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AITAH for not letting my fiancée's best friend live with us anymore leading to the end of our 5 year relationship
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Infinite-Series-9493 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for not letting my fiancée's best friend live with us anymore leading to the end of our 5 year relationship Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, PTSD, mental health struggles, suicidal ideation, emotional abuse and manipulation, gaslighting, destruction of property, theft Mood Spoilers: messy Original Post: July 15, 2025 Hi, I am currently going through a break-up with my fiancée and I need input from strangers. My friends have been validating a lot of my feelings but I feel like that could be bias. Some context I'm 26M, she is 23F, we'll call her Kate, we've been together just under 5 years, engaged for almost 2, I proposed on our anniversary. Anyway, this time last year we moved into a rental property my parents own with her best friend, we'll call her May F27. For the 18 months leading up to this job I had worked law enforcement, that job 100% made me realise that you can't change the system from within and made me fully ACAB. I was injured a few times and also dealt with some close calls and some really heavy things. Even though I knew I should have been talking to a psychologist about these things during my time, I kept neglecting my mental health until I broke down. I got injured again, couldn't stop smoking, and quit the job. I was in denial about my PTSD and kept trying to push past it and get a different job in security. I couldn't do this, and the feeling of failure combined with being terrified of everyone around me outside I struggled to find the motivation to find another job or do anything. I struggled going to the shops for some time. During this time me and May were always around each other and butting heads. Shortly after we moved in we we're setting up rooms, I asked her to not touch some 3D printed dnd models that I had made and painted, due to some breaking in transport and me not wanting to risk more damage. She ended up moving all of them whilst setting up shelves and even unboxed ones I didn't want unboxed. I told her I had specifically asked her not to touch them and it upset me she did, her response was "I needed to unbox stuff and put it on shelves before the party." We had a house-warming coming up, I told her she could have done that without touching them, she yelled "they wouldn't have been touched if you had done it yourself". When I talked to my fiancée about this she took May's side. This established a pattern, May would do something that crossed a boundary, and she would yell at that. I did also do things which crossed her boundaries, and I did try to apologise and explain that I didn't understand that had been an issue and clear communication would help me understand in the future. Few months go by, I am terrified of May, every time I'm around her my heart is pounding, I'm looking for weapons, my body is reacting to her as a threat. And I unfortunately responded by being angry, I felt like my fiancée wasn't doing anything to make the house feel welcome to me. I begged her to talk to May and she said she did, but that I needed to apologise first and show that I can change. Eventually in January it reached a point where May would clean a small section of our patio and sit and smoke, we would all sit and smoke together, she would only clean the section she sat. That area was where I sat most of the time when she wasn't around. One week she got angry because I left my stuff in her spot and a different day I didn't immediately stop smoking and move over for her. I told her it was a communal area and she didn't own that spot. The next day I came home and she was building a couch in that area, I told my fiancée that it seemed like a petty attempt to take ownership of the space. My fiancée dismissed that, but also said I wouldn't be able to sit on it due to the weight rating of it. I tried to overlook it, but I asked my fiancée to bring up moving it, because at this point I was too scared to talk to May and was avoiding her. My fiancée refused for a while, then did and said the couch stayed, and started telling me to "Suck it up" her actual words. This lead to us arguing and me picking the couch up over our heads and moving it to the other side of the table. At this point May said they were moving out, I said it wasn't going to work with us together in the house. My fiancée and May spent the next 6 months just telling me to stop being angry and apologise and that everything was my fault. I had felt so ashamed for this entire year I didn't tell my friends any of this until this past week. I was constantly sent to the bedroom when May was around, though she wasn't there every day. It felt like I wasn't welcome in the house, when I asked when May was moving out, I was told she wasn't, then she was. And this kept happening, I stayed scared of May. And then my fiancée began screaming