Chair Yoga

... do it. It is mostly chair yoga. There is no getting on... enjoy it. I do the yoga two days each week & ...

... have a full day today chair yoga, zumba, cardio drumming and quilting...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

... do my dance routine and chair yoga at lunchtime. DD37's parents-in-law live...

...! I'm just doing some new yoga thing Weiss cream told me.... She lowered herself into her chair with as much grace as...

(bkz: chair yoga)(bkz: thai chi)

at my community pool and also at the community center where there is a chair yoga class.

... Editor Shana Meyerson, Podcaster, The Yoga Of War Podcast Darren Michaelson, ... Margaux Susi, Director Rob Suss, Chair, Contemporary Art Society/Emeritus Trustee, ...

... the Senior center. It is chair yoga. (If I got in the ... class is sitting on the chair & standing. I am really ...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

FYI - I brought a yoga ball chair and didn’t get a return.

... Edition) Year One (Unrated) (IE) Yoga Hosers (Best ever price) You'll..., Season 4 £12.99 The Chair Company, Season 1 £12.99...

... of the Manager's desk- about Yoga and Angela tilted her head... slowly shuffled off his office chair and walked around the desk...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

... receptionist cubicle. She was wearing yoga pants and a tight t-shirt... leave your clothes on the chair and wait on the table. ... off and peeled off her yoga pants and thong. She climbed ... off. Mia pulled off her yoga pants and hopped on the ...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

StarSong said: Practice definitely makes perfect when it comes to balance exercises. Yes I do some standing legs exercises every day, but I do them near my tall chair or somewhere I have something to fall back on just in case. My Son suggested I get a large Yoga mat, I have been looking online. I can not have any thing slippery.

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

... bought was an yoga matt and a cuck chair cuz some of...

... 2.) Get movement every day. Chair Yoga 3 times a week. Walk... activity like walking mat and chair yoga. 5.) Continue to make healthy...

I'm wanting to start a chair exercise program but not sure which one. There's so many like chair yoga, chair tai chi, etc. Can't do regular exercise since I have problem knees and also not enough strength in knees to get up off the floor. Any suggestions?

... starting at 36w: RRLT, dates, yoga ball exercises, EPO vaginal/ every... left a puddle on the chair. The hospital confirmed I was ...

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Vast_Result_8543 Originally posted to r/Waiting_To_Wed Waiting to Wed: 9 Years Trigger Warnings: mental health struggles, emotional neglect ---- Original Post: April 16, 2026 OG: I’d (29f) been with my partner (30m) for 9 years, and from jump I said I wanted to get married and have kids. He told me he did too. To say I love this man is an understatement. I put him on such a high pedestal, which was probably always a part of the problem in our relationship. We moved multiple times for my career, and I always assumed it was coming. However, it never did. We had many conversations about it, and he told me he didn’t know why he didn’t want to get married. I waited. I just waited. At one point he had a ring from his family and I was so excited. I’d run around the house when he wasn’t home wearing it. Loving the idea that FINALLY it was happening. That was a year ago. This became such a painful topic for me that I didn’t even want to get married anymore bc I didn’t want a shut up ring. And I felt like such a cliche: the girl that is badgering her bf to marry her. I ended it yesterday. I’m devastated but I know this is right. I know that another nine years would pass and I’d still be waiting. Reflecting on this, I’m not mad at him. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. What I am recognizing is I have zero self confidence. Like none. And THAT is what I am feeling most. Just this emptiness because I put myself on an island. I figured, I must be a piece of shit, because the man I loved didn’t want me. I know that is not the truth but it’s what I am actively trying to heal from. I know this will take time, and I’m devastated. How did you build back up your self esteem and self worth in the beginning? Update 4/17/26: I am with my folks now, and my mom and I read through everyone's comments last night. She actually printed them out for me and tucked them into my backpack. I hope you all know that this has been such a lifeline, and I am so very grateful. Tomorrow, my AMAZING parents are driving 10 hours with me to pick up some of my stuff, and my dogs and I will be living with them over the summer. I'm excited to fully dive into my work and imagine a new future. VERY weirdly, yesterday I was driving, and "Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac came on, and whilst I was working at a coffee shop, it played TWICE. TWICE. I know it was probably Sirius XM doing what it does, but I took it as a sign. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: It’s time to put yourself on a pedestal. Commenter 2: Yep 28-29 is when your life actually starts, and it’s the perfect time for a rebrand. I decided to get my shit together at 25, now I’m 28 and I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. I can’t wait for my 30’s to see how I’ll continue to grow. Now that OP has ditched the dead weight she can lock in and find a serious person. Rooting for you OP!! OOP: Thank you! It ebbs and flows but I think more than anything, I am excited for the next chapter. I am a PhD student so I will FULLY be able to focus on that without waiting for someone to come home, or like me. Commenter 3: Good for you for taking control of your life. You should have left the first time he told you he didn't want to get married. Do not let him back in. He had a decade to make you his wife and chose not to, so anything he says now is meaningless. Invest in individual counseling to help you figure out how to move forward and recognize healthy relationships. Commenter 4: Therapy definitely helped me unpack and make my life different after ending my 8 year wait. It crushed that the last 5 we were engaged but he kept moving the goal posts OOP: I was always so quiet about this with my therapist because I was embarrassed. When I finally told her what was going on, she said, "I am going to take off my therapist hat for a second and tell you clearly, you deserve better." With the amazing support of my friends and family, I am starting to believe that. submitted by

I have a gently used crisscross yoga chair. Off white color. The seat does have a slightly darker hue from sitting on the seat in dark jeans for a while. Great for standing desk use. It is tall, so probably can’t be used at a standard desk. Comes from a pet friendly, smoke free home. I’ll hold a raffle Friday at 5 PM for pick up over the weekend. I don’t know how to take it apart, so you’re going to need a large vehicle/SUV or pickup to take it home. Pick up in SW Portland submitted by /u/doddiebadoddie to r/PDXBuyNothing [link] [comments]

submitted by /u/Deep-Computer-6928 to r/ProductFindsHub [link] [comments]

I've always felt like it's not 'proper yoga' even though I know it is. I watched a seated flow video the other day and honestly it looked super challenging and the instructor said it would be great if you have tight hips and shoulders. Has anyone incorporated it into their routine? I'd love to know what poses work best for you and whether you think it's worth it as a standalone practice or better as a warm-up. submitted by /u/YogaGoApp to r/YogaWorkouts [link] [comments]

First time posting here but I was so moved and excited today so wanted to share with people who would get it 😀 I had a lovely lady come into my regular chair yoga class accompanied by her grandson. She said she wanted to try yoga for the first time. She had a walker but otherwise she is in incredible shape. I was then told by her grandson that she recently celebrated her 102nd birthday and that she was annoyed because she had fallen while gardening and now had to use a walker. 🤪 But mostly the thing that got me in the feels was her joy and excitement to try something new, and meet new people. So anyways just another lesson about it never being too late 😛 submitted by /u/mammaofthewolf to r/yoga [link] [comments]

