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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OrdinaryNormal2505 AITA for telling my sister to stay home from a trip she is paying for? Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU Editors Note: changed the initials L & M to Laura & Michelle for easier reading **TRIGGER WARNING: Cancer Original Post May 11, 2026 Ok a bit of background. I (33 F) have two older sisters. Laura (44 F) and Michelle (43 F). Michelle is a cancer survivor. Michelle has never gone on a trip outside of the US. and she has recently hit a big milestone. 5 years in remission. Laura and I decided that in celebration we wanted to take Michelle on her first international trip. I want to be clear that I do love Laura a lot. she really is a sweet person. When Michelle was going through treatment she helped pay some of her medical bills. watched the kids so her husband could always be at the hospital with her when she was there and be able to take care of her. she bought groceries for her neighbor for a year during the pandemic and if you need something she's there. HOWEVER, she is a horrible travel companion. She wants to be in charge and complains about everything. We went on 1 trip together and it was miserable The problem started when deciding where to go. Laura suggested a trip to the UK or Ireland. Which she and I have been to before. I pointed out that while it was nice place to visit and Michelle would appreciate it...We should go to Thailand and let Michelle plan the trip instead, and here's why... Michelle has always wanted to go to Thailand. Like since before she even graduated from high school. she has an entire Pinterest board labeled Thai Dream Vacation. she has learned thai over the years in preparation. She isn't fluent as a native speaker but is conversationally fluent. She and her husband were planning on going 8 years ago...then she was diagnosed with cancer...and medical bills pretty much depleted the vacation fund pretty quick. Michelle wants to go to thailand and this is a trip...for her. I had to put my foot down as this is Michelle's trip Since then Laura has brought up multiple issues Michelle planned the whole trip. It's very food based. A lot of it centers around trying all the food, taking cooking classes in the different regions, shopping, temple tours, beach days but Laura feels that because the two of us are paying for it we should be the ones planning it Laura wanted to have an elephant day experience and wasn't happy that the one Michelle picked was a sanctuary that did not do feeding bathing and physical interaction with the elephants Michelle planned a spa day in each area we travel Laura thinks this is a waste of time and money. Laura hate's hot weather, She is already complaining about how hot it is going to be. Laura is upset so much of the food budget is being spent on street food, markets, local restaurants. I sat her down the other day and asked her if she was just going because she felt obligated. I said that if she wanted to stay home she could and we would totally understand, but this was Michelle's trip and if she was going to go she needed to stop complaining about everything because I wasn't going to let her ruin it for Michelle. Michelle feels bad and has offered to change the itinerary and let her be in charge for half of the trip. So am I the AH for setting Laura off by telling her to stay home? Edit- I was unclear Laura is not paying for the whole trip. She is paying for half of Michelle's part of the trip and her own part. we do not expect her to pay anything if she doesn't go and I never suggested it. VERDICT: ASSHOLE RELEVANT COMMENTS beeeeeebee Slight YTA - for wanting your sister to pay for a vacation but expecting her to have no preferences or to stay home. If the goal of this trip is a sisters trip celebrating Michelle's remission, it needs to be a trip that appeals to all sisters. It’s totally reasonable to have Michelle pick the location but it sounds like you’ve made no effort to pick things Laura would also enjoy - which is pretty rude ESPECIALLY if you’re expecting her to foot the bill. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing - pick some activities or dedicate some days to places Laura would also enjoy. She may be difficult to travel with… but I’m a pretty go-with-the-flow traveler and I’d still be annoyed to get no input in a vacation I’m paying for and spending valuable vacation time on. Commenter Exactly. Like how hard would it be to pick an elephant sanctuary that Laura would want instead? And a spa in every town does sound like a bit much of the same. There’s a wide gap between making this a trip for Michelle and not accommodating Laura ’s preferences at all. OOP Because the sanctuary's she wanted to go to weren't ethical and can be dangerous to the animals and the human. ~ pumpkinbubbles More info: Is Michelle really as upset by Laura as you are or are you using 'Michelle's wishes' as some sort of proxy for your own issues with Laura? It seems like a person who has beaten cancer would be strong enough to speak up for herself. Perhaps Michelle is being bulldozed by Laura but perhaps she values traveling with her sisters (both you AND Laura) more than setting 100% of the itinerary. OOP Reading these replies and replying im begining to think L and I may have gotten so caught up with both of us going back and forth with each other and that we might have not been listening to Michelle. Update May 13, 2026 (2 days later) I would like to say first...yes...I was TA in this situation. Thank you for giving me a different perspective, as well as all the suggestions. Ok so some clarification before the update. Yes Laura was paying for herself and part of Michelle's portion of the trip BUT I never asked or expected her to pay if she didn't go. I wasn't disinviting her with the expectation of her still funding the trip. I was suggesting that if she really didn't want to go she shouldn't because it wouldn't be fair for her or Michelle. We are going to be there for three weeks. 1 massage a week at the hotel the day before we travel to the next location hardly seems that excessive. Laura did help in planning (picking hotels and activities) Her complaints were about not wanting to do what Michelle and I wanted to do because she wanted us to stay together the whole time. Ethical elephant sanctuaries mean you do not touch or interact with the elephants. Michelle found one where you Observe only. Laura was not happy because she wanted to bath with the elephants. That was never going to happen. On to the update. Laura and I met up for lunch today and I apologized for how I handled things and being so "This is Michelle's trip and she gets to decide only and if you don't like it stay home." about everything. Yes I was the AH. We had a pretty big conversation about the whole situation that included opening up about what we both thought this trip was for (celebrating with Michelle vs a sister trip) and decided that Laura is not going on the trip, And neither am I. This dream vacation was supposed to be for Michelle to celebrate her recovery and give her the trip she lost because of cancer. And that trip...was with her husband. So we are gifting her and her hubs their three week Thai dream and while they are gone we will be taking care of the niblings. and I can say that I am REALLY grateful for Laura in this situation. she is famously the most fun aunt ever and I have no idea what to do with four teenagers for three weeks other than feed them. Long story short The three of us are sisters. we love each other. Laura and I haven't really ever opened up about how watching our sister go through something that might have killed affected us and we were both trying in our own way to show her how much we loved her, but we went about it the wrong way. FINAL COMMENTS Travena_Ice Wow that sounds like the best solution. Yes it was Michelle's dream vacation with her husband and it is absolutly great that you can offer her and him that. And that you are looking after the kids during that time. She realy has the best sisters. Maybe it is possible to take a short sister-trip somewhere that you all like before or after Ill_Abrocoma3958 And let’s not overlook the husband’s side of this! Usually, these family dramas drag the spouses down, but he gets a front-row seat to how incredible his in-laws are. OP basically won "Sister of the Decade" with this move. OOP He really is great and after talking about everything Laura and I both felt like AH's to him as well and apologized earlier when we told them the new plan. We both got so caught up in our feelings over feeling like we almost lost our sister and being so afraid that the cancer might return someday and we would still lose he that we didn't really step back and think about what he went through and is still going through as well. He said letting them be teenager free for 3 weeks on the other side of the world makes up for that though so. lol THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Life-Chard-502 Originally posted to r/relationship_advice Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents, struggling with the decision Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, death of a loved one, Borderline Personality Disorder Original Post: March 27, 2025 We have been in a relationship for 9 years, engaged, and living with my fiancée for 5 years. We are financially independent, I work full-time, while she works part-time with her father. She wants me to completely cut ties with my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for many of our arguments. She sees three main issues: 1) I don’t confront them directly – She says I should tell them to their faces what kind of people they are. In her view, they are full of themselves, always boasting (e.g., “This phone of mine is really good” or giving unsolicited advice like “Why don’t you try doing it this way?”). 2) She believes they manipulate me. She interprets small things, like my dad saying, “Are you leaving already? Why not stay one more minute?” as manipulation. Even though I usually respond by saying, “No, we’re leaving,” she still sees it as them influencing me. 3) I didn’t immediately choose her when she told me to choose between her and my parents, I hesitated. She sent me a message saying: “I will not be a second choice. And I will not be an option that you don’t choose immediately without hesitation, no matter what you lose.” This wasn’t the first time she gave an ultimatum. When my parents invited us to a birthday lunch, she demanded that they stop asking because we will never to go lunch only to visit. When I asked if I could go alone, she said no—I was to stop going to family lunches altogether, end of discussion. Although she has mentioned cutting ties a few times during heated arguments over the years, she still interacted with my parents, visited them, and even prepared gifts for them. We see them about every 2–3 weeks. For over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches, even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday happened to fall in the same week as a holiday, it caused major issues to her to go to my parents sooner than 2/3 weeks period. These visits were short and uneventful—just sitting and talking. My parents rarely asked for help, except twice a year when they physically couldn’t mow their lawn due to health issues (multiple spinal fractures, diabetes, heart attack, and back surgery). Even then, she reluctantly agreed to help. I haven’t visited my parents alone once I moved out. My past & my parents today: When we were still living separately and in our first months of relationship, I once got a call from my dad telling me to put away my camera lenses I had left on the table because we didn’t arrange that I wouldn’t left there. I went and did move it away and go back to here, and she still brings this up as proof of their control over me. I agree this was some kind of control and because of that my actions against that further down of relationship were more visible. I also once told her I felt emotionally distant from my parents growing up because of their authoritative style. Maybe this made her see them in a worse light. Yes, they had more control over me in the past, but since moving out, they haven’t or I didn’t see that. They never speak badly about her, and they treat me normally. My dad still likes to act like he knows everything, but nothing extreme. Meanwhile, she works with her father every day. They talk over Viber almost daily or every other day. We frequently go on trips with her parents and visit their vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for 2–3 days. I have a great relationship with her parents. My compromise & her refusal: I told her if she doesn’t want to see my parents anymore, she doesn’t have to. I also offered to visit them less. But she refuses any compromise—I must completely cut them off, and she won’t discuss alternatives. This argument has been ongoing for 3 months. Recently, my dad had a birthday. I visited him alone for 1 hour and 15 minutes, three days later, to show her that even birthdays or holidays aren’t a priority for me. That alone was enough for her to want to break up with me. During our relationship, I told her my parents didn’t mean much to me—at the time, I truly believed it not just because I had to, but still she would probably have left me otherwise. I told her many times she is my only priority, and I’ve proven it many times. But because I didn’t instantly say, “Okay, I’ll cut them off,” she sees it as proof that they matter more than she does. The truth is, I don’t care about them as much as before, but not to the extent that I want to erase them completely. Whenever I try to discuss finding a solution, she refuses, saying she won’t change her mind—it’s either her or my parents. If I even mention that they are my parents, she gets even more frustrated. I’ve always respected her wishes, and when she still maintained some level of contact with them, I thought she was doing it for me, out of care. But now, she wants this for both of us, not just herself. TL;DR: Engaged, living together for 5 years. My fiancée demands that I completely cut off my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for our arguments. We see them about every 2–3 weeks, but for over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches—not even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday and holiday happened in the same week, it caused major issues. I offered compromises, but she refuses to discuss alternatives—it’s either her or them. Meanwhile, she works with her father daily, talks to him almost every day, and we visit her parents’ vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for a few days. I have a great relationship with her parents. She wants to break up because I didn’t immediately choose her without hesitation. How do I balanced this? Any suggestions? Edit 1: To add context, after two months, she suggested a compromise: only talking to them on the phone for birthdays and sending holiday greetings via SMS. It is a compromise, but honestly, considering the drastic demand it doesn’t feel like a real compromise to me. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: so you offered a good compromise, but she wants you completely cut off for no reason at all but her not vibing with your parents? because the examples you gave aren't really bad? annoying? possibly but controlling? it seems more like she wants to be the one controlling you. ultimatums are the ends most of the time to functioning relationships. close your eyes and imagine your future. is it with her by your side and you not allowed to see your family? OOP: Thanks for your comment. I am afraid that this isn’t the future I want. If nothing else I should be at least worthy as of compromise of any kind. There is always my and her part of the story, but in this case is really hard for me to understand her. Commenter 2: OP, this is awful. No-one has a right to dictate or demand your relationship with others and I’m afraid the only manipulator here is your fiancée. You should not have to cut ties with anyone on her say-so and your parents don’t sound awful at all, they just sound like…parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do you have friends? Other family? Or has she cut you off from everyone? OP - your partner is toxic and this relationship is not healthy. She isn’t going to change, which she had shown you every time you’ve offered a compromise. Family is important - you only have one and should treasure every moment with them. Leave your partner. OOP: Only mutual friends. She has 2 of her own friends. No other family. You can probably guess what happened with the distant family members of mine, but I accept it, which wasn’t healthy or the right way. She also doesn’t have contact with distant family. That was her decision but yeah, she hit the limit with this whole parent thing. Thanks! OOP responds to a comment about his fiancée giving in to compromise and seek therapy OOP: You are right, she doesn’t give in to compromises very often. Usually, it’s up to me to either change or we do things her way. I’ve been aware of this for about 2-3 years. I often wonder if I’m not giving enough in terms of love, but the more I think about it, the main problem seems to be that I haven’t been able to say NO. The relationship is, of course, more complicated than I’ve written. But regarding just the situation with parents, I really don't know WHY she would demand that. Especially because she refuses to open up and talk about WHY. All she says is that she’s already told me everything about this over the years, that they’re manipulating me, and that they have control—but not a single really solid argument HOW, WHEN. Regarding therapy I am looking into it. Thanks! OOP gives examples of being possible an enmeshed child from a downvoted comment OOP: As I’ve already mentioned, I really want to be unbiased. Maybe there’s something in me that suggests I was an enmeshed child. Many times, when my fiancée pointed out something problematic about my parents, I defended them by saying, “You know how they are, they just like to brag. I know it’s not okay, but I really don’t know what to do about it.” Instead of telling them directly, “Hey, that’s not okay,” I just justified their behavior. At the beginning of our relationship, I showed her that even if something about my parents bothered me, I wasn’t able to tell them. For example, if they kept asking, “When are you coming over for lunch?” or “It’s really time for you to visit us for lunch,” I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Hey, that bothers me.” I know that in the beginning, I didn’t know how to set boundaries. After about five years into our nine-year relationship, I started pushing back extremely hard. Whatever they offered, “Hey, do you need a drill? We have an extra one.” I would immediately say, “No, we don’t need it,” even if we actually did, just to avoid any further engagement. Financially, they never demanded anything from me, even when I was a child. However, my mom had access to my bank account until I was 24, which was unusual. I eventually removed her access because there was no real reason for her to have it. She only had access in case something happened to me, but my fiancée found that strange, so I canceled it without any issue. My mom didn’t even ask why. Now, I’m trying to understand the deeper reasons behind all of this. My mom would often say things like, “It would be nice if you came over,” or “You’re invited to our wedding anniversary.” I was often afraid to say no because I felt like I would hurt her. In the beginning, I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to everything: “Yes, I will,” “Yes, we will.” But in the last five years, that completely flipped, and I started saying no to everything, which they saw as me pulling away and as something being wrong. They even asked me, “Is it that you don’t want to come, or is it because she doesn’t want to? Why is it always a no?” I literally said no to everything. I explained that my fiancée simply doesn’t enjoy these family lunches. They didn’t understand it at first, but they didn’t push the issue and eventually accepted it. Over time, they stopped asking. To see people’s reactions and opinions on why she might feel that way, I didn’t even mention how much control there was over my hobbies, friendships, how much I had to report where I was, how I spoke to others, and so on. I am sure that there is something unhealthy in my relationship with my parents. Because of that, I told my fiancée, “I can go to therapy. You don’t have to go to them, we can just talk about it.” But nothing helped. OOP's additional comment after reading all responses OOP: I read every single comment. Thanks everyone to make opinion on this. For a reason I didn’t add context about how the relationship works with friends, at work, how much mistrust there is overall, how much control there is over general things, and how many restrictions there are with hobbies, etc. I definitely see a connection to my childhood in some way and why I allowed things to go to extremes. It’s not that things were like this in my childhood, but I understand now why I didn’t dare to say NO. When situations like this continued, I felt like I was missing something, like there was something wrong with me. That’s why this time, I finally said NO—I don’t want this, and I don’t wish to continue. Fortunately, something woke up in me, maybe late, but better late than never. That’s why I’m now actively exploring therapy and thinking about next steps, which will involve ending the relationship. + A lot of people ask regarding friends and replied to few but to answer your questions: - I don’t have my own friends, they are all mutual friends. She has two women friends. She is jealous to everyone around my surroundings so if my coworker would write to me outside business hours (male) she will start talking why do I chat with him. - She talk to those two friends via social network. We go together in person to coffee etc. They are old friends before we were together. - In my free time we are usually doing things together. I really don’t have my own free time for any outdoor activities like to go out walking on my own, play basketball etc. I still take some time for my personal stuff like learn about computers but mostly we are doing stuff together. - In her free time those 4 hours per day (working PT) she watch her own TV series, cooking for both of us, cleaning, some own hobbies. - I pay for all the expenses, bills. When we go to store she sometimes buy some stuff. When we go to vacation she pays for like some dinner, gift etc. Only financial problem which I directly see if I receive some bonus at payment she is really jealous.   Editor's note: adding a couple prior posts for more context to help with the said situation How to introduce couples therapy in a relationship with strong emotional cycles?: November 27, 2025 (eight months later) Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice on how to approach couple therapy in my relationship. I want to be respectful of the rules here, so I want to clarify that I’m not diagnosing my partner or claiming she has any disorder. What I can say is that some of the patterns in our relationship have been very intense, and some of them resemble what people describe in this community. I’m not here to label or blame. I love my partner deeply, and I know she struggles emotionally. I’ve started individual therapy to work on my part and to understand how to support our relationship better. My therapist suggested that couples therapy or at least a proper clinical evaluation for her could help us both. But she is very hesitant about it, mostly because she has a deep fear of trusting and opening up in a letting someone new into her emotional world. I want to respect that, but at the same time it feels like we keep hitting the same wall. She currently sees a non-clinical counselor, but there’s no structured treatment or assessment. Whenever we hit deeper conflicts, we get stuck in cycles that are extremely hard for both of us. Some of the recurring issues involve strong fears, very high emotional reactions, and expectations that I genuinely try to meet but sometimes can’t without losing myself. I’m not judging her I simply want to understand how others have navigated this and what has helped. Any experiences or advice would mean a lot. Thank you.   How did your partner react when you experienced a loss in your family?: February 14, 2026 (over 2.5 months later) I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences. For those who have (or had) a partner with BPD how did they react when you lost a parent or someone very close to you? Especially in situations where you were supporting your parent (for example staying for few days with your mom or dad after their spouse died, helping with arrangements, being physically present). Were they supportive? Distant? Angry? Jealous? Overwhelmed? I’m just trying to understand patterns and experiences.   Update: May 2, 2026 (almost 3 months later from the previous post, 13 months from the original post) Update (One year later): Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents-struggling with the decision One year later… A year ago, we briefly broke up and I moved out for a week. My main goal was to show her that this wasn’t the right way to solve our problems. There was no real compromise. She insisted that I either cut off my relationship with my parents or we would break up. She said that if I showed her she was my main priority, I could occasionally see my parents and we could move forward. Her father got involved, and I asked him for advice. After speaking with her, he suggested that I temporarily hide my contact with my parents so she could see that our relationship was my priority. Based on that, I came back. I believed that if I showed her clearly enough that she was my priority (even though I already felt she was), things would improve. During that time, I tried to maintain the relationship and reflect on possible issues with myself and my parents. This was around May. For her, I agreed not to see my parents. However, I secretly called them once every week or two and visited them every third week. I felt ashamed for lying, but in hindsight I’m glad I did, and you’ll see why. From her perspective, my main responsibility was to push my parents aside so she could feel that I cared about her feelings, even if I didn’t fully understand or agree with them. At the same time, I started individual therapy. However, because my first therapist was a woman, I had to cancel she couldn’t tolerate any women around me, regardless of age. I then asked her multiple times if we could go to couples therapy, but she insisted we didn’t need it because “we were fine?.” After 3/4 months, I kept asking where we stood on this issue and how we could resolve it. The relationship seemed better because she believed I wasn’t in contact with my parents but in reality, I was speaking to them more, not less. By August, nothing had changed. Whenever I tried to discuss a solution or asked if I could see my parents (I could no longer lie), she repeatedly said I could see them only once per year, which I couldn’t accept. One day, I reached my limit. I asked again, and she told me that if I didn’t agree, I could leave. So I did. But my feelings for her didn’t just disappear. I moved into an apartment, and we didn’t speak for a month. During that time, I went back to therapy (with the same female therapist) to understand myself what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with my family dynamics, and why nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her. After a month, we started talking again. I tried to understand her perspective better, but her reasons remained the same: my parents were “too cocky,” they influenced me too much, and they complained a lot (especially about my father’s health). I tried to find a reasonable compromise, for example, that I could see them without involving her at all. She wouldn’t need to attend birthdays or even funeral when time comes if she didn’t want to. Eventually, in November, her “final compromise” was that I could see them six times per year for 30 minutes, talk to them on birthdays or holidays, and once per month otherwise even though they lived only 20 minutes away. I couldn’t accept that. My therapist also pointed out that these demands were unusually strict. From a therapeutic perspective, my relationship with my parents seemed normal. Through therapy, I also realized I had issues with boundaries I often felt guilty saying “no,” although I had been prioritizing my girlfriend for years, so every time was “no” if she didn’t agree on it. During therapy, the topic of borderline personality disorder (BPD) came up not as a diagnosis, but as a possible explanation for some behaviors. This was the first time I had heard of it. I researched it extensively books, videos, podcasts and realized that regardless of whether she had it or not, she experienced emotions very differently from me. We started communicating more again. She asked me to switch therapists because mine was a woman, so I changed to a male therapist. I focused on understanding her emotional experience as much as possible. In December, I told her I would visit my parents for my birthday. We didn’t speak for a week afterward. The more we talked, the fewer concrete arguments she had she mostly repeated that she simply didn’t feel okay when I had contact with them. I told her we couldn’t continue like this and that we needed couples therapy. In January, we started. After six sessions, nothing changed. When the therapist asked how she felt when I contacted my parents, she said it felt like “a heavy rock” in her body, that she hated me most when I did it and loved me most when I didn’t. During that time, I still secretly visited my parents helping them with practical things, spending quality time, and having honest conversations without fear. We talked about boundaries, my fears of saying no, and what could improve our relationship. We were still separated but trying to work things out. Then, one normal day in February, my mother called early in the morning: “Son, paramedics are resuscitating your father please come home.” I called my girlfriend. She said, “Go if it’s an emergency.” I drove there, my mind was racing all over. Sadly, my father passed away. I told her the news and returned briefly to our apartment. She offered help, and we talked for two hours. Then I went back to my mother and grandmother (whom my GF also didn’t accept). After about an hour, she messaged me: “Are you still there?” said yes, that I would probably stay with my mom that night. Her response was cold at first but soon turned into anger: “I can’t believe you’d rather be with your mom than with me. You need your mommy.” That moment changed something in me. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Even in a situation like death, empathy only lasted until her feelings were triggered. I didn’t invite her to the funeral, although her mother came secretly. I tried to explain things to her parents and even suggested a book to help them understand her emotional responses. After a year of struggle, I lost both my father and my relationship. But despite everything, I feel stronger than ever. It’s still hard sometimes, but I don’t regret lying for contact with my parents. That time allowed me to build a deeper relationship with them especially now with my mother. To anyone in a similar situation take care of yourself and your loved ones. Understand that people can experience emotions very differently. And sometimes, even when there is love, letting go is the healthiest choice. TLDR: After a year of trying to save a relationship where my partner demanded I cut off my parents, I realized no compromise was possible. Despite therapy and effort, her conditions remained strict. After my father passed away and she reacted without empathy, I understood I couldn’t change the situation. I lost both my relationship and my father but gained clarity, stronger boundaries, and a better relationship with my family. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Hopefully you cut contact with her after you broke up. She was controlling. Do not ever accept a partner who tries to stop you seeing your own family. OOP: I did cut with her. Definitely I won’t accept this anymore and this is one of the reasons why I wrote an updated to maybe clear someone eyes if it is in the same position. Commenter 2: I do find it kind of infuriating that apparently she was just fine with maintaining contact with her parents, but not yours, especially when she couldn't point to any particular reason for you not being allowed other than it "made her feel bad". I'm glad you kept up with it anyway and you were able to spend time with your father in his last year. From how it sounds, that's the kind of thing you would have always regretted otherwise. OOP: Her reply on when I proposed the same rule for her parents was “they are not the same as yours” but because I wanted to try solve it I didn’t stick with that rule for her parents… Definitely would regret it otherwise regarding my father. Thank you! OOP on the book he recommended to his ex-fiancée’s parents OOP: Stop walking on eggshells, Paul T. Mason, MS in Randi Kreger Downvoted Commenter: That doesn’t really line up with how therapy works. Therapists can’t discuss or speculate on possible diagnoses of people who aren’t their patients. Especially stigmatized diagnoses like BPD, it can really harm people. Personal therapy work would be more centered on accountability for you. Your experiences, your reactions, your boundaries, and your decisions, not on armchair diagnosing or analyzing your girlfriend as a separate clinical non-client subject. The “BPD books” part especially sounds like a misunderstanding or exaggeration, therapists don’t really prescribe material for third parties like that. OOP: Maybe I should add some more information about it. After my few solo sessions with first therapist, and when ex GF refused to go to couple/solo therapy then my therapist started to noticing some patterns connected with BPD, but she explicitly told me that she can’t do any diagnosis etc. But just to help me out to maybe look for some answers regarding understanding of her feelings. It was strange also for me that she told me like that. But after looking information for months I can only say ex GF can fell differently what would be normal for me, BPD or not. Commenter 4: I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I am also very sad to see that you let this happen. You posted here a year ago and got literally dozens of people confirming for you that this is not normal and you are letting this person control you. You still continued, in fact your priority was not to have her stop controlling you but to actually allow her full control because hopefully once she felt like she was your priority she would suddenly let you see your family? I've read a lot of stories here where people put up with insane behaviour, but this frankly might be the worst. Please continue therapy because I legit don't think you've learned anything even until today, despite your last sentence stating what you think you've gained. OOP: Thank you. I have realized actually with that post year ago. And because of those people I want to therapy, do research on my own, try to understand why I am allowing this, why is she doing that, how can I help. Me and her. I didn’t allow it in the same extent, I wanted to solve relationship, that she would see that my parent didn’t have any effect on me. Was this a correct way to stick with her plan and do all the lies? Probably not. But in all this time I have learned so much regarding myself, my family, how to listen and understand more. And this is also why I am doing an update. A lot of people would just keep it with themselves, but my mission is to speak about it, to maybe help anyone in similar situation when all hell breaks loose. I have a lot to do on me, and I have learned a lot but still work in progress. Commenter 5: Dude wtf, stay in therapy to figure out why you put up with this and how you can prevent it from happening again Commenter 6: Not that this excuses any of her unreasonable explanations but out of curiosity was there a history of infidelity? OOP: Not from my end :) … but from hers, she was lying that she had an affair when we started dating (told me years later) then in the last year she told me that she was lying and wanted to made me jealous.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

