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AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left [Repost]
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwaway____27 Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole Previous BoRU [Repost]: AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability and added relevant comments for more context Trigger Warnings: manipulation, betrayal, favoritism Original Post: June 11, 2021 AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left My older brother (30M) went to university and then worked in the city as an accountant, I (27M) stated to work for my dad as a plumber at 15 and went to college to get my qualifications in plumbing and gas, about the time covid started my brother moved back from the city and started working for my dad (55M) in accounting, my dad has been unwell for the last 4 years due to asbestosis it has been really hard on the family and he is getting worse but is still loving life. I have been running the business for the last 2 years we have expanded and now have 50 vans in the fleet and one qualified and one trainee allocated to each van, covid was hard in the beginning but we have bounced back, my dad still works on tools with me on Fridays (half day then back to my place for some beers), Friday is the only day I'm on tools now as I'm doing everything to run the business. well last month he told the family he is stepping down from the business due to health and wants to spend more time with my mother, and is giving the business to my brother and for me to step down from acting CEO, this upset me I've been with the business for 12 years, at the beginning it was only me and my dad my brother never wanted to be in the business said it was not worth his time and now he’s the boss, and I’ve been dumped back to a heating engineer with a £20,000 (editor's note: close to $27,140 USD) pay cut, he doesn’t have any clue what we do or how to do it. I spoke to my dad, and he told me that my brother deserve it for all he has done, that he has a family and I don’t and that he went to uni, a lot of the workers are upset about the decision and have told me they will go where I go. I told my dad that if that is how he feels then I will leave and start my own business I have not spoken to my dad or brother since and have told them to never contact me, for the last month I’ve had thousands of calls and messages from family saying some very hurtful things and telling me I’m ungrateful for what I have so AITA??? EDIT I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words there are so many to reply to I will do my best to thank you all, to hear my father tell me in his own way he doesn’t think I’m good enough was hard and for my family to take his and my brother side was even harder. In the morning I will contact the large clients I’ve worked with over the last 6 years I know we had some site postponed due to covid (big money), and will try and take them over I have 20 of my colleagues wishing to come work for me I’ve saved nearly all of the money I have earned over the last 12 years so think I have enough to get myself on my feet. Verdict: Not the Asshole Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses onto the original post, I am listing the significant details for more context to the situation Relevant Comments Commenter 1: NTA - sounds like either some “he’s older” or “he’s smarter because uni” bias from your dad. If your brother knows so much, you really don’t need to be there at all do you? /s. Leave them all to it and leave. Staying after all this drama will still be awful OOP: My father has away gone on about how his son went to uni and is loving life in the city it never bothered me till I realized he never spoke about all the stuff I had done for myself or the company Commenter 2: You should seek legal advice OP. Poaching their clients could land you a law suit. I am not giving legal advice at all, and you need to speak to a local business law specialist. OOP: I've looked my contact and have found nothing perks of being a son of the owner but will be taking to a lawyer to make sure they can come after me for anything Commenter 3: NTA at all. At least your father could have split business 50/50. Brother in charge of accounting side. You in charge of production. I would make that offer back. If father refuses. I would cut contact.. Block relatives. I would go start my own business. Never look back.. Brother turned back on family business while you worked our arse off to build business. OOP: To be honest that’s what I thought was going to happen and was happy when my brother came back to be one big family company I talk to my father, but my brother has always been the golden child Commenter 4: NTA. I would answer all these messages with "12 years. 12 years I have labored for this company, for our family. For what? To be thrown aside for someone who has never shown interest in this business? Don't say I'm ungrateful, as I've put in the work. If I have so little value to the business, then stop me from leaving? You won't miss what you can easily discard." OOP: Thank you it was hard to hear it when my father told us the first 2 year he couldn’t pay me much as he was trying to start up the business I was on £20 (editor’s note: about $27USD) a week I was only 15 but was not easy working 7 days a week from 6 in the morning to 8 at night all the stuff I missed going out with friends going clubbing doing dumb stuff kids do to be looked down on by my family was hard Commenter 5: I don't know the law in Britain (assuming because of £) but I'm my country there are strict laws governing companies, including the board of directors and execs. Did they go through the proper channels to fire or demote you? Was there a reason for the demotion. Do you deserve severance or compensation? What type of company is it? OOP: Due to the size and not having a board my father holds all rights and final decisions even as acting CEO he can overrule me in favour of something or someone else I have no say Commenter 6: NTA. I agree with others, I really don’t understand the motive behind this. OOP: My father has away been more favourable towards my brother they are basically the same person, I don’t understand why myself and it makes me even more upset that he did it he has away told me that I will take over and that he