was “supposed” to wait until the guy said he wanted to be with me, and it would look desperate to say ‘I love you’ before the guy did. This relationship felt different. There was no feeling that he was waiting to text me back to look cooler and more unavailable. There was no avoidance of talk about the future. It just felt like two people that were enjoying learning about each other, which in turn made me feel comfortable being open and honest with him. So after six weeks of dating-but-maybe-not-being-my-boyfriend, I wrote my feelings down on a card and asked him to be my official boyfriend. And he accepted! The rest of the year has been filled with adventures to foreign places where I proceeded to get us lost, twice, in a place after dark with no street lights (still sorry about that one babe!) and many trips to the grocery store that were thankfully a little less tumultuous. We’ve danced late into the night at concerts and cuddled in bed watching TV (we just finished Avatar the Last Airbender, the animated series). I’ve fallen asleep on his chest to the sound of the pattering rain, my last thoughts at the brink of sleep that I have never felt so safe. I’ve woken up next to him and looked over at his face that looks so young and relaxed in sleep. But the hair that falls over his face already has some grey in it; seeing it fills me with sadness that our time together on this planet is finite. Over the last year he has shown in a thousand small ways that he is not only a great boyfriend but a thoughtful friend and a caring son. My friends and family love him, and that makes me love him all the more. He always makes me feel heard and seen, and he builds me up in a way that makes me feel like the best version of myself around him. He is brilliant, and competent at his job which is sexy as hell. He’s serious enough to have his finances in order but will still let loose and do silly dance moves with me while we’re cooking breakfast. He is very clean, so I have never once felt like I shouldered the burden of housekeeping. I’m actually messier than him and have put a lot of effort into being cleaner out of respect. Not once has he raised his voice, and throughout this whole year I don’t think we’ve gotten into an argument. This relationship feels healthy, and happy, and calm. I got a few comments from my last post that looking up someone on LinkedIn when they haven’t texted is crazy. Please know that if he had turned me down on LinkedIn I would have respected this and not contacted him further. It is just within a few hours of meeting this man, he felt inexplicably important in my life. I’m glad I trusted my gut to try and find him. This last part is to my boyfriend, who wanted to be surprised by what I wrote. Over the last year you have become my favorite person and my best friend. I am so grateful that I met you, and grateful for each day I get to wake up next to you. I can’t wait to see what this next year brings for us. I love you, very much. TL;DR: We’re dating!! ——————————————— [Update 2 | September 7th, 2024 | 2 Years Later | r/EngagementRings ] Help me find the ring of my dreams? Hey there! My fiancee (ahhh!) actually already asked the question, but we didn't want to tell others until I have a ring! It's totally my fault since I am both picky and indecisive so I'm hoping you'll help me. Wants: White gold Pave, preferably with milgrain on the edges Tapered cathedral setting, preferably lower set Lab oval diamond, around 1.75 carats, excellent cut and as close to colorless as possible. 1.8-2mm band Prong style: Six claw style prongs around the diamond Does anyone know a jeweler that can help me in the NYC area? Ideally I'd love my budget to stick around 3500 and I'd love to work with a smaller jeweler if possible! Relevant & Top Comments Commenter 1: Definitely check out Catherine Angiel. She has such stunning designs and she was such a joy to work with! OOP: Thank you so much! I love her style! ——————————————— [Update 3 | November 7th, 2024 | 2 Years Later | r/namenerds ] Thoughts on Cassian? My husband and I are expecting a little boy in a few months, and the only name we both seem to like is Cassian. It seems the only meaning it has is Greek for "hollow" or "vain." We just like the way it sounds. We both live in America, I am white and Jewish and he is Chinese. Commenter 1: I personally love the name, but with it being a main character in Sarah J Maas’ book series A Court of Thorns and Roses, I would be worried that people will only associate the name with that. I’m a big fan of the series so I don’t think I could do it. However, it’s a real name and has been around longer than the book series. OOP: I’ve never heard of the series! It sounds nice though. Commenter 2: I like it! It’s the name of the main character in the tv show Andor which is in the Star Wars universe. That character was in one of the big movies too. He’s a great character actually so the association is not bad. I also like how it sounds and I like the shortened version for shouting across a play field - Cass Commenter 3: I think it's a handsome name! It sounds on-trend, but isn't too common, and has nice nicknames. The origin is Roman, though, not Greek. OOP: Whoops sorry thank you! 🙏 ——————————————— Editor's note: OOP confirmed to me in DMs that she married the same guy from her first post, and that her son is now 1 :) THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS submitted by /u/Awwndrei to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

6’2 clocking in at 350lbs. I’m at the point I need to reach out for help, I am capable of eating healthy foods and cooking. I am looking for someone to help me with a grocery list. I feel Ike I either order to little or to much and just the wrong things. I have cleaned my fridge and planning to go to the grocery store 1st thing in the morning. Here is the important info. - $150 budget but can spend up to $200 - I’m looking for a grocery list that I can keep using and won’t have to change up much. -I use aldis/walmart+/amazon/Trader Joe’s. - I own a instant pot/air fryer/microwave/stove - have lil knowledge on how keto exactly works but willing to get educated. - I am also planning on mixing intermittent fasting with this. I find myself making the worst diet decisions when I’m hungry and starting to think just having something ready would help, he’ll even just knowing I have something prepped when I’m out driving will stop me from just pulling thru a drive thru knowing I have a home cooked meal or quick snacks. Can someone help create me a list that I can use to help get myself on track, doesn’t need to be super accurate, but that would be a plus. Edit: thanks for everyone who pitched in with the info. I didn’t know you can even eat half the stuff that’s being mentioned on keto in the comments. I’m gonna use this as a stepping stone. I appreciate all the information! submitted by /u/HandOverFist112 to r/keto [link] [comments]

OP originally [posted] (https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/u6n6ou/boyfriend_currently_living_with_me_in_the_home/) on r/personalfinance, but mods removed it and directed her to r/relationships or r/advice. I used her r/personalfinance post title for this title for simplicity, but I will be reposting her r/relationship_advice posts. Trigger Warning: none My [30F] live-in boyfriend [31M] is buying a house with his sister [27F] and expecting me to go along for the ride link Original post made April 18, 2022 This is an absolute mess and I am seeking advice on how to proceed. Friends for 10 years, a couple for 9 months, we have a great relationship with solid communication skills! We are both in agreement that we would live to get married and have a family later in life. I bought a home in 2017 - I (30F) have a regular 30 year loan at an amazing rate (CA, 2.65%) with 20% that I put down upon purchase. I have also spent around 50-60k on upgrades over the years. I would say that I am very financially healthy. I have been successfully renting two rooms out in my house - I gave notice to one of my roommates so that my boyfriend (31) could move in here and have a home office - he pays me rent monthly of an amount that we agreed upon. He moved in 2 weeks ago after living at his parent's house ever since college graduation - we have been planning to move in together for a while and took plenty of time for us to continue our relationship and to give my roommate fair notice. I live 13 minutes away from his parents house and we are both in a suburban area in Southern CA. During this whole process (last few months) we were looking at houses in another part of the area, that is "nicer (also the same area his parents live)" and there was nothing that really lined up. Quickly this turned into him and his sister looking for homes - because now the down payment was coming from his parents to his sister (they say "inheritance given early") and is now them teaming up to buy a nicer house together instead of something less expensive for each of them. The idea was going to be 50% down payment from the sister (via parents) and 50% loan taken out by my boyfriend, with a total budget of 1.1. So a home pops up in the parent's neighborhood, like around the corner, and they go into a frenzy over this house. The house is listed for 1.3 and they offer 1.46 all cash, and they get it. The parents offered the cash with the contingency set on my boyfriend paying back all money over the 1.1.. They are currently on day 8 of a 12 day escrow... The home inspection returned a lot of issues such as new copper plumbing, bad roof, bad electrical, cracked drive way, and the entire interior is original thus needs remodeling. They said they will remodel the entire inside before they move in. Well now the idea has changed to oh it's a good area let's move in and suck it up and remodel later when things calm down. Well I am over here feeling like a huge outsider, so I sit my boyfriend down and I say I want to be with you but what is the plan here, I am a long term thinker and now I am in a position to have to live with you and your sister or not live with you at all, and I want to marry you but not your sister.... He says well my plan is once we are ready to have a family we will find another place. In the meantime he made a spreadsheet and I will be paying sizeable rent ($1100) to them plus 1/3 of utilities - for the house as is OR remodeled. At the same time I will have to rent my home out, manage the property, and deal with tax implications of rental income. I would now have to rent my house out and then pay towards a home that isn't even in my boyfriend's ownership. Not to mention that I would yes have this home to me always since I purchased on my own, but eventually I would want to use this as leverage to leap frog to a nicer property, or just keep it as a rental forever. I don't understand how this will work. If they both don't have the capital to buy on their own, how would they dissolve this home and one of them move out. It doesn't add up to me. Not to mention literally one of the worst times to buy a home with interest rates soaring, I would be nervous of even securing a loan to pay back the parents. None of them HAVE to buy a home, she lives at home and he lives with me. The parents and the sister are completely sold on this place, there is no talking them out of it, and my boyfriend won't stop saying how it is the best neighborhood in the area and it will go up in value blah blah....well I don't even understand how that is relevant when he is going to be owning a home with his sister. There is nowhere in this equation to add me as a life partner and I do not want to get stuck in this ugly financial situation with his parents and sister. This has nothing to do with the family or the sister, they are lovely, but when my boyfriend and I both agree that we would like to get married, I don't see how I can ride this one out because my boyfriend doesn't like the area of my home right now.... Cross posted on personal finance. TL;DR My otherwise wonderful boyfriend is buying a house (in the same neighborhood as their parents) with his sister using some of their parents money and expects me to go live there and rent out my house I will be posting two of her comment replies from the original post that I think are pertinent: plumberchick Am I the only one who noticed Parents giving one child enough money for a down payment while the other has to take out loans is sketchy. Golden Child / Scapegoat kinda sketchy. bouganvilea25 Hi. It seems they want to live near the parents (they want to or the parents made them believe they want). The decision is not wise, financial and living situation. In the same time, you have your house. You should never give it up to move in with him and his family (sister). People who want to have a family will make something for the so called family. Will build together with the SO. His priorities seem to be different. What I did not understand is why you would give up your personal and owned space in order to live with his relative (in a broken house). This is not wise. Plus: don't forget he never had his own space. He probably thrives for it. UPDATE/requesting new advice: My [30F] boyfriend [31M] co-bought a house with his sister [27F] and I am freaking out about moving there because of his overbearing family link Original post made May 22, 2022 I posted about a month ago about the house that my boyfriend and his sister were buying - it was a complete fixer upper and nightmare. They fell out of escrow 1 day before close and ended up getting another turn key house. POST HERE: [og post] (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/u6o2cf/my_30f_livein_boyfriend_31m_is_buying_a_house/) At this time my boyfriend was living with me in my house (that I own - I have a standard mortgage and I rent out my extra room to lighten the financial load). The entire process ended up being very stressful on me - the lack of communication from him and constantly changing terms were frustrating. He moved out the day after they closed escrow and he did not tell me that was his plan - I asked him if he was going to move there right away and he said yes. This was problem #1 - as I gave 45 day notice to my previous 2nd roommate so that he could move in here. So he now left me with an empty second room, and he didn't pay any rent towards that lost income. After much deliberation and a deeply personal choice - I opted to sell my home and move in with him. I live in SoCal and my home went into escrow almost immediately and I am set to close in 2 weeks. This would allow me to relieve some family tensions (financial tie to my dad - as I pay him monthly for the down payment on my home - plus interest) and to give me the chance to be comfortable in case things go south with my boyfriend and I have to move out. Problem #2 - I quickly noticed that I am not moving in with just my boyfriend, but his family. I am not living there yet but I can see the Ring camera etc and the parents are there every single day...they live around the corner. It's .... a lot. The parents and sister are very nice but this is starting to feel like a big step backwards because I am going to be giving up that one on one time that I love with my boyfriend. This feels completely different than living with a roommate who has their own life, this is living with a family member in a very enmeshed family. I have always opted to live with Craigslist people because I figured out that I do NOT like living with friends - it is extremely overwhelming to have your social life follow you home (see socially skilled introvert). As I get closer and closer to moving there I am panicking more and more. We sat down and had a real discussion about a timeline of leaving that house and boundaries with the sister and parents but I am terrified of being there and being uncomfortable.... I don't even live there yet and I am bothered by the excessive visits from the parents. I find myself looking at guest houses to rent.... He is DUMPING money into this house and it makes me feel further and further from the goal of leaving and having our own place.... OWNERSHIP: 90% sister, 10% boyfriend. Boyfriend pays the sister monthly on a 4 year term to reach 10% ownership. I asked him why are you putting so much money into a house that you only will own 10% of? He said because he is living there. As a home owner myself I just don't understand this concept at all... I am living there too and I won't be spending all of this money on upgrades. I told myself I could give it 2 months living there and if I am really not comfortable then I leave - I really would love advice here - or do I stop this train in its tracks now and turn back - rent a place for a while and see how this relationship can grow. I think part of this anxiety is also coming from not feeling like that is "home," I feel very much like an outsider. Maybe that will ease with time there... The family is in constant contact - they group chat daily, they go out to dinner as a group often, I mean a lot of interaction... grocery shopping together, etc. I wouldn't say that being close with your family is a red flag - but I would say that not setting boundaries with an overbearing family is a possible red flag... It's not like it's that easy to go find a place to rent these days though - I have a small dog who needs access to a yard of some sort - so that makes it a little more tough - also signing a lease... TLDR; Boyfriend [31m] of 9 months [friends for 10 years] bought a house with his sister and I [30f] am panicking about living there with his overbearing family [CA] Fiance ended our relationship and left me with thousands of dollars in lost deposits link Original post made 2 years ago Fiance ended relationship - California - and there was no honest effort on his end to work through tough times (post for a relationship sub...) His parents were to contribute 25k towards the wedding - I never received this money All deposits were paid by me on my credit card Wedding was scheduled for August 2024 Despite a ton of notice of cancelation, contracts are contracts, and I was only able to recuperate 25% of the venue deposit (largest deposit). I did not get any of the other money back and this has equated to a huge financial loss - more than 25k. Considering that there was no cheating, abuse, etc I would like him to reimburse me entirely, but knowing him I will be lucky if I see $1, so I was planning on asking him to pay 50%. I am happy to set up a payment plan with him but I would like to pursue legal action if he does not agree under the promissory estoppel laws. Do I have a case? comment by deleted (https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/17kaa63/comment/k7707it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) There’s no requirement that a person make an “honest effort” to work on a relationship to end an engagement, same with there being cheating/abuse (unless you’re in a covenant marriage, which doesn’t exist in California). Sounds time that your reliance was on his parents’ money ($25K), not your ex-fiancé. Edit: good news is that you do get to keep the engagement ring. Other information that can be relevant from OP's post history: her previous boyfriend was much, much worse. He was a drug dealer and destroyed her house. After ending that engagement on the last update, she became a sugarbaby. At some point, OP was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is currently taking medication. I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub. submitted by /u/DELAIZ to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Rent is supposed to be 30% of your income, right? So if you make $2,600 a month your rent should be no more than $780. Already not realistic for Northern New Jersey. Apartment from rent, here are my set expenses. Car insurance averages $365 a month. Cell phone $80 a month. Life insurance is about $100 a month. Gas currently with my commute to work is about $200. Groceries on a strict budget is $200 a month. So. Non-negotiable expenses are at 1,050 WITHOUT RENT AND WITHOUT UTILITIES. If I’m paying 1,050 for rent, and my set, unchanging expenses are another 1,050, that’s $2,100 right there without utilities, vet bills, car repairs, medication, etc. I have no credit card debt. I’m already on MANY waiting lists for income-based housing but the lists are YEARS in the waiting. I’m 48 years old, a lady alone now that my partner has ended our relationship and I have to figure out the rest of my life alone. The only places that have “low” rent average 1600 a month for not so safe neighborhoods (think Newark area). I just don’t know how I can do this alone. I’m drowning. I’m terrified. Yes, I have looked for rooms for rent. I’ve looked at message boards and “roommates wanted” ads. Even Facebook classifieds. It’s more about the MONEY, and trying to find a place to rent that’s within that income/rent problem. Does this make sense to you guys? submitted by /u/SigridTheVictorious to r/povertyfinance [link] [comments]

With grocery prices where they are right now, eating well on a limited budget feels harder than ever. It is easy to spend too much without realising it. I am trying to build a list of meals that are affordable, filling, and still reasonably healthy using Canadian grocery prices. Not extreme survival food, but realistic everyday meals. What meals or grocery strategies help you stretch your food budget the furthest? submitted by /u/Zestyclose-Day9699 to r/32dollars [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TheDreamingMyriad My (26F) brother (22M) and his fiance of nearly 2 years (21F) are planning a wedding that is an etiquette nightmare and I'm not sure how to handle it. TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement, infidelity Original Post Nov 10, 2014 This is going to be a wall of text so I apologize in advance. My 22 year old brother, Andrew, and his 21 year old fiance, Christy, have been "planning" their wedding for over a year now. The date is set for April 25th of 2015. Initially, she had asked me to be a bridesmaid, but after she also wanted my daughter to be a flower girl, my husband to be a groomsman, me to do her makeup and engagement photos as a gift to her, and help with details the day of, I felt it was too much on one plate. Also, quite frankly, I can't afford her very specific dress (floor length ball gown, which she still has not selected), specific shoes, a tux for my hubby, a flower girl dress for my daughter, high quality makeup in her skin tone, and over $500 in photo sittings and editing. It's just too much time and money that I don't have. I sat her and my brother down and gently let them know that I wouldn't be a bridesmaid, though I was honored she chose me, because I didn't think I'd be a good bridesmaid with so much on my plate. They seemed sad but took it well and, until recently, had no further problems. Fast forward to this past weekend. They came over for dinner and talked with me and my mom about their wedding plans. I'm just going to sum those ideas up here. They want to have their ceremony outside. We mentioned that it would almost certainly be freezing. On the same date this past year, it was 30 degrees with a 15 mph icy wind and ice rain later in the day. Christy's response was "well I should be warm in my dress, it's pretty heavy." They have a venue that has plenty of indoor area so they can get married there in worst case scenario but they basically have said unless it's snowing or pissing rain, it'll be outside. I'm sure her bridesmaids in their strapless dresses and flip flops or slippers will love that. As for my 1 year old daughter, I'm not forcing her to stay out in cold like that in a tea length dress with no sleeves. I don't know how to politely say, "I'm not torturing my daughter or risking her becoming ill because you want a spring wedding in a wintery month." As for the date, they REFUSE to change it. They've told us that April 20th has no significance, is not an anniversary, and has nothing to do with their relationship. But they will NOT change it, even though we've gently mentioned, "hey, May should be much warmer and would definitely make it easier for an outdoor wedding, especially for your guests!" Their response is that April 25th is the date, period, and the guests don't matter because it's "their" day. Okay, fine whatever, we'll bundle up I guess. Their plan is to have the ceremony under a gazebo type structure. A very old family friend got some online thing from some vague church so he could marry people. He loves it! We've all known him since we were young, and he offered to officiate my wedding, and wrote a wonderful ceremony for a handfasting for my mom and dad's 25th anniversary/vow renewal, all completely for free. Andrew asked said family friend to officiate and he accepted. Last night we told Christy and Andrew it's getting closer so they need to meet up with the officiant so he can do an interview. They both asked, "why?". We explained that the officiant was a close family friend, that's why they asked him to do it, and he likes to get a feel for the both of you and your relationship so he can officiate a beautiful ceremony. They don't want that. They just want a general "do you? Do you? You're now married." Okay, that seems to defeat the purpose of a personal family friend performing it but if that's what they want. Anyway, then we asked what they were going to give the officiant for a gift. They both said nothing. No gift. Why do they need to give him a gift? They're also not paying him as he's doing it for free. At this point my mom and I are afraid to hear more. But we need to know what's going on. So after the ceremony, their plan is to go to a wedding luncheon. With the wedding party only. That would include his parents, her parents, me and the hubby, her bridesmaids, his groomsmen, and the flower girls/ring bearer. This would exclude the officiant and all the other guests, including her brothers and sisters, as well as my sister and brother. At this point, all other guests would be told to go get lunch, and I quote, "wherever" and we'll meet back here in a couple hours. At this "wedding luncheon", at a reastaurant in the next town over that's about 20 minutes away, we are all supposed to foot our own bill. Then we drive back and we, as in my family (including the ones not invited to the luncheon), set up the decor and everything else for the reception because Andrew and Christy will be "getting ready". After we get everything taken care of, there will be cake cutting and dancing. And then "the end" on the wedding. No food, snacks, nibbles, cocktails, nothing like that will be provided during the course of this wedding. Andrew also dropped the bomb that my grandmother, my father's mom, would not be invited because she didn't remember who Christy was at my daughter's first birthday last month. The back story on that? Let's start with the fact that she's 80. Then let's go on to the fact that that she's met Christy once and only once, almost 2 years ago. Lastly, my grandma had 9 kids. Those 9 kids married. They all had a minimum of 4 children. Many of those children are now married and have children. My grandmother has over 65 grandchildren (I don't even know the exact #, I stopped keeping track years ago), about 10 of which have recently or are about to get married. She's 80. She has a hard enough time keeping track of how many people are in her family, nevermind what their names are. It was absolutely nothing personal that she didn't know Christy's name. She just forgot, it has been 2 years for chrissake! So despite her being the only living grandparent we have left, and despite her driving the hour here to make it to Andrews school performances and sending birthday cards every year without fail to her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren (Andrew included), she's now not to be invited. I know this is ranty but all this plain, bald faced rudeness is flooring me and I don't know how to handle it. My dad, once we told him his mom wouldn't be invited, was not only hurt but angry. He said he will not go if his mom is not invited. Andrew is insisting on not inviting any of the others from that side of the family, and with such high numbers I can understand, but at least inviting grandma would be polite, not to mention loving. My sister, my mom, and I put together a wedding planning book for them ages ago and gave it to them. It had tips for a small budget, etiquette, timelines, checklists, and a breakdown of what a basic wedding should have. We got info from multiple sources and spent the time collecting and printing it, but it's completely obvious they haven't looked at it at all. It's like they want this big and beautiful wedding, but they pick out anything that costs them money or means they have to work. Gifts for people who do us favors? NAH. Big princess wedding dress? Check! Supplying food and refreshment of some kind? Meh, they can go get taco bell or something. Exquisite floor length gowns with exact matching specified cut and color for wedding party? Check! Paying for said gowns? Nah, too expensive for us, I'm sure everyone else can afford it. Am I being over the top? Is it just me? Or is this really ridiculous wedding behavior? I've been to maybe 6 weddings in my life, attended in 3, fully planned 1, and have helped plan another. I am all for modern weddings where you throw the whole "brides family pays for this, grooms family pays for that" out the window, but typically that cost shouldn't rest on your wedding party, guests, and pretty much anyone that isn't you. How do I explain to them the things that won't fly? I'm not freezing my infant because they're stubborn and I'm certainly not going to pay for tux, baby dress, makeup, dinner for me and my hubby, AND play pack mule to set up and take down their entire reception center. I don't care who you are, it's ridiculous and asking too much. Not that they asked if we would set up - they told us we would. I don't want to "ruin" their day; I want it to go well, I want everyone to enjoy themselves, but I can't force them to plan better. That's on them. So my question is how to handle it? Christy is super sensitive and takes literally any criticism as a personal attack so I want to go delicately here. Also, Christy and I work together so achieving peace here is very important. EDIT: Fixed wedding date to 4/25, not 4/20. Tl;dr: My brothers wedding plans lack tact and etiquette and is costing my small family a hefty sum. I could handle that if they didn't also expect us to do 100% of the footwork to set up and take down their wedding. They're stepping on toes left and right. How do I tell them they're asking (and telling) way too much? MINI UPDATE: I sincerely appreciate all if you taking the time to weigh in and offer advice! Just knowing that I'm not the only one thinking this is rude and crazy helps. After talking to my parents and showing them this thread, they decided to talk to Andrew this weekend about a select few things: They should put that they're not serving any food or refreshment on the invite so people know they won't be fed, as this isn't typical for a wedding. Grandma really should be invited. The officiant, since he is and old friend and is doing it for free, needs a gift. As for me, I'm going to set some boundaries with this wedding, mainly with what I will and won't do and how my daughter will be kept warm during the wedding. I will post a real update on the convo with my brother after it happens. Thanks again everyone! Update 1 Nov 14, 2014 (4 days later) So Christy actually texted my mom in a panic on Tuesday night because her mom had added some names she didn't know to the guest list of her side of the family. My mom just told her that she could help her and had her come over to talk. Christy brought over her wedding planning book and sat down with me and my mom. My mom asked her about the wedding plans, confirming that they intended to have no meal, that all the wedding party would pay for their own meal, etc. Christy