Baby Clothes For Girls

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_BarbieDoll Originally posted to r/relationship_advice My (29F) husband (33M) says I changed after having kids, but I think he liked me better when I was just his Barbie doll. Original Post: June 20, 2026 My nickname has been Barbie since I was a teenager. Back then, I was pretty, thin, tan, had long blonde hair and my signature color was pink. I was involved in beauty pageants from the time I was a kid through my early 20s, and the nickname was first given to me by people I knew in the pageant world. Somehow over time more people started calling me that, and by the time I was in high school everyone called me that. My husband was the Ken to my Barbie. In school he was the popular guy, the prom king, and yes he had blonde hair too and a perfect smile. Once we met and got together, which wasn't until I was in college, everyone started calling us Barbie and Ken. We liked being the couple. I mean, I always thought our relationship was deeper than surface level, but I admit I liked the superficial parts of being together too. I liked being that couple. It was like part of my identity. I liked the image of who we were and how we looked together. We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Recently I had 2 babies pretty much back to back. I got pregnant with my second when the first was under 6 months old, and they're 18 months and 4 months now. I feel like my entire sense of self has just disappeared. My days right now are basically feeding, washing....everything, nap schedules that don't line up, and running the same load of laundry 3 times because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer on time. I know that's all normal for having really young kids. I live in oversized t-shirts (in fact, the one I've been wearing for days is an old Christmas-themed shirt of my husband's). I don't fit into any of my old clothes - I'm like 3 pant sizes bigger than before. I've tried buying new clothes, but nothing looks the same on me anymore and I'm confused about what looks good on me, when I used to be able to wear anything. What's really bothering me is the shift in how my husband and I interact. It's not like it's been big fights or anything like that. He eats dinner earlier now, usually standing at the kitchen counter while scrolling his phone. We talk less about anything personal. I don't think we really talk about anything personal anymore actually. It's all logistics, like who's going to run and get diapers. If I bring up feeling overwhelmed, he just says I should try to get more sleep. When? We sit on the couch together at night but barely actually talk. Nothing dramatic has happened. He still goes to work, he helps with the kids, he still says he loves me, but lately he started saying things like I've changed since having kids. He says I'm more emotional, more critical, harder to talk to, and not like the person he married. He's probably right in some ways. I just can't help thinking it's more than that though. I feel like something changed in how he treats me when I stopped being the Barbie version of myself. Now I'm tired, messy, forgetful, behind on everything, I don't dress up, I don't wear makeup, my hair is never styled. I feel like I'm being seen and treated differently because of that. I don't know if this is just a normal adjustment period that would be expected for raising 2 babies under 2, or if there's something bigger going on. I'm really worried that it's a sign of something bigger that I just didn't see or didn't want to admit until now. I'm worried our relationship was always built on superficial things and an image and nothing deeper than that. This isn't even like a bad situation. It's difficult, but it should be a happy type of difficult. What would happen if we really had to go through something bad together in life? How do you tell the difference between just natural relationship changes after having kids and the idea that my relationship only worked when we were pretending to be these idealized version of ourselves, like props for the other person? Relevant Comments OOP replied to a few long comments Reply #1 OOP: His life has obviously changed but not nearly as much as mine. He's still pretty much the person he was before, able to do all of the same things he did before. He goes to work, goes to the gym, goes on 2 week long work trips, still has time to take care of himself, is currently eating super healthy but just making all this food for himself because it's such a restrictive diet that he says I wouldn't want to eat it or have the willpower to only eat what he's eating. I'm like I'm lucky if I even remember to eat breakfast or have time to eat something I pop in the micro for lunch. He still leaves most days before 6 am so he can go to the gym, so that means I really get no help in the mornings. When he comes home, he does help with the kids but not to the point where I can just be "off" for a few hours straight. We went to the grocery store together this week - as close as we've got to a date for a while. He will grocery shop by ordering groceries for delivery, but even then he can't just make the list by himself. I don't want to get a divorce, but there have been times recently where I've wondered if I picked a life partner based on all of the wrong reasons. I wasn't thinking about finding a man who would do the laundry and the cooking and take the kids to the park before. I didn't consider things that I probably should have considered and I wish I had. I picked somebody based largely on stupid, surface level things. Reply #2 OOP: I don't really know how to quantify it. He helps when he gets home from work but it's not to the extent where I feel like I can be "off duty" for any amount of time. I feel like for me, the kids are now #1 and for him, he's still #1. I went back to work after my first baby was born, but decided not to after the second. I don't crave being back at work. Once there were 2, I actually found it easier to stay at home - it was less stressful than the logistics of 2 kids in daycare, for me and my brain at least. Commenter 1: If he HASN'T changed since having children then there is something wrong. What did he think would happen? You'd miraculously look and act exactly the same while growing birthing and caring for two tiny humans. He's an idiot. OOP: He and his life have changed farrrrr less than mine have. He just went and got his hair cut the other day, went clothes shopping, decided to go get his ear pierced on a whim. I'm like I can't even think of this stuff right now. I'm not saying I don't want him to take care of himself or feel as frazzled as I feel, but it's like he doesn't seem to understand why I'm not doing the same things he is. Commenter 2: Well, obviously. Becoming a parent is the single most life altering thing someone can do and when you're the one who pushed the babies out of your body it absolutely changes you. It's not clear whether your husband thought a stork would drop these kids off or something. But yes, you have to become a different person once other people's lives are depending on you. You will lose the weight with some effort and if you're not planning on more babies you'll eventually look like you once did. These things take time. Your husband just seems to have a very unrealistic theory of what it's like to have your body turned inside out by childbirth. Since you do have kids the single most important thing is maintaining their family. If this doesn't improve try some marriage counseling. OOP: He's on this new diet now himself, not that he really had weight to lose but it's all about the macros and fat to protein ratio and all that and he's like obsessive about it right now. Sometimes he only eats 1 meal a day. He bought a new scale because out old one broke, and he keeps making me weigh myself. He also keeps suggesting changes to my diet I can make to lose a few pounds each week. I think he genuinely thinks he's helping me. OOP on an example when she needed her husband's help with her children's appointments and if he could make changes to his schedule to get more involved OOP: I know, I've heard stories from some other women who are SAHM who say their husbands get up early before work and take care of the kids in the morning so she can get a little more sleep before she's on full time parent duty alone for the whole day. I don't think I could believe it at first. My car was in the shop 2 weeks ago. I was without a car all week. I had appointments 2 of those mornings. One of them was just a routine checkup appointment for our daughter. Normally I'd do that solo. I even suggested just getting a rental car, but he said that was stupid and we'd go to the appointment together. He took me to both of the appointments I had that week. Toward the end of the week he made a comment about how he missed his gym time because of me, then he quickly realized what he said and tried to back track like "I mean, it wasn't your fault, it's fine." I can't really answer your questions though. I don't know the answer. Is OOP afraid to ask her husband to make small changes to his daily routines and how does she feel about that? OOP: I don't know. I'm not afraid of him. I think I'm afraid of having to admit I can't handle it all, not being perfect, and so on. I know that's a me thing, not something he caused. I can't judge him for being image obsessed. I was too, and while those things aren't at the top of my list priority list anymore, a lot of my identity was wrapped up in those things and I still hold some of my self worth in those things and don't like myself as much now that I don't look a certain way. I don't see him as controlling. I've never felt that way about him. OOP on if she will have more kids with her husband OOP: I don’t plan to anytime soon. Our first baby was planned, the second was not. I’m on long-term birth control now. Commenter 3: Raising two under two is a huge strain on a relationship. Not because it's anyone's fault, but because more often than not, one partners entire life is baby related, there's not a moment to even think about anything else. And then the other gets to go out, leave the house for work, talk to other adults, basically have a whole chunk of their day that isn't baby related, and it's kinda like being in two different worlds. My husband tried to understand what I was dealing with, so much, but he never really got it until he had to stay home for a while when I got sick, and took over everything I would do. And for the record, you're SUPPOSED to change after having kids. But also, you're supposed to change as your life does. You're not going to be the same person you were in college, you grow. Ps. Don't stress about your body right now, you're post pardom, and you're body is going to feel weird and different for a while. It won't always be that way, but right now you've got a ton of hormones running through your system, AND your exhausted, AND you don't have a moment to yourself. That all gets better, but right now, give yourself some grace. (I lived in oversized shirts for so long! Do what makes you feel comfortable, and what's easy 🩷 the rest will come later) OOP: We didn’t mean to have 2 under 2. I think it’d be so much easier if we just had 1. Maybe things would at least feel more