wants me to carry on the business but then gives it to my brother Commenter 7: Can you be clear if the decision involves handing over the entire shares of the business to your brother or rather your share of any future inheritance? I am curious what your mother thinks of all this? The move by your Dad is extremely hurtful and cannot even be justified by favouritism... Respectfully, Is it possible you aren't a biological son? OOP: Everything has been signed over to him I have no say if my father was to die today there would be no share in the business to be split, and the hardest part was to watch my mother cry telling my brother how proud she is of him and how he deserved it. And sometime I question it Commenter 8: NTA. And it needn't have been this way. Even if your father wanted to have your brother in the business, co-ownership would've been an option. Many businesses have one person that has the technical knowledge and one person that has business/accounting knowledge. OOP: To be honest that would make sense he know more than I do about the accounting side and stuff like that and I know the business and what are boys need to do their job and to do it safety and I know the clients some are old school and like to talk business over dinner or golf and that was some of the best times I’ve had strange to think I’m a plumber play on some of the best golf courses in the world Commenter 9: NTA There is something more going on. Could be as others have said and your dad is just a narcissist. There is no reason he couldn't have split the company ownership up, even if not 50/50. Bad enough that the person who has been running the company doesn't get the company, but the business has 50 vans, and they feel it necessary to cut your pay? That is just adding insult to injury. Obviously they believe you can be replaced. Let them. OOP: To be honest I’m not sure what’s going on over the last year my brother and father have spent a lot of time together even though my father has a lung condition I try not to spend a lot of time around due to covid, but we talk on the phone every day before it all happened and as soon as we all had are vaccines we would be together nearly every day. OOP on not mixing business and family OOP: Working with family is the hardest thing in the world, me and my dad have had our ups and downs both in the business and in are relationships but always came back together and got it done after talking to people I can see why he might have chosen my brother he’s had more experience in large companies but he’s has no idea about the industry I don’t understand why they would drop me in an engineer with everything I know Commenter 10: INFO: First, I am really sorry to read this story, it makes me sad and angry for you. What a betrayal. I am really curious about one detail here, because it seems so weird and petty from your brother. Did he tell you why he demoted you and cut your salary by 20,000? Because those two things are hostile on the face of it, and it makes me wonder why your father (and your brother for that matter) expected you to suck it up and deal. And I am also curious as to if your dad had a response to that event. OOP: My brother has never like how well I did without going to uni and after talking to everyone on here I believe it’s more of a revenge thing. Editor's note: OOP made all updates onto the same post with the original Update #1: June 12, 2021 (same post, next day) Update 1 I want to inform everyone that I’m not starting a business to destroy my brother, as much as I want to I’ve spent almost 13 year build it and I don’t want to see anyone out of a job or for the business to die it’s about 0500 in England you have all helped me so much. I will be going over to talk to my father about 0800 and take him out for breakfast and talk, I’m not sure if I will get a proper answer from him but I love my family and want my future kids to know them. I will update after the events of later today. Editor’s note: OOP was likely to make the next two updates throughout the day, as the dates were not given on when the updates were made Update #2: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later) Update 2: as I said in one of the comments I believe my family had found my post and they did. This morning when I arrived at my parents’ house my mum opened the door and looked like she had been cry a lot my dad came over to talk to me and we went out for breakfast, he didn’t say a word on the way there or when we arrived, when on the way back he asked if we could pull over and talk I can honestly say this was the first time I saw my dad cry, I asked why he did this to me he said doesn’t know I keeper pushing and he finally told me he owed it to my brother for not being about for him as much as me when we were growing up and there was times my brother needed him but we was working. I couldn’t believe it after 12 years of hard work that was his reasoning I told my father I had spent half my life working to do everything for the business and how he throw me to the side just because he’s son came back hurt more than I could explain, he told me he knows as they had been shown the post I put up, to my surprise he wasn’t mad he seemed remorseful, he told me my mother has been in pieces after reading the comments about how bad she treated me and thinks I will never talk to them again, my dad told me after reading it all he released he should have split the business between us as it will need both of us to keep progressing and apologies to me for never telling me how proud he was of everything I had done and thought I know how proud he was, but my brother has full control my father has no say any more and my brother would never go 50/50, he told me he wants me to go back as my brother will need me I told him that’s not my problem anymore after the demoted me and cut my pay I tried to make it work for 3 weeks but my brother wouldn’t listen didn’t believe I know what I was talking about telling me he knows how to fund a business, so I left why work my ass off there when I could do the same work and make more money for myself. My dad broke down said that he had destroyed the family and should never had done what he did I don’t understand why I took this long to release I was a valuable piece in the company. Update #3: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later) Update 