confirmed. My mom, the Saint of Offering Constructive Criticism In The Nicest Way Possible, said to Christy, "I worry about this plan potentially hurting feelings, on your family's side as well. Do you mind if I explain way I think that?" Christy was pretty receptive. She said she didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt and asked what was offensive. My mom posed this rhetorical situation (I guess she got this idea from my sister): "Okay Christy. Imagine your parents invited you over for Christmas. You drive the 3 hours to their house, you dress in your best Christmas sweater, and you show up with gifts. Everyone is happy to see you and you hug and visit for a while. Your parents and some of your family then tell you that they are going to dinner. You can't come, but you can go to McDonald's or something. They let you know they'll be back in about 2 hours, so just hang out in the yard or...wherever. When they get back, they let you back in the house so you can watch them eat the Christmas cookies they made for themselves, open only their presents, and play some Christmas music. Once that's all done, they say, "Thanks for coming, see you next year!" And boot you out the door. Would your feelings be hurt?" My mom is a funny and lighthearted story teller so at this point, Christy had laughed a couple times, with a kind of sad note in there, and also said ,"ohhh" several times as well. Christy spoke up and said she absolutely understood how that related to their current wedding plans. Seriously, it was like until that moment, she could see literally nothing wrong with their plans. She explained that they pretty much only had the budget of the $2000 her parents were giving her to work with and she was afraid a meal would cost too much. She also expressed frustration that Andrew didn't really help with the planning, he just kept saying, "Whatever you want" when she asked for his opinion. My mom and I explained that Andrew probably just wanted the day just the way she wants it because it's always stressed that it's the bride's day. We gave her some tips for engaging Andrew to really get his input. At this point, she had really broken down and we were able to see her a little more for what she is: a young and naive 21 year old girl (granted, with a bit of a passive aggression issue) in waaaay over her head running on little to no help with an event she has NO idea how to plan. After chit chatting a little bit, we talked about different ways to pull off an affordable wedding. We pitched ideas, and she either said she loved it, she'd think about it, or no. She liked the idea of having a small ceremony with the 50 people they really wanted to be there, after which there would be a luncheon (provided by them this time). After that would be the reception, where the guests her mom added and anyone else that wasn't really close to them could come to celebrate. There would be a light refreshment for that. She is really not concerned about what the luncheon is but would like it to be as low cost as possible (but not tacky either). My mom, my sister, Christy, and I are going to brainstorm in the next few weeks and look at prices to see what we can find within their budget, then we'll all get together and let Christy (and Andrew if he decides to join) decide which ideas she likes best for both the luncheon and the reception refreshment. Oh, and as for Grandma, when Christy handed over the guest list from Andrew, she was on there at the bottom. We hadn't talked about it but he must've realized that Grandma deserved to be at his wedding. On my part, I mentioned to Christy I was worried about my little one in inclement weather and she said they had decided they would plan on doing the ceremony indoors because it was likely the weather would be bad. She still wants to reserve the gazebo just in case it's nice but she seems much more realistic about the weather situation now. I'm also going to buy grocery store makeup for her makeup for the wedding (nice stuff but not too pricey). And I've let her know that my hands will be full with the baby so take down and setup of decor and such will be next to impossible for me. Both my mother and I suggested requesting the help of their bridal party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) to help with the things that needed done the day of. She said she was sure that they would be willing to help but that she'd ask. Many of them are young, single, and childless so hopefully they'll be more able to help out. She also was asking about a bridal shower. One of her sisters had already volunteered to throw the doe party but no one in her family had made mention or offered to throw her a bridal shower, so my mom and I are talking about doing that. When I was (almost) married, I had 2 bridal showers and people were offering to throw one for me left and right. I feel badly that her family is not doing that. All in all, I feel much more comfortable with what I've agreed to do for them, and I'm happy that we were able to help Christy. In the original thread /u/halfascoolashansolo mentioned that all their plans had been met with negativity. I think this caused them, especially Christy, to shut down and just say "screw everybody, this is our day!" Really, they just don't know how to plan a wedding and we all could see that. Rather than seeing that we wanted to help, I think they just heard the negativity of it. Sitting Christy down and explaining that we had some ideas that we thought could help, and that we in no way wanted to force her to do anything she didn't like, well it helped a lot. We let her know that she should say no if she hated an idea or if she felt we were getting too involved. We still think they need to plan their own wedding, but we've also become more approachable for help in this regard too. No, we're not going to plan the wedding, but if they're stumped on something or want input, we've offered to help if we can. We'll see as time goes on whether they stick with it or if they fall back into the "we don't care about anyone else" mode. I still feel that they have a lot of growing up to do, and hopefully they can do it together and build a lasting relationship for the rest of their lives. TLDR Talked to Christy about wedding plans, turns out she's just overwhelmed and has no idea what she's doing. She's now more open for input, trying to get Andrew involved in planning, and is more aware of what I am and am not willing to do for her wedding. Grandma is back on the guest list. Still worried about their immaturity but wishing the best for them. An overall positive outcome...for now. Update 2 Feb 24, 2015 (4 months later) So much has happened in these past 2 weeks! Last Sunday, Christy told Andrew she wanted to come over and talk with him and my mom. Andrew assumed it was about wedding stuff because they were getting only a couple months away from the wedding and they had not really done anything. So they get here and go to talk in private with my mom. I was playing with the baby in the front room and I could hear yelling and arguing coming from the back room they were in. I was worried they were having a brawl back there but just figured they'd work out whatever the hell was going on. Well, they both left and my mom fills me in. Christy didn't want to talk wedding. She brought Andrew over to tell him, in front of my mom with no prior warning, that she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry him anymore. She wrote a list of 4 things to show my mom that Andrew is doing or has done wrong that she thought couldn't be resolved. My mom told her to keep her list to herself and that they needed to go to couples counseling. At this point, Andrew got really upset because he had tried already to go to couples counseling with her 6 months ago and she didn't like it because, "it was awkward and I hate taking responsibility for stuff; I'd rather just blame someone else". (For the record that is not a joke or exaggeration, she literally said that out loud and didn't see a problem with it). Andrew also blew up because I guess when he had proposed to her, she had been hinting at it and pushing for it. He basically asked her why she wanted him to ask her just so she could break it off two months before. Anyway, I obviously knew they were having issues and just kept my space. Even though Christy seemed to be trying to pull my mom into it, my mom agreed it was their business and told them to get into therapy asap if they wanted to stay together. My brother gets counseling free through work so they went to 1 session last week. I don't know how that went, I didn't ask. Oh, I forgot to mention! The Thursday before Christy called off the wedding, she went on an all day hike alone with an "old friend". He had been out of state for the past 2 years (mormon missionary) and she wanted to catch up. They spent the whole day together in the mountains alone and she posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. It actually pissed off almost everyone close to her, even her sister who thinks she does no wrong, because she's been vocal in the past about how opposed she is to Andrew even talking to a member of the opposite sex. She would literally yell at him and harass him about talking to old friends who just happened to be female or mentioning that he saw a friend in the grocery store and said hi. But no, it's okay for her to spend a whole day in the mountains with a dude. I bitched to my sister but said nothing, until that Saturday (valentine's). I asked Andrew what his plans were for the night and he said, "oh, Christy and her friend and I are going to dinner!" Um, friend? He says, "yeah, Zack, he just got back from a mission." So same guy. I asked him if he was okay sharing his valentine's day dinner with another guy and he basically said yeah, they're friends so I want to meet him and he wants to meet me! I was shocked really but Andrew is trusting of her so he's never been possessive like she's been with him. Next morning, Christy isn't sure if she wants to marry Andrew anymore. I work with Christy for those who don't remember and the next day she's telling people that her and Andrew haven't broken up...yet. That it's just the wedding...for now. The day after that, she chopped all of her hair off in this really strange and unflattering hair cut. Again, this is a thing she would get after Andrew for. He's always enjoyed putting bright colors in his hair and he wanted to be daring and do his whole head a muted navy blue. She told him no. But then it's okay for her to go chop her hair to an inch long in the back and maybe 3 inches in the front. The day after that was the therapy session. Andrew seemed optimistic. That weekend (this past one), Christy mentions at work that she is going to visit her mom for the weekend. Her mom has always disliked Andrew and I figured her mom would talk her out of the relationship permanently but my brother was so tortured at this point that I thought that might be for the best. Cue this morning. I asked Christy at work how her weekend went and she says, "Not good. Andrew and I broke up." I just said I was sorry about that and went back to work because I was NOT expecting that response and didn't know what on earth to say to that. I had no idea that they broke up so i was then worried about how my brother was doing. She then goes on to say this massive paragraph: But the rest of the weekend was okay! Me and Zack hung out until way late Saturday night just talking. He had his homecoming in the morning. He's the only person that really knows what's going on with me and Andrew. He was really nice and just listened to me. We were laughing because I found a grey hair in his hair and he was totally freaking out! Then we went to the homecoming in the morning of course. I only went for the main meeting so then I went to his house and waited for him to get home from church, which was awkward cut it was only his aunt and grandma there! But then we had the luncheon afterward and whatever and it was fun. I was tired when I got home so I took a nap. At this point my work friend, Alisha is just staring at me, waiting for my response. She looked at me like I was a grenade with the pin out. I couldn't even gather a thought or sentence to say so Alisha pipes in and says, "I thought you were visiting your family this weekend?" C -"I was! That's who I stayed with." A -"Well, did you even spend time with your family?" C -"Um...well...I did talk with my mom on Saturday and stuff." A -"But mainly it was about Zacks home thingy?" C - "Well yeah." Christy continued to babble about various things, like now she was going to head to California because her friend had offered to fly her out there but she couldn't go before because Andrew couldn't afford the airfare to go too. She was just so damn happy it made me sick. When her sister arrived at work (yeah, I work with TWO of these bitches) they talked about Christy moving in with her sister and when and how and all that jazz. I stepped out to call my mom and she told me immediately that she was helping Andrew move his stuff out of the apartment as we spoke. I told her to do it fast before Andrew changed his mind. My mom packed up all the wedding stuff Christy had not been coming over to work on and dropped it at our work once she'd finished helping Andrew. Like she literally dropped the box and shoved it towards Christy with her foot. I think my mom did NOT appreciate Christys cheery, OMG HI! that she had used when my mom walked in the door. My mom was taking my sick little girl to the doc since I couldn't get time off work so she came for the insurance card and left after. Christy and her sister went in the back room and tittered for a while after the unceremonious drop off from my mom. How she's a horrible person and all that I'm sure. I somehow remained calm through all this. I mean, I'm at work. This is personal shit and I didn't want to talk about it in a professional place. But also, I'm so fucking relieved. Christy is messed up. Her whole family has narcissism issues and I'm so glad my brother doesn't have to tolerate her constant criticism, gas lighting, and verbal abuse anymore. He's now back home and he is doing so well considering how fresh this all is. He told me he realized last week that it probably was over but he wanted to give the therapy a shot. I think he also wised up about Zack. Near the end of my shift, I went to the bathroom. Thinking that urination somehow rendered me deaf while only being feet away, I heard Christy complaining that Andrew had just texted her and said, "so were you really staying with your parents? Or with someone else?" She was denying doing anything physical with this guy but did admit she'd been spending all her time with him lately. She definitely lost her fucking weird peppy attitude after that text. I think because you can't play "poor me!" when you're guilty of carrying on an emotional relationship with another person. Anyway, writing it all out gives me a peaceful feeling. I am so heart broken for Andrew, but he dodged a bullet. He wants to continue pursuing personal therapy through work so he can resolve the problems he felt he had in their relationship, thus avoiding them in a future relationship. I no longer have to tolerate a toxic person in my personal life, though I do have to tolerate her and her borderline demonic sister at work. However, I feel I can handle this by simply reminding them to keep their personal shit home and be professional at work. I'm pretty sure I can handle it if they start being disrespectful towards him or my family at work. Tl;dr THEY ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED AND THEY BROKE UP, THANK THE FUCKING GODS! Edit: Accidentally used a real name. Don't particularly care if she sees this anymore but for the sake of non-confusion, I fixed it. Edit 2: I completely forgot that the guys name in that whole blackmail for kisses was Zack. What makes this even more hilarious is that Zack is the ONLY name I did not change, ha ha! THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Evening-Tone-5r31 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for making my wife do all the chores since she used the chore money for herself Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Original Post: December 15, 2025 I work out of town at a very physically demanding job. Strangely enough I am really lazy. But I make lots of money, so I have no problem paying for people to do all my housework and yardwork. I have a cleaning lady and a kid that mows my lawn and shovels the snow. My wife knew all of this throughout our relationship. I didn't keep it a secret or anything. She actually seemed to appreciate that my place was always clean when she came over and that there was more than just pickles and beer in my fridge. She lived with her parents to save money while she paid off her student loans. We discussed her living with me or even just in my house while I was gone but she wouldn't go for it. Her family is very traditional. Anyways we got married in September and she finally moved in with me. She is amazing and I am stunned by how hard a worker she is. I also offered to pay off the remaining balance on her student loans but she won't agree to that. What she did agree to though was to take over housekeeping and shopping in return for the money I used to pay my housekeeper being added to her budget. It kind of sucked but a couple of the guys I work with took her on so she is okay. The problem is he dad is big on doing all the work around his house. I am not. I pay people to clean my gutters. I pay plumbers, electricians, whatever. I work extremely hard for 14 days in a row and when I'm home I want to relax. I want to walk my dog and not much more. My dog lived with my parents when I worked but now he is home with my wife. Since we got married late in the year my lawn didn't need to be mowed after our honeymoon. We have had a weird year for snow. Like we just got our first big dump. And since I was coming home last night she told the kid not to shovel. And she kept the money. Whatever, we are a partnership. She can make decisions like that. However, despite whatever her dad has to say about it, I don't shovel. I could get hurt, or worse sweaty. So this morning I made sure she knew that if the snow wasn't removed in 48 hours we would get a citation from the city. They would send out a crew to shovel and we would be charged for it at city union labor rates. She said I could shovel. I said I could but I wouldn't since I had budgeted for someone else to do it. She ended up having to do it herself. She tried calling the kid but he was going to school so he couldn't do it until afterwards but he had other clients to take care of. She is mad at me because I could have shoveled. I fully could have. But I didn't want to. I never want to. That's why I pay other people to do that shit. I don't even like that I have to unload the dishwasher now. I used to just throw dishes in there and they would end up in the cupboard. AITAH for assuming that if she took the money for a job then she would take responsibility for that job getting done? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and ESHs, but heavily leaning toward NTAs. Editor's note: OOP has responded to many comments, I am listing top common questions and responses Relevant Comments Commenter 1: NTA but I think you should keep hiring people to do chores and not give your wife the money to do them. I don’t think she respects the fact that you don’t and can’t do some of the work that her dad does. OOP: I could do that work. I just don't want to. Commenter 2: That's literally what the person said. Your wife is the one not understanding. Hire all the people back. OOP: No. I mean I have the skills and ability to do those chores and household tasks. My dad made me do all that shit and I have three trade tickets. I just don't want to work when I'm home. What are OOP's three trade tickets? OOP: Steamfitter, welder. Instrumentation. + What does your kid like to do. If they like fire then go welder. If they like Lego go steamfitter. If they like puzzles go instrumentation. OOP on the agreement when it came to the chores at the house with his wife. Will she get to keep the money if OOP shovels the snow? OOP: Well no. We only ever agreed to her doing the housework. When we get snow here it is heavy wet snow. It sucks. And we have like 3/4 of an acre of yard to mow. I didn't plan on her doing that either. She made the command decision not to let the kid shovel. + Also I gave him $20 because he still showed up to work. And I felt like she screwed him over. Did OOP's wife like the idea of paying someone to do chores at the house? OOP: The thing is she didn't seem to mind at all when we were dating and engaged. She liked that the house was always clean and there was always fresh linen and towels. Downvoted Commenter: YTA. Do it yourself. My dad used to work 8 hour days 5 days a week and did fuck-all when he was home. My mom had to ask him to do stuff to be helpful. They divorced when I was 15 and I haven’t seen him in over a decade. I help my mom with everything I can to break the cycle my dad caused OOP: Just because by your father was poor and dumb doesn't mean I have to live my life the same as him. Does OOP's wife have a job outside the home? OOP: Yes she has a full-time job. However she earns about 1/4 what I do. + She's an elementary school teacher. She has her master's in education. She wants to be a principal one day. OOP on his wife's thoughts on saving money by cutting off the services he paid since he's well financially and should increase his wife's budget OOP: Her budget is her income as a teacher. I pay for everything except half the groceries, her loans, and her car expenses. She pays nothing for rent, utilities, streaming services, etc. + I offered to pay off her car and loans. Then she would have her entire income as her budget. And when we have kids she will just use our credit card or debit card for whatever while she is off work. Commenter : NTA: Not to be nosy but how much money is being discussed here? I mean honestly if I were her and you already had all of that set up, I’d be like awesome. Less/if not no fighting about that which I feel may be common when creating a household after getting married… OOP: I pay double minimum wage per hour. I get paid a little over five times minimum wage per hour. I think I'm being fair. Minimum wage where I live is about $13 USD. Downvoted Commenter: YTA. Sounds almost like financial abuse. She works full time also, and you make much more than she does. Instead of being equitable and maybe just helping her with extra cash, you essentially make your wife work a second job doing household chores you're too lazy to do. OOP: Did you read where I offered to completely pay off her student loans no strings attached? Super abusive and controlling with the money I earn. She pays basically for nothing. She pays for half the groceries despite eating 3/4 of them. She pays for her car and her student loans. Please show me the abuse. She doesn't have to do chores. I was paying someone else to do all of them FOR BOTH OF US. Downvoted Commenter: Did you read the part about you seemingly needing to teach her a lesson? My comment stands. I won't say anything further because I would like to stay civil. OOP: Shouldn't a 26 year old woman know that if she accepts money to do a job she must do that job? Like I'm pretty sure her school would fire her if she stopped teaching. How old is OOP? OOP: 29   Update: December 17, 2025 (two days later) So we got another big dump of snow today. My wife knew I wasn't going to do it and she didn't want to do it. So she called her dad for help. He told her that he would come do it and talk to me after work. Cool. I am warm inside with my dog. I had already talked to the kid and he had already done it, been paid, and skedaddled. I was going to tell her father to stay out of our marriage when it came to finances and stuff. Well he went to his house first. And shoveled his sidewalk first. And slipped on his sidewalk. And twisted his back. So he didn't finish. And he won't be coming over after all. Her mom and older brother got him back inside and finished their walk. He had to come over from his own apartment where HE PAYS A MONTHLY FEE for snow removal and shit like that. Anyways her dad isn't seriously injured. No broken bones or a concussion or anything. They had him checked out. But now my wife is home and it is supposed to snow for the next few days. She wants me to go shovel there since it's too hard for her mom and her brother said he has work stuff and only showed up because it was an emergency. I volunteered to pay for my kid, who is not biologically related to me in any way but some of you think it is my child, to drive over there and shovel. I even said I would drive him over and have that talk with her father. My wife has agreed that it is best that I pay for yardwork and snow shoveling. I'm working on her on the housekeeper. And I'm talking to her about the student loans and the car. I'm thinking of saying that I will pay them off and she can put the money she was paying for them into our RRSP. That's a retirement savings account in Canada. (editor's note: RRSP = Registered Retirement Savings Plan) Her dad is Filipino for those of you who asked. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: so her dad slipped and fell on his driveway and thats somehow your fault because she wanted him to come shovel your already shoveled driveway? bruh, your wife is a fruitloop OOP: No. Not my fault. An eye opener for her to how fast my money could go away. Commenter 2: Could you kindly define "Make"? OOP: Work needs to be done. I paid for work to be done. She took the money to pay for the work that needed to be done. She said I should do the work instead. I said no. Since we will be fined and more by bylaw enforcement she chose to do the work rather than leave it after I was clear that I would not be doing it. Honestly I would have been fine with the fine and chargeback for the city sending a crew to shovel. It drove her nuts to think about paying several hundred dollars for a job that I would have paid between $80-100. OOP on his location and his in-laws' location OOP: We're all in Edmonton OOP on why he married his wife OOP: She's smart, funny, caring, beautiful, loves to travel, loves books, tv, and movies. She is an amazing cook. She loves kids and wants to be a mom. She does cosplay and enjoys board games. Our first anniversary dating she bought me Lego. She is taking me out to see Avatar tomorrow even though it isn't her thing. And about a million other reasons. And oh yeah I love her. OOP on his "kid" who does the snow shoveling for him OOP: So funny story. The young man that mows my lawn and shovels my walk is 21 and in university. He found this post and texted me to bug me about making it sound like he was some tween doing yardwork for spare change. He has a business that he is using to fund his studies. With insurance and everything. Does OOP have a prenup? OOP: We have one.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/informmack Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes I told my husband I don’t trust him and now I don’t know what to do now Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, weaponized incompetence Mood Spoilers: frustrating Original Post: December 7, 2025 Long time listener and first time reddit OP. I’m sorry this will be on the longer side. So my husband (27M) and I (26F) have been together for 6 years, married for about 8 months. Important context for our relationship: We met when I was in undergrad and my husband was working full time. Before, my husband was the primary earner of our house (paying our rent and utilities and groceries) while I focused on keeping the house (cooking dinners, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc.). Fast forward to now, we both have full time jobs and our salaries are about the same so we are splitting all bills evenly. Well, recently we had a talk about how I felt as though the mental and physical responsibilities of the house still fall primarily on me even though we agreed that the dynamic would change when I started contributing more financially. I still plan and cook most nights (4-5 days a week if we don’t meal prep), I “shut down” the house at night (clean the kitchen, put dishes in the sink/dishwasher, pick up our mess and the cat toys, etc.), I do the laundry and bathroom cleaning, and basically everything else. I have been very open throughout our relationship about how I don’t want our relationship/marriage to be one where the wife carries the mental load for the entire family while the man only acts as the breadwinner and doesn’t help at all until she inevitably has a mental breakdown or is pushed to divorce. I witnessed how damaging this can be with my own mom and dad and I refuse to repeat that. We hardly ever fight, but almost all of our arguments have been on this topic. I’ve broken down in tears from exhaustion or from feelings of being overwhelmed trying to balance school, multiple jobs, and everything at home, and yet…nothing really changes. My husband has been seemingly very open and receptive of these conversations and is always says he will do better to take more off of my plate, but this only lasts a few days or weeks before we fall into old habits and I am doing it all myself. So, the most recent argument. On our usual after work phone call, I asked my husband to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients for dinner that I had forgotten when I went grocery shopping. All we needed was ground beef, a can of tomatoes, and milk. When he got to the store, he asked me to remind him what we needed and after he said “okay, so pasta for dinner? That’s easy. I can cook it since you cooked yesterday” and I said “Thank you. I have a migraine and really don’t want to cook anyways so that is perfect.” So he gets home about 30 minutes later and starts unloading the groceries. I ask “Where are the tomatoes?” he said “I forgot them” I said “Okay…should I go back to the store because we can’t make a sauce without a base and we have nothing else prepped for dinner.” he said “No, I forgot them so I’ll go back.” So he goes back to the store. At this point, it is almost 7:00 and I am super hungry. I decided to start the pasta on my own because at this point, he wouldn’t be back for another 30 minutes which means dinner wouldn’t be done for at least another hour. He comes home and says “I thought I was cooking?” and I explained the timing issue and how I needed to eat to take my migraine medicine anyways so this way we can eat earlier. His response: “This is the f***** problem. You always ask me to step in and help take the burden off of you but then you do it before I can. Or if I do help, you stand there and micromanage everything that I’m doing. It’s like you don’t trust me to do anything.” I know this isn’t AITAH but this is where I might be the a******. My response: “I don’t trust you. I mean I trust you in the big ways, like I trust you to be honest and loyal and take care of me and our cats and I would literally put my life in your hands. But on the day to day small stuff, I feel like I can’t trust you at all. You keep saying you are going to help out around here but you constantly forget things I ask from you or claim you never heard me say it in the first place, especially if it was simple something around the house. I mean jesus, you can’t even remember a can of tomatoes 5 minutes after I asked you to grab them.” He was quiet for a minute, said “Then why did you marry me?” in the most heartbreaking voice ever and left the room crying. I finished cooking, packed it away in the fridge with a note that said “I’m sorry”, made a bowl cereal, and ate it on the couch (where I slept that night). I know my delivery was harsh and I probably took it too far, but how else can I get it across that I need him to do better? I’m not asking him to take over the entire mental or physical load, I would just appreciate coming home to dinner cooking or the apartment clean every once in a while like he gets to come home to almost every single day. I love this man more than anything in the world but don’t know how much longer I can play this “I promise I can do better” game. I am so tired. Relevant Comments OOP provides answers in a comment based on common questions asked here OOP: I don’t know what I was expecting the comments to look like but I would like to address some of the common ones I am seeing: 1) I texted him a list when I initially asked him to go to the store. The phone call was just a reminder since we were already talking when he got to the grocery store. 