Summer Activities For Toddlers

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... to join the party. Throughout summer 2026, expect special activities designed to bring the whole... parents with babies and toddlers, and family togetherness activities held three times a week. DAILY ACTIVITIES Our daily programme of..., meditation, and family sports. From summer 2026 at selected TUI BLUE ... Fit, yoga and Pilates. From summer 2026 the team will be ...

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...authentic local cuisine and activities to suit you. And this... and a programme of activities crafted for family togetherness. This...3 to 12-year-olds and activities for teens. In the evenings,...whole clan on the activities list. Tennis, football and volleyball ...parents with babies and toddlers, and family togetherness activities held three times a week. ... yoga and Pilates. From summer 2026 the team will be ...

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CuriousButNotJewish Originally posted to r/relationship_advice How do I [F28], a widow, tell my in-laws[M58][F59] about my new partner? I am very, VERY close to them (for all intents and purposes they treat me as their daughter, events, sleepovers, trips etc.) and I am afraid that this will destroy everything Thanks to u/withlovetara & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: death of a spouse, mentions trauma Original Post: May 3, 2026 I married my soulmate, the love of my life and the light of my eyes 3.5 years ago. Unfortunately, he died shortly after our wedding due to an illness, in my arms and while holding his parents' hands. Suffice to say this was traumatic for everyone involved, everyone in his family tattooed his name on their wrist (I have a marriage tattoo, so not a name but a date tied to him, which is why I didn't do it), and the whole after-death, mourning, etc. period we bonded very deeply over his memory. For context (this is relevant), I am from country A. My late husband was from country B. I lived with him in country C, and since then I've moved and now live in country D. As my husband was dying, we both moved from C to B, so that burial and everything else would be easier. I then stayed with my in-laws for a while, moved back to C, sold the apartment I owned there shortly after and moved to D. I am thus now stranded, in a way, between my family (all in A) and my in laws family (all in B). I travel ~2 times a year to spend time with in-laws in B, maybe once a year to spend time with my own fam in A, and maybe once a year my entire blood family comes to D to spend time with me. It's an expensive and exhausting arrangement but it works in maintaining both bonds. It also means that when I am in B, I am now for all intents and purposes treated by in-laws, and the entire rest of my late husband's family, like I am their child: I live with them, travel with them around the country, eat with them, play video games together with my "siblings" in law, I am on the walls of their house in holiday photos and spend time with my late husband's cousins and now, these are basically my family too, my mom dad grandparents cousins etc. They're just as mom and dad as my own mom and dad are. And here comes the hard question: I'm in my late 20s. After my hubby died, I did date now and then, with eventually hoping for marriage and kids, but nothing seemed to work, fellow widows know what that's like. And then... I met this guy. And he has been, well, not like my late husband, but you know how sometimes you meet someone and they are YOUR person? And you just know? In a different way, this man is as much a soulmate now as my husband was. And he is very chill with me going to in-laws, mentioning a memory of something I did with my late husband on occasion, having a picture of him in my bedroom, etc. He is caring, loving, understanding and patient, everything a young widow could ask for... and things are moving fast. Which is the problem. Thus far, I never mentioned any relationships to my in-laws. They are aware, I am certain, that I do date, have sex, etc. but they don't ask, and I don't talk, about anything or anyone other than my late husband while in country B. I don't feel like that's respectful to change that, buuuuuut - well, I want to move in with this guy. And I want to stop saying I'm going on 'solo trips' when I'm actually going on trips with this guy. And I love him, a lot, and we are already talking marriage, and children. And I have to tell them that this man now exists in my life, and here I am, in my in-laws' toilet, writing this out at 2am to ask Reddit for advice. With 2 days left before I go back to country D and don't come back here to B until... God knows. Maybe Christmas? I have to tell them, and I want to do it in person while I am here, but I don't know how. I don't want it to seem ostentatious - there is pictures of me and late husband, together, hugging, on holidays, EVERYWHERE in the house, and announcing a new man in my life out of the blue might seem like I'm bragging or something. I'm not. I also don't want it to seem like I'm leaving them aside - I'm not. They are MY mom and dad in law, my gran gran and gram gram in law, my little brother and sister in law, and this will change nothing. Even after I get married. Even if I have children. They remain family to me and kin. But how do I even start this conversation? Because they won't ask. And I don't know how to mention it, in a way that we never speak about it again, in a way that respects and shows that my late husband is STILL my soulmate, still the light of my eyes - he's just not the only one, anymore. I'm scared out of my mind that this will make me lose them. Relevant Comments OOP responds to a comment about overthinking everything and how her late husband’s family might react to the new relationship OOP: Oh I know it's not betrayal. I am fully ok with this, I'm not feeling guilty over it or anything. Part of what made my soulmate well, my soulmate, is his emotional intelligence, his wisdom way beyond his years, his foresight and his empathy. He was dying and yet he took a few hours, sat me down, and made sure he understood and I understood what will happen once he dies. He told me in no uncertain terms that he wants me to date again. Like a petulant child, I told him I'll kill myself instead to not have to suffer a life without him - and I almost did. The lucidity that came after the suicide attempt made me realise he was right, and I don't carry any guilt in my heart, because in my head, it's a bit like polygamy if that makes sense? I still love my husband, deeply, profoundly and every second, but also, he is ok with this. He wanted me to find another good man (or woman). He wanted me to have children, if I wanted them. What do I have to be guilty for? He ain't mad at this, he's cheering me onwards and is probably proud of me for finding such a good catch. His parents are not as open minded. That's what I'm afraid of - their reaction, and the family's reaction as a whole. He comes from a very tightly knit family, and I really enjoy this, how close and personal everyone is with everyone. But they also might find it painful to picture me as OP, Woman Married to Unknown Man, as opposed to OP, Widow of our Dear Departed And Beloved Relative. The thing is, I am both. I will ALWAYS be both. I am wearing my wedding band proudly, continuously, and likely will keep it on a chain after I marry my current partner (and start wearing our wedding bands instead). Even now I have a promise ring of sorts on my middle finger, right next to my wedding band. For me these things are not a contradiction. I contain multitudes. I just don't know how to help my family of kinship also see this and not reject me. OOP on the reasons for wanting children with a partner OOP: Unfortunately, the line is tick tocking on my biological clock. I have a health condition that is degenerative - it might cause me to become infertile later in life. As you can imagine, in our day and age, this put off many men, who don't see why we shouldn't just wait till I'm 35+, but my late husband and I shared what we knew we always wanted out of life: at least two children (amongst other things). I'm only rushing because I'm afraid that if I don't have all the kids I want by 32-33, I may never have them :(. I wish women didn't have a biological clock, so I didn't have to do that. But life forces cruel choices on us. Had my late husband not died, we were considering starting children at 26 or so, so in a way (and I know this may sound silly) I feel a bit like I'm already "behind" on my planned timeline. House ownership? Check. Good job and being the breadwinner? Check. Finding a good partner to settle down and have kids with? Well, it was a check, and then life told me not only do I not get to have that check anymore, I have to keep staying alive and suffer through what's left. And I'm doing just that, I went to grief counselling, I made my peace with it, life sucks, so I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation... but I know it's perhaps harder to understand for someone without a degenerative disease. Trust me, I wouldn't rush, if only I felt like I could afford to. (And before anyone asks, no, it's not inheritable.) OOP on if she has her relationships with her biological family as she only mentions much more about her in-laws than her own OOP: I don't, I'm much more close to my biological mom and my bio family over in-laws, but my father is an alcoholic and a bit of a gambling addict and growing up I have fought with him, shouted at him, and even physically assaulted him twice out of sheer anger (I definitely had anger issues as a teenager, and broke my dear mother's heart countless times over my inability to contain them). Now as an adult I have learned to love and appreciate him from a distance. I also love and have always loved children, and my parents are single children, so I have no cousins, and two of my four grandparents were dead by the time I married, so my grandparent exposure has been fantastic, but sadly limited. Comparatively, my late husband has 4 living grandparents (who are now great grandparents), 12 uncles and aunts, and... 18 cousins? I am close with around 9 of them. Of which some are children. And I love being here, playing with them, playing in general. It feels like family. It feels like what I want MY family to be when I have children. When I grew up we didn't really celebrate Christmas, we were too poor. When I grew up I had a chronic illness so everyone was constantly worried that the only child in the entire family will die if they don't take care of me, so we didn't travel much. When I grew up... people loved me, I was a very loved and wanted child, but I was also a difficult, angry, depressed child who felt the weight of the world on her shoulders and I know I didn't make my family's lives easy, the opposite. Which is why I moved to C by myself, took student loans, did a very good university on scholarships and debt, and am now making enough money to give my parents the life they never had growing up themselves (I send them money every month so they can do whatever they want and be happy with them). I feel like I'm allowed this small, vicarious, selfish luxury, to be in this family that's not my blood and pretend I belong. Play with the Legos I never had as a baby. Coo at all the toddlers I never played with, play football with the aunts and uncles I never had. It's not mom and dad's fault that they are who they are. They sacrificed everything to raise me. Sometimes they starved so that I never lacked anything. But at the same time, what do I have back in the home country to visit? Dying grandparents? Sad memories? I love my country, but I don't want to go back. I want mom and dad and my grandparents, as much as they can, to keep coming to country C to spend time with me. I want to make so much money that I can bring my mom and dad here to live with me permanently, even, once they retire and my grandparents die. I just don't see the point in visiting my country of origin, not because it's a bad country (I won't say what it is, but it is objectively an amazing country y'all have heard of), but because I have such a small family that I can just bring them all to me instead. We can go to cute cafes and buy stupid adult Legos and visit overpriced zoos and do all the silly stuff we haven't done before now. I'm killing myself working overtime with a chronic illness to make it happen. I don't think it means I'm more distant from my parents and grandparents of blood. It's just different. Commenter 2: Out of curiosity what are the timelines here? How long were you with your late husband and how long have you been with your current partner? What cultures and continents are we dealing with? My white Western anglophone POV might be out of line, you know? OOP: We're all Europeans, countries A B C D are a mix of Eastern, Southern and Western Europe. I was with my husband 4 years in total, this new guy I've dated for... we're coming up on 8 months? We're not getting married soon or anything, just talking about moving in together. OOP on the timeline of her dating, marriage, and her husband's passing OOP: I first came to country B to visit maybe 1.5 years before he died? We started to bond and do things together all of us already, for sure, but it definitely kicked up a notch after he died. I had a lot of cousins and aunts and uncles at my wedding I barely even knew the names of, but now I would trust them all with my life as if they were blood relatives. They also started visiting me in D after I bought my house there, so by definition after he died. He's been gone 3.5 years, we were married half a year, and we were both 24 at the time. New guy is 29. In-laws are from a very Catholic culture, I don't want to say the country specifically, but nobody in the family is religious. Does this help?   Editor's note: OOP updated into the original post Update: May 4, 2026 (same post, next day) EDIT: I DID IT I talked only to my mother in law, because I was a bit afraid to talk to them both, and I kept putting it off until literally the last second before we went to bed but, I did it. I told her that this guy is the first serious relationship I've had since hubby passed away, that it's quite a new thing (I was afraid to tell her it's been a long time - I can come clean about this small lie later on, if he becomes more than boyfriend) but that I've known him for a longer while because we're in the same friend group, and to my surprise, she asked me to tell her more about him! She cut me off at some point then and told me she is very happy for me, but she only wants one thing from me: to stay in touch with them, and to not push them aside, and to that I told her I had been freaking out the whole time while in country B about how to tell her, and she said it’s silly, even seemed to get a bit cross at me that I could ever be afraid to tell her because we are family, and I told her to me she is mom as much as my own mom is mom, so I was afraid to lose her and lose that, and anyway we hugged and she is very happy for me and we bonded over how we were both afraid that this moment would distance me from them, but I reassured her that literally nothing will change between us, and I am as much her daughter now as I will always be. So yeah: turns out, y'all were right, I freaked out over nothing much, and while I am uncertain as to when, or if, rest of family will find out, since she is the one I am closest with and she also knows her children and husband best, I trust that she'll mention it to them when she thinks that the time is right. At the same time I told my boyfriend, and he is very happy that it all went well, and congratulated me for it : D I did chicken out on telling her the full truth, how long we've been together, and stuff like that, as well as to have a full "we need to sit down" talk with father in law, but all in all, I think this is as ok as it will get, and I am reassured that even if he doesn't take it as well, mom (in law?) is in my corner and she is happy for me. Extra detail that entirely blew me away: the guys who said to mention to her that husband did tell me to remarry were more spot on the money than they thought. Turns out, not only did he have this conversation with me, he ALSO had this conversation with them, so she said she is ok with it especially because late hubby told her that this is what he wants. I do feel a bit uneasy at the thought of how this might have went had he not, but once again from beyond the grave and 3 years ago he protected his wife and made sure I am safe and accepted by his family, which. Guys. At 24, while dying. I cannot put into words how much I love this man. I would die for him to get even another hour of life. Until his last day he thought of me and loved me. How blessed are we that we get to have experienced a man such as him into our lives. I dunno how all of the guys who wanted an update will get it but uh... here you go? lol   Editor's note: below are two posts that are tangentially to the original and update posts WIBTAH to go ahead with buying a bunk bed despite my partner's hesitation?: May 17, 2026 (nearly two weeks later) Long story short, both my partner (30M) and I (28F) currently live in apartments with roommates. I have finally managed to save enough money and buy an apartment that I absolutely love, and since I wanted to move in with my partner eventually, this turned out to be a great moment for us to do so. We talked about it and, the conclusion we reached is that as I bought the apartment by myself, he will pay me half of the mortgage as rent after he moves in until (if) we get married. Anyway, one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to buy instead of continuing to rent is that I ADORE loft beds. They are my favourite beds in the world, I love the "living upstairs, couch beanbag with PS5 and projector and RGB lighting downstairs behind princess curtains" aesthetic, it's literally my dream. This is something I told my partner for a long time even before buying this apartment, that this is my dream bed, I want to buy one day, and it was a big motivator to buying (in our country almost all apartments for rent are furnished already so low chances to have a loft bed unless I buy the place instead of renting). Never has anything been said by him against this. I even showed him my Pinterest board with how I want it to look, 0 complaints. Now that the place is ready and I am starting to prepare for ordering furniture, ending my rent contract, and moving in, I am showing him again all of the inspo pics and he seems... less than thrilled? He asked a few times if I am sure this is the best choice for a bed, what if him or I fall off of the ladder at night, etc. I told him that the living room will also have a very comfortable guest bed AND a sofa with an extendable bed, so we don't have to sleep together if he doesn't like the bed, but he's all "hmm" and "maybe" and non-committal noises and it's a bit stressful tbh. Feels like he's raining on my parade. I even told him that there's no pressure with the move, I am fortunate enough to be able to pay the mortgage by myself if he isn't certain about moving together anymore, and he got a bit upset at me for implying we'd be giving up our shared dream of living together and sleeping together in the same bed just because he isn't sure about the loft bed idea. I don't know how to tell him this gently, but the loft bed isn't negotiable. It's absolutely happening. He knew about it for such a long time. At the same time, I asked my best friend (who is a man) what he thinks I should do and he said that I should be more open to compromise with this because compromise is the heart of a good relationship. But I don't want to compromise. I want my loft bed. WIBTAH to go ahead with buying it even though my partner isn't super thrilled with the idea? Sorry if my English is bad or the text sounds badly worded, English isn't my native language. Edit: I see some people are confused and think I am talking about those loft beds children have, I am talking about the double-bed sized loft beds that IKEA has for adults, specifically this one: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/stora-loft-bed-frame-black-80160867/ Edit 2: fair enough, I take people's points about the weight limit, I'll inquire with a carpenter to have a custom bed built in the same style, but with a sturdier frame. I hear your safety concerns. Edit 3: a kind redditor suggested a bed and the company just happens to deliver to where I live, so it looks like I'll be buying this beauty, with a very much 2-adults'-weight maximum weight to it: https://abc-meubles.com/fr/lit-mezzanine-bois/1452-1270341-lit-mezzanine-sylvia-escalier-cube.html#/67-couleur-brut_sans_vernis Cheers to all the other suspended (apparently bunk is not the word, loft bed is correct) bed owners out there pouring in their stories and helpful advice Tonight I have a date and guess what topic we'll discuss over some nice dinner - will update later! Edit 4: This sub won't let me post comments anymore cause y'all have downvoted my comments answering your questions so much that it fell under some threshold. So no updates or INFO answers anymore. Too bad. Also please stop mentioning "guest rooms". This is not the US. It is a 1 bedroom apartment in a European capital city where the average 2 bedroom apartment is at least 1 million EUR. It doesn't have the immense amount of space that American houses have. We all wish we had those houses. Those houses here, in bumfuck nowhere in the countryside, would be between 1 and 2 million EUR. Edit 5: we didn't break up. We talked about it, and I posted an update on it: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1tg76o0/update_wibtah_to_go_ahead_with_buying_a_bunk_bed/ To everyone cursing me out and wishing for the death of my relationship, sorry babes, it ain't happening. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions, splitting between NTAs and YTAs Editor's note: OOP made numerous responses in this post, the majority of her responses have been downvoted. I am listing significant details not covered Relevant Comments Commenter 1: .... all loft beds are literally under "kids' loft beds & bunk beds" category in Ikea. It's definitely 100% NOT for adults. There's only 1 double mattress loft bed in the states and They even say: "Please note that our loft bed frames are designed for one person at a time even if 2 or more persons total weight is less than 220lb per bed limit." You're mistaken OOP: We don't live in the states. In my country's IKEA website, bunk beds are not aged like they seem to be in the US. Commenter 2: What are your ceiling heights though? Are you going to be bumping your head all the time? OOP: If I remember correctly, they're a bit under 4 meters (editor's note: a bit over 13 feet). It's an old apartment and has blessedly freakishly tall ceilings. OOP on the cost of a place in her country OOP: In my country an apartment with more than 2 rooms is a million EUR (editor's note: $1,160,400.00 USD). I'm being realistic here. Already being able to own my place before I'm 30 is massively ahead of my generation. + Rent is generally higher than mortgage, because housing market sucks ass. 2. a 2 bedroom apartment is around a million EUR, because housing market sucks ass. 3. Being able to afford any real estate in this nightmare of a country is already huge, the average first time house buyer is over 40 years old. Buying my own place before 30 is immense in itself. Commenter 3: it’s your house, not his. if he wants an option on furnishing, he should be paying half the mortgage and half the price of the furnishings. OOP: Technically he's prying half of the mortgage amount per month, but I put my foot down and this will be in the form of a rent contract. It is my property and it will remain my property. OOP on who is paying for the bed OOP: And I'm paying for the bed lol. Like he ain't paying 50%, another commenter made me realise how stupid I am to consider someone else's vision for a bed when I'm buying the furniture, for an apartment I bought... OOP on the weight limit of the loft bed that might not hold her and her partner OOP: We both weigh, together, 130kg. If the bed breaks under us I'll file a customer complaint because wtf lol. Commenter 4: INFO: Do you like having sex with your partner? Do they make loft beds big enough for 2 people? Would you consider a loft that's more of a couch on top? I'm not gonna shit on you for your dream even if I don't get it but I'm just gonna tell you right now you are describing a single person's lifestyle not something that is practical for a couple. So decide which one you want more. OOP: The loft bed frame is 200x200, I've already had a ton of sex in this exact type of loft bed when I had a very short FWB stint in college with another girl who had this bed, trust me, it's 100% sturdy enough lol. Like you can do all kinds of bondage in it even because of how big the frame is and how many board nooks it has available - it makes for some INSANE shibari if your partner knows how to make it! The loft bed love I have is unrelated to this lol, I loved loft beds even before discovering their BDSM potential, but the adult, queen sized loft beds are definitely made with sex in mind, take my word on this ;) OOP on considering hers and her partner's heights OOP: We're both short people and the place has high ceilings, so we shouldn't have problems hitting our heads. Our sex life is, let's say, potentially adventurous: given that we both have housemates, we haven't had the chance to try lots of crazy stuff, but this apartment will be a bit of a chance to explore some kinks and fetishes we both have in common. The bunk bed will help with that also, since there are lots of posts and polls to wrap rope around on it ;) + We're both about the same height, 168-170cm, idk what that is in American units. (editor's note: approximately 5'5") Commenter 5: I mean if the bed is more important to you than the partner is, which it sounds like is the case, then I think that says a lot about your relationship. OOP: It's not about the bed itself, same as it wasn't about the Iranian yoghurt. This is something I communicated as a non-negotiable to him forever ago, it is a dream I actively sank tens of thousands of euros to achieve. The fact that he's only now, when we're 95% there, saying he doesn't like it or is a dealbreaker, feels to me like if I was dating some guy for 10 years with the clear understanding that we both want children, only for him to change his mind up and say he needs to think last moment. You know what I mean? This is a dream of mine he was aware of for pretty much years and only now when it's about to happen he reveals he doesn't like it. If he hated the concept why not tell me sooner? Like when I showed him my inspo Pinterest boards? OOP on the deed of the apartment OOP: I'm sorry, is his name on the deed to this house? Is he buying the furniture? Are we going 50/50 on it? No? Ah, well. Equals isn't just a vibe, equals is a thing counted in cold hard cash. + I have only my name on the deed, he will have a rental contract with no equity claim to my property if he does move in with me. Commenter 6: YTA. You want him to move in, but he doesn’t even get a say in any furniture and he's paying half of the bills. Then you told him the bed is non-negotiable and he can sleep elsewhere or LIVE elsewhere. If this is your dying hill and something to strain your relationship over you have growing to do. OOP: He's paying rent. I paid the down deposit, I pay and am responsible for this house. As far as I am concerned he can have the certainty and joy of us living together, but unless he coughs up some down deposit and we buy a property together, the same way my landlords certainly don't ask me how I want my rental apartment furnished, he also doesn't get a say. We are both adults and I won't be a doormat and let him act as if he bought this house. OOP on whose idea was to move in together OOP:He's the one who keeps pushing for us to move in together as a great opportunity. I won't lie, having to not pay half of the mortgage would be easier on my wallet, and he only works part time, so he could do household chores (he already said he'd want to cook for us and clean the place so that I don't have to hire cleaning help)... I'm ok with him moving in but if he doesn't I won't die.   [Update] WIBTAH to go ahead with buying a bunk bed despite my partner's hesitation?: May 17, 2026 (same day, hours later) Short update to all the lovers of loft beds (I have now learned it's called loft and not bunk) and all of those fervently calling me a thousand names and acting like I'm torturing my gem and babe of a partner by having him move in with me. We just had a date night. It was lovely, if a bit cold (why is it so cold so close to summer, anyway?), and with my mind heavy from all the commenters absolutely losing their shit at the concept of shorter-than-average adults sleeping in anything other than the most insanely massive beds known to man, I gently prodded the topic of the loft bed back into conversation. I put all my cards on table and was fully honest, told him that I am hurt that he seems to not have taken me seriously before, that I want to find a compromise that makes him happy as well, but at the same time, that this bed is very important to me and I am not sure where to go from here, but I want to discuss it seriously, because his dismissive attitude made me unsure about the future. To my surprise, he was himself surprised that I took his grumpiness about the bed so seriously. He said he's still not thrilled at the idea, that he was hoping I had reconsidered a bit in light of the negatives he raised, but that if that's what I really want, he'll be there for me for it. And then we got to planning. I won't bore the good folks with too many details; I showed him the French bed someone suggested from the last post (I linked it in the previous post), he liked that the stairs look way less slippery than the IKEA ladder, suggested we put some anti-slip surface carpets on them for extra safety and also that we bolt the contraption to the walls to reduce shaking during, ahem, adult activities, and then he asked me if I think we could fit a bed underneath that bed, and if I'd be ok with that. I said probably yes, but that it wouldn't be a massive bed. He said that's fine. So that's what's happening. The gaming console and beanbag combo will have to relocate somewhere else (the office, most likely - its existence seems to have confused a lot of people, just to help clarify, it's a 1 bedroom apartment with a small office room which is too small to be a bedroom by itself), the downstairs curtains don't really fit into the picture anymore, but we'll put a bed underneath the loft bed, so he can choose whether he wants to sleep in his bachelor-style pad under the stairs (Harry Potter jokes were had) or climb up with me in the upper area. He also said that he hopes I'll grow tired of the "heights" sooner rather than later, to which I jokingly said he'll have to ground me down a lot for that to happen (does this joke make sense in English? it's like when you direct electricity into the ground by reaching up to the sky with a metal antenna), and in response he gave me a tight hug and kiss. The world didn't explode. We didn't break up. We'll just have an even funkier bed situation than before: a double bed underneath the loft bed. It will probably look something like this (replace the table and single bed with a full bed underneath the loft bed): https://pin.it/4SG9BidJt But it's not that bad. We might even put the curtains on the upper side of the bed (the ceiling? a rail? not sure yet) to keep the whimsy aspect and then it might look like something like this: https://pin.it/16BNKDu2e We also, to the annoyance of that person complaining about who makes Pinterest boards anymore, agreed to make a shared pins board to be more in touch with this project and how we see it. Uh... the end? I know some people wanted an update once the bed came home, but realistically, that will be one month from now or so, I thought I'd give this small update until then. The drama my little princess whimsy bed truly was crazy so hopefully this calms some folks down. Editor's note: again, OOP made numerous responses in this post, the majority of her responses have been downvoted Some Comments Has OOP slept in a loft bed before? OOP: I did have it in one of the previous rentals I had, and an ex-girlfriend of mine also had it. It's very much a love it or hate it thing I'm starting to learn - some people absolutely despise them and some really like them, one thing is for certain though, they're not for houses with low ceilings. Saw someone say they had less than 1m between the bed and ceiling in their one as a child, which sounds like a casket with extra steps. Commenter 1: You should show him your other post and comments so he can see exactly how uncaring and dismissively you spoke about him. He has a right to know how you actually view him. It would probably be an eye opener for him. OOP: I think he's happier enough not seeing my angrier side. Some of the stuff people said there... phew. I have a temper, it's in my people's blood, we can light up from nothing, fiery blood. I did say some bullshit I didn't actually mean, when redditors call me entitled retarded a child a bitch a psychopath and every other name under the sun, of course it gets under my skin and makes me aggressive. But with him I'm feeling the kind of calm I've never felt before. As long as we find compromise and respect each other, there is no reason to become upset. He hasn't harmed before, ever, has never raised his voice or called me names. I have no reason for anger with my love. If anything, he seemed more happy that we'll get a cat than anything. And now we have to figure out how to make a cat staircase that's safe for it to climb up in bed and back... I still don't see the joy in it, but that's his lifelong dream, so everyone is moving forward with their plans it seems 😉 Commenter 2: He said he didn’t want the bed, but you are going to it anyhow. You aren’t a great partner. You are prioritizing a “fun idea” over his comfort. OOP: We made a compromise, that's how compromises work. I am happy, he is happy. A compromise did not mean tossing the bed out or breaking up with him or whatever people kept saying I should do.   THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

What are some good summer activities for the wife and I, plus our four kids (two of which are toddlers) and three dogs? Ideally, they should be something the whole family can enjoy together. We're open to anything as long as it's safe and age-appropriate. submitted by /u/Transtaglia to r/poisonai [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/books-clouds89 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITA for not inviting my in-laws to my son’s 5th birthday after a big family fallout? Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: manipulation, financial exploitation, bullying Editor's note: adding prior posts for more context to understand the family fallout. Body texts were saved before they were removed AITA for being frustrated that my SIL’s financial situation is stopping us from buying a home?: August 16, 2025 My husband (doctor) and I (part time healthcare) live in a 2-bed flat owned by his dad. We’ve been paying the mortgage as rent. When times were tight - maternity leave, husband's pay cut, my FIL covered us. The mortgage is now paid off, so we gratefully live here rent free. But it’s not sustainable, we have three kids (10f, 4m, 2m) who share a bedroom. We never bought our own place because in 2017, my husband was emotionally pressured into going on his sister’s (dentist) mortgage to buy a 5-bed house. This was before he met me. He doesn’t pay towards it and has no equity; his income was used to boost her borrowing. At the time, it was presented as 'the family home' where his parents would retire. His father provided the deposit. My husband was promised that he would not be disadvantaged and get help to buy a house later. In 2018, they did a big reno. Last year she became pregnant with twins (5 kids). They started another big reno - going from 2 reception, 5 bed and 3 bath to 4 reception rooms, 6/7 beds and 5 baths and an extra kitchenette. Everything has been extended, remodeled and refitted again in 7 years. About £200k from FIL has gone into this. The current plan, devised with a mortgage advisor, is we sell our flat (FILs), get a deposit for a house and move into a rental. They use £100k from the sale to remortgage to get my husband off. But there’s a catch: She has credit card/shopping debts to pay She needs to get rid of her car finance (two brand new EVs). She has to increase her salary and complete tax returns. Until she does those things, her borrowing power isn’t high enough. As her debts/liabilities and declared earnings currently stand - she would only be able to remortgage for 21k. She needs 18x this. She spends excessively and goes on expensive holidays - she’s already talking about an island getaway for her 40th birthday. In the meantime, we could be stuck in a rental and sitting on £100k waiting. I want us to hold off on selling until she’s actually ticked the boxes, otherwise we bear all the risk. One idea was to use equity from the flat sale, on top of 100k to boost her borrowing, to help her pay down her debts and liabilities. This seems insane after spending 200k on unnecessary renovations, but it might be our only way out. I know it’s her personal finances, but her decisions directly affect our future. I’m being told not to have feelings about it as it's 'not our money'. But am I the AH for being frustrated, when my 3 kids are sharing one room and our future depends on her paying her debts Relevant info: My husband has never paid her mortgage. She pays it, her husband is unemployed. My husband has no equity in her house. We have small savings of our own (20k), but we need a big deposit to stay in this area. We pay our own bills, childcare, and living costs. We drive 11 year old cars and holiday once a year. Our debts are low and we try to save. All the £200k+ has been spent on SIL's house. FIL works abroad. AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs Editor's note: OOP made lots of comments, I am listing significant questions and responses as they provide more details Relevant Comments Commenter 1: NTA, but you need to invest the frustration and anger into figuring out a way to change this for your family. OOP: I work part time since having kids, even if I went full time - with UK house prices as they are I'd struggle to buy a house to accommodate all of us on just my salary. OOP and her husband need to figure things out and extricate herself from SIL’s housing situation / mortgage OOP: I didn't know about it until after we married. I definitely agree that this should have been resolved before we had 2 more kids, and it's my own fault for not pushing the matter. We were always assured with vague promises that it would be next year, or the next but the goalposts always shifted. Commenter 3: How does the dentist sister have more money than the doctor husband? Like how can she afford 5 kids and you two barely have savings? OOP: Self-employed, lots of private work and bankrolled by father. OOP clarifies on her children and the timeline when she met her husband OOP: My husband was has a daughter from a previous relationship. We met in 2018, and married in 2019. OOP and her husband on living rent free and not having more savings outside the house value OOP: He took a pay cut twice to do two fellowships (2.5 years total). Our childcare bill has been insane, especially when both boys were in private daycare together. I earn a lot less than him but going part time after having kids hasn't helped. Doctors in the UK earn decent money, but also get taxed quite heavily. They're also always going on strike to get pay restoration, their pay is lower than it was in 2008. I do agree we can save more, we live modestly and within our means and our kids all have savings accounts. I've been doing a 'managing your finances' course and I'm trying to get him to do a household budget with clearer goals so we can figure out where we can improve.   UPDATE: AITA for being frustrated that my SIL’s financial situation is stopping us from buying a home?: **August 20, 2025 (four days later from the previous post) Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. My husband (DH) and his dad met with the mortgage advisor as mentioned in my first post. It was clear how dire the prospects were for SIL to afford the mortgage on her own. The loan was too big, and she had lots of debts and liabilities. The plan was, FIL would sell the flat we live in (which he owns) and use the funds to pay down SIL's house loan and her credit card and shopping debts, so she can refinance on her own. My husband would also get help with a large down payment for a house. FIL always assured DH he would not be disadvantaged by the other mortgage and would get significant help to buy. DH went to visit them yesterday, and found them ripping out the floor of the kitchen, the new one costing thousands of pounds. This kitchen was extended, remodeled and fitted in 2019 and cost upwards of 20k. He wasn't happy, I guess it became immediately clear to him that they're not capable or interested in making good financial decisions. Everyone also forgot that my MIL and co-owns the flat we live in. My husband doesn't want to take any money from the sale of the flat for a deposit , as it will disadvantage his mother who is retired. So the flat has been listed to sell, the proceeds will go to MIL and FIL only. FIL will use his share, 100-150k, to bail out my SIL. My husband’s name can finally come off the mortgage of her 1.1million house (she still needs to lose the new cars). It was a little upsetting for my husband yesterday, but he's at peace with it. After all, it was never his money, and his dad can do what he wants with it. He won’t get a deposit, and that's ok. We are worse off than if we had never been involved — house prices have gone up, we need a bigger deposit now, and he has wasted years waiting around on promises of help. The help never came. He was used as collateral so they could keep a house and cling to a lifestyle they can’t afford. But it does also feel like a weight has been lifted and he is going to be free. Not strung along for years in a toxic cycle of obligation and disappointment. We're currently looking for a long term rental nearby, somewhere with 3 bedrooms and a garden for our kids. We're also planning on meeting a financial advisor to come up with an achievable plan to save hard for our own house, and for our children’s future on our own. If buying a house isn’t meant to happen for us, then so be it. We're walking away with peace of mind, a clean slate, and the ability to make decisions for ourselves without interference or reliance on others. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Your sister-in-law is gonna end up in bankruptcy. And you're going to have to sue her as a creditor in order to get your money. Commenter 2: I think OP’s husband is also going to have to declare bankruptcy. He’s on the mortgage. If she defaults and declares bankruptcy the bank will come for money from him. OOP: They're (editor's note: FIL & MIL) selling all their assets to keep her afloat. They own two properties abroad which they're also considering selling. Commenter 3: I'm confused why is your husband who is a doctor and you who also work only have 20K in saving? Commenter 4: They don’t pay all that well for doctors in the UK. GPs average 70-120,000 pounds OOP: He was a junior/resident doctor until earlier this year. They earn like 40 to 70k a year. We paid rent, had two young kids in private day care, and I dropped my hours after motherhood which all impacted our ability to save more. He earns more now that he’s a consultant/attending, so we will be able to save a lot more. Commenter 5: Your husband helped her lie to the bank and game the loan process so she could borrow more than she could afford to pay back. Then he’s surprised that she lied to and gamed him too? YTA OOP: In the UK, if you’re on a joint mortgage you’re jointly liable, even if you’re not the one living in the property. Fraud is when you deliberately misrepresent things - like employment, debts or income. There was no fraud here, only family pressure and lessons learned the hard way.   Editor's note: below is the original title post Original Post: November 9, 2025 (over 1.5 months later from the previous post) My son is turning 5 this week, and I planned a small celebration at home. I took Tuesday off work to bake him a cake and have my parents over in the evening. We mostly keep birthdays low-key apart from a big party for his 1st bday. My husband (36m) and I (36f) have three kids: my stepdaughter (10F) and two boys (4M and 2M). The problem is regarding my in laws. I went low/no contact with them after a major fallout in August. I actually posted about it on here in August, but deleted the posts out of fear my in laws would find them. Context - my husband has been on his sister’s mortgage since 2017 at the request of his dad. We’ve been living in his dad’s flat since 2019, with all three kids sharing one bedroom. In August we met with a mortgage advisor who told us we’d easily be able to buy a house together if husband came off sister’s mortgage. However, she wouldn’t be able to refinance on her own due to debts and her declared income. This was all whist they undertook a second big renovation (first one in 2018), costing FIL probably around 200k. Husband asked them to get their finances and priorities under control so he could get off her mortgage and buy his own house, and it blew up. And I became the villain who was making him say these things. I actually went over to apologise for any misunderstanding, and instead got verbally abused and humiliated by his sister while his dad and mum sat there watching. She attacked my job, my character, my relationship with my own family amongst other things. Bearing in mind, I've always thought I had a good relationship with them all and genuinely considered myself a part of their family. This all came out of the blue. My husband defended me and argued back. I mostly sat there quietly crying, holding my sleeping toddler. When we left with things unresolved, I was shaken so badly I vomited from stress in the street outside. Two weeks later, his mum and sister came round to apologise. Whatever they said was to him, not to me. I refused to see them because I genuinely felt unsafe and anxious around them and stayed with my sons in their bedroom. Now for the birthday. When I mentioned my plan to bake a cake and invite my parents, my husband’s mood changed. Later, when I asked if he could help buy a few things (the gifts, balloons etc.) he accused me of intentionally excluding his family. I reminded him that we've just had my parents over the last few times and offered that his family could do something for him the next day at their house. He said that wasn’t acceptable, that I was perpetuating the situation, and that it’s 'palpable' and 'awkward' that I’m not there for family things at their house. Then he told me he wouldn’t contribute a penny towards the birthday or endorse it unless I invited his family, or at least his nieces, which feels more awkward than not inviting any of them. He even said, 'It’s better if he doesn’t have a birthday at all. He’s five, he won’t even remember'. We went back and forth on it and I ended up crying, he was irate and went for a walk. I've felt shaky and nauseous since. He later kissed me on the head and said, 'I support you 100%, but we need a solution because it can’t go on like this'. He’s framing me as the issue when all I’m doing is protecting my peace and avoiding people who bullied me. He thinks I need to move on somehow. So AITAH for not inviting my in-laws and choosing to celebrate my son’s 5th birthday with only my parents? Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Sadly, you have a bigger issue than your in-laws, and that's your husband. You need to ask him to contribute to his own son's birthday. Red flag #1. He became irate and said he would rather not have a birthday for his son. Red flag # 2. He came back and kissed you on the forehead like a child and placed blame on you. Red flag #3. When his family came over to apologize, he didn't make them apologize to you right then and there. ATOMIC BOMB RED FLAG #4. OOP: In response to red flag no. 3 It was quite late when they came over. The energy was off and I was really uncomfortable. I had to put the boys to bed and then heard raised voices and was too anxious to go back inside. My husband came to get me so they could apologise to my face but in that moment I couldn't do it and said it was OK as long as they were all alright now. Apology or not, I'm still supremely uncomfortable at the thought of being around them. A lot was said to me which I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I replay the abuse over and over in my head. OOP explains more about her husband being on the deed OOP: He's on the deed, but hasn't put a penny into it in any way. They just needed his borrowing power to get a big loan. + He has never paid the mortgage, they just used his borrowing power to get a huge loan. He's a high earner, and at the time he was single. He doesn't live in the house or make repayments. They've just used his name/income to get a big mortgage from the bank. I guess you're right, I should have found the courage to face them when they came to apologise. I'm a very non-confrontational person and at that time I was filled with fear and anxiety. Commenter 2: Your husband doesn't support you 100%, or he would have started steps to get off his sister's mortgage last summer. He's the AH for letting this go on. At the very least, he needs to advise his family when it comes time to renew the mortgage. He will not be cosigning. If that means she has to sell, oh well. His sister has time to prepare and get herself ready with that kind of heads up It's ridiculous that he is cofinancing (even on paper) his sisters homeownership over his own. He has three kids to house himself. That should be his first priority, not his sister. Yiu, as the wife are due more consideration than a sibling or his parents ! OOP: They've assured him they'll get him off in April 2026, but after how they all reacted this summer when he asked them and confronted their spending/priorities - I'm not hopeful. OOP on her MIL and SIL apologizing to her OOP: They did come to apologise a few weeks after the fall out after FIL scolded everyone. I went to put my sons to sleep and then heard raised voices and couldn't find the courage to face them. I told my husband if they were alright with each other, then I didn’t require a personal apology. I'm a very non confrontational person and at that time I was filled with fear and anxiety, and I still feel really uncomfortable at the thought of being around them. They said awful things to me and about me. Commenter 4: Don’t allow this man to make this a you issue. My father’s family was the same way to my mom. My father knew that she was not going to be insulted in her own home anymore after years and years of abuse. Your husband needs to realize he can’t have it both ways. He can either defend his wife and the family he’s building, or he can be okay with his family being the way they are. He can’t have both. I’d let him know in no uncertain terms that you won’t be a party to people who chose to abuse you. If he wants to be with them, then leave. It’s truly that simple. OOP: I watched my mum suffer at the hands of my dad's family for years too. I cut them all of the minute we buried my grandfather and never saw any of them ever again. It left me so bitter and angry, I don't want the same for my kids. OOP on the relationship with her SIL and if there had been past issues OOP: It wasn’t one single incident though. That fallout in August was unexpected. My SIL has made years’ worth of digs and comments about my appearance, how I parent, my job, my choice to work part-time, even where we live (not like we can buy). She’s made me cry a few times over various things, but she always excuses her behaviour as 'I'm just direct'. I would describe her as a classic mean girl. I’ve never said anything back. For the last 6 years, I’ve always shown up for her and her kids, helped with birthdays, supported her when her cat died, when her husband fell ill, done activities with her kids and planned family occasions. I’ve genuinely tried to have a good relationship with them all. So it was very unexpected when they turned on me during the mortgage situation. I suspect it was from a place of panic/feeling threatened and not wanting to be questioned for their financial decision making. They didn't want to blame the brother/son so who's an easy target? The daughter in law! I didnt feel physically unsafe, but emotionally I did and I had a very physical stress response when i vomited outside their house. I was physically unwell for weeks afterwards. I think that's reason enough to not want to be around someone. Editor’s note: adding a tangential post regarding the family fallout AITAH for being upset about my husband booking expensive flights and worrying about financial pressure from his family?: February 2, 2026 (three months later) My husband and I are married with three children. We don’t split finances 50/50, but we agreed that this year’s priority would be paying off our debts, saving for a house, and getting out of financial entanglements with his family. This week, my husband booked flights costing around £1.6k to travel with two of our children to see his parents. This came shortly after he used several thousand pounds from our house deposit fund to clear personal debts due to high interest. And after we agreed to no trips abroad whilst we save to buy a house this year. I’m currently on a very tight budget and actively saving towards long-term security for myself and our children. His father has been unwell and hospitalised twice in the last month, which I understand is stressful. Although his father finalised his will last year, he has now asked my husband to come out to help him 'settle his affairs.' While I respect the seriousness of this, the timing is worrying due to prior financial dynamics in his family. My husband is financially tied to his sister through her mortgage. In 2017, she needed his borrowing power to buy a large and expensive house. Every two years since, at the request of their father, my husband has had to refinance with her because she cannot afford the mortgage on her own. Her own husband does not work. Her current mortgage deal ends on 31st March, after which she will move onto a standard variable rate that is hundreds more per month and likely unaffordable. Two plans are currently being discussed within the family: taking on additional debt from abroad to clear her personal debts including shopping, car, and credit cards, or selling an investment property owned by FIL to inject capital into her home to make the mortgage affordable. Last August, my husband formally asked to be released from his sister’s mortgage so that we could buy a home together. This request blew up. I was blamed and bullied by his sister and mother, and the issue was framed as me being unreasonable and disrespectful. I haven’t spoken to or seen them in six months as a result. Since then, my husband has remained on her mortgage while she has undertaken a £200k+ renovation to her £1m property, funded by their father, and bought another new car and had twin babies. Meanwhile, our three children are sharing one bedroom while we wait on promises of a future deposit and his eventual release from her mortgage. Because of this history, I’m very worried that while my husband is abroad, during a time of illness, emotional vulnerability, and an impending mortgage crisis that he will be pressured to recommit financially or prolong his involvement to support his sister. Her house is framed by the family as 'mum and dad’s house' and justified by claims that she will 'look after them' yet her parents spend around 95% of their time living abroad, and she has not travelled either time her father has been hospitalised. When I tried to raise these concerns, I was accused of being “ungrateful” and of criticising my husband’s ability to provide, something I have never done. My concern is not about day-to-day provision, but about being able to buy a home together and him finally getting off her mortgage. We ended up arguing and I was accused of gaslighting and told that if I wasn’t happy, I should leave. I feel my concerns are being dismissed as emotional, while he says he needs to 'get his priorities right' meaning being there for his father. So AITA for feeling anxious and upset about these decisions and wanting firm boundaries about him not refinancing his sister's house? Relevant Comments Commenter: Although I totally get your frustrations, it sounds like he is very close with his family, and I couldn’t imagine being asked to not visit my dying parent which could be the last time he sees him. Also, you might not get along with the parents for obvious reasons, but should that really stop your children from being able to say goodbye to their grandfather? I know I’m leaving out a lot of the information about his family finances, and I’m playing devils advocate, but stripping away all the money, could you imagine not being able to say goodbye to your parents before they die? As for the finances, you both are definitely not on the same page and it seems like he will always put his family first, either that or his parents have manipulated their children. Has he said that he cannot afford a house with you because of his family obligations? How far back has this put you on your timeline for buying a house together? OOP: His dad has a long term health condition and is undergoing treatment. He's home and well now, just been a bit up and down in recent months. I completely understand what you’re saying, and to be clear my issue isn’t with him visiting his dad or the children seeing their grandfather. Of course I would never want to stand in the way of that, especially when someone is ill. What worries me is the timing and the history around it. His sister’s mortgage deal ends very soon, and in the past such family visits have coincided with pressure on him to stay financially tied to her situation. This has already been going on for nearly seven years. During that time we’ve had two more children, postponed buying a home and making long-term plans for our own children because the understanding was always that she would eventually refinance in her own name. That hasn’t happened. Instead, there have been two very large renovation projects on her house, large spending debts have been accumulated while we’re still waiting for my husband to be released from the mortgage. There’s also a difficult dynamic in the family where my husband is treated as the one who has to be responsible and step in, while his sisters choices and bullying and entitled behaviour are protected or enabled. The sister's house is often justified as being for the parents’ future care, yet when his father was hospitalised recently, she didn’t travel to see him either time. And there has been no conversation about them relocating back to our city and living with their daughter. That makes it hard not to feel that the burden of responsibility falls unevenly. So my anxiety isn’t really about a trip to see an ill parent. It’s about the pattern that tends to surround these situations and the fear that we will be set back again, just as we’re trying to stabilise our own finances and provide security for our children. Commenter 2: You need to start a secret flight fund for emergencies. Don’t tell your husband, put a little away every month that is just yours if anything happens and you need to make so quick decisions. OOP: Already doing this.   Update: April 3, 2026 (two months later) AITAH for how I feel about my in-laws after what they did? UPDATE Quick recap: this situation originally kicked off in August 2025. I made two posts about it at the time but deleted them because I was worried his family might find them. A lot of people asked for updates, so here we are. In 2017 my husband co-signed his sister’s mortgage to help her buy a house when she couldn’t do it alone. In 2025, she started a second six-figure renovation, and when my husband pushed back and asked them to prioritise getting his name off the mortgage so we can buy our own house, everything blew up. They turned on us, targeted me specifically, and since then he’s sort of been pushed out and ostracised. On March 5th, my husband received an unexpected email from his sister’s solicitors asking him to sign documents to transfer the house entirely into her name. No conversation was had before this. Just a formal letter like he’s some third party. He was referred to as ‘Mr.’ throughout, he's a Dr. While she, a dentist, was ‘Dr’. I don’t think he picked up on this, but it really bothered me and seemed calculated. The way the whole thing was handled was cold and lacked respect or appreciation. This is after he helped her secure that house in 2017 in the first place by co-signing the mortgage, taking on risk for her as she couldn’t do it alone. It was at the request of his father as it was to be 'the family home'. In the weeks before this, she suddenly qualified for a mortgage, because their dad took out a loan from abroad to wipe her shopping and credit card debts. She refinanced the house into her name and her husband’s. Her unemployed husband (for 10 years plus now) is listed on her company books as an ‘employee’ earning a salary. I raised concerns about capital gains tax, and it turned out they didn't even know about it. I pushed him to get legal and tax advice, but he didn’t want to spend the money and trusted their promises that if anything came up, they would cover the cost. He signed a declaration denying any beneficial interest. The deadline to remove him from the mortgage was March 31st. On March 30th, I mentioned it and realised he didn’t even know if it was happening. His response was ‘they don’t tell me anything’ and 'what do you think they're going to do? Throw me a party?'. I said yes, and I think he should get a medal and a trophy. Since the fallout last August, his dad has apologised and admitted this has disadvantaged him. There have been repeated promises since we married in 2019, that he would be helped in return for doing this. Particularly with a deposit for our own home. In the last few months the plan was to sell one of my mother-in-law’s rental properties abroad. She had agreed multiple times to this. Buyers were found but on the day of the viewing, she refused to let them in and got very upset. I was never comfortable with this plan, which seems borne out of desperation and making emotional decisions to try and right the wrongs, and now neither is my husband out of respect for his mum. The ‘we’ll make sure you’re not disadvantaged’ line has now disappeared after 9 long years. And not once has his sister ever expressed gratitude or said thank you. When he raised this last year in an argument she said nothing because she’s too proud and arrogant. No acknowledgment that took on risk and held his own life back so she could build hers. We've had 3 kids sharing one room since 2023. She’s also now trying to rewrite the narrative, saying it was always the plan to refinance with her husband but blamed the original mortgage advisor for not telling her how. She is also acting as though he was going to receive equal help to her from the sale of the property abroad - but its not her fault a civil war broke out, and the property is now worth much less. As for the relationships, we don’t really have one. She hasn’t seen our youngest son in 6 or 7 months. She saw our eldest son at Christmas and made him so uncomfortable he asked to leave early and was picked up by my husband. I've not seen her or her family since last August/September. Husbands youngest brother and wife also seem to have picked a 'side' and we don't see them either. They enrolled their daughter in the same private daycare our son attends and didn't mention it. I was asked about it by the staff there, as the cousins share a surname. We haven't attended any shared gatherings for birthdays or religious events/occasions, which was the norm. I think my husband has realised it’s hard to maintain relationships where there’s no respect, no gratitude, and no honesty. Despite my feelings I've tried to stay neutral and encourage him to keep ties, he's chosen not to. Watching someone I love be used, dismissed, and then erased from the story like he was never important is hard. I feel so much resentment towards them all. It genuinely feels like we’ve been pushed out because he stood up for himself and his own family. At this point, I think he's also done expecting any help from them. I never wanted it and also never expected it would come. We’re saving hard, he’s picking up extra shifts to build our deposit. Our relationship is good. It's like he picked 'us' and although I should feel happy about this, I feel desperately sad for him. He is an honest and just man, and deserved better. He says he knows none of them would have done the same for him, and that's enough for him. I basically hate them, and if I never see them again it'll be too soon. So AITAH for feeling like they’ve taken advantage of him/us and not wanting any kind of relationship with them going forward? Additional Information from OOP: OOP: Thank you to everyone who offered kind, thoughtful and helpful words. It’s appreciated. Posting on reddit about this has been quite cathartic. I'm also lucky to have supportive family of my own who have helped me navigate all the drama from the last year. There have also been comments that present themselves as concern or support, often using the language of therapy, wellbeing and child protection, but delivered in a way that is quite harsh and mostly unhelpful. I don't think genuine concern and projecting worst case assumptions onto strangers and their children can go hand in hand! It's also quite unkind. We are moving forward with our lives. We’ve navigated a difficult period involving husband's family, but we’ve come through it now. My focus is stability, boundaries and building towards the future. Our children are happy, thriving and well adjusted, and we have a warm, stable home. Like any couple or adults navigating life and relationships and families, we're obviously going to encounter challenges throughout our lives. The agenda was never further conflict or scorched earth outcomes. The aim was always for my husband to extricate himself from a disadvantageous arrangement he entered before we were together, and to do so as amicably and cleanly as possible. It wasn't exactly amicable and it hasn't been exactly clean, but that's on them. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Hopefully sister will be taking the parents in when they are older and in need of care! Stay NO/low contact with all of them and find friends who are like family instead. OOP: Thank you, yes I'm very strict about boundaries as a result. Especially for the sake of my kids. I grew up with a really toxic paternal side of the family and will not make the same mistakes my parents did. Blood is not thicker than water as far as I'm concerned. Commenter 2: NTA However you should be very worried that your husband prioritised his family over his own and to your significant financial peril. This is not about them, it's about your relationship and financial trust in that. He needs to forget the fallout from his parents and sister and focus on why he allowed this, doubled down on his naive decisions and jepordised or delayed his own families progress and wellbeing. OOP: He comes from a very collectivist culture and there is a clear golden child dynamic in his family. It feels like he’s more on the outside of it now though, and we've had many discussions about why and how it all happened, and he has repeatedly acknowledged all the repercussions of all the dumb decisions he made (he would argue he was emotionally bullied into) Commenter 3: How did being a co-signer on SIL’s mortgage stop you saving for the last 9 years? OOP: We did save. The issue wasn’t saving, it was mortgage affordability because he was still tied to hers. That limited what we could borrow, so we couldn’t proceed even when we were ready to buy in 2021 and 2023. House prices have also risen significantly faster than we could bridge the gap, so the target kept moving. Commenter 4: So did he finally admit he was an ass when it came to your son’s birthday and pitched in to help? It’s absolute shit he wanted to call of the birthday because your son “won’t remember it” just because you didn’t want his abusive family present. I understand he probably said it out of anger, but any parent that tries to leverage their own child to get their way immediately loses my respect. OOP: Yes. We had an argument after the party was relocated to my mums which he missed, but he was present for his actual birthday and the cake cutting at home a few days prior. We spoke about it afterwards and worked it out. I don’t think it was about him trying to leverage our son, it came out of a very overwhelmed reaction in the middle of a lot of pressure from his family being around at the time. That doesn’t excuse it of course. I don’t think it will happen again and going forward I’ll keep my kids birthdays at my mums to avoid this situation all together.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Hi everyone! I’m trying to create a book list for summer for my toddler (will be 3.5). I’m wanting to choose 1 book per week then do a few fun themed activities related to said book. For example, one on my list is “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” which will have activities like making a caterpillar picture out of dot stickers, making/snacking on a fruit tray based on the fruit from the book, visiting a butterfly garden, and of course reading the book. Another book on the list is Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham”. Please comment all your recommendations for books your toddlers love! submitted by /u/faithle97 to r/childrensbooks [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/ChildFreeForLife1 & u/ChildFreeForLife2 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for not canceling my vacation and reporting a coworker for harassment? Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: entitlement, verbal abuse, mentions of a death of loved one, mentions racism Mood Spoilers: appalling Original Post: December 3, 2025 At my job you can only roll over 250 vacation hours. So, come December 31st if you have over 250 hours, you lose them. They don't pay it out. Every year, my husband and I take several longish (10-11 days) scheduled vacations. Visiting a relative in Florida, Family Reunion wherever it's being hosted, anniversary trip each Fall, etc. I always end up having over 250 hours even though we take those trips. I usually take between the 15th-18th of Dec through the 5th or 6th of Jan off. I have been doing this for nine years (and its approved). We hired "Haley" in October. She has made it clear that her son is her life. That's well and fine. I don't care one way or another. Haley came to my desk on Monday and asked me if I would reconsider my time off in December. When I asked why she said that she had requested some time off to travel with her son for the holidays to see her family but it was denied because I'm off. I just said "No, sorry." and turned back around. That afternoon, Haley sent me an email with an itemized timeline of all the time off I had taken this year (our team has a shared calendar so we can know when the other are out of office) and asked to please reconsider and she CCd our boss. I will be honest this severely pissed me off. I don't butt into anyone else's business ever. I don't care if I see your ass parked on the 50-yard line at the Eagles game the same day you call in sick. (Go birds!). As long as I'm not having to do your work, I do not care. I emailed back immediately saying that I don't appreciate her combing through my vacation time and that my answer was still no and I did not want to discuss the matter further. Yesterday morning, I was called into a meeting my boss "Lisa" and Haley. Lisa jumped right in saying that she saw Haleys email and my response and Haley wanted to meet. I told Haley and Lisa both, I will not be canceling my vacation. Haley starts raising her voice about how my child free traveling should take a back seat to working class mother's and their kids. She claimed that I hate kids from my remarks in the workplace, and she felt I was retaliating for the "cause". Both Lisa and I were shocked at the accusation. I am child free by choice. My husband and I have lots of nieces and nephews as well as God children and we are happy. We do not hate kids! Lisa knows this as well. We have worked together in total for about 15 years. I told Haley that she's making a false accusation and this was now an HR matter. I got up and left the meeting even though Lisa asked me to stay. About a half hour later, I got another email from Haley but she was informing me she was asking Lisa to make the call to revoke my PTO and be fair to others on our team. Then, I overheard her telling a team member I'm not letting her take time off because I hate kids and I'm part of the hateful child free community. That was the last straw for me. I attached both of her emails and wrote an email to HR about her harassing and slandering me. I gave the name of the coworker she was talking to and the conversation context as well. I hit send and forwarded it to my boss afterwards so she knew was what going on. About an hour ago, I found out that Haley has a meeting with HR on Friday and she will more than likely be fired. The coworker she complained to told me that he felt I overreacted and that she was just venting about finding child care for the holidays because of work and I should have sat down to talk about it more. A friend who is aslo a colleague (who told me about the meeting) said she thought I let my anger get the best of me and now Haley may lose her job when she's just a stressed out and overly tired mother having a bad day. I will admit I used the buzz words of harassment and slander to get my point across but it had been two days of an asked and answered conversation and I was done with it. So, AITA for reporting her over this incident? P.S. - I am not the only one off. We are a team of five people and two other coworkers are off during the time she wants, but they have children. And the "remarks"? She asked me when she started why I don't want kids and I said I like coming home to clean and quiet house. That's the extent of the "remarks". EDIT: I am in the US (Midwest) and my company is huge on work life balance due to burn out in our field. You're eligible to use your PTO after 30 days and it accrues fast. After looking, Haley is eligible for 52 hours of PTO to date. EDIT #2: A lot of questions about my vacation time. lol. During Covid, my company allowed us all to roll over all PTO from 2020-2022 because of the no travel stuff happening. In 2023 they moved the bar from 150 hours (4ish weeks) up to 250 (6ish weeks) roll over because a lot of people complained about losing a lot of time when they didn't travel. You were not required to bank your time. Some people took their and traveled. We took the pandemic seriously and did not travel at all in 2020 to mid 2021 and then we stayed home most of the first half of 2022 as well and started traveling again in Oct of 2022. So I banked my 250 and because I'm still accruing, I have a lot of hours built up. We do snow activities that are "free" in the winter so we barely travel and we don't start traveling until May of each year and by that time, I've accrued more time. Hope this helps! Lol. This is a throwaway so I'll say goodbye for now! Thank you for the support! I'll come back with an update when I have one! AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs Editor's note: OOP has made lots of responses to the original post, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses Relevant Comments Commenter 1: NTA. She started it and escalated it. You just matched her energy. Just because you're child free doesn't mean people with children are more entitled to your vacation days. You did not overreact. OOP: Not that she even asked...but we have plans as well. My MIL passed away earlier this year and I am surprising my husband with a five days tropical getaway for NYE so he isn't so down. Commenter 2: She doesn't need to know that. She should have been an adult and accepted your no. All of your coworkers who think you overreacted are lying. They know full well they would not allow someone to harass and slander them. I don't think you used buzz words, I think you used the correct words and words matter. You did the right thing. If she is fired, it will be because of her own behavior, not because of you. I'm sorry about your MIL, I hope the family is able to celebrate this year and remember her fondly. Unless she wasn't a nice person but I don't get that vibe. Also, if a job doesn't pay out for PTO, then revoking your PTO usage would not sit well with me either. OOP: Thank you for the well wishes.🖤 No one else on my team has ever had an issue. I'm not the kind of asshole who throws around the fact that I've been there 15 years. Idc. But I also do things like work holidays I don't care about or travel for like July 4th, Valentines Day (it's big in my office for some reason lol), Labor Day.... I'm not even an overly huge Christmas person. I just like to recharge and start the new year fresh after a long year of working. And the other three people on our team have never had an issue with it. OOP on if race plays a role in this whole issue OOP: Someone said this to me at work... I'm mixed and my coworker is black and Haley is white and my black coworker (works on a different team) said she felt it was targeted for how fast she escalated stuff. I didn't bring race into it at all, because her lack of professionalism said enough for itself but someone did point that out too. Commenter 3: Tell your coworkers to give up their time off for Haley if they think you're overreacting. I'm 100% sure they will change their tunes. If Haley gets fired, it is because of Haley's actions. Do we blame the cop for arresting the murderer or do we blame the murderer for murdering?? It's crazy to think anything else. OOP: The three people who are on my team have chosen to not comment. The two don't want to give up their time off and the other one is just like me and couldn't give a flying fuck about what I'm doing. It's literally people Haley has been nice and made friends with that approached me about being harsh... Commenter 4: This is on Lisa, for not getting Haley in check when she got out of pocket the first time. I don’t know a double-digit yeared veteran of any company that wouldn’t be pissed at some newbie not even out of their probationary period making demands and running their mouth like that. Responding like you have means you only have to fob off goobers like that newbie once. When they feel that bold that soon in, they only get more and more of a nightmare. Especially if their manager doesn’t shut them down themselves. I would also be pissed at Lisa if I were you, and would wanna know wtf was she thinking. It’s each person’s own responsibility to keep themselves employed. Don’t act a fool if you wanna keep your job. NTA. OOP: My boss is extremely non-confrontational. I've worked with her for 15 years and under her for 8 and I know better than to let her resolve an issue. I could already hear her solution would have been for Haley to tell me what days she needed covered and I could agree to cover X amount to keep everyone happy and I wasn't letting that happen. Haley came at me aggressively to begin with and the first email wasn't addressed by my boss until Haley asked for a meeting so I was already on high alert. Commenter 5: Considering that the spectrum of reactions includes suing for slander (it could be argued she’s harming your working relationships thus your career, thus your income), not overreacting. What couldn’t even remotely be called in to question here, is that you are definitely NTA. I do wonder why your company won’t pay out vacation time (do you just mean time that wasn’t used once times up? Or do you mean you can’t even cash out some vacation time before the end of the year happens? Either way, how naive is this coworker that she thinks she can just get time off in December without scheduling that way in advance? Like, it is currently December!! That’s a thing across all types of jobs lol.. OOP: I asked for this time off in April and I'm literally leaving the 12th for the rest of the year! I've done everything I've needed to do to wrap up the year. A week and a half left and she wanting me to come back the 22-30... OOP explains more about how she plans her vacation ahead of the requesting scheduled time off OOP: This is correct! My husband and I sit down in November and discuss where we would like to go and I submit it in January and wait until it's approved to schedule. My entire team does this. And let's say you want to go to the Maldives but haven't decided when? You narrow it down to two weeks and just send a message in the Zoom chat that you're thinking of one of those and ask if anyone else is going to request it. We do coordinate on time off as a group. There are four of us and my boss and my boss doesn't really "count" so we really do ask of the time is okay ahead of time with the team. + I plan my vacations in advance. I also wait for them to be approved before I pay for the trips so I don't assume anything. I'm not understanding how I was rude. I only felt that I maybe used the word harassment too loosely in the workplace but two emails, a meeting and three conversations with Coworkers about how I'm difficult all in a literal 24 hour span for me felt like and still feels like harassment on the topic. She asked me to switch at 3:30 on Monday afternoon and I submitted my report around 1:30 before my lunch on Tuesday because she had made such a stink about it all. OOP explains about how her team decides on who gets time off in which month OOP: I'm not the only person off. Two other people are off too. I don't take December off because of the holiday. It's what works best for my team. We are in an outdoorsy state and they like to have summer months off for camping, family reunions, trips, whatever. We are busy and we each have a month in the year where we "burn" time to not be over the 250 and my "assigned" month is December. I'm not gatekeeping this slot due to seniority. Vacation is based on first come first serve. So when January hits, if Haley and two others requested before me, they would get it off and I'd work. The fact of the matter is she just hasn't been here that long. I've given up these days before in previous years when people have asked....nicely.   Update: December 5, 2025 (two days later) Now, some things to clear up before the update. Vacation Time: I am not the only person off every December. There are two other people off as well who Haley did not ask to cancel. They are both mothers. There is no seniority involved. It's first come first serve for time off. Lastly, I am not monopolizing the Christmas holiday. In January, we all take one of the slower days and have a 2-3 hour lunch and go over the calendar for the year of proposed vacation time. I live in a very outdoorsy state so my coworkers who are big into outdoor things locally like hiking, camping and backpacking prefer spring and summer time off. I prefer domestic and international travel to local so December is a good time for me to take off and support my team. This was a collective decision and there has never been a time when I've said no to switching days off if I did not have any traveling or plans scheduled. I've always been flexible with my team. Also, at my company, you can use PTO after 30 days during your probationary period. It is strongly suggested you complete your training first and your supervisor has discretion to deny your request at any time. Second, I was cold to Haley because she said to me "Since you don't have kids I figured you could cancel your vacation because.....". I immediately was going to shut her down because for child free people in the work place, it's a dangerous precedent to set that you'll always work when parents have something kid related going on. I replied with "I'm busy, sorry. No. 😕" and turned back around. That was my full statement. I did not give her a reason because frankly, I don't owe her details and she had rubbed me the wrong way from the start. Last, Haley is not a younger girl still wet behind the ears with a toddler. After a conversation with a different coworker about the situation, Haley is 45 and her son is 16. This is not the "toddler in daycare" scene she set it up to be. I didn't know this information when we talked so it doesn't change my actions imo. Again, she started in October and is still training so we don't have a real personal foundation laid out yet. Now for the update! Yesterday morning I came into an email from HR asking to interview me prior to Haleys meeting and my manager got one too. Lisa called me into her office to talk about it. She asked me why I got up and left so fast and I was honest with her. I told her that we both know that child free people sometimes get a stereotyped as child hating monsters and I felt Haley took it too far claiming I said things I didn't when it came to kids. Lisa said that was fair but it wouldn't have killed me to try to talk to her more and maybe hear her out. I've known Lisa for awhile so I was honest and said I wasn't willing to talk anymore after she told a few people I'm difficult it work with. Lisa was taken aback by that information and said Haley told her that she reacted the way she did because I cut her off and said as soon as she mentioned her son. I told Lisa that was wildly untrue and she can ask "Gram" who sits next to me. I listened to the entire thing. She sent a quick chat to Gram and he confirmed that I didn't cut her off and I was nice about saying no. She asked who Haley spoke to and I gave the three names given to me that she spoke with. Lisa said she would attempt to talk to them before the meeting on Friday to get a feel for what was actually said. She told me that Haley wanted to speak to me in a conference room and if I would be willing. I told her yes, because Reddit bullied me into maybe being nice. lol. Haley came into the meeting and got right into asking why I needed all the vacation time I had. Immediately I felt irritated but let it go. I told her I don't want to discuss why om taking off because I don't even tell our boss why I'm gone. I request it, she approves it. For reference, our company is huge in letting employees know you do not have to tell anyone why you're out of the office, not even your boss. She scoffed and said she felt like I didn't care that she wanted to make memories with her son and that I didn't care that she would be missing time with him. I told her I'm sorry she felt that way but I didn't really think about it in any capacity and I felt she has misled me by saying she would need to find childcare as her son is 16 (something a coworker who admitted he doesn't like Haley told me in order to let it be known her child is not a toddler as she let a few people believe). She told me not to speak about her son because he has crippling anxiety and needs care when she isn't home. I didn't speak anymore about it, but I did say I'm sorry to hear that but I'm not sure what else is there to say. At that point, she asked me what days I would be giving her. I looked and her and said "Did you call this meeting to talk to me about what days I'll be working...?" and she said "Yes, what else would I be asking you about?" this set me off but I remained calm because the meeting was being recorded (get to that in a second) so I just said "I'm sorry, I think we missed something here. I was under the impression you wanted to formally apologize, not ask for the switch still. I'm not interested and I think we should end the meeting here.". She was extremely upset and said "So you're not giving me ANY of your days?!?! You don't have anything going on!!!" and I said "I'm sorry, but I'm going to go." and she said "What the fuck ever this is such favoritism bullshit!" I told her "That is fine. I'm going to end the recording here and leave the meeting.". I pushed end on the record and got up to leave. She put her hand on my notebook (brought it out of habit) and said "Recording? There's no cameras in here." and I told her that I recorded it on my phone to stop anymore confusion about what I've actually said since there seems to be a misconception that I've said some pretty terrible things I haven't. She was visibly pissed off at this point and stormed out but doubled back and said "STATE is a consent recording state and you do NOT have my consent to record that meeting!". I told her to check her email and I moved past her back to my.desk. In all our meetings, the notes say: This meeting is being recorded. By accepting the invitation, you are giving consent to being recorded for necessary purposes Well to me, this was necessary. I'm not sure if she is aware of this but I put that note in our meeting when I sent her a time to meet so I could record for my own protection. So come this morning.... Haley is out sick. Lisa got an email from HR to reschedule the meeting for later next week as Haley emailed them saying she has Covid and hopes to be back next week. So folks, the jury is still out and hopefully next week, this is behind us. Editor's note: OOP has made lots of responses to the update post, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Omg this is crazy. Now to wait and see what happens when she does turn up. Still nta OOP: When I say I was utterly pissed to clock in and see an email from HR that since she's sick, it has to be postponed. 🙄 Also, my company has a very generous Covid sick time policy too. She could be gone all next week. 😒. Commenter 1: See if she has to bring a dr note OOP: Per our policy, she has to be out over 31 days before documentation is required...😒 If she drags this into the New Year I swear....lol. Commenter 2: If she does try to take the rest of the year off like she wanted because of “illness,” you wouldn’t have to give up your vacation for her would you? OOP: No. It was approved in April and "Betty", the last coworker to be approved for time off would be asked by my boss but legally, she can't take the vacation away from us. All Lisa can do is ask. Commenter 3: She told me that Haley wanted to speak to me in a conference room and if I would be willing This should have NEVER happened. She and you should have been pulled into HR separately and immediately. NTA OOP: That's why I recorded. I didn't want to come off like I was being combative. I genuinely thought this was a formal "I'm sorry, I overreacted so can we go into the HR meeting and say this is a non-issue and I won't act like that again" kind of meeting. Lisa also gave me no indication that she knew this was what Haley meant and I emailed the recording to Lisa who did tell me privately after work that the recording didn't do Haley any favors whatsoever. Commenter 4: Did you send HR the recording? You shouldn’t let her get away with cussing at you too. OOP: Yes I did. Sent it about ten minutes after finding out how to attach it to an email without cutting the quality. I listened to it back and she just sounds disgusted with me which makes her sound insane because literally nothing has happened between us. Wasn't Lisa supposed to be at the meeting with OOP and Haley? OOP: I thought Lisa was coming and then she just didn't... I thought it was a team thing and I planned on recording regardless but then I recorded it facing Haley so she can't say its a fake audio. My phone has a kickstand on the case and I use it often. I used it to record so she didn't know I got her entire face on the record with everything that was said. + I looked at her calendar, and she was genuinely in a meeting. But I'm not absolving her of a shitty ass thing she did by not attending. I fully believe Haley acted how she acted because she felt she wasn't being watched by anyone who matters. Commenter 5: Why on earth would you tell her it was recorded!!! OOP: In my state, she has a legal right to know. If I didn't tell her, she can sue me and the company for concealing the recording and stating that she did not consent. She consented by accepting my meeting invite, but it would have cost me and the company legal funds to go to court to say that she consented. I let her know in the moment to save all of us court dates and fees honestly. Commenter 6: NTA This is funny, like I am assuming she is mostly harmless so wont go down the extreme crazy psycho route. But just asking to make sure does your home have ring doorbell cams and etc because I would get those just in case. Because well she knows when you are not going to be home (if she gets fired or not). And well she is a proven liar, already and well some people escalate quick. Like I doubt it would be anything too bad. But if she does get fired she might try to egg your house or other ways of petty (or not so petty) revenge. So I would get a neighbor you trust to keep an eye out just in case. OOP: I don't think she will escalate but my husband is a big tech guy and so our house has all the bells and whistles and also, only a few people know where I live. She would have to stalk me to get to me. Commenter 7: I don’t get what Haley wants. Is it nursing or a job where she would have to work Christmas Day or weekends? If no, she will still get plenty of time to be with her son. Is the office / place of work closed on Dec 25-Dec 28 ? That’s a decent chunk of time off. Does she want a whole month off? I don’t get it. OOP: No. That's the kicker here... We are closed the 22nd-26th and we don't work weekends.... I genuinely didn't understand what she wanted either as we are closed those four days and I'm off after next week. Come to find out, she wants the week after it into the new year off but I'm off that week and a few others are off sporadically so she got denied. OOP explains more about the meetings in the calendar OOP: So, meetings are calendar invites. So like every Monday I have the same meeting from 12:30-2. It's a reoccurring meeting so that note is always in there. Haley emailed me asking to talk and I created a new meeting in our calendar system and put that note on my meeting with her. She more than likely has never seen the note because you have to click the actual meeting for it to open up and read the notes of what the meeting it about. No one opens them because the meetings are the same and this started during Covid, so everyone in the company was/is briefed on it so we could record meetings and get work done remotely during the pandemic. And for the record, I have horrible anxiety and this situation isn't something I enjoy. I've genuinely lost sleep over it because I'm a worker bee. I like to do my job, share a laugh or two over a meme in the office chat and go home. I went to the meeting because I'm mixed and Haley is an old white women crying white lady tears and I wanted to appear cooperative. She's already labeled me aggressive and as a black woman, I just wanted to squash that and say "I am approachable and we can talk". I thought the meeting was a formal apology, not another request to use my vacation time. Commenter 8: Is Haley actually doing any work because it seems like her entire work day is just her whining and complaining about you and her absolute need to have Christmas off. I might be tempted to send a sympathy card to her son because I bet she's unbearable at home too. OOP: She's in the training phase so there are a lot of videos and bullshit like that so I can see how she has the time to do all of this. 😂 As a veteran, I don't have that luxury I'm responsible for a lot responsible of stuff.   Editor's note: marking this inconclusive since OOP has deleted her accounts   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP Originally posted by u/ThrowRA_OkBerry in r/relationship_advice [Special thanks to u/Turuial for tagging me about the new update] How do I (41F) deal with unexpected jealousy over my ex-husband’s (42M) new girlfriend? Original Post Post - 01 June 2025 My [41F] ex-husband [42M] and I divorced when our son was 7. Fast forward to now, our son’s 15, 16 in a few months. Somehow we managed to go from “divorced and done” to actually being pretty good friends. Like, we choose to hang out sometimes, not only when it involves our son, and we get along better than ever. It’s worked out way better than I ever expected. My ex has started seeing someone new. They've been together for a little while now, but it's started to get more serious lately. I’ve met her, but don't know her well. My son is around her a lot more than I am and he likes her a lot. I hate that this bothers me. Like, I’m genuinely embarrassed by how irritated I felt hearing him say how nice she is, how fun she is, how she makes his dad happy. I plastered on a smile and said all the right things, but inside I was surprised by how jealous I felt. She doesn’t like that my ex and I are friends. She’s fine with us communicating for our son, but the idea of us hanging out just because we want to is an absolute no in her book. And he’s started to pull back a little. He’s not saying it out loud, but I can tell he’s trying to “adjust” our dynamic to keep the peace in his new relationship. It stings. Months ago we planned a special trip for our son’s 16th birthday, just the three of us. It was meant to be a shared memory, a kind of “family-ish” experience to mark a big milestone. It revolves around something my son is obsessed with, something my ex and I both enjoy too. But now the girlfriend’s coming. Despite having no interest in the activity. I found out from my son, not my ex, which made it even worse. I haven’t confronted him about it yet because I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding jealous or possessive. But I’m honestly upset. It feels like a sacred little space that used to belong to the three of us is slowly being taken over. And I feel helpless to stop it without looking like the “crazy ex-wife who can’t let go.” I didn’t expect to feel this jealous, and I really don’t want to come off as the “crazy ex.” But honestly, it feels like I’m losing way more than just a friendship here. I’ve worked really hard to be mature, supportive, and emotionally steady in this co-parenting journey. How do I manage these feelings without making it weird or damaging the progress we’ve all made? And how do I set boundaries, if I even can, without turning this into a drama-filled mess? Some notable comments By u/sanguinare12 In some sense, you've been living in a bubble, where the idea of uninterrupted family persisted even through separation and divorce. It was only sustainable as long as nobody else was in the picture. Every situation is different, of course, but as a general thing, if relationships tolerate being amicable with exes for the purpose of shared children, tolerance tends to fade when those children aren't directly involved. The exclusive family unit isn't so exclusive any more. Time doesn't stand still, as much as you've wanted it to. In situations where exes are so involved in each others' lives, if there comes a point when one needs to pull back, there's often a second sting. There was a separation, a divorce, now the palpable reality of your ex getting serious with someone else. Ask yourself something. When is the best time to let go? Then? Now? Some time later when the weight of that reality becomes too much? If this brings more heartache no matter what, is it best to sever that imaginary cord now or wait until it stretches and stretches and snaps anyway? By u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 My husband and his ex wife weren’t necessarily friends, but before I came along she definitely was incredibly comfortable with their dynamic which was she basically got the emotional benefits of him as a husband (friendship, support, favors, coming over to her house to watch the kids) without having to deal with the relationship issues. It didn’t bother me really that much initially, I think it’s a green flag when you start dating a guy who doesn’t hate his ex, but once I started taking over that emotional space for him it seemed to really bend her out of shape. It’s all fine now, but there was definitely a power struggle, and my stepson would tell me how confused he was by his mom not seeming to like hearing how he liked me. He was little and didn’t really get it, since he thought I was nice. One thing that’s important to know is you’re not the one that needs to set boundaries here unless it’s around your kid. That’s totally reasonable, but only in regard to his wellbeing and safety. She is definitely the one that I guarantee you is struggling with the boundary setting. Imagine you’re dating a new guy, things are great but there’s some weird tie to the ex wife? It’s just not natural, and everyone can be friendly and support each other without being besties. I think you’ve been benefiting from this relationship in an unnatural way for a while, you both have, and there’s nothing wrong with grieving the situation at all. Take your time, until your emotional brain catches up with the logic. People move on and they have to make their partners their center, and it’s not a normal state of being to have your ex be your central friendship. It’s also important to note that your son is grown - she is definitely not coming in as a new mommy. Once my husband’s ex realized that I got the fact that her kids had a mom and I wasn’t interested in being anything other than a bonus adult in their life that cared about them and there to help facilitate a good co-parenting relationship when I could, things seemed to really fall into place. It’s normal to wish something good wouldn’t change, but this is something that definitely should change if it means you both get to meet and be with your people. Downvoted comments of OP I don't really think it makes sense for her to come on this trip. I think she's coming to chaperone us...because we're going to do something together with our son in the hotel room. To provide a bit more background on the trip that might make it sound a little less weird: We didn't really intend to plan a trip for the purpose of going on a trip together, originally. A band we love is reuniting, and while we've both seen them before (in fact, 20 years ago when we were a new couple), this is our son's first chance to see them. So, that's why the trip is happening...and it happens to be happening right around our son's birthday, so we're celebrating his birthday as part of the trip too. I genuinely have not been hoping this will spark something. Sure, the whole "that was 20 years ago when we saw them together last time..." has been screwing with my mind lately, and I still remember the date of the very first concert we went to together, but I think it's more of the focus on all the time that's passed and how it feels impossible for that to have been 2 decades ago rather than a focus on anything happening between us again. I’m not going for the sake of reliving a memory we shared together. That's not the purpose of me going. She's coming along, but she's not coming to the concert. Guess she'll wait for us at the hotel or find something else to do in the meantime. There's no way she's getting my ticket. I've loved this band for nearly 3 decades, before I even met my ex husband. She didn't even know who they were. Sorry, there's nothing that would make me offer her my ticket so they could all go have a great time together. It must make sense to my ex-husband for the 3 of us to go together since he never even asked me if I wanted to, it was just naturally assumed from the beginning that "we'd" be going and he bought the 3 of us tickets. UPDATE: How do I (41F) deal with unexpected jealousy over my ex-husband's (42M) new girlfriend? Original Update - 12 June 2025 At the beginning of June I asked for help with navigating these feelings I have regarding my son, my ex-husband, his new gf. Thanks to everyone who replied. Even though I don't think I got a ton of specific, actionable advice (I got a lot of opinions and some solid advice), I definitely heard the recurring message loud and clear: therapy. Some of the comments were genuinely helpful in nudging me to start unpacking the root of what I’m actually feeling, so I appreciate that. Will I go to therapy right now? Honestly, probably not immediately, but we'll see. Most of all of the issues are things I just need to work through on my own, but I decided to just ask my ex-husband directly about the whole concert/birthday trip situation. I told him that our son had mentioned his girlfriend is now coming on the trip, and I needed clarity about what the plan was so I could figure out hotel stuff. I kept it as neutral and non-confrontational as possible. Truthfully, I don't want her to come and I'm still sort of seething over her being there. He admitted he hadn’t told me yet because he was still hoping she’d