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I (31M) have been wiping my ass with bath towels for months to spite my ex, and it seems to have actually saved our relationship
Throwaway for obvious reasons. Now, before you read too far, it's not as bad as it might sound right out the gate. It's not like I'm trying to give the anyone Pink Eye - I've been using my own, separate towels in a separate bathroom and washing them immediately. This is, however, by far the most petty, ridiculous, and stupid thing I will ever do in my life. It's a little lengthy, but I feel like I need to get all of this off my chest. I met this girl towards the end of college. She was amazing. We dated for almost five years, moved to a new city together, the works. Unfortunately things took a bit of a downhill spin and we didn't work out. It's been difficult, but more or less mutual. There are things neither of us liked about each other, and there were some things said in heated moments that I ultimately know deep down I will never be able to let go of. There is definitely no hope of getting back together. The kicker is we have 8 months left of our original 12 on the lease for a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment. We still have to live together and still argue about the most asinine things all the time. A few months back ExGF and I have this blow out argument over household expenses. We were trying to be civil and still split some of the groceries, cleaning supplies, pet stuff, etc. I'm a pretty frugal guy so I casually point out I have always felt like she wastes too much of everything: too much detergent in the washing machine, grape-sized globs of toothpaste, you get the idea. She's just wasteful in my eyes. A few days later I start to notice occasional rolls of toilet paper seem to be missing from my bathroom. I must be crazy, I think to myself, so I start stacking the spare rolls in weird patterns, snapping pics of them, and sure enough... the witch is full on Grand Theft Poo Paper. How the hell does one even go through a full roll of TP every day? Are you digging up Ancient Egyptian corpses with your ass just to re-embalm them? I confront her about it and she acts like I'm insane, that she would never do something like that, and so on. Now, keep in mind we dated for years. I've witnessed the catastrophe that is her wiping her ass in high definition, and it is NOT graceful. She basically just shoves a bunch of toilet paper into her hand, clenches her fist a few times, and swings for the fences. I had truthfully never thought much of it up until this point. We have another blowout over this. Fine, she exclaims, we'll compare who uses the most toilet paper over the next few weeks and if she's really as wasteful as I make her out to be, she'll start shelling out 75% of our household costs instead of 50%. Lord did she underestimate the pent up spitefulness I had been holding on to from those arguments that broke us apart. Over the first couple of days, I actually used more. I'm sure she was rationing as well, but I'm not one to enjoy losing. I started only opening the log factory for business while at work. I would hold the kids in the pool all evening but if I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would find an excuse to go to the grocery store or closest McDonald's or something and drop them off there. This should have been enough. Should have. At this point, I truthfully wasn't handling the breakup as well as I'd have liked. I had quit working out, didn't cook anymore, didn't hang out with my friends, and basically just Netflixed and ordered delivery from this neat little "Korean Fusion Soul Food" place around the corner every single night. After what I can only interpret as deep reparations for years of white privilege, my colon betrayed me. Sure, riding the Oregon Trail was immensely unpleasant, but what concerned me even more was the speed at which I was blowing through my stash of Quilted Northern... and then I was suddenly almost down to my last roll. Not to be out done, I spent what felt like hours perched upon the porcelain throne considering the logistics of a sustainable way for me to win this little metaphorical jousting match. I almost opted to simply crank my shower on full blast and pressure wash the brown paint off. That's kind of what people do in other countries, right? I'm not really sure, I've just heard stories. The idea weirded me out, but did ultimately lead me to realize how many darkly colored brown and black towels I have. Boom. Lightbulb. Not only that, but my bathroom is mere steps away from the washing machine. It's not like they have to dry or stank up anything for days. I could go on like this forever! Of course I was careful about which towels I used. And I would NEVER dry off after showering with any of the poo towels. I took every precaution including using large towels and folding them every which way. It wasn't long before ExGF caught on to how often I was using the washing machine. Thinking quickly, I made some silly excuse about being ashamed of myself for letting my whole life become a mess and "really wanting to try to do better... for me and me alone." I started having to do additional laundry so as not to arouse suspicion. I had to fake showering by running the water in my bathtub twice a day so she would think I was washing myself super regularly. Pretty soon I was keeping my room clean as well. I won the TP measuring competition by a landslide (or should I say mudslide?), and ExGF happily stepped up her contributions. By this point, I'm pot committed. Somehow being overly petty and wiping my ass with my own towels to prove a stupid little point and win this irrelevant competition evolved into actually taking care of myself again. I've been trying to taper down my towel usage slowly enough so as to not arouse suspicion. Doing my laundry all the time to wash the shit out of my towels became doing all the laundry all the time, in exchange for ExGF cooking, vacuuming, and dusting. I even do all the dishes now too. We don't fight over chores, or really anything any more - even money. We're actually getting along really well again and I'm starting to remember why even I liked her so much in the first place. Life is weird. And shitty. And apparently... if you can lie and spite your way through the shitty parts, everything gets better. Who knew? I feel like I've learned the wrong lesson here. TL;DR: I used towels in place of toilet paper to spitefully win an argument with my ex over household expenses. Unintentional side effects included taking better care of myself overall and drastically improved ex relations. Edit: Added TL;DR submitted by /u/KrustyTowelKing to r/confessions [link] [comments]
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r/confessions |
KrustyTowelKing |
Feb 2, 2019 |