House Shoes For Women

Long ass rant from an ADHD yapper™ girlie so feel free to skip but: Some days, I’ll be sitting alone at a bar on a random Tuesday, leave a huge tip, and just laugh to myself thinking about how impossible my life would have sounded to 18-year-old me. I grew up in a conservative Muslim family, and my brothers and I lived by completely different rules. They could go out wherever they wanted, stay out all night, date, have sex, party, disappear for hours or even days, and nobody cared. Meanwhile, I had a 4:30 PM curfew from the age of 11 until I got kicked out at 18. It didn’t matter if it was a school activity, a birthday party, a rehearsal, or literally anything else. If it ended after 4:30, I wasn’t going. I was expected to clean the house, including my brothers’ rooms, do laundry, help make meals, serve the men first, clear the table, do the dishes, and clean the kitchen afterwards. My brothers and father would finish eating, get up, and walk away. The women took care of everything else. Whenever I pointed out how unfair it was, I got the same answer every time: you’re a woman. Stop comparing yourself to men. Men and women have different roles. If I pushed too hard, things could get ugly, and by the time I left home, I’d been hospitalized multiple times. I’ve had multiple concussions, broken bones, stitches, broke my nose three times, and other injuries which I am still suffering from to this day. This is because the only time my family would take me to the hospital was if I lost consciousness. Other than that, the scars they’d leave on me would just get infected, which still affects me today. When I did need to be driven to the hospital, my mother would drive me there and then would threaten me that unless I told the doctors that I’d fallen in the shower, they would do so much worse to me once I got back home. So that’s what I always said. Every time, it was : - I fell in the shower. - I fell down the stairs. - I tripped. Looking back, the strangest part is how normal all of it felt. Nobody around me seemed shocked by any of it. It was just understood that girls had rules and boys had freedom. My parents didn’t care much about my education either. Their plan for me was simple: finish high school, get married, have kids. Meanwhile, I loved school and always wanted more than the life that had been planned for me. From ages 11 to 18, I was terrified of ending up married to a man. I used to lie awake at night and cry myself to sleep because I genuinely believed it was going to happen eventually and there was nothing I could do about it. I thought my life had already been decided for me. If you’re a queer Muslim girl reading this and feeling that same fear, please believe me when I say it doesn’t have to happen. I spent years convinced I’d never get to live openly, never get to fall in love, and never get to build a life that actually felt like mine. But I was sooo wrong. Since then, I’ve had girlfriends. I’ve fallen in love. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve gone on trips with women, spoiled them, spent lazy Sundays together, shared living spaces, made memories, and experienced all the ordinary things that once felt completely impossible. The future I was terrified of never happened. And tbh, it wasn’t just my family… I know we say “not all Muslim families,” and I agree, maybe not all. But I grew up in Muslim communities in the US, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Indonesia, France, and Canada. The vast majority of women I knew lived under rules their brothers never had to follow. Every queer Muslim woman I know has a story. A lot of women stay in these conservative communities because leaving is terrifying. You don’t just risk losing your family. You risk losing your community, your support system, your financial security, and sometimes every person you’ve ever known. And I 100% understand why so many stay. When my parents found out I was a lesbian, I got kicked out at 18, which was a curse but also kind of a blessing otherwise I would still be living a complete lie. I only had a debit account with around $30 to my name. For the next few years I survived however I could. I slept in parks, under bridges, on couches, wherever I could find somewhere safe enough to spend the night. I also did some SW to survive which I still stress about people finding out to this day. I’m still not entirely sure how I made it through those years. At 21, I got into law school. I paid for it with scholarships, loans, even worked full time, and eventually I landed a job in Big Law. Today I’m financially independent. After paying my bills, I still have money left over every month to save, invest, travel, or help people. And truly, helping people has become my favorite part. I don’t want children, don’t care about home ownership that much (my rent is less than 15% of my monthly income since ive been living in the same shithole studio apt since moving out of uni lmao), and have way more than enough (monthly investments + salary + bonuses included) to live comfortably. So I’m not saying this to brag (and reddit is anonymous so who tf cares anyway) but any money I don’t invest (so around 2-3k a month) gets donated, whether that be through tips, charity donations, helping friends and family, etc. For example, a friend once owed about $10,000 in tax debt and interest kept piling up. I had the money, so I lent it to them and told them to pay me back whenever they could, interest free. I’ve paid for strangers’ meals. I’ve covered Ubers. I’ve left tips that made people cry. One night I was sitting in a sports bar and noticed the staff would always give food or water to homeless people who came in asking for help. Then later, I overheard one of the employees worrying about how she was going to get around while her car was being repaired. And it truly fucking hit something in my soul because these weren’t wealthy people helping others. They were people who were struggling themselves. Before I left, I tipped the bar $1,000. The staff thought I’d made a mistake and kept trying to reverse the transaction. I hadn’t made a mistake. I just wanted them to know someone had noticed. Also, the older I get, the more I realize that the best thing money ever gave me wasn’t luxury, but rather something that as a lesbian woman growing up in a muslim household I never thought I’d get to have: complete freedom. Financial freedom and never having to depend on anyone. Freedom to feel safe from the men in my family who feel hartred towards me solely due to the fact that I am an independant woman who gets to live life freely while also earning more than them. Freedom to travel where I want. Freedom to love women openly. Freedom to make my own decisions. Freedom to help people whenever I want. Freedom to never again need permission from my father, my brothers, a husband, or a mahram to live my life. Growing up, I was told my purpose was to become someone’s wife. Today, I am a lawyer making more than six figures annually and I am in the top 3-5% of earners in the US. For this, I am so grateful for education : it gave me a way out, which is why, based on my personal experience, that I will never buy into people saying education is useless. So if you’re a queer Muslim girl reading this from your bedroom (or coming from any ultra conservative religions/cults) and feeling trapped and convinced your life has already been decided for you, please don’t give up. I was in your exact same shoes not too long ago. Focus on your education, if you can (obviously this isn’t the case for everyone) I know how impossible it feels when you’re in the middle of it. But I promise that there is a life on the other side. Lastly, if you are currently in this situation or have been in the past, feel free to hit my DMs. Will be more than glad to discuss our experiences and help however I can. Food: seafood lingune and lasagna which I enjoyed with my lovely GF💕from one of the best restaurants in Rome which I got to travel to thanks to my amazing job!! —————— Edit: Also, I would like to point out that more than 12 years ago, at 18, freshly kicked out, I made a reddit post (i dont remember on which subreddit it was) about my situation asking for help/advice. A kind redditor who had gone through the same thing reached out to me and actually paid for me to stay at a hotel for 2 nights until I figured my shit out. I was broke so I didn’t end up figuring anything out, but I am so grateful for that person and their selfless act. I felt so safe for these two nights which meant the world to me. Wish I could reach out to thank them again, but it was from my old and now deleted account so I have no way to find them, but wherever you are, I hope you know how much your selfless actions meant to me and how much it inspired me to this day. Edit #2: Thank you so much for all the love ❤️ I wrote this last night while walking home from the bar, slightly tipsy and feeling ridiculously grateful. It just suddenly hit me how far I’ve come, and I felt like sharing. And for the people wondering, I am not religious and have been an atheist since I was like 14-15 yo. Edit #3: I’ve been getting comments saying the photo is AI-generated and I was out here vigorously defending it 😭 I asked my girlfriend to remove her hand tattoos because they’re very distinctive and I didn’t want to dox her identity. Since she’s literally a GRAPHIC DESIGNER!!! I assumed she’d just use Photoshop. She has since informed me that she was feeling lazy and just ran the photo through AI instead 💀 Anyway, I’ve posted the original non-AI version in the comments below submitted by /u/Suspicious_Ocelot445 to r/GirlDinnerDiaries [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayfakeinsta Me [29 M] with my wife [27 F] of 4 years, just found she has a fake instagram and is following my exes? Original Post Nov 29, 2014 Hi reddit. My wife, Claire, and I have been married for four years. We have been together for a total of seven years. During this time, nothing like this has ever happened. She is honestly the most drama-free person I know. We have rarely ever argued during our time together, and she is very mature when conflict arises and will come talk to me about the situation calmly. She has also never been outwardly jealous or bitchy when it has come to other girls in my life, including exes. Before Claire, I had had 3 "serious" girlfriends. The most serious of the 3, was a girl I dated when I was 16 named Hannah. I was just a teenager and I thought I was in love, so it was a very dramatic relationship with all those hormones thrown into the mix. I was very cut up when she left me for another guy, but eventually I got over it. We were in contact for a while through facebook (she is now married, with children), and it was nothing more than a hi and bye sort of thing. I eventually removed her because we simply did not talk anymore. The other two were nothing special, just girls I dated and it didn't work out. I have always told Claire the truth, and was very open with her about my past, especially about Hannah because that had been my longest and most emotionally involved relationship prior to Claire. Claire has never exhibited any crazy, jealous behavior. She asked normal questions regarding Hannah, what had happened, etc, but nothing at all that would ring any alarms. She never seemed to be upset at all when we discussed the past, and she never brought it up beyond our conversations. This whole thing is so out of left field and so very unlike her that I am extremely confused and shocked. We both have instagrams and sometimes we will take a selfie on the other person's instagram (if they've gone to the bathroom and left their phone) with a weird face or something and tag it as #clairewashere or #mikewashere. Today we were just lounging around having a lazy Saturday, watching tv. She went to go take a shower and left her phone on the coffee table. So I go to take a silly selfie and tag it when I notice her instagram looks really weird. Instead her pictures, it was pictures of someone else, and the name "Cecilia" was in the description box. The username was different, and this account had about 10 followers, as opposed to the 65 people they were following. I clicked to see who they were following and I was stunned to see my three exes plus other girls who are friends/co-workers with me on the list. The more I scrolled through the followers, the more girls I knew/know popped up. Girls I'd been to school with, girls I worked/work with, my exes, Hannah's HUSBAND even. I quickly put her phone back and when she came out of the shower I acted as nothing was wrong, because I honestly have no idea what the hell to even say. Is she keeping tabs on my exes/women i know? Does she have other fake accounts where she checks what they post? And more importantly WHY??? Why would she do this?? I can't understand it. Is she looking for contact between us or inappropriate posts or what? Please help me, reddit. I am a bad liar and can't keep this bottled in for much longer. Eventually she will know something is up and I need to figure out how to talk to her about this. I just feel so blindsided, this is honestly the last thing I would expect from her. How should I approach this so she