One year later… Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/1lVR4ww3Cs A year ago, we briefly broke up and I moved out for a week. My main goal was to show her that this wasn’t the right way to solve our problems. There was no real compromise. She insisted that I either cut off my relationship with my parents or we would break up. She said that if I showed her she was my main priority, I could occasionally see my parents and we could move forward. Her father got involved, and I asked him for advice. After speaking with her, he suggested that I temporarily hide my contact with my parents so she could see that our relationship was my priority. Based on that, I came back. I believed that if I showed her clearly enough that she was my priority (even though I already felt she was), things would improve. During that time, I tried to maintain the relationship and reflect on possible issues with myself and my parents. This was around May. For her, I agreed not to see my parents. However, I secretly called them once every week or two and visited them every third week. I felt ashamed for lying, but in hindsight I’m glad I did, and you’ll see why. From her perspective, my main responsibility was to push my parents aside so she could feel that I cared about her feelings, even if I didn’t fully understand or agree with them. At the same time, I started individual therapy. However, because my first therapist was a woman, I had to cancel she couldn’t tolerate any women around me, regardless of age. I then asked her multiple times if we could go to couples therapy, but she insisted we didn’t need it because “we were fine?.” After 3/4 months, I kept asking where we stood on this issue and how we could resolve it. The relationship seemed better because she believed I wasn’t in contact with my parents but in reality, I was speaking to them more, not less. By August, nothing had changed. Whenever I tried to discuss a solution or asked if I could see my parents (I could no longer lie), she repeatedly said I could see them only once per year, which I couldn’t accept. One day, I reached my limit. I asked again, and she told me that if I didn’t agree, I could leave. So I did. But my feelings for her didn’t just disappear. I moved into an apartment and we didn’t speak for a month. During that time, I went back to therapy (with the same female therapist) to understand myself what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with my family dynamics, and why nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her. After a month, we started talking again. I tried to understand her perspective better, but her reasons remained the same: my parents were “too cocky,” they influenced me too much, and they complained a lot (especially about my father’s health). I tried to find a reasonable compromise for example, that I could see them without involving her at all. She wouldn’t need to attend birthdays or even funeral when time comes if she didn’t want to. Eventually, in November, her “final compromise” was that I could see them six times per year for 30 minutes, talk to them on birthdays or holidays, and once per month otherwise even though they lived only 20 minutes away. I couldn’t accept that. My therapist also pointed out that these demands were unusually strict. From a therapeutic perspective, my relationship with my parents seemed normal. Through therapy, I also realized I had issues with boundaries I often felt guilty saying “no,” although I had been prioritizing my girlfriend for years so everytime was “no” if she didn’t agree on it. During therapy, the topic of borderline personality disorder (BPD) came up not as a diagnosis, but as a possible explanation for some behaviors. This was the first time I had heard of it. I researched it extensively books, videos, podcasts and realized that regardless of whether she had it or not, she experienced emotions very differently from me. We started communicating more again. She asked me to switch therapists because mine was a woman, so I changed to a male therapist. I focused on understanding her emotional experience as much as possible. In December, I told her I would visit my parents for my birthday. We didn’t speak for a week afterward. The more we talked, the fewer concrete arguments she had she mostly repeated that she simply didn’t feel okay when I had contact with them. I told her we couldn’t continue like this and that we needed couples therapy. In January, we started. After six sessions, nothing changed. When the therapist asked how she felt when I contacted my parents, she said it felt like “a heavy rock” in her body, that she hated me most when I did it and loved me most when I didn’t. During that time, I still secretly visited my parents helping them with practical things, spending quality time, and having honest conversations without fear. We talked about boundaries, my fears of saying no, and what could improve our relationship. We were still separated but trying to work things out. Then, one normal day in February, my mother called early in the morning: “Son, paramedics are resuscitating your father please come home.” I called my girlfriend. She said, “Go if it’s an emergency.” I drove there, my mind was racing all over . Sadly, my father passed away. I told her the news and returned briefly to our apartment. She offered help, and we talked for two hours. Then I went back to my mother and grandmother (whom my GF also didn’t accept). After about an hour, she messaged me: “Are you still there?” isaid yes, that I would probably stay with my mom that night. Her response was cold at first but soon turned into anger: “I can’t believe you’d rather be with your mom than with me. You need your mommy.” That moment changed something in me. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Even in a situation like death, empathy only lasted until her feelings were triggered. I didn’t invite her to the funeral, although her mother came secretly. I tried to explain things to her parents and even suggested a book to help them understand her emotional responses. After a year of struggle, I lost both my father and my relationship. But despite everything, I feel stronger than ever. It’s still hard sometimes, but I don’t regret lygin for contact with my parents. That time allowed me to build a deeper relationship with them especially now with my mother. To anyone in a similar situation take care of yourself and your loved ones. Understand that people can experience emotions very differently. And sometimes, even when there is love, letting go is the healthiest choice. TLDR: After a year of trying to save a relationship where my partner demanded I cut off my parents, I realized no compromise was possible. Despite therapy and effort, her conditions remained strict. After my father passed away and she reacted without empathy, I understood I couldn’t change the situation. I lost both my relationship and my father but gained clarity, stronger boundaries, and a better relationship with my family. submitted by /u/Life-Chard-502 to r/relationship_advice [link] [comments]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Unseen_One Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes My MIL wants us to file for bankruptcy for her debt Trigger Warnings: financial abuse and fraud, emotional abuse Original Post: March 17, 2026 Buckle up because this story is 20+ yrs in the making. My husband (29M) and I (27F) are recently married, but we’re college sweethearts and have been together for 8+yrs. For context, I grew up in a big family that wasn’t always well-off, but worked its way to upper-middle class and my parents are both still married. My husband came from a poorer background where his parents were divorced and his mom raised him. He really only saw his father for 1-2 holidays or when they were both visiting the (paternal sides) family cabin at the same time. He lived with his mom, her boyfriend(s), and one of his half-sisters. My husband (bf at the time) was upfront that he intended on dating with the plan of marriage. As such, he was honest about his home life and finances. One day, a year into the relationship, he let it slip that his mother had taken four credit cards out in his name while he was still a child. Not sure how or when he found out, but his mom told him that she was paying them off. Naturally, I expressed how this was not okay and that he needed to get those accounts/cards in his control. He was hesitant to do so, believing that his mom was indeed paying them off. In hindsight, he was probably more hesitant because he still lived with his mother. He also didn’t want to file for fraud because he didn’t want his mom to go to jail. Understanding that his mom was a single mom of 2 kids and would have had many financial struggles while raising them, I gave his mom the benefit of the doubt but still nudged hubby to monitor his mothers progress on paying them off every so often. The year after that, my hubby (bf at time) told me he had to file for bankruptcy, because of something unrelated to the credit cards that his mother did. From my understanding, when he was a toddler, his mother claimed him as being severely autistic and filed to receive disability payments from the state. They had been receiving these payments up until he was 23 or 24 yo. When I first met hubby/bf, he told me he was autistic and truly believed he was. I have a medical background that includes experience working 1:1 with adults with autism/Asperger’s. I can say with 95% certainty that this man is not autistic. But he definitely has ADD which can be mistaken for autism sometimes. Apparently, the state was re-evaluating his case when he hit his early 20s and notified him and his mother that they were. While re-evaluating his case, the state was still sending them disability checks. Instead of not cashing the checks like you’re supposed to in this case, his mother continued to cashed the checks. A year later, the state determined that he should’ve never been receiving checks for disability and sent an invoice requesting repayment of over $20,000. The debt was in hubby/bfs name because the checks were for his disability. My mother has a background in law/finance, and I suggested they ask my mother for advice on this. Instead, he allowed his mom to help him “file for bankruptcy” and was under the impression that the debt was gone. Fast forward to 2025, when we are wedding planning and living in our own place. At this point, I suggested that my husband finally get control of those cards/accounts since we will be sharing finances and need to monitor those accounts. He agreed, but wanted to wait until after the wedding because his mom was already causing problems with just us trying to plan the wedding (picking random fights and being hostile to people we employed to help plan the wedding). It was getting to a point we were considering disinviting her from the wedding with how ridiculous her behavior was. I was fine with waiting until after the wedding. We also met with the finance people of my family to plan how we will join our finances. My brother was/is our financial planner. He looked over our financials and suggested we meet with a colleague of his to discuss consolidating our debt. We met with this colleague who pulled up our credit reports and we were shocked to see the scores/reports. We knew mine wasn’t going to be great, but hubbys credit score was normally in the 700s despite his mother’s past antics and it was now 590. The colleague shares his screen so we can see what the issues with our credit is and I can feel hubby tense up when he sees his report shows $20,000+ in debt. Hubby texted his mother about the debt. We learn that the state had still been sending letters stating this debt still needed to be paid, but they were being sent to his mother, who never shared them with us. She then told us not to worry and that declaring for bankruptcy will wipe the debt clean. This is where we realized that hubby hadn’t declared bankruptcy all those years ago and that his mother just kept quiet about this still being a problem for almost 4yrs. I was livid at this point and called my mother. My mother used to assist clients filing for bankruptcy. While hubbys mom is texting non-stop trying to convince us to file for bankruptcy, my mom is explaining that doing that would make any big financial moves (buying a house, car, etc.) impossible for the next 10yrs, there are fees costing thousands of dollars to just file for bankruptcy, and that it requires multiple court appearances. My mom was urging us not to do this. I wanted to find MIL and rip her hair plugs out of her scalp. Here we are trying to start a new life and hoping to start a family in the next 2 yrs, and his mother, who has already lived a life built on my husband’s credit, has the nerve to tell us to give up our plans for the future so that the debt she caused by the disability checks and the 4 credit cards can get washed away. Not if I had anything to say about it. My husband was withdrawn after all this, it was really starting to sink in how financially abusive his mother was. Her behavior before, during, and after the wedding also didn’t help. It seemed like every bridge hubby tried extending to her, she was burning. He also reminisced on how his half sister got more preferential treatment, having no fraudulent debt in her name and being allowed to do gymnastics. When hubby asked to join, he was only ever given a summer pass to the local pool). My mom was amazing and found the paperwork needed to file an appeal with the state on the 20k debt. My mom helped him fill out and file the papers. It can take months to years before the state even reviews the appeal and gives their verdict. We are still waiting to hear back but my mom’s confident that the appeal will go through A few months after the wedding, my husband sat down with MIL and told her we were now sharing finances and hoping to plan for a future where we could afford to start a family. We needed to monitor our credit and finances more closely. He asked for the cards and the accounts and said she’d be paying him directly. She blew up. My husband did not tell me exactly what she said, but learned that she had been running credit checks on us when she told hubby to focus on getting me to “stop opening cards”. (Our dog had to be rushed to the vet a week before this conversation because he was vomiting blood and fainting. He had an extensive work up done and were worried about the cost. His mother knew that our dog was very sick and needing tons of medications. We had opened a care card online while waiting in the exam room to be able to pay for the vet bill. Don’t worry he is fine now- just a horrible case of gastritis) In addition to that revelation, his mother said some awful shit to my husband about his “flaws”. He didn’t tell me what she said, just said that she reminded him that he’s worth nothing. From what my husband said, she was then yelling horrible things about me (he refuses to tell me what it was) and he blew up at her and quit his job at her restaurant. Before leaving, he told her that if he did not receive those cards/accounts in a month, he would be reporting fraud. I had no idea he planned on having this conversation that night and only found out when he texted me about it while I was at work. They went over 2 weeks not speaking to each other. Which was the longest I’ve seen. Although his mom is a piece of work, they were still pretty close. So this entire event surprised me. My husband was applying for new jobs but was worried it’d take a while to find something. We took a page from his mom’s playbook, and he applied for unemployment to get some of the income supplemented in the meantime. After 2 weeks, his mom called him crying and wanting to make amends. They spoke but no cards or accounts were handed over. Not long after that MIL sent my husband angry texts saying, ‘how dare he apply for unemployment’ and that she had to pay $300 because of it. My husband just rolled his eyes and ignored her. She wouldn’t have to pay anymore to unemployment though, because my husband was able to get a job after 3 weeks of searching. The hours aren’t great but the pay and benefits are good. Unfortunately, it has been well over a month, and MIL still hasn’t handed over the cards/accounts. I think she still sees her son as the non-confrontational guy he once was. But moving out and getting married gave him a spine and more confidence. My husband was forced to call the credit card companies and report the fraud. The accounts are shut down and she is being investigated. It’s up to the law if she’s going to jail or not. Between what’s she said, her behavior surrounding the wedding, and the financial abuse- We are now low contact with her and I don’t think MIL can repair the hurt she put her son through. My husband has been visiting with my parents more. I’m thankful my parents are so loving as to welcome him as their son. There are some days where he is the favorite child tbh. He needs parents that will be there for him and give him adult advice without a hidden agenda. He has MIL muted on all communications, so he can see the messages but can’t get spammed when she finds out and loses her shit. Now we sit and wait. Edit: sorry, someone brought a few details to my attention that I should probably clarify/explain. I’m a cardiac nurse. I’m good at math but finance has never been my strong suit. When it came to the disability payments, I assumed that was a state issue and not federal. Hence why I kept referring to that as a state matter. Obviously I had no hand in filing that paperwork, I just know it was done. As far as MIL telling us she had to pay for our unemployment check- this one I’m also lost on just as much as you all are. I know this is not something the employer pays, I just know she claimed she did have to pay it. Idk if it’s a manipulation tactic or what. I’m just as confused as you all are. We filed all the cards as fraud and locked our credit. I’m not complaining but I do want to share this story and bring parent-child financial abuse more awareness. I did type this story while sleep deprived and didn’t want to make it too long, so if you need clarification, just ask. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Dude. No 👎 Do not marry this guy. His/his mother's debt will legally become yours. OOP: Kinda late for that… We are married. Considering one’s fraud and one’s likely to be appealed, we should be okay. Commenter 2: Why did you marry this guy? Now it's your debt and problem. I can't believe it took this long for him to grow tf up. HIs life is literally ruined because of her, and now yours. This doesn't just go away overnight. Especially since he's known about it. Ugh. Low contact isn't enough. She deserves jail; my mom was a single mom too, as are many others who don't put their children in financial ruin as toddlers. jfc what a selfish woman. OOP: I agree that she deserves jail. And surviving two abusive relationships I understand why my husband struggled to let go of someone that was hurting him. I wouldn’t have married if my mom wasn’t so confident in reversing the debt. I love my husband. Commenter 3: She owns/runs a restaurant? That's a great job for somebody with a history of credit card fraud. There is no solution for your hubby other than going no contact with her. There is nothing in that relationship for him except more abuse. He needs to shut it down. OOP: It’s the only restaurant in a super small town. Kinda has a monopoly. Commenter 4: Please!!! Both of you need to lock your credit. On all three agencies!!! OOP: 100% agree. We have done that, but I can’t stress this enough to others. Lock your credit and only unlock it when you need to run a check then lock it again. How did OOP's MIL manage to get her SSN to do the credit checks OOP: My best guess is that she was looking in my wallet when I was carrying my SSN in it. From what we guess, she only got the number in the last 1.5 yrs. I wouldn’t be shocked if she searched my bag when I stepped away to the bathroom or to grab something on the rare occasion I did see her in person. I’m 100% certain my husband wouldn’t give her my SSN. He’s always made it clear to his mom that I was his top priority and that he’d pick me over her in a heartbeat. OOP on her husband who thought he had autism OOP: He genuinely believed he had autism. We actually butted heads over this because I told him almost immediately that he was not autistic. His medical history from his childhood was also kind of a mystery. I’m an RN and went with him to some of his appointments when we were dating. His mom claimed he saw a certain MD who never had any notes on him and was no longer in practice. Many of these comments childhood illnesses he had as a kid were hard to validate and had to be retested. I 100% believe his mom somehow manipulated the system to get the medication/diagnoses that benefitted her and that he believed her when she told him he had these issues. It’s not uncommon in cases of abusive parents for this to happen. + That part is even weirder. She said he saw a specific doctor (one that I too had seen as a child and wasn’t a fan of). When we started dating and he told me his medical history, he mentioned juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. I told him he needed to see an MD more regularly (instead of every 1-2 yrs) because that needed to be monitored. He was also taking prescription meds that were somehow still being filled without him seeing an MD every year like clockwork. His childhood MD was no longer in practice when I got hubby to finally see an MD again. We got him to establish care with another MD at the same practice. The new MD couldn’t find any notes from that previous MD about hubby’s diagnoses and treatment, just that he indeed was a pt of that previous MD. But somehow he was still getting medications for ADD and insomnia filled. New MD basically had to start from scratch and re-verify hubby’s diagnoses. They were able to verify the insomnia and ADD, but not the autism or arthritis (the arthritis had been in remission for years so this couldn’t be verified without him having another flare up). As someone who works in healthcare, I have no idea how something this big got missed for so long. But knowing that healthcare company and that previous MD, I’m not surprised that something this big wasn’t investigated once discovered or that the MD hadn’t been taking notes. Somehow his mother got lucky and found the perfect conditions to manipulate the system. Commenter 5: Why have you not canceled these cards? Lockdown credit with all three agencies and cancel the cards. You filed the appeal with disability, but is there anything else you can do on that front? OOP: Unfortunately the appeal for disability is a waiting game but we did also give the credit bureaus copies of the appeal to add to the notes about that debt. The credit card companies did close the card accounts when we reported her fraud. Commenter 6: Question: if you guys went to an actual financial adviser to go over your credits and scores why didn't these credit cards appear on your husbands credit? If his mother took them out in his name, they should have been on there. Why is your husband even giving his mom timelines to hand over these cards? She won't do it. OOP: Those cards were on the report. I only mentioned what was a surprise to us about that report. Trying not to write an even bigger novel. I asked hubby after the fact why he gave her a timeline because I also thought that was too generous, he wasn’t too sure himself. His mom clearly has psych issues that aren’t being treated. My best guess is that it was time for her to cool off, reflect, get her head out of her ass, and do the right thing.   