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP) OOP: u/Mommytex Published on: r/relationships Story is: CONCLUDED Story timeline Main Post: October 21, 2015 Final Update: October 22, 2015 Main Post October 21, 2015 I(39f) am getting increasingly paranoid at my husband(41m) and his relationship with our daughters(16f) friend(16F). Throw away account and names have been changed This situation involves a few people. My husband Rick, myself(Sarah), Our daughter Cass, and her friend Tina. Rick and I have been married for 19 years, and we have had a mostly happy marriage. We have one daughter(Cass), who has always been a loner. This year, Cass made some new friends. This was the 1st time she had real friends, so we were happy about it. These 4 girls started coming to our place after school, and on the weekend. They dress how teenage girls do, short shorts, tiny shirts, yoga pants, small dresses. I noticed that sometimes my husband's gaze would linger on them, but it was never more than a glance. I didn't know if I was seeing things or just being sensitive, so I let it go. In the summer they started using our pool and hot tub. Again I noticed that Rick would sit out on the deck to read a book. I never caught him watching them though, and he never stayed outside for more than a few minutes. I did notice that his office blinds stayed open, and his window looks over the pool. Again, I said nothing because there wasn't anything except a feeling. Sometime during the summer the girls got really friendly with him, and started to call him by his 1st name. One girl, Tina. Was especially friendly. Tina has shown up at our house when Cass isn't home yet. She says she doesn't mind waiting, and she plops right down next to Rick and tries to chat him up. Either he doesn't notice, or he pretends not to notice. She bounces around him in her skimpy outfits, and he seems oblivious, but I know Rick isn't stupid. Last week, she "missed" her school bus so she asked Rick to drive her. When he agreed she gave him a giant hug. The kind where you hang off the person, and it lasted a few seconds too long. Again, Rick seemed not to notice. The last straw, and the reason I'm posting this is what happened on Saturday. I was walking in our hallway, and I heard her say to Rick, Do you really think I'm beautiful? Rick replied that he did, and she shouldn't ever forget it. I peeked in, she was sitting on the couch next to him, she hugged him again, and again it lingered. Then she prance out. When she saw me standing there, she averted her eyes and scrambled past me. This time I asked Rick what that was about. He said simply, you know teenagers and their self esteem issues. I don't know what I should do, or if I should do anything. If I am wrong I would be alienating my husband, my daughter, and throwing a wrench into her first real friendship. tl;dr My husband and my daughters friend are getting too close and it makes me uncomfortable and paranoid.   COMMENTS datafoxdatafox Cass' friends are no longer allowed over when she isn't home. They can come back later. You can't just apply this rule to Tina alone. Talk to your husband about boundaries that are getting crossed here, that could end up with potential legal trouble. Do not accuse him of cheating unless you have proof. This girl has a crush on him and probably some mental issues. Next time, if she tries to pull it again, you drive her wherever. Not your husband. Take this time to ask her more about herself. Change the focus to you being the confidante over time as there might be something wrong at home. Don't fret. I think you've witnessed enough red flags to fix the issue before it escalates. OOP I feel like to this is good advice, I don't want to come off like I am Calling him a pedo ozogati I think telling a 16 year old he thinks she is beautiful is in fact wildly inappropriate.... OOP That's what I thought too, but after I thought about it, I didn't hear the context of the Conversation destroyer96FBI I mean married for 19 years, you can't just talk about it? I see all of these posts setting rules. If my GF came up to me and started saying "You cant be here with x alone" "you're not allowed to do this" I would get upset. If you have a problem use your words, and figure it out. You let it get into your head that he in-fact has a crush on this girl you wont believe any different even if he tells the opposite. OOP Wow. You make a great point. I couldn't just tell Rick that he can't be alone with Tina, or anyone else for that matter. That makes it sound like I am blaming him. I will try to talk to him and figure it out. Final Update - next day October 22, 2015 [UPDATE]I(39f) am getting increasingly paranoid at my husband(41m) and his relationship with our daughters(16f) friend(16F). Last night, Tina had dinner at ours. As she was leaving she started passing out hugs. This time when she went to hug Rick, he stopped her cold, by stepping behind a chair, and saying "Good Night Tina". This was noticeably strange. When Tina left Cass asked Rick what that was about. Rick said he wanted a family meeting. So Before i was able to say anything, Rick laid out some new ground rules for guests. None of the girls were allowed in the house when Cass wasnt home. None of the girls were allowed into his study. It was a short meeting, but that was it. Cass didnt really know what to make of it, but said ok and went back up to her room. I prodded for more answers and i found out what had happened. It turns out, that some time during dinner, Tina tried to corner him in the hallway and kiss him. She told him that there was something she needed his help with, and she didnt want other people to overhear. when he got close enough she tried to kiss him. when he stopped her,(he made sure to stress that her lips never touched him), she tried to grab him innappropriately. At that point, he retreated back to the dinner table. At this point, i told him that i saw that Tina had a crush on him a while ago, and he should have set up boundries long ago. He didnt see it. To him that almost kiss came out of nowhere. He was freaking out a bit. So i finally asked him to go into more detail of why he said that she was beautiful that day. Turns out that she had come to him, and said she needed to talk about something important. Rick suggested she talk to me, but Tina said that this was something only he could help her with, and it was a little bit embarrassing. So that saturday, he met her in his office, and Rick said, that Tina told him, that the people at school hate her, and that she is ugly. and that she would die alone. that kind of stuff. She asked him if She is really ugly and if she would die alone. He said he can assure her that the wont die alone, and that she is a beautiful girl, and even if she wasnt, that doesnt mean she would die alone. Tina's response was "Do you really think i'm beautful". and that is where i heard from. He said he was just trying to be supportive. He only thought of her like he would his own daughter. So it does make sense. Now that i know what is going on, I'm not sure if it is safe for Tina to be around at all. I just cant help but to think of the lies Tina could tell if we cut her out of our lives. That and Cass really loves her friend. tl;dr: Talked with Rick, found out things got alot worse.   COMMENTS Dolomite808 Honestly, I thought he was clueless when you posted your original post. I don't think most married middle aged men would think that one of their daughter's friend could possibly be attracted to them. Glad to hear it ended up being ok, if a bit awkward. OOP he was clueless. up until the last second. what would it have looked like if i turned the corner and rick was bent down, and she was going in for a kiss... Rick is about 6'3 so, for a kiss to even almost happen, it would have looked like he was leaning in for it Stubbedtoe33 Let's be glad that didn't happen otherwise this would be a whole different update. Do you trust your husband enough though if that situation occurred would you believe him if he said it was a misunderstanding? OOP I want to say i do. but given my track record on jumping to conclusions i am not confident. Doughchild You might have to talk to Cass about it. Mother to daughter. Mainly so she can see that you and Rick are a united front, you have communicated about it and you are okay. And maybe she'll look for a new friend then. You don't have to tell Cass specific details, but you could tell her that Tina was inappropriate. Also in how Cass approaches men, Tina might've told her about her adventures. Hmm... i guess she could still be Cass' friend, but there needs to be a talk about boundaries and sexuality. Cass seems to be a bit forgotten in this situation and Tina has caused trouble. Cass needs some attention and care. OOP I did forget about her a little bit, when she is going to be effected by this as much as anyone else. when she gets home i plan on having a talk with her.   This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP) Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading. Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved. submitted by /u/BigONerd to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]

We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together! Welcome to the 24 hour pledge! I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same. Maybe you're new to /r/stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others. It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol! This pledge is a statement of intent. Today we don't set out trying not to drink, we make a conscious decision not to drink. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset! What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in /r/stopdrinking, we're not ready to give up. What this is: A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at /r/stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning. What this isn't: A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread. This post goes up at: US - Night/Early Morning Europe - Morning Asia and Australia - Evening/Night A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar. GOOD MORNING SOBER WARRIORS! It's Sober Sunday, and I was asked to throw up a post since there's a MIA chair for the day at least. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible given the heavy news at hand. We're all struggling with horrific things, whether in our lives or in the real world. But let's not lose faith in ourselves to maintain sobriety in the face of these moments. So to give some direction and help right the compass, here's some ideas to try: Find someone in the DCI today and ask to talk with them if they're available and you're struggling. Start an unrelated discussion with someone (or comment on something they've said and start building rapport that way) and find a sobriety buddy Walk away from all of the socials. Take a break. Meditate, breathe with intent, do some yoga, read a book, any kind of distraction like we do for thoughts of drinking in other cases. Tell yourself that "this isn't normal." But also give yourself space to figure out what to do with what you're feeling. How to use it, etc. Remind yourself why you're sober. Play the tape forward and keep living your life. Meet your HALT needs, and take a nap even if you're not tired. Get up, and journal your feelings. Getting it out of your head stops the rumination. TRUST! Always lead with love in all interactions! Yes, even those ones!!! I know I'm working extra hard to not lose my mind. I'm right there with you. Remember, I'm pullin for ya, we're all in this together. Keep your stick on the ice! Show everyone you can some extra love in the comments today! I LOVE Y'ALL AND I WILL NOT DRINK WITH YOU TODAY! submitted by /u/LilyJayne80 to r/stopdrinking [link] [comments]

