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I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/ThrowRAguy1993. Trigger Warnings: Infidelity. I (26M) found out my fiance (27F) possibly gave a stripper a handjob at her bachelorette party, Posted November 29th, 2019. I deleted my earlier post because I was so messed up about it at the time I realized it wasn't healthy to have a conversation about it yet. I made that post right after the guy called me in an attempt to cope but it didn't work. My thoughts were getting too dark and I needed to completely separate myself from the situation for safety. After holing myself up at my parents place and surrounding myself with people I could trust, my head is back on straight and I'll fill in those who asked for an update. A quick recap for those who didn't see my original post. I will refer to my fiance as Jane. One of the bridesmaids husbands contacted me and told me he had seen something that made him suspect Jane had been sexual with a stripper at her bachelorette party. ANY sex or romantic kissing outside that relationship was a complete deal breaker that was established when the relationship had begun. When I asked him for details, he indicated a handjob in a roundabout way. When I asked if he could be mistaken or misinterpreting a text or overheard conversation, he kept insisting he was 100% sure. I personally know the bridesmaid, I think she was feeling guilty and she was using her husband as some sort of a proxy informant to keep my girlfriend from coming after her when I confronted her. When I got off the phone with the guy, I was so destroyed about it I just shut down. I had just had my own sort of non-bachelor-party party at home playing WOW Classic with some friends. So to hear this news after such a wonderful day hit extra hard. My cousin who has been friends with Jane since childhood went to the party with her, so I decided to try to calm down and wait until the next day to ask her if she saw anything. At this point I was still hoping this was some sort of misunderstanding or mean prank. Jane didn't live with me, and she was planning on staying the night at her parents home so I knew she wouldn't show up unannounced. I basically laid in bed all night staring at the dark ceiling, listening to The Doors and Opeth, trying not to lose my mind. I waited until noon the next day to call my cousin. I wasn't able to get through the first 5 times I called, red alarms going off like crazy now. So when I suspected she was avoiding me, I went over to my parents place and used my dads office line. When she finally answered the phone and realized it was me, the somber tone in the voice of a normally annoyingly upbeat 23 year old party girl, pretty much told me everything I needed. Me: I heard things got a little crazier than usual last night. Her: Yeah... Me: I think you already know why I'm calling don't you? Her: Yes... (obviously holding back tears at this point) Basically long and weeping cousin story short; I found out Jane did indeed give a stripper a hand job, along with several other women, some of whom are in LTR's or married. That they then decided to leave the house they were at and drive intoxicated to the strip club afterwards where Jane and a few other women had "private" dances. My cousin tried to argue that this doesn't mean Jane doesn't love me, and it was just meaningless fun that got out of hand. This fucking infuriated me, I didn't shout at her, but I told her if that's what she thinks, she has no idea what love actually is. At this point I informed my parents and brothers what was going on, and of course my mother starts crying. Another person hurt by this stupid bullshit. I spent the rest of the day laying in bed at my parents house staring at the ceiling ignoring Janes calls and texts. I know some people have more open relationships and can get past this stuff, but I'm just not that guy. I'm monogamous all the way to the center. I eventually cancelled everything and lost a bunch of deposits. I know it's a bitch move but I broke up with Jane over text. I decided it was best to just walk away clean with no serious confrontation. There was nothing to gain by shouting, arguing, making accusations and calling her names. When people are cornered like this when they do something wrong they can lash out and I didn't want to have the woman I was about to marry say horrible shit to me in some sort of defense of her behavior. I am fucking heartbroken and feel betrayed and that kind of shit isn't going to help. I just sent her a text explaining I know what she did. I explained I don't want revenge, I'm not interested in humiliating her or her friends and spreading it around, but it is a sure sign that we aren't right for each other and it is over with no possibility of reconciliation. I waited until she responded once to make sure she got the text and have blocked her on my phone and all social media. I gave the crap she had at my place to my cousin to give back to her and I haven't heard anything from her or her family since. I still feel like hammered dog shit, but I am doing better as far as not feeling like a blackhole is sucking me inside out. But this wasn't like the breakups I had in highschool and college. Something broke inside me this time that can't be repaired like before. My confidence is completely destroyed in my body now. I keep thinking what it was about the stripper guy that is so incredible that he could make seemingly faithful woman cheat and potentially throwaway everything. Was it bigger muscles, bigger dick, better looks, better personality? I'm not a super model, but I'm decent. I don't act like a bitch or a pussy. Or am I just stupid? I was 100% sure of this girl, yet I got cheated on right before our wedding. This kind of crap really take a mans soul grinds it up, eats it and shits it back out. First update on the same post: Someone from her camp finally contacted me. Her stepdad called me tonight to ask what was going on and if there's anyway to fix things. I didn't give him any details, I just explained that Jane stepped outside the bounds of forgivable behavior in our relationship, and there's absolutely no way to salvage things, and any time spent trying by any party is time wasted that would be better spent moving on. When I said that I could tell he understood what it meant and basically what happened. He's a pretty laid back old-school Hispanic dude, said he's sorry things didn't work out, and wished me well. Wasn't super close with the guy, but I will miss hanging out in his garage shooting the shit about motorcycles and stuff. Second update on the same post: I just got done talking to the bridesmaids husband again who first called me and let me know what was going on. I don't know him, but I am a friendly acquaintance with his wife. Apparently what happened is his wife became extremely uncomfortable when the some of the women started grabbing and stroking the strippers dick, and she left and went home. When he asked her why she came home early she got upset and spilled the beans. More than likely to protect her own marriage if it got out, I would guess. Anyway, dude made a moral call and decided the husbands and boyfriends of the women had a right to know how their significant others were acting when they weren't around, and he made his wife give him all the contact info she had. Seriously, I owe this guy so much. Had I found out about this a few years down the line, the end of the relationship would have been so much worse. His wife still won't talk to me, but It doesn't matter now. I told the dude when things settle down I'm going to take him out and buy him every beer in the bar. Had this dude not had the moral fortitude to make the call, I may have never known. Relevant Comments: Deleted Account: Firstly, Although you are in incredible pain, you seem very strong. I don't know how I would do in a situation like this. Certainly worse than you. I am sorry you are going through this. I'd have a lot of questions for her. I am not sure if you went through that process, but I would inquire specifically on time, amount of touching, did he finish etc. (like did she just touch it and stroke it for like 5 seconds while everyone was laughing etc). I know you have mentioned that you are 100 % monogamous to the bone, and that this crossed the line and it's over, but I guess I am just trying to rationalize because I am not as strong and wouldn't want to break up. That being said, good for you for standing your ground. Keeping to your morals and cutting her out of your life. You seem like a good man and you will recover and likely come back stronger and find someone better. Do you workout? Get fit, strong, muscular and that will help with mental health and physical confidence. OP: I actually went through that phase wanting to know the details at first, but after talking to my cousin, it just made me sick to think about, and it was at that moment I decided the only option for me was minimal contact. It's hard to describe but when that guy first called me and told me, I felt like part of me was dying. It scared me a bit and I didn't want to make it worse. So I opted to walk away like I did. I do exercise.   DELETED COMMENT. OP: They were all just half incoherent walls of text begging to talk in person, how sorry she was, not to over-react and that I'm the only one she loves   Deleted Account: It's not that unusual to be perfectly honest with you - worse happens at hens parties than most bachelor parties it seems though the drunken sailors analogy is pretty apt. As she is friends with your now ex, avoiding your cousin will pretty much become a necessity from this point on - unless that is you want to be regaled with stories about how your ex's life has been ruined/how remorseful she is/how much she misses you/how much she messed up, etc, etc, etc. No one needs to know that shit so it's best just to disengage and move off in a different direction with your life. I hope you cutting the ex out of your life works well and that there will be little to no chance of ever running into each other again. That would be awkward. OP: Thanks. She will be going to a graduate school out of state so that should minimize things.   DELETED COMMENT. OP: Thankfully I won't have to be the bearer of that bad news 10x over. My cousin was completely unwilling to name any of the other women when I asked, but it doesn't matter because I wasn't the only one the bridesmaids husband contacted. At this point it will organically get around and everyone will have to deal with the situation as they see fit. Deleted Account: The sad part is that knowing that the friend that confessed what was happening to her husband left right as it started happening from what I understand. I bet it got a lot worse. I read on the other day where the stripper put whip cream on his dick and the Bachelorette went to lick it off but then just kept sucking him off until he came all over her face and shirt. She then looked up and realized everyone had their phones out and she started crying and screaming for everyone to delete pics or videos. It was too late and her fiance was getting texts of pics and videos. Imagine how fucked up that would be. OP: I suspect eventually it will come out, as the whole situation has blown up because of the husband calling everyone's SO's. At this point I don't care though. Her just stroking the guys junk was enough for me to end it at that point. Anything that happened afterwards happened after the end of the relationship. u/EasternFlare: If You will know what happened with other women - give us info. OP: It will probably be a long time before I ever hear anything. The only 3 women I know for sure who went were my ex, my cousin and the bridesmaid who's husband called me. I'm never talking to my ex again unless it's some crazy life and death necessity. The bridesmaid won't talk to me, because I think she's having a bit of an emotional crisis of her own. And my cousin outright refused to tell me any personal details of anyone else, or any details of what happened when they got to the strip club. She'll be going to a graduate school out of town pretty soon, and she's always been the kind to dodge responsibility and consequences, so she'll probably just skip town and let time smooth everything over. Honestly, at this point after calming down myself, I just feel bad for the women's families because the only thing I know about any of the women are that some are married or are in LTRs and some have kids.   u/slavicslothe: I understand why you left and I'm sorry you're going through this. You mention wondering what the stripper had that you didn't, the answer is 100 percent nothing. They were drunk, partying, and people do stupid stuff. That's all. Don't overthink it, it doesn't say anything about you. All it says is that she lacked self control or didn't full respect/understand your boundries. OP: Here's what a gullible dumb-ass I am though... I actually decided to have my little WOW party at home because I wanted to save money for the wedding, but mainly because I thought guys are the crazy ones at bachelor parties. I didn't want my friends trying to be smartasses and surprise me with a stripper and causing drama for myself or anyone else. Ha.   Deleted Account: For a hand job? What a stupid thing to cheat for. The lamest of all sex acts. Dumped over a handy. OP: From how upset my cousin was I think a lot more happened when they went to the strip club and had their so called "private" dances. I tried to get her to tell me what happened but she refused so I assume the worst.   u/b761962 (This comment has been downvoted.): I’m sorry this happened to you. Just curious had she just had some lap dances and a drinking with no real sexual contact, would you be getting married? OP: I had a feeling they were going to have a male dancer show up. That would not have bothered me much. Just a bunch of silly girls hooting and hollering putting some cash in a g string, creating a fun memory that they can talk about over coffee and tease their husbands about when they are older. But considering her reserved personality, AND the fact that we both agreed cheating was the deal breaker, I never dreamed they'd hire a stripper who gets sexual with the women. That was the bridge too far. From what I understand most of the guys who strip and are willing to get sexual with the women are also male escorts. Sex workers are more likely to carry STD's and the fact she would possibly expose me to that without my consent shows a serious emotional problem I didn't realize was there.   DELETED COMMENT. OP: Thanks. My ex was a very modest woman, with a reserved personality, or so I thought. She works in an office doing paper work for fucks sake. Claims processors aren't exactly know to be hell raisers. I never thought she was this repressed deep down, but somehow being an environment like that brought out a side of her I'm just not compatible with. What fucked with me just as hard is hearing my cousin try to rationalize and minimize it by telling me it was OK because most of the women were doing it. Hearing that shit makes me feel super gun-shy of women now. DELETED COMMENT. OP: Still shook that I just lost a years long relationship for something so stupid. But very glad it's not years down the line with kids in tow that I find out. Most of the people I know with histories of doing crazy shit like this and hiding it from their partners later cheated like a mother fucker in the relationship. So I am glad I dodged that. FINAL UPDATE : I (26M) found out my fiance (27F) possibly gave a stripper a handjob at her bachelorette party, Posted December 5th, 2019. I deleted the original post, but put a recap in the original update. It's been 10 days since I received the call that ended this relationship. I'm almost back to normal, although I can't quite shake a bit of malaise. Thankfully I had a few days worth of PTO to burn while I worked past this crap. I already scheduled my 2 weeks vacation this year for the wedding, but since it's canceled I'll just spend it with the family and have a very extended Christmas with them. Outside of a few texts from Jane to my mother when things first blew up and her mother calling the next day after I talked to Janes stepfather, I haven't heard a peep from their clan since. Janes mom tried to act as a mediator between us, but I shut that shit down and told her it's not possible. She can be a bit pushy, but thankfully she realized it wasn't wise to push this time. I finally got to talk to the bridesmaid who's husband called me. She didn't offer any more details and I didn't care to ask for any more by the time I talked to her. She just called me when she felt comfortable enough to wish me well and tell me she was sorry for what happened. She's a very nice lady and I feel bad for her because she works with quite a few of those women, and I don't envy how they are going to treat her at work. I asked her and thankfully none of them have any managerial authority over her, but it still sucks to ostracized. As far as any of the other women, I haven't heard a thing, and my cousin has done a vanishing act. My mom took care of cancelling all the wedding invitations as she was the one who helped send them all out. I asked her to just tell everyone that Jane and I had a change of heart about getting married and decided to put things off for the time being. Frankly I'm fucking embarrassed about what happened and don't really want to be known among family and friends and people in town as that guy who's ex-fiance jacked off and possibly screwed a stripper right before their wedding. I'm sure it will eventually get around, but if I let it fade like this it will be more of a crazy rumor than confirmed fact for most people. I really just want to walk away with as little drama as possible and move on with my life. I've asked my mother to text Janes mom to get the engagement ring back. Hopefully she won't give me any trouble as they were expensive and buddy of mine is willing to buy the ring set for exactly what I paid for them for his wedding in a few months. I told him he'd better not tell his girlfriend where he got them just in case she's worried my ex was wearing the ring when she was handling stripper guys joystick. I lost thousands in deposits for the venue, DJ, florist, catering, security, plane tickets, honeymoon suite, etc etc etc... I'm hoping I can recoup a little money by selling the rings. Anyway, I've decided to stay away from LTR's for an indefinite amount of time. This experience has made me very gun shy about "love" and relationships and all that mess. People have sent me all kinds of of encouraging messages claiming I'll eventually find "the one". I'm doing my best not to be overly pessimistic, but when looking at the divorce rates and all the crazy conflicts between men and women these days, I'm starting to think the chances for anyone to do that are getting lower with each passing year. And I'm not the kind of guy who gets over stuff like this by running out and dating some other woman to sport hump right afterwards. So I think I'll just stay single for now, and focus on my passions and work. Anyway, thanks to everyone who gave encouragement. If anyone else goes through something heartbreaking like this, I highly recommend you you stay with family and or close friends you have a good relationship with. I can't overstate how much this helped, especially if you are a guy. Men don't really maintain a circle of support for stuff like this, like many women do, and you can find yourself isolated and descending further into a bad place without positive reinforcement around you. I was able to lay on my childhood bed, in my childhood room, in my childhood home surrounded by good memories, having my mom come in and bring me tea and food and say sweet encouraging things about how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. I was able to shit talk with my dad and brothers to distract myself. It helped a lot. Best of luck everyone. Thanks. Relevant Comments: Deleted Account: This is a really shit situation but you made the right call. If the genders were reversed, your ex's friends would be telling her to leave you. This is why everyone from her side is so quiet, they know she fucked up in an unrecoverable way. Absolutely focus on yourself right now but don't write of LTR's forever. There are plenty of women who realize tossing off a stripper at their own hen do is a bad idea. OP: I've actually come terms with the likelihood that I am going to lose a lot of mutual friends we made after we began seeing each other. DELETED COMMENT. Nothing from ex's side. Still haven't responded to my mothers texts asking for the ring back. My only sources of info about what happened are the bridesmaid and my cousin and neither are willing to give any more information than they have. But I now strongly suspect that some of the women did more than hand-jobs when they got to the club.   DELETED COMMENT. OP: Thanks. I don't really want to go that route. If she doesn't give me back the ring, I'm out a little over $8k. If I can sell the marriage band without the engagement ring it will be a little less than that. It's not an insignificant amount, but at this point it will be more trouble than it's worth to me. Reminder - I am not OP. submitted by /u/Sebastianlim to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dangerous-Knee6867 While on vacation at my boyfriend's place, I found out he had a fling with his neighbor. I don't know if I should leave, meet his neighbor, or not? Originally posted to r/AskMec TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity Editors Note: translated from the original french Original Post Aug 14, 2025 Hi, sorry for the long text, I'm just at the end of my rope and I'd like to get a male perspective (I've already had a female one and I'd like a male one). I'm 24, my boyfriend is 27, and we've been together for 5 years. We lived together for 3 years, then last December he moved to London for a job he'd dreamed of having for a long time. He wanted me to come with him, but it was complicated for me; I had to finish my studies, and on top of that, the visa process was a nightmare. Finally, we found a solution, and I was supposed to join him permanently next October. Since he left, we see each other less, but he used to come back to France for about a week each month. I had never been to London before, and I've been here for a week now, but it's turned into a nightmare. He lives in a large apartment building with a gym, swimming pool, etc. The first morning, I went to the gym and noticed a woman who kept staring at me. I ignored her and continued my workout. That evening, my boyfriend and I had booked a restaurant. We took the elevator, but when the doors opened, we ran into this woman. My boyfriend said, "No, come on, let's take the stairs." He lives on the 32nd floor, so I refused. I was wearing heels, and besides, even the 3rd floor? He didn't insist and said, "Well, we'll meet downstairs," and then the guy went off to take the stairs. So there I was, alone in the elevator with the woman. She asked me what country I was from, we chatted, she was pretty cool, and she even threw in a few words of French for a laugh, but at the end, when the doors opened, she blurted out, "Tell your boyfriend to stop stressing, I don't like men who are already in relationships." At first, I didn't understand, and then I thought, I'm pretty good at English, but I'm not fluent, so maybe I misunderstood, etc. Anyway, I met up with my boyfriend and we went to a restaurant, but all evening, the girl's comment kept nagging at me. I finally asked him who she was. At first, he just said, "My neighbor," but since I sensed there was more to it, I pressed him. He got angry, told me we were supposed to be having a good vacation and that I was nitpicking, and I got angry too. I decided to go back to the apartment because the atmosphere was tense and I wasn't feeling well. Once we arrived, he tried to make amends with hugs, but I pushed him away. I'm someone who cries easily when I'm overwhelmed by my emotions, so I burst into tears in my corner. That's when he finally admitted that something had happened with this woman. He told me that maybe something had happened with her, but "nothing serious." Then he explained that he'd met her at a party in his building, that they'd ended up at his place, that there had been foreplay but no sex, that he'd left the next day, that she'd tried something, but he'd told her he was in a relationship, and since then, well, he's been avoiding her. He added that he's sorry, that he loves me, but that didn't matter to me; it was still cheating. I packed my bags, but he tells me he loves me, that he's sorry, that he was upset by the change he made, that he messed up, and then he pulls out a ring and tells me he was going to propose on Saturday. But honestly, I feel like he's just trying to buy me with that ring. What's destroying me the most isn't so much the fact that there was any foreplay, it's the lying. I hate it, and he knows it perfectly well right now. I'm completely lost. I don't know if I should stay or leave, listen to him, sulk, or if he's being sincere or not. Or is he just trying to keep me from leaving? I don't know. I even ran into the girl again and asked her to get coffee tomorrow, just to get her side of the story. She told me that as long as I don't come after her like some crazy girlfriend, she's okay with it. I don't know if it's a good idea or if I'm just hurting myself. TOP COMMENTS BigSadistDomMaster The famous "foreplay" that will turn into a regular hookup when you delve deeper into the subject with her 😂. ArthurusRexx This. 100% there weren't just foreplay, there's NEVER just foreplay. ~ ObiWanGregori That "foreplay but no sexual relationship" thing doesn't make any sense. Foreplay is already sexual. DrFolAmour007 That means "we did everything except penetration"! Because it's well known that as long as the dick isn't in the pussy, it's all goooood, it's not cheating! Mini update Same Day Thanks for all your replies 🫶🏻. I'm still gonna go see the girl to put a line under it and get her side of the story, then I'll go back to France. Honestly, I'm disgusted, not for him, but because I won't even be able to enjoy the gym and the pool in his building any longer, that's really the real drama in the story (it's a joke just in case) but yeah, I'd already made my choice to leave him, it's just hard because I've always been invested in this relationship and in love, but hey! Update Aug 15, 2025 (Next Day) Hey, just a quick update on the situation! This morning I went to get coffee and then go see the neighbor in question. She told me that yes, there was indeed a party in the building. She went to talk to him because he was "the new guy" and it's always nice to get to know people. Then, when the party ended, she suggested they continue the conversation at her place. According to her, he let her kiss him, she gave him oral sex, and when she wanted to move on to the "I've pleased you, now it's my turn" stage, he supposedly said, "No, I'm seeing someone," and that was the end of it for her; she kicked him out. After this conversation, I went back to his place while he was at work. I've collected my luggage and I'm now at the train station, waiting for the Eurostar. No flights available anytime soon, so I might as well get home as quickly as possible. Right now I just need to be alone at home with my family and friends, to relax and clear my head (a positive point of this trip: I tried the matcha at Blank Street, I highly recommend it). FINAL COMMENT Kazmirrr The nerve of him to say he's taken AFTER getting a blowjob and then refusing to return the favor, I think we've got a winner for the biggest piece of shit of the year 😭. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

