|
[New Update - 1 Year Later]: AITAH for telling my mom “I’m used to it” after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and the wedding dress?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/glitterglazegloo Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRUs: #1 [New Update - 1 Year Later]: AITAH for telling my mom “I’m used to it” after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and the wedding dress? Trigger Warnings: entitlement, manipulation, neglect RECAP Original Post: April 26, 2025 I (27F) am getting married in September 2025. I’m in a long distance relationship. My partner lives in England and I’m in the US. We’re lucky enough that I work remote and visit about 3 times a year for six weeks at a time, and he visits me in the US about four times a year for once a week. When he was planning to propose, he had asked my parents blessing in March 2024. My parents had “assumed” that I would know when he was proposing, and my dad had told me in a conversation that following week he was proposing in December 2024. As you could imagine, I was upset. My mother invalidated my feelings and said I was making it a big deal and being stupid for not assuming it was going to be during Christmas because that’s when both of our families were together. My argument is that while I could have had a hunch, I didn’t want to be told when it was, and basically could have gone practically a whole year wondering excitedly when it would be. For all I know, he could’ve proposed before that, and Christmas we would have had an engagement party. Anyway, basically my dad apologized but my mom has stood firm on saying I’m dramatic for being upset. Since then, more things have gone wrong, and has started to leave me just so sad about wedding planning. None of this has been a good experience and I’ve started to feel like it’s a chore. Flash forward to today, my partner is visiting (just for one week.) and we’re all sitting on the couch in the living room. My mom randomly turns to me and goes, “Have you picked up your veil from the bridal store yet?” Right in front of him. And then my partner smiles and goes, oh, you’re wearing a veil? And I just got super frustrated. There are only two surprises in a wedding— the engagement and the dress. And both of them have been handled so carelessly. So I turned to my mom and said, can you please not mention anything about the dress? Not the shoes, nothing. I don’t want him knowing anything. She rolls her eyes, walks around, and about 10 minutes later gives a half-hearted apology just saying, “Sorry, OP.” And I replied, “it’s fine. I’m used to it at this point.” And now she’s gone back and locked herself in the room. So I guess, AITA for being upset? EDIT: I know a lot of people are asking if this is like her— it isn’t. She has already had one of her four daughters get married, I’m the second. She never ruined the engagement or the dress. And she seemed to care a whole lot more about her than she has me during this time. Second EDIT: Nowadays a lot of brides opt to wear veils, tiaras, sometimes hats, or embellishments, or nothing at all. I forgot to mention that my fiancé had told me he didn’t want to know if I was wearing a veil or anything and wanted it all to be a surprise. Since he’s very mild tempered and sweet, he was surprised but was trying to be nice in his reaction because he knew I’d be upset. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Are you the scapegoat of the family? Because her bullshit smells of personality disorder. OOP: Her mom has borderline personality disorder and is a narcissist. My mom exhibits a lot of those qualities too. Commenter 2: If you're going to elope, then know that you have to do the prep work in advance. You can't visit the UK and just get married. OOP: Yes I know! We’ve started looking into the requirements Commenter 3: But...why are you even sharing anything with them when it’s so blatantly obvious that they don't care to keep these secrets? you need to accept that your parents are lousy parents to you. Do not share anything about the wedding with them anymore. They're not invited to the dress fittings, don't know what you'll buy or wear, and they most certainly won't be told any secrets. Does it suck? Oh yeah obviously. But look at what happened? No matter how much you beg and plead you'll always be the one "overreacting" and being the one out of line. If they ask why you're not telling them anything or trusting them with anything you can tell them that they've repeatedly shown you that they do not care about making you happy. So you stopped caring about involving them. They still have two other daughters to show they care. And from their track record it looks like they might actually care more about them than about you. but be prepared to have your sisters get involved or share secrets with your parents (so no involving them either) or try to admonish you for "hurting them" OOP: I’ve definitely decided to not include any family members, because my sisters definitely would tell my mother anything I said. Update #1: April 27, 2025 (next day) So for context, a lot of things have gone wrong since we have been in talks of getting engaged. Obviously my dad had told me about the engagement, but then other things went wrong like: my partner’s sister causing drama the day before our engagement, the day of our engagement going horribly wrong to the point my partner told me he’d propose again, finding out last month that my partners dad got remarried a year ago in secret (we didn’t even know he was dating anyone) and him asking for a plus one for the wife no one had even heard of (while also telling my partner he’s ridiculous for being upset because it isn’t a big deal), and my best friend bailing on my bachelorette for someone else’s. So it’s safe to say that since December, it’s been stressful. And those are only the bigger issues I mentioned. I know everyone was saying my mom should be on an info diet— she already was by her own choice! She hasn’t asked or been part of anything by her own design and it’s felt like she couldn’t care less about the wedding. The only time she cared was when she found out we were only inviting 40 people and people she wanted there