Update: March 26, 2026 (nine days later) Update: My MIL wants us to file bankruptcy for her debts Hello everyone, I’m still scared to post an update on the situation, because many people were mean in the comments. But being a listener, I always demand an update, and I guess I should see this through. If you hadn’t read my last post, in short, my MIL had been financially abusing my husband since he was a child. This included taking credit cards out in his name and receiving disability checks from the government because of a false diagnosis of autism. My husband was not aware of this abuse until he was 18 and looking at his credit and finances and his mother came clean. I did my best to condense and explain events that spanned over +8 years in my last post, but it’s hard to remember every little detail said that were months or years ago. Especially since I have no background in finance or law. Many in the comments spoke poorly of my husband and I- let me get one thing clear, I did not share our story to get any advice about the situation or opinions on my relationship. I shared this story to bring awareness to parent-child financial abuse and how emotionally manipulative it is. Keep your opinions on our relationship to yourself. My husband grew up not having real parental figures and this year, with the wedding and re-evaluating our finances, made that very clear. Both of his parents suck, but MIL at least did the minimum to be present during his childhood. This is why it was hard for him to report his mother’s fraud. It just doesn’t take a psych degree to figure out that someone with that upbringing just wants the love of a parent and was gaslit into thinking that kind of treatment is okay. Sorry for the rant, but people on the internet forget that they are talking to another human when they make the awful comments they do. Alright, update - My husband had started a new job after leaving his mother’s bar. This job paid more, gave more hours, and even had benefits. My husband met with my mother after one of his night shifts to help him compare my work’s benefits with his. During this meet up, my husband got help reporting the credit card fraud to the credit companies and the credit bureaus. What he thought was 2 credit cards, turned out to be 5 with a total of $22,000 of debt from the cards. Meaning she was likely still using the cards. He sent one last text to his mom telling her that she had her chance and that he was reporting the fraud. She sent a storm of responses claiming that my family was trying to brainwash him to turn against her and blamed our financial situation on me. We have no idea where she gets that logic when I make x4 what my husband did working for her and I never took cards out in my husband’s name. He showed my mother the responses MIL sent him and my mom lost her shit. Neither will tell me verbatim what witch-in-law texted. All I know is that my mom changed her opinion from “tolerate her in small doses” to “fuck her, cut that toxic bitch out”. Now that the fraud is reported, the card companies have closed the accounts and they will be investigating the matter. In my mother’s experience, unless the amount is over $10k, which none of the cards totaled to, it’s unlikely there will be jail time in her future. But it will go on her record, she will be on the hook for the debt, and she’ll be fined. It won’t be long until the fraud is traced to her since the cards had her contact information listed. As for the disability payments that the government wants back pay for. We are still in the same waiting period as the last post mentioned for appealing the debt under my husband’s name. We are still very confident it will be approved since my husband met all the criteria for the appeal with proof provided. Whether that debt goes under his mom’s name or is forgiven, we will have to wait and see. The decision can take months to over a year, so we will be waiting awhile. We are now no contact with MIL. My husband rarely cries, but her abusive texts and behavior over the last year forced him to cut her off. He was still at my parent’s house when he said good bye for good and blocked MIL on everything. My parents reminded him that he’s a part of my family now and that he isn’t without parents. They gave him a hug, which his bio parents never did, and they took him out for breakfast to make him feel better. My husband now has the loving parents he deserves and I’m proud to be from a family that loves and helps others. Parent-child financial abuse and exploitation isn’t talked about enough. Kids in these situations don’t always feel safe reporting the fraud because they fear losing basic needs (food/shelter), what they think is parental love, or the loss of other familial relationships. Just like any abusive relationship, unless you have been in one, you have no idea how difficult it is to escape it. Relevant Comments Commenter 1: Good luck, OP. I hope it works out for you and your husband. And, you have a great family! Your husband is lucky to have hooked up with just the right person. OOP: He’s told me how lucky he is to be with me since we first started dating. But I’m lucky to be with a man who treats me so well. Commenter 2: I used to work for a water utility company, and I've witnessed parental financial abuse firsthand. The worst one was a guy like your husband that had no idea his mom had taken out water service in his name. Unfortunately, one of the properties she had an account under his info had a water main break between the street and the house. The water bill was thousands of dollars. The look of total devastation on the guy's face when he was told that he had to either file a police report against his mom or pay the bill, is one I'll never forget. Of course his mom was there being loud and dramatic saying that he wasn't going to file a police report against her and she wasn't going to pay. The police report was the only way the water charges would be removed from his info and put into his mom's name and info. The same thing happened several times but not as bad as that one guy. I just don't understand how a parent could do that to their child. OOP: Omg I never thought about taking utilities out in a child’s name, but I can see how easy that’d be. I’m thankful MIL didn’t expand to utilities now with how expensive it is these days. OOP on her husband's sister's thoughts on the whole incident OOP: He has 2 half-sisters. One from dad (Emmi), one from mom (Maddy). I was the first person he had ever told about the finance stuff since he saw a future with me. His sisters never found out until just this month when shit really blew up. Both sisters keep MIL at an arm’s length because of her toxic personality. My husband grew up living with Maddy. He and Maddy were treated very differently growing up. Maddy’s father is from a native tribe that owns casinos. MIL gave Maddy preferential treatment growing up in hopes to get some of that money. Maddy has never been scared to call MIL out on shit because she knew her mom wanted that money. Maddy keeps MIL at an arm’s length and only sees her on occasion. But she isn’t shocked that MIL would commit identity theft towards her own son. She’s been the one reminding MIL that the only one she should blame for all of this is herself. It has been about 3 years since Maddy got that tribe money. MIL has never seen a cent of it. Emmi was a bit more shocked (but not by a lot) to find out. But she hadn’t seen MIL in decades since hubby came to family functions without MIL. Both sisters side with us and keep low contact with MIL. OOP needs to get her husband a new phone and therapy OOP: We will definitely have to get him a new phone. I’m trying to get him to talk to a therapist, but he doesn’t think he needs one. I’m trying to get him out of that “don’t seek help unless I’m dying” mentality. + Thankfully, the hospital I work for has a ton of mental health resources, including free telephone therapy for employees and their families and other virtual therapy options. I made it clear to my husband that there were confidential resources available and showed him his options. Like many guys, he isn’t one to seek help from a doctor unless he’s dying or talk about his feelings often. He isn’t open to trying therapy now, but I’ve made it clear the option is there for him when he’s ready. He also knows that I’ve seen a few therapists over the years, so he wouldn’t get any judgement from me about seeing one. Commenter 2: Just to be clear, your husband also reported the fraud to the police? (And good for him cutting her off. That had to be very hard for him.) OOP: He could not bring himself to file a police report. In some cases a police report is required to clear debt from fraud, but in this case none of the creditors required one. But creditors will be submitting their findings surrounding the fraud to the police which is how she’d face penalties. She put no effort in making herself untraceable since she thought her son would let this continue for who knows how long. Commenter 3: I'm glad that things are looking up since last time, but something I thought reading your last post was that this sounds like a situation where you should hire professionals who aren't related to you. IIRC your mom is familiar with this kind of situation but not actually a lawyer and your brother was your financial advisor until recently. Which is sort of an issue when you're dealing with a situation that is a) super emotionally fraught and b) pretty complicated and serious. It would probably be a good idea to hire someone who can double check to make sure your MIL didn't do anything else. Someone who doesn't have to take their relationship with your husband and you into account. OOP: That’s a fair assessment. My work provides financial counseling and legal advice for free so it wouldn’t hurt to have someone look things over again. Commenter 4: The part about him just wanting a parent's love and being gaslit into thinking the abuse was normal is honestly the saddest thing I've read all week. Financial abuse from a parent is so insidious because the child spends years defending the very person hurting them. OOP: That was a part that put a strain on our relationship too. I could see he knew she was horrible to him, but he couldn’t let go. No matter how much I told him that his mom was a horrible person. He made it clear he’d always choose me over her. So I let her tear her own relationship apart.   DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP submitted by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

My husband (26M) and I (23F) currently live in an apartment with our roommate, our 4 year old child, and our two cats. Right now, we’re in the middle of moving my husband’s belongings in, so the apartment has been pretty chaotic there are large storage boxes everywhere, and things have been overwhelming. Earlier this week, my mom (47F) traveled out of town for a convention where she’s speaking. She asked if I could watch her dog a 3 year old pit mix from Thursday through Sunday so her husband (50M) could join her for the weekend. I agreed because I love their dog and was happy to help. Before picking him up, I called both of them to confirm his routine and make sure everything was okay. They both told me he was fine, just to take him out about four times a day. My mom’s husband mentioned that he had been peeing in one spot at home, but they thought it was just because he could smell previous accidents. However, when I picked him up, it was immediately clear something wasn’t right. He had a strong urine smell on him, and before even getting into my car, he urinated multiple times. When we got to my apartment, he continued to urinate frequently, but it wasn’t normal it was more like constant dribbling, and it would take him a long time to finish. Once inside, he kept trying to go to the bathroom throughout the apartment. I called my mom to explain what was happening, but she brushed it off and said he was probably just nervous. After talking with my husband, I called her again and pushed the issue more. That’s when she told me he had a UTI but also admitted he hadn’t actually been taken to the vet yet, even though they had said he was improving. I told her he clearly needs medical attention as soon as possible and offered to take him to the vet if they could set up the appointment. She responded that it would have to wait until next week because they need to prioritize a car payment. Since bringing him home, I’ve had to cover parts of my apartment with blankets and towels to manage the accidents. We’ve been taking him outside every hour, but he’s still urinating inside frequently. I don’t feel comfortable confining him to a small space like the bathroom, but managing this in an already crowded and stressful environment has been extremely difficult. At this point, I feel stuck. I want to help, but I also feel like I wasn’t given the full truth about his condition, and I’m now responsible for a situation that’s beyond what I agreed to handle. I need advice on what to do, if I should call her and say they need to come home early. I’m very lost and overwhelmed. *Edit: I forgot to add I had went to the store and bought him some over the counter medicine and some shampoo and conditioner. I don’t feel right not giving him a bath or medication. The chews that I got have cranberry and are for bladder issues. Update: I’m on my way to the emergency vet. I can’t morally do nothing and I tried calling the and they just argue with me about it and dismiss my feeling completely. Update 2: I’m trying to read as many comments as I can. We are at the animal hospital waiting for him to be seen. I should clear some things up. He is not a violent dog, he has let our child dress him up in tutus and princess crowns. Second I plan on cutting my mother off once they are back home, I’m also not sure the laws on surrendering him. I do not want to be in legal trouble for surrendering an animal that is not mine. I also am not worried about cleaning my house. It’s not his fault he’s peeing everywhere so I don’t mind cleaning up after him. From my phone calls with my mother she thought he had gone to the vet from what her husband said and then found out he did not. (Disclaimer I don’t believe them) I will be taking him home if that’s possible once he is seen and cleared. When I said I was a cat person what I meant is I don’t know much about dogs or what to do or common signs. I didn’t want to overreact, I will keep you all updated and let you know the outcome. Update 3: I’m hoping this will be the final update. We got him checked out and he has kidney stones. They gave us some medicine and also are putting him on a special diet. We are taking him home to keep a close eye on him and so that I can take him out frequently. I don’t want him peeing all over their house and lying in it. (I don’t know when he would be bathed if he did). I also will be keeping him so that I can rub around his lower abdomen to feel if the stones are moving. My mother is staying down there and my step father is coming back up tomorrow. I’m going to have a hard conversation with them and give them an ultimatum for him. I can’t begin to express how hurt I am by their actions and how much disappointment I have. At this point moving forward I am considering going no contact with my mother but I don’t know. If I can I’ll attach a picture of the very brave boy. He’s getting lots of cuddles tonight and my whole half of the bed. Thank you for the advice and I hope you all have a wonderful night. Final update: He’s doing a lot better today after starting his medication and pain medicine. He’s currently taken over the bed which I don’t mind at all. For those concerned about safety, he has been staying in my room with me while the cats have free roam of the apartment. The only time they come near each other is when we take him outside to use the bathroom and honestly, he’s more scared of them than anything. He has never hurt anyone or shown any signs of aggression. He’s a very sweet dog who would let you dress him up without a fuss. I’ve spoken with my mom and stepdad, and we’re discussing the possibility of finding him a new home. I truly wish I could take him in, but I don’t have the space or the financial ability to properly care for another animal, and it wouldn’t be fair to him. My cat is also around 7 years old, and I want her to live out the rest of her life comfortably without the stress of a dog. I’ll be staying in contact with my mom until he’s safely rehomed. After that, I plan to cut contact my relationship with her is complicated and something for another time. And for those saying this isn’t real I genuinely wish it wasn’t. I spent the entire night crying over him and what he’s going through. I was put in a position that was unfair to him and myself. It was cruel and I am more angry now than hurt. I turned to Reddit because I needed advice. Most of my family is no contact with my mom, and it was late, so no one was responding. My sister did answer, but she is also no contact and suggested more vindictive solutions, which isn’t what I want. If I could add a picture of him I would but I’m not tech savvy and honestly learning the ropes of Reddit still. Thank you for the kind messages and responses. submitted by /u/Large-Violinist-8947 to r/Advice [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That was u/ThrowRA_sisterdrama. He posted in r/relationship_advice, r/AmIOverreacting and r/AITAH Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Trigger Warning: infidelity; abuse; abandonment Mood Spoiler: OOP will be ok but things are just kind of sad Original Post: January 13, 2026 Temporary account. I’m not revealing too many details, but I’d appreciate honest opinions. I (M, 21) have a twin sister . When we were 12, we immigrated to Canada . When we started university, our parents paid for all our expenses so we could focus on studying and not worry about working to pay the bills. They had one condition: no having children before graduating, finding a job, and becoming financially independent. I’ve been with my girlfriend, who is the same age as me, for a year. My sister met Ed (M, 42) last year. From the start, my parents were against her dating an older man. They had many talks with her, but she insisted she loved him. Later, she told my parents she was pregnant. They begged her to terminate the pregnancy, which upset her. She told them she did not need their help, said she was quitting school anyway, and went no contact. She messaged me yesterday saying Ed broke up with her and kicked her out. They had been having problems, and he has been seeing other women. She asked if she could live with me until she figures things out. She is due in March. Here is the problem. If my parents find out, they will probably cut me off financially too. I do not want to get involved in this drama. I am doing really well in school because I can focus completely on studying without worrying about work. My girlfriend, and we do not live together, thinks I am being an asshole. She says my sister is leaving an abusive situation and that I need to help her. Here are my options : be a good brother and a decent person and help out my sister and lose everything or tell my sister that you made your bed soooo enjoy laying on it .. what is the reasonable solution to this situation? How do I fix this without burning my future to the ground ? TLDR: I am a 21 year old university student whose parents fully support me financially under strict conditions. My twin sister got pregnant by a 42 year old man, went no contact with our parents, and quit school. Now that he kicked her out, she wants to live with me while pregnant. If my parents find out, they will likely cut me off financially, which would hurt my education. My girlfriend thinks I am wrong for hesitating and says my sister is leaving an abusive situation. I am torn between protecting my future and helping my sister. added : my sister is keeping the baby . She is due soon. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough . When she first found out she was pregnant she reached out to my parents. They begged her to get an abortion. She said no and told them she doesn’t need them . She said she and Ed are fine without them. Then after her break up she reached out but this time my parents refused to even talk to her so she called me instead as a last resort . Ed is a deadbeat loser with a crappy job . He is still legally married ( separated for years from his wife and has kids with his wife) . Some of OOP's Comments: To a downvoted commenter asking why his parents would cut him off: Because there is a huge drama between my parents and my sister . They don’t like the money they give me goes to her . If I do I’ll get cut off too probably XxLuminairexX: Look into women's shelters. Was she abused at all? OOP: Well she said he was emotionally and verbally abusive so yes rememberimapersontoo: (downvoted) sorry but yeah YTAH. it might not be easy but our moral strength is tested on whether we do the right thing in the face of adversity, not just when it’s the easy choice. if you leave your twin sister pregnant and homeless with nowhere to go but back to an abuser twice her age, when you had somewhere she could have stayed, yeah that makes you an arsehole. OOP: Then we both will be homeless .. I have to find a job to provide for her , me and her baby. My grades will suffer LILdiprdGLO: You can't set your future on fire to keep someone else warm today. The idea that you should sacrifice your education and financial help from your parents in order to help your sister is nuts. Look for alternative resources, extended family who can help, or tell your GF to take in your sister! Also, talk openly with your parents about your sister's situation and ASK them if they think you should take her in or help her out. I realize you "think" they would cut off their assistance, but you need to know for sure. OOP: Unfortunately my gf can’t ! She lives with a roommate too . I live in a studio apartment. All our relatives are back home. I’m gonna call my parents and beg them to help her ( my only option at this point) pinguinitox_nomnom: I suppose that, by living in Canada, you guys have strong laws that protect single parents and their children? She should fight that in court, if able. You are in no obligation to help her, she kinda made her own bed, and your life may be negatively affected if you let a baby move in with you. [...] OOP: That’s if she goes after Ed. I mentioned about him helping and she got upset and said forget about him. pinguinitox_nomnom: Unless something "bad" happened (ykwim) she needs to act like a grown up (because she is) and go to court, not "forget" him. He is the father of his child, he needs to act like one. OOP: I completely agree. He is the father he should pull his weight . My sister wants nothing to do with Ed and expects me to help her .. I get it .. she is my sister but I don’t want my grades to suffer either OOP adds: Ed already has kids with his wife so I’m not sure if he even wanna be involved. He can be not involved and still help financially but my sister told me to forget about him LucyLovesApples: Surely you can help her in other ways such as helping her apply for housing and benefits and supporting her emotionally when the baby is born. The real assholes are your parents because what they did was rather callous OOP: The waiting list housing for low income families is YEARS where I live ! Yes I agree my parents are being unfair and cruel To another downvoted commenter: Are you in Canada ? What public service are you talking about ? CCB starts after the baby is born. What magical support is out there that you know of and no one does Other siblings/where she is staying: Yes we do. We have a 11 year old brother . She is for now staying at her friend but she has to leave by Friday . OOP expands: Well I feel like an asshole but everyone warned her about this creep. Even when she got pregnant my parents talked to her and she refused to listen. I agree it’s my parents job to support her .. but now I’m paying the price of her mistakes WeeklyConversation8: It's a studio apartment. Her living there will probably be against his lease and seriously disrupt his life and education. Imagine trying to study with a crying baby and you have nowhere to go for a quiet place to study? OOP: Omg I haven’t even considered that .. I doubt my landlord even allowed her and her baby to stay with me WeeklyConversation8: She's unable to take care of her baby. What's her plan? Live with you in your studio apartment for an unknown amount of time? OOP: Yes ! Until she comes up with a plan .. figure out child care , get a job,and have enough money OOP adds: I know.. when I asked her what her plan was .. she had none .. when is she planning to go back to work after birth? She has no clue . Is she going after Ed for support ? Absolutely not … then it’s a permanent thing ? She said no but she has no one and wants my help Sister's work: she now works part time at Shoppers and apparently not getting along with her manager. I really wish my parents would help her Mini Update Comment: January 14, 2026 (Next Day) I left multiple messages for them [parents]. They haven’t called me back 🤞🤞🤞 they will Later that day: I’m going to their place on Friday . Hopefully they won’t cut me off too.. who knows really Update Post: January 15, 2026 (2 days from OG post) Probably my last update. I managed to get a hold of my parents. It turns out they didn’t reject my sister. They are willing to help her, but only under their conditions. She needs to go back to school when the baby is one. My parents will pay for her expenses and the baby’s expenses. She is not allowed to party, date, or do anything like that. My parents basically said that if she has time to party or go on dates, she has time to take care of her baby. They will help with childcare if she wants to study, rest, or go to school. She can move in with them until she graduates and gets a job that can support herself and the baby. In other words, my sister did not tell me the whole story. I called her afterward. She said she didn’t mention that because this is extremely controlling, misogynistic, and toxic. She said they cannot control a grown woman or decide her love life. I told her this is pretty much her only option. She said she is disgusted that I abandoned her and put my own happiness first. I asked her what her plan was. She hung up. I know I probably deserve to be called an asshole, but I really cannot afford to quit school right now to help her. Top Comment: Blonde2468: You did the right thing OP. Their conditions are fair considering she won't even be able to pay anything while her and her child lives there. Editor's note: Marked as inconclusive because OOP deleted his account. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

my husband doesn’t want anyone I work with to know we’re married Originally posted to Ask A Manager Original Post July 14, 2025 My husband is a notoriously private person (for example, he has social media profiles but doesn’t share content). He is also very strict about keeping his private life separate from his professional life, and has been very clear that he expects the same from me. The problem is that we both work in the same field, and he regularly works with some colleagues of mine. My husband requested that I not mention his name or background at work since he felt like that would disclose too much personal info and he wants to appear impartial. I work for a large firm and in a different branch than the one he deals with, so I did not expect that to be an issue at first. A few months ago, he started working with Jeff, a colleague of mine from another team who I had met at an after-work event a few weeks earlier. Jeff is a great guy! My husband enjoys working with him, and whenever I bump into him at the office we always end up chatting. My husband asked me not to let Jeff know about our connection, which was fine at first since I was talking to Jeff more about personal stuff anyway (“how was your weekend,” etc.) so the fact that my husband worked with him didn’t feel relevant. As I got to know Jeff a little better, I told my husband I’d prefer to let him know we are married, but he insisted on keeping things strictly professional. That feels kind of weird for me since at this point Jeff is a colleague I’m very cordial with. We’re even talking about meeting outside of work this summer, we’ve followed each other on social media, he has told me in detail about his wife and kids, etc. Lately my husband is having several meetings a week with Jeff, and now Jeff is starting to refer to their project and my husband when talking to me! He even showed me an email from my husband because he wanted to share something funny my husband wrote. And I sat there with a straight face, having to pretend I didn’t know my own husband. At this point, I worry that Jeff will be weirded out when he finds out. What if he runs into us when we’re out together? I feel like the email incident switched the whole situation from “info I did not share because I deemed it irrelevant” to lying by omission. Do you have any advice on how to handle this? Should I refrain from hanging out with Jeff? I really want to be respectful towards Jeff and not lie, but I don’t want to share anything my husband doesn’t want me to. If you’d like to throw this to the readers, I’d also like to know what people would think if they were Jeff in this situation and how they would respond if at some point our relationship came out. Update Jan 15, 2026 (6 months later) Thank you for publishing my letter — it was quite reassuring to read that this particular request from my husband was giving others pause as well. There was a lot of speculation in the comments, which was quite amusing to read, and lots of excellent points being made too! I do want to add that my husband has always been very conscious about sharing “private” info, but to be clear — he’s never hidden the fact that he is a married (straight) man, but he won’t go around telling his coworkers my name or my employer. Like you said, this was more of a husband problem than a work problem. As recommended, I had another sit down with my husband and explained again why the situation made me uncomfortable and how awkward this could be for Jeff, too. I wish I could tell you that this fixed everything, but it didn’t. The argument actually got a little heated, and we could not get on the same page. This might sound unbelievable, but my man is generally emotionally intelligent (one of the many qualities I adore in him) and yet I could not get him to see things from mine or Jeff’s point of view. I can’t remember there ever being a subject between us where it was so hard to find common ground (and we’ve been a great team through far worse). Disappointing, sure, but it is what is. I did let him know that I would not be crossing that line of lying — either implicitly (by omission) or explicitly — again with Jeff. He wasn’t happy about it, I wasn’t either, but at least it was clear where we both stood on the matter. A few weeks after that, Jeff found out anyway (as I always assumed would happen at some point, it’s really hard to keep a mutual connection secret in this day and age!). Jeff asked me about it at a company event, and I kept it very matter-of-fact (“Yup, that’s my husband, he prefers to keep that info private, kinda weird but oh well”) and that was … it? Jeff made no fuss about it, so if he thought it was weird, he kept it to himself. Jeff hasn’t brought it up with my husband either. My husband knows the cat’s out of the bag because I told him, and he got a little huffy at first, then dropped it. I see Jeff weekly at tennis now, and all is well. I’m a bit more mindful than usual about the things I share but we have plenty of other common interests to talk about so my husband doesn’t really come up as a topic of conversation. Not the most exciting of updates, sometimes you’re just going to clash with your person. RELEVANT COMMENTS LittleRedHen I can’t relate to LW1’s husband’s view AT ALL. I am completely baffled about why he would want this information to be kept a secret and why he’s mad that this perfectly ordinary, mundane info is now known. It’s so weird! OOP LW1 here – I should add that I never felt like he was keeping me secret, as he was happy to introduce me to his friends and family very early into our relationship. His need for privacy seems very much related to the professional field and generally I don’t really care, it was really bothering me with this particular colleague though. Thank God that’s settled now, Jeff and I are cool and so is my husband. ~ Ellis Bell Yeah. While I agree with everyone that the attachment to a ‘privacy’ that is bound to be discovered anyway, is super weird and baffling, OP is confident sharing their feelings and clearing the air when a mutual agreement isn’t working. OP is clearly surprised by her husband’s depth of the stubbornness here, which shows she usually gets a different response from him in 99 pc of situations. I’m also a big fan of her solution. She was willing to respect his feelings when it was harmless, but then when it affected her and others negatively, she simply states her “I’m not doing that” boundary, and left his feelings on the situation as his own to manage. It’s surprising how many people don’t know how to do that, and think they either need to submit or argue. It’s also incredibly healthy that she solely focused on the practical outcomes of needing to feel good about her interactions, and isn’t wasting energy judging her husband. OOP LW 1 here – I do have to admit it took me way too long to arrive to that conclusion- this had been going on for months and to think of all the energy I wasted worrying about this… it was definitely a lesson for me as well, going forward, not to try and figure out some sort of compromise where there was no compromise to be found. It was such a relief when it all came down to “you do you and I’ll do me and we’ll both just have to live with that”. Especially when it comes to something that isn’t going to matter in 5 years. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_confusedEm Originally posted to r/relationship_advice My (32F) husband (36M) staged an intervention after I told him I wanted a divorce Trigger warnings: Domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, medical abuse, sexual coercion, trauma, mental health crisis Mood spoilers: dread, horror, frustration, heartbreak, relief Original Editor's note: "the original posts contain typos and grammatical errors. I have left them intact to preserve their authenticity." Original BORU is here. Original post: August 17, 2025 I (32F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 6 years. It's my first serious relationship. I love him, he's funny, charming and intelligent and we share a lot, but he has always been a little hot headed. Some context first: a few months ago, a situation at work went badly and I fell into the burnout. I’m autistic, and the burnout has made my executive dysfunction much worse. I’ve been on sick leave ever since. I have very little energy. Even basic things leave me exhausted. I sleep a lot, socialize very little, skip meals. I know it's bad but I am doing my best. My husband has been very frustrated that I’m not respecting his needs. We don't haev sex, I don’t cook every day, and the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like. Multiple times, I didn't take care of things while he was at work so he yelled at me. others, I made him ignore me for hours. I tried to explain that I was struggling too much and he replied that I was using my situation and exaggerating my symptoms for attention. I tried to push myself to meet his needs and keep up with the house, but every time I quickly got too tired and had to stop. I tried to tell him but said he didn't want to hear it because he has enough on his plate. I never know if I am going to make him angry. I have been crying almost every day and I don't know if it's the burnout or if it's because I can't be there for him. I felt like it would be better for both of us to take a break. He refused and said thdt as his wife, it was my legal duty to be there in sickness and in health. Two weeks ago, I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He had a meltdown and he yelled for hours, saying I was just confused because of my mental health. he apologized later and said I shouldn't act irrational like that. I hesitated for a few days and I told him I still wanted to leave, amd he had another meltdwn. Yesterday, I woke up and went downstairs to find my husband, his parents, and my parents, all waiting for me. They said they were extremely worried, that they never get news except from my husband. He reported to them he was scared for me because I was isolating and harming myself. They told me it was okay to need help. That I needed stability. They said they were all there for me no matter what. I cried the entire time. I felt cornered, humiliated, and defensive. I felt like that was not normal. But now I don’t know what to think. After they left he said he contacted my GP and psychologist to let them know how bad it is, and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist on my behalf. He said they all care about me and want to help me be myself again. Part of me still wants to leave, but another part of me wonders if they’re right. I still love him. And I’m definitely not at my most stable right now, I am in the fog. to be honest I feel really selfish and guilty about all of this. I am completely overwhelmed. Could you guys give me an outside perspective on this? Thanks a lot. EDIT: thanks everyone, so many replies, I am grateful. I can't answer everyone right now but I can give a few thoughts and infos: I see my GP every two weeks. I was on Cipralex but we had to stop becaus of side effects, now we are trying mirtazapine. I had already seen a therapist before a few years ago and my husband called her and my GP yesterday to tell them I needed help before bookng the appointment with the psychiatrist he found. I'll go to the appointments and give them my perspective. I have an ok relationship with my parents, they see me as fragile and don't always understand the autism. I think I will try to talk with tehm about what was going on and ask if I can stay with them temporarily. and get better before deciding on the divorce. I'll rest for now, this is a lot to take in. Thanks everyone. Update #1 (Editor's note: that post was deleted by mods but a copy can be found here): August 27, 2025 (10 days later) First post. I decided to stay and get help first. I talked to my parents not long after the intervention to explain my perspective to them. they listened and said they were concerned but asked me to wait and make sure I was not being over sensitive and that all marriages had ups and downs. I am seeing my past psychologist and my GP while waiting for the appointment with the psychiatrist my husband booked for me. My therapist recommended me to get away, even temporarily or to set very firm boundaries. I annoyed my husband with that a few times nd he got angry and said I was being dramatic or that my therapist was not a marriage counselor and had no say. I contacted my parents and asked if I could come and stay for a few weeks. They asked if my husband agreed and I said he didn't know and they said maybe I should talk with him first. Not long after my husband called me and asked tp stay home, and he came back and grabbed me and screamed and yelled, said I made him furious, disappointed and very worried. he asked me how I could do that to him and why I went behind his back. and it was time I stopped playing tbe victim and that he did not recognize me anymore. that everyone was worried about my state. He told me he thought we trusted each other and I needed to improve before he had to ttake measures to help me. I just felt sorry about what I did and for being too emotional again. I think I had an autistic meltdown but I am not sure. I don't remember everything. I apologized for my behavior and I tried to initiate sex with him but he pushed me away. I think he's ok now but I know he's still hurt. I am feeling guilty, horribleand anxious. I can't stop pathetically crying. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish that appointment was sooner. How do I stop hurting him? Update #2 (posted directly on her profile): September 26, 2025 (1 month later) He got better. He sincerely apologized and I tried to fix my state the best I could. We agreed some ground rules and minimum things I should do every day to kkeep intimacy alive. we agreed I could keep seeing my therapist but I have to focus only on my issues. but It's hard because she she keeps bringnig my husband up. I've also had the first appointment with the psychiatrist, no assesment yet. I want answers. There were a few days where I made enough efforts and we had sweet and joyful moments together again but I still anger my husband often, I think he's losing patience and I feel terrible every day and I want it to stop. I think about leaving all the time instead working it through. I had an episode where I apparntly I passed out. And he He took care of me. He was sweet. I know he informed our parents and friends and they contacted me to say they were there for us. We had a lot of heartfelt discussions about what hppened he hugged me and kissed me and said he loved me. and broke it tears because I scared him. And he needed to be reassured so we agreed on checking on each other regularly througjout the day until we find a more permanent solution. But now I have panic attacks and I am scared to to tell him. Update #3: October 15, 2025 (~2.5 weeks later) I left. I can't talk yet. I am exhausted but safe. Update #4: October 27, 2025 (~2 weeks later) So He found out about the panic attacks. He had the worst anger outburst he ever had, he he lost control and I thought I wouldn't . I hurt him during I had more panic attacks he was horrified and later said it was clear I was too unstable and that we would look into committing me. It felt wrong but. I kept deteriorating and at some point I remember vividly thinking about all the things my therapist and the psychiatrist and people on reddit said, and I recall getting physically sick and throwing up and I panicked and got help. I can't say what and how but it was insanely hard and stressful. I changed my mind and wanted to give up ,multiple times. but I pushed, it took me all I had left and I had to follow instructions like a child but did it. I didn't tell anyone. I have frequent nightmares and I switch between intense emotions panic attacks and and feeling disconnected from everything. But still I felt like I was allowed for the first time in years. I am.m and exhausted from all those changes. The people who helped me are sweet and helpful but I don't know if I can totally trust them. I feel alone and scared and I miss home, there are days I want to go back. but They don't judge me and they're never mad at me and never scream at me. It's weird but I still feel horrible for putting my husband through this, I am sorry for what I did, I miss him and I regret not breaking up with him like a normal person. but I also feel bad for ghostng my close ones and not updating them. I hope they can all forgive me someday. And I am sorry for not listening sooner. NEW UPDATE! Update #5: December 15, 2025 Title: I am crashing Sometimes I think I overreacted, I want to go back home but I am too weak, I am crashing. I can't do it. We celebrated Christmas together every year and I am not going to be there. The staff here they said it's not my fault but it is. They forbid me to contact anyone from my social circle, I don't know what to think of them. I'm still scared all the time. I am on edge and the anxiety is unbreable. They convinced me to apply for a restraining order. I didn't want to at first, I didn't want to be a bad person and punish my husband more but they said I was not and it was for my own protection. There is so much paperwork, I don't have the energy. They got me a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist, who said they want me to feel safe. I tried the group therapy sessions too but it's too many people it's too much for me. I also have a caseworker, I had a meltdown in front of her and I thought I angered her and I apologized, but she didn't she was patient and asked me if I needed space and helped me to calm down. RELEVANT COMMENTS Rattwap Remember OP, everyone there is trying to help you. Don’t worry about how you might act or treat them because they understand that it’s all part of the healing process. I know it’s hard, thinking about everyone else and feeling like you might be letting them down, but your main focus has to be yourself. Your health is the priority. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/RGLozWriter to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is just_bro_wsing_. She posted in r/relationship_advice, r/askindianwomen and r/AmItheAsshole Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Read trigger warnings. Trigger Warning: abuse; emotional manipulation; verbal abuse; threatening to prevent someone from leaving; holding someone against their will; Mood Spoiler: scary and sad- OOP is ok but things aren't all resolved Background Post: April 18, 2023 (also posted in another subreddit April 12, 2023) Title: AITA for not traveling to my home country to get a surgery done? I (25F) have been living in Australia for the last 4 years. Last month I fractured my hand and had to get surgery. My parents wanted me to take sick leave and come to India to get it fixed. Their reasoning: it'd be very expensive to get it fixed here, and that it would be easier to have someone to take care of me. I understand their concern, but I wanted to be able to fix things where possible. I suggested I'd to talk to the doctors and explore my options before I decide to fly to India. After talking to doctors, I realized that it was cheaper to stay here and get the surgery as my insurance covered most of it. I didn't want to go to India for various reasons. First, I want to have the chance to try and fix things by myself wherever possible. Second, I had some major changes happening at work and I wanted to be around for that. And lastly, my father has been looking into various marriage proposals for me even though I have made it abundantly clear that I don't want an arranged marriage. I've been planning on telling them about my non-Indian boyfriend and didn't want to be there until I’d done that. Also, I came back from India after a month-long vacation in November, so it’s not like I hadn’t seen them in a long time. When I called up my father to tell him that I want to get the surgery done here, he blew up. He screamed at me for 10 minutes, saying things like “You have absolutely zero sense in you. You just always assume that you know best”, “Just because you got a little bit of money you think you can handle everything yourself. Of course you don’t even care if we're dead or alive”, “You’d rather cut all contact with your family because you prefer this independent life”, “We don’t have any right to take care of our own family members now. Yeah, sure stay with people there that you call friends because they're above your family to you now” and ultimately “Let us know if you even want us in your life anymore”. And he blocked me after that. This was 4 weeks ago. I got the surgery done haven’t heard from them at all. I called my mother 3 times and she hasn’t picked up. My brother is getting mad at me that I’m not making more of an effort to reach out to them but honestly, I’m furious too now. They had concerns about me getting my surgery done here, and I got solutions to their concerns. They still insisted I come to India which just makes me believe that all they care about is control. They wanted me in India to ease my life, but when I decided to get the surgery done here, they did not hesitate to put additional stress on me. Also it's their anniversary in a couple of days and I might not get a chance to wish them. I’m working hard to be a strong independent woman, and I want to have the best relationship with my parents. But I am just afraid that having that kind of relationship would come with me having a lot less control over my life. AITA for not giving that up? Edit: Wow this blew up. I wasn't expecting this post to reach so many people. Thank you so much everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it! I'm going through them and I'll try to reply to all but it might just be a little slow. I saw a lot of comments suggesting that they might marry me off when I go back. I don't think they can force me into a marriage and surely any self respecting guy wouldn't want to marry someone who doesn't want him? I don't know anymore. I just knew that there would be a lot of emotional drama, manipulation and what not when I refuse to look at the potential suitors and I didn't want to be there in such a vulnerable condition dealing with that. OOP is voted NTA Original Post: December 4, 2025 (2 years, 8 months later) EDIT: Taking into account a couple comments and a DM maybe the term hostage is too extreme if a word and I apologise as it wasn't for clickbait but because I was extremely emotional when I wrote this. I 28 F (Indian) am so exhausted of fighting. I'm writing this on my phone in a very emotional state so apologies if it isnt well formatted or isnt very well written. 3 years ago I made a post about how my family stopped talking to me because I didnt travel back to my home country to get my surgery done. Well, things never really got better. I started talking to them maybe a year after my surgery when they reached out and it wasn't great, all we did was fight and any cordial conversations were conversations of no value (essentially just limited to how's work going, what did you eat blah blah blah). Last year they showed up to Australia out of the blue and I didn't handle that well. My partner and I met them but suffice to say they weren't very happy. Coming back to today, I came to visit them in India, with my partner staying with us for a week and then 2 weeks without him (they were adamant they only want to spend time with me). I was keen to work on the relationship because I do want to get married and have the option to have potential kids and I cant really/don't want to do that without them involved in my life ( I'm dating an Australian guy 28 M who I've been in a relationship with for over 5 years). They made an excuse so we couldn't stay with them together but they met up with us for lunch the day my partner was leaving. Ever since I've started staying with them they started talking about how I should extend my trip. I've made it very clear about how I cant and I've had multiple fights with them over this, one of them where my dad started talking about how I'm essentially filth and I live in filth and he cant believe he's been loving filth this entire time. They've been taking me around out relatives and didn't let me leave the day I had my return ticket. I've cried so much talking to them but apparently the plan always is what they want from me. They've said I'm not allowed to leave anymore because apparently I've become a very negative person and they are worried about me. They have said that the Australian chapter is closed for me and I'm staying here from now on. Im so scared and I really dont how to deal with this situation and am looking for advice from anyone at all? I want to leave but I'm worried they're going to stand guard at the door from now on and won't let me walk out. My brother is physically bigger and stronger than me and he isn't on my side either. Some of OOP's Comments: JustAnotherMaineGirl: You are an adult. A quick Google of Indian laws shows that holding you there against your will is a violation of the Indian Penal Code. So call your local law enforcement, explain your situation, and have them escort you out the door and over to the airport. If your birth family is violently opposed to your relationship, there is no way they are ever going to agree to a wedding - so you have no reason to keep them in your life any more. Go back to Australia where you will be safe from them, and when you're ready, marry your BF in a civil ceremony. Up to you on whether you notify your family after the fact, or simply go no-contact. I'm sorry, OP, but ultimately you need to do what feels best for your own authentic adult life. Allowing yourself to stay trapped in your birth family's home, until they can marry you off to someone they select, does not sound like something you want. Remember, this is the only life you're ever going to get! OOP: Thank you, I've been too disturbed to think rationally and just wanted to seek advice from other people because calling cops seemed too extreme. But my aunt has threatened to tear my passport or lodge an FIR against me for a made up reason so I'll be tangled in court cases and won't be able to leave. I'm just really scared to do this alone here but I guess I have to. Moose-Live: Will the cops take this type of call seriously? Or will they treat it as "a family matter" even though it's illegal? If you think this might happen, you should rather contact a women's shelter. Also, ensure that your partner knows exactly what's going on - and keep the messages as a record of how your family has treated you, in cause it's needed in future. OOP: That's the other thing I'm worried about. Family relationships trump everything else in India, and I dont know to what extent it extends to cops as well. Ive emailed a women's shelter but I dont have an Indian number and haven't been able to make the calls. OOP adds: I've been holding my passport, my visa and my credit cards on me at all times. I'm worried my father can escalate things further because I never expected things to turn out this way and they did. My bf can book tickets for me for sure but he's not in the country so his involvement will be limited To another commenter: I can enable roaming and then hopefully make calls. Booking Uber would be fine but it would be good to have a way to make calls if needed. I honestly dont care about money at this point. I also have an esim that only has data so I can still access internet Leave early in the morning/middle of the night: The house isnt too big and the door makes a lot of noise when opened. Sorry I know it sounds like an excuse but I'm really scared of getting caught and making things so much worse but I know I'd have to do that and that's the only way. We're leaving for my parent's place tomorrow from my grandparent's. I have had no opportunity to escape yet because I've constantly been surrounded by too many people but I know I'll have to act when we're at my parent's. To a longer comment: Thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate you citing the texts that they hold so dear. My family, my relatives love me so much but their love borders around possession. I've heard such foul things from them including how no other girl in the family would ever be given an opportunity to grow from now on because of the example I've set after being trusted. Im so exhausted of being blamed for every fkin problem Later in the comment thread: I love this so much. I've had gita with me for a couple years but haven't read it. If I get out of this situation I'm definitely reading it, thank you for your insight. My family is extremely religious and the other reason they're worried is because our family astrologer apparently told them that I'm on a very wrong path and in 3-4 years my life would be absolutely ruined. They think they're protecting me, but I cannot get myself to agree to that. NDaveT: Your father called you filth. I'm not sure that's love. OOP: Hes been acting all loving since then and this has always been the pattern. He spews hateful things at me and then acts normal the next day or extra loving and I'm supposed to forget all about it. Ive always been told his anger is just built up frustration but when I get angry I'm told I need to see a psychiatrist or a counselor. Is OOP an Australian citizen: Nope unfortunately not otherwise I could imagine Australian embassy being a lot more involved ultraprismic: I think you should post about this in an India-specific sub. Americans who aren't familiar with India can't say whether or not the cops will uphold the law for you. It might be smarter to play along with your family until they trust you enough to leave the house on your own and just slip away while "running errands." OOP: I tried finding Indian specific subreddits to post on but in my state this felt like the easiest place to post. I wanted to post in India subreddit but they've changed the way you post AskIndia and I knew no one would ever be able to see this [editor's note- OOP is advised to post in the r/AskIndianWomen subreddit] Comment's from that subreddit: Agitated_Quiet_7670: If you can still use technology, contact a lawyer and file a habeas corpus writ. You can obviously call the cops too. Also, ask your partner to book a ticket for you to travel back to Australia and legitimately run away. I mean, what other options do you even have? Don't know your visa situation but staying like this at 28 isn't healthy. OOP: A general consensus on relationship advice subreddit by Indians was to not call the cops as they might not cooperate, consider this a family matter and side with the parents. I dont know what they can out cant do as I haven't had to involve cops before but I'm just scared to do that now No_Necessary_2426: This post is so confusing. I don't understand how exactly they are preventing you from leaving. Are you locked in a room or something? You have access to the phone and internet. Hopefully you have your passport. Book a ticket yourself or ask your partner to book it for you. And walk out of that damn door. Unless you are physically tied to a bed post in a locked room, I am not able to grasp what is the issue here. You are a grown adult. Why are you seeking their permission to leave. Also we have 24 hrs in a day. Your brother is not going to spend the entire time guarding you. It will take you 2 mins to grab your necessary documents and reach the front door. OOP: I know for a fact that if I walk out with bags they will physically stop me, and I don't know what other consequences would be to that once they know i want to walk out. The only thing i can do is leave without bags and id probably have to do that Update Post: December 9, 2025 (5 days later) Thank you everyone for all your concerns, suggestions and for giving me hope. I didn't want to update sooner because it struck me very late that there is a small possibility my brother uses reddit. The chances of him coming across this post were slim but I didn't want to risk anything. In short, I ended up running away from home. I'm still contemplating if the decision I took was too extreme for the situation but I think I'll go crazy if I go down that rabbit hole. A couple friends of mine had a friend (who I met last month but was hesitant to reach out because he was a fairly recent friend) in a town 3 hours away so my boyfriend and my friends planned my getaway. I was constantly surrounded by my relatives/ parents to plan things, but for everyone reading I am of sound mind and the decision to do this was mine alone. I snuck out the night we came back home from my relatives on the pretext of going for a walk but I know they'd probably have found out not too long after I left. My friend was waiting in his car close to my place and he drove me to the airport. It was perfect because booking a cab would have had issues with timing, I didnt know when would be a good time to sneak out so having a friend around gave me the flexibility to sneak out at my own convenience. The priorty was getting out of the country as soon as possible without even knowing what the best way was to get to Australia. This was also crazy timing with the Indigo fiasco, [editor's note- this is regarding the IndiGo airline and flight disruptions] not sure if it helped or hurt our chances? I could only do this because of the immense support from my friends back home who spent a lot of time planning the routes and booking the flights for me, so as to not arouse any suspicions from my family and very little time for them to act. I've had messages from them and a few calls, all I've done is message them that it was my decision to leave and list a couple points on why and that I'd be keen to work on the relationship if they can try to come around to my life choices. Thank you everyone again, and especially to people who reached out to make sure I'm doing okay! EDIT1: Thanks to everyone who have been following my story and for all of the support here. I know there has been a lot of backlash in the comments around me wanting to work on the relationship and I just want to be clear that it doesn't mean I'll be going back to India in the next few years or ever putting myself in a situation where I would be face to face by myself. And even then they would have to put in significant work to earn back my trust. This would need to happen over the phone and I'm going to be taking any apology with a grain of salt. And I'm not hearing them out on anything other than an apology anytime soon. My partner and I agree that throwing away the relationship that I've had for the past 28 years of my life is a really big step and now that I've gotten out they have lost a lot of the power they once had. Now that we have the advantage in the situation we want to show some level of mercy, and this is just because they cant do anything in this country from a legal perspective. Just to be clear, showing mercy does not mean meeting them. It just means I'm willing to hear them out only over calls. Even if they show up to Australia, as is their right, we're not scared. Last time they dropped in unannounced they walked around town without knowing where we were for days. And we're more confident in the legal protection we have here. I'll be seeing a therapist soon, because since getting back I haven't been sleeping the best. I've been having dreams every night that I'm still trapped and have no way of getting out. This has a big ordeal and I'm not going to pretend that I'll be fine without professional help. We'll be dropping an email to the Indian embassy letting them know that I've left on my own will and any potential complaints coming from India are fabricated. Top Comments: CADreamn: "...I'd be keen to work on the relationship if they can try to come around to my life choices." You are setting yourself up to be kidnapped again. Next time you won't get out in one piece, if at all. They'll pretend to come around to your life choices, then convince you to come visit again, or want to meet you somewhere, and you'll never be heard from again. Don't do this. They showed you who they are and the lengths they will go to to control you. Believe their actions, not their words. They are a danger to you. I'm so glad you got away. Don't ruin this second chance you've been given by trusting them again! floofelina: Every time you want to reach out to the people who imprisoned you, call a therapist. There are plenty of Indian psychiatrists who understand what was about to happen and the psychological impact of how you were raised and treated. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Mountain-Shadow-769. She posted in r/AITAH and r/legaladvice Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This has not been posted here before. Do NOT message the Original Poster. Read Trigger Warnings. Trigger Warning: murder and suicide; MS; childhood trauma; child abuse; Mood Spoiler: really fucking sad Original Post: November 13, 2025 My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been married for 2 years and together for 5. Until now, I would have said that we had the perfect relationship, but right now it seems like that’s over and I’m not sure who the AH is if anyone. I grew up in a really bad abusive and neglectful situation. I’ve been to therapy and done the work but there are still some issues that are just going to be permanent, I think. The two relevant here are that I need to have a calm, safe living space that is mine to function and I do not do well around children. I don’t hate children but I was forced into raising 7 siblings and step siblings when I was still a kid myself and I will never be responsible for another kid for as long as I live. I’ve had my tubes removed to make absolutely sure there will never be an oops. My husband has known this since the beginning and also does not want children. His family situation is also not great, but he’s still involved with them mostly for his mom and nephews’ sake. About a month ago, SIL was murdered by her ex, who unalived himself as well. The boys were visiting MIL so thankfully they weren’t in the house when it happened otherwise I think they would be gone, too. It’s horrific. MIL, the boys, and my husband are devastated. SIL was not my favorite person in the world, she had a lot of the same traits my abusers had, but nobody deserves that and I’m trying to be supportive of their grief. The problem is that there’s nowhere for the boys to go. They were staying with MIL, but her health is so poor that DHR decided that she’s not stable enough to have custody. Their father’s family doesn’t have anything to do with them (which is a long story by itself). My husband has a younger brother, but he has substance use issues and isn’t in a good place to take on two kids. That leaves my husband and me as the only real family placement option. My husband isn’t thrilled about bringing kids into the situation, but he feels like he has to keep them out of foster care, which I understand. Here’s the problem. I absolutely do not want these kids living under the same roof as me. It’s a PTSD trigger, but also they are understandably for their situation not the best behaved kids to start with. Add some hella trauma onto that and those kids are going to need a lot of help. My husband swears that he will do everything for them, but I think he’s being unrealistic. We got into a really nasty argument about it and he said that this is a make or break moment for the marriage because he’s not backing down and he’ll take the kids and divorce me if he has to. Our house was mine before we got married, I inherited it from my grandmother. I insisted on a prenup to protect it when we got married. My husband has a health issue that makes full time work difficult and he struggled at the best of times before we got married. If we split up, his chances of finding an affordable place to live nearby in the current market are not good. He’s not quite disabled enough to receive disability. Frankly, if I and the house weren’t part of the bargain, I’m not sure that DHR would place the kids with him. Where I might be the AH is that after he threw the D word at me I told him that in that case he would need to move out of my house because he would no longer be welcome, go back to working full time because I wouldn’t be bank rolling an ex, and good luck taking care of two traumatized kids with his health, much lower income, and without a stable housing. I think it hadn’t occurred to him just how much he would lose access to, because we’ve always just shared without thinking about it. He’s not speaking to me right now and MIL called and read me the riot act for “financial abuse” and abandoning family. I feel for the nephews, I really do, but I am not the person those kids need right now and I feel like I was really clear from the very beginning that I would never be ok taking care of kids or living with them. I think we’re cooked either way at this point, but AITA? Some of OOP's Comments: sunsettrekkie: NTA. The whole thing sucks and is very sad. You knew your limitations and made them clear to others. You can’t be expected to move out of your own house. Could your husband move in with MIL? Would her insurance cover some home care, or compensate your husband for her care? OOP: I’m looking into that actually because even if we split up I don’t want him to suffer. The problem is that a lot of welfare and social services have been cut and he’s one of the people that falls into the cracks of not being eligible for a lot of stuff that could help but not physically able to handle a full time job that would give him decent benefits. I have a social worker friend that I asked to look into what additional benefits they might be able to get and whether it would hurt MIL’s benefits if my husband were living with her. It’s terrible that people have to make these kinds of choices. Husband's disability: He has an autoimmune condition that can get pretty bad when it flares up and he has chronic pain from it. He works contracts part time from home so that he can pace himself and rest because when it kicks up he genuinely can’t do anything even with meds. It’s controlled as well as it can be. His mom has the same thing just way more advanced. He does his best and things work well with just the two of us, and he was getting by before we moved in together, but I really don’t think he could handle the kids and take care of himself. Loose-Chemical-4982: If they won't give his mom custody because she has the same health condition, what makes him so certain they are going to give him custody? OOP: Denial. The only reason we’re considered a good option is because I have a stable home, income, and am able-bodied. This is a rural area with a long run of