balanced, since I went back to work after having my first. It never felt like this when there was just one. Even when I was pregnant and taking care of just 1 baby I was still able to feel somewhat like myself, still took care of myself and my appearance. I’m not saying I don’t want my daughter to be here (my youngest is a girl and the oldest is a boy). I love her and I don’t blame her for this situation. The first pregnancy was planned and then surprise a few months after he was born I was pregnant again. We wanted more than 1 kid, but several years apart. When it happened like it did, we didn’t consider ending the second pregnancy. We just decided ok our Plans would change and we’d knock having babies out all in one go. I don’t know what drugs I was on to make me constantly think and say “having one more can’t possibly be that much harder.” I truly believed it wouldn’t be as big of an adjustment as going from no babies to 1 baby. I was wrong. And I’m crying just typing all of that because I really do love my daughter and I don’t regret having her. OOP on her sex life with her husband OOP: I know I’m only 4 months PP, but I thought I’d easily snap back. You hear about all of these other women who lose all the weight so quickly with breastfeeding. And I thought I was young and it’d be easy. I’m 30 pounds heavier than normal. I can’t believe how much 30 pounds changes your entire body and how I’m 3 pant sizes bigger now. I just miss being able to go to the store or order stuff online and always know the size that’ll fit me, always know the types of clothes that look good and flatter me. I feel lost now. We still have sex. Obviously with 2 babies, one being only 4 months old, it’s not happening like it used to. He’s not selfish in bed. He’s never been that way. But he’s still wanting to see all of me and give me oral sex and things like that. But I’m not in the mood for sex very often. It happens maybe 1-2 times a week.   Update: June 23, 2026 (three days later) I posted just 3 days ago, but I want to give an update because I took the comments to heart and decided to stop wallowing by myself and online and just come out and tell my husband how I've been feeling. I'm still getting comments on that post today, so I wanted to share what's changing. On Father's Day we did some special stuff for Father's Day. He even semi-broke his diet for the special occasion, but only semi. In the afternoon, both babies were napping at the same time, which doesn't happen often despite my best efforts. He really wanted to have sex. We used to have sex all the time and still did pretty frequently after our son was born (my son is the oldest at 18 months and my daughter is 4 months). It only happens maybe 1-2 times a week now because I'm just tired and never in the mood. He has not been rejecting me sexually, and when it does happen it's actually one thing he's not selfish about. If anything, I'm trying to turn it into a quickie and he wants to do everything to me. If I have free time, I want to sleep. So, I resisted for a while but he promised me he'd give me an amazing orgasm which would help relax me. I figured ok, it was Father's Day, but he better make good on his promise. We actually had fantastic sex and I was so relaxed and sleepy afterwards. One of the kids woke up and he told me to sleep and he'd handle it. I ended up sleeping for 3 hours straight in the middle of the day and it was divine. I woke up from that nap and realized I should be getting these naps every weekend. I should be getting more breaks and time to myself. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to voice that. I know that part of me wanted him to realize it himself without being told. I wanted him to offer or step up or whatever you want to call it. I didn't want to have to tell him. I was probably being too stubborn about that. I woke up from the nap and when I went out to the living room I told him immediately that I need a nap like that every weekend. He said ok. I said no, I'm serious and he needs to promise me he'll let me sleep for a few hours uninterrupted every weekend day when he's home. He said ok, like it was nothing. Then I just kept going. I told him I need more help, not outside help as I'm not comfortable with people coming into the house and cleaning or taking care of my kids when I'm there. I want him to do it. I want him to either wake up in the morning and do some chores before he goes to the gym, even if that means he has to wake up at 4 am now....because I'm up at that time! I don't even want to go to the gym, but if he wants me to look like I used to, I'd like to be able to be up at 4 am riding the Peloton while he does chores or take care of anyone who is awake and needs fed or changed during that time. He just said "I can do that" like it was nothing. I asked him if it's nothing, why am I having to ask for it. He said he just didn't think of it, he's not a mind reader. I don't expect him to be a mind reader but how hard is it to comprehend that your wife, who is with your 2 babies all day long, might need a little more help? Yesterday when he got home from work I was dressed and ready to go. He walked in the door and I told him I was going to get my hair done and I'd be home whenever, didn't know how long it'd take. Give him a run down on who had last ate and been changed and napped and when and bye. He did have to text me once or twice to ask where some things were, but everything was fine. I decided that I don't need to keep trying to be the same me with the same look I've had for years. I got about 7 inches cut off my hair. I haven't had my hair done professionally in over 6 months, and I used to be there all the time, like every 2 months. I just wanted something that actually looked styled and cute, plus it's still below my shoulders so it's not super short, but easier to maintain now. I walked in the door and he was like "you look like a mom." Grrr. It didn't feel good, but at the same time I just told him I am a mom and if he doesn't like it that's tough. He's the one who made me a mom. He said he was just joking and he liked it, it looked really good. I don't know if I believe him, but I like it and that should be all that matters. Tonight I told him 1) I need him to do some chores and I'm making him a chore chart like he's a little boy. He said that was okay, and he admitted he is like a little boy and needs told what to do. I told him that whatever sort of whacky diet eating like 500 calories a day he wants to do is whatever, but he needs to start helping prepare food for me because I'm not eating well and I'm not losing weight and I want to lose weight. I told him I don't really want to step on the scale in front of him though. He said I was the one who kept going on about being fat and wanting to lose weight. He's not wrong. I’ve already told him that tomorrow we’re having a serious conversation about all of this, what we both need from each other right now, when he gets home from work. I had originally told him I wanted to do that tonight but he had to work until 7 tonight so I knew I’d be too tired and likely right in the middle of my son’s bedtime routine when he got home. So tomorrow is when I’m going to really put it all on the table. I’m not ready to say anything like I’m considering divorce or will divorce him if xyz doesn’t happen. that’d be a lie. I’m not even thinking of divorce. The only reason I’m even mentioning divorce here is because there were several comments about it on my previous post. But if you were me, what would you say and what would you ask of your partner? Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Welp, you are going to push him out of this marriage by loading up on years of frustrations and demanding he change everything at once. Take responsibility for your own diet and exercise program. Why is that his responsibility? You both should be cooking reasonable family meals as your kids grow up. It’s great that you stated your beds and he accepted them. Honestly though? Why do you get a 3 hour weekend nap? What if he demanded the same? Why when you get up at 4am you are doing something for yourself, but he has to do chores? And then after that he does what, heads to work to support the family? Very, very strange. What should you do in this next conversation? Recognize what he has done so far and show appreciation. Unload again after several days of this? I’ll see one of you in my office soon. I’m a divorce attorney. OOP: No I don’t want it to be just me unloading. I want it to be a 2 way convo. I also don’t feel like I have years of resentment towards him. I’m not asking him to be in charge of my diet and exercise. I can exercise myself, I just need to be able to have some sort of routine which means having a specific time in the day I know is mine and he’s got the kids covered. He’s already prepping meals for himself. He’s on a crazy diet right now. As of right now he’s eaten 200 calories today and it’s after 8 at night. I’m not wanting to do that but if he’s prepping healthy meals he could put something in a container for me. He’s the one asking me to get on the scale and weigh myself! I’m taking care of 2 babies at home by myself all day. That’s why I’m asking for some more help from him. He’s complained that I’ve changed and if he wants me to be more like how I used to be, I need his help. He currently wakes up at 5 am and goes to the gym before going to work. He already gets up super early and he does it for himself. He enjoys the gym. I’m not trying to take that away from him. I just need a little time carved out for me. Commenter 2: Amazing progress and INCREDIBLE how he’s said ok to everything. But are you going on 3 days in a row of “we need to have a serious conversation when you get home”??? Slow down, girl. Give him a chance to change his behavior. Don’t dump on him and blowup your whole life bc of something that will take time to correct. Gonna be a lot harder on you if he leaves you. OOP: We haven’t been having serious conversations each day. I wouldn’t say there’s really been any conversation. Just me telling him things. He’s not going to leave. Commenter 3: Look up information on The Mental Load. Basically, him saying that you have to tell him what to do is putting the mental load back onto you and that just doesn’t help when you’re already overwhelmed, now you have to manage somebody else as well as the kids. OOP: Yeah I don’t want to have to do a chore chart. I would prefer if he would have realized things that needed to be done or thought of ways he could help without being told. I’ve finally accepted that he literally doesn’t seem to even think about it or know what to do in that regard. He’s not against helping but I have to specifically ask. It’s not perfect but if he’s receptive hopefully he’ll start to get a better grasp on all those little things that need done and can start initiating himself. OOP responds to a longer comment regarding having teamwork with her husband without her bothering him too much about helping her out OOP: What in the world? I don’t think I’m that hard to please. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader at all. I just think it’d be nice if he could think of some things to do for me or around the house or when it comes to the kids on his own without needing to be told specifically what needs done. Or, if he truly doesn’t know what to do, to at least ask what he could do to help. He’s an adult and an equal parent so he should understand things that need done around the house or basic needs our children have that he could offer to do in the evenings. I don’t think that’s expecting too much. I’ve learned that plenty of men are like that, but mine isn’t. I admittedly wasn’t looking for that when we got together. I didn’t consider many things when we got together. I do like him for more than surface level things. I like a lot about his personality and who he is beyond the physical, but I won’t lie - we got together for pretty shallow reasons and I placed importance on really shallow things without fully realizing it. He has “me” time. Just the other day he decided to go out clothes shopping, got his hair cut, got his ear pierced randomly. I’m not mad about that. He relaxes most of the night when he’s home after work. I’m not saying he has to give every second of that up. I just think there’s a way to ensure we both get me time to do the things that make us feel good. It seems a bit lopsided right now. I don’t think I’ve degraded him at all. He’s the one that got little puppy dog eyes and was like “yeah I’m like a little boy you just need to tell me what to do.” He thought it was funny, yet admitted it was also true. He definitely didn’t seem insulted. I think there comes a point where if you want to be treated like a man, you first have to act like one. OOP on her weight and how her husband is reacting to it OOP: I am insecure about gaining weight. I’m about 30 pounds heavier than normal and I don’t like how I feel or look. But he’s the one making me weigh myself on the scale. He’s the one making comments about how I’ve changed. OOP responds to a comment about the timeline of having kids OOP: Yes, we planned to have 2-3 kids. Our first was planned. We didn’t really have conversations about who would be doing what though. It just didn’t occur to me to have those talks. Everything felt easier then. I went back to work after my maternity leave and I wasn’t nearly as tired and overwhelmed then. The second pregnancy was not planned to happen then. We had planned to wait several years before having another baby. But it ended up happening. I didn’t plan to quit working when I did, so we hadn’t really been having these ongoing conversations about how things would look with me staying home. Then when it did happen I felt like I could handle it all and I wanted to handle it all on my own. I felt like I should be able to. I quit my job and felt like I had to take everything on to prove myself or something. A lot of it was me, not him making me feel that way. OOP clarifies on having sex several times a week with her husband OOP: I should probably clarify that I’m not having sex 1-2 times a week out of some sort of obligation to my husband. I like sex. We’re very compatible sexually. He wouldn’t complain if suddenly I wanted to go back to having it nearly every day, but he’s not nagging me about it. He initiated more often then it actually happens and he easily accepts a no and moves on most times. These days I am not in the mood for any sort of long drawn out sessions though, I’m happy that we both get an orgasm and I don’t want to take forever to get there. I’m not trying to hurry it because I don’t want to do it. I’m hurrying it because I don’t have that much energy and my time is limited, especially in moments where both are sleeping. Since my second baby was born 4 months ago, we’ve had maybe 10-12 times. Even during my second pregnancy it was much more frequent than that. Perhaps it isn’t typical but I don’t think it’s crazy. This feels pretty good for us based on what things used to be like. OOP on having outside chores OOP: My husband doesn’t do any of the outdoor chores. He absolutely hates it! I like making the yard pretty. I own more yard equipment and tools than he does but yes I have a pink toolbox and a pink and white shed I keep all that crap in. I’m not criticizing him for not doing it. I’ve always known he hates that stuff and would basically do any inside chore before ever having to do things outside. Only “task” he likes doing outside is grilling.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Product Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Previous BoRUs: #1 [New Update]: My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her? Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Thanks to u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update! Trigger Warnings: grief, depression RECAP Original Post: May 24, 2026 My wife and I have been together for almost 4 years, and married for a year. She's 16 weeks pregnant with our first baby. Since becoming pregnant, she seems to have become sort of fixated on her deceased first husband and I don't know how to talk about this with her without hurting her or making it sound like I'm jealous of a dead guy. Her first husband died in a motorcycle accident in late 2020. He was only 34. They had been trying for a baby at the time. She wasn't looking for a relationship when we started dating. She lived around the corner from my parents and walked her dog every morning and every night. My parents became friendly with her and decided that they should play matchmaker after I made a comment about thinking she was really cute when I was over at their house one day and saw her walking her dog. She was really open with me about everything that had happened with her first husband. I understood that it was a huge part of her life and never expected her to erase that part of her history or pretend like he never existed. He has come up occasionally, but not constantly. It seemed normal to me. Something has changed since she got pregnant. At least, I think it's only been happening since then. I've noticed her frequently looking at old pictures of him on her phone, looking him up online, and just sitting here looking at the street view of the house they used to share. She's bringing him up a lot more often, just making a lot of offhanded comments about things they did together. This week she asked if we could use his name for our baby's middle name. We are probably not going to find out if it's a boy or girl until they're born, but his name was unisex so could go either way. She said she knows not the first name, like she's really prefer to ask for that but knows that'd be going too far. I told her I'd have to think about it, but inside my initial reaction was absolutely not. I genuinely feel terrible for this guy. He honestly sounds like somebody I'd like to hang out with. What happened to him is unfair. I guess I should be happy because I'm alive, I have a wife I love, we're starting a family, and this poor guy isn't going to have any of that. So, is it really a big deal if I let her use his name? It's just weird and sort of hurtful for me though. This should be a happy time for us, but for some reason she's being pulled back into all of her memories of him. I want to bring it up to her. I don't think she realizes I've seen what she's been looking at on her phone every day. I've not been snooping. When she's sitting so that I can see her phone when she's using it, it's hard to miss what she's looking at. She's been extremely emotional for the past 4 months, so I'm worried that bringing this up won't go over well and I don't want to upset her. I also don't want to come across as an insecure jerk who is jealous of a dead man. How can I bring all of this up with her in the most sensitive way possible while also not just giving in to this whole name thing just because I feel bad? Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I'm sorry you're going through this. I do not say this to imply your relationship is on the rocks, but rather because it's quite likely to help. You need couples therapy and she may need grief therapy. There is a good chance your wife wrote off ever being able to have a baby when her first husband died, and then, when she got pregnant with you, she feels like she did the thing she tried to do for him as well. Dating after loss is different, because you aren't, or at least shouldn't be, expected to stop loving the one you lost. It can be a difficult thing for the new person, and I don't think she's trying to make you uncomfortable, but this is an incredibly emotional time in both your lives. OOP: Yeah I don't think she's trying to make me uncomfortable either. When we were dating it was acknowledged by both of us that neither of us has done this before. She hadn't dated anyone else after he died and I've never dated anyone who had her previous partner die. After a while maybe I just felt like we had navigated it and it's not really something that I ever think about now. Commenter 2: Grief is different for everyone. Maybe getting pregnant triggered thoughts of the ex, and the baby they'll never have now that he's gone. She could have hormones making her extra emotional, too. I would be supportive and patient, and allow some time for her to process what could be 'what might have been" thoughts. Maybe gently offer if she might want to talk to someone neutral to help her with this? OOP: I agree with you. I understand why it might have triggered something, but at the same time I guess there's part of me that's wondering if she's really wishing she was doing all of this with him. I don't feel insecure about her previous relationship, but doesn't make me feel great when I find myself wondering if she had to pick, would she pick him? That's how her staring at pictures of him every day is making me feel. OOP on if this was the first time his wife feels like she betraying her late husband OOP: This isn't the first time we've encountered something together where she feels like she's betraying him. Somehow that was easier for me to deal with. Sex was a big thing because she hadn't been with anyone else after him and she was honest about feeling like she'd be cheating on him, so that had to go very slow for her. It wasn't so difficult to be respectful of that and be patient, but then again it was much earlier in our relationship. Is OOP feeling insecure about his relationship with his wife due to her thoughts about her last husband? OOP: In general I don't feel insecure about our relationship. I'm only human though and I don't know of many people who might not feel a little hurt to see their wife suddenly constantly staring at pictures of her former husband who died and bringing him up in the majority of conversations. So yeah, I've had thoughts where I've wondered if she's really wishing she was going this with him instead. I'm not acting on those feelings or holding anything against her. I'm not upset at her about it. I don't doubt that she loves me. I'm worried about her. And yeah, I want us to be happy together right now. I don't want her grief overshadowing this whole experience for us, and maybe that's selfish. I won't try to tell her how to feel or tell her she can't be sad. I think sometimes you can't really help how you feel, but just depends how you act on it. If I tried to make her stop bringing him up or stop looking at him, then that'd be another issue. Commenter 3: While I don’t think the child should have this guy’s name even as a middle what is going on is totally expected given her situation. She