Male Names With Meaning

...I think it ties in with the OPs thoughts. If not...before the presidential transition, repeatedly names then-OCR Director Catherine Lhamon as...following the plain and unambiguous meaning of the order" by U.S...., in a virtual meeting with Mattson, Lhamon "stated that she... stories I've heard. A male was allowed to compete in ... -- against girls. The male fingered his female opponent while ...

...." Quaritch would have responded with some of the names he and Paz had thrown... of humanoid forms, one male and one female, that looked .... A hologram of a male and female human popped up ...few of the many different names that we Commanders were christened with. And all of us ...But it's all linked together, meaning that I can assume direct ... could inhabit. After that, with its purpose complete, the ship ...

...." "Uh, no, duh," the male Sensei replied with a grin. "Wasn't it obvious... apple, just from different trees." "Meaning, by nature, we have an ..., but never a male Rio, John thought. All of those names from yesterday—Rin, Yuuka... I can arrange a meeting with Ryo and a tour of ... "She's a nice kid, even with that scary mug." "Schale is ... Jane winced, rubbing the spot with a glare. "You're overthinking it," ...

... hungry, high-yielding sativa-leaning plant with a strong, distinctively sweet... indicate several common experiences with these genetics:Nutrient Demand:...vegetative and stretch phase, meaning they require attentive feeding schedules... pollinated by a Ghettoblaster male badbillybob.If you are ...era would recognize the names. Based on what's publicly ...a keeper female or male from a previous breeding ...

...golden-eyed boy. Often the names of heroes have a meaning, sometimes it is ..., trying to be vague with his answer. "With the latest revelations, having you... the Justice League with all due respect?" Galahad said, revealing the meaning of Wonder Woman's.... Galahad is missing, along with his shield, his cloud and ...Lost **Character** Reincarnation, Original Character, Male, Masculine, 14 to 18 years ...

... has done this for years with both male and female actors. The... has also done. No issue with it in the slightest, but... called names that have lost all meaning. I do have an issue with... that used to have a male lead. Many have been switched... protagonists or heavy 'inclusivity' updates. Male characters increasingly come across as ...

...same airspace with each others—while the third, and the sole male among... or some other profound philosophical meaning befitting the Path of Remembrance... alone. Many adopted different names afterward, reshaping their identities alongside...Daybreak was genuinely grateful, because with their attention elsewhere, she could ... her break! Seriously, again with another unprompted conversation?! Since when ...

...w/ Icy Blue Antlers Gender: Male Age: Child Desires: Entertainment,..., he may actually speak with his siblings; their nondescript ... having nondescript conversations with each other, with mostly words of ... is instead 'Risshun' (立春), meaning, "beginning of spring" which...(****) Refer back to paragraph ending with (**). (*****) For a short period ... kinda. (If the color names feel weird, that's why.) When...

... to her green-skinned but human-ish male uh. Partner in crime out... without meaning to, really, but whoever this… is that a slug with legs..., and I even know the names of some clothing stall owners. ...about, though. Take it out with the trash." "With how many stares I get...myssself clear? Refresh your screen." With a groan and an eyeroll, ...equipment is available to connect with job postings at the request ...

... dates some kind of cockroach male, I'll accept the situation.... male Hikigayas (if there any others left) around the world struggle with... I look at tee shirts with band names and brand logos on them....rail. There's a sleeveless tee with "Nikos 01" written on the..."Burgers?" I ask. "I've been meaning to try the Challenger at ...for this story, along with everyone who reached out with encouraging words. I'm ...

... Some students stood with parents. Others with siblings. Several with sponsors already discussing...to remember the Japanese meaning at the end of names and what they...into the hallways to the male locker room to wash then ...that. Then immediately covered it with attitude. "…I'm emotionally predictable. Horrifying." ... warm. Safe. Normal. Even with Dubai waiting. Even with the attack still hanging over ...

...to know their true names first so this ...stronger than All Might meaning that it isn't ...is a contact type meaning she can't alter anything...fact that he did meaning it was probably ... "Arguably four spells with wildly different applications depending... to ship Bakugou with anyone with a pulse and... look up the Male J concept art Liam...

...addiction is difficult to deal with, and expensive spiritual herbs are...really something. "You can speak with the receptionists to settle the...hand, her eyes pleading. Her meaning was clear: that was too...the obvious difference in strength? With the evidence in hand, they...crime." The male officer behind the desk looked at him with a soothing...crooked smile. After sending their names, he turned off the call...

...addiction is difficult to deal with, and expensive spiritual herbs are...really something. "You can speak with the receptionists to settle the...hand, her eyes pleading. Her meaning was clear: that was too...the obvious difference in strength? With the evidence in hand, they...crime." The male officer behind the desk looked at him with a soothing...crooked smile. After sending their names, he turned off the call...

... hassle of constantly fighting with shoelaces, so I always...looks just like his default male setting from the game,...don't need to concern yourself with proving your worth," Chrom... hum thoughtfully, considering what names to give. Nobody who joins...raise too many questions. Meaning Robin is out as well...make a fine shepherd, with some proper exercise and ...are, but I don't know names, places, or anything at...

.../Lebanese-Canadian Québécois entrepreneur publicly names his sexual assailant, documents.... It comes and goes with the weather. -- Eid...it — A chapter on male sexual assault that nobody in...(invocations) that manifested, with Arabic text, transliteration, meaning, and personal testimony for... the other side with something the ancient Greeks had... Kevin DuBrow fucked around with this message at 21:36...

... I hate almost every single male name out there. I have... came up with Allen Roland Phillip Harrison (second and third names are.... My husband's brother is names after his grandfather with Roland as his middle... like super traditional names and prefer more southern type names - but we... want/need it to carry the same weight of meaning...

... tell her that she is male and ~6-8 years older than ... print out a family tree with names, genders, birth and death dates ... give you a flame burning with colors representing the magically significant ... their most recent common ancestor, meaning with not enough blood or not ... if it can only trace male line descent, can you imagine ... same time to father twins with different father's! The scandal! And ...

... tell her that she is male and ~6-8 years older than ... print out a family tree with names, genders, birth and death dates ... give you a flame burning with colors representing the magically significant ... their most recent common ancestor, meaning with not enough blood or not ... if it can only trace male line descent, can you imagine ... same time to father twins with different father's! The scandal! And ...

...I didn't know the names of were here, and I...only result from magical fatalities, meaning magi are not rewarded for... relief." One of the male legislators had another question then, "... staff? Sure. Directly dealing with front line encounters is doable ...You three can go deal with it, then please come back; ... came to mind for names were puns. "I dub thee ...If you want to talk with us and other readers about ...

...I didn't know the names of were here, and I...only result from magical fatalities, meaning magi are not rewarded for... relief." One of the male legislators had another question then, "... staff? Sure. Directly dealing with front line encounters is doable ...You three can go deal with it, then please come back; ... came to mind for names were puns. "I dub thee ...If you want to talk with us and other readers about ...

... don't remember most of their names anymore, since I haven't been... movies are brilliantly crafted stories with layers of meaning baked into them. Mike... a hill”) is usually associated with light, male energy, the sun, ascending, and... things, but apparently, where place names go, "yang" (pronounced "yong") tends... a hill") is usually associated with light, male energy, the sun, ascending, and...

...replies • OR private message conversations with new replies • Thread OP is...-- specifically Velocity sportswear along with an Armsmaster winter-edition jacket. Concoction...was seen as a blond male in there mid thirties dressed...leaking stuff over some no names? nah this is a set...are being handled in accordance with standard protocol. We are ... meaning the other guy also was one and HellHound dont fuck with...

...replies • OR private message conversations with new replies • Thread OP is...-- specifically Velocity sportswear along with an Armsmaster winter-edition jacket. Concoction...was seen as a blond male in there mid thirties dressed...leaking stuff over some no names? nah this is a set...are being handled in accordance with standard protocol. We are ... meaning the other guy also was one and HellHound dont fuck with...

...a second edition in 2025, with some streamlining, altered prompts, and...Norse rune and elemental symbol with two random pictographs which ...you make up your own meaning for each symbol depending on...semi-generic multi-cultural names for NPCs. One name is vaguely male, one vaguely... assumes (properly) you’re sticking with a broad genre of some...in a more mundane direction with random Questgiver/Task/Reason ...

A few years ago, New York dermatologist Dr David A Colbert received an unexpected call from a Hollywood director. The director was shooting a film starring a high-profile actor who had plumped his face with so much filler it wouldn’t move. The director proceeded to berate Colbert, whose practice has treated famous faces such as Sienna Miller, Naomi Watts and Robin Wright, for stilting his star’s ability to emote. “He was kind of rude,” Colbert said. “He was like, ‘Hey, can you stop doing what you’re doing [to his face]?’” The director was mistaken: Colbert had never given dermal filler, or Botox, to the actor. “But I felt for him, because he wants his actors to look like people,” said Colbert, who did not disclose the identities of either. That director was fighting a losing battle. These days, the new “it” product among celebrities isn’t a $280 La Prairie concealer or $1000 Decorté moisturizer. It’s an entirely new face, with pillowy lips, stretched-out skin and a stationary forehead. For the rest of us, that means staring at faces on movie screens and streamers that look enhanced – and therefore restricted – by expensive cosmetic procedures. When the trailer for Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey dropped, armchair critics griped that Anne Hathaway, who has denied cosmetic surgery rumors, could not move her forehead enough. They found it unbelievable that Penelope, Odysseus’s wife, would have access to that good a dermatologist in ancient Greece. In the Wicked franchise, Ariana Grande plays Glinda the Good Witch in the Land of Oz, where apparently beauty standards are just as rigid as the real world: Grande’s airbrushed lack of expression led one Dazed writer to ask: “Is Botox ruining cinema?” Ditto for Margot Robbie as Wuthering Heights’s Cathy, whose Barbie-smooth features inspired speculation of cosmetic surgery, which could inhibit the lusty facial contortions one might make during a bodice-ripping scene. Much of this nip-tuck speculation is mean-spirited. It reeks of misogyny, blaming women for unrealistic beauty standards that are widespread in film-making and muffling necessary discussions on ageing in the industry. Millie Bobby Brown, only 22 years old, said that audiences’ responses to her unchangeable expression during the Electric State press tour left her holed up and “depressed for three, four days”. The pitchforks have come for men, too. Barry Keoghan said that online abuse about the way he looks (fans have speculated on whether or not he got filler) has made him “shy away” from acting and public life, and Ryan Gosling’s ageless appearance on a recent episode of Jimmy Fallon had an uncanny valley vibe, or so some fans tweeted. But it is also true that some of the best acting comes from total abandon and a willingness to be ugly – whether that’s Lucille Ball chucking chocolate down her gullet in I Love Lucy, or Charlize Theron’s unflinchingly raw depiction of the poverty-stricken serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster. Apparent dermal fillers, Botox, lip augmentation and jawline contouring do not exactly allow for expressive, soul-stirring performances. “It’s almost become standard that the face doesn’t move as much as it used to,” Colbert said. That lack of movement presents an existential threat to the craft of acting. Beauty has always been a job requirement for being a star, but so has facial dexterity. Is all that filler going to make for worse performances? Actors have sculpted their faces for as long as the film industry has existed – and audiences have always voiced their opinions on the topic. Marsha Gordon, a historian and professor of film studies at North Carolina State University, cites a 1929 article in Motion Picture magazine titled The Flesh and Blood Racket. The piece named and shamed mostly men who had gone under the knife, such as the boxer Jack Dempsey, who fixed his battered nose in preparation for a screen career. The bullish actor Louis Wolheim, known for playing thugs, wanted a rhinoplasty to help transition into leading roles; studio executives at United Artists successfully served a restraining order to stop him from changing it. “The close-up was so crucial to moviemaking. I just imagine Marlene Dietrich, Greta Garbo or Clara Bow’s face filling the screen,” Gordon said. “It wasn’t just about conveying emotion. It was an opportunity for audiences to sit in the palace of a movie theater and see a beautiful face.” These women were not immune to face-sculpting rumors back in their day. Legend has it that Dietrich removed her molars to achieve her famously arch cheekbones, and MGM reportedly secretly sent Garbo to see a surgeon. Neither actor is remembered for hamming it up onscreen – both projected a subtle coolness – but they were celebrated for their signature features. Dietrich’s pencil-thin brows, for instance, or Garbo’s sunken, hooded eyelids. “Films have become less intimate in terms of framing a performer’s face,” Gordon continued. “As we shift away from a culture of movie theaters, from big screens to tiny screens, I wonder if that has something to do with this tolerance [for filler].” Dr Anthony Brissett, a Houston-based cosmetic surgeon and president of the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, points not to screen size but modern high-definition cameras, which reveal more than the naked eye. “There are things that actors and actresses will share with me that bother them” about their appearances, he said. “I have a hard time seeing it. Then I’ll watch them on television and yeah, sure enough, there it is. They’re under a high level of scrutiny and feeling this desire to look the same continuously.” Age used to be an actor’s enemy. During the Hollywood star system days, when studios controlled every aspect of actors’ lives, a fortysomething woman might quietly fade away, such as Dietrich did, or accept more character roles, which were often undignified (Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? comes to mind). Now, female actors are no longer expected to disappear from the limelight after turning 30. A woman in her 40s can carry a film – but it helps her career to look as if she never aged. (It would also help her career if she never turned 60 either.) “I just sort of expect female actors somewhere between 30 and 60 are probably doing stuff, and they’re not going to move their foreheads,” Colbert said. Male actors do it too, but “it’s very competitive, especially for women.” Hollywood’s filler-mania mirrors national interest: an estimated 1.6 million Americans received facial procedures last year, with neurotoxins and fillers being the most popular. Then there is the sudden rise in GLP-1 drugs, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, which have slimmed down famous bodies and faces to the extent that fillers are required to correct for the gauntness. At the same time, forgoing these kinds of doctor’s appointments has become a show of dedication to one’s craft – an indication that the industry’s new beauty standards are not aligned with the work, or representative of how the regular people being portrayed in films look. Kate Hudson said that she quit Botox while filming her Oscar-nominated role in Song Sung Blue, since the film was set in the 1980s, before the procedure hit the market. Jennifer Lawrence told the New Yorker she gets Botox but draws the line at forehead filler, which shows more on camera. In casting, there are two types: bankable stars and actors who lack name recognition. Stars don’t audition for parts, actors do, and the stakes are higher for actors debating whether to get in on the cosmetic enhancement trend. “Visible plastic surgery is an immediate audition killer for almost every project I’ve worked on,” said Marie, a Los Angeles-based casting director who has worked on network TV shows and major film releases. (Marie is a pseudonym.) “Networks really hate plastic surgery unless it’s on someone who’s already famous, then they magically don’t notice it. The more famous you are, the more you can fuck with your face before it starts to hinder your chances of getting on in a movie.” Marie said that some younger, up-and-coming actors clearly have filler, which looks good in a selfie but prohibits them from embodying a role. “It’s really sad, a lot of younger actresses feel the need to be beautiful on Instagram, but then it makes them less realistic and accessible,” she said. “Being a model and an actress are two different things. I wouldn’t send someone [to a director] with visible plastic surgery, because they would look at us like we’re crazy and have bad taste.” Still, Marie said that cosmetic surgery or filler is never directly addressed in casting processes she has been involved with. “It’s completely unspoken,” she said. Zak Barnett, 50, is an acting coach in Hollywood. He does not have conversations about cosmetic enhancements while training actors on their artistic processes, but said his students talk to their agents about it, debating whether it will help them land jobs. Barnett believes that AI’s recent infiltration of Hollywood might help to reverse this trend. “The desire to be perfect will be taken over by AI projects and AI actors,” he said. “I think what audiences are going to want to see more and more is the truth, which is imperfections. If we get back to character-driven stories, then we won’t want anything to obstruct that authenticity.” It’s a nice thought. But Jessica M Goldstein, a journalist who has covered Hollywood aesthetics and culture, is not as hopeful. “Beauty standards under capitalism require there to always be something new to purchase,” she said. “There might be a superficial change – humanmade things become a badge of prestige or class, like how brands will talk about something being made in America. But that doesn’t mean that people are going to stop paying to have work done. It just means the nature of the work will change.” Goldstein predicts a shift toward more subtle enhancements. Fifteen or 20 years ago, actors started to get veneers en masse. Famous smiles all looked identical. These days, veneers are less standardized – though they’re still nice-looking, and very expensive. To some extent, this shift is already happening with faces. Brissett, the cosmetic surgeon, says patients are reporting “filler fatigue”, either opting to dissolve their filler or not re-up when it wears off (most fillers last up to a year). “It’s something they’ve outgrown,” he said. More people are turning to facelifts, Brissett said, which is the second most popular cosmetic surgery procedure in the US. The “deep-plane facelift” can cost up to $40,000 in major metropolitan areas such as New York or Los Angeles. It’s a newer, more natural-looking procedure intended to make someone look refreshed but not necessarily radically different. Crucially, it allows for facial movement. “Celebrities, public figures, and high-profile individuals are having it done quietly,” one surgeon told New York magazine last year. Jennifer Lawrence might shy away from filler, afraid of how it would impact her acting. But when asked if she had had a deep-plane, she eagerly responded: “Believe me, I’m gonna!” submitted by /u/ThrowawayGreenWitch to r/popculturechat [link] [comments]