at and berating me for not having empathy, for not loving her or caring about her. I yelled to, but I also slowly began to feel hated by her, and as it went on, I just wanted to do anything to keep her happy. I apologised and was yelled at by May, this happened three times in a row, so I gave up. I didn't care about May anymore, she destroyed the friendship we had, I felt so unsafe I wanted her out of my life. But I could never ask my fiancée to give up her friendship, I just didn't want her in the house. I accused my fiancée of having an emotional affair, she denied anything, but also told me May thought she has been in love with Kate, but talked it through with a psychologist and she just loves her like a sister. This struck me as weird, and a lot of my friends are calling it manipulative. But last week we hit a point, Kate had gone off and spent the night where May has been staying and told me she was staying at 10:30pm. She gave May $1000 recently to fic their car. I finally talked to some friends about everything, I they made me feel validated in my fear, my suspicions and just didn't make me feel crazy anymore. I had been conflicted with how I felt, I knew I was wrong to be angry and I was sorry for my actions. And I tried to make up from them, but when I asked for the same, I got yelled at for asking. It felt like I was being told May can act however she wants and Kate will defend her, but if I step a toe out of line I will be told off. I felt like a third in my own engagement. Please let me know if you think ITA or NTA. I will try and provide any additional information if possible. EDIT: I just found out that Kate has been lying to me for a few weeks about a mutual friend of ours, one of my best friends. Kate told me this friend thought I had changed and was no longer the person I was and didn't want me in their life. Due to this, I didn't reach out to them after the break until this morning. I asked how I had changed and why they didn't want me as a friend. She then denied not wanting me as a friend, told me she still loves me and wants me in her life. We've begun making plans to catch up and talk this weekend. This has made me realise that I well and truly have been manipulated and lied to, and that I'm not going crazy and losing everyone and everything. I don't know how long this has been happening, whether it's the full 5 years, or just since May has been this entwined with our relationship. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP is NTA Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I felt like a third in my own engagement. Yep. NTA Time to move on and stop supplementing fiancée and May's lifestyles. OOP: Honestly, thank you so much for saying this. I started to cry because I felt like I was going mad trying to say everything. This went from me trying to get perspective to letting my feelings out, and I thought it might be incoherent rambling. Commenter 2: NTA. I strongly suggest that you have a witness with you every time you interact with either of them from now on. I guarantee they know exactly how they're triggering your anxiety (and likely PTSD) and are doing so intentionally because they know that they can easily manipulate you and situations once you're triggered. It genuinely isn't safe for you emotionally to be around them alone. OOP: Thank you for the advice, I was planning on trying to have a friend around for dividing assets. Commenter 3: Did you ever get treatment for PTSD? Did Kate keep May around because she felt unsafe because of your untreated mental health issues? OOP: I did get treatment. And in the past 6 months she did start feeling unsafe. I do need to keep going with therapy to deal with my issues. We had lived together most of our relationship without any major issues. Also at one point I was very suicidal, my psychologist told my fiancée I should be placed under a 72 hour hold. She didn't want me to go so I didn't. How were the bills split between OOP and Kate? OOP: Bills are currently mostly 50/50 between me and Kate, May has always paid a lower rent. We agreed $150 before we moved in. And then almost immediately said she could only pay $100 a week until she got a job. She would then get a job, keep paying $100 and when I said I wasn't going to keep paying a third of her rent, Kate started paying instead. May also never paid more than a quarter of any bill. Whilst in law enforcement, I was covering about 60-70% of bills when it was just me and Kate. I was okay with that because I was making close to double what she did. OOP should get the ring back OOP: I took the ring a few days ago and have it with me at my parents. I'm only staying this week. OOP needs to get clean now after it seems like weed is creating the harm OOP: I'm getting sober after this week. I realised that myself and I had quit and was good, but my fiancée always had it in the house and the temptation of it was too strong. I know I can be sober and healthy mentally, I just wasn't strong enough then to resist the temptation. OOP needs to find his spine and get this sorted out OOP: I'm 6'8 