won't freak out? TL;DR: Wife has a fake instagram account and is following my exes + other women who have been in my life. She has never exhibited jealous behavior and I am completely blown off course by this. RELEVANT COMMENTS ladyxdi This just sounds like some insecurity issue. You probably told her about how you thought Hannah was the love of your life and that you'd never find anyone better but then you grew up and stopped being a teenager. However, there's probably some idea in the back of her head that you think of Hannah as the one that got away. OOP You may be right :/ I did tell her that I was very upset by the breakup and I thought I loved her, but like you said, I grew up. I was 16 ffs, didn't even know what love was. When I approach her I will definitely address that though and let her know Hannah was definitely not "the one who got away". Thank you for pointing that out Update 1 Nov 30, 2014 (Next Day) First, thank you to everyone for your comments and advice, especially to those of you who admitted doing similar things before. It really did help me when thinking of what to say to her. Today I decided to approach her when we were calm and relaxed after breakfast. The conversation went like this: Me: Hey can I ask you something? Claire: Yea, of course. Me: Who's Cecilia? Claire: (tenses up) Hmm? Me: I was going to take a selfie on your instagram last night when you went to shower and I noticed it wasn't logged into your instagram. It was some other account, a woman named Cecilia? Claire: Oh. Me: Oh? She went quiet for a long minute or two and wouldn't look at me. I reached over and touched her hand lightly and told her that I wasn't upset, I just wanted to know what was going on and wanted her to explain. Basically she told me this: She had always sort of resented my exes, Hannah especially, since I had told her about them. It wasn't about if we were in secret contact with each other, more like she was curious about them. She wanted to see what I had seen in them and she couldn't make a fake facebook profile because people can sniff those out instantly and would just delete her or not accept her friend request. She told me instagram was ideal because strangers follow each other all the time and people are "follower whores" and just accept anyone if they are on private. She told me she people tend to post more of their life on instagram anyway because its so quick to upload a picture. She wanted to glimpse into their lives and see if they were really that extraordinary. I told her I could understand the morbid curiosity of checking out an ex of mine, but why were there normal girls from my life on there too? She told me (rather reluctantly) that she had some bottled up jealousies about them, especially one girl who I work with who is in a band and whos music I thought was okay. She said that she couldn't compete with some of these girl's talents, because she didn't have them, and what started as a small curiosity became an obsession with them and what they do. After she told me all of this, a lot of little things started to click. Claire had begun to point things out in stores and ask me if I liked them, even though they were very far from anything she'd like (furniture, clothing, etc). She had seen exes/girls post these things on their instagrams and was actually checking to see if I was compatible with their tastes. She also used to like indie bands a lot, but ever since getting to know about the girl at work whos in a band, she has completely dropped the genre and began to bash it a little if a song would come on the radio. She has also asked me about seemingly innocent things like a different hair style or color, or even what I would think about certain tattoos (one ex of mine has a full sleeve). These things were very un-Claire (she has this super clean fashionista look/style), but I really just assumed she was trying to branch out or something. Never in a million years would I have guessed it was because she was checking out my exes on instagram. I told her that I understood her curiosity, but that it wasn't healthy or helpful. She might follow these people on instagram, but she doesn't actually know them. She doesn't know if they are good people, if they are even interesting people beyond what they post. I told her to think about how many really extraordinary people she actually meets, and how likely it is that any of these girls are the super amazing people she thinks they are. I pointed out how easy it is for people to make a fake persona online, using her "Cecilia" as an example. I told her Hannah was just a girl I had dated as a teenager, and I grew up and realized what real love was. She was nodding a lot and agreeing with me and the conversation seemed to be going well. Then I asked her to delete the account and she sort of just froze up. She said what did it matter, she wasn't contacting them or harassing them, she was just looking at their pictures. I told her she was fueling an assumption she had about them and that it wasn't healthy to continue to obsess over them. She got angry that I used the word "obsess" and asked me if I thought she was crazy as well. "Is that what you think? That I'm just some crazy obsessed person? Because, you know what I think is crazy? It's crazy to have been in love with someone who cheated on you, and you went after her after she did it. And she continued to cheat on you. And you still went after her. I don't think you'd ever go after me. You've told me that. You've said cheating was a dealbreaker and that would be it. But it wasn't for Hannah. You cried, you went after her. So that means she had something I don't. And yea, maybe it's a little out there with the account and all, but it's the only way I can know for sure. Honestly Mike, I don't even know what you saw in her. Was it the bad taste in furniture or the brand name obsession? But hey. I'm the crazy one right. I'm obsessed. " Woooooaaa. I just sort of sat there open-mouthed at that whole thing and she got up to leave. She said she was very sorry but she couldn't be in this conversation right now and she would come back when she was ready to be level-headed. That was about 2 hours ago and she's still not home. Honestly not sure where to go from here. We have always been able to work out our differences, and she has never quite just exploded on me like that before, so I know this issue is very different from anything we've experienced before. I would really like if she deleted her account and would stop ruminating about these women who have no bearing on our lives anymore, but obviously just touching the subject of it is too much for her right now. Any advice on what to say to her when she's back would be great. tl;dr: Confronted wife on the situation, seemed to be going well until I asked her to delete the account. She blew up about my "serious" ex and left the house. Update 2 Nov 30, 2014 (Later the same day as update 1) First of all, I want to say a million thanks to everyone who commented. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and those who shared their own experiences with this sort of thing. I want to especially thank those of you who told me about your experience being in my wife's shoes. It has helped immensely to know that this seems to be a much more common issue than I had initially believed. Claire came home around 4 and approached me to talk. She apologized for blowing up, for the account, for lying, and for walking out on our argument like that. She acknowledged that she was in the wrong and that she knew her actions were immature. We sat down and talked for a long time about all the things she had been bottling up. It turns out (like many of you guys mentioned in the comments) that she had this idealized view of what my relationship was like with Hannah. I took your advice and explained to her that I was a stupid teen and Hannah was certainly not "the one that got away". I had chased her back then because I had little self respect. She accepted that but she still looked like she was bottling something so I told her to speak freely. From what she said, I can say this. Sometimes when we speak about our exes, we forget that the other person hasn't been in our shoes. They don't realize who this person was as we did. So there were a lot of little things she grabbed onto that I had told her. For example, I told her how when I was with Hannah I would sleep on a park bench outside her house whenever her dad kicked me out because he didn't want some guy staying overnight. She held on to that and she told me that it was a little sad to her, because she felt that spoke a lot about the extent I was willing to go for Hannah. Of course, we have never been in a situation that would warrant me doing that for Claire, so she has no idea if I'd do that for her or not (I would). But again, I was a teenage boy and my family life wasn't so great, so sleeping on a bench in a coat outside my girlfriend's house wasn't such a big deal to me. We spoke about the other exes and women on the list, and went through each one and why she felt the way she did. It was a looong long conversation. But it was also very enlightening. There were a lot of things I told her that I had forgotten about, but clearly she had not. Almost every time it came down to her feeling like they had something she did not, or that I had shared an experience with them that we could not share (going on a trip together, being with me when I had major reconstructive surgery, being with me when my brother died). I told her I loved her very much, and that obviously none of these girls had cut it because it was Claire I was married to. And then she said "Yea but...I feel that if Hannah had never cheated on you...that would've been who you married." And looked extremely sad while saying it. I told her honestly that we could never know for sure because things did not turn out that way, but that most likely not. I would have eventually grown up and gotten over the "wow" of Hannah and moved on with my life. After all this talking, she logged into the instagram and let me watch her delete the account. She promised me to stop insta-stalking and that she would try to be up front with me when she felt insecure about someone. I said to her, very carefully, "I understand. And if you ever think that just talking to me isn't helping, or maybe you want a different opinion, we could always do something like couples' therapy so we could all get some perspective on the matter." She took it very well and agreed. I do think perhaps Claire would benefit from therapy, but I feel that is a choice she has to make on her own. I already put the suggestion out there and let her know it's okay if that needs to be an option. Like I've said, she's never been one to be dramatic or cause issue, so this is a very unique situation and I am much more understanding of it now that we talked and I've read so many similar experiences from the comments. Again, I want to thank everyone who helped. You guys are honestly amazing and so much better than a 300 dollar/hr counselor lol. --- tl;dr: Wife came home and we had a very very long discussion. Put the option of therapy out there so she knows its okay to do if she finds it within herself to go. Account was deleted and a lot of loose ends/assumptions were cleared up. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mysterious-Ruin- Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest Previous BoRU [Old New Updates]: I ran from my abusive ex, and I think he found me NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ---- Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: domestic violence, stalking, harassment RECAP Original Post: July 4, 2023 I f (27) ran from my abusive ex when I was 4 months pregnant. I got into a different state. I legally changed my name, and I didn’t name my child the name we had agreed on. He didn’t know my social or my ID number. The only way he had of tracking me down was my name but that was gone, long gone. I had sign into domestic violence safe haven shelters to get into my own place and find a job. I had built a great life for me and my child. I had planned running from him for a little over a year bc it felt like my only way out, he would always find me and drag me back. He made it out to if I don’t take my depression meds I act out and tried to harm myself. The police ended up believing him and became of no help. They brushed off all 4 of my DV calls as simple disagreements. I had saved up just a little over 10k in a bank account my mom had set up to help me get away and come to her so he wouldn’t find out about how much money I really had. My dad helped mostly by putting in a lot more then what I could. He would get suspicious and ask where all my money was going and I would pass it off as bills. In my new town I’ve made very few people aware of my situation, it’s people that could help if something was to happen. These past 2 months I’ve been being watched by someone unknown. He’s always wearing a baseball cap and sun glasses but I could swear on my life it’s my ex. I ended up leaving work a few times due to having panic attacks from seeing the guy. He never interacts with me, only my coworkers. He waits until I’m out of ear shot to speak to order and he gives different names for his orders. My coworkers have thought it was strange bc he comes in almost every other week for a week straight for the past 2 months using different names. After this I went to the police station to speak to one of the people I made friends with and is aware of my situation. He said he would have patrol officers drive by my house and keep a look out. I never seen him around my house or drive by it. I started getting letters in the mail that is from I believe is from him. No one signs them with their name. The envelope only ever has my old name and new address on it. The letters consist of him saying I love you and miss you. It never goes into detail about who is writing them. I took them to the police station to the one I’m friends with. He told me I need to find another place to stay for a while and file for a restraining order. I made a fake account and messaged one of my old friends. They said they was glad to hear from me, they are glad I’m ok, and that he’s been trying to report us as missing which I had already knew. That he’s still there working his old job, but he does go on week long trips and nobody knows where he’s going on them. What’s keeping us from becoming a missing person’s case is my mom. Police had contact her and she told them everything. She showed them proof that I was in fact alive and doing well. She explain why I ran but she said she wouldn’t disclose my location. They ended up contacting me to confirm the story my mom gave them. The police finally after all this time believed me. They asked me if I wanted to come back to file charges or a restraining order. I told them no I want to stay where I’m at and to stay as far as I can from him. Yesterday I had missed my mailman, and he left a slip that I need to sign for a letter. I haven’t order or request anything to have to sign for. I’m not on any government benefits or having any court case going on. I reactivated the fake Facebook and message my old friend again. She said she hasn’t heard anything, but she’ll ask. I keep it active and she messaged me early this morning. She said that there is some talk that he knows where I’m at and he’s thinking about going to court and take me for custody. I asked her if I would get it via mail and would have to sign for it. She said she isn’t sure that’ll I would have to ask the post office. I left the letter there all day yesterday at the post office instead of calling them and going to get it. I don’t think I want to go pick it up. I don’t want to face the possible truth that he has found me. I don’t want to go back to that town. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to relive the nightmare I had finally escape. I don’t know what to do at this point. Edit: I just want to say thank you first for all the kind words and advice you all have gave me. After I made this post I went to work. When I got to work they said a guy came in looking for me, they described my ex. They kept telling him I don’t work there and if he comes back in they’ll have him arrested cause apparently he threw a big fit when they said I don’t work there. I was given permission to leave to seek legal help. I went to my friend that’s a cop and got me in contact with a few lawyers. I had spoken to one and he’s taking my case. He filed stalking, harassment, and domestic violence against him. He has also filed a CPO. They issued a warrant and cops are combing the area to find him. They all have his picture and name, they aren’t going to stop until they have him in custody. I sat and cried bc this has been my life for the pass 4 almost 5 years since I ran that he’s trying to ruin. Where I live they rule in favor of the mother when it comes to domestic violence. Apparently since I left he was with someone that file charges against him for domestic violence and it got dropped. Thank you so for all the kind words and advice, I have appreciated it beyond the words I could say.   Update #1: July 15, 2023 (11 days later) Here is the long awaited update. He was caught that late night/early morning when he ran a stop light heading back home. He was processed and sat in his cell waiting to appear in front of the judge on his warrant for domestic violence which was that following Thursday. When he was arrested and processed they served him the CPO. As he was being processed he obviously got a call. He had called his dad and told him everything. His dad told him he didn’t raise a woman beater, and he wasn’t bailing him out. They also seen he had another warrant that had been issued a few days prior back home. Apparently the girl he was with left him while he was away and pressed domestic violence charges against him as well. I’m not sure what they’ll do with him now that he has charges in 2 different places or how that will work. He had appear in front of the judge on Thursday and said they was holding him on a $100,000 because they considered him dangerous and an extreme flight risk. He sat there until the following Tuesday when he was released to the other police department that they had contacted to let them know. He is now currently up there waiting for his bond to be set. They said he’s most likely not getting one from them but will sit there. He was made to serve 30 days in jail on his warrant back home. Cops had said he probably won’t be let loose pinning both trials due to the circumstances surrounding his case and him being extremely dangerous while being a flight risk. They are going to do their best to keep him in jail until his convictions in both cases. He has CPO issue against him in both. I ask them to keep my name redacted out of everything just in case this breaks to the media. I have purchased a gun, bear spray, and other forms of protection. We have moved and still in contact with the cop that I was friends with. For the first time in a long time I finally feel free, and I can live without fear. Sorry for making you guys wait for an update.   Update #2: July 26, 2023 (11 days later) I heard today that they have found witnesses to his abuse that can account for the other girl’s abuse. Since this came to light he has change his plea in both cases to guilty. They aren’t going to have a trial for either of the cases just a court date for sentencing. I believe he knew he was fucked when witnesses was mentioned. He has gotten sloppy with his abuse the last few years. I hope he rots!   ----NEW UPDATES---- Editor's note: the next two updates are over 1.5 years old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub Final Update: February 4, 2024 (over 6.5 months later) He got 2 counts of felony stalking (me and our daughter), 2 counts of harassment (me and my daughter), 2 counts of domestic violence (me and the other girl), 2 counts of felony assault (me and the other girl), 1 count of endangering a minor (my daughter), and 1 count of resisting arrest. They hit him with everything they legally could. This is what he got for each charge: 2 counts of felony stalking- 2 years (year for each charge) 2 counts of harassment- 4 months (2 months for each charge) 2 counts of domestic violence- 8 months (4 months for each charge) 2 counts of felony assault- 4 years (2 years for each charge) 1 count of child endangerment- 180 days 1 count of resisting arrest- 90 days He’s to serve them consecutively. They didn’t punish him with the max sentence on the felonies cause he pled guilty and waved a trial, just took the sentencing. They wanted this done and over. The sentencing took a little longer bc where it was between 2 states. He’ll serve all his time in one state then transfer to another and serve his time there. Me and my baby has since relocated and thank god every day for the ones that helped. I’m still in contact with the people I knew at my old home. They are glad we are doing well.   Life after I ran from my abusive ex: June 10, 2024 (four months later from the final update) Long time no see ☺️ After the sentencing me and my baby felt relieved. We decided to go out and live a little. We went down to Florida and visit all the beaches we could find. We made a B-line to Disney World. I would’ve spent every penny on this planet cause we finally felt like we was living life. We made our way up to Nashville and showed her my love for country music. After leaving Nashville we went back to my hometown. It was so much to process, we ended up starting therapy when we got there. It’s a long road of healing and we decided to settle here for a little bit, so she gets to know her awesome grandpa (his dad). My parents are flying in, and we are going to go to family therapy. I plan to go back to my home but right now I want to heal the place I got lost in and broke. I feel pulled here to heal, to gather myself, and to find a way to let my past here go. I feel like I won’t be able to move on if I don’t. I’m glad he didn’t affect our child very much. I don’t think my baby had the understanding of what was going on. If I post any more updates I’m not going to give very many details about us to protect our identity. I’m going to go to school so I can work in social services and help women that was in my shoes. I’m going to wait until I’m in a healthier mindset and better mental state. I just wanted to give this final life update because I’m so proud of myself and the life we are now living and pushing through for.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/rulesrulesrules7 Me [25 F] with my boyfriend [25 M] duration 7 months. My boyfriend is very jealous and keeps making "rules" for me to follow TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, infidelity MOOD SPOILER: An amazing ending for OOP Original Post Apr 4, 2015 Hello, everyone. I have a bit of a weird predicament to share with you. I have been dating my boyfriend ("Peter") for about 7 months now. When we get along, we get along spectacularly. Our chemistry is off the charts, we're playful, we're both driven, we have similar interests (same career path, both read for leisure, both interested in exercise). I've been told by many friends that they can just sense how much we care about each other and that we have the same disposition: calm, relaxed, sweet. If not for the following stuff, I would be head over heels for him. Hell, I already am when he's not acting this way. So this stuff started happening about a month in. Peter is an extremely jealous person. He's admitted this to me. He can also be a bit judgmental and conservative. The following is a list of things he's asked me to do for him throughout the course of our relationship. I haven't asked for anything like this in return and I've even asked him if he feels like I've done the same and he's said no: No cursing. No low-cut shirts. No weed (not a big deal, I've smoked < 10 times and was okay with giving this up for him). He prefers me to not get "drunk." Not a big deal, I don't drink a lot, but it kind of sucks that I can never let loose and get tipsy with my friends without a comment from him. No perverted jokes: with him, or anyone else. He says the jokes would be funny if a guy said them but they're not funny when I do it. No using a joking "little kid" voice with friends - even girls. No talking about other guys around him because he thinks I'm trying to make him jealous. No talking about past relationships, even though he does this. No emoticons in texts with other guys. No exclamation points or sounding "too flirty or happy" when talking to guys. Audibly say "goodbye" when we part ways. Verbally greet him, even if I'm late to class. No speaking to male friends on the telephone or texting after 10 pm at night. Text him when I leave my apartment and I'm on the way to school. This isn't a specific rule, but if I don't text him for 3-4 hours during the day, he'll say "Oh, hi there, silent one. What have you been up to?" He likes me to stop by his study space when I get to school, before class, after class, and before I leave at the end of the day. He's stopped by my space less than 10 times in our 7 months together. He asks me if I'm "behaving" when we're not together physically. We've had a bit of a power struggle when I've wanted to go out with my group of friends. There is a structured timetable of how much I'm allowed to talk to my ex. We broke up two years ago and a half and had a year of silence. Recently, we've been speaking on facebook. (He doesn't have my phone number). It's random stuff about our undergraduate. Just friendly stuff, lighthearted. I'm only allowed to talk to him once every three weeks for 10-15 minutes. If he facebooks me and it's been outside those three weeks, I'm not supposed to respond. He still gets mad even when the ex facebooks me. I'm not supposed to "flirt" with members of the opposite sex. I don't. However, he's seen interactions between guys and me and it appears he thinks that anything along the lines of smiling, laughing, or sarcasm are grounds for flirting. He "doesn't like" easily 80% of the guys I interact with on a regular basis. There have been a few incidents that have bothered me in the time we've been together. In the interest of time, the most recent problem he and I have been having is my friend named James. James graduated last year from the program that Peter and I are in together. He's a big brother type to