2) We both have ADHD. We both forget things all the time and usually there are no issues but in this case I think there is a difference between forgetting the only 3 items for a whole trip vs. 3 things from an entire list of ingredients for two weeks’ worth of breakfasts, lunches and dinners along with the rest of the grocery list. I do my best to remember everything for every meal but occasionally I forget things. When this happens, I usually would go to the store myself since I was the one who forgot the ingredients in the first place but I had a migraine and just wanted to go home after work. On that same note, all of the comments telling me to sit down and make a chore chart act like I haven’t already tried that. We had set days for meals he would cook and had a list of chores he was responsible for, but after a week or two, he would stop. Like he wouldn’t do the dishes or take out the trash until they were overflowing, or he would be on a game that he couldn’t pause so I should just make dinner without him and we would be right back to square 1. 3) I don’t micromanage or undermine him. When I ask him to do things, I usually ask him to do it before we go to bed (which means he has 4-6 hours at night or the entire day on the weekends) or I ask him if he’s at a good point to pause his game and do it quickly and if not, whenever he has a break. If he doesn’t do it that day or the next day I don’t think I am out of line for doing it myself because at that point, who knows when it is going to get done. Letting my house get gross to prove a point just means more work for me to do later. 4) A lot of people told me to just stop complaining and hire a maid. We don’t make money like that. I get maids aren’t crazy expensive, but I have extensive medical bills and we both have student loan/credit card debt so we don’t have a lot of extra in our budget. Also, we shouldn’t have to hire someone to do basic chores that we are both fully capable of doing ourselves. It would take us an hour on the weekends (deep cleaning) and maybe 20 minutes a night for daily cleaning if we both did our share. 5) I made a mistake. I suffer from chronic migraines so I know the warning signs and I usually have a snack with me or a quick meal that I can make to take my medication with. I thought dinner would be within my window before it was too late and I was wrong. I didn’t eat the dinner after because I was too nauseous. A lot has happened over the weekend so I will post an better update tomorrow. Commenter 1: I think snapping was going to happen eventually. You can only hear the same thing over and over again before you stop believing it. I do, however, really believe you would both benefit from couples therapy. They can help breakdown the communication in a way you can both understand. While what you said was harsh, it doesn’t make it wrong. I hope you’re both able to work through this! OOP: I agree that we could use couples therapy. I feel like I’m not being heard and I’m doing it all and he feels like I am micromanaging and attacking him. I have tried talking about it calmly, even asking for his input on how to improve things so he doesn’t feel like it’s all about what he’s not doing, but at the end of the day, I’m still doing the work of trying to figure out a plan for both of us. I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it so it doesn’t hurt his feelings but that just adds more to my mental load. I feel like a therapist could at least help us figure out what the real underlying issue is in all this because it can’t always be that “he forgot” OOP on having conversations with her husband about splitting chores 50/50 and with him manipulating her to do everything and he does nothing at home OOP: Thank you. A lot of people are saying that I’m in the wrong for being emotional, but like you said, we have had this conversation multiple times. We have talked about it in steps: one conversation was about taking over cooking a few nights a week, another conversation was about splitting weekly chores, another about daily chores, and so on. The problem is that we keep having the same conversations over and over and I get emotional about it every few months because I find myself doing it all even after I talk to him about what I need and how he can better contribute. I understand that some people think that my crying is manipulative as well, but hey, sometimes I cry when I get overwhelmed and I feel like I’m not being heard. Commenter 2: Oh, honey, he manipulated you really well, didn't he? He played the self-pity card and you fell for it. He is not trustworthy. He is not reliable. You are carrying the mental load. He is not trying to do better, he is half-assing everything, so you won't bother to ask him again. OOP: I didn’t want to believe it was manipulation, but after reading these comments, I’m starting to see a pattern. Every time we have one of these conversations or arguments, I am always comforting him because he feels like he is being attacked for not doing enough when he “tries his best”. I’ve always had trouble regulating my emotions so I always assumed I genuinely took things too far or was too harsh so I was likely I’m the wrong but this thread has shown me that I am just easily manipulated.   Update: December 9, 2025 (two days later) UPDATE: I told my husband I don’t trust him and now I don’t know what to do now Thank you to everyone for helping me feel validated in my exhaustion while also calling me out and helping me see my husband’s perspective. Here is the current situation: I flew home for the weekend for a girls trip with my mom and my aunt while my husband stayed home and watched the UFC fight with a few of his friends. Sunday morning, I texted husband to confirm my flight times so he could come pick me up and he said “I’ll be there. We need to talk.” So I land, get my bags, and get to the car and he has flowers for me. He said “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forgotten the tomatoes.” and I said “Thank you but it wasn’t really about the tomatoes.” and before I could say anything else he goes “I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He then goes on to tell me that during the fight, his friends asked where I was and he said “She’s with her family” and they said “ooh are you in trouble?” and he said “Yes” so then he told them all about our fight. Apparently, his friends Chase (35M) and Alex (29 M) (both married) told him that he missed the point and that he was in the wrong. His friend Andrew (28M) was also there but he is not married or dating at the moment so I’m assuming that he opted to stay out of it. He didn’t tell me any other details about their conversation but his conclusion was that he was wrong and needed to apologize for “Whatever the real issue was.” I sat there for a moment looking absolutely shocked. I said “Do you even know what you’re barely apologizing for?” and he said “Yeah, I forget things sometimes and you have do it for me. This time I forgot the tomatoes and you felt like you had to make dinner so you got mad and snapped at me.” I took a few moments to collect myself and fix my WTF face before said “No, the issue is that you don’t listen to me. I was mad about the tomatoes because it was the final straw. You don’t just forget things at the store. You forget to do the things that you’ve agreed to do. How many times do I have to ask you to help me cook or help around the house? How many chore charts and chore lists and to do lists do we have to make for you to actually help with anything?” he got defensive and said “If you reminded me of the things you need me to do, I would do them” to which I said “Thats the problem. Asking you to do things and then having to constantly remind you that you should do them is nagging and exhausting. I need you to remember. Write it down. Set an alarm. Find someway to make it work for you. I can’t keep asking you to step up. I need you to actually step up.” he didn’t say anything for a few minutes so I said “I think we have to go to couples counseling. I don’t think this is something we can solve on our own.” he said “fine” and then drove the rest of the way home in silence. When we got home, he went into his game room and started blasting music. I knocked on the door and asked him if we could finish our conversation and his response was “You already figured it out for us so what else is there to talk about?” I said “This is childish and I’m leaving. You don’t want to figure things out just the two of is and you don’t want to have professional help in communicating. I don’t know what else to do but I can’t do it myself and things can’t stay like this. I’m going to my parent’s house, let me know when you’re ready to talk.” and I left. That was two days ago and I am still at my parent’s house. The only texts and calls I’ve gotten from him are “Where is x?” or “When are you coming back?” I have not responded to the “Where is x?” texts but I told him I will come back when he is ready to talk seriously. No crying, no arguing, just a serious conversation about what the real issue is and how we are going to change things. No responses to that yet. The more I think about this whole situation, the more I realize that I’ve been played this entire relationship. I am always the bad guy, everything is my fault, I am not allowed to be emotional because that hurts his feelings. This along with the weaponized incompetence is too much. I want to have a real conversation with him but history shows it won’t go anywhere. If he doesn’t agree to couples therapy or some other major way to show me that he wants this too, I’m leaving. I’m not going to fight for this on my own. Thank you all for your advice. p.s. I saw a comment about the timing of the posts and figured I should clarify here too. The big fight happened last Thursday, I tried to post the original post on Friday before I left for my trip but it got taken down bc of the formatting (as you can tell, I tend to write a lot so I had block text issues) and so when I reposted it, I didn’t bother changing everything to past tense. I came back from my trip Sunday and posted this update on Tuesday. Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: In the original post, you didn’t mention the previous attempts of lists and chore charts. This information changes everything. If he can hold a job, he can figure out a way to remember and complete tasks you agree on. This is manipulation. You are correct in demanding he do better and attend couples counseling. But I think it is wrong to run off to your parents’ house when you acknowledge that you both need to communicate. Go home. Ask him, if his boss asked him to make dinner, get items at the store, and clean the kitchen, what would he do to make sure he remembered to complete them to ensure he kept his job? Don’t talk, or jump in with suggestions, wait for his answer… no matter how long it takes. Then ask him why he didn’t care enough to come up with this plan to ensure he kept his marriage? OOP: I didn’t realize until after I posted the original that I just mentioned our previous conversations and not our solutions. As I was writing out the update and responding to comments, I realized just how much effort I have put into this and it’s truly embarrassing: white boards, calendars (apps and paper ones), to-do lists, charts, and automatic reminders/alarms on our Alexa. It’s funny that you mentioned the “If your boss asked” scenario because he just won an award at work for outstanding service and leadership. After all of this nonsense, I should scratch his name out and put mine on it for all of my service and leadership. OOP clarifies the timeline posted here with her situation OOP: The fight happened last Thursday, I left for my trip on Friday, and came back on Sunday (when the update was). I tried to post the original before I left for my trip but it got taken down for block text so when I reposted it, I didn’t bother changing everything to the past tense. Commenter 2: Every day you spend waiting around for him to do anything is a waste of your time and life. Start divorce proceedings and serve him with divorce papers. That'll take at least a week or two. If he actually wants to talk to you within that time, you can consider cancelling it but I would advise you to stop waiting around for him to take action when you know he'll never do it. Commenter 3: Your exhaustion and sadness just radiates from your posts. You’re right to finally see that if he doesn’t make a move to show he’s ready for major changed, there’s not much you can do about it. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/scene_queen2009 Am I the asshole for spending my life savings ($7200) on an ass job plastic surgery when my daughter "needed" brand new school supplies? TRIGGER WARNING: Cosmetic surgery, bad financial decisions, questionable parenting. Original Post March 28, 2024 33yo here for reference. Last year my long time boyfriend dumped me - we have a seven year old child together - and I began making the circuit on the bar scene. I Had some casual hookups but no one who seemed like marriage material seemed to be too interested and I was also striking out on all the dating apps. After months of this I began to grow disheartened and lose confidence which is when I started to research augmenting my buttocks. I'm not a supermodel or anything but I like to think I'm decently attractive, however my backside has always been the part of my body I am most self conscious about. I had a consultation with a doctor we went over the operation and I decided to have a bbl as well as 1100cc implants placed overinflated to 1150 which is a standard industry practice for those who don't know. The final cost everything Included was to be about $7200, which was all of the funds in my savings, plus dipping into my checking for a few hundred, which isn't a huge deal for me. I had to make some spending adjustments, cancel a few subscriptions, and overall be a lot more financially cautious, but my daughter wouldn't go hungry or without heat. The surgery went off without a hitch, and I received the augmentation. Fast forward about six weeks, and I am still healing but mostly healed. Last week my daughter came home from school with a note from her teacher, saying that her class is collecting school supplies such as markers, gluesticks, tissues, etc. There was a laundry list of supplies of about 20 items. I did the math and the supplies would come out to around $65. The note Said each student was REQUIRED to bring these supplies in which really didn't sit right with me, especially because I bought most of these supplies for my daughter at the start of the year. I understand the concept of community supplies or donating supplies for kids in financially difficult situations , but the requirement just really ticked me the wrong way. I told my daughter that we couldn't afford that this month and I would talk to her teacher about it. I made sure to make it clear that my daughter wouldn't get in trouble for this and that I would handle it with her teacher. And yes spending this extra $65 would place significant financial burden on us for this month's food budget. Fast forward to yesterday and grandma (my mom) come over and is watching with my daughter while I get some chores done. I have fallen a bit behind on chores from resting up from the operation. My mom said she was taking my daughter to the store and I said that was fine. They came back an hour later with two bags full of school supplies and my daughter wearing a band new backpack. I was understandably a bit angry and confused and privately talked to my mom in the other room. For background I always give my mom my debit card when she goes to the store to buy groceries for my house because she is on a tight budget and can only maintain herself. I figured she was going to the store to buy food for my daughter for the rest of the week , which she does often which is why I didn't think anything of it. Turns out my mom saw the note from school and took my daughter out to get the items using my card. I explained to my mom that I told my daughter that we couldn't afford to contribute to the supplies. My mom said that my daughter told her about what I said, but she decided to take her out anyway. She said it was "ridiculous " that I spent so much money on my augmentation and that it wasn't fair to send my daughter to school as the only one without contributing supplies. She also said my daughter's been using the same back pack for over 3 years and it's stained and torn and I should be "ashamed" for not buying her a new one. I was honestly pretty pissed at her accusations and told her that how I spend my savings is none of her damn business. I told her that my daughter had her own perfectly good school supplies, and that a seven year old doesn't need a brand new backpack every year or two, especially because I know she is just going to get it dirty with goldfish dust and dirt at school. Her backpack was fine and just had some normal wear and tear. My mom told me I need to get my priorities straight and that I'm not setting a good example as a mother. I told her that the money is already spent and we are already committed to a tighter budget for the next months, but that my daughter wouldn't want for anything and that our budget is absolutely none of her damn business. I've been thinking about this all day and am getting more flustered and angry the more I think. So am I the ahole or is my mom overreacting and getting involved in something that's not her business? OOP is universally called an asshole. Most of her comments are defensive. OOP repeatedly tells people to kiss her ass. Update April 24, 2024 (27 days later) So it's been a month since I last posted. Thank you all for your replies to my last post. Despite the many toxic commenters and miserable people spewing vile hate, there were some constructive comments, and I want to thank those commenters for that. The feedback as well as some talks with my mother have given me a lot to think about, and I have come to the conclusion that the operation was a selfish mistake, and I regret it. I'm up late at night imagining how my daughter will view this incident once she gets a little older, and the things she will think. My implants will serve as a constant reminder to my daughter of the mistakes I made. They will also be a reminder to myself of my guilt and my mistakes. That is why I have decided to remove my implants. I had spoken to a doctor about the costs and risks associated with a removal procedure once I was sure it was the right decision. It was explained to me that for the removal to be as safe and successful as it can possibly be, the sutures have to completely heal before he can go back in and remove the implants. This will minimize scaring as well as risks of infection or similar complications following the procedure. The cost of the operation will be in the ballpark of $4500 including anesthesia and all. I paid a deposit for the operation on a credit card knowing full well that I would have no problem making the payments and paying it off. My implants have fully healed and all but fully dropped and I am scheduled to receive the operation in two weeks. In this time of reflection I also have been dating a wonderful man who loves me, implants or not, and we are approaching our 1 month anniversary. I have had some discussions with my daughter following my last post and explained to her how much I love her and that nothing is more important to me than her. My relationship with my mom is still a little rocky but I think she is just happy I am getting the implants removed. She is set to drive me to my operation and has not made any more hateful comments since I told her of my decision to remove them. I am hoping to repair this relationship as time goes on. My daughter is young enough that she won't remember this episode and it will hopefully be nothing more than a bad memory for me a few months down the line. Thank you to those who took the time to read and be constructive; not hateful. Have a nice week. OOP is criticised for missing the point. OOP tells people to kiss her ass once again. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/withloveaudrina to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

The People’s Handbook to Beat Trump Table of Contents # Tactic 1 STARVE RAGE-BAIT 2 DEFUND CORRUPTION 3 FUND PROTECTORS 4 FLOOD INBOXES 5 BURST BUBBLES 6 PROTECT VOTES 7 CLAIM OFFICES 8 BUILD SOLUTIONS i Link URLs Preamble To everyone who's burnt out... we're winning (Mamdani is proof of that). But the Epstein Class won't accept defeat. History shows they'll drag us into mass conflict, before trying to just slither away to fight another day. How you can help defeat them before then, is by fully exercising your rights. Not just voting on election day, but by treating every action as your vote, every day. That sounds exhausting. I know. But it doesn't have to be! Especially when, as a wise starfish once said, "WE HAVE TECH-NOLOGY!" -- For 6 months, with every free minute I had as a husband and father with a day job, I found the tools we need, tested if they actually work, and carefully outlined easy steps you can take. So now everyone can resist: depressed workers, busy parents, and aspiring leaders alike. Whether you’re looking for organized resistance or just want a cure for your burn out, welcome aboard! Go at your own PACE (see below). Walk as far as you can on this journey. You might surprise yourself. The more you do, the bigger your difference. Now, let’s show them The Power of The People. The P.A.C.E. Mindset: Participate now (don't wait for perfection.) Adjust as you go (it’s not all-or-nothing.) Collaborate with friends (avoid being closed-off.) Exist as you are (it's not "experts-only".) 1. STARVE RAGE-BAIT Problem: Social media is filled with content funded by billionaires to keep us manipulated or eager to disconnect (ex. Tenet Media; Cambridge Analytica; X's Algorithm). Solution: Make a habit of simply controlling your scrolling; starve them of attention, aggressively promote what you like, and add your own voice to the mix more. Suggested Steps: 1. Take everything with a grain of salt. (A post can always be wrong or fake, even if you like it.) 2. Starve posts you disagree with. (Don't engage. Just scroll past, report, or see step 5.) 3. Full-Tap all posts you agree with. (Tap all the icons you can.) 4. Comment-Boost impressive posts. (Comment with specific words from the topic.) 5. Post more content, even if unpolished. (To voice disagreements & in general.) 6. Tag your local reps in your political posts. (See 'Who Represents Me?' on ballotpedia.) 7. Bypass the algorithm & send this to 5 more people. (ex. DM, text, email.) 2. DEFUND CORRUPTION Problem: Billionaires get their money from us, and then use it to try to manipulate us. But no one has the time to research every business's spending, though. Solution: Make it easy to stop giving them your money by using apps that research for you and let you quickly see how corrupt a business is while you shop. Suggested Steps: 1. Download Goods Unite Us app. (Free. Tracks the political spending of businesses.) 2. Put it on your home screen. (Or similar, for easy frequent use.) 3. Check # scores before every purchase. (Takes 5 seconds. Search by brand name.) 4. Avoid negative scores as much as you can. (Ignore the party icon.) 5. Choose highest-score alternatives. (Scroll down to 'Other Brands' section.) 6. Add one category a month. (Restaurants first, then hygiene, then groceries, etc.) 7. Promote high score brands online. (Tag them. Use #GoodsUniteUs.) 3. FUND PROTECTORS Problem: We can't trust politicians to keep our elections fair, but the many non-profits trying to are spread thin and underfunded, and we don't want our donations to be a waste. Solution: Give only to non-profits with the biggest impact. Make affordable monthly donations, so they can hire more people to effectively combat election manipulation. Suggested Steps: 1. Set your monthly election defense donation budget. (Even $4 makes a difference.) 2. Split it into four parts. (One for each of the following critical organizations.) 3. Donate to Election Protection Coalition monthly. (Combines 300+ election defense orgs.) 4. Donate to VoteRiders monthly. (Helps pay voter fees that block 20 Million people from voting.) 5. Donate to Feeding America monthly. (Helps families stay fed .) 6. Donate to ResistBot monthly. (Makes contacting politicians easier - see Tactic 4.) 7. Promote each org online. (Tag them. Use #ProtectTheVote.) 4. FLOOD INBOXES Problem: Contacting politicians feels like a pointless chore. ~80% of Americans don't know their legislators' names, while they let our rights erode, hoping corporations can keep them in power. Solution: Contacting politicians should be as easy as texting. Easily copying messages can flood their inboxes nationwide with the same demands, so they can't ignore the people's voice. Suggested Steps: 1. Text 'DEFENDMYVOTE' to 50409. (ResistBot. Free politician texting service.) 2. Reply 'READ' to open the letter. (Keep it open on a separate tab.) 3. Reply 'YES' and provide your info. (Info not sold or shared. Needed for political letters.) 4. Reply 'IMAGE DEFENDMYVOTE' and share online. (Use #ResistBot.) 5. Reply 'CALL' and call your Governor. (Use the open letter tab as your script.) 6. Resistbot your politicians once a month. (Set a phone reminder.) 7. Reply 'KEYWORDS' to see other commands. (To craft, view, promote letters, etc.) 5. BURST BUBBLES Problem: Marches don't have the impact they used to (despite breaking records). Many are sheltered by news and algorithms that ignore protests or twist them. Tensions are boiling, risking safety. Solution: Bypass the news and algorithms to reach neighbors with brief, but frequent patio noise-protests. "Noise at Nine": Get loud from your home at 9pm, for 90 seconds, every Saturday. Suggested Steps: 1. Set a reminder for every Sat @ 9pm. (Often enough to stand out, while still practical.) 2. Consider checking your local noise ordinances. (Some cities have oppressive noise laws.) 3. Ready some simple invite flyers. (include a request for RSVPs with your email or phone#.) 4. Erect those flyers around your neighborhood. (To invite and inform your neighbors.) 5. Announce your participation online. (Use #NoiseAtNine.) 6. Make noise for 90 seconds at 9pm. (Pots & pans, whistles, music, shouting – anything loud.) 7. Remember your rights. (BOTH: right to remain silent and right to refuse to be silent.) 6. PROTECT VOTES Problem: Most people don't volunteer. Meanwhile extremists eagerly fill election integrity positions, leaving democracy vulnerable to those who want to dismantle it. (ex. Tina Peters; Kim Zapata) Solution: Voting counts once, but volunteering can protect thousands of votes, with only a few days of work per election. The more ordinary people fill these critical positions, the more fair our elections. Suggested Steps: 1. Recruit a volunteer buddy. (Text around to find 1 friend to commit. Then pin their contact.) 2. Sign up for Election Working. (Or if full, instead do Poll Watching.) 3. Make campaigning easier with GoodParty. (And use their map to find local candidates to help.) 4. Be a Social Media Monitor for ProtectTheVote. (Stop posts from scaring voters to stay home.) 5. Counter voter suppression with VoteRiders. (Help get voter IDs for people that can't afford it.) 6. Schedule volunteer times with your buddy. (Remind each other to P.A.C.E. yourselves.) 7. Post about your sign-ups online. (Use #VolunteerForSomething.) 7. CLAIM OFFICES Problem: Running for office feels out of reach. ~70% of races go uncontested; mostly local offices that directly impact you. The greedy win these by default, steadily increasing corruption nationwide. Solution: With modern free tools and guidance, more ordinary people can contest and win these offices, increasing accountability and reversing corruption, if willing to work a couple hours a week for a potential job change. Suggested Steps: 1. Fill out RunForSomething's sign-up form. (Get on their list for campaign mentorship.) 2. Recruit at least 2 loved ones as initial campaign team. (To help complete these steps.) 3. Follow the RFS 'First Steps Guide'. (Instructions on official filing and banking requirements.) 4. Sign up to use GoodParty. (Free campaign tools and community. Extra tools for $10/mo.) 5. Set up 'Minimum Cost Campaign Toolkit'. (Tools for website, email, socials, donations, etc.) 6. Set a reminder to complete GoodParty weekly tasks. (Stay on track with consistent progress.) 7. Keep up with voter outreach until election. (Send emails, schedule events, door-knocking, etc.) 8. BUILD SOLUTIONS Problem: People often sit back and complain about issues, from frustrating apps to global fears, without considering solutions. And while we wait for saviors, AI will continue to be misused. Solution: Shift from complaining to problem-solving. At minimum, give feedback when frustrated with apps and orgs. Ideally, use AI yourself to help build the solutions to any problem, including AI misuse. Suggested Steps: 1. Sign up for Genspark.ai. (Free 10,000 credits to start.) 2. Search for Solutionate in 'Custom Super Agents'. (Researches innovation gaps and makes business plans.) 3. Select the 'PLAN' option and describe the problem you want to solve. (Creates a 'Business Model Canvas' PDF.) 4. Review the completed Business Model Canvas. (Refine as desired and then download it.) 5. Request a Free SCORE Business Mentor. (Fill the form & choose the "Business Plan" area of mentorship.) 6. Once accepted, present your Business Model Canvas to the SCORE Mentor. (Request validation and refinement.) 7. Work with SCORE mentors to prepare for launch. (Discuss execution strategy, funding, marketing, etc.) i. Link URLs Tenet Media - (https://www.npr.org/2024/09/05/nx-s1-5100829/russia-election-influencers-youtube) Cambridge Analytica - (https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/mar/17/cambridge-analytica-facebook-influence-us-election) X's Algorithm - (https://news.sky.com/story/the-x-effect-how-elon-musk-is-boosting-the-british-right-13464487) 'Who Represents Me?' - (https://ballotpedia.org/Who_represents_me) Goods Unite Us - (https://www.goodsuniteus.com/app) Election Protection Coalition Donating - (https://www.lawyerscommittee.org/donate) VoteRiders Donating - (https://www.voteriders.org/donate) Feeding America Donating - (https://give.feedingamerica.org/a/donate-monthly) ResistBot Donating - (https://secure.actblue.com/donate/resistbot) local noise ordinances - (https://nonoise.org/lawlib/cities/cities.htm) Tina Peters - (https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/republican-election-denier-tina-peters-sentenced-to-9-years-in-prison-for-voting-data-scheme) Kim Zapata - (https://spectrumnews1.com/wi/milwaukee/news/2024/03/20/kimberly-zapata--trial--prosecutor--fake-ballots--milwaukee) Election Working - (https://www.eac.gov/help-america-vote) Poll Watching - (https://protectthevote.net) GoodParty Volunteering - (https://goodparty.org/volunteer) find local candidates - (https://goodparty.org/candidates) Social Media Monitor - (https://protectthevote.net/social-media-monitor-training) VoteRiders Volunteering - (https://www.voteriders.org/volunteer) RunForSomething Sign-up - (https://www.mobilize.us/runforsomething/event/784026/) 'First Steps Guide' - (https://runforsomething.net/run/thinking-about-running) GoodParty Demo - (https://goodparty.org/product-tour) 'Minimum Cost Campaign Toolkit' - (https://www.genspark.ai/spark?id=311dbc04-a653-45d6-89aa-b2105e9fecd8) Solutionate Agent - (https://www.genspark.ai/agents?type=custom_super_agent&agent_id=19cedf6b-8e75-4b91-a2a7-7af6e108a025) SCORE Mentors - (https://www.score.org/find-mentor/request-mentor) submitted by /u/Veruminate to r/50501 [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/confusedFriendIsItMe & u/YupItWasMeMate Originally posted to r/AITAH AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone Trigger Warnings: mentions death of a loved one, favoritism, mild neglect Mood Spoilers: ultimately positive for OOP Original Post: February 11, 2025 (Throwaway because way too many of my friends are on Reddit!) My (44F) Dad (73M) has never remembered my birthday. It was slightly covered up when I was a child, because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him and he totally failed. So, for example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister (46F) had a party with friends, a new dress and lovely gifts when she turned 18. Every year it’s the same. My two siblings (I also have a much younger brother (33M)) aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call. Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th I threw a big event where his extended family flew in. I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine; I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me. And then he forgets it again. Every year. This year at Christmas he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born. He couldn’t even come up with the year. He mocked me for being sensitive - and inside I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory - it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me. I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card. Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled round. I didn’t remind my siblings about it so they both forgot. He rang me the day before; I knew why but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call. On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone. I guarantee that’s a first. I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad. I’m sorry his feeling got hurt, because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. (Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good.) (Just FYI: I don’t neglect him. I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man, and can be very generous when it occurs to him.) AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs Commenter 1: YTA. Bet you regret this when he's gone. OOP: A few people have said this. I’ve thought it through, and it’s not like I am missing the chance to see him one last time before he blows away like fricking thistledown. I see him twice a week and do his shopping and cook for him at least once each week. I took him on holiday for 10 days last year, and 14 the year before, and we have a break in Devon planned in April. I’m a good daughter. I phone him most days. I am just sick of being treated as the lowest ranked child; I’m after mutual respect here and I’m worth it. I wouldn’t snub ANYONE let alone a daughter like this, and yet he thinks it’s OK? I’ve read what about two hundred people have said and I accept what they are telling me: this is deliberate. Why? I don’t know but it is. He has a brain like a computer. He remembers everything. EVERYTHING. So he is choosing to do this and it sucks and I am giving it back to him now. Commenter 2: Sounds like he is possibly on the spectrum, no concept of time, he loves you, just doesn’t have the reminder on his calendar. Happens to me sometimes. Not intended in a bad way at all. OOP: Hmm… He’s been assessed. He has mild OCD. Makes him amazing at scheduling things and remembering dates and details. It’s why I won’t cut him any slack any more. Commenter 2: I was thinking the same thing. Your siblings also don't remember unless you remind them. ADHD is hereditary for example and could explain why they and he constantly forget stuff - "out of sight, out of mind". OCD is a comorbidity to ADHD. He could be masking really well all his life, finding coping mechanisms. Also just because he was good at hid job and meetings doesn't mean he is good ar other things. You're doing his groceries, why? He can't keep track of the food at home and only realize when it's all out? No planning? You would think food which you need to survive would be a priority. So yeah, I find subtle signs of ADHD. PS Doesn't excuse his response that it's not important. OOP: He really really doesn’t have ADHD. He is superb at task management, scheduling, planning. I mean, really good. He has a great memory and never forgets details or dates. And he had therapy and analysis for his OCD (which my Mum also had) so they would have been looking for this kind of thing. I do his groceries because he is too lazy to do it himself on the iPad I BOUGHT HIM - he always has a perfect list waiting for me on Sunday mornings. He knows the contents of his cupboard down to the last slice of bread. He is excellent at planning. Commenter 3: There is a reason he deliberately chooses not to remember or acknowledge your birthday, something deeper going on there. He remembers your sister’s bday perfectly fine, the Christmas you bent over backwards only to find you get less than as usual. He needs you so he’s isn’t outright cruel but there is some conversations you should he having. OOP: I read this and it made me think - not good things, but you brought some objectivity to the table so thank you. I mean, realistically I know he prefers my brother and sister to me; I am just not sure why, because damnit I am a very very good daughter to him. Commenter 4: NTA, you reap what you sow... although, this could be just because I’ve read too many posts on here, but is it possible you aren’t his and that’s why there’s the disinterest? OOP: Ha ha. I’m definitely his. We have loads of identical physical things, and I look like a fricking twin to his two sisters in pics where we are the same age. I am queer, and didn’t give him any grandchildren, but he didn’t know that until I was in my late 30s, so that’s no excuse. I know I wasn’t planned, but I was always assured I was very welcome. Commenter 5: He's a nice man that expects a woman to take care of him and when his wife died, you need to order him groceries and stuff. So you became his surrogate wife while ignoring something to make you feel special. And he mocked you being hurt how you felt but then got hurt when he got what he gave. A "nice" man can still be a neglectful and rude like being upset that no one got him gifts after years of complaining. It sounds more like he conditioned you to expect bare minimum and be ok with it. But you are still supposed to get his groceries... he is a grownass man. And he doesn’t get it. And you are worried that it looks like you are neglecting him. It sounds like you were raised hoping for the love and attention and so as a adult you are still craving that from him. You should have done that years ago. You showed him how you would like to be treated for years but he could not reciprocate. Stop people pleasing. Maybe talk to a therapist to help unpack these feelings cause its better late then never. OOP: I saw a therapist recently, and though I didn’t bring this up as one of the things I wanted to get on top of, maybe I listened to some of the life advice he gave me! Commenter 6: Everyone has a breaking point. His disrespect for you at Christmas time was clearly yours. And let's be honest, it was disrespect. He didn't just show he doesn't remember the date of your birthday, or make excuses for his forgetfulness. Those were behaviors that it sounds like you'd seen for years. This time he actively mocked you for your feelings. Why would you want to acknowledge his birthday when he actively mocks you for wanting him to do the same thing in return? Most people with even a dash of self-respect wouldn't either. If he's hurt because you returned the same energy to him that he's shown to you, then he needs to stop and look in the mirror. He needs to ask himself why he's being "so sensitive" about the matter. If he can't do that, why would you want to make efforts that he has no respect for? I am curious,is he as upset at your siblings for their failures to acknowledge his birthday as he is at you? Or does he realize that they wouldn't do anything without your reminders and is more upset at you than them? I will be honest, even if your dad takes this as a wake-up call, and changes his attitude, stop giving your siblings reminders. If they can't remember this stuff on their own, that's their problem, not yours. OOP: I think he was genuinely shocked that my brother forgot. Coz he’s the golden child etc. But I’ve been reminding my brother for years - I was pretty sure without me giving him a heads up that he would forget and I wasn’t wrong. In fairness, my Dad’s attitude has rubbed off on him a bit. I would say that my sister is incredibly overwhelmed right now with life, so I feel a bit bad that I didn’t remind her. Commenter 6: I'd say you can definitely stop reminding your brother. If he's got your dad's attitude, he can experience the consequences that go with it. Looking at your other comments, it sounds like your sister, on the other hand, may be an ally. You've said that she, at least, recognizes your dad's poor treatment of you around your birthday. Maybe she could be the one to lay it all out for him. To explain that you are the reason that he's gotten what he's gotten for birthdays in recent years. That his attitude is the reason that you no longer care to make an effort. It is possible that maybe he'll be able to hear from her what he's unwilling to pay attention to from you. It's sad that it has to be so, but sometimes that's just how it is. If he does come around, then you can revisit how you feel next year. If she's unwilling to talk to him, or even her doing so doesn't help, then just channel your GenX spirit. Unlease the DNGAF in you. If that means he ends up getting nothing from you, and forgotten by your siblings, then so be it. OOP: My sister is an angel and my best friend and I am lucky to have her. Commenter 7: INFO: Why did you wait until your dad's 73rd birthday to address this? Why not any other time in the last 20 years? You've just been stewing about your 18th birthday for the last 26 years? OOP: I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know why this one broke me. Also, it wasn’t just my 18th; I just brought that up because it’s a big one, and the contrast with my sister was so profound. There were other birthdays when I was a child that were forgotten because my Mum wasn’t always around. (I’m from the UK and she was from Eastern Europe and occasionally went to visit her wider family for a while when we were kids.) It was Christmas Day, after lunch, when we had the chat I mentioned, and I’d spent the whole of Christmas Eve cooking and I’d worked SO HARD to make it a beautiful day. I’d chosen, bought and wrapped all him presents to quite a few people, he just gives me a budget for everyone and a cheque. And he gives my sister a cheque to do the same for some of the rest of the family. And I was chatting with my sister and found out that the budget for my baby brother’s Christmas gifts is twice the budget for mine. And THEN Dad and I had that crap chat about my birthday. I was really hurt. But maybe I was looking to grow a spine for a while? I don’t know.   Update: November 9, 2025 (nearly nine months later) AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone (update a year on) Ok, so I deleted the original Reddit account for Reasons (I made some foolish comments, people called me out, I panicked) but it was my birthday last week, and some people asked me to an update so I made a new one and here goes: It was the afternoon of my birthday and the phone rang; it was my Dad. We chatted about stuff and did an online grocery order for him together, and then the conversation went like kind of this: Dad: “oh, and darling…” Me: “what?” Dad: “happy birthday.” Me: “where is my father and what have you done with his body?” Dad: “none of that.” So that was nice. And later when I saw him the next day, he gave me a glass flower bowl that had been my Mum’s that he had got my sister to wrap for me. Which was also very nice. So, all the people who said I should have played hardball before, maybe you were right. And all the people who said I only get one Dad and I should just love him, I really do and I haven’t neglected him the last X months I promise! So, whatever the reason for the weird stuff in the past (maybe a bad thing happened to him on my birthday, maybe he always resented the fact that my name wasn’t the one he and Mum originally agreed on, or whatever) I seem to have broken the curse. Dad remembered my birthday this year AND gave me a nice gift. Thanks Reddit! Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Everyone says they’re delighted for you but I am not. You deserve better. The bar is so low it’s practically in Hell. The devil is standing there like “Wow even I can say happy birthday and get somebody else to wrap not an actual gift but the easiest thing I could find instead of putting thought into something for forgetting my child’s birthday her ENTIRE LIFE.” I truly hope that your family recognizes your importance and the light you bring to them and so do you because this ain’t it. You deserve so much better than the bullshit they’ve given you. OOP: Thank you for standing up for me and wanting the best for me. I appreciate it, and it is the Reddit way. I think it’s worth saying, though, that the bowl is actually something quite special. It’s from Bohemia, where my Mum was from, and is over a 100 years old. It was on his sideboard. It is something of both personal and actual value. Also, my Dad and I do have a good relationship, which is why this whole birthday thing has been so weird and hurtful for me. I feel he has acknowledged his poor behaviour; our conversation on the phone felt very genuine. Commenter 2: Did you get your Turkish delight? OOP: Ha ha. I got the nice glass bowl so I guess I should put some Turkish Delight in it for Christmas Day or something. I was actually pretty happy when he rang. Commenter 3: I'm sorry if this post comes across as negative, it's not meant that way. So after he 'forgot' your milestone birthdays and other birthdays, on this one he didn't buy you a gift, he found a bowl in his house that his wife, your mother, liked (he probably wouldn't miss it in his house) and didn't even wrap it himself, he got your sister to wrap it for him. Did I get that synopsis right? That's a pretty low bar to be congratulating him on based on his past history. I mean it's a start. But he's got a long way to go. OOP: I am listening to you, and thank you for not wanting to be mean! My Dad is disabled, so going shopping is something that we would have had to do together. So giving me my Mum’s crystal bowl (it’s over a century old and from Bohemia where she was from, was not the cop-out it might be if it was from like Selfridges.) had another benefit. It allowed him to surprise me. Also he is very precious about his cut glass. He gave me something that was of value to him, and was going to definitely be of value to me. I know the bar seems low, and it is low, but Dad and I actually get on very well, which is why this garbage about my birthday has been soooooo weird and hurtful. But I don’t need him to prostrate himself and beg for forgiveness. Or buy me diamonds. I just want a hug and best wishes and exactly what normal daughters and fathers have on their natal days. I don’t need compensation… So, yes, I know what you are saying. But he didn’t give me something of zero value he found lying on a shelf. And he gave me the modest acknowledgement that is all I was demanding. Commenter 3: Are you the only one that could have brought your father shopping? You mention that your sister wrapped the glass bowl for him - was she not able to bring him shopping? I still think he has a long way to go here to rectify so many forgotten birthdays, particularly the milestones that he did manage to remember for your sister. You are coming across as such a lovely, forgiving person. For me, while this is a start, it would just be that for me. A start. I wouldn't be looking for diamonds but I would be looking for more than finding something around the house and giving that as a gift. Do your siblings get the same level of thought or not for their birthdays as that would be the marker for me? I'm pleased that he marked this birthday but as I said earlier, he has an awful lot of making up to do here. His bar is so terribly low it's not really even off the ground. He could do a lot better, in my opinion. I hope you had a lovely birthday though. OOP: I thought about what you wrote, and there is a little more that I didn’t put into the original update. We went on holiday for a long weekend in the summer, with my godson, and the two of them sneaked out and he bought me a set of gold and pearl earrings. They were also a thoughtful gift as when my mum died he gave me her pearl necklace which is worth A LOT - I think he meant it as an apology for the previous birthday. I think on his birthday, he had finally learned the lesson I wanted him to, and didn’t want to wait 10 months to show me. The thing is that the birthday issue has been such a weird outlier. It is at odds with how we behave to one another. We genuinely have a good relationship. We laugh together a lot. And yes I had a great birthday! I went to see Paddington the musical at the Savoy Theatre in London and ate a lot of dumplings in China Town. It was awesome xx OOP on her father's OCD OOP: So, unlike a lot of people his age, he did actually have his OCD formally diagnosed and assessed when I was about 25 because it was causing issues and he found it useful; he thought about the things that it was good for (his job, keeping the house very need) and bad (brooding on things he can’t fix, ruining dinner by throwing away the just-made gravy to wash the pan and put it away, turning off the lights when he left a room regardless of whether other people were in it) and worked on them. I think now that he lives on his own, since my Mum died, his very regimented day is helpful to him. He always makes his bed first thing, and his day flows from there. I’m going to just take this win, I think. I do love him, and he’s old!   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Why YSK: As we all know grocery prices are at an all time high, this deal is a fantastic offer feeding up to 10 people with a delicious Thanksgiving feast for only $40. Also last year it was $50, instead of going up like everything else it’s $10 cheaper this year. Items include: Whole Turkey Chicken Broth Condensed Cream of Mushroom Soup Evaporated Milk Hawaiian Sweet Rolls Miniature Marshmallows Cut Green Beans (x2) 100% Pure Canned Pumpkin Shells & Cheese (x2) Brown Gravy Mix (x3) Poultry Spices & Herbs French Fried Onions Pie Crust Chicken or Cornbread Stuffing (x2) Whipped Dairy Topping Yellow Onions (3 lbs.) Baby Peeled Carrots Celery Cranberries Sweet Potatoes (3 lbs.) Russet Potatoes (10 lbs.) This shopping list allows you to serve a "14-pound turkey, rolls, cranberry sauce, mac and cheese, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie." If you're strictly sticking to only buying the items from Aldi's list, then you won't be able to customize recipes to your liking. But obviously, if you do have a little wiggle room in your budget, then you could make some things from scratch rather than buying the mixes or canned/pre-made stuff. And keep in mind that Aldi's list assumes you already have some pantry staples on hand. For example, both their chicken stuffing mix and their cornbread stuffing mix require 1/2 stick of butter each, but that's not included. Or if you're following Campbell's Green Bean Casserole recipe, you'll need milk and soy sauce. But still, it's pretty crazy how Aldi is extremely affordable for Thanksgiving. Links: Feast for 10 page with items and prices (cranberries aren't listed for some reason): https://www.aldi.us/products/thanksgiving/feast-for-10/k/259 Aldi's Thanksgiving Press Release: https://corporate.aldi.us/newsroom/news/thanksgiving-press-release Full credit for this post goes to u/georgecloooney , I just copied it over from the Aldi sub. submitted by /u/WanderWut to r/YouShouldKnow [link] [comments]

I sat down last week to finally make a proper budget, allotting $300 a month for groceries since I’m cooking for two. But I’m already $50 over this month because I keep impulse-buying snacks or forgetting my list. It’s frustrating to see my plan fall apart so fast. Anyone else struggle with sticking to a grocery budget? What tricks do you use to avoid overspending? submitted by /u/lottiexx to r/budget [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/anxietymaybemoving My [24] parents [50; 57] don't want me to move out because "I'm not done cooking," but I want out. TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, coercion, abuse MOOD SPOILER: Positive but still a struggle Original Post July 27, 2017 Hello, relationships. I apologize in advanced for the length. Sorry if this is a long ramble, I don't know how to put this in a narrative. So i have generalized anxiety disorder which disrupted a lot of my life, and naturally, my parents are extremely protective of me. I would get panic attacks, go through extremely bad relationships, and worry over nonsensical things. They've told me all my life to not worry about getting a job and to just let them pay for things. I would feel pretty guilty about this, especially since my parents were always giving money to my bio dad to take care of my severely autistic bother, and to my older sister who has a kid and has terrible money issues of her own from her own screw ups (she crashes cars, got fired from work all the time, and more.) So every chance I got, I would try to get a job. But my parents would always talk me out of it saying I'm not worried and that they would take care of it. I was in high school, so I didn't have much free time anyway. This was fine as a teenager but now I'm 23. I'm constantly driving between campuses and my internship, while also living an active social life and participating in the speech/debate team which gives me a grant that covers half the tuition. I make straight A's despite any trouble I run into, and just today found out that since I turn 24 in September, I qualify for a pell grant that will cover my tuition. Not to mentioned I am only 6 classes away from graduating with my BA! My anxiety is also ten times better, and I feel extremely accomplished. Even my speech coaches have told me they're so proud of how far I've come. But every summer during my college years I would try to find a job and my parents would make me quit. I only succeeded in keeping one job at a retail store, and they decided to push me to babysitting my brother so much I had to quit for "the family." After I quit my babysitting duties suspiciously subsided. I am only allowed 200 dollars a month for food expenses and gas, and since I go to school everyday back and forth in-between my internship, this isn't enough to sustain myself. I tried to bargain for more, they say I need to budget. I offer to get a job, they say absolutely not. Thing is, this is my last year. My tuition is being paid for myself and I only take three classes a semester now. This would be perfect to get a job to save up some money and to move out and transition to true independence. I also have an amazing, loving boyfriend who wants to take the next step and have me move in with him. I'm delighted but my parents 100% do not approve, despite him being so polite and making so much effort to get to know them (he bought my little brother two expensive transformers toys and didn't receive any thank you from them at all, much less bothered to even talk to him). I feel so discouraged. I tried hinting that I want to leave but they keep saying weird stuff like "you're not done cooking yet," and how I need to focus on my studies. Well I've been focusing on my studies and obviously they are fine. When I told my (step) dad about potentially having good news about my Grant money, he immediately berated me: "No, you're not moving out." Even though I wasn't even going to TALK about it. They put a lot of pressure on me to do impromptu milk runs in the middle of the night, to take care of my brother while they go out. They say I can come and go as I please, but demand me to text me where I am through out the day and make extremely snide remarks on how I practically live at my boyfriends even though they establish that it was supposed to be absolutely fine. I'm getting sick of living here. I get berated for hanging my bath towel in the "incorrect" towel rack, have to stop at home to do the dishes between school and my internship even though I'm barely home enough to do the dishes anyway, and I get fussed at for not being home but when I AM at home they don't even acknowledge my existence unless they need something. I'm so tired of them seeing all my anxieties as me not being ready, and not seeing the strides I could make on my own. But I'm still conflicted. I don't want to lose them, I just want to move out and live my life freely and develop responsibility. I feel weird that they aren't even letting me do that. I don't feel like I'm even home here anymore. tl;dr: despite me being responsible, straight a, productive student with grant money to pay for tuition, parents still won't let me out and I feel trapped. RELEVANT COMMENTS Jossrah Op, maybe I'm late, but as someone who has struggled with and overcome my anxiety and panic attacks - your parents are part of why your mental health is in such a bad state. The only way to escape the downward spiral that is the panic trap, is to regain your confidence in your ability to survive and ride out life's challenges and your own feelings. In order to do that you don't have to be alone but you do have to be left to your own devices. Neither your parents nor medication is going to cure you or protect you, but the ability is within yourself. To access it, your parents have to step back an let you do you. Please be strong and move out. Get in touch with a therapist specializing in anxiety disorders and cbt, if you feel that you want to stop living and suffering like this. If you have any questions regarding panic attacks and the like, feel free to drop me a message OOP This touched me. I've been a long time sufferer of anxiety since I can remember, and there were times where when I wanted to cry and my parents would barge into my room and demand what's wrong when I just wanted to be left alone. It caused me to start crying in my car so they wouldn't see or hear. My parents did give me help with my anxiety though, and made me do therapy and I have medication for it and it's manageable. But I've started to notice my anxiety stems from being away from home "too long" for the fear that my parents will berate me, not because that I wanted to be there. When I stay the weekend with my boyfriend I am actually less anxious and more happy, and when I go back to my parents and then visit my boyfriend again, my boyfriend comments on how I'm weirdly defensive and anxious all over again. I feel like I can move out by the end of the year at the very latest. Although my boyfriend has offered me to let me stay with him even without a job, I want to find a job first and contribute to the rent. I don't think I want to be dependent on anyone ever again. I'm finding a bit of difficulty because of school and my lack on of work history, but I am applying everyday. ~ killingnazis1945 "They put a lot of pressure on me to do impromptu milk runs in the middle of the night" what the fuck do they need all that milk for in the middle of the night they need to go the fuck to sleep instead of drinking all the fucking milk OOP Right?! My mom is obsessed with milk for some reason. If I'm coming home late from a speech/debate rehearsal for my talent grant (which lasts 3 whole entire fucking hours) she would ask me to bring home milk, even though it's so freaking late. It's happened more than once to the point where my close friends joke about it. Voyager_crossing Just FYI, this is a thing on /r/raisedbynarcissists and justnomil. Everyone has a milk story. And a bathroom towel story! It's super weird how many consistencies there are between all these people. Edit: Wow! I never imagined my post would get this big! I am extremely grateful for the advice and constructive criticism. I do think my parents have slight narcissism issues, but ultimately in their weird way they seem to think they are doing the best by me while also taking extreme advantage of the situation. I'm applying to multiple part time jobs, and have been for a while - but the advice everyone has given out has just reaffirmed that I MUST do this. Once I get a job and have a decent amount of income, I am going to let my mother know that I will move, and that she can't say anything to change my mind. I know she'll be pissed, and that my step dad will be enraged, but I suppose that's the cost of seeking happiness. I might schedule a therapist appointment in the mean time with someone who is quite familiar with how my mother can be, and seek her advise as well. Thank you everyone again I truly appreciate the outside perspective! Update Sept 19, 2017 (2 months later) SO. A lot has happened. Let me just say I appreciate everything you guys have told me. I reread your comments and it's amazing how many instances I ignored from my parents that was extremely wrong of them to do. Thank you so much for your advice, and concerns, I felt extremely vindicated but more than that, I finally felt "not crazy" which was extremely important to me. Anyway. On to the update! So after reading all the comments, I made the decision to apply to jobs. I applied to all I could find, and actually landed a decent paying job as a front desk associate. Also, I got two grants from my school to pay for my entire tuition, AND have some extra money! So yay!! I landed the job, got my grant money, and talked to my boyfriend. We both agreed that I should move out, and he was more than willing to have me move in for 500 a month. I was thrilled, and sat down with my parents. They did not take it well. They told me I couldn't live somewhere else and stay on their insurance. They told me I was making the worst decision of my life, and threatened to take me off all insurance and to cut me off completely. As a person who has to take Prozac everyday to function like a normal human being, this terrified me. They told me they "let" me get a job this time (even though I did it behind their backs) but that moving out against the "agreement" they had with me (we never had an agreement...they simply told me that I had to live with them, period.) This broke my heart and my boyfriend decided to talk with them next time with me, this time bringing a financial planning paper we both worked on to show we thought about things and we had a budget and talked to his parents and they were thrilled and everything. My parents shot me down again. The entire meeting in front of my boyfriend, my parents told me I was incapable of living on my own, that I wouldn't last out there in the "real world" and that I never finished anything I sought out to do. Even though I am a straight A student. Even though I got not one, but TWO college grants. Even though I am literally a state champion in speech and debate. They guilted me and made me feel bad for wanting to move out, accusing me of abandoning the family, and told me flat out that I will fail, period. That I would not be able to accomplish anything and that I will be miserable. I'm not even