A strange doorway appears in the basement of a furniture showroom. Director: Kane Parsons Cast: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Renate Reinsve, Mark Duplass, Finn Bennett, Lukita Maxwell Distributor: A24 Rotten Tomatoes: 88% Metacritic: 76 / 100 Some Reviews (updating): HeyUGuys - Linda Marric - 5 / 5 Disturbing, visually unforgettable, and intellectually ambitious, Backrooms is the kind of horror cinema that treats atmosphere and ideas as inseparable from spectacle. That Parsons has made the leap from teenager filming YouTube shorts to helming one of A24's most compelling releases of 2026 is truly remarkable. I Couldn't Help But Wonder - Naz Perez - 9.5 / 10 This is the kind of psychological smart horror I have been hungry for since 'Heretic'. And I think A24 has another big franchise on their hands if they want to continue this mythology on the big screen. Renate Reinsve gives one of the most quietly devastating performances of the year, and this is her first horror film ever. Aesthetic, theme, performance, world-building. It is all there. 9.5/10 - only docked because I think it could have gone a half-step deeper into the philosophical undertow. The Irish Times - Tara Brady - 4.5 / 5 Ejiofor cleverly manifests a character caught between psychic dislocation and male privilege; Reinsve’s wounds are deeper but palpable beneath her collected facade. Mark Duplass deepens the mystery as a cryptic scientist. The bigger stars, however, are Danny Vermette’s production design and Parsons’s exquisite direction. Fresh Fiction - Courtney Howard - 'A' BACKROOMS serves to unnerve with its spooky haunts. It’s soaked in anxiety and dread that overwhelm our senses, specifically in the latter half, and it all leads to a jaw-dropping conclusion. Its Still Life entities are accompanied by gut-wrenching unease upon their inevitable introduction. Deeper subterranean levels of mind-blowing revelations are bound to appear as this is built for multiple viewings. Ingenious and disturbingly affecting, we can only hope Parsons, as a modernist architect of panic attacks, will be able to continue to world-build in potential future offerings. The Film Verdict - Alonso Duralde - 9 / 10 With connective tissue linking it to both Skinamarink and Synecdoche, New York, Backrooms is a chillingly ambitious debut that finds the terror in enclosed spaces and echoing silences. It’s a screen nightmare that could easily work its way into viewers’ real ones. The Prague Reporter - Jason Pirodsky - 3.5 / 4 Still, for its minor flaws, Backrooms feels like the arrival of something genuinely new in mainstream horror: a studio-backed feature that still retains the unsettling weirdness and experimental spirit of internet-born horror storytelling. Parsons translates the uncanny dread of the original creepypasta into cinematic form with startling confidence, creating images and spaces that linger in the mind long after the credits roll. Like the Backrooms themselves, this is a film that’s difficult to fully explain—but impossible to forget. The Independent - Clarisse Loughrey - 4 / 5 While the Backrooms, to the non-online and the non-gamer, might seem like a byproduct of AppleTV’s Severance, their language has been deployed for years by games like Control, The Exit 8, and Lethal Company. But the many video game adaptations we’ve seen haven’t really dared to tell their stories in the medium’s minimalist, environment-driven way, where characters learn through the objects around them. Backrooms does. And it’s all the more fascinating for it. We’ll have to see who follows in Parsons’s footsteps, but his film might very well end up defining a generation. Little White Lies - Esther Rosenfield - 4 / 5 Like those yellow-wallpapered hallways themselves, it is endearingly open-ended and peculiarly captivating. NextBestPicture - Dan Bayer - 8 / 10 Both unconventionally scary and satisfying, Kane Parsons successfully brings his web series to the big screen as a transfixing exercise in sustained tension. Immaculately creepy, mind-boggling production design. IGN - Lex Brusco - 8 / 10 Backrooms expertly expands on the conceptual groundwork of the YouTube series with smart visual composition, beautifully terrifying production design, a complex protagonist, and a return to Kane Parsons’ roots of computer generated sequences that pack a serious punch. The film also opens the doors to some compelling pathways to deepen the lore even more, if newcomers are willing to meet the film on its level, where it isn’t going to spoon-feed anyone. Parsons’ film is a harrowing trip to the dark heart of fractured memory, loneliness, and inner turmoil. It takes what’s psychologically horrifying about the liminality of life and transmogrifies it into something truly terrifying. That’s something the concept has always done well, and its future seems bright with Parsons at the helm of the nightmarish maze. The AU Review - Peter Gray - 4 / 5 Rather than reducing the Backrooms into conventional monster horror, Parsons preserves the existential dread that made the original creepypasta resonate so powerfully online. The result is a horror film that feels genuinely singular: eerie, melancholy, deeply uncanny, and willing to trust audiences enough to leave them lost inside its maze. Slant Magazine - Rocco T. Thompson - 4 / 5 Backrooms is undeniable, both as a future load-bearing pillar of the internet-born horror movement that’s now breaking ground and for being built on a concept that feels truly new. Horror reinvents itself every decade or so, and what it does better than any other genre is reflect back at us the collective nightmares of the world we live in. But what’s especially unnerving about this film’s particular journey through the looking glass is that it doesn’t take us very far at all. It points us back to our distorted selves and the hollow world we’ve built, replicated and twisted ad infinitum into a fluorescent-lit purgatory whose very familiarity is its horror. RTE - Harry Guerin - 4 / 5 This is a film that maps out its own universe in style, and Parsons' gift for wringing suspense from every scene is prodigious. Here, you really don't know what's around the corner. Is it all in Clark's head? Will therapist Mary (Sentimental Value's Renate Reinsve) believe him? How many sequels can Parsons and screenwriter Will Soodik get away with? One thing is for certain: this isn't over. The ending leaves a lot hanging and will not be to everyone's taste, but even the grumblers will walk away from Backrooms determined to find out more. Welcome to your new rabbit hole. Radio Times - Jeremy Aspinall - 4 / 5 It’s an eye-catching debut feature from Parsons whose adoption of the previously over-used found-footage formula to garner scares is deftly utilised, even offering clues as to the reality of the situation. Meanwhile, the surreal shifts and turns that occur as Clark travels deeper into an infinite dimension of rooms mean you are never quite sure what the endgame will be, especially once Clark’s therapist is compelled to investigate her patient’s apparent disappearance. Ejiofor is at his hangdog best and is matched by Reinsve, whose calm, enigmatic exterior masks a mystery from her own past. However, the real star here is the setting and its fascinating metamorphosis from the bland to the downright uncanny. Slash Film - BJ Colangelo - 7.5 / 10 He might be a filmmaker currently too young to legally drink in the States who undoubtedly had the mentorship of producers like Mark Duplass and Oz Perkins to show him the ropes on this first feature, but Parsons announces himself as a filmmaker worth watching closely, delivering what may be the strongest creepypasta adaptation yet — and a deeply unsettling reminder that sometimes the scariest thing in the world is confronting the inaccuracies of existence. The film's haunting final image lingers long after the credits roll, the kind of ending designed to inspire immediate post-screening debates in theater lobbies and Reddit threads alike. I can't wait to see what fresh hells await us from Parsons next. DiscussingFilm - Andrew J. Salazar - 3.5 / 5 At its best, Kane Parsons’ Backrooms is as claustrophobic and nerve-wracking as his viral web series. Parsons and co-composer Edo Van Breemen (another Osgood Perkins collaborator) embellish the movie with creepy yet atmospheric synths, adding to what fans have always wanted from such an adaptation. At its lowest, though, this horror film leaves more to be desired in its scares and plotting (such as the rather simple purpose that Mark Duplass’ Async agent serves in his brief screen time). Admittedly, the bulk of these hiccups and divisive aspects stem from a risk taken or a clear decision made. And for a filmmaker as young and adventurous as Parsons, some credit is due for taking so many swings. I mean, for a director who had established industry names like Osgood Perkins, Shawn Levy, and James Wan in line to back his first feature at only 19 years of age, it would have been easy for Parsons to phone it in when so much of his source material works so well on its own. But he didn’t, and that’s how you know he’s here to stay. Toronto Star - Peter Howell - 2 / 4 Ejiofor is a gifted actor stranded in a maze that doesn’t quite know what to do with him; ditto for the screenplay. Reinsve, so luminous in “The Worst Person in the World,” is similarly underused. InSession Film - Shaurya Chawla - 'B+' Backrooms will likely prove to be a treat for fans of the original material and its most eagle-eyed viewers. While Parsons directs the movie in a manner that would allow audiences unfamiliar with the original material to watch it, there is an enhanced experience to be had with more contextual backing, especially as the narrative and characterization is a bit thin. By the end, however, what Backrooms does succeed at, is being a really solid horror experience that continues to showcase the talents of young filmmakers in the industry and pave the way for even more impressive works in the future. Time will tell where Parsons’ career goes, but if Backrooms is any indication, he will go a long, long way. IndieWire - Ryan Lattanzio - 'B' The budget-goosed maximalism of Parsons’ movie might make it less likely to scare the hell out of you than watching his forbidden-feeling videos unspool out of your laptop in bed at night. Will Soodik’s script attempts to anchor the “Backrooms” lore in psychological realism that would feel hokey without performances so psychically attuned to Parsons’ vision. Ejiofor is a sad-sack melancholic before he turns increasingly crazed and tries to play liminal-space detective, while Norwegian actress Reinsve proves she’s both Final Girl material and “The Worst Person in the World.” “Backrooms” is a movie more likely to blow young minds, but remember the first horror movie you saw that changed who you were? This movie will be that for a lot of people. The Times - Kevin Maher - 2 / 5 And please can we stop with the boy wonder thing? This isn’t the 1940s, during which Orson Welles directed Citizen Kane at the age of 25. Women film-makers today, among them Greta Gerwig, Emerald Fennell, Celine Song and Nia DaCosta, have to be at least 30 before they’re “allowed” to direct a film. Anointing Parsons a boy genius then handing him $10 million, no questions asked, to make a ropey, substandard horror doesn’t seem right. The premise remains untouched. A limitless subterranean and mostly empty mustard-coloured office complex of multiple rooms, strip lighting and bad carpets that for brief unsettling moments features creepy stick figures, a tottering woman or a seagull. Into this — sigh, ugh, do we have to? — so-called liminal space are thrown our clueless protagonists, the frustrated furniture store manager Clark (Ejiofor) and his doe-eyed and slightly insipid therapist Mary (Reinsve). And this is where the fun allegedly begins. DEADLINE - Pete Hammond The sheer cinematic sophistication of this feature film adaptation of the You Tube series should not be surprising when you consider some of its many producers are the likes of James Wan, Shawn Levy, Perkins, Peter Chernin, Jenno Topping and more. Clearly A24 and its production partners have given Parsons some heavyweight support and guidance in realizing a movie version of a cerebral idea that works on its own terms and could spark a franchise. After all it is the walls and the doors that are the real stars here. This is a visually stunning nightmare though and props must be given to cinematographer Jeremy Cox, and production designer Danny Vermette for a dazzling magical mystery tour through this prison with no exit, a weirder wonderland than any Alice ever visited, spare but with mementos from past lives now distorted and twisted, something out of our dreams and somehow brought to vivid life on the big screen. Big props also to editor Greg Ng, VFX supervisor Edward Douglas, and the appropiate electronic score from Parsons and Edd Van Breeman that accompanies this bizarro land full of constant noises that offer clues for what lies within these walls and behind these doors – or not. We don’t really know (the sound design is exceptional). Associated Press - Jake Coyle - 2 / 4 As a horror, fluorescent-lit riff on Michel Gondry’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” “Backrooms” doesn’t quite work. While the movie finds a potentially insightful pathway to a story, it can’t bridge its very physical, wall-to-wall-carpeted labyrinth with Clark’s mental state. A movie with so many doors ultimately can’t find the right one. Despite a paper-wall-thin concept, both Ejiofor and Reinsve give “Backrooms” some depth. Ejiofor has almost always been a supremely level-headed screen presence, but here embraces a latent capacity for fevered mania. Reinsve, the star of “The Worst Person in the World” and “Sentimental Value,” proves especially absorbing in her first horror film. She gives the movie a slinky intelligence. Looper - Matthew Jackson - 7 / 10 When "Backrooms" is playing with horror on that existential level, punctuated by a couple of truly marvelous jump scares, it works wonderfully. Unfortunately, it flinches and turns from this approach one too many times. Even with its flaws, though, this is a remarkably cohesive calling card for Parsons, and the announcement of an exciting new voice in horror filmmaking. There's nothing wrong with reaching the widest possible audience with your work, but in the case of "Backrooms," there are layers of mystery that get stripped away when you attempt to explain too much, center the liminal vastness of the title location on human characters, or simply give in to predictable horror instincts in the final act. Screen Rant - Graeme Guttmann - 7 / 10 There are plenty of nods to Parsons' videos, including the presence of Async, but the film really strives to examine the psychology of its characters in a way that it isn't fully equipped to do. Even when it falters, though, Backrooms is still an effective horror film, dealing in quiet terror over abject horror. In a world where fear is constantly thrown in our faces, having to look for it, and wanting to do so in the first place, can be just as disturbing. Empire - Jamie Graham - 3 / 5 Switching between the rigorous lensing of an objective camera and lurching, found-footage-style perspectives, Backrooms is one of the most out there, surreal, art-horror features since David Lynch’s Eraserhead. The web series might boast 200 million views since debuting in 2022, but this movie is most certainly not for everyone. It favours opacity, half-glimpsed creatures and a steady sense of unease over crowd-pleasing jumps, and is sure to spark endless debate and interpretations among those who aren’t bored silly by it. CBR - Caralynn Matassa - 6 / 10 Incredibly immersive production design, especially the massive Backrooms set and unsettling architectural details. Strong atmosphere and dread, helped by anxious found-footage-style camerawork and eerie 1990s aesthetics. But the story loses some coherence in the back half, especially once Mary takes over more of the narrative. Renate Reinsve feels slightly miscast, despite her talent. The movie doesn't fully live up to the hype, ending with more disorienting confusion than satisfying impact. submitted by /u/ChiefLeef22 to r/movies [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwawaythehatersok Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRUs: #1, #2 [New 2-Year Update]: Fiancé thinks I am an ass for not converting NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: mentions hate crime, religion abuse, verbal abuse, threatening behavior, harassment, stalking, physical violence RECAP Original Post: August 21, 2024 Throwaway as my main he follows. I've never posted on this sub before so please delete if not allowed. I (F35) and my Fiancé "Todd" (M41) met over a decade ago and we have a mutual friend group. We started dating last year, and got engaged last month. Generally speaking, he treats me like a queen. He spoils me a lot and I appreciate it always. He's usually respectful and kind, communicative and patient with me. This started to change and I want to say it started to change once the ring was accepted. I need to be clear, I don't much care to get married. I am perfectly fine with not. My parents aren't married but they have been in love and together for over 40 years. My siblings are all but one unmarried but in seemingly happy relationships each at least for 5 years. But Todd is Christian and is of the mind that two people eventually need to get married to be happy. We talked about it at length both before we were a couple and after we started dating. I was clear that I don't want or need a ring but if it's important to a partner I come to love then whatever. I will do a small wedding. He was overjoyed when he proposed and I said yes in front of pretty much everyone in our little world but later said that I didn't seem excited enough and it felt like I didn't want to marry him. I said I love him and if he wants a marriage then sure, but to say I want to marry? I mean I know he wants to, and if that's what he wants, and since it doesn't matter to me either way, the math was easy. Let's get married. I said it sort of jokingly to lighten the mood, but he didn't like that at all and nearly every other day he would find a way to ask me if I really wanted to marry him or he would simply that he feels like I don't. I suggested couples therapy as it seems to really be on his mind and troubling him, and he said he's done therapy before and doesn't need to do it again. Then last week, on our usual date night, he said he had something really big to ask me. "Call it a favor if that makes it better" and asked me to come to his church and get baptized. I stared at him. I am atheist and have been since I was mid-twenties. He has known that for years, and we've always been respectful of each other’s beliefs. I told him I couldn't do that. Baptism is supposed to be sacred and with a true heart for that faith, and I simply would be a liar if I said I wanted to live for his god because I frankly don't. He argued that it's just "a splash of water and some words," and since he wants it before our wedding and I "don't care about religion either way," this should be easy. I refused again explaining that I do care about religion. My majors were World Religions and Anthropology. I care a LOT. And it would be dishonest to his god and our community for me to dedicate my life to his religion outwardly but not inwardly. I said it felt disrespectful to his faith and the people who truly live it. He got angry with me "oh so you're okay, disrespecting me, though," and when I asked what he meant, he said to drop it and changed the subject. I pressed more, but he raised his voice. "I said drop it." Loud enough for others to turn and look at us. He'd been robotic around me since. Days up in his study all night, sleeps on his study couch, goes to every service and event/gathering his church has (which is most weekday nights and Saturday morning as well as Sunday) and has been inviting me to every single one. He hadn't done that since we started dating he did it then I said I respect his beliefs and will go to something like a wedding or christening or baptism but not a simple service or event. When he asked me just a few minutes ago tonight, I reminded him of the above and he just dropped into our couch and sobbed and when I went over to comfort and talk to him, he pushed me away and left muttering something about running late for service. ---- His sister "Esther" texted me to ask what happened and I gave a brief summary, and she texted back that I am being a jerk and one service isn't going to make me "burst into flames" and it's important to Todd. So am I being a bone head? Am I crazy to think that this pressure is a deal breaker? I do love him, but this version of him is not only a stranger to me but a weight on me. But aren't people supposed to work through that hard shit to get on in a relationship? Edit to update. He texted me a few minute ago saying when he gets home he wants to have a serious talk. I explained that my best friend is over so it will have to wait, and he replied "No. Tell her to leave. Give her my love but this is serious." I talked with my bestie "Bessie" F35 and read some of the comments here and told him no indeed. He can go home to his parents, and he is welcome to come in and pack a bag and leave because Bess is here for me right now, and I need her here for me right now. He hasn't responded. ---- Edit to respond to things that have come up a lot either in messages or comments: He has never raised a hand to me. He would never and if it's not for the reason I used to think - that he's not a dick - it would at least be because I am a military brat. Both parents. So not only am I trained to defend myself well, but my parents AHEM would not take kindly. A lot of people brought up kids. I can't get pregnant. I did want kids and then this happened. So now I am okay with the idea of not having any. He said he was okay with that too and we talked about just being dog rescue people. My family likes him. My father, a pastor, loves the guy. But no I haven't told him about this yet. He is non-denominational and goes to a "mega church" in our state. Literally thousands of people. No, it is not a requirement for marriage at his church for me to convert. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA Relevant Comments OOP lists all the "stuff" she has done for him to a downvoted commenter Here Just to be clear, what doesn't count as stuff for him? Is it that instead of paying a fraction of his college costs for this upcoming semester, I covered it all for him? Is it that I gave him my old car when his broke down and transferred it to his name without him paying a dime? Oh hold on, I know, it's because I cook for him every weekday when I am home, do our grocery shopping so he doesn't have that on his plate, let him move in rent-free because he couldn't afford to renew his lease and even got a he-shed out back for him out of my own dime, so he has a place to decompress and paint. No not that... I should have funded his WHOLE mission trip last year instead of half...is that it? Ohhhhh I know what you're talking about, it's that I do the majority of the housework so he can focus on his degree. Nah you probably just mean that I took the time last year to find his undergrad college years buddies and flew his mother in for his 40th birthday, had it catered, decorated, and hired a bartender. Or is it more basic like the fact that when he went vegan, I switch up my whole lifestyle and only eat vegan when out and about and purged all non-vegan items not for the dog from the home. Thank you because actually I am now seeing I do so damn much for this man and he should treat me like a queen because I treated him like a king. This was eye opening. Commenter 1: NTA Time to break up. But, dang, I love how so many Christians take their religion less seriously than we do. An insincere baptism is indeed disrespectful yet so many Christians want nonbelievers to do it! OOP: This is what confuses me most. If it's such an important part of his life, how is he okay with me lying and insincerity "devoting" my life to Christ? I am not against people who have faith. But those that I know who do - truly do beyond platitudes and the mainstream, are kind and loving and would be offended so much if someone faked it and lied about it and gone through sacred rites and the like. It doesn't make sense why he keeps switching sides on it. Commenter 2: No it's a ploy. "Oh just get baptized, it's not serious, just some water and some words!" "Oh please come to the service, the pastor really wants to meet you!" "I told the Youth Leader that you'd help, I'm sure you don't mind? It's for the kids, it's not really religious, just a prayer at the beginning and end!" "But sweetheart we HAVE to raise our kids in the church, what will everyone think?" They've got a script- no seriously- on how to trickle-truth convert someone. He's getting IMMENSE pressure from the church to bring you into the fold, to save you, to prevent you from being 'unequally yoked', to hunt and win a soul for Jesus. OOP: That is...terrifying. I was clear when I left the church eons ago that I am not and will not follow that faith. He never hinted once that I can think of to do what you're saying but it really makes me think this might be exactly what he's doing. I can't get pregnant so kids are out of the equation, but I couldn't bear it if he tried to push me more into his church life. I'm involved a bit to make him happy. I do help at certain events and such. I have skills they sometimes need, and not at all opposed to a food or clothing or back to school drive and the like. I figured it less about it being a church event and more a community event where we helped people.   Update #1: August 28, 2024 (one week later) Last week I posted about a problem between myself (F35) and my Fiancé "Todd" (M41) because despite having been respectful of each other’s beliefs until now, he is Christian and I am an atheist, he now wants me to get baptized. It came to a head, and he stormed out so I called my BFF to keep me company since I was pretty sad and emotional. I do a lot for him and Bess, the bestie, and a lot of you here helped me see that the relationship as is either needs to have serious changes to it or it needs to end. Logical. But logic is hard to cling to when you're heartbroken. I think I already knew he wouldn't change anything for me. I did text him that night that he needs to go back to his parents’ house - the house we live in is mine - and that I needed space. Guess he and his sister gave his parents an alternate version of events because they came by that night anyway. All of them. His mom, dad, sister Esther, and him. He had a key, so he just walked in as Bess, and I are drinking on the couch watching Netflix. I asked what he was doing here, and his family came into the room behind him. I asked what's going on. The way he looked at me is unexplainable, but his mom pushed by him and just yanked me into a very aggressive hug. She said that they were here to talk as a family and have a family meeting. And then told Bess she needed to leave. Bess refused. His mom turns to me to ask me to have Bess leave. I refuse. Its late, and I'm in not state to talk anything else. Please leave. It devolves into passive aggressive disapproval that I won't take guidance from the man I plan to marry. His parents (his father is a pastor) sat down to give me what felt like a whole pre-planned spell about how I am an adult and need to act like one and kicking a man out of his home for "doing the right thing" is a tantrum. His dad once even said that he is so disappointed in me and will be telling my father (also a pastor) about this. Gotta be honest I was dumbfounded for 85 percent of this and then finally (I guess it was the booze) started to laugh and told them to get out. His dad refused and called me volatile and suggested I get counseling. I told him this is my house, and I will call the police and to get the FUCK out. It was the first time I cussed in front of them. Pearls were clutched, I was called trashy and Bess held her phone like "okay, I am calling the cops, she asked you to leave." I heard his dad say "You're not marrying that" as they left and they muttered other hurtful things making a whole thing of them being sad and disappointed by me. They left. Todd packed a bag and left with them. He continued to text me invites to services. "It will help you." Stating that he is concerned about me and the path I am choosing. That his parents aren't sure he should marry me, but he loves me and wants what's best for me. I told him I need space and to leave me alone, but he kept texting. I said that the wedding is off and Sunday when I got home from running errands he was on the porch crying. He had a hand written letter that he wanted to read to me, but I said absolutely not and told him to go away. He kept asking me to think about what I am doing and how my choices effect more than just myself and more. I pointed to my doorbell cam and said I have footage of me repeatedly asking him to leave and Bess was recording the night his parents and sister and he ganged up on me. Go. Away. He threw his hand up like he was going to strike me and I just screamed. I didn't even mean to, it was so sudden and it scared me. He went to start apologizing but a neighbor came out to see what was happening and he just left. I texted him to never come back ever - he is no longer welcome. I will mail his stuff to his parents, but he is no longer welcome on my property ever again. He tried to apologize but I no longer care to hear any of his words. He did leave his written letter and I have read it. So has Bess. She keeps telling me it's just manipulation, but it just breaks me. The locks get changed tomorrow. Bess is helping me pack his shit. His father is picking up his stuff tonight. And I am just sitting here replaying the past week and a half in my head over and over. I know it’s pathetic, but I am shattered. I haven't been able to really sleep yet, and I feel like I don't even reside in my own body anymore. Just going through the motions. Bess is staying with me. I've been getting texts and social media comments about how disgusting I am - like my notifications just went insane over the weekend. This is just a nightmare and I'm not even sure how to wade through this. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: It is so hard to believe that he kept hidden that he wanted to convert you before marriage. That is the only explanation for this behavior so far into our relationship and close to marriage. It seems like he was keeping counsel with his parents while telling you what you wanted to hear. OOP: It's hard for me to fathom this. I thought we loved each other. I would do most anything for him, and I thought he felt the same way. But the way his family came down on me, it was surreal. If Bess weren't there, I really can't say what they might have convinced me off. It was a lot. They were all basically echoing the same sentiments and making it out that I was deranged and stupid and more. I didn't let them see my tears, but it was a devastating tirade of attacks, and I was so tired and so in my feelings that it was all too much. Bess thinks it was a coordinated effort to overwhelm me into complying, and if I was alone, they would have pushed me over the edge into believing them. Commenter 2: OP, don't meet with the father when he comes to get stuff. Pile that shit in the yard and let daddy haul it away. As for people blowing up your phone, block every last one of them. OOP: Bess is here with me, and she will meet him at the door. All Todd's shit is boxed up out front. So if all goes to plan, I won't even have to see the guy. If not, the people who live in proximity are keeping an eye out. Commenter 3: Why don't you post the footage on social media? From the parents bombarding you to him coming back and trying to strike you. Show them the truth. You have the footage. OOP: Bess shares your enthusiasm for this option. I am too tired/stressed/hurt to even deal with that. I want to speak with my parents first, make a plan, really be able to make the steps forward that I need. I am so empty but angry, but sad, but a thousand other things. I'm just not in a state I trust my own judgement right now. Posting it is something that can't be taken back. So if I do, I want to be sure and above reproach. &nbsp: Trigger Warnings: physical violence Update #2: September 22, 2024 (over three weeks later) I don't know how to do trigger warnings, only that they are important when writing posts. So I wanted to add this up here. Physical violence happened. I want to start with I am mostly okay now. I am safely at Bess's being fussed over by her hen-ness and finally have been able to sleep and eat somewhat normally. Todd's father was on my doorstep again not long after my last post. Bess told him through the door that everything he needed was right there and to grab it and leave. He got mad demanding I come out to speak with him calling me a cowardly and sick woman and other insults. Bess just said he can save it for the camera because I am not there (I was) and he just loaded his car, said he would pray for me, and left. We thought that to be it, but then a couple knocked on the door. I don’t know them personally, but I do recognize them as from Todd's church, so I kindly explain that we've broken up and to reach out to their pastor to find him. They then told they are here for me and asked to be invited in. I said no. The guy asked me to please not be inhospitable (exact word - TF) and I said that this will be the last time I politely ask them to leave. So they left. I ordered no trespassing signs online but the next day a different couple from the church pulled the same stunt except this time the guy was aggressive. He used my birth name (I changed it legally 4 years ago) and argued with me through the door cam and his wife kept trying beg me to keep the peace and come out to talk. I refused. A week after that, Todd was back but my dad was over. He had heard about this situation and oddly enough was trying to convince me to come stay back home for a bit. When Todd was outside, Dad stepped out. Dad's retired military and very tall and ordered Todd to leave. That's when Dad asked again for me to come home so I compromised that I would go to Bess's. While I was away Dad would check on the house and take in packages and put the no trespassing signs up. He also added cameras and came over to Bess's to make sure I had the app sync'd. After a few days I don't know how to explain it, but I just felt cooped up, so Bess and I went with a mutual male friend Sam M35 for drinks. Todd was there. He walked in about an hour after me and Bess. Sam spotted him first and got up blocking our booth from him. He saw us and went to the other side of the bar and just sat a while. Sam and Bess asked me if I wanted to leave and I did so we went next door. Todd showed up soon after. We moved to the pub next door and same. It happened 4 separate times and Bess recorded it each time. Sam drove us around a bit, and we needed up at a different bar miles away and Sam asked me if I had checked my stuff. We went through my purse and found nothing, but I remember that my location was on an app I shared with friends and family. I removed Todd from it and texted a few others to say I was turning my location off and did. I checked my cameras and sure enough Todd was parked on the street right in front of my house. He stayed there for over an hour. Sam convinced me to call the police. I could see they talked with him, but it didn't pick up audio that far out. Todd left without incident. I made a full report with recordings the next day. I was told that he did nothing illegal, and he's allowed to exist in public spaces and that night he was on the street, not my property, so he's off the hook there too. He never approached me. He never spoke to me. He did nothing wrong. So they can make the report, but no charges are available to me. The cop who told me all this was very condescending, and he seemed to just want to be done with me, so I left. About a week later, I had recordings of him coming to the same parking spot in front of my house 4 times and just sitting there. Then, that Friday, he showed up at the bar Sam works at. Sam had him tossed out but he refused and so Sam had him legally trespassed, but when the cops came around Todd argued that Sam is a bigot and he is targeting him for his faith and he is friends with "My wife" who is atheist. He got a warning but left on his own. I've been with Bess the whole time but now I think I have to tell my dad as he's still showing up at my house. Bess is helping me find a lawyer to help since the police haven't been taking me seriously. This is just so fucking insane. It doesn't even make sense. Sam put no trespassing and no soliciting signs on my property, and I am digging into my savings to get a fence up. I can't believe this is my life right now. Edit: so sorry - I put up the trigger warning but edited out the violence I think subconsciously because I didn't want to upset anyone. When Todd came around one time a neighbor of mine who knows what's been happening went up and told him I don't want him there and asked him to leave and Todd shoved her down to the ground and raised a fist like he would strike her but then drove off. I have the footage and sent it to her in case she wants to press charges. Relevant Comments OOP might be in danger if she stays in the area OOP: It's why I tried to go to the police, but they aren't doing anything. The best I can do right now is not be in the predictable spaces I used to go to and try to prepare to move. Does the police have the footage from OOP? OOP: The police have everything. I have an ongoing email thread with the Sgt complete with links and folders and all the footage and photos I have. They haven't done anything and say that if my neighbor presses charges they have the footage on file. Commenter: What country/state are you located. That could have a lot to do with stalking laws that vary from place to place. If you’re in a place that has good stalking laws, take your evidence to the women’s advocate for domestic violence. OOP: I am in a southern state of the USA. I am learning from talking with people that it’s not uncommon that police aren't all that helpful in cases like this.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Trigger Warnings: mentions hate crime Update #3: May 13, 2026 (nearly 20 months later) Posting on my own account for anyone who cares... Been a minute. I almost didn't update because most updates I see are either the best or worst and I didn't want to disappoint but therapy, time, and a chosen family helped me to realize, FUCK THAT. I should be proud of my journey and I am. I'm doing this on the move so sorry if it's jumbled. It has been a little over a year now since my last update and I honestly never thought I would come back here again. For a while I couldn't even look at this account without feeling physically sick...that’s what dealing with abuse looks like. I never would have imagined he abused me before I started this account but turns out? He did. Emotional abuse is a sneaky bastard and it got me so yeah I didn’t want to come back to the account that made me feel stupid at times. It felt tied to one of the worst periods of my life and for a long time I wanted to just lock all of it away somewhere and never think about it again. But life kept happening. Good and bad. Mostly quieter now. Which I think maybe is what healing actually looks like. Not dramatic happiness. Just...quiet. I moved. Not immediately after everything happened, but eventually. I realized I was spending more time staring at camera notifications and checking parking lots than actually living. Every car slowing near my house made my stomach drop like is it him? A friend? A member of the church? It was...hard. Every knock at the door felt like my body was preparing for impact when usually it was a food delivery. I was exhausted all the time from being scared without realizing my exhaustion. So I rented the house out. Ironically, my renters are probably the most self-sufficient people alive. They're older... veterans, and within the first month, texted me things like, “Fixed the sink. Here are pictures. Don’t worry about reimbursement.” They once repaired part of the fence before I even knew there was a fence issue. They know the history. They know why the cameras are there. They were completely unfazed by it all, which honestly helped me calm down too. My dad still checks on the property sometimes because I think retirement has him inventing side quests for himself. Speaking of him 😳, apparently, my father has secretly been a successful romance novelist for YEARS. I wish I was kidding. This man spent my childhood acting like technology was an elaborate government trap and now I find out he has apparently written multiple religious romance and historical romance novels under pen names. My siblings and I found out because one of his books got recommended in a church women’s Facebook group and the pen name in question was easy to figure out when you're in said family 🤣 annnnnnywayyyy He’s retiring soon and honestly seems peaceful in a way I haven’t seen before. Less “stern pastor dad” and more “man who wants tomatoes in his garden and to email you blurry bird photos.” lol. I happen to enjoy gardening, so I've been helping every couple weeks and it's produced a lot of produce I don't buy anymore...I just grow....🤷‍♀️ Guess he's the family community garden now lol As for Bess: she is okay, thankfully. But she ended up moving out of the country after she was targeted in a hate crime. I am not sharing details because it’s her story, not mine, but it shook both of us badly. I supported her leaving completely. I miss her all the time, but we still talk constantly and play games online together almost every week. Distance somehow has not changed her ability to aggressively mother hen me through a headset. 🤣. “Did you drink water?” “Did you eat?” “You sound tired.” “Why are you awake at 2am?” Sometimes I think if she could physically emerge from Discord like a ghost and hand me soup she would. "Andrea"... the neighbor Todd shoved? did initially want to press charges. I gave her all the footage I had. But she moved not long after and we eventually lost touch outside of occasional holiday messages. I honestly do not know what came of it legally after that. I still feel guilty when I think about her getting dragged into my mess just because she tried to help me. And Todd. I know people will ask. I have not spoken to him directly in a very long time. But there was one thing. Before I moved, I still had access to an old social media/business account I used to help manage for his side business. I can’t really explain more without making myself wildly identifiable, but I forgot I even still had access until one day I got tagged in notifications. And there it was. An announcement post. Very polished. Very church-approved. Very “God’s plan” 🙄 Todd had apparently married a woman from another church family only a few months after my last update. Which was already enough to make me stare at the screen for a full minute like “what in the Hallmark channel is this?” But THEN. The announcement mentioned they had been “quietly courting for nearly two years.” Two years. I actually laughed out loud when I read it because at that point if I didn’t laugh I think I would have evaporated into atoms. Sir. You were in MY house crying about baptism. What do you MEAN two years!? He’s also apparently an assistant pastor now which somehow feels both shocking and exactly where this was always heading. It bothered me at first in a way I can’t fully explain. Not jealousy. More like that surreal feeling when someone who traumatized you gets absorbed back into community life seamlessly while you’re still trying to remember how to sleep normally. But honestly? That feeling slowly died. I don’t spend my days angry anymore. Mostly I just feel distant from that entire chapter of my life. Like it happened to another version of me. I’m seeing someone now, very casually and very slowly. We’ve only been together a couple months and we’re intentionally taking our time. No rushing. No merging lives overnight. No dramatic forever promises. Just honesty. Quiet. Consistency. Turns out I value consistency a LOT now. Who knew right? Also I adopted a rescue dog who is approximately 80 percent pet-wh*re and anxiety. And somewhere along the way I started volunteering more heavily with rescue organizations, specifically helping people in abusive situations keep or safely place their pets temporarily. That became very important to me because one thing I learned during all of this is how many people stay in dangerous situations because they’re terrified of what will happen to their animals. A shocking number of shelters still can’t accommodate pets. So now I spend a lot of time helping with transport, fostering coordination, emergency supplies, things like that. It feels good to do something tangible. To make somebody’s world slightly less frightening for a moment. I still have rough days. Remembering still makes my chest tight. Sometimes seeing a car similar to Todd’s too many times in one day still flips some primitive switch in my brain. But I sleep normally now. I laugh easily again and more recently I actually just got tipsy and had fun singing with friends at karaoke. I go places without mapping exits first for fun. And for a long time I genuinely didn’t think I would get back to this version of myself. Anyway. That’s the update. Also if my father’s secret romance author identity gets exposed and he becomes famous on Christian Book Tok I am legally changing MY name this time because nooooooo thank you siiiiir 😅. &nbsp: DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brinz89. My family disowned me 15 years ago. Complete no contact. Now all at once they want back in my life and are stalking me. I finally confronted them. Original Post: April 17, 2025 Disclaimer. Part of this is from a post on AITA that was removed. Then added to the events of today. I don't know if this goes here. I just needed to get it out. I confronted them today and I can't stop crying or shaking. I don't know why. I don't know whats wrong with me right now. I'm finally calming down a little to get this done. So I 36 male got into some trouble fifteen years ago. I take all the responsibility for this and even to this day I carry all the shame, guilt and embarrassment for it. Also. This might come up. This is not cultural or religion. It's just shame to the family name. The situation when I was 19 my ID was stolen and being used in another state and created a situation where my driver’s license was suspended nationwide. Somehow any and all notifications from the other state never made it to me. I started doing all the necessary things I needed to do to try and fix the problem. I however had a couple of tickets in my current state that I needed to pay but couldn’t because I needed to pay my rent and keep my apartment. Also at the time my full time job was having problems and was borderline shutting down, so to try and make ends meet I was doing a lot of freelance work as well. Again my fault. I knew the company was in trouble but I was still holding out hope that things would get better. I was hoping that a couple more freelance jobs and I would be able to finally pay the tickets. This was never the case and the long story short of it I was arrested and spend two weeks in jail. Not ideal but I guess in the long run it worked out for the best by clearing the tickets in my home state. However my family felt other wise and I was completely disowned because of this. I lost everything and everyone. The only reason I still had my apartment was because I had enough to cover the rent and the freelance work kept up. It took another six months, but I was finally able to get the other state to release my driver’s license. I decided that since my family hated me I didn’t need them, so a year later I changed my last name, phone number and email. My social media is locked down so tight you would think I was hiding national security secrets. I was able to finish college and get settled into my career and at this point I’m happier than I have ever been. Enter current time and two weeks ago there was a knock on my door and it was my mom and dad. Again it had been15 years and I hadn’t spoken to them not one word. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was. “How did you find me and what are you doing here?” My mom’s response was “Five Grand to a PI. Finally a search of Facebook with just your first name found you and the PI confirmed it was you.” I responded. “You didn’t answer my second question. What are you doing here?” My mom again. “It’s been 15 years. Looking at where you are it seems you have learned your lesson and you are succeeding. You’ve missed out on a lot of things.” I ended with. “Yes I have learned my lesson. One of them is don’t think anyone will ever help you or be understanding. Even your family. And yes. I did succeed. And I did it entirely without you. Please leave and don’t ever come back.” shut the door in their face, locked it, checked the back door and closed all the curtains. I'm guessing they hung around for another fifteen minutes knocking demanding to be let in. I went back to bed, turned the fan on high and went back to sleep. I did so some research. And I have missed out on a lot. I have nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters in laws. But the truth is. I don’t know any of them and I don’t think I need to. I live a very quiet life. I can count on two hand how many friends I actually have. A friend said I may have taken it too far. That I should have given them a chance and if I didn’t like what they had to say then I could have told them to go away. I was hoping that this was going to be the end of it. But not they have taken to stalking me. I'll be completely honest... They are harmless, but just a real pain in the ass and also I have been fucking with them and having some fun with the help of a friend. He now calls them flees and will check on me asking if I have fleas or not. It's kinda funny. If I say yes then it's game on. The first night he came over and we walked down town to a really expensive restaurant that I knew they were never going to go to. Another night we went to the porn store. That was the best one. This past week the way my days off fell I had a five day stretch so I decided to go to the city for a few days. I'm walking distance to the Amtrak station and they followed me. I kept my air pods in the whole time and I know they were trying to talk to me, but I ignored the the entire time. People on the platform even were telling me that they were talking to me and I said that I know but I don't want to deal with them. The train came and I got on and left them to watch. I LOVED IT!!!!! It got to the point I finally had to acknowledge them. They weren't going to go away so we met at the park across from my apartment. I didn't hold anything back. I told them this was the one and only time I was going to talk to them. I took a page from the Matlock series and told them I was their judge. I was their jury. (Thank you Olympia Lawrence) I then told them that as far as I was concerned they were guilty of anything and everything and all I was doing was hearing what they had to say before I walked away from them. I asked them that why now after fifteen years they are demanding to be back in my life and why they made the decisions they did to disown me. They told me that I ruined the family name and that the shame I bought to the family was horrible and that this was the only way to make it right was to get rid of me. They said that recently my name has been coming up in conversation and that the "family" has grown with a lot of new people. That brother and sister in law are asking questions about who is Brinley. That I have a niece who they think I would love and get along with and the same for a nephew who was born last year and now should be the time to fix things. They said that looking at my apartment and the life I had that I must have learned my lesson about being a better person and managing my life better. I finally cut them off and told them that I couldn't stand to hear anymore. I was at the point I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I told them that I did everything completely by myself. Nobody from that life exists anymore. Not one person. That they just need to tell everyone the truth that I was in jail for two weeks and because of this the decision was made to get rid of me. I told them that I did it all on my own and that my one cousin Jean who is only a cousin by marriage was the one who was there for me hence why I took her last name. I told them that to this day I'm doing everything on my own and rely on nobody and don't need or want them in any way of my life. They made their decisions and I'm making mine. I told them this will be the last time we talk and that I would be going to see a lawyer to see if there was anything that could be done to keep them away from me and that if they continue to follow me around or show up at my apartment I would have them arrested for trespassing. And I went back home and again locked everything down, pulled the curtains and have been crying since. Update: April 23, 2025 Many of you have been asking for an update. First and foremost. Thank you all for your responses. I was overwhelmed. I read every single one. I just couldn't keep up to respond to them. I also worked some extra shifts and had some really nice over time which right now comes in handy. Please just know I was not ignoring you. I just couldn't keep up. This isn't the update that many of you were most likely hoping for. I haven not heard from my family since I confronted them. I'm hoping that it's all done and over but at the same time I'm thinking they are trying something else. I wanted to address some other things. Many are saying they are out for money or body parts. That they see I'm successful and such. I can't see this being the case. I truly don't think it's money. If they were able to drop $5,000.00 for a PI then I can't see them hurting financially. My dad worked as a ORD for his entire career and made good money. My mom worked for a global corporation as a historical document manager. I didn't ask but I'm thinking that they might even still be working. Others said maybe they need body parts. I can't see this being the case either because all of these would have been mentioned the first or the last time we talked. People have mentioned they see me successful and want in on it and take the credit saying that they are responsible for that in how they treated me. I'm successful in my own way. My education is in Healthcare Management and I work as a Unit Secretary. I have been here for a while and I truly love my job. I'm at the top of my pay scale and thats okay. I have made a life for myself. Yes I do have some money stashed away. I live below my means to do what I have done. I'm single no kids so it has allowed me to save money. And now on with the update. (This is a long update because it's part of a conversation I had with my cousin.) I have not heard from any of them since the last meet where I confronted them. I'm hoping that they are just gone at this point. I truly don't want anything to do with ANY of them. I don't care that I have nieces or nephews or that I have new brother and sister in laws. I would have to know my sister and brother and my parents to know all these new people. And frankly all of them are strangers. And it just brings up a lot of bad emotions. My cousin Jean is the only person who I have anything to do with and she has been my rock. I can't begin to thank her enough for all she has done. She has been on vacation for a few weeks so she doesn't know much of what happen. She got back and came over the other night. She showed up with wine, pizza and cheesecake. God I love that women. I opened the door and was greeted with "The wise women has arrived and has brought the makings of a great evening." I started crying to her response. "However it looks like I should have arrived a few days ago." She set everything on the counter and just hugged me to get me calmed down. Finally as she opened the wine and fixed up dinner I told her everything. At the end she got a vindictive smile on her face and was like "We need it to talk. It's time for some family secrets to be told. First she started with telling me that regardless of what others had said what happen wasn't my fault. I was stuck in the perfect storm which just blew up. She told me she saw my folder that had all of the work I had done to fix the problem. But it just didn't go fast enough. She reminded me that I didn't kill anyone, I didn't deal drugs or anything like that. I was stuck in a situation that didn't get fixed fast enough. She went on to tell me that it was no surprise that when I did the name change that I chose the one I did. Come to find out it was the last name I was born under which was my Grandmothers (my mothers mother) last maiden name. Jean "Don't let your parents fool you. They are not the pure pillars of community that they want you to believe." I have always known that their relationship was not the best. But when I was born they were split up and my mom was trying to hide me from my dad. My Grandparents didn't like him so it was decided to give me my grandmothers family name. She was getting more and more pissed off as she spoke. "So lets talk about names since they are so hell bent of how you shamed the family name. Your mother was the one who was born under the influential names. Her mothers family the name you took was pretty much owned two of the local towns in our county. Your grandfathers name owned owned a few businesses in a different town. Your fathers family was never heard of. They were from a different state and moved here for work purposes. Your dad has been riding off of your mothers name and connections. Even to this day your dads family is pretty much a bunch of unknowns. On top of that. Even if your Grandparents were alive they would have been completely behind you and wouldn't have bought into that whole bull shit of shaming the family name." The only time I ever saw her in a mood like this was when I was in college and when she introduced herself to the class she looked square at me and made it clear that she had no favorites. All of this has really made me look at my parents in a different way. And none of it's positive. It just reaffirms what I want even more which is for them to just go away and never come back. To the small few of you saying this is fake, fan fiction and what not. Go for it. Apparently all of you live in perfect worlds with perfect families and you most likely say the same thing to every post you read. I couldn't give two shits, a flying fuck or a rats ass what you think. I just need to get this out. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/HygorBohmHubner to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dealing_with_a_Crazy Me [37 M] trying to deal with [24 F] potential stalker TRIGGER WARNING: stalking Original Post June 5, 2015 So I have what my buddies describe as a crazy dream. I have this really hot new hire that seems to be into me, which would normally be great but she is also super young and potentially a stalker. Here is the deal. We work in the same building but not on the same project or anything. We cross paths in the cafeteria and in the garage but outside of that don't really interact on a daily thing. Our first meeting was back in April at an office happy hour thing. It seemed to be a pleasant conversation and we hit it off for a few hours and then went our separate ways. We would cross paths a few times in the hall or the company cafeteria, but would just smile or stop and make small talk. Then about two weeks ago I was sitting having lunch outside by myself and she came and joined me out of the blue. We laughed and joked and then finished up and I went back to work. When I came out that night to leave for work she was sitting on my motorcycle waiting for me. She asked if I would take her for a ride around the block but I explained to her that I only had one helmet and riding in our city without one could get us a ticket. I know weak excuse and my buddies gave me flack for it, but honestly I am weird about safety when I ride. I told her maybe another time then went home. Two days later I am at my gym finishing up and I get a tap on my shoulder. Its the intern! We talked and she told me she just joined, to which I thought nothing about and then I went on my way. Now I am not going to like, I was thinking of maybe asking her out, but I really don't want to screw around with my job and career just over a hot girl whom I may or may not have anything in common with. I talked it over with my friends and well many feel the same way with a few that live for the moment and others that put more thought into actions. The next day (last week) she joins me for lunch again. We get to talking some more and she told me she wasn't sure about joining a gym but after talking to a few people and seeing that I worked out there she decided to give it a shot. Fast forward to last night where I get a strange knock on my door. I open it up and who is there, you guessed it the Intern girl. She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to go out for dinner and some beers. Now I am a bit creep-ed out and ask her to how she knows where I live, to which she states she peaked at my employee file (she works in HR as an intern there). I tell her this is not acceptable and ask her to leave because I already have plans to which she apologizes and leaves. Now I know she is young, so some of this might be impetuous mistakes, but I am honestly a little freaked out by this. I don't know if I should report this to HR (where she works) or let this go. I mean I don't think I've done anything to lead her on, I have not asked her out, slept with her, or even do anything outside of have lunch with her. I'm not trying to get her fired nor ruin my career in any way. One of my friends seems to think if I just went out with her she would calm down, but I don't think I want to encourage the behavior and end up with a dead animal nailed to my door or something. I am not sure if I go to HR and say "hey, your intern is looking into my personal file and showing up where I work out and at my home" if they would believe it. She also seems genuinely nice and sincere in conversation so I don't want to ruin her life if it was just a stupid mistake we make as a kid type thing. I also don't want to assume that because of this she is interested in me then try to have a talk with her and have her come across as if I'm at fault here. What is the best way for me to protect myself and proceed from here? Am I over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing? tl;dr: Met an intern at company happy hour, she went into my HR file and started appearing where I hang out. Not sure how to deal with the situation. RELEVANT COMMENTS [deleted] Do not excuse this because she is "young". I am 25 and work in the corporate HR world.... I would be fired for doing something as violating as what she has done. Looking in an employees file to obtain and use their information is a huge NOPE. I think it is important to think about this in reverse.... would a 37 yr old woman feel the same as you if a 24 yr old male coworker showed up at her doorstep admitting he looked at her employee files? She is a liability to you and to the company you work for. You need to report this, I'm actually shocked you have not. Edit: I would hate to work for a company with an HR advisor/director like her one day. She is willing to cross the line of trust. OOP Well I just came back from HR. My main concern was because she works with them and that her age and sex it would look like something I caused or take her side. You know how certain departments protect their own or keep it internal. I spoke to the HR director directly and told her about what has been going on. She asked if I had any proof of any of this, which outside of maybe a few of my friends eating lunch with us, I really don't. She did say she would look at the HR system as that tracks all movement to see if anyone has accessed my files. In the meanwhile I am to try to keep my contact with her to a minimum, which is not a problem for me. I can not control if I see her at the gym, but outside of that I have pretty much told HR and now have to wait to see what they will do. Update June 8, 2015 (3 days later) So taking a few of your advices I reached out to the head of my department and shot him an email over the weekend explaining my situation and my talk with the HR Director. After that I went about my weekend and put it out of my mind. With that said, there were a few times when my phone would go off I go would get a bit nervous that I would get a message or call from her, but that subsided. In fact, when I walked through the doors this morning I really had started feeling better about the whole situation; like everything was back to normal. An hour had passed then all of a sudden my department head pulled me into his office and sat me down. He and I go way back to when I first started working here so he told me that he had talked to HR and that he was not allowed to discuss anything with me until they had spoken to me first. He then told me to consider my options before I signed any paperwork, then walked me up to HR. Now I am a grown man, but I have to admit that the walk and elevator ride up to HR was the most uncomfortable silence and nerve wracking experience I had experienced in a while. It was like being marched to the Principal's office and you were not sure why. My stomach was in knots and thoughts of getting a lawyer or finding a new job started jumping into my head. By the time I had sat down in the HR director's office I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. The HR director sat me down and went over what I had reported on Friday before leaving for the day. She kept saying that she wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving out any detail or if I had any video or audio proof of what I claimed. At this point I felt like I was on trial for something so I started asking why I would have any of that or be even prepared to document my life in such a way when up till her showing up to my house I had never put anything thought about her being anything other than friendly. She then told me they found that my records had been reviewed as well as others, but I was the only one that had come forwards with anything. As many of you can imagine I was confused at what was going on and a bit scared, so I asked her flat out what is going on. She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance. The company would not bring up legal recourse against the intern unless I wanted to. There was mention of offers for counseling and such, but I let them know I wouldn't be needing it as nothing outside of her showing up happened. They let me know I have 48 hours to take all the paperwork to my lawyers and think about what I would like to do. But as of right now I don't think I have anything to worry about. I talked to my director after the meeting and he told me that the company at this time is afraid I will sue, which he doesn't recommend, but I don't have to worry about my job. I told him I wouldn't be pressing charges against her as she had already lost her job and well, I feel like that would be taking it too far. He had a different feeling about it, but also told me that he might have handled the situation differently if he wasn't married and it had happened to him. Over all I feel relieved and wanted to thank everyone that had given the advice before tl;dr: Intern Fired, 2 years of free credit monitoring and protection, have to bring documents to lawyer and decide if I want to press charges. Edit Punctuation RELEVANT COMMENTS [deleted] "She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance." Sounds like they are massively trying to cover their asses, and doing a good job of it really. Bottom line - you could sue if you wanted to. I personally wouldn't because you really haven't been wronged in any major way and they seem to be doing the right thing by you. Having that kind of lawsuit in your professional history would be bad for you personally. OOP Well, I already knew I wasn't going to sue unless I got fired. Pretty much I'm one of those guys that isn't out looking for blood or a quick payment. I like where I work, I like what I do most of the time, so I really never would want to do anything except clear my name if things had turned out the other way. With that said. No I won't sue or press charges, the only thing I plan to do is bring the documents to my lawyers to make sure that I don't miss a clause in legalese that says by accepting this document my first born child will be named bacon narwhal junior and I have to cut my left testicle off with a rusty spoon after Monday. You know... basic stuff. What were the documents? Well, one is an NDA stating standard stuff. One packet is for the identity theft protection stuff. One packet is for the use of the lawyers.One packet is for pursuing legal matters against Intern And one Packet is a standard acceptance and acknowledgement of what I brought to HR, what has happened to lead me to this point in my life, what was discovered, what was done, that legally I promise this is all true, etc. The last document is the one I have marked for my lawyer to read first because that is the one that while I am certain is standard (I guess, I have never been in this situation before) is the one that I don't want to sign right away. I'm pretty sure that it states that if they get sued by her for wrongful dismissal it was due to my statement and actions. Final update June 9, 2015 (1 day after 1st update) One Final post... I don't see this warranting another update post so. Lawyers reviewed and drafted up a response statement I signed 3 out of all of the packets and submitted the response statement with the 4th /5th (its really not a packet just a sheet of paper). I know many of you say report her and press charges, but here is the thing. According to my lawyer that kind of makes her unemployable. I'm not looking to ruin her life, but restraint orders and charges pressed makes her really unemployable. I'm not saying this for any other reason as to be a simple human being. The letter I submitted states that I am taking this chance and reserve the rights to press charges / restraining orders for a later date if further contact peruses. As for the Identity theft and such, I plan to take full advantage of it and have requested a request of proof that there was a breach to my information through the HR department. This I am told is only to be used if I do have my identity stolen so that I can assist with stopping it and from talking to HR this isn't a problem. I know I need to protect myself, and I realize that this could be potentially dangerous (even more so than the motorcycle riding, snow boarding, or what ever other stupid choices in my life). However I don't feel the need to push the envelope and ruin another human's life. She is already unemployed and may have a hard time finding another job in the field. I don't wish to compound that in such a way as to make her unemployable. I also wanted to thank each and every one of you that took time out of your day to read this and a special thank you to those of you that gave such great advice. FINAL COMMENTS pizza_partyUSA I think it's really nice of you that you aren't pressing charges. Granted, I've never had anyone stalking me, so I may feel different if I had more experience. Much like you, I'm sure, I hope her getting fired for it was enough of a shock to make her stop. Of course, if she tries to contact you again at all, you should DEFINITELY do something. Your safety is far more important. Her mistakes are her own problem. OOP Oh, I plan to. Honestly if I came across her say in a grocery store I'm not going to freak out and be like "OMG YOUR A STALKER". If she shows up at my place again then I would be like "Hey, look you seem like a good kid but your going about this the wrong way. Don't come by here again anymore. If you do, if I see you I'm going to have to get a restraining order'. Or something along that lines. I'm not bullet proof, stab proof, or even poison proof, but I am not going to live my life in fear of 100lb little girl. ~ TheHamburgerlar Well then... that escalted quickly.If you're sastisfied with their handling of the situation then you're good. I'm sure it's just a way for the company (espceially big corporate companies) to cover any possible loophole for you to sue. Good job on the way you handled it, I think I would've ended up sleeping with her and been all sorts of shit with HR and lost my job..... note to self: Don't bone co-workers. Thanks for the update! Great posts. OOP Yeah I would be lying if I say that if she hadn't shown up at my place and we had just hung out like we were doing, I probably would have been more receptive to the idea of pursuing something outside of the workplace, especially if she was a short term intern. nwpeters Um, listen. As a guy who was stalked in my 30's, lemme just say this: keep your head on a fucking swivel, bc it is not at all cool when you are walking up to your front door after a long day, and out of nowhere 110lbs. of sobbing lustful confusion tackles you from behind begging to talk/sex/come inside/whatever you want, just so long as you interact with her crazy self. Seriously, her showing up at your place when she shouldn't have had your address gave me flashbacks. People like this simply do not understand social norms (or maybe they think they just don't apply to them, IDK). SO yeah. Keep an eye out. She may well want to talk to you now. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nellynervous My (24f) co-worker (50f) blamed me for my miscarriage but is now frustrated I won't talk to her Originally posted to r/relationship_advice TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace, harassment Original Post March 6, 2019 Exactly what the title says. My coworker/'friend' has been in a sour mood because I was given 'lenient' clock in clock out times the week of my miscarriage ( I took no days off, and only came in and left early the first two days as the cramps were horrible) finally, after she was being talked to about coming in late she came after me, yelling at me asking me why I'm not in trouble as well and how it is not fair she is getting yelled at but I'm coming and going 'as I please'. Me, thinking we were friends, confided to her that I had a miscarriage. Her response? 'I told you you were pregnant! Why the hell are you here? You need to be home! This is why you had the miscarriage! You don't care about yourself, you're being selfish working when you should be letting your body recover. What is wrong with you? You are being so stupid! You don't take care of yourself and then you wonder why you had a miscarriage. Come on, really. Who do you think you're telling this to? I'm a woman! I have gone through things like this! Don't look surprised if you find you can't get pregnant after this. Honestly, take care of yourself. ' And then with that she announced she was going on break and I sobbed in the bathroom. I pulled myself together and didn't speak to her the rest of the day. Then it was the weekend then she was sick and was gone and then she had a family emergency and has been back but I've moved desks. I'm hurt and angry and honestly, am not her friend. Today she tried to send me a birthday gift and I refused. She is pissed and doesn't understand my change in attitude. She also tried to coordinate breaks with me. I, of course, insisted that I break at a different time. This is making her frustrated and I am honestly at a loss for words on how to explain to her why I no longer want to engage socially with her. I am completely amicable to her professionally otherwise. How do I explain to her I don't want to be friends with her anymore? Is there a way I can do it without causing her to 'explode'? TLDR: worker got upset for getting yelled for being late to work, tried to come up to me and asked me why I didn't get in trouble, I explained that I miscarried my pregnancy and she blamed me for overworking myself and causing the miscarriage and that I shouldn't be surprised if I can't get pregnant again. Now, after not acknowledging me for a couple of weeks she came to my desk with a bday gift acting like nothing ever happened and is upset I didn't accept the gift or want to have lunch together RELEVANT COMMENTS [deleted] Forget being friends. Go see HR. Now. Use the words "she is creating a hostile work environment." Perhaps visit r/legaladvice first, to check the exact legal issue. Hopefully the management can rein her in. Or even sack her, for this appalling bullying. OOP It's been a couple of weeks since the initial confrontation. I didn't say anything because I thought it would blow over. Is there still time to tell my boss about it? My boss is the 'lets all talk it out' kind of guy and am extremely hesitant to go that route. [deleted] Go that route. The delay is irrelevant. Say you were too shocked to process it at the time, but now you've thought about it, and plus how badly she's behaved since, this can't be ignored any more. Fuck "lets talk this out". Like I say, run this past r/legaladvice before you meet the boss. If presented properly, he should spontaneously shit his pants at the potential liability here. ~ currently_distracted Is your coworker from another culture? The way she reacted is similar to some older immigrant ladies I know, and it’s their way of showing they care. Not saying it’s right by any means (it’s awfully rude and totally wrong), but it’s probably what was modeled to them as well. Definitely talk to HR about this. And maybe also tell her what she said was really offensive, and you don’t care to continue your relationship with her. Maybe she’ll think twice next time before she verbally vomits on her next victim. OOP She is a first generation immigrant from the Bahamas. & She's been in country for 20 years. She has had outbursts when she doesn't get her away. She hymns and Haws when our manager lectures her on something and always says everything she can to dismiss herself of any wrong doing but usually it was just an eye roll and a "Yeah, sure Carol. That sucks" (not her real name) she also openly complains about how mean her husband is for not letting her spend money on new bags, clothing, etc. (But will gush over him randomly and show pictures of them going to dinner, vacation, etc.) Again, it was just treated as a quirk in the office. She's always been friendly or funny otherwise. She brings things to pot luck and signs the birthday cards, etc. I know the guys in the office avoid her like the plague but I just assumed it is because she always gives unsolicited dating advice and likes to talk about her until she's blue in the face. I hadn't minded listening to her before because I didn't mind the conversation while typing. The thing that really got to me is I feel like she was directing her anger on me and grilling me as to why I wasn't in trouble. ~ [deleted] Just my opinion, if she is actually clueless as to why you won't talk to her I don't think she deserves an explanation anyways. OOP No when I refused the birthday gift (first time she has acknowledged my existence since the outburst) I explained I wasn't comfortable taking it after what happened. She kept saying 'Wow, Okay, I see how it is!" The reason I haven't responded to comments really is because she tried reporting me for 'not giving her important information.' and ' causing an interruption in her work day' I spoke with my boss about it. It's ridiculous to say the least. There is a lot to unload now. Don't know where to start. Update: First, thanks for the support. I didn't expect this to blow up like it did. Yes, we are getting through it and doing okay. Second, she ended up submitting a false report saying I interrupted her work day and withheld important information. It is false. I have witnesses, I was never alone with her, she had no details on what was held nor did she have any proof and when asked to clarify, she couldn't think of anything. I will update the rest tomorrow as now that she put a complaint on me (and it is very plainly false) it's gotten a lot crazier. Update March 7, 2019 (Next Day) It's been a long day. First, I want to again thank everyone for their love, support, and advice. I wasn't able to answer everyone but know I tried to read all of them. Thank you. So, this morning ended up being a meeting with my boss. Now, yesterday I was given a run down of how she made a complaint of interrupting her work day and not being told important information. She did have an 'example' but it was very stupid one. Co-worker when she was at my desk had apparently been staring at my screen. She saw that the usual application to log data we use wasn't up and went straight to assuming I wasn't working. What she didn't know is me and two other senior employees were using a new application that we will be switching over to and was running on that application (with the old one minimized) she then came back to ask about lunch and saw 'I still didn't have the application up' and went running to boss to tell him I wasn't on the application and I wasn't working, making it hard for her as she had to pick up the slack. My boss calmly assured her that I was working on a different application and all productivity is monitored (I get my shit done) she then, not wanting to be wrong I guess, doubled down and was upset I hadn't communicated that to her. I didn't even know. My boss asked her to elaborate on that and she brought up the application again and I guess they talked in circles for a bit. He let her know that he takes these matters seriously and asked her for any examples of me not communicating. She had nothing. When I spoke to my boss, at this point I was upset. I finally just told him what happened and explained what happened yesterday. He was not pleased. He did let me know I don't have to explain myself and that next time if I'm in that situation to go straight to him. He offered his condolences for my loss. As for her, she is no longer allowed to speak to me. Anything work related must be done through the messenger we have or email. Though, he assured me that as we are working on different applications, she shouldn't be reaching out to me. She has a laundry list of people to ask before me. He told me to document everything. Anything she does say document it for the time being and be as curt as possible. Today, she hasn't been around me. She even moved her monitor and keyboard so she's facing away from me. She hasn't said a word all day. It's been a wave of relief for me. TLDR: coworker tried to report me for something stupid, it didn't work. She is now not allowed to speak to me. Update: Wow, my first gilding! I'm very touched. Again, the warm wishes and all the condolences are touching. I never thought my thread would get this much attention. I also wanted to give out my condolences and internet hugs to everyone who has shared their stories and loses as well. It truly helped me to not feel so alone. I'm sorry for anyone who had to or has to go through a miscarriage. It's a scary thing and a very weird and sudden feeling of loss and empty feeling. I hope its gotten or it will get better from here. Thank you. FINAL COMMENTS pokinthecrazy Damn. If your coworker isn't looking for a new job, she's a fucking idiot. Telling her not to speak to coworkers? That's a bold move - sounds like he thinks she is creating a hostile work environment. OOP Well as I mentioned before she makes the male employees uncomfortable because she likes to ask prying questions and give relationship advice, unasked. So, I don't know but I am also just mostly relieved that I have back up from my boss. I think another thing that he really seemed to stress is when she tried to report me from how he phrased it (professionally) was that she wanted me in trouble, she didn't care how. Also, I find it funny that she tried to report me for slacking when it's no secret she is the slowest ( or at least on of them) to submit her work. ~ DaxIsAName I’m sorry the situation had escalated all the way up to your boss. That couldn’t have been an easy conversation to have about such a private matter. I’m happy though that she’s finally leaving you alone, and I hope you can move forward in peace at your job again. OOP It wasn't and I wasn't expecting him to be so sympathetic because he doesn't have kids and is an old army man. It was like a wave of relief after our meeting. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Plastic_Eagle7784 Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk Would I be the Jerk if I told on my sister for cheating? Trigger Warnings: manipulation, threats, domestic abuse, victim blaming Original Post: March 1, 2026 Throwaway because you’ll see I walked in on my sister with a man at a restaurant and they were holding hands and kissing. She panicked when she saw me and started crying. She begged me not to tell anyone and that she would leave her AP, who looked very angry at both of us. She said she couldn’t hurt her husband and to give her time to do it in her own time and that she is ending her affair. Her AP said that if I told on them they will be together, so she is really not hurting them but their loved ones. My sister looked angrily at him and told him to stfu and leave. Then she begged me to stay out of it and in return she promised to never see this dude again. She immediately left before my company arrived. I told my bf everything and he said stay out of it (editor’s note: OOP made the next two updates throughout the day) Update #1: So I texted my sister that she had 2 weeks to tell her husband but didn’t and that I will tell him now. She didn’t answer me and left me on read This is what I want to send him “I am sorry to do this, but you should ask (sister’s name) about a guy named (his name) and about the time I saw her having dinner with him the day before valentine. I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I wasn’t sure, but I would have wanted to know if this happened to me and you’re like a brother to me” Does this sound good? Update 2: So my sister just answered me (after almost 2 hours on read) after I sent the text to her husband. “Sweetheart, please don’t tell him yet. I promise to tell him. I already ended my relationship. I don’t have any money to leave yet, and he will take away my credit cards if he finds out. All I want is some time and I will come clean. I swear” So I told her that I already texted him everything. She only wrote “he will kill me, please don’t tell him. I ended my relationship. Don’t worry about stds I am clean and my husband hasn’t touched me in years” because I told her it was unfair if he caught a std because of her affairs I didn’t answer her, then she texted again “you really told him? He will hurt me, please don’t tell him yet. I will tell him, but I need money” I texted that I already sent him the text and that it was on read now. She answered “he will kill me” Then I told my bf and he started yelling at me about how he told me not to get involved and called me a stupid cow and left and now he doesn’t answer my calls. So this is my update. Didn’t expect things to escalate tonight already. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Give her a couple days to tell him herself. If she doesn’t, that man deserves to know either way. Your sister is a terrible person OOP: This happened 2 weeks ago Commenter 2: How long were you with your b/f? At no point did he say “I think your sister is being abused? “ or “are you sure your sister is ok?” OOP: He said it once if I remember correctly about a year ago during Christmas. If my sister was okay because he saw my brother in law grabbing her face. I was surprised so I went to check and they were where he said they were but laughing and talking. I told him that and he said alright your in law is a bit of a douchebag Commenter 3: This is messy but lowkey your bf is right. Stay out of it. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t lie. You just accidentally unlocked a side quest you never signed up for. If you tell, you blow up her marriage and your relationship with her. If you don’t, you’re carrying info that isn’t yours to fix. OOP: My bf doesn’t like her husband. Not sure why but they don’t get along OOP on the location where this took place OOP: It was an Italian restaurant. I was meeting my friends on a girl’s valentines day, and she was there intertwined with a stranger, this happened the day before valentine Commenter 4: OP, if the roles were reversed, and your sister knew that your boyfriend was cheating on you and didn’t tell you how would you feel? Or how would you feel if she did tell you? This is honestly a no wind situation for you, so you have to go with your heart. OOP: Of course I would want to know Commenter 5: Well, this is a hard one. YIKES. How close are the two of you. Is this a surprise, given her past and history? Are there kids involved? OOP: We are not very close since she’s 7 years older than me, but she’s been my idol and role model growing up. No I was very shocked about it I would never have believed it from her since she’s very shy and sweet. My sister doesn’t have children. Her AP has small children OOP on if her sister's AP would leave his family OOP: He did leave his family Commenter 6: So you’re fine with her potentially being hurt by her boyfriend because she’s a cheater, is this correct? Like you can’t stand the idea of this guy being cheated on unknowingly, god FORBID. But if your sister, who you love and grew up with, ends up in the hospital or the morgue? Oh well. What?! YTJ for that detail alone (unless you can say with 100% certainty that she’s lying I guess). It doesn’t necessarily seem that uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find comfort outside that relationship, so I have absolute sympathy for her if that’s how it actually is in this situation. I actually think that’s like the one time cheating is fine to me. Reddit has me messed tf up every time I log in. Lmao OOP: Apparently she’s not lying. But I never knew. Nobody knew. Just my bf suspected because he recognized the signs with his mom and dad’s relationship I already knew he never liked him, but he never told me why. That’s why he left when he saw her texts and he ended things with me and he doesn’t answer his phone Commenter 7: Are there things about your BIL that you don't know? Like, have you ever suspected that he is physically abusive to her? Or has your sister ever hinted this before? There are complicated reasons why people cheat, sometimes. The damage is done, though. OOP: No never. She never hinted and I never saw anything   Update: April 22, 2026 (over 1.5 months later) Update: my sister has left her husband and is together with her AP now Thanks for still asking about me. My bf and I are broken up now. He refuses to speak to me. I have not talked to my sister more than once since that happened. I found out that my bf went to my sister’s house and arrived 15 minutes before her husband and apparently it was a good thing according to my sister because he saw my bf and didn’t do anything to her and she packed her stuff and left. She didn’t tell anyone where she went but it was at my ex-bf’s parents. She is planning on moving away. Not sure what that means for her AP because he has children and I don’t know how the custody arrangement works. My parents are a bit cold towards me. Told me I should have talked to them. But they seem happy for my sister. I don’t feel well about any of this. I lost my bf whom I still love. I feel very lonely. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: You are blaming everyone else for your actions. You got involved in something that did not concern you and your liking your sisters husband is not a valid reason for inserting yourself into their private business, people have no idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage. Your sister could have been dealing with dv, her husband may have anger issues, you could have put her in serious danger all because you didn’t want to stay out of her business. I have never known a situation where only one person is to blame, it takes two people to keep a relationship going and the same two people to allow it to fall apart. When you get the urge to butt into someone’s business again, resist the urge. OOP: She never said anything about it Commenter 1: Is your comment is in reference to dv? Because 52% of dv victims do not report it, not even to family. Dv victims are groomed by their abusers not to say anything, or it will get worse for them, and they know it’s true because reporting it without the financial ability to get to a safe place often leads to death. Over 1200 women are killed annually by her intimate partner. Over half of all female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by a current or former male intimate partner. If your comment is about challenges in their marriage that she didn’t tell you about, I have to say, I wouldn’t tell you either, you obviously can’t mind your own business. I don’t see how you can be surprised your bf left you, how does he trust you after he asked you not to do something and you totally disregarded him and did it anyway. I’m not surprised by your parent’s reaction either, they clearly saw something you weren’t in-tuned enough to notice or your sister talked to them because she could trust them. You brought this on yourself and have nobody to blame but yourself. You got your karma when you decided you knew more about your sister’s business than she did and even after being told by your sister that you would be putting her in danger, you did it anyway. Thank goodness your ex-bf was aware enough to go to her house and smart enough to then get himself out of a relationship where there is no trust. OOP: My parents didn’t know either. Nobody knew she was in an abusive marriage, and it makes it harder for me to understand why you cheat on someone as violent as her soon to be ex is. Very reckless. I wish she told us and left him before starting a relationship with a married man Commenter 2: It sounds like she was being abused by her husband. I understand wanting to reveal what's happening. Your Ex sounds too involved... but also like he knew that her husband was dangerous? A plan where he is told and protect your sister from being physically abused may have been necessary and that's why your ex told you to stay out of it... I feel like you left out some things to make it seem more righteous than it was... Obviously, your sister is a cheater, her soon to be ex-husband deserved to know... but if there was a danger to her wellbeing, then that needed to be considered and accounted for. OOP: I didn’t leave anything out. Unfortunately everything came out later when my sister left her husband Commenter 3: My interpretation of your initial post was that a year ago, your EX told you he saw something abusive between your sis and husband, and you skipped past that because you didn’t see it yourself. Do you consider yourself a perceptive person? Only you can answer that. Like you, I also care deeply about doing the right thing, but if I had any doubt about possible abuse, I wouldn’t have sent the text. At least without connecting with her and your parents. Good luck to you. It sounds like you felt you were in an impossible place…. But there is a heavy cost, I guess. OOP: Yes I don’t remember all the details now, but he said that they didn’t know someone was watching and her husband had strange demeanor and grabbed her and she looked scared then they noticed my exbf and both looked normal again Commenter 4: Sounds like your ex was too involved in your sister’s life. It’s one thing for him to want you to stay out of it, but another to show up at her place, invite her to stay with his parents and such. Are you sure there was nothing going on between them? OOP: He isn’t. More than he said he recognized his parents relationship. Now my sister lives with his mom and her husband Commenter 5: The bf saw the dv op’s sister was being subjected to, bf’s mother was a dv survivor and is helping the sister get out of a horrific situation. Women helping women. OOP: Apparently not only him but his parents too, well his mom and step dad. Apparently he’s been telling his mom about my sister and her marriage since he and I met. There’s nothing romantic going on if that’s what you’re suggesting. My sister is way older than is and she has a partner. My bf has no interest in her either   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/rulesrulesrules7 Me [25 F] with my boyfriend [25 M] duration 7 months. My boyfriend is very jealous and keeps making "rules" for me to follow TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, infidelity MOOD SPOILER: An amazing ending for OOP Original Post Apr 4, 2015 Hello, everyone. I have a bit of a weird predicament to share with you. I have been dating my boyfriend ("Peter") for about 7 months now. When we get along, we get along spectacularly. Our chemistry is off the charts, we're playful, we're both driven, we have similar interests (same career path, both read for leisure, both interested in exercise). I've been told by many friends that they can just sense how much we care about each other and that we have the same disposition: calm, relaxed, sweet. If not for the following stuff, I would be head over heels for him. Hell, I already am when he's not acting this way. So this stuff started happening about a month in. Peter is an extremely jealous person. He's admitted this to me. He can also be a bit judgmental and conservative. The following is a list of things he's asked me to do for him throughout the course of our relationship. I haven't asked for anything like this in return and I've even asked him if he feels like I've done the same and he's said no: No cursing. No low-cut shirts. No weed (not a big deal, I've smoked < 10 times and was okay with giving this up for him). He prefers me to not get "drunk." Not a big deal, I don't drink a lot, but it kind of sucks that I can never let loose and get tipsy with my friends without a comment from him. No perverted jokes: with him, or anyone else. He says the jokes would be funny if a guy said them but they're not funny when I do it. No using a joking "little kid" voice with friends - even girls. No talking about other guys around him because he thinks I'm trying to make him jealous. No talking about past relationships, even though he does this. No emoticons in texts with other guys. No exclamation points or sounding "too flirty or happy" when talking to guys. Audibly say "goodbye" when we part ways. Verbally greet him, even if I'm late to class. No speaking to male friends on the telephone or texting after 10 pm at night. Text him when I leave my apartment and I'm on the way to school. This isn't a specific rule, but if I don't text him for 3-4 hours during the day, he'll say "Oh, hi there, silent one. What have you been up to?" He likes me to stop by his study space when I get to school, before class, after class, and before I leave at the end of the day. He's stopped by my space less than 10 times in our 7 months together. He asks me if I'm "behaving" when we're not together physically. We've had a bit of a power struggle when I've wanted to go out with my group of friends. There is a structured timetable of how much I'm allowed to talk to my ex. We broke up two years ago and a half and had a year of silence. Recently, we've been speaking on facebook. (He doesn't have my phone number). It's random stuff about our undergraduate. Just friendly stuff, lighthearted. I'm only allowed to talk to him once every three weeks for 10-15 minutes. If he facebooks me and it's been outside those three weeks, I'm not supposed to respond. He still gets mad even when the ex facebooks me. I'm not supposed to "flirt" with members of the opposite sex. I don't. However, he's seen interactions between guys and me and it appears he thinks that anything along the lines of smiling, laughing, or sarcasm are grounds for flirting. He "doesn't like" easily 80% of the guys I interact with on a regular basis. There have been a few incidents that have bothered me in the time we've been together. In the interest of time, the most recent problem he and I have been having is my friend named James. James graduated last year from the program that Peter and I are in together. He's a big brother type to me. He was an assigned TA for the class I was in and I went to a study group he led. We became friends. We've been friends for three years and nothing has ever happened and neither James nor I have ever shown any interest in it. We just have similar political views and give each other dating advice on occasion. James came to visit the school and he and I got together for lunch while he was here. He was here for 3 days and I saw him once for only an hour. Before he visited, we texted back and forth maybe once every ten days. Since he visited, it's been 2-3 times a week, about 10 texts at a time. Nothing outrageous. I imagine it'll start lessening when it's been longer since his visit and exams approach. He's in a new city without a lot of friends and I enjoy talking to him. Because he's working, he usually texts me on Saturday and Sunday more than the work week. James texted me last Saturday morning. I didn't answer so he followed up with a text on Sunday. We chatted briefly about a TV show. Then he texted me again this Saturday to tell me about his date the night before. This has been driving Peter up the wall. He's demanded to see the texts back and forth. Even though I strongly object to this, as I think it's an invasion of privacy only 7 months in, I let him see all the texts. There was nothing inappropriate there (this is where the "no emoticon" rule came from though). However, Peter says that James is a "shark" and is only friends with me because he wants to date me. This is ridiculous because James and I have no feelings towards each other, act more like siblings, and are going to be living in different states for the rest of our lives. Peter causes a fight EVERY time he notices James texting me or gets pouty and silent until I ask him what's wrong, then we fight. About two hours ago, Peter gave me another rule. He wants me to arrange it so James only texts me once a week. No word yet on how many texts I would be "allowed" to exchange with him. He also says he doesn't want us talking about "intimate things." When I asked him what that entailed, he brought up that he was mad that I told James that I was going to take a nap in the last conversation we had. I only told James that as a conversation-ender so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding. Peter just seems unreasonable. I guess, here's the big problem. I feel like Peter gets mad about something, fights with me until I'm worn down, then comes up with a "compromise" which is really just him imposing another rule on me. There was a guy who liked me at the beginning of the year that I eventually just had to block on my phone because Peter got so mad about it. He's asked me twice to show him that the guy is really blocked. He really is. Same thing happened with the ex and I know his end game is me never speaking to the ex again. Peter had a jealousy issue with my friend Rob and wore me down to the point that I basically just avoid Rob now (Rob even approached to ask if I was mad at him and apologize for whatever he did). I just feel like this is going to keep happening over and over. I never get the benefit of the doubt, James is constantly afraid I'm going to be "stolen" and I feel like I teeter-totter between wanting to give him what he asks so he'll feel comfortable and feeling like it will never be enough. I feel like a caged animal. I'm afraid every time James texts me or any guy speaks to me in front of Peter. I like him so much but this jealousy is driving me crazy. I'm also afraid if we're together, I'm going to get to the point where I'm not allowed to be friendly with 50% of the population. I'm in danger of losing a total of 3 good, respectful guy friends, all of which I've known for longer than Peter. (I knew Rob for two years, James for 3, and the ex for nearly 6). I'm not a bad person or a bad girlfriend and I'm tired of being treated this way. We fight at least weekly, sometimes twice a week, over an issue like this. I just want it to stop and to be with the person I fell so hard for. But I also don't want to end up in a controlling relationship with someone who can't manage their jealousy. Any advice? Ever been on his side or mine? He's already going to a counselor but our school only provides one every two weeks and he missed his last appointment. He's open to couple's counseling but I don't know if there's a point 7 months in. Because he missed the last appointment, he hasn't brought up the jealousy thing with his counselor yet. He's willing to read books on this topic but I feel like the problem is that he won't start to get better until he really trusts me and wants to change. He says that he does but then he keeps doing this stuff. tl;dr: Very jealous boyfriend continually gives me "rules." Sample list above (not all of them). Any ideas on how to make him more comfortable? Is this fixable? Have you been on either side of something like this? RELEVANT COMMENTS MeltMyCheeseKThxBai You just presented us with a literal bullet point list of why you need to break the fuck up with him, ASAP. PETER is the shark here. And actually, you're right- this WILL keep happening over and over. Not only will it keep happening, but it will keep escalating. Here is a list for you, and I will call it "Soon." Soon, you will be afraid to walk around while looking anywhere but the ground because you don't want to be accused of purposely making eye contact with someone. Soon, you will compliantly give him access to all of your stuff to placate him and he will peruse your personal stuff regularly; many confrontations will result about your "infractions" and he will spring them on you at inconvenient times. Soon, you will not be allowed to interact or be friendly with anyone who isn't on his approved list; this will eventually include your family. Soon, while you're constantly on eggshells afraid to be accused of cheating, you will find out that he actually cheated on you. Maybe with one of those exes he likes to talk about. Because, you see, these types are so paranoid about cheating because they are cheaters and think everyone else will cheat too. Soon, if you have a job, he will be asking about your coworkers and maybe even show up there for a "surprise inspection". Don't be surprised if soon, additionally, he starts the practice of keeping you up all night fighting and not letting you sleep when he knows you have to work. Soon, you will stop butting heads about you going out with friends. This is because he will make your every attempt so miserable that you will give up to make things "easier". Soon, you will be but a shell of your former self and will wonder who the fuck that is staring at you in the mirror. Soon, he may become violent. He likely won't until he has effectively removed your support systems (friends and family) but eventually he damn near certainly will. I hope that SOON you heed the warnings and get the fuck away from this lunatic before he ruins you. Seriously, you have to get this. This is very, very bad. He will not change no matter how much counseling he gets. You modifying your behavior will NEVER change his. He is fucking dangerous and you need to end it with him NOW before he gets the chance to employ more advanced tactics on you. You are in dire need of these two books; "The Gift of Fear" and "Why Does He Do That?" I beg you, read them. Please seriously get the fuck away from this person. Edit: More stuff coming Soon to a relationship near you (will add as I think of them): Soon, he will call you "slut" and/or "whore" for the first time because "he told you not to wear that shirt". You will get upset. You also will never wear that shirt again. OOP I don't live near my family but there was a time last weekend where I was texting my family about a basketball game. We were cuddling on the couch and he took the phone away and said "Babe, can we just have 'us' time? We've been fighting all day and I just want to be with you." So that might be eminent. We fought today after James texted me about his date last night. I've been sick with a 101+ fever the past two days and cuddling with my childhood stuffed animal. He picked her up and acted like he was going to rip her arm off because he "wanted to scare me" and "see what I would do." I had to stop myself from kicking him. I've had the animal since I was 5 and she's from my dead grandmother. I don't know what I would do if she was broken. When I got her back, I tried to kick Peter out and he wouldn't leave. I ended up throwing his shoes and keys into the hallway and pushing him out the door. He took me out to lunch and then went back to the library. Now he's mad that we're going to bed angry. This was one of the texts I got this afternoon: "I know you don't want to hurt his (meaning James) feelings by telling him to take it easy on texts but you need to consider your boyfriend's feelings about this guy texting you so often every week. What he is doing is crossing my boundary. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings so I get you might not want to tell him flat out to stop texting. There are other ways. The main point is that this is too much and it is crossing a line of mine. I think once a week might be ideal and if we could reach that, it would ease my feelings. I ask that you consider my feelings. In return, I will make sure my jealousy does not lead me to imposing boundaries. You can tell him the truth: that he is crossing my boundaries and I ask that he respects me. I am being reasonable. All of our fights the last few weeks have been about this. If this goes away, then we both win and we can stay together happier." When I asked him what he's ever done in exchange for what I've given up, he said that he went through a phase of criticizing me and he's gotten better. That that was real change. Then he told me that I mean the world to him and he wouldn't go out of his way to try and fix our issues if he didn't care about me and being together for the future. I told him I wanted a break. Update May 1, 2015 (1 month later) Hi, all. Sorry that I dropped off and stopped responding all the sudden. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank you all for the outpouring of support and kindness that you showed me after my original post. I've read every single comment and PM probably 4 times and watched every lecture that was sent my way. I also went and picked up a book two days ago about controlling relationships which was recommended to me by a few redditors. I've read 160 pages so far. Honestly, I'm so turned around in this relationship that I don't know what's happening anymore. I do think that this relationship has some disturbingly manipulative and controlling elements coming from Peter. We've had several incidents in the last four weeks which have been very disheartening. Here are a sample: I went out to happy hour with friends - a guy and girl that are engaged to each other - at 5 pm while Peter studied. I guess he assumed we were eating dinner together because we eat most of our meals together. He didn't confirm that though. He knew where I was going and who I was with. I put my phone away because my friends both had their phone away and it was just us three. My phone was on silent because I had been in the library. I checked my phone every half hour or so. The last time I checked it, he had sent me a text asking about dinner and then a snarky follow up 15 minutes later. I had order an appetizer with my friends and wasn't hungry. I told him to go ahead and eat without me and we'd meet up later. I decided to go back to my friends' house to play with their dog and have another beer. Peter had told me that he was going to study until 10 pm and then wanted to spend the night together. All the sudden, Peter was mad at me for not telling him I was eating, not telling him we switched locations (even though I did, within 10 minutes of switching places) and telling me that he had right as my boyfriend to know where I was. He said I was inconsiderate and selfish. He was texting me every 10-15 minutes, angry at me, and completely ruined the night. I couldn't hide from my friends that I was upset and it was borderline humiliating. I went home by 10 pm but didn't want to see him because I was angry. He didn't apologize until the next day after we talked about it extensively and even then tried to justify it. I feel weird around my friends now that they've seen this. There was another incident when we ran into one of my good friends and I stopped to chat with her. Peter and I had spend the night together, had lunch together, and gone on a walk. I caught up with my friend for 3 minutes and then planned on walking to Peter's study space to chat for a few minutes before going back to my friend to study with her. (Peter likes to say "goodbye" even though we study like 20 ft apart, separated by a wall.) Peter got impatient, felt ignored, and walked off. Then he sent me several texts about how rude and inconsiderate I was by pretending that he wasn't there. That wasn't true at all; I was telling my friend I liked her sweater, asking her how she was, then I was going to exit with Peter to fill my water bottle and say goodbye. This blew up into a 3 hour argument via text. I had my best friend from home visiting last weekend. She stayed with me and drove 18 hours round trip in 4 days just to see me. Peter constantly texted, made passive aggressive comments if I didn't respond quickly enough, and generally was negative about me not giving him enough attention. I pointed all this out, he agreed and told me he would calm down. We all went to a dinner on her last night in town and I thought it went nicely. When Peter got out of the car, my friend made a comment that she was glad to see Peter and I getting along better. 5 minutes later, I got a text from Peter criticizing me, accusing me of not acting like a "couple" with him, acting distant, and not holding his hand. I was shocked. I thought I did a great job with the conversation, he talked for his fair share amount of time, and he got along well with my friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years. He said he hates how I "always do this." I have literally no idea what he's talking about. This wasn't a date. This was the first time he met one of the people who was most important to me and the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like a third wheel. I told him I wasn't going to argue while she was in town but obviously was upset for the rest of the night. He apologized the next day but only after a long conversation. Obviously he didn't make a great impression once my friend saw the aftermath of dinner. Peter and I had a good day on Tuesday. We had fun, were getting along, etc. I came over to his place, took a nap, he went to soccer, and then I ordered us dinner. We ate together and bonded. I checked my phone (I keep it in my backpack now, at his request) and he saw I had a text. He wanted to know who it was from and what it said. I told him it was from James, asking where I was studying this summer (my home state or school state). Peter started lecturing me about getting texts after 10 pm (it was 10:30 where we were, 9:30 where James was). He talked about how it was inappropriate, he wouldn't talk to a girl so late, and asked why James wanted to know where I was. He asked if James was planning on visiting me. James and I have no plans like that whatsoever. Later, I got chapstick out of my backpack and Peter started accusing me of sneaking around to text James back. I wasn't. He asked me three times if that's what I did. I almost left but Peter convinced me to stay. All of the sudden, I felt suspicious. I asked to see his facebook chat log so I could see when he had lasted facebooked his ex that he swears he hasn't spoken to. He refused. I ended up leaving, then coming back and saying if he wouldn't show me the same transparency he's demanded from me, it was over. He still tried to say no. In retrospect, I'm horrified by how angry I felt. I wanted to push him or hit him. I've never, ever felt like that towards another person. It's like I didn't recognize myself. He ended up showing me the log. He had a long conversation with his ex from Christmas Eve, which was laden with inside jokes, flirting, and sexual references. I asked to see his phone. Whole months were missing from his call log but he had two voicemails from her which insinuated they had some contact with each other. He swears that's all there is but almost half his call log is gone. This is something I could forgive in a normal relationship -with remorse and change - but it hurts a lot considering that he's breaking rules he's given me, lied, and been hypocritical. I feel so watched and suffocated over actual guy friends, subjected myself to structured timetables imposed by him, had an open phone policy, and he's off talking about suggestive stuff with his ex. She's blocked him now but that's not the point. He's got me to the point where I feel guilty every time a male friend talks to me and I've actually started believing that I'm doing something wrong if I laugh at a guy friend's joke. I feel sick when my phone goes off if I'm around him. I've been reading literature on controlling/abusive relationships and shared my concerns with him that he's meandering into this territory. He's been dismissive of it almost every time I've brought it up. I've had three friends tell me they're concerned based on the rules and his jealousy. He just says he has high standards and boundaries and that I would be jealous too if the roles were reversed. I don't think I would be but he insists I would. I just feel like he doesn't listen to me or take me seriously. I thought things were getting better, he said I could text James whenever I wanted and he would be less harsh/critical in general. Yesterday though, he asked if I had responded to James and why "that guy" wanted to know where I was and said it was weird James was being so nosy. I think James was just making conversation. Then, last night, I was studying with friends and Peter walked by. Peter and I had just fought (we had been at dinner 10 minutes before) and I was mid-word in conversation with a friend and just made eye contact with him and looked away. I got a text asking why I didn't smile and wave. I apologized and said it was my fault and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I then got more texts saying I was "cold" and demanding an explanation. That got me upset and I tried to tell him that the constant criticism and control was too much. That I felt like he was trying to control my emotions and make me pretend to be happy when I wasn't. He told me I was overreacting and he was tired of arguing and just wanted "to be good and nice." I feel like he starts a fight, expresses his feelings, then wants it to be over, even though the criticism and control is really wearing me down and making me agitated. I just feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to end up giving in and letting him criticize me, letting go of my guy friends, and apologizing when I mess up. That I'll just end up a shell of myself and cater to his needs instead of compromising. But I also don't think he's doing this on purpose. I think he gets insecure and doesn't know how to fix it, so he wants me to do it instead of asking himself if he's overreacting. I think that's how we get all these rules. He's fixing symptoms and not the root cause. I don't think any of this is malicious. I tried to break up with him again two days ago. He begged me to wait until after finals (8 days). Eventually I agreed but said that there would be no sleep overs or physical affection. He agreed but now he's trying to kiss me even when I tell him I don't want to kiss. Then he gets mad I'm not kissing back. He says he knows now that he's being controlling and manipulative and he'll change. But I'm not seeing any change. I just feel so confused as to whether I'm overreacting or not. I can't tell if he's actually being a little abusive and he makes me doubt myself because he doesn't call me names or hurt me physically. He wants to read the book when I'm done with it and says he'll learn from it and wants to stay with me. In 8 day finals are over. In 17 days, I graduate from law school. I just feel so bad about myself and confused. I've always been an empathetic person and emotionally intelligent person (that's usually what I'm "known for" by friends... know how to say the right thing at the right time and see things from other people's perspectives) but I feel so steamrolled. I'm also so embarrassed. I'm supposed to be this strong, capable woman and I can't even tell if my relationship is healthy. Right now, I'm planning on dumping Peter the second his final is over and blocking him on everything. I feel relief when I think about that. But I also feel scared that I'll miss him and that I'm being crazy and unwilling to compromise. That I'm throwing away something good by being dramatic. I keep trying to convince myself, apart from the question of whether he's controlling, that if I'm not happy, I can't stay with Peter. That long distance is too hard. He wants to interview at law firms in my city and plan on how to get back together in a year. I can't do that if I have any doubts and I don't want to spend another day miserable. I HAVE to dump him. I just need to make sure I do. I've already tried multiple times. I can't get talked back into this. This isn't healthy. Sidenote: He knows that I've posted on here but not what my username is and he hasn't seen the original post. It's a possibility he could stumble upon this and he would obviously recognize it because of this level of detail. TL;DR: I feel like a crazy person. I'm doubting my emotions. I know I need to break up with him but I'm so worried I'm being overdramatic and ruining something because I'm unreasonable. I know I need to get out but why am I so reluctant to? Final Update from the "Rules" girl - I did it. May 25, 2015 (24 days after 1st update) I finally did it. Today I took the last step and blocked him on all my accounts (10 minutes ago). We're going no contact. You all were right that he used the time before and immediately after finals to draw me back in. I don't really regret waiting though. I didn't want to be the reason that he ended up messing up all his finals and potentially not getting a job he wanted because of grades. That isn't the person that I want to be and I'm okay with sacrificing a few weeks of my happiness for retaining that part of myself. The following weeks were full of his apologies, assurances that he's changing, etc. But nothing changed. I realized that I didn't even want to wait around to see if he could get better because I don't want to be with him. He's not respectful of me and you can't teach respect. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with me and taking me into consideration when making plans. He wouldn't listen to me, he was dismissive of my concerns, and I just didn't feel valued, supported, or happy when we spoke. When I broke up with him, he said that's what he wanted too because my interactions with men (including James) are "inappropriate" and "not in line with his beliefs." Two months ago that would have really bothered me and I would have gotten reeled back in defending myself but I just said "You know that's not true but I'm not going to fight with you about it. I wish you the best. Goodbye." and then blocked him. I feel a little sad and lonely. It'll be weird to go from nearly constant contact and cutesy text messages to complete and utter silence but I'm hoping the payoff of not having horrible fights multiple times a week will balance that out. The good news: I graduated last week, made honor roll, got the highest award in a competitive class, I'm back in my home state, living with my parents (I adore them and get along well with them), and my bar review class starts tomorrow morning. I'm back to running and lifting multiple times a week and I'm in the process of booking up my social calendar. It'll be hard to stop checking my phone compulsively and sad going to sleep without saying goodnight to him, but I think that I'm in the best circumstances (aka not living one building away) to make this fade as gently as possible. I've reached out to a friend already and she supports my decision. I'll reach out to a few others this afternoon. The hardest part of this is letting go of the fantasy that he would get better and I could have this intense, passionate, beautiful relationship with him that was also healthy. I let his possessiveness slide because I felt so intensely cared about. But now I know what to watch out for in the future. I'm going to remain single for the rest of 2015 in an effort to build myself back up and prevent another toxic relationship. I will protect myself in the future the way I would protect a friend. I'm 25 now and I need to start taking who I date more seriously because I don't want to end up married to someone like Peter. I'm scared of the future, of being with someone like him, and of never feeling this level of passion again. I'm especially afraid that I really am all the things he accused me of being. But I know I'm doing the right thing. This is usually when he would come running to my door, knocking, waiting, and begging me to unblock him. This is the first time I won't. Thank you, so much, for your support and patience. This sub gets a lot of grief for a myriad of reasons but you all do so much good. So much more than you even know. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you that commented and especially those that direct messaged me. You all were a lifeline to me when I wasn't ready to turn to my friends. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. tl;dr: I dumped him. Got accused of sort-of cheating (again) during the break up. Feeling weird but relieved. Blocked him on everything. Just wanted to share the good news. Two years out of an abusive relationship and I'm so happy, I could burst. July 29, 2017 (over 2 years later) Two years ago, I posted some rather desperate r/relationships questions asking for help. (If you're curious the initial cry for help, starting to gather strength to leave, the jubilant break up post. I knew deep down that something was desperately wrong with my relationship but I was hellbent on fixing it. The posts were the beginning of finding my way out of what felt like a mindfog. I tried to post on relationships to let people know how it was going, in the hopes that if there were people considering leaving similar situations, they know that something better is out there. Unfortunately, relationships doesn't allow multiple posts. However, I felt an intense desire to share the "after" part of leaving an abusive relationship to let women know that there IS life after an abuser, even if they feel like their world will cease without the relationship. I hope this sub is an okay place for this. It only took about two months after my break up to know that I would 100% be okay. That moment came while I was on a family vacation and was curling my hair in the mirror. I made eye contact with my reflection. I remember being startled because I saw someone looking back that looked calm. She wasn't worried about whether she'd get called slutty, whether smiling too much at dinner would get her accused of cheating, or whether the swimsuit she chose for the pool would get her accused of "showing off" and yelled at. For the first time in a year, I felt happy, safe, and confident. I became nearly giddy realizing I hadn't been criticized in months and I felt FREE. It took so much for me to get out of the relationship. I think I was borderline addicted to the highs and lows. Every time I started to escape, I got "love bombed" (learned this term in my research post-break up) and pulled back in. I was worried nothing would ever feel as good as that relationship. However, I followed all the “standard break up advice” and worked out, reconnected with friends, started up new hobbies and (very importantly!) went to counseling. It was a long road, but a much easier one than I originally expected. And at the end of it, I was happy. Here's a list of things that have happened to me in the last two years that have been better than that relationship: Passing my state's bar to become a lawyer; Starting a new job where I feel challenged and respected; Getting a gorgeous new apartment downtown; Getting into the best shape of my life; Making friends with a strong group of intelligent, kickass women that my ex would have never let me befriend; Drinking/smoking/sleeping without being guilted for not following my ex's expectations for what I should be doing with my time; Getting a cat and not needing to worry about her safety around my ex or him getting jealous; Leaving my house without having to give text updates about where I am; Smiling at strangers without being questioned over it; Being approached to run for office in 2018 and saying yes because I want to do it; and Literally everything. Here's what I want to say to anyone who is interested: Anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how confident you are, or how independent you want to be. Just because you’re in one doesn’t make you dumb or worthless. It doesn’t make you easy prey or unable to be in a healthy relationship next time. The only antidote is listening to your gut and respecting boundaries that you put into place for your own life. There were so many times that I felt a pit in my stomach and knew something was wrong but ignored it because I felt like a compromise could be found. Some people out there are scary, they are manipulative, and they do not want the best for you. They only care about themselves and you cannot make them respect you, value you, or treat you well. When you meet that person, don't try to change them. Cut your losses and leave. Don't let their voice get in your head and to start believing their narrative of who you are. It took me nearly a year to undo the damage that an 8 month relationship did to me. (Can you believe things got this bad in 8 months?!) I would internally feel myself panic for months after the break up when I laughed too much with my friends, thinking that I would be getting lectured about being fake/flirty/inappropriate. It took me so long to start making sarcastic jokes again (my ex didn't "get them" or think they were funny). I basically had to regrow all myself self confidence and redefine myself worth. I could barely even express an opinion on where I wanted to eat since it hadn't mattered in so long. Once I got past that, I remember marveling at the tranquility of my life being mine, my self esteem returning to normal, and people treating me gently/kindly. My parents told me I was happier than they’d seen me in a year and my best friend told me that she was glad “to have me back.” (Side note: Counseling is IMPORTANT. People that are in an abusive relationship are more likely to get into another one than someone who has never been abused. When you are being abused, up looks like down and down looks like up. Going to counseling helped me re-orient, figure out what was normal, and taught me to listen to my gut. It helped me rebuild and make sure this wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t even need many sessions but I actually liked it by the end! I’m forever a gigantic advocate of finding a counselor that fits your needs well.) I don’t want this to be the point of my post, so I’m putting it last. I took a dating hiatus for 6 months after the break up and tried to rebuild on my own. I think this was extremely important to help me re-center. After the six month hiatus, I wrote out parameters for dating and a list of things I needed in a partner (kindness, gentleness, warmth, an even temper). I was picky, I stopped seeing people that I felt weren’t listening to me or weren’t treating me well. After six months of dating, I found someone that fit the list. I’ve been dating him for a bit over a year, and I can’t stress how different this relationship is. It’s night and day. I’m listened to, respected, treated like a real partner, and my boundaries matter. I can be friends with whoever I want (I’m still good friends with James!) and my alone time is given with no questions asked. Tl;dr: I was in an abusive relationship, asked reddit for help, and they came through. Life is so much better post-break up. I want to emphasize this can happen to anyone, just because it’s happening doesn’t mean you deserve it. Get out! Life gets better than you can imagine. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Quirky-Bad7653 AITA For “lying” to my partner about having kids and laughing about it? Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole Thank you to u/lostravenblue for suggesting this BoRU & u/xanif for finding the new update TRIGGER WARNING: fertility shaming, Verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, harassment BoRU 1 Original Post Sept 3, 2023 Wayback machine AITA For “lying” to my partner about having kids and laughing about it? So I recently became engaged to my (34f) partner (35M). We met on a dating app 3 years ago and hit it off from the start. 5 years ago I got my fallopian tubes removed. I’ve known I don’t want to give birth since I was 15years old and have never changed my mind. I always said that if a child came into my life I’d love it, but I’m not actively seeking that out. On my dating profile it explicitly states “child-free and infertile” verbatim. At the beginning of our relationship, my now-fiancé regularly referenced other things I put in my profile, so I had assumed he’d read that part and kids never really came up in other convos. Well last night, he mentioned that I should consider stopping my birth control since now we’re engaged, and given our ages, we should start trying for kids. I honestly thought he was joking and laughed. He got frustrated and asked me why I thought it was funny, and I reminded him that the second line of my dating profile said I was ostensibly infertile. He was shocked and called me a liar. I happened to remember that I sent a screen shot of my dating profile to a friend for review around that time and pulled up the old convo with her to show him the time and date, and that indeed it stated I was child-free. I told him I had my tubes taken out so there was no chance of me getting pregnant without outside help (ivf is technically still an option, but I don’t want to put my body through that). He stormed out and his mom called me crying that I’ve ruined his life. His sister sent me a long message about how getting my tubes removed should be illegal and how I’m a monster for stringing my fiancé along. TBH, his family never really liked me because they think I’m beneath him. a cousin told me it’s because I’m fat (true, but I’m also pretty active. Regular walks with my dog, hiking, biking, swimming, paddle boarding, and a little snowshoeing, none of which my fiancé does with me) and a career woman in a male-dominated field, plus we share the household labor 50/50 and I make more money than he does. Because of this I don’t take what they say too seriously but I’m starting to feel bad. His family believes I stole years of his life and ruined future chances of being a father by lying about my fertility status. He asked for space when he stormed out, so I haven’t reached out to him. I do love him, but I’m starting to have serious second thoughts given his families reactions. I realize now that we should have talked about this before, but AITA for how I handled the situation? VERDICT: POST REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED Update Sept 3, 2023 Update: So my fiancé came home this morning and I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said there was nothing left to talk about. I asked if he wanted the ring back and he got angry. I’ve never seen him like this and I tried to speak calmly to him but he was just yelling about how I was giving up and wouldn’t even talk to him. I reminded him that I’d asked if he wanted to talk and he said no, to which he responded that he didn’t think I’d “go all crazy over a disagreement.” This was a huge wake up call for me. I asked him why he’d never brought up kids before hand and he said because he knew I would get all weird about it. I tried to get him to clarify but he just kept saying he couldn’t talk to me when I was like this. I swear I never raised my voice and tried to speak calmly the entire time. I told him I can’t have kids, nor do I want any. I don’t want to give birth. That seems like a deal breaker for him, and his family. He said his family had nothing to do with this, and I asked why he told them then? He said because he was hoping they’d talk sense into me. I told him I was ending the relationship and staying with my dad for the time being. This didn’t go over well. I’m still kind of shaking. As I was leaving I asked him how long he’s wanted kids, and he admitted he never thought about it, but he knew I didn’t want any, but now that we were engaged, it wasn’t just about me, he had a say in children. I told him I physically could not get pregnant without IVF, and asked him how he expected that to work? He responded that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I left after that because I just didn’t have the energy to try and convince him, and I didn’t want to further agitate him. When I told my dad everything, he was furious. Apparently when my fiancé spoke to him about proposing (he did not ask permission, both my dad and I are opposed to that tradition. Just basically letting my dad know his plans), my DAD asked him if he was okay never having kids as I’d had my tubes removed (my dad says he specifically brought up my surgery and the impossibility of natural pregnancy). My fiancé told my dad that it’d always be my decision. I’m thankful this happened before we started any of the wedding planning, but it feels like I swallowed a boulder. I know I need to be more adamant in the future about my stance on kids and I promise I will have these discussions with future partners openly and from the start. I blocked his family from messaging me after they added me to a group message and started throwing Bible verses at me and saying that I’m a defective woman for not wanting kids. I don’t have the energy right now to be petty so I just blocked them. My dad is going to help me move my stuff the next couple of days. I need to talk to the landlord and figure out the lease. I’m financially stable enough to pay most of the fees I think but I doubt my now ex-fiancé can afford the rent on his own. The only text I’ve received from him just said “You’ll regret this”. I don’t believe this is meant as a threat, but I’m being cautious just in case. Thank you all for the feedback. It was helpful to understand where I went wrong. This was my first long-term relationship and I fucked up a lot of the communication, but I know it’s not just on me. I tend to be the kind of person that doesn’t like to re-hash things if I feel like we’re on the same page, but with huge decisions like this reiterating is necessary, and people are allowed to change their minds, which means re-hashing is necessary in a healthy relationship. NEW UPDATE Final Update Feb 9, 2026 (2 1/2 years later) FINAL UPDATE: AITA for “lying” to my partner about having kids Hi! So I completely forgot about this account until recently and figured I’d give an update since the story got both crazier and then a bit anticlimactic, and a few people have asked. I’m going to give fake names so it’s easier. Ex-fiancé is Josh. His sister will be Jill. Moving out was pretty easy. Josh wasn’t around but I did find a few of my things in odd places that I suspect was intentional to make me leave them behind. It was quiet for about a week, but then I got called into an impromptu work meeting. My company is fairly small, and I’m in the upper level of the admin team, so it’s not totally uncommon to get meetings with the two owners (a married couple). When I logged on it turned out to be a coaching convo to address my “use of company resources for personal matters.” Apparently Jill had found the company phone number and had been calling the number attempting to get through to me or my supervisor, but the 3rd party company we use to manage that phone number didn’t have my contact (or even really know who I was) because my position isn’t client-facing. I’m usually pretty good under pressure but I really didn’t want to lose my job so I ended up crying and spilling the whole story to my bosses. Turns out they’re both intentionally child-free as well and were incredibly supportive. One of them is retired navy and he asked multiple times if he should pay them a personal visit but his wife just rolled her eyes and told him that would be plan X after all the others failed lol. Long story short I ended up finding an attorney who helped me navigate a protective order. Jill didn’t handle this well and tried to sue me for damages with Josh and their mom. It took a year to actually make it to court and, to no one’s surprise, the suit was dismissed (the judge was VERY displeased by the waste of court resources). I was granted a restraining order for Josh, Jill, and their mom after I presented the evidence of harassment as well as a notarized statement from my company. We also had recordings from the company phone calls but the judge didn’t need them apparently. I blocked all of them and have no idea what’s happening with them now, but they have thankfully left me alone. My dad was really happy to have me as a roommate (I think he’d been lonely lol) so Ive just stayed with him and split his bills. My dog has always loved my dad so she’s in heaven. I haven’t really been dating, but I’ve been taking mixed martial arts classes recently, and I just finished a year of ice skating classes. I’m enjoying having some more free time and perfectly content in being single right now. I know now that there were a lot of things I let slide about Josh and his family that should have been dealbreakers, and I think I would have figured it out sooner than later, but I’m still trying to relearn to trust myself. Until then I’m not in any hurry to date anyone new. Thank you to everyone who commented and offered perspective. It really helped. My best friend and her husband had a fun time going through them all with me lol THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-2576517 An anonymous person messaged me (F27) saying that my boyfriend (M29) of 3 years was arrested… can you help me know what I should do next? Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU TRIGGER WARNING: Accusations of child sexual abuse Original Post Apr 10, 2026 I have been with Jason for just over 3 years and I have never had any concerns or any obvious red flags about his behavior. He has always been very respectful to me throughout all our relationship. We moved in together about 8 months ago and our relationship has been solid. I barely ever use Facebook, so never really got around to changing my relationship status on there. But 3 weeks ago I just randomly decided to do it and tag Jason. All the public comments on that post were normal things you expect from family and friends etc. even though everyone I know closely already is aware we’re in a relationship. Didn’t think anything of it and moved on with my life. Last Sunday however, I opened back up my Facebook and I noticed I had a message request from the day after I posted the relationship update. I opened it and the name of the account wasn’t a name I recognized, but it was a male name. They had sent me a long message, saying they saw my post and thought that I should know about Jason’s past. They said they knew Jason, and said that 7 years ago Jason was arrested for serious crimes, that I’m not sure I even feel comfortable saying on here. But they were very, very serious claims. They said in the message that they “thought I should know”. In my country, arrests are not public information unless the person admits guilt or is found guilty. And I found nothing when I searched his name. I messaged them back and asked them who they were, how they knew Jason and how I knew if what they were saying was true. They replied saying they knew Jason from years ago when Jason was arrested, the user said he wasn’t giving his real name and that I didn’t need to believe him. He said ask Jason about it. I messaged back and he has read some of them but then went offline and didn’t answer anything after that. Obviously reading it all made me very anxious and I didn’t know what to do and I had no idea if I should even believe what this person is saying. I didn’t say anything to Jason that day but it was really eating at me and Jason noticed that I was being off with him. So I asked him to talk and I said that I had got a weird message from someone claiming things about him. He looked confused, he asked what they said. And so I told him what the account said. His face went red all over, and he looked genuinely panicked. He said it wasn’t true, but he looked very panicked. He said again “that’s not true” he got up grabbed his keys and left. I texted him after he left and said I was sorry, that I wasn’t accusing him of anything (because I really wasn’t) I was just telling him about the weird message I received. He said he understood, but he was hurt that I was even repeat those things about him and he decided to stay at his mom’s house for the night. He hasn’t come back since. I am unsure if I acted wrongly here. I genuinely was not accusing him of what the message said, but I also feel like I had to tell him about it? I couldn’t have kept it a secret? This has been our first “fight” that lasted multiple days. I’ve been texting him every morning saying I hope he has a good day and he heart reacts to them but hasn’t responded. I’m unsure if I acted wrongly here. RELEVANT COMMENTS passingavery It sounds like the accusation is true, judging by his reaction. But as you said, arrested and not charged. So he was a prime suspect, but they couldn’t nail him for it. So he could be innocent. So it comes down to: what was he arrested for? Aggravated assault? Murder? … Sexual assault? You need to have a conversation with him about this. If he won’t open up, then you need to consider: why? Maybe he was innocent and wants to move past it. Maybe he was guilty and got away with it. If he refuses to talk about it and keeps denying it, are you okay with that? Or maybe he’ll be so flustered about this that he’ll leave and this matter will be settled for you… in a way. Ultimately, it comes down to: can you live with not knowing? And can you live with whatever he tells you, if he decides to open up about it? OOP What the person claimed was that they had been arrested for… I’m not sure if it’s even allowed to be said on Reddit. It was a crime against children passingavery Ooh, that’s... I’m so sorry. You’re in a very terrible position. I think you definitely need to have this conversation with him, just to hear his side of it. It sounds like they never found the true culprit/the case was unsolved/there wasn’t enough proof. If he is innocent, then this is just a case of an angry party trying to destroy his life because there was no resolution. I would also recommend not leaving your Facebook open to the public. Tweak your settings to friends only. I also don’t know what country you are from: what is your legal system like? OOP We have a good legal system I would say. My country is not corrupt you can’t pay your way out of charges or anything ~ passingavery How do you feel, based on what you know about him? Have you seen him around children? Do any comments or actions, in hindsight, stand out to you? I hope he agrees to open up to you. Because silence would be more damning. If you’re willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, definitely take the time to listen to his viewpoint and then you can decide whether or not to believe him. If he refuses to open up, then you have another decision to make: to accept his silence and continue the relationship, or to accept his silence and leave. OOP Firstly, I want to thank you for being so kind with me. I have genuinely felt in a haze the past few days. I’ve had no concerns about him, no serious red flags or things like that. I never had concerns about his behavior around anyone. But I just feel at a loss now. I was worried that I was wrong for even saying what the message said to him. But now I don’t think so. Update Apr 11, 2026 (Next Day) Original post is on my account, but a TLDR is an anonymous person messaged me saying that my boyfriend (Jason) was arrested in his early twenties for, well it’s difficult for me to say, but the message claimed Jason had been arrested for a crime against children. This is going to be long, I’m sorry but I just need to get this out. Firstly, thank you everyone for your advice and for helping me realize. After I had read all the comments, I messaged him saying he needs to talk to me, he needs to tell me the whole truth, and because of his reaction he needs to convince me of whatever he says. And he needs to do it by the end of today or the relationship is finished. He messaged back this morning and said he was coming over to talk. I do want to say though, he has never acted this way before. He has always been very communicative, and able to express himself and his emotions without placing blame or anger. If you get what I mean. He’s been in therapy since he was a child so I suppose it comes from that, so the way he acted when I told him about the message was very unusual and shocked me honestly. So he came over and we spoke. He told me that this is difficult for him to speak about and I said I appreciated that but he needs to be honest with me now or we can’t continue our relationship. He told me what the message said was true, but it wasn’t how it sounded. I’m going to tell you exactly what he said because I’m honestly still at a loss and feel so confused and overwhelmed. He explained his side of the story, he brought me a file with documents inside. He said that’s all the evidence he has to explain what happened, he went through them with me explaining as he was going through. His story was that he was hired by a family as a sort of live-in babysitter. He would stay in the house looking after the children during school breaks and weekends while his main job was a teacher. He says that he realized in hindsight that their oldest son (“max” who was 14) had some sort of crush on him. Jason said that with retrospect he should have realized sooner and done something to protect himself, but he said he didn’t realize until it was too late. I asked Jason to explain what he meant because that didn’t make sense to me. He said he has worked for the family for almost 5 years, and so he had seen the 3 children grow up. That the parents treated him very much like a part of the family. Then he said in the last year, Max started acting strangely around Jason. For example, he said when Max got a phone the parents asked Jason to add him as a contact, so for example if Max wanted to go out with friends while Jason was babysitting. Jason agreed. It was ok for a while, then Max started sending him a lot of messages, and like calling Jason midweek “just to talk”. Jason said he thought it was weird, but wasn’t sure how to communicate that so he just stopped responding to Max completely while outside of the role as the babysitter. He told me a lot more detail but I don’t want to share everything here. But it led up to one day while Jason was babysitting Max apparently made a pass at him and then Jason said he realized that Max had some sort of weird crush on him. Jason said he told him that this behavior wasn’t appropriate and that he was going to have to speak to the parents. Max apparently went crazy and locked himself in his bedroom. Jason said he immediately called the parents and said they needed to come home. He said he explained everything that happened and said it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to continue working with Max. He said at the time they all agreed and Jason went home. Two days later the police knocked on the door and arrested him. Jason says that Max claimed he had basically been grooming him and his little brother for years and Max claimed that Jason had… well I’m sure you know what I mean. Jason said the investigation lasted 6 months, but the only time he actually spent in jail was when he was waiting for his lawyer to arrive when he was first arrested. He said he knew he was innocent so he complied with the police as much as he could. But he said it was the worst time of his life. Jason said because of it, his girlfriend broke up with him, he lost both his jobs as the babysitter (obviously) but also because he was arrested and under investigation he lost his job as a teacher also. He said that time of his life was hell and he never wanted to revisit it. When he said he was cleared of charges, he just wanted to forget about it and move on with his life. I asked why he didn’t tell me any of this before, he said that’s not something people understand when you explain. He said he was sorry for how he acted but he was just shocked and so confused about who even would know this. After he explained everything, I took some time just reading through all the documents he had. They were supporting what he was saying. I said if I could talk to his friends about this or something someone else so I can see what they understand. He said no, which shocked me a bit. He said none of his friends know about this and he wants to keep it that way. He said I could talk to his parents or his sisters about it but not his friends. We spoke a bit longer and I said I would prefer if he stayed at his mom’s house until I had processed everything. He said that was a good idea, we decided to meet up tomorrow to talk again. But I’m so confused and I feel like I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if this is the update you were expecting, but I’m genuinely at a loss and I don’t know what to do anymore. RELEVANT COMMENTS Old_Girl60 Op, if the document supports the story AND you’ve never seen any red flags, why are you doubting him? And he was cleared of all charges. OOP The documents support that he’s at least been consistent with his story from the beginning but they also show that Max was consistent with his as well. And the fact that both boys were interviewed and claimed Jason had done stuff to them it’s making it difficult for me I’m unsure. It wasn’t dropped because he was proved “innocent” it says there was not enough evidence to proceed. He says that’s the best he could have hoped for but it’s just all so much to have to deal with ~ PrettyExpression4u Wow! How old is the other boy? What was his story for the brother? This post hits close to home. I don’t believe the story he told you. My gut is telling me he’s hiding something. Ask him to go to the police station with you so they can give you a report of the evidence they did find. OOP Other boy was 9. But it also says that the 9Yo retracted what he said about Jason and claimed he had been told by Max to say it because they were angry at Jason. And when the youngest son was questioned he had no knowledge and made no allegation. So it makes it so confusing and hard to follow Update 2 Apr 12, 2026 (1 day after 1st update) Not going to be a long update but well idk, he broke up with me. So I don’t know what it means now and I wish I had never even seen the message. I texted him later last night after we spoke. I said I was having a hard time digesting everything. He said he understands and told me to take as much time as I needed. He said this was difficult for him to talk about, how it was ‘the worst time of his life’, but he said ask him whatever questions I wanted and he would answer to the best of his understanding. But he said to be mindful because the topic was painful for him (in retrospect does show he’s trying to guilt me into not asking him questions about it?) I said I was just having doubts about him because of everything now it is going to make me struggle to see him the same way moving forward. I said I wanted to move on but he’s going to have to build my trust back and I said honestly it’s going to be in the back of my mind whenever I see him around children now. I told him I’m sorry but I’m just saying the truth but I wanted to work with him and build our relationship back up. But he’s going to have to work hard to prove to me that he really is innocent if he wants our relationship to last. He just replied with “oh” I asked him what that means. He said he doesn’t really think that’s fair on him. “I did nothing wrong.” I just replied well if that’s true you’ll have no issue proving it. He didn’t tell me this for our whole 3 year relationship, of course I’ve lost trust in him. He left me on read for about 2 hours which is childish. He sends me back this big message about how ‘he did everything right’ and yet this allegation is still ‘ruining his life’ and how it ‘wasn’t fair’. He went on to say a lot of stuff, he went on this big rant saying he has given me everything to show what he’s saying is true, he said he complied with the police with everything they asked, he said they found nothing because he was innocent. Again, he said it ruined his life, he goes on this big story about how he lost his first teaching job, how he had to work from rock bottom while also having this allegation on his background check for the rest of his life, he said all this stuff that wasn’t relevant about how he has to spend his whole life convincing people that what they read on paper isn’t what it seems, that he isn’t some monster and that people will still look at him with suspicion in their eyes. He said people read it on paper and then they don’t care what you say, you’re guilty. He said he didn’t want me to know about that because he didn’t want me looking at him differently. He didn’t want another person who looks at him like a criminal when “I DID NOTHING WRONG” all in caps like this. He then sends a follow up saying he thought he had finally moved on, found a job that trusts him, found a girlfriend he loves, but he’s realized he’s never going to have that. He’s never going to have a life where he can just be normal so he said ‘what’s the point’ He said he won’t live in relationships where his girlfriend is second guessing everything he does. In my eyes that message is a break up message. So I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He just replied