back out. He said he doesn’t want her to come, that it’s going to make things awkward, and that she kind of inserted herself into the plan and made it really clear she expected to be invited. He felt like he couldn’t say no without it hurting their relationship. He even said, “You think I want to go on a trip with both of you?” I suggested that maybe I should give her my concert ticket and buy a separate one so I wouldn’t have to sit near them and she wouldn't have to stay back at the hotel. Or maybe I should just plan to take my son to a completely different date on the tour all together since it was probably going to be very awkward for all of us, especially since he was now claiming he also didn't want her to come. I don't want to buy a ticket and sit separately. I don't want to plan a whole other trip to a different tour date. The thought makes me really mad, but I felt like the adult thing to do was to at least suggest it. Maybe I just wanted to see what his reaction would be. He immediately said there was no way I was giving my ticket to her or sitting separately. He said there's no way I'm backing out or going to a different show, we've been planning this for almost a year. We did agree to cancel the shared hotel room and book separate rooms. I didn’t bring up the fact that his girlfriend isn’t thrilled with us spending time together. I feel like that’s something I just need to accept. Most people in new relationships with someone who has a close relationship with an ex would probably feel the same. It’s uncomfortable, but I get it, and I’ll deal with those feelings on my own. What’s hardest for me, though, is how much I still default to texting or talking to him. We used to talk daily, not just about things related to our son, but everything. He’s been my best friend for over 20 years. And before anyone jumps in and says I sound like the obsessive ex calling him that… he’s said the same about me. I haven’t had another best friend in a really long time. I had two close girlfriends years ago. Both of those friendships are long gone, not due to any sort of falling out but due to reasons I don't want to get into here. Since then, I’ve struggled to find another close female friend, someone I really connect with on that deeper level. I have friends, just nobody like that. I'd say my ex-husband is the person I'm most myself with and the person I'm closest to in the world. So yeah, my ex is still that person. And I’m starting to realize that while I don’t want him back romantically, I do still see him as mine. Not in a possessive, malicious way, but in that I think I’ve just never fully adjusted to him being someone with a life completely separate from mine. It’s like he’s still a character in my story, not somebody with an entire life of his own. I'm also trying to take the advice of getting to know his girlfriend, while also trying not to over-involve myself in their lives. I don't want to become best friends with my ex-husband's girlfriend. That just sounds uncomfortable to me. I spent some time over at his house today and she was there. They don't live together (yet). He watched my dog for me overnight because I had a work event to go to. Well, it's my son's dog too, so the dog basically went over to his dad's with him. They have a splash pad for the dogs over there, so we were playing around with the dogs in the backyard. He starts asking me things like "Top 5 albums of all time, go!" Then we get into a friendly argument about our favorite albums, which evolved into top 5 guitarists, etc. and these are the things we get along about. I suddenly got the sense that she was not happy about our conversation since she doesn't seem to care about those things and couldn't participate in the conversation. I tried to steer the conversation in another direction so that she wasn't left out, but I'm terrible at making small talk. I decided to make my excuses to politely leave at that point. So now I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how you start emotionally detaching from someone who’s been my closest person for so long, especially when you still co-parent and have to interact regularly. How to I detach? I never detached after we got divorced, even though I thought I had. Some notable comments By u/DueIndependence5527 I read you first post and I can’t remember if I commented on it or not. After reading this update, a few thoughts as someone who hasn’t been in your position or the gf’s position: I’d be pissed if I was the gf and found out my boyfriend actually didn’t want me to go in this trip, was hoping he could talk me out of it, and had shared those feelings with his ex-wife that he’s way too close to. I think you’re either still in love with your ex-husband, have fallen back in love with him, or don’t love him romantically but still can’t stand the thought of anyone else but you having him. You either need to tell him how you feel or seek therapy to deal with your possessive feelings. It may partially apply to your ex as well. Why has it taken either of you so long to get back into a serious relationship with somebody new? His relationship won’t last long if he continues to prioritize you over his gf. Now whether that’s a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask. By u/UsuallyWrite2 I remember your original post and commented on it. Having been in the GF’s shoes to some extent, it really does feel like the ex wife is “peeing on things” to mark territory when they bring up old memories or make comments like “look what beautiful kids we made” or whatever. Even if you’re not marking territory on purpose, it can come off that way. Like GF (or in my case, second wife) is just a third wheel and sister wife. I think that this is ultimately an ex husband issue with his boundaries though. If he’s saying he didn’t want her to come, why did he let her? Because he’s conflict averse. On the other hand, I think that at some point you two have to actually act divorced and stop planning “family time”. There are going to be holidays and graduations and maybe weddings in your not so far future and you just can’t keep doing them together. Not without the GF/new wife. It’s not kind and it’s not healthy. My (ex) husband used to do Xmas morning with his ex wife and the kids for example the first few years we were together and I wasn’t invited. Can you imagine how that felt? We lived together but I was to make myself scarce or he would go to her house if it was her holiday. The kids would even open gifts from me with their mom and dad without me there and that hurt. I don’t know what it’s like to be on your end. But I think your ex husband needs to pick a lane here. And frankly, the way you see him as your best friend makes me wonder why you two divorced. If you’re that tied to each other, why didn’t you each put in the effort to stay together? (Different topic but still…) I really feel like you need to find another outlet and start keeping the chats to kids only because you DO need a good friend but he is being inappropriate being that to you. NEW UPDATE I’m secretly glad I stirred the pot with my ex husband, even though I know I shouldn't be New Update - Jul 06, 2025 I’ve posted before in the relationships subreddit about feeling unexpectedly jealous over my ex-husband’s new girlfriend, mostly in relation to our teenage son and a special trip we’d planned. This isn’t an advice post. I’m not here for strategies. I'm just posting an update I guess, after receiving a lot of messages saying that I'm delusional, that I'm still in love with him, etc. My ex-husband and I divorced eight years ago. Our son is about to turn 16. Somewhere along the way, we stopped being just co-parents and started being actual friends. I consider him my best friend, I guess. The kind who still text dumb memes at midnight. We know everything about each other. We haven’t been “together” in a long time, but I guess I never really figured out how to detach. Or how stop seeing him as my person. And now there’s someone new...his girlfriend. We've both dated since we divorced. I've never been in a super serious relationship since then, mainly because I haven't wanted to be. I like having my own space. I also struggle to find anyone that I have as much chemistry with. But I think with the chemistry came frequent explosions between us. I'd say this is the most serious partner either of us has had since we divorced. She doesn’t love how close we are. I get it. I'd probably feel the same if I were her. She's not mean or dramatic. If anything, she’s been… careful. So as I mentioned in my previous posts, my ex-husband and I are taking our son to see Oasis for his 16th birthday. His birthday falls right around the show we're going to. We're in this US, so this doesn't happen for us until end of the summer. I've been in love with Oasis since I was a teenager. My husband is a big fan too. We are huge music fans, like nerd level and very obsessive over all of it and that's the main thing we bonded over and had in common. My son is obsessed with music too and he loves Oasis - he's probably even more excited than we are, but we've seen them live several times already. The new girlfriend who has no interest in any of this stuff has invited herself along on the trip, and I've not accepted that it's happening. I'm not happy about it because I feel like I won't be able to be completely myself and she'll be watching me the whole time, but I've accepted it and am moving on. She actually texted me recently since I last posted about this whole situation here. It wasn’t hostile. It was polite, maybe even kind, in a guarded sort of way. She said she just wanted to clear the air, that she hopes things can be comfortable between all of us. She asked for a little more space, especially when we’re together. So things were fine, I guess. II was doing my best to be respectful and to pull back some. I’ve been trying so hard not to reach out to him. Even though he’s still the first person I want to text when something funny happens, or something awful, or when I just need to share a moment. I’m unlearning the reflex. I'm sad about it, but I understand this needs to happen. I'm too dependent on him. But he keeps texting me. It's never anything that crosses the line. Strictly platonic stuff. But still, it makes me feel like the bad guy. Oasis played their first gig in 16 years. Our son was at his dad’s, and he texted me saying, “They’re livestreaming it.” So I turned it on. I was texting both my son and my ex-husband about it - we have a group chat. Sending videos, yelling about the setlist, making stupid jokes. It felt like joy. I felt 17 again. I got so caught up in it that I went online and spent several hundred dollars on Oasis merch for me and my son. I didn’t even think about it. It just felt good. I didn't buy anything for my ex husband as that'd be inappropriate now, obviously. Apparently, while this was happening, his girlfriend had invited him to a 4th of July party. He said no - he wanted to stay home and watch the concert stream. We both abhor fireworks anyway. She asked who he was texting for hours. He didn’t answer. So she grabbed his phone, saw it was me, and threw it across the room. Then she left. I didn’t see it. I didn’t hear it. But my son did, which is how I learned about it. That’s what I keep circling back to - our son. He’s the reason I’ve kept this dynamic so healthy for so long. He's also the reason we got divorced. It wasn't his fault we divorced, but we decided to get divorced for his sake, because being around our fights and arguments was really bad for him. He’s the reason I’ve bitten my tongue more times than I can count. I don’t want him caught up in any of this adult drama. He deserves better than that. I’ve also started looking at other shows and flights so that if I can get tickets to other Oasis dates, my son and I can go just the two of us, ex-husband not invited. But we’ll still go to the one planned together. The truth is that I know I should probably be bad for being part of whatever caused her to throw his phone and storm out of the house, but secretly it made me kind of happy. I probably would have been ecstatic about it had I not been reminded about how I don't want my son dealing with all of us acting like toddlers. I've even thought about reaching out to her to try to explain that we weren't having any sort of inappropriate conversation, but I can't bring myself to do it. I guess there's still this part of me that wants to "win," but win what? Comments from Redditors u/gdude0000 I've read both your posts and seriously, there is being friendly and on good terms to be a good coparent and then there is emotionally enmeshing yourself with your ex. You both suck for not putting clear limits and boundaries to move the hell on and now this poor lady is dealing with an emotional affair from her boyfriend as you secretly feel good that he is still yours. Grow up, move on. You guys cannot be best friends. Friendly? Sure. Base level friends? Why not. Best friends that emotionally lean on each other while using your kid as a smokescreen to cover the emotional relationship you guys have? No. u/JarvanIVPrez Reminder that your son is not an adult yet and your little game you’re playing here with your ex that you definitely still love is absolutely going to have an immense effect on him even at that age. You read as incredibly self centered and immature, and you clearly care more about your own ego and personal feelings toward your ex than you do your son, or you’d be able to put your head away from being an actual homewrecker and finally move on. I know you don’t want advice, but I recommend therapy. OP’s downvoted reply I'd hardly say I was a homewrecker! Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS submitted by /u/HogwartsZoologist to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Accomplished-Cod8263 Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell Apparently we have to share our driveway because they have to share theirs. Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Trigger Warnings: destruction of property, manipulation, harassment, animal abuse Mood Spoilers: frustrating Original Post: August 18, 2025 We moved into my home when my daughter was 2 months old. Our neighbors were already showing signs of being a handful. They initially kept parking all of their vehicles (A huge truck, a jeep, and a motorcycle) on our driveway and taking up the entire space. We hoped that once they realized the driveway wasn't vacant and that someone had moved in that they would naturally stop. And they did sort of. The guy living next door kept driving down it on the motorcycle, and he would park it in the middle of the driveway still. Most of the time he was gone before my husband and I got home so there wasn't a confrontation. But when my husband had to deploy and I broke my leg our car sat vacant in the driveway, unmoving. As soon as the neighbors realized this they just started using it as if it were there own again. He even parked his truck and used our driveway to change out his lifted tires. This went on for three months until I was well enough to walk up the steps and talk to them. I'm 5'2, and this guy towers over me. I don't know how to explain it but everything about his body language tells me this guy is dangerous. The way he walks and moves and wears his clothes, he gives me time served in jail vibes (though he was probably somebodies bitch) or at the very least hothead. So I was nervous and polite but firm, I said "I need you to move your motorcycle off my driveway, this is not a shared space its private property." I hoped that would be the end of it. Of course it wasn't. He never really stopped. That wasn't the worst of it either. They live on the top unit of their house (its a condo), and leave their trashcan open at the bottom of their steps (same side as my driveway). They drop down the whole weeks worth of trash into the trashcan below, and don't bother to clean up the mess they make. Initially they left it open for the bugs and the animals to be attracted to. One day I came home with my daughter (while my husband was still deployed) and I got swarmed horror movies style by all the bugs from their trashcan. I was scared. I know its silly to be scared of bugs, but I was worried they would bite my daughter and they did. We both got inside covered in welts on our arms and the back of our necks and our faces. We both have over-reactive skin when we get bites so they become big, round, red welts. It wasn't the first time, but it was the worst. I decided to message the property manager. The whole property was trashed, and was the obvious cause of a lot of the mosquitos. They have a sign outside their house that says "managed by ..." I texted that number and let her know what was going on and sent pictures. It was a weekend, about 7 or 8am and I didn't know it wasn't a business number. The woman was extremely offended that I messaged her early and on a weekend. She seemed so angered by it that it was obvious she wasn't going to help, I asked her if I could have the landlords number. Big mistake. She isn't just managing the property she owns it- that's not what the sign outside said but that was enough to shut down all communication with her. She did mention it to my neighbors and they did start to close their trashcan lids but I could tell that however she worded it to them I was the problem and she didn't really care how much of a nuisance they were. She also included the downstairs neighbors, that had just moved in, in the text and from then on they gave me dirty looks too- I had specifically mentioned that I had not seen them contributing to the trash accumulation but it didn't really matter, I was making a name for myself with my neighbors and it wasn't good. Then the summer months came, and my husband came home, and the upstairs neighbors kids began playing outside more. Initially I had a soft spot for them. We don't live in a cul-de-sac and people drive fast down our street. I worried about them from far away and considered talking to the city to get permission to paint a hop-scotch pad out on the sidewalk out front and build a free library they could enjoy. There's a blind spot when you first turn into my driveway, and one day the kids were on it and I turned in. I was probably 10 feet away from them with my car, but it felt closer. Some of these kids are really small. When I got out of my car I asked them politely not to play in my driveway, that its not safe. They kind of got bashful, because they were little, and agreed and zipped off to the front of the houses. But from then on they ramped up. It was like we had become the boo-Radley of the neighborhood. They threw toys that hit our windows and doors, started walking up to our house in the dark and sitting on our back porch (like at 10pm). Then one day, encouraged by the eldest child who is 14, they broke a cinderblock with a sledgehammer and threw the pieces at our house and windows. The worst things always seemed to happen when my husband was away on the ship over night. Maybe they would see the car was gone and feel emboldened. I went outside and told the kids to get off my property or I would call the cops. The eldest said "Do it. What are they going to do? We're kids. Its a driveway, get over it". So, I called the cops. I had them properly tell the neighbors where the property line was and that we would start legal proceeding should they continue to trespass. I got more colorful no-trespassing signs at the recommendation of the officer. I did this three or so times and it became apparent that the police weren't really going to help. They said we had to file a civil case with the courthouse but couldn't tell us the names of the adults in the home for us to file the claim. Otherwise they said that unless the neighbors were actively on our property when they pulled up that they couldn't even issue a citation- even with video evidence from our cameras. I watched the children gather up the chunks of brick that they had thrown at our house, and they began to throw it at the downstairs neighbors dog. At first I saw them throwing it where the dog usually was, but I couldn't see if the dog was there and I hoped that he was away. But then one day I caught movement on my camera and I knew for sure that the dog was getting rocks thrown at it. I contacted animal control and they got ahold of the downstairs neighbors who weren't home at the time. The downstairs neighbor came over and I told her I wasn't trying to be a menace neighbor, that I don't hate kids, and that I had noticed her kid was the most well mannered of the bunch (which is true), and I showed her the video. We exchanged numbers. I wish I could say we found common ground and became friends or something but the woman has to live with those upstairs neighbors and I get the feeling she is just trying to stay in neutral ground (which I totally respect). The rocks stopped getting thrown at the dog, but we didn't talk much after that. She asked a few weeks later if I saw who stole her sons bike and I looked through my cameras and hadn't caught it. Otherwise we didn't talk. The kids would twerk or flip off our cameras and continue to trespass, the whole family was still littering all over the driveway, and the father intentionally revved his motorcycle as he would go down it every other day, sometimes inches from our vehicle. We scrimped and saved for a fence and once we had most of the materials, applied for a permit from the city. We were recently gifted a lawnmower and my husband has been spending more time doing yard work. Yesterday the man next door, blatantly went down the driveway while my husband was there. and narrowly missed him with his motorcycle (probably on purpose). Angry words ensued and the man got off his motorcycle (still parked in our driveway) and we finally found out his logic. The reason he feels entitled to our driveway. He said that its a driveway and he's not hurting it or us by going down it. My husband said he's breaking the law by trespassing and his kids have thrown rocks at our house- harm is being done. The man said that his kids throwing rocks and him going down our driveway are separate issues. My husband said you're a family, its not separate. Then the mans magnum opus of a statement, the reason he does what he does is because his landlord screwed him over and made him share the driveway with his downstairs neighbors so we should have to share ours. The man egged us to call the police. But at this point, we had the permit processed, we had the fence panels. My husband laughed at him and said we have our own solution. Que three or so hours later the man comes home to my husband putting up fence posts. They stand on their balcony as my husband works and whisper to each other but my husband can hear them. The man says "that f***er that's probably not even the correct line" and the woman says "it is" (because we have a survey and the police told them were the line was), The man says "its not even that big of a deal." The best part is. Its going to be a beautiful fence. My husbands initial gut reaction was to get a 6-footer but the city wouldn't allow us to take it all the way to the sidewalk. So we have these really nice gothic picket panels and some pretty cedar stain and seal. And they didn't have the gothic posts so we used 2x4s instead and we are going to put up really nice solar lights on them. We didn't put it directly on the property line, but we didn't leave them enough room to continue to bring their trashcan down our driveway, and the motorcycle most certainly won't fit. I already have the plants I want picked out to plant next year (we are pretty broke so they will have to wait). I don't think this is going to be solved by just putting up the fence. I wish it would be the end of it. But even though I hate confrontation, it was a relief to finally start working on a solution. It brings me joy to imagine them seething inside every time they look at our adorable gothic fence with adorable solar lights. I hope it is as frustrating to them as this whole unnecessary ordeal has been for us. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Make sure you've got cameras on the new fence, because now when they trash it that will be vandalism and destruction of property and even keystone cops like the ones you're dealing with here will pay attention to that (seriously why do cops lie about the "oh I have to SEE the trespassing with my own two little eyes, if a law isn't broken IN FRONT OF A COP then well it's like a tree falling in a forest, right?"). OOP: Fortunately our cameras go all the way down the driveway, we can see the whole thing. I was really surprised by the cops take we have video and pictures of the children literally mid throwing the rocks Commenter 2: Oh, hun. I’m so sorry to say this but you’ll be back. They’ll have their kids vandalize that fence within a week. Prepare for a civil suit. OOP: We knew that was a possibility when we made the choice to do the fence. They managed not to properly damage the walls or windows when they threw rocks (thank god). If they actually damage the fence we will have better legal grounds to press charges. Commenter 3: I am confused why you would be kind enough to let them use your driveway for their garbage can still? Wouldn’t it benefit you to make them move their garbage can away from your home and have to move it down their own driveway? OOP: We dont allow them too they just wouldn't stop. I kept calling the cops but the cops wouldn't do anything until I felt like I was being a nuisance for calling. They dont care when I tell them not to do it they just say "its not a big deal" and "its just a driveway". They literally dont care Commenter 4: The fact that you let it go on this long is partially your fault, no offense. Not that what they're doing isn't illegal and trashy. By continuing to let them get away with it and facing no consequences, they see no reason to stop. Vehicle in your driveway? Call a tow truck EVERY TIME you see this & get it removed asap. They'll be happy to make money off your neighbor trespassing. Don't even engage with these trashy neighbors. Property destroyed? Harassment? Call the police EVERY TIME WITH DOCUMENTATION. Keep the cameras up and keep ALL recordings. OOP: We have been calling and documenting. The cops won't cite them because they are already off the property by the time the cops arrive. I have a binder we keep the printed out images with dates and records of every incident Commenter 5: Your husband should meet with Base Legal Services about this continuing harassment. They won't look too kindly on neighbors being threatening while your husband is deployed. They can write a cease and desist letter to the neighbors. Won't cost you anything. OOP: Fortunately my husband has returned from deployment. We wanted to file for a cease and desist with the county but they need the names of our neighbors and we dont know them. I've tried every way to get them. The cops couldnt tell me, and we have their license plates but those dont tell me either. They aren't on the property records of the house because they dont own. And the landlord already dislikes me Commenter 6: If you rent, consider yourself lucky and move. If not, bite the bullet and sell. These people will be a constant nuisance for years. You do not want to be around those kids when they all become teenagers, as you can see by the 14 year old’s behavior. They are learning to be delinquents by behaving like their parents. If moving is not an option, you need an access gate on your driveway in addition to the fence. OOP: We own, but ive talked to my husband about selling once we get his next set of orders. Its so sad this city and our home is so beautiful (its in a historic district), and if it weren't for this one family we would be so happy here. Its the kind of community where people sit outside in the evening and play with their kids. OOP's location OOP: Virginia   Update #1: August 20, 2025 (two days later) Small update: Apparently we have to share our driveway because they have to share theirs. So its been 3 days since we started building the fence. My husband has gotten three posts in (hes working on it between weather, work, and a toddler so its going slow). We contacted the bottom neighbor and let them know that they will want to move a riding lawn mower that will get locked in place by the fence and they are working on it (it has a dead battery). And -drumroll please- the wife of the upstairs neighbors actually asked us if it was okay for her kid to take his trashcan down the driveway this one last time (he couldnt do it without asking because we had a line up between the completed posts). I know thats not a huge victory but it is the literal first time anyone from that family has asked anything or even been a little polite. My husband allowed it, stating the fence will be up before they can bring the trashcan back so they will want to plan for that. It benefits us in our fence building for the trash can to be removed from its location anyway because its been butting against the property line. I know its not the blood your looking for, but I see it as a hopeful sign. Maybe this last act of grace will soothe some of their resentments so the war can end (if not, we are still on our toes). I'll post a picture once the fence is up and update if we get any retaliation from hot-head dad and juvenile delinquent son. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Makes me wonder if the wife wasnt as terrible but the husband is one of those "alpha male" stereotypes. (Also noticed on your other post you are going to plant things. Check out sales this time of year! If you give the plants enough water they'll survive and you can get some amazing deals! Like 5 dollars per plant when its usually about 20 dollars.) Commenter 2: Yeah. In the other post, she told her smart-ass husband he was wrong in assuming they weren't building the fence on their property line. Sounds like she might be a lot more civil than the rest of her family. OOP: I think she is. Shes always told her kids not to do what their doing but it goes like this: Mom: do you want the neighbors to call the cops on us? Don't throw rocks at their house. Kid: we aren't hurting anything mom goes inside, kid doesnt skip a beat and continues to throw rocks Commenter 2: I’ve read both posts and I’m having trouble visualizing all this, is there any way to get a diagram of how all these neighbors NEED access to your driveway and can’t take their trash or mower out without it? 🤣 OOP: They dont need access at all. But supposedly the upstairs neighbor kid is afraid of the downstairs neighbor dog (cant imagine why seeing as he was throwing rocks at the poor thing) and didnt want to cross the dogs path to put the trashcan out. It was news to me but she mentioned it when she asked my husband to let the boy do it one last time. Theoretically they will now move their trash to their own driveway and not have to pass the dog at all. So still not our problem going forward. Commenter 3: I know you said the plants will have to wait until next year, but check out Facebook Marketplace. A lot of people give plants away for free or just a few dollars. OOP: I will! I would really love some plants, it would really bring me so much joy to get something growing!   Update #2: August 25, 2025 (five days later) Update 2: Apparently we have to share our driveway because they have to share theirs. I'll post links if I remember later, to the previous posts, I usually post on my mobile. I am so tired of this situation. Jfc. We were trying to be courteous to the downstairs neighbor and we gave them a weeks notice that the placement of our posts and pannels will lock their riding lawnmower in place. They are not the tennants that we've had huge problems with. Their child and their dog walker have trespassed on our property though as well. I have no idea how a house in the middle of a through street ends up becoming the neighborhood alleyway. Anyway. I gave them notice a week ago about the fence and gave them time to move their lawnmower. Initially the guy came out and tried to move it but the battery was dead. He said he needed a couple days to get a new battery. By a few days later, they arent really communicating and when i message saying my husband wants to complete the posts by the following day the woman says that its not a priority for her because she's dealing with a recent miscarriage and that her partner is working on it. Now he got the battery and managed to turn it on but he still hasnt moved the lawnmower. He has left jumper cables and a gas can next to it indicating work. it is two days after he managed to turn it on and the guy sat outside cooking burgers yesterday and didnt work on it at all. Neither of them have told me what the hold up is with moving the thing mechanically. I'm 5 months pregnant, I really empathize with her loss. But am I wrong for wondering why they havent just popped that mower into neutral and pushed it? I know a few of you said ive been a doormat and you arent wrong- ive been very passive hoping to resolve things amicably and without having to resort to a fence i couldn't really afford. But I am beyond frustrated with this ongoing situation. So tell me, how much longer should we wait before we put the post in behind the lawnmower? I don't want two families retaliating against me if possible. But I really want this project to keep moving forward. As for the other neighbors they have started respecting the line, and they moved their trash cans to the other side of their house (shocker). Im still wary but its nice to see some progress. Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: Is the mower in your yard? If not, how would it get fenced in? If so, why? OOP: There is an l-shaped space under their second floor (hard to explain) that they have placed it in. It conveniently fits next to the houses ac unit and a set of stairs to the second floor. Its on their property, but to back it out and remove it from thst space they have to ride it down our driveway. Commenter 2: You already gave them the deadline. Stick to it. They are walking over you because they think you will let them. Commenter 3: You don't wait. They're dragging it out so you don't put the fence up. They know as soon as it's moved the fence goes up. They're banking on the fact that if you can see it, you won't do the fence. Screw them, they had notice, if he had time to grill he had time to move it. Just put up the fence and they can deal with their own laziness themselves. Commenter 4: You send them a certified letter stating that they were told on X date about the posts and asked to move their mower. It has been two weeks, and the mower is still in the same spot. Tell them that on X date the posts will be placed regardless of whether or not the mower has been moved and that you are not responsible if they fail to move it by that date.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/EffYouJenny Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRUs: #1 [New Update]: AITAH for leaving one of my brother’s kids out of a trip but taking the rest? NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for more space in this latest BoRU Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, child abandonment/neglect, emotional abuse and manipulation, favoritism, financial abuse, controlling behavior Mood Spoilers: infuriating and sad RECAP Original Post: July 24, 2025 So long story short, I (35f) live and work abroad but am from the midwest. I grew up with my brother Jason (43m) and our parents (70s). We were working class, had what we needed but not well-off by any means. When I was in high school Jason married Tiffany (40f), who is and was and will always be a mess of a person, heavy drinker, partier, god knows whatever else, but she was hot and my brother is a dweeb to put it nicely. They had Jace (19m), Jeff (17m), and Hannah (12f). Their marriage broke down before Hannah was born, they tried working it out but ultimately got divorced. Jason started dating Jenny (43f) while splitting custody of the kids with Tiffany 50-50. Since Tiff had been a SAHM she received child support and alimony, and my brother worked a lot. I liked Jenny at first, she wasn't a complete smokeshow like Tiff but she was kind, had a good job, and was well-educated. I thought, much better match. At first, I know Jenny was upset that the kids didn't immediately love her and call her mom when they were there, and the divorce was hard on them. got pregnant somewhat fast with Daisy (10f) and they got married. Around this time, the older kids started refusing to go back to Tiff's, she was always drinking and having guys around, so all three moved in full-time with Jason and Jenny and Tiff left town and is no longer in the kids' lives. I tried being understanding, I'm sure having a newborn and then three older kids full-time is difficult. But Jenny completely changed. She stopped working, but declared she was only a SAHM to HER kid. Jason was working 70+ hours to make ends meet AND her parents were helping them out, but she controls the finances. This means that the three of them (Jason, Jenny, and Daisy) operate as a family unit, going to dinners, events, even vacations and leaving the older three kids at home. I have always thought this was disgusting and voiced my opinion about it, but Jason just said his divorce broke him emotionally and he will do anything possible to keep Jenny happy so that their marriage works out. Gross, yes. And 10 years ago to be frank I was younger, broker, and dumber so it was kind of more like 'yes my brother fucking sucks as a dad but I live on another continent and all i can do is be supportive of the kids.' I know, not a great attitude in retrospect and I'm disappointed in myself. I really did my best, when they refused to pay for Jace to learn how to drive (even though Jenny refused to drive the kids anywhere), my mom taught him and I bought him a used car. We had to shame Jason to put him on his insurance, and he makes Jace pay for it. Same with Jeff - they share the car and use it for their activities and Hannah's. My wife (an only child and we don't want children) have the three of them as our sole beneficiaries in our will, something we did when we found out that Jenny and Jason plan to leave them only the bare minimum amount, everything goes to Daisy. Also, after we got married my wife (6 years ago) and I decided that we would start taking the older kids on annual trips with us when we went to the US. Nothing FANCY (we might be childfree but we're not billionaires or anything, just well-off), but things like a week in Florida, Utah, California, things like that. They're very outdoorsy kids so they've had a blast every year, and we plan it when my brother takes Jenny and Daisy on trips, so they don't care. Normally we vacation in the summer, but Jace got an internship this summer so we decided to move our trip to the fall and are going to Maine (LEAVES!!!). I let Jason know the dates (they're in line with their fall breaks no worries) and he basically said we need to start including Daisy. Jenny's parents made some bad investments, they're fine but aren't helping them out anymore and Jenny is looking for a job, but since her parents had always paid for their trips they can't go on one this year. So, even if all was fair, I wouldn't want to take Daisy on a trip. This is going to shock you with parents like that and I feel so bad saying this about a child but Daisy is a HUGE brat, spoiled, mean, and constantly bragging about the things she gets that her siblings don't. She once told me they weren't her siblings, they were 'Tiffany's kids.' She throws toddler level tantrums on holidays if she doesn't get as much AND MORE as the other kids, tells my wife and I we are going to hell (edit: I now feel bad for including this. She said it about five years ago a few times and when Jenny was told it was about the only time I’ve ever seen her discipline Daisy. I guess she’d heard it from Jenny’s aunt, but it was hurtful and hard to forget with everything else), and since Jenny waits on her hand and foot she's a total slob. I feel bad saying all this, I hope when she grows up she grows out of it. But there is no way I'd want to take her on a vacation. So I told him I didn't think we'd be able to handle all four kids and we'd just go the five of us. He said Jenny could come to help out (absolutely not) or our mom could go (love her but she's getting a freaking HIP REPLACEMENT next month and does NOT want to go). Plus the car we'd need for all these people on a road trip would be stupid, we'd probably need 2, and you know what? I don't want to! Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you all, this is getting long. I was worried Jason would not let me take the other kids on the trip, but they decided to go the route of shaming us online. Obviously its working with their friends and her family, but even my dad told me to stick to my guns. But, my wife came to me the other day and basically said, are we even better than Jenny if we're favoring some kids over another just because we don't like their mom? Before we were evening things out, but now we're obviously favoring the oldest. She told me to think of the long-term health of my family and our relationships. She said that it's my family, my decision, but wants me to think about it. My gut is saying just take the older three, but Daisy is only 10, she's not too blame. Would it make me an evil aunt to leave her out? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs and few others   Update #1: August 4, 2025 (11 days later) Hey guys, I posted about a week ago and a lot of people asked for updates but things have gotten yucky. A quick thing, Daisy is not constantly some veruca salt-esque monster child. She can be a brat but she is also funny and caring, she’s the only grandchild who has stuck with the church choir that my mom runs even though I don’t think she loves it, always calls my wife and I on our birthdays, and when their dog was too old to go upstairs she brought her mattress downstairs and slept next to her every night before she passed away so she wouldn’t be lonely. People aren’t cartoon villains and please stop attacking a ten year old. Sorry I didn’t reply to direct messages, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I don’t know if that account people were messaging me was Jenny’s and honestly it wouldn’t change anything. I did change some small things for anonymity, and it would be a shame if there more than one person out there like her. Finally, just a reminder that I live half the world (a 15 hour min plane ride) away. I can’t just pop over and there are time zone issues. I also do well for myself but don’t have unlimited money. So stop telling me to take Daisy on “trial trips” and buy a 4 bedroom house for the oldest three to live in lol. And keep in mind, I live in remote, mostly rural areas, not bustling metropolises with vibrant expat communities and international schools. It’s the nature of my job, I’ve worked hard for it, and it’s not conducive to having kids/ young adults living with me. I’m not a messy person and I don’t do social media drama, so I’ve been ignoring Jenny and Jason’s little vaguebooking campaign, and honestly I wasn’t even going to update until I got some background information but basically I got a call from my brother last weekend and it was Daisy crying and telling me she would be good and she’s sorry for being bad and she wants to go on the trip and promising she’ll be quiet and not say anything rude. It was dark, she was saying she was going to find a way to show me and my wife and her parents she was good and not a bad person and everything would be ok. I tried calming her down, I assured her that both her aunts love her very much and don’t think she is bad person at all. My brother took the phone and was just like see what you’ve done and hung up. I tried calling back, he didn’t answer, I texted my mom as well as Jace and Jeff to see what was going on. And of course I wake up and there’s a post about how cruel people can be to innocent children. Anyways, between my mom and Jeff I got some more background info - I don’t know where all their money goes or what kind of bath her parents took but their financial situation is bad. As in asking my fixed / low income parents for money for daisy’s tuition bad. Obviously they couldn’t help them and I guess Jenny and my brother had told Daisy she was going to have to pick between vacation and her school, and she picked her school, but since it’s taken Jenny longer than they expected to find a job they can no longer swing that either. I know you all think she’s a little demon but my heart broke for her with that. (And yes I am not getting into it I’ll rage for too long but yes the older three have always gone to public school… I do think it was Jenny’s parents paying the tuition, though) And according to Jeff, Daisy is getting older and having more of her own opinions and Jenny doesn’t like that. When she found out she couldn’t go back to her school she asked about a trip, and when my brother told Jenny I’d said no she told Daisy she couldn’t go because she was bad. Heartbreaking, and just generally A+ parenting all around. I don’t think this is the end of all of this. Jeff needs to be more discreet but told me Jenny was losing it because of ‘Botox and ozempic withdrawal.’ He did say the house wasn’t as bad as you’d think, she mostly ignores them and has continued that. He works and Hannah has spent most the summer at her best friend’s house. Also one quick thing I know everyone is worried about my nephews and niece and think they live horrible, miserable lives and this vacation is the only bright spot of the year. Yes their lives are completely unfair and I feel awfully for them but they are happy kids. From what Jace has told me, since she had Daisy they’ve always kind of just treated Jenny like an eccentric roommate that their dweeb of a dad is sleeping with. They’re not all rude and screaming at one another, more polite indifference. They also do care a lot about Daisy, and would never ask me to leave her at home. It’s me that doesn’t want to bring her, because she needs a parent with her and as dril would say I would face God and walk backwards into hell before I ever invited, much less paid for, Jenny to come with us.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Update #2: August 14, 2025 (10 days later) Update: AITAH for leaving one of my brothers kids out of a trip but taking the rest? Hey everyone. I don't know why I'm updating with this, but things have gotten pretty nuts. I wasn't even going to update until after the trip (which is still a GO with JUST the five of us and will stay that way), but it's just a full on circus now. Unfortunately, my brother and Jenny have not changed one bit, and there have been multiple instances since my last post alone that they have shown their preference to Daisy over the other three. I said before I don't do social media drama. Or drama in general, but especially in public. So I have been ignoring Jenny's little vaguebooking campaign, but like I said, she had family and friends supporting her on it. Except one cousin, who messaged me a few days ago and asked for a call. I reminded her (and just reminding you all before you start asking me why I don't do short trips with Daisy!) that I live very far away in a different timezone so we set up a time to facetime. Honestly, I kind of remember this woman, but not really. She and Jenny aren't close but she was at some pre-baby events. And it turns out Jenny and Jason have been lying to my family about their money issues. Jenny's parents (she's an only child) have not gone broke, in fact they're doing fine (they are one of the few older people who weren't sucked into facebook btw, lucky for her while my mom is sharing slop with me on the daily but i still love her). They cut Jenny off! She's simply been lying to everyone - including my parents! and saying that her parents wish they could still help but they can't. They told her months ago the money stream was over. Why now? So the story goes that a few years back, Jenny complained to my mom that she had a "16 year sentence" with "Tiffany's kids" and even the boys leaving at 18 wouldn't matter since Hannah was only a few years older than Daisy. My mom apparently said something along the lines of 'anyone would be lucky to have Hannah in the house, if she's affecting your marriage so much she can live with us.' It was kind of a snarky comment from mom, but apparently Jenny held onto it like a prayer. When my oldest nephew Jace graduated from high school last year, he was told he couldn't keep living there, and they've already told my middle nephew Jeff the same. Jenny's parents very rarely see the older kids since Jason and Jenny don't bring them when they visit and her parents don't travel much and don't like coming to my hometown. So according to the cousin, they weren't fully aware of the issues, and were under the assumption that the older three preferred spending the time that my brother and his 2nd wife and daughter visit them with my parents, which they respected. But APPARENTLY Jenny basically had been yapping to them and let it slip out how in just over a year she'd have her life back and her stepkids would be out of the house. Her parents asked, what about Hannah? And she told them that my parents WANT to raise Hannah because they know how it's affecting her marriage. That didn't sit right with Jenny's mom (call her Pam), so she called my mom after they left, they aren't close or anything but do talk every now and again. My mom was so confused by what she was saying, they are on a fixed income and have only a 2 bedroom place now, of course if they needed to, the kids could stay with them but it's not ideal. So (and remember this is MONTHS ago) Pam thought maybe she misheard, but my mom let it slip that Jace already stays with them when he comes back from school, and Pam was confused about why he wouldn't stay at my brother's. When my mom told her they kicked him out, Pam was like oh wow that's crazy and the conversation ended (to my mom). BUT apparently (this is all hearsay obviously) Pam called Jenny up and told her, how dare you take our money at your age while telling an 18 year old they're an adult and to figure it out?! I don't know how the call went but it ended with Pam and her husband completely cutting Jenny and Jason off financially. Her cousin said they were sending them TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars a year and GET THIS - they truly didn't know about the inequality. I didn't believe the cousin at this, how could they not know? She says that while her parents love her, Jenny is not close with them and had basically lied, saying that MY parents (who again have never had a lot of money and are now on a fixed income) and I were spoiling the oldest three and ignoring Daisy. Even before I was taking them on trips, she'd make up vacations they were on for why they 'couldn't' go on trips with them. Jenny told them I was paying for them to attend the private school that Daisy was attending - when Pam did some digging and found out Jace did NOT graduate from that private school, she cut off paying tuition for it (she was going to continue that). Apparently she refuses to take her daughter's calls, and is refusing to listen to family members defending Jenny. These family members supporting her (a few aunts and their kids) already have beef with Pam over money, and they are supporting Jenny. So, I know she had talked to my mom but I had to ask if Pam even knows the half of all of it? I told the cousin a few things, and she seemed shocked, and asked if Pam could call me. I told her definitely and the next day she did - we've spoken before obviously, but she's a pretty introverted woman so I wasn't sure what to expect. But she just seemed exhausted. She acknowledged that Jenny was the result of her parenting failures, but says she was always a difficult child. I was like, girl she's over 40, childhood has BEEN over. She laughed at that and apologized about everything I've had to do for my oldest niblings, I assured her that I WANTED to do things for them but I appreciate the apology. She said she will be setting the record straight with her family members. Unfortunately for them, Jenny and Jason's little 'nuclear family' life they've been LARPing for the last few years is over. Her parents will no longer be funding them. Jenny has gotten a job but a decade out of the workforce really screwed her over. I feel bad for Daisy, but hopefully things will have to be more equal over there. Obviously this isn't over, and my parents and I are going to be keeping a close eye on everything and open communication with the kids, but I can't say I feel bad for Jenny and Jason. Relevant Comments OOP on the possibilities of her nephews and niece going NC with their father, Jason, after they become 18 OOP: Yup. I used to tell him, you either raise your kids or you’ll be raising your grandkids and at this point I’m pretty sure for homeboy it’ll be neither bc they’ll be no contact Commenter 1: If she treated them bad before it will be wayyy worse now. She will blame them for money train stopping. She won't buy clothes etc for them or school needs. She even sounds like the kind of cu next Tuesday that would partially starve the kids. Like you eat at school that's all you need. OOP: They know they can always reach out to me or my parents if anything gets like that, they’re not afraid of her or anything. We’ll make sure they are taken care of, but I can definitely see her spending what money they have on Daisy and making the others get hand me down or Walmart clothes Commenter 2: Even though Daisy is just a child, I struggle to empathise with her and her circumstances. On the other hand, I have deep pity for the older children who are neglected and treated as if they are worthless. I wish for a special place in hell for Jenny, your brother, and all those who have supported their actions, as this situation is truly appalling and unsettling. It's even more unsettling to hear that nobody tried to advocate for those poor children. OOP: I mean I feel bad for Daisy, none of this is her fault but she was getting the benefits and those are now gone. She’s only 10, hopefully she can overcome this. Commenter 3: NTA. Be wary that, with the reduction in income in your brother's house, and the fact that this happened because of the treatment she gives your niblings, she won't mistreat the ones that are still living there even more, or neglect them on purpose taking resources away from them to fund her lifestyle. She sounds like she is totally capable of blaming this on the kids and starting to financially abuse them in order to get back what she feels they "took". It would be so ideal if your niblings could just live with you or their grandparents. With how much your devilish SIL hates them and how little your brother cares, can't she just send the younger ones to live with you or their grandparents? I know not everyone can take children in. But struggling with you would hurt them less than being actively neglected daily. Why doesn't he just let any of you take custody, or at least send them to live with you while having custody of them on paper? OOP: My parents have a 2bd, are on a fixed income, so they cannot take the kids. I’m sure if they could they would That being said, my mom is there in person and has already said it won’t take much for her to make a call to children’s services if she sees anything negligent. She’s tried before and none of it was criminal but I also agree it could get worse now. OOP on locking down the credit cards especially with Jace, the oldest OOP: Yup! I have walked Jace through how to lock his credit and he’s going to see what he can do about the minors. One of the first things I did. Commenter 4: Absolutely NTA, this might even be good for Daisy in a "you'll thank me later" kind of way; if she ever develops a sense of self awareness or compassion for others. Children that are spoiled and favored grow up to be the worst, most entitled people ever, and Daisy is literally a Karen-in-training the way things are going for her. Also, if I were me, I wouldn't wait till Hannah is 18 to cut Jenny and Jason out of your life. If you're in the US Hannah can get emancipated at 16 and move out of there, which might be necessary at that point cuz Daisy is 100% going to be her bully if she isn't already. Best of luck to you! OOP: The sad thing is, I think Jason knows that the second Hannah turns 18 he’s going to be alone with Jenny and Daisy. Again, we love Daisy, my but mom and I are in agreement that being able to see her isn’t worth having her parents in our lives. It’s very likely we don’t see her again, but it will be worth it to not have to ever be in the same room as her parents. The worst part is that if they had just been good people, they would have great lives and I’d be willing to split everything four ways instead of three. Oh well. It’s a shame for Daisy but after all of this I can’t be bothered to care. Of course I’ll always be there for her if she needs me, but her parents are so nasty and after everything, my mom and I have agreed we need to focus on the older three. She’s DONE helping Jenny.   