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I am really scared. This is happening now. And I honestly don't know what to do.
Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask. I'm also sorry for all detail. Feels necessary in this case. I'm sitting here, very fucking scared. I think something is going on, and my carbon monoxide is fine. I moved into a “new” (to me, early 1900s) home on Friday. With my two young, special needs kids (grandkids adopted, I'm GenX) late Friday evening. I had a very very grueling move Friday, where I packed a 6x12 trailer myself in record breaking heat, all day, and I'm also a cancer patient. Then drove 2 hrs in violent thunderstorms to get to our new home, a somewhat isolated early 1900s farm-ish type house? Landlord texted where she'd leave the keys, where the fuse boxes were, and that she'd leave the house unlocked for us. It was 1045 PM when we got here. Kids were freaking a little. It was *very* dark. But I have a high powered flashlight and used it. Found the keys. And then strangely *kept* finding different sets of keys all through the house. It became like a game with the kids, oh, look! Another set! Like 4 sets, and then there was another set off the ring and arranged strangely on the counter, but only 3 keys. All the other sets had 4 keys. One of the fuseboxes was supposed to be in the back of the house, near a “storage room.” I was not shown this storage room at the showing. I discovered that meant going thru to the back of the house, go outside, stumble in the dark to the right a while, and there's a door to a room, like 4x8, part of the original house. Has an original door and knob (which doesn't lock, BTW), four paned, antique glass windows. And inside, the walls and floor and ceiling are all plywood, and there's a seemingly nailed shut door with no handle facing the house interior. And the plywood flooring has a … IDK, a U-shaped gaping open hole in the floor under the door. It's part of the original house, but sealed completely (?) off from the rest of the house. Found the fuse box elsewhere, got power on. Brought in basics and we were all nodding off, exhausted, over our delivered pizza. Everyone went to bed. Next morning, I'm in the kitchen and see the guy in the trailer next door walking down his driveway with a bag in his hand. Said OMG hope he's not coming here, coz I hate drop ins. He was. He had some waters and cliff bars, introduced himself, offered to help me empty the trailer, said he was going to walmart, did I need anything? I said yes to the help, he'd come back at 130 once kids were napping. No, for anything else. Offered money to pay for his help. He declined. He left. I texted my family about this, as I felt he paid unusual attention to my son, 7, comments on his eyes, his beauty, his unusual name and so on. Ignored my daughter. My DANGER WILL ROBINSON was dinging. He talked more to my son than to me really. 10 mins later I jokingly said to my son, ah, should have asked for a pallet of bottled water. 5 mins later, neighbor's back. I open the door, and he's doing this rapid fire speech thing, what do you need, whatcha want? Cmon, you need something, what is it? Totally different vibe than his intro. Speed talking, sly grin, bent at the waist, leaning towards me. Like a completely different guy. I said we are fine, TYSM. He continued to be insistent and I continued to politely decline. I really do hate drop ins, BTW, so a second and weird one in a 20 minute span annoyed me. I decided to do the trailer myself and be “napping” at 130. After his unusual attn to my son, and then that super weird hard sell on getting me shit, I was noping TF out. The kitchen doesn't have curtains or blinds on 4 of the 5 windows. My rental has an acre+ so we're next door, but not close. Put the kids down for a nap, dozed off. He was back at 130, 145. About 230, figured I was safe, got up, shoes, ice … and suddenly he was back, knocking. I stepped back into the living room, quietly. He stood out on my porch a long time, staring at my car, hands on hips, before he left. I did the trailer, and it was kicking my ass. Son woke up before daughter from nap, and after a couple hours, I sat down in the kitchen, said whoo, I am absolutely done in. And I was. But I had 4 food boxes still in the trailer, too heavy to lift, and 6 more on the porch to bring in. Our door was open. I had been bringing in boxes off the front porch. 5 mins later, neighbor shows up. Offers to bring in the boxes. … what amazing timing. I said thanks, please. And he did. And offered to take them upstairs, I declined. He stayed a while, talking. I figure GenX. Shorter than I, bald, grey goatee. From the snacks and his original intro manner, I figured he was maybe a little crunchy and mild. Like a cleaner old hippie. No manic speech this time. We chatted a bit. I apologized for having “fallen asleep” earlier. He left. So he came by 5x yesterday. My first day here. Yesterday, my son and I talked about the applesauce cups I buy, how he liked them, while I was going thru storage stuff and throwing out fruit cups and applesauce that had expired. Told him I'd have to order some. He asked me for a PBJ sandwich, but I don't have that stuff yet. I found a roll of toilet paper in some of our stuff, said yay! We needed this! There is none in the upstairs bathroom. Started putting away cabinet stuff, said to myself out loud, oh, I should line these with paper towels. Huh, half a roll. Gotta get more. (ADD, I do talk to myself.) And here's the worst part. I was doing laundry (which is in the kitchen). I have a bunch of bottles of our detergent, was using the smallest to use it up. I always add water after it empties, shake it, and can get another load out of it. He never saw our detergent. It was next to the washer, but behind an opened door, with a big black trash bag in front of it, plus stuff to take upstairs. Here, you take trash to the landfill, so I don't put trash outside, but I was also literally just moving in that day, so hardly any trash. I also said nothing out loud during this time. I was listening for screams of pain or rage from the kids playing in the living room. So early this morning, I go outside for something from the car … and there is an 8 pack or whatever, jumbo, thing of paper towels, toilet paper, with a bag of applesauce cups and PBJ bars or something … and an extra-large sized bottle of our particular laundry detergent which is for sensitive skin and not all stores carry it. He'd mentioned sometimes delivery drivers make deliveries to the wrong houses, this one and