me. He was an assigned TA for the class I was in and I went to a study group he led. We became friends. We've been friends for three years and nothing has ever happened and neither James nor I have ever shown any interest in it. We just have similar political views and give each other dating advice on occasion. James came to visit the school and he and I got together for lunch while he was here. He was here for 3 days and I saw him once for only an hour. Before he visited, we texted back and forth maybe once every ten days. Since he visited, it's been 2-3 times a week, about 10 texts at a time. Nothing outrageous. I imagine it'll start lessening when it's been longer since his visit and exams approach. He's in a new city without a lot of friends and I enjoy talking to him. Because he's working, he usually texts me on Saturday and Sunday more than the work week. James texted me last Saturday morning. I didn't answer so he followed up with a text on Sunday. We chatted briefly about a TV show. Then he texted me again this Saturday to tell me about his date the night before. This has been driving Peter up the wall. He's demanded to see the texts back and forth. Even though I strongly object to this, as I think it's an invasion of privacy only 7 months in, I let him see all the texts. There was nothing inappropriate there (this is where the "no emoticon" rule came from though). However, Peter says that James is a "shark" and is only friends with me because he wants to date me. This is ridiculous because James and I have no feelings towards each other, act more like siblings, and are going to be living in different states for the rest of our lives. Peter causes a fight EVERY time he notices James texting me or gets pouty and silent until I ask him what's wrong, then we fight. About two hours ago, Peter gave me another rule. He wants me to arrange it so James only texts me once a week. No word yet on how many texts I would be "allowed" to exchange with him. He also says he doesn't want us talking about "intimate things." When I asked him what that entailed, he brought up that he was mad that I told James that I was going to take a nap in the last conversation we had. I only told James that as a conversation-ender so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding. Peter just seems unreasonable. I guess, here's the big problem. I feel like Peter gets mad about something, fights with me until I'm worn down, then comes up with a "compromise" which is really just him imposing another rule on me. There was a guy who liked me at the beginning of the year that I eventually just had to block on my phone because Peter got so mad about it. He's asked me twice to show him that the guy is really blocked. He really is. Same thing happened with the ex and I know his end game is me never speaking to the ex again. Peter had a jealousy issue with my friend Rob and wore me down to the point that I basically just avoid Rob now (Rob even approached to ask if I was mad at him and apologize for whatever he did). I just feel like this is going to keep happening over and over. I never get the benefit of the doubt, James is constantly afraid I'm going to be "stolen" and I feel like I teeter-totter between wanting to give him what he asks so he'll feel comfortable and feeling like it will never be enough. I feel like a caged animal. I'm afraid every time James texts me or any guy speaks to me in front of Peter. I like him so much but this jealousy is driving me crazy. I'm also afraid if we're together, I'm going to get to the point where I'm not allowed to be friendly with 50% of the population. I'm in danger of losing a total of 3 good, respectful guy friends, all of which I've known for longer than Peter. (I knew Rob for two years, James for 3, and the ex for nearly 6). I'm not a bad person or a bad girlfriend and I'm tired of being treated this way. We fight at least weekly, sometimes twice a week, over an issue like this. I just want it to stop and to be with the person I fell so hard for. But I also don't want to end up in a controlling relationship with someone who can't manage their jealousy. Any advice? Ever been on his side or mine? He's already going to a counselor but our school only provides one every two weeks and he missed his last appointment. He's open to couple's counseling but I don't know if there's a point 7 months in. Because he missed the last appointment, he hasn't brought up the jealousy thing with his counselor yet. He's willing to read books on this topic but I feel like the problem is that he won't start to get better until he really trusts me and wants to change. He says that he does but then he keeps doing this stuff. tl;dr: Very jealous boyfriend continually gives me "rules." Sample list above (not all of them). Any ideas on how to make him more comfortable? Is this fixable? Have you been on either side of something like this? RELEVANT COMMENTS MeltMyCheeseKThxBai You just presented us with a literal bullet point list of why you need to break the fuck up with him, ASAP. PETER is the shark here. And actually, you're right- this WILL keep happening over and over. Not only will it keep happening, but it will keep escalating. Here is a list for you, and I will call it "Soon." Soon, you will be afraid to walk around while looking anywhere but the ground because you don't want to be accused of purposely making eye contact with someone. Soon, you will compliantly give him access to all of your stuff to placate him and he will peruse your personal stuff regularly; many confrontations will result about your "infractions" and he will spring them on you at inconvenient times. Soon, you will not be allowed to interact or be friendly with anyone who isn't on his approved list; this will eventually include your family. Soon, while you're constantly on eggshells afraid to be accused of cheating, you will find out that he actually cheated on you. Maybe with one of those exes he likes to talk about. Because, you see, these types are so paranoid about cheating because they are cheaters and think everyone else will cheat too. Soon, if you have a job, he will be asking about your coworkers and maybe even show up there for a "surprise inspection". Don't be surprised if soon, additionally, he starts the practice of keeping you up all night fighting and not letting you sleep when he knows you have to work. Soon, you will stop butting heads about you going out with friends. This is because he will make your every attempt so miserable that you will give up to make things "easier". Soon, you will be but a shell of your former self and will wonder who the fuck that is staring at you in the mirror. Soon, he may become violent. He likely won't until he has effectively removed your support systems (friends and family) but eventually he damn near certainly will. I hope that SOON you heed the warnings and get the fuck away from this lunatic before he ruins you. Seriously, you have to get this. This is very, very bad. He will not change no matter how much counseling he gets. You modifying your behavior will NEVER change his. He is fucking dangerous and you need to end it with him NOW before he gets the chance to employ more advanced tactics on you. You are in dire need of these two books; "The Gift of Fear" and "Why Does He Do That?" I beg you, read them. Please seriously get the fuck away from this person. Edit: More stuff coming Soon to a relationship near you (will add as I think of them): Soon, he will call you "slut" and/or "whore" for the first time because "he told you not to wear that shirt". You will get upset. You also will never wear that shirt again. OOP I don't live near my family but there was a time last weekend where I was texting my family about a basketball game. We were cuddling on the couch and he took the phone away and said "Babe, can we just have 'us' time? We've been fighting all day and I just want to be with you." So that might be eminent. We fought today after James texted me about his date last night. I've been sick with a 101+ fever the past two days and cuddling with my childhood stuffed animal. He picked her up and acted like he was going to rip her arm off because he "wanted to scare me" and "see what I would do." I had to stop myself from kicking him. I've had the animal since I was 5 and she's from my dead grandmother. I don't know what I would do if she was broken. When I got her back, I tried to kick Peter out and he wouldn't leave. I ended up throwing his shoes and keys into the hallway and pushing him out the door. He took me out to lunch and then went back to the library. Now he's mad that we're going to bed angry. This was one of the texts I got this afternoon: "I know you don't want to hurt his (meaning James) feelings by telling him to take it easy on texts but you need to consider your boyfriend's feelings about this guy texting you so often every week. What he is doing is crossing my boundary. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings so I get you might not want to tell him flat out to stop texting. There are other ways. The main point is that this is too much and it is crossing a line of mine. I think once a week might be ideal and if we could reach that, it would ease my feelings. I ask that you consider my feelings. In return, I will make sure my jealousy does not lead me to imposing boundaries. You can tell him the truth: that he is crossing my boundaries and I ask that he respects me. I am being reasonable. All of our fights the last few weeks have been about this. If this goes away, then we both win and we can stay together happier." When I asked him what he's ever done in exchange for what I've given up, he said that he went through a phase of criticizing me and he's gotten better. That that was real change. Then he told me that I mean the world to him and he wouldn't go out of his way to try and fix our issues if he didn't care about me and being together for the future. I told him I wanted a break. Update May 1, 2015 (1 month later) Hi, all. Sorry that I dropped off and stopped responding all the sudden. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank you all for the outpouring of support and kindness that you showed me after my original post. I've read every single comment and PM probably 4 times and watched every lecture that was sent my way. I also went and picked up a book two days ago about controlling relationships which was recommended to me by a few redditors. I've read 160 pages so far. Honestly, I'm so turned around in this relationship that I don't know what's happening anymore. I do think that this relationship has some disturbingly manipulative and controlling elements coming from Peter. We've had several incidents in the last four weeks which have been very disheartening. Here are a sample: I went out to happy hour with friends - a guy and girl that are engaged to each other - at 5 pm while Peter studied. I guess he assumed we were eating dinner together because we eat most of our meals together. He didn't confirm that though. He knew where I was going and who I was with. I put my phone away because my friends both had their phone away and it was just us three. My phone was on silent because I had been in the library. I checked my phone every half hour or so. The last time I checked it, he had sent me a text asking about dinner and then a snarky follow up 15 minutes later. I had order an appetizer with my friends and wasn't hungry. I told him to go ahead and eat without me and we'd meet up later. I decided to go back to my friends' house to play with their dog and have another beer. Peter had told me that he was going to study until 10 pm and then wanted to spend the night together. All the sudden, Peter was mad at me for not telling him I was eating, not telling him we switched locations (even though I did, within 10 minutes of switching places) and telling me that he had right as my boyfriend to know where I was. He said I was inconsiderate and selfish. He was texting me every 10-15 minutes, angry at me, and completely ruined the night. I couldn't hide from my friends that I was upset and it was borderline humiliating. I went home by 10 pm but didn't want to see him because I was angry. He didn't apologize until the next day after we talked about it extensively and even then tried to justify it. I feel weird around my friends now that they've seen this. There was another incident when we ran into one of my good friends and I stopped to chat with her. Peter and I had spend the night together, had lunch together, and gone on a walk. I caught up with my friend for 3 minutes and then planned on walking to Peter's study space to chat for a few minutes before going back to my friend to study with her. (Peter likes to say "goodbye" even though we study like 20 ft apart, separated by a wall.) Peter got impatient, felt ignored, and walked off. Then he sent me several texts about how rude and inconsiderate I was by pretending that he wasn't there. That wasn't true at all; I was telling my friend I liked her sweater, asking her how she was, then I was going to exit with Peter to fill my water bottle and say goodbye. This blew up into a 3 hour argument via text. I had my best friend from home visiting last weekend. She stayed with me and drove 18 hours round trip in 4 days just to see me. Peter constantly texted, made passive aggressive comments if I didn't respond quickly enough, and generally was negative about me not giving him enough attention. I pointed all this out, he agreed and told me he would calm down. We all went to a dinner on her last night in town and I thought it went nicely. When Peter got out of the car, my friend made a comment that she was glad to see Peter and I getting along better. 