weren’t invited (like her friends, who I barely see or know, and her brother and cousin, who I both haven’t seen since I was 11). That’s when she insisted on paying for them so they could come. And that’s the only time she’s asked about anything having to do with the wedding, or to be honest, anything involving me. She hasn’t checked in to see if me and my partner are okay, given all of the other stuff that has happened, either. So I ended up speaking with my mom a little while after what happened, and I told her that while I know I shouldn’t have said “I’m used to it,” that ultimately I’m upset because it seems nothing has gone right. She seemed apologetic at first and said she didn’t know why she said that and knew that she shouldn’t have. I nodded and said just please don’t say anything else regarding what you know about the dress. (She was there when I got the dress and veil with my sisters) I then told her that I’m just tired of things going wrong, and that my partner and I have felt super unsupported and alone. She responded back starting her sentence with, “OP, only a handful of things have happened. I feel like you’re looking for things to be upset about at this point.” And to be honest, when she said that, I kind of lost it. I basically said that I didn’t go looking for any of this, and all of these things that have happened to my fiancé and I were out of our control. Like, you’re the one who brought up the veil, not me. I didn’t go looking for any of these issues. I definitely didn’t go looking for my partners dad (who has been single for 15 years) to not only lie about dating but secretly go get married and not tell his son for a year. I told her that if there was one problem, then fine, I’d have handled it and moved on, but that the repeated offenses have hurt me and I’ve been trying to get over what’s occurred but something else happens to make the wedding planning even harder. I told her that I’ve felt super alone during a time that’s supposed to be joyful, and that her carelessness and thoughtlessness has been super hurtful, especially when she’s continually invalidated my feelings. She shrugged and said that she’s done nothing and she’s not going to talk to me or ask about me about the other problems going on because I’ve been upset and she doesn’t want to deal with it. lol. After a lot of your comments, I realized that I definitely was attempting to include someone who has shown not only should they not be, but they don’t want to be. My partner leaves back to the UK today, but at this point I’m considering eloping with him (if I can) when I’m visiting him in England in May. We’ve already paid half of what we owe to our venue and photographer, so cancelling isn’t really an option, but maybe we’ll have just the reception instead of the ceremony. Thank you to the commenters who pointed out that if we ever have children, to keep the important moments to ourselves of gender or birth date or names. I think you’re right, and my mom has pretty much ensured she will be on a permanent info diet for as long as she’s in my life, because if not, she’ll more than likely spoil it and then invalidate my feelings. I think ultimately it wasn’t about the veil for me. I know my partner will still be surprised, I’m just sad because he told me he didn’t want an idea of anything and wanted to be completely clueless about what I would be wearing. But ultimately this was about the continued thoughtlessness and invalidation that’s pretty much been the theme for the last four months. If my mom had said she was sorry and left it, it would’ve been fine. But acting like I went looking to be upset when she randomly ruins yet another detail is just wild to me. EDIT: I also forgot to say, yes, I am moving to England! We are hoping to make that jump at the beginning of 2026. Second EDIT: I know a lot of people are saying completely cancel the venue, but we already have friends and family from my fiancés side who have bought their flight tickets to come (at least 10 have already confirmed). I don’t think I have the heart in me to cost people that kind of money when they’ve already invested into this. Third edit lol: I’m not sure if my mom cares that I’m moving. I am in England for six to eight weeks at a time every few months, so she’s already used to me leaving for a significant amount of time. She doesn’t seem sad I’m leaving, and if anything has said she understands why I’m moving. If she is sad, or that’s the real reason behind all of this, I’d actually be super surprised. I won’t rule it out, but my mom isn’t the type to care about that sort of thing. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Have you looked into the visas? I moved to the UK 18 years ago it can be stressful dealing with immigration and expensive OOP: Yes! I’m a little worried but I think we’ll be fine. Original plan was to get married, do long distance a little more, and then for me to apply for residency and move over there. Thankfully he is over the financial threshold for me to move. Commenter 2: Honestly I'm trying to figure out what the big deal is that your fiancé's father got married? How does that affect you? It doesn't. What's the big deal about knowing that you'll be wearing a veil? It's just a piece of fabric and odds are most women wear veils. Sorry but IMO it does seem like you're making a big deal out of stuff you have no control over. You need to just ignore the stuff around you and enjoy your wedding. Although I will say your BF? She's an AH. How could she do that?? I hope you uninvited her from the wedding. OOP: His dad didn’t tell anyone he was married. He randomly told my fiancé last month because he wanted to ask for a plus one, and when my fiancé asked why he needed a plus one, he finally had to fess up he’d married someone and didn’t tell anyone. My fiancé was rightfully hurt by that, he didn’t even know his dad was dating anyone. If your dad, who you were close with, didn’t even mention he remarried someone a year ago, I think you’d be shocked too. It also created tension because my fiancé’s parents don’t speak already, and they are both unpredictable people. His dad also said he would more than likely leave the wedding early and that he refused to meet with the