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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Life-Chard-502 Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents, struggling with the decision Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, death of a loved one, Borderline Personality Disorder Original Post: March 27, 2025 We have been in a relationship for 9 years, engaged, and living with my fiancée for 5 years. We are financially independent, I work full-time, while she works part-time with her father. She wants me to completely cut ties with my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for many of our arguments. She sees three main issues: 1) I don’t confront them directly – She says I should tell them to their faces what kind of people they are. In her view, they are full of themselves, always boasting (e.g., “This phone of mine is really good” or giving unsolicited advice like “Why don’t you try doing it this way?”). 2) She believes they manipulate me. She interprets small things, like my dad saying, “Are you leaving already? Why not stay one more minute?” as manipulation. Even though I usually respond by saying, “No, we’re leaving,” she still sees it as them influencing me. 3) I didn’t immediately choose her when she told me to choose between her and my parents, I hesitated. She sent me a message saying: “I will not be a second choice. And I will not be an option that you don’t choose immediately without hesitation, no matter what you lose.” This wasn’t the first time she gave an ultimatum. When my parents invited us to a birthday lunch, she demanded that they stop asking because we will never to go lunch only to visit. When I asked if I could go alone, she said no—I was to stop going to family lunches altogether, end of discussion. Although she has mentioned cutting ties a few times during heated arguments over the years, she still interacted with my parents, visited them, and even prepared gifts for them. We see them about every 2–3 weeks. For over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches, even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday happened to fall in the same week as a holiday, it caused major issues to her to go to my parents sooner than 2/3 weeks period. These visits were short and uneventful—just sitting and talking. My parents rarely asked for help, except twice a year when they physically couldn’t mow their lawn due to health issues (multiple spinal fractures, diabetes, heart attack, and back surgery). Even then, she reluctantly agreed to help. I haven’t visited my parents alone once I moved out. My past & my parents today: When we were still living separately and in our first months of relationship, I once got a call from my dad telling me to put away my camera lenses I had left on the table because we didn’t arrange that I wouldn’t left there. I went and did move it away and go back to here, and she still brings this up as proof of their control over me. I agree this was some kind of control and because of that my actions against that further down of relationship were more visible. I also once told her I felt emotionally distant from my parents growing up because of their authoritative style. Maybe this made her see them in a worse light. Yes, they had more control over me in the past, but since moving out, they haven’t or I didn’t see that. They never speak badly about her, and they treat me normally. My dad still likes to act like he knows everything, but nothing extreme. Meanwhile, she works with her father every day. They talk over Viber almost daily or every other day. We frequently go on trips with her parents and visit their vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for 2–3 days. I have a great relationship with her parents. My compromise & her refusal: I told her if she doesn’t want to see my parents anymore, she doesn’t have to. I also offered to visit them less. But she refuses any compromise—I must completely cut them off, and she won’t discuss alternatives. This argument has been ongoing for 3 months. Recently, my dad had a birthday. I visited him alone for 1 hour and 15 minutes, three days later, to show her that even birthdays or holidays aren’t a priority for me. That alone was enough for her to want to break up with me. During our relationship, I told her my parents didn’t mean much to me—at the time, I truly believed it not just because I had to, but still she would probably have left me otherwise. I told her many times she is my only priority, and I’ve proven it many times. But because I didn’t instantly say, “Okay, I’ll cut them off,” she sees it as proof that they matter more than she does. The truth is, I don’t care about them as much as before, but not to the extent that I want to erase them completely. Whenever I try to discuss finding a solution, she refuses, saying she won’t change her mind—it’s either her or my parents. If I even mention that they are my parents, she gets even more frustrated. I’ve always respected her wishes, and when she still maintained some level of contact with them, I thought she was doing it for me, out of care. But now, she wants this for both of us, not just herself. TL;DR: Engaged, living together for 5 years. My fiancée demands that I completely cut off my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for our arguments. We see them about every 2–3 weeks, but for over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches—not even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday and holiday happened in the same week, it caused major issues. I offered compromises, but she refuses to discuss alternatives—it’s either her or them. Meanwhile, she works with her father daily, talks to him almost every day, and we visit her parents’ vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for a few days. I have a great relationship with her parents. She wants to break up because I didn’t immediately choose her without hesitation. How do I balanced this? Any suggestions? Edit 1: To add context, after two months, she suggested a compromise: only talking to them on the phone for birthdays and sending holiday greetings via SMS. It is a compromise, but honestly, considering the drastic demand it doesn’t feel like a real compromise to me. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: so you offered a good compromise, but she wants you completely cut off for no reason at all but her not vibing with your parents? because the examples you gave aren't really bad? annoying? possibly but controlling? it seems more like she wants to be the one controlling you. ultimatums are the ends most of the time to functioning relationships. close your eyes and imagine your future. is it with her by your side and you not allowed to see your family? OOP: Thanks for your comment. I am afraid that this isn’t the future I want. If nothing else I should be at least worthy as of compromise of any kind. There is always my and her part of the story, but in this case is really hard for me to understand her. Commenter 2: OP, this is awful. No-one has a right to dictate or demand your relationship with others and I’m afraid the only manipulator here is your fiancée. You should not have to cut ties with anyone on her say-so and your parents don’t sound awful at all, they just sound like…parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do you have friends? Other family? Or has she cut you off from everyone? OP - your partner is toxic and this relationship is not healthy. She isn’t going to change, which she had shown you every time you’ve offered a compromise. Family is important - you only have one and should treasure every moment with them. Leave your partner. OOP: Only mutual friends. She has 2 of her own friends. No other family. You can probably guess what happened with the distant family members of mine, but I accept it, which wasn’t healthy or the right way. She also doesn’t have contact with distant family. That was her decision but yeah, she hit the limit with this whole parent thing. Thanks! OOP responds to a comment about his fiancée giving in to compromise and seek therapy OOP: You are right, she doesn’t give in to compromises very often. Usually, it’s up to me to either change or we do things her way. I’ve been aware of this for about 2-3 years. I often wonder if I’m not giving enough in terms of love, but the more I think about it, the main problem seems to be that I haven’t been able to say NO. The relationship is, of course, more complicated than I’ve written. But regarding just the situation with parents, I really don't know WHY she would demand that. Especially because she refuses to open up and talk about WHY. All she says is that she’s already told me everything about this over the years, that they’re manipulating me, and that they have control—but not a single really solid argument HOW, WHEN. Regarding therapy I am looking into it. Thanks! OOP gives examples of being possible an enmeshed child from a downvoted comment OOP: As I’ve already mentioned, I really want to be unbiased. Maybe there’s something in me that suggests I was an enmeshed child. Many times, when my fiancée pointed out something problematic about my parents, I defended them by saying, “You know how they are, they just like to brag. I know it’s not okay, but I really don’t know what to do about it.” Instead of telling them directly, “Hey, that’s not okay,” I just justified their behavior. At the beginning of our relationship, I showed her that even if something about my parents bothered me, I wasn’t able to tell them. For example, if they kept asking, “When are you coming over for lunch?” or “It’s really time for you to visit us for lunch,” I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Hey, that bothers me.” I know that in the beginning, I didn’t know how to set boundaries. After about five years into our nine-year relationship, I started pushing back extremely hard. Whatever they offered, “Hey, do you need a drill? We have an extra one.” I would immediately say, “No, we don’t need it,” even if we actually did, just to avoid any further engagement. Financially, they never demanded anything from me, even when I was a child. However, my mom had access to my bank account until I was 24, which was unusual. I eventually removed her access because there was no real reason for her to have it. She only had access in case something happened to me, but my fiancée found that strange, so I canceled it without any issue. My mom didn’t even ask why. Now, I’m trying to understand the deeper reasons behind all of this. My mom would often say things like, “It would be nice if you came over,” or “You’re invited to our wedding anniversary.” I was often afraid to say no because I felt like I would hurt her. In the beginning, I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to everything: “Yes, I will,” “Yes, we will.” But in the last five years, that completely flipped, and I started saying no to everything, which they saw as me pulling away and as something being wrong. They even asked me, “Is it that you don’t want to come, or is it because she doesn’t want to? Why is it always a no?” I literally said no to everything. I explained that my fiancée simply doesn’t enjoy these family lunches. They didn’t understand it at first, but they didn’t push the issue and eventually accepted it. Over time, they stopped asking. To see people’s reactions and opinions on why she might feel that way, I didn’t even mention how much control there was over my hobbies, friendships, how much I had to report where I was, how I spoke to others, and so on. I am sure that there is something unhealthy in my relationship with my parents. Because of that, I told my fiancée, “I can go to therapy. You don’t