his. I'm going on much too little sleep, physically exhausted, difficult night and morning with youngest, distracted by a thousand different worries. I think, huh, I hope that's a misdelivery, and I leave it. At this point, I didn't look in the bag on top of the paper towels. It wasn't mine, I hoped he'd come get it. We get busy taking the last trailer boxes in, kids bickering, take the trailer back, come home, kids nap, unpacking, in and out, and this stuff is still there. So I let it sit there all day. I did a Walmart order for us, it arrives around 530. Driver did get confused and parked in neighbor's driveway, had to walk my stuff over to us. As I was bringing in our things, it started to rain. We've had a series of ferocious thunderstorms with 70+ mph winds this week. I think, his shit is gonna get ruined or blown away. Bring it in to put it to the side. So I lift the bag on top of the paper towels, and there's a note. 3 post-it notes long. See for yourself. I've read it 5 or 6x, and I do not understand. It doesn't make sense to me, and I also get very off put by people quoting Bible stuff at me. It's presumptuous, rude, and tells me everything I need to know about them. And then I looked in the bag and saw the applesauce. The PBJ things. And then slowly it hit me (remember, I am fucking exhausted). Wait. How did he know our very specific, sensitive skin detergent? And who TF buys a person they just met yesterday, talked with briefly, *detergent*? And how would you … just *correctly guess* what we use? Or even think I needed it? Unless … you saw me empty the small one, put the water in to stretch it, and assume something? I have a butt ton of laundry detergent and it was not visible to him. Ever. Nor did I move along the laundry while he was here. He cannot see into our kitchen windows from his place. And very slowly, this sick feeling hit me. Every single thing left outside our door early this morning… *was something my family talked about and didn't have yesterday.* These PBJ bars are as close to PBJ as you can get without giving me an actual loaf of bread and jars of PBJ. Which would be fucking obvious. Or even more obvious, I guess The applesauce cups my son wanted. My joy in finding half a roll of toilet paper. My intention to line the shelves with paper towels I needed to get. … the detergent. … the note. And I'm fucking scared. He could not have overheard all that. To casually buy a new neighbor some random stuff, *and hit on every single thing we discussed (or maybe demonstrated, with the detergent) in private* … I even asked my phone, is this statistically possible? It is not. And my phone's AI started freaking out and telling me all this shit to do. Like call the landlord. The police. Barricade yourself. Go to a hotel if you can. Like, validating, but not even remotely reassuring. So look. I plan to put this stuff back on his porch tomorrow, like a misdelivery. Like, a note? (If he intercepts me.) What note? Must've blown off maybe? But no, TYSM. But we're good and this is much too generous. *We cannot accept it.* But if he heard (and saw?) all that yesterday, he heard me freak out and slowly put the pieces together today. He knows I know. I've covered all the kitchen windows. I checked all the house windows and clicked the slide locks on. As it got dark tonight, every light in his place is off. His car is there. What TF is this? I turned off all lights after kids dozed off. Used phone looking for a blinking light. A sign of how he did this. I'm not even halfway unpacked so shit's everywhere. Don't see anything. There is simply no way he overheard this. No way he fucking *guessed* at our detergent and, I guess from my filling it with tap water habit, made an assumption about my needing more. That's the part that makes me scared. He would have had to see me. And he couldn't have from his trailer. Too far. Wrong angle. Even without curtains. As I was checking windows and clicking out the slidelocks, I noticed our back fusebox was open. NGL, I was scared. I thought, that would be one way to force me out, that's the master switch. I'd have to go outside if I needed to flip it back. I'll put a lock on it tomorrow. Had the kids stand in the doorway, and stepped over to the “storage room,” and the door is 3 inches open, lights on. I go in, look around more. I didn't have my phone coz I used a screwdriver on the windows and that was in my hand, but I can post some pics tomorrow. I'm so freaking body sore and tired, and it's been mentally challenging because of the kids and my lack of sleep, pushing thru this move alone. Like herding cats, these kids, sometimes. And one is violently opposed to bedtime. And is dramatic. So it's been a lot. I'm completely exhausted. I don't know what this is. But he's somehow seeing and hearing us in here. And the house was left unlocked for us. Those keys everywhere. The one set, with a missing key, arranged on the counter. Not where the landlord said she'd leave them. The statistically impossible “guess” of hitting fucking EVERYTHING we discussed. Privately. The, in exhausted retrospect, impossible timing of appearances. That weird personality flip, coming back inappropriately insistent we needed something he could get us, right after I make the comment to my son. That note. Is this schizophrenia? Him, not me LOL He must be able to see and hear us. I'm wondering about that missing key. Actually, *all* the keys. Because it was like an Easter egg hunt in here on Friday night, but with keys and in country-dark darkness. I wonder about the last tenants. And now I'm wondering about the brand new carpet in here. Tomorrow I will call the landlord and the sheriff and just flat out ask if anyone has had trouble with this dude before. If he's been listening, he knows this, and that I'll press whatever charges I can. He's seen me treat my son's groin area for what I (as a former paramedic) thought was a chafing rash from his shorts, but turned out to be some weird dye transfer from new underwear. There's not even a TV glow next door. I … I am full on crashing out hard. I got my machete out of the car before dark, and I have a stun gun. I'm honestly scared. And I have a 2 year lease. WTF do I do? ETA: Pics are now loaded below ETA2: thank you to another redditor who posted in a whole 'nother subreddit just now, on a whole different discussion, asking if I was gonna update here. Which shamed me into it because I don't have all the answers. At one point, it said there was a crazy number of responses, like hundreds, to go thru and I'm literally buying living room