mom beforehand to prevent any issues on the wedding day. Caused a lot of drama and he uninvited his dad from the wedding because of it. The veil was frustrating because it was obviously another thing my parents revealed. My fiancé didn’t want to know a single thing or hint over what I was wearing. And yes, lol. Best friend has been uninvited. OOP on her fiancé helping with the wedding planning and how the stress has been affecting him with his own family issues OOP: My fiancé does what he can to help with wedding planning all the way from England. He’s definitely involved in this, and every time he visits we have ironed out as many details as we can. To clarify, I am not directly involved with his dad, but obviously I love my partner and support him, and it has been a source of stress. You may have missed my other comments, but the problem is my fiancé’s family has a lot of tension. His mom and sister don’t speak to his dad, and haven’t for over 10 years. Already there were concerns about what their behavior would be like at the wedding because the three of them are all very unpredictable people (his sister had caused a bunch of drama the day before our engagement for instance) and it’s totally feasible that they would have drama on our wedding day. My fiancé didn’t even know his dad had been dating anyone. When my fiancé went to go meet him for a coffee catchup, his dad asked for a plus one. My fiancé was confused, because our wedding is small, and we hadn’t accounted for him wanting one. When he asked his dad why, his dad beat around the bush until finally admitting he’d married someone in secret a year ago, and literally no one, I mean NO ONE knew. Not only that, but his dad in the same breath, essentially said that he wasn’t going to meet up with the mom & sister prior to the wedding (which my fiancé requested so the wedding wouldn’t be the initial shock of seeing each other and could avoid problems) and that he’d also probably leave our wedding early. My fiancé was, understandably, shocked. His dad basically said my fiancé was ridiculous for being confused and upset and he should get over it. While it isn’t my dad, my fiancé and I are each other’s support systems, and it’s been distressing information for him to find out. How would you feel if your dad had been married for a year and you didn’t even know he was seeing anyone? Regardless, it DOES affect me, since it’s our wedding. It’s another person who has brought a stressful element into planning, and my fiancé had to make the difficult decision to disinvite him from the wedding to keep peace, since his dad and mom are unpredictable and his dad has already provided a hint and a half he will be difficult and only cares about his own interests. OOP responds to a longer comment regarding her parents spoiling the surprises and the moods for the engagement and wedding planning OOP: My parents are not that old, they’re both in their mid-50s, and both are mentally fine and healthy. They also have had another daughter get married previously to me, so this isn’t their first rodeo. I didn’t go looking to blame my mom for what my dad did. But my mom DID make him think that I knew when the proposal was. When my fiancé asked for their blessing, that night they had been discussing. My dad made a comment that he thought I didn’t know, and my mom said that of course I knew. So my dad thought it was fine to say to me. Not only that, she brought it upon herself from the get-go to say that I was ridiculous for being upset and it’s not a big deal. I never blamed her for what happened, but I do think it’s shitty to take it upon yourself to seek me out to tell me I’m ridiculous for privately being sad. So not only did she not apologize for her assumptions, but went out of her way to tell me I’m ridiculous. I think there’s a lot of assumptions here in your reply. I think my dad was good natured and really felt awful. My mom was indignant that my feelings had no place. I think, when you’re the one who causes the confusion, and you go out of your way to invalidate someone’s feelings, you become part of the problem. Ultimately I’d be happier having a parent who made me feel valued and loved and like my feelings had a place, and get to experience a lovely relationship like the one you’re describing, than my parent who makes me feel ignored, unheard, and ultimately just all around invisible. Just because someone is alive doesn’t mean they are instantly better. I’m sorry and my condolences about your dad. ----NEW UPDATE---- Update #2: April 24, 2026 (nearly one year later!) UPDATE: AITAH for telling my mom “I’m used to it” after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and wedding dress? A few people over the last few months have been asking, so here’s the update! A lot of you will be disappointed to know that we did not end up eloping or cancelling the wedding. It’s easy on the internet to say to cancel, but I couldn’t take the idea of giving up the $13,000 I’d already invested into it lol. While there were definitely some hiccups along the way, my husband and I had decided to not let anyone’s pettiness or juvenile behavior bother us anymore, or dictate our special day. Thankfully, I didn’t deal with much more from my side. While my mom never really apologized, or acknowledged how I felt, I remembered something a therapist had said to me about her a long time ago: Why are you surprised by this? She’s been the exact same person she’s shown you she is. You’re angry because you expected something different, but she’s shown you she’ll never be different. I love my mom, and she’s a great mom, but she also has major flaws and she’s hurt my feelings a lot. Ultimately, in the last year, I’ve grown to accept that she is who she is, and I shouldn’t keep giving her the space to hurt me. As a lot of you suggested, I’ve implemented the grey rock method like crazy. And you know what’s funny? She hardly knows anything about my life anymore, and she doesn’t seem to mind. It’s a win-win. My poor husband did endure a lot of issues as well at the same time, and had one last tiff on his side, which resulted in him not doing a mother/son dance. Weddings can really show you who’s in your corner, and while we definitely learned