exaggerating, they legit said I wouldn't accomplish anything. I then tried to compromise, and asked them if I was to still live at home, to allow me to live a relatively free life to come and go, and if they wanted me to quit my job, give me a little bit more to live off of since I'm trying to make a life for myself out there. Nope. They said I belonged at home, period, for the sake of me being home in case they needed me. I don't mind helping out at all, but home for the sake of just being around? Doing nothing? Writing this, I still feel like I'm plain out disobeying them and feeling guilty for feeling upset at how they treated me. I feel like I have to justify every sentence I say, and that in itself isn't right. I think they love me in their way. But i couldn't live with them anymore. At this moment I realized my parents would never look at me and see anything but the mistakes I've made in my life, and see me as a crutch. I was so sad I didn't have their support. But I got out. Now, I live with my boyfriend and things are good. We are still packing, but I have never felt happier. I look forward to going home now, I barely have panic attacks, and my job is going very well. I'm learning how to budget for bills, and after fighting hard I managed to get my parents to keep me on medical insurance, but I think I can make it work. Thanks again everyone for their advice. Just wanted to let you all know I took it, and I don't regret it at all. TL;DR: got out of my parents house, they threatened to cut me out, now I live with boyfriend and feel more at home than I've ever had. RELEVANT COMMENTS smallof2pieces This is awesome. You're awesome. I can't imagine how frightening this had to be for you, but you stuck to what you wanted out of life and didn't let anyone intimidate you. That's true bravery and strength of character, really. Seriously feel proud of you and I've never even met you. I'm certainly no doctor and I could be way off point but something tells me that having moved away from your parents, you might find you eventually don't need that Prozac anymore! OOP Thank you so much! It sounds great on paper, but it was definitely a messy journey getting out. Lots of fights and lots of tug and war, but in the end it got me here and I'm happy. ~ RedBanana99 How is your relationship with your parents now? Are they texting/calling you and trying to get you back? I remember your original post and I couldn't be happier to read of your happiness. Big slap on the back for you OP! OOP My mom texts me from time to time, I have a closer relationship with her then my step dad (who did all the threatening to kick me off and jazz, my mom just stood by and let it happen). I definitely feel like our relationship will get better, but she still demands I do things for her despite my busy schedule that I have to firmly tell "no" to her. First holiday not living with my nparents, don’t know what to feel. Dec 11, 2017 (2 months after last update) Just so that I don’t make this most obnoxiously long, here is the post about me moving out recently from my parents: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/70zvf3/update_my_24_parents_50_57_dont_want_me_to_move/?st=JB1PKKMP&sh=eebbdfd1 This is my first time posting here. Someone told me on the /r/relationship thread to check this subreddit out when I shared my story of being trapped in my parents house. I’m still kinda timid about called my parents narcissists....but them keeping me trapped at home for so long without so much of a second thought has been hard. Especially since my boyfriends parents are in my life now. Since I moved out in September, my boyfriends parents have come up and beyond to help us. They don’t even wait for us to ask, they helped repaired some walls, they’d buy us lunch or groceries, they got me a surprise birthday gift. They’ve come over more times than I can count and they even came over and cooked us thanksgiving dinner in our apartment. I invited my parents to come but they ended up saying they couldn’t. In fact they haven’t visited once. I visited a couple of times but not much. I haven’t spoken to my (step) father since me and my boyfriend sat down with him to tell him I’m moving out, and all he did was tell me I couldn’t do it and that I’d become a failure of I did for a good hour. He listed all the mistakes I made in my life to the point my boyfriend felt like he had to defend me. I am by no means perfect, but I just wanted to leave. My (biological) father has visited me several times. He’s been great and supportive. My parents (mom and step dad) have not. They’ve never offered to help me with anything. My mom calls sometimes but that’s it. This month she invited me several times in the middle of finals to go ornament shopping with her. I’d said I thought that would be nice but I’m working my ass off right now, with both my job and trying to finish my final projects for school that my teammates bailed on me for (so I had to do the work of 4 people...by myself. Ugh.) She said fine. She calls me Friday, says Sunday the whole family is gonna decorate the tree and eat pizza and asked me to come. Again I told her I wasn’t sure I could make it. Me and my boyfriend at this point were staying up every night doing school work together until 3am or sometimes 5am. Studying for final tests and doing projects and extra credit. I’ll admit we had a rough year this year but we managed to pull through with Bs - but only because we did work this entire weekend. She told me my niece Kloe would be there, who is the sweetest 10 year old ever that I helped raise and I don’t get to see her often. But I told my mom I might not be able to. I said I wanted to, but I had a lot of work, since it’s still finals week. She said ok and told her to let her know. The next day I gave her an update that I was still working and she said “Just come here for thirty minutes and we will feed you,” which I thought was sweet. Still I didn’t make any promises and told her me and my boyfriend are still working our asses off. Because my boyfriend helped me this entire semester to stay afloat with school, and kept me sane for the moving process, I wanted to stay up with him and do homework, so I did. We didn’t get to sleep until 5am. Today (Sunday) I wake up at 1pm with a phone call from Mom. I pick it up and it was my niece Kloe saying hi to me. Then my mom picks up the phone and asks when I’m coming over. I told her I couldn’t, I just woke up, I’m utterly exhausted from Finals week and I don’t think I’d be good company right now. Plus I still had a presentation to record myself for (I am not good with time management.) She said “ok I got to go” and hung up. She hasn’t texted me since. I feel awful. I told my boyfriend about it and he got mad at my mom, and reminded me that I never promised I would go. And he’s right I told her from the start I might not be able to come. I even told her any day AFTER Sunday would be better for me because then finals week is done. The fact Kloe was there makes me feel awful too. I keep worrying that she was sad I couldn’t make it and my parents are just telling her I’m being selfish and that I just don’t want to come....but I did want to, I just was physically exhausted and tired and still had more work to do. I know they are mad at me. But I did everything I could, I told them it wasn’t a good time for me and they didn’t even try to change the day. I never said yes. I shouldn’t feel guilty, should I? My boyfriend is frustrated that I feel like I owe them something when they’ve done nothing to help me transition into my new life. Are parents even obligated to do that? Are his parents just wonderfully nice? I don’t know. There wasn’t much point to this message. I’m just sad and can’t sleep and holidays are hard and I didn’t know where to go. Thank you to anyone who managed to read this garbage. I just needed to talk about it I guess. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/favoritenephew11 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITA For Housing Only 1 Nephew For College? Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: entitlement, favoritism, golden child syndrome, manipulation, mentions of bullying Original Post: August 19, 2025 This is a burner account, and all names are fake. I (F39) am very much NOT a kid person. I can tolerate them in small doses, but I also find them uninteresting/annoying and don't want any of my own. I'm well aware that some find my child-unfriendliness off putting and can strategically fake it until I make it most of them time. I just prefer to avoid situations/relationships where I'm expected to interact with kids but when I can't, I radiate "don't talk to me" energy to deter them and will try to pawn them off/redirect them and escape. I had the good fortune to be the baby of the family during my generation, but as my siblings and cousins started having kids, they resented me for being a "deadbeat aunt" (as one cousin put it). They kept pushing me to be involved with their kids, and I eventually snapped and told them how I felt about kids in general; afterwards, I was slowly iced out socially. I stopped trying when I was hospitalized and only 1 person even bothered to visit, or even call. The one exception was my brother Michael (M43). He never questioned or undermined my decision. He was that one sole visitor when I was hospitalized. He never tried to force his son Adam (M18) upon me, nor did he resent that I didn't take a serious interest in Adam until he was 14. Even when he was in the trenches in regard to parenting, he still made time to call or text, if sporadically. In the present, Adam is the only niece/nephew that I care about. Yes, his cousins did not receive a fair opportunity to bond with me. Yes, I'm playing favorites; I've set up a 10K college fund, I take him out for experiences monthly, and I've given him some pricey gifts, while his cousins get zilch. Yes, this has caused friction in the past, but I've always been happy to be the bad guy. I try to be discreet (Adam has been instructed to attribute the gifts to his father and not me, and I did not tell him about the college fund until a month ago). My latest gift however, has led to a major fall out. I live in a desirable location in a major city with a while Michael/Adam lives nearby. Adam was recently accepted to his dream school in said city, but it's out of his budget. I offered to let him live rent-free with me, which would allow him to commute (my house is much close to campus) and thus, afford it. The issue is my other nephew Alex was also accepted into that school, and it's also his dream school. Alex comes from a disadvantaged background while Adam is middle class. Alex won a partial scholarship to said school, but it's still not enough. When he heard about my offer to Adam, he asked (using Adam as an intermediary) to be included. I refused. I've nothing against Alex, but I also haven't talked to him for 15 years (not that we were ever close) and we simply don't have an emotional connection. It would also come at a massive opportunity cost; I rent out my spare bedrooms, and I'd lose 38K in rental income (yes, this is well below market rate) over 4 years. Most of my relatives are now in arms. They've given the ultimatum that either 1) I extend my offer to Alex as well 2) I rescind my offer 3) Adam rejects my offer, or they will go NC with Adam and Michael. They're calling Adam the "golden child" (he's an only child), say that Alex deserves my help far more, and are "tired" of my favoritism. They're not wrong about my favoritism, but honestly.....IDGAF (about my ex-family). Though I never blocked them or had a big fallout, we've been effectively NC. I value chosen family over people who happen to share my DNA and we've both made choices that demoted them to the latter category. I'm also of the opinions that aunts and uncles are entitled to have preferences. Furthermore, I don't see what makes Alex more deserving; he certainly needs the help more, but that's not my tab to pay. Adam is in a more complicated situation. Michael is willing to support whatever Adam chooses and refuses to pressure him. Adam and Alex aren't close, but accepting my offer would mean giving up many other familial bonds that Adam does value; rejecting it means Adam giving up on his dream school. I do feel bad that my offer is forcing Adam to choose. EDIT: I can't believe that I have to say this explicitly, but I DON'T HATE KIDS. They're just not my cup of tea. You cannot like something and not want to throw it into a trash compactor. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was heavily favored toward NTA Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: NTA Family who iced you out for years doesn't get to make demands about your money now. Downvoted Commenter: Idkk have to ask why a whole family has iced out OP. I find it hard to believe OP did absolutely nothing to warrant that. And given this post i can kinda see why… OOP: It's so heavily implied in the post that I didn't think that I needed to state it out loud explicitly; I'm not a kid person. For many people (including my bio family), there is no space in between adoring children and wanting them to die horrible deaths. Downvoted Commenter 2: You're technically right but YTA IMO. How are you surpsied your family stopped being interested in seeing you when you told them you hated their kids. Apparently they were supposed to basically have an entirely separate kid-free relationship with you? OOP: Never said hate, just not interested in. Hate and indifference are totally different things. I hate and will go out of my way to squish every mosquito I see, but I'm ok with spiders, even if I'd rather they not be in my house. And yes, you can have a relationship with a person and not their kids, because some parents have a life and sense of self independent of their kids. Michael was able to do it, I have 2 parents friends that were able to do it, it's not impossible. Commenter 2: NTA. Please sit down with Adam and Michael so the two of you can explain everything to him. It is not fair that they are going to ostracize him for saying yes go your offer. Because of that, he needs to know the truth in the event it does happen and, hopefully, understand that they are taking the issues they have with you out on him. At least this way if he says yes, he knows the 'why' behind their possible behavior. And, I'd probably take Alex out of have a phone call and explain it to him too because he too is of age to understand what relationships can get you, or how the lack of relationships can close doors/opportunities. OOP: I don't think that I should have to explain it to Alex. Even at his age, it was pretty intuitive to me that there is a direct correlation between how close your relationship is with someone and how big a favor you ask of them. Michael already knows, and he and I have explained the situation to Adam already Commenter 3: Wait..... Your family is going to punish your brother & his son for a decision YOU made? Did I get that right? I understand why they would do that. You are beyond their reach in terms of their ability to punish you. So they are going to punish the innocent. How fucking cruel. Unfortunately, OP, you have no tools to use against your asshole family. Q: Do you really think the broader family will cut off your brother & his son? Are they really willing to go that far? Or do you think some of them will break from the family & maintain that relationship? Can this fracture the family, and can your brother & son use that threat of fracture against them? In your shoes, I would be very tempted to go out with both of my middle fingers in the air. If you get my drift. NTA. Quite the opposite. You are a woman of vision & humanity. Don't let this change you. OOP: If Adam and Michael have to use the threat of familial breakup to cow relatives into submission, then perhaps they aren't worth the effort of keeping in his life. The ones that would keep in touch would have done so anyway Commenter 4: NTA. Go do your thing and focus on the people who have shown they actually care about you. A bit of advice is that you should learn to bend the truth when it suits you. For example, this whole housing thing and renting out rooms and whether or not you can accommodate Alex is a situation where a bit of deception would have gone a long way. For example, when asked if you can house Alex, you could have said, "Sorry, I don't have any space in the house and all the current tenants have over 2 years left on their leases. I had no idea Alex was considering university in my city since we have not spoken in many years."   Update: August 21, 2025 (two days later) Update: AITA For Housing Only 1 Nephew For College? I saw a few questions in my last post that I wanted to address: Why not try to form a bond with Alex now? He comes across as a gold digger and disingenuous seeing as he was perfectly happy being distant from me without something to gain. Why distance yourself for Alex's parent's sins? I didn't. I just don't have a reason to try to form a bond with him. Just like I don't have a reason to connect with cashier at my local grocery store. Many people that didn't meet by circumstance meet because of a social lubricant that brought them together; aunt/nephew ties are facilitated by said aunt's ties to the child's parents/wider family, and said ties do not exist in this case. A relationship with Alex might also be a liability if our relatives try to weaponize it in some way, and given that they already tried with Adam.....I'll pass. Why didn't you put your bio family on an information diet? I did. Unfortunately, I suspect that Adam slipped up during his excitement at being given the chance to attend his dream school after thinking that he couldn't. I've always stressed the importance of secrecy, but up to this point he's never experienced conditional love, and in his naiveness, believed the best from his relatives. It's a lesson that I wish he'd learned in a different manner, but what's done is done. I did see the suggestion about claiming that I have a long term lease on my other rooms, and that probably wouldn't work; my relatives would probably demand that I try to break the lease (taking on the penalties) or that Alex and Adam share a room. Could you compromise? Is there a win-win solution for both Adam and Alex? Maybe let them share a room? Perhaps, but you NEVER negotiate with bullies-it sends the wrong message. Also, it would be incredibly awkward and tense between Alex and I, never mind Alex and Adam, who would be living in the same room. Why not just rent out the room, and send Adam the proceeds so he can get a room elsewhere? My rates are well below market value, and it would not cover the cost of a room elsewhere in the area for Adam. I could raise the price to market value, but then I'd have to explain to said potential tenants why they're being charged so much more than the tenant that I already have. I also don't want to raise my rates on principle; I don't like that landlords/private equity are intentionally squeezing the housing market. The only reason why I'm renting out my rooms is because they'd be sitting empty otherwise, and offering them cheaply was a compromise between pragmatism and my values. I actually would've preferred a smaller place but there weren't any smaller houses that ticked off my non-negotiable requirements. You've no right to feel hurt over being abandoned in the hospital! You pushed them away! As acknowledged in my post, everyone made decisions that contributed to me going NC; I was disinterested in the center of their world, and they couldn't accept me as who I was. And while I certainly self selected out of kid-centric events, I repeatedly tried to reach out to arrange kid-free hangouts. Heck, I would've been ok with occasional texts/phone calls-that was literally the only way Michael and I stayed in touch until Adam was 7. And the hospital incident didn't hurt me so much as it was the final nail that ended any hope of reconciliation. I was well aware that our relationship was fraying well before the incident. Update As for the actual updates, Michael, his wife and I were gearing up to have a talk with Adam to discuss his options, go over the pros and cons and long term effects, reaffirm our support and nudge him in the right direction. It turns out, we didn't need to, though not for the reason that we'd like. Adam call me yesterday, clearly upset. Apparently, his cousins have been talking smack behind his back, saying some really nasty and cruel things and targeting some of his deepest insecurities. Even if he wanted to make peace with Alex, it wouldn't be possible now. I still think that it would be beneficial to have the talk with him though, if only to help process his feelings. It isn't all doom and gloom though. A friend of a friend is apparently an interviewer for a job that one of the nasty cousins has applied for, and asked about a week ago if I knew them (we look similar and have an unusual family name) and had any tea. No, I was not listed as a reference. I didn't know the cousin well enough to comment back then, but now? Guess who's gonna get a call and a warning not to hire that cousin due to "bad character"? Did I also mention that said job was in a small industry with typically only 1 employer per area? Yes, I'm a petty queen and I own it. Top Comments Commenter 1: So basically, the cousins are as bad as if not worse than their parents. It sounds to me like the only relatives that don't have to be worried about being screwed over by others are you, adam, and his dad. The rest are stuck with the other self serving assholes Commenter 2: I fully support the pettiness. FAFO in action. I think it would have been hard for Adam not to tell any family members that he was living with you for several years. So it's a good lesson for him Commenter 3: Your story fascinates me because Reddit so often supports people who set boundaries and condemns entitled people. The boundaries you set, however, are sparking a lot of backlash this time around. You sound to me like someone who has accepted the fact that your personal preferences make you intolerable to your family, except Michael and his wife, who did not force Adam on you until he was well out of the toddler stage. Perhaps I identify with you because my partner and I are also not "baby or toddler" people, which is why we chose to adopt older children. Our daughters are now in their 40s and living happy, productive lives. Not only did we NOT suffer for avoiding young children; in our case it was a huge benefit to our daughters, whose odds of being adopted were not good. We adored them almost from the day we met and we are so grateful we had the opportunity to form an awesome family. Please make sure Michael's family knows what a wonderful gift they gave you by respecting your decisions and not jumping on the family bandwagon of "love me, love my kids!" Adam should not be vilified nor shunned for having great parents. Good luck! Commenter 4: Still NTA. It’s a shame Alex and the other cousins haven’t escaped the conditioning of their parents and remain petty, backstabbing, entitled emotional-parasites with aspirations to be gold diggers. Adam now has incentive to get as far from the family crab bucket as humanly possible. It’s a painful lesson, but one better learned now when he’s got a whole life of freedom ahead of him before they could truly exploit him. You’re a good aunt. Also it’s not petty, it’s karma. If the cousin will happily talk shit behind a ‘loved ones’ back they sure as hell won’t hesitate to spread harmful rumours through the workplace. Or resort to emotional blackmail to get what they want given the morals of the relatives they’re closest to. You’re being a Good Samaritan warning that interviewer against hiring someone far too immature for a grown up workplace.   Update #2: August 26, 2025 (five days later) Update 2: AITA For Housing Only 1 Nephew For College? I thought it was implied that Adam was accepting my offer and staying with me for college, but yes, he is. Michael, his wife and I had the conversation with Adam to help him process what his cousins did, we assured him that nothing that happened was his fault. He still sad, but seems to be doing better Speaking of my plans....I did make the call to the said acquaintance about my cousin. They mentioned that said cousin had been neck-in-neck with their competition and and there was one final, inconveniently timed (for the acquaintance) interview, and they outright thanked me for "giving them an excuse to cancel". The petty b*tch in me also decided to look up nearby similar jobs and found that unlike one I just blocked the cousin from, they were not unionized, likely mismanaged, and paid considerably less. The cherry on top is that when I told Adam, he seemed really happy, and added that the site for the job that the cousin just lost was a 10 minute commute. His mom scolded me for being childish, but her face said otherwise. Unless something unexpected happens, I expect that this will be the final update. Top Comments Commenter 1: You're petty... I like you Commenter 2: It’s not being petty, it’s enforcing your reputation as a reputable member of your industry and as a reliable reference. It’s a shame your cousin has displayed such unreliable and unprofessional habits, but very kind of you to forewarn someone who contacted you for a character reference. Such a shame your cousin never made the effort to be someone worthy of a good reference. Or at least was decent enough that you’d have nothing negative to say… Karma. Commenter 3: NTA Well, Alex had it coming with his Ultimatum and the Overall terrible behaviour. You have Adams back, the Rest of your hunchbacked relatives can kick rocks.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not OP. That is u/Constant_Barnacle992 who posted to r/TrueOffMyChest TW: neglect Big thanks to u/LucyAriaRose for letting me know about the update Original Boru 2nd Boru New post will be marked with 🛑🛑🛑. Original Post April 22nd, 2024 TL;DR skip to the bottom. I (m43) try to do my best to provide for my wife (f38) and 2 kids (3,5) as well as my MIL and would like to think I am doing a decent job. Over the years, I worked to improve our family’s living situation, not only did I complete another bachelors and recently masters in a STEM related degree, I at the same time worked 2 full time jobs (while completing my 2nd bachelors) and put my wife through school as well. She completed a degree where she could make good money (~60-70k/yr) in a healthcare field that always has jobs available. But with the birth of our 2 kids, she has since “gave up” on her career to be a SAHM for the time being. At first it was a struggle while I was finishing up my masters. Once I completed it, after our youngest turned 3 my career took a jump up and we are now able to afford our single income household in a more feasible manner. We’re far from rich but do ok for a single income family of 4 (a little north of 150k base+ bonuses). The past year life was overwhelming per my wife, so even though I now work 75% from home, I budgeted to hire a daytime nanny to help her around the house with 1 child while the other is in school now My day starts everyday around 530-6am. I get the house ready for the day before the nanny comes at 8am, I get our oldest up and ready for school, breakfast made, and plan out my day, bring our oldest to drop off, and be home in time to let the nanny in. My most recent task at work has me grounded for the next 2 months meaning I am now 100% WFH, while this is nice, I am busy in meetings all day as my role manages teams on a global scale as I oversee projects from my industry. For the past 1 ½ months, I realized… my wife as much as she says her life is stressful at home… starts at 10am. I asked my MIL and nanny if this was always the case after a week or so of wfh, and they both responded more or less… sometimes earlier sometimes later. My wife literally wakes up and cooks and then scrolls through her phone or shops from home… which brings me to my gripe. I am glad I am able to provide her that sort of life since we both grew up lacking in means. I get the possibility of postpartum depression, the stress of having kids, the feeling of being unfulfilled, the fact that I probably am a shitty husband… but for what it’s worth… everything is taken care of and then some. I manage the houses finances (she claimed she was too busy to do so), pay all the household bills, I pay my own personal bills, I pay her bills, track and perform all the upkeep of our house appliances/cars/pets/etc., and I also “help” pay for my MIL’s medical bills and car note. …but apparently my life is on easy street compared to hers. I can't decompress to her because it seems like she always feels the need to 1 up me. I had a bad day… but she had it worse cause I’m lucky I got to go away and work… My feet hurt from walking all day during work travel, which is nothing compared to her standing and cooking with a child clinging to her. For the past 2 or so years… I’ve been told I ruined her life, her opportunities, etc… but when I reminded her of what she says, she denies and dodges accountability. My MIL has brought me aside and stated she’s noticed a change in both myself and my wife. I have a greater attachment to my kids and hell… I’ve hugged the dogs and talked to them more about my life than to my wife. I honestly feel like I am in emotional survival mode as I’m one step from moving up the career ladder and one step away from finding love and comfort from the bottom of a whiskey bottle. I’m sure I’ll be hearing from the manly men of reddit about how I’m simping… but I’m not a machine. I just want to know and feel that someone I prioritize aside from my kids appreciates and loves me for what I do… I’m sure I’ll hear from the stay at home moms of reddit… which is fine. I grew up in a single parent/mother household. It’s not easy… and honestly with the help of her mother and a nanny Mon-Fri, for one toddler while another child is at school… Can you honestly tell me she’s having the typical SAHM experience? Because neither my friends or colleagues who are single parents can say she is. I’m sure the masses of holier than thou redditors will consider this a poorly written fanfic, but it is what it is. TL;DR Long story short, It feels as if my wife has checked out of our marriage… we’re only roommates where she can still reap the marriage benefits. I’m not asking for her to throw herself at me all the time and let me do whatever I want… I really just want to be told I’m doing good and just offer me some form of emotional comfort as simple as a hug, but I guess as the man who ruined her life, I deserve it. *Thank you for the replies. To add more context: Never cheated. I do work in an industry that has a large female population, but I’m literally an open book with work, name colleagues and staff under me, she has access to my work agendas and correspondence if she really wanted to snoop, but on that note she still doesn’t know what exactly I do for a living at this time… We as whole family her parents and mine have tried to get her to go to therapy but she refuses or skirts around the issue. Aside from my coming from a single mother household perse, my biological dad was present in my life. She has had both parents in a reportedly monogamous marriage for over 40 years. I have tried to talk to her about everything and my own feelings but again… 1 upmanship tends to be the trend here. What I am getting out of the marriage was asked… now, aside from my 2 beautiful kids, I’ve been asking myself that same question. We have a near nonexistent sex life mainly since last year. I always figured maybe it’s part of depression or whatever she may be going through… maybe I’m just not attractive enough or just horrible in bed because of my health conditions… I’m not some super model husband but temptation and opportunity does knock and I can perform still but I never give in, because as cliche as it sounds I honestly do love my wife and want to only be with her. I’ll give credit where credit is due as I don’t want to sound biased: when I say she wakes up and cooks she cooks for everyone in the house. Myself, kids, MIL, and even nanny. Aside from breakfast she cooks all meals and snacks. I typically fast until lunch time and our oldest tends to eat a small simple breakfast incase they don’t like what school serves that morning. She does load both the kids and her laundry… but seldomly folds and puts them up. I typically do my own and the rest of my clothes I dry clean because they’re work clothes. She does keep track of our pantry and fridge? But after she makes the list I’m the one who goes out and buys everything if not delivered. She does clean our bathrooms and house 50% of the time, the other 50 is done by either MIL or myself or sometime nanny if she feels like being extra helpful. Prior to nanny, my MIL was the main help for my wife up until she had unexpected medical needs. So I opted to hire a nanny to help them both, more so when MIL is having treatments and recovering. UPDATE 06May2024. Not sure if anyone would read this, but thank you for those who have reached out and chit chatted. While I know I’ve kept my newfound friends here updated, I figured I just update my post and keep it short. I showed my wife my post the following weekend and she read it and all the comments. Long story short, argument, she left our house to stay with her sister, and I’ve been a “single parent” since. It’s sad to say, aside from the goodnights to our kids it’s all pretty much the same routine. Nothing much else to say other than thank you for all the kind words of encouragement. ***just need to add, this post got bigger than I expected from a venting post but I’ve responded to a few comments. Nonetheless, thank you for the comments and DMs… and more so for the offers to let me ruin your life ha. It’s been the highlight of my day/night as I sit here drinking with my dog while everyone else is asleep. It feels depressingly sad that I feel that I have to turn to random internet strangers for some sort of validation in my rant. My apologies in advance as I try to keep this as vague as possible. I ruined my wife’s life… again June 3rd, 2024 I just wanted to update those who have been kind enough to check up via DM and comments. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. It’s a bit of irony and coincidence that I made a follow up from the update on 06May2024 I made on my original post during men’s mental health awareness month but I could really use another outlet outside of my therapist. My apologies if this isn’t the story book ending/destroying of a relationship people were hoping for… To save you a read. Wife left. Came back like nothing happened. She made it about her. Nothings changed. I’m continuing to be suffering mentally knowing nothing will change while trying to keep it together for our kids. Lots of take out. The day after she packed up and left, my wife attempted to come back and take the kids with her to her sister’s. Naturally I was against this and thankfully so was her whole family including said sister. Not only was it not fair to our kids for her to sweep them away into a home that’s not theirs but to put that financial and housing stress on the rest of her family since she doesn’t work and her sister and her family (husband and 3 kids) stays with their dad in the house they grew up in. After a little over a week of being away, I guess she cooled off so she just decided that it would be fine if she walked in the door with her bags as if she just came back from Target. She came into my office while I was working and angrily stared at me while I sat on a conference call meeting with my team and I couldn't just jump off as this is a busy time of the quarter for us. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because once I took off my headset and closed my laptop she started yelling at me about how much I really don’t care about her and her well being overall. At that moment I couldn't do anything more than look at her and just shake my head. Mother in law came in after hearing my wife yelling and pulled her away, telling her to not bother me, while our nanny kept our youngest away from it all on the other side of the house. That night after the kids were put to bed, I sat in my office by myself with a drink as I have been doing for the past nights and my wife came in. We talked. We argued. We cried. We drank. One thing led to another and we were in bed. I wish I could say that was our making up but the next sobering morning as we laid there, she went on about how hard it was for her the time she was gone. Literally… it was about her struggles staying at her family house in her old room with her dad and sister’s family. How lucky I am to be able to stay here and do this and that and buy this or do that and not stress as much as they did. How easy MY and everyone else's in our family lives are compared to hers even though we had similar upbringings… My mind and heart broke that morning. I’ve been spiraling down since then and this last week I made another attempt to reconcile and talk things out, but I was met with a shouting match while trying to express my current stress and anxieties with life and work in general: Wife: ”... well do you know how hard this is all for me? You’re supposed to help me be happy.” Me: “So when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well being… fk me get over it right? ” Wife: “ We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.” I don't know who the woman I am at home with is but that wasn’t the woman I married and vowed to spend my life with and raise our kids together. Since that conversation, I’ve been noticeably distant with her. I’ve been sleeping in my office or on the couch or with my kids in their bed after putting either one of them to sleep. Still doesn't change her starting her day at 10am… and sitting on her phone talking to her mom groups between cooking meals with the kids in both mother in law and nanny’s care. Nothing has changed and I doubt that anything will change. Sadly, I think even if we got a divorce, nothing would change or feel different anyway since during my wife’s leaving the days seemed like any other day except with a little more take out than usual. My main fear there isn’t that I wouldn’t just lose my wife, I’d lose my kids in the process. So I guess it’s sad to say the grand finale to my story with like alot of men and some women I’ve talked to here, I’ll just continue to smile and suffer in silence. *First off, thank you for all the comments and DMs.Some context and clarification since admittingly my post was emotionally charged since I typed it up after another argument. * Post birth, our kids pediatrician’s office gave my wife those PostPartum Depression screening forms and during the time of both she scored pretty high and was suggested to see a therapist. With our second child she scored significantly higher and we or I should say I made an effort to get her the help she needs. She refused, so entered mother-in-law and nanny for support… I know what people will say/think, but this is one of the reasons I am not 100% ready to just give up and file our life together away. Also, I know silently suffering in the near and long run of our kids' future will not add to a healthy atmosphere, but neither would a bitter and hate filled divorce. I know some have compared it to the ripping off a bandage, saying it’ll hurt at first but that pain goes away but I’d rather try to spare my kids thinking that their parents ended up hating each other because of them or something along those lines. I’ve told a few ppl I talk to in DM since my last post, a little more insight on my personal life, prior to my promotion I was a PM managing teams and budgets so out of habit I plan for a lot of “what ifs.”. That being said, I made a number of contingency plans if sadly things went south. So, yes I: Have talked to a lawyer, 3 actually. Know our rights and what each of us are entitled to. Have a draft settlement created and on hold until I feel I need to use it. I know what I want and am willing to offer more than what is fair for our kids' well being, but also have a plan if we end up going to court. It’s 100% on me that I’m suffering in silence, but I’m too stubborn to just give up so while I am venting, I don't expect anyone to “feel sorry for me”. I endure it to keep the norm our kids know, ensure my MIL’s treatments go uninterrupted, and of course the hope my wife would finally be open to give therapy a shot and climb together to a better place. Thank you all again. I ruined my wife’s life… so I ruined everyone else’s too July 1st, 2024 First and foremost TL;DR: I’m done. Wife said I don't do and am not shit in front of the therapist and family fathers day dinner. She got served. She mad. She is trying to act perfect and I’m just waiting while taking care of my family (kids, my mom, and MIL). Oh well, I’ll just ruin everyone else's life too in my family Secondly,to clear some confusion… I did NOT get 2 bachelors and a masters while working 2 jobs at the same time as some readers are assuming. Bachelors #1 graduated in the early 2000s. Bachelors #2 via online years (2 classes a semester) later while working 2 full time jobs (job #1 hospital 36/48 schedule job #2 big box store 32-40hrs spread out 7 days a week) to pay for both my and my wife's tuition because she decided to go back to school before we had kids… After graduating from Bachelor’s #2 and entering the industry I am in now, I was able to work 1 job and get my masters. So no I did not get 3 degrees at the same time or in that close succession… and I am surprised that I actually have to spell this out as someone working 2 jobs while going to school isn't that uncommon, or at least that’s what I thought? My wife chooses not to work. She DOES technically have a job. She just barely works it to the point we forget she has a job, as in she worked 1 day 4-5 months ago for 8 hours on a Tuesday kind of barely works. Her job and manager is really supportive (Flex PRN model) and gives her a list of days they need coverage and she can choose to pick up a shift or not. While she can work more and only does just enough to keep up her license, she complains to our family of her career being on hold for one reason or the other although she has the opportunity to work more if she opted to. All things considered she has an available supportive circle around her for either decision she falls on. Our family, her job, and I have made multiple offers and taken many steps to open that door for her to go back to work, i.e. Nanny, MIL moved in to help, I work from home, her crazy flex prn schedule, etc. etc… but here we are. I am and have been in therapy for myself already. Aside from what I deal with at home, my work can be very debilitating in regard to my mental health as well as physical at times. Since I can't find the support I need mentally and physically at home with my wife, I’ve opted to attend therapy rather than find comfort with someone outside of the home or at the bottom of a bottle. I’ve tried to express this to my wife and as mentioned in my previous post...she has a habit of 1 upping me… and here we are. My Inlaws are still married, given the circumstances in our home, my MIL moved in to help out my wife, while my SIL and her family moved back into their parent’s house due to their own reasons. SIL and her family can save money while getting back on their feet, and my wife and I benefit from MIL’s help and we can keep a closer eye on her while she undergoes bi monthly treatments . My wife by means of questionnaires is highly suspected to have PPD alongside with a history of symptomatic OCD, ADHD, amongst other ailments that over the years she refused to get evaluated for or refused to accept results given. I knew what I was getting into and I love and accepted my wife for these flaws as she did mine at the time… Spare me your “ i don't feel sorry for you” or pity. I am like every other man who fell in love and wanted to give my person the best of me and the world I can offer… but again, here we are. There’s a lot of manly men/redpill nation guys out there complaining and saying I’m “simping” over my wife. While I respect your own opinions and perspectives, I will outright say, if this situation was only affecting my life… I would’ve left a long time ago. As one redditor said in a past comment that stuck to me, “I am the kind of person that will take a bullet for his kids…” maybe it’s in a different context intended, but to protect my children from any harm physically or mentally… I’ll take the proverbial bullet if and as needed. I’d like to think other dad’s out there would respond to the duty to protect their children, and that’s why I endured as much as I have. For the time being I would rather my wife use me as an outlet for whatever her problems were vs. our kids. Thank you all for the comments and reaching out. I’ve met many strangers who have become great reddit pen pals and some who have been in the know of every step that has been progressing to this point. I am surprised at how far this has gone, from other subreddits, other platforms, and even YouTube. Love me, hate me, say it’s all fake, no matter where you stand thank you for all the constructive comments and DMs to check in. Our kids and myself are going to be alright moving forward. Now for the update. The end of an era. This will be shorter than some expected, as really there’s not much to say but just satiate the questions some of you may have had and give people the satisfaction of the “I told you so” moment on Reddit. After a hard push from our family via an “intervention,” my wife and I finally attempted to go to marriage counseling. I’m sure many of you can guess how well that went. Blame. Tears. Regrets. Gas lighting. With a side of I am the reason for her life being ruined and horrible. Again. Just this time in front of a licensed therapist instead of reddit or mom groups. In the end, everything the therapist suggested and noted went over her head and ignored as it was against the grain of her status quo. One thing I guess worth saying was the therapist asked if she could recall when she last truly felt happy. Her response was about 12 or so years ago. Please note, 12 years ago she was still in her 20’s. Childless. Living with her ex. A vastly different time and position in life. I know it’s petty of me but I guess if that’s when she was last happy, it wouldn’t be that far of a stretch for her to find that happiness again since her ex is in the same apartment, job, and place in life that he was 12 years ago. Which is fine, if that’s how you want to live life, I try not to judge but in my 40s with kids, going clubbing 3-4 days a week is not my jam anymore. And of course… I don't want my kids around a mom and company who drowns themselves in Whiteclaws. To add, I know some will ask, I know and can confirm she hasn’t physically cheated on me but can’t confirm if she did emotionally (if that’s the right term?). After said therapy session I checked all her phone record’s and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but I also didn’t bother to check apps like IG or Snapchat. I know I'm probably boring, but shout out to all the Costco dad’s who’s Sunday Funday includes making rounds with kids for samples. The following weekend was Father’s day, and this year as expected not that big of a celebration as it is for many dads out there. Our family got together to celebrate with a BBQ and just simple family time, and my wife treated it like any other day. Sleep in. Get up. Cook. Phone. Shop. Attempt to play with kids. Phone. During said family BBQ my wife said she felt ill, so she sat around most of the day while the rest of the family as a whole made the experience enjoyable. When everything was set up and the family all sat at the table, her parents and sister’s family, my mother, our kids, admittingly it was a great spread, nothing extravagant but just a great meal for everyone. I was conversing with my brother in law about both of our kids' school Father’s day activities and I assume my wife overheard when I mentioned that it was a little sad to see some kids sit alone without their fathers during the Breakfast with Dad event I attended. She blurted out with a laugh loud enough for the whole room to hear, “ It’s not like you do anything anyway, I could’ve gone instead…” At that moment I was red and at a loss for words sitting there processing what she said in my head, while the dining room went dead silent. My MIL broke the awkwardness and in response said,” Well… maybe if you feel that way, one of you should divorce the other.” My wife looked at my MIL confused that she would respond with that and laughed mockingly in my direction and with her hand pointing at me said, “ …as if another woman would want a man like him? Just look at you.” while the room sat silent. I was angry, heart broken, confused, and embarrassed all at the same time. In manly man fashion, I just nodded my head in silence, stood up, and picked up my keys and got in my truck and drove off to get a drink while trying to ignore the cries of the rest of the family and our kids telling me to stay. I don’t know what was said or done while I was out of the house the rest of Sunday, because I couldn't bring myself to check our house cameras, but when I returned early Monday morning, the house had a completely different feel. As usual, I woke up around 6, got the house and our oldest ready for school drop off. Checked emails. Checked messages, nothing out of the ordinary. As I was getting dressed to leave, my wife laid in our bed snoring lightly. All i could do was look at her and think of what we had… and now lost. I’ve decided. I’m done. I can't do this anymore. I texted my lawyer that morning to move forward with serving her. Fast forward to last week, she was served at our home (reminder to people I had no choice but to be there because I work from home). She had, I guess what you could call a mini meltdown and came into my office screaming how could I do this to her? Her mother intervened, and that was met with me supposedly turning her whole family against her. But I digress, I probably would’ve felt bad if it wasn’t immediately followed by the rest of her week acting as if she’s been this active and attentive wife and mother the past few years. Sure people can say she’s making an attempt.. but she’s made many “attempts” and historically we fall back to where we’ve been. For those curious, I am aiming for full or at least majority custody of our kids. I already and will continue to cover all the expenses for our kids, insurance, tuition (both of our kids are/will be attending private schools come fall), medical bills, etc. My MIL has given me the courage and strength that helped supplement my own mother’s support throughout this. Basically she is what I hoped the kind of mother/wife my wife would have been to our kids and me. Out of respect for my MIL as well as per my own mother’s shared wishes, I will continue to help oversee and contribute financial help if needed during her treatments. While some may feel I should cut their whole family off, I know the hardships pushed onto a family while dealing with cancer and have dealt with it first hand as a family member and care provider on both sides of the desk. All in all, I’m prepared to go to “war” if needed but I just want a clean no fuss divorce. My wife has no alimony coming, so sorry for the redditors and mommy gang facebook groups saying she needs to divorce me first and get that “sweet sweet alimony money.” 1. We live in a state that does not typically enforce alimony 2.she has a means of gainful employment immediately 3. To help curb any possible problems I will cover her insurance and bills until either divorce is finalized or when she gains full employment. So that’s that. I’m done and waiting for the steps to be taken for everything to be finalized. Sorry it wasn’t as exciting of a story with plot twist as some may have hoped for but that’s life. Not sure I’ll update this once it's all finalized, which probably won't be for a few more months depending if we go to “war” or not. 🛑🛑🛑. I ruined my wife’s life… and I don’t care anymore. Feb 19th, 2025 In respect to the subreddit, I guess I should get it off my chest that as much as I don’t want to care anymore, I still do to some degree. Thank you for all the comments, messages, and to the handful of people who have become reddit pen pals throughout my journey in this matter. It took some time for me to update as between adjusting to my new life and slowly cutting ties with the past and moving forward for our children, family, and work has been my priority. With that I wanted to provide an update for those who may have been curious. TL;DR Divorced finalized. She took the money and seemed to have spent dam near all of it. Kids are good. MIL is doing good. Promotion, salary increase, and new home to start new life in the new year for me. Overtime, taking household items from my house, and combining incomes with her bf to make 1/4 of what I make a month for her (Yes, shameless plug. Don’t judge me). I am moving on. I have no interest currently in romance and want to primarily focus on our kids. THE UPDATE Since my last update, I’ve been under the scrutiny of our social circles and labeled every typical “toxic man/husband” stereotype that Facebook, Tiktok, and Instagram has to offer. As much as I hate the saying I kind of understand the, “you know my name but not my story” posts now. With that said, these strangers or alienated family and friends can take their opinions and go fk themselves because in the end, if our kids are happy, healthy, and flourishing under my “toxic household,” what’s it to you? The more important updates: We’re divorced. I have majority custody, and even though my ex is now trying to be the present mother whenever her now busy schedule allows, it is too little too late. My MIL continues to be responding well to treatments and SIL has now taken over where my ex was supposed to be in helping oversee her care. Post divorce, I recently moved homes and jobs and accepted the next step forward career wise which my company has been kind enough to slowly transition me into the role as leadership understands what I am going through at home. Interestingly it’s amazing how “common” my story is amongst my colleagues and network, I am sad/happy(?) to say I am now one of the newer members of the fellowship of divorced Directors and Execs. As sad as it may sound, it is nice to know that many understand and are willing to offer a high degree of support, advice, assistance, and guidance as needed. The divorce itself was quick, but it still had it’s sad and angry moments and many of the people in my camp think my ex got away with robbery. But the fact that I was awarded majority custody and per agreement have our kids (almost) every day and know they’re safe under my roof is worth every cent. While I had no say or real cares how my ex moved forward with mediation as long as she agreed to terms, I think the biggest slap in the face to me was how she delegated her boyfriend as someone to “advise” her throughout this process, because “his opinion is more important than any lawyer who isn’t looking out for my best interest.” At this point, the holidays were around the corner, and I didn’t want this to disrupt the holidays for our kids and family. While I was prepared to go to court, my ex did not want to diminish her “payout” and I just wanted things over and done with. I’ll leave out the finer details of the terms, but in exchange for having majority custody and taking care of all expenses related to our children, I would give her that lump sum she was aiming for with no request of child support on my end. She kept all her tangible possessions i.e. car, bags, clothes, jewelry, I had to sell the home and split the profits from the sale and foot the bill on taxes, gave her almost all our joint bank accounts after legal fees and to top it off laughably she argued rights to alimony, which she’s not getting. As a PSA, don’t rely on your legal advice from Facebook groups. IN THE END REALITY SINKS IN I’d like to think overall I’m a simple man, all I wanted to do was get married, have a family, and provide. With that goal in mind, I somehow got into a position where my spouse was able to choose if she wanted to work or not and not worry about anything outside of our family. How it turned out like this, I can’t pinpoint. I’ll admit I am a bit oblivious of what I did, but maybe it’s my own fault as some ppl stated and I brought this onto myself. Post settlement, I ended up downsizing and closed on a smaller but spacious house for the 3 of us and our dog, with a separate generational suite in our backyard for my MIL to stay as she wished to stay involved in our kids care regardless of if I was married to her daughter or not. Honestly, I made sure that addition to the home was available for her because I hoped she would be able and open to help until the kids were a little bit older. For what it’s worth, it seems my ex found her happiness. Luxury trips in a short time frame she wanted, her bf and her moved to a bigger place to stay (luxury high rise studio but still no place for our kids to stay), her bf got his dream car, and a long list of expenses and shopping sprees that kind of benefited our kids if at all in any way sprinkled in her social media accounts. She’s rocking Cartier while our kids are sportin Carters. My ex came to visit our “cute little house” to visit our kids and MIL and complimented me on my choice of home and that I was able to keep up the status quo of our home without her. I’m sure many will see the irony in this. I’m not entirely sure her motive or if I’m just reading too deep into it, but she dropped lines about how stressful and expensive their living expenses (rent, utilities, cell/internet service, and insurance) are groceries are now and how surprised it cost to feed her, her bf, and whoever the hell else comes to their home. I’m not sure why but she initially was under the impression the generational suite was meant for her use when she has the time and wants to co-parent. She is even more tired and struggling with her schedule now because she works a total of 48hrs a week and forced to work overtime at times and her bf works but I didn’t dig or care about the details. But I do care that I think she thinks I don’t notice that she takes some of our usual household staples and items with her before she left. Mainly bottles of soap she always bought for our home, Sonicare replacement brush heads and other toiletries, a new unopened bottle of the Mountain Valley water from the fridge when she visits, and I may be reading too deep into something again but sometimes I find some of the Instax pics from the fridge missing. Usually its just of the kids or MIL and the kids, but a few were of the 4 of us in the past. Although her Whiteclaw fund takes precedence over their home’s Charmin 2 ply supply, I try to be as accommodating as possible so that she can still be involved with our kids, allowing her to drop by our home whenever (if ever) she can (still work primarily from home so I’m always here) and keeping her in the loop about their activities and such. It was nice to see she was able to make it to our youngest’s first Christmas school assembly, where our eldest’s had speaking parts in the play before work. Later that week, I brought our kids to bring her a plate of food on Christmas day at the hospital because she has holidays to work. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt or that I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the stares and whispers from her co-workers while I waited for the kids to excitedly give her their presents and wish their mom a Merry Christmas. Even though she was trying to be welcoming, all I could do was say Merry Christmas and wave goodbye from the distance as we left. This past Christmas, with as many blessings I have to be thankful for, it all felt so hollow at the same time. During New Year eve, I embraced my inner Pinterest dad trying to make everything as festive and fun possible and copied ideas of doing a count down at 9PM for the kids with a balloon drop in our living room and popping some fireworks as soon as the sun set. On that note, I should mention that I re-discovered my love of cooking, something I did for years while a bachelor with my roommates and the stress of a 4- and 6-year-old insisting that they’re mini versions of Gorden Ramsey and can provide Michelin level sous chef services. With the kids tucked away and asleep, I rang in the new year with my dog and a drink. Scrolling on my phone with the sounds of fireworks popping in the distance, I saw that my ex was living her best life in her new life snap after snap after snap... So, I made a mental checklist for the end of 2024: - self-esteem – almost gone. - confidence – hanging by a thread. - ability to open and trust anyone outside of my current inner circle and dog – nonexistent. - Hatred towards my ex and her newfound life – surprisingly gone. All I could do is just laugh a little at the snap on my phone. She left me, she hurt me, but she did not destroy me. We’re now 2 different people with 2 different lives and I must move forward for the ones I owe it to. Other than the connection of our kids and some immediate family we have no more connections and I really have no interest in acting like I was in my 20’s in my 40’s and spending half my paycheck on liquor because its Tuesday and New Years Eve. Maybe I’m just boring, but I can and only want to focus on my kids and ensure that their lives and future is the best that I can provide. Ensure the people and projects I oversee stay afloat and going in this economy. And last, but not least, make sure both my mother and (ex-?) MIL are taken care of in the future moving forward. ADVICE FROM WHAT I LEARNED. To the men out there, if you’re in a similar situation, don’t give up hope. But keep in mind, actions, records, and overall proof speaks louder than your words. It’s an uphill battle, but no man has to fight it alone. Plan, Prepare, seek reputable counsel and advice, and in the end execute. As hard as it may be, stay focused and be as objective as possible in these times, and most importantly follow through with what you say and promise to your kids. To the women, stay off social media and comparing your life to others. Just kidding. The first piece of advice applies to anyone regardless of how you identify. I don’t think I’ll be updating anymore but I do plan to keep this alt just for my reddit pen pals so please feel free to say hi cause it’s nice to have new friends. I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts submitted by /u/secure-raspberry-763 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. This is more complicated because the OOP has had at least three accounts: originally u/throwRA_rorotheMIL. She then created a second account: u/Throwawaydisownedson. Most recently u/MourningMother2024. She posted in r/relationship_advice, r/AmItheAsshole and r/legaladvice. And her own page. Previous BORU here and original here. I had to take some of the comments out to fit the word count. Thanks to u/QueenieMcGee and u/SaintGodfather for the rec. To Clarify: While it is not 100% confirmed that the latest post is from the same poster, the locations are the same, writing style is the same, OOP showed up in the Am I The Devil Comments on multiple crossposts and, most damningly, the same typo for "would" (as woukd) occurs in every post. Enough people dm'ed me and enough people made the connection on the posts that I decided to make a new update. This is a LONG post Trigger Warning: pre-eclampsia, threatening suicide, psychiatric facility; TBI; death; parental death Mood Spoiler: sad and maddening New Update marked with *****\* Original Post: March 9, 2023 Title: My (F 50) Daughter in law (24F) gave birth and doesn't seem to want a relationship with me, making it difficult to have a relationship with my son (31M) and new granddaughter Hello Reddit, TLDR: I'm looking for advice on how to build a relationship with my daughter in law, and get over the rift she's causing since giving birth. My son (David, 31) has been married to my daughter in law (Bea, 24?) since September of 2020. Due to the pandemic I never really got to know her because they only dated for about a year before they got married, and I didn't know about her until they had dated for about 6 months. I love my son very much, but I feel like our relationship has been rocky since they git married. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10, and since they got together I haven't had the same relationship with her. I know this is partially because he moved out of my house (very suddenly without really saying anything I may add), and I no longer get her on his weekends. I try to get them to bring her to visit when they have her, but usually I only see her once a month or so, and lately it has felt like she has been more distant when she visits. I think this is because Bea says negative things about me around her, and I find that unfair. They just had a baby at the end of January. She was induced due to pre eclampsia and in labor for 3 days before having a c section. I had been in an accident a few weeks prior and don't have a vehicle, and my son refused to pick me up to be there for the labor at all or to see the baby in the hospital, but her parents got to see the baby and were in the parking lot the entire time. I called him while she was in labor a few times, but on the second day after her water broke I called him and heard her snap at him to get off the phone and he refused to accept any calls after that. I just wanted to know thst the three of them were okay though! She was in the hospital 2 days after the c section, and they wouldn't stop to visit me on their way home after the birth because she was hurting, even though she had pain killers she could have taken and she "didn't feel right" according to my son. This is when I became concerned she had PPD. My daughter ended up picking up her prescriptions and some groceries for them and got to see the baby that night (her and Bea have a relationship that is apparently pretty good). I was supposed to visit a couple days after they got home, but she ended up insisting something was wrong and went back to the doctor who apparently sent her to the hospital. My son told me they diagnosed her with post partum preeclampsia, but I was pretty certain that that was only something that happened during pregnancy and went away after birth so I was pretty sure he was confused. The day after they admitted her again, 5 days after the baby being born with everyone meeting her but me, was my birthday. I called her around 8 that morning to see what was really going on but she didn't answer. A while later my son called me and wished me a happy birthday and asked why I had called Bea. I admit I snapped at him and said SHE should be returning my call, because I called HER. I hung up on him and maybe 5 minutes later she called me. I told her she should have called me and that I wanted to hear her voice and hear from her what was going on since my son gets confused. I then asked her if this was a mental or physical issue, and she went silent before saying physical. I asked of she was sure, and she got kind of snippy and said they had padding on her bed because she was a seizure risk and she couldn't be alone with her newborn, so she was pretty sure. I didn't comment on her tone because I was sure she was stressed. She was released her the next day, and they came and visited me while I was at my daughters watching her two kids on their way home so I could see the baby. I offered her some pillows to sit on (my son said she "basically gave birth both ways", even though I knew this wasn't true I wondered if she had some soreness that made him think this), and she refused my hospitality saying she was fine and felt pretty good. Two weeks later my son picked me up and brought me to their home to visit. I stayed for a few hours, and she didn't really make any effort to talk to me. She was just quiet and sat on the couch. When my son took me home I asked why she was so unhospitable, and he said I had been rude while she was in the hospital. That she shouldn't have had to call me, and that I shouldn't have asked if it was a mental or physical problem because he had already told me it was physical. He also said I shouldn't have posted anything on Facebook before her about the baby being born, and that I was rude when he called to make me take it down. She doesn't post on social media very often so I didn't think it would be a big deal. He hasn't picked me up to see the baby because he says he needs to be there to help with the baby, and they won't bring the baby to me because he says the baby isn't allowed in my house. I told my son I'm planning to quit my job to babysit for them, but I haven't even gotten her return to work date and she hasn't once thanked me for doing it. Overall I feel like she's holding onto some very petty things and is using them to keep me from my son and granddaughters. I want a relationship with her, but I am missing some critical bonding time with the baby and I am going to struggle to forgive her for it. Especially over petty nonsense she won't even bring up to talk to me. I'm really wanting to send a text and lay all my feelings out for her and just hash it out, but I understand there are probably cultural differences at play with all of this too, so I could use some advice on what to say. Relevant Comment: Commenter: Lady, if you don't pull your head out of your ass, you're not going to be part of their lives at all. You're not owed nearly any of what you seem to think you are. When it comes to their baby, they don't owe you crap. Your son had two priorities when his wife was in labor. His wife and their baby. Not you. He didn't have time to come pick you up or talk to you on the phone. Have you ever heard of a taxi cab? She shouldn't have to take a pain pill just so they can stop by and see you on their way home. How incredibly selfish of you. They did the right thing and went straight home. Are you seriously questioning a doctor's diagnosis? Do you really think it's appropriate to ask her if it's physical or mental? Are you mental? You're lucky anyone called you back at all. They are tired and are learning how to care for their newborn and that is after your DIL had a complicated labor and delivery and complications after birth. No one has the emotional bandwidth to deal with your entitlement. You inconvenienced your son and had him pick you up and drive you home. Again, taxi, Uber, Lyft were better options. Then you're complaining his wife, who is exhausted and still healing was inhospitable. I'm guessing she was saying plenty to you in her head but was to polite to actually verbalize it. Do they even want you babysitting their baby? Did they actually ask this of you or did you just decree that this is what is happening? You do not post baby news on Facebook without the parents permission. You were rude and overstepping. If you want to send them a text, send them a sincere apology for being a pushy, entitled, pain in the ass and promise you'll behave better in the future. OOP: I'm a grandparent and do deserve to be in my grandchildrens life. I also deserve not to have my eldest granddaughter turned against me. Saying they owe me nothing is incorrect, and courts would agree with that. I love them both so I don't want it to come to that, but I am OWED that. If he would have came the first night before she was in real labor he wouldn't have needed to talk to me. We don't have taxi cabs, and the uber would have been well put of my budget. She refused to take any of the pain killers once discharged, period. That was selfish of her. And I had food for them too, so my son wouldn't have had to cook. It wasn't just for me to see the baby. No, I was question if my son had the right information. He's relayed wrong things before. I understand that from her perspective after reading some of the comments. However in my family it's just common to call back regardless especially after having a baby. I see it's a cultural difference. I can't uber to where they live otherwise I would be there every day! If that was an option I woukd have definitely jumped on it instead of having him pick me up, but uber isn't I their tiny town. I told my son after I heard Bea telling my daughter about her struggle to find reputable daycare without a year long wait and how she was scared for the safety of her baby. They won't have to worry if I watch her! My son just said not to post pictures. I didn't realize announcing I was a grandma again woukd be a big deal. I deleted it. I told my son I was sorry for hurting her feelings when he told me. I've always apologized to him when he's told me I've done something wrong in her eyes, whether I think it was wrong or not. I don't want to hurt her feelings ever. I want her to know she doesn't have to run to my son though, she can come to me. And I want a chance to explain myself to her. Post in Legal Advice: March 24, 2023 (2 weeks later) (post is deleted) I'm seeking advice on getting grandparent rights in Indiana. My son has two daughters with two different women. The oldest is 10, and he and her mother were never married (no custody agreement, they just have an informal agreement). The youngest is almost 2 months old, and he and her mother are married. I was under the impression that any grandparent could petition for custody/visitation in the US, but the way I'm reading it I can't unless my son is incarcerated or they aren't married? Is this correct? What do I need to do to seek joint custody of my granddaughters? What do I need to build a solid case? I've already tried resolving this without going this drastic, but his wife doesn't want to work with me. Commenters point out that she does not qualify for grandparent's rights in this scenario- she saw them at Christmas and they have to able parents: OOP: I was under the impression that grandparents rights were for when a parent is keeping a child from having a relationship with the grandparents? Visitation would be more then once every 3 months or once a month wouldn't it? I don't feel like there is much of a relationship left with any of them to torpedo. So if I sacrifice a relationship with them to have a relationship with my granddaughters that would be fine."People draw attention to her previous post and that she's angry her son moved out: I CAN'T travel to them currently - if I could I would be over there as often as I could be. I have apologized even though I don't think I was wrong. If she felt slighted by anything I said I apologized for it. Really, though, I don't think it should matter. You don't use kids as pawns. I can have a relationship with my granddaughters without her - or I should be able to. That's what I thought grandparents rights were for. To make sure parents couldn't stop an essential relationship with grandparents without a damn good reason (like abuse, drug use, etc). Also. He didn't need my permission to move. I just didn't appreciate that he gave no indication he was leaving. OOP: I have apologized for everything she felt I did wrong, against my better judgement. I don't feel like I shoukd have to continue to beg. My son says shes not preventing me from seeing them and appreciates my apologies, but I still haven't seen my grandchildren. Update Post: March 30, 2023 (3 weeks from OG post) Well, I apologized to my daughter in law for all the things my son listed. Since I had received feedback about it being my son's job to "handle" his family I told him my apologies to pass along, and then I waited. However, I got no response from Bea. No thank you, no trying to bury the hatchet, nothing. So, last Friday I made an appointment with an attorney to discuss grandparents rights and had that appointment on Tuesday. The lawyer told me I had a good chance with my older granddaughter, but would likely get no where with the baby. I filled out some paperwork to get the process started, but Tuesday night I was questioning if I was doing the right thing. I called one of my friends to discuss, and was seriously considering not moving forward with it after talking to her. Then yesterday I received this message from Bea: "[Me] this is [Bea] I just wanted to let you know that [friend] told us you're intending to go for grandparent rights, and also shared everything you've had to say about me. Let me first say that I have not once kept the either of the girls from you, and I certainly have not kept [son] from you. He is a grown ass man, and if he wanted to talk to you he was free to. You have not asked to come over and visit since [son] picked you up - you cannot expect us to 1- read your mind or 2 - drop everything and come pick you up. We have a new baby, and we have our own lives. I also have not said a word to you about what happened during delivery/postpartum, because I have no energy to argue with you. [Son] said you apologized, and I told him I appreciated it (even though it was NOT a real apology. You apologize for what you did to hurt my feelings, not that my feelings were hurt). I don't have time for your drama. For the record, though, what you said was absolutely disgusting. I almost died - it had nothing to do with my mental health. Since you have decided to go for grandparents rights, we will have no direct contact with you. All contact will need to go through our lawyer. You have been removed from my Facebook. You are not permitted to post any pictures you have been sent of my child on social media, and [older granddaughters mom] feels the same way regarding [older granddaughter]. We intend to have something written up by our and sent to you by the end of the week regarding this, and ceasing contact with us. I assume we will be servered with your visitation paperwork this week as well. You will get no pictures or phone calls going forward. In fact, you will be blocked. I also hope you realize you will absolutely lose this case. Your house is not suitable to live in, and you would have to be able to pass a drug test. When you lose, we will not resume contact with you. You lost your chance at being apart of our kids lives by deciding to go to the most nuclear option instead of just communicating with us." I tried to respond to her and tell her that I didn't want to go through with it anymore and I reacted pit of anger, but she wouldn't answer texts or calls - so I assume I really am blocked. I called my son to tell him about the text she sent, and he said he knew about it and it was a lot nicer then what he wanted to send me. So, that's where I'm at at this point. I'm going to show my lawyer the text so that it can show how unwilling to forgive and to work with me she is, and hopefully it will resolve quickly so I can at least get visitation rights with my oldest granddaughter. Edit to add: I dont appreciate the nasty messages I have received or the barrage of nasty comments. I admit I made a mistake, but now this is my only option. It's clear that most of the responses from reddit are from those of young people not from my generation, as I have gotten different responses in other online support groups from people my own age who are also grandparents, many from my own culture. Some Comments: Drug test? "She says that I would have to pass a drug test. I use medical marijuana to help with a chronic illness, but it is still illegal where I live." "I am quitting entirely since this is a possibility [getting in trouble]."Why tf is your daughter a better mother?"Because they need to have better cultural examples. For instance, the oldest mother is also not from our culture/race, and her hair is very different from her daughters. She has no idea how to take care of her hair! It's always a mess. My daughter in law has taken some initiative in doing and styling her hair, but she's still not great at it. The girls need someone who can teach them how to handle basic things like taking care of their skin and hair. Oldest hair has been something I have encouraged them to let me handle long before daughter in law came into the picture. Not taking care of a child's hair is a form of neglect. My daughter knows how to do those things because her hair and skin are much closer to theirs and she can handle it with her own children."One last gem: I dont feel I deserve to be treated better, but equal. We are both equally important in my son's life. She is obviously more important in her daughters life right now, but without me that baby wouldn't be here. I would drop the grandparents rights case if I wasn't cut off - I reacted out of anger and desperation, but now it's the only option since I'm cut off." A few people pointed out there is a post that seems like it is from the daughter's perspective on , but OOP of that post has requested it not be re-shared. It has also been deleted. However, some highlights include: MIL threatens suicide because "they turned the whole family against her and won't let her see her granddaughters." Is placed in psychiatric care for 72 hours and released. MIL called CPS and said they were starving and neglecting their infant. CPS had to show up. MIL also says OOP is holding her husband hostage and police show up Thankfully the police and CPS see there is nothing wrong and all charges are dropped OOP states she and husband are going to try to move Second Account Post: May 22, 2023 (2.5 months from OG Post) Title: AITA for removing my son from my will after our relationship ended? I really don’t think I’m wrong, but I just need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I (F 50s) have a son (David, 30s) who is married to Bea, 20’s. They have a daughter who is 4 months old, and my son has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10. Bea & I had a falling out after their baby was born, and my son and granddaughters got caught in the crossfire. The falling out happened in March, and I know I did and said things I wasn’t proud of, and although she hasn’t apologized I’m sure she feels the same way. It would be too long to go over the history, but at the most extreme point I did consult a lawyer for grandparent rights. During this time, my son had no contact with me, but when I dropped the grandparents rights case I asked for things to go back to normal. My son expressed that he wanted things to go back to normal, but that a lot of damage had been done and he really didn’t know if we could go back to normal. For Mother's Day, my daughter decided to take me out to dinner, and she begged David to go and bring the baby (oldest was with mom). David eventually did agree on the condition it wasn’t on mothers day, and He, the baby, and Bea came. Bea was quiet most of dinner, but did talk to my daughter a few times – I guess they have a pretty good relationship. Bea held the baby the entire time, and wouldn’t let me hold or take pictures (part of the falling out was over pictures and Facebook, so I found this to be petty). Overall, I would have called dinner a success. At the end I hugged my son and told him I was proud of him for putting his foot down and coming to dinner with his daughter, and that I hoped he could continue to do that. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. My son called me later that night and told me that he couldn’t continue to have a relationship with me. He said that Bea was their child's mother, and he wouldn’t ever bring the baby anywhere without her blessing. I was drunk when he called because I have had a hard time coping, and I admit I lost it a little bit on the phone call and told him it was despicable that he couldn’t man up to his wife, and that he should have come to see me on mothers day because I am his mother. He ended up hanging up on me. I called the next day and profusely apologized to him. I know it was wrong of me to have said what I did, and I told him I want a relationship with him. He told me he couldn’t do this with me anymore. I have been heartbroken ever since, but I understand I guess. I called him last night and told him that I wouldn’t be contacting him or his wife anymore ever, and that I respected that we wouldn’t have a relationship. I also let him know I would be taking him off as my power of attorney and out of my will so he never had to be bothered with anything from me again. I don’t have much anyways. He got mad at me and called me a sorry excuse of a mother, and now my daughter is saying I’m manipulative. I really don’t understand how I was wrong in giving him what he wants." Relevant Comments: [editor's note: People figure out pretty quickly that she is the same woman as the other posts. The scenarios, ages and the way she often spells would with a "k" as a mistype. That and her overall tone.] You need therapy: "I have been in therapy to help deal with this trauma. I've been told that I need to respect his boundaries so this feels like I am. Why would i want someone who doesn't care about me making medical decisions for me? He's also expressed I'm a hoarder and I don't have money so I don't know why he would want to be bothered with stuff in a will." Someone links the DIL's post (again, OOP of that requested that it not be re-shared so I will not be posting it here) and asks if she really threatened to commit suicide if she didn't see the baby: "No, I said I wanted to kill myself because I felt like I had no one. While I was on a hold for 72 hours and received treatment I got set up with my therapist to help deal with some of the trauma both from what's happening now and past issues." "I had a psychotic break. This is one of the actions I truly regret." Update Post to AITA: May 24, 2023 AITA woukdnt let me post an update due my post being "violent" so here we are. after someone posted a link to what i believe is my daughter-in-laws reddit posts and i read some of the verbal beatings i got i did some more reflection. i feel like her perspective of events really helped shift my view. i do want to point out there are several people who told me i was not wrong and that this younger generation has a poor view of family values. i really believe i was judged so harshly because there are so few parents\grandparents on reddit. i went to my son and dils house but it was mostly empty. i was afraid of this after reading her post and some of the comments. i found the listing and its been posted for almost a week and is currently pending but i cant find where they moved to and all the photos are of the house mostly empty. i suspect they bought it under an llc so i am currently trying to figure out how to find out the name of the llc and then find the house. i talked to one of their neighbors and they said they moved most of their stuff out around the beginning of may so my son kept this from me for quite a while and didnt even bother to mention it at dinner. i had a meeting with my therapist to help me through this but im still a wreck. my son has just disappeared. i know everyone here is looking through my small 3000 character limited posts and my dils long gripes about me but my son woukdnt do this on his own. his wife is absolutely manipulative but it doesnt change the fact i handled this all wrong and drove him further away. if i woukd have just sought out a relationship with my son ang granddaughters without b i dont think i woukd be here. i should have just played nice. one commentor said it when they asked me “do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your son and granddaughter?” and i choose wrong. my therapist told me to give myself some healing time before pursuing anything but for now my plan is to just save some money and hire a private investigator to find my son and then rebuild my relationship and his trust so we can work to get him out from under her. again i recognize i was wrong in some of this. i recognize i was overly demanding and critical – i was wrong in some of this. but i didnt deserve this. people who use kids and grandkids as pawns are evil. i will probably continue to seek advice but it certainly wont be from this account. and to whoever linked my other posts from my other account and told my dil about this screw you. Comment from OOP after crossposted to "screw everyone here. i am far from being a devil. i am not evil. the person who is evil is the one who took my family completely away from me. my dil has completely manipulated my son. ill admit i was far from perfect but i dont deserve what you people are saying about me. i hope one day you guys feel what it's like to lose your child and grandchild to a manipulative person who just wants to cut their family off." May 24, 2023 (Same Day as previous post, before deletion of 2nd account, now deleted) https://old.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/13qkug9/squatters_rights_in_indiana/ "I am currently in the process of moving and have moved all of my things out of my old house and into my newly purchased home leaving my old home empty until it sells. I had a neighbor that had a squatter issue a few years back and I'm concerned that with my house being empty someone will break in and try to claim squatters rights. Is this possible in Indiana and would it stop the sale of the house?" *****New Update Post: October 3, 2024 (1 year, 5 months later, 1 year 7 months from OG post)****\* Title: Can I sue to get my sons ashes? My son passed away earlier this year. we had a really rocky relationship over the last year or so which was mainly caused by his wife. they separated after he had a work related accident that caused a TBI and had lasting effects on his personality and she basically decided she coukdnt do it and told him to get lost. they were separated when he passed away but I dont know if divorce had been officially filed for. they had two children together supposedly and he has an older daughter from a previous relationship. When I received the news of his death I was able to see him before she had him cremated and I requested some of his ashes from the funeral home but my wishes were not honored and I didnt want him creameated either but obviously that wish was not honored either. I have reached out about a number of things including his ashes and some belongings and she is not willing to part with any of it even though they were separated. she claims that they should go to his supposed children along with all life insurance policies he had and his work settlement. I say supposed children because I have reason to believe her children are not his. Can I sue for his ashes and belongings? is there a way to have a paternity test done so that way his belongings and ashes can go to his sister and I if we are the only living relatives? i dont understand why she woukd get them if they were separated and she abandoned him and i feel like his actual living relatives woukd be entitled to everything. I am in indiana but they were located in vermont. Some of OOP's Comments (all downvoted): Commenter: If the breakdown was his wife's fault, why did he not reach out once separated? How do you know they were separated, and how long was it for? OOP: He did reach out before they were separated after his injury. his injury made him be able to stand up to her finally. i know they wont replace my son but i would still like some things to remember him by. i will not be able to have a relationship with her or the kids if they are even his because she nuked our relationship after giving birth to her oldest and did the same for me and his other daughters mom. Commenter: The way you talk about your 'supposed' grandchildren really doesn't sit right with me. Makes me think like you were to blame for the falling out, not her. If the 'supposed' children were good enough for your son, that should be enough for you to treat them as such regardless of how you feel. Also, he's left children. That money will help with them. I want to feel sorry for you as you have lost your son and I can't even begin to fathom that. But you just give out mean girl energy. OOP: I cant treat them any way because their mother wont let me around them and have convinced oldest mother as well. she has gotten everything including the last time with him and stole a year and a half of his life from me and she abandoned him. Commenter: I’m beginning to see why she doesn’t want you anywhere near her kids… OOP: Because its alot easier to just only have her family in her life and she is selfish and evil and decided to tear my family apart over a personality clash and petty trivial things Commenter: "Supposed kids" you mean your GRANDCHILDREN? this posts screams you just are about the money. OOP: I dont just want money i just dont think it shoukd go to her. i woukd like some of his things because i woukd like somethings to remember him bu. he built things i woukd like to remember and have and things he got from my mother i woukd like back. I have reason to believe they arent his kids To a deleted commenter: Thank you for commenting. his beneficiaries just automatically get everything? His wife made us estranged and I blame her for him being dead and I just dont think its fair she gets everything after leaving my son because of his disability including the settlement money from his job when they finish settling. He died alone in a hotel because she woukdnt take care of him and was punishing him for talking to me after his injury made him stand up to her. Edit to the post: How nice of you all to make fun of skmeone who has lost their child. you all need to take a hard look in the mirror at who the devil is here. i have been shut down at every turn for the last year and half to have a relationship with my son and his children and now a part of me is dead. i am grieving everything and trying trying to be able to get a piece of my son so i have SOMETHING to feel close to him. disgusting of you all. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Edit 2: again I want to thank everyone for all the support. I did see some repeated comments I wanted to address. First through the comments y'all've made me realize that I am projecting my own thoughts about the situation & stress on to him thinking I'm going to traumatize him by saying we can't afford it. & By traumatize I mean make him feel food insecurity.. but as I said he'll always eat before us he'll never be hungry. He just may not be happy with the options. I do believe in giving some explanation just because I know it's what I'd want & he takes disappointment better when the reason is given, however I love & I'm going to implement the "no that's a special treat & special treats aren't in budget" along with involving him in the grocery list & coming up with some cheaper homemade versions of what he wants & having him help with the cooking. 2nd as far as the school goes I'm a substitute teacher for the district. We're in the US & I'm not sure if every state is the same.. but we go to a title one public school. Which basically means most of the kids are coming from poverty. The entire district no matter who gets free breakfast & lunch. The reason it's set up to line up the way it is is because they give 2 options for lunch. For example today was chicken Alfredo or ham & cheese sandwich.the kids pick what they want first thing in the morning & then send it to the cafeteria so they know how many of each to prepare. At lunch they line up lunch boxes, the option 1 first then option 2, that way the cafeteria workers aren't slowing down to change what they're doing fixing trays & such. One entire grade goes at the same time. So one teacher will watch & help the kids with lunch boxes, one teacher will watch the kids waiting in line & the 3rd teacher will watch the kids getting their trays and the kids taking it to the table. It's efficient & that's why it's done that way. It's not a single out the poor kid getting a free lunch type deal. Edit: wow I didn't expect this big of a response. Thank all of y'all you've been very helpful & supportive. I've been trying my best to reply, but I probably won't reply anymore till tomorrow. Again thank you so much We're broke. Money's tight. My son has been asking to bring lunch to school. His reasoning is because lunchboxes line up first. The school provides free lunch & breakfast. We don't really have the money to send a lunch box. We make sure he has enough food. He eats before me or my husband. We've also been making lots of food from scratch & there's been days he's gotten upset because he doesn't want that he wants chicken nuggets or pizza... Id like to include him in grocery shopping, but right now we're using the food pantry & when we do go grocery shopping when I take him with me he's wanting stuff like those little bags of muffins, chicken nuggets, pizza, & I just can't afford it.... Any suggestions please I don't want to traumatize him with the truth that we can't afford it but I need him to know he'll always be fed even if it's not exactly what he wants submitted by /u/Spirited-Activity343 to r/NoStupidQuestions [link] [comments]