have to go to them, we can just talk about it.” But nothing helped. OOP's additional comment after reading all responses OOP: I read every single comment. Thanks everyone to make opinion on this. For a reason I didn’t add context about how the relationship works with friends, at work, how much mistrust there is overall, how much control there is over general things, and how many restrictions there are with hobbies, etc. I definitely see a connection to my childhood in some way and why I allowed things to go to extremes. It’s not that things were like this in my childhood, but I understand now why I didn’t dare to say NO. When situations like this continued, I felt like I was missing something, like there was something wrong with me. That’s why this time, I finally said NO—I don’t want this, and I don’t wish to continue. Fortunately, something woke up in me, maybe late, but better late than never. That’s why I’m now actively exploring therapy and thinking about next steps, which will involve ending the relationship. + A lot of people ask regarding friends and replied to few but to answer your questions: - I don’t have my own friends, they are all mutual friends. She has two women friends. She is jealous to everyone around my surroundings so if my coworker would write to me outside business hours (male) she will start talking why do I chat with him. - She talk to those two friends via social network. We go together in person to coffee etc. They are old friends before we were together. - In my free time we are usually doing things together. I really don’t have my own free time for any outdoor activities like to go out walking on my own, play basketball etc. I still take some time for my personal stuff like learn about computers but mostly we are doing stuff together. - In her free time those 4 hours per day (working PT) she watch her own TV series, cooking for both of us, cleaning, some own hobbies. - I pay for all the expenses, bills. When we go to store she sometimes buy some stuff. When we go to vacation she pays for like some dinner, gift etc. Only financial problem which I directly see if I receive some bonus at payment she is really jealous.   Editor's note: adding a couple prior posts for more context to help with the said situation How to introduce couples therapy in a relationship with strong emotional cycles?: November 27, 2025 (eight months later) Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice on how to approach couple therapy in my relationship. I want to be respectful of the rules here, so I want to clarify that I’m not diagnosing my partner or claiming she has any disorder. What I can say is that some of the patterns in our relationship have been very intense, and some of them resemble what people describe in this community. I’m not here to label or blame. I love my partner deeply, and I know she struggles emotionally. I’ve started individual therapy to work on my part and to understand how to support our relationship better. My therapist suggested that couples therapy or at least a proper clinical evaluation for her could help us both. But she is very hesitant about it, mostly because she has a deep fear of trusting and opening up in a letting someone new into her emotional world. I want to respect that, but at the same time it feels like we keep hitting the same wall. She currently sees a non-clinical counselor, but there’s no structured treatment or assessment. Whenever we hit deeper conflicts, we get stuck in cycles that are extremely hard for both of us. Some of the recurring issues involve strong fears, very high emotional reactions, and expectations that I genuinely try to meet but sometimes can’t without losing myself. I’m not judging her I simply want to understand how others have navigated this and what has helped. Any experiences or advice would mean a lot. Thank you.   How did your partner react when you experienced a loss in your family?: February 14, 2026 (over 2.5 months later) I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences. For those who have (or had) a partner with BPD how did they react when you lost a parent or someone very close to you? Especially in situations where you were supporting your parent (for example staying for few days with your mom or dad after their spouse died, helping with arrangements, being physically present). Were they supportive? Distant? Angry? Jealous? Overwhelmed? I’m just trying to understand patterns and experiences.   Update: May 2, 2026 (almost 3 months later from the previous post, 13 months from the original post) Update (One year later): Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents-struggling with the decision One year later… A year ago, we briefly broke up and I moved out for a week. My main goal was to show her that this wasn’t the right way to solve our problems. There was no real compromise. She insisted that I either cut off my relationship with my parents or we would break up. She said that if I showed her she was my main priority, I could occasionally see my parents and we could move forward. Her father got involved, and I asked him for advice. After speaking with her, he suggested that I temporarily hide my contact with my parents so she could see that our relationship was my priority. Based on that, I came back. I believed that if I showed her clearly enough that she was my priority (even though I already felt she was), things would improve. During that time, I tried to maintain the relationship and reflect on possible issues with myself and my parents. This was around May. For her, I agreed not to see my parents. However, I secretly called them once every week or two and visited them every third week. I felt ashamed for lying, but in hindsight I’m glad I did, and you’ll see why. From her perspective, my main responsibility was to push my parents aside so she could feel that I cared about