TL;DR: For ~2–3 years something odd has been targeting my life — stains, shadows, physical symptoms (scalp pictured above), lost items, and bad luck — starting around my dog Kobie’s illness; I’ve tried doctors, pest control, cleansings, and repairs and nothing helps. Desperate for advice. — My attempt at “summarizing”: Hi everyone, I’ve been hesitant to post this, but I feel like I’m at a point where I can’t ignore what’s happening anymore. Physically and practically my life has been unraveling and something bigger than me feels like it’s taking over my life. This all started about three years ago, around the time my dog Kobie was diagnosed with kidney failure. He was always such a strong, independent dog — walks with me were the only time he was truly attached — but during that period, he became unusually dependent and needy, almost like he knew something bad was coming. Shortly before this past Christmas, my mom called me crying, saying that Kobie probably wouldn’t make it to Christmas. When I came home for the holiday, he wasn’t the Kobe I knew — he was weaker, more clingy, and strangely dependent on me. That Christmas break felt heavier because we became closer in this strange, intense way. The first week of January, I got really sick — vomiting in unusual shapes — and that’s when a freak accident at work happened. Someone came late to my yoga class and dropped a glass water bottle. I tried to clean it up myself, injured my hand, fainted, and was fired for not following “proper protocol,” even though there was no first aid kit. Fighting it through HR didn’t work, and that incident marked the start of a chain of chaos in my life. Around the same time, my paranormal experiences began escalating. Three years ago, i was having sleep paralysis where a creepy hand was beside me holding me down. At the beginning of this year, I woke up all morning with my hands, inflamed, and my boyfriend had even said like they look like old lady hands. Then, I started seeing dark shadows in Kobie’s room while he was still alive. He screamed in pain at night, and marks would appear where he had been. I now see these same marks everywhere. My body and skin feel stretched, my scalp is a mess (added a pic), my hair suddenly went red (I’m normally brunette doing blonde), and sensations of being physically “squished” or pulled. My boyfriend recently slept over and felt something pressing on his chest. My apartment has become unmanageable to handle: Garbage trails follow me, hair clippings, and even my foot clippings vanish. Appliances echo after I turn them off. Chairs move when no one’s there. Stains and garbage trails follow me everywhere — my apartment, my parents’ house, even my car. No matter how much I clean, sweep, or vacuum, nothing makes a difference. Pest control, environmental checks, and professional cleaning haven’t solved anything. I spent $7k to fix my car, BMW told me that I wasn’t going crazy and that my oil engine had a leak because there was some chewing or tampering with the wiring there and then it looked like someone had dumped like over a gallon of coffee in the centre console so right underneath my armpit would rest. Looking back when this whole thing started bad stuff was happening, but I just kept thinking like OK that’s not in alignment with me I guess and I just kept trying to stay positive and even with the lucid dreaming I was like I don’t wanna give whatever this is power. For example, two years ago, my best friends since high school randomly ghosted me — shortly after I ended my engagement. I hadn’t fully opened up about it, but even now, looking back, I realize they should have supported me especially after a ten year friendship. Around that same period, I was fired from my full-time marketing job. I pivoted to teaching yoga and Pilates, and things were going really well… but it seems like whatever is following me isn’t happy with me making the best of my life. Since then, I’ve had freak accidents, lost opportunities, and even tried spiritual cleansing, church visits, and professional help — including a scam “black magic” clearing that cost me money. Nothing works. It’s reached a point where I can’t even do the things I love anymore. I can’t stretch in yoga or Pilates without feeling wrong in my body. I’m all frazzled things fall out of my hands or I drop things and I can’t form proper sentences sometimes if someone asked me a question. Things randomly appear, stains show up, and I feel like I’m being physically pulled down — like gravity itself is against me. I feel trapped in my own body and my own space. I haven’t even been able to properly grieve Kobie because I’m fighting something I don’t understand, and it’s isolating. My fingers randomly turn black, and I feel like my beauty and energy are being stripped away. Sometimes I feel like my place is mirroring my grandmother’s i was named after. I wake up and catch myself standing or moving like her, and it’s unsettling — one morning my hands looked like old lady hands. She had stains everywhere in her home, mostly water stains, but as a kid I always thought they looked like eyes and i remember always being weirded out by certain objects in her house. Now, I have similar marks, and it creeps me out. The day after she died, there was a bird watching me and Kobie. Once, while vacuuming my apartment in frustration, I looked out at my porch — I live near an airport on the top floor — and there was that same bird staring at me from the side. I’ve heard that we sometimes “pay for the sins of our grandparents or ancestors,” and sometimes I feel like that might be what’s happening to me. My grandparents worked incredibly hard for money, and they would have done anything for it — and now, being basically broke, it makes me question if some of this is tied to them. A friend once told me that spirits can latch on and make you think they’re familiar when they’re not. Thinking about it this way has made me feel conflicted about my grandparents, even though I know it’s not fair — and yet, the experience feels eerily similar or connected to them. I’ve asked for clarity on what this is but it doesn’t reveal itself. It stays hidden enough to cause stress on day to day living while making me look messy, disoriented, stupid and repulsive. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Even advice on how to reclaim your space, body, and energy when something invisible seems to be actively harming you would be helpful. I’m desperate. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I know this is long and a lot to take in — I just can’t think straight these days and I’m doing my best to get it all out. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to listen and share advice. submitted by /u/Actual-Durian1193 to r/Paranormal [link] [comments]

Hey guys, I just wanted to share something that’s really helped my grandma. She’s 63 and has had bad back pain for years. She couldn’t sleep well, and some days just getting out of bed was a struggle.A little while ago, I persuaded her to try chair yoga. I found an online community, and she started taking classes three times a week. At first, she was skeptical and thought it was all about floor poses, but it turns out it’s just gentle stretches she could do sitting in a chair. After a month, I found an app with a chair yoga program and installed it on her phone, so now she can do it anywhere. After about two months of doing it, her back pain has gone down, she’s sleeping better, and she’s moving around more easily. Plus, she doesn’t have to worry about hurting herself since it’s all done from a chair. submitted by /u/Ok-Somewhere4687 to r/yoga [link] [comments]