3: as I said I have had a couple of zoom calls with some clients today and they have gone very well, I have been informed that they we all be sending be signed proposal letters for the up and coming work, lucky the site start dates don’t clash that was one of the main things I was worried about, 3 of my colleagues have now left the business and have spoken to my dad informing him about why they left and that they will be coming to work with me under their own choice, to hear them tell me this meant a lot, they all have between 5 - 10 year more experience in the industry, at the moment I have all we need to start a new business with the 3 vans I own and tools I have built up over the years, I am looking forward to the new venture in my life and can’t wait to share this with my children when I have them. Then I received a call from my father asking me to come over for dinner I was unsure at first but thought it was probably a step in the right direction, on arrival my whole family was there, I went in and the atmosphere dropped my mum wouldn’t look at me and my brother just sat there acting as if I didn’t exist, my dad came and asked me and my brother to come in to his office, he started to ask when I was going to return to the company as they need me in early Monday morning, I could not even believe what I was hearing I told them both I’m not coming back and have started my own company, and what does he mean we you gave the business to him (my brother), my brother stated to lose his temper telling me if I cared about to company why would I leave, I have some very choice words before telling him that I have always cared for the company and spent 12 years of my life working to make it successful, unlike him who swans in and takes all the glory and that I will not sit there and be treated like that, I told my brother to f**k off so I could talk to dad, I asked what was this morning all about telling me he’s sorry but then expects me to going running back, he couldn’t even look me in the eye so I left said goodbye to my cousin, nieces and nephews and walked out I’ve been riding for about 3 hours on and off coming back on here to talk to people. I just want to say thank you to everyone for the personal message, comments, rewards and all the kind words and encouragement I’ll try and message everyone but I’m exhausted and will most likely fall asleep. Relevant Comments Commenter: Best wishes on your new business venture, OP. I’m astounded that your father still expected you to turn up to work Monday morning as a salaried employee with no ownership or profit sharing in the company, or any job security for that matter. I also want to go on record to say that I think father is lying that he has completely and legally turned over ownership of the company to your brother. Complete management maybe, but not ownership. Consider this: if your brother legally outright owns the company now, how will your father get a continuing income if your brother decides otherwise? Maybe your father has a contract with your brother about the income from the business your father and your mother will continue to receive? I suspect your father still has not been honest with you. OOP: It’s very confusing I’m not sure what my father games is right now but he has enough money to sit back and do nothing for the rest of his life Final Update: June 26, 2021 (two weeks later) Update 4: sorry it’s been a while I’ve had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks, I'll try and explain the most I can, so the new business is going very well we have a lot of work coming in and making good money, at the end on the year I will be looking at expanding so very happy with that. me and my fiancé are very happy she is very busy planning the wedding of her dreams she wants me to wear a suit but tough lucky I’ll be in my kilt, I couldn’t be happier than I am right now waking up to her every day, she is there for me no matter what and has been my rock through everything. Then my family my father and brother still refuse to talk to me and have told me they will not be attending the wedding even though they haven’t been invited, my mother has called my fiancé but hasn’t said much only to ask about wedding stuff and will not talk to me, my fiancé family have been amazing my soon to be in-laws have been helping with the wedding and everything else and I am extremely thankful for everything they have done for us. My other family have now backed off and apologised and want to make amends for everything that was said. Myself and my fiancé are set to have are wedding in November, we sat down together and have decided to trying to have children after we are married, we are both excited to be parents. DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
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reddit.com |
Choice_Evidence1983 |
May 8, 2026 |
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How to start a business - An in-depth reddit guide from a successful business owner
Hey everyone. Today I'm going to share with you the most important knowledge that I've accumulated from starting 9 different companies, reading 59 books on business and personal development, and most importantly successfully breaking $2,000,000 in yearly revenue. My goal is that if even 1 person reads this and it gives them the confidence to get started I will have contributed positively to somebodies life, and that brings me joy. Now let's go. Pick a business model This is the easiest part to get hung up on, the way I've conquered this obstacle is by realizing I don't have to reinvent the wheel. There are thousands of profitable business models in the world and if you truly want to live the dream of financial freedom and break the chains of the 9-5 you can very simply pick one and replicate it. Remember “good artists borrow, great artists steal.” Okay, but how do I pick one? There are so many that it's hard to choose! Don't worry I got you, choice paralysis is real, we all get it. Here are the 3 variables you need to be investigating and doing the math around in order to pick the right business for you. Variable #1 - Cost to start up AKA barrier to entry: This variable is identified by simply imagining what would go into starting this business. What are the costs associated with those things? Imagine you were starting a meal prep business, you