and have been training to fight for 8 years. I have always been such an intimidating figure that I always try to be calm and go with the flow to avoid being scary. But I do think this lead to me having issues trying to express my own needs in a relationship, because I'm desperate to not be alone. Update: August 12, 2025 (nearly one month later) UPDATE: AITAH for not letting my fiancée's best friend live with us anymore leading to the end of our 5 year relationship So some people asked for an update. And I have a few good and a few bad things to share. Brief recap, my fiancée (Kate) and I of almost 5 years broke up a month ago after moving into a house with her best friend (May). I was suffering from PTSD and left my job in law enforcement, I had set some boundaries with May and she kept crossing them. She would also get angry yell at me and get in my face, and Kate would always dismiss these outbursts. So to the update, I stayed at my parents house for a week, after returning I didn't know if Kate would be there or not. She wasn't, she took the cat and a few items of clothing, and all our sheets and pillows. I reached out asking if she wanted to talk about things and if she was working that Wednesday because we could sit down and discuss who gets what and her moving out. She had threatened to take all the furniture during the break-up so I wanted to sit down and actually divide the things we'd bought together between us. She said she didn't want to meet, and that she asked for my roster to collect her stuff when I'm not there. Because of her threatening to take the bed and everything else, I said I didn't want her in the house without me and would change the locks. She eventually said she wanted to do it via text, but I told her it should be in person, there are a lot of things in a lot of random places which actually needed to be sorted through. She refused, I then found out a few days later from my brother she had messaged my parents. Telling them I had turned off all her fish tanks and wasn't letting her in to do anything to them. I was more than happy for her to come over whilst I was here, I just didn't trust her after finding out about a lot of her lies about my friends hating me. My parents called, and the four of us spoke, my brother confirmed the tanks were all on and were clean. My parents told me she had hired a moving crew for Tuesday to get all her stuff, my parents own the house we live in. I put a lock on the bedroom door and changed all the locks in the house. I told her Tuesday didn't work for me, but Wednesday would work. She refused and said she was coming, so I sent the list of things she wasn't to take. And she insisted on taking the entire bedroom set. I told my manager about what was happening, she knew about the break-up, I broke down at work the next day and told her. She was so understanding and actually helped a lot and I'm so thankful for her. On Tuesday they came just before I left for work, I called my brother and he started coming towards the house. I had moved all Kate and May's belongings outside that I could find and move. Had a friend help me with May's bed. My brother arrived after I left and told me they were inside the house, I told my manager who agreed to let me leave early when the second staff started, which was in 5 hours. My brother planted himself on the sofa kept an eye on the bedroom and kept me updated. When I arrived they'd gutted most of the house of all of their stuff, but also a few of my items, I found more out after it was over. But she took one of my consoles and the cables to my other so I couldn't use it. They didn't get in the bedroom or get the couch at least. I later found out they stole my cook books, the rice and flour and a few other weird things. However, not long after I decided to try and put myself back out there and just try and have some fun casual dates until I'm ready for something long term. However I quickly realised it wasn't for me anymore and I wanted something seriously. But I met someone and we immediately clicked, we were sending these huge paragraphs, info dumping to each other and we shared a lot of the same interests and passions. We've gone out a few times now and I really like them, and I really hope this works out well, taking it slowly though. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: It doesn't sound like you're taking anything slowly, it sounds like your 'trauma bonding' or whatever the kids call it. In any case, best of luck with everything and hope you're feeling ok and getting the help you need. OOP (downvoted): I've trauma bonded with someone before, this isn't it, I've also been seeing a psychologist who is aware of everything. We're working on helping me recognise red flags in relationships and it is helping. Commenter 2: I have PTSD (military) and the mind slams are really hard to manage. I understand why you spiralled, as you couldn’t properly rationalise the abuse Kate and May were throwing at you. Nor could you process it. It became part and parcel of your trauma — just another layer being added. It does