that he’s not going to spend his life trying to prove to someone that he is innocent of a crime he ‘never committed’. He said he’s “done it with the police I’m not doing it with you 7 years later.” And that he’s not living like that for the rest of his life either. He said “I love you but no I am not living like that. You accept me or I’m not doing it, I will give you time, I will give you space, I will answer any questions you have. But if you’re telling me you are never going to see me the same way again. If you tell me you’re not going to trust me ever again, that you’re going to look at me, for the rest of my life and see those allegations then. Yeah. I guess. I’m not living like that.” He then asked that I don’t tell anyone about what I know, he said it will only ruin his life more if more people know, he said that therapy would be a good place where I could ‘confidentially be open about this’ which seems a bit controlling to me now. In my eyes that’s not him working with me to prove himself, so I said I guess we’re broken up then. He’s deleted all his social media and he isn’t responding to any of my messages anymore which is so childish. I can’t believe he’s acting this way to me. He’s never been like this before. I spoke to my best friend about everything and she told me she thinks I’m the one who ruined the relationship and now I’m just so sad. Did I ruin this with him? I’m not going to be posting anymore. Edit: I get it everyone you can stop berating me. I’m the bad guy here of course as always I’m the one in the wrong. I’ve texted Jason to tell him I’m sorry, I’ve tried calling him and he’s not responding to anything. So are you happy now? THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Designer-Mongoose308 My bf called me a gold digger so I left. Now he wants my help to pay the rent Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, stalking, weaponized incompetence Original Post Dec 18, 2024 Quick rant - not looking for advice but for people who have been in similar situations. I (f30) have been with my bf (m34) for 2 years. We moved in together 6 months ago and it was all good. We had an understanding that we would go 50/50 on chores and bills until we decided to have a child (as I would be putting my body, career and life on the line he would obviously need to make up for his lack of risk by contributing more around the house and monetary). Because of this I believed we had an understanding on how we believed partnership should work. 2 months ago he got a slight promotion and pay bump, which meant we adjusted our cut of the bills to reflect that. But somehow he’s comes to expect me to then take up the chores at home. It started with small things that I knew he could do like dishes and laundry and escalated to sitting down all weekend watching me do my half and leaving his half of the chores to accumulate. He blamed it on the stress and added workload, but we’re both corporate and work at our desks regardless. I would be more understanding if his job was more physically demanding. It got to a breaking point when I noticed mould in the pots he was meant to clean (if either of us cooks, it’s the others responsibility to clean). He just kept the lid on it so that i wouldn’t notice. I needed to take a day off work to catch up with all the cleaning he neglected. The last straw was when he came home without groceries, despite it being his week. Usually when either of us is too tired to do groceries, we let the other know in advance so we can at least order in food. I told him we need to add a cleaner to the bills if he’s not happy doing chores anymore, because I refuse to do them if he’s isn’t contributing fairly too. He made an excuse about not wanting a stranger in our flat. I then said we’d need to begin ordering groceries deliverers for the extra cost too if he can no longer be bothered and he called me frivolous with money. So I suggested that I would be happy to take up these responsibilities. But it would mean I drop my working days from 5 to 4, and I would expect to be compensated for the sacrifice I’m taking to my own career so he can “focus on his responsibilities”. Because apparently they matter more than my own. And I would also expect to be paid an hourly rate for doing the chores at the average market salary for a housekeeper. He seemed so surprised and shocked I’d suggest that and didn’t know how to reply despite having an answer for everything I said before. I started to feel like he was trying to manipulate me into a situation that was more ideal to him and less ideal to me. And if he loved me, he wouldn’t be doing that. So I asked him if his friends put him up to do this, because I knew they all struggled to keep gfs and he said a “proper woman would be happy to look after the house”. And called me a gold digger. I was shocked, because I wasn’t asking for designer items, I was asking for fair compensation for my labour especially seeing as it would dent my own career to take on all this work. So I called him a gold digger for wanting a private chef and housekeeper for free. I was admittedly angry at this point and also told him to stop being so proud of his promotion if he was too broke to afford a chef and cleaner and instead tries to manipulate the woman he loves to do it for free (not really for free because taking a day off from my salary means I’ll be paying for the privilege to clean up after him out of pocket) I told him he was dragging me down when we were supposedly meant to build each other up equitably. The flat is his, so when he was ignoring me after the fight, I started packing. He told me I would see sense, but I didn’t bother. I started to feel embarrassed that I didn’t notice he was like this, and wasted 2 years to build up to this let down. As I packed my car I said as much and told him to not contact me. I blocked him everywhere and he’s now sending our mutual friends messages and voice notes to forward to me. My friends have been mostly on my side, seeing him as a bit pitiful, and I can see that. One of the male friends we have in common mentioned that he’s been watching podcasts recently about masculinity and I have a feeling this is where he got the idea to stall my future and put me under his foot to only serve his dreams and goals. I feel angry the more I think about it. He loved those podcasts men’s ideas more than he loved me and now he expects me to feel sorry that he can’t afford the rent without my contribution. But I believe he still thinks I’m the gold digger for not accepting an unfair division of effort and labour. If this has happened to any other women, how did you address it? I’m annoyed I let it trickle and accumulate for 2 months before addressing. Moving forward I won’t enter a relationship without having this outlined at the dating stage. I’m in my 30s now and don’t want to deal with men expecting free women labour because society makes them believe it’s worthless in comparison to what they do. PS - sorry for my wonky English I am from a European country that isn’t the UK 😂 RELEVANT COMMENTS Commenter This is a common trend in recent times. I had the same issue with my ex-bf of 2 years. Told me my responsibilities as a woman was: Cooking, housework, childcare and paying half the bills. His responsibilities were : Paying other half of the bills, being in charge (???) and making all financial decisions ( I earn a lot more than him). Turns out that at the age of 32, he became a massive Tate-stan. Like you, I didn't know he had been consuming the content obsessively. One of the last things he said to me when we were breaking up was "All a woman is good for is keeping my stomach full and balls empty". You're lucky you left when you did! And I am impressed with how quickly you did it. I tolerated the misogynistic crap for months before finally walking away OOP I am glad to hear he is an ex! I did in the moment think I was being too rushed in my response, but my gut feeling was telling me he was not going to hear my opinion, let alone change his ways, if he didn’t respect me enough to even do what he did in the first place. I am so shocked by the comments and how common this podcast pipeline was. He listened completely in secret, I was not aware in the slightest. There must be shame attached on a some level to hide it, because we shared all the entertainment we consumed and even his football I would sit down with him sometimes for important matches. :/ ~ Known_Party6529 What messages are he sending you besides rent? Is he trying to get you back? OOP Mainly apologies and explanations for what he said. The last message I read was about his plans for his career and how he wanted to become a high earner so I never need to work and he can buy me everything. Me and my friends agree he is digging a hole as he still ignores my career and goals. And after accusing me of being a gold digger his plan is to make me… a gold digger? Not sure I think he is just in crisis mode now. OOP added more elsewhere about the messages I am sorry 😂 I realised after posting that I didn’t elaborate! It was just the latest the string of messages he’s tried to pass on and it shocked me enough to make the post! It was on my mind when I typed the title before I went on rant-mode haha. He basically just mentioned that because I left without giving him time to adjust his budgets, I should pay for the next month of rent. But he lived there before, so I know he can afford it if he becomes frugal. My name was not on the lease and when I mentioned I wanted to be on it (in my country having a paper trial of rent agreements makes it easy to rent when you move, a void isn’t great) he told me not to worry. So I guess he kind of saved me from that in his own way. ~ [deleted] Congratulations you dodged a big bullet, his issues will be bigger and bigger. maywellflower Especially now he financially fucked himself over by calling the breadwinner a gold digger and now begging that same woman he shitted as soon she moved in to be his sugar mama to fund the roof over his head while she still no longer lives there - OP more than dodged a big bullet, she dodged nukes; plural... [deleted] Nothing funnier than men calling women gold diggers when they got no gold to dig🤭. EDIT: Thank you for the overwhelming support. I see so many people have gone through the same thing and it makes me feel less angry that I found myself in this situation! I wanted to explain a few points that came up a lot: He created an excel spreadsheet that calculated based on income how we can fairly contribute. When his pay increased, he paid more monthly(€80), and also had €400 extra monthly disposable income. If this is what soured him, I suppose he should’ve mentioned because it was his system, not mine. We did not keep a tally. We had favourite chores, he likes to vaccum, I like to put dishes away. Sometimes he is sick, does overtime, or isn’t in the mood, I would happily do it. Same with him for me. I only started to tally when a pattern emerged. It would be stupid to not take notice when he is consistently leaving things to me silently as if expecting me to silently sort it out. The mould was disgusting. The groceries were just the straw that broke the camels back. I exhausted after only 2 months of picking up the slack mentally and physically. Couldn’t imagine doing it without serious reconsiderations to our dynamic. We discussed children because we both agreed we wanted the relationship to head in that direction, not because we were ready now. I would not have spent 2 years with a man if our future ideas didn’t align. It’s okay if someone changes their mind later, but communication is important. He listened to these podcasts in secret - I had no idea. And we usually share the entertainment we consumed together, silly videos and films. My Ex is making me nervous. I want to leave the country. June 16, 2025 (6 months later) Hey! I posted on this sub a few months ago about my relationship with my (f31) ex (m35) falling apart due to his change in idealogy and seeing me less like a partner and more like someone who only exists to support his dreams. The break up was quick - I walked out after a major fight with most of my items, and my father went back to collect the rest while I was on FaceTime. I wasn’t scared of him then, but I knew he’d try to talk to me as he was bothering all our mutual friends to get in contact with me on his behalf. Since then, I have slowly drifted away from our mutual friends, as no one has cut contact with him, and I just wanted friends who didn’t feel like they were walking on eggshells around me. He had started off being very apologetic in his messages to me (through them) but quickly became mean and blamed me for everything. He lost the flat because he could no longer afford it, and moved to a studio. While he was “heartbroken” his sister would look after him and clean sometimes but even she got tired of it. He told everyone he was depressed because of me so they all tiptoed around him. But once I started to drift off and hang out more with my hometown friends and reconnect, I heard less and less. About a month ago I got asked on a date and said yes. The man (33), let’s say Martin, is completely new to this area and knew barely anyone. So we spent a lot of time together in the first week, just me showing him around and being more like friends before seriously dating. Somehow, my ex found out. I’m still not sure how but I think a mutual friend saw me and reported back. He turned up at my father’s house (he doesn’t know where I currently live) asking to talk to me. I called a mutual friend to alert them of his weird behaviour. It seemed to work because he didn’t try anything for a few while.. but then one called me to tell me that they found my ex has lost his job because for the past few weeks he’s been driving around my town all day instead of working in the hopes to spot me. This has scared me, as I didn’t think he was capable of that, but if u read my last post, you’d know I don’t seem to be able to predict these things well. Martin is a tall, large man, so I go out with him almost everywhere since we like spending time together anyways, and I also have my friends and my father, so I don’t feel like I’m in imminent danger, but this behaviour sounds like the kind of behaviour from an entitled and delusional man… and we all know how far their delusions of entitlement can take them. For him to lose the job he wanted me to prioritise over mine and entire start of our argument last time, doesn’t sit right with me. At this point, the police here can’t do anything as he hasn’t acted and I can’t prove that he has stalked me electronically. So the only way for me to find out more or resolve this is by unblocking him. I am grateful I blocked him so thoroughly because it allowed me to have a clean break, but obviously in his red pill mind that’s not normal. Will closure help him? Martin has suggested that he’d even pretend to be a fully dedicated boyfriend to help discourage my ex from any ideas of reconsiliation. Honestly, since our breakup I have been considering moving to Portugal, but very whimsically. Now this situation has made me think about it seriously. I write because last time, your comments gave me comfort and lots of insight and confidence. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Any-Jello-9719 Originally posted to r/creepyencounters I (24F) think I’m being stalked - and I can’t tell by how many people Original Post: March 7, 2026 Reposted to break up text wall. Burner account, obviously. I know the title sounds paranoid, but please bear with me. I work full-time at a public university in the US as an office manager and am enrolled in grad school at the same institution. I graduate this May. I have in-person night classes three days a week that start right after I get off work. My apartment is on the first floor of a complex about 10 minutes away. Over the past few months, I’ve had numerous bizarre occurrences around my home and workplace. The first, to my knowledge, was in September, and was something my neighbor across the hall (very sweet older woman) told me. A man was banging on my door for around an hour just after midnight. I was not home. My neighbor poked her head out to ask him what was going on, and he said he was a door dasher (with no food or bags in his hands, apparently). My neighbor watched him through the peephole and told me he tried the doorknob multiple times. No Ring camera or anything - so no footage. As far as I know, he didn’t come back, but I’ve also had three or four instances over this several-month period where someone knocked on my bedroom window (blackout curtains always closed) late at night loud enough to wake me and my tiny dog. Never saw who it was. In October, a woman came to my sliding glass door about a month later demanding to come in because her stolen “device” had apparently been pinging my apartment. When I refused, she called the Sheriff’s department. The deputy who came asked me a couple questions and left, but did confirm that a device was pinging my apartment. Never found out if she meant a phone or what. The woman hung out in the parking lot before leaving a few minutes later. Obviously I’ve never stolen any phone, so I was completely bewildered. Never saw her again. In December, things came to a head when I found a plug-in GPS tracker in the OBD (editor’s note: On-Board Diagnostics) port under my dashboard. Car dealership where it got serviced last said they didn’t use that brand (LandAirSea, and yes I have the model and serial#) and didn’t perform any services that would have warranted putting it in there. I called the cops and they just wrote down a few details and left. University police were also informed since the tracker was *probably* placed either on campus or at my apartment. The tracker was the biggest red flag. I never check my OBD port, so I have no idea how long it was there. I told my unit director, and he offered to subtly remove mentions of me around the office and on the website, which I accepted. I am, however, posted up at the office front desk for like 80% of my day. This past Tuesday, right before I left for lunch, a middle-aged man came into the office wearing a hairnet, surgical mask, hoodie, and sunglasses. He claimed to be a prospective student and had questions about FAFSA. He was extremely hard to understand. I directed him to the financial aid office across campus, and he kept asking questions that our office cannot answer. I thought sure, fine, maybe harmless and just not all there mentally. He walks over to our coffee machine (not for communal use btw but I didn’t want to be a bitch) and just starts making coffee. He’s still there when I leave and one of my staff watches the desk while I’m out. When I return from lunch, he’s gone, but walks in after me a few minutes later and just sits in the lobby on his phone before getting up to leave almost immediately. I was off work Wednesday and Thursday, so I came in Friday. I felt like giving my mostly-undergrad staff a break so I gave them permission to head home early, inadvertently leaving me alone in the office. The man came back wearing the exact same clothes, mask, hairnet, and sunglasses within 5 minutes of the office clearing out. Our office is technically open to the public, but isn’t really public-facing, and he had no reason for being there, especially that late in the day. He came in, barely acknowledged me, and said he was going to bring back bottled water for our coffee machine. He left again. I’m very creeped out by this so I messaged my director (working remotely) and he got an IT guy from the adjacent building to come over with his laptop to keep my company. I explain the situation, and he said he’d stay with me till close. He settles in my director’s office just around the corner, but it still looked like I was alone. The man does come back without water, and leans against the desk trying to start a conversation with me. IT guy comes around the corner and stands between me and him, and he quickly changes the subject and asks about financial aid again (for the fourth time in as many days) before being directed away and leaving immediately. I’m strongly considering informing campus police about this. Like I said, they already know about the tracker. I have had problems in the past during my undergrad years at a different institution with men and a woman being creepy towards me, but nothing to this level. I have no idea what to do. I can’t tell what’s isolated and what’s connected. My family lives an hour away and has been no help at all. I have a sinking feeling that things are going to escalate. Any advice on what I should do or change at home, work, or elsewhere is appreciated. I’m open to further questions. Relevant / Top Comments Downvoted Commenter: It is all isolated. Please speak with a psychiatrist. OOP: I’m not going to have a psychotic break. Other people close to me have told me that this is all weird and I was right to report it Commenter 1: Buy security cameras or a ring camera for the front door. Tasers are cheap on Amazon and there’s companies that sell knives disguised as pens or combs, I have several of those. You might also wanna check out those devices that reveal/ping on electronics secretly placed in apartments/houses to record people. What did the woman look like who came to your sliding door? OOP: I remember her being very skinny and tanned with hair dyed platinum blonde. I also have a gun that I CC pretty much wherever it’s legal, but never on campus. Commenter 2: Get a friend it neighbor to check in on you every day. Can you vary the way you go home every day? OOP: It’s pretty much a straight shot home but I can take the longer route or zigzag a little. Unfortunately it’s highly likely that the tracker logged my workplace and home already. Commenter 3: Definitely inform campus police to start your paper trail. I’m very paranoid when it comes to any paperwork, so I’d ask for copies of the police report regarding that lady, and ask for a copy after you tell campus police. Make sure it’s in writing about the tracker, too. Are there cameras in the office, also? OOP: Both county and campus police know all there is to know about the tracker, but are yet to be filled in on the office visitor. The hallway cameras will have captured what he was doing in the building, but not in the office itself. Commenter 4: was a victim of stalking by an ex for over two years. Do you have anyone in your past that was abusive or took a breakup hard? Anyone with access to "flying monkeys"? The tracker is most concerning to me. If you found one, there might be another. I had two on my car. One of them was under the driver's seat. Never did find the other one before the ex made the car go bye bye. (Took it from in front of the courthouse by the way, while I was inside filing a restraining order). He even had another ex of his who he reconciled with, stalk me. Weird af, eh? The tracker I found under the seat was a small, white unmarked box that looked like it belonged with the car. Wired in but what clued me in was duct tape on the wiring around the side of the seat. I would also have your apartment checked for bugs. Be aware of conversations you have with others, and if someone brings up an off the wall topic that you've spoken with someone else about in the recent time frame, sure sign of a bug. Cell phones can also be bugged these days and you don't have to click on any links or answer any calls to have it happen. You need cameras for sure, and enforcers for your doors. Check the screws on the wall part of the door. If they're the short screws then re-enforce with long screws. Amazon also sells gadgets that go from door handle to floor, and will make it harder for anyone to get in. If you have sliding glass doors, put a 2x4 in the slider when the door is shut to prevent entry. Do the same with your windows if possible. Keep "Fo Bats" in every room. (Baseball bats for their grill. 😏) Protect yourself. Document everything. I still don't leave my home with less than three self protection items ON MY PERSON in different locations. Pepper spray is worthless by the way. I doused the crap out of him one night and he was still able to get ahold of me and sit on me before it started affecting him. He could have killed me in the time it took. When walking through parking lots keep your shoulders back and your head on a swivel. Make sustained eye contact with anyone that makes you feel off. You got this but you have to do the heavy lifting right now. The universe will take care of the rest. OOP: Car seems to be clear of anything else, as is my apartment. Had a friend search them up and down with me. I don’t think there’s anyone in my past who would do this, so I think it was someone I’m not close with or a total stranger. I also have a gun that I always CC except on campus. I trust it over pepper spray any day but I have no choice but to invest in nonlethal for work. Sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience :( Commenter 5: The invisible man is highly suspicious and you should definitely report him. Mask, hairnet, hoodie, and sunglasses, in a non-public area and not giving good reason to be there, is huge cause for concern. I suggest a doorbell and dashcam camera, and get someone you trust to walk you to and from your car at work. The random woman incident may or may not be related, but you did the right thing to remain cautious. The window knocking could also just be idiots, but again you are right to ignore it just in case.   Update: March 19, 2026 (nearly two weeks later) [UPDATE] I (24F) think I’m being stalked - and I can’t tell by how many people Hey everyone. I am alive and well, but not exactly relieved. I got a lot of great advice on my first post and wanted to let you know what all has happened and what I’ve done. It’s been a lot. The two incidents that I and most everyone else were concerned about were the tracker and the office visitor. First off, the owner of the tracker in my car has been identified and is TOTALLY harmless. I called LandAirSea, and they told me that it was, in fact, the car dealership’s device that somehow kept getting unplugged and plugged back in (I guess they assumed it was mine) every time it was serviced. When I initially called them in December, the dealership swore up and down it wasn’t theirs, so I’m really irritated that they were so adamant in their denial. The LandAirSea rep I spoke to was very understanding as to why this would be concerning, and even said he was surprised the police didn’t subpoena the company when I reported it. Regardless, that at least crosses the tracker off the list of issues. As for the office visitor, it’s unfortunately an ongoing concern that has escalated. I called campus police last Monday (3/9) and they explained that my director had reported the guy to them already the day before I made my first post. Police didn’t tell me much aside from the fact that his behavior seemed extremely unusual and that he disappeared once officers arrived to the building. They gave me the usual spiel about how I should call for a police escort if I feel unsafe. I had to get the rest from my director and one of my staff. Apparently, this guy had not only been hanging out around the building, but had been lingering for a long time on the bench just outside my office (I can’t see it where I’m sitting) at various points throughout the week, including when I was there. I also cleaned out that coffee machine thoroughly and put it in the back room. Doesn’t really look like he messed with it. He came back Friday (3/13) at almost exactly the same time as the previous week. By a stroke of sheer fucking luck, I was already in the back conference room before he saw me. I snapped the attached pic of him speaking to a male staff member at the desk and quietly locked myself in my director’s office (he was working remotely again). I called campus PD and texted my director. I could hear the man and my staff talking briefly and the guy left immediately. He didn’t linger like he does with me at the desk. Both the arriving office and the division leader (my director’s boss, whom my director alerted) arrived quickly and knocked on the door, obviously concerned. The officer communicated to me that he will be found and trespassed. He has not shown up in our public trespass warnings records, so I guess that went nowhere. That wasn’t the end of it. This Monday (3/16) we were expecting severe weather, so campus was closed and remote work was permitted. My director, however, decided to work from the office. He saw the man again, but this time he was accompanied by four or five other men in the halls. My director is a very large man, so they scattered quickly when he barked at them to leave. He told me all this in my 1-on-1 with him on Tuesday (3/17) morning. I still feel extremely uneasy about his apparent fixation on me - or at the very least, my office - and that he returned several times in alignment with my schedule. I’ve been having my boyfriend escort me to and from night classes and my office, and will leverage a police or male staff escort if he is ever unavailable. No activity from this man since Tuesday. Since making my first post, I did some work back at my apartment, as well. I asked the management office if my unit or building had a history of drug crime or any other reason it would be a point of interest (or at least, more so than any other unit in an already not-so-great neighborhood). The manager is a different one from when I signed my lease back in May and she found no notes about crime or suspicious activity in that unit. I did remember that I sometimes get mail addressed to someone who I presume is a previous occupant, but nothing in my OSINT repertoire (editor's note: Open Source INTelligence) came up with anything suspicious for his name (arrest records, obits, socials, etc.). I’ve also purchased some pepper spray, set up a Ring camera (I totally forgot I had one from when I moved in) and should be receiving a stun gun and window cams from Amazon soon. Planning a range date with my boyfriend to put a couple hundred rounds through my Glock, as well. But yeah that’s… the less-than-comforting update to this whole situation. At least the tracker is out of the way but I’m still so on edge with this guy and apparently the group he is/was in. I’m worried about what will happen if I run into him again, let alone that whole group. I don’t know what else to do besides literally never be alone ever. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I would see about permanently working remote from home. If not an option, then your office needs to start locking its doors and letting people in by appointment ONLY. They are not taking enough precautions to keep you safe in my opinion. What happens if the next time there's a group and you're alone, or they're armed?? This is serious and doesn't seem to be handled as such by your company. Please update as you can and sending all the good vibes your way!! OOP: I was actually working remotely quite a bit before executive leadership started getting huffy about “office culture” and “showing up for our students” last year… so our remote options became very limited. University policy dictates that every office in our division is meant to be open to the public, and it’s going to be basically impossibly to convince higher ups to budge on that. The office door itself is a pushbar (you can see the end of it in the picture) and doesn’t lock from the inside. Basically, if a staff member is in the office, anyone can get in :/ Commenter 2: I was actually working remotely quite a bit before executive leadership started getting huffy about “office culture” and “showing up for our students” last year… so our remote options became very limited. I'd be very shocked if they couldn't make an exception for you though or at least try to find some alternate solution because everything especially with the man coming back with a group of other people is incredibly concerning. It couldn't hurt to ask. Also do you still think the man who's showing up is related to the lady who left a device in your home? Do you have any updates from the police on what her deal was? Best case scenario that was a massive coincidence meaning he wouldn't have your home address. Sending you good vibes as well and please stay safe. this is probably the most disturbing thing I've read on this sub. OOP: Yeah I have no clue who that lady was, but one thing I forgot to mention was that she initially asked who else lived with me (I said my boyfriend, which wasn’t true)… so that was a concerning opening question from her. She was the one who called the cops. I just gave a brief statement to the deputy who came. All he said was that a “device” was pinging my apartment, and when I suggested a unit nearby or upstairs he said it was definitely my exact unit. That was months ago and there have been no developments on that front. What will probably end up happening at work is me maxing out my allowed remote work time and scheduling my in-office time to align with as many other (preferably male) staff as possible. I’m already proposing that to my director. Higher ed is great but it can be a bitch to get the fossils at the top of the hierarchy to bend the rules THEY placed on us Commenter 3: Is there CCTV outside your building? Maybe they can track the guy from where he enters the campus? Also can I ask what kind of department you are in? Is there anything in your work that could be contentious or divisive? I saw your other post, and this sounds really scary. Please update us and stay safe OOP: It’s a very standard and non-contentious office you’d find in any university (think along the lines of admissions and enrollment). A lot of our buildings have poor external coverage but great hallway and stairwell coverage OOP should get a big dog OOP: I unfortunately don’t have the time or resources for a big dog :/ My Shih Tzu will have to do as a burglar alarm Commenter 4: A small yapper is an excellent alert system! I’d also suggest running through scenarios in your head if they do attempt to breach your apartment. Does your br door lock? Does it open inwards or outwards (if in, good, next think about the heaviest piece of furniture you have to barricade it - make sure it’s slide-able). Amazon sells these door locks that are easy to install and provide that extra level of security. If you google “Defender high security door locks” you will find it. For under $20 it’s really effective and we installed on our mbr door for extra peace of mind. OOP: Bedroom door locks and opens into the room. In December when I first found the tracker I panicked and brought in a living room chair to press against the door. I can’t do a whole lot of drilling since I rent, unfortunately, but as an extra layer of security my boyfriend has been sleeping over at my place a lot and I’ve slept at his on weekends. OOP attached a picture of the office visitor description of the picture: a person standing indoors near a doorway entrance. He is wearing a red hooded sweatshirt with the hood up, light gray sweatpants, and dark shoes. His body is turned slightly away from the camera, facing toward a wall or door, so his face is not visible.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/marblebulldog How can I find out who is leaving creepy/threatning notes at my child's grave? Originally posted to r/RBI TRIGGER WARNING: Loss of a child, stalking, harassment, vanadlism, animal abuse, obsessive behavior and threats MOOD SPOILER: Unsettling, scary and creepy Original Post July 17, 2016 I’m writing this post both to vent but also to see if anyone got advice on how to handle the situation. I’m located in Scandinavia, with rather strict laws concerning surveillance cameras, otherwise I would have gone down that path long ago. The situation: My wife and I lost our child to cancer 1.5 years ago, our child was then a toddler. This of course left us devastated and our way back from the darkness wasn’t easy. But we gave our daughter a very beautiful grave, and visiting it daily helped us through the grief. But then we started getting notes. Written on computer, not handwritten. Nasty notes about us (mainly me though), sometimes threats and also expressing hopes that the child my wife if now expecting also dies. Someone broke the wings of the angel on the gravestone, destroyed the flowers etc. I have no idea who this is, I have no my knowledge no enemies and neither does my wife. How can I find out who it is, without breaking the law (setting up a camera)? I sometimes get a feeling that perhaps it is someone closer to me than I realize. The reason is that when this first started, the notes always appeared in connection to us letting people know that we had been visiting the grave. If I went there on Monday, and for example told on facebook that I had visited the grave and planted some beautiful flowers, then a note would be there the following day. It felt like a pattern but could have been coincidental. This is driving us insane. My wife, pregnant and sensitive as it is, can’t visit the final resting place of our first child without fear and anger. I too get very upset of course, but more infuriated. I want to know who is doing this - all advice is very much appreciated, maybe one of you can think of something we’ve missed. UPDATE: some asked us to do a list of "suspects". We tried really hard to think of anything that could be an issue, this is what we came up with: L : on my previous workplace L was a co worker who claimed that I got promoted because I had a kid on the way, and was pissed about that. But that was years ago. B: Before I met my wife I dated B, and we had a good relationship. I saw no crazy in her. But, she wanted a childfree life and I love children, so we parted and it was a mutual decision. She also moved to another town. But since you guys asked me to list ex’s I’ll do that. E: my wife’s ex – she dumped him for me, but he is now married so he should have gotten over that. V: when we installed our new kitchen we hired a polish guy to do some of the work. Sadly language barriers made it hard and we ended up having lots of problems. In the end I had to let him go and find someone else to do the job. He was angry, but surely that’s not a reason to stalk us now. C: C is not on my facebook actually but I’ll list her anyway because she is a weirdo. She lived next door to us before we moved, and she had this very very, sick dog. So sick that it cried when it tried to walk, it was skin and bones and misery on four legs. Someitmes it fell down and couldn’t get back up. My wife reported that, and we never saw the dog again. C was a strange person. Not mean or nasty to people, but odd. Nurse A; a nurse at the hospital that treated our daughter, also not on FB. We made a complaint about her after finding out that she didn’t give our child the pain meds on the right times, but waited too long to administer them. We weren’t rude, we didn’t shout or anything, we just wanted the best care for our kid. Also, when our child wished to go to a kennel and play with puppies, we did that, but Nurse A said we shouldn’t because of our child’s state. We went anyway and she was pissed for the rest of that weekend. That is all we can think of. UPDATE 2 This is a translation of the latest letter (12 of july) I have translated it with grammar/spelling mistakes /sentence structure and all. “you should be glad that A (insert our child name) died, so she won’t grow up with you both and live with you…it is better and I wish the new baby don’t live too I hope (insert my wife’s name) falls on the stairs and the ugly baby dies and it would be better... Company for little (insert lost daughter’s name)…maybe she eats something with razor blades and cut her belly open… I don’t think that the child under the dirt here was a good person either I think it was a bad person and she died because it was good that she died… I applauded it when the people that are bad die and I have advice: 9mm and your pain stop! Easy, easy I am not evil I am normal and I do this because I like it and I don’t like you and I smile when I think that you are hating this HOW DO YOU LIKE MY ARRANGEMENTS ON THE GRAVE? I like it much better this way. Don’t be so negative!" UPDATE 3 I haven’t had much free time today, chaos at work, but I translated one of the letters previously found at the grave (5th of may). I translated this one because it was one of the worse. "do you think little (insert daughters name) is done and all rotten now? does the naked bones shine pale in the dark I think about it sometimes I hope you think sometimes about it at least she wont be grown up and like you both in the future there is no future only the end and that is better… new baby will also be sick and die and rot next to its skeleton sister and they will be dead together and I will wait for it it sings inside my soul when bad are suffering and I feel triumpf and happiness when it happen and it is the best way wishing the worst for both of you, soon it is coming…" Do you guys think this is a male or a female writer? How can one tell? RELEVANT COMMENTS [deleted] Have you contacted the authorities? What have they said about it? Also you could post that you went on Facebook and visit the next couple of days to see if someone shows up. This person seems unstable so be careful. OOP Yes, my wife arrived at the police station with a beheaded teddy bear that had been found on the grave, crying. Police informed that "we got real crime to handle". ~ [deleted] Are there any detectable patterns like a day of the week that it happens or a certain amount of days after you post on facebook? This might help narrow down the stake out option. Do you think it was at night or is there no way to tell? Are your posts private on facebook or can anyone see them. Check your privacy settings to see if maybe people who aren't your friends can see them. I can't remember how it works though. Are there any people working nearby that could help you and alert you to anything unusual? Caretakers at the cemetery or nearby businesses that have night shifts. Could you ask to have the plot moved to a more secure or remote area. It might give you some peace. Can you look at the facebook history of the suspects and see if there are any recognizable speech patterns or phrases. It's not definitive but it might help you narrow your focus. Sometimes people are active in facebook groups, local ones are popular and you will see them as a member. Their comments won't shw up in their feed but you can see what they talk about from browsing the group. OOP No absolute pattern, but I find that the letters are often there 1-2 days after we have done something nice, planting flowers etc. But that's not the only times it happens. My facebook is set on friends only. There are mostly villas and a bakery close to the cemetary, but the cemetary got a brick wall around it (cant see above it from a car, but an adult can climb over it). I plan to go through the "suspects" posts on facebook and look for the same choice of words and spelling mistakes - that might actually be a effective way to narrow it down. Thanks for your input! Update Sept 3, 2016 (nearly 2 months later) Hi all, It’s been a while since I updated, and that’s because not much has happened. Anyway, it’s time for an update, since many of you have asked and I finally got something to report. On the 27th of august we had decided to visit the grave together (my wife rarely goes there in fear of what she might find) and as we are on our way to the place where you can barrow a vase for the flowers and fill in water and such, I spot a familiar face. It was C. our ex-neighbour with the suffering dog (see previous post for more info). Of couse she might have a grave there to visit too, even if she doesn’t live in the same town as us anymore. She must have arrived shortly after us and came walking in our direction, but slightly from the side. She was very sun tanned as if she had just returned from a vacation and the moment she caught me looking at her she turned around and walked out. I followed her, intending to talk to her, see if she seemed rational or if she showed any sign of guilt. But she was gone when I reached the parking lot. This is no proof, I’m aware. I scanned the entire graveyard for a stone with her family name on it and found nothing. Our child’s grave was not touched this time. This week I’ve been in contact with the office that can forbid people to keep pets if they have shown cruelty to animals in the past. Turns out that she had one of those issued to her, dated shortly after my wife reported the state of her dog and it was put down. She had been warned before, but it was the dog thing that closed the deal as I understand it. Motive enough or am I being paranoid here? It’s tricky – she COULD have a valid reason to be there, and walk out when she saw us because she dislikes us, but it could also be more sinister. FINAL COMMENTS [deleted] I have read your posts. My condolences to your family. This person is obviously very sick. When I read that letter, my blood caught on fire. I want to do anything to help you. You have to gather evidence on this person. My biggest fear for you is not finding who this person is, but once they are found out they will not stop and there is nothing your police can do to stop it because of the lack of evidence. Please take detailed notes on what has been happening the day you find the grave vandalized. Take photos of the damage. Also, figuring out when this vandal attacks could lead you closer to the suspect. Do they do this at night? What about the day? Has the Facebook idea you originally suspected been proven wrong? Are you absolutely sure your Facebook is private to everyone? Do you know everyone personally on your Facebook or could they be under a false account? What about holidays? Someone who vandals on a holiday likely doesn't have children. Someone who attacks in the middle of the week likely doesn't have a job that is all-day long. Obviously the neighbor has the most personal motive. The person who does these things likely has more time than the average person. They either don't have children or they don't have a good relationship with their family. Since a surveillance camera is out of the question, I would put a tape recorder in the ground and check daily. Even if you can't see the person, you can hear them. This will likely help you figure out if this person is working alone or at least what time they visit to better catch them or collect better evidence. Also, you can make your own trip-alarm system. here is how you make it. These directions give you a way to actually have the system call a phone once the alarm is activated. If you're not that technical maybe a friend could help you, or this kind of system could maybe be bought (I couldn't find any though). You could possibly have it hidden between flowers or decorations too-beautiful for the vandal not to destroy. I would indeed get in touch with the people who are in charge of the grave yard as well. Document all of these requests and attempts as they can prove that you have taken action in the past. OOP Sept 14, 2016 (11 days later) Thanks,very helpful with the trip-alarm system. Since we spotted C while visiting the grave nothing new has happened, but we still think about it all the time, it's always on our minds - who is doing this, and is it really over? We also worry if the arrival of our new baby might trigger a new respons. We make no baby posts on FB or other social media, and we notice who we start to think twice before telling people any information and my wife refuses to visit the grave on her own. It's a really upsetting situation but we're very grateful for the support. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cigweb_01 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for getting a DNA test to see if I share the same DNA as both my parents even though I was demanded specifically by my mom not to do so, since I was a child? Editor's note: added paragraph breaks and made small edits for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: infidelity, teenage pregnancy, controlling behaviors ---- Original Post: January 26, 2026 This post is longer than originally intended, you’ve been warned lol. So I, (19F) have always wanted to get a DNA test after weird suspicion that I might not be related to both or at least one of my parents. My mom (39F), we'll call her Alexa, had always treated me and my brother (18M) who is only a year younger than me, very different. I would always get hit more than him, I would get in more trouble even if he did the same bad thing I did as a child, she was usually more affectionate with him than me, Alexa would always go through my iPod/iPhone growing up and hit me for any minor or big thing she'd find, never went through my brothers phone even after he got his gf at the time, pregnant when he was only 16. He never got grounded for more than a day whereas I would be grounded for weeks on end. I was seen as the rebel child but now that I’m older, I feel as though I did what a lot of dumb kids/teenagers would have done. just not as bad as most. Anyways, my dad (41m) has never had much of an opinion on me taking a DNA test and is very nonchalant about everything. Mainly because Alexa lowkey controls him in some weird way that works for them. We weren’t close and he was barely present. I've always wanted to get tested somehow to see if we share the same DNA but when I lived with my family, I knew that'd never be possible. but I now live with my spouse 1,000 miles away from where I used to live, for almost 2 years now due to toxicity and not being happy. So I finally said screw it and paid for a DNA kit. When me and my wife recently went to visit my family for the holidays last month, we were playing a card game and one of my cards said “drink if you have ever gotten a DNA test” and I drank slowly just to test and see Alexa’s reaction. Her mood changed instantly to “you’re f*cking joking right?! are you stupid?” and the table went quiet and my wife gave me the onliest scared look, and I panicked because I thought she would have felt differently about it by now considering I don’t live with her so it technically wasn’t her decision. I said I was joking and awkwardly laughed. The reason why I thought Alexa would change her mind is because her oldest sister got a DNA test done august 2024 and it connected a relative, and it ended up being Alexa’s and her sisters long lost sister they didn’t know they had. I guess it’s different in this case because I’m Alexa’s daughter but still. I sent out my kit mid December and I’m supposed to get my results back around the beginning to mid February. I don’t know if I even have the guts to open it when the time comes because it feels like ultimate betrayal to my mother. I promised her growing up that I’d never do it and I did it anyway because she couldn’t physically stop me. Oh and another thing I thought I’d add, I have a different last name than any of my family members. extended included. My mom has her family last name until she got it hyphened to add my dad’s last name. My father and my brother share the same last name as well. Whenever I would question it, Alexa would react defensive. Never actually telling me where it came from or why I’m the only person from both sides of my family with that last name. I also don’t have my parents features, but my brother looks like a male version of my mom (Alexa). both of my parents have freckles on their face and body, I don’t have any. I have some green in my eyes, my family all have dark brown. This and some more minor situations. I am so used to being honest and open with my mother so this feels like a huge stab in the back that I can’t help but feel guilty for getting a DNA kit to begin with. My curiosity was eating my alive it was an impulsive purchase to give me a peace of mind. I’m stuck between telling my parents about the DNA test, regardless of what it says, if I even decide to see what it says. With that being said, AITAH for purchasing something against Alexa’s wishes through my childhood, that could potentially ruin family relationships? EDIT. Alexa (my mother) claimed at the delivery room when giving birth to me, nobody was at the delivery room. Then later, when brought up again, she claims her mom and her two sister were there with her. She claimed my dad was not in the delivery room because he was “sleeping” at his home. But then years later, she told me they were broken up when she had me and was pregnant with me. But my dad was there throughout it all when it came to my little brother’s delivery/her pregnancy. Alexa had also randomly told me about how her ex boyfriend had tried reaching out to her 2-3 years ago and she blocked him and ignored it. I tried asking why he’d try to reach out after all these years and she got defensive and randomly didn’t want to talk about it. Another odd interaction we had once was when I was much younger I asked about Alexa’s boyfriends before my dad. She told me she didn’t want to tell me about him because she thought I’d say something stupid. She told me about him after I kept pushing and she told me she got pregnant by him, but she had a miscarriage. She didn’t say how it could’ve happened, but she just did. Then I made a silly joke as a kid and said, “imagine he’s my dad?!” as I’m always make jokes about me being adopted. She got really angry and yelled at me for saying “stupid sh*t”. Also, Alexa has always been so secretive and weird about my documents whenever I needed them for school etc., and always refuses to give me my birth certificate because I’ll “lose it” and I’m “irresponsible”. Alexa gave me all my documents, other than my birth certificate. Now that I think of it, I’ve asked for it god knows how many times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before. but I will have to check to see if I possibly have it and may have skipped past it. EDIT: I will be getting a new birth certificate to find out whose names are on there. It doesn’t necessarily mean if my dad’s name is on there, that he is my bio dad. I did get my last name fully changed when me and my wife got married, considering my last name was of no significance and had no meaning. This won’t interfere with the results, right? NOTE!! Guys, you do not need a birth certificate to get married! Look it up, all they asked for was mine and my wife’s proof of identification. We only used our Id’s SMALL UPDATE: First off, it’s been 3 days since I last posted. I appreciate everyone for the helpful comments and opening my eyes to other possibilities to the situation that I didn’t think of. I also apologize for any confusion or If I do something wrong, this is my first reddit post/story. Anyways, I took into consideration what most of you said and took it upon myself to order my own birth certificate. After I texted Alexa 2 days ago for my birth certificate, and after her hesitating to send it to me and having to explain why I wanted it, she said she will send it. It’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard from her. Alexa went on a trip out of her state today and usually texts me when she takes off from a flight or lands. I got nothing. She’s been silent. So I don’t think she will be sending it to me so I ordered one that should be coming February 17(Estimated time). For everyone telling me to have my brother take a test, I will try my best to have him take one for me as well. (The test I took was the Ancestry DNA test). I responded to someone telling me to talk to him about getting a test done for himself, and I know he will do it for me when I explain in depth as to why. He knows how Alexa is and how she’s been with us growing up, especially with me, so he would do it if it meant helping me with something like this. I’ve read most of the comments and tried to answer them the best I could, it’s been busy. My results should be in by February 7th (Estimated time), I will probably update when they come in, unless if something else comes up. Feel free to ask questions and I’ll answer. Thank you for the people who privately messaged me with support and for helping me as well. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA Editor's note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing the top common questions asked Relevant Comments Commenter 1: You do understand that if your parents haven’t had their DNA tested, then they can’t show up in your profile. Your profile will only have people of blood relations who have been tested. That said, there is something so obviously cra-cra with your mother, your name and your physical appearance, OOP: I would just have to have certain ethnics that align with my parents. and if they don’t, I would be able to know which parent is or isn’t mine. also to see if I would match with someone else who potentially got a DNA test to, that isn’t related to me Commenter 2: You sound like an affair baby. Mom got knocked up, they decided it would just be easier to pretend you were dads baby. I'd love an update after you read the results. OOP: this is what I thought until everyone came up with theories that hadn’t crossed my mind up until now. there are pictures of my mom pregnant with my brother but I don’t think ive ever once seen a picture of her “pregnant” with me. Commenter 3: And your parents have never explained why you don’t have the same last name as anyone else? Did they think you wouldn’t wonder why that was the case? Did you ever directly ask your dad, why don’t I have your last name? OOP: they never explain it. especially my mom, she tries her best to avoid it. my dad just says “idk”. she said “I liked it” once. which is a lie because she told me growing up she always wanted to change my last name to her last name. not my dad’s, but hers only. but she never did it and don’t understand why. OOP gives an example of her family's last names for more context on why she has a different last name from her parents and brother OOP: (fake last names btw) my mom’s last name was “Marie” and that is her family last name. she married my dad when me and my brother were around 9 years old, my mom’s last name changed when she added my dad’s last name, being “Marie-Gonzalez”. My brothers last name and my dad’s last name remain as “Gonzalez” and always has been. no changes there. Not a single person on my mom’s or dad’s side has the last name “Delgado” like me. OOP needs to make sure that her mother is not intercepting her DNA testing mail OOP: oh I moved out April of 2024 so that’s not possible anymore luckily OOP on if she is closer to any extended family members OOP: We were always closer to my mom’s side of the family much more than my dad’s and never included in family activities on my dad’s side. that was until I found out my mom would reject them for the most part. I’m not close to my mom’s side anymore because I practically got disowned by most of them when I came out as a lesbian(they are hard Christians). being far away from home, made me realize how much neglect and judgment I took from my mom’s family and how each of them were crappy people anyway, so it was probably for the best, Has OOP received therapy? OOP: nope I had it for about 6 months until my parents cut me off from it when I turned 18. my brother is turning 19 in July and still is in therapy fully paid for him Commenter 4: You can order a copy of your birth certificate. Actually how did you get married without it? My county required us to bring ours to register for the marriage license. OOP: When we got married, the county only needed my id. maybe for other counties it’s like that but ours wasn’t Commenter 5: NTA. Did you take your wife’s last name instead of your made up one? And get your birth certificate reordered from the government-it may be interesting. OOP: yes I changed my last name entirely to my wife’s last name, ill be ordering my birth certificate asap Commenter 6: You have a different last name and you don't know where it came from?! I've never heard of such a thing. Have you seen your birth certificate? Some possibilities: - you were adopted and they never told you - you were kidnapped as an infant - you were never legally adopted, but your real parents gave you up and disappeared - someone you are related to committed a murder, never got caught, and getting a DNA test will lead investigators to them. - infidelity Few of these explain the last name thing. Birth certificate would be really helpful. It would have your parents names and should explain your last name. OOP: another thing I found really weird was she told me she was going to have an abortion and had one scheduled to abort me but didn’t sound like she had plans to abort the fetus that came before me with her ex, but she ended up having a miscarriage anyways. the only reason she didn’t follow through was because of her heavy Christian mother and her beliefs. OOP on her parents' background and how they knew each other OOP: my parents knew of each other and had mutual friends in high school. they didn’t start dating until my mom graduated. my dad is 2 years older than my mom. I don’t remember the exact year they got married but they were dating for years when my and my brother were growing up. until they decided when we were both ready to get married when I was around 10 years old and my brother being 9. OOP on if she has seen any pictures of Alexa being pregnant with her OOP: I’ve actually never seen a single picture of her pregnant with me. I’ve only seen one of my next to her as a baby while she was pregnant with my brother for her baby shower Did OOP get married at a younger age? OOP: Yes, I got married to her at a young age. I know. we got married when I was 18 in October (20)24.   Update #1: February 7, 2026 (nearly two weeks later) UPDATE: “AITAH for getting a DNA test to see if I share the same DNA as both my parents even though I was demanded specifically by my mom not to do so, since I was a child?” Hi, it’s been 11 days since my last post. If you’re new here, I added a link at the end of my post that should take you to my original post. The sub was for “AITAH” originally but I can only make 1 update so I will have to change it later on. I apologize for any confusion. (I’m a Female btw for those calling me a he lol) Anyways, I just wanted to give an update for everyone who has been asking for one. I was supposed to get my results in today for my Ancestry Dna test but it got delayed and won’t be in for about 2 weeks now. However, I ordered myself my own personal copy of my Birth Certificate since Alexa (my mother) refuses to send me mine. This Tuesday coming up will make 2 weeks since Alexa and I have spoke. Which isn’t normal. The most was go without talking is 3 days, and that’s not very often. Alexa has since ghosted me since I texted her asking for my Birth Certificate. Two days after our last convo about my BC, Alexa left on a trip for a few days. Every single time she gets on a flight, arrives at the airport, and lands, she texts me to let me know because I worry and have a fear of planes. Alexa did not text me any details or even let me know she got there safely or landed. But she chose to text my brother that doesn’t even reply to her when she does. Not that she had to, it’s just not what she does. The day she got back from her trip, she did not reach out to me or let me know when she landed. Which just leaves me with so much more suspicion. Everyone was telling me to reach out to my brother and talk to him about getting an Ancestry test done for the next time I see him (without Alexa knowing of course). I called my brother and told him briefly what’s going on and how I’ve had no contact with Alexa and have been getting ghosted for almost 2 weeks. I asked him if I can buy him a DNA kit for him and he can do this for me so I can see how much/if we’re related. He surprisingly said yes and that he’s been wanting to do one, just to see his background. He was more okay with it after I told him, it was for free and I’d be paying for it. So, we agreed I’d buy it and when he comes to my state to visit me and my wife, to prevent Alexa from seeing or finding out about it, and we will do it then. Also, Alexa tends to send me a TikTok post or an Instagram reel, probably about 10 times a day at least. She hasn’t sent a single one but is active because I see that she still reposts. I responded to one of her posts she sent me, a day after our conversation about my BC, and she left me on seen. I don’t know what is going on or what Alexa thinks she will achieve by ghosting me, for me to probably/potentially find out the truth eventually. But this will most likely strain our relationship. My 20th is in 2 months and the last time we spoke on the phone 2 weeks ago, she wanted to call me back and arrange something for her to come out and see me. She has yet to do that, but I don’t even know if I want that to happen anymore. I’m lost about whether or not I should reach out, but I’m too pissed to even have a calm and productive conversation with her. For now, I will answer any questions you guys have for me. Thank you for everyone who messaged me privately and for all the helpful and kind comments. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I remember reading your original post. Your mother is acting extremely strange. Especially now that she knows you have done the test. Something is going on, or did go on at the time of your birth. You could possibly belong to that boyfriend that she refused to talk about. Did you get his first name? If so, Google his first name and your last name to see if you get a hit. That might explain why you are the only one with a different last name. If she has been trying to keep that a secret, she could not have acted more suspicious about things. The fact that she punished you more than your brother is odd too. OOP: She never wanted to disclose his name or anything further than he was her boyfriend before my “father”. Also, Alexa doesn’t know I took the test. I told her I needed my BC for a new passport to change my last name to my wife’s last name Commenter 2: I will also add after rereading your first post, your mom sounds like she physically abused you growing up. You mention she hit you. Why have you stayed so close given all these things you mention? doesn’t sound like she has treated you well ever but yet you have continued to try to stay close to her. I know it’s hard but it might be time for you to distance yourself from her and talk to a therapist to deal with everything she has put you through. She sounds toxic and controlling at minimum. Nothing Alexa is doing or has done is normal for a loving mom. OOP: I’ve learned that none of what she did to me was okay. To confirm what you said, yes she did used to hurt me with objects and without, growing up. I definitely need to seek some kind of therapy for a lot of damage she caused in my life because in my mind, I was “bad” and deserved it. My wife tells me otherwise and helps me see things from a different perspective, telling me it was definitely not normal   Thanks to u/BigONerd for locating the deleted post!! UPDATE/ dna results FOR: “AITAH for getting a dna test to see if I share the same dna as both my parents even though I was demanded specifically by my mom not to do so, since I was a child?”: February 11, 2026 (four days later) Hi everyone. (I’ll add the link to my second post at the bottom) From now on, I’m going to refer to my mother as my mom. Everyone kept calling my post fake for calling my mom “Alexa” so I will be calling her my mom. Onto the update, I got my results yesterday at 6 am. As soon as my wife saw the notification that they came in, she woke me up and I haven’t been able to sleep since. When I opened up my Ancestry test, I immediately went to “matches” and noticed I only matched with people on my moms side that I recognized. But I matched more with a woman on my father’s side that I had more of a match with, compared to my mom’s sister. I didn’t recognize the name at all or any of the names that came up on my father’s side of the family. I reached out to my aunt and my dad’s mom(grandma) asking if anyone’s ever done a dna test. My Tia said yes, multiple of them have. My concerns only grew even more after that. She spoke to me for a little, then my grandma and Tia said they’d talk to my parents for me and tell them to call me (mind you, it’s been 2 weeks since me and my mom spoke so I was sh*tting bricks) I answered my mom’s call and she told me the truth with my dad in the room absolutely sobbing in the background. You guys already know where this is going. My mom is explaining to me that my father is my father because he raised me and loves me, but when she was 19 years old, she got pregnant by a man 10 years older than her, she met on vacation where she used to live. When she came back to her home state, she found out, and told him over the phone that she was pregnant. My mom didn’t want him to be part of my life because he didn’t take my mom serious when she was 19 and he was like 30. She at this time, reconnected with my dad (that raised me)and they began dating again. But she told him that she and him couldn’t be together because she was pregnant with another man’s baby. My dad stepped up because my mom decided she wanted my bio dad entirely out the picture, and my dad loved her and wanted to stay with her. My dad was crying and asking if he was still my dad. That broke me. My mom answered questions I had about him and he still lives in the state that they met at, and 2 more kids. I have a little sister a year younger than me, and an older brother who is 30 years old. I’ve since, been in contact with my bio dad and have been getting to know each other and telling me so much about my brother and sister. Which I now contact and I adore them both. Things feel as if I’ve known them my whole life. I made it clear to him of course that I want him to be patient with me and that I already have a dad who I will only ever see as my dad. So I call him by his name. I have the same features as all of them and look so identical to them both. I get my eyes from him as well. My bio dad has some very strong features. I do need space from my mother for now because it’s a lot to process and come to terms with the fact that she treated me the way she did just because I look like my bio dad. I love her but it’s just a lot, and people have been texting and calling to tell me they still love me, blood or not. It’s all just so overwhelming. On that note, I will be going to the club this weekend. This wasn’t entirely detailed but I constant get bs for making essay long stories so any questions you guys may have, I’m happy to answer. Thank you for all of the supportive and kind comments, I didn’t think my post would get millions of views but I’m happy my story interested and intrigued many people. (I’m sorry for any typos)   Editor's note: the next update was saved before it got removed Update #2: February 11, 2026 (same day, TL;DR of the deleted longer version) FINAL UPDATE FOR: "AITAH for getting a DNA test to see if I share the same DNA as both my parents even though I was demanded specifically by my mom not to do so, since I was a child?" Hi reddit. I’m really trying to process everything and still decided to write a reddit story about the story about what’s been going on with my biological father before taking it down. I'm not going to keep correcting people who call my post fake so I deleted my post that was in depth. Long story short, my dad that raised me isn’t my bio dad. My bio dad got my mom pregnant when she was 19 and he was 30, and I have 2 other siblings I found out about, so I have 3 siblings total. Thank you to the people who have genuinely helped me and been supportive.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/tsstan1 Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Status: Concluded Trigger Warning: Emotional Infidelity Mood Spoiler: Depressing Original - January 26th 2021 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. Our relationship with each other is amazing, and I can honestly say I haven't felt this way about anyone I've previously dated. A bit about him: He's sort of an introvert in that while he's definitely social, he doesn't talk too much and when he does it's still very restrained, as in well-parsed. He is this way with everyone. Except this one friend of his. I'd sort of met her before because my best friend is a mutual friend of ours. (My bf and I actually met through my best friend). My bf knows her because she has been his close friend for almost 5 years now. Apparently they were neighbors in their university dorm and they also had the same program. My boyfriend and her seem to share a kind of connection that I honestly can't say I do with him. He talks so much when she's present. His whole demeanor changes. The widest I've seen him smile has been when she's present. If there's a bunch of us in a room the two of them will have these shared references and inside jokes. A couple of months back, my bf had fractured his foot and was bed-ridden for the most part. She came to give him food literally every day. You could actually see his face brighten when he learned she'd come. I sometimes feel that if you take away the sexual aspect of my relationship with him, it might not hold up against what he has with her. She broke up with her bf a few months back too, and it's gotten to the point where I'm actively trying to set her up with someone. The worst part about this is that she's likeable. She's attractive, she has this dorky sort of humor that my bf loves, the food she was making for him was amazing. My bf is into science documentaries and I'm not so we've never really watched them. She doesn't seem that into it either but she watched it with him, kept asking him stuff, and he was so enthusiastic in his explanations. I've now started doing stuff he wants just to emulate that. What prompted me into coming here happened this weekend. She had come over and my bf wanted ice cream so we went to a nearby creamery. The two of them were done with their orders because they already knew what they wanted (which incidentally happened to be the same flavor ugh) while I like taking my time testing stuff. There was an old lady with what seemed like her granddaughter, who noticed that they had the same flavors, and said "you two look great together". My bf corrected her, but god did that hurt. I just don't know what to do. Are they even doing anything wrong? What do I even complain to him about? Am I in over my head here? Relevant Comments: Comment 1: I feel that some comments are really inconsiderate to the OP because if you’d place yourself in the shoes of the OP I am certain many would comment differently. I will not lie and say that I would have flares of insecurity as well if that would be my boyfriend. I can imagine seeing the inside banter between them that would make it seem like there is chemistry in the air. However, this could be very well something only your mind would focus on while both your BF and this female friend don’t think of anything but having a good friendly time., especially due to the amount of time they have known each other. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation just bring it up in a calm manner with your BF. It is okay to ask reassurance sometimes, doesn’t mean you are sabotaging the relationship. Communication is key. Comment 2: I’d feel insecure if I was in your position too. I think you just have to talk to him about how this makes you feel, or it’s always going to drive you crazy. It doesn’t sound like you suspect them of doing anything, so start by telling him that you believe he’d never cheat you and you’re not accusing him of anything-but sometimes their interactions make you feel uncomfortable. From your perspective, bringing him food everyday while he was injured is something that a spouse/partner would do. Also tell him you notice that out of all of his friends, he only replies to her texts. Hopefully he understands where you’re coming from. Make sure you’re clear that you don’t want to stop their friendship, because you feel like she’s your friend too, but you’d appreciate it if he was more aware about how this makes you feel because their friendship makes you feel like a third wheel. Good luck and keep us posted! OP: Thanks. Asking in this manner wouldn't come across as jealous? Comment 3: It's okay to feel a little jealous too. People assume that jealousy is the end all to all relationships but at the end of the day, it's just an emotion, one which can be navigated as well. Maybe you could imply that you're envious of the close relationship they have and you would love to share more of his interests so that you could feel like a part of it too. Also it's natural to be a little jealous here, as long as you dont cross any boundaries in their friendship and communicate openly, there's nothing wrong with feeling this way either. Comment 4: Ngl, I couldn’t handle that type of relationship dynamic with my SO. Some of you are super secure, and that’s great, but for me the paranoia and insecurity would just be overwhelming. OP I'm not going to give you any objective advice, because this is all about personal comfort, but knowing myself this isn't something that I could get over regardless of reassurance from an SO. I'd personally rather date somebody that has close friendships with people of their same gender. Comment 5: I've been through such a situation and it haunted me for the duration of the relationship. I didn't understand why he couldn't have such a connection with me and that hurt me the most. I wanted what they had. . I now have my best friend in my relationship, because that's what I always wanted and that's what hurt me in that other relationship - not them (he & her-his BFF). Hope this gives some perspective. OP: This is very much how I feel. Like I have friends too, and my bf has friends besides her too, including other female friends, whom he's close to as well. What he seems to have with her is on some other level though. Maybe I'm not able to put it in words which is why I'm apparently coming across as super insecure and jealous, or maybe they're right I am being that way. But you seem to have gone through a similar thing, so it's not irrational then. Comment 6 (downvoted): Would you feel differently if she was his sister? OP: Ofcourse OP (in response to a long comment): I have male friends that I'm close with, and he's got female friends other than her that he's close to as well. He's never had a problem with mine, and I've never had a problem with them. I guess it came across in the post as if I have an issue with him having a female friend or even close friends in general, but that's not the case, I'm perfectly ok with that. His guy friends come over fairly regularly and sometimes it'll be his entire squad, including the girls, and it's literally never been an issue. His bond with her seems to be something else though, even considering that they've been friends for 5 years or w/e. Their compatibility almost seems to be seamless, they just seem to care about each other a lot (I know that's not a bad thing). What sucks is that he's actually the best guy I've been with. I really don't want to end this, I'd planned on being with him for the long run, everything has been great except for this one thing, which really isn't his fault either. Comment 7: He’s known her for nearly five years longer than he’s known you - they’re bound to have a connection. But he’s not dating her - he’s dating you. And while he’s clearly had opportunities to date this girl, he doesn’t see her that way, and it sounds like she doesn’t see him that way either. If she’s likeable, I’d stop worrying about if and just try to be friends with her. Any sign of paranoia on your part here is just going to sabotage your relationship. OP: I have told myself this a lot, that he's known me for 6 months while he's had friends whom he's known much longer. But I guess what bothers me is how he's one kind of person to all his friends, many of whom he's known for about the same length as her, but a totally different person for her. Like for example he's notorious for being terrible at answering texts to the point that it's a running joke. But he'll always reply to her as soon as he gets one. idk, maybe I'm thinking too much into it. Comment 8: This sounds really difficult. I am in a similar situation but I am your boyfriend. My best friend of 18 years is a dude. We are practically the same person. We don't have to even fully express an idea before the other has finished and is up and running with it. He's chronically ill and I have traveled to care for him months at a time. I have often referred to him as the male version of me and we share all the same interests. I have been with my husband for 20 years. We are so different from one another. We share some interests but not all. However, we share values and goals. I love my husband and the idea of being without makes me feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to be with my bff. From the outside it doesn't really make a lot of sense to people who don't know me best. I can't really explain it to you. My husband is just home. He's been 'home' since the first time I met him. I have to work harder at my relationship with him than with my bff but it's so worth it. My advice is to talk to your boyfriend about your insecurity then trust him. He sounds like a great guy. OP about when the friend and her bf broke up: Ya, she broke up with her bf around 3-4 months ago. Update: - January 28th 2021 Thank you for the advice in the original post. I had decided to not bring it up with my bf. Some comments had made the compelling point that they hadn't really done anything wrong and I was letting my insecurities ruin a relationship. I didn't want to ruin what has been an amazing relationship just because I let my mind run amok. Since then I'd entered the relationship with a positive mindset, we spent all day yesterday together, doing stuff that each of us wanted to do. Today, I thought we would try out a new Chinese place which is near where he works (he's on wfh again). After the advice I'd received, I thought that new shared experiences is what would create the connection I wanted between the two of us. He told me that yeah, it's good, he'd tried it with her a few weeks ago (before the second lockdown had started) during lunch. (They both work in the downtown area and I guess they're close enough to meet up for lunch). I know it's a small thing, and going for lunch together with a friend is w/e but it was just the fact that this was another shared experience lost that just got to me. I opened up to him about how I felt like an outsider when him and his friend were together, about how I couldn't relate to the stuff they talked about and all that. He was incredibly comforting. He apologized and said that he didn't realize it, that he should've figured that would be the case, and he's going to make sure I don't feel that way. This is where I fucked up. I think I let my insecurities get the better of me here and I got greedy. I told him about how I felt she was doing stuff that I should be doing as his gf, that his relationship with her made me feel like a third wheel, and that sometimes I felt some boundaries were being crossed inadvertently. He said he was sorry about that but "she's a very important person in my life. We've been through a lot together in the last 5 years". He asked me why they couldn't be close as friends and what was wrong with her trying to help him out during a tough time (referring to the daily food stuff). I didn't have an answer to that. What he was saying just made sense. I told him that I wanted our relationship to mature further, that I felt I wasn't getting to be that important person in his life. He apologized and said he would made sure I didn't feel that way, that it was his fault, but "she shouldn't be punished for our mistakes". At this point I started to cry for some reason. I can't explain it. Him putting himself at fault for everything is the last thing I wanted. He seemed so distraught during all of it, and I hate what this convo did to him. I'm so ashamed that I let my insecurities hurt us like this. He kept comforting me. We've said we're good but there just seems to be this feeling in the air that I hate. I don't know if I just fucked it up, but I'm going to make sure it's not irreversible, and not let my insecurities get the better of me. Relevant Comments: Comment 1: It’s a good thing that you were open and honest about it though. Stop feeling bad and thinking you messed up. Otherwise this would have eaten away at you for so long, you could have ended up being resentful in the big picture. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you feel in any way. I would not be comfortable with the situation either because it’s really not normal. And I know a lot of other people would agree. I don’t really have much advice except that I feel bad for you that you’re going through this and you keep beating yourself up over it. There is a real problem in your relationship and you keep directing it back at yourself. Saying the things about you being the one that is screwing up and your insecurities are the problem and you feeling like you have to fix things. When you should be exploring things together, as a team. I can’t help but wonder if after the conversation of your boyfriend feels this much anguish over the direction of the relationship and wondering how to move forward? I’m sorry you’re going through this. Comment 2: Just want to jump in here to further emphasize what other posts have said: you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. We all have our own boundaries, and sure, some people from your old post may feel like your bf and his friend aren’t crossing a boundary... but that’s for THEM. They aren’t the ones in the relationship, YOU are. With that said, OP, you can then see if there’s something you and your bf can agree on. If it were me, I’d think about what my hard boundaries are and why they’re a boundary for me, that way I can explain to my bf clearly what I want out of all of this. You obviously care about his long term relationship with his friend, so make it clear to him that you don’t want to get in the way of his friendship but you also want to be comfortable in your own relationship with him. Lastly, It seems to me that he doesn’t really understand how his friendship with her is causing you discomfort, so this may be something you’ll have to revisit. To me, it’s clear that you see his friend doing things or filling in roles in his life which you’re supposed to have. If that’s the case, then explain that. He asked you questions you couldn’t answer, so perhaps, next time you talk (if you choose to have another talk with him- which I advise, considering how you’re feeling), think on these things deeply beforehand so that you can give him answers. Good luck and hugs to you. I’ve been through a similar situation so I know these are hard to deal with. OP: The friend thing could be in my head idk. The best thing might be to ignore my thoughts about her. He promised to help me out in this whole situation as much as possible. I feel like the relationship is b/w me and my bf and we should just work on and enjoy that. OP (in response to a deleted comment): By the time we reach a stage where we're getting married, our relationship would have filled whatever gaps there seem to be right now. And that's what I think me and him should be looking at going forward. Comment 3: babe, do you really want to be in a relationship that has 3 people in it? i bet if guys break up, she's going to be the next person he dates. and that's fucked up. OP: That's how I was thinking about it before and I just think I was being OTT about it. The relationship is between me and him and that's all that matters. His friend shouldn't matter. I think it's best to ignore these kind of insecure thoughts and that's one thing I need to work on. My bf OTOH will be making sure I don't feel left out like he promised. OP (in response to advice about sharing experiences with bf): Thank you for the perspective. We're definitely in a much better place since we talked even though at the time I thought it was a disaster lol. And I do find a lot of his hobbies interesting, I've slowly been learning chess and playing with him a lot (which is hard because he's on another level), he's been teaching me basketball, we've been sharing our music styles with each other etc. The documentaries were one thing that I hadn't tried with him (they were 2 hours long) and now I'vs started doing that too. I just wanted to say this because a fair number of comments (not you) have been telling me I'm not putting enough effort in the relationship based on that one thing alone. And ofcourse, I never wanted to ostracize her, I'm sorry if it cam across that way. Update2: March 3rd 2021 I'd been feeling a bit resentful about the advice at the time since I thought my convo with him had hurt our relationship but it had honestly proven to be a windfall for it. He told me he was glad that I'd talked to him and he didn't know before if I was serious about us, but he did now. We'd been creating a lot of "us time", and he'd been going the extra mile for me since. We even went to a cottage for the entire Valentine's weekend. I wasn't feeling left out any more and felt our relationship was so much more secure, so I'd really come to be grateful for the advice here. For the past week, I felt like something was bothering him, but he kept saying it was nothing. I had noticed a few things though. He just seemed a bit uncomfortable sometimes especially when he was on his phone. I wanted to give him space to tell me about it when he felt like he should, because I know he prefers that. He also goes to her place around twice a week, but now he was insisting that I come along too and once when I initially said I wasn't up for it, he started trying to convince one of his best friends who lives close by. She also hadn't come over all week. Like I had said before, I never wanted to ruin a friendship that means a lot to him, so I did think that maybe that's what had happened but I didn't think too much about. I also hadn't made the connection between this and my bf feeling bothered. Yesterday, I asked him again, what was bothering him and that I just wanted to help him. He told me that he had thought that he shouldn't tell this to anyone but he'd thought about it a bit more and concluded that he'd want to know if he was in my position, that she had told him a week ago when they were just chilling that she used to have feelings for him and that's what made her feel wrong in continuing her previous relationship, but that she was happy for him and us now and that it was in the past. I felt sick in the stomach when I heard this. I know it's in the past that the fact that she felt strongly enough about him that it affected her relationship bothers me so much. It sort of got heated between us. I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it. I was still so angry at this whole thing, and I was also in a way angry at her, because our relationship was finally in such an amazing place. We kept arguing for a bit, and he said that she'd also been feeling terrible about it. He also showed me a couple of texts he'd gotten from her. She was asking him if they were still friends that she'd opened up to him because she just felt like she could tell him anything, and that she'd been feeling as if she'd ruined their friendship and she didn't want that to happen, and that it was in the past, and my bf was telling her that it was w/e and apologized for acting weird. I know my boyfriend is trying to look at from a compassionate perspective, and the texts did make me feel a bit sorry for her, but just the fact that while we were dating, she was into him while in our room just upsets me. Also, our relationship has been growing so strong and I feel like I should treat this thing as a minor nuisance but I can't stop thinking about it. I know in my last post a lot of comments and some messages I had gotten in my inbox had told me that I was being crazy and insecure and some even said I should seek therapy, but isn't this a vindication of how I was feeling? I understand that people cant control who they develop feelings for and true, she hasn't acted on it, but how do I get over the feeling of just wanting her out of our lives? Am I even wrong in thinking this way anymore? Relevant Comments: Comment 1: I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it. That's very generous of him but she did act on it every time she did something you felt was over the line and into girlfriend territory. Just because she didn't try to make out with him doesn't mean she didn't act on it. Those daily meals? Those documentaries she wasn't into but watched anyway. I'm sure there are other things that made you want to ask who the girlfriend is. You guys had to have a come jesus conversation about it right? She probably told him to test the waters and see if she should be acting on it. If he had given her a hint of interest do you think her feelings would have stayed "in the past" ? It’s a good thing that you were open and honest about it though. Stop feeling bad and thinking you messed up. Otherwise this would have eaten away at you for so long, you could have ended up being resentful in the big picture. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you feel in any way. I would not be comfortable with the situation either because it’s really not normal. And I know a lot of other people would agree. I don’t really have much advice except that I feel bad for you that you’re going through this and you keep beating yourself up over it. There is a real problem in your relationship and you keep directing it back at yourself. Saying the things about you being the one that is screwing up and your insecurities are the problem and you feeling like you have to fix things. When you should be exploring things together, as a team. I can’t help but wonder if after the conversation of your boyfriend feels this much anguish over the direction of the relationship and wondering how to move forward? I’m sorry you’re going through this. OP: Thank you. You're so right, all that stuff that I'd chalked up to her having a connection with him, and that other people in my previous posts had just chalked up to her having known my bf for a long time, could have been her acting on her feelings, and I'll be honest, that thought makes me sick. Comment 2: OP I read through your posts. Your bf honestly sounds like a great guy and he's put in the effort to grow and develop your connect. So the question is, do you trust him? Because her and her intentions are irrelevant here. If he's worth it and the relationship is worth it, relax and trust him to be the man he's already shown you he is. OP: I do trust him, but it still makes me uncomfortable. Comment 3: I agree that she should not have told him about her past feelings. If she really wanted to move on she wouldn't need him to know. I understand your frustration with her, but please don't be mad at your boyfriend. So far he hasn't done anything to make you distrust him and he told you about what she said when he didn't know if he should. Don't be mad at him for telling you about the situation, because that might make it harder for him to he open with you in the future. Regardless it sounds like he is trying to progress the relationship with you and not be alone with her. Trust him! OP: Thank you for the comment. I'm not mad at him, and I trust him completely. I'm just frustrated at this entire thing, especially the timing of it, precisely because our relationship has been in such an amazing place of late. Comment 4: Your boyfriend sounds like an amazing guy. As for the friend confessing, I don't blame her at all. My best friend is a guy. I love him very much as a friend and have a similar relationship to what your bf has with her. She wanted to be honest with him as a friend. To me, she didn't try anything. Those meals? Documentaries? Maybe she did have feelings for him then. But at least she came clean to him. To move forward on her own. Maybe it's seen as selfish but I get it. But at least she was honest with him. Do you trust him? What more do you want him to do? Would you rather him hide the truth from you? Has he given you cause to suspect him? What do you want him to do from here? You can only work on yourself and continue to trust him. Maybe talking to her yourself would give you peace of mind. Discussing boundaries. Honestly, I would be jealous too if I were in your position, but just know that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. And not her. Take care. OP: My bf and I had a conversation over this (I posted in my final update) and while it wasn't what I would have ideally wanted, I'm just going to continue to trust him, and not spare a second thought to her, harsh as that may sound, and just ensure our relationship goes from strength to strength. Update3: March 7th 2021 After my convo with my boyfriend when he'd told me about how his gf used to feel and how he'd never felt anything towards her, I'd told myself that now that I knew he didn't feel that way, this wouldn't bother me. But it did, to the point where I was actively harboring negative feelings for her in my head. A couple of Redditors had given me the advice that maybe have one last talk in a calm manner, so I did that yesterday when we both were in a good mood with the intention of this being the last time I ever talked about her. I started off with telling him how I loved him and that our relationship had become so strong and that we were a team, so I didn't know why he felt he had to be uncomfortable alone rather than confide in me. He said that he loved me too, and that when his friend had shared her past feelings with him, he felt that she thought it was only meant for him, which is why he was conflicted but that I was right and that our relationship was strong enough that others should know that if its something that indirectly affects our relationship, we would be telling each other about it. I then opened up to him about how I felt so weird about the fact that she decided to put her feelings out there for him, that what if she still felt the same way, and that the fact that there was a time when the three of us were in a room and from her perspective the situation would be improved if I wasn't there bothered me so much. He told me that she'd sworn that her feelings were in the past, that they were both super high at the time and she'd also had a few drinks, so this wasn't a calculated move on her part. That she'd never ever made a pass at him, and that she probably felt she could trust him to not feel weird when she said that, and that if he acted cold towards her now, he'd be punishing her for being forthright. He said that he loved me and I was his main priority, and he wanted to be with me for good. (I said I felt the same way). That if I felt so uncomfortable about it, he'd do whatever I wanted to feel comfortable, but if I could just give it another thought and that I had no reason to be bothered. That if I trusted him, then "there were no possible chain of events that could hurt our relationship". That she was one of his four best friends whom he trusted with everything and who'd been with him through everything in the past, that all he wanted was for me to just look at it once more but he'd do whatever he could to comfort me. I did think about it in that moment and decided that ok, I guess what he was saying did make sense, there is a chance that I'm wrong though I don't think I am but I trusted him and didn't want this to be a thorn in our relationship. So I said, ok but she had to maintain some boundaries until I came to terms with it. He agreed. We agreed that she shouldn't get to be alone with him excessively until I'm ok with it, that I would always be the first port of call for him and he said that if at any point I felt lines were being crossed he would reevaluate. It was an incredibly uncomfortable convo for both of us and I hated every second of it but I feel it had to be done. I'm done with this chapter and dont want to take her name between us again. I'm thankful to all the people who game me advice and my relationship with my bf has gone from strength to strength. Thanks, and I hope (and believe) that I will never have to post here again. Relevant Comments: Comment 1: What is he talking about? He already lead the relationship down a path with this friendship that hurt your relationship? Also the only reason she would trust him not to feel weird is if she thought he reciprocated her feelings. This really isn't about what you want him to do but about what he's willing to do proactively. In this case he wants you to grant him another pass, with this friend. Only a month after telling him you were sick of her shit. He seems more concerned with the friend's feelings than he does with yours so I don't think that has actually occurred to him. God forbid the friend should actually suffer the consequences of her actions. I genuinely would love to know the why he thinks she should have trusted him not to be weird after that confession? Why? It would be perfectly normal for a confession like that to completely alter the dynamic of the friendship. So why has he convinced himself that all this situation needs is your trust. She's the one who has crossed the boundaries but you are the one who is being asked concede. Why is he so comfortable with moving past this? Has he at the very least apologized for putting you through this? OP: Yes, he did, he said he was so sorry for how his behavior with his friend had been making me feel uncomfortable and upset, and that he'd enforce the boundaries that we had just agreed to, so I could feel comfortable with her, although I don't know if I can ever reach a stage where I'm comfortable with her for a while. OP (in response to a comment about whether the friend apologized and if the friend was a factor in OP's bf and his ex breaking up): In the texts that he showed where she was expressing remorse for her confession, she did say that she was happy for us and would never want to jeopardize our relationship, but nothing about me specifically I guess. I don't care for an apology right now. I never want to discuss her again in our relationship. When by bf and I had our convo about how I felt that sometimes I wasn't as close to him as she was emotionally, a month or so ago, he did follow it up by going the extra mile for me, and making sure I felt like I was the most important person in his life. Which is why I can't see why he would renege on the boundaries we set in this convo, and the fact that he would make adjustments for any discomfort I feel. I believe their relationship ended because the distance and constant commute just took its toll, even though from what he said the two of them tried their best to make it work at the time. Update4: December 8th 2021 This is the most pain I've ever been in. I thought we were good. He told me he'd distance himself from his friend and kept true to it this entire time. He reached out to her because of a death in her family and even I said ya ofc you should do that. This was less than two months ago. Last night I was told he had to give a relationship with her a chance. Everything sucks. Relevant Comments: Comment 1: I’m so sorry you were a second choice to him all along. You deserve better than that. Please do not accept him back when his “thing” with a friend doesn’t work out. Comment 2: Dw karma will eat his ass up when she dumps him and he feels the pain you feel. I promise you what comes around goes around, it’s inevitable. Comment 3: I just read all your posts, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. That other girl had no right to mention her "past" feelings to him. It was unfair to you and your relationship. She mentioned them because she wanted to have your bf be the one to do something, so she didn't look like it was all her idea. The fact that your bf played along with it and has now actually told you he wants to try something with her is cold and heartless. You are a strong individual, and I know this may hurt now but don't you dare let it consume you. If he comes to you to try and apologize or talk, or even try and get back with you don't accept shit. He's just shown you his priorities and what type of selfish people he and this girl are. Block them both and cut them out of your life, and you focus on yourself and finding someone who will choose you. Keep your head up! OP: Thank you so much. I just don't understand. Everything had worked out. We were in such a good place. I'm really trying to move ahead. Thank you. OP (in response to a comment bucking her up): Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I've really been trying to move past this, I can't right now because it came out of nowhere, but I'm just trying to see it through. It's been incredibly confusing, we'd been so good, I thought we were going all the way. I'm just trying to go through time hour by hour. Thank you for the kind words. Epilogue (OP posting in r/offmychest 8 days ago): January 27th 2026 I swore I'd never use this account again but I need a place to be pathetic. Its so stupid that I care about this but I can't get past how completely unfair the world is. Seriously, karma is bs we tell ourselves to be happy. The people who hurt you win in life. They go on to get married, and start families, the kind of family that you had discussed with them and planned names for and thought about family pets. 4 years ago my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for almost 2 years, had talked about marriage with, a family with, decided he need to try with his best friend and see where it goes. After I had brought up with him how their closeness made me uncomfortable. On reddit's advice BTW. I even think it was a mistake bringing it up, I resent all those who told me it needed to be solved. I was HAPPY with the way things were. Instead I basically told him hey your best friend's better for you than I am. Insane advice. I was with a mutual friend of ours yesterday and we were discussing what to gift to one of our friends for her baby shower. I was like its my first baby shower, and she was like shes only been to