We're a one income family. We have a 10yo and baby who's under a year old. I don't/can't work due to health/chronic pain issues. My husband works full time usually 35-40 hours a week. When I cook dinner, I make enough so my husband has leftovers to take to work the next day. He has the habit of eating what's supposed to be his lunch as a large night time snack before bed. We have plenty of stuff he can snack on or heat up that's not his lunch for the next day. Then he ends up eating out instead and he hates fast food so he spends $20-$25 on lunch each day he eats his lunch as a snack. This adds up and makes money tighter for us. I get its his income but it's affecting the entire family. I've asked him to not eat his lunch as a snack but he says he loves my cooking and can't help it and I should feel complimented he enjoys it so much. I do appreciate he likes what I cook so much, but I also like knowing our bills will all be paid and we can afford gas, groceries, household supplies, and stuff for the kids without being in the red each week. AITA? Edit: if I make more for dinner he will have 3rd/4th helpings. I do the grocery shopping and try to get everything I can on his snack list, he will still eat his lunch as a snack. Hubby is a recovering gambling addict and currently owes $100k in back taxes that I'm trying to also budget to pay towards each month. He currently works in retail making around $40k a year. He has a masters in economics and used to make $200k+ but some bad decisions in life messed that up and he ended up in legal trouble and can no longer work in his former industry. submitted by /u/Ok-Raspberry6112 to r/AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]

I am not the Original Poster. That was u/throwRA_rorotheMIL. She then created a second account: u/Throwawaydisownedson. She posted in r/relationship_advice, r/AmItheAsshole and r/legaladvice. And her own page. I had changed letters to names in the previous BORU post here. I used those same names in her update posts for clarity. Trigger Warning: pre-eclampsia, threatening suicide, psychiatric facility Mood Spoiler: maddening and wtf New Updates are marked with *****\* Original Post: March 9, 2023 Title: My (F 50) Daughter in law (24F) gave birth and doesn't seem to want a relationship with me, making it difficult to have a relationship with my son (31M) and new granddaughter Hello Reddit, TLDR: I'm looking for advice on how to build a relationship with my daughter in law, and get over the rift she's causing since giving birth. My son (David, 31) has been married to my daughter in law (Bea, 24?) since September of 2020. Due to the pandemic I never really got to know her because they only dated for about a year before they got married, and I didn't know about her until they had dated for about 6 months. I love my son very much, but I feel like our relationship has been rocky since they git married. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10, and since they got together I haven't had the same relationship with her. I know this is partially because he moved out of my house (very suddenly without really saying anything I may add), and I no longer get her on his weekends. I try to get them to bring her to visit when they have her, but usually I only see her once a month or so, and lately it has felt like she has been more distant when she visits. I think this is because Bea says negative things about me around her, and I find that unfair. They just had a baby at the end of January. She was induced due to pre eclampsia and in labor for 3 days before having a c section. I had been in an accident a few weeks prior and don't have a vehicle, and my son refused to pick me up to be there for the labor at all or to see the baby in the hospital, but her parents got to see the baby and were in the parking lot the entire time. I called him while she was in labor a few times, but on the second day after her water broke I called him and heard her snap at him to get off the phone and he refused to accept any calls after that. I just wanted to know thst the three of them were okay though! She was in the hospital 2 days after the c section, and they wouldn't stop to visit me on their way home after the birth because she was hurting, even though she had pain killers she could have taken and she "didn't feel right" according to my son. This is when I became concerned she had PPD. My daughter ended up picking up her prescriptions and some groceries for them and got to see the baby that night (her and Bea have a relationship that is apparently pretty good). I was supposed to visit a couple days after they got home, but she ended up insisting something was wrong and went back to the doctor who apparently sent her to the hospital. My son told me they diagnosed her with post partum preeclampsia, but I was pretty certain that that was only something that happened during pregnancy and went away after birth so I was pretty sure he was confused. The day after they admitted her again, 5 days after the baby being born with everyone meeting her but me, was my birthday. I called her around 8 that morning to see what was really going on but she didn't answer. A while later my son called me and wished me a happy birthday and asked why I had called Bea. I admit I snapped at him and said SHE should be returning my call, because I called HER. I hung up on him and maybe 5 minutes later she called me. I told her she should have called me and that I wanted to hear her voice and hear from her what was going on since my son gets confused. I then asked her if this was a mental or physical issue, and she went silent before saying physical. I asked of she was sure, and she got kind of snippy and said they had padding on her bed because she was a seizure risk and she couldn't be alone with her newborn, so she was pretty sure. I didn't comment on her tone because I was sure she was stressed. She was released her the next day, and they came and visited me while I was at my daughters watching her two kids on their way home so I could see the baby. I offered her some pillows to sit on (my son said she "basically gave birth both ways", even though I knew this wasn't true I wondered if she had some soreness that made him think this), and she refused my hospitality saying she was fine and felt pretty good. Two weeks later my son picked me up and brought me to their home to visit. I stayed for a few hours, and she didn't really make any effort to talk to me. She was just quiet and sat on the couch. When my son took me home I asked why she was so unhospitable, and he said I had been rude while she was in the hospital. That she shouldn't have had to call me, and that I shouldn't have asked if it was a mental or physical problem because he had already told me it was physical. He also said I shouldn't have posted anything on Facebook before her about the baby being born, and that I was rude when he called to make me take it down. She doesn't post on social media very often so I didn't think it would be a big deal. He hasn't picked me up to see the baby because he says he needs to be there to help with the baby, and they won't bring the baby to me because he says the baby isn't allowed in my house. I told my son I'm planning to quit my job to babysit for them, but I haven't even gotten her return to work date and she hasn't once thanked me for doing it. Overall I feel like she's holding onto some very petty things and is using them to keep me from my son and granddaughters. I want a relationship with her, but I am missing some critical bonding time with the baby and I am going to struggle to forgive her for it. Especially over petty nonsense she won't even bring up to talk to me. I'm really wanting to send a text and lay all my feelings out for her and just hash it out, but I understand there are probably cultural differences at play with all of this too, so I could use some advice on what to say. Relevant Comment: (I took out some from my original BORU Post for length.) Commenter: Lady, if you don't pull your head out of your ass, you're not going to be part of their lives at all. You're not owed nearly any of what you seem to think you are. When it comes to their baby, they don't owe you crap. Your son had two priorities when his wife was in labor. His wife and their baby. Not you. He didn't have time to come pick you up or talk to you on the phone. Have you ever heard of a taxi cab? She shouldn't have to take a pain pill just so they can stop by and see you on their way home. How incredibly selfish of you. They did the right thing and went straight home. Are you seriously questioning a doctor's diagnosis? Do you really think it's appropriate to ask her if it's physical or mental? Are you mental? You're lucky anyone called you back at all. They are tired and are learning how to care for their newborn and that is after your DIL had a complicated labor and delivery and complications after birth. No one has the emotional bandwidth to deal with your entitlement. You inconvenienced your son and had him pick you up and drive you home. Again, taxi, Uber, Lyft were better options. Then you're complaining his wife, who is exhausted and still healing was inhospitable. I'm guessing she was saying plenty to you in her head but was to polite to actually verbalize it. Do they even want you babysitting their baby? Did they actually ask this of you or did you just decree that this is what is happening? You do not post baby news on Facebook without the parents permission. You were rude and overstepping. If you want to send them a text, send them a sincere apology for being a pushy, entitled, pain in the ass and promise you'll behave better in the future. OOP's response: I'm a grandparent and do deserve to be in my grandchildrens life. I also deserve not to have my eldest granddaughter turned against me. Saying they owe me nothing is incorrect, and courts would agree with that. I love them both so I don't want it to come to that, but I am OWED that. If he would have came the first night before she was in real labor he wouldn't have needed to talk to me. We don't have taxi cabs, and the uber would have been well put of my budget. She refused to take any of the pain killers once discharged, period. That was selfish of her. And I had food for them too, so my son wouldn't have had to cook. It wasn't just for me to see the baby. No, I was question if my son had the right information. He's relayed wrong things before. I understand that from her perspective after reading some of the comments. However in my family it's just common to call back regardless especially after having a baby. I see it's a cultural difference. I can't uber to where they live otherwise I would be there every day! If that was an option I woukd have definitely jumped on it instead of having him pick me up, but uber isn't I their tiny town. I told my son after I heard Bea telling my daughter about her struggle to find reputable daycare without a year long wait and how she was scared for the safety of her baby. They won't have to worry if I watch her! My son just said not to post pictures. I didn't realize announcing I was a grandma again woukd be a big deal. I deleted it. I told my son I was sorry for hurting her feelings when he told me. I've always apologized to him when he's told me I've done something wrong in her eyes, whether I think it was wrong or not. I don't want to hurt her feelings ever. I want her to know she doesn't have to run to my son though, she can come to me. And I want a chance to explain myself to her. Post in Legal Advice: March 24, 2023 (2 weeks later) (post is deleted) I'm seeking advice on getting grandparent rights in Indiana. My son has two daughters with two different women. The oldest is 10, and he and her mother were never married (no custody agreement, they just have an informal agreement). The youngest is almost 2 months old, and he and her mother are married. I was under the impression that any grandparent could petition for custody/visitation in the US, but the way I'm reading it I can't unless my son is incarcerated or they aren't married? Is this correct? What do I need to do to seek joint custody of my granddaughters? What do I need to build a solid case? I've already tried resolving this without going this drastic, but his wife doesn't want to work with me. Commenters point out that she does not qualify for grandparent's rights in this scenario- she saw them at Christmas and they have to able parents: I was under the impression that grandparents rights were for when a parent is keeping a child from having a relationship with the grandparents? Visitation would be more then once every 3 months or once a month wouldn't it? I don't feel like there is much of a relationship left with any of them to torpedo. So if I sacrifice a relationship with them to have a relationship with my granddaughters that would be fine."People draw attention to her previous post and that she's angry her son moved out: I CAN'T travel to them currently - if I could I would be over there as often as I could be. I have apologized even though I don't think I was wrong. If she felt slighted by anything I said I apologized for it. Really, though, I don't think it should matter. You don't use kids as pawns. I can have a relationship with my granddaughters without her - or I should be able to. That's what I thought grandparents rights were for. To make sure parents couldn't stop an essential relationship with grandparents without a damn good reason (like abuse, drug use, etc). Also. He didn't need my permission to move. I just didn't appreciate that he gave no indication he was leaving. "I have apologized for everything she felt I did wrong, against my better judgement. I don't feel like I shoukd have to continue to beg. My son says shes not preventing me from seeing them and appreciates my apologies, but I still haven't seen my grandchildren." Update Post: March 30, 2023 (3 weeks from OG post) Well, I apologized to my daughter in law for all the things my son listed. Since I had received feedback about it being my son's job to "handle" his family I told him my apologies to pass along, and then I waited. However, I got no response from Bea. No thank you, no trying to bury the hatchet, nothing. So, last Friday I made an appointment with an attorney to discuss grandparents rights and had that appointment on Tuesday. The lawyer told me I had a good chance with my older granddaughter, but would likely get no where with the baby. I filled out some paperwork to get the process started, but Tuesday night I was questioning if I was doing the right thing. I called one of my friends to discuss, and was seriously considering not moving forward with it after talking to her. Then yesterday I received this message from Bea: "[Me] this is [Bea] I just wanted to let you know that [friend] told us you're intending to go for grandparent rights, and also shared everything you've had to say about me. Let me first say that I have not once kept the either of the girls from you, and I certainly have not kept [son] from you. He is a grown ass man, and if he wanted to talk to you he was free to. You have not asked to come over and visit since [son] picked you up - you cannot expect us to 1- read your mind or 2 - drop everything and come pick you up. We have a new baby, and we have our own lives. I also have not said a word to you about what happened during delivery/postpartum, because I have no energy to argue with you. [Son] said you apologized, and I told him I appreciated it (even though it was NOT a real apology. You apologize for what you did to hurt my feelings, not that my feelings were hurt). I don't have time for your drama. For the record, though, what you said was absolutely disgusting. I almost died - it had nothing to do with my mental health. Since you have decided to go for grandparents rights, we will have no direct contact with you. All contact will need to go through our lawyer. You have been removed from my Facebook. You are not permitted to post any pictures you have been sent of my child on social media, and [older granddaughters mom] feels the same way regarding [older granddaughter]. We intend to have something written up by our and sent to you by the end of the week regarding this, and ceasing contact with us. I assume we will be servered with your visitation paperwork this week as well. You will get no pictures or phone calls going forward. In fact, you will be blocked. I also hope you realize you will absolutely lose this case. Your house is not suitable to live in, and you would have to be able to pass a drug test. When you lose, we will not resume contact with you. You lost your chance at being apart of our kids lives by deciding to go to the most nuclear option instead of just communicating with us." I tried to respond to her and tell her that I didn't want to go through with it anymore and I reacted pit of anger, but she wouldn't answer texts or calls - so I assume I really am blocked. I called my son to tell him about the text she sent, and he said he knew about it and it was a lot nicer then what he wanted to send me. So, that's where I'm at at this point. I'm going to show my lawyer the text so that it can show how unwilling to forgive and to work with me she is, and hopefully it will resolve quickly so I can at least get visitation rights with my oldest granddaughter. Edit to add: I dont appreciate the nasty messages I have received or the barrage of nasty comments. I admit I made a mistake, but now this is my only option. It's clear that most of the responses from reddit are from those of young people not from my generation, as I have gotten different responses in other online support groups from people my own age who are also grandparents, many from my own culture. Relevant Comments: (I again removed some that were in my OG BORU post) Ummm the drug test? "She says that I would have to pass a drug test. I use medical marijuana to help with a chronic illness, but it is still illegal where I live." "I am quitting entirely since this is a possibility [getting in trouble]."Why tf is your daughter a better mother?"Because they need to have better cultural examples. For instance, the oldest mother is also not from our culture/race, and her hair is very different from her daughters. She has no idea how to take care of her hair! It's always a mess. My daughter in law has taken some initiative in doing and styling her hair, but she's still not great at it. The girls need someone who can teach them how to handle basic things like taking care of their skin and hair. Oldest hair has been something I have encouraged them to let me handle long before daughter in law came into the picture. Not taking care of a child's hair is a form of neglect. My daughter knows how to do those things because her hair and skin are much closer to theirs and she can handle it with her own children."One last gem: I dont feel I deserve to be treated better, but equal. We are both equally important in my son's life. She is obviously more important in her daughters life right now, but without me that baby wouldn't be here. I would drop the grandparents rights case if I wasn't cut off - I reacted out of anger and desperation, but now it's the only option since I'm cut off." A few people pointed out there is a post that seems like it is from the daughter's perspective on a different sub, but OOP of that post has requested it not be re-shared. It has also been deleted. However, some highlights include: MIL threatens suicide because "they turned the whole family against her and won't let her see her granddaughters." Is placed in psychiatric care for 72 hours and released. MIL called CPS and said they were starving and neglecting their infant. CPS had to show up. MIL also says OOP is holding her husband hostage and police show up Thankfully the police and CPS see there is nothing wrong and all charges are dropped OOP states she and husband are going to try to move ******NEW Post: May 22, 2023 (2.5 months from OG Post. New Username)****\* Title: AITA for removing my son from my will after our relationship ended? I really don’t think I’m wrong, but I just need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I (F 50s) have a son (David, 30s) who is married to Bea, 20’s. They have a daughter who is 4 months old, and my son has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10. Bea & I had a falling out after their baby was born, and my son and granddaughters got caught in the crossfire. The falling out happened in March, and I know I did and said things I wasn’t proud of, and although she hasn’t apologized I’m sure she feels the same way. It would be too long to go over the history, but at the most extreme point I did consult a lawyer for grandparent rights. During this time, my son had no contact with me, but when I dropped the grandparents rights case I asked for things to go back to normal. My son expressed that he wanted things to go back to normal, but that a lot of damage had been done and he really didn’t know if we could go back to normal. For Mother's Day, my daughter decided to take me out to dinner, and she begged David to go and bring the baby (oldest was with mom). David eventually did agree on the condition it wasn’t on mothers day, and He, the baby, and Bea came. Bea was quiet most of dinner, but did talk to my daughter a few times – I guess they have a pretty good relationship. Bea held the baby the entire time, and wouldn’t let me hold or take pictures (part of the falling out was over pictures and Facebook, so I found this to be petty). Overall, I would have called dinner a success. At the end I hugged my son and told him I was proud of him for putting his foot down and coming to dinner with his daughter, and that I hoped he could continue to do that. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. My son called me later that night and told me that he couldn’t continue to have a relationship with me. He said that Bea was their child's mother, and he wouldn’t ever bring the baby anywhere without her blessing. I was drunk when he called because I have had a hard time coping, and I admit I lost it a little bit on the phone call and told him it was despicable that he couldn’t man up to his wife, and that he should have come to see me on mothers day because I am his mother. He ended up hanging up on me. I called the next day and profusely apologized to him. I know it was wrong of me to have said what I did, and I told him I want a relationship with him. He told me he couldn’t do this with me anymore. I have been heartbroken ever since, but I understand I guess. I called him last night and told him that I wouldn’t be contacting him or his wife anymore ever, and that I respected that we wouldn’t have a relationship. I also let him know I would be taking him off as my power of attorney and out of my will so he never had to be bothered with anything from me again. I don’t have much anyways. He got mad at me and called me a sorry excuse of a mother, and now my daughter is saying I’m manipulative. I really don’t understand how I was wrong in giving him what he wants." Relevant Comments: People figure out pretty quickly that she is the same woman as the other posts. The scenarios, ages and the way she often spells would with a "k" as a mistype. That and her overall tone. You need therapy: "I have been in therapy to help deal with this trauma. I've been told that I need to respect his boundaries so this feels like I am. Why would i want someone who doesn't care about me making medical decisions for me? He's also expressed I'm a hoarder and I don't have money so I don't know why he would want to be bothered with stuff in a will." Someone links the DIL's post (again, OOP of that requested that it not be re-shared so I will not be posting it here) and asks if she really threatened to commit suicide if she didn't see the baby: "No, I said I wanted to kill myself because I felt like I had no one. While I was on a hold for 72 hours and received treatment I got set up with my therapist to help deal with some of the trauma both from what's happening now and past issues." "I had a psychotic break. This is one of the actions I truly regret." Update Post to AITA: May 24, 2023 AITA woukdnt let me post an update due my post being "violent" so here we are. after someone posted a link to what i believe is my daughter-in-laws reddit posts and i read some of the verbal beatings i got i did some more reflection. i feel like her perspective of events really helped shift my view. i do want to point out there are several people who told me i was not wrong and that this younger generation has a poor view of family values. i really believe i was judged so harshly because there are so few parents\grandparents on reddit. i went to my son and dils house but it was mostly empty. i was afraid of this after reading her post and some of the comments. i found the listing and its been posted for almost a week and is currently pending but i cant find where they moved to and all the photos are of the house mostly empty. i suspect they bought it under an llc so i am currently trying to figure out how to find out the name of the llc and then find the house. i talked to one of their neighbors and they said they moved most of their stuff out around the beginning of may so my son kept this from me for quite a while and didnt even bother to mention it at dinner. i had a meeting with my therapist to help me through this but im still a wreck. my son has just disappeared. i know everyone here is looking through my small 3000 character limited posts and my dils long gripes about me but my son woukdnt do this on his own. his wife is absolutely manipulative but it doesnt change the fact i handled this all wrong and drove him further away. if i woukd have just sought out a relationship with my son ang granddaughters without b i dont think i woukd be here. i should have just played nice. one commentor said it when they asked me “do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your son and granddaughter?” and i choose wrong. my therapist told me to give myself some healing time before pursuing anything but for now my plan is to just save some money and hire a private investigator to find my son and then rebuild my relationship and his trust so we can work to get him out from under her. again i recognize i was wrong in some of this. i recognize i was overly demanding and critical – i was wrong in some of this. but i didnt deserve this. people who use kids and grandkids as pawns are evil. i will probably continue to seek advice but it certainly wont be from this account. and to whoever linked my other posts from my other account and told my dil about this screw you. Edit- One more comment from OOP when her post was crossposted to r/AmITheDevil "screw everyone here. i am far from being a devil. i am not evil. the person who is evil is the one who took my family completely away from me. my dil has completely manipulated my son. ill admit i was far from perfect but i dont deserve what you people are saying about me. i hope one day you guys feel what it's like to lose your child and grandchild to a manipulative person who just wants to cut their family off." Edit 2: Thanks to u/adaptablekey for finding this She also posted this in the 'legaladvice' sub, before she deleted her account. https://old.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/13qkug9/squatters_rights_in_indiana/ "I am currently in the process of moving and have moved all of my things out of my old house and into my newly purchased home leaving my old home empty until it sells. I had a neighbor that had a squatter issue a few years back and I'm concerned that with my house being empty someone will break in and try to claim squatters rights. Is this possible in Indiana and would it stop the sale of the house?" Edit- A reminder that it is against the rules of this sub (and reddit) to comment on the Original Posts or dm OOP. Edit 4- OOP has now deleted her second account. Editor's Note: Updated BORU 1 year later here submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

My [29] husband [36] is the breadwinner of the family. I stay home with the kids who are preschool age. He pays for the mortgage, bills, household needs, food, kids needs.....etc he has set a monthly budget for each category and handles getting everything done. Recently, he has become overwhelmed and told me to handle grocery shopping but before he let me, he asked me to write a list of all the stuff we need so he could calculate the total and also so he'd have an idea how much I'll be spending when I take his credit card. I didn't have an issue with that because this way we'd watch our spending habits. however, he said I'm never allowed to get something that isn't on the list unless I'm paying for it some other way. On friday I was doing some grocery shopping as usual and saw that the store had some nice shoes on sale. the price was insanly low for this brand and so I decided to grab a pair for my husband thinking he'd be happy with them since he needed new sneakers anyway. I bought them and when I showed them to him he flipped out on me saying I made a huge mistake by buying something that was not on the list. I agreed with him but I thought that since the shoes were for him then it'd be different, he said I screwed up and shouldn't have bought those sneakers without even telling him. but in my defense I said that the price was low so it's not like I spent $100 on shoes, and also I saw this as a great deal and wanted him to have those nice sneakers. He plainly said that what I did is considered "stealing" since he never consented to have those sneakers purchased and said that I'm being irresponsible with money that is why I no longer have an income and my spending habits need a "grib". I felt hurt by what he said. We argued about it for hours and he avoided speaking to me the rest of the day. The next day I went and returned the sneakers and took the money back. He got home in the evening and lost it when he found out I returned them. He said he couldn't believe how petty and childish I was to do actually do this. I explained I was just correcting my "mistake". he tried to contact the store and was told the sneakers were already sold. He got even angrier with me but I told him that he accused me of stealing for him when I was just trying to do a nice gesture for him, He yelled that I had a lot of nerve calling what I did "nice gesture" while using his money to do it. I told him he had no right to yell at me after I corrected my "mistake" and gave back the money he accused me of stealing. He threw a fit then went out with his friends and came home late at night still not talking to me. Did I mess up? maybe I shouldn't have purchased them knowing they weren't on the list but I just wanted him to have those sneakers and thought I was doing a nice gesture. submitted by /u/Campfire_byLake77 to r/AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]