that, we also found out exactly who our support system is!! The best example being the best man, who made sure everything ran smoothly, double checked we always had full glasses, coordinated with the venue owner so I didn’t have to, and even rented us a fancy car to end the night with! HAPPY THINGS that happened on our wedding day: I had bought a second “reception dress” to change into. I had been feeling so out of control, that I decided to buy a dress second hand, for $400, and it was BEAUTIFUL. I told no one about it, kept it to myself, and had the best time jumping out for a reveal before we started dancing. I love that dress so much! And because I love it so much, I’m actually going to attach a picture so people can see. We got married September 21st, and it ever so lightly rained right before the ceremony, which they say is good luck, so I was very pleased. The venue was stunning, our ceremony was so lovely, and it was so relieving to see that everything we’d gone through to be there in that moment was SO. WORTH. IT. Literally I have no complaints. Every single guest told us it was the best wedding they’d been to (not to toot my own horn). But that day was absolutely perfect. The photographer was great, the food was amazing (I’m Mexican and Colombian, so we catered in food trucks and had mariachis play while we ate), the music was perfect. Everything was so relieving, and exciting, and perfect. And then we jetted off to a quick honeymoon in Cancun, where we got to just lay on a beach and relax and think about nothing! But next year will be our real, big trip together: Bali! For those who will ask, no, I have not moved to England yet. Unfortunately, I’m a business owner, and we learned my taxes will be a doozy. I’m currently looking to slowly transition out and be fully living there in 2027 or 2028. We are still doing long distance until then. I am set to go to England next at the end of April and will be there for two months! pictures from the wedding descriptions of the pictures in chronological order 1) Both groom and bride has their moment for the first dance of their wedding reception. Bride has a short white dress with detailed lace sleeves. The groom is in a white shirt with dark trousers. In the background is the indoor venue for the reception. 2) In the background, there are multiple white chairs set up for the ceremony likely on the patio outside the wedding reception location. Several chandeliers are showed along with a disco ball, creating cute decor. 3) The moment is captured after the vows where the groom is dipping the bride backwards in a classic pose. Bride is wearing a long white grown with a flowing train and detailed lace, She has a white bouquet of flowers. The theme appears to be white colored 4) The picture is in black and white. Groom and bride shares a first kiss at the atlar. The frame is based on the upper bodies and faces, but not the full scene. 5) Bride is seated on a grey couch, displaying her off the shoulder wedding dress. The dress is decorated with lace appliques and beadwork. Bride has her engagement ring showed as her left hand is placed near her knee between the dress' high slit. 6) a close up of the bride's torso and hands featuring the detailed elements of the off the shoulder wedding gown. Sleeves are made of lace, extending to the wrists with pearl accents along the edges End of the descriptions Relevant Comments Commenter 1: The food must've been amazing! That's such a cool idea and must've been so much fun. OOP: It seriously was. I forgot to add we’d catered in a paleta (popsicle) caterer. She had passion fruit, coconut, mango, all these popsicles and toppings. It was so good. I’m pissed I didn’t eat very much that day! The nerves had gotten me haha! Commenter 2: So you're married but still long distance? OOP: Unfortunately, but I am fortunate enough to be able to fly to England often. I’m there about 4-6 months out of the year, and he visits in the gaps! Commenter 3: No one has mentioned the gloves? Girl, not only did you look amazing in both dresses but those gloves 😭 I'm obsessed. Wishing you all the happiness! OOP: Okay RIGHT!? The gloves made that dress. I love them! DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
|
reddit.com |
Choice_Evidence1983 |
May 1, 2026 |
|
My (26F) brother (22M) and his fiance of nearly 2 years (21F) are planning a wedding that is an etiquette nightmare and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TheDreamingMyriad My (26F) brother (22M) and his fiance of nearly 2 years (21F) are planning a wedding that is an etiquette nightmare and I'm not sure how to handle it. TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement, infidelity Original Post Nov 10, 2014 This is going to be a wall of text so I apologize in advance. My 22 year old brother, Andrew, and his 21 year old fiance, Christy, have been "planning" their wedding for over a year now. The date is set for April 25th of 2015. Initially, she had asked me to be a bridesmaid, but after she also wanted my daughter to be a flower girl, my husband to be a groomsman, me to do her makeup and engagement photos as a gift to her, and help with details the day of, I felt it was too much on one plate. Also, quite frankly, I can't afford her very specific dress (floor length ball gown, which she still has not selected), specific shoes, a tux for my hubby, a flower girl dress for my daughter, high quality makeup in her skin tone, and over $500 in photo sittings and editing. It's just too much time and money that I don't have. I sat her and my brother down and gently let them know that I wouldn't be a bridesmaid, though I was honored she chose me, because I didn't think I'd be a good bridesmaid with so much on my plate. They seemed sad but took it well and, until recently, had no further problems. Fast forward to this past weekend. They came over for dinner and talked with me and my mom about their wedding plans. I'm just going to sum those ideas up here. They want to have their ceremony outside. We mentioned that it would almost certainly be freezing. On the same date this past year, it was 30 degrees with a 15 mph icy wind and ice rain later in the day. Christy's response was "well I should be warm in