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[New Update – 20 months later]: AITAH for telling my fiancé that if he expects me to contribute 50/50, we have to make some serious lifestyle changes?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAdownsizing Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRUs: #1 originally posted by u/Stephenallen1977 [New Update – 20 months later]: AITAH for telling my fiancé that if he expects me to contribute 50/50, we have to make some serious lifestyle changes? NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Trigger Warnings: debt issues, financial mismanagement, mental health issues, verbal abuse Mood Spoilers: positive overall RECAP Editor's Note: the original post was saved in the previous BoRU Original Post: August 21, 2023 My (26F) fiancé (26M) sat me down yesterday and gave me a long talk about how he feels like I don't contribute enough to the household, particularly in the financial sense. I was a bit caught off guard by this, but was willing to hear him out, since he wasn't wrong. He makes a lot more than I do, and we've always split bills accordingly, which ends up being about 80% him. I asked what he wanted me to pay now, and he was adamant about it being 50/50. I asked if everything was okay with his job, or if he needed to take fewer hours, and he wouldn't answer me. I honestly wouldn't have gotten upset if there seemed like an actual reason behind it, but he just said he'd been thinking about it a lot, over and over, every time I asked what brought him to this conclusion, what was going on, and eventually he just said "this is how it's going to be, take it or leave it." Those exact words, in response to literally everything I said. Full shutdown. No explanations. I told him that was fine I'll take it, and then asked if he'd made a zillow account yet, or expected me to. He looked confused, and asked why we would need a zillow account. I explained that there's no way I can afford half rent on our current place, so we'll probably have to move into a one-bedroom apartment. He got mad and asked why I didn't have savings. I told him that I do, but I'm not paying rent out of my savings, because that's a terrible and unsustainable idea. I also began to go over what our new food budget would be, our new entertainment budget, and that we'd probably have to sell the cars and get one less expensive one because I can't afford half of the payments on an Audi and a Land Rover. Then I explained that date nights would probably have to be reduced too, and we could still do, like Buffalo Wild Wings or something, but I preferred Thursday nights because you get two orders of boneless wings for one. Basically, if he wants me to pay half, we're living within my means, not his anymore. He kind of agreed to it, but since then, he's been incredibly angry. He's not saying or doing anything, but it's like he's walking around the house in this cloud of pissed-off. I sent him six zillow listings, all of which he's called uninhabitable for various reasons, some of which I think were valid, others I disagree with. He's now saying that I'm being unfair and manipulative, and that he tried to come to me with a serious concern about our relationship and I'm making it impossible for him to talk to me, and bulldozing over him. AITA? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Can I ask what your salary and his salary are? Like general numbers? A charitable take on his actions could be that he resents not having more money, and is trying to "inspire" you to try to up your salary or change into a more lucrative promotion/career so you can both be living the high life. He might be imaging how great it would be to have 200% of his income, instead of 120%. If that's the case, he's still going about it a shite and douchey way. Personally, I agree with many other comments re: someone has insinuated that you're a gold digger, and he was expecting you to break up with him, not problem-solve. OOP: I make around 35K a year. He makes around 120K a year. It's not like there's some magical "be rich suddenly" button I can press. I'm a preschool teacher, and I don't have a college degree, and I certainly can't afford a college degree at this point without asking for help or taking out insane loans. Commenter 2: NTA. To me, it sounds like something happened with his job and he's not able to tell you yet, for whatever reasons. I would try to have another calm chat about it with him, also showing him how much you'd be able to afford long term. Don't move forward with your plans of getting married until you both agree on your finances. OOP: I asked about the job, and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. The frustrating part is that I honestly do not mind downsizing, and if I found out tomorrow he lost a job, I'd literally be fine selling what we have and living in a trailer together off just my income, but this feels like some weird power play instead. Downvoted Commenter: I get a feeling that his aim was to try and make you more ambitious, you need to equal him in ability to pay the bills, so you need to either get a promotion or a new job paying the same as him... So NTA, but your partner is a prick for not thinking things through and trying to strong arm you into doing something without discussing it first OOP: I don't know how I'd go about doing that, all things considered. It's not like there's some magical "be rich suddenly" button I can press. I'm a preschool teacher, and I don't have a college degree, and I certainly can't afford a college degree at this point without asking for help or taking out insane loans. Downvoted Commenter 2: if you can barely afford your basic living expenses why the hell are you driving an audi (or range)? this is a classic example of lifestyle creep. if you barely make enough to contribute to rent, driving a luxury car is shameful. you’re NTA, you’re just a spoiled and unrealistic person OOP: He gave me the audi as a birthday present. It was not something I was aware of until it was in the driveway with a big pink bow and confetti. Literally like a car commercial. He's always had a bit of a flair for the dramatic. Commenter 3: NTA. What podcasts does he listen to?