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_maria12421 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for Thinking There's a Hidden Affair Between My Husband and Best Friend? Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, betrayals, gaslighting, possible stalking/harassment Original Post: February 3, 2024 I (31F) have a deep suspicion that there is something weird going on between my husband (33M) and my best friend Maria (30F). My husband feels I am just seeing things and is mad at me that I do not trust him enough. Please tell me if what is going on is just in my head, or if you also find the situation from last weekend suspicious. Maria and I have been best friends since college. She has always been very outgoing, while I am more of an introvert. Maria was always a bit promiscuous and loved drama. She had a lot of boyfriends/hookups in college. She is also very beautiful and I always felt invisible when I was around her (I have weight issues). I always felt overshadowed by her. I was always very shy and my husband was the first person I ever dated. Maria always teased me that I had only been with one guy in my life. As we have grown older, Maria is still to be in a real long-term relationship. I feel that things have reversed now, and she keeps on telling me how lucky I am to have such an ambitious and reliable husband by my side. Around 6 months ago, my husband came to me and told me that he felt Maria was trying to flirt with him. He does not like Maria but tolerates her for me. During one of the dinner parties, Maria was acting very flirty around my husband. She was just laughing extra-loudly at all his jokes, complimenting his fitness, and touching him on the shoulders and arms. My husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with her behavior and asked me to talk to Maria. I was pissed off and talked to Maria. She got angry at me and said that she had known my husband for over a decade, he is like a brother to her. She felt my husband was trying to destroy our friendship because he did not like her. I felt she was genuine and let it go. Maria soon joined our gym because she wanted to take yoga classes with me. However, she spent more time in the weights room where my husband is. Again, my husband made comments about how she is always half-naked in the gym and asked him to spot her. Maria complained that my husband is being rude and unhelpful to her. I again took her side and told my husband to be helpful and nice to her, as she is my best friend. My husband said he would make more effort. I slowly started seeing them getting more and more friendly and working out together. I wanted to be cool, but I felt jealous. So now to what happened last weekend. Maria invited a bunch of her friends for a birthday party at her apartment. There were 7 guests there, including my husband and I. Maria kept on pushing tequila shots on all of us. Eventually, most of us got drunk. Maria was sitting next to my husband and was being very flirty with him, but I could see my husband not reciprocating, so didn't care. Maria insisted we stay back at her place, and my husband and I slept in the guest bedroom. The other three guests, who were her coworkers (1 guy and 2 girls) crashed on the sofas in the living room. I was drunk and the last thing I remember was my husband bringing me to the guest room. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was alone in bed. I could hear some moaning noises from outside. I quickly started looking for my phone in the dark. In that process, I dropped something from the nightstand on the floor. The noises stopped and I heard a door open and close outside. I quickly got up to see where my husband was. When I reached the hallway, I saw my husband, just in his jeans with no shirt on. I asked him where he was, and he said he went to the restroom and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and he came and slept next to me. He was sweaty. I asked him where his shirt was, and he said that the heater was too high, and he felt hot. His T-shirt was on a chair next to the bed. I lay down, but I was barely able to sleep after that. I got up early and went into Maria's room and she was sleeping alone naked. I told her we were taking off, and she got up to see us off. I kept this all to myself, and when we reached home and my husband went to take a shower, I immediately checked his phone. I could not find any messages between him and Maria. I spent the whole day thinking about it and finally confronted my husband regarding it at night. He was pretty angry at me and told me that he hates Maria and the only reason he tolerates Maria is because of me. I told him about the moaning noises, and he said he also heard the same when he went to the restroom but thought they were coming from the living room. He is still angry at me, that I can accuse him of something so horrible, and has told me that if I am really that insecure, I should cut off my friendship with Maria. He also told me that he was never going to be in the same room as Maria ever again. I have no idea what to do. On one hand, I know my husband would never cheat on me. But, it's just impossible to get the doubts out of my head. I keep on picturing my husband and Maria together in her bed. Am I the asshole to confront my husband and accuse him of cheating, just because of what I saw, and not having any real proof? How do I know what happened? If I confront Maria and accuse her, she is also going to be equally mad at me. I don't know her coworker friends well enough to trust what they say. I just feel stupid for trying to push for friendship between my husband and Maria. Please help! Update: they are texting via Facebook messenger. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions based on the comments Relevant Comments veronica19922022: Maria isn’t your best friend. I say that sincerely as someone else who had “best friends” my whole life who were similar to Maria. I had a best friend like this who was prettier, funnier, more outgoing, better with men, everything in college. My boyfriend also didn’t like her. She also tried to flirt with him. I also worried about this. I was wrong. My boyfriend didn’t cheat on me. And it’s unlikely your husband cheated on you with her if he dislikes her so much. Much more likely his story is correct that he was hot and took his shirt off. Drinking makes you feel hot on top of having a heater on and sleeping. Listen- as someone who has been through this. Put some distance between yourself and Maria. You don’t have to cut her out 100% but maybe take her down to about 20% “But we’ve been through so much together!” Yea i know. But what’s even better than that is having friends who you aren’t worried want to steal your husband. Judgement: Maria is an AH. Husband is NTA. You are to be determined. Take this as a chance to apologize and move on. If you don’t you WBTAH OOP: Thanks. Needless to say, I will increase our distance from Maria. I feel threatened by her, especially since I see her flirting with my husband and I am not ok. She does the same thing with most other men, and hence, I always chalked her behavior to this is how she is. I hope what you are saying is true about my husband. I feel the fact that I just can't get it out of my head and it's been almost 5 days since the incident makes me very anxious. I have apologized to my husband and is says it's okay, but I can see he is still angry at me. Top Comments LegalNebula4797: Most of the comments I’ve read have gone in on Maria and discussed how she’s not your friend - I agree. But I want to talk about the fact that you really NEED to be a better partner to your husband. He has expressed discomfort many times to you. You have flatly ignored his feelings and brushed them aside. You have even encouraged him to be close to someone who he doesn’t even like. Stop it, OP. This is wrong. If someone was constantly flirting with and harassing you, how would you like it if your love and partner told you to get over it and play nice? Respect your husband’s decisions to never go around Maria again. He said “I will never be in the same room as her again.” Let that be the law of the land. It’s NOT your place to try to force him to be around her then get mad when you can tell the vibes are off which he’s explicitly told you over and over. Do better, OP. Your husband is never seeing her again and I don’t know why you would want to either. Some friends don’t stay in your life forever. This is done. Move on from her to try to save your marriage.   Update: March 13, 2024 (one month later) I had posted about a month ago regarding suspecting my husband and my best friend Maria sleeping together while I was drunk and passed out in another room. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ahkfhg/aitah_for_thinking_theres_a_hidden_affair_between/ A lot happened during the last month, and my mental health is at its lowest due to the betrayals. However, I think I now know what happened that night. I am sorry for the long post. So, the day after my husband and I stayed at Maria's house for her birthday party, I was unable to shake the feeling that something happened between them. I am not proud but I checked my husband's phone and all his messaging apps. I only found a brief chat between my husband and Maria on Facebook Messenger. Maria thanked my husband for coming to her birthday party and for such a great night. She sent him a photo of them hugging at the end of the night (after I was asleep). My husband told Maria that I suspected that something happened between them and asked her to talk to me. Maria told him that she would talk to me. Maria called me the next day and told me that I was crazy and she would never think of doing such a thing to me. She sounded convincing, but I just couldn't shake the gut feeling that something happened. I told her why I suspected them, and she called me crazy and that my head was making up stuff that did not exist. I also mentioned that I saw her photo with my husband after I was asleep and she should have kept her distance from him. I decided to distance myself from her, as I no longer trusted her as a friend. We also changed the times we went to the gym so that we don't run into her. After a week or so, she messaged my husband on Facebook Messenger that they should tell me the whole truth. My husband kept on asking her what she was talking about, but she kept on telling him that she felt guilty. My husband came to me and told me that Maria is sending messages to him and he is not sure what she is inferring. He kept on assuring me that nothing happened between them that night. I told him that I read their secret chats on Facebook Messenger. He gas-lighted me, calling me insecure and that Maria was trying to play with my head. I finally decided to go to Maria's house and ask her what was going on. Maria initially kept on saying that she did not want to talk about it. However, finally, she broke down and told me what happened. She told me that during the night of the birthday party, my husband kept on staring at her. After they realized I was too drunk, he took me to the bedroom and again went back to the living room. At this point, he was sitting next to Maria and kept on touching her legs playfully. Maria was also very drunk and they decided to call it a night in 30 minutes. Maria said that my husband followed her to her room and he started undressing her and they were intimate together. She told me that she was too drunk to consent to anything and felt like he SA her. She kept quiet to keep peace, but it was bugging her from inside. I asked her if she was sure as she was too drunk that night, and she said that although she was drunk she remembers all the details. I confronted my husband, but he still kept on telling me that what he was telling was the truth, and Maria never liked him and was playing me for a fool. He was so angry at me that he left the house and is currently living in a hotel nearby. He keeps on calling me and asking me to trust him, but I don't know how I can trust him now. I never expected him to do such a thing. Maria has also been trying to talk to me and asking me to be there to support her. However, I do not know if I can look at either one of them. I am just going to try and cope with the situation and plan to go and live with my parents for a few days until my husband and I agree about our future. I know you all thought I was crazy in the previous post, but I knew in my gut that something was wrong, and never expected my life to suddenly come to this point. Relevant Comments bansdonothing69: If you’re looking for some honesty, have you noticed that your friend’s version of the story just so happens to make your husband look like the bad guy and her completely innocent and a victim? After her messaging that they should come clean and that she feels bad? Which one is it? Does she feel bad about what she did, or was just a victim? It smells of bullshit. OOP: The thing is I don't know what to believe. On one hand, I trust my husband. However, my mind just won't let go of the image of them hooking up that night and it haunts me like a nightmare. How would I even know who is telling the truth? I am just going mad at this point trying to think of every small detail that I might be missing. I have told my husband I need some time, and he understands. However, he also asks how can he prove something that never happened. Top Comment Mariposita48: You are conveniently believing Maria over your husband again... as others have mentioned it's odd that she'd thank him for a great night, but then claim to you that she was SA. Idk seems to me you'd rather believe the worst in your husband truth be damned   ----NEW UPDATE---- DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED Final Update - March 22, 2024 I posted about my husband and my best friend Maria having an affair. Although I did not have any solid proof that anything happened, my friend came clean and told me that my husband SA'ed her while she was drunk. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ahkfhg/aitah_for_thinking_theres_a_hidden_affair_between/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1be2l1q/update_aitah_for_thinking_theres_a_hidden_affair/ I initially did not know who to believe and thought my friend was telling the truth. My husband was upset that I did not trust him and left the house to stay at a hotel. After posting the update, I read the comments until 4 am and cried uncontrollably. I let my insecurities and crazy trust Maria when it was clear that my husband was telling the truth. Sorry for the long post. You helped me so much and might have saved my life. For the few people who DMed me vile messages, I am mentally unstable, but that does not mean I need to end my life. I was not always insecure. When I met my husband a decade ago, we were both overweight. He never cared about my weight as long as I was happy. A year before we married, I had an idea where we lose weight before our wedding date. He took his fitness seriously and lost 40 pounds that year, while I was not disciplined and did not lose any. Our wedding photo looks like Ryan Reynolds is marrying Princess Fiona from Shrek. This made me insecure about my weight. It did not help that my mom and Maria kept on telling me that I needed to lose weight, or else he would leave me for someone more beautiful. The question in my mind was not if he would leave me, but when. He knows my struggles and has always been supportive and loving towards me. I went to meet him in the morning, and I have never seen him so broken. I started apologizing and crying and he was trying to calm me down for almost an hour. I told him I trusted him completely and apologized that I did not see it sooner. He just looked stone-faced. He said he knew I would trust him eventually, but he is worried about Maria. He kept checking his social media because he was scared she might post about it. He said he could not imagine what his parents, friends, and coworkers would think if they saw the accusations. He told me that we need to talk to Maria to not spread such lies. I told him in detail what Maria told me, and he told me what happened that night. He said that I fell asleep on his lap around 1.30 am. He woke me up and took me to the bedroom. He came out to say goodbye to everyone, but the party was already dying. My husband was not drunk (he generally never drinks more than 1-2 drinks ever), but Maria and her friends were very drunk. Maria wanted to take some final pictures and went to everyone and made silly poses. That was the photo she sent to my husband. She asked my husband if he could come with her to the bedroom to get some blankets and pillows for others. My husband told her he needed to check on me, and the other male coworker volunteered to go with her and get stuff. My husband then came to the room and slept. He woke up 2 hours later and went to the restroom. He confirmed that he heard the moaning noises, but they had stopped when he came out of the restroom. We decided to talk to Maria and I invited her to our house on Saturday evening. She was shocked to see my husband with me in the house. My husband told her that she knew what she was saying was wrong and he still had the messages where she thanked him the next day. Maria got defensive and started telling me that she blacked out that night, but later slowly started to put together what happened that night since she was naked when she woke up. She asked me why she would sleep naked without locking the room door when her coworkers were in the next room. She said that she remembers my husband coming to her room and having sex with her, while she was extremely drunk. My husband told Maria that none of this happened, and she kept on insisting that she clearly remembered him naked and having sex with her. He told her, if that was true, tell me how big his penis was. She was taken aback and shouted to him, just because it was huge does not mean I enjoyed the sex, and that she was extremely drunk. I asked Maria if she was sure and she said she would never forget it. The thing is my husband is noticeably smaller than average in that area. I am not complaining as he always gets the job done, but I knew Maria was full of shit. A screaming match began between Maria and me and I told her she was full of shit and to get out of my house. I told her that if she accused my husband, I would stand by him and tell everyone I was in the next room, and none of this happened. Maria was crying at this moment and told me to enjoy my life with a rapist. I hugged my husband, but he still looked void of any emotions. He told me not to freak out but he had planned to visit his parents' house to reset his head before I talked to him. I wanted to be with him, but he insisted he wanted to be alone for a week and will be back on Saturday. He also called my mom to come to our house, so I am not alone. We told her what happened, and she was very angry at me. I have been talking to him all week on phone, and he plans to return tomorrow. I feel lucky and undeserving of such a good husband and cannot believe I was so close to losing him. I have not heard from Maria, but at this point, our friendship is over. Again thanks to everyone who sent well-meaning messages to me all through the week. I truly appreciate it. I have signed up for therapy this week and hopefully will be able to be a better wife to my husband forever.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/LadySavings. She posted in r/AITAH. This is an update to my previous BORU post here. The newest update will be marked with ***** Trigger Warning: infidelity; Andrew Tater Tot idiocy Mood Spoiler: OOP is going to be ok Original Post: July 3, 2023 Husband (33M) and (33f) have been married for 10 years, together since college. Since starting out we have made financial security a priority and have been able to achieve that, albeit with some good luck along the way. We both have good jobs (paying close to 200K each). Student loans were paid off within a few years (both went to state schools with some scholarships so didn't have a lot of debt to begin with), we live in a house I inherited from my grandmother (no mortgage), and don't have any credit card debt. We max out our 401(k)s and currently have 18 months of expenses in our emergency fund and are still adding to it. Our cars are both paid off and should be good for another 5+ years and we don't have any credit card debt. We manage our finances in a hybrid manner - joint accounts for bills and savings, and separate accounts for our "fun" money (we each get a pretty generous monthly allotment). The fun money is strictly for our individual expenses (hobbies, clothes, outings with friends, etc.) and NOT for things like date nights, vacations, or larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs which come out of our joint account. We also agreed that if either of us gets any bonuses (or has any side hustle income) those will go into our individual fun money accounts, unless the funds are needed for a larger expense such as a major home repair. In terms of the "fun" money, my husband is much more of a spender than I am due to expensive hobbies (in particular golf and collecting sports memorabilia, and he's also more into designer clothes), which is fine - it's his fun money! On the other hand, my hobbies are a lot less expensive (running/working out, reading, baking). In general I'm more introverted and a great time for me is tea with a friend at one of our homes, with homemade pastries. I have also been getting back into gaming lately after setting it aside for much of the past decade while building my career. After realizing I had more than enough in my fun money account, I decided to overhaul my gaming setup and got myself a new PC, desk and gaming chair (total cost of about $5,000). However, upon hearing about the purchase, my husband is furious. He says he had no idea I had saved so much money and that I should have consulted him before spending $5K. I asked what difference it made if it was my own accrued fun money and not our joint funds, and he insisted that my accumulating this amount, without telling him, was a form of financial infidelity. He says he lost trust in me and doesn't know what else I might be hiding. He is demanding that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fun money accounts can't accumulate more than $2K and that any excess goes back to the joint account (a rule that would obviously favor him as a person who spends most of his allotment each month instead of saving up for anything bigger). I feel like I am being punished for being more of a day-to-day saver than spender. It wouldn't occur to me to demand to know how much my husband has in his fun money account or to try to micromanage what he spends it on. I wasn't hiding anything deliberately - he never asked about it until after I made the purchases. Still, maybe I should have been more transparent about my plans. So AITAH? Miscellaneous Info: Husband and I each have our own office/hobby room in the house so it's not like the gaming setup was going in a space he uses. I don't usually game when my husband is home unless he's already busy doing something else - my biggest block of gaming time is typically when he's off playing golf. Also, I run 40-50 miles a week so it's not like I am generally sedentary. I can't think of a good reason why he would object to me gaming or having a nice gaming setup in my own space in the house. Relevant Comments: "I actually had/have a lot more than $5K saved! We have had this arrangement for a few years and I typically only spend about $500 of my allotted $1500/month. Maybe a bit more some months if I need to replace my running shoes, buy other clothes, or have any outings with friends planned like concerts, but in that range." Girl, what does he actually contribute to your household? "Although our incomes are about equal, I work shorter hours at home (with occasional in-office days or business travel) and he works long hours in the office, plus an hour of commuting time each way. Perhaps because I'm home all the time, having a very tidy home and fresh-cooked meals is a priority for me! I primarily do those things for me and not for him even though he benefits as well. I'd still have to cook and clean if I were living in the house by myself, unless I wanted to hire someone to do those things (but I don't as I genuinely enjoy cooking and housework). We do have breakfast together most days unless he has to leave early, dinner together most days, and weekend date/activity time in addition to pursuing our own hobbies. He's smart, hilarious and a delightful companion (at least other than this latest issue). I realize I haven't emphasized the positive in this thread (because I've been pretty pissed, ha) but other than this he has been a great partner and husband." People are confused on how much money they have, so OOP elaborates: "Together we have joint cash savings of 250K, plus retirement savings approaching the 7-figure mark." Could he be hiding a debt/gambling addiction? "I manage all our bank accounts and check them daily and also handle all the bill pay. Nothing suspicious so far! He admits he's not great with money and would spend more without a budget." In AITAH there is no overall "vote" indicating if OOP is the asshole, but the majority of the comments indicated NTA Update Post: July 11, 2023 (8 days later) Here's the TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind - we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for "fun money" (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren't together, etc.). Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair. Husband blew a gasket and accused me of "financial infidelity" even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff. Anyway, here is the update: My husband finally calmed down enough to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn't really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons: In general, he feels that he's a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It's true that although we currently have about the same income, the ceiling for his field (finance) is a lot higher than the one for mine (tech/software dev). He's currently in an executive training program and I'm decidedly not. He's feeling resentful that he he's having to work long hours in a high-pressure environment, while I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me and I'm not stretching myself to do more. He's concerned that over time these resentments are going to build, and that I'm not going to end up pulling my weight financially if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don't. He remarked that, since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I have been putting a bit less effort into cooking (I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule). It's true that I have been fixing simpler meals (things like grilled chicken salads, or chili with cornbread) instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides. He has also noticed that I haven't been doing the elaborate table settings I used to (with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc.) - honestly I didn't realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages so overall he's feeling a little neglected because of this. He also feels I'm not putting enough effort into my appearance. Not in terms of weight/body (I'm a long-distance runner and slim) but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc. It's true that I've never paid much attention to these things - given that I work at home in tech the standard for appearances is extremely low and I far exceed that. I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don't wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail. I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a T-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort. The bottom line is that because of all these things, he's starting to notice other women. Says he hasn't cheated, he's just noticing other people because he's regularly disappointed in me. In particular, given that he works in finance there are a good number of very career-oriented, Type-A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies. He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I am a good person and that he's being judgmental - that it's not so much I've changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple years. The "financial infidelity" part came into it because he feels I'm not really investing in myself and our relationship - thus cheating on our future, in a sense. He also says he loves me enough to be honest (I do believe he isn't trying to be hurtful, I really had to drag this all this out of him). That he doesn't want us to drift apart further, that he doesn't want to be angry and resentful, and he knows he is asking for a lot. I know that many on this sub might say I should just tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we've been married for 10 years, have invested a lot in the relationship, and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So, a couple things. First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I'm going to try to do at least some of the above. I'm not sure about making myself be more professionally ambitious when I'm already happy with my work-life balance and we're already financially very comfortable, but I can at least try doing the other things (return to spending more time on cooking and decor, and fix myself up a bit when he's on his way home from work) now that I know they are important to him. I also know that in the end, I may feel like I am just tiptoeing around and contorting myself to please him, but it won't cost me much (certainly much less than a divorce!) to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know I would always regret it if I didn't try. So, maybe not the update that you were expecting or hoping for, but that's where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling and once I can feel out how the changes are going. EDIT: I need to call it a night but once again thank you to everyone for your responses. They were really eye-opening and helped me to see that I do deserve better than the way I am being treated, and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn't doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table. I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing and that is impacting what I think is reasonable here. I have a lot to think about, such as - what do I *really* want here? What is going to make me happy, especially if I have to keep making myself smaller (metaphorically speaking) and contorting myself to please my husband? Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions? I think I'm really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment but I think I will wait to make any other changes until we can at least get some professional input. Additional Edit: To clarify, my typical at-home attire/look that he has been complaining about looks something like this: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-seamless-baby-t-shirt-joylab/-/A-87399931?preselect=87390237#lnk=sametab (This is NOT me but a similar look - fitted short-sleeved shirt, yoga pants, hair in a ponytail. Something that looks casual but neat. I am NOT wearing sloppy, baggy, sweatpants and oversized T-shirts!) Relevant Comments: Many of OOP's comments (before her edit) are her explaining why she will do what her husband has 'requested.' Here is an example: "Thanks! The things I am willing to do at the moment won't take very much in terms of time, and if they genuinely make him feel more appreciated and cared for they will absolutely be worth it. I want to show my husband that I am hearing him and taking his concerns and feelings seriously enough to at least *try* to make an effort in what he asked. If it doesn't work it doesn't and we can still separate a couple or few months down the road, but I would definitely regret not even trying." More in depth of their relationship/what she does/what he feels (apparently): "To answer your questions, yes, we each currently make about $200K, so $400K between the two of us. And yes, his concern is that he's going to get promoted to a much higher salary executive position (he's currently being mentored/trained for such a position, which will pay $500K+, and is due to be promoted in the next couple years if all goes well with the mentoring program) and I'll fall behind in earnings. Granted, we don't need the money for anything as we don't have debt of any kind, don't have and aren't planning on having kids, and already have close to $1 million in retirement savings with 30+ years left to work. But he's feeling like I'm going to be somehow riding his coattails? Taking advantage of him? Coasting while he just works harder and harder with longer and longer hours? All of the above I suppose. In terms of meals, yes, I do all the prep, cooking, tablesetting, and cleanup. I do actually really enjoy it and part of it is self-care for me, not just taking care of him. After all, I get to eat the food too! And as I work at home I usually make enough that I can have food for lunch the next day too. I know this doesn't seem fair and that others probably think he should contribute more - but it really doesn't bother me at all, as long as he does enjoy and appreciate it. In terms of work, I'm usually done by 5-6 pm and these days he doesn't get home until about 9 pm. So I wouldn't have to wear makeup and dressy clothes for work, I could just quickly change and fix my hair and makeup when he's on his way home. I don't think the clothes necessarily need to be designer - I can buy blouses/skirts and dresses at Target just as well as t-shirts and yoga pants. Or shop thrift stores or department store sales. I do agree that the women he is comparing me to probably don't wear fancy clothes and makeup at home! He's just seeing them in professional settings that require formal business dress. Anyway, I appreciate you saying I haven't done anything wrong here." There is a difference between a preference and a boundary: "It's true that he did use the word "boundary" in our conversation where he revealed his unhappiness with me. (As in, "I have realized it's a boundary for me to be able to come home to a nicely-dressed wife who has prepared a thoughtful meal.") And yes, I do realize that completely misuses the word "boundary."" Again, I am NOT the Original Poster. Please do not comment on the Original Posts as it is considered brigading. Update Post: July 18, 2023 (This came out a few hours after I posted the original BORU, so I edited into that post.) Hi All...so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga. First post was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14pynpt/aitah_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/ (husband was furious that I spent $5K on a gaming computer, desk and chair even though we are high income earners in a great financial position and I used my own allotment of "fun money" within our established rules) Second post was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14x9o69/update_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/ (husband told me he was actually upset that he feels I'm not professionally ambitious enough because I'm not on the "executive" track like he is, and that (despite my working full-time) he wanted me to cook fancier meals, set the table in a more elegant way, and dress up more for dinner - yes, like a 1950s housewife) So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests - demands, really - were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game. So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients. Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries). I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm "thanks, it was tasty" and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup. Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a "thanks, it's good" and no help with serving or cleanup. Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was "acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting." He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a "low-value woman." I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met. WHAT?!?! Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I'd had my first year of college. And that's it, both committed relationships and nothing casual. He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And - that he's "connected" with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I'd better step up. I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). Told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place. I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn't want to see it, that his "complaints" were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage. Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. Have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that. Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a "him" problem. Obviously we don't share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don't recognize. I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over. Relevant Comments: One last gem from the 'husband':Yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently. Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset, after a 12-year relationship including 10 years of marriage, is just completely over the top. I even said, "So this person you connected with at work, is actually a virgin?" "Well, she WAS," he said, with a smirk. (So, virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is higher-value than me? Unless he lied about his marital status/situation which I wouldn't put past him.)" "Yes, he admitted he has been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that "it doesn't really count as cheating" because I'm low-value so the standards are different." A great commenting exchange here: Commenter: A spouse who is having an affair starts criticizing aspects of the betrayed spouse's appearance, taste, upbringing, values, and background that were never an issue before he/she chose to stray as (in their warped perception) justification for cheating. I will bet you dollars to half moons (a bakery treat from my childhood home) that OOP's non-virginity was not a true problem for her STBX or he never would have married her. He simply latched onto it as rationalization for his outrageous demands (a deflection from his infidelity) because it's something that she cannot change. I would say that HE is the low value partner. OOP: Yes, this completely makes sense now. Initially he started criticizing things that had never been an issue before but that would hurt my feelings, but ultimately they were things I could change if I wanted to (my appearance, cooking/housekeeping effort, and even my career aspirations). When he found I *did* make a quick effort to change some of those things (appearance, cooking and housekeeping) he moved to criticizing something I cannot ever change, my sexual history, something he could hold over me forever if I stayed in the relationship. It's very clear now and scary how he was able to erode my self-esteem and confidence to the point that I actually believed a lot of his BS until he took it too far. ******** Newest Update: July 20, 2023 (17 days from OG post)*******\* Hi All - I wasn't going to post another update (at least not this soon), but have gotten dozens of DMs/messages asking if I am okay and how things are going - so this is specifically in response to those who were checking in on me. To recap my story, I first posted a couple weeks ago that my husband accused me of financial infidelity after I spent $5K of my own "fun money" allotment on a gaming computer, desk and chair, even though my spending was within our agreed-upon rules; he subsequently "admitted" that he wasn't really upset about the gaming setup, but about what he perceived as a lack of professional ambition (I'm a senior software dev and we make the same salary at the moment), plus he wanted me to cook more elaborate meals, put more effort into home decor, and dress up more for him. Finally, about a week later he accused me of being "low value" due to not being a virgin when we met (at age 21 - neither was he - and he never once previously criticized that in our 12 years together) and told me he was having an affair with a younger coworker who had been a virgin (gross, I know). Then he moved out (and in with her). Folks have been asking me this week how things went with him picking up his stuff, meeting with my lawyer, etc. so wanted to share those updates for anyone interested. So, he was supposed to come get his stuff on Tuesday evening, a couple days ago, but told me at the last minute he couldn't because "Amy" (his girlfriend) wasn't feeling well. Some people called in the comments, but yes, she's pregnant apparently. He told me this on text so I have proof of the affair in writing now, it's not just his word against mine. Anyway I didn't want him to keep jerking me around on the schedule, for whatever reason, so I told him I'd pack his stuff for him and arrange for movers. I think it's better that way, I really didn't want him/them in the house. I already had arranged for a friend to come over on Tuesday when he and Amy were supposed to come by so the two of us spent the evening packing his clothes and other personal effects. The movers came yesterday and got the boxes and the furniture items he wanted. He didn't want much, just the stuff from his home office and his dresser, as apparently Amy's apartment is small. I provided a detailed inventory and photos of everything, which he approved, so he can't say that I broke or otherwise ruined his stuff. After that yesterday I went to the clinic to get STD tests (won't have the results for a week or so, but thankfully I haven't had any symptoms) and met with my lawyer, who said I had a good case for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty if I want/need to go that route (at a minimum it's leverage to get him to settle quickly and quietly). Also locked down all the finances within the parameters provided by the lawyer so that he can't empty our joint funds or take anything that belongs to me, changed account beneficiaries and all that fun stuff. Changed the locks to the house too. I decided to take the advice of some of the commenters and am getting rid of the bed and other bedroom furniture I shared with him (I'm donating it, someone is coming this afternoon to haul it all off) and am going to completely redecorate the bedroom to my own taste (that will take a bit, staying in one of the guest rooms in the meantime). I'm also taking a spa weekend away, leaving tomorrow morning and back Sunday night, just to get a change of scenery before I have to go back to work next week. And yes, even after buying the gaming setup, I have plenty of "fun money" left in my account to afford my lawyer's retainer and redoing the bedroom as well as my getaway, with plenty left over - here's to frugality when it counts! Those are the main updates for the moment. I'm doing better than expected, I think, and realizing more day by day that it really wasn't a good marriage, at least not for the last couple years when he started expecting me to do everything around the house, and all the other emotional labor of running our lives outside of work, with no help and little to no gratitude. Amy sure is going to have her hands full. EDIT: Once again, I cannot thank everyone here enough! I need to get ready for my spa weekend away :) so apologies if advance if I have not responded to your comment or DM, but I am really grateful for all the support and encouragement. Hopefully there won't be any more notable updates for a while - I really just want a smooth and easy divorce and to get on with my life - so please keep your fingers crossed for me! Relevant Comments: The incoming child: "Also, he was hard-core childfree before (I didn't want kids either, but he was especially militant about it). I mean, maybe he changed his mind, but it doesn't seem like this was exactly a planned pregnancy. Plus, he can't even be bothered to put his own laundry in the hamper or put a dish in the dishwasher - how is he going to deal with an infant? Anyway, not really my problem and I guess he'll figure it out (or not)." Is he her superior at work? "My understanding is that that they are peers (he isn't her boss) - I don't think it is against the rules for coworkers of the same level to date. At least not as some of our (well, his, really) friends met at work there and it wasn't an issue. So for that reason I think I'll stay out of it, especially as I do want him to stay gainfully employed until the divorce is completely final. Still, I agree it's awfully foolish to have an affair at work that results in a pregnancy while one of the people is still married. I mean, you can't hide that messiness, it's going to be physically obvious." Further info on that: "Right, it's probably going to cause some drama at the office but isn't fireable unless they do something even more foolish like getting caught in the act at work. (As far as I know nothing like that happened, when he was disclosing the affair the other day he said that he often went to her place after work when he was supposedly working late, and sometimes on Saturdays instead of playing golf.)" How is a 24 year old making the same amount of money as your ex? "They are both in an executive training program for fairly recent MBA graduates. Amy is apparently some sort of prodigy who got hers at 21. My STBX started out in supply chain management, then the company paid for his MBA which he finished a couple years ago, and after that he moved to the finance side and was accepted into the training program earlier this year." "She's 24, apparently graduated from college at 18 and got her MBA at 21. And he just got his MBA a couple years ago, was on a different business operations track before switching to finance." submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/LadySavings. She posted in r/AITAH. Trigger Warning: Andrew Tate idiocy Mood Spoiler: a doozy Original Post: July 3, 2023 Husband (33M) and (33f) have been married for 10 years, together since college. Since starting out we have made financial security a priority and have been able to achieve that, albeit with some good luck along the way. We both have good jobs (paying close to 200K each). Student loans were paid off within a few years (both went to state schools with some scholarships so didn't have a lot of debt to begin with), we live in a house I inherited from my grandmother (no mortgage), and don't have any credit card debt. We max out our 401(k)s and currently have 18 months of expenses in our emergency fund and are still adding to it. Our cars are both paid off and should be good for another 5+ years and we don't have any credit card debt. We manage our finances in a hybrid manner - joint accounts for bills and savings, and separate accounts for our "fun" money (we each get a pretty generous monthly allotment). The fun money is strictly for our individual expenses (hobbies, clothes, outings with friends, etc.) and NOT for things like date nights, vacations, or larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs which come out of our joint account. We also agreed that if either of us gets any bonuses (or has any side hustle income) those will go into our individual fun money accounts, unless the funds are needed for a larger expense such as a major home repair. In terms of the "fun" money, my husband is much more of a spender than I am due to expensive hobbies (in particular golf and collecting sports memorabilia, and he's also more into designer clothes), which is fine - it's his fun money! On the other hand, my hobbies are a lot less expensive (running/working out, reading, baking). In general I'm more introverted and a great time for me is tea with a friend at one of our homes, with homemade pastries. I have also been getting back into gaming lately after setting it aside for much of the past decade while building my career. After realizing I had more than enough in my fun money account, I decided to overhaul my gaming setup and got myself a new PC, desk and gaming chair (total cost of about $5,000). However, upon hearing about the purchase, my husband is furious. He says he had no idea