furniture on auction, or working, or kids, or 3 hrs of sleep, or that acre of yard to mow for which I couldn't even find a decent lawnmower, and ad infinitum I'm stressed and stretched to my breaking point and I really don't have time for fucking crazy right now Been a little intimidated to discuss it further, honestly, and also had surgery and I'm still moving in, and my ADD is intimated by the sheer number of replies. So I'll just say where I am before reading anything below So, it was weird because we left a few days, had medical stuff and more moving stuff that kept us away for a bit. I'm crazy busy trying to clean and unpack and deal with the kids and life shit The toilet paper and towels and laundry detergent keeps showing up on my front porch, even tho I've put it at the edge of the front area, over his fence, by his mailbox. This went on for a while, IDK, 2 weeks? No more notes. For me, the note was kinda part of the worst because bro, what, keep your jesus hands to yourself Finally i stood in front of the sink where the camera must be able to see my use of laundry detergent and said, fuck your feelings. Slammed some outside doors randomly, loudly, til i saw the "Direct" wifi thing pop up on my phone. (I explain this theory below) Said out loud, I don't have time for nor do I tolerate unrelated-to-me crazy. If you won't take this shit back, fine. But I don't have any more time for dealing with this and as you've been watching, you know this. Leave us alone. Let your camera battery die, or stop snooping because every time I do anything different from routine or mildly interesting, your Wifi link pops up. I know how you're doing it. I have a 2 year lease. Wtong bitch. Wrong circus. Fuck off and stop. Thanks for the toilet paper, but we're full up on the jesus and crazy shit. Leave me alone and I'll let you be, but you're gonna fuck off one way or the other I had forgotten to bring my modem on the first wave to move down here, so every once in a while, I'd get an open WiFi network msg on my phone. I'd have to watch for it, because it would show a "Direct" link to a device for only a few moments, and then disappear. No other networks show until you step outside and basically cross a driveway and stand closer to the road, and then i can see 3 other networks for people across the street and an acre+ away from me. He's the only one I see (sometimes) when inside I think he has a camera that's not wired into my electricity, that he can only use for so long before either the power source dies or he cannot remotely access it anymore. The night we moved in, my power was on, but I had to flip two breakers when we first got here. The landlord turned the breakers off so the power co could put service in my name while I was still hrs away before move in Why would he care to bother? He did see us outside for an extended period of time with the realtor when we came to see the place. The kids played outside. They're cute AF Also? That note, with the jesus instructions made me very uncomfortable and IME it's this type that should be scaring me right now There's clearly no man with us, and that shouldn't matter, but I've found it actually does to certain types. He mentioned something about his past when we talked that one day, something that makes me think my situation is both of interest and inexplicable to him. No man?! How on earth will she survive He only had a maybe 30 hour window of time to do anything where the house was left unlocked. And that may not even be a thing, because I'm pretty sure I could break in here if I ever got locked out. It's a 100-yr old house and some stuff sucks. I've addressed that stuff. There's cameras now, and motion sensor solar lights, and front porch lights. And inside locks above the doorframe, and doorframes that are hung correctly instead of gaping open, and locks on creepy rooms, and baseball bats and machetes near every entrance, and my stun gun by my side always. I'm rusty on baseball bats, but i know how to use the rest And he hasn't come back over. Not once, after that I saw the Wifi pop up a couple days ago. I bought the kids a big ass TV, and made sure the older one didn't read out loud my passwords and screen names as I entered them into Roku again They only change clothes in certain areas. I got shower curtains up. I've tried to think of every single thing that type may think of. And figured out a fuck you. Landlord said no one has had an issue with the guy before as far as they know. Never even seen the guy. And now that I'm paying attn? He never - and I mean never - opens his blinds Last week he did this weird thing. Brought a plant out, made a big deal of digging a big ass hole. But didn't plant the fucking bush or whatever it was. Next day? Hole is filled in, no plant, hm. What was that all about? Literally digging for hours under my bedroom window, only to ... plant nothing? And fill the hole with ...nothing after dark but the dirt you just dug? Bro what So I run with my thoughts on that theory, i mean, it was almost like a bush alibi. But who is planting big ass rose bushes 20 minutes before sunset? Like, it was a big hole, and i ran with my why-would-you-need-a-hole-digging-alibi theory, half jokingly, with someone on speakerphone for probably 30 minutes a few days later. I was seriously making a joke, like, ok, stay with me here. LOL I was trying to push this way beyond a sane person, like it was an extreme "my neighbor is a sociopath" joke. I would have never noticed or cared or even thought this if the other shit hadn't happened. Oh, and guess what! Several days and the next morning later? He came back out and re-dug that fucking hole, or close to it, and planted that rose bush. For someone who was over here so much, and leaving probably $50 worth of oddly needed bulk items, with notes, at my door, refusing to take them back? He hasn't been back once. I have over an acre to mow. It takes a fuck ton of time. He has not come outside once and I've probably mowed at least 8 hours in the past 2 weeks. Oh. This was noticed yesterday, but the house has been secured in the meantime. That post-it note? I put it on the wall, by the fridge. To show cops or whomever. The top parts of it are gone. I've checked under the fridge, the side of it, the window, the curtain, everywhere. The crazy jesus stuff and everything else? Gone. All that's left is the part that says, everyone else just wants something in return, or whatever. Those missing post-its are gone What else. I'm so tired and not wanting to deal with this. We were in a really bad place before now. I fought