would need the right kitchen equipment, plastic containers, the food itself, and the transportation to bring it to the clients. Investigate how much these things would cost you and total it up, the number you land on is the Barrier to Entry Cost, write this down. Variable #2 - Skills needed to be successful in this industry: Some businesses require experts, while others can utilize high school students at minimum wage. If you are already an expert in a field it may be easier to build something you are comfortable with but it's absolutely not a requirement. Out of the 7 companies I have built I was only fluent in 1 and my most successful I knew nothing about. Figure out which skills are needed and do some thinking, do you have access to people with these skills? Can you hire people with these skills? Can you learn these skills in a day on youtube? Typically the lower the skill needed the more simple a business will be and trust me you want simple because once you start doing millions in revenue the headaches will pile up. Variable #3 - How long will it take to get this business operational? You would be surprised how quickly you can start most businesses. In a matter of 2 weeks I had people calling my phone for my biggest company and all it took were some street signs. Do some thinking on how long it will take for you to buy all the necessary equipment and get that phone to ring. Do you need a website? Do you need equipment or a product that will take months to develop or get to you? I highly recommend starting with a business model that can be operational in under a month, I say this because in order to withstand the punches that the business world will throw at you it helps to see tangible progress. When you spend 6 months in R&D it's tough to stay motivated. Personal tips for choosing your FIRST business model Don't start a business where you will need to raise money to be successful, chances are if you are reading this it's not happening. The people that successfully raise money typically have rich parents or already have a track record of success. Choose a model you have close to enough cash to fund yourself. (My businesses had barrier-to-entry costs ranging from as low as 1k to as high as 22k) Choose a model that doesn't require full-time experts, these people cost a lot of money to employ and they typically don't want the risk of working with a pre-cash flow business. Choose a model that you can spin up in a couple of weeks to a month. By now you should have a couple of assets in your head, which model you like, the things you need and how much they cost, and which skills you will need to hire for or know yourself to be successful. NOW WHAT? Now we build. Depending on your model you will have 1 or more of the following. Google Listing and Website. Google listing you can make yourself but unless you're experienced in web development and digital product marketing 100% do not do this yourself, it is a colossal waste of time and it will hurt your ability to make the phone ring because it will take months and months of iterating in order for it to be halfway decent. Hire someone to build a website for you, there are services that do it for a $300 startup fee and $100 a month. DON'T BUILD YOUR OWN SITE. With the website/google listing live we now focus on sales and in order to do that we need to make the phone ring AKA drive leads. Depending on the industry you choose these are the magic tools that will bring you money. GOOGLE PAY PER CLICK - I can't stress this enough, it works. 99% of industries can utilize google PPC, Meal prep? PPC, Cleaning service? PPC, E-comm? PPC, Sex toys? ALSO PPC. (I spend roughly 5k a month on PPC, it's magic.) AVERAGE SETUP COST $800 Facebook Ads and Instagram ads - Known your target audience before spending money here, does your audience live on these platforms? Does your industry fit on a social media platform where people are probably watching cat videos? AVERAGE SETUP COST $600 Angi's list and other contractor platforms - The leads can be hit or miss but they absolutely will make your phone ring. AVERAGE SETUP COST $350 MONTHLY Upwork and other freelance platforms - Lower quality leads but a great way to cut your teeth in an industry. SETUP COST FREE YARD SIGNS (Zip tied to telephone poles) - I've used this in several of my businesses and it has driven hundreds of thousands of revenue, (Legal disclaimer I don't know the rules of your area, but in mine certain towns call us and say it's not allowed and others leave them up or take them down themselves) you can get 50 signs for roughly $500 from your local sign maker. those 50 signs could stay up for 10 years and drive you significant revenue. (Vista print signs are much cheaper quality than something you would get locally, if you want the sign to last years, don't skimp on the $50 you would save) The equation is simple - How much does it cost to create 1 customer using X ad platform, and how much profit does 1 customer on average bring your business? if the profit created is higher than the cost to acquire the customer then it is a successful marketing strategy and you can dump thousands into it and consistently make a profit. Okay but what if I don't know how to set up google PPC or Facebook ads? NO PROBLEM I DONT EITHER! Here's where the special sauce comes in, listen carefully. When you don't know something, but you need it in order to build the business do this exactly. Go to Upwork or a similar site Create a detailed, simple, and KIND job posting that shows that you mean business and are serious about hiring for this position. Book calls with as many experts as you possibly can (I personally just put my phone number on the listing and open the floodgates because the scheduling process can be annoying) Talk to ATLEAST 6 experts describing what you need to accomplish and asking them specifically how they would go about accomplishing it if you were to hire them. (Ask as many questions as you possibly can) Use your best judgment to choose the highest-value contractor to achieve your goal. PROFIT? No, but really, I use this process probably 8 times a year, by speaking with experts for hours on end who are trying to win your business they will give you all the insight you need to have a working knowledge of a subject. Don't be afraid of the hourly rate they have, it usually ends up being a lot less hours than you would think DISCLAIMER: Freelance websites have a lot of low-quality contractors, DO NOT hire someone until you've talked to 6 people, you need to find the diamond in the rough. (Trust me they are there, I have found some incredible partners who I still have on retainer to this day) Examples of hires I have made through freelance websites Web development, Graphics Design, Drawing up a sales contract, SEO, Fashion Designer, Logo Maker. **Okay so now we a website/google listing and leads coming in, whats next?