* OOP: I don't know in detail. Joe Rogan I'm pretty sure, and "Cumtown," and I think a guy called Sam Hyde. They're apparently funny. I don't super get that kind of humor. Update #1: August 26, 2023 (five days later) Hi everyone! This got way bigger than intended, so I figured a follow-up was owed. So, last time I posted was Monday. Monday as a whole was spent just sorting through what I felt, and what to do next. There was a lot of silence and a lot of anger, and a LOT of reddit advice, some of which I found very insightful, some of which was less so. Also some people think I made this up as part of a viral marketing sponsorship between buffalo wild wings, audi, and zillow, which honestly would solve the money problems if true, but alas, is not the case. On Tuesday, after I got home from work, I sort of just walked up to him on the elliptical and explained as calmly as I could that I had questions, and if he actually wanted to marry me, he needed to be willing to answer them. I asked if he thought I was a gold digger, yes or no. He said yes. I told him that I wasn't willing to be in a relationship where I have to prove myself by sacrificing any sort of stability, and that led to a bit of a screaming match, and eventually, a confession. So it turns out we cannot afford anything we have right now. We are in serious credit card debt, the cars are both on the verge of being repossessed, and I did not know about any of this. He's been cutting corners on actual necessities, including psychiatric medication. That in combination with some comments from his family led him to some pretty dark places. My fiancé had a full breakdown and apologized for calling me a gold digger, which was nice to hear, but this whole thing had me pretty shaken up. I went to stay with a friend for a little bit. Yesterday, my fiancé and I did in fact go out to BWW and get the two for one boneless. We talked, a lot. I'm still writing fiancé for now, and I really hope we can work through all of this. We talked about how to sell the cars-- we don't particularly have a choice at this point-- and about my income, his income, and the sort of life we want to have. If we do stay together, we'll be changing how we live a lot. We need to get out of debt, we need to get on our feet. I know some people are gonna say I'm being dumb for not immediately dropping all contact and giving up on the relationship, but I can't do that. I can't look at the guy I love, who went off his meds to try and make a good life for me, and think he's not worth sticking around for, at least to try. I don't know what the future looks like at all anymore though, and the wedding is very postponed at the moment. Sorry this wasn't a more fun update. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: OP, has he come clean to you about what got you guys so deep in the hole? For it to get to the brink it did, lifts more red flags in the air. He could be coping with an addiction problem, or something else that could destroy your life. You have got to figure this out ASAP. Please don't make any wedding plans; this is not the man you wanted to marry.* OOP: He has. It's not gambling or drugs, like a lot of people are saying. It's an addiction to nice things. He's got a lot of financial hangups, and comes from a family that replaced love with money, so he got it in his head that the only way to show love was to provide a very fancy sort of lifestyle, which was way over budget for us. It's going to be a hard pill to swallow, cutting back on everything, but it's what has to happen. Additional Comments from OOP OOP: I didn't write everything out in this post, but we did go over how the debt got this bad, and I'm currently aware of pretty much everything. There are some accounts I still need to look at this weekend, but for the most part it's all above board at this point. We're definitely looking at the relationship, and I'm going to be taking a much more active role in life planning if we do continue. + The wedding is on pause for an unknown amount of time. I'm already looking into places I can afford, and will probably end up renting a trailer. And no, I'm not lying for him. I told him point blank that hiding this stuff is what got us into this mess, and he's not going to be able to keep it under wraps if he wants to stay with me. We need to be up front about our financial situation, whether he's embarrassed or not. + I think that with some hard work, we'll both end up in a better position. We need to get out of debt, and I'm taking the reins for a bit since he's never lived frugally before, but if all goes well, we'll get through this. + I don't plan to leave if he sticks to what we're talking about and actually takes steps forward. I love this man, and I'll fight for what we have. If he won't fix things, won't listen, and continues to disrespect me, I'm gone, but I genuinely believe we will get