Latest Update here: BoRU #3   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/EffYouJenny Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH for leaving one of my brother’s kids out of a trip but taking the rest? Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, child abandonment/neglect, emotional abuse and manipulation, favoritism, mentions of financial abuse, controlling behavior Mood Spoilers: infuriating and sad Original Post: July 24, 2025 So long story short, I (35f) live and work abroad but am from the midwest. I grew up with my brother Jason (43m) and our parents (70s). We were working class, had what we needed but not well-off by any means. When I was in high school Jason married Tiffany (40f), who is and was and will always be a mess of a person, heavy drinker, partier, god knows whatever else, but she was hot and my brother is a dweeb to put it nicely. They had Jace (19m), Jeff (17m), and Hannah (12f). Their marriage broke down before Hannah was born, they tried working it out but ultimately got divorced. Jason started dating Jenny (43f) while splitting custody of the kids with Tiffany 50-50. Since Tiff had been a SAHM she received child support and alimony, and my brother worked a lot. I liked Jenny at first, she wasn't a complete smokeshow like Tiff but she was kind, had a good job, and was well-educated. I thought, much better match. At first, I know Jenny was upset that the kids didn't immediately love her and call her mom when they were there, and the divorce was hard on them. got pregnant somewhat fast with Daisy (10f) and they got married. Around this time, the older kids started refusing to go back to Tiff's, she was always drinking and having guys around, so all three moved in full-time with Jason and Jenny and Tiff left town and is no longer in the kids' lives. I tried being understanding, I'm sure having a newborn and then three older kids full-time is difficult. But Jenny completely changed. She stopped working, but declared she was only a SAHM to HER kid. Jason was working 70+ hours to make ends meet AND her parents were helping them out, but she controls the finances. This means that the three of them (Jason, Jenny, and Daisy) operate as a family unit, going to dinners, events, even vacations and leaving the older three kids at home. I have always thought this was disgusting and voiced my opinion about it, but Jason just said his divorce broke him emotionally and he will do anything possible to keep Jenny happy so that their marriage works out. Gross, yes. And 10 years ago to be frank I was younger, broker, and dumber so it was kind of more like 'yes my brother fucking sucks as a dad but I live on another continent and all i can do is be supportive of the kids.' I know, not a great attitude in retrospect and I'm disappointed in myself. I really did my best, when they refused to pay for Jace to learn how to drive (even though Jenny refused to drive the kids anywhere), my mom taught him and I bought him a used car. We had to shame Jason to put him on his insurance, and he makes Jace pay for it. Same with Jeff - they share the car and use it for their activities and Hannah's. My wife (an only child and we don't want children) have the three of them as our sole beneficiaries in our will, something we did when we found out that Jenny and Jason plan to leave them only the bare minimum amount, everything goes to Daisy. Also, after we got married my wife (6 years ago) and I decided that we would start taking the older kids on annual trips with us when we went to the US. Nothing FANCY (we might be childfree but we're not billionaires or anything, just well-off), but things like a week in Florida, Utah, California, things like that. They're very outdoorsy kids so they've had a blast every year, and we plan it when my brother takes Jenny and Daisy on trips, so they don't care. Normally we vacation in the summer, but Jace got an internship this summer so we decided to move our trip to the fall and are going to Maine (LEAVES!!!). I let Jason know the dates (they're in line with their fall breaks no worries) and he basically said we need to start including Daisy. Jenny's parents made some bad investments, they're fine but aren't helping them out anymore and Jenny is looking for a job, but since her parents had always paid for their trips they can't go on one this year. So, even if all was fair, I wouldn't want to take Daisy on a trip. This is going to shock you with parents like that and I feel so bad saying this about a child but Daisy is a HUGE brat, spoiled, mean, and constantly bragging about the things she gets that her siblings don't. She once told me they weren't her siblings, they were 'Tiffany's kids.' She throws toddler level tantrums on holidays if she doesn't get as much AND MORE as the other kids, tells my wife and I we are going to hell (edit: I now feel bad for including this. She said it about five years ago a few times and when Jenny was told it was about the only time I’ve ever seen her discipline Daisy. I guess she’d heard it from Jenny’s aunt, but it was hurtful and hard to forget with everything else), and since Jenny waits on her hand and foot she's a total slob. I feel bad saying all this, I hope when she grows up she grows out of it. But there is no way I'd want to take her on a vacation. So I told him I didn't think we'd be able to handle all four kids and we'd just go the five of us. He said Jenny could come to help out (absolutely not) or our mom could go (love her but she's getting a freaking HIP REPLACEMENT next month and does NOT want to go). Plus the car we'd need for all these people on a road trip would be stupid, we'd probably need 2, and you know what? I don't want to! Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you all, this is getting long. I was worried Jason would not let me take the other kids on the trip, but they decided to go the route of shaming us online. Obviously its working with their friends and her family, but even my dad told me to stick to my guns. But, my wife came to me the other day and basically said, are we even better than Jenny if we're favoring some kids over another just because we don't like their mom? Before we were evening things out, but now we're obviously favoring the oldest. She told me to think of the long-term health of my family and our relationships. She said that it's my family, my decision, but wants me to think about it. My gut is saying just take the older three, but Daisy is only 10, she's not too blame. Would it make me an evil aunt to leave her out? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs and few others Relevant Comments Downvoted Commenter: YTA. You said take the older kids on annual trips. 12 and 10 is not a big enough difference. If you did it once for a small trip because one had plans. That's one thing. But every year excluding one kid that is not even that much younger then another. That's really evil. OOP: I think you are confused. We took the older three on vacations the same weeks that Jason and Jenny would take Daisy on a trip. This was after 3 years old them leaving the older kids home/ with my parents while they took Daisy on vacation. It is only this year Daisy wouldn’t be going on a trip while the e older ones will. Commenter 1: Your family is already broken. Mostly because of your brother’s idiotic choices and his wife’s selfishness. No, taking only 3 of 4 kids is not great but you’re already up to your neck in horrid thanks to other people’s actions. Do the older kids plan on keeping dear old dad and the evil stepmother in their lives when they become adults? How much contact would you actually have with bro, his lazy wife and their spawn if you weren’t looking out for the older niblings? Your parents seem to be siding with you and the older kids as well, what are their thoughts on the situation? You need to start thinking now about what you want for your family and what you’re likely to actually have. Start putting your time and focus on that. NTA for choosing the older kids and not the brat. Maybe fight fire with fire and start publicly shaming bro & co for how they’ve treated his kids over the last 10 years. Or at least threaten to. OOP: After Jace left for college Jason made him give him his house key and told him he needed to stay elsewhere going forward. So over breaks he’s been staying with my parents and has very little contact with Jason. Since that’s probably what’s going to happen to Jeff next year, my wife and I have talked about buying a condo to stay in when we’re in town (around 2 months out of the year) since my parents place is so small we normally Airbnb it but that company sucks now lol. And pay Jace/ Jeff to ‘house sit’ (Jace is at college but Jeff wants to do a trade so will likely stay in town, but I cannot ask an 18 year old to pay rent that’s crazy). But yes if Jace is any indication they won’t be too much in contact with Jason when they are adults. Once Hannah isn’t living with them my contact with Jason will be as low as possible, just about our parents. My mom and dad are complicated, Jenny threatens that if they don’t give Daisy the ‘best attention’ they can’t see any of them. Idk what that means, it’s just from this insane text she sent mom. And they do love Daisy, so they put up with them so they can see their grandkids. They have said basically Jason has a bad picker but is a hard worker idk. Commenter 2: The parents of the 3 kids are the AH first. Jenny seems to have morphed into one too. So I would say stick to your guns and take the 3 kids (exclude Daisy/ Jenny). You dont owe anyone any explanation. Just book the trip and leave. Your wife is very kind. OOP: Yes, my parents are old school Catholics and weren’t great when I first came out, but have come around and once my mom had a bit too much wine and (almost annoyingly) made clear to my wife that she was the best daughter in law no questions asked. Commenter 3: NTA, those poor kids deserve any and all time that they can get away from their awful family. Why hasn't anyone else offered to take them. I feel like the stepmonster would JUMP at the chance to get rid of them and frankly she should have been reported for abuse ages ago. This is ridiculous. OOP: So none of its abuse in the legal sense. My mom was a teacher and a mandated reporter and looked into it years ago. They’ve always stayed on the side of asshole and not criminal per our states laws. OOP provides an excuse of Daisy following rules and directions from other people than Jason and Jenny OOP: I agree that she’s 10 and a product of her parents, but my mom really has tried with her. Last month she was over while Jenny was at an interview and when she tried telling Daisy to put more sunscreen on and Daisy locked her out of the house (nobody else was home). My mom isn’t allowed to discipline her and when Jenny got home she tore into mom for endangering her child because she was inside alone. I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole. Commenter 4: NTA...but your brother is a giant one. He's giving up his oldest kids for his wife and their child. Why hasn't anyone sat him down and told him flat out he's being a crappy father to the oldest and even the youngest. His oldest will end up resenting him and the youngest is not going to be able to function as an adult. He needs to be told he's a failure at parenting and doing anything to make his marriage work is the worst thing he can do. His wife is obviously using his weakness to extremes, she's a bad person too. Tell them no, the youngest isn't allowed because she's a terrible brat because of the way they've failed her and there are consequences for that. OOP: He’s been told all of this, many times by me, my mom, even my dad. He doesn’t care and says he’ll do anything to make Jenny happy because he couldn’t live with himself for having another ‘failed family’. Idk how you even respond to that. OOP on her brother having a relationship with his children once they are 18 and out of the house and showing respect to Jenny OOP: He is a dweeb, and I’ve said all of this to him. He says he doesn’t care if they don’t have a relationship in the future, they should have been nicer to his wife and she’s his priority. Has OOP considered about doing small day trips with Daisy and discipline her? OOP: I live on a different continent so when I come back it’s mostly for my parents, wife’s fam, or the trips. So it’s not easy to take a day trip with them, and since nobody is allowed to discipline Daisy except Jenny it sounds awful   Update: August 4, 2025 (11 days later) Hey guys, I posted about a week ago and a lot of people asked for updates but things have gotten yucky. A quick thing, Daisy is not constantly some veruca salt-esque monster child. She can be a brat but she is also funny and caring, she’s the only grandchild who has stuck with the church choir that my mom runs even though I don’t think she loves it, always calls my wife and I on our birthdays, and when their dog was too old to go upstairs she brought her mattress downstairs and slept next to her every night before she passed away so she wouldn’t be lonely. People aren’t cartoon villains and please stop attacking a ten year old. Sorry I didn’t reply to direct messages, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I don’t know if that account people were messaging me was Jenny’s and honestly it wouldn’t change anything. I did change some small things for anonymity, and it would be a shame if there more than one person out there like her. Finally, just a reminder that I live half the world (a 15 hour min plane ride) away. I can’t just pop over and there are time zone issues. I also do well for myself but don’t have unlimited money. So stop telling me to take Daisy on “trial trips” and buy a 4 bedroom house for the oldest three to live in lol. And keep in mind, I live in remote, mostly rural areas, not bustling metropolises with vibrant expat communities and international schools. It’s the nature of my job, I’ve worked hard for it, and it’s not conducive to having kids/ young adults living with me. I’m not a messy person and I don’t do social media drama, so I’ve been ignoring Jenny and Jason’s little vaguebooking campaign, and honestly I wasn’t even going to update until I got some background information but basically I got a call from my brother last weekend and it was Daisy crying and telling me she would be good and she’s sorry for being bad and she wants to go on the trip and promising she’ll be quiet and not say anything rude. It was dark, she was saying she was going to find a way to show me and my wife and her parents she was good and not a bad person and everything would be ok. I tried calming her down, I assured her that both her aunts love her very much and don’t think she is bad person at all. My brother took the phone and was just like see what you’ve done and hung up. I tried calling back, he didn’t answer, I texted my mom as well as Jace and Jeff to see what was going on. And of course I wake up and there’s a post about how cruel people can be to innocent children. Anyways, between my mom and Jeff I got some more background info - I don’t know where all their money goes or what kind of bath her parents took but their financial situation is bad. As in asking my fixed / low income parents for money for daisy’s tuition bad. Obviously they couldn’t help them and I guess Jenny and my brother had told Daisy she was going to have to pick between vacation and her school, and she picked her school, but since it’s taken Jenny longer than they expected to find a job they can no longer swing that either. I know you all think she’s a little demon but my heart broke for her with that. (And yes I am not getting into it I’ll rage for too long but yes the older three have always gone to public school… I do think it was Jenny’s parents paying the tuition, though) And according to Jeff, Daisy is getting older and having more of her own opinions and Jenny doesn’t like that. When she found out she couldn’t go back to her school she asked about a trip, and when my brother told Jenny I’d said no she told Daisy she couldn’t go because she was bad. Heartbreaking, and just generally A+ parenting all around. I don’t think this is the end of all of this. Jeff needs to be more discreet but told me Jenny was losing it because of ‘Botox and ozempic withdrawal.’ He did say the house wasn’t as bad as you’d think, she mostly ignores them and has continued that. He works and Hannah has spent most the summer at her best friend’s house. Also one quick thing I know everyone is worried about my nephews and niece and think they live horrible, miserable lives and this vacation is the only bright spot of the year. Yes their lives are completely unfair and I feel awfully for them but they are happy kids. From what Jace has told me, since she had Daisy they’ve always kind of just treated Jenny like an eccentric roommate that their dweeb of a dad is sleeping with. They’re not all rude and screaming at one another, more polite indifference. They also do care a lot about Daisy, and would never ask me to leave her at home. It’s me that doesn’t want to bring her, because she needs a parent with her and as dril would say I would face God and walk backwards into hell before I ever invited, much less paid for, Jenny to come with us. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Daisy is old enough to understand that her parents have engaged in the same kind of exclusionary behavior that she is chafing under. Jenny and Jeff need to eat some crow here. I think you could use this vacation as a way to spend some time with Daisy helping her realize her parents’ behavior toward her siblings is hurtful and that even if they won’t change, she can do better. Hannah and Daisy are so close in age, you would think they’d be closer. Would going to school with the other kids be an incentive at all? It might take the sting out of the school change. OOP: I cannot take a child on a trip when I’m not allowed to discipline said child. I love Daisy but it’s a non-starter. I just wanted people to stop acting as if she’s an irredeemable brat. Sorry pressed reply too soon. Hannah and Daisy are not close at all. I’m sure Hannah would be helpful at daisys new school but they aren’t close like sisters can be. Is OOP allowed to discipline the three older niblings? OOP: Yes I am allowed to tell them no and if they don’t act right give them consequences. Commenter 2: I understand none of this is Daisy’s fault. But her parent’s actions need consequences. The person who gets caught in the crossfire Daisy. Unfortunate but it needs to be evened out somewhere. Best case scenario is Brother steps up for the other kids so everything can be even. But until that happens, keep doing what you are doing. Those three kids need someone who has their back. OOP: Unfortunately, knowing my brother this is unlikely to happen Commenter 3: I'm so extremely worried about Hannah's mental health. Growing up in a house where your step mom treats you like this and your younger half siblings is spoiled while you are so close in age is devastating on a kid. Her brother's are older and likely able to compartmentalize things but I seriously worry about Hannah. OOP: Hannah and I are very, very close and text every single day. She is ok, she and her siblings know her dad isn’t shit and her stepmoms opinion is worth dirt. She is excited about college and her life beyond living with them, yes, but is motivated. And she is very close with her brothers. Commenter 4: I wouldn't say I think badly of Daisy, she's a product of her parents, but I think it's more important to think of the older three. I'm sorry, but life isn't fair and they've had years to learn this. It's time the youngest learns. This trip is something good the older three always had to look forward to. Don't take that away from them because suddenly Daisy's life took a downturn. Let them have something she doesn't, it'll do her some good. Maybe she can finally empathize with her siblings for once. OOP: This is what I feel. Yes it’s unfair, but ever since their economic downturn Jenny and Jason have: *gone out to dinner multiple times with just Daisy *continued paying for Daisy travel sport when they’ve only ever let the oldest three do free extracurricular through school. *gone on a long weekend trip with one of Jason’s friends to their lake house with Daisy (the two that still live with them were invited, I’m told) *gone to visit Jenny’s parents who live near a beach and still have a nice house with a pool with Daisy. And those are things that I know about. Again, I love Daisy and I know this isn’t her fault, but sometimes life isn’t fair. But, ultimately, it’s my vacation, my choice, and honestly even all things considered I don’t want to travel with Daisy.   Latest Update here: BoRU #2   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

So long story short, I (35f) live and work abroad but am from the midwest. I grew up with my brother Jason (43m) and our parents (70s). We were working class, had what we needed but not well-off by any means. When I was in high school Jason married Tiffany (40f), who is and was and will always be a mess of a person, heavy drinker, partier, god knows whatever else, but she was hot and my brother is a dweeb to put it nicely. They had Jace (19m), Jeff (17m), and Hannah (12f). Their marriage broke down before Hannah was born, they tried working it out but ultimately got divorced. Jason started dating Jenny (43f) while splitting custody of the kids with Tiffany 50-50. Since Tiff had been a SAHM she received child support and alimony, and my brother worked a lot. I liked Jenny at first, she wasn't a complete smokeshow like Tiff but she was kind, had a good job, and was well-educated. I thought, much better match. At first, I know Jenny was upset that the kids didn't immediately love her and call her mom when they were there, and the divorce was hard on them. got pregnant somewhat fast with Daisy (10f) and they got married. Around this time, the older kids started refusing to go back to Tiff's, she was always drinking and having guys around, so all three moved in full-time with Jason and Jenny and Tiff left town and is no longer in the kids' lives. I tried being understanding, I'm sure having a newborn and then three older kids full-time is difficult. But Jenny completely changed. She stopped working, but declared she was only a SAHM to HER kid. Jason was working 70+ hours to make ends meet AND her parents were helping them out, but she controls the finances. This means that the three of them (Jason, Jenny, and Daisy) operate as a family unit, going to dinners, events, even vacations and leaving the older three kids at home. I have always thought this was disgusting and voiced my opinion about it, but Jason just said his divorce broke him emotionally and he will do anything possible to keep Jenny happy so that their marriage works out. Gross, yes. And 10 years ago to be frank i was younger, broker, and dumber so it was kind of more like 'yes my brother fucking sucks as a dad but I live on another continent and all i can do is be supportive of the kids.' I know, not a great attitude in retrospect and I'm disappointed in myself. I really did my best, when they refused to pay for Jace to learn how to drive (even though Jenny refused to drive the kids anywhere), my mom taught him and I bought him a used car. We had to shame Jason to put him on his insurance, and he makes Jace pay for it. Same with Jeff - they share the car and use it for their activities and Hannah's. My wife (an only child and we don't want children) have the three of them as our sole beneficiaries in our will, something we did when we found out that Jenny and Jason plan to leave them only the bare minimum amount, everything goes to Daisy. Also, after we got married my wife (6 years ago) and I decided that we would start taking the older kids on annual trips with us when we went to the US. Nothing FANCY (we might be childfree but we're not billionaires or anything, just well-off), but things like a week in Florida, Utah, California, things like that. They're very outdoorsy kids so they've had a blast every year, and we plan it when my brother takes Jenny and Daisy on trips, so they don't care. Normally we vacation in the summer, but Jace got an internship this summer so we decided to move our trip to the fall and are going to Maine (LEAVES!!!). I let Jason know the dates (they're in line with their fall breaks no worries) and he basically said we need to start including Daisy. Jenny's parents made some bad investments, they're fine but aren't helping them out anymore and Jenny is looking for a job, but since her parents had always paid for their trips they can't go on one this year. So, even if all was fair, I wouldn't want to take Daisy on a trip. This is going to shock you with parents like that and I feel so bad saying this about a child but Daisy is a HUGE brat, spoiled, mean, and constantly bragging about the things she gets that her siblings don't. She once told me they weren't her siblings, they were 'Tiffany's kids.' She throws toddler level tantrums on holidays if she doesn't get as much AND MORE as the other kids, tells my wife and I we are going to hell (edit: I now feel bad for including this. She said it about five years ago a few times and when Jenny was told it was about the only time I’ve ever seen her discipline Daisy. I guess she’d heard it from Jenny’s aunt, but it was hurtful and hard to forget with everything else), and since Jenny waits on her hand and foot she's a total slob. I feel bad saying all this, I hope when she grows up she grows out of it. But there is no way I'd want to take her on a vacation. So I told him I didn't think we'd be able to handle all four kids and we'd just go the five of us. He said Jenny could come to help out (absolutely not) or our mom could go (love her but she's getting a freaking HIP REPLACEMENT next month and does NOT want to go). Plus the car we'd need for all these people on a road trip would be stupid, we'd probably need 2, and you know what? I don't want to! Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you all, this is getting long. I was worried Jason would not let me take the other kids on the trip, but they decided to go the route of shaming us online. Obviously its working with their friends and her family, but even my dad told me to stick to my guns. But, my wife came to me the other day and basically said, are we even better than Jenny if we're favoring some kids over another just because we don't like their mom? Before we were evening things out, but now we're obviously favoring the oldest. She told me to think of the long-term health of my family and our relationships. She said that it's my family, my decision, but wants me to think about it. My gut is saying just take the older three, but Daisy is only 10, she's not too blame. Would it make me an evil aunt to leave her out? submitted by /u/EffYouJenny to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

Before you judge me, please put down the pitch forks and hear me out. Buckle up because this is a long one. I 26F don’t want to be a single mom anymore. This child is ruining my mental health, career, and intrapersonal relationships. For context, I am one of seven siblings. I have four older brothers (37, 34, 30, & 29) and two younger twin siblings (22F & 22M). We all grew up in a two parent home together in an inner city of the US. My dad is an immigrant and my mom is African American. We were working class/low income and always lived in rough neighborhoods. Despite that, my parents worked hard and most of my siblings are doing well for themselves. My oldest brothers are married/engaged and starting families of their own. Most have stable, good paying jobs in the (post office, automotive plant, etc). The twins are finishing up school next year, my brother as a welder and my sister as nurse. My older brother, a teacher, and I are the only ones to complete college. Last year I graduated from a top university with dual Master’s (MBA & MS in science). I graduated with honors and got an amazing job offer that started at 185k plus a signing bonus, amazing benefits and travel. The position is remote too. I moved back home about 45mins from my parents house, in a vibrant small town with tons to do. I rented a gorgeous, modern 3 bedroom house. I wanted a room as an office and a guest bedroom so that my family members can stay with me. I had an amazing partner at them time and my life felt, well, perfect. Then, a kid entered the picture. I was child free by choice and never wanted this. As I said above, all of my siblings are doing well for themselves. But there’s always a black sheep. In our family, it is my older brother that’s closest in age to me, 29M. Let’s call him Jay. Growing up, Jay was constantly into trouble; he had poor grades, got expelled from school highschool, got caught up in drugs and crime and honestly is just a shitty person. A pathological liar and thief. Last year, Jay found out he had a kid in foster care. The mother went to prison for child abuse and the kid got placed in the system as a baby. He eventually wound up with this rich white couple who wanted to adopt him. In order for the adoption to take place, my brother would have to sign away his rights. At the time, Jay was facing eviction for living in a damn trap house, had no job, and no car because he and his girlfriend (who has 2 kids) have multiple DUIs. The Fosters wanted to do an open adoption, offered visitation and wanted the kid to have a connection with his bio family. My parents were against this because they ‘didn’t want him to be raised by white people’. As someone with friends who grew up in a transracial adoption, I understand that there is some trauma there. However, given the circumstances, I think any potential negatives far outweighed the alternative. My parents and my brother went to court to get custody and “prove” that my brother was a fit parent. They temporarily sublet a house for him, vouched for him, and essentially lied to the judge about my brothers lifestyle and ability to care for the kid. My sister and I were the only people adamantly against this, and my family literally called us ALL types of evil for wanting to keep a black man from his son (like bffr). All of this was happening during my final year of grad school. Long story short, my brother won the case and got custody of his son. Yay. After less than three weeks, my brother dropped the kid off at my parents because he ‘wasn’t ready’ and needed to get his housing and job figured out. This was a couple months after I started my new job and moved into my new place. Like, mid July 2024. Shortly after, my parents came to me and asked if I could take my nephew for the summer. I initially said no, absolutely the fuck not. Then they started to guilt trip me. Things like: My mom has a chronic health condition that makes it hard for her to run after a toddler. My dad worked long hours and “sacrificed so much for us to have a better life”. They also said stuff like “I make so much money and have no real responsibilities. I had an ‘easy’ corporate job and so much space in my house.” My dad talked about how he immigrated with nothing and that we only survived because ‘family uplifts family’. When I was still hesitant, they then shifted to saying I was selfish and a bad person. This eventually got to me (I later learned in therapy that I carry a sense of ‘survivors guilt’ for essentially “making it out of the hood” while so many people in my family are still struggling and living paycheck to paycheck). I also felt for the kid who just had his life upended. So I agreed to keep him for the rest of the summer. The first summer was absolutely amazing. I wanted to give the kid a summer like I dreamed of as a child. The town I live is has so many summer festivals for kids. We went kayaking, to parks and zoos and museums. My ex and I took him camping, to art classes, my grad schools friends also helped and we basically showered him with love and community and experiences. I also turned my guest room into a kids room, got a play set for the yard (fyi: so many people give these away on facebook marketplace for free), taught him how to garden and did fun educational activities as well. I wanted to make him feel cared about since he lost the only family he knew. If you haven’t guessed yet, the summer ended and my brother never got his shit together. Weeks turned into months and I found myself a ‘work from home mom’. The novelty of having a kid around wore off and my friendships became strained. My ex didn’t sign up to be a full time parent and he left me. I had to turn down every opportunity to travel at my new job because of the kid and my career suffered. Also the expenses. Food, daycare, medical bills. He’s not on my insurance so now I have so much fucking debt on top of student loans. I can afford this but I don’t want to afford it. I’m also starting to suspect the kid has adhd and also needs therapy. I got so fucking exhausted and depressed and started to resent my nephew. Kids can tell and they guilt started to eat and eat and eat at me. Then fun Auntie summer camp started to turn into a cold environment. My saving grace is all of this has been my sister 22F who started coming around to help with my nephew. She shouldn’t have to do that. She should be enjoying her final years in college like I should’ve been enjoying my early 20s. My little brother also helped a bit, but maybe just out of pity and bullying from his twin. My older brothers, the ones with wives and fiancés and little kids of their own haven’t done shit. “They have their own lives, “stressful” jobs, and their own families to think about. 1.) Jay, the kids father, is still on his bullshit. Drugged out, living in a house without utilities, doing god knows what with this new girlfriend. Who, mind you, has two kids of her own. Things that broke me further: My brother claimed his kid on his taxes. Despite not doing literally anything thing. When I called him to cuss him out his response was “you don’t need the money anyways and this will help me get back on my feet”. That’s the last time I spoke to him. Gag is, I’ve always hated this brother because he was hella abusive towards me growing up. 2.)My sister and I came to my parents about needing to progress things with my nephew moving out of my house. My brother is clearly unfit, and they knew this, but we were trying to be productive and think of a way for my SIX adult siblings and parents to help with care. You know, all that shit they were saying about ‘it’s takes a village’. My dad responds with ‘Think of this as a good thing. You (my sister and I) and young women, this is perfect training for when you become moms’. Mind you, my sister is 22, I’m 26 and we are both leaning towards childfree by choice. Also, huh??? 3.) I met someone. Literally the most amazing, kindhearted, gorgeous man I’ve ever been with. It’s still very early, we’ve been seeing each other for 5 and a 1/2 ish months and I really fucking like him. We have similar interests, and worldviews and careers/incomes. I think we’re very well matched and I want to see where things go with him. He’s also childfree by choice and has been very sympathetic to my situation. I have so much anxiety over him leaving like my ex did and I’m also wary of this relationship becoming some type of escapism from my life or worse me idealizing him in some way. I want to be able to date without the weight of these things. 4.) The final straw was that my brother’s gf got custody of her kids again and he “stepped up” and moved him into their house. Now he’s playing house with her (still in deplorable conditions) while leaving me to care for his kid?? And had the nerve to brag about it. So last weekend, during Memorial Day, my parents had a family get together. My sister brought most of my nephew things and put them in the spare bedroom. I told my nephew he’d be staying with grandma and grandma for a while and, midway through the day, we left. I blocked my dad and brother completely and I left my mom a longgggggg text explaining everything. Unsurprisingly, I’ve been getting crucified. Called all kinds of names and horrible things by my male family members. Funny how they never said this to my brother when he initially dropped the kid off. My mom has been trying to plead with me, but I’ve been ignoring her because if anyone could get to me it would be her. I don’t think I’m being an asshole towards my family. They’ve lied, manipulated and used me. They’ve derailed my life. However, I can’t stop thinking about my nephew. I have so much guilt and pain about leaving him with my parents like that. After his birth mom abused him, he was ripped away from the Foster parents, my brother abandoned him, my parents tossed him aside to me. And now I’m doing the same thing. There’s an extra level of guilt because of the life I exposed him to when he was with me. If he goes with my bother he’ll have horrible living conditions. If he stay with my parents, he’ll have stability but my parents will still be living in a rougher neighborhood. I just feel like he’s going to have so much trauma from this and I’m adding to it. Kids are smart, he is smart. I know he could feel my bubbling resentment towards the situation and subsequently him. He can probably hear the conversations my family is having around him. I just feel like he’s suffering. And I feel like an asshole, like all the things my family says about me being selfish and heartless are true. I never asked for this, I never wanted this. This wasn’t supposed to be my responsibility. I shouldn’t have been forced to be a single parent for nearly a year. They had an out, a family who wanted to adopt him, and yet they chose to do this to me? The only person in my family who seems to care and have my back is my sister but she shouldn’t have to carry this either. So, Am I, 26F, the Asshole for abandoning and toddler with my parents because I don’t want to be a single mom and I want to restart my life? Update (additional context) I wanted to provide more context about my mom, since there is some nuance there. First, my parents are shitty. I’m not excusing the way they’ve handled this situation, their carelessness, double standards or the harm they’ve caused. My dad gets absolutely no grace in this, but there’s more nuance to my mom that I’m trying to unravel. Growing up, my mom always “took in strays” as my younger sister and I would call it. Family members going through rough times, family friends who were facing the loss of housing, elderly relatives who needed care. There were so so so many times where my siblings and I had to give up our beds for random people my mom tried to help. She also took in actual strays; cats, dogs, a baby skunk one time. Etc. All of this, however, was usually at the expense of her actual kids. Often times we were forced to do the actual labor of taking care of the house guests. From babysitting to making food etc. This mostly fell on my sister and I tbh. The main reason I think she pushed SO hard for me to take my nephew was because she would’ve done so without hesitation if she were physically able. I think this also played into her not wanting him to be adopted (along with the prejudice). This, like I said, is not an excuse. There’s still an element of her being controlling and neglecting her children. The expectation that my sister and I have to think and act the way she does, and guilt tripping us when we don’t. That there’s something wrong with us for not giving our lives in complete service of others. To her, our cups should always be empty because we should constantly be pouring it out into people who have less than. My mom is not going to neglect my nephew. I think she’s going to neglect herself into an early grave caring for him. And i don’t think she’ll forgive me for not wanting to do the same. Other update: I’m trying to get in contact with the original foster parents. I don’t have their number, but I know their names and have been trying to find them on social media. I don’t know his original case worker or stuff about the court ruling, but I’m trying to find that too. I’m going to contact a lawyer before calling CPS. CPS in the US, and particularly the area I live in is horrible and honestly, from talking to other people in similar situations, they might not even be all that helpful if he’s with my parents in a “safe” environment. submitted by /u/Ill-Glass1012 to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ReadFinancial7292 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH (still) because I grew from the divorce and became the husband/father my ex had wanted me to be? Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability Trigger Warnings: descriptions of weaponized incompetence, verbal abuse Mood Spoilers: about positive as possible Original Post: September 10, 2024 I was the AH, I know it. My ex and I (40s) married in college in our early 20s. We went from living in the dorms together to being married and living on our own in another state due to my job. We enjoyed the honeymoon period with each other along with being young 20 somethings in an exciting new city. Not long after being married she was pregnant and our first child was born a few months after our first anniversary. She was a SAHM, I picked up overtime to cover everything. She matured way faster than I to support the baby, I was still closer to being a college dorm student than I was a husband/father/equal. We had constant fights how I wasn't doing enough to help or supporting her physically or emotionally; I kept trying to tell her how I was doing enough, how I worked 80 hours last week, how I changed a diaper last week, how I cooked my own meal (just for me) so she wouldn't have to, etc. She would explain her problems and how I could help her but I didn't hear them, I just wanted to argue. I used weaponized incompetence before that term was coined. In my mind I was working hard and she was just being unrealistic and couldn't see how much I did. In reality, there was far more work than I realized, my ex was drowning and asking for help and all I would do was argue with her about how there was no way she was drowning. Things would improve every few months, partly because I would do a little more work, partly because she just internalized her frustrations and stopped initiating conversations about them. We had another child during this time, but this soon added even more stress and the fights grew even worse. Eventually she said she couldn't handle it any longer and moved in with family a few hours away. I tried to win her back through love bombing (again, before I knew what that was) and figured she would come to her senses. And so I was extremely surprised when I got served the divorce papers. I couldn't believe it, I never cheated on her, I didn't abuse her, I had no vices, we loved each other, how could she be divorcing me? Yet she did, and when we met with lawyers I was taken off guard by how much resentment there was towards me, where had that come from? We agreed to every other weekend visitations. The first time I had to take care of my two toddlers on my own for two whole days was an eye-opener. I had done it once or twice when married, but she had prepped everything, pre-made the meals, picked out the clothes, cleaned the house etc. I was still learning how to consistently do the laundry and wash the dishes everyday and pick up after myself. I had gone from living with my parents, to living in the dorms with roommates who constantly cleaned, to living with my ex. I knew "how" to take care of a house but never had to do it all on my own, someone else always picked up the slack. And now I was fully responsible for that and for two little lives for 48 hours. I remember being completely overwhelmed, and hit by a huge wave of empathy and understanding of where she had been over the past few years and what I had done to her. I apologized to her, but that only made her angrier. So I grew up. I vowed to make the most out of each weekend with my children. I learned how to cook (I actually liked cooking?!), I learned how to braid hair, I bought tons of unnecessary toddler supplies and packed them all in the stroller just in case my kids needed something on a walk, etc. On my own time I picked up new hobbies and went to the gym. I read the non-fiction, how-to/relationship books that my ex had been begging me to read. Overall I worked on myself and tried to become a superdad to my kids. A couple of years after the divorce I started dating again. Being a single dad in my late 20s was a turn off to a lot of women and I was rejected often, but I found myself being matched with other single moms and really connecting with them. I eventually met my now-wife, a single mom whose ex had abandoned her for someone else and wanted nothing to do with their children. And to her, I was the perfect catch: a loving dad who worked hard, did the household chores, and was devoted to her. I learned from my mistakes in my first marriage, and took all the criticisms my ex had made about me to heart and improved from them. I became the husband my ex tried to make me into. I still slip up, and still have a lot to learn, but I do that with the support of my wife. I would still see my ex every other week and the relationship improved somewhat, but there was still an undertone of resentment in each interaction. She went back to school, got a job, and raised our kids as a single mom. I tried to get more visitation as they got older but she fought back and due to them living too far for daily visits, I only got longer summers with them. I have no idea about her dating life, I never ask the kids about her, but she is unmarried. I know very little about her life, she could be very happy and enjoying everything. But within our few interactions very little of that shows. Now, our youngest is a senior and going to graduate and I've been talking to my ex more to prepare for it. Its mostly cordial, but occasionally hints of anger and passive aggressive comments come out. I have thanked her for being a wonderful mother to our children and raising them, and again apologized for never being there or taking her seriously all those years ago. I still feel like the AH, though, sometimes because of how she understandably treats me, and other times just from my own guilt of how I treated her when we were married. She is about to have an empty nest after devoting her life to children when I failed her, and I am living the suburban family life we had planned for but with someone other than her. Am I still the AH for learning from my divorce and becoming the husband I should have been with my ex? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions Top Comments Commenter 1: NTA for growing and learning and apologising however your ex probably doesn't see it the way you do you see it as you getting a rude shock - divorce - and realizing just how much you'd let your ex down, and that you needed to become an adult and be able to parent your kids, and to your credit you seem to have done exactly that, which is admirable your ex might see it that you refused to listen to her, refused to deal with any of the issues she was struggling with, and made her life a lot harder than it should have been now she see's you with your wife, and the perfect life that she should have had with you, but you wouldn't/couldn't give that to her, so she might be feeling that she wasn't good enough, that you didn't love her enough to do all that you do for your wife now with her that sort of resentment can be lifelong, because every time she see's you she asks herself 'why wasn't I good enough to be treated the way he treats his wife', which means you will always be TAH for her of course that's just speculation on my behalf, and I could be totally wrong, but I had a friend who went though something similar, and 20+ years later she still gets upset because she feels that she wasn't good enough Commenter 2: You need to understand that you will always be the villain in her story. That you hurt and abandoned her so deeply when she was at her most vulnerable. That you can't fix what you did, or didn't do. That becoming a good husband and father only hurts her more because it means you were capable of being that man, just that you didn't care enough about her to do it for her. Whoever you are now, will never fix who you were or what you did. The second best thing you can do is accept all of that. The best thing you can do now is to be upfront with your now grown children. Be brutally honest about how you failed as a husband and father with your ex. Help them to not make the mistakes you did and to understand that part of their family history. Commenter 3: NTA but your apology doesn't undo the harm you caused. She may never be friendly with you; you just have to accept it. She probably questions why she wasn't worth the effort you put in after she ended things.   