my dress, it's pretty heavy." They have a venue that has plenty of indoor area so they can get married there in worst case scenario but they basically have said unless it's snowing or pissing rain, it'll be outside. I'm sure her bridesmaids in their strapless dresses and flip flops or slippers will love that. As for my 1 year old daughter, I'm not forcing her to stay out in cold like that in a tea length dress with no sleeves. I don't know how to politely say, "I'm not torturing my daughter or risking her becoming ill because you want a spring wedding in a wintery month." As for the date, they REFUSE to change it. They've told us that April 20th has no significance, is not an anniversary, and has nothing to do with their relationship. But they will NOT change it, even though we've gently mentioned, "hey, May should be much warmer and would definitely make it easier for an outdoor wedding, especially for your guests!" Their response is that April 25th is the date, period, and the guests don't matter because it's "their" day. Okay, fine whatever, we'll bundle up I guess. Their plan is to have the ceremony under a gazebo type structure. A very old family friend got some online thing from some vague church so he could marry people. He loves it! We've all known him since we were young, and he offered to officiate my wedding, and wrote a wonderful ceremony for a handfasting for my mom and dad's 25th anniversary/vow renewal, all completely for free. Andrew asked said family friend to officiate and he accepted. Last night we told Christy and Andrew it's getting closer so they need to meet up with the officiant so he can do an interview. They both asked, "why?". We explained that the officiant was a close family friend, that's why they asked him to do it, and he likes to get a feel for the both of you and your relationship so he can officiate a beautiful ceremony. They don't want that. They just want a general "do you? Do you? You're now married." Okay, that seems to defeat the purpose of a personal family friend performing it but if that's what they want. Anyway, then we asked what they were going to give the officiant for a gift. They both said nothing. No gift. Why do they need to give him a gift? They're also not paying him as he's doing it for free. At this point my mom and I are afraid to hear more. But we need to know what's going on. So after the ceremony, their plan is to go to a wedding luncheon. With the wedding party only. That would include his parents, her parents, me and the hubby, her bridesmaids, his groomsmen, and the flower girls/ring bearer. This would exclude the officiant and all the other guests, including her brothers and sisters, as well as my sister and brother. At this point, all other guests would be told to go get lunch, and I quote, "wherever" and we'll meet back here in a couple hours. At this "wedding luncheon", at a reastaurant in the next town over that's about 20 minutes away, we are all supposed to foot our own bill. Then we drive back and we, as in my family (including the ones not invited to the luncheon), set up the decor and everything else for the reception because Andrew and Christy will be "getting ready". After we get everything taken care of, there will be cake cutting and dancing. And then "the end" on the wedding. No food, snacks, nibbles, cocktails, nothing like that will be provided during the course of this wedding. Andrew also dropped the bomb that my grandmother, my father's mom, would not be invited because she didn't remember who Christy was at my daughter's first birthday last month. The back story on that? Let's start with the fact that she's 80. Then let's go on to the fact that that she's met Christy once and only once, almost 2 years ago. Lastly, my grandma had 9 kids. Those 9 kids married. They all had a minimum of 4 children. Many of those children are now married and have children. My grandmother has over 65 grandchildren (I don't even know the exact #, I stopped keeping track years ago), about 10 of which have recently or are about to get married. She's 80. She has a hard enough time keeping track of how many people are in her family, nevermind what their names are. It was absolutely nothing personal that she didn't know Christy's name. She just forgot, it has been 2 years for chrissake! So despite her being the only living grandparent we have left, and despite her driving the hour here to make it to Andrews school performances and sending birthday cards every year without fail to her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren (Andrew included), she's now not to be invited. I know this is ranty but all this plain, bald faced rudeness is flooring me and I don't know how to handle it. My dad, once we told him his mom wouldn't be invited, was not only hurt but angry. He said he will not go if his mom is not invited. Andrew is insisting on not inviting any of the others from that side of the family, and with such high numbers I can understand, but at least inviting grandma would be polite, not to mention loving. My sister, my mom, and I put together a wedding planning book for them ages ago and gave it to them. It had tips for a small budget, etiquette, timelines, checklists, and a breakdown of what a basic wedding should have. We got info from multiple sources and spent the time collecting and printing it, but it's completely obvious they haven't looked at it at all. It's like they want this big and beautiful wedding, but they pick out anything that costs them money or means they have to work. Gifts for people who do us favors? NAH. Big princess wedding dress? Check! Supplying food and refreshment of some kind? Meh, they can go get taco bell or something. Exquisite floor length gowns with exact matching specified cut and color for wedding party? Check! Paying for said gowns? Nah, too expensive for us, I'm sure everyone else can afford it. Am I being over the top? Is it just me? Or is this really ridiculous wedding behavior? I've been to maybe 6 weddings in my life, attended in 3, fully planned 1, and have helped plan another. I am all for modern weddings where you throw the whole "brides family pays for this, grooms family pays for that" out the window, but typically that cost shouldn't