generational poverty and both of our families are prime examples of what happens to people in that environment. There is no way that my husband would be able to care for those kids during one of his flare ups, they’re only going to get worse and more frequent over time barring new treatments and MIL should really be in assisted living. The way I see this going is we split up and he moves into his mom’s trailer, they still don’t pass muster with DHR, the kids go into foster care anyway, and everyone’s life is worse for nothing. If they were in foster care and MIL and my husband had visitation, we could keep an eye on them to make sure they’re not being abused while we try to figure out a better long term solution. Instead, it looks like we’re just going to trash everything. OOP about foster care/several downvoted comments (included because her answer was extensive): There are no avenues for the kids that won’t inflict more trauma period. Foster care isn’t the worst that can happen. I begged to be taken away when I was their age. The kids have two uncles and a grandmother who can’t provide actual care for them. What happens when my husband has a severe flare up and he’s bedridden for days? What happens when his meds stop working and he’s in pain and unable to function until they figure out something else? Being exposed to that will also traumatize kids. He or MIL could develop fatal complications at any time and then who’s stuck with the kids? As for me, I did a ton of therapy and meds and this is as good as it gets. Some things cannot be unbroken no matter how much you want them to be. People need to understand that in the real world trauma is sometimes a permanent injury and recovery is learning to live with it instead of damaging yourself further. My husband knew since our second date that there were never any conditions in which I would ever agree to have a child in my home or under my care. No exceptions, full stop. He made the decision to marry me knowing that was an immovable boundary. If he thought there was a chance he would ever need to take in his nephews, I feel like he was the one who needed to walk away. I don’t mind taking care of him when he needs it and I’ve been more of a rock for him than anyone else in his life. I can’t stop him if he wants to jump off the rock and go drown, but the rock isn’t going to follow him. Kids' paternal family: It was the boys’ father that did the murder so he’s out of the picture. The short version is that he was cheating on his wife with SIL and it blew up on them eventually. Wife made him choose and he chose her. From what SIL said his family refuses to believe they’re his and told SIL to kick rocks when she approached them. wordsmythy: What did she approach them for? OOP: She said she just wanted them to know their grandparents and family, but honestly who knows what else SIL might have asked for. I took most of what she said with a chunk of rock salt. Survivor benefits: Unfortunately SIL never had an above the table job for very long and I don’t think the boys’ father was ever legally established as their parent, he was married to someone else the whole time and was giving SIL money without a court agreement or paper trail. He had a wife and other kids so it’s going to take some time for legal stuff to be figured out. That situation is a whole saga by itself. Editor's note: OOP has some pretty graphic descriptions of what to her in her childhood and in foster care. I'm not including them in the post, but if you want to read the thread you can do so here. You'll have to expand the comments because she's replying to downvoted ones. Edit 1: Sometime in the next 24 hours Edit: There are a lot of responses and I’m trying to get to them all. I’m taking a PTO day to deal with some of this stuff and get myself back together. As a lot of you have said, there’s no way back from this and I think I’m going to go ahead and accept that now instead of dragging it out. The trust is gone. I made an appointment with a lawyer this morning and from what I’ve read an uncontested divorce could go pretty quickly and smoothly if we don’t squabble over money. I don’t have any interest in screwing him over, but I also won’t be screwed over. I hate it, I wish this wasn’t happening, but I’ve worked way too hard for a stable life to flush it down the toilet. I’m going to freeze my credit and lock down the accounts today in case he or MIL get ideas, and have the talk tonight. I’m also about to call the case manager contact at DHR and explain the situation so it’s on record and they can start making a plan that doesn’t include me as a part of the equation. I’m debating how much help I’m going to continue providing. I will continue to help my husband while he lives here, but I was also doing a lot to help out MIL with things her health makes difficult and to allow her to put her energy towards the kids right now, and I think that’s going to stop since it’s not appreciated and the relationship is over. As far as the whole looking after family thing, I don’t believe in family. Family has done more harm to me than anything else in this world and provided not a single benefit, so I don’t put any value on blood or relations. I do what I can when I can for others, but I know in the same circumstance, none of these people would help me, either because they can’t or they just wouldn’t care that much. So just spare me the whole “they’re your family” stuff, please, that word doesn’t hit the same way for me that it does for you. I will update once I’ve talked to my husband and figured out a path forward. Thanks for the input even if some of you think I’m a monster. Edit 2: November 15, 2025 (2 days later) Edt2: Well that was a rough night. TLDR; Now he doesn’t want to divorce and wants to figure something out. Of course. The stress of the whole situation is pushing him into a flare so I’m giving him some grace but I told him that we won’t go back to exactly the way things were before the D word now no matter what happens. I don’t trust him. He needs to sit down with the social worker, look at the facts, and make a call on his own. I have the lawyer’s recommendations for an amicable divorce filing we can discuss if he decides on that route. His mom said some unforgivable things in her little tirade so the things I was doing to help her stop. Whatever happens I will make sure he has health insurance until he can make other arrangements. I would be willing to discuss all of this in counseling with him while we try to sort it out, but for now, one of us is moving into the spare room or he can go stay with his mom. He’s upset, but agreed. It’s probably going to take some time to get a resolution but I will try to post again down the road once the situation settles out. Side Post: November 17, 2025 (2 days later, 4 from OG post) Title: Setting up a rental agreement with an ex partner, is this a good idea? [Legal Advice] Location: Alabama I’m doing some preemptive option shopping to resolve a difficult situation. My spouse and I are headed for a divorce. He plans to take in his two nephews who have been recently orphaned. In order to do that, he has to have an acceptable living situation. He is disabled (but doesn’t qualify for disability) and doesn’t work full time so rent would be tricky. While there are resources to help with some stuff, housing is going to be the main issue out of the gate. The house is mine from before the marriage and protected by a prenup. According to the SW case manager, public housing is wait listed right now. Other family are unable to help. I have an idea that might be feasible if not the most convenient. My job always has openings for 6 month on-base postings. If I took one of those, I would be out of the house during that time. My soon to be ex could stay in the house with the kids while I’m gone, but I want to ensure that they would be out before I returned. I assume there would need to be a formal renter agreement (I don’t actually want to charge him any rent or as low as it’s possible to be) to stipulate the terms and spell out what happens if there are damages. I am concerned about having to evict them if they haven’t found anywhere else by the time I return from that posting. Is this a viable plan and what should I be looking at to protect my interests? I’m not as knowledgeable about tenant law and I don’t want generosity to be taken advantage of. Mini Update in Comments: November 19, 2025 (2 days later, 6 from OG post) In response to a comment asking what happened when OOP told the case manager to take her house and assets out of the equation, how MIL is and what husband is doing: CM [case manager] said that was good to know. I made it clear that I would be willing to help him get set up elsewhere to a reasonable degree so there was a smooth transition and she said they would factor that in. At last report, he and his mom have an appointment with her on Friday and I hope they work it out. I was heavily supplementing MIL on groceries especially since the kids have been there, her electricity bill, and one of her prescriptions that’s uncovered. I was also running errands and would do things like mow the grass and some outside work on my off shift week. Neither of them can spend a lot of time in direct sunlight. SO told her that I’m cutting contact with her and she will have to make other arrangements. The prescription isn’t life-sustaining and I just picked up a month supply for her before the argument so she has time to get her doc to switch her to something else or get a patient assistance case underway with the manufacturer. With winter incoming, there shouldn’t be a lot to do outside and she can afford the rest, just not as comfortably. I sent food for the kids with SO so they’re not immediately impacted and they have SNAP, which is rolling again. I asked my SO to keep her response to himself, so I don’t know how she took it and I really don’t care. I really don’t know what’s going on with him at this point. I understand that scared people lash out, been there done that, and I don’t know if he tossed divorce out there as a conscious manipulation tactic or an unconscious one. Either way, he knows that’s a Thing for me. I don’t let people into my life quickly or easily and I don’t chase people, so the few people who are in are in because I trust them implicitly. He pressed the nuclear button and the missile has launched. He doesn’t want to divorce now and is distraught, but I don’t trust him now. He could be sincere, he could be manipulating because he’s afraid of losing out. I’m not sure it matters, because even though I love him I think he broke the part of me that was in love with him. Not sure that’s coming back. Update Post: December 1, 2025 (18 days from OG post) People have been asking me for an update and there were some forward developments before Thanksgiving. [removed TLDR of previous post] The bad news is that DHR [department of human resources in Alabama] decided my SO’s medical situation rules him out as a primary guardian for the kids. He wouldn’t be able to adequately care for them during a flare. Same for his mom (they have the same condition, his is worse than hers, but hers is more advanced). The good news is that the social worker talked the paternal relatives into agreeing to a DNA test. They didn’t believe that the kids were really Murderous AH’s bio children and he and SIL were keeping the situation on the down low because he was married so they never established legal paternity. DNA was a match, so the grandparents on that side are taking the kids. What that means as far as visitation for my SO and MIL is still being hashed out, but the whole thing has been deescalated a lot thanks to a really competent case manager. As far as the divorce, I’m going ahead with it and filing this week. He’s moved back in with his mom. They’re salty about it, but that’s to be expected. I still love him and wish him the best, but I’m done. His family is too much drama and I don’t trust him the way that I did before this. Given that we were only married 2 years and the house is mine from before the marriage and protected, it should be a clean break. While I miss him being here, I’m already feeling less stressed with him gone and I didn’t realize that had been creeping up on me for a while. I think I’m done with romantic relationships, at least for a good long while, so I’m going to focus on my career and some fun stuff I haven’t had time to do since taking on a caretaker role. Thank you to those that offered support and advice. It sucks that any of this happened to begin with, but I think it’s ending about as well as it could have at this point. I will be dropping contact with my ex’s family so I doubt I’ll have anything else to update. Some of OOP's Comments: What condition ex and mom have: They have MS and myasthenia gravis. He has the childhood onset variant so his is a lot more debilitating, but his mom’s has progressed more. It’s managed as well as it can be, but I still wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. OOP responds to a downvoted commenter: I wasn’t tired of being his caregiver. I knew the score when we got married and accepted it. Things between us worked well, he did his best to be an equal partner and I did my best. We would still be married if he had accepted no as an answer instead of threatening divorce to get his way. Where the stress was coming from was mostly his family being a disaster. I took on a lot of things because it would remove stress from him and less stress meant he would have a longer and more able life. Now that I don’t have to take into account a bunch of fragile, emotionally unstable in-laws, I have more time and feel less stressed myself. Had none of this happened, we may have gotten to the point where cutting some people off and setting stronger boundaries was necessary, but I loved my ex and he wasn’t a burden by himself. Disabled people are capable of being good partners, it just takes good problem-solving skills and understanding of each other’s needs and capabilities from everyone involved. The problem was that he evidently couldn’t respect mine the same way I respected his. SIL: To be fair, I think that SIL was seriously mentally ill. Her behavior was similar to untreated bipolar disorder and postpartum stuff really didn’t help that any. The kids should have been put up for adoption, between her and the father they never had a chance. At least with paternity established and the secrets out maybe they can have a relationship with their half-siblings and other relatives now and get appropriate attention and help. This sucks all around for the kids and some questions about the ex: Yeah, I want good things for the kids, too, it’s just awful that they’ve had to go through it and life wasn’t great for them even before this. I do get the sense that their bio father’s family is more stable and financially able to get them what they need despite what their AH son did, and this way they have a chance at a relationship with their half-siblings while they’re young. The thing that gets me about my ex is that he knows relationships are something I take really seriously. If you’re one of my people, I had to go through a whole lot of effort and trust building to get there so you’re something special to me. It boggles my mind that he could know that about me, throw out the D word, and then expect to walk it back. He has a few things to come collect when he finds storage for them, but after that I’ve told him that I need space and to contact the lawyer instead of me. Probably going to change my phone number anyway. His mom likes to leave angry VMs when she’s got a bee in her bonnet. One more thought from OOP: From my perspective, it’s understandable that he would want to help his nephews. Heck, I want his nephews to end up somewhere safe. I just know that’s not with me. I don’t think this had to be a make or break moment personally and forcing it to one was reallypoor judgment. To illustrate, I’m an EMS pilot. I get the final say on whether it’s safe to fly. If I choose to fly when it’s not safe, the risk of death for myself, my crew, the transports, and anyone we crash on is high. If I decide not to fly, sometimes the patient dies. That’s just the realistic calculus of the situation. If the most beloved person in my life was dying and needed an airlift but there’s a lightning storm going on, I’m going to feel terrible and gutted about it but we’re still not going to fly because that would be insane. My ex made his hill to die on the equivalent of pressuring me to take a highly risky flight that could end very badly for everyone involved. He’s not even the pilot because he’s incapable of caring for the kids either way, he’s a bystander with no impact on the outcome asking other people to go on a suicide mission so he doesn’t have to feel bad. The feelings are understandable but to me, even being charitable and assuming he wasn’t trying to manipulate me, letting emotions actually trump reality in a genuine crisis instead of working with the parameters of the real situation is foolish and I can’t trust someone like that. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

coworker won’t stop sulking after I turned down a date Originally posted to Ask A Manager TRIGGER WARNING: harassment, hostile workplace Original Post May 6, 2010 I moved to my current role in late November last year. Many of the other employees have known each other for years and socialize together out of work. In principle I prefer to keep my work and personal lives separate, but I will go to lunch from time to time and to the ‘yay we met our targets’ drinks. The problem. One of my male colleagues has taken a fancy to me and asked me out. There is no policy against dating your colleagues where I work, just not your direct supervisor/ee. However, apart from the fact that I don’t care to star in the office gossip mill (there seems to be what I would consider a LOT of over-sharing going on), I have spent enough time around him in the last five months to know that I am not at all attracted to him. The first time he asked, I had no interest in either him or the show, so declined and told him that I preferred to keep my social life well away from work. Unfortunately, this apparently was not enough, as he asked me out again two weeks ago, proferring tickets to a concert the following weekend. This time, I told him that I was sorry if my previous statement had been ambiguous in some way, but I was really not interested in dating him and not to ask me again. To make matters BAD rather than just a trifle awkward, it appears i) that this was a crushing blow to his ego and ii) that he told his confidants at the office what he was planning to do, in the expectation that I would be delighted with his offer. I found out this when I was asked on the Monday in a ‘nudge and wink’ fashion how I’d enjoyed the concert on the weekend. Further, one of his confidants attempted to reproach me for turning him down, to which I told her that my personal life was really not her business. However, ever since then the Unwanted Admirer has been wandering the office like a huge dark cloud, sighing and glaring, and pointedly avoiding talking to me even when I am the best person to ask a question of. Frankly, this just convinces me that I was right not to date him and that office relationships in general should be approached with extreme caution – if he’s still behaving like this two weeks after I turned down a date, what would he have done if I had dated him and broken it off? However, we still have to work together and our mutual boss, who has been out on leave, will be back next week and will want to know WHY he is behaving like this. I realise that the action to which I feel most inclined – whacking him about the head with a file and yelling ‘PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER’ – would not help and would probably get me fired. What alternatives do you suggest? Update Dec 21, 2010 (7 months later) IdiotBoy and his IdiotFriend were spoken to by our mutual manager. IdiotBoy seemed to cool down a bit and decided he would speak to me but not chat. He would not ask me what I had done at the weekend, but he would ask me if I was done with the reference materials for the Blenkinsop report, or whether I knew who was dealing with our account at the newspaper since our usual contact was on maternity, that kind of thing. Fine with me. Sadly, his IdiotFriend could not accept this, and attempted to corner me in the ladies’ toilets, where she said to me that she ‘couldn’t understand why you won’t just date IdiotBoy’. I, unfortunately, had been having a rather bad day and countered with, ‘YOU don’t understand? I will tell you what I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you think my personal life is your business, and I don’t understand why you think that nagging at me is going to get IdiotBoy into my pants. And by God, if I hear one more word about it, I am going to file a formal written complaint against the pair of you’. Cue appearance of departmental manager from toilet cubicle in manner of pantomime Demon King, numerous meetings with HR, and termination of IdiotFriend. IdiotBoy was spared the axe as he apologised profusely to me, promised that he was not responsible for my being cornered and would have stopped Friend if he knew, so he received a final written warning about his conduct. This was six months ago. I accepted a promotion in a new department, where my colleagues seem pleasant enough and unstalkerish. I understand via the grapevine, though, that lessons remain to be learned by IdiotBoy’s other friends. One of them apparently asked a female staff member at the Christmas party what she would do if he put his hands “there and there.” She cheerfully told him that she would smack his face til his ears rang. He seems to have believed her. Courtesy of u/everythingisplanned who found this comment from OOP in the comments OP provided some more details in the comments on his sulking behaviour. And here, as requested, is the OP, to correct a couple of misconceptions. My original post stated that'he told his confidants at the office what he was planning to do, in the expectation that I would be delighted with his offer. I found out this when I was asked on the Monday in a 'nudge and wink' fashion how I'd enjoyed the concert on the weekend. Further, one of his confidants attempted to reproach me for turning him down..'. Note the use of the plural in 'confidants'. Also, though I guess this isn't explicit, the nudger/winker and the reproacher were not the same person. As I thought was pretty clear in the first para of the update, I was fine with my unwanted admirer deciding he would talk to me about business matters only, in fact that was by far the best solution. What I was not fine with was him wandering round slamming things down, glaring at me, scowling, backing away when I was near as if I smelled bad or might bite, and most egregiously, passing a client document written in a foreign language not to me (the holder of 2 degrees in that language, and currently finishing a translation diploma) but to someone else to try and work out via Google. That alone could have got him a disciplinary warning. Nobody ever seems to mention, in the advice articles about dating colleagues, that it is entirely possible that they will say 'no thanks', and you will have to take it like an adult. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_confusedEm Originally posted to r/relationship_advice My (32F) husband (36M) staged an intervention after I told him I wanted a divorce Trigger warnings: Domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, medical abuse, sexual coercion, trauma, mental health crisis Mood spoilers: dread, horror, frustration, heartbreak, relief Editor's note: the original posts contain typos and grammatical errors. I have left them intact to preserve their authenticity. Original post: August 17, 2025 I (32F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 6 years. It's my first serious relationship. I love him, he's funny, charming and intelligent and we share a lot, but he has always been a little hot headed. Some context first: a few months ago, a situation at work went badly and I fell into the burnout. I’m autistic, and the burnout has made my executive dysfunction much worse. I’ve been on sick leave ever since. I have very little energy. Even basic things leave me exhausted. I sleep a lot, socialize very little, skip meals. I know it's bad but I am doing my best. My husband has been very frustrated that I’m not respecting his needs. We don't haev sex, I don’t cook every day, and the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like. Multiple times, I didn't take care of things while he was at work so he yelled at me. others, I made him ignore me for hours. I tried to explain that I was struggling too much and he replied that I was using my situation and exaggerating my symptoms for attention. I tried to push myself to meet his needs and keep up with the house, but every time I quickly got too tired and had to stop. I tried to tell him but said he didn't want to hear it because he has enough on his plate. I never know if I am going to make him angry. I have been crying almost every day and I don't know if it's the burnout or if it's because I can't be there for him. I felt like it would be better for both of us to take a break. He refused and said thdt as his wife, it was my legal duty to be there in sickness and in health. Two weeks ago, I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He had a meltdown and he yelled for hours, saying I was just confused because of my mental health. he apologized later and said I shouldn't act irrational like that. I hesitated for a few days and I told him I still wanted to leave, amd he had another meltdwn. Yesterday, I woke up and went downstairs to find my husband, his parents, and my parents, all waiting for me. They said they were extremely worried, that they never get news except from my husband. He reported to them he was scared for me because I was isolating and harming myself. They told me it was okay to need help. That I needed stability. They said they were all there for me no matter what. I cried the entire time. I felt cornered, humiliated, and defensive. I felt like that was not normal. But now I don’t know what to think. After they left he said he contacted my GP and psychologist to let them know how bad it is, and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist on my behalf. He said they all care about me and want to help me be myself again. Part of me still wants to leave, but another part of me wonders if they’re right. I still love him. And I’m definitely not at my most stable right now, I am in the fog. to be honest I feel really selfish and guilty about all of this. I am completely overwhelmed. Could you guys give me an outside perspective on this? Thanks a lot. EDIT: thanks everyone, so many replies, I am grateful. I can't answer everyone right now but I can give a few thoughts and infos: I see my GP every two weeks. I was on Cipralex but we had to stop becaus of side effects, now we are trying mirtazapine. I had already seen a therapist before a few years ago and my husband called her and my GP yesterday to tell them I needed help before bookng the appointment with the psychiatrist he found. I'll go to the appointments and give them my perspective. I have an ok relationship with my parents, they see me as fragile and don't always understand the autism. I think I will try to talk with tehm about what was going on and ask if I can stay with them temporarily. and get better before deciding on the divorce. I'll rest for now, this is a lot to take in. Thanks everyone. RELEVANT COMMENTS dystopiam Just talk to a psychiatrist then decide They can help you more than Reddit ~ distainmustered I agree with everyone saying to go to a therapist before making any decisions. As someone currently in the fog and trying to crawl out of it, I would suggest talking to a doctor before making any big decisions. I struggle with executive dysfunction and other things very similar to you. I get it. Although, the way your husband went about it was messed up and should be brought up in your sessions and fully discussed with your therapist and your feelings on leaving him. If you feel you should leave him during therapy then do what is best for you. As someone else said you could separate while seeking help as a way to get yourself better and then make your decisions from there. It’s ultimately up to you and what is best for you. I do hope you get the help you need and things will start getting better for you. Update #1 (Editor's note: that post was deleted by mods but a copy can be found here): August 27, 2025 (10 days later) First post. I decided to stay and get help first. I talked to my parents not long after the intervention to explain my perspective to them. they listened and said they were concerned but asked me to wait and make sure I was not being over sensitive and that all marriages had ups and downs. I am seeing my past psychologist and my GP while waiting for the appointment with the psychiatrist my husband booked for me. My therapist recommended me to get away, even temporarily or to set very firm boundaries. I annoyed my husband with that a few times nd he got angry and said I was being dramatic or that my therapist was not a marriage counselor and had no say. I contacted my parents and asked if I could come and stay for a few weeks. They asked if my husband agreed and I said he didn't know and they said maybe I should talk with him first. Not long after my husband called me and asked tp stay home, and he came back and grabbed me and screamed and yelled, said I made him furious, disappointed and very worried. he asked me how I could do that to him and why I went behind his back. and it was time I stopped playing tbe victim and that he did not recognize me anymore. that everyone was worried about my state. He told me he thought we trusted each other and I needed to improve before he had to ttake measures to help me. I just felt sorry about what I did and for being too emotional again. I think I had an autistic meltdown but I am not sure. I don't remember everything. I apologized for my behavior and I tried to initiate sex with him but he pushed me away. I think he's ok now but I know he's still hurt. I am feeling guilty, horribleand anxious. I can't stop pathetically crying. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish that appointment was sooner. How do I stop hurting him? RELEVANT COMMENTS helikasp "Ask your husband first" is an incredibly asinine response that tells me your parents think your husband owns you and you do not have individual rights. Acting like they no longer have the responsibility or desire to protect and shelter you as their daughter now that you are married. Men like that escalate. Today it's grabbing you, tomorrow it'll be shaking you, next pushing you, and sooner or later it will be hitting. ~ Vivi_VagHaut You need to leave. You need to abaolutely leave. He is escalating. And shame on your parents but you absolutely need to tell them he grabbed you and screamed at you and how it scared you. Please. PLEASE leave. Update #2 (posted directly on her profile): September 26, 2025 (1 month later) He got better. He sincerely apologized and I tried to fix my state the best I could. We agreed some ground rules and minimum things I should do every day to kkeep intimacy alive. we agreed I could keep seeing my therapist but I have to focus only on my issues. but It's hard because she she keeps bringnig my husband up. I've also had the first appointment with the psychiatrist, no assesment yet. I want answers. There were a few days where I made enough efforts and we had sweet and joyful moments together again but I still anger my husband often, I think he's losing patience and I feel terrible every day and I want it to stop. I think about leaving all the time instead working it through. I had an episode where I apparntly I passed out. And he He took care of me. He was sweet. I know he informed our parents and friends and they contacted me to say they were there for us. We had a lot of heartfelt discussions about what hppened he hugged me and kissed me and said he loved me. and broke it tears because I scared him. And he needed to be reassured so we agreed on checking on each other regularly througjout the day until we find a more permanent solution. But now I have panic attacks and I am scared to to tell him. RELEVANT COMMENTS Zealousideal_Work611 OP please look into the cycle of abuse (linked below). It sounds like you’re in the honeymoon phase and quickly swinging back into the tension-building phase. This is not a healthy relationship, and your safety needs to be your top priority. Your husband not wanting you to talk about him to your therapist is a major red flag, and your therapist keeps bringing him up because she recognizes he is a large source of your stress. https://www.asafeplace.ca/learn/about-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/ Update #3: October 15, 2025 (~2.5 weeks later) I left. I can't talk yet. I am exhausted but safe. Update #4: October 27, 2025 (~2 weeks later) So He found out about the panic attacks. He had the worst anger outburst he ever had, he he lost control and I thought I wouldn't . I hurt him during I had more panic attacks he was horrified and later said it was clear I was too unstable and that we would look into committing me. It felt wrong but. I kept deteriorating and at some point I remember vividly thinking about all the things my therapist and the psychiatrist and people on reddit said, and I recall getting physically sick and throwing up and I panicked and got help. I can't say what and how but it was insanely hard and stressful. I changed my mind and wanted to give up ,multiple times. but I pushed, it took me all I had left and I had to follow instructions like a child but did it. I didn't tell anyone. I have frequent nightmares and I switch between intense emotions panic attacks and and feeling disconnected from everything. But still I felt like I was allowed for the first time in years. I am.m and exhausted from all those changes. The people who helped me are sweet and helpful but I don't know if I can totally trust them. I feel alone and scared and I miss home, there are days I want to go back. but They don't judge me and they're never mad at me and never scream at me. It's weird but I still feel horrible for putting my husband through this, I am sorry for what I did, I miss him and I regret not breaking up with him like a normal person. but I also feel bad for ghostng my close ones and not updating them. I hope they can all forgive me someday. And I am sorry for not listening sooner. RELEVANT COMMENTS rainbow-black-sheep I sincerely hope you're somewhere safe away from him. Nothing in your story the way you described it sounded like more than burnout and depression, until your husband exacerbated your mental health full Gaslight movie style. Please stay safe and trust your gut THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/xagiso4414 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/madaboutnickname My [30F] sister [38F] is suddenly mad at me because her daughter [7F] likes the nickname I gave her more than her real name. TRIGGER WARNING: racism Original Post June 4, 2016 Let me say from the beginning that I do not think I have a right to tell my sister how to parent. If she wants her kid to be called name a instead of name b, that's her decision, not mine. However, this situation is a little odd, and I'm not sure how to feel or how to proceed. I feel I should point out that I love my sister, but she is a narcissist. It was terrible to grow up with her, and she made our lives difficult until she finished college and moved out. Our family is well aware that she originally had a child to "snag" her husband (who is very passive and co-dependent) and to get attention. Although she definitely loves her daughter, Jordan, and takes decent care of her, my sister is not an empathetic person and isn't the most attentive mom, so her daughter has become attached to a few other people in the family. That seems to be how Jordan's emotional needs are met. For some reason, kids like me, and she has gotten very attached to me in particular. (My mom says it's because I do things for her her parents don't usually do, like read to her and let her play with my makeup.) Now, when Jordan was a baby, she could be very mischievous and goofy, so I would sometimes say, "Aren't you just a little Beelzebub?" At no point did this offend my sister or brother-in-law, even when my sister asked what "Beelzebub" meant and I told her. When Jordan began taking, she'd repeat the word back as "Beezy," and it stuck. From then on, she was "my Beezy," "Beezy-boo," "Beezy Wheezy has a Sneezey," all of the ridiculous shit you say to toddlers. Then Jordan got a little older and went to kindergarten, and she started telling people to call her Beezy instead of Jordan. Again, nobody in the family had a problem with this. The teachers and other students all called her Beezy without issue. Jordan is finishing first grade, and we were having a little party to celebrate the summer last week. At the party, Jordan asked if she could out on some lipgloss, and I said, "Go ask your mom, Beezy." My sister suddenly snapped and started yelling at me to stop calling her daughter that "ridiculous" name, because I was calling her the devil and all of the other kids make fun of her for it. Jordan got mad and said she didn't want to be called Jordan, she hated that name, and my sister told her that was her name and that was what she was going to be called. Nobody in immediate earshot knew what to do then, so we all kind of sat around uncomfortably and ate our food. I later asked my sister why she didn't want me using a nickname for her daughter, especially since her daughter liked it a lot and felt it suited her. She came up with two excuses that I think are complete bullshit: It comes from "Beelzebub," which means the devil. I would get this if my sister was really religious, but she's what I call "conveniently religious." She doesn't go to church, has never read the Bible, and knows next to nothing about the religion. She just mentions God and Jesus whenever it's convenient for her, especially if she's trying to shame somebody. (For instance, we had a fight about something completely unrelated, and suddenly I'm a "terrible atheist" who needs to "find Jesus" because I believe in evolution.) My sister had zero problems with this nickname until this moment. Also, she is now claiming she named Jordan for the river Jordan, but that's a complete lie. She got the name out of a book of baby names that just listed names by letter. Honestly, the only Bible stories she really knows are Noah's ark, Exodus, and the virgin birth; the rest is just her parroting what other people say. The other kids are making fun of her for the "stupid" name. I know this isn't true because I work at the school my niece attends. We live in a diverse area, so the kids have names from a huge range of cultures and languages, and nobody bats an eye at "Beezy." The teachers and other students have called her Beezy for two years now without issue. She is very popular at her school, too, and gets along well with a lot of the other children. Really, I'm just not sure what to do or what to make of this. I can't force my niece to use her birth name, can I? And I get the feeling this isn't about the name, but is more about my sister's possessiveness and jealousy. tl;dr: I gave my niece Jordan a nickname (Beezy) when she was born, it stuck, and now lots of people call her that and she likes it more than her birth name. My sister was fine with it until this last year. I'm not sure what to do, since her daughter is the one who tells people to call her Beezy and I think my sister is maybe more upset over my relationship with my niece. Update - rareddit June 5, 2016 (Next Day) First, I want to thank everybody for their suggestions and opinions in my original post. They really helped me tangle with some difficult issues that had been on my mind for a week. Second, I feel the need to direct attention to this comment thread - www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4miqyj/my_30f_sister_38f_is_suddenly_mad_at_me_because/d3w75uc. I didn't go too in to detail about my sister's narcissism and how she tends to behave around Jordan because I didn't want to make the post too long. I should have been more clear. And somebody asked where Jordan's father is. He works night shift six days a week, so he makes my niece dinner before he goes to work, then packs her lunch and sends her off to school in the morning when he gets home. They go to church with his family once or twice a month and they like to garden together. I don't talk to him a lot because he's usually sleeping during the day and I don't go to their house very much. This update is going to need some back story that I should make clear from the start for a change. Jordan's father is black, and his family is very religious and very in to representing their culture and heritage. The church does a lot of spirituals, and his family likes singing them at home, too. Jordan loves them, her favorite is "Go Down Moses." She also likes a lot of songs from old musicals we watch togther, like Porgy and Bess and Show Boat, that reference the struggles of slavery. When she was about 4 or 5, my sister realized she loved those songs and would always sing them, and she tried telling her husband that Jordan was not allowed to listen to "that type of music," or watch movies about slavery or read books about it, because my sister "wasn't raised that way." My brother in law is usually really passive, but this was one moment where he stood up to my sister and told her that their daughter is half-black and can trace her heritage back to the plantations, so ignoring her heritage wasn't going to happen. My sister will regularly pick this fight with her husband when Jordan starts liking something from African American culture that my sister doesn't like. (But if it's something my sister does like, like a Beyonce song? No complaints.) After my sister yelled at me at the picnic (it was last Saturday, I'm sorry I wasn't clear), I didn't watch Jordan for a few days, partly because I was busy and partly because I thought I should give my sister some space. This was easy because it's summer and I'm not taking Jordan home from school right now. She spent a lot of time with my mother and her other grandmother instead. Shortly after I posted my original post, I sent my sister a few text messages to see how she was doing and what she'd been up to, and she sent back, "Don't think I don't know what you're up. I haven't changed my mind about that stupid name." I told her that was fine, she was Jordan's mother and I'd respect her wishes. She sent another message saying, "Her name is Jordan, nothing else, because that's what I named her." That text becomes relevant later. Her other grandmother actually dropped Jordan off at my house this morning, and she said something like, "Hey, Beezy, tell your aunt all about the bugs you found!" I was so shocked to hear that name after it had been supposedly banned. My niece told me all about the grasshoppers she'd caught and everything, and then she ran to the back bedroom to get something. I asked her grandmother if my sister had spoken to her about her nickname and reminded her about the picnic, and she was like, "Oh, she was serious about that? That doesn't make sense, we've been calling her Beezy all week, right in front of her mom, too." I asked her what my sister had been calling her, and she gave me a weird look and said, "Beezy and JP, like usual. Why?" Before she left, my sister's mother in law mentioned that my sister had yelled at her this past week, too. Apparently, MIL and Jordan had been watching TV at my sister's house, and a black woman with corn rows came on screen. Jordan told her grandmother she loved her hair, MIL said her cousin could do her hair like that if she wanted, my sister got angry and said there was no way her hair was getting put in corn rows. MIL asked what was wrong, and my sister said she didn't know how to take care of corn rows, so it wasn't happening. MIL told her her son (my sister's husband) used to have corn rows and knew all about them, and she could teach my sister about how to take care of them. Then my sister said, "Well, I don't like how they look." Jordan said, "Aunt Bebe has hair like that and she looks really pretty. Don't you think I'd look pretty?" Apparently, my sister just said "No, and don't you do her hair like that, it's hideous" (you being the grandmother and her family). Jordan's grandmother said she didn't push the issue because she's not the girl's mother, but she knew it hurt Jordan's feelings, and she was pretty upset about it as well. As soon as Jordan's grandmother left, I texted my sister and said, "I'm only to call her Jordan, right?" "Right." Well fuck. I was furious, but a few users made a good point. Living with a narcissistic parent is never easy. My niece and I are close and I don't want our relationship cut off. So I need to pick my battles. So once Jordan was all played out and relaxed, I said, "Honey, we need to have a talk about your name. Mommy really wants me to call you Jordan, and I think it's important that we do what she says." My niece got really upset and said that wasn't fair, her mom called her Beezy herself and everybody else did, all of her friends call her Beezy, the name is special to her, she loves fairies and it's always reminded her of fairies (that got me right in the gut), she hates the name Jordan, it was a real mess. So finally I said, "Well, what would happen if I stopped calling you Beezy?" She said names like that are magical and special, so if I stopped calling her Beezy, she wouldn't be special or magical anymore. I told her she's special no matter what, but she was still upset. I was scrambling for a minute and then I realized, well, if she wants her name to be magical, we can do that. I asked her if she wanted to make Jordan special, too. When she eventually agreed, we listened to some of her favorite songs that mention the River Jordan, and I said, "See? Jordan is really special in these songs!" That did the trick. She was thrilled. I think I heard Old Man River a dozen times, but it was worth it. Victory! I figured we were all done with this. I could safely call her Jordan, the battle was avoided, so on and so on. Of course not. An hour ago I got a visit from a very pissed off sister. Apparently, Jordan told her mom all about the songs and how her name was special because of them, and now my sister is telling me I can't call her Jordan. I asked her why, and she said something like, "She likes the name now because of those black people songs! I fucking hate that music!" I said, "I'm really sorry, but Jordan loves it, and it was the only way I could get her to accept me calling her Jordan instead of Beezy." She kept ranting on about how that was too bad, she hated that music, she wasn't raised with black culture, etc. At no point did she mention my niece's feelings. I finally asked her, if I can't call her the name she wants to be called and I can't call her her birth name, what am I supposed to call her? And she just stared at me, completely blank, for I don't know how long, and then she said in a real nasty voice, "Just call her whatever you want, then." Five minutes later, she's totally calm and asking me to watch my niece again in a few days so she can go shopping. And by the way, she called her Beezy almost the whole time she was there. It was bizarre. I was a wreck about this comment at the picnic for almost a week and now things seem much more clear. For me, this confirms that the problem wasn't "Beezy" at all. My sister is picking fights like this because she's a first class narcissist. She is jealous that her daughter has a good relationship with other people, and she's mad that her daughter is becoming her own person. Jordan likes something her mom doesn't like? PISSED OFF. Picking a fight with the adults around makes her feel like she's in control of Jordan again, but doesn't directly come off as abusing or yelling at her daughter. When I look back, this fits a real pattern of behavior for her. The good thing (I don't know what else to call it) is that my sister will rarely watch her daughter for more than one full day at a stretch before she gets frustrated or bored, so I know she won't cut me off. She depends on me too much for child care. I'm just going to try and be there for Jordan as much as I can, and I won't say it out loud, but when she turns 18, she's welcome to move in with me. She can move in with corn rows and a Beezy name tag while she sings "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" at the top of her fucking lungs. That feels like the right thing to do. tl;dr: Jordan's grandmother revealed that everyone (including my sister) has been calling her Beezy and JP all week without any problems. Got my niece to accept the name Jordan and my sister picked a fight. Now realizing my sister picks fights to feel like she's in control of her daughter. I will allow my niece to move in with me if she wants when she turns 18. OOP has another post that concerns the sister and niece My [31F] sister [39F] is mad about my niece's [8F] relationship with me again, but this time, I think she might have a legitimate grievance. Sept 4, 2017 (over 1 year later) The last time I posted on this throwaway I got a lot of really great advice, so I thought I would come back. To make this as quick as possible: my sister is a narcissist and an aloof, but not outright abusive, mother to her niece. We call my niece Beezy. Her nickname was the source of my original issue, and I think reading those threads here and here might give some insight in to my sister's personality and Beezy's home life. For the record, it has become very clear to me over this past year that my sister picks fights with me and uses my niece as collateral. She seems to do it for attention, to play the victim, and to assert her primacy as Beezy's parent. She doesn't actually care about what she picks fights about. The fight about niece's nickname, for example, quickly blew over when I came up with a solution and the family wasn't willing to keep fighting over it. She has since picked several fights, I have always told her I would defer to her judgment as the parent, and she would almost immediately deflate and "let it go" because I wasn't taking the bait. This time, though, I think she might have a legitimate grievance and I'm not sure how to approach it. Beezy went back to school last week. Today, when I was getting ready to leave our family's labor day picnic, my sister cornered me in the kitchen, furious. I asked her what was wrong. I guess Beezy's class was told to draw a picture of them with their two favorite people, then write a couple of sentences about the people in the picture. Most kids picked their parents, but Beezy drew me and one of her aunts on her dad's side. My sister said her sentences were things like, "I love my aunt _______ and aunt _________ so much because they let me play with their makeup," typical 8 year old stuff. I thought it was really sweet, but I could tell my sister was mad, so I asked her why she was angry. She told me that she was really hurt that Beezy loved me and the other aunt more than her own parents, and she thinks it's because Beezy spends too much time with us and we spoil her. I was kind of shocked, so I just asked her if Beezy knew she was upset. She said no, she had just told her daughter that it was a very pretty picture, then put it away in her bedroom. Then she told me she was reconsidering having Beezy spend so much time with us alone. Then she stormed out of the kitchen and left the party before I could say anything. I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I think she's being silly. Lots of kids drew their parents, but some kids drew their friends or their grandparents or their siblings. One kid actually drew his cats. And she's eight. I'm not saying she can't love deeply, but she's just a child. Her sentences apparently said stuff like, "They let me play with their makeup," it's not very deep stuff. On the other hand, I can understand feeling hurt that your child wouldn't draw you when so many other kids drew their parents. And she at least held it together when my niece brought the picture home and showed it to her. She's a difficult person and not the best parent, but I can kind of see why she'd be hurt. I'm part terrified she'll never let me spend time with my niece now, part sure she won't do it because she needs my babysitting services too much to cut me out. I'm not sure what to do. tl;dr: My niece had to draw a picture of her "favorite people," and she picked me and another aunt instead of her parents. My sister is a narcissist and not the most loving parent, and she likes to pick fights, but I think she might have a legitimate grievance here and I'm not sure how to proceed. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is kittensandchains. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest and r/AITAH I have OOP's permission to post this. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Trigger Warning: infant death; discussions of childhood sexual abuse Mood Spoiler: sad but OOP makes the right choice Editor's note: I'm including a couple of background posts that explain more of OOP's relationship with her father, but the main post and update are marked 'original post' and 'update.' OOP chronicled her pregnancy, medical issues and loss of her son on a few other subreddits in the last year, but out of respect for her (and those subs) I did not include them in this BORU. They are not necessary for the overall story either. Background Post: November 5, 2023 Title: AITAH for not allowing my dad to see his grandchild for Christmas? Hello, here is my current dilemma. My (30F) dad (M57) invited for Christmas this year, and usually this has not been a problem for us to attend, since he only lived 1 hour away. But he just bought a now house which is 3 hours away by car, which turns out to be a bit of an issue for us for the following reasons: We have a 15 month old son, and last time we visited my dad (for a day trip), my son was inconsolable the entire way, just wanting to get out of his car seat. This means another 6 hours to look forward to driving back and forward to my dad’s house and just thinking about that makes me stressed out for my son. We do not have a car. We live in a city that doesn’t require it and we bike and take public transport. This means we will have to rent a car to get there, which is incredibly expensive in our country. We do not have a travel bed for my son, who still needs to sleep in a crib for safety reasons. My dad does not have a crib in his house. This means we need to go out and buy a crib just to use that one time in my dads house. As a solution, I offered that we could celebrate Christmas at our place. But my dad, who has a car and no small children, refuses, without giving any reasons. I’ve told my dad, that for my son’s sake and for our sanity’s sake, we cannot attend Christmas in his house this year. This has left him very upset, claiming that I am keeping his grand child from him and that family’s should stay together at Christmas. Just for info: in my country, Christmas and opening presents is in the evening, which is why we would have to stay for the night. AITAH? Background Post 2: February 27, 2024 (3.5 months later) Trigger Warning: childhood sexual abuse Title: AITAH for not forgiving my parents reaction to me being sexually abused as a child When I (30F) was 6-11 years old, I was sexually abused by my maternal grandfather. I never told my parents while it was going on, since I simply did not understand what was going on and I didn’t know it was wrong. It was never intercourse but a lot of inappropriate touching, mostly him telling me to touch his private parts. At least that is what I remember. It all stopped when my grandfather died when I was 11. I kept what happened a secret to my family for a long time. I think it was a mix of shame and fear that kept me from saying the truth. But when I turned 16 I finally gathered up the courage and told them. I told my mom first, as she was always the one I could talk to about sensitive subjects. But to my shock and dismay her first reaction was disbelief. She simply could not understand how her dad, who who was a well-loved figure in our family, could do such a thing. “He never abused me!” She said. She also told me she would talk to my dad about it, so I assumed she did. Fast forward three weeks after. I bring what happened up in a conversation with my dad and he is immediately shocked - turns out my mom never told him. This progresses into a fight between my parents and after that day, it was never spoken of again. My mom later passed away from cancer. I brought the whole situation up with my dad the other day. I told him, that I was disappointed in them as parents and how I felt as if they failed me. I told him, that if this was my child I would at least talked to them and most likely gotten a therapist involved. My dad told me that I never expressed a need for a therapist so he did not know that I needed one. And I told him that was a child and had no idea what I needed and that my parents should have guided me. So am I TA for being angry at my parents even though I did not express a need for help? Original Post: August 16, 2025 Editor's note: To clear up confusion- OOP's son was stillborn at 32 weeks into the pregnancy. That's what "my son of 32 weeks" means. My son of 32 weeks passed away very recently. We knew it was going to happen, so we invited our closest family to say goodbye to him at the hospital. I’ve always had a very difficult relationship with my dad, but I decided that this was an important thing for him to be a part of. I also needed someone who could take care of our 3 year old son at home while we were at the hospital and I was giving birth to our still born son. He calls me the day before he arrives, asking when I expect to give birth. I tell him, that I do not know exactly, since the birth is induced and it can take anywhere between hours to days for my body to react to the medication. He responds: “well I need to let my work know how long I’ll be away, so I need a better timeframe than that”. I repeat myself, as I literally do not know when I’ll go into labour but he keeps pressing me for a more precise answer with quotes like “the hospital must know” “just ask a doctor they will know” etc. In the end my husband has to grab the phone and tell my dad to figure it out with his work. My dad then arrives with his girlfriend and is, throughout the entire day, extremely visibly distraught. I think to myself “wow he really cares” and I feel incredibly bad for him. But I also notice some strange behaviour from him. Throughout the three hours he was there, he just places himself in a corner in a complete zombie state. He doesn’t once console me or my husband. He doesn’t once take the initiative to go for a walk with our 3 year old son or talk to him. He just sits there without a single word, and I have to handle my son while I am also trying to arrange paperwork with the hospital about my stillborn baby. The only thing my dad tells me that day is “you should probably go home to [3 year olds name] he is very confused and he needs you” - at this point I had just given birth to my son 3 hours prior and prior to that been hospitalised for bleeding. My dad then you ends up walking out of the room and taking the elevator down. My husband being a bit worried about him follows and asks him what is going on. My dad then looks at him and says “[girlfriend’s name] and I broke up”. My husband doesn’t react much with other than telling him he is sorry. My husband also decides to keep it from me for the time being because I am dealing with enough grief at that point. Later in the day we all return home. My dad still sitting motionless on the couch staring into the room. His girlfriend gets up to use the bathroom and he then turns to me with tears in his eyes and drops the bomb on me as well: “we broke up, but I don’t dont want to talk about it right now” - clearly he was trying to keep this announcement a secret from his now ex since he waited to tell me until she left the room. In that moment I can’t take it anymore. I glare at him and I tell him “I cannot handle this right now and I think you need to leave. Don’t contact me”. I needed my dad that day. My mom passed away some time ago, and my husbands parents live halfway across the world. I needed my dad more than I had ever needed him, and instead of embracing me, telling me he loves me, telling me he loves our son, comforting me, he is lost in his own grief over his fucking breakup. I don’t even know if a single tear that day was shed for my son. At the same time I can’t felt but feel bad for him, but couldn’t he have waited a couple of days to tell me about this?? Why did I need to know it on that day I’m probably just an asshole I really don’t know but I needed to vent it out Some of OOP's Comments: Commenter: I am so sorry for everything you, your husband and your 3 year old son are going through ❤️ You just needed your dad to be your dad. How is your other son doing? OOP: He is being a 3 year old and is being such a brave and amazing little boy. I adore ham 1000 times more than I ever have and I a showering him with love. He is no doubt affected by it - but I hope we can heal together as a family and I can give him space to grieve in his own way Commenter: Had your Dad always been like this? Between how he behaved on the phone, and how he behaved at the hospital, your Dad strikes me as a very selfish person. I think that you were well within your rights to tell your Dad to leave and to not contact you. I'm sorry for your loss. OOP: We have a very very strained relationship. When I lost my mom as a teenager, he also engulfed himself in grief and forgot to care for his four kids. I had to arrange my mom’s funeral because he couldn’t handle it. He never once asked how his kids were doing, never once checked in on us Commenter: [part of a much longer comment] You need to ask yourself why your husband wasn’t able to tackle the administrative tasks of form filing and child minding. I imagine that if your husband was in the middle of a health crisis that you wouldn’t hand him a clipboard and a two year old. OOP: Thank you - just to clear it up, in that moment my husband was talking to a photographer about how to arrange the photos of our son. He was in another room and did not see them handing me the paperwork Commenter: If they broke up, why did they come to the hospital together. OOP: I ask myself the same question Commenter: Probably because the ex has a heart and wanted to be there for you in a small way OOP: Perhaps. She is genuinely a really sweet person and she has been there for my son more than my dad ever has so it could be her wanting to be there and support us To another commenter: I can see your point, I am bot quite sure when they broke up in the process but it must have been relatively close to my son’s passing. I don’t know what happened between them. My dad has some anger issues and some extreme outbursts, and perhaps she had enough and had to step out despite the tragic circumstances. I’ve gotten to know her quite well over the years, and although I can’t claim to know her to the core, I would be extremely surprised if she decided to break up with him during this time if it wasn’t highly necessary. I hope to talk to her one of these days to understand what happened. I do have sympathy for the double-whammy my dad was hit with, however, if my child ever went through something like this, I can guarantee that the world could be falling apart and that would not stop me from being there to hug and hold my own child. Whether she broke up with him close to the event or not, I do blame my dad for boy being capable of sitting aside his own shit for 3 hours to be there and be present. Update (Same Post): August 17, 2025 (Next Day) UPDATE: my dad called today - 4 times. I did not want to talk to him, so I asked my husband if he could do it - I was genuinely afraid something had happened. My dad used 30 seconds on asking how we are - the conversation then immediately turned into him complaining about his now ex. When he started telling my husband about how he has already signed up for a dating site because “now he needs to find a new girlfriend” he hung up. My dad called my grandmother and complained about how difficult I was being during his visit at the hospital because I didn’t ask why he was so sad I have blocked my dad from every possible contact and I will never let him near my family again submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