for us to be here. I just can't have the crazy right now. I don't fucking have time for it. I know I'm not wrong. But I've done what I can with limited resources. Old phones are set as cameras in the windows using a security app. I said what I said, when I saw the link boost up, and ... it... all... just stopped. I have done nothing else to make him feel unwelcomed here, other than say it inside where I know he can see me He's avoiding me. And that's fine. Ugh, there is more but I'm stressing some after writing this and there's unpacking to do and bass to play. If anyone knows how a camera like I've described, limited power source, needs logging in to access, might be run thru a cable wire (cable as in ground ... wifi? Comcast? And affixed to the end of a cable inside? That kind of thing? TV cable stuff? Stuff I have not used in more than a decade) I found something weird inside and outside the house and I think explains how he did it. I think the camera is gone now. He's not fucking with me anymore, and honestly that's all I hoped or asked for. Keep the crazy jeaus hands to yourself. I have not had the time to Google this last camera thing fully. And LOL I think I understand the grimace he gave when I mentioned I was a bass player and if it is ever loud enough to hear next door, pls let me know. I can't hear loud music played upstairs, the kids can't hear me. But I bet it fucks with a mic. I feel like I have not tied this together properly so that I won't be called crazy too. And that's fine. Typing this out to update all y'all took more than an hour and I can see what it sounds like. I also know when I'm right and when I'm wrong, and I'll fucking own it either way. I don't know if we'll ever be truly safe here, and I have to pay attn, and not let my guard down. It's also a housing crisis and I'm grateful for what we have now. He can be all the crazy he wants, but we'll not be friends and it's been a couple weeks. He hasn't come back except to put that shit on my porch. Not face me, not pretend I'm the crazy one. He .. stopped. And for now, I'll take it. I have not talked to police yet. Because if I can't convince you all here with somewhat organized ADD thoughts, I'll never be able to explain to cops why I'm spooked, with only my words But if he comes at us again? I'm ready this time. Whatever happens will be on several cameras. And that's the best I can offer for now. It's also why I haven't updated. I've questioned and self-doubted myself into thinking this is some weird thing on my part. I think I'd actually prefer it, if it was that. submitted by /u/Average_Random_Bitch to r/neighborsfromhell [link] [comments]
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r/neighborsfromhell |
Average_Random_Bitch |
Jun 15, 2026 |
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I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA_fallopian_tu posting in r/relationship_advice Concluded as per OOP Content Warning : possible stealthing 1 update - Medium Original - 8th June 2026 Update - 10th June 2026 I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it? I'm pregnant but I'm not supposed to be. My fiancé and I are childfree. We spoke about it in depth when we started getting serious, and every now and then touch on the subject to make sure with both on the same page. We've been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months and in that entire time not once have we had a pregnancy scare. I'm on birth control, he uses condoms. We're careful. Then I started feeling a bit under the weather. I've been feeling nauseous or at times have a lack of appetite, I get headaches or feel a bit light headed, and I've been getting tired more easily. These symptoms kept persisting and I went to the doctor thinking I've caught something. They do a routine exam, including a pregnancy test, and then eventually come back to tell me I'm around 6-7 weeks pregnant. I kind of laugh because no? I'm on BC, there's no way. I tell them to do the test again, but they're confident the test is accurate. They couldn't do an ultrasound at the time, but booked me in for another appointment. I'm internally freaking out at this point because somehow my BC's failed and I need to go tell my fiancé. Cut to the conversation and I'm a mess. I'm crying and snotty and barely getting my words out. He does what I expect and comforts me. He hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, and my God, I temporarily felt so much relief. And then it's all shattered and my anxiety is kicked into overdrive when he tells me we'll make great parents and that he'll be with me every step of the way. I don't know, it's like my whole world tilted on an axis? It's really difficult to explain how much his words affected me because one of the key foundations of our life and future was that our lifestyles are so aligned, and here he is telling me he wants to keep the baby. I ask him what he means, and he says it's clearly a miracle I'm pregnant because we managed to conceive despite everything we've done to prevent having babies. I tell him we're supposed to be childfree, we both agreed we didn't want kids. He says that's true but now that I'm pregnant, things are different. No?? I wanted him to come with me so I could get an abortion. I've never been pregnant before, I've never had an abortion before. I'm TERRIFIED to go by myself. I really need him there with me and supporting me and being my rock because I have no idea how painful it will be. I don't have anyone else in my life I trust to support me through this. Eventually he tells me to go to bed and get some rest because I'm clearly overwhelmed. Which, yeah, I am, but not for the reason he thinks.I am 100% sure I don't want this baby. I don't want to be pregnant or give birth or raise a child. I don't want this. How do I tell him I want to get an abortion? I'm so confused and upset because he's SO excited? It's like he's done a 180 and I'm afraid I'll be breaking his heart. Before anyone asks, I've tried getting my tubes tied. I've seen three different doctors and none of them would sign off on me having the surgery. Up until this point, birth control and condoms had always been enough. TLDR: Fiancé and I are childfree, I'm now pregnant. Fiancé wants to keep the baby while I want to get rid of it. Need advice on how to tell him. Comments AffectionateBite3827 If you want an abortion, get one. But I’d be prepared to do it alone or figure out someone else who can support you. He may decide this is a dealbreaker. So I’d also be prepared to be single. Interesting that you were