Update: May 12, 2025 (eight months later) Original post TLDR; I married my ex in college (both now in our 40s), had 2 kids within 3 yrs, I worked while she was a SAHM, I was the AH and I did not share the workload/mental load, argued with her when she said she needed help, eventually she left and filed for divorce, and I was shocked to learn how much work it was to raise 2 toddlers as a newly single parent. The shock made me realize how much I failed her in our marriage, I apologized to her, worked to become a better father and person, years later met a single mom whom I eventually married and gained two amazing children, learned from my previous relationship mistakes to better support my growing family, and lived the suburban life that my ex and I had planned for but now with someone else. My older children lived with me ~5 months out of the year, my ex went back to school, got a job, remained single, and we co-parented our two children (now adults). I still felt like the AH, though, sometimes because of how she understandably treated me with veiled resentment, and from my own guilt of how I treated her when we were married. Thank you for those who continue to reach out for updates. While nothing has changed from my previous post's original question (I will always be the AH in my ex's eyes, I will have guilt for that for life, will continue to try to make amends with her, and will try to do better with my wife and kids) there was an event that brought a little closure recently. My youngest child (now 18) with my ex graduates this month. My ex held a party for them at her house which was attended by immediate family and friends from both sides. It was the first time many members of our respective families had been together since our wedding 20+ years ago (we hosted separate parties for our oldest child's graduation 2 years ago). Overall, the party went very well. Our daughter was celebrated and felt appreciated. She said it felt a little weird to have her two worlds collide, such as when her (step) siblings hung out with her maternal cousins, or having both sets of grandparents spending lots of time talking with each other and laughing. It brought a pang of guilt that my daughter didn't remember a time when her grandparents were close friends, as they were before her mother and I divorced. My wife and my ex spent time with each other and laughed a few times. My wife won't tell me what all they talked about so my guess is they shared some common "war stories" about me. My ex and I had a chance to talk as well. We mostly talked about the kids and how proud we were of our daughter, how excited she is to move for college, and what our oldest child was up to. She asked what was next with our family and I gave updates about my younger kids and their future graduations and activities. She returned that she was excited and a little anxious about having an empty nest. Her job is mostly the same but going well and she is planning on traveling. She also casually dropped the name "Mark" during our conversation ("Mark and I talked about doing...") and I had no idea who she was talking about. Maybe he’s someone she’s seeing, but she didn’t elaborate, I didn’t pry, and the topic moved on. I suspect we each assume our kids inform the other parent about our respective life updates more than they actually do, because it didn't seem like she was trying to drop major news on me when she said it. And there was no "Mark" present at the party so I really have no idea what their connection is. Near the end, I again thanked her for being a wonderful mother to our children and briefly re-apologized for my actions years ago. She replied kindly and apologized for fighting so hard against me when I requested more visitation a decade ago. (note: Initially, I only saw the kids every other weekend with short summers. I pushed for more visitation after I remarried, had moved into a larger house that could fit everyone, and was in a position to take care of the kids for longer times. I asked for 50/50 but ended up with 40/60 after a bitter mediation). We returned to talking about the kids and the conversation mostly ended after that. And that seems like it, I don't see the need for other updates. I doubt I will see much of my ex. The kids-now-adults are both doing their own things, have their own cars, and can visit their individual parents and siblings as they wish. There are no more visitation drop-offs between my ex and I. There will probably be college graduations and maybe eventual weddings, but beyond that our interactions are mostly finished. While we both had caused each other frustration, pain, and resentment over the years after the divorce, and I will always have my guilt for failing her in our marriage, in the end we successfully raised two happy children who are starting their own adult lives. Each of our lives took unexpected paths to get here, but we got here nonetheless and are proud our children made it through while feeling loved. My wife and younger kids are also happy and doing well. There are tons of updates with all them but those aren't relevant to this subreddit. I am not the AH to them, I'm just "dad" and "husband" (although sometimes they are embarrassed/reluctant to admit to having those associations with me). Relevant / Top Comments Commenter 1: I still do not understand you not moving to where your kids lived to be able to get a better custody schedule. You describe it as "a bitter mediation" but you also say in the original post that the schedule wasn't 50/50 because you were too far away for day visits. Honestly sounds like you still want your ex to be a villain in that specific scenario since she very clearly isn't in every other aspect. I'm glad your ex seems to have made peace and seems to finally have the time to get her own proper social life, whoever Mark is to her, it seems he makes her happy. Good for her. OOP: I worked in a niche industry when we divorced which did not exist where she/her family lived. She was not working at this time so the only money that was being made was from my niche job which I had moved up in. I spent those first few years learning new skills to switch to a more prevalent but adjacent industry which had jobs nearer to my kids. During this time visitation was only weekends and a few weeks in summer because of how far I was. I eventually was able to move closer and by then was remarried, had a house that could fit my full family, and a work schedule I could adjust around my kids schedules. I could support 50/50 visitation at this time, but my ex refused any change to visitation, both when I talked to her about it and finally when I went through my lawyer. She admitted now that she was still resentful at that time and that was her only reason to fight my request. She knew I made those changes to be closer to my children, and at the time didn't want to admit I was a good father to them. She may not have been a "villain" but she was, by her admission, reacting out of anger and not what was best for the children. I understand why she did it, but I was doing what I thought was best for the children. And based on where we all are now, it was the right decision. Commenter 1: That's certainly changed from your original explanation "I tried to get more visitation as they got older but she fought back and due to them living too far for daily visits, I only got longer summers with them." This sounds like the court did not agree that you could easily support 50/50 due to the distance? OOP: There was no court review because we agreed to the new schedule in mediation. After moving closer I lived about an hour away. It would not have been easy to do overnight weekday visits due to school but it would be doable. Instead, I received more weekend visits, a longer summer, and many school holidays/breaks. So not quite 50/50 for me, but it did result in less daily transition for the children. Other split families have been granted 50/50 visitation in these circumstances, but we avoided the court and came to an agreement in mediation. Neither of us were totally happy (hence "bitter") but the kids ended up better off for it. There were many other concessions given by both of us in mediation which really aren't relevant to the story. In the end, this is what we agreed upon and the kids benefitted. Commenter 2: Bittersweet, OP. Thanks for the update. I'm glad you both moved on and hope the best for you and your families. Commenter 3: Nothing changes for your ex. You will always be the AH to your ex-wife who chose not to change for her or your children. But hey, you don't have to worry about that anymore because you changed for another woman and her kids, and you have a happy marriage. Your apologies are basically worthless to her.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/alienflowerz Husband is disappointed/sad that spending time together makes me happy Editor’s note: made small edits for ease for readability Trigger Warnings: misogyny, mentions of PPD, coercion Mood Spoilers: depressing and sad Original Post: April 20, 2025 The Tl:Dr of my relationship is: - husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married for 2.5 - we’re both around 30 y/o - had our baby ~14 months ago, the pregnancy was a surprise birth control failure but we both wanted kids and were happy - we had discussed ethical non-monogamy in the past, but put the discussion on hold during pregnancy - after I gave birth my husband brought it up again and started really pushing for polyamory - he also took on extra work as I had to stay home due to daycare costs eating up more than my monthly paycheck would cover - he started pushing me off on his family and wouldn’t ever be home to help me or give me a break. He told me to go to his mom for a break, and all he was good for was bringing home money - throughout all of postpartum he’s basically insinuated if not outright said that he doesn’t want me to rely on him or want him around - at 6 months postpartum he pushed for us to open our relationship.. I hated it, he was disappointed when we closed it after a month. - I also went back to school full time at this time and have maintained a 4.0 since - we’ve been in couples therapy for about 5/6 months now. We each have our own therapists too. - baby was also EBF and I still nurse her 2-3 times a day and plan to do so until at least 18 months or so Alright, so that’s the background. Now we’re in therapy, and I thought it was working. The last few weeks he’s worked less and made time to hang out with me and our baby more. He’s planned outings for us, taken us for bike rides, been home to cook dinner and do chores, and to watch the baby/toddler so I can have some me time or some friend time. It’s been so nice, and I mentioned to him that it made me happy, and thanked him for doing all this and making progress like we’ve talked about in therapy. On our walk this morning (and in our last therapy session) he said it made him disappointed that I was so happy with spending all the time together. He said he noticed that since he didn’t spend so much time doing extra work (he’d normally work 60+h/week but cut it down to closer to 50h/week) and hanging out with us more at home that I’d been happier, and that it just proved to him that he was the problem. He said that everything he wants is a problem, and when he doesn’t do or get what he wants then I’m happy. He said he’s happy spending time with me and our baby, but he’s disappointed too. Idk what to even think of this. I’m just hurt that I’ve dedicated so much time and energy to this relationship, to raising our baby (who is absolutely incredible), and that I’ve been told I shouldn’t be asking more of him, and that when we do spend time together he might be happy in the moment, but seems to look ack at it with regret and disappointment. Idk if he’s even happy to be with me. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like he sees our relationship as holding him back, but when I try to tell him this he just says it feels like I don’t trust him. He says that lack of trust makes him not want to try. I tell him I’m trying to trust him, but he keeps doing this same pattern of spending time with us and then pulling away and then the cycle repeats. I don’t want him to pull back away, I don’t want him to tell me I shouldn’t need him. That’s when I can start trusting him again. Right now i’m always waiting for him to stop engaging with me and to just always be away. He struggles a lot with negative self talk and negative self image, so I try not to say negative things when describing what I want out of our relationship, or how I’m hurt. But then he just puts words in my mouth, feels self pity, shuts down and stops talking to me for a day or more. What do I do from here? How do I even address this? What do I say to our therapist? Tl:Dr My husband is disappointed that spending more time with me and our toddler makes me happier in our relationship, and he can’t just do whatever he wants and have me be fine with it. Relevant Comments OOP on her husband helping her with her PPD OOP: There was a time over the summer when my PPD was really bad. One day I asked him to come home from work early. Another day a week or so later I asked him to stay home entirely. He’s a construction worker, so not always with the same company, and that company didn’t ask him to come to the next job with them. He said that after he left and stayed home to help me they all treated him differently and sort of isolated him. Instead of being upset with those misogynistic assholes, he was upset with me, and sometimes still brings it up as an example of how I can’t handle myself and the baby on my own. I’ve told him his frustration is misplaced, that I shouldn’t be blamed for needing him, and if a job can’t be understanding that a new dad may need to help his wife and child that it’s better he doesn’t work with them anymore. He just gets more frustrated. Caring for out kid is OUR job, not MY job Commenter 1: Sounds like he didn’t really want to be a monogamous partner or a parent, he may have just been ticking off boxes on the “life milestone” list (get married, have kids, so on). Either way, at least he’s gained some self awareness and realized he’s been a crappy husband and father. He’s shown you a pattern that is likely to repeat itself. OOP: I keep telling him this, that for the past year this pattern has repeated. He’ll be more involved for a couple weeks, then throw himself back into work and I’ll have no support from him. He asked me today how long it will take for me to trust him, and that he feels like he’s being timed. I said there is no time limit, the change has to keep going. I see that he’s putting in the work, but I’ve seen that before, and I want it to actually stick, or for him not to put up such a fight about it if it does start to slip into him working too much again. Commenter 2: I’ve seen this kind of thing happen when people get together very young, you guys seemed to be 21. You likely didn’t get a lot of dating & relationships in before the two of you were together. He isn’t happy, he’s said it by word and deed repeatedly. He doesn’t want you to be happy in this because he wants out. He wants to be with other people, again he’s shown this through word and deed. Do you want to be stuck with someone who does not want you? Do you want to be with someone who resents you for wanting to only be with him? OOP: He dated a lot of people before me. I only dated him (I went on a few dates, but didn’t have any relationships). He said about 2/3 weeks ago that maybe we should separate. I went to my parents house with the baby. He started apologizing and changed his actions. Now he’s upset I’m happy with the change. It just feels like a big back and forth. I’m getting tired of it. I’m scared to not be with him though. I love so many of the people where we live, and I know I’d be the one giving that up, those friendships and supports I had to build while he was away working and doing whatever. It’s just so unfair. He didn’t have to stay with me if this wasn’t what he wanted. But he made every effort and attempt to say it was, to commit himself to me and us. But once we have a baby he wants out? He wanted me to keep the baby. He doted on me all through pregnancy Commenter 3: the pregnancy was a surprise birth control failure but we both wanted kids and were happy Are you sure you weren't the only one happy about this? Whose birth control failed? I'm guessing it wasn't his because very little of what you have shared tells me that he wants to be a parent. Therapy is not the answer. You guys want completely different things. OOP: I had a copper IUD. Baby implanted next to it. I sent him a picture of the test, then he met me at the OBGYN for ultrasound confirmation and IUD removal. He cried when he saw the pictures and said he was so happy and wanted to be a dad. I was hesitant and said we could consider an abortion due to life circumstances and the surprise of it all. He said it was up to me. We decided to keep the baby Commenter 4: How much longer until you finish school? I would honestly focus on being done so you can secure higher earning potential for yourself, quietly talk to a divorce lawyer so you can strategize re: the best time to file and seek spousal support and child support, and then leave and let him do whatever the f he wants. He doesn’t like being a husband or a father and he seems manipulative and selfish. OOP: Two years and I’m done.   Update: May 1, 2025 (11 days later) I had gotten in contact with a divorce lawyer’s office and had a brief consultation with a secretary. It wasn’t too long and I haven’t done much more gathering of info because I’ve had 10 different final papers/projects/presentations happening and just don’t have the time or energy to work on it right now. Since his last comments things had gone back to getting better. We still spent time together with our toddler, and things were starting to feel fun and like we were getting closer again. Then we went for a walk today. On our walk he asked me how I thought things had been between us. I said I thought they’d been good, that I liked spending time together. Then I asked if he was still feeling the same way as the last time we’d talked about this. He basically said yes, that he’s disappointed that he’s the problem, and if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t be in couples therapy. He also said that he doesn’t ask me to change anything for him (which is bs, he asked me to be poly with/for him). I felt frustrated at this, because I’m not asking him to change, I’m asking him to do what he had done our whole relationship before he changed. He used to make me homemade picnic dates, surprise me with my favorite snacks and coffee and drinks, or my favorite chocolates from a European style chocolatier. We’d go on a date every weekend, and hang out every evening. We’d text constantly, and always found new things to talk about even after almost 8 years. Then once the baby was born he began pushing me away, telling me I shouldn’t rely on him, while also pushing for a polyamorous relationship. He told me he would burn the fumes in his tank to make sure others were taken care of, but then tell me he couldn’t give me those same fumes when I needed him, or even anything from his tank when it was full. It was so the opposite of how he used to treat me. And I told him this on our walk. His response was to say he accepts that he was at fault, but I wouldn’t be convinced of his position no matter what he said. I told him that he’s not accepting he was/is at fault if he keeps trying to convince me otherwise. In our next couples therapy session I’m going to bring up that I think we’ve been both-sides-ing the issues in our relationship. I’m guilty of participating in this, I’ll defend him and try to protect his ego and work together. But honestly? I haven’t done anything wrong in this regard. I’ve acted and reacted in an impossible situation that my husband has put me in. I just don’t know why the birth of our child changed him so much, made polyamory into such a fixation of his when that time and energy for his “self discovery” should have been put into directly caring for myself and our baby. He keeps trying to make excuses that he didn’t get to do much the first year of her life, but he: - went on multiple hours long hikes and dinners with his friend - went on a solo camping trip - slept over at another friend’s house for their birthday instead of coming to the first family outing I had planned since giving birth - went hiking and rafting a couple times with the significant others of some of my friends - went on dates with me - went on dates with other people - had dinner with friends - went on solo bike rides where he’d be gone for multiple hours or even all day And his comeback when I point this out to him? It’s not as much as he usually did before the baby, he only got to ride his motorcycle once or twice last year. I could have done all those things too! (Never mind that I was exclusively breastfeeding our baby, and going out anywhere meant having a portable pump and refrigeration options on hand, never mind a space where I could actually comfortably sit and pump for 20-30 minutes in the middle of activities). Idk. Just what the fuck happened? How did I go from a devoted and loving feminist minded husband to whatever he is now? Whatever. I’m still going to try and fix things because maybe at some point he’ll see the light, but at the same time I’m going to begin to craft my exit plan. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Wait so his tank is on fumes but he wants… additional partners? He can’t take care of the relationship he has but he wants more of them? This man was never a progressive feminist, and is acting like an entitled baby. He has a child and a wife, and he’s acting like he didn’t ask for either and he’s a victim. I dont think there is a “both sides” here and I would seriously reconsider any couples therapist who lets him get away with thinking both of you are contributing to him being entitled, disengaged, and selfish. OOP: Yeah, I’ve been frustrated by that in therapy, though I think our therapist is trying to follow our lead a little bit because he knows he can’t fix it for us and is trying to help us figure out how to fix it ourselves. I’ve also been contributing to it and presenting things that way because I’m not trying to avoid responsibility for things, but yeah, it’s not my fault things are the way they are. Commenter 2: What did he expect when y'all became parents? He's a dad now, and shit gets real when you have to put all your energy, money, blood, sweat and tears into raising them right. It's not going to be a bed of roses the whole way, and I'm sorry that he's placing the fault on you. You don't deserve to be treated like the problem when it's him that's making insane demands on you. You're doing the right thing, girl. OOP: Thank you. It’s not like he didn’t expect it (or at least he was aware). We talked throughout the pregnancy about how everything will change, how it already had changed for me, how my life and my plans were pushed back a year because of pregnancy and postpartum. He got to keep much more of his life and freedom than I did. Yes he took on extra side work to bring in some of the money we were losing with me staying home (though we would have lost even more if I’d kept working), but all the time he was working I was taking care of our baby. And all the time he wasn’t working I was taking care of our baby. Commenter 3: He was never a true feminist. Oh sure, he was a "feminist" when he was getting sex more regularly and he was the main character in your life. But after baby? Patriarchy says he's not supposed to be the caregiver. Patriarchy says it's normal for you to be a burned out mess, not his problem. Patriarchy says it's normal for him to want sex with other people no matter how his wife feels about it. So he believed it. It benefits him. That's the whole story. Maybe he gets his head out of his ass and decides to actually build a loving and successful life with you, someone who really wants that. But that's going to be an uphill climb because he's already figure out that just following the scripts he's heard all his life ensures his life really didn't have to change half as much as yours did. I would really hone in on that with the therapist - and if the therapist tries to "both sides" - fire that therapist. You don't need a therapist to act like you're the problem here when you 100% are not. I feel for you and I think it's wise you're keeping an exit plan. OOP: I just don’t really know how to make that exit plan. I’m not working as I take care of the toddler full time, and am in school on a full time schedule too (squished into two days a week while my parents take the little one), so I’m not making my own money atm. I don’t graduate until 2027 (with a masters, woo!) so I either have to stay with him until I get a job after graduation so I can afford my own place, or I have to move in with my parents before that, who don’t really have the space for us but can make it work. Commenter 4: Seriously no, just break up. This is a complete waste of time and energy. I was rooting for you in the last post and I felt that reading this is waste of my time and energy lol. Just break up. OOP: Thank you. I feel like my wheels are just spinning on this too. It feels like every time things get better lately he tells me he’s not fulfilled. Idk why he won’t just break up with me then. What does he want to fix if being together makes him feel so bad?   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kooky-Item-8576 AITA for not having my sister with Tourette’s in my wedding ceremony? (Long) Originally posted to r/AITAH TRIGGER WARNING: ableism, struggles with mental health, fears of physical violence MOOD SPOILER: Bleak, complicated Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU Original Post Jan 21, 2025 I (28f) am getting married to my fiancé “Max” (25m) this summer. My sister, who I’ll call “Megan” (32f) has pretty serious Tourette’s. Certain physical movements and saying “Ha-ha-ha” are her most common tics but there are others as well. ​ As long as I’ve been alive, I’ve never seen Megan sit through a long ceremony or presentation without tics, not even her highschool/college graduation or for any sibling’s graduations. Her “Ha-ha-ha” is also extremely loud, bordering on yelling, and most of the time repetitive. I have involved and invited Megan to every aspect of the wedding, (the rehearsal dinner, the bachelorette party, and the reception) except for the actual ceremony. ​ My fiancé and I are writing our own vows and I just want to hear him say them without interruption. The ceremony is fairly long and I seriously doubt Megan’s ability to go that long without ticcing. She has said that holding back tics is like holding back a sneeze, only a thousand times more difficult. The only options I see for her going into the ceremony are a) letting the tics go on as normal and be scrutinized by Max’s side of the family who hasn’t met her yet, or b) trying to suppress them the whole time. Either way it would be a miserable experience for her. (I have explained Megan’s situation to guests who were unaware, but in Max’s family there are several young children and elderly people that I doubt will have tact) Megan was heartbroken when I told her I didn’t want her at the ceremony. I explained my reasoning to her about how the ceremony wouldn’t be fun for her either way, but she didn’t want to hear it. ​ She admitted that she will likely tic when we’re reading our vows, but insisted we can just pause and carry on or speak over it. I know this is selfish, but I don’t want Max to pause or speak over someone. I want him to read his vows just as he wrote them. Megan has accused me of being mean, ableist, and a “bridezilla”, my dad is on my side, my mom is on Megan’s side, and my other sister (24f) agrees with me but thinks I should let her come anyway. Max supports whatever I decide but says he hopes this doesn’t fracture our sister relationship. So, AITA? ​ Edit: The kids I’m mentioning went to Max’s cousins wedding last year and were very well behaved, even though their ceremony was longer than what we’re planning ours to be, so that’s why I’m fine with them. I don’t know if this helps, but I am also autistic and have severe struggles when my routines are interrupted or when things don’t happen how I planned them. I have often been accused of being a control freak, too type A, etc. Maybe this is just me letting my controlling personality get in the way? ​ Edit 2: Deleted the previous edit 2, which was expressing my concern that my post would be removed for talking about violence. This is my first time using Reddit and I have tried to post to different subs where I was told even an allusion to violence would get my post taken down, and I didn’t understand the difference here. Now that I do, I’d like to clarify my biggest issue isn’t the verbal interruptions (which would greatly upset me anyway) but potential harm for Megan and other guests: ​ There is a nonzero chance she could injure herself or others. This is the actual crux of the issue. I could possibly, potentially handle verbal interruptions, although they would make me incredibly unhappy and uncomfortable, but I don’t think I can deal having to stop the wedding because someone has been hurt. It usually only happens in high stress situations/when she was younger, but crowds/large groups of people have historically been a trigger for her, and the ceremony would require her to stand in front of a huge crowd pretty closely to other bridesmaids. It’s happened only a few times in the past year, which should make me feel confident, but I feel like the anxiety has just been growing and growing, and I don’t know how to stop it other than making sure there is a 0% chance it could happen. Even though she said she could deal, she has a history of either underestimating or minimizing how bad her tics would be. She said she could handle her stressors and manage them but whacked me in the face at a funeral a couple years ago. She says she can handle the wedding, and I’m truly sorry if this is ableist, but I simply don’t believe or trust her anymore. She is either not being truthful with me or herself about how bad the tics can get. ​ Sorry for so many edits…but I did not mean to communicate that I was ashamed of Megan or cared if Max’s family did not approve of her. If that was true, I wouldn’t have her at any parts of the wedding since those family members will also be there. Based on her previous reactions to similar situations, I assumed that kids staring would upset her, not me. Stress is a trigger for her. But people in the thread were right about how it wasn’t my place to assume and dictate how she would feel, and I messed up on that part. It’s hard to balance (reread the previous edit) when Megan does have a history of downplaying/underestimating how bad things could get. ​ MINOR UPDATE: I called my dad to double check, but there is a “nursery room” in the church where people can watch what’s happening in the church live on a TV inside. I hadn’t known about it because it wasn’t there when I was a kid, but it will definitely be on my list of proposed compromises when I speak with Megan. ​ I would very much appreciate if you read the FAQs before commenting: FAQS FAQS on my AITA post Jan 21, 2025 I’ll make this list and link it on my original post and in the comments if necessary. “Why didn’t you suggest a compromise, such as Skyping?” I genuinely did not think of them. I struggle with rigid thinking, and often categorize things as an absolute yes and no without thinking of any options in between. The suggestions for compromise have been very helpful, and I will bring them up to Megan. “How would you feel if you were disinvited because of your autism?” If the reasoning was sound, such as they believe the environment would lead me to have a meltdown, then I would understand. “What if your child has Tourette’s, how would you feel if they were excluded?” Since Tourette’s (as many of you have pointed out) is genetic, Max and I have thoroughly discussed how we would raise them. We will ALWAYS demand reasonable accommodations from school and the workplace, but we will not insist they be involved in every single activity that kids without Tourette’s can do. If we had a child that was in a wheelchair, we would not insist they be put on the track field alongside able bodied kids to see if they can wheel the 400 meter faster than they could run it. We would find an organization that caters to children in wheelchairs and specializes in helping them be active. Our hypothetical child will understand that they can’t participate in everything the other kids can, but we will always provide alternatives and they will NEVER be made to feel less than because of it. “Why can’t you just say your vows in private?” I don’t want to. That’s literally it. I feel pretty justified in all my other plans regarding Megan, but this is simply a selfish desire rooted in nothing but Max and me’s feelings. The thought of doing vows in private makes me unhappy, the thought of doing it in front of everyone makes me happy. You can call me TA for that if you wish. “Why doesn’t your family consider that her tics particularly distress you because of your own disability (autism)?” It has never been taken very seriously by my family because it pales in comparison to Megan. If one child is drowning and the other one is just barely treading water, you go to the drowning child first. “Why are you marrying into Max’s family if they will be ableist to Megan?” They have never been ableist to Megan. When I say I worry about their behavior, I specifically mean younger children and elderly people who aren’t mentally “there” being able to stop themselves from staring. “Why do you care what Max’s family thinks?” I don’t. I don’t know how else to communicate that. It’s not THIS: Max’s family stares etc ➡️ I am upset It’s THIS: Max’s family stares etc. ➡️ This upsets MEGAN ➡️ this stresses her and increases the likelihood of ticcing ➡️ she has a violent tic and harms herself or others There is also selfish option b, where it causes a verbal tic and the consequence is just me being upset. “If the kids are well behaved at the other wedding you mentioned, why can’t they be told by their parents on how to behave at this one?” And now we come to the FAQ that renders the two previous ones completely irrelevant; you were right, I was wrong. I was catastrophizing (I don’t care if that’s not a word.) Several people have pointed out that beyond their parent’s ability to instruct them, they may have disabled people in their class or their lives they see often. I was projecting my own personal experiences because children rarely, if ever, don’t stare at Megan when she is ticcing. However, I honestly realized that there’s a big difference between a kid who has been prepared from conversations from their parents and know what to expect, vs kids who see some random lady yelling in the supermarket and their mom snaps at them to stop staring. In my mind, all kids were the same. I would also like to clarify that I’m upset about her verbal tics because they affect ME. I am sensitive to loud and unexpected noises, which is exactly what her tics are. Most of the time I push down my negative reactions, but if it was just us alone in the room I would STILL be distressed by her tics. “What are her violent tics?” The three main ones I know of are the elbow, stomping, and flailing her arm. Stomping and flailing her arm are just normal motor tics that people are sometimes caught in the crossfire of. With the elbow, she’s explained she MUST elbow someone or something. Most of the time it’s just the wall or whatever chair/couch she’s sitting on, but sometimes it’s a person. The elbow is also dangerous because it comes on very suddenly and is hard to hold back. The most recent elbow victim was the couch at my parent’s house, the last human victim was my dad at Thanksgiving. No offense to him but he has a decent layer of fat insulating him so he was fine. I will add more FAQs as they come Update Jan 22, 2025 UPDATE 1 Additional context I think will help: All 3 girls are moved out the house. Max and I have an apartment in a big city that will remain unnamed for privacy reasons and my youngest sister (24f, I will call her Mia) is in law school at a university that will also remain unnamed. We’re both in relatively drivable distances from our hometown, where Megan and our parents live. It’s a small town where everyone knows everyone type of deal, and Megan attended a community college where she was already known by the professors and student body. While Megan lives on her own, she is very reliant on our parents. She has never even attempted to get a driver’s license because of the possibility a tic could cause her to swerve (reasonable in my opinion) so my mom drives her to and from work every day. This is not me looking down on Megan in any way for not attending a four year big name like Mia and I or for needing extra help from our parents, because she does need it. This is to explain that Megan and my parents, particularly my mom, are VERY close. In my opinion my mom does things for Megan (mostly interpersonal conflicts) that I think she can handle on her own. Megan rarely communicates directly with Mia and I, instead our mom usually calls us and says “Megan wants x” or “Megan mentioned she felt y” Our fight about the wedding was one of the few real discussions we’ve had without Mom mediating. So the first person I actually called was my mom and not Megan. I told her that Megan and I are both grown adults who are capable of handling ourselves. I said I will not take anything into consideration other than what comes directly from Megan’s mouth. If mom tells me Megan is upset, I will disregard it. I got pretty frustrated when she steamrolled over my request and threw in her face that I’m the one paying for the wedding, not her and Dad, which I regretted. I said I’m willing to work something out with Megan, but if they refuse to communicate or try to disrupt our conversation all 3 of them will be disinvited. I reminded her Megan was an adult and hung up. I won’t copy and paste the exact text I sent Megan, but here are the main points: ​ •It was not my intention to hurt you, and I’m sorry. Please let me explain •I want to TALK, not text, things are too easily misconstrued •Your verbal tics have never been a problem for me. I didn’t mean to make you feel ashamed of them. I don’t want you to feel like we can’t talk. The wedding ceremony is a one time thing I can explain if you CALL ME. •Mom and Dad are not present in the room when she calls me. I have already called Mom and told her to stay out of my business. I want to talk to her alone, and breaking my trust on this will have serious consequences. •A list of 2 hour blocks in the next three days I’m available to have a conversation. •I love you. She responded picking one of the times tomorrow and nothing more, but I’m hopeful we can work this out. Update 2: Called MeganJan 23, 2025 I called Megan this morning. I’ll summarize our conversation, excluding any verbal tics. It’s very, very, very long, and all names are fake for privacy reasons. I will refer to myself as “Michelle” ​ I told Megan I was sorry I hurt her feelings. ​ Megan said it was especially mean because I know how sensitive she is about weddings & that they’re a sore spot for her ​ I’m bamboozled. I inform Megan that I was NOT aware that weddings were a particularly sensitive subject for her. ​ (Context: Megan & I are at the age where pretty much everyone is getting married, moreso for Megan because she lives in our small hometown. Plenty of women and one man she considers her close friends did not invite her to their wedding AT ALL. She works at a boutique and has even encountered friends shopping for jewelry for weddings she wasn’t invited to, but I didn’t know that last part.) ​ Megan does not believe me. How can I not know how upsetting it is when she and my mom have repeatedly mentioned the exclusion to me every time it happens. ​ My answer: Well you never told me you didn’t get invited AND you were sad about it, you just told me you weren’t getting invited. ​ Megan says it’s pretty easy to figure out and thinks I’m being purposefully obtuse. I was supposed to pick it up from context clues (the fact that she even said it, her tone when she said it, how many times she mentioned it) and apparently literally everyone else had. ​ Megan cries. I don’t know what to do. I just wait until she stops. ​ I remind Megan that I struggle interpreting things like that. (This line is from Max, who I consulted, but he was not in the room.) I told her that just like she needs some accommodations for her Tourette’s, I need accommodations for my autism, and she has to explain things to me, especially feelings related things because I need that extra help. ​ Brief interlude you can skip if you want: Megan: “You need someone to explain crying to you?” Me: “This is the first time you’ve cried about it to me, obviously I know what crying means, I’m not a complete dumbass.” Megan: “I didn’t say you were a complete dumbass.” Me: “I felt like it was implied.” Megan: “You just told me how bad you are at understanding implications.” Me: “I can still guess.” Megan: “Well your guess is wrong.” ​ I concede to her but repeat what I said about needing some things explained to me. ​ “You said we didn’t need to do that anymore” ​ “Only because Aunt Marnie was such a bitch about it.” (Context: When I was 15 my dad’s sister came to live with us and help out, around this time I verbally expressed my need for clear explanations and she was so annoying. Example: She’d stop at a red light and huff, and then turn to me in backseat and say slowly, “That means I’m annoyed” like I was a toddler or something. My parents & sisters attempted with good faith and told off my aunt when she was being condescending in front of them, but they never quite caught on to what explanations I needed or didn’t need. I just got tired of correcting them and announced I was fine after about six weeks or so. (Max is very good at explicitly stating his feelings because his mom is a therapist. The whole family is very communicative and verbalize their emotions.) ) ​ “I didn’t know you were that upset about it.” ​ I realize Megan did not know for the same reason I didn’t know weddings upset her: I never told her. Plus her tics were about at their height when this was going on, and I absolutely don’t blame her for not being observant, especially as I do not have typical tells of neurotypical people when they’re upset. ​ Now I explain to Megan my idea of the nursery room and live streaming it to her so she can see it. ​ The next accusation from Megan: “You’re ashamed of me just like (friends) are. You think I’m embarrassing.” ​ I say no, if I was ashamed I wouldn’t invite her to anything at all. I tell her I didn’t want her at the ceremony specifically because) 1) The sudden loud noises really will distress me. Especially in a typical setup where the bridesmaids are behind me and I can’t see them, so I won’t even have a warning that it’s coming. ​ She says fine in a tone that I am able to pick up on, and I ask her if this is how she really feels, because if it’s not fine she needs to tell me. I haven’t even brought up the possibility of violence yet because that will make her even more upset. ​ After a significant pause, she says no offense but she feels like I’m just saying this to hide that I’m ashamed of her, that her “friends” make lots of excuses like that too. ​ I say no, but I understand why it looks that way because I have always downplayed my own issues when I’m with our family (something else Max coached me on/suggested to me). I said that if she thought I was lying she could talk to Max, his family, or any one of my friends who can verify my sensitivity to loud sound isn’t recent. ​ She says fine in a way that I interpreted as being more mollified, and then I said I’m worried about her violent tics. ​ She seems more understanding but insists she can handle it. ​ I try to gentle my voice as much as possible, but explain that anything above a zero percent chance is unacceptable for me. ​ She says it’s not that bad, but her tone of voice and inflection is different, I interpret from this she might actually agree with me but is not ready to admit it yet, or doesn’t believe what she’s saying. ​ I remind her that all of our family are historically bigger and that she works out a lot, (which I admire her for!) None of the family members really gets hurt when she elbows because we’re all around her size, but she has to be reminded that she’s a 5’10 muscular woman. ​ I reiterate this and bring up one of my bridesmaids as an example. Direct quote: “All of the other (our last name)s would be fine but Mary is 5’0 and 115 soaking wet. If you elbowed she would go the fuck down and I don’t think she would get up.” ​ She laughs a little uncomfortably, but I’m not joking. ​ I remind her of Nana’s funeral where she said she would be fine and then ended up smacking me in the face. I said I know Tourette’s can be unpredictable, but she’s had 32 years to figure out her limits. I remind her that she has consistently misled me about how bad things will be. ​ She swears this time it will actually be fine, that she knows herself better than I do and it’s condescending to assume that she’s lying. She also reminds me Nana’s wedding was years ago, saying she’s improved, and I remind her that the last elbowing incident was months ago. ​ I give up at this point. I am so tired of her lying. She knows she’s lying, I know she’s lying, and she knows I know. I say fine. You can be in the ceremony if you say you can. But if you hurt someone during the ceremony you will have to leave immediately. You will be disinvited from the reception. If they sue you, I will not help financially or help you find a lawyer. And I will cut you off completely and not speak to you anymore. You will not get to meet your nieces and nephews, ever. If you’re truly willing to risk ALL that then you must be truly confident, and I trust you. Otherwise the nursery room is always open and you can watch on the TV. ​ She doesn’t answer me, but starts crying and says how can I do this to her, this is the only way she’ll EVER be IN a wedding in any way, no one else wants her but her own family should, it’s not fair and she just wants for one time in her life to be in a wedding. ​ This is a lot of information to process for me, so I just kind of pick out one piece and blurt it out before I can process the rest as whole. “Why don’t you think you’ll get married?” ​ She says, are you delusional, nobody would ever want to marry me. ​ I know this is really insensitive, but I wasn’t trying to be mean. It was just my first reaction I didn’t think over it. I just said flatly, “Megan, you’re being really stupid.” ​ This seems to shock her into silence. I continued. “You’re very smart, you’re very pretty, you work out and you’re a good person. There are lots of people out there you haven’t met yet that could be a great match, maybe even someone who has Tourette’s too, so writing yourself off and preemptively giving up is incredibly dumb.” ​ She sighs and says you don’t get it. I say yes I do, that I never thought someone would understand me until I met Max. I tell her that she’s stayed in our hometown her whole life, and there’s a reason I didn’t marry anyone from there. I did something off script, which surprised me, but I said I know she doesn’t like big crowds but she should come to (city) with me and Max or just me. I said she should try and meet new people. ​ She seemed taken aback and almost horrified by the thought, so I said something was probably offensive (sorry) and said “There’s an 80% chance a homeless tweaker will be doing something way more disruptive than you at any given time.” ​ She got really quiet and didn’t say anything, so I reiterated my points: I’m not ashamed of the tics in and of themselves, I am worried about potential harm they could cause. The motor tics are self explanatory, and the vocal tics will distress me and make me uncomfortable. If she wants to bet our entire relationship on her confidence she won’t motor tic and hurt someone, she can be my guest, but I’m done. ​ She starts begging me. Why can’t I get a bigger venue so the bridesmaids have more room, and place an inanimate object near in case she gets the elbowing tic? Or why did I pick so many bridesmaids when I knew she would be one and she would be crowded? Why can’t I just say my vows in private? Why can’t I just ignore her when she tics? Why, why, why. Finally, she said she felt like I didn’t take her needs into consideration and planned the wedding without thinking her at all. ​ I snapped. I said, “Of course I didn’t think of you, it’s MY FUCKING WEDDING. Mine! I have spent my entire life thinking of you and how things might affect you and what YOU need instead of what I do. I moved this far away so I could STOP thinking about you. You got everything. You got Mom and Dad’s attention, all the sympathy, all the money went towards your treatments. I didn’t get to see a therapist, just drive you to and from YOUR appointments. When I was nine you slammed a car door on my hand because of your tics and BROKE MY FINGER! Do you remember that? Mom and Dad were more concerned about me reassuring you I didn’t blame you than my broken bone. Everything is about you and your feelings. Oh, Megan is ticcing too much to pack her backpack, you get it Michelle. I know she threw a vase at your head during a rage fit, but Michelle, imagine how bad she feels. Megan’s sitting alone at lunch again, be a good sister and abandon YOUR FRIENDS to sit with her. And now I can’t even have my own wedding without making it about you? Fuck off.” ​ Megan was silent and then hung up. ​ Something else that was brought up in the comments that has now been resolved: yes, Max has feelings about my family dynamic but always allowed me to dictate it, both because he knows I like control and because he doesn’t have much experience with disabilities. 95% of things, we offer feedback to the other if we think they need it, seek advice, discuss, etc. But for my family, he never really said anything except a variation of “I support your decision.” He said he would like to have input, especially as they will soon be HIS family as well and (hopefully) interacting with our future children. I can get annoyed, because his mom’s a therapist and uses “therapy speak” pretty regularly and it’s been passed on to both her kids. Secretly, I think he thinks he’s sort of an honorary therapist because he was raised by one and got treated by another. Earlier in our relationship when I was accepting his advice for family matters, he would say things like “you seem to have an avoidant attachment style, probably from being ignored by your parents in childhood.” I told him in no uncertain terms I did not care to be psychoanalyzed and that was that. We talked a lot, but the gist of it is that he has had opinions on my family, and struggles with his instinct to protect me and his desire to respect my decisions. From now on, I am going to listen to him and take his opinion into consideration when deciding about family matters. He promised to stop the “therapy talk” and says that was more him being 21 and trying to impress me with big words. I have noticed he doesn’t really do it anymore. So after my call with Megan I walked into our shared bedroom, and he didn’t even have time to ask how it went before I burst into tears. He held me for a while (I am fine physical touch and affection, especially from him, as long as it’s not unexpected). Eventually my phone started ringing again and I saw that it was Mom. I told Max that I didn’t want to talk to her but if I didn’t pick up it would become a Whole Thing. He just silently held out his hand, and when I realized what he meant, I put my phone in it. The conversation wasn’t on speaker and I didn’t really care enough to try and listen to what she said and for the most part I don’t remember what he said after telling my mom I couldn’t come to the phone, just the beginning: “Well, Michelle’s crying too. I think you should be just as concerned about that.” And the end: “Yeah well, my parents have said they’d more than happy to walk her down the aisle, so you think on that.” I told Max about these posts and he was a little confused but supportive, and thinks it’s funny how I’ve picked out names starting with M for everyone. I have not had any more calls from my family, but Max called his mother (very nice lady) and put her on speaker and she reiterated she’d be happy to walk me down the aisle with her husband. So that is that for now. I find the anonymity very freeing, as well as writing down what happened, so I will update you all as soon as there is on. An Update and goodbye Jan 25, 2025 Max and I have officially disinvited Megan and my parents from my wedding. I am getting lots of support and love from his family. I’ve got all the advice I feel I’ve needed, so I’m going to delete this account as it has served its purpose. I’ll leave this up for a little while before I do it so people who are invested can see it. Thanks for all the advice and help! THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/HolidayGourmetTurkey.