I had saved so much money and that I should have consulted him before spending $5K. I asked what difference it made if it was my own accrued fun money and not our joint funds, and he insisted that my accumulating this amount, without telling him, was a form of financial infidelity. He says he lost trust in me and doesn't know what else I might be hiding. He is demanding that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fun money accounts can't accumulate more than $2K and that any excess goes back to the joint account (a rule that would obviously favor him as a person who spends most of his allotment each month instead of saving up for anything bigger). I feel like I am being punished for being more of a day-to-day saver than spender. It wouldn't occur to me to demand to know how much my husband has in his fun money account or to try to micromanage what he spends it on. I wasn't hiding anything deliberately - he never asked about it until after I made the purchases. Still, maybe I should have been more transparent about my plans. So AITAH? Miscellaneous Info: Husband and I each have our own office/hobby room in the house so it's not like the gaming setup was going in a space he uses. I don't usually game when my husband is home unless he's already busy doing something else - my biggest block of gaming time is typically when he's off playing golf. Also, I run 40-50 miles a week so it's not like I am generally sedentary. I can't think of a good reason why he would object to me gaming or having a nice gaming setup in my own space in the house. Relevant Comments: "I actually had/have a lot more than $5K saved! We have had this arrangement for a few years and I typically only spend about $500 of my allotted $1500/month. Maybe a bit more some months if I need to replace my running shoes, buy other clothes, or have any outings with friends planned like concerts, but in that range." Girl, what does he actually contribute to your household? "Although our incomes are about equal, I work shorter hours at home (with occasional in-office days or business travel) and he works long hours in the office, plus an hour of commuting time each way. Perhaps because I'm home all the time, having a very tidy home and fresh-cooked meals is a priority for me! I primarily do those things for me and not for him even though he benefits as well. I'd still have to cook and clean if I were living in the house by myself, unless I wanted to hire someone to do those things (but I don't as I genuinely enjoy cooking and housework). We do have breakfast together most days unless he has to leave early, dinner together most days, and weekend date/activity time in addition to pursuing our own hobbies. He's smart, hilarious and a delightful companion (at least other than this latest issue). I realize I haven't emphasized the positive in this thread (because I've been pretty pissed, ha) but other than this he has been a great partner and husband." People are confused on how much money they have, so OOP elaborates: "Together we have joint cash savings of 250K, plus retirement savings approaching the 7-figure mark." Could he be hiding a debt/gambling addiction? "I manage all our bank accounts and check them daily and also handle all the bill pay. Nothing suspicious so far! He admits he's not great with money and would spend more without a budget." In AITAH there is no overall "vote" indicating if OOP is the asshole, but the majority of the comments indicated NTA Update Post: July 11, 2023 (8 days later) Here's the TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind - we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for "fun money" (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren't together, etc.). Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair. Husband blew a gasket and accused me of "financial infidelity" even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff. Anyway, here is the update: My husband finally calmed down enough to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn't really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons: In general, he feels that he's a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It's true that although we currently have about the same income, the ceiling for his field (finance) is a lot higher than the one for mine (tech/software dev). He's currently in an executive training program and I'm decidedly not. He's feeling resentful that he he's having to work long hours in a high-pressure environment, while I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me and I'm not stretching myself to do more. He's concerned that over time these resentments are going to build, and that I'm not going to end up pulling my weight financially if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don't. He remarked that, since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I have been putting a bit less effort into cooking (I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule). It's true that I have been fixing simpler meals (things like grilled chicken salads, or chili with cornbread) instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides. He has also noticed that I haven't been doing the elaborate table settings I used to (with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc.) - honestly I didn't realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages so overall he's feeling a little neglected because of this. He also feels I'm not putting enough effort into my appearance. Not in terms of weight/body (I'm a long-distance runner and slim) but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc. It's true that I've never paid much attention to these things - given that I work at home in tech the standard for appearances is extremely low and I far exceed that. I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don't wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail. I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a T-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort. The bottom line is that because of all these things, he's starting to notice other women. Says he hasn't cheated, he's just noticing other people because he's regularly disappointed in me. In particular, given that he works in finance there are a good number of very career-oriented, Type-A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies. He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I am a good person and that he's being judgmental - that it's not so much I've changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple years. The "financial infidelity" part came into it because he feels I'm not really investing in myself and our relationship - thus cheating on our future, in a sense. He also says he loves me enough to be honest (I do believe he isn't trying to be hurtful, I really had to drag this all this out of him). That he doesn't want us to drift apart further, that he doesn't want to be angry and resentful, and he knows he is asking for a lot. I know that many on this sub might say I should just tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we've been married for 10 years, have invested a lot in the relationship, and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So, a couple things. First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I'm going to try to do at least some of the above. I'm not sure about making myself be more professionally ambitious when I'm already happy with my work-life balance and we're already financially very comfortable, but I can at least try doing the other things (return to spending more time on cooking and decor, and fix myself up a bit when he's on his way home from work) now that I know they are important to him. I also know that in the end, I may feel like I am just tiptoeing around and contorting myself to please him, but it won't cost me much (certainly much less than a divorce!) to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know I would always regret it if I didn't try. So, maybe not the update that you were expecting or hoping for, but that's where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling and once I can feel out how the changes are going. EDIT: I need to call it a night but once again thank you to everyone for your responses. They were really eye-opening and helped me to see that I do deserve better than the way I am being treated, and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn't doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table. I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing and that is impacting what I think is reasonable here. I have a lot to think about, such as - what do I *really* want here? What is going to make me happy, especially if I have to keep making myself smaller (metaphorically speaking) and contorting myself to please my husband? Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions? I think I'm really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment but I think I will wait to make any other changes until we can at least get some professional input. Additional Edit: To clarify, my typical at-home attire/look that he has been complaining about looks something like this: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-seamless-baby-t-shirt-joylab/-/A-87399931?preselect=87390237#lnk=sametab (This is NOT me but a similar look - fitted short-sleeved shirt, yoga pants, hair in a ponytail. Something that looks casual but neat. I am NOT wearing sloppy, baggy, sweatpants and oversized T-shirts!) Relevant Comments: Many of OOP's comments (before her edit) are her explaining why she will do what her husband has 'requested.' Here is an example: "Thanks! The things I am willing to do at the moment won't take very much in terms of time, and if they genuinely make him feel more appreciated and cared for they will absolutely be worth it. I want to show my husband that I am hearing him and taking his concerns and feelings seriously enough to at least *try* to make an effort in what he asked. If it doesn't work it doesn't and we can still separate a couple or few months down the road, but I would definitely regret not even trying." More in depth of their relationship/what she does/what he feels (apparently): "To answer your questions, yes, we each currently make about $200K, so $400K between the two of us. And yes, his concern is that he's going to get promoted to a much higher salary executive position (he's currently being mentored/trained for such a position, which will pay $500K+, and is due to be promoted in the next couple years if all goes well with the mentoring program) and I'll fall behind in earnings. Granted, we don't need the money for anything as we don't have debt of any kind, don't have and aren't planning on having kids, and already have close to $1 million in retirement savings with 30+ years left to work. But he's feeling like I'm going to be somehow riding his coattails? Taking advantage of him? Coasting while he just works harder and harder with longer and longer hours? All of the above I suppose. In terms of meals, yes, I do all the prep, cooking, tablesetting, and cleanup. I do actually really enjoy it and part of it is self-care for me, not just taking care of him. After all, I get to eat the food too! And as I work at home I usually make enough that I can have food for lunch the next day too. I know this doesn't seem fair and that others probably think he should contribute more - but it really doesn't bother me at all, as long as he does enjoy and appreciate it. In terms of work, I'm usually done by 5-6 pm and these days he doesn't get home until about 9 pm. So I wouldn't have to wear makeup and dressy clothes for work, I could just quickly change and fix my hair and makeup when he's on his way home. I don't think the clothes necessarily need to be designer - I can buy blouses/skirts and dresses at Target just as well as t-shirts and yoga pants. Or shop thrift stores or department store sales. I do agree that the women he is comparing me to probably don't wear fancy clothes and makeup at home! He's just seeing them in professional settings that require formal business dress. Anyway, I appreciate you saying I haven't done anything wrong here." There is a difference between a preference and a boundary: "It's true that he did use the word "boundary" in our conversation where he revealed his unhappiness with me. (As in, "I have realized it's a boundary for me to be able to come home to a nicely-dressed wife who has prepared a thoughtful meal.") And yes, I do realize that completely misuses the word "boundary."" Again, I am NOT the Original Poster. Please do not comment on the Original Posts as it is considered brigading. EDIT: NEW UPDATE AS OF 2 HOURS AGO! Update Post: July 18, 2023 Hi All...so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga. First post was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14pynpt/aitah_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/ (husband was furious that I spent $5K on a gaming computer, desk and chair even though we are high income earners in a great financial position and I used my own allotment of "fun money" within our established rules) Second post was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14x9o69/update_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/ (husband told me he was actually upset that he feels I'm not professionally ambitious enough because I'm not on the "executive" track like he is, and that (despite my working full-time) he wanted me to cook fancier meals, set the table in a more elegant way, and dress up more for dinner - yes, like a 1950s housewife) So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests - demands, really - were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game. So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients. Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries). I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm "thanks, it was tasty" and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup. Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a "thanks, it's good" and no help with serving or cleanup. Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was "acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting." He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a "low-value woman." I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met. WHAT?!?! Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I'd had my first year of college. And that's it, both committed relationships and nothing casual. He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And - that he's "connected" with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I'd better step up. I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). Told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place. I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn't want to see it, that his "complaints" were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage. Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. Have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that. Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a "him" problem. Obviously we don't share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don't recognize. I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over. Relevant Comments: One last gem from the 'husband': Yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently. Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset, after a 12-year relationship including 10 years of marriage, is just completely over the top. I even said, "So this person you connected with at work, is actually a virgin?" "Well, she WAS," he said, with a smirk. (So, virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is higher-value than me? Unless he lied about his marital status/situation which I wouldn't put past him.) "Yes, he admitted he has been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that "it doesn't really count as cheating" because I'm low-value so the standards are different." Editor's note December 2, 2023: Final updates to this saga are here submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