**Fulfill the orders!! Sell those shirts, cook those meals, cut those lawns, develop those websites, WHATEVER IT IS JUST DO IT! There is a 100% chance you will make mistakes and clients will get mad at you, welcome to the business world. Stand behind your work and make it right, don't do shady shit. I promise this is one of the most rewarding things you can do with your life, when done right it can pay you far more than any job would and more importantly give you your time back! Imagine only working 5 hours a week (From your cell phone) and getting paid 30k a month. That's only possible by owning your own business. Don't stop pushing, don't let the punches knock you out. Take what you deserve and never settle. Managing Your Cash Flow You can have $1M in sales and still go bankrupt if your bank account hits zero on rent day. This is the "boring" stuff that separates the amateurs from the $1M+ founders. The "Net-30" Trap: If you’re doing B2B (business-to-business), many clients won't pay you for 30, 60, or even 90 days. If you have to pay your contractors today but don't get paid for two months, you are effectively a bank lending money to your clients. Always try to get a 50% deposit upfront or use "Progress Payments." Never finance a client's project with your own rent money. The "Profit vs. Cash" Reality: Profit is what’s left on paper. Cash is what’s in the bank. You need a "War Chest" of at least 3 months of operating expenses. As soon as you make your first $5,000, don't buy a watch. Put it in a high-yield savings account. That is your "Stay in the Game" fund for when Google Ads gets expensive or a client disputes a charge. Automate Your Accounting: Spend the $30/month on software like QuickBooks or Xero immediately. If you wait until tax season to "figure out your numbers," you’ve already lost. You need to see your burn rate (how much you spend monthly) in real-time. Final general tips DO NOT try to do everything yourself, you are definitely not the best person to be doing it and you will kill yourself in the process. Bad end product and not sustainable, hire 1099 experts. Launch before you're ready, do not try to make everything perfect, do not try to dot all your i's and cross all your T's it will never happen. The learning is in the doing, its in the mistakes, its in the mad clients. Outsource as much of the business as you can, find no-contract partners to do everything you don't know how to do. Example - I have an accounting partner, ($300 a month) a tax strategist partner ($2500 a quarter) an SEO partner ($1700 a month) a google PPC partner ($300 a month) a content creation partner ($800 a month) It is better to be at the higher end of industry pricing for whatever market you are in, higher cost = higher margins and less headaches because it requires fewer customers. And oddly enough its the smaller customers that are the neediest. Remember to pay yourself first, never under any circumstances be the least paid person in the business. It is far too easy to get in the habit of oh ill make money next year. No make a profitable business now or go work for someone. Build a rock-solid foundation that lines your pocket and doesn't require 80 hours of your time a week. Well guys that's about all the writing I have in me, there is definitely more I wanted to include but its almost 5am where I'm currently living. I'm starting a discord for people who want help getting started (Think lists of softwares, people i trust in different industries ect) all 100% free just trying to give back to a community that I love so much. Send me a PM if you would like to be apart of it Good luck out there. submitted by /u/dtsummery to r/Business_Ideas [link] [comments]
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reddit.com |
dtsummery |
Feb 11, 2026 |
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**should I leave my family business? + 4 year update**
should I leave my family business? Originally posted to Ask A Manager TRIGGER WARNING: Struggles with mental health, dysfunctional workplace Original Post June 28, 2021 : I need help deciding if I want to stay in my family’s 70-year-old business. At the moment, I work for my father, and my younger brother is also in the business. We’re a construction firm. I’ve worked at the company since I was 14, doing office work over the summers all the way through college. After getting my degree and working elsewhere for seven years, I came back to the family business and for nearly 10 years have been working my way into more and more of a leadership role. My dad is my boss, but he is not a good delegator, manager, or mentor. He is a great project manager and knows the industry like the back of his hand and is good at his job, but very much not a teacher or long-term planner. On paper and sort of by actions, I am his heir apparent. But in reality I’m just being given a little bit of everything without any ownership over anything, and its overwhelming. I am now point on some aspect of almost every part of the company — IT, HR, management,accounting, office management, marketing — and on top of that I keep getting construction projects to manage (I started here as a project manager, and note that none of our other PMs have any other office/admin responsibilities, just me). I keep trying to get out of project management, because it’s hard to prioritize employee reviews or revamping the website when you’re constantly pulled into project issues, which by definition need to take priority because they pay the mortgage. But every time I’m close to finishing out my last project, a really great prospect comes up and we don’t have the staff to handle it, so I end up taking it on and I’m back on the hook for another 9-12 months of PM work taking 50% of my time. Every time we’ve tried to make a plan for me to take over a specific part of my