EDIT: I am sooooo appreciative of everyone's nice words!! It was super motivating to hear all of your stories and how you chose to overcome them. I won't let this get me down. I'll be sure to stand up for myself and report any creepy interactions to staff to help keep other women at the gym safe. Warning long rant ahead. Cheese pizza. I work out at my local planet fitness and I have never had too many issues. My biggest complaint about the gym are the men. Which I’m sure many women on here can agree with. I have dealt with men who have staring problems, men who give me unsolicited advice, and men who try to talk to me in the middle of my workouts. I am still quite new to the gym scene and have been going since last January so the amount of creepy interactions I have had since starting is quite baffling to me. Today was the worst encounter I have ever had. I was working out on one machine and there were two men working out together and taking turns on the machine behind me. I have seen the two of them together at the gym multiple times. They are older, at least in their 50s, and are quite jacked. I finished my workout on the machine and went to the sanitation area to get the stuff I need to clean my machine. On my way back one of the men stop me and asks for my name while introducing himself and his friend, extending his hand for a handshake. I reciprocate the action and give him my name without much thought. He then tells me he and his buddy have seen me at the gym a few times now. I acknowledge that I have see them before too. He proceeds to tell me that I have an amazing shape and he can tell that I workout a lot. He proceeds to compliment my body a few more times. I awkwardly say thank you as I am kind of frozen and have never really dealt with a situation like this before. He proceeds to ask how old I am. At this point I should’ve left, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I tell him my age and he acts shocked and what he said is what really disgusted me. He goes “my friend thought you were 18. You look great for your age.” This made me realize the two of them were talking about me sitting directly behind me while I was working out. I tried to move on to the stair master but I caught them looking at me from time to time so I didn’t stay for much longer. I am on the autism spectrum and it takes a while for me to fully process the situation, understand the impact of it, and asses how I felt about it. A few hours after I got home I burst into tears because I felt so disgusted with myself and how they made me feel about my body. I have been crying on and off since. I have never felt this kind of gross feeling before. I am quite scared to go back since I see the two of them there frequently enough. I’m even considering switching gyms but I’m aware no matter where I go there will be men that make me uncomfortable and it sucks. I want to be able to exist in my body without being stared at and making me feel self conscious. submitted by /u/Waste-Cockroach8284 to r/GirlDinnerDiaries [link] [comments]

I’ll preface this by saying the men in my family don’t live that long. Grandad made it to 69, my dad made it to 75. I started getting pressure in my chest at times last year and I didn’t want to just give in to it. I had surgery last summer and basically stopped working out for a couple of months due to recovery. Boom, pressure in my chest. Saw the doc. My bloodwork came back poor. I do take statins. So I started forcing myself to the gym every day. Plus long 45 min to one hour walks, daily, rain or shine or snow or sleet. I also do lots of weight training. At first it hurt, my neck especially. I had neck problems for years. So I did lesser weights and that didn’t hurt so I went to heavier and heavier. Now I can curl 40 lb dumbbells which isn’t world record breaking but for me, damn good and more importantly no more neck pain. I went and hit a bunch of golf balls which usually hurts for a couple of days in my back but now, it doesn’t as I’ve been working on strengthening my back specifically. In fact I don’t have aches and pains in general. The only thing is I get antsy if I don’t go to the gym every day, and it affects everything because I don’t want to drink much at all as it wears me down too much the next day. But even after social nights I’m at the gym the next day. The thing is my mind but wants to do less and less as I get older, stay in my comfort zone. But I force myself to go anyway. And then it doesn’t seem hard anymore because it’s like just a part of my every day routine. I won’t BS and say I feel 20 years younger but I feel probably the best a 54 year old could feel and kick myself for not thinking of this earlier. I’ve lost a few pounds but it’s more that it’s toned muscle now. I do eat healthier but could still improve. My routine is I use the cable machines/pulleys for a while, nothing too heavy, and really get a sold stretch in of my shoulders and back. A bunch of those, then triceps, biceps, lats, pushups, leg work. Then 20-30 min on an exercise bike. Then a stretch room workout with back raises, abs work, pigeon poses for the hips. I feel so much better mood wise too. Anyway thought I would share. submitted by /u/Gloomy-Ad-222 to r/GenX [link] [comments]

Tony Stark/Iron Man in the "Avengers Assemble" Animated TV show: Tony has a friendly bet with Captain America that he can stay off any sort of technology for 24 hours. If he loses, he'll agree to follow Cap's intense gym workout, and if he wins, Cap has to be the test subject for his new invention. Tony immediately is stopped by his Avengers coworkers whenever he tries to use tech for something trivial, like turning on the TV or using the lift, leading him to immediately accept defeat just an hour and a half into making the bet, so that he can get his smartphone and internet back. MCU Doctor Strange, who can fight and defeat otherworldly supernatural threats, has no idea how to deal with kids when he's "invited" by Jimmy Fallon to entertain kids with "street level magic" for a birthday party. Wolverine in the X-Men '97 animated tv show: Is ready to take on serious formidable threats like Apocalypse ,but panics when Jean Grey is about to deliver her child and he needs to get her to the hospital. MCU Captain America: Is a superhuman soldier with intense levels of durability and agility, but is severely clueless and uncomfortable when he realizes he has to do musical road shows as a performer in carnival-style shows for the general American public to advertise buying war bonds to them. submitted by /u/SatoruGojo232 to r/TopCharacterTropes [link] [comments]

TL;DR: What are your non detrimental sources for dopamine? All of mine were not healthy, I cut them out, now I'm bored. EDIT: Creating this post and engaging with so many of you gave me so much dopamine! Lol. Honestly, thank you all so much for your ideas and inspirations. Alot of you made me remember things I thoroughly enjoyed and forgot about and also got me excited to try so many new things! This has been very validating and I'd like to thank those who shared vulnerably as well. ADHD has so many draw backs but one thing is for sure, we are some interesting, empathetic, bad ass women

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/themachucajr My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship” Originally posted to r/Marriage BoRU 1 BoRU 2 TRIGGER WARNING: possible controlling behavior Original Post May 7, 2024 My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages. However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that. We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this. I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home. I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household. In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant. We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity. Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it. tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice. RELEVANT COMMENTS/MISSING REASONS Commenters looked at his history and found they were swingers We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue. I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful. If this is a consequence of swinging This issue existed long before the lifestyle. & I agree that swinging wasn’t a solution in the end. Never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case, we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at the conclusion that “myself” is the problem and she has no problem with other men, we would amicably part ways. However this wasn’t the case. She didn’t like sex nor intimacy there either. She was very much in control of that whole swinging situation. And yes, I went along with it. What gives? It felt very organic and it was her “effort” if you will, to discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I’m the problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn’t the case. Six years of miser sound awful. I would very much hate that. OOP on if the this started when the swinging ended Finally a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. You’re absolutely right about the fact that the swinging experience had things/changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example, the best thing swinging taught us (even above sexual exploration) was the level of transparent and open communication it requires. We would literally have mental orgasms having dialog with such intentionality. We implemented that in ALL our lives and areas including parenting with our children. She even agrees that we’re thankful for that takeaway from our swinging. Honestly, I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes, we explored swinging, however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop, it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so. In fact, we met with that couple who we mesh super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. So it wasn’t because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn’t any better and since she’s not enjoying the sex we both agreed there’s no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we’re still friends with those people because it’s great. All that said I know, more often than not, swinging causes massive issues. However, this was something we explored in pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as taking a “practical” approach to trying to solve the problem. Update May 15, 2024 I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation. One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experience sever poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships. For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree. At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually. Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post). I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page. I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging. I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome. Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional. Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it." She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues. We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course. We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less." This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own. I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen. I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better. Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best. TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples. RELEVANT COMMENTS CatsGambit So, I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you are both going 50/50 on childcare, as you both work and share children. Because otherwise, this approach is just plain financially abusive (and if you're planning on saying "I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me", sexually abusive as well). Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total POS, I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated, similar situation- we both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together, have barely any intimacy (a kiss or two, hugs every couple days), and spend.... maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us (him, me, and the toddler). Even less just the two of us- maybe 3 hours a week? Otherwise, he is on his game, or out playing sports, watching youtube, or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friends situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it, as the spouse that presumably was pulling away first- I hope you keep us updated. OOP Yes we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50/50 was not to cripple nor hurt her financially (that is cruel) but mostly to send a message on what a “roommate” dynamic looks like in the real world. I really dislike how people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances as a way of manipulating her. It’s not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills. However 50/50 means she has less “whatever” money AND the understanding that roommates share everything equally. Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We always saw ourselves as a “unit” that do things together. Both alone and with the kids too. That’s changed now where I’m choosing to focus on more independent type of pastimes and focus. That is what has sparked her reaction and realization of “there’s more” than just roommates here. When asked what if she leaves for another man Interesting. She has no shortage of men hitting on her and we’re by no means jealous people. So I’ve witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say, if another man for her was the answer, she’d tell me or she’d have some inkling maybe? There’s no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person. Update 2 July 19, 2024 I debated for a long time on whether to submit an update on this matter. A few significant changes have taken place and I felt it would be good to not only share with you, but also to allow myself to process all of this in a uniform way. We're now almost 9 weeks in on the 180 method I mentioned I was starting and it started to render some positive reactions from my wife. I explained in the previous posts that she started to notice things that she previously took for granted, started to ask more about my whereabouts and also started to notice I would go out with the kids more often without her and she started to invite herself to which I didn't decline. So much has changed and it has changed for what seems to be for the better. This past Memorial Day weekend, my wife asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee because she wanted to talk to me about something. This was HUGE, because I can't recall when the last time my wife asked to "talk" to me about something important. I must admit, I was very nervous and worried about what this could be about and my mind was racing with the plethora of scenarios of what it could possibly be. Of course I agreed and we took some time away from the kids to have this conversation at a local coffee shop. The talk was very constructive in nature. There was a ton of insightful information about herself that helped me further understand where she is in life both emotionally and mentally. We summarized what the core issues we are encountering are and she asked me for help! This is NEW, and I cannot tell you how excited I was hearing something so sincere coming from my wife who for the last 2+ years has been absent. So, after she was through sharing all her thoughts, I proposed a plan that I felt was right for us. This is something that I had been thinking about these last few weeks and I was planning on bringing this up in a few months if I noticed that things were not changing for the better. This "date" felt like the right place to share it since it goes hand in hand with what she talked about, and it also relates to the help she was asking me for. I started by first acknowledging her feelings and her concerns. I told her they are valid and how she feels is personal to her and that I care that she feels this way because I don't like the thought of her being sad or depressed. I also told her that my goal still is and will always be for us to reconcile and be the "happily ever after" we vowed to be for each other and that my love for her is as strong, if not stronger, as it was the day we said "I Do." I continued the conversation by telling her how I felt about the whole situation (read my previous posts for details) and how it affects me every day. I also clarified some things that she mentioned she was feeling because how I have been very distant and monotone (transactional) lately. I explained to her that I was very much trying to protect my feelings and emotions from the rejection and neglect and that it wasn't personal, it was simply me safeguarding myself because I cannot control her, I can only control myself. This was a perfect segue way to the core of this approach which is focused on self accountability. I told her that for the longest time I was always working hard to make her happy and do things that I knew she enjoyed or wanted. However, I was always met with rejection and disappointment which caused a load of stress on me. I explained to her that I had to make a change for myself. Afterall, I can only control myself and make the changes that I want for myself. I mentioned how I was starting to implement new habits and routines that help edify me all while still executing all of our shared responsibilities including parenting, finances, and daily living activities. I explained that the goal is to continue to improve myself both as a husband and father, learn more, and be healthier (among other things). She was very receptive to this. She told me that she sees what I'm doing and that she is proud of the changes she has seen. She also told me how she's starting to realize that she feels left behind and that much of the things that have affected her negatively are her own fault. Toward the end of the conversation which was about 3 hours, there was a very high spirit of reconciliation in the room. I told her that my goal is to ultimately make this work, however I was very clear that I was not going to live under the current circumstances. I told her that my heart wants her to be happy even if it means elsewhere and that I also deserve to be happy myself. I also explained that I do not want our children to grow up thinking this was ok or normal because they deserve better as well. She told me she doesn't either, she told me she doesn't know what to do to which I replied, "lets set some clear goals however, the goals will be for ourselves, NOT for each other." So, here is what we established: ​ We are in charge of our own happiness: the key here is that she's not responsible for making me happy, and vice versa. We both need to seek what that personal plan looks like individually. Also, we're both encouraged to include each other in taking those steps if we want, but it is not required. ​ We are in control of our own individual lives and our own journey: this means we're both responsible in finding the resources necessary to grow, change and heal. We can definitely help one another when help is requested, however, unsolicited advice or help will not be rendered. ​ We are responsible for communicating: this ensures nothing is left unsaid. If it was never brought up or discussed, it never happened. We're not mind readers and we need to take ownership when we fail to communicate. ​ Make a list of needs and wants: this gives us both clear direction about meeting each others needs. This also gives us a CHOICE as to what we want/choose to do, compromise on, or decline to do. This list also will not serve as a checklist for accountability! We made it clear we would NOT be bringing this list up for the purpose of arguing, and it was up to the other person to use the list as a tool for growth, transparency or clarification. We concluded that it was up to us to decide if we will be happy doing these things for OURSELVES because we care, not to simply check a box. This was very important in order to establish long term habits and not short term band aids because you cannot "make" someone change or do something they don't believe is important. ​ Established a deadline (Memorial Day 2025) At the end of the conversation we concluded by setting Memorial Day 2025 as a hard stop to evaluate our lives and our progress. We agreed we would do this with the clear understanding that we will independently decide if we are happy here. If we determined we arent happy, we will be getting a divorce. We would also both assume full responsibility for what happened should we get divorced. For example, if needs were not met, it would mean "my partner chose not to meet them." This places full responsibility on each other in all areas. The whole process requires that if "needs were not met," the next question should be, "did we do everything to address this issue?" If yes, then we will have a clear conscious of what transpired and know we left no stone unturned. IF, however, we "didn't do everything to address the issue," it will mean "the issue was not important enough for you or didn't care to meet those needs." (this goes both ways in all areas, like everything else.) We established that the main motivator for change should be ourselves and that if we did that, we would in turn begin to see beneficial changes towards each other. The goal is to ensure that everything we are doing for one another to meet each others needs is being done because "we WANT to do it for our spouse, not because he/she asked. Isntead, it was done because I know it makes him/her happy and I love seeing them happy." I felt it was important to mention to her that we are no longer "required" to do anything for each other. It is now more of a "I want" to do these things for each other. Ultimately, I felt the conversation was very positive and productive. Many tears were shed and lots of hugging ensued. I know this doesn't mean or guarantee anything, however, this has never happened before and I can honestly attribute it to the 180 method (I cannot give anymore insight on this method other than its the only thing I did different and something new happened for what seems to be better). I've decided I will conclude and will refrain from this method moving forward as the plan now has changed. I'm planning to devote myself entirely to not only myself and my growth but to also work on her needs and wants because I WANT her to be happy by my side. She said and agreed she would do the same for herself. We agreed we would help and build each other wherever we request for it and that we will be approaching this as a team. As of today, some of the biggest changes I have noticed are her commitment to therapy and mental health. She is taking some antidepressants that are helping her. She is also more confident and in a far better mood more frequently. We have started to explore more ways of intimacy in multiple areas such as physical touch and words of affirmation. Sex is starting to make an appearance which is exciting (side note: sex was very very awkward to start when you've ben abstinent for so long). We've also started to workout together whcih is great and have lost weight which is also very exciting. Overall, communication has improved, and I cannot wait to see where this leads. I hope this helps someone out there. I'm still very much interested in your feedback and thoughts on this. You all have been a huge help in giving me hope and insight into this tough journey. Trolls aside, many of you have really been instrumental in my journey both emotionally and mentally. I will not be providing any more updates until Memorial Day next year. I think its now time to keep focusing on myself and start working on all the new opportunities that hopefully will arise with my wife. I wish you all the best in life and your relationships with those you love. TL;DR: Our marriage took a turn for the better after the 180 method and we're now working on ourselves, each other and rekindling our marriage. We also set a deadline for next year to either remain together or get divorced. NEW UPDATE The Final Chapter & a New Beginning Nov 29, 2025 I realize this final post is far later than I anticipated, and I truly apologize for that. But such is life, and honestly, the timing now feels right. So much has transpired since my last post that it’s hard to capture it all in words, but I’ll do my best to be thorough and as succinct as possible. I know this is my final post on the matter, and I want to offer genuine insight and meaningful takeaways from this difficult journey we’ve been on for the past few years. Are we still married? Yes. Are we happy? Yes. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. You may be wondering why the “hell no,” and that’s more than fair. The truth is, shortly after my last entry, things got worse—much worse. Just when you think you’ve hit bottom, life has a way of showing you there’s still room below. Where It All Started to Shift: In my previous posts, I shared the approach I took and the truths it uncovered—truths that were difficult to accept, including the realization that my wife genuinely didn’t want much to do with me anymore. I had essentially been friend-zoned, and our marriage was drifting into a platonic partnership I didn’t want. That’s when I used the “180 Method” (Grey Rock Method), originally designed to help victims of infidelity reclaim stability and clarity. And yes—it works. It worked for me tremendously. I’ve received a ton of hate for choosing this path, but everyone’s situation is different. There is no one-size-fits-all in marriage recovery. I have zero regrets. It helped my wife recognize her own areas for growth, and it helped me rediscover mine. For years I believed I “deserved” the pain I was experiencing because of my flaws—but that’s not true. We all have imperfections, but they don’t strip us of our worth. During this time, I focused on rebuilding myself—my health, my joy, my identity outside the marriage. I’ve since lost over 23 pounds, ran a marathon, completed two Tough Mudder challenges, developed a consistent exercise and mountain biking routine, started a business, read six books, joined a charity, and raised more than $52,000 for my children’s school. People misunderstand the 180 Method. It’s not just about how you treat the spouse—it’s about reclaiming you. Where We Are Now: The 180 Method gave me the space to focus on myself and my kids while still remaining faithful and committed to the marriage. I gave my wife an ultimatum (see previous posts), and we mutually agreed on what we each needed to work on—along with a timeline. Was the timeline perfect? No. Were there hiccups? Constantly. That’s the nature of relationships. You cannot remove the human element—our flaws, our emotions, our setbacks. This process came with relapses, depression, unrelated conflicts, insecurities, and the need for constant readjustment. This is where grace and adaptability became essential. Imagine practicing the 180 Method—which can appear cold and distant—while simultaneously extending unexpected moments of grace. It surprised my wife, and it made a profound difference. It validated the effort we were both putting in and signaled that we were genuinely moving toward healing. One powerful shift was realizing that my wife reciprocated grace and vulnerability much more easily when she saw me practicing them. We began having deeper conversations—ones I didn’t even realize we needed. Many of those issues were mine. I had to confront my struggle with emotional vulnerability. I grew up in a “macho,” stoic culture where men don’t cry—and that mentality was silently damaging our marriage. As I worked through that, I learned that allowing myself to be vulnerable didn’t make me weak. It made me accessible. And in turn, it allowed my wife to reach parts of me and care for me in ways I had never truly experienced. That feeling of being cared for—genuinely cared for—was new. And it changed everything. Where We’re Headed: As I mentioned, things got worse before they got better. My wife had a serious breakdown early on where she felt everything was over. We hadn’t yet fixed our communication patterns, and counseling helped us realize it was time to shift out of the 180 Method and begin recognizing and validating the progress we both were making. Once we focused intentionally on communication, grace, vulnerability, and consistent practices of gratitude and emotional expression, things started to transform. Over the months that followed, we chose to show up for each other. Not out of obligation, but out of intention. Fast forward to today: Our marriage is nothing like it was a year ago—and nothing like the day I wrote my last post. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth keeping forever? Absolutely. We have a new foundation and a new commitment to the work—not just on our marriage, but on ourselves. Advice for Anyone Going Through Something Similar: Your marriage can still be something beautiful, even after unimaginable hardship. Remember why you married your partner. Remember the qualities that made them right for you. But also remember that change starts with YOU—not your partner. You can’t force them to change. You can only do the work on yourself and give them the space to choose their own path. I recommend the 180 Method/Grey Rock Method because it was essential for me—but it isn’t universal. It worked because it forced both of us to confront truth, discomfort, and growth. People on Reddit criticized me endlessly for it. But it’s your marriage—not theirs. Only you know what you can live with, what you can’t, and what your relationship truly needs. Lastly, I genuinely hope this helps anyone navigating a similar situation. I will always be pro-marriage, and I firmly believe couples can overcome even the hardest challenges if they have the desire to do so. Love can be rebuilt. Trust can be rebuilt. Intimacy can be rebuilt. I now have a marriage filled with renewed love, real emotional connection, and new hope for our future. My wife chooses me every day. We are rebuilding together with honesty, vulnerability, and intention. My children have witnessed resilience, forgiveness, and growth—and that matters deeply to me. NOTE: I’ll be sharing some resources that really truly helped us later on in a comment. I truly believe it would be beneficial for those interested. Remember: You must go all-in if you want real change. Love hard, without reservation. Rewire your mindset. Give yourself time and grace. And believe that your marriage can succeed. I pray that every marriage here finds strength, hope, and a restored path forward. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

January is the month of lies. If you’ve worked in the fitness industry as long as I have, you eventually learn to hate the calendar. January 2nd marks the beginning of the migration of repentant souls. They arrive in schools, wearing lycra clothes that still smell like the store, carrying colorful water bottles, fueled by the fragile determination of someone who spent three weeks stuffing their face with holiday roast and sides and now wants a pop star’s body before Carnival. We call this "Project Summer." I call it "Project Desperation." My name is Danilo. I’m a personal trainer and floor instructor at IronFit 24h, one of those low-cost gym chains that have spread through São Paulo like a fungal plague. Black walls, neon yellow lights, electronic music played too loud, and membership fees that are way too cheap. I work the shift nobody wants: midnight to six in the morning. It’s a lonely shift. The crowd at that hour is usually made up of insomniacs, ER doctors, cops, and a few antisocial meatheads who hate sharing equipment. The sound of weight plates clanking echoes in the empty warehouse like gunshots. The smell is a mix of rubber, citrus disinfectant, and cold sweat. But this specific January, something was different. It started with Mariana. Mariana had been a regular student on my shift for about six months. A nurse, thirty-something, slightly overweight. She was always nice, the type who brings coffee for the instructor and chats about TV shows between sets on the leg press. Her goal was to lose 5kg (about 11 lbs). A healthy, realistic goal. When I came back from my New Year’s break on January 3rd, Mariana was there. It was 3:15 AM. I was at the front desk, fighting off sleep, when she walked in. I almost didn’t recognize her. In less than two weeks, Mariana looked like she had lost 10 or 15 kilos (20-30 lbs). Her workout clothes, once tight, now hung off her body like empty sacks. Her face was gaunt, her cheekbones protruding like blades beneath pale skin. There were deep, purple circles around eyes that looked glazed over, focused on nothing. "Mariana?" I called out, stepping out from behind the counter. "Wow, long time no see. You look... different." She didn’t smile. The old Mariana would have made a joke about cutting carbs. But this Mariana just turned her head slowly in my direction, like a robot with rusted gears. "Need to train," she whispered. Her voice was hoarse, dry. "Sure. But... are you okay? You’re pale." "Spinning Room," she said, ignoring my question. "Kleber said the Spinning Room is closed for maintenance." Kleber was the unit manager. A guy who looked like he was assembled from Lego pieces made of meat and steroids. Teeth too white, a fake orange tan, and an aggressive corporate energy that made me nauseous. He was never at the gym at dawn; his shift was strictly 9-to-5. "Is Kleber here?" I asked, confused. Mariana didn’t answer. She marched toward the back of the gym, where the bike room was located. It was a closed room with soundproofing and glass windows which, I noticed now, had been covered with brown butcher paper from the inside. "Maintenance," read a crooked sign on the door. Mariana typed a code into the keypad on the door. The light turned green. She went in. A blast of hot air escaped the room before the door closed. Hot and humid. And with a strange smell. It didn’t smell like sweat. I went back to the counter, uneasy. Over the next few nights, the pattern repeated. And it got worse. It wasn’t just Mariana. I started noticing a group. There were about ten of them. Men and women, varying ages, but they all shared the same cadaverous aesthetic. Gray skin, sudden and excessive thinness, trembling hands, and that dead-fish stare. They always arrived between 3:00 and 3:30 AM. They didn’t speak to me. They didn’t use their fingerprint at the turnstile (which was against the rules, but the system seemed to release them automatically). They went straight to the Spinning Room, typed in the password, and disappeared inside for exactly one hour. None of them touched the weights. None of them drank water. They walked in, and they crawled out, leaning on the walls, soaked in a sweat that looked oily. I tried to talk to Kleber at the shift change, at 6:00 AM. "Kleber, what’s going on in the bike room?" I asked, grabbing my backpack. "The night crew is using it, but the sign says maintenance. And Mariana... man, she’s sick. She lost weight way too fast." Kleber was drinking his whey protein, scrolling on his phone. He didn’t even look up. "It’s a high-performance group, Danilo. New franchise protocol. Metabolic HIIT. Elite stuff. Don’t worry about it. They pay for a Black Diamond plan." "But they look like crack addicts, Kleber. Seriously. Their skin is melting off. And what is that smell?" Kleber finally looked at me. The white smile vanished. His eyes went cold. "Are you a doctor, Danilo?" "No, I’m a physical trainer." "Then train physiques and leave the management to me. If they get sick, they signed a liability waiver. Your job is to watch the weight room and make sure no one steals the dumbbells. The bike room is rented for a private project. Don’t meddle, stay in your lane." He patted my shoulder. A pat that was a little too hard. " The job market is tough, Danilo. Don’t lose your job over curiosity." I went home, but I couldn’t sleep. The image of Mariana haunted me. I knew what drugs did. I’ve seen people abuse diuretics, T3, Clenbuterol. But this was different. They weren’t just drying out fat. They looked like they were being consumed from the inside out. Last night, I decided I wasn’t going to ignore it anymore. It was 3:40 AM. The "Zombie Group," as I’d mentally nicknamed them, had been inside the Spinning Room for twenty minutes. The gym was empty, except for them and me. I went to the door. I pressed my ear against the glass covered by the brown paper. The soundproofing was good, but not perfect. I could hear the hum of the bikes spinning. But I didn’t hear music. Spinning classes have loud music, shouting, motivation. In there, the only human sound was... moaning. Muffled screams of pain. Crying. And someone vomiting. I tried the handle. Locked. I looked at the keypad. Four digits. I remembered the gym’s anniversary. Nothing. I tried today’s date. Nothing. Then I remembered Kleber’s ego. He had a tattoo on his arm: 1985. The year he was born. I typed 1-9-8-5. The light turned green. I took a deep breath, pulled my shirt up to cover my nose, and opened the door. The heat hit me like a physical punch. The temperature inside must have been bordering on 50°C (122°F). The air was thick, unbreathable, saturated with humidity and that chemical smell of rotten vinegar mixed with boiled meat. The room was dim, lit only by red emergency lights along the baseboards. There were twelve bikes. All occupied. But they weren’t just pedaling. Mariana was on the front bike. Strapped to the machine. There were velcro straps binding her wrists to the handlebars and her feet to the pedals. She was pedaling at a frantic, inhuman pace. Her legs were spinning so fast they were a blur. But she wasn’t doing it voluntarily. Her bike—and the others—were connected to an external motor. The motor was forcing the pedals to turn. If she stopped applying force, her legs would be snapped by the mechanical movement. She had to keep up with the machine’s rhythm to avoid having her bones ground to dust. But the worst part wasn’t the forced movement. The worst part was the masks. Every student was wearing a transparent oxygen mask, connected by tubes that went up to the ceiling, feeding into the AC vents. Inside the masks, a yellowish gas was being pumped in. Mariana looked at me when I entered. Her eyes were red with burst blood vessels. Her skin glistened with sweat, but also with blisters. Small burn blisters covered her arms. She tried to scream, but the mask muffled the sound. She was cooking. Literally. "My God!" I shouted, running to her bike. I tried to undo the velcro. They were locked with industrial zip ties. I looked at the bike’s panel. There was no stop button. The wiring went straight into the wall. The other students didn’t even look at me. Some seemed passed out, heads hanging low, but their legs kept spinning, spinning, spinning, driven by the motor, tearing muscles and ligaments in unconscious bodies. "What the fuck are you doing here?" The voice came from the back of the room, from the shadows. Kleber was there. He was wearing a white hazmat suit and a professional gas mask. He was holding a tablet. "Turn this off!" I screamed, coughing from the heat and the chemical smell. "You’re killing them! Mariana is burning up with fever!" Kleber walked calmly toward me. He looked huge in that suit. "They’re not dying, Danilo. They’re metabolizing. Do you know what DNP is? 2,4-Dinitrophenol?" He pointed to the tubes in the ceiling. "It’s an industrial compound. Used to make explosives in World War I. The workers who handled it lost weight until they vanished. It uncouples oxidative phosphorylation. Basically? It makes the cell stop storing energy and turn everything into heat. Fat turns into fire." "This is poison!" I tried to lunge at him, but the heat was making me dizzy. My legs felt like lead. "It’s efficiency!" Kleber shouted, his voice muffled by the mask. "They signed the contract, Danilo! They wanted to lose 10 kilos in a week. They begged for this. I’m just giving them what they asked for. The gas raises their basal body temperature to 40 degrees. They burn 5,000 calories an hour sitting there. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it cooks the internal organs a little bit. But look at her!" He pointed to a woman in the second row. She was skeletal. "She walked in here wearing a size 14 on Monday. Today is Friday and she’s a size 4. Her 'Project Summer' is done. Who cares if she needs dialysis for the rest of her life? She’ll look skinny in a bikini!" "You’re sick!" I tried to punch him. It was a mistake. I had been breathing that toxic air for two minutes. My strength was gone. My punch was slow, pathetic. Kleber just grabbed my arm and shoved me. I fell onto the rubber floor. The floor was hot. It burned my hand. I saw Mariana looking at me. A tear of blood ran down under her mask. She mouthed something. I read her lips: "Kill me." I stood up, stumbling, and ran for the door. I needed to call the police. I needed to get out of that oven. I grabbed the handle. Locked. "The session isn’t over, Danilo," Kleber said, typing something on the tablet. "The locks are automatic. They only open when the thermal cycle ends. Thirty minutes left." I heard a mechanical click come from the ceiling. The hissing of the gas got louder. "And since you’re here... and you’ve seen the franchise’s trade secret... I think you need a workout too. You’ve been looking a little bloated, Danilo. Too much beer over the holidays?" I felt my throat close up. The air was turning yellow. Kleber walked toward me. He wasn’t going to put me on a bike. He didn’t need to. Just being in that room was enough. "DNP in gaseous form is absorbed through the skin and mucous membranes," Kleber explained, as if giving a biomechanics lecture. "Without the mask, you’ll absorb a lethal dose in... let’s say, ten minutes. Your temperature will rise to 42 degrees. Your proteins will denature. Your brain will cook inside your skull. It’s a quick death, but... hot." I ran to the windows covered with brown paper. I pounded on the glass. Double tempered glass. Unbreakable without a hammer. I screamed for help. But who would hear? The gym was empty. The soundproofing was perfect. Kleber sat on a stool in the corner, crossed his legs, and kept monitoring the data on the tablet. "Save your oxygen, Danilo. The more you move, the hotter you get." I felt sweat break out on my forehead. It wasn’t normal sweat. It was a flood. My shirt was soaked in seconds. My heart started beating out of rhythm. I felt a burning in my stomach, as if I had swallowed hot coals. My vision began to blur, yellowing at the edges. I looked at Mariana. She had passed out, but her legs kept spinning, spinning, spinning, driven by the relentless motor. I heard a dry snap — CRACK. Her knee had broken. The bone tore through the skin, white and shiny, but the machine kept forcing her leg to turn, grinding the joint with every rotation. Kleber didn’t even look. I fell to my knees. The floor was boiling. I tried to crawl to the door. My skin was red, throbbing. I could feel my blood bubbling in my veins. It felt like being inside a giant microwave. "Twenty minutes left," Kleber’s voice sounded distant, metallic. "Hang in there. Think of the results. Think about how shredded you’ll look in the coffin." My eyes are swelling. I think my tears are evaporating before they fall. I’m writing this on my phone’s notes app, with fingers slippery from sweat and the grease leaking from my pores. The battery is dying. The phone is overheating too. If anyone finds this phone... if anyone finds what’s left of us... Don’t believe the official report. They’ll say it was a fire. They’ll say it was a short circuit in the sauna. It wasn’t. It was Project Summer. Kleber is standing up now. He’s coming toward me with a syringe. "To speed up the process," he says. I’m so hot. I just wanted the air conditioning to work. Mariana stopped moving. The machine keeps spinning her legs, but her head has fallen back. Her mask is full of black vomit. Kleber is smiling. It’s January. It’s the month of "Project Summer." It’s the month... of lies. submitted by /u/davidherick to r/stories [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TrainingDistance4448 Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRUs: #1 [New Update]: AITAH for telling a woman at the gym that she's embarrassing herself? NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, obsessive behavior, stalking, racism, falsifying accusations Mood Spoilers: scary and frustrating RECAP Original Post: June 2, 2025 I go to the gym a lot. About sixish months ago I noticed a woman I'll call Andrea. That's not her name, but it will be for the rest of this post. I don't know if Andrea started going to the gym six months ago or if that's just when I noticed her. Full disclosure, I spoke to her first, but I had no way of knowing what the result would be. A lot of the machines at this gym have little entertainment systems attached to them that can access local channels. I got on a treadmill and realized the TV on the treadmill wasn't working. Andrea was walking past and I said "hey, do you know if there's an issue with the cable? This TV isn't working, but I don't know if it's just this one or all of them." She said the same thing happened to her on a different machine. I thanked her. That was the whole interaction. A week later she asked me for some electrolyte powder for her water. I said I didn't have any. She was cool with that and asked me how long I'd been coming to the gym and what I did for work. I answered and returned her questions. She said she was new to the area and worked in private security. We had a few more chill conversations after that. Six weeks ago she asked me out. For reasons I won't get into here, I wasn't interested. I declined. She said not to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we don't work out. I said that wasn't the issue, just not looking to date right now. She kept talking to me, and at first I kept talking to her, but I started to think something might be wrong, and I started avoiding her. Two weeks ago she walked up to me while I was on a machine with only one way to properly dismount that involved stepping into whete she was standing. She asked if I was avoiding her. I said I was and apologized. I said I just don't want to date right now. She said I don't have to avoid her to not date her. I said okay. I kept avoiding her though. Tonight while I was working out she confronted me again about avoiding her. I had a bad day and told her to leave me alone. She asked why I'm being such a prick, and I said because I wanted her to leave me alone. I then said that she was embarrassing herself and needs to stop. She put her foot on top of the weights, and I thought she was going to press down on them, so I let go of the bar very quickly, causing the weights to slam and make a loud noise. Several people looked over. She said "now who's embarrassing himself?" and walked