rest on your wedding party, guests, and pretty much anyone that isn't you. How do I explain to them the things that won't fly? I'm not freezing my infant because they're stubborn and I'm certainly not going to pay for tux, baby dress, makeup, dinner for me and my hubby, AND play pack mule to set up and take down their entire reception center. I don't care who you are, it's ridiculous and asking too much. Not that they asked if we would set up - they told us we would. I don't want to "ruin" their day; I want it to go well, I want everyone to enjoy themselves, but I can't force them to plan better. That's on them. So my question is how to handle it? Christy is super sensitive and takes literally any criticism as a personal attack so I want to go delicately here. Also, Christy and I work together so achieving peace here is very important. EDIT: Fixed wedding date to 4/25, not 4/20. Tl;dr: My brothers wedding plans lack tact and etiquette and is costing my small family a hefty sum. I could handle that if they didn't also expect us to do 100% of the footwork to set up and take down their wedding. They're stepping on toes left and right. How do I tell them they're asking (and telling) way too much? MINI UPDATE: I sincerely appreciate all if you taking the time to weigh in and offer advice! Just knowing that I'm not the only one thinking this is rude and crazy helps. After talking to my parents and showing them this thread, they decided to talk to Andrew this weekend about a select few things: They should put that they're not serving any food or refreshment on the invite so people know they won't be fed, as this isn't typical for a wedding. Grandma really should be invited. The officiant, since he is and old friend and is doing it for free, needs a gift. As for me, I'm going to set some boundaries with this wedding, mainly with what I will and won't do and how my daughter will be kept warm during the wedding. I will post a real update on the convo with my brother after it happens. Thanks again everyone! Update 1 Nov 14, 2014 (4 days later) So Christy actually texted my mom in a panic on Tuesday night because her mom had added some names she didn't know to the guest list of her side of the family. My mom just told her that she could help her and had her come over to talk. Christy brought over her wedding planning book and sat down with me and my mom. My mom asked her about the wedding plans, confirming that they intended to have no meal, that all the wedding party would pay for their own meal, etc. Christy confirmed. My mom, the Saint of Offering Constructive Criticism In The Nicest Way Possible, said to Christy, "I worry about this plan potentially hurting feelings, on your family's side as well. Do you mind if I explain way I think that?" Christy was pretty receptive. She said she didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt and asked what was offensive. My mom posed this rhetorical situation (I guess she got this idea from my sister): "Okay Christy. Imagine your parents invited you over for Christmas. You drive the 3 hours to their house, you dress in your best Christmas sweater, and you show up with gifts. Everyone is happy to see you and you hug and visit for a while. Your parents and some of your family then tell you that they are going to dinner. You can't come, but you can go to McDonald's or something. They let you know they'll be back in about 2 hours, so just hang out in the yard or...wherever. When they get back, they let you back in the house so you can watch them eat the Christmas cookies they made for themselves, open only their presents, and play some Christmas music. Once that's all done, they say, "Thanks for coming, see you next year!" And boot you out the door. Would your feelings be hurt?" My mom is a funny and lighthearted story teller so at this point, Christy had laughed a couple times, with a kind of sad note in there, and also said ,"ohhh" several times as well. Christy spoke up and said she absolutely understood how that related to their current wedding plans. Seriously, it was like until that moment, she could see literally nothing wrong with their plans. She explained that they pretty much only had the budget of the $2000 her parents were giving her to work with and she was afraid a meal would cost too much. She also expressed frustration that Andrew didn't really help with the planning, he just kept saying, "Whatever you want" when she asked for his opinion. My mom and I explained that Andrew probably just wanted the day just the way she wants it because it's always stressed that it's the bride's day. We gave her some tips for engaging Andrew to really get his input. At this point, she had really broken down and we were able to see her a little more for what she is: a young and naive 21 year old girl (granted, with a bit of a passive aggression issue) in waaaay over her head running on little to no help with an event she has NO idea how to plan. After chit chatting a little bit, we talked about different ways to pull off an affordable wedding. We pitched ideas, and she either said she loved it, she'd think about it, or no. She liked the idea of having a small ceremony with the 50 people they really wanted to be there, after which there would be a luncheon (provided by them this time). After that would be the reception, where the guests her mom added and anyone else that wasn't really close to them could come to celebrate. There would be a light refreshment for that. She is really not concerned about what the luncheon is but would like it to be as low cost as possible (but not tacky either). My mom, my sister, Christy, and I are going to brainstorm in the next few weeks and look at prices to see what we can find within their budget, then we'll all get together and let Christy (and Andrew if he decides to join) decide which ideas she likes best for both the luncheon and the reception refreshment. Oh, and as for Grandma, when Christy handed over the guest list from Andrew, she was on there at the bottom. We hadn't talked about it but he must've realized that Grandma deserved to be at his wedding. On my part, I mentioned to Christy I was worried about my little one in inclement weather and she said they had