get better, as I hope your psychologist is helping you see, and when others begin to cause problems that start to trigger you, you’ll have new tools to stop them short. Take care and best wishes to you. OOP: You actually summed it up perfectly there, I hadn't even thought of it that way. My psychologist has been helping, after the break-up I did feel a lot of anxiety leave, but I know I've developed new ones. Thank you so much. Can OOP report Kate and May to the police for stealing/theft? OOP: I talked to a friend who is a cop, and he said that it shouldn't have been a civil matter since they had no legal way to get inside. But he said since they made that call I have to go to court to try and get stuff back. And I can't afford to deal with legal fees at this point. I was in a more specific aspect of law enforcement. We only dealt with things within a specific region and didn't cover residential situations. So I never handled domestic violence cases or anything to do with breaking and entering. I know the general idea, but I wanted to confirm since he has experience in those areas. OOP shouldn't have let Kate into the house OOP: I didn't, the doors were locked she came in through a window and unlocked everything from the inside. My brother arrived and text me they were inside. I couldn't stop her retrieving her property, it would be theft, so it was placed in the garage with the exception of boxes I had yet to sort through to gather ny belongings from. I told them to not enter the house in person and via message. Commenter 3: You broke up your engagement a month ago perhaps lay off the dating and stay single and focus on your mental health and wellbeing? OOP: My biggest issue was a lack of safety in my home. In the past month I have regained that safety. We've been on 3 dates in the past week and a half for a few hours each time, we're both pretty busy and won't see each other for a bit. But we text and call, not ready for a serious relationship because I need to work on myself and they are understanding of that. I'm also talking with a psychologist who is giving me some good tools and mechanisms to recognise any abuse signs. Commenter 4: Let the things go. They're things and can be replaced. May and Kate are absolutely together. They've been a couple this entire time and you've been a cash cow. You survived on the job trauma and an abusive relationship. Do yourself a favor, get yourself a pet (I like cats but dogs are good, too) from the shelter. No, don't go to a breeder. Specifically get a rescue. Why? It's hard to explain but there's healing to be had there. Then go and gest therapy. Just work on you and get healed. Keep us updated. OOP: That's actually my entire plan, I replaced the console, I plan on going to a shelter soon, I have been rearranging the house. Had too many echoes of them. I would love a dog but I wouldn't have the time with my schedule, so I'm getting a cat because I miss the one we shared and it'll be easier and cheaper. I don't think there will be any more updates unless she takes me to court. Commenter 5: Please consider getting some professional counseling, or you may end up in the same situation as before. If money is an issue, then consider free support groups such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). If you haven't been in a war, I suspect your PTSD has come from your childhood. In that case, it's worse than someone who has been in a war, because it was abusive for a very long time and inescapable, causing complex PTSD, or C-PTSD. And, males from this situation often go into law enforcement, which makes it even worse. It will take 2 years of serious emotional work to find your true self and live it. So, for your sake, no serious relationships until you've done the work. OOP: You're actually the first person to make this type of assertion and be right. I have a lot of childhood trauma that I am currently working on with my psychologist. I have had previous PTSD diagnoses, but working with my current one to figure out if C-PTSD is more fitting. My psychs main goal is recognition of red flags and how to healthily set and then reinforce my boundaries. I still use a lot of the methods from my previous times in therapy which do help. But I can recognise that I've developed new anxieties and I probably have some triggers I'm not aware of yet. Commenter 6: God luck in your new relationship. Don’t let people treat you the way may and Kate did. Most importantly rely on your support system when you second guess yourself. Do t let people gaslight you into apologizing. Stay happy out there. OOP: Honestly they've already shown me a lot more care and attention. I told them about a book I had been looking for, for 5 years on our first date. On our second they told me they found and ordered it for me, which is something Kate would never have done. My psych is helping me recognise toxic patterns to avoid, and my friends are helping a lot. DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
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Choice_Evidence1983 |
Aug 19, 2025 |