father’s role or our CFO’s role, it just doesn’t happen. They can’t actually let go. Meanwhile I’m just getting all the mundane stuff put on my plate, like ordering more laptops or figuring out how to run certain reports in our accounting software. These tasks don’t interest me. I want to be big picture, I want to be strategic. We just had a strategic planning retreat two months ago, which I organized, pulled together the data and agenda for, and facilitated (all of which I really enjoyed). During that retreat, the decision was made that I would go get some financial training and move towards CFO and out of project management. Last week we landed a new 12-15 month project … and guess who is now the PM? We just hired a new PM, guess who is supposed to be training and mentoring him (though I’m not his manager, that’s still my dad)? I’m so burnt out from the pandemic and trying to figure out how to do my job, what my job even is, and what any sort of pathway towards a job here that I like looks like that I’ve been pretty checked out for the last two months. Yesterday my dad confronted me about that. He asked, “Have you decided construction isn’t for you?” It hurt, and I kind of tried to explain everything above, but I’m really close to just saying, “Yeah, construction isn’t for me, I’m out” and blowing up the last 10 years’ worth of a career I’ve been trying to build here. It would be so much simpler to be out. But I have a lot of pride in this place, it’s basically another family member, and I love that it’s an ethical company that supports real careers and puts its employees first. But I haven’t been happy here for a while. (I loved putting together and running that strategic retreat … but now all that work feels like a waste of time, because we aren’t doing anything with it.) I feel so stuck, and can’t see any way out besides just blowing it up. My relationship with my father and brother would be fine if I left. They would understand. The company would figure it out, or it wouldn’t and my dad would have to sell. I don’t know, at some point it’s still just a business, not actually a member of the family, right? I know I have skills that would make this place better, but I feel like they are atrophying after years and years of banging my head against a wall and not getting any sort of direction or plan or mentorship from anyone here, and feeling like all my efforts to develop my role here are just me flailing about. My passion for this place is gone. Maybe that’s just post-pandemic blues? But I do know I would feel so free if I hit the eject button. I could go back to school, I could find work/volunteer for causes I care about, I could be a more present mom and spouse if I didn’t work here. Maybe that’s the right path, to separate family and work, and just let the chips fall where they may? Note that my spouse also has a full-on career working 60 hours a week for one of the tech giants, so balancing work and family is really hard with both of us having career-type jobs and small kids. And while my income is great to have, it’s not necessary for our financial stability (the same would not be true if we lost my spouse’s income). Any advice would be much appreciated. Update 1 Dec 21, 2021 (6 months later) A lot has changed, and a lot has not. Ultimately I’m still with the family construction business and I suspect I will be for the rest of my career. Two things really hit me after my letter was published. The first being that I didn’t really spell out what I like about my job, which you called me out on. So I gave that some thought. On good days, I love my job because I get to problem solve, either internally or on a project. Often I’m working to understand processes, figure out next steps, facilitate communication and find solutions, and every day is different and full of potential. I also love my company because we’re the type of employer I think all employers should strive to be. We here, yes to make money, but also to allow our employees to have a career that supports them in the unfolding of their lives. Just the other day one of our employees thanked me for this being a wonderful place to work, that has supported her though real health issues, and she said she was glad I was starting to take over the reins as the next generation because she knew I would continue to retain that culture of family. Then just last night I attended an awards ceremony where one of our projects was recognized for the historical restoration of a building that was falling apart. This award winning building is in my neighborhood, it’s a place where my family goes to hang out, where I now take my kids for the winter farmers market. It’s a building that will be part of my larger community for the next 50+ years, and my company did that work. I feel real, deep satisfaction some days. I really like and respect both my father and my brother, who I work with daily. None of that came through in my letter, and it was really helpful to catalog all that good stuff because afterwards the hard stuff I was focusing and wrote you about suddenly loomed less large. I also have to say thanks to all of the advice that came from the commentariat that really helped me look at my situation differently, specifically I was really taken aback by their accusations of sexism towards my father. I found myself pretty insulted on his behalf, because he is the person who has steadfastly been my champion. We’ve had blunt conversations about the dearth of women in construction and why, and he sees what this industry is like and doesn’t think it should be like this. He wants capable people in places of leadership, including capable women. He believes I have the skills and ability do it. We just haven’t been able to figure out how to get me there/get him to let go. Ultimately the comments made me realize I was doing a lot of this to myself. I was taking on the HR stuff, I was volunteering to pick up the 401K administration, order the laptops, fix the website, move into the financial side of the company. Long story short, I had to ask if I was being the sexist one by taking on all the administrative tasks that needed doing, when they didn’t feel like actual moves upwards. I personally didn’t need to own any of it, I just kept taking it on because someone needed to. Maybe it was internalized sexism or maybe it was just being bad at delegating, but