was trying to get pregnant when her late husband had his accident so of course now that she’s pregnant those memories and feelings will come back tenfold. Plus those pregnancy hormones are no joke. Has she been through grief therapy before? If not, I highly suggest she start and it can’t hurt for you both to do some couples therapy as well. OOP: No, she won't go to any sort of therapy. OOP on his wife's history with her late husband OOP: They were together 8 years, but knew each other since they were kids. She told me she waited 10 years for him to finally notice her in the way she wanted him to notice her, so he was like her childhood crush. I can't compete with that. It doesn't matter if he was alive or not, we just have a different history. Commenter 4: Question: what grief help did she receive after the passing of her husband? He died late 2020 and started dating you about 2ish years later? I’m not saying she moved on quickly because I’ve seen people successfully maneuver new relationships a variety of years after a passing of a significant other. But since they had been trying to have a baby when he passed, it’s likely the pregnancy triggered a lot of emotions. I also find her parents intervention to find her a new romance concerning since she hasn’t been necessarily ready. I have other concerns related to this, but we’ll focus on the major issue at hand. Working through the pregnancy and what it may trigger related to her deceased husband. Be honest and say: I realize you and your husband had planned to have kids at the time of his passing, and I want to see how the pregnancy is impacting you emotionally. You asking to use his name as the middle name of our child made me want to talk about this more. Before we talk too much about this, it may be helpful to talk with your ob-gynecologist about your feelings to get guidance from them on if maybe you should talk to a grief counselor or if we should talk to a couples counselor about this. The naming request is a lot for me to understand, and I would love some help to talk through this with you. Try to keep it as nonjudgmental as possible. Try to keep in focused on hearing each other, maybe after one or both of you talk to someone else to help you put your thoughts into constructive words. Try to keep it empathetic. Good luck. You sound like you’re being truly patient and loving. I don’t think your wife is being mean either. She’s just feeling all the feelings. OOP: She didn't get any professional help. She's very resistant to it. I've never tried to push her to do it and on the outside she seemed to be handling it ok. I've let her know that it's okay to go to therapy, just tried to get rid of some sort of stigma she seems to feel about it. I think that comes from her family. Her parent's didn't intervene to find her a new relationship. It was my parents that did, but they didn't know what had happened to her. After he died, she ended up selling their house because it was too sad for her being there alone and she couldn't afford the mortgage all on her own. She bought a smaller house on her own, and that house happened to be around the corner from my parents' house. She walked her dog twice a day, every day, and she'd pass my parents’ house each time. My parents are retired and the type of people that want to strike up a conversation with everyone, so they became friendly with her, and she'd usually stop and talk to them for a few minutes on her walks if they were outside. I made no secret them that I thought she and her little dog were really cute, so my parents decided to get involved set us up to have to talk to each other one day. She didn't tell them about what had brought her to live there and if they'd known that they probably wouldn't have decided to get involved. She said she wasn't looking to date anyone, and I didn't force her to get involved with me. It went extremely slow in the beginning because we had to go at her pace and I respected that. I don't regret not removing myself from the situation, but maybe it was way too soon for her, and I should have just not perused anything.   Update #1: May 26, 2026 (two days later) Update - My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her? I’m posting a quick update post because I’m continuing to get new comments and advice on my original post, but the conversation I was seeking advice for has already sort of come to a head with my wife. I appreciate the comments and the advice that was given and I think it helped prepare me for what came next yesterday evening. We originally had several parties to go to on Memorial Day, but yesterday morning she told me she didn’t feel up to going. I realized it was probably the best segway I was going to get in asking her about what’s going on. So I asked her what’s wrong, what’s going on, and to please talk to me. She said nothing was wrong and she just didn’t want to go anywhere, she didn’t want to get dressed, and she wanted to stay home in bed all day. She switched the topic to her bump and how excited she is that it’s suddenly popped out, and she really looks pregnant now. It looked flat forever and she’s been anxiously waiting for there to be something there, and it really seems like overnight it’s become very obvious and she can’t get over it. I don’t like calling it a bump but what else is there to call it? I don’t know, bump sounds gross to me and not like a word an adult man should be saying. Anyway, she said she just wanted it to be us that day and she wanted to cuddle in bed and have sex all day. That’s literally what she said. So much for me getting her to talk about how she’s been feeling. She does that when she’s uncomfortable with a topic somebody’s brought up. She switches topics to something happy and cheerful. But she genuinely seemed happy and it was sort of a hard offer to turn down so I decided not to push her because I know her well enough to know it won’t work. Later in the afternoon she decided to get up and take a shower. When she got out she told me she didn’t want me to be mad, but she really felt like she wanted to go over to her former husband’s parents’ house to tell them about the baby. She felt like she should tell them in person and like it was just something she needed to do. We hadn’t talked about him or the name or anything that day but obviously this has been on her mind and maybe she was feeling guilt about how his family might feel. I’ve met his parents. They’re super cool. Well his dad’s a little scary and threatened to kill me if I hurt her but you can tell they genuinely love her and she’s part of that family. I asked her if she wanted me to come with her. I wasn’t trying to force myself into the situation but wanted to offer just in case she wanted my support. I didn’t felt like I needed to be there. She said she just wanted to go alone, and I was fine with that. She was gone for several hours. When she came home her face and eyes were all red and puffy and as soon as she walked in the door she hugged me and just started sobbing and apologizing and saying she was so sorry, this isn’t fair to me, she doesn’t want to hurt me, but she misses him so bad right now and she can’t stop thinking about him doesn’t know why. I told her I know that I noticed and it’s ok. I can’t pretend to fully understand it because I’m not her and I’ve never been in her position. I felt like she wanted to talk but didn’t want to say too much to me because she didn’t want to hurt me. I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened at his parents’ house. She said both of his parents were so happy for her/us, they both cried, she cried about how much she missed him and that they were saying really nice things about me. She said she just had to feel close to him and she can’t imagine how horrible that is for me to hear. She gave most of his stuff to his parents once we moved in together. I didn’t make her give away his belongings. She held onto everything after he died, literally anything and everything, and it would have been awkward living amongst all his things. I mean, she still had his 3 motorcycles, including the one he died on, sitting in her garage at that time. So, I’m not just talking some little momentos or clothes. She said she was ready to release those things at the time. She gave the motorcycles to his parents because they had the room to store them and his dad rides so they wouldn’t just waste away. That was something special between him and his dad, so she knew they’d be taken care of. She told me she asked to see his bikes when she was over at his parents’ house, because that was like his second greatest love and they were custom made and everything. She started sobbing all over again telling me they got rid of the one he died on. She wishes they would have told her. It was too hard for them to see it every day, and it wasn’t operable, so they kept the other 2 but got rid of that one, she just sat sobbing saying it wasn’t fair that they didn’t tell her and wanted it. She doesn’t ride motorcycles btw. But she was already online trying to track it down and talking about buying it back. It feels a little unhealthy to me here. His parents live in the same little neighborhood where the house they owned together was. So she said she drove by there, then she drove to where he died, which was only 5 minutes away from their house. I generally don’t try to impose on her grief or tell her how she should handle things. Honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her cry like this over it and rarely have I ever felt like what she’s saying or doing is at a level of concern. But this time I really felt like she was just torturing herself and it didn’t really seem healthy. Literally searching online to see if she could find his bike, revisiting where he died. Idk know because I admit I’ve never lost anyone remotely that close to me before. The whole time she’s crying about this she’s saying she’s a horrible wife and she understands if I want to leave her, she doesn’t know why this is happening. All she can think about is his death. I told her maybe she should try thinking about positive things, even going somewhere that has some sort of positive connotation rather than where he died. I’m not leaving her over this, and I feel so bad that she’s seriously worried I’d leave her because of this, and when she’s pregnant with my kid of all times. I’m a little too committed now to back out. I accepted this, and was aware of it and accepted it multiple times as our relationship progressed. There were multiple points when I could have backed out, and I let her know all this. But I was also honest and let her know that I also hope that we can get through this so we can enjoy this experience together and that if there’s anything I can do to please let me help her. Not get over it, but get through it and be able to be happy. At this point, what more can I do? I think I just need to continue to focus on the positive things that we’re doing together and hope that she’ll engage in those things with me and that her grief doesn’t swallow her up. I’ve made her aware that I’m here if she wants to talk. I doubt that makes her feel any less guilty for whatever thoughts she’s having, but how else can I show her that I mean it? I think this maybe just something we need to ride out. I’m scared I’ll push her away if I start trying to demand she goes to grief counseling. It’s probably be good for her, but I know her and how she reacts to that type of stuff. I don’t think I’ll bring up the name thing anytime soon, but I’m going to try to find it in myself to let her use the name if it’ll really mean that much to her. I won’t promise it right now, but I realize maybe I am being selfish with that one. At least it’s not a name that I hate. Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I know people say it a lot, but this is where therapy could really help. OOP: I know, but she’s really resistant to it. I don’t think trying to force her would do any good right now and would only stress her out more. Commenter 2: You are going to get to a point where it's therapy or your new family and ignoring it sucks. Getting it now prevents her from robbing from herself the experience she's having now and the baby she's having now and who she's having it with. OOP (downvoted): There have been other times where she’s had a hard time dealing with what happened and she got through it. It’s never been this bad as far as I’m aware. OOP on his wife needing to receive proper care to help with moving forward OOP: She’s not anti-medicine, just anti therapy. Well she’s not against other people seeking therapy, she just refuses to accept it could be good for her. + OOP: I don’t really believe that grief counseling is a must for everyone who experiences loss. Honestly, she seemed to be handling it in a way that I guess I’d expect somebody to. It obviously affected her and there were certain times in our relationship where it was a lot heavier for her than others, but she seemed to be doing pretty well. It’s not like I’ve done this before either. I was probably naive about everything I was walking into, and I guess still am to a large degree. Commenter 3: How long ago did her husband die? OOP: About 5.5 years ago. Commenter 4: This is way above your and reddits pay grade. She needs therapy. It will only get worse when the baby gets here - in the form of PPD or PPA. OOP: I’m not expecting professional level advice here really. I don’t think it’s at the point where I need to or should try to force her to get therapy. Many people have suggested it to her. She’s really resistant to it. I think it could get to that point but not yet. Commenter 5: What’s the plan for when baby is born and she isn’t mentally well enough to handle caring for baby round the clock? Do you have ample paternity leave, at least 2 months’ worth? Will she be staying home alone with baby, or will baby be going to daycare? If she refuses to get help, you need to start putting safeguards in place now to make sure baby is taken care of just in case things go downhill fast. OOP: I have 24 total weeks of leave I can take. OOP on if his wife could go to the grave to help with grieving OOP: It’d probably help if there was a grave to go to. His ashes actually live inside her dresser drawer. Commenter 6: Also living in the same house I’m assuming? Living close to his parents, trying to help her find the motorcycle he was killed on, all bad ideas. Therapy and a new home always from the deceased parents, would help her more than anything. That doesn’t mean she can never see her ex in laws, but the fact is they two are trying to recuperate. They two are trying to get past losing their son and when she comes over or they come to your house then all this comes up again and so then everybody’s crying and upset and then they start all over again and that’s not good. It’s better to move away a little bit. You don’t have to move. You know 100 miles or anything but just a little bit enough that she just doesn’t wanna just run over there every time she’s feeling bad. I don’t know how long you neglected to put how long her husband has been dead that has a big bearing on her recovery from his death. If you can let us know how long he’s been deceased. OOP: We don’t live in the house they shared. I don’t think I’d ever want to do that. She had already sold the house when I met her. She couldn’t afford the mortgage on her own. She bought a smaller house near where my parents live, which is how we met. We lived separately and then when we got engaged I ended up moving out of my place and moving into her house so we could fix it up together to sell. We bought a new house together. It’s all in the same city, but we’re in a different area than where she lived with her first husband. It’s about a 20 minute drive away, so she doesn’t have to pass the spot where he died on a regular basis or anything. We’re both from here and we looked at other towns nearby, but we prefer the city we’re from. Commenter 7: Damn dude, I am proud to share a gender with a class act like you. Take care of yourself, but I now will be pumping the breaks on actively being MORE ok with dating and marrying a widow verses...doesn't even matter, but I never imagined a situation could blossom like yours and my heart goes out to you. OOP: The thing is, it hasn’t been like this for our entire relationship. He’s come up, certain things have been sort of triggering for her, but usually she tells me and it’s not at this level. The topic of our wedding and wedding day was difficult for her. But she didn’t have this huge breakdown. She was up front that as much as she was excited for us to get married, part of her felt weird getting married again because he first marriage didn’t end in a traditional way. She was honest that she didn’t know if she wanted this huge wedding, but she understood if I wanted something bigger because it was my wedding too. I understood and I didn’t really care about having this lavish thing. I just wanted our friends and family there and for everyone to have fun, not this big spectacle. We planned it just how we wanted it and so many people told us it’s the most fun wedding they’ve been to. We worked through those things that were difficult for her and we both compromised. It’s not like her history isn’t there, but it’s just never been like this before.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Update #2: June 5, 2026 (1.5 weeks later from the first update) I’m not really sure where else to post this that’s allowed or makes sense. Not sure anyone will even see it here, but since I’m still getting a ton of messages just want to put it out there that my wife’s doing somewhat better. I've noticed a gradual improvement in her mood and everything since Memorial Day which is when she went over to her former in laws house and had a meltdown when she got home. She’s also said she’s feeling better and she thinks she just had to get it off her chest with telling them and have a good cry about everything she’d been holding in. I've not seen her crying since then and she hasn’t been mentioning her former husband quite as much. The fixation seems to be becoming less and less each day. She didn’t suddenly stop thinking about him and I would t be stupid enough to assume everything would just magically get better overnight. She hasn’t really talked about needing to find his crashed motorcycle since the day after Memorial Day when she was trying to find it online. it wasn’t currently operable but it stood up and wasn’t in pieces or anything. It was mostly intact and just needed some repairs. Somebody hit him and he was thrown off the bike for a big distance. he suffered a lot more damage than the bike did. I’m not sure who would want to buy a bike somebody was killed on though. I also want to clarify that she hasn't been neglecting our own families over his family. We had already announced the pregnancy to our families weeks before she told his family. She also hasn’t been doom and gloom about everything the entire pregnancy. She was really excited when she first found out when she took a test at home. She was really scared it might take a long time to get pregnant, but it happened within the first month of us trying. She and her former husband had been trying for 3 months, and nothing happened, but she wasn’t talking about that or crying over it when we found out she was pregnant. We also have first names picked out and she was very intentional about saying she didn’t want to use the names that she had picked out with him and she wanted the first names to be special names we picked out together. We also have plans for the nursery, like paint color and things picked out that she’s excited about. So, I know that all of that doesn’t mean that she still might not be struggling with some things emotionally. I know it doesn’t mean that she’s immune to PPD. It’s just that she’s not not functioning. She’s not only focusing on him or experiencing sadness and crying all the time. Even her focus on him didnt seem to be veering on unhealthy until Memorial Day weekend. I hate to say it, but prior to that weekend I was just more annoyed by her constant focus on him and the middle name thing Than I was truly concerned for her mental health. It was more concerning after that weekend, but I think maybe it was just a bump in the road which I’ve seen her have before to somewhat lesser degrees. I did casually mention talking to somebody…a professional more qualified than me. She said something like “Do you just not want me to tell you anything then?” then she went on about how she’s fine and she wants to be able to feel sad sometimes without being told she should get help. Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whataitodo I[21/F] found out my parents[42/M-40/F] are not my parents. TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, child abandonment, emotional abuse Original Post - rareddit Dec 14, 2015 I have a brother and a sister [17-16], and I grew up in a great home. My parents have always been very loving to me and put up with a lot of my crap over the years, but they have been the best. I finished my semester last week, and am home for Christmas holiday. Friday I decided to stop by my grandmother's house(Dad's mother). She has always been distant to me, so I thought I could maybe spend some time with her. After idle chit chat she finally asked what I wanted. I said I just want to spend time with my grandmother. She snorted and said I should probably go track them down then. I asked her what she meant. She told me that the man I have always known as my dad wasn't. She said that my dad had a wife before my mom who was a cheating slut and got pregnant by another man. Shortly after my mother left, and left a bastard child with my dad. Said he met a good women shortly after and that he had her her real grandkids with that woman. She told me that she told my dad for years to leave me in a foster home and let the government handle me, since he had no connection to me, but he refused. I was in shock. I went to my car and called my mom and asked her. She told me to come home so we could talk. She said that is what true, but it did not matter to my dad, and when they got together she fell in love with me too. She told me I am just as much her daughter as my siblings and she will always love me. I told her I needed to think, so I went to a highschool friend's place. I stayed there yesterday and I am still here. My mother? has called me several times, as has my dad? but I just can't talk at the moment. I have texted that I am ok, I need to think. I don't know what to do. My whole life was a lie. The people