the only one looking into a more permanent solution to birth control. I don’t think he’s actually childfree! And I’d wonder why he’s so immediately OK with having a baby after years of saying otherwise. OOP: I'm starting to worry this is my reality. It hurts because he was SO adamant he never wanted children, and then the moment I was pregnant, a flip was switched. electricookie It’s possible he changed his mind. However you didn’t. He’s the one who needs to cope with the change of his wants. OOP: Hi everyone I'm heading to bed now as I have work in the morning and I then need to confront my fiancé about this whole situation. So if I don't respond, it's because I'm sleeping/working/throwing myself into the abyss. Good night **Judgement - NTA*\* Update - 2 days later So I spoke to my fiancé yesterday about our situation. It didn't go well. I started off the conversation by asking him if he really wanted this baby, or if he acted excited just in case he was worried I wanted it. Someone suggested this could be what happened, but unfortunately, he told me he really does want this child with me. So I ripped the plaster off and told him I don't want this baby. I told him that I was going to do what we had planned and get an abortion. I wanted him by my side, but if he really has changed his mind, then I need to know. He looked shocked and honestly a bit angry. He asked me how I couldn't be excited about this and how I could want to get rid of our baby. I told him because I never wanted children, I STILL don't want children, and getting pregnant hasn't changed that. He claimed I was still overwhelmed and not thinking straight, and this annoyed me. It's not like I'm suddenly incapable of making rational decisions? I told him I've had the entire day to calm down and think about what I want to say clearly. If he wants a child, then I won't stop him. It hurts because it means the end of our relationship, but he won't be having that child with me. We fundamentally aren't compatible any more. I think he started panicking when he realised I was serious. He started talking faster, trying to convince me to keep the baby, that we'd make good parents, that we'd figure it out, that he'd work harder. He didn't want to listen to the fact that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. That I wanted to remain childfree, that our future together was without children in the picture. And to be honest, his insistence was really unnerving. We started arguing because he just wouldn't agree to us separating or me getting an abortion. He never got physical, but his insistence that I COULDN'T get rid of the baby was upsetting me. I didn't think he did anything to my birth control when I made my first post as he's never been that kind of person, but I started having doubts. I asked him how long he had changed his mind about wanting kids and he wouldn't tell me. I asked if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. He said he didn't know. The relationship was 100% over at this point, so I asked if he had anything else he wanted to tell me. He looked sort of confused, and I elaborated on our birth control methods. Had they been messed with. I can't really explain the expression I saw on his face. It was like fear and anger balled into one. He told me I was nuts and said he couldn't talk to me "when I was like this" and left the house. After that I got all my documents, essentials, electronics and some clothes together. I also left before he got back and went to a friend's place. We're close but not best friend close, so I was expecting her to decline when I asked to crash at hers for a bit. She agreed and after getting in, I told her everything that happened. She's said I can stay with her for as long as I need and she'll be by my side for the abortion. My ex-fiancé called me when he realised I wasn't home. I answered and he demanded to know where I am. I said "with a friend" and refused to give him any details. I explained that I'm getting an abortion, that I don't need his permission or blessing or whatever, and that I would not stand in his way of wanting a family. But he'll need to have it with someone else. We're probably over and neither of us should have to compromise on this. The call was heart-breaking. We both ended up crying. Eventually, he said I can come get my stuff when he's at work, but that I'll regret getting rid of our child. I just said, "okay" and eventually hung up. He's sent me the odd text today asking how I am. Then asking if I'd wait until we could get an ultrasound. I shot that down immediately and he hasn't sent much else. I'm planning on getting the rest of my things tomorrow when he's at work. It's not the outcome I wanted. I really hoped he just...freaked out and didn't want to upset me. But his plans for his life have changed. It's pretty much confirmed we're not together any more. I'll be getting an abortion soon and then I'll try to figure out how to piece my life without my ex in it. I'm sad and mourning the loss of my best friend and partner, but this is preferable to the future he tried to convince me to give in to. Thank you all for your messages and comments. TLDR: Fiancé became ex-fiancé after he confirmed he wanted to keep the baby and tried to pressure me to keep it, too. Comments OrganicDigitalArt Pretty much how that thread thought it was going to go. Sorry it didn’t turn out better for you, but you both are much more likely to get what you want this way. OOP: I really did hope what people had thought was wrong, but in the end that was wishful thinking. It hurts a lot now, but I'll heal from it. Ok_Introduction9466 Please PLEASE make sure to go with multiple people to get your things and don’t notify him when you’re going to be there. Make sure to pick a day when you definitely know he’s usually at work. Something in the water isn’t clean about him or his reactions to any of this. I’m so sorry but so glad you stuck to your boundaries. Update from OOP in the comments: Hello! I've gotten most of my things from my ex's house. There's some stuff that I've left behind, but it's things that are replaceable. I was prioritising items and clothes that are important or sentimental to me. A lot of people were telling me not to go alone, don't worry. I didn't. Before we went over, my friend called her two brothers and asked if they could come, too. Basically we said I had broken up with my fiancé and we were worried he'd be there as things were less than amicable. The plan was that we'd go in, I'd point out what was mine, her brothers would do the heavy lifting and my