We've been married for 9 years, we're in our 30s and have 2 kids. For the most part I think our relationship is great. We don't really struggle with jealousy or insecurity or the like usually, until recently. I know this makes me sound horrible but I never really got along with one of her friend groups. These are some of her work friends she started hanging out with about a year ago. Nothing really against them, just didn't really think it was my crowd. It's 2 married guys & 2 women who are divorced (one recently so), and the few times I came along with my wife to their hangouts it was mostly work talk I didn't find particularly interesting. So usually I'd just stay home & care for the kids to save money on the sitter & let my wife go, but I was clear with my wife that I just didn't really enjoy that particular group and while I encourage her to go out and socialize, I just didn't want to come. She was fine at first, but then the group started pressuring her into bringing me as the guys started bringing their wives around & one of the gals found a partner so she was feeling awkward coming without me. We argued for a bit but after a few times she said it was important to her that I come so I agreed. Well, to my surprise it turned out I get on really well with one of the guy's wives. We just hit it off immediately because we're a very similar type of geek so we'd just talk about TV or movies or anime while the others did their thing. I thought I cracked the code, because now whenever spouses were invited to the hangouts I could show up & have a good time, and I thought it'd make my wife happy. It did not. Instead of her being happy that I'm coming, she's now acting jealous & saying that it's weird how close I'm getting to that woman. I told her it's not weird, she's just the one person I get along with well in that group outside of herself. My wife asked if I would make more of an effort to not just interact with her, and I said no. I again said that the choice was hers - she could invite me to the hangouts or not invite me, and I would respect it. Moreover - I'm not actually close to that woman. I don't have her number, we aren't connected on socials, I genuinely have no contact with her outside of the group, but if my wife is going to insist I come to these things, I'm not going to force myself into having a worse time. My wife said I'm an AH for not putting her needs & wants first, but I told her that's selfish to claim, because she's basically telling me to put myself last regularly so she can both get to bring me to these hangouts but also discourage me from enjoying myself when I come. It seems controlling and petty. So I just again said she can decide if she wants me there or not, but she does not get to dictate how I behave. So AITAH? Update: Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies! I had a talk with my wife about what was different about this group compared to others, and after we considered it for a while it came down to two things. First, I suppose I should mention for context that my wife and her friends are all MDs or PHDs, and teach at a university, where my wife started teaching after getting her own masters degree in public health (she was already an M.D). "Shop talk" in this context means a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of very "funny" stories about how their stupid grad student left cell cultures at the wrong temperature or somesuch or how bad bad the doctors getting their board certification are this year. I tried, I genuinely did to take interest but I can't, not for long, I genuinely cannot participate in these conversations in a meaningful way, and whenever I tried talking to some of these people about other stuff it just doesn't click. I see the lack of interest. Then they sort of drift back to their own conversation. That's why I didn't feel like I should come from pretty early on. So with that in mind, we discussed why she felt it was important that I come despite them clearly not actually enjoying my company and me not enjoying theirs. So turned out one of those friends jokingly said she thought my wife "married down" because I only have my bachelor's degree and never even considered doing anything more, while my wife basically excels at everything she tries (and I'm very proud of her). And tgis made her feel insecure because she was emberassed by me talking about immature stuff around her higky educated, well read friends. I told my wife I think her friend sounds bitter and I don't have to prove my worth to her. To be clear - I own my own business, it's doing well and it allowed me to support my wife through school (MANY, MANY years of school) and make my own hours while she worked ridiculous hospital hours while at the same time working on her thesis, so that I could take care of our kids & home (which I mostly paid for because for most of our life together I was making much more than her. I do now as well but by a far smaller margin). Also we cleared up that outside that joke it wasn't really a prevalent issue, but it WAS made worse by that guy's joke about me & his wife hanging out being a "playdate". So having discussed this it does seem to mostly be stemming from some insecurities on my wife's part. Conversation was a bit tense, but I still maintained that I'm willing to go to the hangouts with her if she wants, but I still refuse to be something I'm not or be made to feel inadequate for what I am or try to prove my maturity to her friends. I'm a good husband, I'm a good father, I'm happy with the life I have and I thought she was as well, which she reassured me she was, so with that in mind we decided that we'll decide on future attendance on a case by case basis, but obviously there's no easy solution to her feeling insecure, so that's something we still need to work on. At least I know she didn't think I was being unfaithful, which is reassuring. submitted by /u/ArdentBagel to r/AITAH [link] [comments]

You’ve been referred here because you’ve got persistent stains, underarm buildup or a funky smell in your laundry due to oils not being removed thoroughly. This post was last modified 12/11/2025 - it now emphasizes the How of Spa Day instead of including the Why And When. You're Not Alone r/Laundry gets many posts a day about strange odors and persistent greasy stains. Many people recommend this technique or a variation thereof to get textiles suffering from these extremely common problems back to a clean fresh state. What In The Hell Is Spa Day? Spa Day is an intensive enzymatic reset process for textiles that have developed specific stubborn problems related to oily buildup, that won’t wash out in one or two typical washes with optimal product and program selection. It uses concentrated solutions of specific components to degrade oily soils, detach them from fibers and rinse them away. First the items are soaked in the Spa Day soak and then they are washed in the washer in a Rehab Wash to remove the things the Spa Day soak loosened up. There’s an entire post about What, Why & Why Not at What Is Spa Day? How To Spa Day What Do You Need? Container and Chemistry Holding It Together - You need a suitable container. Stainless steel, ceramic, glass or plastic containers large enough to hold the affected textiles but small enough to require a modest quantity of water are best. I am partial to beer coolers, as they hold heat for a long time and often have a drain spigot. If you’re using fragranced products and are concerned about your cooler retaining the perfumes or odor from the textiles, line it with a heavy garbage bag before adding the solution. Front Loading washing machines, even with soak cycles, are not amenable to Spa Day as you can’t keep the items submerged. If your Top Loading washing machine can do high volume soaking (with everything not just damp, but completely submerged) for 8-12 hours, that's a fine option as well, but you're using 20 gallons of water to do it and 5 cups of detergent is expensive. The smallest practical container that will completely submerge the items is the better, more economical answer. Please Don’t Use The Bathtub! - It’s much harder to keep the items submerged in a bathtub and they cool off much faster than in a container with less exposed surface area. The heat helps the chemistry work overnight. You don’t need any room for the items or solution to circulate. You just need the items saturated and submerged. If You Want To Keep The Bath Heated - sous vide circulators or a warming plate or similar gentle heat maintenance can improve Spa Day results if you’re not using a cooler or similar insulated container. Set your bath temperature to maintain 120F/50C - do not exceed 150F/65C as it damages the enzymes before they are exhausted. Chemistry - It’s As Easy As LOAD (formerly A,B,C,L)! Broadly you need four chemistry components; this can take two or three different products, depending on your personal preferences: Lipase - an enzyme that biologically cuts oils from animal or vegetable sources into four smaller pieces that detergent can more easily remove Oxygen - color-safe oxygen bleach lightens stains and rips up odor molecules Ammonia - a gas-in-water booster to improve oily soil removal and help surfactants remove oils from fibers Detergency - surfactants to attach degraded oil to water and rinse it away from the fibers The catch is, no one product can contain all four letters. They’re incompatible for storage, so it takes either two or three products to tick all the boxes. Give Me An A! - Ammonia No matter what other chemistry decisions you make, you will need a source of A - Ammonia, any 2-25% solution of ammonium hydroxide will work. Clear, sudsy or lemon doesn’t matter - it’s the ammonia that counts, not the additives. In the US and Canada it’s typically sold in large plastic jugs in the cleaning products aisle with window and hard surface cleaners, usually on the bottom shelf. It’s also available at home improvement and hardware stores. Outside the US and Canada it may be more easily found in hardware stores than grocers and hypermarkets. The most common brand available in the US is Walmart’s Great Value Clear Ammonia, found on the bottom shelf, under the window and floor cleaners. You will use 2 cups of 2% solution, 1 cup of 5% solution, 1/2 cup of 10% solution or 3T of 25% solution. A Note About Ammonia and Bleach: I’m frequently asked about the hazards of mixing ammonia and bleach. These are real. For chlorine bleach liquids or tablets, the risks of mixing with ammonia are injury and death. That’s what the dire warnings about mixing ammonia and bleach are about - chlorine bleaches, like Clorox or Cloralen. Mixing chlorine bleach and ammonia forms chloramine, a hazardous compound that can injure lung tissue with relatively minor exposure. Don't do that. Ever. You shouldn’t mix full-strength liquid ammonia with dry oxygen booster either, especially in a sealed container, as it will burst as it releases ammonia gas. This is why the instructions for Rehab Wash are very careful to minimize contact between dry powders containing oxygen bleach and the ammonia liquid. The risk from mixing ammonia and oxygen bleaches diluted in water, as used in this method, are limited to getting it on your hair and waiting 45 minutes to an hour, at which point you will be a brassy blonde. Or blond, if you’re a dude. Ammonia + peroxide is the secret of bottle blondes everywhere. It’s perfectly safe. I’m not out here trying to kill people. Follow the method directions below carefully. L, O & D - You Have Choices This has historically been the source of the most questions about the process. Hence why each of the four options has been split out into a separate linked document. Choose an approach before proceeding. Measurements for each component in both stages are in the linked document, along with regional example products. Option 1 - Complete Powder/Tablet in the Spa Day Soak, Complete Powder/Tablet + Liquid Ammonia In Rehab Wash Option 2 - Complete Booster Powders for Spa Day Soak, Complete Booster Powder + Any Detergent + Liquid Ammonia in Rehab Wash Option 3 - Lipase Detergent + Added Oxygen Booster in Spa Day Soak, Lipase Detergent + Added Oxygen Booster + Liquid Ammonia in Rehab Wash Option 4 - *NEW* Enzyme Booster + Any Detergent In Spa Day Soak, Enzyme Booster + Any Detergent + Liquid Ammonia in Rehab Wash Next Stop, Canyon Ranch - It's Time For Your Clothes To Have A Spa Day - The Soak Step S1 - Prepare The Textiles - Sort the affected textiles generally by color - it’s best practice to use separate soaks and washes for at least darks, colors, and whites + neutrals. Red cottons are notorious for bleeding color throughout their lives, so consider soaking them entirely separately. Step S2 - Prepare The Spa Day Solution - dissolve the Spa Day Soak components in hottest possible tap water (up to 140F/60C) and stir until completely dissolved using a wood, plastic or stainless steel implement. You must ensure that all of the granules of the powder are completely dissolved before adding the fabrics. Failure to do so can result in permanent discoloration of items. If you’re unsure if your powder components have fully dissolved, wait five minutes and stir again. The single biggest source of textile damage from Spa Day occurs when product is not completely dissolved and the wet particles settle on clothing causing focal bleaching. This is most common with Vanish/Resolve/Napisan powders in Option 2 chemistry, but all products with TAED are at risk of this side effect. Be especially careful to stir any foam back down into the bath if you're using Vanish/Resolve/Napisan , as fine particles can be suspended in the foam. You will not add any liquid ammonia in this step, regardless of which chemistry option you choose. Step S3 - Add The Textiles - submerge the textiles completely in the Spa Day solution, squeezing and pressing to ensure complete saturation. Textiles need to be completely underwater for the duration of the Spa Day soak. A ceramic plate or mug, or white cotton towels are an excellent way to keep items submerged. Covering the container to keep the heat in longer improves results. Step S4 - Relax And Enjoy Better Things For Better Living Through The Miracle Of Science- Soak 8-12 hours. Just let the process work. No need to stir. Watch cat videos or something. Step S5 - Drain - Drain the textiles. Don’t wring or twist or particularly try to dewater the textiles. Send Those Dirty, Dirty Textiles Straight To Rehab To Clean Up Their Acts! - The Rehab Wash(es) Now it’s time to wash off what the Spa Day soak has loosened up. Enter the Rehab Wash. Step W1 - Load Dry Powders & Liquid Detergent In The Machine - using the dosages and products described in Options 1-4 above, place any liquid detergent components in the dispenser of your machine (if so equipped) and place any powders either in the dispenser configured for powder (if only using powders) or in the bottom of the wash basket. Do not combine liquid and powder ingredients in the dispenser. If you have no detergent dispensers, place the powders and any liquid detergent in different sections of the wash basket so they don’t form clumps. Step W2 - Load Drained Textiles In The Machine - Place a load worth of damp, drained textiles in the machine. For front loaders, this is typically about 75% of the way up the glass when damp. For top-load machines, use as many pieces as you would typically wash, accounting that they will take up less space while sodden. Step W3 - Add The Ammonia - Pour the dose of the A - Ammonia liquid directly on the textiles - the amount ranges from 3T to 2 cups depending on concentration. Most household ammonia in the US and Canada is around 4-5%, so you’ll use 1 cup/250 mL. Do not pour the A - Ammonia in the washer first, nor pour it directly on any powdered products. If you're using a top-load washer, and you're concerned about ammonia odors, allow the washer to fill completely and then pour the ammonia directly into the water. Step W4 - Wash - It's important to start the wash quickly after the textiles are loaded - the powder they're touching is water-activated, and you don't want damp concentrated powder on the items for very long. Wash with a heavy duty cycle, warm or hot water as appropriate for the fabrics, and set the soil level as high as possible to extend the wash process if possible. Choose as many extra rinses as available to reduce any residue left behind. Do not add fabric softener, scent beads, chlorine bleach, borax, washing soda, v1negar, live animals or your hopes and dreams to the wash process. You may add citric acid or v1negar to the softener dispenser to reduce the final pH of the clothing. Please note: Rehab Wash may produce ammonia odors, especially in conventional top-loading machines - in fact, it may smell like the Windex factory exploded. Don’t worry - these fumes will disappear when the fabric is dry. Ammonia is a gas in water; it will evaporate completely leaving nothing behind. You may want to crack a window, turn on a vent fan or avoid the area while washing. People vary substantially in their tolerance of ammonia fumes. Step W5 - Dry - If you’re treating stains or visible underarm buildup, hang to dry when the cycle completes. If you’re treating odors, you may tumble dry on delicate/low heat until mostly dry, but hang to finish, just in case there is a lingering odor. It’s MUCH more effective to rewash when the lingering bits haven’t been baked in with thorough high-temperature drying. Step W6 - Evaluate - If visible stains or perceptible odor remain, you may need to repeat the rehab washes. Start from Step W1 of Rehab Wash If the stains or odors aren’t removed within three rehab washes, they may be permanent and they may not be oil stains at all. Please see Polyquat Spots for details on a common cause of oily-looking stains that can’t be removed by conventional methods. Step W7 - Bask In Your Success - Your textiles should now be clean to touch, feel and smell. Nice work! Keeping It Clean - Maintenance washes: Regular use of any laundry product with lipase (see The Lipase List for a link to a spreadsheet with a maintained list of products) will remove oily stains and prevent buildup and odors. All oily soil removal is improved by using at least a warm / 40C cycle and residue removal is improved by using an acidic rinse product like Downy Rinse Out Odor, Gain Rinse & Renew, Tide Boost, citric acid or v1negar. Citric Rinsing has details on residue-removal rinsing. Pretreating spots and stains with a pretreater or liquid detergent with lipase can virtually guarantee first-wash removal - see the pretreater tab on the sheet linked from The Lipase List ). A Note About Authorship: This work, like all other original-content posts on Reddit, is the property of the original poster, and commercial reuse of the work requires permission from the author, not just attribution. If you’d like to request permission, drop me a chat or email me - [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) submitted by /u/KismaiAesthetics to r/laundry [link] [comments]

My (27M) marriage is in a really bad spot after a deep breach of trust. Idk how to recover or how to trust my wife (30F) again. For some context, we've been together 7 years and married 5. We have a child (2M). We met at a con. I thought her cosplay was amazing, struck up a conversation, and the rest is history. She's the most loving, unselfish, and decent person I've ever met. Our relationship was never without its challenges. Our biggest obstacle was her family. My presence was unwelcome. They're very close-knit, and if one doesn't accept you, then you're not getting far. There are a few family members who broke away from the pack, but no one hardly acknowledges them. They're no contact and black sheep. I didn't know how my wife's family was, but I did know family was extremely important to her. Her whole upbringing was based on family. So I tried everything in my power to make it work. They didn't really put up with me until our son. Between our wedding planning to shortly before the wedding, I was the target of some relentless and vicious cyberbullying. It got personal. Fake bad reviews polluted my business profile too. It cost me some potential clients. I didn't know where it came from or why. I couldn't find a solution. I'd report, but it'd take a while for anything to be done, or there'd be more accounts coming out for another round. The whole thing impacted my life and my mental health. It took a toll. My wife was incredibly supportive. She was my rock and my best friend. I loved her even more for her care and how she held me down. Then the trolling and everything stopped. I wanted nothing more than to move on. I put it all behind me until the other day my wife confessed that her family was behind the harassment. I didn't believe her at first, but she was serious and showed me proof in their family group chat. It felt like I was right back there again. They were gloating and justifying themselves. Saying stuff like "Some people gotta learn the hard way" and "If he wants to join the fold, here's his initiation." I knew I wasn't their favorite person, but I never realized they hated me and would go to such extremes. I asked my wife when did she find out and if she was a part of it. She swore she wasn't and that she'd never do that to me. She claims she didn't initially know it was her family until a few months before our wedding. One of my SIL's (28F) left a profile up on her phone, and my wife saw it. She confronted her family and made them stop. I asked why she was telling me everything now. She said it was weighing on her, and she opened up to her eldest sister (35F), one of the family's black sheep. She threatened to tell me the truth if my wife didn't. Nothing my wife said made it better. She knew for years what her family did and hid it from me. She kept everything quiet. It hurts more coming from her because she knew firsthand my pain. I was pretty numb. My wife was anxious and kept pushing for me to say something. I told her there wasn't anything she could say right now that would make it ok. What she did was no better than her family. They made my life hell, and her first instinct was to cover for them. She started crying and begged me to understand. She said it wasn't like that, and she was trying to make things right with as little damage as possible and mend relationships. I wasn't very receptive to her. She wasn't reaching me. I couldn't help her or myself. I told her I needed some time to clear my head. She was against it. She said we could work through this together, but I was firm on space. Space isn't a request she's respected. I'm really trying to understand her side. I'm trying to move past it, but I feel so betrayed. I trusted her more than anyone. I'm my most vulnerable with her. I kept opening up to her about the incident even after she knew the truth. She encouraged me to let it go and not allow it to have any claim on me. I thought she had my best interest in mind. Now I just see it as her attempt to protect her family yet again. I haven't confronted anyone involved. I don't think they're worth it. But I've made it clear they're no longer allowed to see our son until further notice. Now I'm getting texts about how I'm depriving my child of grandparents and aunts over past family spats. One of the hardest parts is the distance from my wife. She's my best friend and partner in every way. Now we're mostly only communicating about our son and other household necessities. She's hurt by my rejection, and she's been crying often. Idk if I'm being unfair to her. I hate all of this. I want to make our marriage work, but I'm questioning our relationship up to now. I'm just really lost. I need an outside perspective. How do I navigate this situation and move forward for my marriage and myself? TL;DR My marriage is in a bad spot. Idk how to trust my wife again. I was the target of some relentless and vicious cyberbullying for months. It impacted my life and my mental health. I put it behind me until my wife confessed that her family was the culprit. She showed me proof in their group chat. I knew I wasn't their favorite person, but I never realized they hated me. My wife swears she didn't initially know and that she made them stop. But she still hid it for years. She begged me to understand and said that she was trying to make things right for us and our son. I asked for space to clear my head. She hasn't exactly respected that request. I'm really trying to move past it, but I feel so betrayed by her. Idk if I'm being unfair. I want to make our marriage work, but I'm questioning everything. How do I navigate this situation and move forward for my marriage and myself? submitted by /u/ThrowRADraftCassette to r/relationship_advice [link] [comments]

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Fxlearner. He posted in r/EntitledPeople. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old so has not been posted here before. Trigger Warning: child neglect; child abandonment; Mood Spoiler: sad but there is some hope [Editor's note: keep in mind that dates are in my time zone and not OOP's. OOP is in Australia and I'm in EDT currently, so some of the math between posts might seem weird] Original Post: June 9, 2025 I won't make this post long, happened a few hours ago. Me and my girlfriend do not have kids, so we have extra "free time" as we always get told by my cousin, who has 4 kids, all minors. She had been joking around lately and saying we should take care of the children (all of them) as she has booked a cruise with her new boyfriend. We didn't pay any attention to it as it sounded absurd and just laughed along with her. we both have an extra day off as it was a long weekend, and heard some knocking on the door at 7 am in the morning. We knew it wouldn't be the post man as they don't arrive that early and weren't expecting any visitors. I go down to check who it is and see my cousin's 4 kids standing out there in the cold, mother nowhere in sight. I open the door and bring them in because it's freezing outside and they had no jackets on, then asked where the mother is. They said she told us that you would take care of us while she is on her cruise, so we took the bus and came to your house. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears, I kept thinking wtf? So I called her immediately and her phone was off. Called her new boyfriend and his phone went to voicemail. I asked the kids to explain exactly what their mum has told them. They said in these words " she said since you don't have any responsibilities and have free time you said you will look after us while she's gone". What do I do? I called my aunt and she said the same thing, that my cousin has told her I agreed to take care of the kids. She didn't even have the courtesy to drop them off and made them catch the bus on a cold winter day. Thinking of calling child services at this point. Some of OOP's Comments: Commenter: Your aunt must know what cruise they are taking. Have her contact the ship & let your cousin know that her kids are going into the foster system. OOP: Yea this is the best route I think. If she at least dropped them off herself and asked nicely maybe just maybe we would have considered it. But it's freezing right now in Australia and she made them catch the bus. This is not cool at all. Commenter: I would never do it, I refuse to be backed into a corner. Also who pays for a cruise with a boyfriend but not childcare? OOP: Aunt paid for the entire cruise. They are "doing it tough" with 4 kids so they couldn't pay their own way. Apparently my aunt was paying for child care so she abandoned them to me. I will update soon. Commenter: Am I understanding this right: your aunt actually agreed to take care of the kids, and her solution was to dump them off with you? OOP: She lied to my aunt and said just pay for the cruise and I will be taking care of the children. That's why when I called my aunt she was baffled that I said I never agreed to such a situation. Update Comment: 1 hour later Cops have arrived at my door with DOCS. I did not call them. Will update shortly. Update Post 1: June 10, 2025 (Next Day) Alright, here’s what actually went down a few hours after my cousin’s kids showed up at our place. We were still trying to figure out what to do - gave them food, put the heater on, got them settled. Still no word from their mum or her boyfriend, both phones going straight to voicemail. Then around 10:30am, I get a call from a private number, it’s the police. They ask if I’ve got four kids at my house. I said yes and explained the situation. Turns out the bus driver who dropped them off is the one who called it in. Apparently, on the ride over, the kids told him they were going to “stay with family” and gave him our address. He thought it was odd that four young kids were travelling alone in the cold with no bags or jackets, so after dropping them off, he reported it for a welfare check just to be safe. A short while later, both police and child protection show up at my door. They were honestly great, calm but clearly taking it seriously. I told them everything. Showed them the texts where my cousin had “joked” about us watching the kids (nothing confirming anything), explained how we had no warning, and that they just showed up saying we’d agreed. The kids said their mum told them we had plenty of free time and would be happy to take them. Then about an hour and half after that, police tell me they’ve gone to the cruise terminal and found her on the ship. This ship was in circular quay in the city, not too far from my place and was scheduled to leave at 3:30 pm. She had already boarded. Ready to sail off with her new boyfriend. They pulled her off and told her she had to come immediately no argument. She showed up at our house looking completely unbothered, full cruise outfit, sunglasses on her head, lanyard around her neck. Didn’t even look at the kids, just walked in and said, “Did you seriously get the police involved?” I told her she left four kids with no warning, no gear, and no contact info. She starts going off about how I “embarrassed” her and “ruined her holiday.” Then my aunt calls (her mum), yelling at me, saying I’d “gone too far” and that she paid for the cruise as a “treat” for her daughter, and I’d “wasted her money.” No concern at all about what actually happened. Meanwhile, child protection was taking a statement from me and telling my cousin this was a serious neglect issue and would be investigated. She didn’t seem to care. Grabbed the kids, didn’t say thank you, didn’t apologise, just left like I was the one in the wrong. I tried to call my aunt and her a while after that to explain that I was not the one who called the police and child services but they wouldn't believe me and both have blocked my number. Some of OOP's Comments: Commenter: Sydney? At least you were home to bring the kids in. OOP: Yes mate, bloody cold in the morning too.. Commenter: Did they not have clothes, just turned up emptyhanded? I'm in New Zealand and the last few days it's been literally freezing. OOP: t shirts and pants... no jacket. Commenter: Good going bus driver. Sounds like the kids were familiar enough with the bus system that this is not their first time. How many other times have they been left to fend for themselves and in what circumstances. Definitely needs investigating. OOP: I didn't know she lets them catch the bus like this. No supervision, it was bound to be found out and I'm glad it happened sooner rather than later. Top Commenter: Bus driver is a good egg ! OOP: Apparently he knows much more than I do, as they have been boarding the bus frequently especially in the school holidays alone. Commenter: I'm just asking out of curiosity, how old more or less are the kids? I'm just surprised that the bus driver even noticed or cared. Was it a long distance bus? Where I'm from it's pretty common for kids to be riding a bus alone, and in my city they even ride for free as long as they have school ID (even in high school) OOP: About 15 minutes by bus. Much quicker by car since it doesn't stop everywhere. She didn't want to drop them off as she knew we wouldn't actually agree to the situation so made them catch the bus. Oldest child is 12, youngest 5. Commenter: How did the cops get your phone number if a random bus driver reported it? OOP: He got my address and phone number from the kids, apparently he knows them well as they frequently used the bus during school holidays alone. OOP