This post is longer than originally intended, you’ve been warned lol. So I, (19F) have always wanted to get a dna test after weird suspicion that I might not be related to both or at least one of my parents. My mom (39F), we'll call her Alexa, had always treated me and my brother (18M)who is only a year younger than me, very different. I would always get hit more than him, I would get in more trouble even if he did the same bad thing I did as a child, she was usually more affectionate with him than me, Alexa would always go through my iPod/iPhone growing up and hit me for any minor or big thing she'd find, never went through my brothers phone even after he got his gf at the time, pregnant when he was only 16. He never got grounded for more than a day where as I would be grounded for weeks on end. I was seen as the rebel child but now that im older, I feel as though I did what a lot of dumb kids/teenagers would have done. just not as bad as most. Anyways, my dad (41m) has never had much of an opinion on me taking a dna test and is very nonchalant about everything. Mainly because Alexa lowkey controls him in some weird way that works for them. We weren’t close and he was barely present. l've always wanted to get tested somehow to see if we share the same dna but when I lived with my family, I knew that'd never be possible. but I now live with my spouse 1,000 miles away from where i used to live, for almost 2 years now due to toxicity and not being happy. So I finally said screw it and payed for a dna kit. When me and my wife recently went to visit my family for the holidays last month, we were playing a card game and one of my cards said “drink if you have ever gotten a dna test” and I drank slowly just to test and see Alexa’s reaction. Her mood changed instantly to “you’re f*cking joking right?! are you stupid?” and the table went quiet and my wife gave me the onliest scared look, and I panicked because I thought she would have felt differently about it by now considering I don’t live with her so it technically wasn’t her decision. I said I was joking and awkwardly laughed. The reason why I thought Alexa would change her mind is because her oldest sister got a dna test done august 2024 and it connected a relative, and it ended up being Alexa’s and her sisters long lost sister they didn’t know they had. I guess it’s different in this case because I’m Alexa’s daughter but still. I sent out my kit mid December and I’m supposed to get my results back around the beginning to mid February. I don’t know if I even have the guts to open it when the time comes because it feels like ultimate betrayal to my mother. I promised her growing up that I’d never do it and i did it anyway because she couldn’t physically stop me. Oh and another thing I thought I’d add, I have a different last name than any of my family members. extended included. My mom has her family last name until she got it hyphened to add my dad’s last name. My father and my brother share the same last name as well. Whenever I would question it, Alexa would react defensive. Never actually telling me where it came from or why I’m the only person from both sides of my family with that last name. I also don’t have my parents features, but my brother looks like a male version of my mom (Alexa). both of my parents have freckles on their face and body, I don’t have any. I have some green in my eyes, my family all have dark brown. This and some more minor situations. I am so used to being honest and open with my mother so this feels like a huge stab in the back that I can’t help but feel guilty for getting a dna kit to begin with. My curiosity was eating my alive it was an impulsive purchase to give me a peace of mind. I’m stuck between telling my parents about the dna test, regardless of what it says, if I even decide to see what it says. With that being said, AITAH for purchasing something against Alexa’s wishes through my childhood, that could potentially ruin family relationships? EDIT. Alexa(my mother) claimed at the delivery room when giving birth to me, nobody was at the delivery room. Then later, when brought up again, she claims her mom and her two sister were there with her. She claimed my dad was not in the delivery room because he was “sleeping” at his home. But then years later, she told me they were broken up when she had me and was pregnant with me. But my dad was there throughout it all when it came to my little brother’s delivery/her pregnancy. Alexa had also randomly told me about how her ex boyfriend had tried reaching out to her 2-3 years ago and she blocked him and ignored it. I tried asking why he’d try to reach out after all these years and she got defensive and randomly didn’t want to talk about it. Another odd interaction we had once was when I was much younger I asked about Alexa’s boyfriends before my dad. She told me she didn’t want to tell me about him because she thought I’d say something stupid. She told me about him after I kept pushing and she told me she got pregnant by him but she had a miscarriage. She didn’t say how it could’ve happened but she just did. Then I made a silly joke as a kid and said “imagine he’s my dad?!” as I’m always make jokes about me being adopted. She got really angry and yelled at me for saying “stupid sh*t”. Also, Alexa has always been so secretive and weird about my documents whenever I needed them for school etc, and always refuses to give me my birth certificate because I’ll “lose it” and I’m “irresponsible”. Alexa gave me all my documents, other than my birth certificate. Now that I think of it, I’ve asked for it god knows how many times, but I don’t think i’ve ever seen it before. but I will have to check to see if I possibly have it and may have skipped past it. EDIT: I will be getting a new birth certificate to find out whose names are on there. It doesn’t necessarily mean if my dad’s name is on there, that he is my bio dad. I did get my last name fully changed when me and my wife got married, considering my last name was of no significance and had no meaning. This won’t interfere with the results, right? NOTE!! Guys, you do not need a birth certificate to get married! Look it up, all they asked for was mine and my wife’s proof of identification. We only used our Id’s SMALL UPDATE: First off, it’s been 3 days since i last posted. I appreciate everyone for the helpful comments and opening my eyes to other possibilities to the situation, that i didn’t think of. I also apologize for any confusion or If I do something wrong, this is my first reddit post/story. Anyways, i took into consideration what most of you said and took it upon myself to order my own birth certificate. After I texted Alexa 2 days ago for my birth certificate, and after her hesitating to send it to me and having to explain why I wanted it, she said she will send it. It’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard from her. Alexa went on a trip out of her state today and usually texts me when she takes off from a flight or lands. I got nothing. She’s been silent. So i don’t think she will be sending it to me so i ordered one that should be coming February 17(Estimated time). For everyone telling me to have my brother take a test, I will try my best to have him take one for me as well. (The test I took was the Ancestry DNA test). I responded to someone telling me to talk to him about getting a test done for himself, and I know he will do it for me when I explain in depth as to why. He knows how Alexa is and how she’s been with us growing up, especially with me, so he would do it if it meant helping me with something like this. I’ve read most of the comments and tried to answer them the best I could, it’s been busy. My results should be in by February 7th (Estimated time), I will probably update when they come in, unless if something else comes up. Feel free to ask questions and I’ll answer. Thank you for the people who privately messaged me with support and for helping me as well. submitted by /u/cigweb_01 to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