My first post about a week ago was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14pynpt/aitah_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/ Here's the TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind - we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for "fun money" (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren't together, etc.). Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair. Husband blew a gasket and accused me of "financial infidelity" even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff. Anyway, here is the update: My husband finally calmed down enough to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn't really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons: In general, he feels that he's a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It's true that although we currently have about the same income, the ceiling for his field (finance) is a lot higher than the one for mine (tech/software dev). He's currently in an executive training program and I'm decidedly not. He's feeling resentful that he he's having to work long hours in a high-pressure environment, while I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me and I'm not stretching myself to do more. He's concerned that over time these resentments are going to build, and that I'm not going to end up pulling my weight financially if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don't. He remarked that, since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I have been putting a bit less effort into cooking (I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule). It's true that I have been fixing simpler meals (things like grilled chicken salads, or chili with cornbread) instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides. He has also noticed that I haven't been doing the elaborate table settings I used to (with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc.) - honestly I didn't realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages so overall he's feeling a little neglected because of this. He also feels I'm not putting enough effort into my appearance. Not in terms of weight/body (I'm a long-distance runner and slim) but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc. It's true that I've never paid much attention to these things - given that I work at home in tech the standard for appearances is extremely low and I far exceed that. I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don't wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail. I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a T-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort. The bottom line is that because of all these things, he's starting to notice other women. Says he hasn't cheated, he's just noticing other people because he's regularly disappointed in me. In particular, given that he works in finance there are a good number of very career-oriented, Type-A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies. He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I am a good person and that he's being judgmental - that it's not so much I've changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple years. The "financial infidelity" part came into it because he feels I'm not really investing in myself and our relationship - thus cheating on our future, in a sense. He also says he loves me enough to be honest (I do believe he isn't trying to be hurtful, I really had to drag this all this out of him). That he doesn't want us to drift apart further, that he doesn't want to be angry and resentful, and he knows he is asking for a lot. I know that many on this sub might say I should just tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we've been married for 10 years, have invested a lot in the relationship, and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So, a couple things. First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I'm going to try to do at least some of the above. I'm not sure about making myself be more professionally ambitious when I'm already happy with my work-life balance and we're already financially very comfortable, but I can at least try doing the other things (return to spending more time on cooking and decor, and fix myself up a bit when he's on his way home from work) now that I know they are important to him. I also know that in the end, I may feel like I am just tiptoeing around and contorting myself to please him, but it won't cost me much (certainly much less than a divorce!) to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know I would always regret it if I didn't try. So, maybe not the update that you were expecting or hoping for, but that's where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling and once I can feel out how the changes are going. EDIT: I need to call it a night but once again thank you to everyone for your responses. They were really eye-opening and helped me to see that I do deserve better than the way I am being treated, and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn't doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table. I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing and that is impacting what I think is reasonable here. I have a lot to think about, such as - what do I *really* want here? What is going to make me happy, especially if I have to keep making myself smaller (metaphorically speaking) and contorting myself to please my husband? Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions? I think I'm really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment but I think I will wait to make any other changes until we can at least get some professional input. Additional Edit: To clarify, my typical at-home attire/look that he has been complaining about looks something like this: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-seamless-baby-t-shirt-joylab/-/A-87399931?preselect=87390237#lnk=sametab (This is NOT me but a similar look - fitted short-sleeved shirt, yoga pants, hair in a ponytail. Something that looks casual but neat. I am NOT wearing sloppy, baggy, sweatpants and oversized T-shirts!) submitted by /u/LadySavings to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

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