I thought where my parents and sibling aren't and I can't handle it. How can they stand to be around me, how can they love me? What do I do? tl;dr: My parents are not my parents, I don't know what to do. TOP COMMENT Zombiedrd Your "grandmother" (I say it like this, not because she isn't your biological grandmother, but because she doesn't deserve the title) is a horrible, horrible woman. First, just because they are not your progenitor, it does not mean they are not you parents. They are the ones who fed you, changed your diapers, clothed you, raised you, LOVED you. Being a parent has nothing to do with DNA(Plenty of people here can back this one up). So, she IS your mother, he IS your father, and they ARE your siblings. They love you, you love them, they are your family. Second, call them and let them know that you are okay. They need to hear your voice. Their little girl has received very shocking news, in a horrible manner(I hope your Dad has a fucking talking to with his "mother") and they are very worried about you, because they love you. Third, when you are ready, go home, hug them, and then sit down with them, and ask any question you feel you need to, but know that no matter what, you are their daughter. Update - rareddit Dec 17, 2015 (3 days later) First, I want to say thank you guys for the overwhelming support and advice. I was very emotional the last weekend and I do see that I overreacted some. My parents have been wonderful to me and they have brought me unconditional love my entire life. They have never treated me any different from my siblings, and are great. Monday I went home and was immediately swarmed by my crying sister and hugged me saying where was I this weekend. I cried and hugged her telling her I promise I would tell her later(I wanted to have my parents with me to help explain). My brother just gave me the up chin thing because apparently he is tool cool to hug his sister, so I chased him and hugged him anyways. Mom got home from work first and immediately came to me and put be in a vice hug, saying she was worried. Dad did the same when he got home. So we decided to finally have the talk, and they brought my siblings in. They told them the entire story of what happened with my biological parents and how Dad decided to keep me. When he met my Mom she reaffirmed she fell in love with me. Thy told me they feel no different about me than my siblings. There was a short silence until my brother said I am still the annoying big sister who picked on him, nothing really changed. I started crying again and force hugged him again. After a mushy point of everyone reaffirming, I told my parents I really didn't want to go over there. I had told my Mom on the phone that my grandmother had told me, but I didn't say how. So I told them exactly how she told me. I had never seen an anger in my Mom's eyes like that, not even when they had to bail me out of jail at 16. She got up and told my Dad she wanted to speak to him in the other room. Mostly it was muffled but their voices were getting angry. Finally my Mom yelled that she was not having Christmas Dinner with the bitch who hurt her baby. After a few more minutes of angry talk they came back. Mom said that we were going to have an immediate family only Christmas Dinner this year and we would see about visits to grandma's in the future. I could tell Dad was upset over this, but he never had any real control over our family before. So I feel relieved not having to go there for Christmas. I don't really know if I want to see her again. I loved her, but I guess it was not mutual, which hurts. Anyways, thank you everyone who made me realize that they were always my parents and will be, even if I don't share their DNA. tl;dr: Went back home, parents relieved I am okay, had long talk, not going to grandma's for dinner FINAL COMMENTS punkpixz It's great your parents and siblings all support each other and you about this and that they seem to know what family really means. But I am curious about your one line.... "I could tell Dad was upset over this, but he never had any real control over our family before" What exactly does this mean? OOP Mom has always worn the pants of the family. Her decision is usually the final one, Dad always just let her make decisions. I felt he was upset we were not going to his mother's this Christmas, but Mom's word was final THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

For those who don't know, it's a huge trend in East Asia right now to buy a black baby doll with red lips and basically use them as stress ball or torture them for fun. I've seen videos on Rednote and tiktok where these dolls are steamrolled, filled up with water, or made "beautiful" by painting her white and giving her pretty makeup (this was actually seen as a counter abuse movement somehow), but sometimes they intentionally do it badly for laughs. Sometimes they put Natasha into Zulu style animal print clothes and feed her watermelon, and if she's not just used for stereotypes, she's a prop for memes. Why did they choose to abuse a black baby, specifically a little black girl? Why is their "subversive" idea of humanizing her making her a pale skinned douyin makeup model? I'm happy some Chinese natives are calling out the trend, but it doesn't even begin to counteract the popularity of what's essentially a torture doll. submitted by /u/Zestyclose-Ideal2395 to r/hatethissmug [link] [comments]

I’m in angst. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. Everything just feels so surreal right now. My wife and I have been together for the last 35 years. We married young and had our daughter around 10 years later. I still remember the day she had to be taken to the hospital. I was at work when her water broke, but instead of calling and demanding I get there as soon as possible, she told me that it was best I wait and that she was doing completely fine. I told her she was crazy if she thought I wasn’t gonna be there for the birth of my child, but she started screaming at me to stay where I was. I just chalked it up to birth hormones. I finished out the day, and as soon as I clocked out, I was flying to the hospital. It was a venture that proved fruitless, as when I arrived, my wife was nowhere to be found. And in the chaos of the busy hospital, my panic grew more and more until my pager started beeping. It was my wife’s number, and in a confused hurry, I found the nearest phone to take her call. She was already home, asking me where I had been. After a little back and forth about the sheer audacity of that statement, I got in my car and drove home as quickly as I could. When I got there, I found her curled up in her chair in the living room, cradling our baby and looking both exhausted and completely drained. Under normal circumstances, this should’ve been one of the happiest moments of my life. But, really, all I felt was confusion. Why? Because we were scheduled to have a baby boy for her entire pregnancy. That’s what the doctors kept telling us. Her explanation was that there had been some kind of mistake with the paperwork. Pretty expensive mistake, I guess, because we had spent hundreds on clothes and toys for a boy. I still allowed myself to feel happy. I mean, I was a new father. I’d waited 9 months for this moment. I wasn’t gonna let some paperwork issue rain on my parade. Besides, her mom seemed in no mood to argue. I spent the entire first night back home curled up in bed with my wife and our baby girl. I soothed them to sleep in each other’s arms. I rubbed my wife’s back. I held the baby when she cried. It was the start of our new life. From that moment on, I worked my ass off to give them a decent life. Kept food on the table, kept the lights on in the house. I’d even save up every month for big gifts like jewelry and swing sets. Watching my daughter grow up was one of the most magical experiences of my life. Watching her go from her first steps to her first day of school. Seeing her grow into a blossoming young woman and eventually walking across the stage for her high school graduation. It was weird, though. Nobody ever said we looked alike. Nobody ever said she and her mom even looked alike. And, if I’m being honest, I thought the same thing, but it didn’t change how I loved her. But, unfortunately, every fairy tale must come to an end, and ours ended with her mom being diagnosed with cancer. Those were some of the most difficult years of my life. Watching the woman I love lose her appetite. Lose her hair. Lose her life. It broke something within me. I was by her side every day, right there with my daughter. However, on the day we lost her, my daughter had been in class at the state university a hundred miles away, and I was all alone, watching the world crumble before my very eyes. In those last moments, she looked at me with the same love she had back when we first met. Only this time, it was more reminiscent. More sad. Like she was realizing that everything was coming to an end. And that’s when her face changed. Her smile faded. Her forehead creased. She started sobbing. The words she spoke next are what have sent me over the edge. I’ve been questioning our relationship, our life, and everything in between ever since. I want to say I was lost, but, truthfully, it made everything make sense. Because according to my wife: Our son died at birth after some complications. I guess something snapped in her mind when she was told that her baby didn’t make it. Instead of accepting, she rejected. My daughter was stolen. And I still haven’t found the heart to tell her. submitted by /u/donavin221 to r/story [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Product Originally posted to r/relationship_advice My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her? Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: grief, depression Original Post: May 24, 2026 My wife and I have been together for almost 4 years, and married for a year. She's 16 weeks pregnant with our first baby. Since becoming pregnant, she seems to have become sort of fixated on her deceased first husband and I don't know how to talk about this with her without hurting her or making it sound like I'm jealous of a dead guy. Her first husband died in a motorcycle accident in late 2020. He was only 34. They had been trying for a baby at the time. She wasn't looking for a relationship when we started dating. She lived around the corner from my parents and walked her dog every morning and every night. My parents became friendly with her and decided that they should play matchmaker after I made a comment about thinking she was really cute when I was over at their house one day and saw her walking her dog. She was really open with me about everything that had happened with her first husband. I understood that it was a huge part of her life and never expected her to erase that part of her history or pretend like he never existed. He has come up occasionally, but not constantly. It seemed normal to me. Something has changed since she got pregnant. At least, I think it's only been happening since then. I've noticed her frequently looking at old pictures of him on her phone, looking him up online, and just sitting here looking at the street view of the house they used to share. She's bringing him up a lot more often, just making a lot of offhanded comments about things they did together. This week she asked if we could use his name for our baby's middle name. We are probably not going to find out if it's a boy or girl until they're born, but his name was unisex so could go either way. She said she knows not the first name, like she's really prefer to ask for that but knows that'd be going too far. I told her I'd have to think about it, but inside my initial reaction was absolutely not. I genuinely feel terrible for this guy. He honestly sounds like somebody I'd like to hang out with. What happened to him is unfair. I guess I should be happy because I'm alive, I have a wife I love, we're starting a family, and this poor guy isn't going to have any of that. So, is it really a big deal if I let her use his name? It's just weird and sort of hurtful for me though. This should be a happy time for us, but for some reason she's being pulled back into all of her memories of him. I want to bring it up to her. I don't think she realizes I've seen what she's been looking at on her phone every day. I've not been snooping. When she's sitting so that I can see her phone when she's using it, it's hard to miss what she's looking at. She's been extremely emotional for the past 4 months, so I'm worried that bringing this up won't go over well and I don't want to upset her. I also don't want to come across as an insecure jerk who is jealous of a dead man. How can I bring all of this up with her in the most sensitive way possible while also not just giving in to this whole name thing just because I feel bad? Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I'm sorry you're going through this. I do not say this to imply your relationship is on the rocks, but rather because it's quite likely to help. You need couples therapy and she may need grief therapy. There is a good chance your wife wrote off ever being able to have a baby when her first husband died, and then, when she got pregnant with you, she feels like she did the thing she tried to do for him as well. Dating after loss is different, because you aren't, or at least shouldn't be, expected to stop loving the one you lost. It can be a difficult thing for the new person, and I don't think she's trying to make you uncomfortable, but this is an incredibly emotional time in both your lives. OOP: Yeah I don't think she's trying to make me uncomfortable either. When we were dating it was acknowledged by both of us that neither of us has done this before. She hadn't dated anyone else after he died and I've never dated anyone who had her previous partner die. After a while maybe I just felt like we had navigated it and it's not really something that I ever think about now. Commenter 2: Grief is different for everyone. Maybe getting pregnant triggered thoughts of the ex, and the baby they'll never have now that he's gone. She could have hormones making her extra emotional, too. I would be supportive and patient, and allow some time for her to process what could be 'what might have been" thoughts. Maybe gently offer if she might want to talk to someone neutral to help her with this? OOP: I agree with you. I understand why it might have triggered something, but at the same time I guess there's part of me that's wondering if she's really wishing she was doing all of this with him. I don't feel insecure about her previous relationship, but doesn't make me feel great when I find myself wondering if she had to pick, would she pick him? That's how her staring at pictures of him every day is making me feel. OOP on if this was the first time his wife feels like she betraying her late husband OOP: This isn't the first time we've encountered something together where she feels like she's betraying him. Somehow that was easier for me to deal with. Sex was a big thing because she hadn't been with anyone else after him and she was honest about feeling like she'd be cheating on him, so that had to go very slow for her. It wasn't so difficult to be respectful of that and be patient, but then again it was much earlier in our relationship. Is OOP feeling insecure about his relationship with his wife due to her thoughts about her last husband? OOP: In general I don't feel insecure about our relationship. I'm only human though and I don't know of many people who might not feel a little hurt to see their wife suddenly constantly staring at pictures of her former husband who died and bringing him up in the majority of conversations. So yeah, I've had thoughts where I've wondered if she's really wishing she was going this with him instead. I'm not acting on those feelings or holding anything against her. I'm not upset at her about it. I don't doubt that she loves me. I'm worried about her. And yeah, I want us to be happy together right now. I don't want her grief overshadowing this whole experience for us, and maybe that's selfish. I won't try to tell her how to feel or tell her she can't be sad. I think sometimes you can't really help how you feel, but just depends how you act on it. If I tried to make her stop bringing him up or stop looking at him, then that'd be another issue. Commenter 3: While I don’t think the child should have this guy’s name even as a middle what is going on is totally expected given her situation. She was trying to get pregnant when her late husband had his accident so of course now that she’s pregnant those memories and feelings will come back tenfold. Plus those pregnancy hormones are no joke. Has she been through grief therapy before? If not, I highly suggest she start and it can’t hurt for you both to do some couples therapy as well. OOP: No, she won't go to any sort of therapy. OOP on his wife's history with her late husband OOP: They were together 8 years, but knew each other since they were kids. She told me she waited 10 years for him to finally notice her in the way she wanted him to notice her, so he was like her childhood crush. I can't compete with that. It doesn't matter if he was alive or not, we just have a different history. Commenter 4: Question: what grief help did she receive after the passing of her husband? He died late 2020 and started dating you about 2ish years later? I’m not saying she moved on quickly because I’ve seen people successfully maneuver new relationships a variety of years after a passing of a significant other. But since they had been trying to have a baby when he passed, it’s likely the pregnancy triggered a lot of emotions. I also find her parents intervention to find her a new romance concerning since she hasn’t been necessarily ready. I have other concerns related to this, but we’ll focus on the major issue at hand. Working through the pregnancy and what it may trigger related to her deceased husband. Be honest and say: I realize you and your husband had planned to have kids at the time of his passing, and I want to see how the pregnancy is impacting you emotionally. You asking to use his name as the middle name of our child made me want to talk about this more. Before we talk too much about this, it may be helpful to talk with your ob-gynecologist about your feelings to get guidance from them on if maybe you should talk to a grief counselor or if we should talk to a couples counselor about this. The naming request is a lot for me to understand, and I would love some help to talk through this with you. Try to keep it as nonjudgmental as possible. Try to keep in focused on hearing each other, maybe after one or both of you talk to someone else to help you put your thoughts into constructive words. Try to keep it empathetic. Good luck. You sound like you’re being truly patient and loving. I don’t think your wife is being mean either. She’s just feeling all the feelings. OOP: She didn't get any professional help. She's very resistant to it. I've never tried to push her to do it and on the outside she seemed to be handling it ok. I've let her know that it's okay to go to therapy, just tried to get rid of some sort of stigma she seems to feel about it. I think that comes from her family. Her parent's didn't intervene to find her a new relationship. It was my parents that did, but they didn't know what had happened to her. After he died, she ended up selling their house because it was too sad for her being there alone and she couldn't afford the mortgage all on her own. She bought a smaller house on her own, and that house happened to be around the corner from my parents' house. She walked her dog twice a day, every day, and she'd pass my parents’ house each time. My parents are retired and the type of people that want to strike up a conversation with everyone, so they became friendly with her, and she'd usually stop and talk to them for a few minutes on her walks if they were outside. I made no secret them that I thought she and her little dog were really cute, so my parents decided to get involved set us up to have to talk to each other one day. She didn't tell them about what had brought her to live there and if they'd known that they probably wouldn't have decided to get involved. She said she wasn't looking to date anyone, and I didn't force her to get involved with me. It went extremely slow in the beginning because we had to go at her pace and I respected that. I don't regret not removing myself from the situation, but maybe it was way too soon for her, and I should have just not perused anything.   Update: May 26, 2026 (two days later) Update - My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her? I’m posting a quick update post because I’m continuing to get new comments and advice on my original post, but the conversation I was seeking advice for has already sort of come to a head with my wife. I appreciate the comments and the advice that was given and I think it helped prepare me for what came next yesterday evening. We originally had several parties to go to on Memorial Day, but yesterday morning she told me she didn’t feel up to going. I realized it was probably the best segway I was going to get in asking her about what’s going on. So I asked her what’s wrong, what’s going on, and to please talk to me. She said nothing was wrong and she just didn’t want to go anywhere, she didn’t want to get dressed, and she wanted to stay home in bed all day. She switched the topic to her bump and how excited she is that it’s suddenly popped out, and she really looks pregnant now. It looked flat forever and she’s been anxiously waiting for there to be something there, and it really seems like overnight it’s become very obvious and she can’t get over it. I don’t like calling it a bump but what else is there to call it? I don’t know, bump sounds gross to me and not like a word an adult man should be saying. Anyway, she said she just wanted it to be us that day and she wanted to cuddle in bed and have sex all day. That’s literally what she said. So much for me getting her to talk about how she’s been feeling. She does that when she’s uncomfortable with a topic somebody’s brought up. She switches topics to something happy and cheerful. But she genuinely seemed happy and it was sort of a hard offer to turn down so I decided not to push her because I know her well enough to know it won’t work. Later in the afternoon she decided to get up and take a shower. When she got out she told me she didn’t want me to be mad, but she really felt like she wanted