adds: I will be posting on social media to all family members and relatives the true story of events. As they are trying to make it seem like I called the cops straight away as soon as they arrived at my house. I already got a few calls from family berating me about this. Update Post 2: June 11, 2025 (Next Day, 2 days from OG post) Didn’t think I’d be writing another update, but this situation just keeps escalating. A couple of days after my cousin came to pick up the kids (after being dragged off the cruise ship), FACS got back in touch and asked a few follow-up questions. During the conversation, they mentioned they had contacted the kids’ biological father and informed him of what had happened. I didn’t even know he was still around. From what I remembered, he’d moved out to regional NSW years ago I think somewhere near Wagga. Apparently, he’s been paying child support and trying to stay in touch, but my cousin made it almost impossible. Would ignore his calls, block him, cancel visits,that sort of thing. Well, when he found out what she did,leaving the kids to catch a bus alone in winter and dumping them on our doorstep, he was furious. Drove straight to Sydney that same night. He came to our house the next morning. Genuinely nice guy - clearly shaken but calm. He said he just wanted to hear everything from someone who was there. We sat down and talked for a while. He asked how the kids were, if they said anything, and what exactly happened. You could tell he really cared. Then he told me straight up: he’s going to apply for full custody. He said he’s been documenting everything for years, the cancelled visits, the excuses, the strange behaviour when the kids did come back to him and this was the final straw. Leaving them like that without even a message? He said he wouldn’t let them grow up thinking that was normal. I told him I fully supported him. Those kids deserve stability. He thanked us for not turning them away and for taking care of them when no one else did. Then he left to speak with a solicitor. Now, onto something I didn’t expect and honestly still can't believe: Our car was vandalised last night. All four tyres slashed. Nothing else touched, just the tyres. We noticed it this morning when my girlfriend went to head out. No note, no witnesses. Unfortunately, we don’t have cameras installed, but we’ve asked neighbours if they have any footage from overnight. Can’t say for sure who did it, but given the timing… I’ve got a few guesses. Especially since a family member called us yesterday blaming us for "turning the family against" my cousin. No proof yet, but we’ve reported it to the police just in case. Honestly, we’re exhausted. We didn’t ask for any of this, just tried to do the right thing when four kids showed up freezing on our doorstep. The entire family is believing her version of the story. I'm thinking of compiling a Facebook post with all the information to prove what happened, as things are getting serious now. Some of OOP's Comments: Top Commenter: Call the cops and file a report. Let them know what happened. It won’t do anything but help in the custody battle OOP: I'm thinking it's the boyfriend, he looks a bit rough around the edges and I've overheard once from her that he has a criminal history. Commenter: I would wait to post anything on Facebook until dad wins his custody case. Where are the kids now? OOP: With her as far as I know still, but the FACS are building a case from what I gathered off the phone call, I'm pretty sure the dad will get custody. To another commenter: Yea I might hold off posting anything just for the dads sake, he's going through hell right now, I can't imagine being in his shoes. Commenter: I’m shocked the cops let her take the kids home and didn’t take them into custody while looking into it all OOP: I get the feeling they like to build a bulletproof case before going all in, to seal the deal. Commenter: Why on earth would anyone believe her? there are 4 kids that can at least verify the "we showed up on the bus without coats or bags." OOP: It's more my aunt's issue, she will side with her no matter what, as she has children. I am despised usually by her as I don't have kids and seen as "irresponsible" and as having way too much time on my hands. Even if she knows the truth she will side with her. Update Post 3: June 13, 2025 (2 days later, 4 from OG post) So, things escalated again, and fast. Last night, around 7:30pm, we got a knock on the door. My girlfriend opened it and just froze. Standing there was my cousin’s eldest, 11 years old, alone, in the dark, holding a small school bag. No jacket. No phone. Just said, “Mum told me to come stay here for a bit.” We were stunned. Asked where the other siblings were. He said, “They’re with her boyfriend. I didn’t want to stay there anymore.” When we asked why she’d let him leave, he said: “She told me to leave if I didn’t like it there. So I did.” We brought him inside straight away, gave him something warm to eat, and called the police. They showed up quickly, along with FACS. Because of the previous incident with the cruise, they treated this seriously right away. The boy told them things no child should have to say. Said his mum had been yelling all day, locked in her room, and no one was looking after them. Said he remembered how calm it felt at our place and just wanted to come back. Shortly after, FACS and police went to the house. We were later told the other children were removed and my cousin was brought in for questioning. There’s now an active investigation into neglect and abandonment. I don’t know if it was guilt, pressure from FACS, or just everything catching up with her, but apparently she’d been spiralling since the cruise incident. Then this morning, my aunt (my cousin’s mum) showed up at our door,absolutely furious. She started screaming at us, saying I’d “destroyed the family,” “turned the kids against their mother,” and was “I stole her kids from her.” She even yelled, “That cruise was the first time she was happy in years, and you ruined it because you don’t like kids!” We shut the door and reported it. Police advised us to keep a record and said we can apply for an AVO if it happens again. Later that afternoon, I got a call from the biological father’s lawyer. He’s officially pursuing full custody and asked if I’d be willing to provide a character reference and a statement about what happened , what the kids said, how they were when they arrived, and how we were involved. I agreed without hesitation. I didn’t ask to be in the middle of this, but if it helps those kids get to a better place, I’m in. The thing that really stuck with us? Just before FACS left with the eldest boy, he gave my girlfriend a hug and said: “You’re the only people who made me feel normal.” That hit hard. We’re emotionally stepping back now, but will continue to cooperate where needed. We’ve learned the hard way that doing the right thing doesn’t always come easy but we don’t regret opening that door. If anything major happens, I’ll post again. For now, we’re just trying to breathe. [editor's note: I'm aware that in a previous comment OOP said oldest was 12. Sometimes posters fudge ages a bit for the sake of anonymity, or maybe the kid is almost 12 or just turned 12 and OOP forgot. I misspoke the other day and said my sister was 27 when she's 26. It happens. Figured I'd write a note here that yes I saw the discrepancy before I got 100 comments calling it out lol] Some of OOP's Comments: Commenter: Those poor kids OOP: Were doing the best we can, our conscience is clear and hoping to keep it this way. I pray the father does get complete custody. Commenter: Please keep us updated!!! It may get messy so please remember that you are doing this for those children, they deserve love, stability and a reliable parent. Will you keep in touch with them? I hope so. OOP: Yea I feel it's an obligation to keep in touch now, definitely. I'm not one to call the police for minor things or have children taken away, but this is beyond outrageous and cruel. One more comment from OOP: Thank you, I can relate to you as I myself have spent some time in foster care, not as long as you but I understand how it feels. Hoping for a good outcome for everyone involved. submitted by /u/LucyAriaRose to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

Just had my 3.4 oz bottle of clear care contact solution confiscated. Both my backpack and carry on suitcase were flagged for secondary inspection lol. I was flying back from Puerto Rico. First item that was flagged was coffee beans I bought, which were allowed when the agent examined it. Then in my clear 3/1/1 bag they pulled out the clear care solution and the agent stated that “even though its 3.4 oz, it has a red cap which means explosive”. The active ingredient is hydrogen peroxide which could he considered flammable/explosive in high concentrations and amounts , but the solution is only 3%. I have never had clear care confiscated and it’s supposed to be allowed per the website. I really didn’t feel like arguing beyond a shrug and just told them to toss it, it was almost empty anyway and I was going home. Any thoughts/suggestions for if this happens again and I actually need it? I’m thinking this might have been a combination of language barrier/inexperienced agents. The people doing the initial scan looked new. However, the agent doing the secondary inspection seemed relatively experienced. submitted by /u/Traditional-Pair-943 to r/tsa [link] [comments]

Update: 1/31/25: Please sign our petition to demand Duolingo take action and hire more customer service employees to support Duolingo customers: https://sign.moveon.org/petitions/duolingo-fix-customer-support-now It brings me no joy to make this decision, but it has become necessary. For too long, Duolingo has treated this subreddit as free labor—data mining our discussions, using us as an unpaid customer support desk, and ignoring real user concerns. That ends today. Effective immediately: All posts asking for help with Duolingo account issues, bug reports, billing problems, or technical glitches will be removed. r/Duolingo is no longer providing unpaid customer support for Duolingo. ⚠️ This does NOT apply to general complaints about Duolingo’s lack of customer service. Those discussions are still welcome. If you do not receive a response or assistance from Duolingo and you're a paying customer, I encourage you to cancel your subscription. Why This Change? Duolingo has made it clear they do not care about fixing their broken support system. Despite being a $16B company, they have only two regular, full-time support staff (plus some freelancers)—leaving millions of users without proper help. We refuse to be their backup. The CEO of Duolingo has been it clear to me that they will not be hiring more staff, and they will focus more on AI and automation to fix the problem. AI can't even properly count how many Rs are in the word strawberry, but whatever. Our moderators are not customer service representatives. We have received countless heartbreaking messages from users who lost streaks due to hospitalizations, suicide attempts, billing issues that went unresolved, and even users sharing their real names and contact information and even more personal stories about how Duolingo failed them in critical moments. While we empathize, it is not fair to expect unpaid volunteers to carry this emotional burden. Duolingo has access to this subreddit’s complaints—they just choose not to act. Instead of fixing customer support, they use AI to monitor r/Duolingo while ignoring real user concerns. If they refuse to listen, we refuse to keep doing their job for them. What’s Changing? We will be closing our FAQ page and removing posts that provided solutions to common Duolingo issues. Any new posts asking for tech support, billing issues, or bug reports will be automatically removed. Duolingo users needing help must contact Duolingo. This community is for discussing language learning—not for doing Duolingo’s job for them. If Duolingo refuses to support its own users, we will not do it for them. 🔗 Read more about what's going on here. Thank you for understanding. submitted by /u/GeorgeTheFunnyOne to r/duolingo [link] [comments]

https://www.forbes.com/sites/robertfarrington/2024/12/11/gop-leader-wants-to-cut-student-loan-rates-to-1-but-would-it-help/ I've seen a lot of posts about people on the brink of giving up over student loans. I've had my income garnished before and have went through years and years where paying student loans was challenging. I strongly believe the only way we can change the current status is to make it very clear to Congress that we need solutions - and that the key to being re-elected is by doing something about these issues, no matter which side is in power. Here is something positive you can do. Contact your representatives! Tell them you want this! We need to show congress that this is an issue that voters care about, and if they want to be re-elected they need to take it seriously. (I'm not republican btw - being able to pay my bills is more important to me than whether a bill is proposed by a democrat or republican). submitted by /u/Tasty_Method_8792 to r/StudentLoans [link] [comments]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/themachucajr My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship” Originally posted to r/Marriage Previous BoRU TRIGGER WARNING: possible controlling behavior Original Post May 7, 2024 My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages. However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that. We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this. I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home. I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household. In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant. We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity. Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it. tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice. RELEVANT COMMENTS/MISSING REASONS Commenters looked at his history and found they were swingers We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue. I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful. If this is a consequence of swinging This issue existed long before the lifestyle. & I agree that swinging wasn’t a solution in the end. Never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case, we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at the conclusion that “myself” is the problem and she has no problem with other men, we would amicably part ways. However this wasn’t the case. She didn’t like sex nor intimacy there either. She was very much in control of that whole swinging situation. And yes, I went along with it. What gives? It felt very organic and it was her “effort” if you will, to discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I’m the problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn’t the case. Six years of miser sound awful. I would very much hate that. OOP on if the this started when the swinging ended Finally a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. You’re absolutely right about the fact that the swinging experience had things/changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example, the best thing swinging taught us (even above sexual exploration) was the level of transparent and open communication it requires. We would literally have mental orgasms having dialog with such intentionality. We implemented that in ALL our lives and areas including parenting with our children. She even agrees that we’re thankful for that takeaway from our swinging. Honestly, I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes, we explored swinging, however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop, it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so. In fact, we met with that couple who we mesh super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. So it wasn’t because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn’t any better and since she’s not enjoying the sex we both agreed there’s no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we’re still friends with those people because it’s great. All that said I know, more often than not, swinging causes massive issues. However, this was something we explored in pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as taking a “practical” approach to trying to solve the problem. Update May 15, 2024 Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/YlSDQ4nogk I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation. One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experience sever poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships. For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree. At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually. Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post). I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page. I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging. I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome. Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional. Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it." She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues. We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course. We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less." This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own. I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen. I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better. Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best. TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples. RELEVANT COMMENTS CatsGambit So, I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you are both going 50/50 on childcare, as you both work and share children. Because otherwise, this approach is just plain financially abusive (and if you're planning on saying "I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me", sexually abusive as well). Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total POS, I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated, similar situation- we both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together, have barely any intimacy (a kiss or two, hugs every couple days), and spend.... maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us (him, me, and the toddler). Even less just the two of us- maybe 3 hours a week? Otherwise, he is on his game, or out playing sports, watching youtube, or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friends situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it, as the spouse that presumably was pulling away first- I hope you keep us updated. OOP Yes we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50/50 was not to cripple nor hurt her financially (that is cruel) but mostly to send a message on what a “roommate” dynamic looks like in the real world. I really dislike how people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances as a way of manipulating her. It’s not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills. However 50/50 means she has less “whatever” money AND the understanding that roommates share everything equally. Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We always saw ourselves as a “unit” that do things together. Both alone and with the kids too. That’s changed now where I’m choosing to focus on more independent type of pastimes and focus. That is what has sparked her reaction and realization of “there’s more” than just roommates here. ~ TheLoneJackal How does one dump half of the household expenses on the other person if they share a bank account? Or are your finances kept separately? Just curious how this would work if applied to my life. OOP Excellent question. We shared everything. The proposed 50/50 was suggesting we place the necessary amount to pay bills in the same account and any leftover money can be deposited to a new account. I think this is why she was very upset. She felt a huge loss of control knowing she won’t be able to monitor my finances. Also, she felt a huge loss in her left over money with this arrangement and saw that I would keep significantly more of my own. This is still being worked out because I think she is calling my bluff here but my plan is to notify her next week as I modify my direct deposit and open a new account. It will definitely be more real there. TO BE CLEAR (for all the trolls here) yes, she will have less leftover money after responsibilities and it’s still enough to live on. EXAMPLE (for reference): Assume I make $3000 a month, she makes $1000 a month. Responsibilities are $1000 a month. So she’d contribute $500 and I would contribute $500. Where before she would contribute only $250. This is the last comment I’ll add regarding money and finances. She’s fine and she’s not hurting. I PROMISE When asked what if she leaves for another man Interesting. She has no shortage of men hitting on her and we’re by no means jealous people. So I’ve witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say, if another man for her was the answer, she’d tell me or she’d have some inkling maybe? There’s no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person. & You might be right. And if this is the case, so be it. However, I’ll live with peace knowing I left no stone left unturned. CRAZY THOUGHT: I know I would be disappointed and saddened if she did leave for another man that would accept the bare minimum BUT I’d also feel a peace knowing it’s not all my fault (I know I’m responsible in some way to some degree. That’s just marriage). I know sadness and depressing will creep but we’ll both overcome but if this does happen at least there will be clear reasons and clarity as to why it did. Also, I know for a fact it she wouldn’t cheat. We’re both very blunt open and transparent. She would definitely tell me that she wants to step out on our marriage before it actually happens. As would I. We owe ourselves this respect for each other and we actively practice it. NEW UPDATE Update 2 July 19, 2024 I debated for a long time on whether to submit an update on this matter. A few significant changes have taken place and I felt it would be good to not only share with you, but also to allow myself to process all of this in a uniform way. We're now almost 9 weeks in on the 180 method I mentioned I was starting and it started to render some positive reactions from my wife. I explained in the previous posts that she started to notice things that she previously took for granted, started to ask more about my whereabouts and also started to notice I would go out with the kids more often without her and she started to invite herself to which I didn't decline. So much has changed and it has changed for what seems to be for the better. This past Memorial Day weekend, my wife asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee because she wanted to talk to me about something. This was HUGE, because I can't recall when the last time my wife asked to "talk" to me about something important. I must admit, I was very nervous and worried about what this could be about and my mind was racing with the plethora of scenarios of what it could possibly be. Of course I agreed and we took some time away from the kids to have this conversation at a local coffee shop. The talk was very constructive in nature. There was a ton of insightful information about herself that helped me further understand where she is in life both emotionally and mentally. We summarized what the core issues we are encountering are and she asked me for help! This is NEW, and I cannot tell you how excited I was hearing something so sincere coming from my wife who for the last 2+ years has been absent. So, after she was through sharing all her thoughts, I proposed a plan that I felt was right for us. This is something that I had been thinking about these last few weeks and I was planning on bringing this up in a few months if I noticed that things were not changing for the better. This "date" felt like the right place to share it since it goes hand in hand with what she talked about, and it also relates to the help she was asking me for. I started by first acknowledging her feelings and her concerns. I told her they are valid and how she feels is personal to her and that I care that she feels this way because I don't like the thought of her being sad or depressed. I also told her that my goal still is and will always be for us to reconcile and be the "happily ever after" we vowed to be for each other and that my love for her is as strong, if not stronger, as it was the day we said "I Do." I continued the conversation by telling her how I felt about the whole situation (read my previous posts for details) and how it affects me every day. I also clarified some things that she mentioned she was feeling because how I have been very distant and monotone (transactional) lately. I explained to her that I was very much trying to protect my feelings and emotions from the rejection and neglect and that it wasn't personal, it was simply me safeguarding myself because I cannot control her, I can only control myself. This was a perfect segue way to the core of this approach which is focused on self accountability. I told her that for the longest time I was always working hard to make her happy and do things that I knew she enjoyed or wanted. However, I was always met with rejection and disappointment which caused a load of stress on me. I explained to her that I had to make a change for myself. Afterall, I can only control myself and make the changes that I want for myself. I mentioned how I was starting to implement new habits and routines that help edify me all while still executing all of our shared responsibilities including parenting, finances, and daily living activities. I explained that the goal is to continue to improve myself both as a husband and father, learn more, and be healthier (among other things). She was very receptive to this. She told me that she sees what I'm doing and that she is proud of the changes she has seen. She also told me how she's starting to realize that she feels left behind and that much of the things that have affected her negatively are her own fault. Toward the end of the conversation which was about 3 hours, there was a very high spirit of reconciliation in the room. I told her that my goal is to ultimately make this work, however I was very clear that I was not going to live under the current circumstances. I told her that my heart wants her to be happy even if it means elsewhere and that I also deserve to be happy myself. I also explained that I do not want our children to grow up thinking this was ok or normal because they deserve better as well. She told me she doesn't either, she told me she doesn't know what to do to which I replied, "lets set some clear goals however, the goals will be for ourselves, NOT for each other." So, here is what we established: ​ We are in charge of our own happiness: the key here is that she's not responsible for making me happy, and vice versa. We both need to seek what that personal plan looks like individually. Also, we're both encouraged to include each other in taking those steps if we want, but it is not required. ​ We are in control of our own individual lives and our own journey: this means we're both responsible in finding the resources necessary to grow, change and heal. We can definitely help one another when help is requested, however, unsolicited advice or help will not be rendered. ​ We are responsible for communicating: this ensures nothing is left unsaid. If it was never brought up or discussed, it never happened. We're not mind readers and we need to take ownership when we fail to communicate. ​ Make a list of needs and wants: this gives us both clear direction about meeting each others needs. This also gives us a CHOICE as to what we want/choose to do, compromise on, or decline to do. This list also will not serve as a checklist for accountability! We made it clear we would NOT be bringing this list up for the purpose of arguing, and it was up to the other person to use the list as a tool for growth, transparency or clarification. We concluded that it was up to us to decide if we will be happy doing these things for OURSELVES because we care, not to simply check a box. This was very important in order to establish long term habits and not short term band aids because you cannot "make" someone change or do something they don't believe is important. ​ Established a deadline (Memorial Day 2025) At the end of the conversation we concluded by setting Memorial Day 2025 as a hard stop to evaluate our lives and our progress. We agreed we would do this with the clear understanding that we will independently decide if we are happy here. If we determined we arent happy, we will be getting a divorce. We would also both assume full responsibility for what happened should we get divorced. For example, if needs were not met, it would mean "my partner chose not to meet them." This places full responsibility on each other in all areas. The whole process requires that if "needs were not met," the next question should be, "did we do everything to address this issue?" If yes, then we will have a clear conscious of what transpired and know we left no stone unturned. IF, however, we "didn't do everything to address the issue," it will mean "the issue was not important enough for you or didn't care to meet those needs." (this goes both ways in all areas, like everything else.) We established that the main motivator for change should be ourselves and that if we did that, we would in turn begin to see beneficial changes towards each other. The goal is to ensure that everything we are doing for one another to meet each others needs is being done because "we WANT to do it for our spouse, not because he/she asked. Isntead, it was done because I know it makes him/her happy and I love seeing them happy." I felt it was important to mention to her that we are no longer "required" to do anything for each other. It is now more of a "I want" to do these things for each other. Ultimately, I felt the conversation was very positive and productive. Many tears were shed and lots of hugging ensued. I know this doesn't mean or guarantee anything, however, this has never happened before and I can honestly attribute it to the 180 method (I cannot give anymore insight on this method other than its the only thing I did different and something new happened for what seems to be better). I've decided I will conclude and will refrain from this method moving forward as the plan now has changed. I'm planning to devote myself entirely to not only myself and my growth but to also work on her needs and wants because I WANT her to be happy by my side. She said and agreed she would do the same for herself. We agreed we would help and build each other wherever we request for it and that we will be approaching this as a team. As of today, some of the biggest changes I have noticed are her commitment to therapy and mental health. She is taking some antidepressants that are helping her. She is also more confident and in a far better mood more frequently. We have started to explore more ways of intimacy in multiple areas such as physical touch and words of affirmation. Sex is starting to make an appearance which is exciting (side note: sex was very very awkward to start when you've ben abstinent for so long). We've also started to workout together whcih is great and have lost weight which is also very exciting. Overall, communication has improved, and I cannot wait to see where this leads. I hope this helps someone out there. I'm still very much interested in your feedback and thoughts on this. You all have been a huge help in giving me hope and insight into this tough journey. Trolls aside, many of you have really been instrumental in my journey both emotionally and mentally. I will not be providing any more updates until Memorial Day next year. I think its now time to keep focusing on myself and start working on all the new opportunities that hopefully will arise with my wife. I wish you all the best in life and your relationships with those you love. TL;DR: Our marriage took a turn for the better after the 180 method and we're now working on ourselves, each other and rekindling our marriage. We also set a deadline for next year to either remain together or get divorced. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]