5 minutes later, I got a text from Peter criticizing me, accusing me of not acting like a "couple" with him, acting distant, and not holding his hand. I was shocked. I thought I did a great job with the conversation, he talked for his fair share amount of time, and he got along well with my friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years. He said he hates how I "always do this." I have literally no idea what he's talking about. This wasn't a date. This was the first time he met one of the people who was most important to me and the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like a third wheel. I told him I wasn't going to argue while she was in town but obviously was upset for the rest of the night. He apologized the next day but only after a long conversation. Obviously he didn't make a great impression once my friend saw the aftermath of dinner. Peter and I had a good day on Tuesday. We had fun, were getting along, etc. I came over to his place, took a nap, he went to soccer, and then I ordered us dinner. We ate together and bonded. I checked my phone (I keep it in my backpack now, at his request) and he saw I had a text. He wanted to know who it was from and what it said. I told him it was from James, asking where I was studying this summer (my home state or school state). Peter started lecturing me about getting texts after 10 pm (it was 10:30 where we were, 9:30 where James was). He talked about how it was inappropriate, he wouldn't talk to a girl so late, and asked why James wanted to know where I was. He asked if James was planning on visiting me. James and I have no plans like that whatsoever. Later, I got chapstick out of my backpack and Peter started accusing me of sneaking around to text James back. I wasn't. He asked me three times if that's what I did. I almost left but Peter convinced me to stay. All of the sudden, I felt suspicious. I asked to see his facebook chat log so I could see when he had lasted facebooked his ex that he swears he hasn't spoken to. He refused. I ended up leaving, then coming back and saying if he wouldn't show me the same transparency he's demanded from me, it was over. He still tried to say no. In retrospect, I'm horrified by how angry I felt. I wanted to push him or hit him. I've never, ever felt like that towards another person. It's like I didn't recognize myself. He ended up showing me the log. He had a long conversation with his ex from Christmas Eve, which was laden with inside jokes, flirting, and sexual references. I asked to see his phone. Whole months were missing from his call log but he had two voicemails from her which insinuated they had some contact with each other. He swears that's all there is but almost half his call log is gone. This is something I could forgive in a normal relationship -with remorse and change - but it hurts a lot considering that he's breaking rules he's given me, lied, and been hypocritical. I feel so watched and suffocated over actual guy friends, subjected myself to structured timetables imposed by him, had an open phone policy, and he's off talking about suggestive stuff with his ex. She's blocked him now but that's not the point. He's got me to the point where I feel guilty every time a male friend talks to me and I've actually started believing that I'm doing something wrong if I laugh at a guy friend's joke. I feel sick when my phone goes off if I'm around him. I've been reading literature on controlling/abusive relationships and shared my concerns with him that he's meandering into this territory. He's been dismissive of it almost every time I've brought it up. I've had three friends tell me they're concerned based on the rules and his jealousy. He just says he has high standards and boundaries and that I would be jealous too if the roles were reversed. I don't think I would be but he insists I would. I just feel like he doesn't listen to me or take me seriously. I thought things were getting better, he said I could text James whenever I wanted and he would be less harsh/critical in general. Yesterday though, he asked if I had responded to James and why "that guy" wanted to know where I was and said it was weird James was being so nosy. I think James was just making conversation. Then, last night, I was studying with friends and Peter walked by. Peter and I had just fought (we had been at dinner 10 minutes before) and I was mid-word in conversation with a friend and just made eye contact with him and looked away. I got a text asking why I didn't smile and wave. I apologized and said it was my fault and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I then got more texts saying I was "cold" and demanding an explanation. That got me upset and I tried to tell him that the constant criticism and control was too much. That I felt like he was trying to control my emotions and make me pretend to be happy when I wasn't. He told me I was overreacting and he was tired of arguing and just wanted "to be good and nice." I feel like he starts a fight, expresses his feelings, then wants it to be over, even though the criticism and control is really wearing me down and making me agitated. I just feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to end up giving in and letting him criticize me, letting go of my guy friends, and apologizing when I mess up. That I'll just end up a shell of myself and cater to his needs instead of compromising. But I also don't think he's doing this on purpose. I think he gets insecure and doesn't know how to fix it, so he wants me to do it instead of asking himself if he's overreacting. I think that's how we get all these rules. He's fixing symptoms and not the root cause. I don't think any of this is malicious. I tried to break up with him again two days ago. He begged me to wait until after finals (8 days). Eventually I agreed but said that there would be no sleep overs or physical affection. He agreed but now he's trying to kiss me even when I tell him I don't want to kiss. Then he gets mad I'm not kissing back. He says he knows now that he's being controlling and manipulative and he'll change. But I'm not seeing any change. I just feel so confused as to whether I'm overreacting or not. I can't tell if he's actually being a little abusive and he makes me doubt myself because he doesn't call me names or hurt me physically. He wants to read the book when I'm done with it and says he'll learn from it and wants to stay with me. In 8 day finals are over. In 17 days, I graduate from law school. I just feel so bad about myself and confused. I've always been an empathetic person and emotionally intelligent person (that's usually what I'm "known for" by friends... know how to say the right thing at the right time and see things from other people's perspectives) but I feel so steamrolled. I'm also so embarrassed. I'm supposed to be this strong, capable woman and I can't even tell if my relationship is healthy. Right now, I'm planning on dumping Peter the second his final is over and blocking him on everything. I feel relief when I think about that. But I also feel scared that I'll miss him and that I'm being crazy and unwilling to compromise. That I'm throwing away something good by being dramatic. I keep trying to convince myself, apart from the question of whether he's controlling, that if I'm not happy, I can't stay with Peter. That long distance is too hard. He wants to interview at law firms in my city and plan on how to get back together in a year. I can't do that if I have any doubts and I don't want to spend another day miserable. I HAVE to dump him. I just need to make sure I do. I've already tried multiple times. I can't get talked back into this. This isn't healthy. Sidenote: He knows that I've posted on here but not what my username is and he hasn't seen the original post. It's a possibility he could stumble upon this and he would obviously recognize it because of this level of detail. TL;DR: I feel like a crazy person. I'm doubting my emotions. I know I need to break up with him but I'm so worried I'm being overdramatic and ruining something because I'm unreasonable. I know I need to get out but why am I so reluctant to? Final Update from the "Rules" girl - I did it. May 25, 2015 (24 days after 1st update) I finally did it. Today I took the last step and blocked him on all my accounts (10 minutes ago). We're going no contact. You all were right that he used the time before and immediately after finals to draw me back in. I don't really regret waiting though. I didn't want to be the reason that he ended up messing up all his finals and potentially not getting a job he wanted because of grades. That isn't the person that I want to be and I'm okay with sacrificing a few weeks of my happiness for retaining that part of myself. The following weeks were full of his apologies, assurances that he's changing, etc. But nothing changed. I realized that I didn't even want to wait around to see if he could get better because I don't want to be with him. He's not respectful of me and you can't teach respect. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with me and taking me into consideration when making plans. He wouldn't listen to me, he was dismissive of my concerns, and I just didn't feel valued, supported, or happy when we spoke. When I broke up with him, he said that's what he wanted too because my interactions with men (including James) are "inappropriate" and "not in line with his beliefs." Two months ago that would have really bothered me and I would have gotten reeled back in defending myself but I just said "You know that's not true but I'm not going to fight with you about it. I wish you the best. Goodbye." and then blocked him. I feel a little sad and lonely. It'll be weird to go from nearly constant contact and cutesy text messages to complete and utter silence but I'm hoping the payoff of not having horrible fights multiple times a week will balance that out. The good news: I graduated last week, made honor roll, got the highest award in a competitive class, I'm back in my home state, living with my parents (I adore them and get along well with them), and my bar review class starts tomorrow morning. I'm back to running and lifting multiple times a week and I'm in the process of booking up my social calendar. It'll be hard to stop checking my phone compulsively and sad going to sleep without saying goodnight to him, but I think that I'm in the best circumstances (aka not living one building away) to make this fade as gently as possible. I've reached out to a friend already and she supports my decision. I'll reach out to a few others this afternoon. The hardest part of this is letting go of the fantasy that he would get better and I could have this intense, passionate, beautiful relationship with him that was also healthy. I let his possessiveness slide because I felt so intensely cared about. But now I know what to watch out for in the future. I'm going to remain single for the rest of 2015 in an effort to build myself back up and prevent another toxic relationship. I will protect myself in the future the way I would protect a friend. I'm 25 now and I need to start taking who I date more seriously because I don't want to end up married to someone like Peter. I'm scared of the future, of being with someone like him, and of never feeling this level of passion again. I'm especially afraid that I really am all the things he accused me of being. But I know I'm doing the right thing. This is usually when he would come running to my door, knocking, waiting, and begging me to unblock him. This is the first time I won't. Thank you, so much, for your support and patience. This sub gets a lot of grief for a myriad of reasons but you all do so much good. So much more than you even know. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you that commented and especially those that direct messaged me. You all were a lifeline to me when I wasn't ready to turn to my friends. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. tl;dr: I dumped him. Got accused of sort-of cheating (again) during the break up. Feeling weird but relieved. Blocked him on everything. Just wanted to share the good news. Two years out of an abusive relationship and I'm so happy, I could burst. July 29, 2017 (over 2 years later) Two years ago, I posted some rather desperate r/relationships questions asking for help. (If you're curious the initial cry for help, starting to gather strength to leave, the jubilant break up post. I knew deep down that something was desperately wrong with my relationship but I was hellbent on fixing it. The posts were the beginning of finding my way out of what felt like a mindfog. I tried to post on relationships to let people know how it was going, in the hopes that if there were people considering leaving similar situations, they know that something better is out there. Unfortunately, relationships doesn't allow multiple posts. However, I felt an intense desire to share the "after" part of leaving an abusive relationship to let women know that there IS life after an abuser, even if they feel like their world will cease without the relationship. I hope this sub is an okay place for this. It only took about two months after my break up to know that I would 100% be okay. That moment came while I was on a family vacation and was curling my hair in the mirror. I made eye contact with my reflection. I remember being startled because I saw someone looking back that looked calm. She wasn't worried about whether she'd get called slutty, whether smiling too much at dinner would get her accused of cheating, or whether the swimsuit she chose for the pool would get her accused of "showing off" and yelled at. For the first time in a year, I felt happy, safe, and confident. I became nearly giddy realizing I hadn't been criticized in months and I felt FREE. It took so much for me to get out of the relationship. I think I was borderline addicted to the highs and lows. Every time I started to escape, I got "love bombed" (learned this term in my research post-break up) and pulled back in. I was worried nothing would ever feel as good as that relationship. However, I followed all the “standard break up advice” and worked out, reconnected with friends, started up new hobbies and (very importantly!) went to counseling. It was a long road, but a much easier one than I originally expected. And at the end of it, I was happy. Here's a list of things that have happened to me in the last two years that have been better than that relationship: Passing my state's bar to become a lawyer; Starting a new job where I feel challenged and respected; Getting a gorgeous new apartment downtown; Getting into the best shape of my life; Making friends with a strong group of intelligent, kickass women that my ex would have never let me befriend; Drinking/smoking/sleeping without being guilted for not following my ex's expectations for what I should be doing with my time; Getting a cat and not needing to worry about her safety around my ex or him getting jealous; Leaving my house without having to give text updates about where I am; Smiling at strangers without being questioned over it; Being approached to run for office in 2018 and saying yes because I want to do it; and Literally everything. Here's what I want to say to anyone who is interested: Anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how confident you are, or how independent you want to be. Just because you’re in one doesn’t make you dumb or worthless. It doesn’t make you easy prey or unable to be in a healthy relationship next time. The only antidote is listening to your gut and respecting boundaries that you put into place for your own life. There were so many times that I felt a pit in my stomach and knew something was wrong but ignored it because I felt like a compromise could be found. Some people out there are scary, they are manipulative, and they do not want the best for you. They only care about themselves and you cannot make them respect you, value you, or treat you well. When you meet that person, don't try to change them. Cut your losses and leave. Don't let their voice get in your head and to start believing their narrative of who you are. It took me nearly a year to undo the damage that an 8 month relationship did to me. (Can you believe things got this bad in 8 months?!) I would internally feel myself panic for months after the break up when I laughed too much with my friends, thinking that I would be getting lectured about being fake/flirty/inappropriate. It took me so long to start making sarcastic jokes again (my ex didn't "get them" or think they were funny). I basically had to regrow all myself self confidence and redefine myself worth. I could barely even express an opinion on where I wanted to eat since it hadn't mattered in so long. Once I got past that, I remember marveling at the tranquility of my life being mine, my self esteem returning to normal, and people treating me gently/kindly. My parents told me I was happier than they’d seen me in a year and my best friend told me that she was glad “to have me back.” (Side note: Counseling is IMPORTANT. People that are in an abusive relationship are more likely to get into another one than someone who has never been abused. When you are being abused, up looks like down and down looks like up. Going to counseling helped me re-orient, figure out what was normal, and taught me to listen to my gut. It helped me rebuild and make sure this wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t even need many sessions but I actually liked it by the end! I’m forever a gigantic advocate of finding a counselor that fits your needs well.) I don’t want this to be the point of my post, so I’m putting it last. I took a dating hiatus for 6 months after the break up and tried to rebuild on my own. I think this was extremely important to help me re-center. After the six month hiatus, I wrote out parameters for dating and a list of things I needed in a partner (kindness, gentleness, warmth, an even temper). I was picky, I stopped seeing people that I felt weren’t listening to me or weren’t treating me well. After six months of dating, I found someone that fit the list. I’ve been dating him for a bit over a year, and I can’t stress how different this relationship is. It’s night and day. I’m listened to, respected, treated like a real partner, and my boundaries matter. I can be friends with whoever I want (I’m still good friends with James!) and my alone time is given with no questions asked. Tl;dr: I was in an abusive relationship, asked reddit for help, and they came through. Life is so much better post-break up. I want to emphasize this can happen to anyone, just because it’s happening doesn’t mean you deserve it. Get out! Life gets better than you can imagine. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/typewrytten Originally posted to r/legaladvice Roped into our neighbors’ search warrant because we live in a duplex. Police seized our iPad only used for art. Trigger Warnings: police brutality, destruction of property Original Post: June 10, 2025 My wife and I live in the upstairs unit of a duplex in Minnesota. The two units have separate house numbers and are independent, aside from a shared entryway, garage, and trash cans. We have our own keys, front doors inside the entryway, mailboxes, electric meters, etc. Earlier this week, multiple police officers and a SWAT unit executed a search warrant for the downstairs unit. The warrant was for narcotics and firearms. At 7 am on the dot, the Minneapolis Police Department showed up with no sirens and blocked off the street on both sides of the house. They then forcibly broke down the shared entryway door, then the downstairs neighbors’ front door, and also the man door to the garage, which actually left a small dent in our car parked inside (not major, but still). Our front door, the one to our upstairs unit, is the only exterior door that still works in the entire building because I opened it myself when they told us to come up with our hands up. They shoved rifles in our faces, cuffed us, and put us in the back of a squad car, where we were for about two hours while they searched both apartments. They uncuffed us about an hour in but we were not allowed to leave the car. They initially told us that the warrant was for downstairs (street address 50—not the real number), and asked us repeatedly if we lived there. We said no, we live at 48 and have no connection to the people in 50. We literally just moved here less than six months ago from out of state. The most we interact with the folks in 50 is a “hey how are you?” if we happen to be in the entryway together. They asked if the apartments connected at all once inside the respective front doors (they do not). They also asked my wife multiple times if she was a specific downstairs neighbor (she is not). Both my wife and that specific neighbor are black women. Then they told us the warrant was for “the entire building” and the garage. Eventually, they printed us a second warrant on the spot that listed our upstairs address, which we only got after the searches were over. We were also directly told by an apologetic sergeant that this had nothing to do with us and we were “just caught in the crossfire.” During the search of our unit, which was not as thorough as 50’s, they seized my wife’s iPad. The only thing on this iPad is my wife’s art. Nobody touches this iPad save for my wife, not even me. They left all other electronics untouched, including my own iPad and our laptops. Meanwhile, they took every single electronic device from all the folks in 50, including their cellphones and work computers. My wife did sign a document allowing them to search the iPad. We were told it could take a month or more if she didn’t, and her art is one of our revenue streams. We can’t afford to be without it for an extended period of time. We did get a receipt. We don’t own firearms and don’t use or sell illicit drugs. We are law abiding citizens with nothing to hide. The worst things in our apartment are weed (legal here), blunt prop swords, prescribed medication, and angry cats. All were left unharmed. No arrests were made, so I’m assuming nothing illegal was found downstairs either. The whole scene was very overwhelming and frankly a little terrifying, especially with guns pointed at us first thing in the morning. I’m kicking myself for not paying better attention because the situation feels off to me. I was more worried about making sure the cops didn’t manhandle my wife and knew about our escape artist cat. I’m also disabled, so sitting with my hands cuffed behind me so tightly for so long was not a great experience and I was/am in a lot of pain. Was this all on the level? Can they search both units when they are separate like this? Is it normal to print off a new warrant off on the spot? Why only take her iPad and leave everything else while taking everything from downstairs, especially when it has literally nothing to do with anything going on in 50? How can we get it back as soon as possible? Do we need to get a lawyer? We do not have lawyer money right now and we weren’t charged with anything, so I don’t know how PDs work in that regard. I’m keeping an eye on the iPad via FindMy because I don’t know what else to do. This is a completely new situation for both of us; I think we have one speeding ticket between us. Location: Minnesota EDIT: y’all, the iPad is backed up to the iCloud. I don’t have another device for her to use and I cannot afford one rn. Stop lecturing me on the importance of back ups. Edit 6/10: Y’all if I see this on TikTok with a shitty Minecraft parkour video in the background, I s2g. Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing the common questions asked and responses Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Only mistake was allowing them to look at the iPad. The police can lie to you, the month thing could've been a lie, or more likely that it'll take over a month regardless, probably longer since they have a document ostensibly justifying the seizure. Pretty sure it's all digital now, the copy your neighbours got was probably printed in the same way. Depends on how the warrant's worded if it was legal. If it specifies their apartment number (assuming the apartments are zoned as separate apartments) then they had no business going into your apartment. Likely you'll have to wait a while. You still want to speak with the police about wanting your belongings back, sometimes valuable evidence not relevant to any case gets "lost", when that happens no police officer seems capable of providing assistance. OOP: I’m not sure how we would have stopped them from looking at it. They would have just seized it anyway and hooked it up to a passcode cracker. I have its exact location on Find My, luckily. And it’s locked to my wife’s AppleID, I can brick it instantly if I really want to. Commenter 2: Since the document was signed they can more easily argue that you allowed them to have it, although it depends on what exactly she signed. Without the document they'd be more likely to budge if you bother them about it. Although naturally it's possible they're nice and will return it early since they can access it easily, but not something that can be relied on. You should get it back eventually. It's just always a risk to have it there, they really don't like taking responsibility for anything. Shouldn't hurt to speak to them at least to hear if they can give you a timeline. Speaking to a lawyer could also be a good idea if it's not beyond your means. OOP: Signed only for them to search it with the provided passcode, not to seize the actual device. If they lose it or refuse to give it back, I will rain hellfire on the police department with any means I can muster. Commenter 3: Find a lawyer. The search warrant is required before entering your residence, not during or after. I'll bet they got the warrant after the fact to cover their ass. If they had a valid search