to go over to her former husband’s parents’ house to tell them about the baby. She felt like she should tell them in person and like it was just something she needed to do. We hadn’t talked about him or the name or anything that day but obviously this has been on her mind and maybe she was feeling guilt about how his family might feel. I’ve met his parents. They’re super cool. Well his dad’s a little scary and threatened to kill me if I hurt her but you can tell they genuinely love her and she’s part of that family. I asked her if she wanted me to come with her. I wasn’t trying to force myself into the situation but wanted to offer just in case she wanted my support. I didn’t felt like I needed to be there. She said she just wanted to go alone, and I was fine with that. She was gone for several hours. When she came home her face and eyes were all red and puffy and as soon as she walked in the door she hugged me and just started sobbing and apologizing and saying she was so sorry, this isn’t fair to me, she doesn’t want to hurt me, but she misses him so bad right now and she can’t stop thinking about him doesn’t know why. I told her I know that I noticed and it’s ok. I can’t pretend to fully understand it because I’m not her and I’ve never been in her position. I felt like she wanted to talk but didn’t want to say too much to me because she didn’t want to hurt me. I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened at his parents’ house. She said both of his parents were so happy for her/us, they both cried, she cried about how much she missed him and that they were saying really nice things about me. She said she just had to feel close to him and she can’t imagine how horrible that is for me to hear. She gave most of his stuff to his parents once we moved in together. I didn’t make her give away his belongings. She held onto everything after he died, literally anything and everything, and it would have been awkward living amongst all his things. I mean, she still had his 3 motorcycles, including the one he died on, sitting in her garage at that time. So, I’m not just talking some little momentos or clothes. She said she was ready to release those things at the time. She gave the motorcycles to his parents because they had the room to store them and his dad rides so they wouldn’t just waste away. That was something special between him and his dad, so she knew they’d be taken care of. She told me she asked to see his bikes when she was over at his parents’ house, because that was like his second greatest love and they were custom made and everything. She started sobbing all over again telling me they got rid of the one he died on. She wishes they would have told her. It was too hard for them to see it every day, and it wasn’t operable, so they kept the other 2 but got rid of that one, she just sat sobbing saying it wasn’t fair that they didn’t tell her and wanted it. She doesn’t ride motorcycles btw. But she was already online trying to track it down and talking about buying it back. It feels a little unhealthy to me here. His parents live in the same little neighborhood where the house they owned together was. So she said she drove by there, then she drove to where he died, which was only 5 minutes away from their house. I generally don’t try to impose on her grief or tell her how she should handle things. Honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her cry like this over it and rarely have I ever felt like what she’s saying or doing is at a level of concern. But this time I really felt like she was just torturing herself and it didn’t really seem healthy. Literally searching online to see if she could find his bike, revisiting where he died. Idk know because I admit I’ve never lost anyone remotely that close to me before. The whole time she’s crying about this she’s saying she’s a horrible wife and she understands if I want to leave her, she doesn’t know why this is happening. All she can think about is his death. I told her maybe she should try thinking about positive things, even going somewhere that has some sort of positive connotation rather than where he died. I’m not leaving her over this, and I feel so bad that she’s seriously worried I’d leave her because of this, and when she’s pregnant with my kid of all times. I’m a little too committed now to back out. I accepted this, and was aware of it and accepted it multiple times as our relationship progressed. There were multiple points when I could have backed out, and I let her know all this. But I was also honest and let her know that I also hope that we can get through this so we can enjoy this experience together and that if there’s anything I can do to please let me help her. Not get over it, but get through it and be able to be happy. At this point, what more can I do? I think I just need to continue to focus on the positive things that we’re doing together and hope that she’ll engage in those things with me and that her grief doesn’t swallow her up. I’ve made her aware that I’m here if she wants to talk. I doubt that makes her feel any less guilty for whatever thoughts she’s having, but how else can I show her that I mean it? I think this maybe just something we need to ride out. I’m scared I’ll push her away if I start trying to demand she goes to grief counseling. It’s probably be good for her, but I know her and how she reacts to that type of stuff. I don’t think I’ll bring up the name thing anytime soon, but I’m going to try to find it in myself to let her use the name if it’ll really mean that much to her. I won’t promise it right now, but I realize maybe I am being selfish with that one. At least it’s not a name that I hate. Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I know people say it a lot, but this is where therapy could really help. OOP: I know, but she’s really resistant to it. I don’t think trying to force her would do any good right now and would only stress her out more. Commenter 2: You are going to get to a point where it's therapy or your new family and ignoring it sucks. Getting it now prevents her from robbing from herself the experience she's having now and the baby she's having now and who she's having it with. OOP (downvoted): There have been other times where she’s had a hard time dealing with what happened and she got through it. It’s never been this bad as far as I’m aware. OOP on his wife needing to receive proper care to help with moving forward OOP: She’s not anti-medicine, just anti therapy. Well she’s not against other people seeking therapy, she just refuses to accept it could be good for her. + OOP: I don’t really believe that grief counseling is a must for everyone who experiences loss. Honestly, she seemed to be handling it in a way that I guess I’d expect somebody to. It obviously affected her and there were certain times in our relationship where it was a lot heavier for her than others, but she seemed to be doing pretty well. It’s not like I’ve done this before either. I was probably naive about everything I was walking into, and I guess still am to a large degree. Commenter 3: How long ago did her husband die? OOP: About 5.5 years ago. Commenter 4: This is way above your and reddits pay grade. She needs therapy. It will only get worse when the baby gets here - in the form of PPD or PPA. OOP: I’m not expecting professional level advice here really. I don’t think it’s at the point where I need to or should try to force her to get therapy. Many people have suggested it to her. She’s really resistant to it. I think it could get to that point but not yet. Commenter 5: What’s the plan for when baby is born and she isn’t mentally well enough to handle caring for baby round the clock? Do you have ample paternity leave, at least 2 months’ worth? Will she be staying home alone with baby, or will baby be going to daycare? If she refuses to get help, you need to start putting safeguards in place now to make sure baby is taken care of just in case things go downhill fast. OOP: I have 24 total weeks of leave I can take. OOP on if his wife could go to the grave to help with grieving OOP: It’d probably help if there was a grave to go to. His ashes actually live inside her dresser drawer. Commenter 6: Also living in the same house I’m assuming? Living close to his parents, trying to help her find the motorcycle he was killed on, all bad ideas. Therapy and a new home always from the deceased parents, would help her more than anything. That doesn’t mean she can never see her ex in laws, but the fact is they two are trying to recuperate. They two are trying to get past losing their son and when she comes over or they come to your house then all this comes up again and so then everybody’s crying and upset and then they start all over again and that’s not good. It’s better to move away a little bit. You don’t have to move. You know 100 miles or anything but just a little bit enough that she just doesn’t wanna just run over there every time she’s feeling bad. I don’t know how long you neglected to put how long her husband has been dead that has a big bearing on her recovery from his death. If you can let us know how long he’s been deceased. OOP: We don’t live in the house they shared. I don’t think I’d ever want to do that. She had already sold the house when I met her. She couldn’t afford the mortgage on her own. She bought a smaller house near where my parents live, which is how we met. We lived separately and then when we got engaged I ended up moving out of my place and moving into her house so we could fix it up together to sell. We bought a new house together. It’s all in the same city, but we’re in a different area than where she lived with her first husband. It’s about a 20 minute drive away, so she doesn’t have to pass the spot where he died on a regular basis or anything. We’re both from here and we looked at other towns nearby, but we prefer the city we’re from. Commenter 7: Damn dude, I am proud to share a gender with a class act like you. Take care of yourself, but I now will be pumping the breaks on actively being MORE ok with dating and marrying a widow verses...doesn't even matter, but I never imagined a situation could blossom like yours and my heart goes out to you. OOP: The thing is, it hasn’t been like this for our entire relationship. He’s come up, certain things have been sort of triggering for her, but usually she tells me and it’s not at this level. The topic of our wedding and wedding day was difficult for her. But she didn’t have this huge breakdown. She was up front that as much as she was excited for us to get married, part of her felt weird getting married again because he first marriage didn’t end in a traditional way. She was honest that she didn’t know if she wanted this huge wedding, but she understood if I wanted something bigger because it was my wedding too. I understood and I didn’t really care about having this lavish thing. I just wanted our friends and family there and for everyone to have fun, not this big spectacle. We planned it just how we wanted it and so many people told us it’s the most fun wedding they’ve been to. We worked through those things that were difficult for her and we both compromised. It’s not like her history isn’t there, but it’s just never been like this before.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]