friend would take photos of the house and later timestamp them just in case my ex trashed the place and tried to blame it on me. My ex was at work like he said, but I didn't want to take my time in case he came back. We put my stuff in boxes, the guys carried them to the car, and I did a once over to make sure I hadn't left anything important behind. Someone suggested swiping the condoms to test if they had holes poked through them. He usually leaves them in his bedside cabinet, but they weren't there when I checked, and he definitely had a pack left. I had a look around in case he moved them, but in the end I couldn't find them. Take that how you will. After that, I locked his place up and pushed my key through his letter box. My friend wanted to push her phone through to take a photo of that, too but I was worried she was going to drop it and then we'd be screwed LMAO. We left and now I'm back at her place with my things. I thanked her brothers and promised I'd buy them their favourite beers. We're eating pizza now and just hanging out. I've booked an appointment, too, so by the end of this week, it'll hopefully be a forgotten nightmare. Luckily, I didn't run into my ex, but he did message me to ask if I'd been by. So that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for the support, everyone! I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments submitted by /u/SharkEva to r/BORUpdates [link] [comments]
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r/BORUpdates |
SharkEva |
Jun 11, 2026 |
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My (31F) husband (41M) makes mean jokes and I want to help him stop before we have children
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/themourningbride My (31F) husband (41M) makes mean jokes and I want to help him stop before we have children BoRU 1 Posted by u/Father-Son-HolyToast TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse, emotional abuse Original Post Jan 7, 2022 So grateful to have found this community and hoping that getting some outside opinions on my situation will help me understand things and figure out how to address this in a constructive way with my husband. I (31F) have been with my husband (40sM) for 10 years, now married. I always knew I wanted to have kids only after I was married, and now that we finally are I’ve allowed myself to start thinking more in depth about it and I had an inconvenient realization. I could not bring a child into this situation without seeing change in his behavior. While he has this one bad habit, our relationship is not inherently verbally abusive, so I’m having trouble finding resources and stories from others who have been in similar situations. The good: He is a great provider, he would be a very fun dad, he is very generous and supportive. I love him, he loves me. The bad: He makes “jokes” that are hurtful and make me feel a fundamental lack of respect. I’m fine, but when I imagine me as a child growing up with a father like him, I just can’t even fathom how broken I would be. I know I need to address this before having kids. We have had conversations about this in the past and it’s just who he is- not aimed only at me, and I am a very sensitive person. The problem: How can I have a conversation about this with him? I’m not perfect, so why is it okay for me to point out his flaws? Is there a playbook here, a guide? I just can’t stand feeling like I’m issuing an ultimatum or holding him hostage. And I feel so awful that I didn’t have the insight or personal awareness to address this BEFORE we got married. I’m struggling to frame this in a way that is supportive, “us as a team against this issue” instead of me attacking him. How do I address this? TL;DR - Husband has a habit of joking in a way that I’ve just realized would be hurtful to a child, I want to help him change this behavior before having kids but don’t know how to have that conversation. ETA: Thanks for the help and concern, all. I don’t know what this means for me and it’s a lot to process, but I really appreciate so many people sharing their thoughts with me. Not trying for kids, not off birth control, he barely touches me anyways. Under no circumstances would I bring a child into this situation currently. RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP In response to a request for examples of the jokes: I’m having trouble finding examples because they just really aren’t jokes, he only calls them that because he thinks they’re funny. “You’re eating like a fat girl” - Just joking, and he didn’t call ME fat so I can’t justify getting upset. (Laughing when I ask how I look in a new top) - It was funny because I had bad posture when I asked him, he wasn’t laughing AT me, just the situation of me trying to be cute but asking with poor posture and in an unconfident tone. “You’re going to tear the house down!” - Context was I’m opening a cabinet and he wanted to point out with a funny comment/joke that I was being too heavy handed, it was after I had spent days cleaning the house for his mother to visit and I was very stressed, it upset me because I felt like I couldn’t do a single thing without criticism. I cried and he got upset that I reacted in that way. In response to someone telling OOP she didn't have to continue to put up with cruel comments, and that her not saying anything in the past was not an excuse for her husband to continue: I mean, it kind of is though isn’t it? If I didn’t do a good enough job of identifying it as an issue and putting a stop to it when it first started happening, what right do I have to demand change now that we’re married? It feels like a bait and switch. I hate the idea of being a demanding wife. I just want to figure out how to help him see it as an issue so we can both work together to change our behaviors into something that would be a supportive, loving environment for kids to grow up in. I feel like I haven’t done my part either, I need to own that. It just isn’t who I am and he loves me for that. I’m not demanding or high maintenance. I think it’s less about advocating for myself an more just… it feels unfair for me to ask for this. Nothing has changed since we got married. The only thing that changed was my perception of something that has been a constant in our relationship. It feels like an unfair demand. I just want to make it an “us against this issue” instead of a “me against you” or “you must do xyz before abc”. That feels low. We’re a team! I just want to make sure I’m communicating it in the right way. But I still want to be The Cool, Strong, Supportive