away. Did I go to far by saying that? Do I owe her an apology? Update: I went in early this morning for a run and told the front desk staff about Andrea putting her foot on the weights. They said they would talk to her. Then, after work, I went in again for a regular workout. I was working on my legs when she walked up to my machine. The first thing she did was apologize about the weights. I don't know if someone talked to her or if that was of her own initiative. I accepted her apology and apologized for saying she was embarrassing herself. She said she forgave me, but if I wanted to really make it up to her I could buy her a drink and she would buy me one too to make up for the weights. I said maybe we should buy our own drinks (meaning separately at different places and times) and she misunderstood me and asked when and where. I told her I meant that I didn't want to go out with her. She said this wouldn't be a date but a reset for our friendship. I said I didn't want to be friends. She said I was being a douche and asked what my problem is. I said the weight incident made me uncomfortable, and I would rather us just give each other space. She then asked me if my problem with her is that she's Hispanic. I was so taken aback. I didn't even know she was until she said that. I said no, that she just makes me uncomfortable. She wanted me to explain what about her made me uncomfortable, and I tried to do so, but she argued with every point I made. I got frustrated and told her to just stay away from me. She said fine and that I have a lot of maturing to do. Then she walked away. I'm hoping that's the end of it. Relevant Comments OOP on why he doesn't want to get in a relationship OOP: She's just not my type. Even if she was, I don't want to get into a relationship right now. My last relationship lasted three years, and I need to remember how to be single before I hop right back into another relationship. Commenter 1: "Something might be wrong" what do you mean? OOP: I don't know how to explain it. I almost felt like she was having a completely different conversation with me than I was having with her. She seemed inappropriately enthusiastic. That's the best way I can think to say it. Downvoted Commenter: Dude, she just moved into the area, probably lonely and doesn't know anyone I'm guessing, did she ask you out on like a friend hang out type deal or was it a proper date? OOP: It was a date. She asked me if I wanted to get a drink with her sometime, and when I declined she said I don't need to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we "don't work out" romantically, and I had to decline a second time. Commenter 2: Good for you on taking a breather. NTA by the way. She either has severe mental health issues or hasn't been socialized properly. No "normal" person would ever put you in that position. I make every excuse I can when I'm not interested in someone, but when someone can't take a hint you do eventually have to disregard their feelings. I mean, think about it. She disregarded yours. OOP: That is a good way to think about it. I hadn't considered that part. Thank you. Commenter 3: I wouldn't go to the police RN because you've only just told her to leave you alone. But if gym management doesn't stop it then yeah I would go to the police. Harassment is harassment. If you were a girl and she was a guy who worked in security who also put their foot on your equipment people would be really concerned- rightly so. OOP: That's kind of a different situation. I have at least sixty pounds on her. It's not like she can follow me to my car and beat me up one night. What she did was dangerous and creepy, but what could she really do that's worse? Maybe drop a weight on my toe, but I can't think of anything else. It's not like she knows where I live.   Update #1: June 8, 2025 (six days later) Summary of previous post (skip this paragraph if you read that post): A woman at my gym, Andrea (fake name) asked me out after some normal not at all romantic interactions. I turned her down and shortly after I stated getting a weird vibe from her and started avoiding her. She confronted me about avoiding her twice, and the second time I said she was embarrassing herself, after which she put her foot on the weight stack of the machine I was using, causing me to let go of the bar really quickly and slam the weights. I initially thought I was the asshole for my rude comment, and most posters said I actually under reacted and should talk to gym management, which I did, after which Andrea confronted me again and asked me out again. I turned her down, we argued briefly and she said I needed to grow up. Actual Update: Andrea is banned from the gym! I was running on the treadmill and watching TV. She came up to talk to me, and I ignored her, staring at the TV. She raised her voice and I continued to ignore her. She reached out and pulled the safety tab out of the treadmill (the one you connect to your wrist so the treadmill stops if you fall), causing the treadmill to come to a sudden stop. I tripped and fell onto the controls and TV, scratching my chin on the top of the screen. I went to the front desk with Andrea following me. I told them what she did. She kept trying to interrupt me and talk over me, but the woman at the front desk told her to be quiet and wait her turn. I told her Andrea pulled out the safety tab while I was running and injured me. The woman at the front desk then asked Andrea what happened. Andrea said I was "staring into the middle distance" like I was in some kind of "fuage state" and she thought I was having a medical episode so she pulled the tab. The woman at the front desk asked for her membership card. Andrea didn't want to give it to her, but the woman at the front desk said if she didn't she would ban her. Andrea gave her the card and the woman at the front desk said to leave and she was suspended for a month. Andrea objected and got into an argument with the woman at the front desk that escalated into Andrea calling the woman an N word B word. So she was banned permanently. I hesitate to call that a happy ending because the poor gym employee had to put up with racial harassment, but I won't deny getting to watch her cut up Andrea's membership card felt good. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Still NTA. Andrea proved herself to be crazy, with a side of racist. OOP: And the irony is that SHE accused ME of being racist for not wanting to date her. Commenter 2: I’m guessing she doesn’t get told No very often. I’m glad it had a safe ending OOP: Thank you. I am too. Now that it's all over I'm starting to process it. The whole thing was so crazy. My heart rate is up higher than it ever gets when I run, which is nuts. Commenter 3: Hmm. If you see her again and she acts creepy it’s worthy of reporting to police. Just pay attention to your surroundings in case she stalks you OOP: She's banned from the gym, so I doubt I'll see her again. She doesn't know where I work or live. OOP on his race and Andrea's race OOP: She said she's Hispanic. I'm not going to tell you what race I am. Downvoted Commenter: Seriously, this is honestly your response. If so, you aren’t actually into women. You may not know it yet, but you aren’t. It’s a completely normal question for a person to ask is this crazed psycho who is trying to date you is Hot or not. Every straight male is thinking the exact same thing. OOP: I date women. I recently left a three year relationship with a woman, and she could tell you that I definitely like women. I just don't think women are defined solely by their appearance. I'll give you an example. I have this friend I grew up with. She is objectively very beautiful. Many men (and women) have told her so. While I can see that she is beautiful, the first thing I think when I see her is "that's my friend that I love dearly" not "that's an attractive woman that's probably good at sex." I have never been attracted to her because we treat each other like siblings. Conversely, in this situation, even if Andrea was my type (which she isn't) and I was looking to get into another relationship (which I'm not right now) it still wouldn't matter because her behavior towards me was so off-putting. She could look like Allyson Hannigan (an actress I think is particularly attractive) and it wouldn't matter because I don't date women that put people in physical danger when they're upset. Commenter 4: INFO: Are you okay from the injury? NTA, but just be careful. I’ve had jarring injuries while running from having to unexpectedly stop on a dime, and, while it felt okay at the time, it caused a stability-related injury next workout. OOP: I'm okay. It's just a scratch.   Update #2: June 12, 2025 (four days later) Sorry for the incomprehensible post. I posted this last night when I was drunk. I'll rewrite it to explain what happened. Last night I went to a bar near my apartment to meet up with some friends. The three of us were drinking and having a good time when Andrea walked up. I never saw her enter the bar. I only noticed her when she was in front of us. She greeted me and said it was good to see me and leaned in to try to kiss me. I pushed her away from me and she fell, but one of my friends caught her. She started yelling and asking what the fuck is wrong with me. I told her to stay away from me and not come any closer. She asked if I was embarrassed of her and didn't want my friends to see her. I said this is the third time you've tried to assault me and I want you to stay away from me. At that point the bouncer showed up to ask what was going on. Andrea said I pushed her. I tried to explain that she tried to kiss me and is stalking me, but I was drunk and not doing a great job. My friends also tried to explain that I was innocent, but they were also drunk. Security kicked me out of the bar. My friends walked me home. I am definitely going to try to get a restraining order. This has gone way too far. Top Comments Commenter 1: she is literally stalking you and it's going to just get worse. if she tries to follow you again PLEASE call the police. ask your gym for video footage of andrea purposely sabotaging your workouts, purposely trying to injure you and following you around. this situation is insane and escalating from following you around the gym to full on intruding into your personal life. does she have any of your social media? if so, definitely block her, as clearly she's starting to learn your patterns and outside hobbies. be safe!! Commenter 2: Might be a stretch but you should inform your workplace that you have a woman harassing you in retaliation for being rejected and banned from the gym after she escalated to violent and dangerous behaviour. If she found you in a bar (assuming it wasn’t a coincidence) then she can find out where you work and try to sabotage your job and reputation. And go to the police. Commenter 3: Now that it’s gone beyond the gym, you need to start the process of getting a restraining order. She’s unhinged as fuck, you need to get the law on your side. Go back to the bar on a different night and ask for the manager. Explain the situation and the context - make sure to mention that you’re in the process of taking out a restraining order against her for stalking and harassment. Try and clear your name, you were with friends and a woman walked in and immediately created a scene - but YOU were kicked out?? Nah I’d be fighting that, that’s some bullshit.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Update #3: December 20, 2025 (over six months later) Update: Andrea the Gym Nut I doubt anyone remembers this, and you can check my profile for context if you want, but I saw this subreddit while scrolling and remembered the password for my throwaway account. So if there is anyone out there that has been wondering about Andrea the Gym Nut, here's the answer. I did get a restraining order against Andrea as many suggested. It wasn't super effective. If I saw her and called the police she would usually be gone by the time they arrived. A couple officers gave me a hard time about calling. They thought I was wasting their time because I'm a man and she's a woman. The stress started to impact my job performance. My boss was sympathetic, but my coworkers started to get annoyed with me. Also the fact that Andrea had shown up at work was a huge liability for us. I saw the writing on the wall and knew I was going to be fired soon. I did what I had been putting off for a long time. I moved back home and decided to go back to school. It was hard at first. The situation with "Andrea" was more traumatic than I had been able to acknowledge to myself. I tried therapy, and the first therapist thought my issue was that I was too closed off and didn't want to give what sounded like a nice young woman a chance. So that sucked. I swore off therapy after that, but eventually my friends convinced me to give it another try, and I found a great therapist who has helped me a lot. My family wasn't particularly supportive at first, but they eventually came around (somewhat). My friends have been great this whole time, and they're the only reason I didn't have a meltdown. I also got back together with my high school girlfriend! I know, ironic. That situation isn't all sunshine and roses either right now, but we're working on it. I'll be starting school again at the beginning of the spring semester. All in all, I'm okay. I'm not great, but I'm okay. But who cares about that, right? You guys want to know about Andrea. What happened to Andrea? I have stayed as far away from her as possible, but my more tech savvy friend has been keeping tabs on her online presence in case she posts anything that might mean she's found out where I moved or had plans to do something to me. He usually doesn't update me unless it's something safety critical, but three weeks ago he told me I might feel safer knowing that Andrea is engaged! So she probably won't be stalking me in the future. I am amazed by this turn of events. There really is someone for everyone, even crazy stalkers. So that's the update. No prison for Andrea, only matrimony, which is its own kind of prison, in a way (just kidding). That's all folks! Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I totally remember this post! Wow, I find myself actually feeling bad for the idiot who's engaged to such a psycho. I am really glad, however, that you are doing so well! It's sad that you were forcing that situation, but it seems like it's worked out as well as could possibly be expected and even better! Congratulations and I hope everything continues to go well for you. OOP: Thank you, I appreciate that. It was really rough for a while, but I think I'm coming out of the other end of the tunnel now. As for Andrea's husband-to-be, maybe they're perfect for each other. Who knows? Commenter 2: Man people failed you every step of the way. Happy you got safe honey. OOP: Thanks. They really did! But I learned some important lessons.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

My boyfriend and I have been having some pretty severe trust issues, for context we’re both 24. Over the course of our relationship we’ve both had some slip ups. Last year, he tried kissing one of his girl friends while black out drunk—he apologized profusely, told me he’s an alcoholic, and vowed never to drink again and he’s kept that promise so far. My boyfriend keeps a lot of friends some of which happen to be girls, they aren’t intentionally malicious but they have an incestual friend group where they’re perfectly fine passing each other around. My boyfriend and I are the only monogamous relationship within. I wasn’t friends with his friends prior to dating him. One of his loose friends, Sophie, was always getting invited to the gym by his roommate who was trying to hit. The three of them would work out together all semester long, my boyfriend complained that this girl has bad takes and wasn’t super enjoyable to be around. She ends up making them beaded friendship bracelets and hanging in their room like OnE oF tHe GuYs. There are zero boundaries, she’s changing in their room treating it like a hang out spot and sitting in there when no one is there (it was a dorm so the doors were always unlocked). Semester ends, I come back from college, my boyfriend and I start working out together, and she is never invited to the gym after. A month ago my boyfriend asked me if Sophie could join our gym session. I thought it was fine at the time but while driving over I had this awful nauseous feeling that I had to go get my man. Something about picturing him alone in the gym with another girl made me absolutely ill. She is gorgeous, thin, incredibly rich, exactly my boyfriend’s type, and she puts on this kind quirky demeanor with men but cannot hold conversations with women. While at the gym it was mostly them talking to each other, my boyfriend made an attempt to include me in the conversation but I didn’t know any of the people they were talking about so I didn’t really chime in. What really got me is that when we moved to go lift, they stood in front of me, side by side at the mirror, so my boyfriend could “correct her form”. At the end she had the nerve to ask him if they could workout every week on Mondays at this specific time, and he agreed???!?? Also it was clearly not an invitation for me to tag along, she wants 1 on 1 time with my boyfriend like he’s her personal trainer. After we left the gym I texted him “I don't mean to sound like a bitch but it would make me feel bad and uncomfortable if you continued going to the gym with Sophie alone routinely” he reassured me and said he’d find a way out of it. The next two Mondays roll around and he flakes on her with random excuses, I thought things were fine. A week ago he was scrolling through his text list and I saw a text under her name saying “Needed u for morale”. Instead of confronting my boyfriend about it I decided to snoop on his phone since he keeps telling me he has nothing to hide. I find out that he, in fact, did not “find a way out of it” but instead just hid the fact that he was going with her from me. I found out she had been texting him about her workouts on days they missed, texts are included above. After the most recent one, he went to the gym with her and then immediately came over to decorate my Christmas tree with my family, he had every opportunity to tell he in passing that he went to the gym with her and he didn’t. We spent the night together, had sex, hung out the next day, and still no mention of his gym rendezvous with Sophie. I confronted him about it yesterday and these were his reasons, please tell me if they are bullshit: - he enjoys helping people get acquainted to the gym, has done it with many guy friends - he interpreted my text wrong, he thought “routinely” meant that he just couldn’t go with her every week - he spent most of their time gymming together talking about me - he said he hadn’t gone with her in a month and thought it was okay to start going with her again now that my boundary expired - he didn’t mention it because it was “incredibly mundane” - sometimes he makes plans with his friends, like getting lunch between classes, and doesn’t tell me, so he didn’t feel the need to mention this to me (even after I told him it made me uncomfortable) Anyways I’m really torn up about this. I feel stupid for believing that he would care about my feelings and boundaries. I am so angry and confused. I don’t see why he would put his girl friend above his girlfriend but I don’t even feel justified in my anger because he keeps shutting me down. Anyways AIO submitted by /u/Significant_Hand3348 to r/AIO [link] [comments]

mine is a pretty typical story, i used to hit the gym when i was younger (last pic) then let myself go for 25 or so years grinding away at life and having kids. i was so depressed and unhappy, i was drinking way too much and my health was deteriorating until niggling health issues had me visiting the doc all too often. then the doctor gave me a wake up call about my metabolic health i couldn't ignore ive used tirzepatide on and off and it has been life changing. usually 2.5mg, with occasional bump up to 5mg when the noise gets too much, but i always bring it back down to the lowest dose (or stop altogether) as soon as i can. fast forward 12 months, im 46, have been sober 12 months and and im in the best shape of my life, even better than when i was 20 (last pic). the tirz helped me quit not only emotional eating but also alcohol and one or 2 other addictions that were bothering me. ive been sober just over 12 months now. ive changed my lifestyle completely, ive sacrificed so much from my old life but in saying that, after a while my new lifestyle has become my norm so i dont feel like im missing out on anything. im absolutely fanatical about getting in workouts, steps and monitoring what i eat - these things are all priority number 1 (after family of course) disclaimer: no PED or TRT use - people are always quick to call me out for TRT use like its some magical drug that instantly makes you jacked. TRT simply allows men to have a healthy level of testosterone once their body stops producing it naturally. im lucky enough to have a decent test level still so i dont need TRT. no judgement to those that do it, ill jump on one day if required. edit: i dont know if im allowed to put this here but if anyone wants to follow me on insta the @ is mr_quintinh. I can remove that if its against sub policy. i dont post much, but ill add more in future to try and answer so many of the questions ive been getting. submitted by /u/the5ifth to r/fit [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Annual_Razzmatazz_94 Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest I think my husband had an emotional affair, and I'll never know the truth Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: obsessive behavior Mood Spoilers: enraging Original Post: August 31, 2025 A woman, Beth, (30sF) moved in to our estate a few weeks ago. A single mother with split custody with her ex. My husband, Carl, (32M) is the chairperson of our HoA. A week or 2 after moving in, she calls my husband to ask his assistance in mounting her TV on the wall. He goes and helps. A few days later her dishwasher was leaking. He goes and helps. This wasn't a problem for me, as he always helps everyone in the estate with little problems. As the weeks go on, she constantly needs help with things, always calling him for help. He goes. I now started getting annoyed as we haven't been in the best state because I've just had a baby (he's 4 months old) and we've had fights where I felt he wasn't helping me enough. I gave natural birth and am still bleeding now and then and my pelvis is still readjusting. Carl goes over to help Beth (AGAIN, even our neighbors who we are very close with commented that its odd) and offers that we do a lunch or something to welcome her and be friends as she just moved here and doesn't really know anyone. Mind you, he hasn't done this for other people. Lunch happens, and she calls me by the wrong name. I correct her and she's very giggly about it. She seems okay, a bit too over the top in terms of trying to be dominant in a conversation, but I think she's okay. She comes over again one more time for a barbecue a week or two later and outlr close neighbors join. They think she's okay, too. Then that week, while I'm at work, she comes over to say hi to my husband (he works from home, she's a teacher and schools are currently closed). She shows up wearing workout clothes. I got a text from my neighbor that also works from home, saying Beth is there. I leave it, as my husband is very social and we have cameras in the house. The next day, same thing. I mention that I'm glad she's made a friend, my husband agrees and that "she's a cool chick". This happens about 4 more times. I then have to travel for work, 4 days away, and then she came over almost every single day. In workout clothes. One night I watched the cameras, and they were sitting by the table eating together, and I just lost it. My husband is an avid gamer, so he plays games every night, earing dinner by his PC... I always beg him to sit by me and eat with me. He does it maybe once or twice a week. I called my husband after Beth had left and told him that these visits while I'm not home are making me very uncomfortable. Shes been over 3 times while I was home, but constantly there when its just him. He apologized and said he will set boundaries. Great! This discussion was on the Thursday night. Friday morning, Beth rocks up again. I keep my cool, because Carl said he will talk to her. I get home the Friday night and we have the discussion again. We are both calm and all that. Monday morning our baby got sick. Carl takes him to the doctor and tells me that I need to be at home Tuesday and Wednesday because baby can't go to baby school because he is sick. Okay cool, I come home early on Monday and look after baby. Monday afternoon, Beth and her ex have a chat about an offer my hubby had made to the ex about him coming over and also being friends (ex lives in our estate too). Do you think Beth texts my husband about this chat that happemd on the Monday? Nope. I am home Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday morning when I go to the office, Beth rocks up to chat about it. I lost it completely, because now its been a week since I told Carl about my discomfort. We had a very serious discussion that night where I said that if I see her here again when I am not here, I know he has no regard for my feelings. He was adamant about staying friends, and asked for a compromise. I said that the compromise is that she does not come here when i am not here. The next morning he went to go talk to her about it, and apparently she was extremely apologetic, really wanting to be friends with me too... but she almost never came over when I was at home. She hasn't been here since then (2 weeks now) and I have not had a text or whatever from her. He refused to show me the texts with her, and I told him that it will always bug me if he doesn't show me. He said "so be it". I honestly think he was having an emotional affair. But I will never know.... My close neighbor told me about a conversation she had with him while I was at work a few weeks ago; "He told me you were jealous and I said well can you blame her then I said that he drops everything for these woman but doesn't do the same for you. And he said "that's what OP said" then he went silent and changed the subject 🤣🤣". Just needed to vent.. Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: Thats really painful, you are right to feel hurt. Even if not physical, the secrecy and attention he gave her crossed a boundary OOP: He honestly made me feel like I was acting crazy, because he only spoke to her after I went delulu. But thank you Commenter 2: He crossed many boundaries. And this is something that you need to go to couples counseling about. You have every right to be concerned and upset. I would tell him outright that he had an emotional affair. Not only did you see it, but the neighbors saw it. And his lack of being forthcoming and letting you see the text messages is indicative of that and may show there is more than an emotional affair. I would go see an attorney to get you affairs in order in effort to protect yourself and your child. Additionally, I would start sleeping separately for now too. Commenter 3: Your neighbour is a hero. Calling him out for doing things for her and not you. Hopefully with someone else saying it, it actually registers in his truck head. Even if it's not emotional cheating he has no regard for your feelings or helping you out but happy to spend time helping other women. Totally inappropriate.   Update #1: October 8, 2025 (a bit over five weeks later) UPDATE: I think my husband had an emotional affair, and I'll never know the truth Update: I managed to see the messages between them. Nothing of a sexual nature at all, not even flirty. There was a day where he texted her at 07h30, but only texted me at 09h45 after I had sent him a text at 06h50, but that's as bad as it gets... He does not know that I've seen the texts so I've kept it quiet. We had a massive fight a few days after I made the original post, and I told him that I am considering separation. I think that made him realize how serious this all is. It's pretty much a blur, but I've started going to therapy to deal with past traumas and I am on antidepressants. Carl joined me in my last session and I think he realizes what Beth's intentions were, as my male psychologist said that that was very unusual behaviour from her, that "she is a threat and has intentions" Carl and I are doing great now, but the reason why I am posting this update, is to show what Beth said to me after I decided to send her a message to bury the hatchet and move on. These are the texts: Me: Dear Beth, I wanted to share what’s been on my mind. I was genuinely glad when we first met. It felt like I’d found someone new with a similar personality, and I thought there was potential for a real friendship. But as time has passed, I’ve felt hurt and disrespected by some of your choices. As someone who has also experienced betrayal, I would have hoped you’d understand how it came across when you frequently visited my husband while I wasn’t home, yet never came when I was there. You had opportunities to build a friendship with me too. I’ve just had a baby, and during such a vulnerable time it was especially difficult seeing how often you reached out to Carl for help. Certain things, like your son calling him “dada”, crossed lines that made me deeply uncomfortable. I tried to brush off a lot, but when you avoided coming by during the days I was home, only to return the moment I was back at work, it became impossible to ignore. I’ve spoken to Carl about his role in this, but as a woman, I also expected you to recognize when enough was enough. In my position, I believe you would have felt the same way. I’ve acknowledged everything now and I’m moving forward. Whether it was you seeking attention or Carl enjoying it, I was willing to let things go, until both of your actions crossed into what I can only call unacceptable. Beth then sent a long voice note detailing how it wasn’t her intention to hurt me, how she just naturally gravitates towards men, bla blah, and how me being an introvert she just didn’t wanna be in my space, blah blah blah. Then sent “I really like you guys and hope we can still be friends. But In saying that I will respect the boundaries and your wishes.” Me: I appreciate your message Beth: Soooo is that a yes we can be friends? Me: If I'm honest, I still hold a lot of resentment. Mainly because what he was freely giving you, attention and effort, I was begging for and not receiving. He tried his best to reach a compromise with me, telling me that you were over one day to ask advice because you met someone at a bar and wanted his opinion if the guy is interested or not. So I received a lot of mixed stories, because I remember you saying that you're happy being single and not looking. I am working through my emotions, as I have a lot of unresolved trauma, and Carl's constant defending you left a very bad taste in my mouth. I don't know if it would be possible while we are still working on things, as this has caused a very big rift between us. I realized my mistake here when I gave her a good feeling because my husband defended her. The next part she sent a bunch of texts. Beth: Carl defended me because he wanted you to realize him and I are good friends Beth: I don’t want to be that person but I do think you need to take a step back and also put yourself in our shoes. Beth: You have a good husband who loves you and your son and wants yo build a beautiful life with you guys but you can't allow insecurities or misunderstandings to interfere with that. Beth: Work on things that's fine but dont push someone away that is wanting to be both your friends. Beth: Take time to think. I won't push it. Beth: What i mean by this is to trust your husband. He is incredibly loyal to you. But he is a social, helpful person who gets along with women as his friends and you need to accept that and trust that there is no ill intentions and he is genuinely just building friendships. She literally sent this in a space of 6 minutes. Me: Sure, I'll put myself in your shoes. Visiting a man only when his wife isn't home. Constantly asking him for help with menial things around the house. I reached out to bury the hatchet. And then you spit out about i mustn't let my insecurities get in the way of someone's blatant disrespectful actions?? LOL! And again, I don't care who he is friends with. Whether its a penis or a vagina. I'm not jealous by nature, as hes had dinner with exes, we've had threesomes and we constantly comment on women that we see in public. But when something makes me uncomfortable and I ask that the visits while I'm away stop, then I'm insecure? Thanks Beth: No OP. That's not what I am saying. I was trying to get you to understand that you have a loving and loyal husband and need to allow him to be friends with others. I did explain to you from my side why I did visit when you weren't there and still did say I will respect you boundaries moving forward but would really like to maintain our friendship Me: He can be friends with whoever the fuck he wants to. I didn't tell him to cut you off. I only asked that you not visit when I'm not here. That's it. If he ended the friendship, that was him. Your blatant disrespect now honestly killed any chances. I said to you that its not a good idea now while we work on things. And you decided that your fucking opinion mattered. If I made a mistake, I would never put the blame on the other woman, blaming her insecurities and saying she must let her husband be friends with other women. Shame on you Beth: I will give you time.😘. Me: There's nothing to think about. You showed exactly who you are, your narcissistic need for attention led you to overstep. Whatever place you imagined you had in Carl's life doesn't exist. He even sees how disrespectful and unacceptable your behaviour was. All of us have lost every ounce of respect for you. Enjoy the life you've made for yourself. I then blocked her. My husband was appalled by her behaviour and said that it’s completely unacceptable. He did not text her to say that, but he did decide that cutting her off was the only option. He promised he would tell me if she texted him, and he hasn’t said anything, so I am trusting him. She has moved out of the estate and is no longer part of our lives. I wish I could’ve given her a proper send off... a glitter bomb or raw fish down her car vents, but I was too preoccupied with work and my baby. We are doing much better, and he sees how much his actions have hurt me. He is making more of an effort to make me feel better and happy and secure in our marriage. Thanks for reading. Top Comments Commenter 1: WHY are you telling this potential homewrecker all your personal information???? Stop texting her! You’re just giving her the upper hand here. Spilling the beans on every facet of your relationship with your husband. STOP. I don’t think this is the end of it. He’s telling you what you want to hear, she’s telling you things about your husband as if you don’t know him. He’ll be loving it. This is going one way and I hope you see it and take control before they manipulate you further. Commenter 2: While it may have been cathartic OP you have her so much information/ammo to use about your relationship. And the way she’s acting it seems your husband painted a very different picture of things to give her the impression this was acceptable behavior. I hope things work out between you and your husband though. Commenter 3: You told her way too much. When she asks if you can still be friends say “No”. Don’t blurt out more of your personal information. It gives her ammunition to argue. Commenter 4: There is power in silence, just saying, You should have never texted her in the first place. Don't let people who are trying to get between you know that anything they have done has any power in your relationship.   Update #2: October 8, 2025 (same post, 12 hours later) NEW UPDATE: Hi All, I've read through all the comments and did some thinking. I realize that I stuck my whole damn leg in my mouth, but I was so caught up in the heat of the moments. I guess it was a mix of me being on new medication, anger that my husband would not just tell her to fuck off, and me trying to set the picture of me not being anything close to jealous. I realize my mistake, and it is what it is. To those saying fake, I don't really care, that's why I posted on a venting sub. Even though things are going better now, and we are in therapy, I still hold resentment because he outright refused to block her while she lived in the estate, saying "What if there's an emergency? I can't block a tenant." and he refused to call her out on her behaviour because "he doesn't want drama". I respect his decision, but it still hurts. We've been together for nearly 10 years and I tell him that sometimes I feel he cares about other people's emotions more than mine. I pretty much am just keeping a low profile now, spending time with my son and trying to focus on the happiness that I do have. Whatever decisions he makes now going forward, I will address it when it happens. I was not in a good mental space when this whole thing happened, am I am growing as a person and learning to control my emotions. Also to control what I just blurt out when I am upset. Thank you for everyone's input. It's not healthy for me to keep dwelling on this. I am moving on now. Whether my husband wants to move on with me, or keep to his old ways... I'll cross that bridge when I get there. And I have a plan for IF things do go sideways. Thank you all.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Lost 40 kg in 10 months. I’ve been developing my physique ever since. Debuted in men’s physique this year and took two 2nd places in regional competitions. Placed 10th out of 12 with the pros in the NPC Grand Prix. Some additional info: During the first 7 months, I was doing 60 minutes of cardio per day and home workouts due to an incident at the factory I was working for, which made it difficult to breathe properly. During that time, I was on zero carbs and focused on cardio, push-ups, and abs workouts. I don’t recommend this approach. Also, if you’re doing weight loss like I did, baby oil can help prevent loose skin. In May 2022, I returned to the gym, ready for new adventures. Maybe I’ll make a new post showing my year-by-year transformation. And no, I didn’t do any hair transplants—my hair just grew back once my hormones were running correctly. I also use hair fibers, nothing special :D As for my diet, I’ve experimented a lot. Currently, carb-ups and carb-downs are what work best for me. I’ve been following a strict diet since 2021. submitted by /u/SuNSe7bg to r/GYM [link] [comments]

EDIT Here are answers to common questions I am seeing: Does my workout/diet interfere with time with my family? No, it does not. I wake up early before anyone else is awake and workout in the garage. The only time I go to the gym is on my lunch break at work. I would not be able to leave the office early if I did not workout at lunch. My meal prep happens on Sunday when the family is at church (I would not be going to church with them even if I was not meal prepping). I shop for the whole house for groceries for the week and then make a big batch of chicken thighs, big batch of chicken legs, and a big batch of chickpea salad, and then vacuum seal and put into the freezer in the garage. Do you cook for your family? Yes, I cook 100% of at home dinners for my wife and son. I make them whatever my wife wants. I will warm up my food in the microwave and eat with them. Does your wife get time to herself? Yes, my son is in daycare. That started in June. Prior to that, he was at home with my wife and did a mother's day out. Additionally, both our moms are retired and love to be with our son whenever they can, so she would regularly drop him off. Additionally, in the evenings during the week, after dinner, I am solely responsible for the kid until I go to bed at 10:30. I am also solely responsible for him on Saturday mornings. And if I am not working, I will be with our son whenever she needs/wants. Spending time with the little guy is incredibly fun for me. Do you spend time with just you and your wife? Yes, we have weekly date night on Saturday and usually do something just us on Sunday. We also spend an hour or two Monday-Friday together. Do you do chores? Yes, they include mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms every other week, all yard-related tasks, doing any poopy/pee laundry for my son, doing all my own laundry, woring with my son to straighten up his room before bed, and maintaining my areas of the house (namely my section of the bedroom). This is a throwaway account My wife (Jen) and I went to the same college. We met at the beginning of her freshman year (my sophomore year) in Fall 2017. I was an offensive tackle on the football team, as such, I was always a large guy. Jen was a small girl with an hourglass figure who guys on campus would pretty brazenly check out whenever she went anywhere. We started dating pretty quickly and dated on and off over the next 2 1/2 years. When COVID shutdowns hit, we were living together. Jen got pregnant during the shutdowns. At that time, I was weighing about 350 lbs. I had some pretty significant back and knee problems. I decided I needed to make a change because I wanted to be an active and involved father. At first, Jen was supportive. I changed my diet (no fried food, sweets, or soft drinks). I increased my workout routine. The weight pretty quickly started coming off. By the time my son was born in early 2021, I was down to 310 (about the weight I was when Jen and I started dating). We got married in the Summer of 2021. I decided I wanted to keep losing weight. I was motivated, feeling great, and wanted to get to about 200-210. Jen became less supportive, but she was not hostile towards my goal. I did my best to structure my workout routine to decrease the amount of time I was away from home. I started going to the gym during my lunch breaks from work and made a little area in the garage for me to do my cardio in the morning. I made all of my own meals. Outside of her concerns about my weight loss, our marriage seemed good. I was in individual counseling and had suggested couples counseling, but Jen was not open to the idea. We were both enjoying our little family life with our son. We decided to try for a second child. Jen is currently six months pregnant. Since getting pregnant, Jen has become very hostile towards my diet and workout routine. It has mostly consisted of digs and passive-aggressive remarks about my working out and about my body. About two months ago was her 25th birthday. We got dressed up and went out to a nice dinner. The evening seemed to be going well until she went to the bathroom. When she came back, her demeanor had changed completely (I recently learned she had overheard some women in the bathroom commenting on how "cute" I was). Her overt hostility towards me working out has increased dramatically. The thing that is making me leave is that there is a fridge in the garage where I store my pre-made meals. I will make meals for two weeks, store/freeze them there, defrost, and then warm them up for meal time. I had just done two weeks' worth of meals, and she threw out the meals. I told her I was disgusted and done. This happened about six weeks ago. She has since come to me and tried to offer an explanation. Except that her explanation has made it worse. She is jealous because she used to get all this attention from other men, while I got no attention from other women and now, I get attention from other women and she gets no attention from other men. I asked her why she would even want attention from other men, and she could not explain it beyond, "it makes her feel good." I asked her how she would feel if I told her that I workout because I wanted attention from other women? She said she would assume I was cheating. She said she is willing to do counseling now. She had repeatedly tried to initiate sex and I have blocked those advances. AITA because I want to leave? submitted by /u/PictureDry6904 to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Available-Vast-5032 I saw a brother flirting with my girl and confronted him, what do I seriously do? Originally posted to r/Frat Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU MOOD SPOILER: disgust with the frat Editors Note: PM - Pledge Master TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity Original Post Aug 28, 2025 I’m a pledge at an SEC school and just got my bid last week. I’ve been trying to keep my head down and grind through pledging, but there’s this one active who has been giving me a hard time since day one. He singles me out during workouts, constantly calls me out, and just seems to have it out for me. I talked to my pledge master about it, and he basically told me to “deal with it,” so I’ve been trying to tough it out. Last night though, it got way worse. I walked into a party and saw this guy all over my girlfriend, like, arm around her waist, leaning in close, and she looked super uncomfortable. I went over, pulled him off her, and told him to back off. He immediately got in my face and looked like he was about to swing, but other brothers stepped in and pulled him away. Now I’m honestly stressed about what’s going to happen. I’m still pledging, he’s an active, and I don’t want to get blackballed or make things worse for myself, but I’m also not okay with him disrespecting me like that. What would you do in my shoes? TOP COMMENTS xSparkShark Insanely wack, I would question the quality of the brotherhood if they don’t come to you and apologize. You’re obviously bottom of the totem pole as a pledge, but getting touchy with a pledge’s girl is insanely out of pocket. Getting touchy with any girl in a way that makes them uncomfortable already should be taken seriously by the frat. ~ rkopptrekkie Dude woulda gotten jumped for that type of shit in my house brother or no. Going to swing on a pledge, especially after creeping on his lady? Definitely woulda been an issue. If your chapter lets that slide I would reconsider your position there. ~ MenAreStillGood Talk to your PM in a very direct and forthcoming way. Dude might have been putting on an act/thinking you were overreacting before. If other brothers did have to get him to stop charging at you, I’m sure the behavior isn’t a shock to anyone. Let him know about the incident, especially how he was making her uncomfortable, and how he tried to hit you. That shit wouldn’t fly in my chapter. Update Aug 30, 2025 Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Frat/comments/1n2mao2/i_saw_a_brother_flirting_with_my_girl_and/ Hey guys, so I posted a couple days ago about the active flirting with my now ex girlfriend. Figured I’d give an update. Turns out I wasn’t overreacting at all, my girlfriend straight up admitted she’d been hooking up with that active behind my back. Apparently it wasn’t the first time either. I guess when I saw him with her that night, he wasn’t just flirting, he was basically claiming his territory. I tried to bring it up to my pledge master again and even other actives. I thought maybe there’d be some accountability, but nah. He basically told me I was ‘overreacting,’ said I ‘made a scene,’ and that I should’ve handled it better. They acted like I was the crazy one for confronting him, even though he was messing with my girl. I got zero backup. At that point, I realized there was no way I’d ever be respected in that house, no matter how hard I pledged. I wasn’t about to spend months getting hazed for guys who don’t even have my back. This incident doesn't make me hate Greek life as a whole but I'm definitely not as enthusiastic about it anymore. I'm going to join some clubs and organizations on campus and hopefully make friends that way. FINAL COMMENTS annihilator61 You can do better bro. Glad you have respect for yourself. Fuck them ~ guap1219 Join a different fraternity that aren’t a bunch of pieces of shit. Brotherhood my ass, you deserve better ~ nerdpox Extremely low class move to fuck a pledge’s gf. Dodged a bullet with the house and the girl. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iamplayingfavorites Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole AITA for shutting someone down when they tried to talk to me at the gym? Trigger Warnings: harassment, invasion of privacy Original Post: June 23, 2025 So, for context, I (F32) don’t talk to anyone at my gym outside of saying hi and bye to the people who work there, and having polite etiquette when asking someone if they’re using something/saying thank you when they’re done. This is partially for efficiency, but mostly because I go to the gym stoned AF and I’m in my zone and I don’t want to talk to anyone. Last week, after my work out, I walked over to the food carts by my gym to pick up tacos. While I was there, some guy (M40+) stopped me and said he went to the same gym. I had never noticed him before but he like insisted on walking with me and was talking to me. I was kind of annoyed — just because you see me on the street with my headphones out doesn’t mean it’s an invitation to talk to me. I made small talk and tried to be polite. Got out as quick as I could. So the other day, when I’m at the gym foam rolling out with my headphones in, this guy just beelines to me while I’m trying to avoid eye contact, and squats down next to me to say hi and give me a fist bump. I give him a quick heads up acknowledge him but ignore the fist bump. Avoid eye contact the rest of the time I’m there. And then today, this guy comes into the gym and sees me. I immediately avoid eye contact and he doesn’t come up to me, so I think he gets the picture. But then, when I’m doing leg lifts, he comes over and tries to give me a fist bump. So I take out my headphone and I say “Look man, I don’t want to do this. I’m here to work out, I’m not here to make friends. I don’t want to talk to you, okay.” And he starts to say “I was just saying hi.” And I respond with “Yeah, I get it. Please don’t.” And put my headphone back in and kept working out. I realize anyone who saw this probably thought I was a giant AH. But, I don’t think someone’s need for connection overrides my need to have a good workout. So, AITAH? Verdict: Not the Asshole Relevant Comments Commenter 1: NTA, sounds like your usual type who thinks gyms are a place to pick people up and not in fact a place to work out. I do find it weird that you go to the gym stoned though, kind of like going to the pub first for a few beers. Downvoted Commenter: Yeah using gym equipment, especially weights, when you're on drugs seems crazy dangerous. OOP: I literally started going to the gym 15 years ago because I started getting stoned and listening to music. It’s my happy place and helps me focus on my breathing. But, yeah, I’ve gotten that reaction to it a lot! Commenter 2:NTA. Coming from a father, I hope my daughter has the boundaries you do when she’s grown. You don’t owe anyone your attention. You rock though! OOP: Coming from someone who lost their father young, this comment means the world to me. Happy belated Father’s Day! Commenter 3: Sometimes I think a gym should have wrist bands: one for those who want to socialize, another for those that want no interaction. Take the guess work out of who wants to be chatty? OOP: Love this idea, honestly! Downvoted Commenter: How do you feel about yourself? Probably not great, right? :/ OOP: Actually I feel great about setting boundaries. I finished my work out on a great note   UPDATE #1: (On the same post, same day, hours later For people saying this would have been different if he was an attractive guy. I stumble and get awkward no matter who it is if the conversation needs to go beyond more than a single question and response. Men, women, children. This isn’t a “want it” or “don’t want it” situation as much as it’s a “I’m not in a headspace where I can have human conversation.” For people saying this is the same type of person who wonders why guys don’t ask them out: I keep a little post it note in my gym bag that says “Hi, my name is (name). I think you’re cute, but I want to respect your gym time. Text me if you want to get coffee sometime.” I’ve never given it to anyone, but it’s there if I ever feel like I need it. Anyway, I’m at work. Hope everyone has a great day!   Final Update posted June 24, 2025/Same Post FINAL UPDATE: Wow. While I figured posting this might be a little divisive, I didn’t expect it to blow up like this. I went to the gym today and had one of the best workouts I’ve had in a long time — partly because I was fueled by the overwhelming support I received from people who understood the importance of asserting boundaries. So thank you to everyone who saw where I was coming from. For anyone who still thinks I’m the AH — I can live with that. But before I go, I want to share something that happened to me a couple of months ago. Maybe it’ll give you something to chew on. I was at the same gym, in the middle of isolated bicep curls. End of the rep, second-to-last set to failure. I was slowing the movement, fully concentrated, eyes closed. When I opened them — a stranger’s face was three inches from mine. Startled, I set the weight down and looked over to see a plump, middle-aged man in a baseball cap. I took out one of my headphones, still in shock, and all I could say was, “What the f***?!” He then grabbed my arms and forced them back onto the machine’s handles, saying “One more!” I pulled away and snapped, “Who the f*** do you think you are?” His face fell as he muttered, “I was just admiring your work.” I told him, “I’m in the middle of a f*ing set.” He got defensive, saying, “Actually, I wanted to use that.” I replied, “You can use it when I’m not in the middle of a set.” He rolled his eyes and walked off. I was left shaking. As I started to put my headphone back in, another man approached and waved. I took it back out, and he said, “You really shouldn’t have to put up with that.” I smiled and said thanks. He walked away. I got back to my set. Additional Comment from OOP responding to a comment about men invading her personal space OOP: I responded to someone’s message, and I think my response still fits your comment pretty well: Hi there. You sending your response here is fine. I haven’t responded to any others, but I can tell you took the time to put your position into words, and I want to honor that. To preface this, I’d like to say I am also a manager and have worked customer service my whole life. I have also navigated difficult (and sometimes scary) interactions between my employees/coworkers and customers. For multiple reasons, not least of all protecting the company from legal threats, deescalation and reporting that behavior is always the best route when we’re at work. First and foremost, I’d like to say that I would never expect a stranger to risk being stabbed or shot by standing up for someone else. The way these incidents play out are hugely influenced by set and setting, and I don’t think there’s a one size fits all solution on what someone should do. That being said, my situation took place in a gym: a public place that requires a membership, where people are generally dressed down, and weapons are prohibited. Your statement “My life isn’t worth making you feel like society is healing, or that those people are getting the justice they deserve.” is absolutely fair in a blanket statement — especially if that situation took place on the street or in an alley at night. But, in a gym where those possible dangers are drastically reduced, it feels like you’re both defending your inaction while hyperbolizing what I’m asking for. When I envision what I wish someone would have done, it’s not marching up and telling the dude off until he walks away from me. I just wish someone within that 6 foot radius would have taken out a headphone and said “Dude, WTF?” instead of staring at us watching it happen. I didn’t need a knight in shining armor, just a little backup so it’s not 1 v 1. It’s sad, but men like the one who put his hands on me generally back off the second they see another man involved. I’m not asking you to prove to me that society is healing or someone is getting justice. I’m just asking you to be a bro and back me up as I defend myself. I’m out here standing up for myself and trying to be the change I want to see in the world. Not to prove that society is healing, but just because I know it’s the right thing to do. The gym is my space just as much as it is anyone else who pays for it, and I’m not going to be scared or intimidated out of my happy place. I understand that you feel you’ve done your part, and since I don’t know you at all, I really am not one to say either way. But, just based on what you’ve said in your message, I would like to recommend something to you. There’s a comedian named Daniel Sloss who has a special on Max called “X”. It’s hilarious and it’s something I wish I could convince every man to watch. Every person, male and female, that I have shown it to have loved it. If you get the opportunity, I highly recommend. Cheers and have a great day, man! ⸻ Now here’s what I’ll say: Baseball Cap Guy was way more out of line than the guy who approached me at the food carts — even by the third time, when I finally snapped at him. I reported that incident to the gym manager. They took it seriously, walked through the whole event with me, and I gave the best description I could. I haven’t seen that man since. Whether he was banned or just stopped showing up, I don’t know. As for the guy from the food carts — he hasn’t approached me again. We’ve been in the same space at the gym a couple times, but I’m very good at pretending people don’t exist during workouts. I appreciate that he respected my boundaries. I see no reason to report him. ⸻ But here’s what I want to leave you with: The man who approached me right after that first incident — the one who said I shouldn’t have to put up with it — Why did he say that to me, instead of to him? Why is it easier to comfort a woman in distress than it is to call out the man who caused it? I do think he meant well. I appreciated it in the moment. But I still have to ask: When given the choice between verbally comforting a woman and actually intervening — Why do so many men choose comfort over protection? Why is it harder to confront predatory behavior than it is to empathize with its aftermath? That’s all I have to say. This will be my final update.   Editor’s note: marking this concluded per OOP as there would be no further updates   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

So, for context, I (F32) don’t talk to anyone at my gym outside of saying hi and bye to the people who work there, and having polite etiquette when asking someone if they’re using something/saying thank you when they’re done. This is partially for efficiency, but mostly because I go to the gym stoned AF and I’m in my zone and I don’t want to talk to anyone. Last week, after my work out, I walked over to the food carts by my gym to pick up tacos. While I was there, some guy (M40+) stopped me and said he went to the same gym. I had never noticed him before but he like insisted on walking with me and was talking to me. I was kind of annoyed — just because you see me on the street with my headphones out doesn’t mean it’s an invitation to talk to me. I made small talk and tried to be polite. Got out as quick as I could. So the other day, when I’m at the gym foam rolling out with my headphones in, this guy just beelines to me while I’m trying to avoid eye contact, and squats down next to me to say hi and give me a fist bump. I give him a quick heads up acknowledge him but ignore the fist bump. Avoid eye contact the rest of the time I’m there. And then today, this guy comes into the gym and sees me. I immediately avoid eye contact and he doesn’t come up to me, so I think he gets the picture. But then, when I’m doing leg lifts, he comes over and tries to give me a fist bump. So I take out my headphone and I say “Look man, I don’t want to do this. I’m here to work out, I’m not here to make friends. I don’t want to talk to you, okay.” And he starts to say “I was just saying hi.” And I respond with “Yeah, I get it. Please don’t.” And put my headphone back in and kept working out. I realize anyone who saw this probably thought I was a giant AH. But, I don’t think someone’s need for connection overrides my need to have a good workout. So, AITAH? UPDATE: For people saying this would have been different if he was an attractive guy. I stumble and get awkward no matter who it is if the conversation needs to go beyond more than a single question and response. Men, women, children. This isn’t a “want it” or “don’t want it” situation as much as it’s a “I’m not in a headspace where I can have human conversation.” For people saying this is the same type of person who wonders why guys don’t ask them out: I keep a little post it note in my gym bag that says “Hi, my name is (name). I think you’re cute, but I want to respect your gym time. Text me if you want to get coffee sometime.” I’ve never given it to anyone, but it’s there if I ever feel like I need it. Anyway, I’m at work. Hope everyone has a great day! FINAL UPDATE: Wow. While I figured posting this might be a little divisive, I didn’t expect it to blow up like this. I went to the gym today and had one of the best workouts I’ve had in a long time — partly because I was fueled by the overwhelming support I received from people who understood the importance of asserting boundaries. So thank you to everyone who saw where I was coming from. For anyone who still thinks I’m the AH — I can live with that. But before I go, I want to share something that happened to me a couple of months ago. Maybe it’ll give you something to chew on. I was at the same gym, in the middle of isolated bicep curls. End of the rep, second-to-last set to failure. I was slowing the movement, fully concentrated, eyes closed. When I opened them — a stranger’s face was three inches from mine. Startled, I set the weight down and looked over to see a plump, middle-aged man in a baseball cap. I took out one of my headphones, still in shock, and all I could say was, “What the f***?!” He then grabbed my arms and forced them back onto the machine’s handles, saying “One more!” I pulled away and snapped, “Who the f*** do you think you are?” His face fell as he muttered, “I was just admiring your work.” I told him, “I’m in the middle of a f*ing set.” He got defensive, saying, “Actually, I wanted to use that.” I replied, “You can use it when I’m not in the middle of a set.” He rolled his eyes and walked off. I was left shaking. As I started to put my headphone back in, another man approached and waved. I took it back out, and he said, “You really shouldn’t have to put up with that.” I smiled and said thanks. He walked away. I got back to my set. ⸻ Now here’s what I’ll say: Baseball Cap Guy was way more out of line than the guy who approached me at the food carts — even by the third time, when I finally snapped at him. I reported that incident to the gym manager. They took it seriously, walked through the whole event with me, and I gave the best description I could. I haven’t seen that man since. Whether he was banned or just stopped showing up, I don’t know. As for the guy from the food carts — he hasn’t approached me again. We’ve been in the same space at the gym a couple times, but I’m very good at pretending people don’t exist during workouts. I appreciate that he respected my boundaries. I see no reason to report him. ⸻ But here’s what I want to leave you with: The man who approached me right after that first incident — the one who said I shouldn’t have to put up with it — Why did he say that to me, instead of to him? Why is it easier to comfort a woman in distress than it is to call out the man who caused it? I do think he meant well. I appreciated it in the moment. But I still have to ask: When given the choice between verbally comforting a woman and actually intervening — Why do so many men choose comfort over protection? Why is it harder to confront predatory behavior than it is to empathize with its aftermath? That’s all I have to say. This will be my final update. submitted by /u/iamplayingfavorites to r/AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TrainingDistance4448 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for telling a woman at the gym that she's embarrassing herself? Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, obsessive behavior, stalking, racism, falsifying accusations Mood Spoilers: scary and frustrating Original Post: June 2, 2025 I go to the gym a lot. About sixish months ago I noticed a woman I'll call Andrea. That's not her name, but it will be for the rest of this post. I don't know if Andrea started going to the gym six months ago or if that's just when I noticed her. Full disclosure, I spoke to her first, but I had no way of knowing what the result would be. A lot of the machines at this gym have little entertainment systems attached to them that can access local channels. I got on a treadmill and realized the TV on the treadmill wasn't working. Andrea was walking past and I said "hey, do you know if there's an issue with the cable? This TV isn't working, but I don't know if it's just this one or all of them." She said the same thing happened to her on a different machine. I thanked her. That was the whole interaction. A week later she asked me for some electrolyte powder for her water. I said I didn't have any. She was cool with that and asked me how long I'd been coming to the gym and what I did for work. I answered and returned her questions. She said she was new to the area and worked in private security. We had a few more chill conversations after that. Six weeks ago she asked me out. For reasons I won't get into here, I wasn't interested. I declined. She said not to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we don't work out. I said that wasn't the issue, just not looking to date right now. She kept talking to me, and at first I kept talking to her, but I started to think something might be wrong, and I started avoiding her. Two weeks ago she walked up to me while I was on a machine with only one way to properly dismount that involved stepping into whete she was standing. She asked if I was avoiding her. I said I was and apologized. I said I just don't want to date right now. She said I don't have to avoid her to not date her. I said okay. I kept avoiding her though. Tonight while I was working out she confronted me again about avoiding her. I had a bad day and told her to leave me alone. She asked why I'm being such a prick, and I said because I wanted her to leave me alone. I then said that she was embarrassing herself and needs to stop. She put her foot on top of the weights, and I thought she was going to press down on them, so I let go of the bar very quickly, causing the weights to slam and make a loud noise. Several people looked over. She said "now who's embarrassing himself?" and walked away. Did I go to far by saying that? Do I owe her an apology? Update: I went in early this morning for a run and told the front desk staff about Andrea putting her foot on the weights. They said they would talk to her. Then, after work, I went in again for a regular workout. I was working on my legs when she walked up to my machine. The first thing she did was apologize about the weights. I don't know if someone talked to her or if that was of her own initiative. I accepted her apology and apologized for saying she was embarrassing herself. She said she forgave me, but if I wanted to really make it up to her I could buy her a drink and she would buy me one too to make up for the weights. I said maybe we should buy our own drinks (meaning separately at different places and times) and she misunderstood me and asked when and where. I told her I meant that I didn't want to go out with her. She said this wouldn't be a date but a reset for our friendship. I said I didn't want to be friends. She said I was being a douche and asked what my problem is. I said the weight incident made me uncomfortable, and I would rather us just give each other space. She then asked me if my problem with her is that she's Hispanic. I was so taken aback. I didn't even know she was until she said that. I said no, that she just makes me uncomfortable. She wanted me to explain what about her made me uncomfortable, and I tried to do so, but she argued with every point I made. I got frustrated and told her to just stay away from me. She said fine and that I have a lot of maturing to do. Then she walked away. I'm hoping that's the end of it. Relevant Comments OOP on why he doesn't want to get in a relationship OOP: She's just not my type. Even if she was, I don't want to get into a relationship right now. My last relationship lasted three years, and I need to remember how to be single before I hop right back into another relationship. Commenter 1: "Something might be wrong" what do you mean? OOP: I don't know how to explain it. I almost felt like she was having a completely different conversation with me than I was having with her. She seemed inappropriately enthusiastic. That's the best way I can think to say it. Downvoted Commenter: Dude, she just moved into the area, probably lonely and doesn't know anyone I'm guessing, did she ask you out on like a friend hang out type deal or was it a proper date? OOP: It was a date. She asked me if I wanted to get a drink with her sometime, and when I declined she said I don't need to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we "don't work out" romantically, and I had to decline a second time. Commenter 2: Good for you on taking a breather. NTA by the way. She either has severe mental health issues or hasn't been socialized properly. No "normal" person would ever put you in that position. I make every excuse I can when I'm not interested in someone, but when someone can't take a hint you do eventually have to disregard their feelings. I mean, think about it. She disregarded yours. OOP: That is a good way to think about it. I hadn't considered that part. Thank you. Commenter 3: I wouldn't go to the police RN because you've only just told her to leave you alone. But if gym management doesn't stop it then yeah I would go to the police. Harassment is harassment. If you were a girl and she was a guy who worked in security who also put their foot on your equipment people would be really concerned- rightly so. OOP: That's kind of a different situation. I have at least sixty pounds on her. It's not like she can follow me to my car and beat me up one night. What she did was dangerous and creepy, but what could she really do that's worse? Maybe drop a weight on my toe, but I can't think of anything else. It's not like she knows where I live.   Update: June 8, 2025 (six days later) Summary of previous post (skip this paragraph if you read that post): A woman at my gym, Andrea (fake name) asked me out after some normal not at all romantic interactions. I turned her down and shortly after I stated getting a weird vibe from her and started avoiding her. She confronted me about avoiding her twice, and the second time I said she was embarrassing herself, after which she put her foot on the weight stack of the machine I was using, causing me to let go of the bar really quickly and slam the weights. I initially thought I was the asshole for my rude comment, and most posters said I actually under reacted and should talk to gym management, which I did, after which Andrea confronted me again and asked me out again. I turned her down, we argued briefly and she said I needed to grow up. Actual Update: Andrea is banned from the gym! I was running on the treadmill and watching TV. She came up to talk to me, and I ignored her, staring at the TV. She raised her voice and I continued to ignore her. She reached out and pulled the safety tab out of the treadmill (the one you connect to your wrist so the treadmill stops if you fall), causing the treadmill to come to a sudden stop. I tripped and fell onto the controls and TV, scratching my chin on the top of the screen. I went to the front desk with Andrea following me. I told them what she did. She kept trying to interrupt me and talk over me, but the woman at the front desk told her to be quiet and wait her turn. I told her Andrea pulled out the safety tab while I was running and injured me. The woman at the front desk then asked Andrea what happened. Andrea said I was "staring into the middle distance" like I was in some kind of "fuage state" and she thought I was having a medical episode so she pulled the tab. The woman at the front desk asked for her membership card. Andrea didn't want to give it to her, but the woman at the front desk said if she didn't she would ban her. Andrea gave her the card and the woman at the front desk said to leave and she was suspended for a month. Andrea objected and got into an argument with the woman at the front desk that escalated into Andrea calling the woman an N word B word. So she was banned permanently. I hesitate to call that a happy ending because the poor gym employee had to put up with racial harassment, but I won't deny getting to watch her cut up Andrea's membership card felt good. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Still NTA. Andrea proved herself to be crazy, with a side of racist. OOP: And the irony is that SHE accused ME of being racist for not wanting to date her. Commenter 2: I’m guessing she doesn’t get told No very often. I’m glad it had a safe ending OOP: Thank you. I am too. Now that it's all over I'm starting to process it. The whole thing was so crazy. My heart rate is up higher than it ever gets when I run, which is nuts. Commenter 3: Hmm. If you see her again and she acts creepy it’s worthy of reporting to police. Just pay attention to your surroundings in case she stalks you OOP: She's banned from the gym, so I doubt I'll see her again. She doesn't know where I work or live. OOP on his race and Andrea's race OOP: She said she's Hispanic. I'm not going to tell you what race I am. Downvoted Commenter: Seriously, this is honestly your response. If so, you aren’t actually into women. You may not know it yet, but you aren’t. It’s a completely normal question for a person to ask is this crazed psycho who is trying to date you is Hot or not. Every straight male is thinking the exact same thing. OOP: I date women. I recently left a three year relationship with a woman, and she could tell you that I definitely like women. I just don't think women are defined solely by their appearance. I'll give you an example. I have this friend I grew up with. She is objectively very beautiful. Many men (and women) have told her so. While I can see that she is beautiful, the first thing I think when I see her is "that's my friend that I love dearly" not "that's an attractive woman that's probably good at sex." I have never been attracted to her because we treat each other like siblings. Conversely, in this situation, even if Andrea was my type (which she isn't) and I was looking to get into another relationship (which I'm not right now) it still wouldn't matter because her behavior towards me was so off-putting. She could look like Allyson Hannigan (an actress I think is particularly attractive) and it wouldn't matter because I don't date women that put people in physical danger when they're upset. Commenter 4: INFO: Are you okay from the injury? NTA, but just be careful. I’ve had jarring injuries while running from having to unexpectedly stop on a dime, and, while it felt okay at the time, it caused a stability-related injury next workout. OOP: I'm okay. It's just a scratch.   