her feelings, even if I didn’t fully understand or agree with them. At the same time, I started individual therapy. However, because my first therapist was a woman, I had to cancel she couldn’t tolerate any women around me, regardless of age. I then asked her multiple times if we could go to couples therapy, but she insisted we didn’t need it because “we were fine?.” After 3/4 months, I kept asking where we stood on this issue and how we could resolve it. The relationship seemed better because she believed I wasn’t in contact with my parents but in reality, I was speaking to them more, not less. By August, nothing had changed. Whenever I tried to discuss a solution or asked if I could see my parents (I could no longer lie), she repeatedly said I could see them only once per year, which I couldn’t accept. One day, I reached my limit. I asked again, and she told me that if I didn’t agree, I could leave. So I did. But my feelings for her didn’t just disappear. I moved into an apartment, and we didn’t speak for a month. During that time, I went back to therapy (with the same female therapist) to understand myself what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with my family dynamics, and why nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her. After a month, we started talking again. I tried to understand her perspective better, but her reasons remained the same: my parents were “too cocky,” they influenced me too much, and they complained a lot (especially about my father’s health). I tried to find a reasonable compromise, for example, that I could see them without involving her at all. She wouldn’t need to attend birthdays or even funeral when time comes if she didn’t want to. Eventually, in November, her “final compromise” was that I could see them six times per year for 30 minutes, talk to them on birthdays or holidays, and once per month otherwise even though they lived only 20 minutes away. I couldn’t accept that. My therapist also pointed out that these demands were unusually strict. From a therapeutic perspective, my relationship with my parents seemed normal. Through therapy, I also realized I had issues with boundaries I often felt guilty saying “no,” although I had been prioritizing my girlfriend for years, so every time was “no” if she didn’t agree on it. During therapy, the topic of borderline personality disorder (BPD) came up not as a diagnosis, but as a possible explanation for some behaviors. This was the first time I had heard of it. I researched it extensively books, videos, podcasts and realized that regardless of whether she had it or not, she experienced emotions very differently from me. We started communicating more again. She asked me to switch therapists because mine was a woman, so I changed to a male therapist. I focused on understanding her emotional experience as much as possible. In December, I told her I would visit my parents for my birthday. We didn’t speak for a week afterward. The more we talked, the fewer concrete arguments she had she mostly repeated that she simply didn’t feel okay when I had contact with them. I told her we couldn’t continue like this and that we needed couples therapy. In January, we started. After six sessions, nothing changed. When the therapist asked how she felt when I contacted my parents, she said it felt like “a heavy rock” in her body, that she hated me most when I did it and loved me most when I didn’t. During that time, I still secretly visited my parents helping them with practical things, spending quality time, and having honest conversations without fear. We talked about boundaries, my fears of saying no, and what could improve our relationship. We were still separated but trying to work things out. Then, one normal day in February, my mother called early in the morning: “Son, paramedics are resuscitating your father please come home.” I called my girlfriend. She said, “Go if it’s an emergency.” I drove there, my mind was racing all over. Sadly, my father passed away. I told her the news and returned briefly to our apartment. She offered help, and we talked for two hours. Then I went back to my mother and grandmother (whom my GF also didn’t accept). After about an hour, she messaged me: “Are you still there?” said yes, that I would probably stay with my mom that night. Her response was cold at first but soon turned into anger: “I can’t believe you’d rather be with your mom than with me. You need your mommy.” That moment changed something in me. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Even in a situation like death, empathy only lasted until her feelings were triggered. I didn’t invite her to the funeral, although her mother came secretly. I tried to explain things to her parents and even suggested a book to help them understand her emotional responses. After a year of struggle, I lost both my father and my relationship. But despite everything, I feel stronger than ever. It’s still hard sometimes, but I don’t regret lying for contact with my parents. That time allowed me to build a deeper relationship with them especially now with my mother. To anyone in a similar situation take care of yourself and your loved ones. Understand that people can experience emotions very differently. And sometimes, even when there is love, letting go is the healthiest choice. TLDR: After a year of trying to save a relationship where my partner demanded I cut off my parents, I realized no compromise was possible. Despite therapy and effort, her conditions remained strict. After my father passed away and she reacted without empathy, I understood I couldn’t change the situation. I lost both my relationship and my father but gained clarity, stronger boundaries, and a better relationship with my family. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Hopefully you cut contact with her after you broke up. She was controlling. Do not ever accept a partner who tries to stop you seeing your own family. OOP: I did cut with her. Definitely I won’t accept this anymore and this is one of the reasons why I wrote an updated to maybe clear someone eyes if it is in the same position. Commenter 2: I do find it kind of infuriating that apparently she was just fine with maintaining contact with her parents, but not yours, especially when she couldn't point to any particular reason for you not being allowed other than it "made her feel bad". I'm glad you kept up with it anyway and you were able to spend time with your father in his last year. From how it sounds, that's the kind of thing you would have always regretted otherwise. OOP: Her reply on when I proposed the same rule for her parents was “they are not the same as yours” but because I wanted to try solve it I didn’t stick with that rule for her parents… Definitely would regret it otherwise regarding my father. Thank you! OOP on the book he recommended to his ex-fiancée’s parents OOP: Stop walking on eggshells, Paul T. Mason, MS in Randi Kreger Downvoted Commenter: That doesn’t really line up with how therapy works. Therapists can’t discuss or speculate on possible diagnoses of people who aren’t their patients. Especially stigmatized diagnoses like BPD, it can really harm people. Personal therapy work would be more centered on accountability for you. Your experiences, your reactions, your boundaries, and your decisions, not on armchair diagnosing or analyzing your girlfriend as a separate clinical non-client subject. The “BPD books” part especially sounds like a misunderstanding or exaggeration, therapists don’t really prescribe material for third parties like that. OOP: Maybe I should add some more information about it. After my few solo sessions with first therapist, and when ex GF refused to go to couple/solo therapy then my therapist started to noticing some patterns connected with BPD, but she explicitly told me that she can’t do any diagnosis etc. But just to help me out to maybe look for some answers regarding understanding of her feelings. It was strange also for me that she told me like that. But after looking information for months I can only say ex GF can fell differently what would be normal for me, BPD or not. Commenter 4: I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I am also very sad to see that you let this happen. You posted here a year ago and got literally dozens of people confirming for you that this is not normal and you are letting this person control you. You still continued, in fact your priority was not to have her stop controlling you but to actually allow her full control because hopefully once she felt like she was your priority she would suddenly let you see your family? I've read a lot of stories here where people put up with insane behaviour, but this frankly might be the worst. Please continue therapy because I legit don't think you've learned anything even until today, despite your last sentence stating what you think you've gained. OOP: Thank you. I have realized actually with that post year ago. And because of those people I want to therapy, do research on my own, try to understand why I am allowing this, why is she doing that, how can I help. Me and her. I didn’t allow it in the same extent, I wanted to solve relationship, that she would see that my parent didn’t have any effect on me. Was this a correct way to stick with her plan and do all the lies? Probably not. But in all this time I have learned so much regarding myself, my family, how to listen and understand more. And this is also why I am doing an update. A lot of people would just keep it with themselves, but my mission is to speak about it, to maybe help anyone in similar situation when all hell breaks loose. I have a lot to do on me, and I have learned a lot but still work in progress. Commenter 5: Dude wtf, stay in therapy to figure out why you put up with this and how you can prevent it from happening again Commenter 6: Not that this excuses any of her unreasonable explanations but out of curiosity was there a history of infidelity? OOP: Not from my end :) … but from hers, she was lying that she had an affair when we started dating (told me years later) then in the last year she told me that she was lying and wanted to made me jealous.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

submitted by /u/Love_lisa32456 to r/AskReddit [link] [comments]

All news comes with bias these days, and I know to some degree that the end-user has to filter it and decide for themselves. That said, what news sources/outlets do you guys use to gauge markets, identify trends, etc? Looking for a good mix of global and domestic (US) and Ideally free sources. I already use CNBC, BI, and Bloomberg. Thanks submitted by /u/gimmedemels to r/investingforbeginners [link] [comments]

What are y’all using these days to weed out bias or at least be aware of how stories are written and framed. I know it’s easy just to write off sources as “left” or “right” but I’m missing the days of cogent and considerate discussion of nuanced topics. In my humble estimation the media feeds the outrage machine 24/7 and people just get their biases reinforced by an algorithm at scale. Any places you guys use to weed this stuff out or at least get some analysis on how a story is being covered? Maybe it just doesn’t exist anymore. Just humbugging on a Monday here. submitted by /u/renge-refurion to r/Conservative [link] [comments]

Where do you find unbiased, non-partisan, straight news about current events (specifically the war in Iran right now). As a side note if you don't think you have bias you are the most bias. I'm looking for a balance of fact and context without the color commentary. submitted by /u/lateralmoves to r/ask [link] [comments]

submitted by /u/NothingButTruth3 to r/International [link] [comments]