Wife. I just feel like… I messed up here. If this was truly a big issue I wouldn’t have married him. I did, we’re here now, and even though I didn’t see it at first I do now. I want to help us both be the best we can be. I’m here and I need to help us both work through this or learn to live with it like I have been. I want kids but if this can’t be the right environment for them then it’s not meant to be. ETA: Fuck, I just don’t know anymore. Can’t believe I wrote that kids could be out of the picture. I’m really struggling to understand all of this. Thanks for your kind words :) Update 1 - Ok, so he’s verbally abusive. What now? Jan 7, 2022 (Same Post) I (31F) have been with my husband (43M) for 10 years, married 6 months. Posted on an advice sub and I’m realizing it’s a bigger issue than I thought. So… what now? I’m having a really hard time digesting all of this. I read “Why Does He Do That?” yesterday (couldn’t put it down) and while I see some things that my partner does, it’s not many and it’s honestly not often. It really boils down to making mean “jokes” and unsolicited advice/critiques. That’s all. And not all the time, I’ve been thinking it over for three days and he hasn’t said anything bad in that time. When he does it just sticks out in my mind because it’s hurtful. Here is what I think need help understanding: Is it possible that this isn’t intentional? He learned his behaviors from his mother and has low emotional intelligence. I know that he truly loves me. I can’t understand HOW he could do this on purpose. How is he such a truly great, supportive, kind partner in other ways? Does that outweigh his faults? He is such a great provider, he is supportive of my career and pays all of our expenses which allows me to work doing what I love. This is a big sacrifice for him and something he did very intentionally for me. How could someone do that to someone they want to hurt? What if it really truly is me? I AM sensitive and insecure. I do make things that are benign about me when I’m feeling down. I know these things are true. Couldn’t it be a combination of an awful outdated unfunny sense of humor and me being hypersensitive to criticism? I think we both share fault here. RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP: In response to someone saying OOP shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her husband: Oh geez. I offhandedly said that to him just the other day, that I walk on eggshells around him (more related to other issues than the one here, but still) and he flipped it around completely on me. Said that it’s the opposite and he has to do that for me because of my unpredictable emotional response to things and that I ruin the mood all the time. In response to someone asking about whether she and her husband still have a physical relationship: "He barely touches me anyway" stood out to me. Why doesn't he? What's going on? Ha! That’s a whole other can of worms. Wish I knew. He’s just not interested in me sexually. It was normal at first, less frequent over time, and somewhere in the first few years the jabs started, poking fun at things I say or do in bed, how I move, what I’m wearing, what I want. He really made me think it was me. But I’m not unattractive, I know that. Just for some reason nothing about me is quite good enough for him. Why did he even marry me if I’m such a disappointment? Anyway, I got on birth control early on and it killed my sex drive so I don’t feel as rejected all the time, that helps. Commenter I think maybe you need to ask yourself some questions. Like.. Are you happy with this person? Is it worth having them around? Does the bad outweigh the good or is it the other way around? OOP Parts of both. I love him. I don’t feel like I can justify leaving him. Unfunny jokes, infrequent sex. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m just beating myself up for not realizing this until now. In response to a comment encouraging her to analyze her husband's behavior for signs of intentional manipulation: I’m trying to do the same thing. It all came in to focus the other day, he said he was scared I would find someone better and leave him. That second things started to make sense. I don’t want to admit it because it’s so painful, but I think he does do it at least partially on purpose. It worked so well too, I believed everything he said for so long. Update 2 Jan 12, 2022 (5 days later) Ok. I talked to my therapist (who I was seeing because husband had me believing I had emotional regulation & communication problems), came armed with research and concrete examples of his manipulative, controlling and demeaning patterns. She was supportive but firm, recommended I reach out to my local DV organization to help me work out a safe exit plan and get legal aid regarding the divorce. She said sooner rather than later. And I trust her. But… I am stunned. I feel like my whole entire world is upside down. I keep flipping back and forth between “thank god other people can see this too, I’m not crazy and it is that bad” and “he’s my best friend, I’m heartbroken and he’s the only one there for me, he needs me and I could never leave him.” I know I should leave but I don’t know what to do. I just want to talk to him and work it out and this will all just be one big misunderstanding, right? I’m heartbroken. I can’t have kids here, but if I leave I’ll be alone and also probably won’t have kids. And I’ll be broken and ashamed. All those conversations. He’s going to want me back or want an explanation. I really think that’s what I’m hung up on the most. He has so little emotional awareness that I KNOW he won’t have any idea what I’m talking about. I know he’ll think I’m crazy. I want him to know what he’s done but he just… he’s not going to. He might not ever understand. We’re so happy so much of the time, I don’t know if I can do this. Anyways, hi, worst update. But you all were right. For anyone in a similar situation, Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” was very eye opening and described him in ways I couldn’t articulate on my own. He fits the profile of the Water Torturer perfectly. Additionally, very very helpful these past few days: The Hotline (looks like I can’t link, but you can search.) They have a text or chat service, and for anyone out there like me, it’s not “just” emotional/verbal abuse, it’s abuse and they are there to help and support. I spent a few hours over a few days just talking through things with people who really understood and it was exactly what I needed. Please reach out if it’s something you