I am NOT the original poster. Originally posted to askamanager.org trigger warnings: mild classism and sexism mood spoilers: happy --- should being on reality TV disqualify a job candidate? - posted on AskAManager on March 12, 2018 I’m currently on a hiring committee for a newly established role in my division. It’s designed for someone with a marketing background, but involves a lot of direct interaction with clients on projects. This person will manage a team within our marketing department, and it’s a relatively senior position. We’ve had our first set of interviews, and one candidate stood out particularly in terms of her experience, practical skills, and overall demeanor. Although I can’t say that she’s unequivocally qualified over the others, it seemed pretty clear that she should be brought back for a second round. After her first interview, she received very positive feedback and seemed like an obvious choice to return. Yesterday, however, one member of the committee mentioned that a quick Google search of her name brought up that she had been a cast member on a reality show about a decade ago. Admittedly, the show is not one remembered for its tastefulness (think along the lines of The Real World or Jersey Shore). This news seems to have soured most of the committee on her, and it doesn’t look like she’ll be brought back. They’re arguing that someone who will serve in a public and managerial role should not have this type of history, and that her atypical first name means that a client or coworker will likely remember her from the show. I’m unconvinced. I think that her qualifications are such that she should be considered, and that a qualified applicant should not be blacklisted indefinitely because they were on MTV once in their twenties. A few are also unhappy that she left this off of her resume and didn’t bring it up to us in the first interview, which I find a bit ridiculous. It isn’t related to her professional experience, and she shouldn’t be tasked with casually bringing it up each time she’s in the running for a job. That being said, I’m easily the most junior member of the hiring committee, so I don’t know if this is something I should spend capital on, but I feel like rejecting this candidate outright for a years-old action would be unfair to her. At the very least, she deserves to be brought back in and be asked about this part of her past. How can I advocate for her, or should I bother? Any help would be greatly appreciated! Read Alison's advice here! --- Comments: k.k: No one on the hiring committee knew who she was until someone googled her. That doesn’t sound like she is particularly recognizable. And with the number of reality tv shows and how long it’s been around, I don’t think it’s that shocking to run into someone who was on a show at some point. I think taking her out of the running is a big overreaction. Guy Incognito: It’s also important to remember (and let your hiring committee know) That the job of the people who edit these shows is to create a story, character arcs, etc. It’s easy to make someone look bad by editing out a few moments. (Think making people stand for two hours, filming them looking tired, but then splicing it as if they are reactions to someone talking that minute.) But I agree, unfair to the candidate. MechanicalPencil: I think this is a no-win situation for the candidate. If she had put this on her resume, the hiring committee likely would have wondered the reasoning behind it, “why does she think being on Show X is even relevant to this position?”. Because she hasn’t, she’s now in this position of “but why didn’t she tell us?!” Ashley: Being a young person on the hiring committee, I agree this may not worth spending a lot of capital. If you have watched the season and know they weren’t known for horrible comments I would probably push back slightly but if she isn’t the Best candidate I doubt I would waste to much capital. It is also worth noting it could help get in her a few doors for reality obsessed clients. Personally I would be a little curious, google them if I found out, get bored and move onto actual work matters. Will "scifantasy" Frank: So…I was on a reality TV show about a decade ago. It was roughly in the Real World mode, though I always think of it as “The Real World meets The Amazing Race meets My Fair Lady.” I even got portrayed as kind of an egotist, but I was given an opportunity to be contrite and “forgiven” in the “welcome back” finale. And I have that fact–that I was on the show, I mean, not the egotist part–on my resume. In the catchall of “additional information,” alongside having been the Hugo Awards administrator and my experience as a programmer (I’m not in that field anymore and I don’t list any jobs, but it’s surprisingly useful to mention that I can code). I have found it to be an absolutely fantastic job interview icebreaker. I can’t tell you how many interviews I had where, toward the end after the raw facts finished up, had the interviewer soften their stance a bit and say “so I have to ask you about reality TV…” I also developed a pretty good patter about it–my mother compared it once to my doing summer stock; I went away for a few weeks, did this thing, and came back to my real life thereafter. I was also a year out of college, working in coding, and the following year I started law school, so all the interviews I went on after that got it shunted into the mental “before becoming a lawyer” phase. Of course it’s hard to gauge these sorts of things, but certainly I was never told that my stint on TV was why I got rejected from a job, and I am at a job I love and that seems to love me, and definitely has public-facing elements, so…yeah, LW, I have to say that your committee members sound very…prudish, actually. I mean, maybe I can see the “why didn’t she mention it?” factor, maybe, but still. A decade is a century in reality TV terms; nobody is going to remember unless they go looking, and nobody is going to care if they do. I only keep mine on because it makes for great story, not because I think I’m obligated. --- update: should being on reality TV disqualify a job candidate? - posted on AskAManager on December 4, 2018 (nine months later) After reading your response and the comments (thank you everyone!) I decided this was something I should stick to my principles on, or risk feeling later like I didn’t make use of my position in the moment. I shamelessly memorized the script you provided and went to bat for the candidate in our next meeting. She ended up making our second-round list after a little more of my pestering, with the caveat that she would be asked in her next interview about her time on the show and any professional implications it had on her. In the first five minutes of her next interview, someone on the committee asked her about it in what had clearly been a very rehearsed and somewhat accusatory question. A lot of comments were wondering why the rest of the committee was so much more hung up on this little detail from her past, and in retrospect I’d blame a lot of it on age and cultural differences — all other members were 15/20 years older than myself, and seemed to think of reality TV as a very trashy genre without giving consideration to the differences between shows. We’re a pretty formal office, and I can’t imagine any of the people at that table with me had ever turned on MTV in their lives. A few comments pointed out that this issue seemed kind of gendered and that a male candidate likely wouldn’t have faced the same scrutiny. While I don’t know for sure how a man in the same position would have fared, all I can say is that in our meetings they very openly fretted about hiring a “party girl,” a term I don’t know a similarly negative male equivalent for. I’m the only female VP and felt some serious responsibility to discredit that phrase when the opportunity arose. It felt important to remind them that our corporate, business-formal office is not a bar, and that just because she’d been filmed at a few clubs 10 years ago didn’t mean she’d be Coyote Ugly-ing on the reception desk if we hired her. We all made some choices in our twenties. She had obviously been asked in interviews before and gave a very honest and impressive answer about how she had been approached to be on the show while in college and had thought it would be fun, considered it a very unique experience, and hadn’t done anything while filming that she couldn’t own up to now as a working professional. As this position was in marketing, she even said that the show had sparked her interest in the field after seeing how it was promoted on her season. She didn’t spend more time than necessary on it, had clearly done her homework on our company, thoughtfully answered every question, and ended up accepting an offer from us. Seven-ish months later, all I can say is thank you! She’s been one of the best hires we’ve made in a while, and I look forward to every meeting she runs. As an added bonus, she’s been very candid about the experience and now I’ve learned all I could ever ask about the behind-the-scenes of reality TV. As I said, she has a unique first name and has been recognized by clients a few times- all have been positive interactions and I can’t imagine we’ve lost any big deals because of her. But the best part of this hire has definitely been how it’s helped me move forward! Since she’s done so well, I’ve had several others (all senior to me) approach me privately and acknowledge that they heard that she wouldn’t have been brought back without my insistence and that they’re appreciative that I stood my ground. I was so worried that I’d use any and all accrued capital on this, but if anything it’s helped me gain more capital at work and respect from some very important higher-ups! Thank you again, Alison! Reminder - I am not the original poster. submitted by /u/Hour_Theory3986 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FireMeaning My (35/F) sister (25/F) has a bridesmaid (25/F) gone rogue. Original Post Oct 23, 2015 I will preface this by saying my parents gave my sister a choice: she gets a sum of money either to pay for her wedding, or to get set up with a house. My sister wisely chose to have the house, so her wedding is going to be a rather small affair she is paying for solo. I've been doing as much as I can to help with keeping her costs down (which, long story, was a lot). She asked me to be her maid of honor, and our brother, one of the groomsmen. My sister has a bridesmaid who is a friend from college, Janet. I never cared for her, finding her rather rude and selfish, but its my sister's wedding, and I'm quite good at dealing with people. I ended up friending her on facebook. The first issue between us came at a get together my sister hosted. Janet made a pointed comment to her boyfriend in front of me, saying she was surprised at my sister's bridesmaids, that if she was getting married, she would be sure that her bridemaids were "thin, young and pretty". It was obviously directed at me, as Janet and the other two bridesmaids are both very thin and younger. Frankly, it didn't bother me as a dig, I'm comfortable with my appearance and age, (and I'm a 22 BMI, so not unhealthy weight). It may have been due to the fact that I'm gay, and don't go for traditionally "pretty" looks. The next issue though, came with the bridal shower. I planned it with two cousins. Janet decided last minute to plan a vacation over this time--and convinced another of the bridesmaid that it was really "family only" and that she wasn't welcome, despite being invited. She also posted a link to a thing about the top stupidest games played at showers on facebook. If I wasn't sure this was intended maliciously towards me, I was after the bachelorette issue, which happened recently. Initially, I was told by another bridesmaid the party was going to be the 10th, and that it was going to take place at a certain restaurant/club. Now, this club is literally down the street from me, and I actually own a small portion of the business. I was excited, saying that I would make sure it was amazing. A few days later, Janet messages me and tells me that the party was ACTUALLY planned for the 17th, and that it would be taking place at another location, and involved mall shopping and a male strip club. Now, I had posted that I would be out of town on business the 17th, and neither shopping nor a strip club appealed to me, so I said that it would be a shame I was going to have to miss it. The afternoon of the 10th, my sister posts on facebook that she had just been "kidnapped" for her surprise bachelorette party. A bit later, one of the other bridesmaids sent me a message, asking me what I could do to make the party-taking place at my restaurant-special. I questioned her, and she was under the impression that I had said I wasn't interested in attending the party. Obviously, Janet had actively lied to me to keep me out of the party. At this point, I could talk to my sister, but I didn't want to drum up any drama when she already was stressed out over wedding things. So, I kept quiet. It is now three weeks out from the wedding. Today, my sister has sent me a whole series of messages Janet has sent her. Janet has questioned, made snarky comments, etc, over every aspect of my sister's wedding. From the choice of music (too cheesy) to the transportation (Janet wants a limo) to the order of things (she wants the first dance later in the reception). I've told my sister to ignore her, that it is her wedding, and when Janet gets married she can make her own decisions. But my sister is second guessing herself and freaking out that her low scale wedding isn't good enough. My sister has a history of anxiety disorders, so this is not a good thing for her. A week ago, she was really happy about her choices, now she's crying and breaking down. Right now, I don't know if I should tell my sister the way that Janet has been treating me. It might make her understand that this is Janet's problem, not hers, or it could cause more issues. I honestly want to give Janet a piece of my mind, but I think that could only make things worse for the wedding and for my sister. All I want is for my sister to have a good wedding. I don't know how to fix this issue so that happens. tl;dr: Sister's bridesmaid is being rude and controlling. How do I help? RELEVANT COMMENTS [deleted] At this rate, if someone doesn't call Janet on her crap, she's going to pull some kind of major drama bomb at the wedding itself. Yes, tell your sister that Janet's been using the exact same nonsense on you, and the only reason you haven't said anything is that you didn't want her exposed to it. Then tell her you'll do whatever she needs you to do to be supportive, from running interference on whatever nastiness Janet tries to pull to kicking Janet out of the bridal party personally, but this woman is not worth a moment of second-guessing her decisions over, let alone what she's doing to herself right now. OOP I SERIOUSLY doubt my sister would kick her out of the wedding party at this point. They have a ton of mutual friends, and I can't see it going over well, plus my sister is very soft and it would be totally outside her nature unless Janet did something very over the top. If it was me? She'd have been gone already. [deleted] How are the other bridesmaids reacting to Janet? Do they seem aware of what's going on? Maybe all of you combined can strongarm her into behaving. At the very least, you should probably make it clear that if anyone has questions about anything - particularly anything where it looks like someone might be getting left out of the loop on an activity or important conversation - they should come to you, so that Janet can't keep trying to divide and conquer. OOP As far as I know, they aren't really aware of what's going on. The bridal shower and bachelorette party were both sort of framed as mistakes, so I doubt they know or notice I was purposely snubbed. Frankly, I got the impression Janet wanted me to make a stink so that she could feed off the drama, so by quietly not saying anything, I took that power away from her. At the same time, I eliminated my sister's stress. At the time, it seemed like a good choice, but it means now I have to explain for others to understand. ~ mrsmeltingcrayons You sound like a great big sister! You did a great job of helping her out without being overbearing. Because Janet is still going to be at the wedding -- tell any vendors to watch out. For instance, make sure the caterer knows that the food is great regardless of what Janet says. Or make sure that the photographer knows not to let her hog the pictures, and that the DJ knows that she is NOT making a toast. Et cetera. You can do your best to make sure Janet doesn't ruin anything else. OOP My brother and I are close in age, and my sister is the baby. We are all three very close, but growing up we were very overprotective of her. I'm trying to not be the aggressive, make all decisions sister, but still keep her safe. It seems like a fine line there. I'm definitely adding checking with all the vendors. With the exception of the DJ and officiant, I think everything was booked through my connections, so I can do that without being out of line. Update 1 Oct 24, 2015 (Next Day) Everyone's suggestion pushed me over the breaking point. I met with my sister today for breakfast. She was a crying mess, second guessing everything about her wedding. I asked if this was because of Janet's comments. She said yes, and let me read all of Janet's texts and fb messages to her. Janet has been ripping my sister apart. I'm furious by this time, but my sister needs a big sister, not an avenging angel. I told my sister the stuff Janet has pulled on me. She was horrified, and kep apologizing. Then she got angry. The next two hours were a bitch fest about stuff Janet did through college. I seriously don't understand why my sister us friends with this girl. She has been universally miserable to everyone. Finally, I ask point blank if she wants to kick Janet out of the wedding party. My sister says no, that she feels she needs to keep her promise and that it's too late to kick her out now. My sister didn't get the same vengeful asshole gene that I did. So I ask her what she DOES want. After thinking, she says she wants Janet to just leave her alone until the wedding. Done. I can be a butch fairy godmother and make this wish come true. I take my sisters phone, send Janet a text saying that at this point all the wedding decisions are final, so there's no sense talking about them. Oh, and because my sister will be so busy between now and the wedding, all communication and messages should go through me. Then I blocked Janet's number. I sent the same message on Facebook, and blocked Janet on messenger, then unfollowed her feed. Finally, I sent a Facebook message and text through my account. Afterwards, my sister just brightened back up. We ended up having a fun afternoon at a Halloween attraction. I got one message from Janet, saying she doesn't believe that my sister blocked her. There was also a passive aggressive message on her Facebook, but at this point my sister would have to actively seek it out. Just before writing this, I called my mother and my brother (who is a groomsman). We are all livid, but respect my sisters decision to keep Janet in. However, we are going out of our way to make sure we pull family rank and make sure things are great for my sister. Generations of passive aggressive People have lead up to this. You don't fuck with my family. I'll take any suggestions on how to block Janet from making any other issues! tl;dr: Told my sister about her bridesmaids rude behavior. Got family involved. Going to be one hell of a wedding. Update 2 Nov 13, 2015 (3 weeks later) The wedding was Saturday, and I thought you would all like to hear how things worked out. Following everyone's suggestions from the first update, I contacted all the vendors, etc and told them not to take any input from anyone not me or my sister. Including the pastor, who my sister has admitted befriending and coming to for advice. He was surpisingly awesome and I ended up telling him the whole story, and got upset about things as well. A few days later, I get a call from the DJ, who says that someone else called to question some stuff about the reception, namely the timing, which I knew was a sticking point for Janet. Later talking to the venue, they said someone talked to them. In both instances, they gave the answer that all that should be directed to me. Meanwhile, I've been watching Janet's facebook, and found rather passive aggressive posts that seemed to be pointed towards my sister and I. I ignored them, my sister maintained no contact. A week before the wedding, I get a text from Janet, asking "What should I do with Christopher. We have two hours where I'll be busy with pictures he will be alone". Now, I didn't know she had a child, and didn't think my sister had arranged any child care, so this seemed totally a pertinent question. Without thinking, I replied that I was sure there were some cousins who would be happy to babysit, and that it would be wise to pack a bag of stuff if he was too young to entertain himself for 2 hours. Then I messaged my sister. Christopher is Janet's boyfriend. It was an honest mistake, but kind of hilarious. Janet didn't message me back. Before the rehearsal, I made sure Janet had the full schedule for the weekend. I sent it through text, email and facebook message. She responded maybe twice on the group message I sent. The day before the rehearsal, I sent her several texts reminding her to be at the church at 5. Of course, she wasn't there. Everyone starts talking about it, and I guessed at this point word had gotten around that Janet was being a pain, and the general consensus was disgust and relief. The pastor and I talked, and he pulled my sister aside and said they would make plans if Janet just wasn't there. It wasn't really a big adjustment. One groomsman would instead escort in the groom's grandmother. We do a run through, the pastor calls for us to do another quick run through of walking and seating. And the doors open and there is Janet. I think she thought she was making an entrance. Instead, everyone--grandparents and parents and bridal party are all shooting her the dirtiest of looks. The pastor, to his credit, put on his best, dripping with disdain, Professor Snape voice and said "You must be Janet. We thought you weren't coming" and waved for her to get in line. She seemed cowed, and stayed very quiet. Afterwards, she tried to rather loudly claim that she had no clue what time things were. This was quickly disproven thanks to the texts I had saved. She is, at this point, just hanging all over my sister, sort of sniveling. We were meeting at a restaurant nearby for the rehearsal dinner. It literally was within walking distance, and most of us just wandered over. Somehow, Janet drove and managed to be late to the dinner, claiming to be lost. She ended up sitting by the groom's family. For the start of the dinner, she sat arms crossed, like a petulant child. Then she started drinking--way too much. Thankfully, she was far enough away that my sister and her husband didn't really notice her antics. As we left, I think every single person there reminded her to be at the hotel to get ready by 10, especially my brother. She kept nodding and uh huhing. I sent a few texts and facebook messages for good measure. Of course the next day--no show. We had a hair dresser set up in the suite, and she did all our updos, then hung around for a while before packing up. This is about when Janet finally arrived. I think my sister by this point was so done with Janet's shit she didn't even get upset. Now, to get this next part, you have to understand I have long hair that I always wear in a tight French braid, then curled into a bun. Most people never see my hair down. For the wedding, my sister wanted these pinterest discovered, loose braided hair down styles. When she had said braids though, Janet had complained that we would all look like "dykes" like me. So, I answer the door with a rather nice hairstyle down over my shoulders, makeup done professionally, dress on. Janet literally has her hair wet, no makeup, and her dress in a bag. When she found out the hair stylist and makeup person was gone, she flipped. I recommended that I could just braid my hair like I wear mine everyday, and she just shot me dirty dirty looks. Instead, Janet ended up having a half hour to basically dry her hair and pull it in a ponytail. The next little thing was totally passive aggressive on my part. When my sister and I had our heart to heart, my sister admitted that Janet sold jewelry through some pyramid scheme. She had strong armed my sister into buying a jewelry set, which she didn't terribly care for. I told her that I would take care of it. I went through a connection and ended up renting a vintage set of jewelry, pieces far nicer than anything I could afford. On the day of the wedding, they brought it to the hotel, and it brought my sister to tears. When Janet showed up at the hotel, there stood my sister glittering in diamonds instead of the plastic pieces she coaxed her into. I knew too this entered a temptation for Janet's power play. So, I also contacted a guy who works at a friend's nightclub as security. The guy is quite professional, and looks like he could be a male model. I paid him to walk around, supposedly to be security for the necklace. Really though, he was there in case Janet pulled anything, and to keep my sister a bit more stress free. Also, he ended up making my sister feel like a rockstar, needing security. All that was left was for Janet to behave like a petulant child. Which she did, in spades, pouting and making photos difficult. I asked the photographer to place her end of the row, in case my sister decides to have her edited out. That's my sister's choice, but it's prepared if she so chooses. My security let me know Janet left right after dinner at the reception. None of us noticed. My sister lifted the blocks for Janet online on the flight for her honeymoon. She hasn't made any contact since, or made any acknowledgement of the wedding or honeymoon pictures. When my sister gets back, I'll talk to her about their friendship more. Thank you everyone for your excellent suggestions and thoughts. They helped me to make my decisions, and everything seems to have worked out. tl;dr: Bridesmaids attempts to mess with wedding are blocked. Family for the win. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/symphonysadness Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes AITH for telling my friend's wife she can't invite random people to my house? Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: entitlement, mild vandalism Mood Spoilers: flabbergasting Original Post: December 7, 2025 Hi THT fam! This is a wild one. I (29F) have a really strong core friend group. We have annual holiday traditions like friendsgiving, a Christmas party, etc. One of my guy friends recently got married over the summer to a woman NONE of us can stand, but we tolerate her for his sake. He is the nicest guy ever, and she's clearly using the shit out of him. For context, in the two years they've been together, she's moved her children into his home, has quit her job to start a ridiculous "side hustle" that brings in no income, and convinced a man who said he would never get married again, to do just that. Fast forward to now, I sent out invites to our annual holiday party. It's always hosted at my house. It's usually our core friend group with a few extras sometimes but not always. Usually the extras are people most of our friend group knows. I was going through the digital invite list and saw a name I didn't add, didn't recognize, and didn't know. I asked our group chat who this person was. Apparently, my friend's wife took it upon herself to invite her friend to my party. My address is on the invite, I pay for all the food, and we also do a secret Santa exchange which was already set up weeks prior. Here's the thing- had she asked me I wouldn't have probably cared and been okay with it. But she didn't. When I confronted her, she said she doesn't know any of us so who cares if she brings a stranger. She's known all of us for two years and is included in every activity/group chat/event we are all in. I politely told her I would have been appreciated being asked first and that things are already paid for and planned on, so I'm not okay with a stranger coming to my house. She's still pushing for her friend to be there. I also found out she apparently invited randoms to our Friendsgiving event which my boyfriend hosted at his place. They didn't show, but still this just seems wild to me. I am usually a laid back, easy going person. But this really made me angry and felt like my boundaries are crossed and she's still pushing the agenda. My friend who she is married to is the nicest guy ever and I truly value his friendship, so I don't want to hurt his feelings or piss him off. But I really don't want her friends we don't know at my house and ruining our night/vibe or being worried about things being taken from my home. My friends are like family, so I'm torn. Do I just let her bring her friend? Or put my foot down? Relevant Comments Commenter 1: “Plus Ones don’t get Plus Ones” Downvoted Commenter: While this is a good rule, it’s weird to treat someone’s wife as a plus one. Spouses are part of the group. It sounds like other people in the friend group have invited extra people and it wasn’t a problem because OP doesn’t hate them. I think it generally best not to invite my own guests to other people’s houses, but that’s not a rule in this group. I think it comes down to does OP accept that her friend loves this woman and is married to her. Does she want them in her life anymore. OP is hoping the wife will go away and that’s not likely. I think OP is spending way too much energy fussing about her friend and his wife’s life. The friend or his wife could easily write in for advice about how to deal with the hostile person in their friend group. OP needs to decide if she likes the friend more than they hate the wife and her kids. OOP: No one else in the friend group invited anyone else. The only people invited were the core group and their spouses. I want to make it clear I don't hate her kids, they're children and not the issue. I'm a mother myself. My issue is a 37F who should know better and also is a mother, invited a random stranger to my house without asking me. Commenter 2: How do you know she quit her job for a ridiculous side hustle that brings in no money? Did she tell you? Did he tell you? Are you guessing? OOP: We have a group chat. All of us + spouses are in it because we hang out together frequently. House gatherings, sports events, bar outings, bowling, etc. We even take an annual weekend away together all of us. So we're all pretty involved. She told us she quit. She started a food cart, not truck, buisness that she shares a ton of content with on social media. Out of her multiple events, she's never made a profit from what she tells us. She's now moved on to renting out used toys for birthday parties. Our friend has a high paying salary job as an executive. He told us she basically moved her and her two kids in without asking. It started off as sleepovers here and there, then they just never left and he converted his extra rooms into rooms for her kids. She pays no bills. Commenter 3: This feels like YTA. None of you like her and she knows. You want to punish her because you don’t like her, so you’re punishing her for bringing her friend. You would’ve figured out a way to be shitty to her regardless. OOP: We literally picked the event date so she could be there. We're all nice to her until she makes rude comments, then we check her. Which happens frequently. Commenter 4: Is she a lot younger than your friend group? Do you think it’s noticeable to her that she’s not very liked? Honestly it maybe seems like she wants someone there as safety net and someone to socialize with since it sounds like it’s possible she feels excluded, especially by the way you’re talking about her. Maybe behind the scenes her husband is requiring her to go but her compromise is bringing someone she’s comfortable with in the event her husband is socializing with your friends and she feels left out. I’m just trying to reframe it for you. OOP: I'm actually the youngest in the group. I'm 28. The rest are all in their late 30s/ early 40s. She's 37. Her husband prefers when she doesn't come along because he actually enjoys himself when she isn't there. My friends are also like family so that's why I'm also torn but caterers have been paid for and gift exchanges have been set. Additional Information from OOP after reading comments and clarifying details OOP: Thank you all for your comments!! I didn't expect this to blow up and can't respond to each one so I thought I'd add some context clues here: 1) I am a female. I don't know how some of you missed that. There is 4 females and 6 males in the group. Most are couples. 2) I am the youngest in the group, the rest are all in their late 30s/early 40s. I am 28. 3) We all hangout pretty regularly and always include everyone. Weekend trips, outings, sports events, etc. 4) this isn't your standard house party. It's a gathering I host every year. I have it catered, we play games, we do gift exchanges, I show a video of our best moments of the year, etc. 5) None of us can stand her because she's rude and we all see through her trying to manipulate our friend. Our friend doesn't stand up for himself as some of you have mentioned. This is his third marriage. 6 months into the relationship, she brought her girls for a "weekend sleepover" and they basically never went home. She's made plenty of rude remarks to each of us and thinks she's funny. At Friendsgiving she started eating food before we sat down for dinner, and mocked my boyfriend's home decor. She even hid some of his paintings in his garage when we weren't paying attention. 6) we are all nice to her for the most part and include her because our friend did marry her, and we have common courtesy and class, unlike her. In fact I purposely picked a date she could attend when her ex has their kids. 7) My problem isn't my dislike for her. My problem is she invited a random person to my home and didn't ask. I am a single mom. This is also my child's home. I am careful about who I let into my home. If she had asked I probably wouldn't have cared and could have planned for an extra guest. She didn't and now this person has my address & contact details. 8) She knows all of the group who is coming. Her comment about us being strangers made 0 sense. She's been on trips with us even and birthday parties for the kids. Most of us were in their wedding party. Hope this clears up some gaps! I appreciate all of your input. This friend means the world to me so that's why I'm treading lightly but also would never invite a random person to someone else's gathering without asking.   Update (in comments): December 10, 2025 (three days later) Update: I ended up cancelling the entire party. Taking most of your advice into consideration, I reached out to my friend's wife and let her know I would not be able to accommodate extra guests as planning / catereres had already been booked, and the event was a focus on our core friend group and celebrating the holidays together since we are like a second family. I deleted the digital event and invite list and created another so her friends that she invited would not see it. The next morning I received more RSVP confirmations than guests I had planned/accounted for AGAIN. She invited her friends again, and this time invited more people! So I snapped. I sent a message in our group chat telling everyone that since my house rules can't be respected, I will no longer be hosting this year's event. Most of my friends understood where I was coming from. Her husband, apologized to me immediately saying he had no idea she had done this again. I told him I'm not upset with him, but I need to put my foot down here to have my boundaries protected. I also informed him of my safety concerns of bringing strangers to my home. He totally understood. I told him that my boyfriend also didn't appreciate her behavior on Friendsgiving and that things are still missing from her trying to be funny and moving things around. He offered to pay for them, which I told him not necessary. I told him I love him, but basically he needs to get a handle on his wife and explain if she wants to be included going forward there needs to be respect. So, there will be no Christmas party this year. I told the chat if someone else wants to step up and host, that's on them. But maybe we can try again in the new year when we're all more aligned on boundaries. Thankfully I was able to get refunded for catering/most things I purchased. My boyfriend and I are just going to take the money to go to a really nice dinner, buy a really nice bottle, and go home get drunk and watch the Grinch that night. Thank you THT fam for reaffirming my concerns here, and happy holidays!   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/fettidmoppet in r/AmIOverreacting trigger warnings: sexual assault, victim blaming, physical assault Editor’s note: Lightly edited for readability. Some comments have been shortened. For people who are blind or have low vision, I’ve transcribed the text messages that OOP included - links below. Original - 22 Jun 2025 Texts between OOP and her boyfriend Click here for transcription Okay so this happened last week and I’m realizing how much it’s still bothering me. Looking for an unbiased sanity check because I think it’s honestly changed the way I view my bf a little and I’m sorta spiraling. I’m 24F, he’s 30M. I work in an office in the middle of a city and it’s common that a ton of people will hit up bars after work. I was working late last week and hadn’t had time to eat all day. It was dark and I was eating in my car before heading home when I saw two men walk a clearly drunk woman into the parking garage. Each guy was holding onto one of her arms to keep her upright. She looked like she could barely walk. I was immediately on edge because 1) the guys looked completely sober and 2) she looked like she was trying to pull away from them. The whole time I kept hearing them saying things like: “You’re fine. You know us. We’re taking you home don’t worry. We’re helping you.” Her words were really slurred but she kept repeating variations of “No, I want to go back” and “Where are we going?” At one point her phone started ringing but one of them grabbed it and put it in his pocket. The other one took out his keys and beeped a car a couple down from me and honestly in that moment I just panicked. I got out kinda suddenly which I think startled them because they both stopped walking immediately and just stared at me. I looked right at her and said in an angry tone, “(Random name) I’ve been looking for you all night. Where the hell are you going?” I feel like I was operating on pure adrenaline at that point. Before she had a chance to answer, I turned to them and said, “And who are you guys?” I tried to sound annoyed and not accusatory. One of them immediately dropped her arm and put his palms up. He said, “Oh are you her friend? We were just trying to help her find you. She’s wasted but she said you guys parked here” or some bs like that. I just walked up to them and said, “Thanks I got her” and took her arm. She kept repeating, “No, I want to go back” and things like that, but I just kept pretending to be angry with her for disappearing and said I’d been calling her too. They stood there for a second but then started walking away. Before they could leave, I asked them to give me her phone back (looking back I know this was stupid). The one who took it was like, “We don’t have it.” At that point I was just so furious realizing what they had just tried to do. In my mind, I was like hell no am I letting them steal her phone too. So I was like, “I literally saw you put it in your pocket.” They both stared at me and then the guy who took it said, “Oh yeah, I forgot.” He pulled it out and tossed it at me. It dropped on the floor and they kinda laughed and left. I was so shook up after. I put her in my car and called the police. I had to wait like 45 min for them to show up. By that point she was already fading fast. She seemed more than just regular drunk to me. Thankfully while we were waiting for the police, her sister (who had been looking for her) called again and I was able to direct her to where we were. Needless to say, those men didn’t know her. I left after the cops arrived and I gave a statement. On the way home I called my bf and we talked for like 10 minutes before he had to hop off. He was out of the country on a work trip at the time. He was so aggravated when I explained what happened. I could tell he was angry with me for stepping in which absolutely shocked me. During his meeting he texted me the above. I can understand his worry and I know this all stems from him wanting me to be safe, but literally everything about this has rubbed me the wrong way. I can’t believe that in a similar situation, he would have just let them take her away like that. I can’t believe he blamed her for any part of it either. He kept saying what I did was stupid and dangerous and wanted me to promise I wouldn’t do something like that again. Where I may be overreacting: Last year one of my best friends was assaulted after a house party under similar circumstances (she was drugged). Even before that happened, I would have stepped in for that girl. But that situation definitely amplified my response. I feel like at some point during our texts, my bf was blaming the girl for being drunk. It immediately made me angry because in a way it felt like he was also blaming my friend for her assault. So maybe it’s hard for me to be unbiased and I’m just too sensitive to this issue as well. We’ve talked about it again since he’s been back and he still believes I should’ve stayed out of it, though he’s apologized for what he said. It’s been bothering me more and more as the days go by. To the point where I’ve contemplated ending things. AIO? I feel like I can’t think straight. Relevant comments OOP, on speaking to the victim’s sister I did give her sister my number and got a thank you text the next day, but we aren’t in consistent contact! Jade4813 He kept acting like he had to explain to OP how dangerous the world can be for her when I guarantee you most women are deeply, even painfully cognizant of from before they even hit puberty. On a level that many if not most men will never fully understand, let alone feel. To paraphrase a comment I read once, “A girl’s childhood ends the first time a man finds her sexually attractive.” I have no doubt OP is well aware of how that situation would have gone because she’s lived with that awareness most of her life. I’m also reminded of the quote about how teaching girls how to “prevent” rape is really saying “make sure he rapes the other girl.” I get OP’s BF’s concern for her safety. I do. His insistence that her actions stemmed from some sort of naïveté is incredibly frustrating, however. Ultimately, he made this terrible situation about HIM and HIS feelings. And he’s really the one person who it isn’t about at all. He also pushed OP until she agreed to call him. After she expressed her need to wait until the next day. And his whole attitude was essentially, “you should have made sure they would have raped the other girl and stayed out of it, you small naive child.” hannalysis OP, I’m sharing this both as someone who has been in your position and as someone who is currently a relationship therapist. I grew up surrounded by people who loved me, who cared about me, but who failed to protect me in the moments that it mattered most. I grew accustomed to the idea that love doesn’t necessarily mean safety. It was one of the most destructive and dangerous beliefs I held, and it led to/fed into multiple subsequent experiences of deep interpersonal trauma. Knowing what I know now and healing in the ways I have over the past decade or more, I desperately hope that you have someone in your life to tell you: Your initial shock, indignation, and disappointment at your boyfriend’s responses are indescribably valid. In this crucial moment, he demonstrated that he is not safe on multiple levels. First, he makes it known that he could not be trusted to humanize you unless you had some value to him personally. He proclaims — doesn’t admit, because he seems to feel no shame and sees no issue with his point of view — that he feels no sense of social contract or personal desire to actively protect the vulnerable if there’s any even potential risk to himself. As someone who has been that vulnerable person before, a part of me would crumble to learn that I would be viewed as “not worth it” by my partner if the circumstances were different, especially since he’s in a much greater position of privilege than I would be. Second, he refuses (or is unable) to regulate his own vicarious emotions about your experience to be able to show up for you. That in and of itself could be worked through, but he actively, continually overrode your needs and emotions with the expectation that you would soothe his feelings first and comply with his demands. This indicates the strong possibility that if/when something terrible happens to you while you’re together, he will need to be comforted about it first before he begins considering what you need. Third, he victim blames. His first impulse when hearing that a woman was being abducted by predators was to find an excuse for why you’re better than her. It was a mental contortion to justify humanizing you (for now) while allowing himself to dehumanize the woman you so courageously saved. Instead of finding common humanity with the victim while also acknowledging his care and concern for you, he jumps right to why you would never “put yourself” in that position. As if women always choose to be prey. Fourth, he repeatedly ignores and crosses the crystal-clear boundaries you attempt to very reasonably set. You were so calmly and respectfully communicative throughout this entire conversation despite your own distress, and he responds with minimization, denial, invalidation, guilt-tripping, and manipulative tactics. He specifically attacks your boundaries and uses guilt and accusations to put you on the defensive so you neglect your own needs in order to meet his. That is not a safe partner. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person; but I am saying that he is not revealing a level of maturity, degree of compassion, or integrity of values that matches what you’re putting forth in this situation and conversation. Those are not things that are easily, quickly, or often willingly changed. You know what someone who shared your values and genuinely had your best interest in mind would say? Something along the lines of, “Wow, babe. That sounds absolutely terrifying, and I can’t help but feel worried for your wellbeing in situations like this. At the same time, I am so proud of you for doing what you knew was the right thing in the moment, and I hope you can let yourself appreciate that you all but certainly saved that young woman a lifetime of trauma at best. I love your heart and your drive to be a force for good, even if I end up wanting to have conversations later about better ways for you to step in for others while doing as much as possible to ensure your safety in the process. But what matters the most right now is that you’re safe and that you know you did the right thing. Thank you for calling me and know that I’m here while you process this.” All this to say, please listen to the part of yourself that’s wired to pick up on safety and danger. We can talk ourselves into so much by second-guessing our own intuitive responses, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families. If your alarm is going off, it’s very likely for a reason. Wishing you all the best, and hoping more people in the world move like you do. OOP Your example of how our conversation could have gone literally made me tear up. Thank you. I didn’t expect him to be perfect in his response, and I know his worry for me drove a lot of what he said and did in the heat of it all that night. But in the moment it just felt like I was being punished for doing my absolute best to keep someone else safe. I didn’t ask or want to be in that situation, and neither did she. But once I was there, I simply could not sit still and let it happen. I had to act. When I called him, I wasn’t looking for praise. I just wanted a bit of comfort from someone I love and who loves me. I do understand he could have just said that as a knee jerk reaction since both of our emotions were running high that night, and I’m hoping that’s the case. But it still genuinely shocked me. I really hope our talk tomorrow goes well and that we can both hear each other. hannalysis I want to lead my follow-up by acknowledging how courageous, clever, and compassionate you were in a crisis moment. You did something a lot of people like to imagine they would do in a situation like that, but many would lose their nerve or freeze. In that moment, you showed the best side of humanity. I hope the pride can coexist with everything else you’re feeling. And I completely understand the tangled mess of feelings you’re sorting through right now. I’ve had experiences where I found myself struggling to reconcile my image of the person I know and love with the person they revealed themselves to be in a critical moment. It’s disorienting and it rattles your foundation when those two versions of the same person are impossible to reconcile. I do hope you don’t let him off the hook for how he spoke to you. Partners make requests, not demands. Partners don’t curse one another out when someone is distraught and was just in an unsafe situation. He was not only unsupportive; he was disrespectful, invalidating, and belittling. He was the one throwing a tantrum, but he framed himself as the “logical one” who was just telling you harsh, objective “truths” about your situation. He framed your brilliant decision-making as an irrational, emotional impulse. He prioritizes his frustration over your emotional safety. He calls you stupid. He tramples the most basic and reasonable boundaries without remorse. He only demonstrates care about getting his wants met without any regard for your needs. Consider if those are the attributes you want in someone you may build a life with. I’m so glad that you exist, OP. The world is brighter, kinder, and safer for it. Mini-update - 24 Jun 2025 (2 days later) Unfortunately convo did not go as I’d hoped and idk if another one will even be productive. I think bottom line he doesn’t trust or believe that I truly understand the risk. He thinks that he better understands this type of danger because he’s a man and “knows the lengths they could go to.” He apologized for his tone even though he feels I should be more understanding because of how freaked out he was at the time. He also apologized for the way he blamed her, but then he still made a comment about personal responsibility later so idk. I can tell he thinks this situation and what happened to my friend are radically different and that I’m biased because I think this girl was drugged too. For me whether she was drugged or not isn’t the point. He kept telling me that I was punishing him for being worried and that I needed to accept that he will always prioritize my safety over a strangers, which honestly is not unlike some comments I’ve seen here. A lot more was said but I think I’m still just processing everything and kinda slowly accepting the implications of what this may mean for my relationship. I think I’m just going to take some time to let everything settle and figure out what I want and need to do. Relevant comments hannalysis: I’m so sad to hear that the conversation didn’t go well :( It’s so hard when defensiveness cuts off the avenues to a productive interaction. But it sounds like it’s more than just defensiveness from him; he seems to genuinely believe that he is smarter and wiser than you without having the self-awareness or humility to reflect and consider that you have spent a lifetime needing to know exactly how dangerous some men are, and that that knowledge is exactly what compelled you to intervene in the first place. Also, how could you have been more understanding while still expecting some level of accountability? You have given him so much grace in even being open to follow-up talks, but it seems like what he’s really expecting is to be let off the hook entirely just because he says he was upset. That’s a very toxic and dangerous precedent to set. What else might he say or do “out of emotion” that he will then expect you to just let slide? And how can he demand so much understanding from you while coming at you so hard for acting from a place that he believes to be purely emotional? This is someone who has insidious double standards and/or has very toxic ideas about each individual’s responsibility for regulating their own emotions and behaviors in a relationship. Of course grace is appropriate at times in partnerships; but that grace needs to be preceded by accepting responsibility, expressing genuine remorse, giving a specific plan for change to prevent the hurt from reoccurring, and finding ways to make some form of restitution for the harm caused. And an apology can never be sincere when it is accompanied by the demand or expectation of forgiveness. That’s just entitlement. I’ve mentioned in a couple of other comments that I specialize in abuse and domestic violence. I’m going to be completely candid with you here while also reiterating that I have no desire to tell you how you should conduct your own life and hold no expectation that you will assign my personal thoughts any particular level of meaning or importance in your decision-making: By far, the biggest red flag for future abuse of women by men is in the attitudes he holds. Abusers benefit tremendously from the myths and misconceptions that they do what they do because of emotion dysregulation, substance abuse, mental health issues, or their own past trauma. But those are all smokescreens that prey on compassion and encourage others to excuse and downplay the behaviors and effects of abuse. The most consistent shared factor for male abusers of women is whether or not they hold the three following attitudes/value systems: Superiority, misogyny, and entitlement. Your boyfriend exhibited all three in the screenshots you shared and in your conversation that followed. He exhibited superiority in how relentlessly he talked down to you, in his framing of his own perspective as logical and yours as purely emotional, and in outright calling you stupid. He demonstrated misogyny with his out-of-the-blue snipe at you for going to the gym (???) and especially in his victim-blaming of the woman you heroically rescued, in addition to his expectation that you would obey his commands without question. And he exhibited entitlement in his willingness to issue said demands and subsequent indignance at your refusal to immediately comply, his disregard for your needs for rest by demanding that you FaceTime after you said you were already past your emotional limit, his disingenuous framing of your push for accountability as “punishing him for being worried,” and his overall expectation that his emotions would dictate your conduct without question. When I said that this is not a safe partner for you, please know I don’t say that lightly. At the same time, I have been in multiple outright abusive relationships, and even when I knew that certain things weren’t okay, I also couldn’t help but make excuses and find justifications for my partner’s behavior because I knew their context and there were so many other seemingly wonderful facets to them that I couldn’t bear the thought of rejecting or throwing away. I understand the internal turmoil and the fervent desire to be able to chalk something up as just a misunderstanding, catching someone in a bad moment, or contextualizing their behavior so that it comes across as well-intentioned but flawed. And I want to be clear that I’m not accusing your boyfriend of being outright abusive; I am, however, saying that all of the “ingredients” are there, and that his lack of remorse and accountability are extremely troubling. If you were my client, I would be handing you resources and starting safety planning right now in anticipation of future escalation. If any of this resonates with you, I strongly recommend reading/listening to the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I wish that this book were issued as curriculum for girls and women because it so clearly lays out toxic patterns and warning signs for an unsafe relationship. It’s what sparked my passion and specialty in abusive relationships. OOP I think it’s just so hard for me to hold both sides of him in my head right now. The person I’ve consistently known him to be is just so so so different from how he acted last week. I think that’s what keeps pulling me back into feeling like this whole thing is just a really terrible overreaction from a high stress situation. His apology for some of his texts felt so sincere when we talked in person. But then when he qualified it later by saying there was a level of personal responsibility missing from the convo surrounding her, he couldn’t understand why that made me instantly upset again. What you said about struggling with making justifications/excuses for your partner is just really sticking with me I guess. Because even now when I’m this upset about it all, I still feel like I’m being really unfair to him or am somehow mischaracterizing him or something? He kept saying how scary it was to get a call like that out of the blue and know that he was thousands of miles away and unable to help. When I reminded him that calling the cops was the extent he was willing to go to in the same circumstance, he told me that what he meant was that while he wouldn’t physically confront them, he would have taken pictures of the men/license plate number/etc and let the cops take over from there. When I asked him if he could understand why it would be upsetting to hear “Idfc not you” in response to me asking who else could have helped her in that particular situation if not me, he said that he only meant I should never physically intervene. He kept saying that the only version of helping I seemed willing to accept involves putting myself in unnecessary physical danger. When my friend was assaulted last year, he was a big support. When I said I wanted to do something practical for her, he helped me find a self defense course that her and I could take together and he’s the reason why I started going to the gym too. That’s why his remarks were even more jarring I think. Because on some level he clearly understands. But then it’s like his views about victims seem to have such a hard line. My friend was a victim to him, but somehow this girl in the parking lot was less of one? He never directly said that, but he didn’t really have to. MadAboutAnimalsMags Boyfriend: I don’t think you understand how dangerous this situation was! You: I’m worried this girl could’ve been raped or killed. Boyfriend: You clearly don’t get what the consequences could have been!!!! You: I stepped in to stop her from being raped or killed. Boyfriend: well, you should’ve just called the cops. You: But it would’ve been too late because time was of the essence because she was in extreme danger of being raped or killed. Boyfriend: WHY DONT U UNDERSTAND THE DANGER AND URGENCY OF THE SITUATION Like. Bro. Women have to be hyper aware of the danger we’re in from men. All. The. Fucking. Time. You’ve probably been in situations where the hair has stood up on your neck and you’ve switched seats or altered your path home where he never would have noticed anything was off at all. Just because HE doesn’t usually have to think through consequences doesn’t mean you don’t. He’s trying to have it both ways, both acting like the situation this other woman was in was low-stakes enough that a simple call to the police and “making sure they follow up” (????? wtf does that even mean) is sufficient while constantly telling you that you didn’t understand the level of danger the situation held, even AFTER you told him (multiple times!) that you understood the level of danger and took a calculated risk. You did the exact right thing. They thought they could get away with it because there were no witnesses and she was vulnerable and alone. You didn’t escalate, you deescalated by making an incredible smart choice in a high pressure situation to just be there as her friend. And I started to put “friend” in quotes, but no. You WERE a friend to her in that moment. You may not have known her, but you did what every single one of her family, her friends, her loved ones would pray someone would have done if things had gone badly, which they absolutely would have if it weren’t for you. I would understand your boyfriend’s reaction if you called and were like “hey I just finished watching Batman so I stole a police scanner and will now be driving around the city seeking out criminals to fight crime.” This was a one-in-a-million situation where you happened to be in the right place at the right time. You didn’t seek this out. You didn’t indicate a desire to be put in that scenario again. You just didn’t turn a blind eye when you found yourself in that situation. And it doesn’t sound like you reported the events back to your boyfriend in a nonchalant way that indicated you weren’t concerned for your own safety. It sounds like you were understandably terrified. And here’s what REALLY gets me. His reaction to your reaction to his reaction. The “I’m sorry I can’t support you the way you need.” No, he could, he was just choosing not to. And he was upset that you were upset - not because he was concerned about how you were feeling, but because he didn’t think it was fair for you to be mad at him. That was made abundantly clear by you asking for space to process and him making “missing you” and “wanting to see your face” more important than you decompressing from a traumatic situation that he made worse by berating you. This conversation shows me he cares about your physical safety, but nothing in it shows any care for your emotional state or mental health. That condescending comment about the gym? Bringing up your friend’s assault? Shitty all-around. The least he could’ve done was given you space but nope he hounded you and guilted you until you gave in on that, too. No compromise or compassion whatsoever. OOP When I brought up how he framed my response as emotional vs. his logical, he said he meant emotional as in it was super spur of the moment and I just went with my impulse to help instead of thinking things through. I told him over the phone that night that I “panicked” and I think in his head that means that logic must have flown out the window completely. Really all I meant was that once they beeped their car, I knew I had about 30 seconds to act before she was gone. In reality though, as soon as I saw them and something felt off, I was already thinking about what I needed to do. I didn’t just launch myself out of the car and start spraying them with mace or something. I chose the angle I did because I thought it gave us both the best chance of getting out of that situation without them escalating it. I think he just can’t comprehend that I went into that situation fully and completely understanding the risk like you said. So many people brought up the end of our text convo too and honestly I wasn’t even thinking about that part at all when I posted this. We’ve only had serious fights like this a handful of times and whereas I need time to cool off and process first, the lack of immediate resolution definitely makes him anxious. He’s told me before that unresolved tension between us means he can’t focus on anything else that day. Which is why I eventually agreed to FT with him. I don’t think he is trying to be manipulative, but the end result is the same I guess. Update - 20 Aug 2025 (2 months later) Texts between OOP and her boyfriend Click here for transcription Sorry it took so long for me to update. I was really overwhelmed following my last post and needed to take a big step back to process. A lot of you were so incredibly empathetic and kind and your words really helped me when I was most doubting myself. It felt like my brain was absolute mush at the time, but thankfully I’m feeling more clear-headed now. I’m really grateful and I tried to read as many comments/DMs as I could, but there were a lot. So here’s the update: we broke up. Since posting, I had multiple conversations with him that really just re-emphasized his views on what happened that night. His initial comments were already so jarring in the moment, but the fact that he still holds those beliefs weeks later is just not something I can get over. At first I just wanted to take a break to sort my feelings out, but unfortunately things escalated with him coming to my place multiple times and refusing to leave despite me asking for space. So it’s over. I mentioned this in a comment on my last post, but when my friend was first assaulted, I leaned a lot on him because I wasn’t sure how to help her work through what happened. I wanted to do something more practical to maybe give her back some of the sense of safety she lost, and he helped me find a self defense course for me and her to take together. That’s what jump started me going to the gym as well. He was so supportive back then, and I think that’s why a lot of his comments blindsided me. It’s clear now that to some degree he has a very strict view on who qualifies as a victim and who doesn’t. Even now he thinks that the only reason I confronted those two men was because I thought I could take them on physically. I don’t really view what I did as purely confrontational because of how I approached them, but he firmly feels like I wouldn’t have gone up to them unless I thought I could have fought them off. That isn’t true. I knew what could have happened and I chose to go in anyway. Looking back, his random comment about the gym obviously stemmed from that as well. He’s told me twice now that he regrets ever suggesting that I do a self defense class. I still feel shaken up about what happened, but it was really eye-opening seeing so many people take issue with how he spoke to me. That wasn’t even my main concern at the time, but it definitely helped me re-evaluate a lot that was going on in our relationship. I do miss him a lot and some days I still catch myself wondering if I overreacted by breaking up with him, but I honestly just can’t accept the things he said. I don’t think he’s a monster or anything, but we are clearly very incompatible on certain fundamental beliefs. I finally felt comfortable talking about this with friends IRL and thankfully I’ve gotten a lot of support there as well. Not the ending I hoped for, but I think it’s for the best. Thank you all again so much. Relevant comments OOP, on how her ex handled the breakup Sadly not well at all. When I finally knew that I had to break up with him, I had to essentially do it multiple times because he refused to accept it. He kept saying I wasn’t thinking straight because of what happened with my friend, and that I was punishing him for something someone else did. He came to my apartment and workplace several times even though I asked him to please stop. It was really overwhelming and I kept doubting my decision because of it. I felt like I had no space to think or even breathe. It’s honestly too much to get into but he really crossed the line one night trying to prove a point, and that really helped affirm that I was doing the right thing. I’m still so shocked everything ended up this way, but I think feeling better will just come with time butterthebutt Oh gosh, I really hope that he didn’t try to prove his theory that you couldn’t fight off a man. He is not the ally to women he thinks he is, but you are braver than he ever could appreciate. OOP He did unfortunately. But he stopped almost immediately and apologized sincerely after. It was a long night of us going back and forth and I think he kinda just lost it in the moment. Not excusing the behavior ofc. I know I did the right thing it’s just still hard at times Meydez Honestly I think the reason he was so convinced that you didn't know the risks is because he's a coward and can't fathom that you could be braver than him. He would never go against two men because he's scared of getting hurt and isn't smart enough to figure out how to do it without escalating. You went against two men while deescalating and won. Your bravery and intelligence emasculates him if it's acknowledged, so instead you're reckless and emotional. This way he can be the man that is logical and capable. GrouchyYoung Either he realizes it and he’s doing it on purpose, or he just doesn’t believe women in general to be capable of logical thought. Also it’s fucking rich of him to call you the more emotional one when he’s having a fucking month-long tantrum over you doing something genuinely heroic OOP, on play fighting This play fighting conversation came up again when we talked in person later. I never once claimed to be able to fight those men off had they turned on me, but he was so insistent on proving that he was bigger and stronger than me. And that if he went full force I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Idk it just always felt like we were talking past one another on this issue. The difference is that I feel like I could at least acknowledge that in a fight with an average guy, I would probably lose 99% of the time. He couldn’t accept that I could know that fact, and still actively and consciously choose to step in and help that girl. kaykinzzz probably because he'd be too cowardly to take on two guys on his own, so he can't accept that you're braver/more generous... AllegedLead Trying to prove that “if he went full force I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it” is a threat and a promise of future violence. A man who would never hurt you or use violence to control you has no reason to show you that he could if he wanted to. [downvoted] The guy was worried about you and got defensive because he does understand your position and he does realize some of his reasoning is icky. The very real reality is they could have raped and killed you. You felt it was necessary to save this woman regardless of the danger. He wanted you to protect yourself first and foremost. This is, frankly, a dumb thing for you two to keep fighting about. It's done, it's over, let it go. I hope you stop listening to people trash him, just as I hope he's able to recognize his flawed thinking regarding her personal responsibility. I understand why you came here the first time, however, I dont think this was the correct place to come. Reddit is notoriously awful with how terrible it, as a hive, is at nuance or empathy toward positions they may disagree with. The two of you should have gone to a relationship counselor. That said, this was a validation post for you and should be removed from the sub, because you're not asking about whether you're overreacting, you're celebrating your decision with your fans. OOP Tbh this continued narrative that I don’t know the “real reality” of what could have happened to me that night is so incredibly exhausting. I knew the danger and acknowledged that fact multiple times, both to him and online here as well. I chose to step in anyway. He is allowed to be worried, he is allowed to express concern, and he is allowed to not want me to do something like that again in the future. He is not allowed to demand that I don’t, belittle me when I explain why I did, or condescendingly act like it was first and foremost stupidity that fueled my action instead of justified worry for someone in the middle of being victimized. I chose my approach the way I did when confronting them because I was keeping that inherent risk in mind. Does that mean I wasn’t lucky with the outcome? No. But I wish people would stop acting like out of the 1000s of scenarios running through my head in that moment, me being attacked, raped or even killed wasn’t one of them. I was terrified. I tried to dead this conversation multiple times, and he insisted on continuing because he didn’t like me asking for space. If I’d have blocked him or ignored him instead of continuing the back and forth, I’m sure I would be told that I didn’t even attempt to hear him out before ending things. Anyways, I wanted to work things out with him! I love him and ending things was not easy for me either My first post was made because seeking advice from my friends irl meant opening him up to a level of criticism I didn’t think was fair if his response was primarily fueled by fear for me in that moment. Most of my friends have experienced some level of sexual assault/harassment. Coupled with the recent assault on our other friend, I knew they would tell me to drop him the moment it sounded like he was victim blaming. I needed an unbiased opinion on what was happening, and coming here helped with that. I was really overwhelmed by the response from the first post and wasn’t planning on posting again, but this was for the literal dozens of dms I’ve received over the past 2 months asking for an update. I’m not perfect and I’ve taken a lot of the valid criticism I’ve seen about how I handled things to heart as well. Like I said, I don’t view him as a monster. It’s fine for him to not want a partner who would jump in the way I did, just as I want a partner who would. We are simply not compatible and I’m sure with time he will accept that as well. TinyBearsWithCake Years from now, I think you’re going to realize you escaped from an abuser. He knew what he was doing. His theme in all of this has been dictating and controlling you, badgering relentlessly for you to submit to his decisions. In the texts you shared, in your description of how he could never give you space after disagreements, in how he handled the breakup, in finally trying to physically force you into submission. It’s a pattern, and with distance and disillusionment, I suspect you’ll see more of his behaviours through that lens. You’re a badass who sees danger clearly, assesses the risks, and acts decisively to protect others (like taking the class with your friend or reaching the stranger). I hope you get the emotional space to realize you gave him way too much leeway and benefit of the doubt, and are more confident cutting shit off in the future. A breakup doesn’t require consensus, and you don’t need to sacrifice your peace to coddle tantrums. I’m glad you made it out. I’m sorry it hurts. I hope the painful lessons from this help you in picking your next partner, and I hope your next partner has the courage and moral clarity to match you. Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. submitted by /u/ToiIetGhost to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Pool_7823 Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest Previous BoRUs: #1, #2 [New Update]: My 15yo idiot kid got his GF pregnant on purpose. NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Editor's note: removed relevant comments from older posts for more space in this latest BoRU Thanks to u/Lynavi and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update! Trigger Warnings: paternity fraud, teenage pregnancy, manipulation, possible mental health struggles Mood Spoilers: incredibly frustrating, outrageous RECAP Original Post: April 26, 2025 Throwaway for obvious reasons. I 30F have a child who is 15M - we'll call him Ollie plus other children aged 2, 6, 9 and 11. As you can tell by my own age I was teen parent, I was lucky and we married at 18, still married, healthy relationship, worked our away out of a very dire situation (graduated, started a trade etc) and we are comfortable, stable in all ways - this information is relevant. Ollie has been friends with this girl - we'll call her Bree since he was 7 years old. Their family use to live in the same city as us and went to the same school, same friendship group. We know her parents and are long distance friends ourselves (not close friends but say hello when the kids are on video chat, had drinks together before) Bree's family moved to a very small town 3 states away due to rental affordability (no secret) we all have talked about the rising costs of everyday life, the cost of living in this city has risen forcing many locals out. They moved because of that and for better job opportunities 18 months ago. Since then, Ollie has been begging for us to follow. Giving us a sales pitch on cheaper housing, better paying jobs (none of which fit either of our professions), the whole works. We have said no because well - No but even if we wanted too our other children are in school, sports and have friends here. Selling and buying another house, finding work outside of our skill set or having to learn new skills - any normal adult would understand this, he does not. Well fast forward to Christmas Bree's family come back to our city for a holiday and the kids met up multiple times with each other, it was my understand that they were always with the other kids but obviously not since Bree is pregnant and I am certain it was on purpose. He has access to condoms (I don't care for opinions on that, My access was restricted and I had him), He has had sex ed from me, my husband, school. He knows damn well how babies are made and how not to have one. Ollie now wants me to move to be with her and the baby (Its confirmed, I've talked to her parents) and I said No, I don't feel I need a reason but he asked. You're 15. We don't have any proof it your child yet. I'm not moving us away from our lives and you aren't going alone until your 18. We will do a DNA test then we will look at parenting plans and topped it off with a too bad, too sad. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. He took that back to Bree and now all communication between me and her parents has been cut, I'm a terrible person. My comments about the DNA test are disgusting and its fueling my sons hate for me. He says I am keeping him from the love of his life and future baby using my own successful relationship as proof it will work out. I actually don't even know if I am right or not. I'm just really upset and feel like my life I worked really hard for has been destroyed. EDITED FOR UPDATE: To answer some question. She is due September around the 22nd. So no there is no option for abortion. I dont think that or adoption ever was. Ollie admitted it was on purpose last night. Apparently, it was Bree's idea first "as a joke" that turned into a plan together. Bree's parents will only pass messages through my son and I have heard this for myself, I stood outside the door and listened to them tell him "Tell you mother "Insert info below" because I know I will just go off on her about that bullshit still". They are talking shit about me with my kid. They are appalled I would think that way of Bree when I have known her for more than half her life and do not wish to talk to me. I will not allow him to move out there alone. There are some past issues such has Bree breaking up with him twice in the last 18 months because she found someone that she liked more her new town (around August and October last year, same boy) and when it ended, she came back to Ollie. Bree is a nice girl but her behavior is toxic and has been since a child. Her mother and stepfather are nice but the relationship is unstable, the house is chaos (nine children combined, blended family and 2/3 teens with serious mental health struggles). He would be leaving stability for chaos and no structure. I want a DNA test, I will not budge on that. I am close to cutting HIS contact totally at this point because they are only empowering him and reenforcing his behavior towards me and his father. His father is a man of few words. Which is unhelpful, so far he's backed everything I have said and only really chosen to say "You have the intelligence of a pear" UPDATE #2 MAY 30TH: Things have gone south even further. At this point Husband and I have been blocked on all social media and numbers blocked but the communication with Ollie has continued. Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too but before using that I asked him to video chat Bree with me there and then I could ask Bree to please get her parents so I can talk to them about this and tell her that if they were going to continue to refuse then I would be blocking all contact to Ollie and communication until this is resolved - I told Ollie this before the call, at first he flipped out about it but it was this or I cut communication completely. I do think he understood that it is not okay that her parents are speaking to me through minors and he said himself he would like us to talk to each other. Bree joined the call and hung up when she saw I too was there. Ollie called back a few times and she didn't answer. She asked via text why I wanted to talk to her and Ollie told her that I wanted to speak to her mother and if we didn't resolve the communication issue then all contact would be ended until her parents made contact with us and we make a plan for the next few months (including DNA) and then birth arrangements, said that if the baby is his we will travel there for the birth and first few weeks after - he told her that I personally think it probably is his baby but I want to be sure and make sure everything is done right from the start. Well Bree blocked him with a reply, and he is totally heartbroken not eating, sitting in his room all day and night, NOT mad at me surprisingly - very, very sorry for him and to us, sad about it all and I think regretful. He even asked me if there was a way to "Undo it" for himself, I haven't talked about signing over rights (a "male abortion" his father called it) because I think he's just upset right now. A mutual friend of Bree and Ollies here in our hometown showed him a few posts she has made in the last 24 hours. Things like "It's you and me against the world baby girl" and memes about Deadbeat dads. She also announced the pregnancy which she hadn't done yet and the post had some single mother facts and quotes. Ollie's friends knew about the situation, and a few were under the impression he had "dumped her and the baby" going by the posts but when he explained that what had happen, they all rallied for him in the comments (I said not too) and now she's blocked them, and we can't see what she has posted. This is just a nightmare. I have of had a plan personally, not set but something I wanted to talk to her parents about, but I don't even want to waste my time at this point. Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too with said plan. Basically, Bree does DNA blood test. We will pay the full $1500 for it, if it is his baby we can book flights and plan to be there for the first month, I'll stay too with Ollie, maybe even the whole family and then we can also work on a parenting plan and getting into mediation for a judge to sign off on it - Ollie's father and I spilt for the first 7 months of his life so we have done this before and we know the process. But at this point I think I will just leave it to settle before sending a email.   Update #3: June 3, 2025 (four days later from Update #2 in the original post) Editor's note: edited out the bottom 2/3 of the updated post as it is a rehash of the original post Someone suggested I repost the update because they didn't see it until now, so I am. UPDATE AGAIN JUNE 3RD: Ollie's friend was able to see her Instagram through a old account (different email? I don't use Instagram enough to know what that means but it meant they weren't blocked when they reactivated).** They found the "pregnancy announcement post" and if you scrolled across it showed a digital copy of the scan Bree sent us as a 16 week scan - apparently the first scan she had at the OB. That is DATED 04/04 and clearly says GA 19+3 weeks, making an August due date I believe or very early September. This would not line up with the due date given to us but does line up with when her parents told me she was pregnant mid April, they told us "We've had the pregnancy confirmed" and sent a photo of the printed pic which the date isn't on there - I actually think it may of been cut off the top! I haven't told Ollie this yet because I want to be sure. I am very concerned about his mental health at the moment and taking that into considerate. But unless she gave the wrong period dates and the baby measured only 16 weeks then its not possible for it to be our sons. Also added information, her due date from what we know if September 22nd. She was here from December 20th to Jan 7th and saw Ollie December 21st and 22nd and January 4th and 5th. Never overnight. I asked Ollie when did this "happen" and he said January 4th was the only time which makes more sense as they were in public gathering otherwise (they were at a mutual friend's birthday that night but never stayed overnight). I have had 5 kids and I know the dates are too close to figure it out that way. *Ollie also said that the "joke" Bree made was to just see "if it happens" - The pregnancy because then it's obviously meant to be and he would be able to move. Too me it sounds like she had the plan a lot longer but I may be bias here.   Editor’s note: OOP made a separate update for the June 25th update, but it was removed, later re-installed in the first update post Update #4: June 15, 2025 (same update post, 12 days later) I spoke to Bree biological father (lives in this town) who had no idea about any of this - before you come for me, there was no known DV or anything. I felt I had run out of options at this point and I just wanted a way to contact them. Bree's mother then made contact, agreed to the blood test if we paid for it, Ollie and Bree spoke again and Bree asked to come here for a "holiday" and have an ultrasound with him to prove dates in person. I agreed to this, but I may not be thinking straight with the stress we have all been under. She says she is 26 weeks, sent him a photo of her belly (which has grown) and told him there is no other option but him to be the father, that the ultrasound had to go by her last period date and she didn't remember so she went by her app and it was the period before. Thats why the dates are out on the scan, I asked if she had a physical booklet of pregnancy notes or something because I know from experience that they have all the confirmed information on them, but she said everything is digital with her doctor and I didn't want to push because it's not my medical info. I'm wondering if I do just fly her out here on my own terms (her mother agreed) and do the blood and ultrasound here and put an end to it all.   Update #5: June 25, 2025 (same update post, 10 days later) We all come to a travel arrangement, we paid for Bree to fly out and her father was paying for the ticket home. Bree was supposed to fly to us this morning and stay for 6 weeks total flying back some time in august (her fathers in charge of that flight) She was staying with us over these next few weeks while we do our annual July 4th family vacation for a week and then a couple more weeks back here at home for the ultrasound / blood test. This was decided together (both families) because Bree and Ollie would like to have some kind of positive experience / memories during the pregnancy and obviously if baby wasn't his Bree would be taken to her fathers, and we would be finished with it all. But she never turned up for her flight. She texted the night before that the Dr did not recommend, she should not travel as she is at risk of preterm labor due to her age and her severe morning sickness makes her only be able to tolerate Pineapple juice, so she is needing to be hospitalized and maybe even deliver early. This is on top of a group photo that included Bree, obviously pregnant in a tight tee. Hugging the boy she was dating in her new town, his hand on her belly. It was quickly removed from her story when Ollie asked, I think it was intentional to make him jealous. I am done. I do not believe her or her parents. I have contacted a lawyer and therapist, I will not be updating again until I know the outcome of the DNA test that I assume will not be done until after the baby is born since I was told today, I cannot force her to have while pregnant. If this baby is Ollies and my grandchild, I am willing to move Bree here and have her live with us. It has no chance and will continue to ruin my son's life from afar.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Editor's Note: OOP made the latest update on a separate post, but also added the same body text onto the first update post Update #6: July 13, 2025 (new post, almost three weeks later) NEWEST UPDATE 07/13 My 15yo got his GF pregnant on purpose. I didn't plan on updating prior to the DNA test but I can confidently say we do not need it to know the truth. We will likely still do one if Bree sticks to her story, only I will go through the courts at this point. We have a family lawyer and he has advised these updates are fine as long as I do not identify anyone by name, location etc I had a lot of helpful messages on here and I do read them all even if I dont reply. One was from a radiographer who suggested that I look at the measurements of the baby on the ultrasound if I am able to get scan pictures and then use that to calculate if the baby was 16 weeks on that scan. I have kept that idea in mind if I ever got the chance to see the scan myself. The same redditor also raised concerns that she only had this one scan at "16 weeks" and there wasn't a 20 week scan again 4 weeks later. All OBs would do a scan at 18-22 weeks. The one photo we have seen is a photo of a scan, a profile shot of the babies face at "16 weeks" and there hasn't been another scan since then. We have been playing it safe and being very careful with how we tread around Bree, not wanting to cause any arguments. We have no mentioned this to them yet and if by chance someone tells them via this post or they know about this post we don't care, we have nothing to lose since the baby ISN'T Ollies and this is how I know. Bree and Ollie have many mutual friends, but only one other girl (Hannah) who is still friends with both of them from within the group. Hannah believes Ollie is the father because that's what Bree says but she had a falling out with Bree this week. It lead to her talking to Ollie and then she sent Ollie a video that Bree sent her after the ultrasound in April. Prior to this Bree had told her not to show him because he wasn't going to be in the babies life by choice and all the things she was posting about deadbeat dads. .The video shows MULTIPLE measurements being done and I was able to see clearly that the baby measured 19 weeks and that scan was the 20 week scan. There is no way that baby is Ollies baby. She is due August 26th. Ollie knows all of this and is doing okay. Very angry but he has the support he needs. What happens now we don't know but we know the truth. All we can do is speculate as to why my son was the target of this plan. I know we will likely never know the truth. To clear some things up, I will not be taking this up with Bree and her family until after the baby is born. I am not concerned about the DNA test results but will still do one. In the video the OB/Nurse whoever it was doing the scan says, "So your due date is August 26th, which lines up perfect for you last period..." So I KNOW that's the due date and you can clearly see the numbers on screen showing the measurements are 18-19 weeks. Ollie cannot be the father; she wasn't even in the state. There is plenty of other more detailed clues I have but will not post, I think the father is the boyfriend in that town but what I don't understand is why Ollie was better. Yes there is "more money" but we aren't rich, we just live smart. Thanks for the support. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: If she had had unprotected sex with multiple people then you need your son to get tested for everything. Ollie is lucky to have parents who are looking out for him. OOP: We have done. he's been given the all clear thank goodness. Commenter 2: Good that you’re protecting Ollie. Are you planning to do anything on his lying manipulative behaviour? Left unaddressed, he has the potential to manipulate not only you, but others including his friends, future partners. OOP: Therapy. Commenter 3: Would love to know what exactly you've done when it comes to consequences inside the home. He obviously needs therapy, but therapy isn't a consequence, it's a necessity. It seems like you've let him off the hook for everything because you feel bad that he's sad. That's not enough. OOP: We believe in natural consequences rather than punishments. So a natural consequence for this situation is exactly what's happened. A natural consequence for the intention to manipulate us to move etc is now the loss of trust and with a loss of trust comes the loss of freedom until that trust is earnt. but if I am totally honest, my kid just needs therapy and support at this point. He has lost everything, his confidence, his reputation, his girlfriend (even if for the better), a large majority of his friends and their parents who now don't want him around their kids etc Just because WE know that baby isn't his, doesn't mean the rest of the world around us does. Bree still insist it is and most believe her. He is being punished but not by me. OOP clarifies details on the pregnancy scan at 16 and 20 weeks OOP: She never had a 16-week scan. She had a 20-week scan that she told us was 16 weeks. As far as I know that is the only scan she has had. We will do a DNA test via the courts if she tried to pull child support, where we live you either need to sign the birth cert and agree that you're the father to be put on CS or if you disagree then you need to do a DNA test and its court ordered. So that would depend on what they do, I am not wasting money on a test when I know 100% already that baby isn't is. OOP on taking the proper steps of dealing with this whole situation OOP: We have spoken to a family lawyer and in our state, Bree can put him on the birth cert without him signing it, but in order to file for child support he needs to agree that he is the father plus be sighted as listed on the birth cert. If he raises a disagreement about being the father, it goes through court and a DNA would be ordered.   Latest Update here: BoRU #4   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

he is very sweet and snuggly but he’s also playful. the screenshot from facebook was when i took him to the vet for his shots, they asked for photos to share to their facebook 🤣🩵 submitted by /u/Weekly-Mulberry-4441 to r/NameMyCat [link] [comments]