decided they would plan on doing the ceremony indoors because it was likely the weather would be bad. She still wants to reserve the gazebo just in case it's nice but she seems much more realistic about the weather situation now. I'm also going to buy grocery store makeup for her makeup for the wedding (nice stuff but not too pricey). And I've let her know that my hands will be full with the baby so take down and setup of decor and such will be next to impossible for me. Both my mother and I suggested requesting the help of their bridal party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) to help with the things that needed done the day of. She said she was sure that they would be willing to help but that she'd ask. Many of them are young, single, and childless so hopefully they'll be more able to help out. She also was asking about a bridal shower. One of her sisters had already volunteered to throw the doe party but no one in her family had made mention or offered to throw her a bridal shower, so my mom and I are talking about doing that. When I was (almost) married, I had 2 bridal showers and people were offering to throw one for me left and right. I feel badly that her family is not doing that. All in all, I feel much more comfortable with what I've agreed to do for them, and I'm happy that we were able to help Christy. In the original thread /u/halfascoolashansolo mentioned that all their plans had been met with negativity. I think this caused them, especially Christy, to shut down and just say "screw everybody, this is our day!" Really, they just don't know how to plan a wedding and we all could see that. Rather than seeing that we wanted to help, I think they just heard the negativity of it. Sitting Christy down and explaining that we had some ideas that we thought could help, and that we in no way wanted to force her to do anything she didn't like, well it helped a lot. We let her know that she should say no if she hated an idea or if she felt we were getting too involved. We still think they need to plan their own wedding, but we've also become more approachable for help in this regard too. No, we're not going to plan the wedding, but if they're stumped on something or want input, we've offered to help if we can. We'll see as time goes on whether they stick with it or if they fall back into the "we don't care about anyone else" mode. I still feel that they have a lot of growing up to do, and hopefully they can do it together and build a lasting relationship for the rest of their lives. TLDR Talked to Christy about wedding plans, turns out she's just overwhelmed and has no idea what she's doing. She's now more open for input, trying to get Andrew involved in planning, and is more aware of what I am and am not willing to do for her wedding. Grandma is back on the guest list. Still worried about their immaturity but wishing the best for them. An overall positive outcome...for now. Update 2 Feb 24, 2015 (4 months later) So much has happened in these past 2 weeks! Last Sunday, Christy told Andrew she wanted to come over and talk with him and my mom. Andrew assumed it was about wedding stuff because they were getting only a couple months away from the wedding and they had not really done anything. So they get here and go to talk in private with my mom. I was playing with the baby in the front room and I could hear yelling and arguing coming from the back room they were in. I was worried they were having a brawl back there but just figured they'd work out whatever the hell was going on. Well, they both left and my mom fills me in. Christy didn't want to talk wedding. She brought Andrew over to tell him, in front of my mom with no prior warning, that she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry him anymore. She wrote a list of 4 things to show my mom that Andrew is doing or has done wrong that she thought couldn't be resolved. My mom told her to keep her list to herself and that they needed to go to couples counseling. At this point, Andrew got really upset because he had tried already to go to couples counseling with her 6 months ago and she didn't like it because, "it was awkward and I hate taking responsibility for stuff; I'd rather just blame someone else". (For the record that is not a joke or exaggeration, she literally said that out loud and didn't see a problem with it). Andrew also blew up because I guess when he had proposed to her, she had been hinting at it and pushing for it. He basically asked her why she wanted him to ask her just so she could break it off two months before. Anyway, I obviously knew they were having issues and just kept my space. Even though Christy seemed to be trying to pull my mom into it, my mom agreed it was their business and told them to get into therapy asap if they wanted to stay together. My brother gets counseling free through work so they went to 1 session last week. I don't know how that went, I didn't ask. Oh, I forgot to mention! The Thursday before Christy called off the wedding, she went on an all day hike alone with an "old friend". He had been out of state for the past 2 years (mormon missionary) and she wanted to catch up. They spent the whole day together in the mountains alone and she posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. It actually pissed off almost everyone close to her, even her sister who thinks she does no wrong, because she's been vocal in the past about how opposed she is to Andrew even talking to a member of the opposite sex. She would literally yell at him and harass him about talking to old friends who just happened to be female or mentioning that he saw a friend in the grocery store and said hi. But no, it's okay for her to spend a whole day in the mountains with a dude. I bitched to my sister but said nothing, until that Saturday (valentine's). I asked Andrew what his plans were for the night and he said, "oh, Christy and her friend and I are going to dinner!" Um, friend? He says, "yeah, Zack, he just got back from a mission." So same guy. I asked him if he was okay sharing his valentine's day dinner with another guy and he basically said yeah, they're friends so I want to meet him and he wants to meet me! I was shocked really but Andrew