** Trigger Warnings: Death of a Child, Miscarriage, Trauma, Self-Harm, Accusations of Abuse. This story has previously been posted to BORU here. The latest update has been marked with "***". I just found out why my boyfriend never holds my toddler niece, Posted December 29th, 2023. Sorry, this is gonna be a long one. I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (28M, Jay) for 5 years. We’ve both been very close with each other’s families, and we’ve even talked about marriage. However, one touchy subject is children. Whenever we discuss it, he gets kinda stand-offish. He doesn’t really dismiss the idea though, it’s just that he doesn’t seem invested. I’ve always wanted kids, and he just always says he’s fine with whatever makes me happy. Ever since, I’ve been content with this situation. However, things escalated during this holiday season. Our setup has always been that Jay spends Christmas Eve and dinner with my family, then I spend Christmas Day with his family. This was the first Christmas I’ll spend with my first and only niece (2F, Ana, she spent her first Christmas in the hospital due to her health condition, but she’s okay now), so I made sure to spend a lot of time with her. We played a lot, we opened gifts together, and I even reenacted Ana’s favorite storybook using her favorite doll. We even had matching outfits! My sister (30F, Amy) thanked me for giving her and her husband some relief from childcare the entire day. However, Amy also said she noticed that Jay, who was just either sitting on the couch watching me or helping my mom with the dishes, was kinda distant with Ana. I told her I’ve also noticed that before, and I just chalked it up to maybe Jay was hesitant and awkward to play with Ana because he feels he’s “just my boyfriend.” Then Amy said she won’t mind, since she and her husband already treat Jay as part of our family. I then went back to Jay and encouraged him to play with Ana and help us set up her new dollhouse, but he said he’s not feeling too well. He ended up drinking a few more beers and stayed on the porch by himself, scrolling on his phone. I didn’t press harder and thought he might really just be feeling under the weather. I just want to add for context that Jay isn’t an alcoholic. He’s a sweet, wonderful, funny man who’s sometimes broody and deep in thought, but he’s never abusive, manipulative, or moody, and he only drinks on special occasions. The next day, on Christmas Day, we had lunch with Jay’s family. Afterward, I volunteered for cleanup to help Jay’s mom (62F, Mary) and brother (31M, John). Jay’s family was the best any significant other could ever ask for. They’re very sweet and supportive of us, but they’re never prying. They always check up on us, but they never overstep. So, as we were cleaning up, Mary asked me how my sister’s baby was (they helped with the bills when Ana was hospitalized last year). I told them that Ana’s in great condition now, and that she already spent the Christmas at home. They were very delighted upon hearing this. Then, I shared with them the thing I noticed about Jay. Initially, I thought maybe Mary could just give me advice on how to approach the issue with Jay since he’s clearly not the playing-with-kids kind of guy, but then John casually said something like “Oh, because of Rosie,” then Mary quickly shushed him. Rosie was the daughter of Jay and John’s eldest sister, Beth (35F). I never knew the actual details because everyone was very secretive about it, but all I knew was that Rosie passed away when she was just 3 years old and Beth and her husband moved away afterward. I never met them in person. So, later that night, when Mary, John, and the other family members got a bit more drunk and Jay was already sleeping in the bedroom, they told me the story (I didn’t force them or anything). Apparently, Jay, being the youngest of the siblings, was really close with Rosie back then. Jay was just around 14 years old when Rosie was born, so he became the super fun uncle (like I am now with Ana). He was actually Rosie’s best friend. Then, on summer of 2012, Jay was playing with Rosie outside (he was blowing bubbles and she was chasing and popping them) when a speeding car, driven by a woman who was distracted on her phone, skidded into the yard toward Rosie’s direction. Jay reacted quickly and was able to reach and grab Rosie so the car actually hit him, but the impact of the crash caused Rosie’s head to whiplash as Jay hugged her. Jay was in a coma for 3 days and had multiple severe injuries and internal bleeding, but Rosie didn’t make it. Everything was caught by the neighbor’s CCTV so everyone knew that Jay was a hero for trying to protect Rosie (it was even covered by the local news), but Beth, who was understandably in grief, resented Jay for not being able to save her daughter. Beth and her husband then decided to move to another country to cope with their grief and start a new life, and they’ve had minimal contact with the family ever since. Jay, meanwhile, took the loss really hard. He blamed himself for not being able to save Rosie and not being able to attend her funeral since he was still at the hospital at that time. Mary said that Jay was never the same after that. He never went near kids, and he became a lot colder, quieter, more reserved, and antisocial. He also had anger issues, but it thankfully went away (I haven't had any issues with this). We also live in an area where people don’t believe in therapy, so Jay never received professional help. After learning all of this, I bawled my eyes out because I never knew Jay was carrying such a heavy burden. The whole incident became a taboo family secret that no one mentions in fear of Jay breaking down or doing something he might regret (although to be fair, he’s never had violent or self-harm tendencies ever since, so this was just a precaution). They also never told me before because they assumed Jay would be the one to tell me, but I told them that he never did, and that I never really asked him. I then thanked everyone for letting me in on this, and I told them that I’d talk to Jay about it when the time is right. They understood, and they said I could just ring them up if I need help or support in any way. For now, I just want Jay to enjoy the holidays and his remaining vacation days from work. Now, I don’t really know how to start with him. I know seeking professional help to process all the trauma and grief, even if it’s been over a decade ago, would be the top priority, but I don’t know how to bring it up to him. I don’t even know when is the right time to bring it up. I just want him to know that I love him no matter what, and that I’ll support him in every step toward his healing, especially if we’re to form a family of our own. Relevant Comments: Jay is amazing, what a shame his sister blamed him, but I guess that’s what grief does to you. I hope he gets the therapy he needs From what I gathered from Jay's family, Beth never really voiced out that she blamed Jay for Rosie's passing. However, she became cold toward him to the point of almost ignoring him during family gatherings before they moved. Of course, everyone knew what it was all about. Maybe you guys can start couples counseling? Jay has been living with his guilt, sadness, and anger for SO long. He might not be receptive to individual therapy. But maybe if you go together…it can open the door to healing and communication. Maybe with your love and support in couples consulting it will propel him further. But the last part of your post is all you can do OP. Show Jay how much you love him and how much you crave to listen to all that he has to share. Be his safe space, his partner. ✨🥹💗 I will join this opinion with huge approval. Even though you really love Jay, it's most likely he will have a hard time opening up about it, and even if he says he's okay, do you know if he ever saw any therapist? This is the kind of thing that I feel would give PTSD to anyone. Also, remember that he does not know that you know and might take badly the fact that the family revealed it to you, so make sure to remind him not to get mad at them, that it was a slip of the tongue and they had to explain. He seems like a wonderful person, but as you said yourself, grief can make you irrationnal sometimes, and it definitely doesn't look like he processed it all. In any case, he is a wonderful man, and I'm glad he found a partner that is attentive and empathetic. You two take good care of each other, have a wonderful new year and lots of love. You deserve it. I'm currently leaning toward waiting for him to bring it up himself, but of course I hope that it happens kinda soon so the grief and trauma don't consume him more than they already have. Thank you for your kind words! Holy crap I think we were all thinking that he had the worst intentions in the beginning. But that couldn’t be more wrong. This man was a hero and unfortunately his family has turned it into a dirty secret. I feel for you both so much. I don’t really have any advice. I just want you to know that you are both incredible people and I hope your love finds a way and you’re able to raise a beautiful family together, if you choose. It's really sad how the family handled it, but I can't really blame them because I grew up in the same area. We live in a provincial, non-progressive city, and their family even lives in a more rural community where everyone knows everyone. If there's any "scandal" that potentially tarnishes the family name, it's swept under the rug. I guess the "heroic" part of the story is something the family could have been proud of, but the trauma, anger issues, lashing out, and antisocial behavior that Jay developed, as well as how Beth left the community afterward outweighed everything, so the entire thing just became the family's dirty secret. Sadly, that anger never went away; it's sadness now. Be understanding, and make sure your family understands as well. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out a way to tell my family to be more sensitive about the subject around Jay without outright telling them the story because it's not mine to tell. Thank you! (This comment was downvoted) Is it just me or do I feel like Beth is a total piece of shit for how she treated Jay? It’s easy to say that as an outsider. Grief really REALLY fucks with someone’s thought process. I don’t blame anyone in this situation, Beth probably was looking for someone else to blame for her daughters death. Yeah, the only person I blame is the distracted driver. I don't normally curse, but fuck her. She didn't just kill a baby, she destroyed a loving family. From all his family's stories, Jay seemed to be a very upbeat, warm, and sociable guy before the incident. I don't really blame Beth for how she reacted and processed her grief. As I mentioned in another comment, she never outright blamed Jay, but the family assumed she did for how she treated him afterward (again, we don't live in a very progressive area). She lost her daughter, and she was also young back then (she was just around 24) when it happened. Even if I never knew her, I wish Beth nothing but peace and healing throughout all this. She died as he was hugging her, I. Can't imagine the grief he went through. That's also something bothering me a lot. Of course, I'm just assuming here, but knowing how much of an overthinker Jay is who hyperfixates on what ifs, I know he has replayed that moment in his head a million times, overanalyzing every little detail. One of the worst things he could possibly be thinking is that maybe he was the one who killed Rosie, because it was the whiplash and not the actual crash that impacted her the most. It's bad enough that he lost his niece and best friend, but for her to die in his arms and thinking that it was him who might've accidentally killed her instead of saving her is absolutely horrible. That's the "what if" I fear he's thinking the most. And just to be clear, no one actually blames him. Why are they so hard pressed on forcing him to interact with a child more than he wants to? Instead of letting him get comfortable in his own time, you're all forcing him to do it right now. I'm very uncomfortable with children but given time I'll come around, I just need to get over the anxiety and panic about hurting them by accident. If somebody and their family were this insistent I'd just be more uncomfortable. I don't think anyone is really forcing him though. In the 2 years we've welcomed Ana into this world, no one has forced Jay to interact with her just for the sake of it. I've been interacting with Ana every time our family gets together, and Jay has been distant but fine overall, and we just let him be because it was never an issue. We all just accepted that he wasn't comfortable around kids. Also, when I was encouraging him to interact more during Christmas Eve, it was more along the lines of "Hey, you know you're welcome to help us with this dollhouse, you know? I know you're judging my lack of craftsmanship here lol" Amy's intention of bringing this to my attention is just to make Jay feel more welcome in our family. Again, it was me who assumed that maybe Jay was just awkward with Ana because he might've felt like an outsider and he didn't want to overstep. My entire conversation with Amy was rooted more in including Jay in our family and making him feel comfortable enough. However, given everything I've learned, I'll make sure that everyone is more sensitive with this subject around him. UPDATE I just found out why my boyfriend never holds my toddler niece, Posted April 20th, 2024. Hi, it’s been a while since my first post. I have some major updates for anyone interested. You may check my profile for my previous post. Also, I took some time to organize my thoughts first to make sure I don't miss anything pertinent. It's kinda long as a lot have happened since, so I've divided this into sections to make it easier to follow. QUICK RECAP My boyfriend (Jay) and I have been together for 5 years. Throughout our relationship, I noticed that he's always distant with kids, including my niece, Ana. During Christmas, Jay's family revealed that it was because of an incident over a decade ago. Turns out, Jay was really close with his toddler niece, Rosie. One day, when they were playing outside, they were hit by a distracted driver. Jay tried to save Rosie. He sustained severe injuries, but Rosie still didn't make it. Beth (Rosie's mom and Jay's sister) acted cold toward Jay after this, then she and her husband moved to another country after a few months. From then on, Jay's personality changed, becoming cold and antisocial, and he never received professional help. All of this has become Jay's family's "dirty" secret. PART 1: THE CONFESSION Since learning about Rosie and posting here on Reddit, I’ve been so conflicted about what to do. A lot of you had opposing opinions, and all of them had merit, but knowing Jay and how he’d most likely react, I chose to keep it a secret until I find the perfect time. What I didn’t anticipate was that the perfect time would come in the form of a pregnancy scare. Back in January, I had a false positive. Everything happened so quickly within a day. I had a rollercoaster of emotions, but bottom line was that I’m not pregnant after all. When Jay got back home that night, I knew I had to tell him everything. I told him I had a pregnancy scare, but he has nothing to worry about since it ended up being negative. At that moment, I saw all the blood drain from his face, and he became so pale that I was worried he was going to faint. I was holding his hand, and he became so sweaty and cold and shaky. He rushed to our refrigerator to get some water, and it was obvious he was spiraling really hard. That was when I told him I knew about Rosie. I came clean because I knew that was what he was panicking about. I assured him that I’m by his side, and he could react however he wanted to. I repeatedly apologized for disrespecting his trust and lying to him for weeks. I also asked him to please not be mad at his family because they meant well when they told me. Throughout all of it, I couldn’t really read Jay’s expressions. I wasn’t sure if he was about to scream out of anger or burst into tears. I told him that we don’t have to talk about it any further if he doesn’t want to, but I’d be willing to listen and support him whenever he’s ready. His only response that time was him asking me if I wanted to break up with him, which confused me. I told him of course not, then we hugged, then he said he needs some time to process everything before we discuss it, which I respected. For the rest of the week, we tried to interact like nothing happened, but everything was awkward since there’s this huge thing hanging between us. PART 2: THE TALK The following weekend (which was 8 days after), we finally sat down and talked about everything. He started by apologizing for not telling me sooner, but he revealed that his last girlfriend dumped him after he told her about Rosie. He said he was so relieved after I reassured him that I wouldn’t do that. He then told me that it was something that’s been weighing him ever since, and he’s confirmed that he never sought or received professional help. However, he said he’s very much open to doing that, but he didn’t think he’s ready yet. He also said he’s afraid to go down that path because it might release some inner demons and drag me down with him. Another thing Jay told me was that ever since Rosie was born, he felt an instant and deep connection and a sense of responsibility for her, even when he was just a teenager that time. He said that having Rosie in his life made him realize how much he wanted to be a father when he's older. However, since the incident, he’s afraid of messing things up again, so he never really considered having kids from then on despite really wanting to do so. I then reassured him that we’re on the same page on this. Although I also want to have kids with him in the future, I don’t want to force it on him when he’s not yet ready. He also said that whenever he sees me with Ana (my niece), he gets kinda jealous because he wants to join us every time. However, he constantly reminds himself to keep his distance just to be safe. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about that, and that he’s more than welcome to join us if he wants to. I also told him that my sister and the rest of my family actually considers him a part of our family, just to reassure him more. Jay tried to lighten the mood by joking and saying now that I know everything about him and still didn’t break up with him, I could finally expect a proposal anytime soon. We both had a good laugh, but we agreed to wait for his recovery first before getting engaged or discussing our future family. PART 3: BETH During our discussion, Jay also had another heartbreaking revelation. He said that during the height of the pandemic, Beth’s husband (Brian) reached out to him. Brian said that Beth had COVID and was confined in a hospital, and that he was already running low on funds due to bills and unemployment. He also said that Beth had been almost catatonic since Rosie’s passing. She had been resistant to any outside and professional help, but she was institutionalized for about a year after a self-harming incident. For the past decade, she’d been cold, distant, and withdrawn from society. Apparently, the rest of Jay’s family also knew about all this, but again, they just swept it under the rug. To be fair, they had been helping Brian by sending financial aid to support Beth, but their version of the story was that Beth had just gone low contact since they moved. Also, to be very clear, Jay said that Beth never blamed him for what happened to Rosie, although he initially felt that way when he was younger. It was more of their parents interpreting and spinning things a certain way to avoid tarnishing their family’s reputation, but when Brian reached out to him directly years ago, he started to understand better. However, he still hasn’t processed everything, and he still partly blames himself for the whole thing. PART 4: OUR CURRENT SITUATION For now, what we’re exploring is couple’s therapy so we can discuss our mutual issues in a safe and pressure-free space, and hopefully, kind of ease him into the world of therapy. We’ve already found the perfect therapist to help us, and we’ve now had 6 sessions with her. From what I can tell, Jay seems a lot happier and less burdened. We’ve also had “homeworks” from our sessions, and Jay was even the one reminding me to do them. Right now, I’m just hoping that he becomes ready enough to open up about Rosie so he can heal and recover from his trauma. Not for me, but for his mental and emotional well-being. No rush though, all in his own time. Also, Jay has no social media, but I showed him the original Reddit post I made. He spent like three hours reading through all the comments. It was the first time I saw him get teary-eyed because he never expected so many people giving him support and saying kind words to him. He was extremely overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness, so we’re both grateful to all of you for that. We also saw some TikTok and YouTube versions of the story, and you bet Jay browsed through all of them. He’s still baffled why the TikTok versions have Minecraft or cooking videos in the background, but I just told him it’s a trend haha So, there, if you've made it this far into our story, thank you for your time! I have a good feeling that Jay and I are going to be fine. We still have a lot of challenges ahead of us, but here's to hoping for the best! EDIT: So Jay and I now kinda share this account. He might reply directly from time to time (this is his first time on Reddit, so please be kind to him. I had to explain to him what OP and a lot of the other lingo mean haha). Yeah, but we're both reading everything! Again, thank you for being so kind! Relevant Comments: I hope Jay continues healing, and eventually Beth somehow gets out of the mental hole she’s in. Both them went through something horrible that no one who hasn’t been in that situation can comprehend. Thoughts for both of them Thank you for your kind words. As for Jay, I can see that he's already making some progress, even though it's more like baby steps. Nonetheless, it is still progress. As for Beth, I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through. I just pray that she finally finds some peace eventually. I'm so happy with this update, that now Jay knows that you're on his side and is getting professional help. What happened to Rose was a tragedy and wasnt his fault at all. My heart hurts to think of the weight he must be carrying for all this time. Wishing you two all the best! Yeah, he's starting to open up more about his internal struggles and burdens, but he hasn't touched on the subject of Rosie yet. The least I can do for him is to let him know I'm here for him. Thank you for your kind words! Deleted Comment. I won't make excuses for them. On a human, personal level, they are extremely lovely, generous, and kind people. They have welcomed me as a part of their family, and they even extended help when my sister's daughter, Ana, had congenital health problems. I have met different relatives of my exes before, and in comparison, Jay's family has been the most wonderful and welcoming. However, I would say that they are a product of the very traditional, nonprogressive area in which we live. We are a Catholic community, and most activities revolve around our parish. Reputation is everything, yet town gossip is still very rampant. I understand that this may sound backward-thinking in our modern times, but that is the reality of our lives (I also grew up in the same area, so I fully understand their behavior). Although I agree with you that everything that happened and how they reacted to it had been unfortunate to say the least, and Jay and Beth got the brunt of it. Im so sorry for asking but im really baffled here. Jay was a victim as well. He was in the accident. So what kind of reputation was to be saved? And why did they let Jay feel like it was his fault? What town gossip can possibly be there from this awful accident? I cant wrap my head around this. I truly hope Jay can find his much deserved peace, especially Beth & Bryan. And you, you are an angel! I'm honestly just as confused as well. I don't think the intention was to make Jay feel he was at fault. I think the intention was to just not talk about it at all and make it seem like it never happened. Like a family secret never to be brought up so the bomb doesn't go off or something. Being rational definitely wasn't a priority, and unfortunately, it was Jay and Beth who suffered. You're being an amazing partner to him, im happy he has you 🥺❤️ yeah she's pretty wonderful. lucky to have her in my life. -jay Please tell me that woman who was driving is STILL in jail. Thats the update i want so bad. Justice. Everyone out here suffering - wanna make sure she didnt just grt community service / slaps on wrist She did 1 year jail time, 5 years probation (not sure how much was really served) Is his sister physically ok now, after COVID? I really hope they both are able to get the help they need, they deserve the peace and I’m pretty sure that the little girl wouldn’t have wanted her uncle and her mommy to live in so much pain and suffer. I truly wish both of them the best. And to Jay personally; Laugh for her. Play with Ana, teach her stuff, have fun, enjoy life and don’t be so hard on yourself. If this would have happened to some strangers and you’d read it in the newspaper, would you blame the boy who tried everything he could to save this little girl? From what I can read in this post, but especially between the lines, you’ll be a great dad one day. Will you be able to always protect them, to never let them get hurt, to always be there, ..? No. But you will do your best. You’ll do everything you can. You’ll love this/those beautiful human being/s with every fibre of your being. This is everything you have to do. Love them. You can’t have the control over them or the things that can happen, and this is not your fault. You’re only human. And you deserve to have the life you always dreamed of, to feel free and to be yourself. Your true self. And as someone who suffers under complex PTSD: You think once you open this box, everything will rush all over you. It will consume you, you’ll lose the little control you have, you’ll get sucked in and everyone and everything around you too, your world will go down and you’re not strong enough yet to keep it together. - That won’t happen. It’s hard work and it hurts like hell. Yes. But your brain will give everything to protect you. Piece by piece. There’ll be days where you feel like you’ll never see the light, but there will be also days you’ll feel so free and loose, at peace with yourself, that things lift and you’re able to breathe again. And you’re not alone. And you won’t pull your woman down with you. Don’t forget that she wants to be there, that she loves you and she wants to carry this bag with you. And it’s much easier to carry weight when you do it together. As a team. You’re stronger than you think. Take a look in the mirror. Look into your eyes and take a moment to truly realize that you’re still here. You’re alive. You found a woman who truly loves you, a family you can build on, a future ahead of you. You’re still here. Beth has recovered from COVID, so she's physically fine now. However, she's still mentally detached and has gone back to her almost catatonic state. Jay suggested couples therapy to Beth's husband after experiencing it firsthand, but we don't have an update on it yet. Also, thank you so much for your insights. You said a lot of sensible things that we never knew (both Jay and I were clueless about therapy and psychology in general), so we actually learned new things from what you said. Jay says he appreciates you and is extremely grateful, and so am I! Happy for you both and sending energy your way for the growth and healing you need. I would think individual counseling would be a good option for you guys as well just because with trauma like this it can be very helpful. My heart goes out to Jay and am so happy you two found eachother. Yeah, that's the plan. Once Jay becomes more comfortable with therapy and feels ready enough to do it on his own, he'll have individual counseling so he can focus on his healing. I'll be right here supporting him in every step. Thank you! I have a rule that I won’t hold a baby unless it has been at least 48 hours since I dropped anything. It’s pretty rare that I succeed maybe that should be my rule too -jay Jay, I think it’ll help you to start playing in the house with Ana with OP right there. Try it for a few minutes. If you feel overwhelmed, you can also step away. OP can take over. It’ll help you to desensitize. Try it again later on and see if you can increase the duration, even if it’s just for an extra minute. When my niece was a toddler, she loved playing with me. She’d be on the floor and I’d be sitting with her or on the couch. She’d spend hours with her play phone, telling me that the monsters were over here and then she’d hand me the receiver of her play phone, telling me to call the police. So then I’d pretend to call the police. This would go on for hours. Literally hours. LOL! But it’s a wonderful memory. As for holding babies, you can try that step when you’re feeling more confident. When I’m holding a baby, especially for the first time, I’m sitting on the couch. It makes me feel more secure. And with this, again, you can try it for a few minutes. If it feels like too much, you can hand the baby back to the parents. It’s all about taking baby steps. You’ll get there. Hi, thank you for your suggestion. We've also discussed this already. However, Jay still doesn't feel like he's ready for such a step, however minor it may be. When I brought up the idea of him maybe joining us whenever I play with Ana, he had such a huge smile on his face, but then he started sweating and hyperventilating. For now, we'll settle for a more hands-off but still thoughtful approach by preparing a gift for Ana's 3rd birthday (she's in her mermaid phase, so Jay's designing a mermaid tail that we'll both create as best we could haha). We still have a long way to go, but I'm hoping we'll eventually get there. *** My friends tell me (28F) that I’m in a toxic relationship with my bf (28M), but I don’t think I am. What do I do?, Posted August 28th, 2024. Sorry, this is going to be a bit of a long one. TLDR at the end. I (28F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Jay (28M) for 6 years. Last Christmas, I made a huge discovery about Jay’s life. Long story short, his 3-year-old niece died in his arms when he was just 17 years old. They were extremely close, and they were playing in their yard when a car hit them. He tried to save her, but he eventually couldn’t. He blamed himself for it, and his family covered everything up. Jay never received any support or professional help. Also, his sister (his niece’s mom) had become catatonic following the incident, and she moved to another country with her husband. Everything resulted in Jay being uncomfortable about the topic of kids, even though he actually wanted to have his own, due to his unresolved issues. Fast forward to January. I found out that I had an early miscarriage that led to a false positive pregnancy test. I was lucky that I had my sister with me throughout the day when all this happened, but then when I came home, of course I had to tell Jay. He then spiraled and had a full-on panic attack, but this eventually led to us confronting his trauma and us getting therapy. We’ve been in couples therapy since late February. Everything was going smoothly, and our goal was to slowly ease Jay into therapy, then when he feels ready, he’d have individual sessions to address his issues surrounding his niece’s passing. That started last June. We’ve been having a couples therapy session once a month, then he’d have individual sessions 3x or 4x a month. There were times he even had to go 2x a week. I won’t go into too much detail anymore, but it has been extremely difficult for us. I can only imagine how painful and difficult it is for him. I’d like to preface this by saying that ever since I met Jay, he had been extremely kind, sweet, gentle, and caring. I’ve never heard him curse, and he’s always the peacemaker when we chance upon conflicts or commotions (in restaurants, stores, etc.). He’s usually reserved and brooding, but he also jokes around a lot. We have a running joke of out-punning each other in the grocery store for various products and brands we see. He’s also never raised his voice. If he’s mad or annoyed at me, he just gets quiet and sleeps it off, then we’d discuss it in a civil manner the next day. I’ve never seen him actually get angry at me or anything for that matter. However, when he started with his individual therapy sessions, I noticed that he started getting more irritable, neurotic, and easily triggered by a lot of small things that never bothered him before. He’s also been cooking less and less (he says that cooking has always been his happy place before), and we’ve been ordering in a lot more. I can feel him almost always being restless, like there are always a million things going through his mind and he wants to say something, but somehow couldn’t? There were also times when he wakes up at night and just sits by our window staring at nothing, like he’s in deep thought or something. I tried to talk to him once during those times, but it was as if he couldn’t hear me. Also, he’s been less endearing toward me. Like, he’s not cold or harsh or anything. It’s just…he doesn’t seem to be as sweet as before? In our past 5 anniversaries, he had these elaborate plans that always led to an extremely sweet and memorable experience (a romantic dinner at a celebrity restaurant, a video greeting from all my friends and family, a concert of our favorite band, a musical show that I love, and a meet and greet with my favorite author). This year though, he totally forgot our anniversary. He then tried to make up for it by buying me a nice dress, which isn’t even the correct size. Last week, Jay and I were invited to a housewarming party of one of my best friends. The two of us were originally supposed to attend, but he suddenly didn’t feel well, so he just dropped me off and went home. There, my best friends had some sort of intervention for me. They said that they’re all worried about me because they’ve been noticing how Jay has been treating me lately. They said that he’s been somewhat neglectful of me, and that he doesn’t treat me like how I deserve. They notice that he’s been leaving me alone a lot, flaking out on a lot of gatherings, and had been generally distant toward me and everyone else. They were even concerned if Jay had been abusive toward me, which I categorically denied since he had never ever harmed me. Lastly, my friends said that Jay had not been providing me with the emotional support I need. The past months, I had been venting out to them about various things, including my job, some family problems, and my miscarriage. They said Jay should’ve been the first person I share these things with, but I just told them that I couldn’t. Of course, I couldn’t tell them about Jay’s trauma and everything else going on in his personal life. They even theorized that maybe Jay is cheating on me, which I can confidently refute. They then advised me to break up with him if he doesn't shape up and treat me right because they said that I deserve better. Right now, I just don’t know what to do. I love and respect Jay a lot, and I know that his personality change is caused by his trauma and therapy. Our therapist warned us that this might happen because of the severity of his trauma, so I was somewhat prepared and I still know that he’s still the Jay I love and care for. However, I had no idea that to outsiders, our relationship already looked and felt toxic. I made a commitment to Jay that I’ll be with him throughout his recovery process, and I fully believe he’ll get through this, however long it takes. Despite everything, I still love him. I just…I don’t know how to reach and connect with him now. Maybe I should also go into individual therapy myself? I don’t know, it’s now kinda out of our budget and his trauma seems higher priority than what I’m going through right now. Maybe I should just wait it out? Or maybe I should listen to my friends and consider taking a break from our relationship? I really don’t want to do that because Jay needs my support, but is it the right move for me? TLDR: My boyfriend is undergoing therapy to resolve severe trauma over 10 years ago. This has caused some personality changes in him, which my friends thought made our relationship toxic. However, knowing the full context of his issues, I couldn't bring myself to break up with him (as advised by my friends). What do I do? EDIT: Additional context that Jay and I were not planning on having a baby when I had the miscarriage. The pregnancy was unexpected (I didn't even know I was pregnant), and the miscarriage was even more so. Nonetheless, it all still affected me mentally and emotionally, even up to this day. **Reminder - I am not OP.** submitted by /u/Sebastianlim to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Intrepid_Buy_3152 Originally posted to r/AITAH AITAH For Telling My Husband That I See Him As A Liability and Not A Partner? Trigger Warnings: past trauma, body injuries, property damage, possible abuse and alcoholism Original Post: July 24, 2024 Sorry for the long post, it's 2am and I'm crying and tired and worn out. If I'm rambling, it's because I've held this in for so long not wanting to burden friends or family with my marital troubles. I 34F have been with my husband (37M, we'll call him Nathan) for 8 years. Ever since our daughter (3F) was born, I have been unable to trust Nathan with anything no matter how small. Background context: When I was 19 after a semi truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and turned my car into scrap metal with me inside it. I have enough metal holding me together that I light up like a Christmas tree for TSA and physically impaired with good days and bad days. I used a portion of my settlement check to buy a house outright and have it retrofit to accommodate my needs as I'll eventually require a wheelchair. I work in software development as it's fun and nobody cares if I work from bed on bad days. My husband has not worked in 5 years. Which has been fine until our daughter was born. Between the settlement money, a paid off house, and my salary, I enjoyed having him here with me. He contributed by handling most of the domestics. We pay for a weekly cleaner with monthly deep cleaning because it gave us more time together. Ever since our daughter was born, it was like a light switch turned off in his head. For our daughter, he would buy the wrong size diapers. Not fully mix bottles. Put diapers on backwards. Leave out poop-covered wipes. Forget to latch cabinets. This past week, he has gone to the store 3 times because he keeps coming home with the wrong size socks and shoes for her. I eventually just ordered the right ones on Amazon. For me, he has tried to help me with my weekly pill organizer fill-up and several times has spilled the contents of new medications all over the floor. Then "not seeing" that he didn't get all of them off the floor. He has repeatedly brought me grapefruit juice to take my medications with - a huge no! He has repeatedly forgotten that I can't have dairy and puts milk in my coffee. Or cheese on a burger. He has broken SO many things of mine from being careless. He shattered my laptop because it slipped out of his hand when he tried to pack it for a trip. Even after I said I would pack my own electronics. We've lost so many spoons and forks to the disposal. He tried to replace the head gasket in my car and over torqued the engine bolt (??) Which shattered insode the block and two different shops said they couldn't repair it. We ended up getting a new vehicle because a replacement engine would have cost $11,000. A week later, he crashed the new car into the garage door because he thought he'd pressed the brakes, not accelerator. He wanted to do TikToks and streaming as a hobby. I supported him initially. But I quickly noticed a pattern. Anything regarding our daughter or me, he was sloppy and careless. He never whoops'd his own stuff. He would build entire sets to stream or make videos with, leave the garage, and leave his brain in the garage. It came to a head four nights ago. He streamed himself building a new set piece. Nine hours straight. Meanwhile I worked, "clocked out early" to pick up our daughter from summer camp, cooked and fed both of us, got her ready for bed. He came out to help put her to bed. I let him know that I needed to get some work done and would be in my office. And I asked him to take the trash out. He says he will. 2 hours later, I left my office and the house felt really warm. He'd taken the trash out, but left our front door partially open. And was back in the garage with his game volume really loud. I panicked since our daughter is able to get out of bed and thankfully she was sound asleep. But she could have easily toddled right out of the house and he wouldn't have noticed. Then I noticed a stove top burner was on. With a small pot on it with nothing inside. I didn't use the stove for cooking that night. I pop my head into the garage and said "hey, I need you for a minute." I informed him of the door situation and he responds "i thought I locked it". We checked the camera and no, he did not. I ask about the burner being on and he said he was planning to make ramen and forgot. He pulled the still hot pot off the burner and put it straight into the sink on top of our daughter's favorite plastic plate. Which is now ruined. I'll admit I overreacted and screamed "What are YOU DOING". He realized what he'd done and pulls the pot off our daughter's plate... and straight onto the countertop. I grab it quickly and run it under water to cool it down. I tell him I can't tonight. I can't deal with him. I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. He gets a cup from the cupboard, and sets it straight onto the burner that'd been on. I hit my limit. I started crying. He kept saying that it was fine, things happen, it's just an accident, he's had a rough day from streaming, he's just tired. Why am I crying, it's just a cup. We can replace it. The anger hit and I said "It's because I have a liability and not a partner." He said "what the fuck does that mean". I screamed that it's because I can't trust him to do anything. That I'm always having to watch him like a child. Always having to bear the costs of his mistakes. That every time I get careless and think I can trust him to be an adult, I'm always the one getting fucked over. I then said "I can't see you as a partner anymore. You're just another liability in my checkbook". He immediately stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I called my mom and told her what happened. She thinks it's just stress and offered to take our daughter for a week so we could figure this out without our daughter seeing it. She says it was an asshole thing to call my husband a liability. In the morning, I told my husband that my mom would pick up our daughter from summer camp and offered to watch her for a week. He said "ok" and that's the only interaction we've had since. He spends all day in the garage playing games with his friends, making Tiktoks, and streaming. For food, he's been ordering DoorDash and having the person deliver it in the garage. It's been days and he refuses to be in the same room as me. I've tried messaging him to ask if we can talk. Or figure out a solution. But he's just left me on read. If I pop into the garage, he ignores me but apologizes to his friends or viewers for the interruption and geek unmute his mic when the noise stops. Before the blow up, I've asked if there was something going on. I tried to gently respond every time he screwed up so our daughter didn't associate "mistake" to "anger". I asked him to schedule with a doctor to see if something was going wrong medically. He always said I was over-reacting, people make mistakes. And didn't see an issue, even when the same mistakes kept happening. When I tried to get him to understand that it was concerning just how expensive his mistakes were getting, he'd wave it off as a "it's not like we can't afford it". I love him dearly, I just miss the person he was before we had a child. The one I could trust and rely on. Did I screw this up forever? Was I being too harsh on his mistakes? Am I missing something? Am I the asshole? Relevant Comments OOP on if her husband is using her money OOP (downvoted): We do have a shared account for household expenses and bills but he is using his own money as far as I can see. When he became a stay at home husband, I didn't want him to ever feel like he was financially trapped or abused. Also the thought of my husband having to ask for money (permission) to buy things for himself or not being able to buy gifts discreetly felt ick to me. My paychecks get split between the expenses account, $300 each deposited into separate accounts the other can't see, and the rest to savings. To me, it's his money to save or spend how he wants. + I read through all the responses and have removed the allocation to his account. I also removed his name as an authorized user on the bills/expenses account. Before our daughter was born, this did seem the fairest because he was managing the household tasks and maintenance. But I understand everyone's frustration at me since the arrangement is no longer fair or equitable. I can't cancel his card because my name isn't on that account at all, but I have put a stop to this Friday's and all future deposits. OOP on if her husband contributed to anything before their daughter’s birth and afterwards OOP: Before our daughter was born, he was contributing and I valued him for it. He cooked most our meals, did the daily cleaning chores like dishes, wiping counters, cat litter scooping. We did bi-weekly grocery trips and bulk store runs together, but one-offs during the week he would handle. He also helped me hit the ground running with scrambled eggs and coffee in bed so i could take my heart medication. I never had to run the laundry or consider taking the heavier pain meds to get through folding and hanging everything. He still mostly does these, minus breakfast. Dishes sometimes sit overnight due to his streaming, but I also attribute it to our toddler wanting each part of her meal in a different small bowl and our dishwasher can only fit so many of the Ikea kids bowls. + He does do the daily things like dishes, scooping cat litter, wiping counters, getting trash out, cleaning random messes that occur, etc. Plus laundry, yard work. We pay for a weekly cleaner so we dont run into the issue of deferred cleaning (?) where neglecting the house for a few days (illness, doctor visits, family visiting, local outings, etc) doesn't ever turn into a "theres too much to catch up on omg where do i start" freeze. I've always struggled with that in the past. And the monthly deep cleaner because it's honestly just really nice having a professional come in. Our monthly deep cleaner is also a professional organizer which has been a tremendous help with the transition from infant to toddler organization of clothing and toys. OOP on her husband’s qualities OOP: He's incredibly creative and we used to have so much fun working on projects together. He's a modern day MacGyver. Give him a roll of duct tape, two pennies, some foam, cardboard and paint and he can build beautiful set pieces that could be mistaken for props on Broadway. He learned how to make a mini forge from a flower pot and a makeshift lathe. He practiced until he made the ring he proposed with. Complete with my favorite gemstone. Blue opal. His smile is infectious and he tells the best of horrible puns and jokes. He took cooking classes to learn how to make my favorite dishes and made his own notecard recipe book. He doesn't hesitate to belt out everything from AQUA to Backstreet Boys, Broadway showtunes, Nightwish, and everything in between. Offkey but as if the rest of the world isnt there. Play a Michael Jackson song and he's on the dance floor by the end of the first note. When i gave birth to our daughter, I didn't have hospital food as my first meal. He'd worked out an arrangement with the owner of my favorite restaurant. No matter what time of day or night, as soon as i went into labor, he would message the restaurant owner who would prepare my usual faves and personally deliver the meal to the hospital. I had no idea until it arrived and the smell hit my nose. I cried so many happy tears into my food. I love frogs. He used to take a photo of every frog he'd find in our yard. He designed and vaccuformed a sign for our house that has both our favorite animals that says "Welcome Home". If he was out, he'd send me photos of, or come home with, cute frog themed things. On my bad pain days where I mostly "rot" in bed, he would bring me meals. On a wooden tray he made. It converts from a carry tray to a bed tray. He got the idea from hospital food trays. He helps me get my socks and shoes on when i just cant quite do it myself. He learned how to do a few styles of updos and how to curl and flatten hair to help me feel pretty. On days where I hate the broken body I have, he'll put my hair up and it brightens my day. That's the person i fell in love with. And so deeply miss. Some days he's that person. But more frequently now, hes not.   Update: July 30, 2024 Sorry for not being so responsive. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and suggestions and all of the messages. It's been a week. Before I get into the update, going to answer some repeated questions. (Skip ahead 8 paragraphs for the actual update) Why does my husband not work? He can easily find employment but we both agreed that the pay was never worth the toxic environment of his field unless he wanted to start his own business, which he did not. He worked in home repair and renovation. It was gross how his coworkers spoke of and treated women, female customers and coworkers alike. He saw many female coworkers be sexually harassed into quitting. He hated how gross it made him feel when sales and adjusters would take advantage of women. Yes, selling inferior and unnecessary services at a premium is a thing. If he said anything, his hours would get cut until he left. He left one job on the first day because his boss left a screaming voicemail for not selling a refrigerant service to a young black couple who didnt even need refrigerant. Yes, he's got documentation and reported multiple employers to the state labor board. And checked back. Nothing was ever done to our knowledge. He's also tried a factory job and a warehouse since leaving the trades. Both heavily penalized him for needing scheduled time off for my medical needs. Theres no worker protection here for any of that until FMLA - unpaid - which takes a year to be eligible for. Yes. It is a privilege to walk away from a paying job with your middle fingers held high. I have done the same many times but am happy where I'm at right now because its the opposite of toxic. I'm thriving and our company has a no penalty, unlimited paid sick/medical leave policy that is strictly "enforced" at all levels of management. Any lead who penalizes people for taking leave gets sacked. A unicorn of a company. Add in a child and short of finding another unicorn employer who won't penalize him for needing time off for me or our daughter -such as when daycare closed for a week due to an RSV outbreak- puts him out of the workforce until either I stop working or our child old enough to not need consistent monitoring. Last reason for this dynamic is that although I'm disabled, my job pays almost double the highest salary he's ever had. With no reduction in pay for needing time off. It doesnt make financial sense for us to switch who the working partner is. Does my husband have a large following or make money from streaming/TikTok? No. His lives have an average of 6 viewers. And his Twitch has 3 followers. When we did our taxes, he didnt get a 1099 and he showed me that hed got all of $6 from TikTok live gifts. Nothing from Twitch. His viewer counts are about the same as end of last year. Why do we still have a weekly housekeeper and have our daughter in summer camp and part-time daycare? I hate the dynamic of one spouse working a single job for 40 hours a week while the other juggles simultaneous domestic duties, child rearing (care, enrichment, socialization), and essentially being on call 24/7. I would not want those expectations of me and couldn't fathom putting all of it on someone I love and cherish. If my husband did all of the activities and field trips that daycare did, his evenings and weekends would be taken up by domestic duties that i would physically struggle with assisting. The weekly housekeeper helps prevent deferred cleaning "paralysis". Where small missed things pile up into unwieldy monster tasks and struggling with where to start. The monthly deep clean and organization has been a world of self care as we navigated to having an infant and the transition from infant to toddler. (Edited to add: Our daughter started at the part time daycare when she turned 3. Before then, my partner *was* the primary caretaker which made the weekly housekeeping that much more helpful in not letting things fall to disarray.) The "allowance" thing. Yes. I wanted a dynamic where my husband had his "own" money even if he was not working a paying job. Maybe I've been on social media too long, but I've read so many stories of non working spouses (albeit mostly women) being financially abused or unable to leave marriages because they did not have access to money they could save up in private. Should I have stopped it sooner when our dynamic became too unbalanced? Yes. I own that. As for "what happens if/when we divorce", the house and settlement balance is in a trust completely separated and as far as my lawyer can tell, out of his reach. Alimony would be up for a judge to decide, but between my documentation, that his licenses/certs aren't expired, plus my continual medical costs, theres a good chance of not being obligated. Hopefully that answers most or all of the background-related questions? Onto the update. Friday I finished work to the smell of food being cooked. My husband was plating dinner on the table when I left my office. He said he wanted to talk over dinner. Some people had given me a heads up that my story was on multiple TikToks and Im grateful because it meant being prepared for the possibility he would see it. Which, I have feelings about my post being used for content on the very platform my child and I have been neglected for. Not good ones. He did see one. He asked if it was me and I told him the truth. Yes, I wrote it. Yes, that's how I feel. And Yes, I read the comments on Reddit. And no, I won't delete or change how I write about him just because I know he can see it. I don't know how to describe his reaction, but he said he'd spent the last day reflecting on "just how bad could it be" for so many medical diagnosis suggestions be given as reason and justification. He did say that he's not ADHD. His mom was addicted to opioids and Ritalin when he was a kid and she tried to get numerous doctors to have him diagnosed ADHD. She had him believing he was so he also sought out two opinions once he was an adult. He didnt learn about her addiction until his mid 20's. He did seek therapy once he was aware that his mom was trying to use him for pills. He said he was willing to see a psychiatrist one more time, but he doesn't think he's ADHD or autistic at all. He does think he might be depressed though. If not depressed, he will ask about some of the other medical suggestions if it will ease my worry or rule out a major problem. He did sound genuine in this but something he said is sticking with me. He said it jokingly and apologized as soon as he saw the hurt in my eyes. That everyone saying there's something wrong in his brain must be onto something since he chose to love and marry someone "medically fragile" knowing our life together would be anything but normal. He did also admit that the night he'd left the door open, the pot on, ruined our child's favorite dish, and a cup - he'd drank a little too much on his stream. And would monitor that more closely. He said the last few nights, he had been filling his "wine bottle" with grape juice so it looked like he was a jolly drinking viking, but was actually sober. He said he would keep doing that. After dinner, we went out and he surprised me with seeing the new Deadpool movie. We didn't go to our normal theater because he looked up what each theater had for limited edition popcorn buckets. I now have the baby Deadpool one that holds popcorn and a drink. We spent the next day going over the extent of how our family dynamic changed for the worse. How the little things have added up. How I see "change" as a part of an apology - if you verbally apologize but repeatedly do the same thing, the apology words are worthless to me. And that he didn't recognize just how frequently he was making the same/similar oopsies. Sunday, we spent talking over short and long term. What needs to change immediately, him scheduling his own doctor appointments. Timelines for expectations. He agreed that replacing or fixing things he caused will no longer come out of our expense account. He will pay it from his "allowance" account. Which we talked about. I did turn deposits back on, but only for $50 per paycheck. He suggested we keep it that way until he's "paid back" the cost of repairing the garage and car from earlier this year. He said it will take him far longer to undo the cost of destroying the engine to my last vehicle, but that he's going to step up and find ways to make it right. Yes. I see the red flags. Love bombing. Not "knowing" how frequently despite repeated talks. Thinking verbal apologies are the final step in apologizing and not "understanding" that repeatedly doing the same problem thing is the same as never apologizing. And yes, I know he will read this. Do I actually think this is resolved and we will come out of this as a perfect married couple who stays together until one of us croaks? Not really. (Full offense to husband, for now) Is it a potential resolution? Maybe. But my husband is fully aware that he has a lot to make up for, a lot to fix, and a tight schedule to make it happen. And that the lesson for our daughter (later in life) is either going to be "taking real accountability can steer a wayward ship back to course", "taking accountability is the right thing to do, even if you don't get the result you wanted", or "love alone isn't enough." tldr: Wow this sucks. I suck for letting it get this far. My husband sucks for what he's put us through. Life owes me a dinner date if its gonna eff me so hard. But there's a potential path forward that doesn't involve divorce. But may involve divorce. Edit to add: He finally read the post so please read between the lines to what I'm actually saying. Last 4 words of the previous 4 paragraphs if it's not obvious. Relevant Comments yesimreadytorumble: there is some truth to his joke given his ability to work has been impacted due to your medical needs, neither of you seem very keen on being a partner and given your take on alimony and money in general, i hope he looks out for his own financial interests. OOP: I'm trying to be a partner. It's why I am supportive and pay for help (housekeeping, part time daycare that is currently a full time summer camp) as well as ensure he has his own money to spend how he wants. There is truth that my medical needs impacts his ability to work, which would hurt him for alimony because he wouldn't need a unicorn job with unpenalized PTO if we aren't together. Would I still help him land semi-softly on his feet? Most likely. A judge, from what I've been told, would be less likely to obligate it. OOP on needing to grow a spine and have her talks with her husband to improve things OOP: I wish I could grow a spine and replace the one being held together with duct tape, screws, rust, and vibes. I'm -well- aware that he's 99.9% likely in a panic and the next month if that is going to be a refreshing, but temporary, change. Sorry people wrongly dogpiled you previously, but you are quite mistaken here for assuming my "I want to verify that my husband is indeed choosing to suck" is proof that I intend to continue living like this. BunchFull: Your two posts have a much larger following after a week that he does on all of his streaming junk combined 🤣 I have a very hard time believing he couldn’t keep a job because of how toxic his work environment was….but that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♂️ OOP: Looooook, I wasnt gonna say it. But you're not wrong. The toxic work environments part is sadly very true; I've seen the evidence he collected and submitted to the labor board. At least before everything went sideways, things were really nice with him as a house husband. Am sad he squandered it. I'll be financially able to retire in just a few years barring my career field suddenly tanking salaries though.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Sorry for not being so responsive. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and suggestions and all of the messages. It's been a week. Before I get into the update, going to answer some repeated questions. (Skip ahead 8 paragraphs for the actual update) Why does my husband not work? He can easily find employment but we both agreed that the pay was never worth the toxic environment of his field unless he wanted to start his own business, which he did not. He worked in home repair and renovation. It was gross how his coworkers spoke of and treated women, female customers and coworkers alike. He saw many female coworkers be sexually harassed into quitting. He hated how gross it made him feel when sales and adjusters would take advantage of women. Yes, selling inferior and unnecessary services at a premium is a thing. If he said anything, his hours would get cut until he left. He left one job on the first day because his boss left a screaming voicemail for not selling a refrigerant service to a young black couple who didnt even need refrigerant. Yes, he's got documentation and reported multiple employers to the state labor board. And checked back. Nothing was ever done to our knowledge. He's also tried a factory job and a warehouse since leaving the trades. Both heavily penalized him for needing scheduled time off for my medical needs. Theres no worker protection here for any of that until FMLA - unpaid - which takes a year to be eligible for. Yes. It is a privilege to walk away from a paying job with your middle fingers held high. I have done the same many times but am happy where I'm at right now because its the opposite of toxic. I'm thriving and our company has a no penalty, unlimited paid sick/medical leave policy that is strictly "enforced" at all levels of management. Any lead who penalizes people for taking leave gets sacked. A unicorn of a company. Add in a child and short of finding another unicorn employer who won't penalize him for needing time off for me or our daughter -such as when daycare closed for a week due to an RSV outbreak- puts him out of the workforce until either I stop working or our child old enough to not need consistent monitoring. Last reason for this dynamic is that although I'm disabled, my job pays almost double the highest salary he's ever had. With no reduction in pay for needing time off. It doesnt make financial sense for us to switch who the working partner is. Does my husband have a large following or make money from streaming/TikTok? No. His lives have an average of 6 viewers. And his Twitch has 3 followers. When we did our taxes, he didnt get a 1099 and he showed me that hed got all of $6 from TikTok live gifts. Nothing from Twitch. His viewer counts are about the same as end of last year. Why do we still have a weekly housekeeper and have our daughter in summer camp and part-time daycare? I hate the dynamic of one spouse working a single job for 40 hours a week while the other juggles simultaneous domestic duties, child rearing (care, enrichment, socialization), and essentially being on call 24/7. I would not want those expectations of me and couldn't fathom putting all of it on someone I love and cherish. If my husband did all of the activities and field trips that daycare did, his evenings and weekends would be taken up by domestic duties that i would physically struggle with assisting.​ The weekly housekeeper helps prevent deferred cleaning "paralysis". Where small missed things pile up into unwieldy monster tasks and struggling with where to start. The monthly deep clean and organization has been a world of self care as we navigated to having an infant and the transition from infant to toddler. (Edited to add: Our daughter started at the part time daycare when she turned 3. Before then, my partner *was* the primary caretaker which made the weekly housekeeping that much more helpful in not letting things fall to disarray.) The "allowance" thing. Yes. I wanted a dynamic where my husband had his "own" money even if he was not working a paying job. Maybe I've been on social media too long, but I've read so many stories of non working spouses (albeit mostly women) being financially abused or unable to leave marriages because they did not have access to money they could save up in private. Should I have stopped it sooner when our dynamic became too unbalanced? Yes. I own that. As for "what happens if/when we divorce", the house and settlement balance is in a trust completely separated and as far as my lawyer can tell, out of his reach. Alimony would be up for a judge to decide, but between my documentation, that his licenses/certs aren't expired, plus my continual medical costs, theres a good chance of not being obligated. Hopefully that answers most or all of the background-related questions? Onto the update. Friday I finished work to the smell of food being cooked. My husband was plating dinner on the table when I left my office. He said he wanted to talk over dinner. Some people had given me a heads up that my story was on multiple TikToks and Im grateful because it meant being prepared for the possibility he would see it. Which, I have feelings about my post being used for content on the very platform my child and I have been neglected for. Not good ones. He did see one. He asked if it was me and I told him the truth. Yes, I wrote it. Yes, that's how I feel. And Yes, I read the comments on Reddit. And no, I won't delete or change how I write about him just because I know he can see it. I don't know how to describe his reaction, but he said he'd spent the last day reflecting on "just how bad could it be" for so many medical diagnosis suggestions be given as reason and justification. He did say that he's not ADHD. His mom was addicted to opioids and Ritalin when he was a kid and she tried to get numerous doctors to have him diagnosed ADHD. She had him believing he was so he also sought out two opinions once he was an adult. He didnt learn about her addiction until his mid 20's. He did seek therapy once he was aware that his mom was trying to use him for pills. He said he was willing to see a psychiatrist one more time, but he doesn't think he's ADHD or autistic at all. He does think he might be depressed though. If not depressed, he will ask about some of the other medical suggestions if it will ease my worry or rule out a major problem. He did sound genuine in this but something he said is sticking with me. He said it jokingly and apologized as soon as he saw the hurt in my eyes. That everyone saying there's something wrong in his brain must be onto something since he chose to love and marry someone "medically fragile" knowing our life together would be anything but normal. He did also admit that the night he'd left the door open, the pot on, ruined our child's favorite dish, and a cup - he'd drank a little too much on his stream. And would monitor that more closely. He said the last few nights, he had been filling his "wine bottle" with grape juice so it looked like he was a jolly drinking viking, but was actually sober. He said he would keep doing that. After dinner, we went out and he surprised me with seeing the new Deadpool movie. We didn't go to our normal theater because he looked up what each theater had for limited edition popcorn buckets. I now have the baby Deadpool one that holds popcorn and a drink. We spent the next day going over the extent of how our family dynamic changed for the worse. How the little things have added up. How I see "change" as a part of an apology - if you verbally apologize but repeatedly do the same thing, the apology words are worthless to me. And that he didn't recognize just how frequently he was making the same/similar oopsies. Sunday, we spent talking over short and long term. What needs to change immediately, him scheduling his own doctor appointments. Timelines for expectations. He agreed that replacing or fixing things he caused will no longer come out of our expense account. He will pay it from his "allowance" account. Which we talked about. I did turn deposits back on, but only for $50 per paycheck. He suggested we keep it that way until he's "paid back" the cost of repairing the garage and car from earlier this year. He said it will take him far longer to undo the cost of destroying the engine to my last vehicle, but that he's going to step up and find ways to make it right. Just so you know. Yes. I see the red flags. Love bombing. Not "knowing" how frequently despite repeated talks. Thinking verbal apologies are the final step in apologizing and not "understanding" that repeatedly doing the same problem thing is the same as never apologizing. And yes, I know he will read this. Do I actually think this is resolved and we will come out of this as a perfect married couple who stays together until one of us croaks? Not really. (Full offense to husband, for now) Is it a potential resolution? Maybe. But my husband is fully aware that he has a lot to make up for, a lot to fix, and a tight schedule to make it happen. And that the lesson for our daughter (later in life) is either going to be "taking real accountability can steer a wayward ship back to course", "taking accountability is the right thing to do, even if you don't get the result you wanted", or "love alone isn't enough." tldr: Wow this sucks. I suck for letting it get this far. My husband sucks for what he's put us through. Life owes me a dinner date if its gonna eff me so hard. But there's a potential path forward that doesn't involve divorce. And sometimes involves divorce. Edit to add: He finally read the post so please read between the lines to what I'm actually saying. Last 4 words of the previous 4 paragraphs if it's not obvious. submitted by /u/Intrepid_Buy_3152 to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwaway-exgf25324 Originally posted to r/AITAH Previous BoRU #1 [New Update]: AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabotaged our relationship NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---- Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 and u/polandreh for letting me know about the new update! Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, controlling behavior, accusations of infidelity, harassment RECAP Original Post: January 16, 2024 I (28M) am really confused about the events of the last month. My ex-GF Julie (29F) thinks that my current GF Mindy (28F) is manipulative and sabotaged our 4 year relationship. I was in a loving relationship with Julie for the last 4 years. We met through some mutual friends. Julie and I were very compatible in terms of our love for outdoor activities and running. We have very similar lifestyles and supported each other well for the last 4 years. We have also been living together for the last three years. We even discussed getting married during the summer. Everything was great and I was planning to propose to her over the holidays. However, I started to see changes in behavior in Julie around September. She was acting distant and looked stressed. It was quite noticeable and I was worried. I trust her with all my heart and I could not imagine she would be cheating on me. However, she did spend more time by herself. Around the same time, Julie's friend Mindy messaged me privately and asked me if I could meet her secretly, as she wanted to tell me something about Julie. Mindy and Julie work together and I have known Mindy ever since I started dating Julie. I was surprised, but to be honest, I assumed the worst. I met her at a cafe after work. She asked me if things were going ok between Julie and me. She told me that Julie told her that she was planning to leave me soon. This was a total shock to me. I asked her if there was anyone else that Julie was interested in and she told me no. Julie confided in her that she was not sure about marrying me. She told me she just had to tell me this as she did not want me to be blindsided. I was devastated. I started putting more effort into making our relationship more exciting and planning more dates, etc. Mindy was also helping me through this time, and telling me more about what Julie told her. Eventually, before Thanksgiving, Julie told me that she loved me, but she wanted to take a break for a month to live alone. She said that she just wanted to live alone for a month to make sure she wanted to marry me. I was completely heartbroken. I asked her if she wanted to pursue someone else. She told me that was not the case, and I better not do anything stupid either. She loves me with all her heart, but she just wants to stay away from me to make sure that she is marrying me for love, and not because she is used to being with me. I did not understand that at all. I told her, that if she is not sure after 4 years, if she wants to marry me, then maybe we should just break up. We had a big fight and broke up after a few days. As our lease was ending, we decided to part ways in December. She got a new apartment and I kept our old apartment and just took her name off the lease. After the breakup, I was feeling very lonely, as I was not used to being in the apartment alone. I didn't want to keep on being sad and hence invited a bunch of friends for a New Year's party. I also invited Mindy. We had a good time, and my friends were doing their best to cheer me up. Mindy also mingled with my friends and it was good. Mindy decided to stay back to help me clean up and we hooked up that night. I felt guilty, but Mindy did cheer me up. Since then, we have hung out almost daily at my place. I am still sad about Julie, but I won't lie that being with Mindy does make me feel happy. She is sweet and caring. Last Sunday, we woke up and someone was banging on the door. I went to open it and it was Julie. She looked furious and started yelling at me. She kept on accusing me of cheating on her. I told her I most certainly did not cheat on her, and she was the one who broke up with me. Mindy was also at my apartment. Julie was just angry at both of us. She started calling Mindy a manipulative bitch and told me that Mindy was the one who suggested to her that she should take some time away from me to understand her true feelings. I calmed her down and asked her to explain herself. She told me that ever since our marriage talk, she told Mindy about it and Mindy kept on asking Julie if she was sure about marrying me. Mindy suggested she take some time to herself to understand her true feelings and that, I will understand and give her space. When I said no, Mindy convinced her that I was so controlling that I could not even give her one month to herself and convinced her to break up with me. Mindy told me that she did not say any such things, and these were all Julie's ideas and she was just there during these conversations. She did tell Julie that she told me about some of the things so that I get a chance to make things right with her over the last few months. That made Julie more angry and she started accusing me of emotionally cheating on her. Julie told me that the last few weeks have made her realize that we were meant to be together, but she now cannot believe I could move on from a 4-year relationship in a week. On one hand, I want to believe Julie, but she broke up with me for no fault of my own. Mindy was there for me when I was down, but now I also doubt her. She suddenly started talking to me out of the blue as we were never really close before, and immediately became my support after the break-up although Julie was her close friend. Am I the AH to emotionally cheat on Julie? Should I have told her about Mindy's texts? Should I have not moved on from her so quickly, even though Julie broke up with me? I was just hurting and Mindy was right there to support me. I need advice from someone with a clear mind on what the fuck is going on? AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP had mixed reactions Relevant Comments brsox2445 Sounds like you and Julie need to talk privately and discuss what Mindy said to each of you. As others said, this sounds all too convenient. Mindy was in both of your ears telling you both what she wanted you to hear to orchestrate this whole thing. Please reach out to Julie and ask her to talk to you alone. Even if you both don’t get back together, I’m sure you care for each other deeply and she would want you to be with someone who cares about you and won’t manipulate you (and her). Her manipulation of you is more direct but Julie is the victim as well. NTA OOP You are right. If Julie us right, I just threw a 4 year relationship under the bus in 2 weeks. ArtisticAsparagus175 So what’s your reason for sleeping with your ex’s good friend weeks after the breakup? It’s understandable you wanted to move on, but why her? OOP I was not planning on it. But she just stayed back after party and things happened. Did I feel guilty after that. Yes. I felt discarded and unwanted after a 4 year relationship and was not thinking straight.   Update #1: January 21, 2024 (5 days later) I (28M) posted last week regarding my girlfriend Julie (29F) accusing her friend and co-worker Mindy (28F) of sabotaging our relationship. Julie broke up with me in December after a 4-year relationship, and Mindy reached out to me when I was feeling down. However, when Julie realized Mindy was talking to me, she confronted both of us last Sunday morning and told me that Mindy manipulated her to break up with me. The worst part was I was not thinking straight after the breakup and ended up hooking up with Mindy after a New Year's party. After the incident, I asked Mindy that I needed some time and did not meet her since then I made the following post on Reddit and had 3000 people call me an idiot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/198l20p/aitah_my_exgf_told_me_my_current_gf_sabotaged_our/ I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to say that we were not idiots to not see what happened. You guys read an abridged version of events in 5 minutes, while we lived it for the last 7 months. I messaged Julie every day since then, to try and talk to her. She did not reply to my messages. I was not sure if she blocked me. Mindy was constantly trying to message me, asking if we could meet and talk about it. On Wednesday (one day after posting), I decided to message Mindy. I told her to tell me everything she said to Julie truthfully. I told her I would go NC, if I found out that she was lying. Mindy wanted to meet me in person or talk to me on the phone, but I wanted everything in writing. She messaged me that Julie always said good things about me for all these years. When Julie told her about us talking about getting married in 2024, she was happy for both of us. However, Julie started telling her that she had cold feet and was not sure if she wanted to marry me because of issues she observed about her parent's marriage. One day Julie told her she wanted to take a break from me. She was not sure about her true feelings for me. That was the time Mindy told me about Julie's behavior as she felt bad for me, as we were already telling our families about the engagement plans. After our fight, she said that Julie was extremely upset and told Mindy that she would never marry me. She said that the only reason Julie came back was when she heard that I was moving on as she is jealous of us. She also said that I was a good guy, and hopefully, I see that what we have is something special. I just said ok and told her I needed time. I kept on messaging Julie once a day to at least talk to her once. It was heartbreaking to think that she may have blocked me, and may never talk to me again. On Friday afternoon, Julie finally replied. She said she wanted to meet me and told me she would come to our apartment on Saturday afternoon. I cleaned the place up and was just feeling deep guilt from inside before facing her. When she came in, she looked like a shell of herself and completely broken. I sat on our sofa, but she chose to sit away from me. We asked how we both were, but it was clear that none of us were doing well. I started apologizing but she stopped me. She asked me to let her finish and not to interrupt her. She had brought her little notebook and had written down things she wanted to say to me. She told me that she truly loved me, but after we discussed getting married, she started feeling scared of the next big step. She thought those feelings were normal and would go away. So, she decided to not discuss her concerns with me. It kept on eating her from inside and she made a mistake to talk to Mindy about them. She said that she wanted to say everything to me now, so I don't get second-hand information about why she was distant and broke up with me. She said that her parents had a very rocky marriage, though they were together until her mom passed away in 2021 during the pandemic. Her parents argued constantly, and she always thought her mom did not love her dad. However, her mom was extremely dependent on him for everything, and her dad knew it and hence, didn't treat her well. She never wanted to be like her mom after the marriage. However, as we lived together, she started seeing some of those issues in our relationship. For example, when we met, Julie had a lot of credit card debt and was bad at managing her money. I helped her with that. Even though we have separate finances, I ended up managing all her finances, investments, etc. (at her request) to the point that she did not know or understand where her money exactly was. She also said that we always enjoy making nice meals for dinner every day. However, whenever I work late, she completely loses any motivation to cook and ends up eating cheese and crackers like a toddler for dinner. She also complained that in the last 4 years of our relationship, I have never said no to her for buying anything. She feels that I coddle her, and she just got comfortable with all the luxuries and things I can provide for her. She talked about this with Mindy and while Mindy initially just listened to her, she told her around September that one of her cousins also had the same issue. She decided to stay away from her fiancée for a month and within a week, she realized how much she missed him and never had doubts again. When Julie asked for a break, all she wanted to do was to live with her best friend for a few weeks, to see if she was just too co-dependent on me. She knew I was planning to propose during our Christmas trip to my parent's house, and when I told her that she could not take a break, she just freaked out and broke up with me, as she did not want to be engaged without knowing for sure that we won't end up like her parents. After this, she asked me when I started meeting Mindy, and how many times we met. I opened my chat messages with Mindy and handed her the phone. I told her I met Mindy only once in September, where she told me that Julie wanted to break up with me because she was not happy with our relationship. I already had noticed Julie's distant behavior and when I asked her, the only answer I got was, "I am fine, we are fine". Due to my insecurities, I tried to hold on to Julie and started coddling her more, planning more expensive dates, and trying to spend more time at home. When Julie asked me for a break and to stay away from me for a few weeks, I thought that was the final step before the breakup, and broke down and fought with her, which led to our breakup and her moving out. At this point, Julie's voice started cracking up. She asked me when Mindy contacted you after the breakup. I pointed her to the messages. Mindy initially just started sending me memes to cheer me up, and I just used to respond with thanks or a thumbs up. However, the messages started getting more frequent and she offered to talk to me in case I needed help. She asked me what I was doing for Christmas and New Year's, and when I told her I was inviting a few friends, she told me that she does not have any plans for New Year's, and I invited her. Julie stopped me there. She told me she did not need to hear the details after that. She told me that when she moved out of our house after our fight, she thought she was just not ready to get married to me. She stayed with her friend for two weeks and then got her new apartment in January. She told me that she was miserable and missed me badly. It became more acute, when she moved into the apartment alone, and could not stay there for even one night. Her best friend is currently staying with her in the new apartment. She realized she could not live without me within a week of living there. When she asked one of our mutual friends (on Saturday) about how I was doing, she told her about the party and told her Mindy was there. It did not make sense to her why Mindy would be at the party. She concluded that Mindy and I were having an affair during our relationship and that was the reason Mindy must have tried to break us apart, by constantly telling her that she should not get married if she had doubts. When she saw Mindy in our apartment on Sunday, she completely broke down. However, when she learned that Mindy was also talking to me and telling me the opposite things, she realized how naive she was to throw everything away without properly talking to me first. As hurt as she is seeing me with Mindy, she also does not want to lose me. She kept on calling herself an idiot and apologizing for not telling her concerns to me sooner. I sat next to her and tried to hug her, but she moved away. She asked me if I was willing to still be together, and I told her I would give anything to get her back. She told me she was also willing to forget what happened, but she had a few conditions. Her first condition was that I cut contact with Mindy. I block her everywhere and never contact her again. If I see her standing in front of me, I act as if she is invisible. I was ok with that. Secondly, she has already signed up for individual therapy and is on the waitlist. She wants us to do couples therapy so that we can talk about all the concerns we have and work through them. We also decided to hold off our engagement or marriage until we both can get into couples therapy. I was also ok with that too. Finally, she wanted me to forget the last month as a bad nightmare and never talk about it again. And if I ever make a "We were on a break" joke, she will punch me in the face. This was the first time, we both smiled. I asked her what she was going to do about Mindy as they worked together. She said the biggest punishment for Mindy is to know that she did not succeed in breaking us up. She wants Mindy to see how happy she is with me, she wants Mindy to be there when she flaunts her engagement ring in the office and gets jealous when we get married. We hugged and I felt so relieved that I had a chance to make things right for her. I asked her to stay and she agreed. The rest of the evening was nice. We ordered Doordash and watched reruns of Top Chef while cuddling on our couch. In the morning, we discussed moving in back together. I want her to move back to our old apartment, but she wants a fresh start and asked me if I am willing to move into her new apartment. Her new apartment is tiny compared to our current apartment and also not in the best neighborhood, but we will talk about it more and decide. I also will have to deal with the issue of having two 12-month leases, and how to get out of one of them. Currently, Julie went to her apartment after lunch to get some of her stuff for the week and I am writing this post. I am just so lucky that I did not lose Julie despite my terrible actions during the last month. I just hope that I will be able to work things out and get married soon, and this whole incident is a small bump in our perfect relationship. I also don't know how to address the issue where she feels coddled by my behavior and feels like I am making her co-dependent on me. It's just my personality and I need to work on that during couples therapy. However, any tips from you guys are welcome on how to make her feel less co-dependent. PS: Thanks to everyone who checked on my health during the last few days via direct messages, and sent me numbers for helplines. Don't worry, I am a marathon runner, and don't give up that easy. Relevant Comments debicollman1010 So what happened to Mindy?? OOP No idea. As far as I am concerned, she does not exist. OceanBreeze_123 So it was Mindy who suggested to Julie to take the break? OOP Yes. Mindy told Julie that she should take a break, and at the same time told me Julie wanted to break up with me because she was unhappy with me. I thought a break meant she wanted to move away and I would never see her again if I said yes. eightmarshmallows I don’t know how you can make someone who can’t even stay alone in their apartment less co-dependent. She needs her own therapist to make that happen, or she will again blame you for “making her that way”. OOP Yes. She is looking for one right now. I have been in therapy and it takes time to find the right therapist that helps you. At least now we have discussed the issue, so it will be easier for us to see the signs and work on them together.   ----NEW UPDATE---- Final Update - AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabotaged our relationship: July 10, 2024 (6 months later) I wrote a few posts 6 months ago regarding breaking up with my then-fiancée Julie because she asked me for a break and then hooking up with her friend Mindy. It turned out that Mindy was the one who encouraged Julie to ask me for a break and also befriended me and told me about Julie's intentions in advance. They were the worst few weeks of my life, but Julie and I reconciled and got back together. A lot of you have been asking me for an update, and I feel this is a good time to give a final update. AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabotaged our relationship : Update - AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabotaged our relationship : After the incident, Julie told me that she wants to get back together and forget about the whole thing, but I could see that she was still hurt by my behavior. I tried to not love bomb her and give her space as that was the reason why we broke up in the first place. Julie had a mental breakdown (and had a panic attack) during the week after she saw Mindy with me in our apartment. She got an online therapist who she still sees once a week. We also looked for couples counselling and were able to see one almost a month after the incident. We decided to put our plans for marriage on hold until then. I could feel that Julie was making a lot of effort to act normally, but something was not right. I was optimistic about us but was hard to see her suffer because of my actions. During our first couples counselling session, we both opened up about our relationship and talked about the incident. Julie apologized to me for not communicating what was in her mind and how bad she felt for putting me through all the drama. She told me that she did not know how to process her thoughts and did not want to unload all her negative feelings on me and panicked in the moment. I also apologized to her about everything and at one point, we were in competition on who gets to take a bigger blame for what happened. There were a lot of tears, and I found the experience very healing. The counsellor told us that she could see how much we love each other and should take baby steps towards talking to each other about what is in our mind. She gave us some exercises to do after going home and discuss certain things. By the time we left her office, I was so sure that I want to spend my life with Julie. I told her that and she also said that she cannot imagine a life without me. We decided to go ahead with our wedding plans. Mindy tried to contact me several times. She messaged me, but Julie blocked her on my phone and all socials. She also contacted Julie and sent some nasty messages to her. The worst was 15 days after the incident, when Mindy started posting pictures of me and her on Instagram every day. Some of those photos were intimate (non-nude) and it caused a lot of pain to Julie. Julie reported her to HR and got a transfer (and promotion) to a different department after a month. The last I heard from Mindy was when she sent me a long email on my work-email, but I deleted it without reading. The photos Mindy posted did cause a lot of drama and we had to explain to our parents and friends about what happened during that time. As you all may have guessed, I was unanimously nominated for the "Idiot of the Year" award, but I am sure my sister would give me a good run for it before the year ends. The whole issue lasted for a month, and then we never heard from Mindy again and just moved on with our lives. Julie has been talking to her therapist about her codependency issues and concerns. I think it's childhood trauma and the therapist feels that it might have amplified after her mother's sudden death. I have been trying to help Julie slowly take interest in our finances (Recommend Ramit Sethi Podcast), but she is allergic to money talks and always changes the subject. I was able to break the lease that Julie signed by paying some penalty, and we stayed in our old apartment. However, Julie wanted to move out of it as soon as possible because of the bad memories. We purchased a single-family home few months ago in a nice suburb and moved there in May. I don't think that issue of codependency is resolved and probably may have increased after the incident, but I love her will always be there for her when she needs me On to the main update. Julie and I got married last Saturday in a nice intimate ceremony held at my father's country club. All our family and friends were present, and I could not have asked for a better evening. I wish I could share photos of Julie in her wedding dress because she looked stunning. We plan to leave for our honeymoon next week, and I could not have been happier about how things turned out. Hopefully, in 25 years, Julie and I would look back at this incident as a small blip in our perfect life. Relevant Comments ed_lv: Looks like a happy update after all. Make sure to keep communicating about any issues either of you might have, and don't be afraid to go back to counselling if its' needed. OOP: Thanks. We did attend couples counselling for 2 more sessions, and it was good to talk through our expectations about each other. I know not everyone needs it but would highly recommend to any couple getting married. SilentJoe1986: I'm sorry, how are you the idiot for her leaving you because her bff got into her head? Also how is your sister trying to take away your championship belt? OOP: I feel like an idiot because I should have taken some time before moving on to the next girl willing to be with me. Julie and I were in relationship for 4 years and I almost threw everything away in 15 days. I feel if you read the first post in isolation and the 3K+ comments, you would also see why I am a idiot here. My sister is a goofball. I am sure she will do something more stupid before the end of the year. There is no way in hell I will win that title when she is around.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I, 33F, met my husband during university. A mutual friend of ours set us up, and we hit it off instantly. My husband made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future and that if I wasn’t okay with it, I would be gone. For context, my husband was adopted when he was 7 and wanted to do the same for others. I also made it clear that I wanted biological children as well, which he was okay with. We ended up married after two years of dating, and both completed our degrees. We currently have two daughters, Rosie5(bio) and Julia7(adopted). We started fostering when my bio daughter was a newborn and adopted Julia around year ago. Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family. However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores. I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point. Rosie and Julia are both smart, beautiful, joyous girls. Rosie is both in ballet and gymnastics, highly advanced for her grade level, but has a hard time making friends. Julia has started cheerleading, makes lots of friends, but she does struggle a bit in school, which my husband uses as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie. I’m currently three months pregnant with our third child, and my husbands reaction to finding out was “when can we start fostering again?” Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move. I contacted a divorce lawyer and he said nearly everything would be in my favor. We have a prenuptial agreement that allows us to keep nearly everything separate. The house is in my name, we have two separate bank accounts and one joint account, which would be split, I would not be required to pay alimony, and keep one of our cars. My husband would be getting most if not all of our retirement account. Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him. The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him. After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce. He was enraged after this, screaming about how I’m a b*tch for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system. That our daughter (Rosie) was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did. My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once. Finally, my husband stopped yelling and I could put the girls back to bed. But I have to admit, I’ve started to resent Julia. I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts. However I’m afraid if something happens again I’ll snap and I don’t want to shout at my daughters or husband. I have both girls in therapy already (Julia needs it because of her past, and we had Rosie go when started fostering.) Any advice is appreciated, as well as criticism. I’m also willing to answer any questions. So AITA? Also- these are fake names for my daughter’s privacy as well as a throwaway account. Edit1: Paragraphs Edit 2: Concerning what would happen in the possibility of divorce, we had a prenup because I come from a wealthy family. Edit 3: Rosie went to developmental therapy before traditional therapy. It was to make sure she wasn’t being affecting by kids coming in/out of the house if she gets attached to them. She now goes to a traditional therapist, so she has an adult to speak with outside of family. UPDATE: Hello, all. Thank you for the support and advice. Some clarifications: First, the prenup. A LOT of people were asking about this, so I’ll add a bit more detail here. The kind of wealth I come from is astronomical. While my family are obviously not billionaires, they are all multimillionaires. Some run businesses, are doctors, lawyers, and lots of investments into the stock market. The house that is in my name was a 22nd birthday gift. My husband was also a high earner until Covid hit, when he lost his job and had a hard time searching for another. He was making more than me at the time of marriage. Both of us had horror stories in our families about messy divorces. Oh, and my salary from work is not 250k, that’s just my total income. Investments contribute to a good portion of my yearly income. Second, while not a clarification, a request. Please stop speaking ill about Julia in the comments. She is my daughter and I’m not going to allow my husband to just have her in a divorce. She’s not property that can be settled, she’s my child. This also goes for my unborn baby. This baby is just as much mine, if not more, than my husbands. I did not go and get pregnant for fun. But I also am not going to get an abortion and I am going to raise my baby. I’m not growing a life inside of my to “give” my husband. That is ridiculous, outdated, and misogynistic. Third, Woo hoo! Not sure if I announced it or not, but I am pregnant with a son. submitted by