need. TL;DR My husband isn’t mean, he’s verbally abusive. Don’t know what’s next. NEW UPDATES * I’m just exhausted. How am I supposed to get through this? Jan 22, 2022 (10 days later) Just discovered this sub, relieved to have a place to vent to people who will get it. Very recently realized that my 10 year long relationship is… not healthy. No need to go into details because the profile of a Water Torturer from Lundy Bancroft’s Why Would He Do That fits him like a glove. Cruel, cutting remarks disguised as jokes or helpful comments. Constant criticism. That man could DARVO the pants off of Trump. If I take a step back it’s impressive. All in all, it’s taken me completely by surprise. In the last few weeks I’ve found out that I’m not the source of all our relationship troubles, I’m not a complete fuck up of a wife, and none of this is normal. It’s a mind fuck. Now I’m biding time. I have an exit plan, but I’m saving for the next few months before I execute it. It’s been about a week. I am fucking exhausted. All of that energy I used to spend twisting myself into exactly who I knew he wanted, regulating my reactions, hiding me. It is NOT ENOUGH. Not nearly enough. Now that I see this shit in every interaction and spend my time cycling through rage and shame and excitement and mourning… I’m spent. Y’all, I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next few months. I’m so excited to start living again, but fuck. [CA] Threatening “Joke” - Enough for Police? Feb 7, 2022 (18 days later) Advice much appreciated! Brief background: My husband’s verbal abuse and coercive control have increased over the past decade, I’ve recently realized the state of this marriage and am planning my exit. As I’ve become more aware of his behaviors and can see things more clearly it has been harder to maintain my “good wife” attitude, I’m standing up for myself more. I’m growing concerned about my safety but not sure if the incident today is enough to involve police. He has never been physically violent. Incident: Today, after I had upset him by standing up for myself in a conversation, he talked for at least a full minute about how he would kill me, as a “joke”. He said, roughly, that (because I was speaking this way to him lately) he would kill me in my sleep, it would be easy because I’m such a sound sleeper. Then went back and said I’m surprisingly strong when I’m asleep (I toss and turn) and that it might give me an advantage. More talk about how easy it would be, then the part that bothered me most: “No, if I’m going to go to all the trouble of killing you, I’d strangle you while you’re awake, I’d want to see the light leave your eyes. I’d have to get something good out of it.” The fact that it was fairly specific and in direct response to me upsetting him has me concerned for my safety between now and leaving, especially if he finds out or grows suspicious. My gut says it might be worth involving the police and moving up my exit timeline. My concerns and questions: Is what he said legally considered a threat? Is it actionable considering this is just based on my word? What would (likely) happen if I did chose to report this? Is there any way for me to report this without his knowledge? Edited for clarity. RELEVANT COMMENTS CarQuean NAL ; move up your exit date to NOW. Involving police at this very moment will give him an advantage on you and could anger him more. Get your important documents out of there ASAP & move YOUR funds from your joint account to an account he doesn't have access to. I would also suggest saving your photos from your phone somewhere and doing a hard reset on your phone to insure he doesn't have phone tracking OR that he doesn't have remote access to your phone. Change passwords everywhere. But get out NOW. OOP Thank you, I appreciate the concern and advice! Working on putting a go-bag together now with important documents and things I’ll need. I’m on high alert and moving up my exit date to… ok, not now now, but significantly sooner than I was planning. Little, Happy Update Oct 6, 2022 (9 months since the OG post) Hi! I’m not sure if anyone will see this, but I had such an outpouring of support over a whole bunch of subreddits so I thought this might be the best way to give an update. First, THANK YOU! Thank you all. Everyone who reached out with support, everyone who shared their stories, everyone who pushed back and gave me the opportunity to form my own viewpoints and advocate for myself. Without the reality check that came from my posts I’m sure I would have been stuck in this for much longer than I was already. The update: I’m out! It was a long process, it wasn’t linear, and there was so much self doubt along the way. But I wanted to share the moment that it finally stuck. We had been going back and forth with the divorce. He’s doing all the things, he’s being the best version of himself, he’s improving. Lots more details that ultimately aren’t important. But he kept asking, are you sure? And I wasn’t for a long time. He worked his magic and I thought that maybe I had made the worst mistake of my life. But he kept asking, and I kept listening to my gut. I tried saying no, let’s call this all off and work on us, but that didn’t feel good. I felt heavy, like it was putting back on this huge burden that I had just started to get out of. Then I tried saying maybe. I was being honest, I was confused and I told him that. I said I needed time, I needed space. But that felt restrictive, it felt like my body was being compressed. And one morning I realized I hadn’t tried saying “yes” yet. I hadn’t tried telling him that yes, I wanted this to be over. So I tried it, I said yes, let’s end this. And it felt like all of the weight was lifted off of me. It felt like I could fill my lungs fully again. It felt like the sort of warmth in your chest that you get when your mom gives you a hug. So it stuck! I’m learning to listen to myself again and to trust my instincts. I’m not judging myself for my path to get here. I’m treating myself with all the compassion and kindness I deserved for all those years. I’m on my own path now and it feels so amazing to be here. So thank you all again for everything. Thank you for your concern and outreach. I’m happier and healthier than I have been in a very long time. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7 submitted by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 to r/BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
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r/BestofRedditorUpdates |
Direct-Caterpillar77 |
Jul 20, 2025 |