is trusting of her so he's never been possessive like she's been with him. Next morning, Christy isn't sure if she wants to marry Andrew anymore. I work with Christy for those who don't remember and the next day she's telling people that her and Andrew haven't broken up...yet. That it's just the wedding...for now. The day after that, she chopped all of her hair off in this really strange and unflattering hair cut. Again, this is a thing she would get after Andrew for. He's always enjoyed putting bright colors in his hair and he wanted to be daring and do his whole head a muted navy blue. She told him no. But then it's okay for her to go chop her hair to an inch long in the back and maybe 3 inches in the front. The day after that was the therapy session. Andrew seemed optimistic. That weekend (this past one), Christy mentions at work that she is going to visit her mom for the weekend. Her mom has always disliked Andrew and I figured her mom would talk her out of the relationship permanently but my brother was so tortured at this point that I thought that might be for the best. Cue this morning. I asked Christy at work how her weekend went and she says, "Not good. Andrew and I broke up." I just said I was sorry about that and went back to work because I was NOT expecting that response and didn't know what on earth to say to that. I had no idea that they broke up so i was then worried about how my brother was doing. She then goes on to say this massive paragraph: But the rest of the weekend was okay! Me and Zack hung out until way late Saturday night just talking. He had his homecoming in the morning. He's the only person that really knows what's going on with me and Andrew. He was really nice and just listened to me. We were laughing because I found a grey hair in his hair and he was totally freaking out! Then we went to the homecoming in the morning of course. I only went for the main meeting so then I went to his house and waited for him to get home from church, which was awkward cut it was only his aunt and grandma there! But then we had the luncheon afterward and whatever and it was fun. I was tired when I got home so I took a nap. At this point my work friend, Alisha is just staring at me, waiting for my response. She looked at me like I was a grenade with the pin out. I couldn't even gather a thought or sentence to say so Alisha pipes in and says, "I thought you were visiting your family this weekend?" C -"I was! That's who I stayed with." A -"Well, did you even spend time with your family?" C -"Um...well...I did talk with my mom on Saturday and stuff." A -"But mainly it was about Zacks home thingy?" C - "Well yeah." Christy continued to babble about various things, like now she was going to head to California because her friend had offered to fly her out there but she couldn't go before because Andrew couldn't afford the airfare to go too. She was just so damn happy it made me sick. When her sister arrived at work (yeah, I work with TWO of these bitches) they talked about Christy moving in with her sister and when and how and all that jazz. I stepped out to call my mom and she told me immediately that she was helping Andrew move his stuff out of the apartment as we spoke. I told her to do it fast before Andrew changed his mind. My mom packed up all the wedding stuff Christy had not been coming over to work on and dropped it at our work once she'd finished helping Andrew. Like she literally dropped the box and shoved it towards Christy with her foot. I think my mom did NOT appreciate Christys cheery, OMG HI! that she had used when my mom walked in the door. My mom was taking my sick little girl to the doc since I couldn't get time off work so she came for the insurance card and left after. Christy and her sister went in the back room and tittered for a while after the unceremonious drop off from my mom. How she's a horrible person and all that I'm sure. I somehow remained calm through all this. I mean, I'm at work. This is personal shit and I didn't want to talk about it in a professional place. But also, I'm so fucking relieved. Christy is messed up. Her whole family has narcissism issues and I'm so glad my brother doesn't have to tolerate her constant criticism, gas lighting, and verbal abuse anymore. He's now back home and he is doing so well considering how fresh this all is. He told me he realized last week that it probably was over but he wanted to give the therapy a shot. I think he also wised up about Zack. Near the end of my shift, I went to the bathroom. Thinking that urination somehow rendered me deaf while only being feet away, I heard Christy complaining that Andrew had just texted her and said, "so were you really staying with your parents? Or with someone else?" She was denying doing anything physical with this guy but did admit she'd been spending all her time with him lately. She definitely lost her fucking weird peppy attitude after that text. I think because you can't play "poor me!" when you're guilty of carrying on an emotional relationship with another person. Anyway, writing it all out gives me a peaceful feeling. I am so heart broken for Andrew, but he dodged a bullet. He wants to continue pursuing personal therapy through work so he can resolve the problems he felt he had in their relationship, thus avoiding them in a future relationship. I no longer have to tolerate a toxic person in my personal life, though I do have to tolerate her and her borderline demonic sister at work. However, I feel I can handle this by simply reminding them to keep their personal shit home and be professional at work. I'm pretty sure I can handle it if they start being disrespectful towards him or my family at work. Tl;dr THEY ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED AND THEY BROKE UP, THANK THE FUCKING GODS! Edit: Accidentally used a real name. Don't particularly care if she sees this anymore but for the sake of non-confusion, I fixed it. Edit 2: I completely forgot that the guys name in that whole blackmail for kisses was Zack. What makes this even more hilarious is that Zack is the ONLY name I did not change, ha ha! THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
|
reddit.com |
Direct-Caterpillar77 |
Jan 16, 2026 |