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Finnpinnn Originally posted to r/relationship_advice My wife (37F) and I (38M) want to adopt our teenage foster daughter but FIL (64M) is furious about it Thanks to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability Trigger Warnings: possible child abuse, anger issues, misogyny, slurs, emotional abuse and manipulation, mentions of sexual and physical assaults, religious abuse, CSAM Original Post - March 20, 2024 My wife and I have two biological teenage sons, one older and one younger than our foster daughter. We have been fostering kids for many years but the goal has always been to reunify the kids with their parents which has happened successfully each time until now. Two years ago we took in our foster daughter, now mid teens. She had been through a LOT and was labeled as a "troubled kid" and not adoptable. I won't go into details, but the issue in this matter is that there are images of her going around amongst a certain community from before we took her in. We were informed by authorities about all of this before so it's not like this came as a surprise after we got to know her. I'm not going to lie, it has not been easy. Our families have seen us struggle but almost everyone has been super supportive. The first 5-6 months were the hardest. She didn't trust us, and she was angry at the world - rightfully so. Then one random night I got up in the middle of the night and unintentionally ended up scaring her shitless, and she had a full-blown panic attack. She was ok after a little while but it was like something clicked for her that night. It was like she realized that we were on her side, and we watched her change from this angry and sad little girl to the ambitious young teenager we know today. It started with her telling us thank you for everything we did, small things like driving her to practice. And she said it with a smile on her face. It was so amazing to see her feeling better and not so lonely anymore. From there everything changed. She made new friends and got a lot closer to my sons, especially the older one. Her grades went from failing multiple classes to getting straight A's. Not because we were nagging her, but because she wanted to. Each member of our household has developed a good and strong relationship with her and the love we have for this girl cannot be put into words. We've reached that cosmic connection. She still struggles with a few things, which is totally fair after all she's been through, but she is working on it, and we are supporting her in every way we can. Overall she's doing amazing, she's so strong and I'm very proud of her. We made the decision to fight the system to change their verdict from not adoptable to available for conditional adoption, because we want to commit to her for life. We want to adopt her. Last month we got the call that they changed their verdict, and we sent in our papers that were already ready and things are looking very promising. The thing is we haven't told her yet. She knows that she is now adoptable, but we haven't asked her if she wants us to officially adopt her yet. My wife and I have talked to our sons about it, and they are fully on board. We talked to my parents, our brothers and sisters and their spouses. All of them have a good relationship with our daughter, and every single one of them is so supportive of our decision and willing to fully welcome our daughter into our family. Then there is wifes parents... MIL hasn't been awful I guess, but maybe it's because I'm comparing what she said to what FIL said. We told them about our plan and asked them about their opinion. MIL asked if we were sure as our daughter doesn't quite "fit in". My wife and I didn't understand at all since our daughter has a very similar personality as we and our sons do. But it turns out she's concerned about the visual side of it as she's clearly not our biological child and people will start asking questions. The thing is, my wife, myself and our sons are very tall. Our daughter is not. She is tiny compared to us and has a similar eye color but not the exact same. All 5 of us have the same skin tone and colored and textured hair. Not that I think this matters AT ALL(!!!) but the stupidity of it is unreal! Apart from height she could pass as our biological daughter, so I'm starting to think this is a lame excuse for something else. I told her that people would ask questions no matter what, because even if our daughter was the spitting image of my wife, it's not like she suddenly gave birth to a teenager two years ago. And the answer to any question is very simple. "She's adopted." Tadaa! It's not like it could ever become a secret now, so I don't get it. MIL didn't say much after that but it was very clear she was not on board. FIL hadn't said anything, but he didn't seem excited at all. I asked for his opinion, and he just stared at us for a minute, and then he said "Don't do this to yourself and our family." It's safe to say I was confused but I had no idea what to say. After a few more seconds he went off! He started talking about their family name, and he didn't want that ruined by a little wh**e and what would people think if they saw these images floating around on the internet. I was stunned! My wife couldn't find any words either and started crying before she just left. I didn't say a word while FIL finished ranting but 1000 thoughts went through my head. Eventually he stopped talking and I still had trouble finding any words to say. I just told him "you are sick!" and I left too. My wife is destroyed after hearing what her father thinks about our daughter. We have no idea how they know about these images as we haven't told anyone about it. I'm 100% certain my wife didn't tell them as their relationship is not that great. My wife is closer to my mother than her own so that wouldn't make sense. We have tried to hide this from the kids since this happened, but my older son sensed something was very wrong and asked about it. I told him our conversation with ILss about adopting our daughter didn't go very well, and they weren't supportive. He wanted to know why. I told him I couldn't tell him, but that it was serious and promised to talk to him about it in a few years when he's an adult. And I assured him that our daughter didn't do anything wrong, our plans haven't changed and that it's FIL who is being unreasonable. My son told me that our daughter told him a few months ago that she didn't think ILs liked her very much, especially FIL. This happened two days ago, and we haven't spoken to them since. I'm not sure I even want to try tbh. For me this is going no contact worthy. I want nothing to do with them. My wife is in pieces and has mentioned that she doesn't want them in her life after this. This has tainted our adoption experience for sure. I'm afraid though that if we piss FIL off even more that he will start talking to our family about these images. I do realize that he will look like a pig in everyones eyes, but I would like to spare our daughter from everyone knowing about what's out there. I usually talk to my mother about heavy stuff in life, but I cannot talk to her about this without feeling like I'm exposing my daughter by telling my mother more than I want to for my daughters sake. Internet strangers... I have no idea what to do from here. How do I go about the situation with FIL without creating more mess than absolutely nessesary for my daughter? Edit to add: Just to be very clear! There's no doubt in our minds that we still want to ask for our daughters permission to adopt her! Our relationship with our daughter will not change no matter what FIL does or does not do. I realized from the first couple of comments that it became unclear after the FIL incident. Sorry about that. Edit to add 4h later: I'm glad to see I'm not the only one possibly/hopefully reading too much into this. I think you have verified I'm not crazy. Wife and I had a brief talk after I posted and have decided to talk to her brothers and sister first about FILs comments. It will be a hard conversation but it needs to happen. Before I could get to it, my wife told me she wants to report the situation with her father knowing about the images of our daughter. Right now we don't know what that looks like but it has simply not been possible for him to gain this knowledge legally. There is a culprit for sure, but we will leave that to the authorities for now. Thank you for giving me a reality check! And thank you for your encouragement, we need it right now. Relevant Comments d0ey: Is he religious in a religion that looks down on sex? Because that's pretty much the only non-creepy explanation for why he might actually in this way? Either way, I'd be contemplating reporting to the authorities. OOP: Religious, yes, the no sex before marriage kind of thing, but I wouldn't say that's an overly extreme opinion compared to other people I know in their church. The big difference has to be that they have have heard of a thing called compassion. He must have skipped that day of sunday school or something. In his rant he kept saying our daughter is dirty. As if SHE did this, when in reality this was done TO her... I don't get it really. Yes, we did decide to involve the authorities. OOP on child welfare system and how messy things are with the children being the targets We actually took a course about this shortly after we took our daughter in. We were told so many predictable things and still thought "we got this". We didn't! It was so hard watching how hard she was on herself, she had no confidence, no self worth and she was literally scared of us. She has come such a long way, and everything seems perfect. But the reality is that her view on sexuality is still really messed up! Thankfully she is comfortable enough with both me and my wife to be quite open about it. If it's fun boy talk, she talks to me and if it's more serious she turns to my wife. Most kids in the system are not lucky enough to have the 'respect your own body'-talk even once. It's really sad. OOP on the biological parents’ rights and adoption processes in his state No the parent's rights were terminated many years ago. To my knowledge not adoptable is not a legal label anywhere, but I could be wrong. In our agency my understanding is 'available for adoption' means their caseworker is actively looking for adoptive parents for these kids. 'Not adoptable' are kids that the agency deems to be too risky to place permanently with a family because of one thing or another or kids that do not want to be adopted. So their caseworker is not looking for adoptive parents for these kids. Our daughter was in this group because she was completely closed off and non cooperative. She was angry and hated everyone and everything and did not want to be adopted. 'Available for conditional adoption' kids' caseworker looks for adoptive parents, but the kids usually have some sort of on going issues and are harder to find parents for. In our case it's really important for our daughter to follow up on her for years to come because for example the risk of her becoming depressed/suicidal later because of her past is relatively very high. If we adopt her both we and her therpist are required to report back to the agency every 4 months about how she is doing until she's 18, and if she's not doing well and we're not getting her the help she needs the agency has the legal right to intervene. Oh, and for the adoption to even go through to begin with there are several extra requirements for us as a family compared to what is standard.   Update – rareddit - March 26, 2024 (Six days later) I wasn't prepared for my last post to blow up like it did. I am so thankful for everyone's support. It can be hard to see how messy a situation is when you're in the middle of it and so emotionally involved as I am, so I appreciate everyone pointing out a lot of worrying details. These last few days have been a whirlwind. I have realized how messed up the situation is, but at the same time, people around us have shown how far they are willing to go to protect our little girl and how loved she is. I got a lot of questions and this post will be a long one. But I will answer as best as I can. I'll break things up a little for clarity. ILs and wifes siblings: My wife and I decided to cut the ILs off completely. There is no coming back from this. We talked to her siblings about it to give them our side before they hear FILs messed-up version. We told them what our daughter has been through, without giving details ofc. They don't normally show emotion that much, it's just how they were raised. But even my oldest BIL who is the toughest of them had to dry his eyes a few times during the conversation. Understandably. We told them about what happened with the ILs when we talked to them about adopting our daughter, and they were pissed! They agreed that this needed to be reported, and BILs wanted to be included in what was going on from there. FIL and the legal situation: Long story short, both MIL and FIL went in for questioning. For now, it looks like this happened through gossip. I'm not exactly sure if the authorities have figured out all the details yet, but I will stand back and let them do their job. Some of you mentioned that child victims of these sorts of crimes are often moved to new environments for their own safety and protection. This is the case with our daughter. But if there are leakages in the system, all that work will be for nothing, and the children who are promised a second chance at a normal life will have their whole lives ruined once again. That means this is a much bigger issue than this one incident. LE/investigators are taking this very seriously, and we do trust them. FILs explanation and electronics: My BILs and I tried to talk to FIL about his opinion of my daughter. He did repeat what he said the other day and doubled down. FIL did use God and the Bible a lot as reasons for his opinion. I don't want to blame religion, because I know a lot of religious people who are amazing human beings, and none of them would ever say gross stuff like this. Oldest BIL gave FIL a lecture. He was told that it's more than enough that FILs children think he is a mysoginystic piece of shit, they don't need to think he's also a predator prying on young children. There may or may not have been a threat or two mentioned about exposure. Seriously, this man (BIL) is the calmest, most loving human I have ever met. Every child in the family loves this guy. I have known him for almost 20 years, but that night he showed a side of him I had never seen before. I would have pissed myself if he was in my face like he was in FILs. FIL willingly gave LE every single piece of electronic device to clear his name. Even every VHS tape was given up. If everything is clear, he will be given everything back, so hopefully he doesn't have anything to worry about. My lovely wife: I'm ngl, my wife is struggling. She is in pieces after her parents' reaction. They are wrong in every way possible and have been wrong in many other ways through the years, but it seems like this was her breaking point. Like she realized that there is no hope that her parents will ever become the parents she wished for. My parents have always known her relationship with her parents wasn't great, so they have stepped up for her a little differently than my siblings' partners. My wife has a good relationship with my parents, and I did give them a little heads up that there is stuff going on and my wife is struggling. My mother has been coming by every day just to check in, to talk and to give my wife an extra hug. She made dinner a few times when we were busy, and my father has been giving the kids rides to either school or practice/games every day. They have taken a huge load of stress off my wife and me, so we could concentrate on what is going on right now without worrying about the kids. After a few days, we told them how inappropriately my FIL had been talking about our daughter (my parents know about our daughter's SA but nothing more and no details), and that we are cutting them off for good. My parents are awesome and they love my wife almost more than me and promised her to step in, not just for the kids but for her as well, so in time I believe my wife will be ok. We will get through this together. My wife and her siblings: I don't like the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". My wife and her siblings are the total opposites of their parents. They are amazing people and they are raising their kids to be amazing people. Their parents suck, but they came together and broke the circle. Sometimes the apple rolls away from the tree. The rest of the extended family: My wife and I are both close with all of our siblings, and we do live in a relatively small enough town that everyone knows everything about everyone bc of gossip. So we sort of had to include my siblings and our siblings' spouses.We told them a very short version of what was going on, that yes, we are cutting the ILs off because they are not supportive of our decision to adopt our daughter, and FIL had said some very rude and inappropriate stuff about our daughter and MIL was on his side, but out of respect for our daughter to please not ask questions without reasons. And we encouraged everyone to come to us directly if there were any rumors or anything going on. Everyone is very supportive and they agree that our daughter deserves privacy and respect - and that the ILs are assholes. Why we included so many people in our decision to adopt our daughter: I got a few skeptical but fair questions about why we asked for people's opinions about the adoption. I get the skepticism, and that is partially on me for not explaining that part very well. It was not so much that we wanted our extended family's opinion and approval, but more so that we knew where everyone was in regards to welcoming our daughter as a permanent member of our family. She is in her mid teens and we have only known her for two years. That's a lot of life to live before coming into our lives. It's not the same as welcoming a baby or a toddler into the family. We never got to take her to the park to play with her brothers and her cousins when she was a child. She wasn't present at family birthdays growing up. We didn't experience her first day of school. Every Christmas Eve, when we were watching home alone with our boys growing up, she wasn't there. All of a sudden, there's an extra teenage niece/cousin/granddaughter, and that might not come naturally to everyone. Our boys have a close relationship with my parents and their aunts, uncles and cousins, but although everyone has welcomed and loved every single one of our foster kids, everyone knew these kids already had parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and our family always respected that. Our daughter has never had any of that. She was truly alone in this world when she came to us. She is now in the process of gaining a sh*t ton of family that she never had before. That's a lot to take in as a teenager. Our intent is to guide and help her as much as we can in her relationship with everyone in our family, but to do that, we need to know what kind of relationship our family is ready to have with her. That's why we asked them, and we are thankful that they are so welcoming. I know I said my wife isn't very close to her parents, but they did have a relationship before this shitstorm started, and they would become our daughter's grandparents. I don't know if it's right or wrong to include them given the relationship wasn't that great to begin with, but I'm glad we did so they had the chance to show their true colors before our daughter got the chance to bond with them as her grandparents. The dark side in general: I'm going to be very vague here. Partially to protect my daughter and partially because I simply don't have a lot of info. Our daughter was a part of a larger case/circle that was uncovered a few years ago. She went through this hell for years. The FBI was all over it when these people were discovered, and the people behind this case are in prison thanks to them. The problem is that the circles that are distributing the material are very complicated. Even though a lot of the material was found and locked down back then, given the amount of material and the timespan, there is just no way they got it all. Sadly, this is the case in most cases when digital material reaches these online circles that distribute it worldwide. I do want to say I have so much respect for the people working on nailing these sick animals, as it is incredibly hard mentally to do what they do. Our daughter and this shitstorm: I have to admit, I don't know what is right and what is wrong to do about informing our daughter about what is going on. But we did ask our caseworker to have a meeting with our daughters therapist so we can find the best way to go about this together. The 4 of us have had regular meetings these last 2 years to make sure we are all on the same page and work together. These people are awesome and put their hearts in to what they do, so I'm sure we will figure this out as well. Our daughter's adoption process: After our daughter turned her whole life around and came out of her shell, we noticed more and more how well we fit together as a family. Don't get me wrong, my wife loves our boys, but it has been a whole new experience admiring her bonding with our daughter over girl stuff. I am a real dad jokes kind of dad. While our boys just laugh in my face when I bring my best work, our girl rolls her eyes and scoffs at me while trying to hide a smile. Our boys really know how to wrap their mother around their little finger, while I see right through them. But this girl melts my heart. Her "Please?" combined with the puppy eyes, and I am sold while my wife is a hard ass. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about the typical difference between having boys and girls. Anyway, we brought it up with our caseworker last year that we were interested in adopting our girl. She walked us through what that would entail, and we were up for it. Our daughter has been talking to her therapist and her caseworker throughout the process of changing the verdict to available for adoption, and she knows we are wanting to adopt her, and we were only waiting for the last paperwork to go through before we could ask for a court date. And she has told both of them she wants us to adopt her. After all the mess she has been through, it's important to her to have a sense of control over her own life so we did make sure she knew it was coming, but at the same time, we wanted to make this really special for her. That's why we chose to do it this way. The day after my post, our caseworker called to let us know that our paperwork had gone through. We arranged a family outing for the 5 of us. I'm not going to give too many details for our daughters privacy, but we had such a great day together, and we asked for her permission, and guess what! SHE SAID YES! We laughed, we cried, it was overwhelming. It's finally official. We are adopting her! That same night, my wife and daughter were in the living room talking while I was working in the office. My wife called me into the living room, so I went in there to talk to them. And my girl asked me "from now on, is it ok if I call you dad?"... man I did not expect this! I would be absolutely ok with her to keep using my name, but this is an honor! Ofc I said yes I'd be honored for her to call me dad! When I dropped her off for practice the next day, it really hit me when she, in front of her friends and all, said "bye dad, love you". I may or may not have shed a tear or two on my way home. Now we are 'mom and dad' to three. We don't have a court date yet, but it will probably be this summer or maybe this fall. We are thinking of having a huge adoption party when that happens, but our girl will decide what she wants when that time comes. What we do know is that we're looking forward to it regardless. College, if adopted: We have been told our daughter will lose some privileges when it comes to college tuition when we adopt her. I haven't looked too much into it yet, as we are not there yet age-wise. But it's not something we are worrying about. We make more than enough to put all our kids through college. We will look more into it when it becomes relevant. Right now the adoption is more important than money. Adoption and the FIL situation: As of now, it doesn't look like FIL had access to the content of our daughter. It looks like he's "only" a mysogynistic piece of sh*t. And bc we have gone no contact he is a non issue in the adoption process. IF something dark sees the light of day, it will very possibly play a role in court. That does not mean we don't want him exposed if he is a predator. Our girls safety is even more important than the adoption. But bc we have gone no contact it is very unlikely our daughter would ever be removed from our care. It would probably mean more of a large bump in the road on our way to adoption. Right now, all we can do is cross our fingers and wait for answers. Our sons: I will say our sons have made our daughters recovery a whole lot more manageable. Yes, we as then foster parents focused on loving our girl, and we never reprimanded her for acting out because we understood where her pain came from. But she did all the work necessary while we were supportive and gave her a nudge here and there in the right direction. But we feel like our boys have done at least as much for her as we have. They just don't know it. Our boys were initially not informed about our daughter's SA, as there was no reason for it. They were informed about the physical abuse in general, no details, just enough to understand that our girl didn't like to be touched without permission. They were very respectful of her, and our youngest even felt bad for her when he hugged me or my wife in front of her because he felt like she deserved love as well. They will never fully comprehend what our girl has been through, but they will also never understand how much they have helped her by just existing around her. They have shown her what healthy relationships with family look like and what boundaries are. Our older son and our daughter are close in age, and he introduced her at school to his friend group, including her now best friend. She has observed our boys a lot during her time with us, and they have played a huge role in teaching her how to live a worry-free teenage life. This has resulted in them having such a great sibling bond, and that melts my heart. To the few people who predict that our girl will end up pregnant by one of our boys... go outside and listen to the birds sing. Read a book. Try out a new hobby. There are a lot of really interesting things in this world other than your favorite family videos on the hub. I'm sure I have forgotten a few things, and there are a few questions I cannot answer, especially when it comes to investigations and other legal stuff. And I did change a few benign details to throw people off for privacy reasons to protect our girl. If there is update-worthy stuff later, when the investigations have been concluded, I may give it, but that won't happen for at least several months. For now, I just wanted to update you guys on our girl and assure you that she is ok. Internet strangers, thank you for your support, advice, and encouragement, and most of all, thank you for caring about our girl, my wife, our family, and victims in general. The world is not that bad after all. Top Comments Bashfulapplesnapple: The amount of tears I have shed over this post. I'm not in a position to foster children, but I am so, sooo grateful for people like you and your wife! There's so many terrible people in the system, every wonderful family like yours keeps a child out of the hands of abusers and predators. Thank you so much for the update! Wishing all the happiness for your family 💓 joiezabel: Congrats on your new daughter! You have navigated this difficult situation with wisdom. Uou seem like really good people and I wish your family all the best.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_MindlessMe 15 years ago my (then 18F) best friend (18F) got pregnant by my boyfriend (20M) of three years and my family knew about it but didn't tell me so I ran from home. Now we are back in contact after 15 years and my (33F) mom (59F) demands I mend my relationship with the ex-bf and ex BFF. Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Original Post March 18, 2021 Hello again everyone. I posted this story today, but from a different profile (Mindless_Cucamber_76). I am new to reddit and really have no idea how to work it. I really just want to share my story, so I am trying again. Thank you to all who commented on my previous post. I never realized how many amazing people are on here and I really appreciate the many advises I was given. This is a long story that really started some 15 years ago. It really impacted my (33F) life, so please bear with me. When I was 18 and in my senior year of high school I really believed my life was on a good track. I lived with with with my parents and 4 siblings (23M, 22M, 20F, 14F) and spent most of my days hanging out with my best friend Ashley (18F) and/or my boyfriend of three years Kyle (20M). Both Ashley's and Kyle's parents were best friends with my parent, so I knew both of them since we were in diapers. We spent holidays together, birthdays and visited each other all the time as we lived in the same town. Ashley's been my friend for 18 years and she truly was the person I trusted with everything. Sometimes our parents would joke that we are connected by the hip as we were together all the time. I've been dating Kyle for the last 3 years. I believed he was the love of my life and the one I would eventually marry. We were quite serious and even talked about getting married after he finished college (he was a sophomore at that point). Although I had every plan on going to university, I was quite content with the idea of being married to Kyle and being a stay-at-home mom. My parents loved Kyle and supported our relationship. I really was happy. (I think I should note here that my sister 20 F was also dating Kyle's brother 23M and that all our siblings were very close). One day, at the beginning of the school year, I noticed that Ashley was being very melancholic and detached. After a while of prodding, she told me she was pregnant. I was very surprised because I didn't know she and her boyfriend broke up a while ago and I didn't know she had anyone else like that in her life. I asked her who the father was and she didn't want to talk about it, but in a way implied that the ex was the father. She was absolutely distraught, so I dropped the topic and just consoled her. I was with her when she told her family and while her parents were disappointed, they promised to support her in whatever she decides. They tried to make her share the dad's name but she refused and made me promise to stay quiet (They did not know she had a boyfriend at one point). I was there for her for the next nine months. I went with her for an ultrasound, doc's appointments. I was there for her when she was bullied in school for being pregnant, I helped her set up the nursery, I was there when she was sick or just felt down, I held a baby shower for her, went shopping with her, I even took some parenting classes with her. We chose names together and she even asked me to be with her in the delivery room. I noticed that the pregnancy was really taking a toll on her emotionally and physically and I tried to support her in every way possible. She was my best friend, always there for me and I loved her. Some 2 weeks before her due date I went to the mall to run some errands and ran into her ex. Although I promised never to contact her, the knowledge of my friend's emotional state sent me into a fit of anger and I confronted him. I gave him a piece of my mind, told him what a piece of shit he was for leaving his ex pregnant and alone and not caring for his unborn child. He was shocked and said that he had no idea what I was talking about. Ashley never told him about the pregnancy and when I told him she was 9 months pregnant at the time, he said that it was not possible for him to be the father as they broke up over a year ago and had no relations since then. I was confused but apologized for yelling at him in the middle of the mall. After that, he became snarky, said some nasty stuff, and mentioned that maybe I should ask Ashley's friend Kyle if he is the Daddy. I didn't really think about his words in any way. Kyle and Ashley have been friends their entire lives, we were always very close (because of our parents' relationship), but they never showed any sign of being anything more. That evening my younger sister (14F) and I were preparing to have a movie night. I began ranting to her about confronting Ashley's ex and his words. My sister, who is usually very outspoken, got quiet and didn't really respond to anything I said. After a while, she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I decided to go and get some snack and went downstairs to the kitchen and heard younger sister berating my mother. This part of my memory is really fuzzy as I was dealing with lots of emotions. My sister told my mom about me running into Ashley's ex and his words and told my mom she no longer wanted to hide from me the fact that Kyle was Ashley's baby's father. I was shocked. Absolutely shocked. I stumbled into the kitchen and demanded an explanation. Both my mom and my sister became white as a sheet when they saw me and my sister started crying her eyes out. My sister explained to me (some things I also learned from other people later) that appear during the end of the summer break Kyle and Ashley attended the same house party, got drunk, and slept together. Ashley got pregnant and told Kyle but they were both ''ashamed'' and afraid of telling me. They also didn't share this with their parents. Ashley however couldn't keep the secret and told her mom and dad, who told Kyle's parents and later to mine as well. This all happened when Ashley was in her first trimester. By her second trimester all of my siblings, Kyle's and Ashley's siblings knew about this. Everyone, except for me. I simply cannot explain the way I felt. I was physically ill for the next 3 days and I couldn't speak to anyone. My parents were apologetic but explained that they didn't want to see me hurt or ruin everyone's relationship. I did not speak with Kyle or Ashley, although they bombarded my phone with messages and calls and also came to my house, I refused to see them. At one point Kyle's mom came to our house and my mom allowed her into my room. While I was lying in my bed still ill and just emotionally drained from the betrayal she tried to convince me to forgive them and how Ashley and the baby need me. I said nothing. 2 weeks later Ashley went into labor. I learned from my parents that she had a hard delivery, she lost a lot of blood and needed an emergency C-section. Kyle apparently was at the birth. I was distraught, inconsolable. Because of the betrayal by both, because I planned to be there and now physically and emotionally couldn't, because I was looking forward to this moment for months… soo many reasons. My older sister immediately went to the hospital to be with her boyfriend. My other siblings weren't at home, so I was left alone with my parents. All I wanted was to lay in my bed or cuddle in my bed with my mom and cry all my feelings out. My mom received a call from Ashley's mom. She came to my room and told me that she and dad were going to the hospital. I can was perplexed and asked her to stay with me. She said that Ashley's parents need all the support they can get and that we will discuss everything later. I tried to tell her not to go and that I also need their support, but she said not to be selfish and they left. I was left alone at the house and I just couldn't comprehend what happened in the last few weeks. I couldn't believe that my parent would go and support someone who hurt me so much, while I was also here suffering. Am I really selfish to think like that? I don't know when, but my sadness turned into rage, the kind I never experienced before. In a fit of combined emotions and feelings of betrayal, I started packing my bags and decided to leave home. It didn't take a while, but I started having second thoughts and just sat in the living room feeling empty. After a while, I received a text from my sister. The text said that Ashley gave birth to a healthy girl and that they were both okay. She attached a pic of the newborn and told me they named her Sarah (the name Ashley and I chose some month ago). She sent a second text a while later, telling me that my parents and she were going to join Ashley's and Kyle's parents in going to a bar in the town to celebrate. I don't remember much after that, I think I was just consumed by everything and my memory is very foggy. I left. I took a train and left. I stayed at a hostel in Phoenix for a while. I got a job at a store and planned to finish high school there. My parents, siblings, Kyle, and Ashley tried to contact me. My mom was sending me a panicked voice mail, demanding me to comeback. They also reported me as a missing person, but I don't think it went anywhere as I was 18. Anyway. Soon afterward I met Dean (21M). He also lived in Phoenix and had a complicated relationship with his family. We really connected and became friends soon. He helped me a lot at that time. I struggled. I had no idea how to take care of myself or how to, literally be an adult. He introduced me to his group of friends, helped me finish high school, I moved in with him and his friends. He helped me deal with my pain (I really struggled at one point and also had some regrets. I wanted to see a therapist, but I most definitely couldn't afford it). He was there for me and supported me through everything and I don't think I would have lasted long without him. We began dating after a year. He inherited some money from his grandpa and decided to move across the country to the big city. Although we weren't together for long, he asked me to go with him. I was a bit reluctant because we both had a lot of emotional baggage and I was still very insecure in my situation, but I did go. We moved, got jobs, and tried to survive. Soon after my 21 birthday, we decided to get married. It was a crazy, spontaneous decision, but we did it. I enrolled in university and Dean helped me pay for it. He himself opened a company, that took off and we were able to live more comfortably. I was in uni and also worked a part-time job to contribute. We had our ups and downs but somehow survived. After uni, I started working in his company and we slowly built it up. When I look back now, I don't think I was in love with Dean when we got married. I loved him, but I wasn't in love. But he was there for me, always, unconditionally and today I don't think I could love him more. He is the love of my life. We've been married for 12 years now and we have a two-year-old son and a six-month-old son. Sometimes I regretted leaving my family behind, but I just couldn't go back. It was very painful. I felt like my parent chose Ashley and Kyle over me. I did go to a therapist when I was 25 and tried to deal with my emotions. Last year, at the beginning of the pandemic I received an email from a 14-year-old girl named Evelyn. She explained that she was my niece (my older sister's and Kyle's brother's kid). She knew about me and wanted to meet me. Although I was reluctant to speak to her we did exchange some emails. Let me note that she did not know what transpired 15 years ago so the conversations were pretty innocent. We talked about her school, interest and she talked about my family (I learned I had 10 nieces and nephews). I also learned that Kyle married Ashley 4 years after I left and had 2 sons besides Sarah. My parents continued to have a friendship with Kyle's and Ashley's family and to me, it really felt like my family continued their normal life, despite me being gone. She tried to talk to me about what happened, but I didn't really think it was my place to explain things to her, so I simply said that relationships change and things happen in life that make us go our separate ways. We continued talking ever soo often for almost a year. In her email, this January she expressed how the pandemic had a big effect on her entire family and how my parents were struggling to keep their house and both my brothers lost their jobs and struggled to keep up with the cost. I was surprised at her knowledge of this as she was only 14, but the hardship was also causing tensions between her parents. I started to deal with a lot of guilty feelings and regrets, I also just had my baby so that was causing me lots of emotions. I talked to my husband and he was very supportive and told me that he would be there for me for whatever I decide. We are financially stable and the pandemic didn't have a great impact on our finances. We are not rich but are able to live comfortably. After learning some more details and talking with Dean, we decided to help my parent with their house. A week ago we flew back to my home state. I saw my family for the first time in 15 years. I had so many emotions, regrets, pains from the past, feelings of betrayal. My parent was, I think, relieved to see me. It was just such a weird day. We had a lengthy conversation and agreed to try and have some sort of cordial relationship. It's been so long and I am very awkward with them. Sometimes they feel like strangers. Dean and I spent a week there and we continued to have a conversation and I truly believed that we were on a path to having a friendly, yet distant relationship. But that my mom started insisting I have a sit-down conversation with Kyle and Ashley. She explained that she wants to go back to the way things were. I told her I refuse to talk to them. Although I moved on, I simply have no ties with them now and don't want to rehash anything with them. I told her I am prepared to try and establish a relationship with them as they are my family (and I truly came to care from my niece), but that I don't want anything to do with Kyle, Ashley, or their family. I never demanded them to cease their relationship with their friends, but I don't want one. Dean supports me. My mom called me selfishly and said that I simply must try and heal our relationship. I told her I will not negotiate and that it's on her to decide whether or not she wants to have a relationship with me. She said OK. But 2 days later I received a phone call from Kyle's mom (I did not give her my number) and she demanded, yes demanded, I talk with Kyle and Ashley as my return caused tensions in their relationship and their emotional health. I hung up. I called my mom and confronted her. Apparently, she gave that woman my number to heal our family bonds. I told her that she is choosing them over me again. She cried and yelled at me that I am selfish and that she just wants her family back. I hung up. It's been days since I spoke to any of them, although my mom and Kyle's mom keep on calling. Although I think I am right and I believe I should prioritize my well-being and the well-being and happiness of my husband (who has been behind me 100 % and even told my mom off) and my sons, I am starting to have some regrets. I don't know if I should listen to my mom and speak to Ashley and Kyle. I question whether I was overreacting 15 years ago. I am questioning whether I am truly being selfish for not actively trying to repair the relationship. I would really appreciate any advice or opinion on what to do in this situation. Suddenly I am questioning the entire course of my life. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. Update - 2 years later Apr 15, 2023 My gosh, it’s been 2 years since I posted this. A lot of people have been asking me for an update. First of all, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who have been sending me updates and lovely messages. I'm truly grateful. A lot of things have happened in the last few years – not all great. Without making these 100 pages long… I never mentioned my little sister in my original post. Her relationship with my parents went downhill after I left home, and she went no contact with them when she was 20. I received her number from our older sister and although it was awkward at first, it's been 15 years after all, we did start speaking again. She was very angry at me for leaving. A lot has happened in her life, and it wasn't the easiest. She has a toddler and a baby of her own and I have to say that the kids have helped us bond again. She's my best friend and we talk every day. As for my other siblings. I'm in regular contact with both my brothers, although we aren't close. My older sister and I have a good relationship now, but last year we've had a longer period of not speaking. As she is married to Kyle's brother it was hard for her to deal with all our and their family drama. We are cool now and I have a lovely relationship with my nieces and nephews. I didn't go to my niece's birthday party. It just seemed like it would be too hard for me. Now to my parents… This one is a little painful for me to write and at the time it felt like I was reliving all those shitty emotions I had at 18. My mom didn't let up with her pestering over me not talking with Kyle and Ashley. Her calls for that continued for months, even after I was home again. It bordered on emotional blackmail. She blamed me for not ''honoring her wishes'' for her friendship problems, and health problems and even accused me of keeping her grandbabies from her. Last June I had my daughter and it seems like that sent her completely over the rail. What I mean by that: 100+ calls a day, messages every 20 minutes to pester me about random things, sending me updates about people I never want to know about. When she started pestering Dean… I was done. I was afraid to block her, so I spoke to my father. This was probably the first time in the last 17 years that we had a true heart-to-heart conversation. I was emotionally drained, tired from caring for three children, and just over everything. I've probably poured all my feeling and emotions onto him. Idk what happened to them afterward, he doesn't speak much about it. Her calls slowly ceased and something else must have happened because in August he filed for a divorce. My father and I are in regular contact, although I don't think we'll ever be back to normal. Mom is devastated. In August her calls became insane and apparently not just with me. I've changed my number since then and as of February, she has not been able to reach me. I've been told by one of my brothers that she has problems with anxiety and depression, and lost a lot of friends. I don't really know whether or not she continues to have a relationship with Kyle and Ashley's family. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, nor do I want her near my kids. The things she's said to me, about me and about my husband, whom she really doesn't know, and after 15 years of no contact is crazy. Although I regret not having a mom I feel like trying and fighting to repair the little remnants of our relationship would be a waste of my emotional energy and just pure torture. As for Kyle and Ashley. I've received some calls from Kyle's mom as I mentioned in my original post. I blocked her and no other calls have been received from anyone. I really don't know what they are doing or where they are. I've had no contact with them. The only thing that really happened is that… in August when shit went downhill my BIL (Kyle's brother) brought me a letter apparently written by Ashley. I've not opened it and I really don't know if I want to. I feel like I've moved on from them, but on the other hand, I'm curious as to what she has to say after so many years. However, that in itself could bring back bad emotions. I'm doing okay now, with my babies and Dean, who is a real trooper in all of this. I'm trying to focus on my family, and I really hope that this is all behind me. To all of you… thank you, again. If anything, else happens I'll try to update sooner. NEW UPDATE Update 2 May 21, 2023 Dear Everyone! I have no idea if anyone will see this, but... During the last few months since I posted my update, I have received many messages with advice and words of support. I have no way of thanking you but know that your words truly mean a lot to me. I try to reply to everyone, but it sometimes takes me a while. A lot of questions have been asked in these messages and I can't answer them all at this time. I plan on updating soon. Just to quickly answer the most common ones: • I have not read the letter yet. Soon after updating, I started therapy again and Dean and I decided that it would be best If I gave the letter to my therapist and let him decide when and if I am ever ready to read it. • I have not spoken to my mom since the update. I've received messages on Facebook from her and Ashley's mom (which is a first). The latter I didn't even read. I've since deactivated my Facebook for the time being. • Neither Kyle nor Ashley tried to contact me via any social media. The only thing I know is that Kyle was asking my BIL for my address or number, but BIL refused them. That's when Ashley gave him the letter. BIL is in no contact with his family atm. • They are separated as per my BIL, but he does not know whether they are divorced or not. • Last week my dad was in town (he does not know my address and has never been to my house). For the first time in almost 2 decades, we had an open, honest conversation. I have to admit it was a lot and I was not good for a few days afterwards. But it was necessary. I learned a lot about my mom ( a lot of you tried to imply there must have been something in her past to make her the way she is) and the time between them learning Ashley was pregnant and my return 2 years ago. It's a lot to unpack and I'll probably be in therapy for a long time. It's a lot really, so I'll have to write a separate update. • Also. My little sister. She was not at fault and I never blamed her for hiding the secret from me. She was a teen and she knew it was wrong, but she was put under a lot of pressure by our mom. After I left her life was hell and our mom was insufferable and blamed her for a lot of things. Again thank you for your words of support and encouragement. Lots of you sent words for Dean as well and he has read them. You are right, he is the best and I probably would not have been where I am today without him. Please appreciate your families (if they are there for you in good and bad of course). Call your parents and sibling and tell them how much you love them. In moments like this, we realize how much we undervalue the good people in our lives. Thank you and I hope you are all well! EC 💜 OOP ADDED THIS JULY 12 This Comment Hello! She was never bullied before really, it started after she got pregnant. Our state is pretty conservative, so it wasn't well received that she was pregnant, unmarried, and without a partner. There was no physical violence, people were quite mean and kept reminding her of her mistakes. I don't know if people knew that he was the father, I always just assumed it was because she was pregnant. I've learned from my dad that apparently they weren't hooking up with each other before (but that could be a lie), but apparently she did like him, so it wasn't really just an awkward, drunk one-night stand with just anyone. Knowing this fact would probably kill me back then, but I sort of assumed without being told. Her ex suspected it. They didn't date anymore at the party, but I think he also never liked K, so seeing them together like that was a red flag. I wasn't a party animal, nor was she, but idk they just went that day. I don't remember if they went together or separately, but I'd assume the latter. She did have other friends after all, who enjoyed night outs. The drunkness part. I really don't remember them being that heavy drinkers. At least I never saw her drunk to the point that she was reckless or had a ''loss of memory''. So I never really believed that part much, but I wasn't there. And really it doesn't matter, drunk or not, it was a betrayal. I read some of Kyle's texts back then. I never answered any of the phone calls or anything. I never spoke to them after I learned that he was the father. I kinda regret that now, maybe it would have been more beneficial for everyone if I gave them a good earful, expressed all the pain, and gone no contact after that, but I just wasn't in the right state of mind and I was sick a lot back then. This current letter is from her and I haven't read it yet. At this point, I believe that my mom is grieving the lost of a tight family/friendship unit that we had when I was younger and some other relationship. She has yet to realize that none of HER five kids speak or see her. None of her grandchildren see her. None of us (as far as I know) speak to her. That in itself would be the end for me. I can't imagine what emotional state she must be in. We all agree that we need psychological or psychiatric help. She refused. Dad and eldest brother tried, but you can't convince someone like that. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

My future SIL is marrying my brother next summer and they are planning to have a child free wedding. I have about 3 other sisters and we all have kids as do most of my cousins at this point. Our family is kinda spread out over the country and my brother/SIL’s wedding is out of state for most of us. Once I found out they wanted to make it childfree I began to lose interest in going to the wedding. I don’t want to be away from my kids for a couple of days and it is just a hassle to find them living arrangements for when my husband and I are gone - especially since most of our adult family members will be at the wedding. We’d have to leave the kids with some friends. However, I get that it is her wedding and her decision so I just declined to go stating that I don’t want to leave my kids alone without any family to watch them. After I dropped out, my other sisters got the courage to drop out as well as they also have toddlers they didn’t wan’t to leave behind for a couple of days. Then my cousins began declining to come as well. Now it has become a huge deal in the family and caused a lot of drama. My brother has called me and yelled at me saying that I was the one who caused all the problems. I was firm when I told him I wasn’t going to his wedding unless I could bring my kids and that all our sisters/cousins pretty much felt the same way. My parents who are paying for half of their wedding are also pissed that so many family members on our side aren’t coming, they were already somewhat against the idea of a childfree wedding in the first place and have now started pressuring SIL to not make it childfree. My SIL refuses to meet in the middle and says the wedding will remain childfree, but she’s also mad at all of us for not coming. She also still expects my parents to help pay for it, which I doubt they’ll do at this point lol. I’m fine with her having a childfree wedding, I just don’t want to be a part of it if it means being away from my kids for days. AITA Edit: People keep asking why I'm mostly talking about my SIL and not my brother in the post. I know for a fact my brother was okay with having kids at the wedding, its the norm in our family and he loves his nieces/nephews. It's my SIL who wants this to be a childfree thing against the wishes of like 95% of our family and still have my parents foot the bill. My brother is just supporting her to make her happy. Edit: She has an entire 4 day itinerary planned with like 6 events that she expects to all be childfree. Are all of us with toddlers and kids supposed to swing back and forth from hiding our kids in hotels with random sitters to all the wedding activities just to keep my psycho SIL happy? And then PAY for it because she sure AF won't since our kids are our problems as she's stated to my face. submitted by /u/LegitimateRiver4033 to r/AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]