Update: Andrea the gym nut: June 12, 2025 (four days later) Sorry for the incomprehensible post. I posted this last night when I was drunk. I'll rewrite it to explain what happened. Last night I went to a bar near my apartment to meet up with some friends. The three of us were drinking and having a good time when Andrea walked up. I never saw her enter the bar. I only noticed her when she was in front of us. She greeted me and said it was good to see me and leaned in to try to kiss me. I pushed her away from me and she fell, but one of my friends caught her. She started yelling and asking what the fuck is wrong with me. I told her to stay away from me and not come any closer. She asked if I was embarrassed of her and didn't want my friends to see her. I said this is the third time you've tried to assault me and I want you to stay away from me. At that point the bouncer showed up to ask what was going on. Andrea said I pushed her. I tried to explain that she tried to kiss me and is stalking me, but I was drunk and not doing a great job. My friends also tried to explain that I was innocent, but they were also drunk. Security kicked me out of the bar. My friends walked me home. I am definitely going to try to get a restraining order. This has gone way too far. Top Comments Commenter 1: she is literally stalking you and it's going to just get worse. if she tries to follow you again PLEASE call the police. ask your gym for video footage of andrea purposely sabotaging your workouts, purposely trying to injure you and following you around. this situation is insane and escalating from following you around the gym to full on intruding into your personal life. does she have any of your social media? if so, definitely block her, as clearly she's starting to learn your patterns and outside hobbies. be safe!! Commenter 2: Might be a stretch but you should inform your workplace that you have a woman harassing you in retaliation for being rejected and banned from the gym after she escalated to violent and dangerous behaviour. If she found you in a bar (assuming it wasn’t a coincidence) then she can find out where you work and try to sabotage your job and reputation. And go to the police. Commenter 3: Now that it’s gone beyond the gym, you need to start the process of getting a restraining order. She’s unhinged as fuck, you need to get the law on your side. Go back to the bar on a different night and ask for the manager. Explain the situation and the context - make sure to mention that you’re in the process of taking out a restraining order against her for stalking and harassment. Try and clear your name, you were with friends and a woman walked in and immediately created a scene - but YOU were kicked out?? Nah I’d be fighting that, that’s some bullshit.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwra_manly I (42m) left my wife (42f) after she kept making comments about me not being manly enough and not sure I did the right thing? Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/offmychest Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/Time_Excitement668 for suggesting this BoRU TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse, misandry, homophobia Original Post Dec 14, 2024 We’d been together since we were 18. She was my first everything where as she’d been with a few people before me. We have an 18 year old daughter together who is and amazing brilliant and kind person, I couldn’t have asked for a better kid. The last few years my wife has been making the odd comment about my manliness etc and I’ve just brushed it off but she’s really stepped it up the last year and I ended up leaving her about three months ago over it. I don’t want this to sound like a humble brag but I do think I’m quite “manly” while also just being a normal person. I’m tall, workout a few times a week, I can do any DIY around the house, I can fix cars, i used to be an amateur boxer and cage fighter and still do it as a hobby to keep fit. The things she said that aren’t manly about me are: I like to bake I like to cook I don’t drink, I don’t care if other people do it’s just not for me I like Taylor Swift, Charlie XCX, Arianna Grande, Sabrina Carpenter etc. my main choice in music will always be rap but having a teenager daughter these sort of artists get played and I like some of their songs so I listen to them. I don’t see that as a bad thing I have a powerful car and a motorbike but my preferred method of transport is a VW Up. It’s a small car with a little engine but if it’s just me and my gym bag or work bag I don’t see the problem plus I’m not one of them who feels like a car someone drives means anything. My ex wife disagreed and said I give off a certain vibe in it. I tend to walk away from arguments with strangers. She perceives any slight as personal insult. If you cut in front of her in traffic she’s leaning on the horn, don’t say thank you if you hold a door open, she’s screaming and shouting at you. I just prefer to let things slide. An example is someone was being obnoxious to me on a night out for no reason. He was in my face calling me all sorts of names and even pushed me a couple of times. I just smiled at him and walked away saying I hope he gets home safely. When we got home she said I embarrassed her in front of her friends by letting him talk to me like that. I said what’s the point of me knocking out a drunk kid who’s half my size. She said I’m a doormat for the world. There’s a few other things mainly connected to stuff me and my daughter have in common around stupid social media videos. She said it’s like living with two teenage girls In September I left her. I said I can’t be spoken to like this anymore and be belittled. It’s not fair. Even then she had a dig and said a real man would change. She’s changed her tune since and said she’s willing to go to therapy both individual and couples and try and sort out her issues. I don’t know if the cuts from things she’s said are too deep though? Since I’ve left I’ve felt more relaxed and happier. I don’t have to worry when I put a song on or want to bake a cake or cook something a bit different what would be said etc. At the same time though it’s scary as she’s all I’ve known and being alone and meeting new people scare the life out of me as I’ve never done that before. Everything is telling me I’m on the right path now but I have a niggling doubt in my head that all those words she spoke about me are true and I am an annoying person that will be alone forever. TLDR: I left my wife for constantly questioning my manliness and now I’m scared of the future. Edit: sorry to everyone I didn’t get a chance to reply to. Thank you all so much for all the love. I’m genuinely humbled. RELEVANT COMMENTS When asked what started this OOP I have no idea what triggered it. A few years ago the comments started but they’ve really ramped up the last year to 18 months. I did suspect an affair but I’m not sure. ContributionTricky65 There’s probably some underlying insecurity within herself that’s making her project this onto you. “Manliness” doesn’t really mean anything. She’s holding you to an arbitrary definition of what she thinks a man “should be”, but there’s really no answer to that. You don’t have to prove yourself. This is her issue, not yours. I think it’s pretty “manly” to bond with your daughter, pursue hobbies that make you happy, and listen to your needs. She needs to know that you felt a weight off your shoulders without her frequent judgements if you’re going to try and make it work. OOP I don’t know whether it’s some social media she’s consumed or what but seems to think all men should be beer swilling hot heads all the time. ~ Priapism911 Op, what she doesn't understand, it takes a man to be able to walk away and laugh off insults. It's pretty easy to fight. Don't take her back. I feel bad for your daughter, her lack of being raised by a good woman. I guess she was good at some point and just rotted away. Did she get any new friends that might have been whispering in her ear? Maybe seeing some dude whispering in her ear? OOP That’s exactly what I said. Without bigging myself up that guy who was causing me trouble would have been little effort for me to hurt but what’s the point. My ego and pride aren’t that shallow that I feel the need to prove myself against someone who poses no danger to me. It’s been the last 5-10 years and I don’t want to blame social media but it’s definitely been since she started consuming more Instagram and TikTok. ~ Mueryk You literally said you are happier and more relaxed alone than when you were with her. Okay, so say you end up alone. Still an improvement over what you had. Don’t stay with her for your kid or because it’s what’s familiar, only do it if you truly want to be there. And if you DO that, then set hard boundaries that aren’t negotiable and broadcast that prior to even trying counseling with her. Because she was belittling you and you deserve better than that. Maybe she can get there, but you and only you can decide if she is worth that effort and risk to you. OOP You are right. I know I’m on the right path and it feels better knowing others agree. When asked about marriage counseling When she mentioned couples counselling the first time she said “so someone else can help me make you the man I need” which I immediately called out. She’s now said it’s so she can work on her own problems with how she thinks men should be. Update March 30, 2025 Hi all. I received a lot of love on my first post and had a few people ask for an update so here we are over three months later. First and foremost I didn’t get back with her and the divorce is now in motion. Our daughter is very understanding says I seem lot happier and more relaxed. My ex wife kept asking me back until about a month ago she announced she’s seeing a 23 year old and when I felt relief rather than hurt or jealousy I fully realised I am over her. Not really much else to report. I’m still baking and cooking and boxing and cage fighting lol. I’ve got tickets to go see Sabrina carpenter with my daughter and we also got tickets to go see Kendrick Lamar so I still like my rap and my teen girl pop lol. I also want to say a big thank you to everyone who commented and messaged me after my last post. You were all so sweet and it was both humbling and gave me a massive big head lol. Thank you all TLDR: I’m good. RELEVANT COMMENTS Extension_Way3724 "My husband isn't manly enough because he drives a little car to his cage fighting matches, and listens to hyperpop while he fixes that little car with his bare hands, bloodied from the aforementioned cage fighting. Also I hate it when he makes me cakes" Brother I think your ex wife might be insane OOP Haha that is quite a good way of summing it up I guess. It is nice to drive my little car and listen to Espresso without being called “gay as fuck” although I might get a window sticker that says that lol. ~ kairain She's dating someone so young to try and make you jealous... That's... Pathetic. Enjoy the baking and cage fighting! cuttiepuffjunior It's also so gross. The guy she's dating is 5 years older than her daughter 🤢 OOP They also went to the same secondary school and he was in his last year there while she was in her first year. In the school photo where all 1000 kids are together she shown me them both stood near each other. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not the Original Poster. OOP is u/SadWife148 and they posted on r/AITAH They have since deleted their account Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old. Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the post recommendation Editor's Note: mild editing for readability Trigger Warning: misogyny AITAH for telling husband it was his choice to open our marriage and I am not closing it. December 12, 2024 I 40f married my husband 42 m 18 years back. We have one daughter 16 f and son 14 m. We met in college and felt in love. My husband lost his parents in accident and as friend I consoled him and we became close. We are from same city and he lived around ten kms from my house. So we just clicked. Our marriage has our own share of ups and downs but financially we are in good place. I own a house gifted by my parents and he inherited his parents house after their passing away. I run my own bridal boutique and make good money. He is insurance head. We have bought multiple properties and build our future together and for our children. We also have created mutuals will, in case one parent has to pass away, his or her share of assets will go to our children only, irrespective of living parent marrying again or not. Last year my husband started distancing and I was worried. He started ignoring me, stopped getting physical etc. In end he told me, he find me fat, ugly and he doesn't get a turn on. I was so busy in raising kids and my business that i stopped caring about it. He said he doesn't wanna destroy the family but he wants to have sex outside marriage. He said he wont be hypocrite and I can do same. I cried and begged but he didn't listen. After weeks of crying and self pity. I accepted this proposal. I also started working out and guys in gym started hitting on me. I have had my share of hookups and fun. But finally I am getting along with a man who is 35. He treats me on dates and sex is good. I also changed my dressing from traditional to more western and sexy and have lost weight. I have nice curves too. My husband luckily or sadly didn't have such luck. He is tall and all, but he overrated his chances. He got hookups here n there. But barely they repeated him. He thought he can woo girls with money. But girls today are independent and can't be wooed with money only. I was going on dates when my kids were at my parents and he was pissed. He said not to go. I didn't care and went. Now he is saying he wanna close this marriage and I just laughed at him. I told this is the arrangement he wanted and I am honouring it. I am enjoying the attention these hunks give me and it's not my fault women don't want him. He started calling me names and I called him a manwhor*. He is threatening divorce and i am fine with it because our laws favour woman more. I pointed that to him. He started crying and begging to close the marriage again. But I am refusing. Edit - 35 m is in divorce process and our country take years to have divorce if wife isn't consenting. We are taking it slow. But he is amazing man Aitah? Edit - our children have no idea and we are involved parents. Stop stressing about them. Also planning to get divorce when both are in college. Ps who think it's fake. u can believe what u want to. I don't have to prove anything here. I am here for judgement Edit. I had to add people who r blaming me for staying fat. Despite both working, my evenings went to teaching kids and taking care of household. He thought its woman's job to do so. He was only fun dad. In the mornings I had to prepare breakfast for all. I had house help for cleaning and dishes, but I barely had time to workout. Now I have hired cook and kids who can take care of themselves. It gives me free time to work on myself. If he wanted a model, he could've reduced his tummy and his daily sports and helped me as well, thank you Edit men in comment section victimizing my husband. Expected. Keep barking 😵 Relevant Comments: zonked282: Has there ever been a guy who requested to open up the marriage who wasn't vastly over estimating his chances with women 😂 DiaryOfACanadian: Oof. NTA. It’s not really opening the marriage if you didn’t want, he just really wanted to cheat on you without consequences. I get the feeling that even if you didn’t agree he’d still shoot his shot with other women. But I’d go ahead and get that divorce, he doesn’t respect your opinion or care about hurting you. NTA. Move on with someone that treats you like a person. YouMightBeARacist: ESH. He’s a douche bag, but it sucks that you only took care of your body once you wanted to attract other men. It’s sucks that he called you ugly, but you did something about it not to gain his attention back but to gain others. And for that, you’re all assholes. Poor kids. Update December 15, 2024 Well I realized there is no point in petty revenge. As kids were at my parents house. We discussed plans and I told him I have no love n respect for him left. Nor i find him attractive anymore. I told him if he wanna make a tough divorce process, he will lose more as our laws are very tough on men. So let's make an easy divorce with fair division of properties where I contributed more anyways. There were tears and begging, but I stood firm and asked for a divorce. I showed him proof and said if he ever tried to shame me in front of kids, I had his visual and text proofs with me too. So we called a truce. Next day we involved our lawyers ( neighbours family friends ) and draw up our property and fund division verbally. It was quite clear. The martial house is mine. He is moving to his inherited house few kms away. We have acquired multiple properties and we will divide them on value. The savings will be divided. And we have our retirement plans. He also blurted out that he has a young widow gf. I said good luck and happy life. We told our kids that we love them. But we r going to divorce. Ofc they were devastated. But we assured them that we r here for them forever and will co parent. They are still upset and we will hire a therapist to make process smoother for them. Also my fwb divorce process is going and I told him about mine. He said to get serious about our relationship. I don't know if it's love or not, but I like him and we are gonna take it slow. I want my kids to be 18 before i marry again. Note he was already in divorce process for years, even before we started hanging out. So nope I am not a home wrecker. Ps. To all crybaby men who were crying for my husband and asking me why I didn't loose weight. Wakeup 5 am in morning, do the chores for lazy man and kids, then go to work, come evening do chores again till night and then tell me about working out. You just couldn't handle a woman giving same dose of medicine to a man. And blamed me more and gave him very less blame. This shows your double standards. I only became fat birthing his children. Birth do things to ur body. What about his hairy tummy? Without birthing or any medical issues? I hired a cook from my personal fun money since he didn't wanna contribute for it. That's why I didn't hire her earlier as it was causing issues to our budget. I took the hit after he called me fat and ugly. I hope your fathers and sons do same to their wives and then u can lecture me. So if you live in 1950 where wife should look sexy, do chores, birth your kids and be available as maid. Then you are as pathetic. So fuck you--you are male chauvinist pigs! And anyone who think it is fake. I don't owe u anything anyways Edit and someone said my English is genz. Guess what--It's not my first language and we used whtsapp outside America we like such abbreviations. Shocking? Age isn't a factor here. I'm a business shop owner. My dealings are in local language. I studied in Hindi medium school and English is self learnt. It must be shocking for westerners to realize world doesn't need to learn everything aspect of English. Also deleting my account. For men and pigs: Keep seething N cope in my comment section. Women can make u cry in ur game if they want. We don't because we value our family and kids. But try them and hurt them. They can best u at ur own game. Decided not to delete I'd. Trash racist western men r crying in my comment section. Their tears give me joy. Keep 😭 Relevant Comments: JAndroo: I'm a man and I have literally zero respect for men who complain about fat women or a fat partner while being a fat lazy POS themselves lol. They complain like "why don't women like gamers or men who play with legos" my guy there are men with loving partners who do that. It's the fact you have a double standard of putting all your time into your hobbies while being out of shape while expecting a partner who is in shape. PerfectionPending: I’ll never understand men that don’t comprehend the gap in ability to find casual sex partners between men & women. If his wife is a female 6-7 then he needs to be a male 10 to get the same play on the casual sex market. And to jump to wanting to step out of the marriage rather than saying, “hey babe, let’s work on getting healthier and in shape together” is just a sign you don’t deserve that person. teachatthebeach: As someone who was in a number of swinger and poly groups, I was constantly amazed at the contrast between women second guessing themselves and their sad self-esteem (and I mean, there was no difference between women who were conventionally unattractive and women who were stunning), and the unbelievable confidence every cishet dude walked in with, positive that pussy was about to rain down upon him. It was hilarious to me every single time that the women got so much more attention and he would just be sitting there, alone and confused, with his sad dick out. Every. Single. Time. Editor's Note: As OOP alludes to, some people believed this was fake. Looking at OOP's other posts (prior to her deleting the account) she was consistent in language and tone, but whether the story and events are true, I'll leave that judgement to you. FortuneTellingBoobs: Congrats on losing about 180lbs in one day! Best wishes to your kids and to you in your new life. Your ex is probably trying to make you jealous talking about his young gf. Don't even pay it any mind. The best revenge is living well, and you're doing it! ItalianIce603: Fake. You called lawyers and got them together the next day?? 😂 hpff_robot: Magical three days before update. Creative writing is fun when people take the rage bait. Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7. submitted by /u/swtogirl to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/themachucajr My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship” Originally posted to r/Marriage Previous BoRU TRIGGER WARNING: possible controlling behavior Original Post May 7, 2024 My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages. However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that. We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this. I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home. I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household. In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant. We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity. Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it. tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice. RELEVANT COMMENTS/MISSING REASONS Commenters looked at his history and found they were swingers We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue. I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful. If this is a consequence of swinging This issue existed long before the lifestyle. & I agree that swinging wasn’t a solution in the end. Never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case, we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at the conclusion that “myself” is the problem and she has no problem with other men, we would amicably part ways. However this wasn’t the case. She didn’t like sex nor intimacy there either. She was very much in control of that whole swinging situation. And yes, I went along with it. What gives? It felt very organic and it was her “effort” if you will, to discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I’m the problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn’t the case. Six years of miser sound awful. I would very much hate that. OOP on if the this started when the swinging ended Finally a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. You’re absolutely right about the fact that the swinging experience had things/changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example, the best thing swinging taught us (even above sexual exploration) was the level of transparent and open communication it requires. We would literally have mental orgasms having dialog with such intentionality. We implemented that in ALL our lives and areas including parenting with our children. She even agrees that we’re thankful for that takeaway from our swinging. Honestly, I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes, we explored swinging, however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop, it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so. In fact, we met with that couple who we mesh super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. So it wasn’t because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn’t any better and since she’s not enjoying the sex we both agreed there’s no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we’re still friends with those people because it’s great. All that said I know, more often than not, swinging causes massive issues. However, this was something we explored in pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as taking a “practical” approach to trying to solve the problem. Update May 15, 2024 Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/YlSDQ4nogk I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation. One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experience sever poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships. For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree. At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually. Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post). I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page. I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging. I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome. Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional. Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it." She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues. We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course. We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less." This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own. I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen. I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better. Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best. TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples. RELEVANT COMMENTS CatsGambit So, I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you are both going 50/50 on childcare, as you both work and share children. Because otherwise, this approach is just plain financially abusive (and if you're planning on saying "I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me", sexually abusive as well). Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total POS, I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated, similar situation- we both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together, have barely any intimacy (a kiss or two, hugs every couple days), and spend.... maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us (him, me, and the toddler). Even less just the two of us- maybe 3 hours a week? Otherwise, he is on his game, or out playing sports, watching youtube, or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friends situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it, as the spouse that presumably was pulling away first- I hope you keep us updated. OOP Yes we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50/50 was not to cripple nor hurt her financially (that is cruel) but mostly to send a message on what a “roommate” dynamic looks like in the real world. I really dislike how people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances as a way of manipulating her. It’s not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills. However 50/50 means she has less “whatever” money AND the understanding that roommates share everything equally. Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We always saw ourselves as a “unit” that do things together. Both alone and with the kids too. That’s changed now where I’m choosing to focus on more independent type of pastimes and focus. That is what has sparked her reaction and realization of “there’s more” than just roommates here. ~ TheLoneJackal How does one dump half of the household expenses on the other person if they share a bank account? Or are your finances kept separately? Just curious how this would work if applied to my life. OOP Excellent question. We shared everything. The proposed 50/50 was suggesting we place the necessary amount to pay bills in the same account and any leftover money can be deposited to a new account. I think this is why she was very upset. She felt a huge loss of control knowing she won’t be able to monitor my finances. Also, she felt a huge loss in her left over money with this arrangement and saw that I would keep significantly more of my own. This is still being worked out because I think she is calling my bluff here but my plan is to notify her next week as I modify my direct deposit and open a new account. It will definitely be more real there. TO BE CLEAR (for all the trolls here) yes, she will have less leftover money after responsibilities and it’s still enough to live on. EXAMPLE (for reference): Assume I make $3000 a month, she makes $1000 a month. Responsibilities are $1000 a month. So she’d contribute $500 and I would contribute $500. Where before she would contribute only $250. This is the last comment I’ll add regarding money and finances. She’s fine and she’s not hurting. I PROMISE When asked what if she leaves for another man Interesting. She has no shortage of men hitting on her and we’re by no means jealous people. So I’ve witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say, if another man for her was the answer, she’d tell me or she’d have some inkling maybe? There’s no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person. & You might be right. And if this is the case, so be it. However, I’ll live with peace knowing I left no stone left unturned. CRAZY THOUGHT: I know I would be disappointed and saddened if she did leave for another man that would accept the bare minimum BUT I’d also feel a peace knowing it’s not all my fault (I know I’m responsible in some way to some degree. That’s just marriage). I know sadness and depressing will creep but we’ll both overcome but if this does happen at least there will be clear reasons and clarity as to why it did. Also, I know for a fact it she wouldn’t cheat. We’re both very blunt open and transparent. She would definitely tell me that she wants to step out on our marriage before it actually happens. As would I. We owe ourselves this respect for each other and we actively practice it. NEW UPDATE Update 2 July 19, 2024 I debated for a long time on whether to submit an update on this matter. A few significant changes have taken place and I felt it would be good to not only share with you, but also to allow myself to process all of this in a uniform way. We're now almost 9 weeks in on the 180 method I mentioned I was starting and it started to render some positive reactions from my wife. I explained in the previous posts that she started to notice things that she previously took for granted, started to ask more about my whereabouts and also started to notice I would go out with the kids more often without her and she started to invite herself to which I didn't decline. So much has changed and it has changed for what seems to be for the better. This past Memorial Day weekend, my wife asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee because she wanted to talk to me about something. This was HUGE, because I can't recall when the last time my wife asked to "talk" to me about something important. I must admit, I was very nervous and worried about what this could be about and my mind was racing with the plethora of scenarios of what it could possibly be. Of course I agreed and we took some time away from the kids to have this conversation at a local coffee shop. The talk was very constructive in nature. There was a ton of insightful information about herself that helped me further understand where she is in life both emotionally and mentally. We summarized what the core issues we are encountering are and she asked me for help! This is NEW, and I cannot tell you how excited I was hearing something so sincere coming from my wife who for the last 2+ years has been absent. So, after she was through sharing all her thoughts, I proposed a plan that I felt was right for us. This is something that I had been thinking about these last few weeks and I was planning on bringing this up in a few months if I noticed that things were not changing for the better. This "date" felt like the right place to share it since it goes hand in hand with what she talked about, and it also relates to the help she was asking me for. I started by first acknowledging her feelings and her concerns. I told her they are valid and how she feels is personal to her and that I care that she feels this way because I don't like the thought of her being sad or depressed. I also told her that my goal still is and will always be for us to reconcile and be the "happily ever after" we vowed to be for each other and that my love for her is as strong, if not stronger, as it was the day we said "I Do." I continued the conversation by telling her how I felt about the whole situation (read my previous posts for details) and how it affects me every day. I also clarified some things that she mentioned she was feeling because how I have been very distant and monotone (transactional) lately. I explained to her that I was very much trying to protect my feelings and emotions from the rejection and neglect and that it wasn't personal, it was simply me safeguarding myself because I cannot control her, I can only control myself. This was a perfect segue way to the core of this approach which is focused on self accountability. I told her that for the longest time I was always working hard to make her happy and do things that I knew she enjoyed or wanted. However, I was always met with rejection and disappointment which caused a load of stress on me. I explained to her that I had to make a change for myself. Afterall, I can only control myself and make the changes that I want for myself. I mentioned how I was starting to implement new habits and routines that help edify me all while still executing all of our shared responsibilities including parenting, finances, and daily living activities. I explained that the goal is to continue to improve myself both as a husband and father, learn more, and be healthier (among other things). She was very receptive to this. She told me that she sees what I'm doing and that she is proud of the changes she has seen. She also told me how she's starting to realize that she feels left behind and that much of the things that have affected her negatively are her own fault. Toward the end of the conversation which was about 3 hours, there was a very high spirit of reconciliation in the room. I told her that my goal is to ultimately make this work, however I was very clear that I was not going to live under the current circumstances. I told her that my heart wants her to be happy even if it means elsewhere and that I also deserve to be happy myself. I also explained that I do not want our children to grow up thinking this was ok or normal because they deserve better as well. She told me she doesn't either, she told me she doesn't know what to do to which I replied, "lets set some clear goals however, the goals will be for ourselves, NOT for each other." So, here is what we established: ​ We are in charge of our own happiness: the key here is that she's not responsible for making me happy, and vice versa. We both need to seek what that personal plan looks like individually. Also, we're both encouraged to include each other in taking those steps if we want, but it is not required. ​ We are in control of our own individual lives and our own journey: this means we're both responsible in finding the resources necessary to grow, change and heal. We can definitely help one another when help is requested, however, unsolicited advice or help will not be rendered. ​ We are responsible for communicating: this ensures nothing is left unsaid. If it was never brought up or discussed, it never happened. We're not mind readers and we need to take ownership when we fail to communicate. ​ Make a list of needs and wants: this gives us both clear direction about meeting each others needs. This also gives us a CHOICE as to what we want/choose to do, compromise on, or decline to do. This list also will not serve as a checklist for accountability! We made it clear we would NOT be bringing this list up for the purpose of arguing, and it was up to the other person to use the list as a tool for growth, transparency or clarification. We concluded that it was up to us to decide if we will be happy doing these things for OURSELVES because we care, not to simply check a box. This was very important in order to establish long term habits and not short term band aids because you cannot "make" someone change or do something they don't believe is important. ​ Established a deadline (Memorial Day 2025) At the end of the conversation we concluded by setting Memorial Day 2025 as a hard stop to evaluate our lives and our progress. We agreed we would do this with the clear understanding that we will independently decide if we are happy here. If we determined we arent happy, we will be getting a divorce. We would also both assume full responsibility for what happened should we get divorced. For example, if needs were not met, it would mean "my partner chose not to meet them." This places full responsibility on each other in all areas. The whole process requires that if "needs were not met," the next question should be, "did we do everything to address this issue?" If yes, then we will have a clear conscious of what transpired and know we left no stone unturned. IF, however, we "didn't do everything to address the issue," it will mean "the issue was not important enough for you or didn't care to meet those needs." (this goes both ways in all areas, like everything else.) We established that the main motivator for change should be ourselves and that if we did that, we would in turn begin to see beneficial changes towards each other. The goal is to ensure that everything we are doing for one another to meet each others needs is being done because "we WANT to do it for our spouse, not because he/she asked. Isntead, it was done because I know it makes him/her happy and I love seeing them happy." I felt it was important to mention to her that we are no longer "required" to do anything for each other. It is now more of a "I want" to do these things for each other. Ultimately, I felt the conversation was very positive and productive. Many tears were shed and lots of hugging ensued. I know this doesn't mean or guarantee anything, however, this has never happened before and I can honestly attribute it to the 180 method (I cannot give anymore insight on this method other than its the only thing I did different and something new happened for what seems to be better). I've decided I will conclude and will refrain from this method moving forward as the plan now has changed. I'm planning to devote myself entirely to not only myself and my growth but to also work on her needs and wants because I WANT her to be happy by my side. She said and agreed she would do the same for herself. We agreed we would help and build each other wherever we request for it and that we will be approaching this as a team. As of today, some of the biggest changes I have noticed are her commitment to therapy and mental health. She is taking some antidepressants that are helping her. She is also more confident and in a far better mood more frequently. We have started to explore more ways of intimacy in multiple areas such as physical touch and words of affirmation. Sex is starting to make an appearance which is exciting (side note: sex was very very awkward to start when you've ben abstinent for so long). We've also started to workout together whcih is great and have lost weight which is also very exciting. Overall, communication has improved, and I cannot wait to see where this leads. I hope this helps someone out there. I'm still very much interested in your feedback and thoughts on this. You all have been a huge help in giving me hope and insight into this tough journey. Trolls aside, many of you have really been instrumental in my journey both emotionally and mentally. I will not be providing any more updates until Memorial Day next year. I think its now time to keep focusing on myself and start working on all the new opportunities that hopefully will arise with my wife. I wish you all the best in life and your relationships with those you love. TL;DR: Our marriage took a turn for the better after the 180 method and we're now working on ourselves, each other and rekindling our marriage. We also set a deadline for next year to either remain together or get divorced. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Soft-Comment-5711 My husband turned 40 and suddenly became the man I married again Original Post Apr 24, 2024 Hi, I’m new here. I create this account because something happened to my husband about a year ago and I don’t know what to make of it. My husband has always been a good man, and he’s a wonderful father. He also has a great career and very driven to succeed. But after the kids were born his passion for me had waned. He was once very affectionate and flirty and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We had date nights and would take weekend trips filled with kissing, hand holding and a lot of sex. But after the kids all of that began to fade and it continued to the point that I felt like we were roommates. I kept myself in shape for him and initiated sex often. He would never turn me down but it was lazy. It was basically get off quick and go to sleep. So after a while I just stopped imitating. This continued for years and I had just grown used to it. I still loved him, I had no desire to cheat or divorce. I just figured this is what happens after kids and I’ll just deal with it. Then, about a year ago he got a babysitter and asked me if I wanted to go away for the weekend just the two of us. I was shocked but agreed. And the entire weekend he was affectionate and flirty and just fun. He hadn’t acted this way in years. He was a completely different guy and that included in the bedroom too. This may be TMI but my husband hadn’t performed oral sex on me in 10 years and every time he had before he was kind of terrible at it. But while we were away he just did it without asking and he was amazing at it. This new attitude continued when we got home and a few months after that I started to notice that he had lost weight. Shortly after that he started to look more toned as well. He had gotten a dad bod but now he looked better than when we got married. I won’t lie, I had difficulty keeping my hands off him. He’s basically become the perfect husband overnight, I don’t know what happened. He says he just wanted to be a better husband but there was no event that triggered it outside of turning 40. Could that be it? I’ve read that middle aged men sometimes get in shape because they are looking to cheat. But that’s not the case. He’s never cheated or had any desire too. We have lifestyle 360 for the kids and I see where he is. It’s work and home. I also see all his texts since we share an iPad. So I’m kind of stumped. TLDR: My husband suddenly became a perfect husband and I don’t know why EDIT: Thank you all for the comments I will answer a few common questions. I see no testosterone in the house. Unless he’s taking it at work and not telling me then I don’t think that’s what it is. How did he become so good at oral? He did tell me that before he didn’t like it but now he does. I could tell before he was grossed out by it and that affected how I felt about it. So right there was a change. But that doesn’t explain how the man has become downright intuitive with oral and sex in generally. He has a sense of when to speed up, when to stay consistent, when I’m close and how to get me there. I just don’t know how that happened. That part didn’t happen right away but it didn’t take long. Like I said above cheating really isn’t possible. I always know where he is and have for years. I can track him and so can the kids. He goes to work and comes home. And when he leaves the house it is to the store or his parents and I can see that too. Also, wouldn’t you get in shape before the affair not after it was over? Because I have been hyper vigilant and there’s nothing. RELEVANT COMMENTS Starry-Dust4444 It wasn’t hard. I knew he wasn’t cheating. Even if I didn’t know where he was all the time he really isn’t the type to cheat. I tend to think most cheaters are narcissistic on some level and that is the opposite of what he is. OOP Cheating or looking to cheat was one of my fears but no. As I mentioned in the post, there is really no possibility. I can see his texts and we have lifestyle 360 so I know where he is and it’s work and home ~ PlanePerformance2795 It sounds like you’re living the good life. But the only question I have is how did he suddenly get so good, did he practice? Did he do search up some tips? It’s a little suspicious. When I suspected my ex was cheating she suddenly started doing home workouts and new tricks in bed…. But I also learnt how to do new stuff via tips and things, and got pretty good at most things so it could be that as well. OOP He got better at sex by simply trying. Before it was basically pants off, pound, pound, pound and done. Now he actually takes his time, heats me up before entering me. He uses his mouth, he teases me. He’s passionate now where before he was just all business. And even when he does finally go inside me he’s started using his hips and moving that thing around in there. I’m positive there was no cheating. Like I said I can track him and I see all his texts as they come in. There was just never an opportunity. He had to have done some research though. Update Apr 26, 2024 I wanted to give an update on my post from a few days ago since everyone who commented was so helpful. I talked to my husband and asked him if he was taking testosterone as many of the commenters thought he was. He said no and was curious why I asked. So we talked a bit and I really pressed him hard on what was going through his mind a year ago to make him change so much and I was able to tease 2 things out of him. The first was an incident at work. It happened about six months before he made his transformation and I knew about it at the time because he told me. He didn’t make a really big deal about it and barely mentioned it after telling me so I just forgot it even happened until he mentioned it. My husband is a VP of Finance at a rather large private company and two members of his staff were engaging in an affair. The woman involved in the affair was married and about my age and her husband had started to call the office. So it became a thing he had to deal with since he was their boss. He told me at the time but I guess this saga dragged on for some months and when the woman in question began to open up to others in the office regarding the reason she had the affair, some of those reasons hit home for my husband. Her husband was behaving much like he was. So he said that isn’t going to be me and set out to fix it. The second thing I teased out of him is that he quit watching porn. Now I do want to say that I don’t care that he watched porn, I do myself on occasion. But when he watched it and obviously finished himself afterward, it drained any desire he had for me. I guess he started when the kids were really young and I was just exhausted all the time and he just kept it up because it was easy. He quit because to fix our marriage he had to get that desire back for me. So he did it. So after this conversation a lot of things make sense. I also understand why he didn’t want to tell me. He didn’t want me to think that the possibility that I could cheat had entered his mind. And the porn is sort of self explanatory. RELEVANT COMMENTS Matrim_Wot I'm so glad to hear that you two talked about this. I'm also glad you drowned out the assumptions people were making about your husband in the original thread you made. OOP It wasn’t hard. I knew he wasn’t cheating. Even if I didn’t know where he was all the time he really isn’t the type to cheat. I tend to think most cheaters are narcissistic on some level and that is the opposite of what he is. ~ When asked if her husband knew about or covered up the staff members affair Well none of that happened. He found out after the fact when the husband called HR and my husband directly. These people directly report to him so obviously he had to manage the situation so that his department could still function and do their jobs. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]