I finally saw it thanks to you all. So we’ve since hired a new Office Manager/Director of HR (at my behest) and OMG, yes! This person is worth their weight in gold, and now does, enjoys doing, and does well all of that administrative stuff I had taken on. The new PM who I mentioned in the letter has since started, and I’m training him which mean he’s learning to PM the way I want him to (and has been a great addition to our team). And we’ve also since brought on a Vice President of Marketing and Design, who is potentially going to be our interim CEO instead of me taking the reins directly from my father. This makes a lot of sense in many ways, not least because he has more experience in the industry and with working as an executive, but also because him taking responsibilities from my father is just less fraught. So, now I’m back to being mostly a Project Manager, which I enjoy and am good at, with flavors of being a manager. I’m still a leader here, I’m on the Board of Directors and get to weigh in on decisions and what direction we head, people seek out my advice and ask me to address issues, and while the immediacy of taking over my father’s role is gone, it’s still very much the long term plan (though the plan is more fuzzy than it was. It’s on the to-do list, don’t worry). In the near term, I need to focus on landing projects so we can pay these new hires that are doing the stuff I don’t want to, which seems like a good trade-off to me. Overall I’m really proud of the moves I had this company make over the last year, and specifically the last couple months- the hires, the new projects, the changes in roles, and the leadership/accountability structures I’ve put in place. I appreciate the perspective Alison and the commenters gave me; it helped me figure out a way through to the other side during a rough time. Cheers and thanks so much! Update 2 - my brother is my business partner and he keeps going MIA Nov 11, 2024 (3 years later) I wrote you way back in 2021 when I was trying to decide whether or not to stay in the family business, and in 2024 I sent you my update. I’ve since stepped into the role of CEO, for better or worse, and am now facing an ongoing issue for the first time as the leader of this company. We have three family members who are part of the business now — my father (majority owner and president), myself (CEO, minority owner), and my brother (VP, minority owner). My brother and I have the same ownership stake and the idea was that the company will transition to us, and we will be equal business partners. But my brother is undependable. My guess is that he has depression, anxiety, or some type of mental health issue that he has never addressed, and it means he’s often mildly unreliable and then every once in a while he drops the ball in a spectacular fashion that leaves other people to clean up his mess. We’ve had conversations about this on a number of occasions over the past decade. But about three years ago, it really seemed like he was doing much better. He was showing up, answering his phone, responding to emails, doing his job well, and actively participating in executive planning. He said he wanted to be here with me to lead our family business for the long term. And that felt wonderful. The idea of having a partner in this family business, where it can feel very high stakes and very lonely, was such a relief. My brother is smart and thoughtful, and I trust his judgement and views, which often differ from mine, which is great in a business partner. Shortly after that was when long-term plans for ownership were being put into place, and actual ownership stocks started to change hands. I thought my brother and I were going to be a great team. But 18 months ago, there was a incident where he went uncommunicative for a week and left a project manager in the lurch. We had to scramble to find a subcontractor to complete our work. Eventually he showed up and said he wouldn’t do it again. And then a year ago, he left on his honeymoon having completely failed to get a project with a hard deadline started, leaving me having to scramble to make apologies to city officials, track down materials, ask for extensions, and generally get really ticked off at my brother. Once he got back, I, in the presence of my father, told my brother that he needed to see a therapist or in some other way address his lack of dependability or I would not go into business with him. He agreed and said he’d already talked to his doctor about getting a referral. Over the last year, I’ve asked a couple times if he’s made any progress with getting help, but he’s always said he was waiting on insurance or for an appointment, etc. Over the last month he’s gotten shaky again, being less and less responsive. Then two days ago, I found out he was leaving the country the next day for two weeks. He never told me. I found out from my mother. We once again have a project left in the lurch, making other people scramble. He left one of our crews short a member (he gave his guys only one work day of notice) and another employee is scheduling things that he should have scheduled. And I’ve come to discover that he’s put off scheduling a kick-off meeting for another project for the past three weeks, ignoring the emails from an angry PM for the state. How do I deal with this? I know I don’t want to be in business with my brother under these circumstances. I said that last year, and I meant it, and I set a boundary… and here we are and it’s time to enforce this boundary. I know all that, but I don’t know what to actually do and what to actually ask for. My dad sees all this, and is supportive of me. My brother has been doing this to my dad for nearly a decade, and I think my dad is even more fed up and upset than I am. My dad is also a bit of a hothead and a dictator. He wants to straight-up fire my brother. I don’t know. Maybe that’s best? But my brother has good qualities, good skills, and he is an owner and he is my brother. What about a PIP? A leave of absence? A change in role, take him out of leadership? Or did that ship sail last year? Part of what is so hard is that I love him. And he’s falling apart at work because of very real, very challenging stuff in his personal life. The other part is, I lived the same childhood as my brother. We had an alcoholic mother and my parents went through a