warrant like the one for the lower residence, then there would be no need to ask permission to take anything that is related to the search. If they did not have an executable search warrant prior to entering a lawyer should be able to get your iPad returned immediately. Commenter 4: I'd bet the city didn't know it was a duplex - it sounds like it was once a single-family home and was converted at some point. Definitely talk to a lawyer and Legal Aid may be able to help. OP, you did pretty well on the fly. When they have guns out, follow their directions and live to fight it out later in court, if need be. OOP: It’s been converted for at least a decade, maybe two. Not totally sure. I know how to pick my battles. If this had been ten years ago, when I was young and dumb and not married, this very well may have gone differently lol + They would have seized the iPad regardless. We only gave them permission to search it willingly instead of them passcode cracking it, no choice on the seizing part. OOP on the house they are residing at OOP: I think this house was built in 1910 or something like that, if that makes a difference. I doubt it started out as duplex, but it’s definitely been one for a while OOP on their and their wife's backgrounds OOP: My wife is black. I am a disabled trans person. Unfortunately the bare minimum doesn’t always apply to us. And they literally pulled us out at gun point and were in our apartment before I even got to say “can I help you officer?” Commenter 5: They should have given you a form showing what they took along with case number, detectives name , phone number etc. They Ipad will be kept in evidence. Even if they didn’t give you a form, go to the police station or call and they’ll tell you about how long they need to keep it. DO NOT wait for them to call you, keep calling or showing up because they most likely won’t call you. It’s just going to sit in an evidence locker once “the case” is over or the DA says it’s ok to release it. OOP: We got a warrant that looks like a middle school MS Word document, a copy of the seizure receipt for the iPad, and a copy the thing to look at the iPad. No case number, no phone number, and a cop’s name that is illegible Commenter 6: If the house is separated by legally and registered as a separate address by the governing entity in your area, and you were only provided the warrant specifically outlining your address AFTER they searched your house, then they conducted an illegal search. If you have any timestamped video from a ring cam for instance, be sure to save it, and provide to a lawyer, along with the copy of the warrant. That should be timestamped as well. A half decent lawyer will quickly be able to prove this in court, and not only get your iPad back, but I believe they are on the hook for repairing any damage. OOP: They were in our apartment before they even finished putting my cuffs on. We didn’t see the warrant until we were allowed to go back in after it was all over. I don’t think they even said anything about having one until we were in the car and then later said they were printing us one. We do not have a ring camera unfortunately. Commenter 7: NAL - but a former Minneapolis resident. You may want to reach out to your city council member. They could be really helpful. OOP: Already done! That’s what I did last night when I was still too wired to sleep. From what I’ve heard, ours is pretty cool, so here’s hoping + Damn fuck he already answered me and now we are meeting with him tomorrow. Ngl, I have never had anyone at any level of government get back to me that quick   Update: March 26, 2026 (over 9.5 months later) Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/uEQvwNc3nl Location: Still Minnesota. Oh boy where to start? If you’re looking for a guide on how to get your shit back from the police, this ain’t gonna be it. Within a week of the iPad being taken I: - spent over 12 collective hours at the courthouse talking to about 20 different people - had a meeting with our city council member - went viral on both Reddit and TikTok - had to take our disabled cat to the ER because she ate something a cop tracked in on their shoe (she’s fine—shoutout U of MN) - called and spoke to everyone from the judge that signed the warrant to the officer who took the iPad to three different records offices - was told by the officer who took the iPad that since I was causing an issue, they were going to keep it longer - requested all the police reports documents. Had to do this multiple times because I kept getting rejected. - emailed about 15 other people - connected with Communities United Against Police Brutality (CUAPB) - got a lawyer - filed case with the Office of Police Conduct Review (OPCR) The week after that, our downstairs neighbors decided this entire event was my fault and started a smear campaign against me online. Then they started texting me about how I was a disrespectful, animal abusing wife beater who uses autism as an excuse to be racist. Good people of r/LegalAdvice, I have no fucking idea how or why or when they came to that conclusion. Anyone who knows me knows that the vibes in our household are very much NOT that. I mean, I am autistic, that much is true. I’m being flippant about it now but it was incredibly stressful while it was occurring. Our neighbor is a really influential person in a specific community that we are a part of so it could have been very bad for us. Luckily the fallout wasn’t terrible. After all that... …literally nothing happened! Still to this day the MPD did not file any of their paperwork about the warrant, nobody replied to our council member or lawyer or CUAPB, nothing. I did get a redacted copy of the police report for them coming to the house. That was it. In August this had to take a back seat because the school year started and I went back to work. Ngl, I also took a break from annoying the cops so much because I was worried they would retaliate. If they opened some sort of case again me or started giving me legal trouble some other way, I would be at risk of losing my license/clearances/etc. that allow me to work with children and thus my entire livelihood. I tried to continue to reach out every month for an update. In January, the OPCR emailed us! A whole six months later! We did an intake interview with a neutral lawyer. Still have heard nothing else. We also got a little bit…sidetracked by everything going on in the city and trying to protect students/neighbors. I think the sound of a whistle will forever be etched into my nervous system. And I had my school breaks eaten up by manuscript deadlines—nothing like doing line and copy editing 10 hours a day for two weeks straight to make your brain melt. In the meantime, my wife used my shitty half-broken Apple Pencil and the shitty half-broken iPad I found in the attic that we both forgot we had. Gen 7 base I think? With 32GB of memory so it was full almost immediately and her quality took a big hit with the resolution drop. That revenue stream dried up a lot unfortunately. We’ll get it back. And then in March, our downstairs neighbors got their stuff returned. Supposedly. After our neighbors got their stuff, I had my wife call the officer who took the iPad, figuring a new voice might be helpful as I’m sure mine is now automatically associated with annoyance. Five days later (today) he calls back. Y’all ain’t ready for this. APPARENTLY, the iPad was released from evidence. In OCTOBER. But they “didn’t have a way to contact” my wife. You know, despite having our address, driver licence numbers, both phone numbers, and a signed evidence receipt. They also “accidently” had my wife’s name badly misspelled, again despite EVERYTHING they had with our names on it. This is also despite me, and the lawyer, and our CM, and CUAPB reaching out to the MPD between October and now. No “hey your shit is ready,” no “we’re done with this garbage,” nothing. It’s not like they are supposed to only hold released evidence for 60 days or anything. So we go to the evidence unit. The officer w/couldn’t even tell my wife the address of the damn place because fuck him. Granted, I already knew where it was, but still bro. I fully prepare my wife for the fact that I am going to sit there until they give it to us or I get dragged out because I am fucking over this. Shockingly, the evidence unit went off without a hitch. iPad in hand, custom engraved Apple Pencil still there, no screen cracks. And they finally gave us the case number! Amazing! Only took 10 months! We get celebratory pizza at Boludo and go home. I unplug the Wi-Fi and boot up the iPad, I don’t want it connected to our network until I make sure it’s not fucking wiretapped or something. Open Screen Time to discover they never even touched the damn thing. What-fucking-ever. 40 minutes of iOS updates and 25 minutes of app updates later and we’re back in business. It’s been real, LegalAdvice. Thanks for coming along for the ride. TL;DR: We have the iPad. description of the image A black-and-white, sketch-style illustration with a playful and expressive tone. On the left side, there is large lettering reading “F*ck the MPD,” written in a swirly calligraphy style with sparkles around it, creating a contrast between the decorative typography and the message. On the right side, there’s an anime-style character of a young lady with short bob haircut, tiny horn-like shapes on head, and facial markings on cheeks. She has expressive eyes and a slightly determined expression. Her outfit has lacy details with a fitted bodice, decorative trim. Her pose shows confidence, one arm is bent as if she’s making a fist. Around her head are small sketchy marks that look like accent lines or stylized motion/emotion cues, adding to her attitude. end of the description Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwRAblondie99 Originally posted to r/Advice I think my (27f) husband (41M) will end up in prison if I tell him the truth. Trigger Warnings: rape, abuse, mentions death of a loved one, possible depression, physical assault, alcoholism, past trauma Original Post: March 18, 2026 Editor's note: the original post's body text was saved before it got removed. OOP then reinstalled the same post in comments Hey everyone. This is a slightly dramatic post but it’s something that I can’t talk to anyone in real life about. Me and my husband have been together 8 years, married for 6. We have two beautiful young daughters (6 and 4) and I just feel like everything is going so *perfectly*. I had a pretty rough upbringing (abusive dad, junkie mom, typical Southern white trash shit), and he’s had a hard life. He lost his daughter before we met, and his whole life has been dedicated to a high-intensity job that has meant he’s seen some nasty stuff. He hasn’t discussed it with me directly but he’s heavily implied he’s done some nasty stuff too. He’s “retired” from that now but this is just to explain why I’m scared. I don’t see much of my family for obvious reasons, but just recently my cousin (29f) got married to a guy who grew up around our family that we’ll call Bobby (30m). Attending the wedding and the party afterwards was the first time I’d seen either of them in ages, and it was a beautiful ceremony. I was so happy for them. However as the night went on Bobby started getting a little flirty, talking about how well I’d grown up, and how “petite” (🤢) I was even after having two kids and how motherhood suited me. It creeped me out but I just assumed he’d drunk too much. I wasn’t about to ruin the happiest day of my cousins life, especially when I’ll probably not see her again for another decade. Biggest regret of my adult life. I’d had a bit much to drink myself, and I was disoriented and long story short: when I went out into the garden to fetch some things the kids had left behind, he cornered me and attacked me. I didn’t see it coming at all. I tried everything. Afterwards I was so flustered that I snuck back in the house and tidied myself up and downed a couple more drinks. I found my husband (sulking in the corner because he hates parties) and basically said we should get back to our hotel because of the kids passing out in their cousins bed. He noticed something was up and my dress was a little dirty, but I just passed it off as having drunk too much and fell. He got pissed because historically I’ve had an alcohol problem, but he eventually softened and I just prayed that was the end of it. However about a week after he’s asked me again what happened. I tried to tell the same story but idk if I was convincing enough. As well today he’s been going on about me seeming different and I will admit that I’m not being as voracious as I normally would be (I am extremely attracted to him and I have a high drive). I just can’t… feel connected right now. I still feel dirty and I know I’m keeping something from him. He keeps trying to insist he just cares. But man he’s so smart and he has a natural inclination for investigation. I’m terrified he thinks I fucked up and consensually cheated on him. I’m maybe paranoid but he seem suspicious and he knows me better than anyone. But I just can’t tell him. He has been through so much. He also knows I’ve been hurt like this historically and from how he’s dealt with finding out about that I KNOW he’ll k*** the guy. He’ll figure out who it was because he made a couple funny comments about the guy anyway. And watching him hold our youngest daughter I’m just terrified my babies will lose their dad. He is genuinely all I have in this world, him and our kids, and I can’t. But also I can’t be normal with him at the minute. AIO? Should I just tell him? Or am I right that it’s better to have a little mistrust now than to risk him actually taking drastic action toward someone? Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am listing the common background questions asked and responses Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I totally understand but he’s in your corner. Have to trust him and tell him. I know the type he is trust me but you will never be the same holding this in. Tell him then call the cops and report it before he does get a hold of the guy. OOP: I feel like I’m in a real tough situation because I’ve left it a week or two. I’m nervous about telling the police because I know better than anyone that they hardly ever do anything. However, with a slightly clearer mind it does have me thinking about my cousin and who she’s married to and I do want to see him face some kind of justice. Commenter 2: Please step back for a second and think about this: Your cousin married a deeply unsafe man. What happened to you was fucking awful, and honestly I don’t blame you for being tempted to keep it hidden and pretend it never happened. I am so sorry for everything you went through, and are still going through. But regardless of what he did to YOU, he assaulted someone on his own wedding night. He’s dangerous. If he hasn’t done this to your cousin already, there’s a possibility he may. If he hasn’t done this to other women already, he absolutely will. And if your cousin and him have a child together, I would not EVER trust this man to raise that child safely. With all his comments about how “petite” you were, I don’t think this man should ever have a daughter. Please say something. I really think it’s the right decision. Your husband will be enraged for a good reason, though I hope you’re able to get across how your priority is making sure your kids still have their dad. But please know that there is basically a 0% chance what Bobby did to you is an isolated event. Even if you can’t bring yourself to say something to your husband, at the very LEAST, for your cousin’s sake and her children’s sake if she wants to have any, please please tell her what her new husband did to you. She deserves to know, and everyone deserves to be safe from that horrible predator. OOP: Thank you. This is actually a wakeup call I needed I think. I’ve been so in my head about my (occasionally precarious) marriage and my children that I’ve not had much time to consider other implications. I feel so much disgust at what he did and I do not want him to walk unpunished while I live with it. I just can’t get out of my own head/blaming myself for how it happened/might happen next. Commenter 3: It sounds obvious from your description that he raped you. Do you have any of the clothing that you were wearing, unwashed? It will have some of his DNA on it. I think you need to report this to the police first but you absolutely cannot keep this secret from your husband. Maybe take him to the police station when you go. That might help keep him calm. But yes, he will be outraged. And you absolutely have to tell him. What a sleaze bag who married your cousin! Wow! OOP: I have the dress, but it’s been in with other laundry? I want to. I just don’t know if I can face the process if I don’t know I’ll get a conviction. I’ve been through it once before and reliving it over and over was almost more traumatising than the actual experience. I do want to protect other women though, please don’t misconstrue this. Commenter 4: DO NOT WASH IT. Go get it immediately and put it in a plastic bag. Your undies and bra you were wearing in the same bag. Bag up any clothing it was touching jn a separate bag. There will still be evidence there. Anything else he may have touched? Jacket? Socks, shoes, something you were holding? Where did it happen? They may be able to lift prints. Any bruising? Get a rape kit done anyway. There may be some trauma or residuals they can collect as evidence. Have you written anything down that corroborated rhe timeline? Do you have your timeline on your phone switched to on and was it with you? What about health tracking on your phone or watch? They can use all this and get statements from people who were there to fill in gaps. Go to the police, make a report, and tell them tou want to press charges. Do not take no for an answer. Write down everything you can remember with times and anyone that would have seen you with dirt on you, or that noticed you acting funny. I have found AI to be really useful for doing self-investigation and documentation. I have found Claude to have the best algorithm. I had a contract dispute last year and used that method... I went from thinking I had no case to blowing it out of the water pretty quickly. Reach out if you need help figuring out where to start. OOP: Thank you, this is insanely useful advice. I know my husband would be able to help in this regard if I would just ask him and he would be furious that I’ve not better tried to preserve evidence. Commenter 5: Talk to a therapist first. You need to make the right decision for you. Regardless what you decide you need to be strong for yourself. Wishing you peace and healing. OOP: Thank you! I actually do have a therapist on rotation because of another mental health condition so I think I will have to get back in contact with her Commenter 6: I'm sorry that happened. I'm not trying to pry, and not trying to shame you, but seems like you should tell your husband, and handle the situation appropriately. I don't know why you wouldn't, unless you aren't saying everything about the incident, with you being tipsy, is what you're speaking of exactly what happened? I am sorry for what happened. If he raped you, go see your doctor for some blood work, to make sure you're okay. There is no shame in seeing a therapist either, that kind of thing is traumatic. Best wishes 🙂. OOP: Because I don’t trust the police to handle it, but I know what my husband is capable of. I was the victim of some horrific crimes as a child and perhaps this has left me slightly jaded and not able to see through the right lenses. I’m going to get tested at the very least. Commenter 7: Best advice I can offer is did the venue have cameras on site? I’d initially do a report and take dress in bag to police station. This individual has to be reported ASAP because not only is he a community danger. He’s a danger to your immediate family. Obtaining a therapist would be ideal and perhaps with council the news can be broken delicately to your spouse. OOP: It was my Aunt’s property however while I don’t believe there were camera’s that far down the garden there are some by the house which actually might help establish that we were both outside at the same time. Thank you. OOP explains more on her own background, why she went to the wedding, just to see the family OOP: I actually describe my own upbringing as white trash. My husband makes a comfortable salary so I’ve been able to come away from that, but I don’t cast judgement on my relatives. I don’t see “much” of my family because my mom and dad were abusive, and I moved away from that. However my cousins and my Aunts are all very important to me. Of course I was there. Not that I have to justify this to you. In my immediate life I rely on my husband. As a teen (14-20) I got into some bad stuff and I was just not in a great place. Me and him drank a lot together but I was recovering by the time I had our first daughter. I don’t elect to go completely alcohol free, I choose moderation. I made a slight mistake in judgement but I wasn’t PLASTERED. Who would I tell? And no, I didn’t immediately contact the police. I was thrown. I can see why it’s the wrong thing to do. Anyway, I don’t really need to justify all this but if anyone else comes across this: there it is. I hate to break it to you, but people are imperfect, especially people who have led complex lives. I’m not the perfect victim.   Update: March 20, 2026 (two days later) UPDATE: I think my (27f) husband (41M) will end up in prison if I tell him the truth. Hello everyone. First of all: wow. Just wow. I didn’t expect that post to get the attention it did, and I naively didn’t expect some of the bad reactions it got either. However I’m very thankful for the abundance of brilliant advice, helplines, and experiences that were shared with me. A lot of people won’t have grown up in the way I did so I can understand why it might seem odd to you. But thank you for the support. Anyway, onto the update… this is very raw and very intimate in a way that I don’t think everything needs to be shared so I’ll just give you the cliff notes. I decided pretty quickly I needed to tell him but I was not sure about when and how and whether I should “take him on a drive to the police station” as some commenters suggested, which I did think would ultimately piss him off more. But in the end the decision was made for me. Maybe I seemed extra troubled because in bed he pulled a stunt I didn’t respond well to, and then he just sighed, put some distance between us and laid it all out. Said I’d been different, and that he’s not a fucking idiot and he’s not mad but he needs to know. Naturally I hesitated, but I just burst out crying and told him. And then he sat there for a second contemplating, and asked if it was at the wedding. So I nodded. And then when he realised that I hadn’t slipped over and that he had actually been there, he just fucking lost it crying himself (which is something I have never seen before). He asked who it was, and I initially said that I’m scared to tell him because the reason I initially hesitated was because I thought he’d kill the guy. He responded that the guy deserved it. At this point I just tried to talk him down. I ended up telling him, and then I said I think I should go to the police. His stance was that we’ll talk through our options tomorrow because, in his words, “they [the police, my family] will be very hard on you”. Which I know, obviously, but my firm stance is that I want him to face justice of some kind. He nodded but he was hard to read. He also asked me if I still wanted to continue trying for another baby and I said that I want everything with him but I couldn’t possibly know right now. You guys will be happy to know I pleaded with him not to do anything crazy, and (reluctantly) told him that I’d made this post to which he was a little pissed about but ultimately understood. He was mainly angry at himself, which is just eating me up. He’s went to work like normal today but I can tell he’s still quite distressed. Even our poor daughters can tell. I’m gonna take some time today to figure it out, I’m contacting my lovely therapist first of all and then we’re gonna try and speak to my husband’s cop friend about some stuff later, but my main thing is that I want it all to be formal and it to be on the record just in case. This is probably not quite as dramatic as you thought an update of this kind will be but this is mostly what I have right now. It’s hard to read what he’s thinking at the minute, and I’m scared I’ve really hurt our marriage, but at the minute I think his position is that because he could tell something was wrong and that I “withdrew” rather than overcompensating he believes I was hurt, and he’s not mad. Let’s pray we get over this. Thank you lovelies. If I have more news I will update. If you have any questions obviously do ask but I feel like that’s all for now. I appreciate the support so much, you’ve given me the courage I needed. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: I’m so glad you told your husband! Talking to his friend that is a cop is a great idea! OOP: Yeah, I thought so too. It’s a little easier to talk it out without someone you know a bit better and I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known my husband. Commenter 2: Wow! I am so incredibly sorry you gad to go through that! Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, and I am proud of him for responding appropriately. Please take care of yourself! You deserve so much better than this life has handed you and you sound like a wonderful wife and mother. This cloud should not weigh on you. If there is any way in the world you can see a therapist who works with EMDR techniques, it is a way of counseling that helps you alleviate the painful aftermath from traumatic events at a much higher rate of success because of the way the brain is able to rapidly process the events. It is quite incredible and I am not doing it justice, but it helps everyone become a healthier version of themselves. OOP: I’ve heard of EMDR! Thank you very much for the suggestion. Hope you have a good day. Commenter 3: Please also go to the hospital and get a std test. I’m so sorry this happened to you OOP: First on the list. He wants to come with me though and support me which I appreciate.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]