through this. I know he can do better, and I believe he wants to. Now he has to prove it. Commenter 2: Don't gloss over the comments from family. If you marry him, you're marrying them too. If they're generally toxic to his mental health, you need to talk about whether NC is necessary. If not, he has some serious repair work to do to fix the impression they have of you. Or has to take on the job of shielding you from their bs. OOP: His family don't like me for a number of reasons. They don't like that I don't have a college degree, they don't like that I grew up low-income or went to public school, and they don't approve at all of the fact that I'm religious. His mother in particular has called me a hick, a redneck, and several other things I won't put down here. Up until this point, though, he's been pretty good about defending me. Good Things About My Fiancé: August 26, 2023 (same day) Recovered via Arctic Shift: Recovered Pretty as fuck. This is the most physically attractive man I have ever met. Literal golden curls like a da Vinci painting, crystal blue eyes, just so pretty it gives me butterflies whenever he looks at me sometimes. Best I've ever had in bed. Very good at just about anything, actually likes going down on me, and makes me see stars. I have never been in a relationship that was as sexually satisfying as this one, and there's no way I'm going back after this. His voice is very sexy. Especially when he speaks Russian. He also speaks French, Spanish, and apparently Latin? But Russian is my favorite. Got a vasectomy so I could go off birth control. He was the one to suggest it, because he saw how much I hated those stupid pills, and he was willing to get an actual surgery for me. Full of little surprises and adventures. He's always doing things like getting me wildflowers, making my favorite breakfast before I wake up, or even planning little day adventures for us to go on together. Life is never mundane because he's always making it special. Actually does housework. Does not need to be asked to do housework. He actually does more of the cleaning than I do, and I cook most of the meals, because he thinks that sweeping and mopping floors is "meditative." I do not know how I got this lucky on this one. Plays guitar. Really, really well. It's very attractive. Can physically pick me up and carry me around and does this often. I am not a small woman, to be clear. This is legitimately impressive and makes me feel so nice. READS. I can actually talk about books!! With him!! You have no idea how rare this is, especially to find a guy who'll read anything I say "oh I liked this." You do not comprehend the feeling of mentioning offhandedly that you're reading Midnight Sun and having him come to you the next day after spending all night reading so that you could talk about it together until you live it. Has shown me that there is actual romance in life and that I deserve more than a flat boring relationship devoid of orgasms or dancing in the rain or music. He brought real passion and fun and aliveness into my life, and in a world where that's treated as an unrealistic fantasy for most women, he's shown me that I deserve something unrealistic. ----NEW UPDATE---- Update 2: May 14, 2025 (more than 20 months later) We are out of debt. It feels so, so good to say that and have it be true, but as of three days ago, everything is finally paid off and we've made our way back onto solid ground. Almost two years ago, I made a post here about my (28F) fiancé (28M) wanting to split things 50-50, and my offer of compromising on lifestyle changes. As it turned out, he was off his meds and had managed to get himself into some serious debt, a little under 100k, trying to provide a life that we could not afford on a combined 155k a year. Things were rough. I almost left him a few times. But we have finally, finally, finally made it through to the other side. I handle the finances. 100% of the finances. I give him a budget for buying coffee. It wasn't fun, but in exchange he started doing more of the housework, so it evens out. We moved from our over-the-top apartment into a shared living situation, which, while not ideal, was leagues better than my initial plan of getting a trailer. We have roommates, but they're on another floor, so it's not too bad, and we have our own bathroom which was my only real stipulation. We've lived like we're a 70k a year couple, doing actual 50-50 finances, and every extra penny he's made has gone directly to paying off the debt. We sold the cars, obviously. Traded them in for a nice used Ford Maverick and a Vespa. That helped a lot. There have been no more lavish vacations or over-the-top restaurants with $500 price tags. It was rough for my fiancé at first. He's always been very much a rich boy, and I think losing that as an identity was difficult for him. That being said-- he's gotten *so creative* lately, it's been amazing to see. He will make me things if he can't buy me things, and we've started cooking together instead of having me do almost all of it. Our room is covered in the things he's made for me, and it's really lovely. We're still in love. We're still going strong. And we can finally, finally, finally start actually planning our wedding again. We're gonna get our own place first, but the wedding is next on the list after that. I'm so glad that we stuck with this, and being on the other side is the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you to everyone who offered advice. submitted by
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