terribly messy divorce, and all that created issues around communication and confrontation and self-worth and shame for all of us (issues that I’ve worked hard to overcome through my own therapy and coaching). So I’m deeply empathetic to why my brother is the way he is. And I don’t want to blow up my relationship with him or my sister-in-law. But I can’t do it like this anymore. And ultimately if we keep going like this, the relationship is already destroyed because I’m so frustrated and angry. And I could work with him, somehow, probably, if he would just communicate with me — if he had just told me he was going to be on vacation, that he had been ignoring these emails, that he was stalling out. But we’ve tried saying, “Please, for the love of everything, just communicate!” for nearly a decade, and nothing has changed. It’s never really gotten better, except for that brief period three years ago. I’ve read through your archives, looking for family businesses hitting similar issues, and this and this really hit home. We’re experiencing these issues, the hit to morale and people talking about leaving based on family members being treated differently. So I know we need to change and I know there is no way to do it without this being sad and painful. Any advice you could offer to help me figure out some options to move forward that fall between “keep doing what we’re doing and getting the same result” and “fire him as soon as he steps off the airplane” would be much appreciated. My brother gets back in two weeks, and I need a game plan for what our conversation is going to look like. Update 3 June 17, 2025 (4 years after OG post) The news is all positive but the path there was not without its challenges. So when I wrote in, my brother had gone out on vacation without giving any notice (again…), leaving me and others in the lurch. Many commenters supposed he was entitled and spoiled, making big money for doing nothing, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re a mid-sized family business; all of us work very hard and everyone is paid a solid livelihood, including the family owners. But no one is making Fortune-500 money. And on the other side of the coin, all the same executive pressures exist. The responsibility to keep this place going, to make the right choices so we survive a recession, survive the competition, and survive the changes in technology and workforce and varying governmental requirements is intense. My brother was buckling under the stress of living up to everything … not least of which was being pulled between my father’s expectations and the expectations of his wife, neither of which he could meet and neither of whom he could figure out how to talk to about the reality of what he could and couldn’t do. Then go ahead and add the pressure of a very successful older sister, who is his boss, to the mix. Simply put, he was freezing up and stalling out in the face of all that conflict. This is the thing about family business that nothing and no one can really prepare you for. People tell you to compartmentalize. They tell you to separate business from family. They tell you to not let the two worlds mix. But the reality is that you are sitting there, at all times, being both a daughter and a manager, a sister and a colleague, a parent and a boss, a child and a subordinate. There is no separating, no putting on different hats, no being two different people inside yourself. You’re just one person, and there actually is no way to keep your family history from impacting your reactions to the other person, and no way to inure one way you have to relate to someone from impacting the other way you relate to them. When it’s good, it’s really good. But when it’s hard, its everything that is hard about family combined with everything that is hard about business, which is hard indeed. So the very hard choice I made was to decide that I had to do what was best for the company, for the sake of myself and all my colleagues, and to let go of the rest. I had to be okay with losing my relationship with my brother for the sake of the business. When my brother returned from his trip, I put him on unpaid leave and told him that if he wanted to rejoin the family business he would need to come back to a labor/field-only position without any authority. My brother is actually very talented and skilled in many ways, just not as a project manager, so keeping his skills in our workforce was in the best interest of the company and I told him so. But I fired my brother and told him he would have to reapply for a new position because his old position no longer existed. Then, as his sister, I told him I loved him. I told him I would be happy to help him financially while he was out of work. I told him I would be happy to help him find a therapist. And I would be happy to support him and his family in any way they needed during this time, just not through the company. I tried to be there for him, even as I was the one firing him. And he was never upset with me. He saw all of it. He knew he had let everyone down. He knew why I was doing what I was doing. He left the office that day feeling even more awful and more horribly guilty about the whole situation. It took him about six weeks of not working, of dealing with the implications of what was happening, of finally being honest with his wife about all of it, for him to come to terms with everything, but he did. He is now regularly seeing a therapist (ironically, my therapist, which is a good thing because she is great) and he is starting to deal with some of the baggage from our childhood. Eventually he did come back to work. Now, day to day he is just a mason, laying brick and block at the direction of others. He was on hiatus for a while from his ownership duties, but he is now back on our executive team since he is still an owner and an officer. Those meetings are after hours so they don’t interfere with his field duties. It’s still a little bit of a weird set up, because it’s still family business. But he is doing his job well and he is much happier now that his role matches his capabilities and he’s not constantly worried about dropping the ball or not meeting expectations. And so am I. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
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reddit.com |
Direct-Caterpillar77 |
Jun 24, 2025 |